#writing is hard but its become really cathartic

[03jyh23]

🌊⌇such a lonely heart┆kim hongjoong

married, hongjoong x gn!reader

│synopsis: if you can't find another reason to stay, then i know i'm gonna always have a lonely heart

│genre: hurt no comfort, angst

│trigger warnings: emotional distress, heartbreak, relationship conflict

│words: 4.1 k

│reminder: what you’re about to read is purely fiction, so let’s keep it separate from reality.

!minors do not interact!

— hi there my lovely people! it feels like forever since i last posted, and oh god, i’m so happy to be back! my hiatus ended up lasting much longer than i intended, and coming back after such a long time is honestly nerve-wracking. this piece of writing took me a long time to complete, but i’m really proud of it. once again, it’s a hongjoong angst with a personal touch, and i think hongjoong will always have that cathartic role in my stories. i hope you guys can feel the emotions i’ve woven into it. thank you for sticking with me—i can’t wait to hear what you think.

love, mon ♡

It was late Thursday night. You were curled up on your bed, blanket wrapped tightly around you, staring blankly at the wall. It was unbearable. Was your mind numb, or was it so full of thoughts that they all clashed together, making you feel overwhelmed and empty simultaneously? You let yourself break again, letting the flood of thoughts and feelings consume you whole. You were drowning, unable to stop the spiral of despair that clawed at you. 

Eighteen times. 

Hongjoong ignored your calls eighteen times tonight. 

And that was your breaking point.

You felt the weight of each ignored call like a stone in your chest, pressing down, making breathing hard. The silence from his end was deafening, drowning out even the sound of your own heartbeat. You wondered, with a bitter taste in your mouth, if this was what it felt like to be truly alone. It wasn't anything new, you spent your nights alone, most of them sleepless as the lack of warmth in your husband's body made it impossible to get some rest. After tossing and turning, you would eventually catch a few hours of sleep, only to wake up in an empty bed. The routine had become painfully familiar. The cold sheets on his side of the bed were a constant reminder of his absence. You'd reach out, hoping against hope, but your fingers would only meet the cool fabric, untouched and undisturbed. 

Anyone would have thought you'd get used to it by now - Hongjoong leaving early for his office and coming back too late to spend time with you. But he would always text that he was doing extra hours or going out for a beer with friends. Tonight, however, was different. There was only radio silence. And nothing hurt more than the quiet. The absence of his usual messages left an ache in your chest that you couldn't ignore. You found yourself checking your phone obsessively, hoping for any sign of communication. But the screen remained stubbornly blank, a stark reminder of the growing distance between you. 

As the hours ticked by, your mind raced with possibilities, each one more unsettling than the last. Was he okay? Had something happened? Or was this simply the new normal - a silence that spoke volumes about the state of your relationship? 

The sound of the door creaking open finally pulled you from your thoughts. Through the narrow gap between the door and its frame, you saw a thin line of light, and then your eyes drifted up to see your husband. Hongjoong stepped into your shared apartment, his ginger hair damp from the rain. He ran his hand through it, pushing the wet strands away from his face, before peeling off his soaked beige coat and slipping off his shoes. You swallowed the lump rising in your throat at the sight of him, tears prickling your eyes again. You blinked rapidly, trying to push them back, gripping the blanket tighter as if it could shield you from the wave of emotions crashing inside you. The fabric pulled up to your chin, a flimsy barrier between you and the ache that had settled deep in your chest. 

The light went out as Hongjoong moved further into the apartment, past the door of your bedroom without a word. He didn’t even glance in your direction. What was wrong? Or was he simply trying to avoid waking you, assuming you should be asleep instead of quietly falling apart? One way or another, it was far too late for him to walk back in like nothing had happened. The silence that followed felt colder than before, sinking into your already worn-out body. 

You could hear him in the living room, the soft rustle of the wardrobe doors opening. Was he planning to sleep on the couch again tonight? You untangled yourself from the blanket, standing quietly before slipping out of the bedroom. The weight of exhaustion and frustration clung to you as you made your way to the kitchenette. You didn’t want to fight. Not tonight. You poured yourself a glass of cold water, grabbed the bottle of painkillers from one of the drawers, and swallowed a couple of pills, hoping they’d dull the throbbing in your head. You glanced at Hongjoong as you set the glass down. He had stopped mid-motion, his hands frozen on the pillow he was arranging on the sofa. Your eyes met briefly, the silence between you thick with unspoken words. As you had guessed, he was indeed preparing to sleep on the couch tonight. The realization sent a fresh wave of pain through your chest. You averted your gaze, unable to bear the weight of his silent stare any longer. The distance between you felt insurmountable, even though you were just a few feet apart in the same room. 

You stood in the dim light of the kitchen, hands gripping the edge of the counter as you tried to steady your breathing. Then, the words you’d been holding back for too long slipped out before you could stop them. "Where were you tonight?" you asked, your voice barely above a whisper. The question hung in the air, heavy with the weight of all the unanswered calls and unread messages. 

You took a deep breath, steadying yourself before continuing. "I called you eighteen times, Hongjoong. Eighteen. And not once did you pick up or call back. What's going on?" Your eyes met his again, searching for any sign of explanation or remorse. "Are we... are we okay?" The last question came out softer, more vulnerable, betraying the fear that had been gnawing at you all night. The words felt like they had a life of their own, carrying the weight of nights spent alone, of unanswered calls, and of the slow unraveling of something you once thought was unbreakable. You didn’t dare turn around, didn’t want to see the look on his face. Whether it was guilt, anger, or indifference, you couldn’t handle any of it. 

The silence stretched longer, and every second that ticked by only made your heart sink deeper. 

Finally, you heard him shift behind you, his footsteps hesitant, as if he wasn’t sure how to approach the fragile moment. The tension in the room felt suffocating, but you stood your ground, gripping the counter tighter, waiting for him to say something—anything—to break the silence. 

But nothing came. 

Tired. You were both tired—of the silence, of the distance, of pretending everything was fine when it clearly wasn’t. You weren’t sure how much longer you could keep this up, but at that moment, you didn’t have the strength to do anything more than stand there, waiting for an answer that might never come. 

You didn’t turn around as you felt his presence behind you, the warmth of his body radiating in the small space between you. You held your breath, waiting for him to say something, to explain, to apologize—anything to break the suffocating silence that had enveloped you both. One of your hands traveled to your temple, trying to massage away the pounding headache that wouldn’t relent, as if easing the physical pain might somehow dull the ache in your heart too. 

The silence dragged on, and you could feel him standing there, just out of reach, but still not saying a word. It was suffocating, the space between you filled with unspoken thoughts, unresolved arguments, and the growing distance that neither of you seemed able to close. 

