#writing roy is just rereading what i've already written and adding more 'fuck's

[soupandsorcery]

Day 5 - Dreams & Reality, 750 words

Jamie's resolve lasts all the way through training and a long shower, but standing in the doorway to the coaches' offices, he starts to lose his nerve a little.

Roy's got his angry eyebrows on, scowling at a notepad on his desk while he scribbles something and then scratches it out like it's gone and offended him somehow.

Half of Jamie's brain is yelling at him to bail, to come back and do this later or...or somewhere else, but the other half has a good point that if he doesn't do this now, he might lose his nerve and never do it. And then slowly die of wanting to be touched by Roy Kent, which would be a horrible fate for the world.

He's still in the middle of his mental argument when Roy looks up and catches sight of him.

"What are you still doing here?" he asks, glancing past Jamie to the empty locker room. All the other lads have cleared out by then, leaving just Roy and Jamie alone.

Unless Beard is lurking around somewhere, which is always a possibility. Weird fucking guy.

"I uh. I wanted to talk to you about something," Jamie manages. He sounds nervous as he says it, but some things can't be helped. He rocks back on his heels, shoving his hands into the pocket of his jacket.

Roy sighs, sitting back in his chair and leveling Jamie with a look. "You quitting the team?"

Of all the things he could have said, that throws Jamie for the biggest loop. "What? No! What? Why the fuck would I be quitting the team? This is...Richmond's my team."

"Yeah, but you've got to know that you've got options, Tartt. The way you've been playing this season, you could go almost anywhere and they'd have you."

This is not at all how Jamie envisioned this going. He stares at Roy for a long moment, blinking, trying to find his footing in this conversation. "Do you...do you want me to go to another team?" he asks, suddenly fucking terrified of the answer. "I mean things have been good, yeah? I know Ted's gone and all, but we've been fucking crushing it this season, and the lads and I have the whole thing down, and I thought—"

He's babbling. He knows he is, but now, in addition to being scared of getting rejected, he's worried about being sent away, which he didn't even know he had to be worried about in the first place.

"Fucking breathe, Jamie," Roy cuts in. "I'm not trying to get rid of you. I just. You've got potential. So much fucking potential. And I know firsthand what it's like to waste it because you feel like you're invincible and you've got all the time in the fucking world. I don't want you to end up a bitter old fuck like me, wondering if you wasted your life."

"Oi, you're not that old. And you're not even that bitter these days. Saw you laugh just yesterday, granddad." Jamie gives him a shaky smile that doesn't fool anyone.

Roy doesn't smile back. "Jamie. I'm being fucking serious, okay? You've got to think about what you want. Long term."

That's all I've been fucking thinking about.

Any other time, Jamie would be fucking preening from the praise. Roy Kent, talking about his potential, telling him he could go to any other team and fucking nail it. It's the stuff he used to dream about when he was fifteen and afraid he was as worthless as his dad always told him he was.

But now it's not really what he wants to hear.

"What if I want to stay here?" With you, Jamie doesn't say. "What if I'm happy here?"

"Then that's fine. But you have to be fucking sure. I don't want you to stay just because it's safe or whatever."

They're just looking at each other now, and the silence in the office is thick. Jamie thinks of what he came here to say and bites his bottom lip, weighing his options. It feels weird, to say it now. Like the moment has passed and something has shifted and Roy's... Jamie doesn't fucking know. Feels like Roy's trying to say goodbye before they've even started.

His dream about the two of them feels far away, and he just nods. "Yeah," he says. "I'll um. I think about it."

"Good lad," Roy replies. "I'll see you tomorrow."

It feels like being dismissed, so Jamie goes.