"I kept waiting. Waiting for you to call back, to walk through the door, to say something—anything." you continued, voice trembling as you let your hand fall from your temple, now gripping the edge of the counter again.

Hongjoong let out a breath behind you, but it was small, almost inaudible. You could sense his guilt, but guilt alone wasn’t enough to bridge the gap. "I didn’t know what to say," he admitted softly, his voice barely above a whisper, and you could hear the weight of his own struggle in it. 

"You didn’t know what to say?" You turned around slowly, finally meeting his eyes. Your own were burning, a mixture of exhaustion, anger, and desperation swirling together. "Do you think that makes it any better? That just... ignoring me was the right thing to do?" 

He looked down, running a hand through his damp hair again. His hesitation was killing you. You needed him to fight for this, to fight for you. 

The silence stretched between you, thick and heavy. Hongjoong's eyes finally met yours, a storm of emotions swirling in their depths. He opened his mouth to speak, but the words seemed to catch in his throat. 

"Are you giving up on us?" The words tumbled out of your mouth, raw and vulnerable. Your eyes searched his face, desperate for any sign that he still cared, that there was still something worth fighting for. 

Hongjoong's eyes snapped up to meet yours, a flicker of pain crossing his features. For a moment, he looked as lost and scared as you felt. The silence stretched between you, heavy with unspoken fears and fading hopes. "I..." he started; his voice barely audible. He swallowed hard, struggling to find the right words. "I want a divorce, Y/N," Hongjoong finally said, his voice cracking slightly as he forced the words out. 

The world seemed to stop spinning for a moment. You felt as if all the air had been sucked out of the room, leaving you gasping. Your eyes widened in disbelief, searching his face for any sign that this was some cruel joke. But all you saw was a mixture of pain, guilt, and resignation in his eyes. 

"What?" you whispered, barely able to form the word. Your hands gripped the counter behind you, needing something solid to hold onto as your world crumbled around you. 

Hongjoong took a deep breath, his shoulders sagging as if the weight of his words was physically pulling him down. 

You felt tears welling up in your eyes, a lump forming in your throat. All those ignored calls, the nights spent alone, the growing distance - it all suddenly made sense in the worst possible way. The realization hit you like a tidal wave, leaving you struggling to stay afloat in the sea of emotions threatening to drown you. 

"A divorce?" The word felt foreign on your tongue, heavy and bitter. You shook your head, tears now flowing freely down your cheeks. "How... how long have you been thinking about this?" Your voice was barely above a whisper, trembling with the weight of your shattered world. 

Hongjoong's eyes flickered with a mix of guilt and sadness as he answered, his voice low and strained. "For a while now... I've been trying to find the right moment, but there never seemed to be one." He paused, running a hand through his hair, a gesture that once seemed endearing but now felt like a painful reminder of what you were losing. 

The words hit you like a physical blow, and suddenly, all the pain and frustration you'd been holding back came rushing to the surface. Your eyes flashed with anger as you stepped towards him. 

"Empty promises," you spat, your voice quivering with emotion. "Is that what our vows meant to you? Because I meant every single word, I said on our wedding day!" Hongjoong flinched at the intensity of your words, but you couldn't stop. The floodgates had opened. "I said I wanted to spend forever with you, Hongjoong. Forever! And I meant it with every fiber of my being. But for you? Were they just pretty words to say in front of our families and friends?" Your voice cracked, tears streaming down your face. "I promised you my life, my love, my everything. And you're throwing it all away like it meant nothing. Was any of it real for you?" 

The silence that followed was deafening, heavy with the weight of broken promises and shattered dreams. 

Hongjoong's shoulders slumped, his eyes cast downward as if he couldn't bear to meet your gaze. The weight of your words hung in the air between you, a tangible reminder of the promises made and now broken. When he finally spoke, his voice was barely above a whisper, filled with a mixture of regret and resignation. "It was real," he said, his voice barely audible. "But sometimes... sometimes love isn't enough." He paused, swallowing hard before continuing. "We've grown apart, Y/N. We're not the same people we were when we made those vows." 

"Don't bullshit me now, Hongjoong! It was two years ago! Two years!" Your voice rose, trembling with a mixture of anger and disbelief. "Why did you even bother to fucking marry me if you were going to give up so easily?" Your words echoed in the small space between you, raw with emotion. Your hands were clenched at your sides, your whole body shaking with the force of your outburst. The tears that had been threatening to fall now streamed freely down your face. You searched Hongjoong's face, desperate for any sign that this was all a mistake, that he didn't really mean what he was saying. But all you saw was a mixture of guilt and resignation in his eyes, and it only fueled your anger and hurt more. 

Hongjoong took a deep breath, his eyes meeting yours with a mix of sadness and determination. "I'm sorry, Y/N. I truly am. I didn't marry you with the intention of giving up. I thought... I thought we could make it work. But we've changed, grown apart. The passion, the connection we once had... it's not there anymore." He paused, running a hand through his hair. "I've tried, we've both tried, but it feels like we're just going through the motions. Don't you feel it too? The distance between us, even when we're in the same room?" His voice softened, a hint of vulnerability seeping through. "I didn't want to hurt you, but I realized that staying in a marriage that's lost its spark would hurt us both more in the long run. You deserve someone who can love you fully, completely. And I... I'm not that person anymore." Hongjoong's eyes glistened with unshed tears as he continued, "I know it's not fair. Two years isn't a long time, but it's been long enough for me to realize that we're not making each other happy anymore. And isn't that what marriage should be about? Happiness, growth, mutual support?" He took a shaky breath. "I'm sorry I couldn't be the person you needed me to be. I'm sorry I couldn't keep the promises I made. But I think... I think we both deserve a chance at real happiness, even if it means not being together." 

You were at a loss for words, the reality of the situation sinking in. Finally, you managed to speak, your voice barely above a whisper, trembling with emotion. "No, I don't feel it too. What I feel is the desperate longing for you when you're not here. I love you, it never changed." You realized, with a crushing finality, that you would never hear him say he loves you again.

Swallowing hard, fighting back a fresh wave of tears, you spoke again, your voice hollow. "I'm going to pack my bags." 

As you turned to leave, you felt a hand grasp your arm gently. Hongjoong's touch, once so familiar and comforting, now sent a jolt of pain through your heart. "Y/N, please..." His voice was barely above a whisper, filled with a mixture of desperation and regret. You froze, your back still to him. For a moment, you allowed yourself to feel the warmth of his hand, to remember all the times that touch had brought you comfort. But the pain of his words, the finality of his decision, was too fresh. 

With a sharp intake of breath, you pulled your arm away, stepping out of his reach. You couldn't bear to look at him, afraid that if you did, you might crumble completely. "Don't," you managed to say, your voice trembling. "Just... don't." Without turning back, you spoke, your voice barely above a whisper but filled with cold finality, "You can tell your lawyer to bring the papers to my parents." 

The words hung in the air, heavy with the weight of your shattered dreams and the future that would never be. You didn't wait for a response, couldn't bear to hear whatever Hongjoong might say. Instead, you walked away, each step feeling like it was taking you further from the life you had once imagined, towards an uncertain and lonely future. 

You packed your bags in a hurry, the silence broken only by the rustling of clothes and the soft thud of items being hastily tossed into your suitcase. Your hands trembled as you gathered the necessities, your mind a whirlwind of emotions. 

As you made your way to the door, you paused, your hand resting on the cool metal of the doorknob. Despite the pain coursing through you, you couldn't help but turn for one last look at the man you loved—still love. Hongjoong sat on the sofa, his head buried in his hands, eyes fixed on the floor. The sight of him, so defeated and lost, sent a fresh wave of anguish through your heart. For a moment, you stood there, memorizing every detail of this final scene, knowing it would be etched in your memory forever. 

With a deep breath, you reached into your pocket and pulled out your keys. The metal felt cold against your skin, a stark reminder of the life you were leaving behind. You walked over to the drawer near the entrance, your steps echoing in the heavy silence. As you placed the keys on the drawer, they made a sharp, metallic cling that seemed to reverberate through the apartment. The sound was jarring in the stillness, causing Hongjoong to snap his head up, his eyes meeting yours for a brief, intense moment. 

That single sound seemed to encapsulate everything - the end of your shared life, the finality of his decision, the irreversible nature of what was happening. It was as if that small noise had shattered the last remnants of the world, you once shared. 

Hongjoong's voice broke through the silence, barely above a whisper, but filled with a mixture of regret and desperation. "Y/N, wait..."He stood up, his eyes pleading. "I... I never meant for it to end like this. Please, don't leave this way—you don't have to go." His words were mumbled out quickly, a desperate need in them that you couldn't quite understand. The sudden shift in his tone caught you off guard, making you pause at the door. You turned slightly, not fully facing him, but enough to show you were listening. 

You felt a mix of emotions wash over you - anger, hurt, confusion. Part of you wanted to turn and run, to escape this painful situation. But another part of you needed answers, needed to understand how things had fallen apart so quickly. With a deep breath, you steadied yourself and turned to face Hongjoong fully. "What do you mean, don't leave this way?" you asked, your voice barely above a whisper. "You just told me you want a divorce. What other way is there to leave?" 

Hongjoong got up from the sofa and took a few quick steps in your direction. His expression faltered, a mix of guilt and uncertainty crossing his features. He took a hesitant step towards you, his hand reaching out but stopping short of touching you. "I... I don't know," he admitted, his voice barely audible. "I just... I can't bear the thought of you walking out that door, even though I know I'm the one who caused this." His words hung in the air, heavy with contradiction. You felt a surge of anger mixed with confusion, your emotions threatening to spill over. Taking a deep breath, you steadied yourself, your grip tightening on your suitcase handle. 

"Hongjoong," you began, your voice low and controlled, "you can't have it both ways. You can't ask for a divorce and then expect me to stay." You felt your resolve waver slightly at the vulnerability in his voice, but you steeled yourself, knowing you had to stay strong. 

"It's just hard to see you walk away in silence like we're strangers," Hongjoong said, his voice barely above a whisper, filled with a mixture of regret and longing. 

His words hit you like a physical blow, and you felt tears prick at the corners of your eyes. You took a deep, shaky breath before responding. "And it's hard for me to stay and pretend everything's okay when you've just shattered my world," you replied, your voice quivering. "We're not strangers, Hongjoong. We're two people who once vowed forever to each other, and now we're crumbling that promise." The silence that followed was heavy, filled with unspoken words and painful realizations. You both stood there, caught in a moment that felt both eternal and fleeting, the weight of your shared history and uncertain future hanging between you. 

Hongjoong's eyes met yours, a mixture of pain and regret swirling in their depths. You could see the conflict within him, the struggle between what he thought he wanted and the reality of losing you.

Suddenly, without warning, Hongjoong closed the distance between you. His hands cupped your face, and before you could react, his lips crashed against yours. The kiss was desperate, filled with a mixture of passion, regret, and longing. It caught you off guard, your body tensing at first before instinctively melting into the familiar warmth of his embrace. For a moment, the world around you faded away. There was only Hongjoong, the taste of his lips, the feel of his hands on your skin. It was as if all the love, all the memories, all the pain of your relationship was poured into this one, final kiss. 

But as quickly as it began, reality came crashing back. You pulled away, breathless and confused, your mind reeling from the sudden turn of events. Tears welled up in your eyes as you looked at Hongjoong, seeing the same turmoil reflected in his gaze. 

"Why?" you whispered, your voice barely audible, trembling with emotion. "Why now, when you've already decided to let me go?" 

Hongjoong's expression crumbled, he took a shaky breath, his hands falling to his sides as he struggled to find the words. "I... I don't know," he finally admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for everything." 

You choked on a sob, the finality of it all settled, and you found yourself struggling to breathe. With trembling hands, you reached for the door handle, your vision blurring with unshed tears. "Goodbye, Hongjoong," you managed to whisper, your voice barely audible and thick with emotion. The words hung in the air, heavy with the weight of everything you had shared and everything you were now losing. 

Without looking back, you stepped through the doorway, the soft click of the door closing behind you echoing in your ears like a death knell. As you made your way down the hallway, each step felt like it was taking you further from the life you had known, from the love you had cherished, and into an uncertain, lonely future. 

♡│if you enjoy my writing please consider supporting me by tagging and reblogging│

│ it has come to my attention that a lot of ageless/blank blogs have started to interact with my fics. while i appreciate your interest in my writing, i want to remind everyone that my blog is for adults only. it only takes a moment to personalize your blog and add your age. please take a moment to do so. this way, it will be easier for everyone and will save me from having to go through all my notifications to block blank/ageless blogs.│

[yellowocaballero]

Reading 'Solo Leveling' (a webtoon/webnovel about a guy who uses a game-like interface to level up and fight monsters and become ridiculously OP and the coolest and hottest guy in the whole wide world) really proves something to me that I've thought about.

The goal of a story is to achieve what it wants to achieve. Different genres have different certain marks the story should achieve. If it doesn't hit those marks, it's not a good example of the genre. In a lot of was it's not even a good story - it doesn't entertain the audience in the way that they want to be entertained. A romance novel isn't a bad story because it doesn't feature great action scenes, but neither is it a bad story because it doesn't delve deep into the sociopolitical implications of neocolonialism. Does it make the reader feel happy? Is it cathartic? Is there a happy ending? Then it's a good romance story - even if you think stories shouldn't need happy endings.

The 'satisfaction' of stories like Solo Leveling is the fact that is very entertaining to watch a guy be super powerful and mow down bad guys and have everybody around him go "WHOAH that's a cool guy". Maybe it's cool because you're projecting, or maybe you like great action scenes, or because you like 'underdog gets powerful' stories. It's a power fantasy. That is the goal of Solo Leveling, and so long as I'm going "WHOAH COOL", then it's a good story. And Solo Leveling is the example of the power fantasy video game dungeon OP protag. It does those elements, it executes them competently, it's a good story.

This is the third of these types of stories I've read more than 5 chapters of. The first was Omniscent Reader's Viewpoint. And baby. This is no ORV.

ORV a big reaction to Solo Levelling in a lot of ways, since Solo Levelling was very genre defining and influential, and it's hard to write these OP stories without having a relationship to Solo Leveling. It's like the most popular webtoon out there. The OP hero, the gaming interface and rules, the gods fucking you up, power fantasy - they're all checked off by ORV. It doesn't subvert them much. You watch kdj pull one over on a shmuck and you're like HEY YA BABY and you watch him utterly decimate some schmuck and you're like WHOAH COOL. You like ORV, basically, for the same reasons you like Solo Leveling. They're the same genre and in a lot of ways the same story.

But ORV has driven me nuts and after a while Solo Leveling has gotten boring. Because ORV has a fantastic supporting cast that puts the MC's OPness in relative perspective. Because there's cool action scenes with different teams, of different dynamics, giving freshness to each chapter. Because you get to see kdj slowly implement some nuts gambit of the course of the entire arc and when we finally hit the end point where it all comes together it's FUCK YEAH. I'm leaving out the actual depth here. But ORV and Solo Leveling do the same thing, except ORV has a great deal of other story elements that build into the main 'point' and escalate the satisfaction, joy, and intensity of those points. You don't read these OP hero novels for the supporting cast. You read it to watch a dude be cool. But ORV's supporting cast - and, like, the fact that they're actual characters, even the women - gives us a lot of other smaller 'hey yeah!' moments, gives it buildup, makes the OP moments meaningful, and gives a grand climax and huge satisfaction when kdj does what the SL guy did by himself. And the supporting cast is only one example of this. A story is a good story if it accomplishes its point, but a story like SL will never really deliver its promises nearly as well as ORV could. Not because ORV is deep and has """themes""" or fucked up shit like that. The 'WHOAH COOL's are just better. Because ORV knows why stories are good and what makes a good story.

Anyway I'm fucking begging you I have tears in my eyes this is why your fic needs more than the hot ship of the day I promise it won't detract from the ship it will make the ship BETTER but you have to get WHY you like these homosexuals so much and it's NOT just because they're CUTE sometimes there's OTHER REASONS THAT ARE IMPORTANT LIKE THE WOMAN YOU'VE BOOTED AND -

[linkspooky]

Hi there, I was rereading your Maki Zenin fanfic (Tyler Durden and the Culling Game piece). I must say when I read it the first time reading it, the way you depict her mentality, emotion, and actions. It was so emotionally draining and at the same time cathartic as it reminded me of myself back then and now still (well minus mass murdering all lotta people). But also surprised me, cause I have never this depiction of her after Shibuya Incident. But over time as I look at your analysis on various characters and paid attention to her upbringing by rereading the manga chapters focused on her, I realized the way she behaves in the Culling Games after what happen to her throughout her life. She is kind of stable??? Regardless, even though she is already my all-time favorite character. Your depictions of her makes me love her character even more as I actually relate to her more and felt those similar feelings. But I'm glad she is alive and is doing ok near the end of the manga, so I wanna ask. What do you think about her character now since JJK is VERY close to its end? And how do you feel about where she is right now as of Chapter 269. Sorry for the long ramble, I might ask more lol.

Thank you so much for your ask! That reminds me I need to start updating my culling games fic again sometime soon. For anyone curious the ask is about THIS YUTAMAKI FIC HERE.

Maki's kind of a hard character to talk about because even though Maki is clearly one of my favorite characters to explore in fic, and I love to dive deep into her motivations and inner struggles in the fanfics I write every time I criticize her writing in canon a little bit her fans jump me.

So instead I'm going to share one recent Maki scene I really liked, and one little tweak I think would have made both Yuta and Maki's character endings perfect.

You're right, for a lifelong abuse victim who just murdered her family Maki seems oddly stable all throughout the culling games. I no longer think this is a Maki specific problem, but rather a Jujutsu Kaisen problem. Basically, post Shibuya most of the character conflicts in between characters are dropped so everyone can work seamlessly together as a part of one big team.

This is a storytelling choice on Gege's so he could eventually set up for the Shinjuku Showdown fight, it'd be impossible for everyone to keep jumping in and out of the fight if people kept stopping to argue and have interpersonal conflicts in the middle of it.

If your name wasn't Megumi or Yuji, then basically all your personal hangups, your self-reflection, all got dropped. Which now it kind of makes sense why the audience was yelling at Megumi for not being able to immediately get over his sister's death, like in comparison none of the other characters spend any time at all dwelling on personal issues because Gege needs them to move to the next fight.

I'm not complaining, I'm just saying this is how Gege chose to write his characters post Shibuya, most personal conflicts got dropped for story reasons.

However, there was one moment that made me really get on board with Maki's writing again, and it was a... you guessed it moment of personal conflict.

This moment where Yuta is bringing up the idea of body swapping with Gojo before the group, and Maki despite being firmly against it is unable to do or say anything substantive to stop Yuta.

It's the first time I've seen that yeah, Maki is still in fact reeling from the loss of Mai. It doesn't really show most of the time on the surface, but Maki's always been like that - like an island able to stand strong without the support of anyone else. It is her strength, and also her greatest weakness.

Remember, the last time someone she loved walked away from her and decided to sacrifice their body and autonomy so they could become a weapon for the greater good Maki wasn't able to say or do anything to convince Mai to stay with her and stay by her side too.

There's the parallel with Maki and Sukuna, that Sukuna chose to devour his own twin in the womb in order to survive and therefore gained a body perfect for sorcerery. When Mai died, Maki gained a body just like Toji's.

Maki carved everything away in order to become a true void, but unlike Sukuna she didn't do it by choice.

We know she wouldn't willingly sacrifice Mai. She begged Mai to stay. Yet, she kind of did choose to sacrifice Mai with every choice she made before that. Maki chose being a Jujutsu Sorcerer over Mai every single time, to the point where when it counted she couldn't do anything to convince Mai to stay.

Maki consumed her twin and became a monster like Sukuna, a true void. She didn't choose to do it per se, but every choice she made leading up to that point indicated to Mai that Maki would rather be strong on her own then weak together with Mai. That Maki is someone like Gojo, and like Sukuna meant to stand strong all alone. Maki is an island and that is her greatest strength and her greatest flaw.

As when it happens again and someone she loves is about to become a monster, she can't find the words to convince Yuta to stay with her on the beach instead of walking into the ocean the same way she couldn't find the words to stop Mai. After all, Maki is someone who chose to become a monster like Toji after losing everything else, what right does she have to stop Yuta from becoming a monster too?

How could she possibly stop him from walking the path she walked? I think it's telling to thde depths of her love that Maki who values being a sorcerer above everything else, would have rather had both Mai and Yuta stay human and stay with her, but also telling of her complete inability to express that love.

It's "You're too important to us" because the words "You're too important to me," doesn't occur to Maki in both cases with Yuta and Mai, because Maki is an island. She can keep going on even after Mai and Yuta are gone even if she doesn't want to.

So here is the one change I would make the Maki's endgame to make her and Yuta's character arcs perfect. I would just have Yuta not be able to come back from Gojo's body. Otherwise, Yuta being magically fixed after the fact makes that whole plot twist kind of inconsequential and as much as I love Yuta in Gojo's body it kind of just seems to exist for shock-value now considering how easily it was resolved.

Yuta not coming back would provide a consequence for Yuta defiling Gojo's body, and also in general give the perfect bittersweet ending to both him and Maki's arcs. They both chose to become monsters in the end to defeat Sukuna, and as a result Maki is standing alone at the strongest. It would also provide the perfect parallel to this scene with Geto and Gojo. You could even have Maki musing on how she was left behind again. There's a pretty big parallel to Maki and Gojo both being people who seemingly don't need anyone because they're so strong and self-sufficient and yet they crumble at the idea of the one person they've always been relying on walking away from them.

It would also parallel Megumi and Itadori as well, because the reason that itadori is eventually able to reach Megumi is specifically because unlike everyone else he refused to give up his humanity to defeat Sukuna.

You could have a really heartbreaking parallel of three generations of friendships broken apart by the Jujutsu World. Satosugu, and YutaMaki aren't able to reach each other and stay together, but finally by never giving up on reaching out towards one another Megumi and Itadori are both able to find each other again after the world and Sukuna pulled them apart.

I do enjoy this scene a lot - especially the parts where Maki seems borderline arrogant by insisting she could have done things all on her own and if they went with her plan instead of Yuta's then they would have suffered far less losses. Especially since Maki's not genuinely trying to chew Yuta out here, she just knows no other way to express her worry over him besides being hyper aggressive and confrontational.

It still shows that Maki's personality problems are all still there, she loves people a lot but she loves people from afar and can't admit to needing them but like I'm just saying we could have had THE UTLIMATE DOOMED LOVERS ending for YutaMaki.

[evansbby]

GIRLIE GIRLIE GIRLIE LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN. I HAVE AN IDEA FOR A REQUEST.

[Its also 03:57AM and I’m crying my eyes out, so I might regret this when I woke up lolllll]

Hear me out, hear me out, hear me out. See the visionnnnn. So, this is my request:

Sugar daddy!Ari AU. This is a little after the reader becomes his girlfriend. The reader hasn’t really gotten it into her head that she’s not just his sugar baby, but she’s his love, so she tends to hide her feelings and pain and raw emotions from him because she wants to sort of keep up the image of her being his sexy personal nymphomaniac because she thinks he’ll leave if she’s real with him.

So let’s say, something happened. Maybe an argument with her terrible family or her shitty friends gossip about her or she’s burnt out from taking care of others or someone shames her for something, idk, you’re the author, you decide what happens, but anyways.

Something happens that made her extremely sad and miserable, but she’s trying to hide her feelings from Ari, she pretends everything is fine (it’s not lol), she’s acting a little weird cos she’s trying to keep up appearances so that he won’t dismiss and discard her, etc. But Ari, being her daddy and the smart motherfucker he is, knows that something is wrong with his precious girl.

So basically, shit goes down with her and Ari and he soft doms her (maybe a little hard dom too) and comforts her and reassures her that she’s his girl and not just a plaything and all that lovey dovey shit. Oh, and aftercare lol! Only if you want to.

This probably could’ve been said in fewer words, but I’m crying my eyes out and it’s a little cathartic to type this out lol, sorryyyy. Thank youuuu! Love your writing!

Oh I would love to read this 😭😭😭

But you see I’m insane so I need to make it more sad so if I were to write this…

I’d make it so that reader is very insecure and she thinks she’s not good enough to be Ari’s girlfriend (kind of along the lines of what you said) and she thinks she’s only good enough for sex bc she has zero feelings of self worth 🤧🤧🤧 and no matter what Ari says or does to reassure her and uplift her, she just doesn’t believe him😔😔

And she keeps pushing herself away from him, bc she thinks he deserves better bc he’s such a nice guy and it’s not a normal sugar daddy relationship bc Ari doesn’t even expect sex from her (although they do have great amazing perfect sex) but Ari just loves talking to her all night, getting to know her interests, buying her special gifts that match her interests… And reader is overwhelmed bc she’s sooo insecure and she thinks she doesn’t deserve this happiness. She’s scared of letting herself be happy in case Ari “wakes up” one day and realises he can do better and leaves her🥲 (he wouldn’t but she thinks he will).

So then one day she gets so overwhelmed that she breaks up with him impulsively. But we all know what a strong mature wise perfect daddy Ari is, so he’d be like “let’s talk this out” and she bursts into tears and tells him that he deserves better and that she’s broken and she needs to go away so he can start living his life instead of always worrying about her 🥲🥲🥲 and Ari tells her that he’s in love with her and he couldn’t live without her and then they have sex 🥺🥺🥺 where Ari is being a soft dom and sooo perfect and sexy and reader needed this bc she needs him to tell her what to do so she can relax and stop worrying. Her mind never turns off during the day and she’s wracked with insecurities and fear, but with Ari… he lets her mind go blank so she doesn’t need to think, and she feels okay.

But then she’s up all night and Ari is asleep and she watches him and all her insecurities come back and she thinks that he deserves better and he can’t spend his whole life with her as a burden just bc she’s so insecure all the time 🥲🥲

So she leaves… without a note or a phone call or anything. In fact, she moves far away to live with a distant relative and deletes her social media. Ari calls her and texts her every single day, begging her to pick up or come back etc and she changes her phone number 🥲🥲🥲 some of her friends tell her that Ari is miserable and he’s still looking for her and waiting for her but she hopes he will move on soon.

Anyways then reader starts working on herself, she gets a job in an industry she likes and she makes some new friends. She starts seeing a therapist and slowly, bit by bit, her confidence starts to grow. She realises she deserves love as much as anyone else does. And she misses Ari so much bc he really was the love of her life 🥹🥹 it’s been a whole year now and one day she decides she wants to see him again. She wants to try again and hopefully he’d be open to getting back together with her.

She shows up at his door with Chinese takeaway (their favourite meal they’d have together) and Ari answers the door and he’s shocked to see her. And she says she thinks she’s all whole again, she thinks she’s fixed and she’d like to give it a try with him once more. And she got food 🍲

But then she looks beyond his shoulder and sees another girl. And Chinese takeaway already on the table. He’s moved on. She’s heartbroken. But she smiles and tells him she’s happy for him. He tries to stop her but she leaves.

THE END 😭😭😭😭

[cherryberg]

Also. This is your sign to introduce an OC. Here and now

hi ardate :] this is a bit late but, since i did it, i might as well introduce her now in this post

for my april fool's day joke, i did a little trick on the find everything discord server where i made a handful of screenshots showing a new (fake) character:

this is Myla Warper, a Whatsit Woods NPC

i don't have much on her at the moment, and i suspect a lot about her lore will become obsolete when 0.3 comes around, but essentially, she's an engineer and the inventor of the Warp, the in-game fast travel system. she spends a lot of time at home, but is getting out a little more, using the Warp and a range of mobility aids

she managed to trick a few folks (which, looking at how the first find everything hoax, wouldn't've been a hard thing to pull off) but, shortly after - though, in retrospect, it could've been left revealed until the end of the day, i revealed the prank with:

anyway, i'll put the fake screenshots under the cut and maybe post Myla concepts in a reblog :] + notes. there'll be notes. i've got notes

i don't remember when exactly i conceptualised Myla, but it might've been between when 0.2 was released and when the developers streamed their 0.2 launch stream a few days later. this is because i had this thought of Myla living in that old abandoned house, working away at her tech (in the early stages, Myla's outfit in my mind would be a the classic tanktop and half-worn jumpsuit where the top half was tied around her waist, you know the look), but obviously had to be just a fun scrapped idea when it was discussed on the stream that Old Man Majig lives there

still, Myla being hidden away in this corner of Whatsit Woods is reminiscent of that idea i guess. it is also just a very good spot for something you could've missed, especially since the community had been combing through save files looking for the second fun value, but it does sort of make her following dialogue a little strange as she's not near any Warp pads

this bit is meant to, like, mirror dialogue from "tutorial NPCs" who casually introduce new concepts to the player. having worked hard on drawing Illie last year for Halloween, i had her a lot in mind, with Illie also being a tutorial NPC. looked over her 5 lines of dialogue a lot to try and get the vibe down right (of course, she wasn't the only one, but she was the main one) .. i can wrap my head around the Find Everything art style, but writing stuff that matches the FE vibe got me stumped so i hope it didnt stand out all that much

originally, those first two lines where different and. stiffer for a long while ("I actually make a few Warp Drives myself!"/"Er… Let's not be humble, maybe more than a few. Maybe all of 'em."), but i think it worked out in the end. the very first bit of dialogue was also changed ("Hey there, blockling! Just on a walk.") to just be combined with the next line but i just really wanted to preserve that "blockling" here. i know it's just the species name of like. the Roblox character, but it also reads as a little endearing term to me

ahh, the reason why i sort of thought up Myla in the first place. see, a big contention in the find everything community is Whatsit Woods being the only major area in the game without a Warp Drive, despite there already being Warp pads by its entrances in two neighbouring areas. the lack of a Whatsit Woods Warp is very likely to be changed with the 0.3 map rework, but i always thought this (and the Construction Zone Warp.. ) discourse was stupid. Myla going "No. Why? I live here." is like. cathartic to me.(??)

but regardless, she and Watcher Macallit are kind of ocs born from asking "why is this the way it is?" why is there no Whatsit Warp Drive? what makes a Thing a Thing? just ocs to play with and sort of expand worldbuilding, and i love doing this

[fuckmeyer]

hoo boyo so i'm the small writing human o/ *waves*

thank you for your response and i just took the time to read through your Jacob black's life matters and how smeyer killed him and i found it super interesting. (also it literally excites me seeing the quotes with the page numbers🤤). -----anyway back on track now. so i've always hd a liking for twilight since i watched the movies when they released (i would have been like 10..?) because i generally like the genre it falls in to. back in feb i watched all the movies again with my mum and she owns all the books so i started to read Twilight and pretty much loved it (i'm easily pleased). it took me like three weeks to get through it which is pretty average for me (attention span..) but then when i picked up New Moon i could barely put it down. i read it in 4 days which is the fastest ive ever read a book by a looong shot. i kind of fell off with reading eclipse... it took me almost 2 whole months to get through which just shows.

i think in hindsight one of the reasons i actually love New Moon (book) more than the rest is that there isnt really a 'set in stone villain' (twilight has james, eclipse has the newborns//victoria, then BD has the volturi. i suppose edward is the only thing that could class as a villan that book but thats not my point i think i enjoyed it more because of the time we get to spend with bella and jacobs characters . . . (quick side note that i watched the movies after finishing the books and new moon has no justice i feel like it washes over the effect jacob had on bringing bella "back to life" so much. so upsetting)

anyhoodles. i think i enjoy Twilight to set up B&E, then New Moon to set up B&J, then as you say in the crit Eclipse just kind of forces you to choose. and it makes sense. after just watching the movies i cant see a way in hell anyone would be team jacob---but having read the books its a whole different story. but then again... smeyer.... yeah.

sorry this has been such a long ask and doesnt really have a question involved, feel free to not post a response as i understand it's long:')

as a last note while i think of it i think that Eclipse for me fell off in that i didnt particularly care about what it was doing. i liked reading about bella and edward in twilight and then bella and jacob in new moon and i just didnt really care for most of eclipse. but maybe thats because i fell in love with bella and jacob from new moon and then had the character sabotaged.. heavy sigh. i think it says a lot that ive had a fan art of bella and jacob walking along the beach as my phone wallpaper since i read new moon so that says it all really.

i apologise once again for the length of this. ---if you wanna see the fan art wallpaper ill find it and reblog it so its at the top of my page.

p(p?)s. i'm glad it's sunny there! it's rained here the last couple days :c

hello tiny writing human! glad to have you back :)

glad you liked the analysis! & the books. New Moon is my favorite too, & i definitely agree with you that part of the appeal is the internal struggle Bella faces. we do get Victoria in the background & the werewolves, but really the whole book is about Bella learning to cope with 1) being a human in a supernatural world 2) her grief of being alone [i.e. without Edward] in this new world. watching her pick up the pieces of her life & build something new & beautiful & imperfect with Jacob was cathartic & relatable - v much a triumph in a series so rooted in the fantastical.

& it's hard to watch Eclipse become this struggle between two boys. because really, it's not about Edward or Jacob. Bella's choice is about whether she wants to give up everything for this cold, "perfect," monstrous, immortal life; or, whether she wants to stick around & build something warm & human & imperfect & finite with Jacob.

by twisting Jacob's character from the symbols of sunshine & values of humanity he represents into a bad-boy supernatural love interest competing with Edward for Bella's affection, it erases some of the characterization that we have come to expect & love in Jacob. because when Meyer positions him as a love interest, he's not embodying the traits as a friend; he's embodying the traits of what Meyer thinks is formidable love interest and rival to Edward: confident, cocky, aggressive, persistent... Jacob becomes nothing more than a 2000s-era (& before) trope of how men in our society "should" act towards women. so, everything we came to knew about Jacob was morphed into this friend/lover hybrid that just didn't work for who he was. he is Jacob...but he is not our Jacob.

(& the movies did him even worse because the "slice of life" B/J scenes we get were mostly cut.)

anyway, thanks for coming back & letting me rant about one of my favorite characters & my fave book :)

[infolane]

ARC V MONTH DAY 14 - Halfway to Heartland Tower

@arcvmonth​

The star of today’s how is no other than Kurosaki Ruri! So let’s talk a little about her.

At first, I wasn’t sure how to characterize her in roleplays and fanfiction, which was a huge problem because I did want to give her a more protagonistic role in writing! There is so little about her... barely any presence in the anime... so I started to pick up the shards where I could, focusing on neutral and negative qualities to balance things out.

I started with the idea of her wanting to understand the war and the uprooting of her life. From there, more and more bits became clear to me. She wants to step out of Shun’s shadow. She loves her friends, but feels like they don’t understand her her anymore. A metamorphosis, an egg, a bird hatching to finally see the sun-

The turning point was when I decided to base the way she speaks and interacts with the world on Good Sky, Vocal Marole and Petscop. Suddenly, she was a fundamentally strange person with many good intentions, but some odd ways to go about it. And that was that for Kurosaki Ruri!

Of course, different AUs call for different outfits. Pictured above is her, as found in @cathartes-ruri​ (which... we really need to get back to writing. Oops)

Now, for something different- a piece of fanfiction! Same AU as in the comics for other days. Has that become an overarching theme for this event? :o

It is two in the morning and he still hasn’t come back to his room. Ruri is glad she brought something to read in the meantime- just an old book of folklore. Tongue twisters, rhymes, monsters, stories, riddles, all compiled neatly in a book missing its cover and with chunks of pages missing.

She doesn’t mind it, really. If anything, she’s glad to see people have been reading it. A pristine book in a facility like this would also be the least liked one. The kind only Kaito would care about.

The door creaks open and Ruri perks up.

Sora has arrived.

It’s breathtakingly pitiful. Hair down, wearing that ratty nightgown from forever ago, eyes dead, expression perfectly neutral...

“...Did you wait for me?”, he asks, closing the door behind himself.

“If it wasn’t me it would be Rin.”

He grimaces. It’s not that he dislikes Rin, not in the slightest- Evibell is living proof of it. No- he just hates the worried face she makes every time. The difficult conversation had without words about their partnership.

The way she can’t even bring herself to call him a friend.

Well, Ruri isn’t her. Being much more shameless, she calls him a friend. At least that’s how Rin says it. That painful point of contention, of friction.

“If you are going to lounge around at least pay attention to me instead of spacing out~”, he says, light hearted as he picks out proper pajamas and enters the bathroom.

A personal bathroom...the kind of thing available for one room in each wing of the facility- though this, the north wing, has one extra room like that, reserved for Yuya and the other three.

Ruri wonders how Sora must have worked hard for this room. It’s a small thing, really, but giving him a place of his to retreat must be helpful.

Not like that year.

He’d come back from the woods drowning in satisfaction, smelling like cotton candy, eyes hazy, distant, having left a dismal world again.

When Serena came to talk, she shared what she knew- the source the smell is being altered by the nameless girl we saw. Someone is dead.

At that point, Ruri asked for her to stop. No need for details, for explanations. Let the rain take it away before the next time we escape into the woods to exercise our nonhuman parts.

The sound of running water.

Yes, it isn’t bothersome at all. He has a role to play, and so he does. You can envy that much... When the trial by fire comes, that figure will have mismatched eyes. He’ll be at center of the world, opening the door to that day you all became cursed.

If you look out the window, the nameless girl is once again a grand spire throbbing and pulsing skyward. This is proof Yuya is asleep, closed eyes sharing her shape with you.

The bathroom door opens and out he steps, already dressed, hair wrapped in a towel.

“Looking at her?”, he asks, coming closer. Ruri smiles.

“Don’t you think she’s beautiful?“

“You need a better taste, Ruri! And that’s coming from me.“

“I just appreciate the commitment to looking bad to see! It’s a step up from normal ghosts, isn’t it?“

“You think it’s a ghost?”

“Yeah. Or something like that- what do you think, Sora?“

He seems lost in thought for a moment before sighing.

“I dunno. I think it’s less of a thing and more of an spectacle. Sometimes there’s that thing outside, sometimes there’s the birds-“

“Those are my favorite.”

“Course it would be~“ He snickers. “But you get it, right? The stuff on the walls, the eyes, the iterations... it’s creepy, but it’s also like a message. A really roundabout one.”

While he talks, Ruri undoes the towel and picks up a brush, beginning the process.

“Do you think we can understand the message if we try?”

“Mm... instead of an answer from me, I wanna hear from you, Ruri-chan.“

That is something she likes about him. He wants to know. He wants to step into her world, see with her eyes, rather than assume things.

The brush pulls off much falling hair.

“I think we are part of the message as well. Once Rin’s trial by fire kills off all unnecessary bits... then I think we will get to understand, even if we give up our memories for his sake...“

Yuto. Yuya. Yugo. Yuri. Four faces of a single person and the epicenter. They have their roles to play. The way to the truth. A sea of blue getting untangled. Is it selfish to want to get to take care of someone like this? To take care of someone before you must return to the shadow of being cared for.

I should be happy to get to move in with Shun.

But she isn’t.

She just wants moments like this to last forever. There is so much untold but mutually understood...

“Sora... I’m sorry. I’m sorry I love your nightmare. Days like these. I’m sorry that I’m your friend. Things are going to hurt a lot more for all of us before it gets better.”

“...Weirdo.“

That much affection in one word...

Outside, the nameless girl sways, covered in feathers.

[fyeahfandomtrash]

fake it till you make it thoughts

i'm terribly late to the party, but my youtube algorithm suddenly recommended this cdrama, and i was intrigued. for context, i've tried checking out different cdramas in the past, but something about the acting, the writing, the cinematography, didn't really grab my attention (there's something more to be said that as a mandarin speaker, i'm also way more selective about what i consider "good" dialogue that i don't rely on translated subtitles to understand, and i feel it harder to suspend my disbelief when i feel like the actors aren't speaking the way real people speak).

needless to say, i was really enamoured by our leads xu ziquan and tang ying, dealing with the struggles of being a small gear in the massive machine that's corporate culture, where their around-the-clock schmoozing with clients, their co-workers, their superiors, requires them to lose themselves for the sake of their careers. it's painfully real, and the way this series is shot almost like a documentary in some sequences definitely immerses the viewer more into this world. there is something to be said that their elite jobs and fat paychecks might be hard to empathize with, but their internal troubles are incredibly universal.

so i think it's even more brave, more romantic when these two make an active attempt to connect with each other, drop their masks, and fall in love.

i love a slow-burn romance when it's done well, and fitymi is emblematic of that. understanding why our characters act the way they do, their insecurities about love, their hesistancy to be honest, is key to sympathizing with our leads when they struggle through getting to that moment of confession. it becomes even more cathartic when we get to that ending in episode 9, when tang ying basically asks xu ziquan, "what are we?" the characters are mature, but they also lack experience in being in real relationships (heartbreaking in its own way, when we feel like we're being swallowed at work, in the vast city we live in, etc.), and the way they handle those "inadequacies" is incredibly grounded. they're not playing caricatures of archetypes. none of the characters in this show are, which is soo refreshing.

at its root, the couple is also supremely convincing with its chemistry between the leads. i could wax poetic about the physical intimacy these two share. the way they casually touch each other, the way xu ziquan looks at tang ying, it makes me feel some type of way! there's an almost voyeuristic quality to these conversations between these characters. xu ziquan and tang ying are so emotionally honest and vulnerable with each other during some truly breathtaking moments that i feel like i should give these two some privacy (it hurts more when these two take a couple of steps back, but it's unnervingly realistic).

(no joke, i could write a whole essay on this scene of them feeding cats, except it's not really about them feeding cats; the subs are kinda wonky on youtube but the ~vibes~ are immaculate)

another thing that makes me love this couple is how after these two circle around each other (very exciting/enthralling to watch), their transition to a real, serious couple is realistic and not frustrating at all (their domesticity is so wholesome and still has me kicking my feet). romance isn't dead after the two get together, which is something that i feel not every drama can land. i'm convinced of why these two are drawn to each other, and why these two choose to stay together. that's a testament to phenomenal writing.

kudos to the entire team behind this gem of a show. if you're like me and could never get into a cdrama before, i highly recommend checking this out! this might finally be the one to get you on board.

p.s. if those friendships rings are product placement, that's by far the best use of product placement ever. because those rings are gorg and hold such a symbolic meaning

[mhaynoot]

gigantic genshin rant, genshin enjoyers please ignore. this is for my own cathartism

i liked genshin like genuinely. like i was one of those losers who played when it first launched, gave up because i didn’t like the flat writing then came back into it because i dunno something but then i got super into it and then i spiraled and became genuinely addicted and obsessive over it because it was literally the only thing keeping me semi-sane during the pandemic and also because lumine is the love of my life and goddess of light, my moon and starlight and i simped so hard for her but god genshin kinda really fucking sucks.

i mean this as sincerely and unharshly as possible but the story is really really bad. the themes and the pacing and the way its written is just so messy.

the game expects you to play the main story and then mid-way randomly go on dates or do character stories. like every archon arc has this one part where everything, the build up, the tension, the plot thickening moment just stops and genshin goes ‘okay now time to go on dates with these limited time characters so you can form a bond with them and give us money to pull for them’ and ughughguh it wouldn’t be too bad but most of the time the character stories are just shallow marketing.

i remember playing ayaka’s story quest and when the story went ‘she doesn’t have any friends’, i pulled up short and was like then wtf is ‘thoma?’ and then cried when thats never ever addressed and she just becomes a demure ojousama character and almost nothing else

like genuinely the character story i like the most is still zhongli’s pt 1 and 2 and that was three years ago.

like the characters have backstories, some with really really interesting backstories. why can’t we just explore those???? why do we have to go on another bland date for the billionth time instead of just seeing a nicely animated scene or heck even just a VN style version of the character’s already written up stories.

oh another bad habit of genshin: themes and plots are just dropped left and right or rushed through in one arc and then never brought up again. like the whole inazuma story arc. also again characters randomly coming up for one scene and then never appearing again because their marketing period is over. again inazuma story arc. god inazuma story arc was just so bad.

over utilisation of npc characters who do not have unique models and bland personalities. like how many greedy merchants are we going to have to sit through? or generic fatui bad guy aklsj crycrycyr

the way its formed as a gacha game (especially one where there is no option to replay events and the main story) with a set release schedule really fucks up any pacing it could potentially have. but also the bloated cast is already cracking under its own weight as some characters a very loved and you can see the care and effort that went into their story, their design, their repeated appearance in the narrative and in everything but then others are just one and done. the way a gacha game’s priority is profit and releasing new characters every so often just means this reality but its so sad and frustrating with the potential loss.

even just reading the story is annoying because of the visual novel aspects combined with the 3d cutscenes make it hard to keep an enjoyable flow. I like reading, i don’t mind skipping some animation or voicelines if i can just keep reading but because of the game forcing you to observe these mini cutscenes, its annoying and choppy as my eyes glaze over and i just wait for a character to cycle through one of four stock animations. seriously character animations are so limited i don’t understand why i have to sit through one more scene of someone crossing their arms. like i understand what they want to do but honestly ive had way mor enjoyment reading static image VNs

paimon keeps repeating entire dialogue scenes to the player as if we’re babies who need someone to summarise what literally just happened on screen. like add a fucking history tab or something please if you won’t even add a skip button. like the whole argument about not adding a skip button is because its all about the story but i’m really truly sorry but the story itself sucks. the dialogue is long winded and sometimes i can literally feel as if the writer had been forced to meet a quota and its just- its just frustrating.

[oliversrarebooks]

absolutely love your story bc. growing up and still now (as I turn 20)

its never been beatings its always been dismissal as the abuse or the simpler forms of manipulation. "Your fine, your not being called a bitch/slut/whore/evil/ I didn't hit you. So theres no reason to cry."

and your story combines like just becoming complacent in it and also my love of vampires. So like double win and triple win becuase I didn't have to make myself accept the writing. It was just there. Like with other stories I found in the past I had to force myself to like them bc. I wasn't ready to acknowledge that what I am experincing is calssified as abuse.

But now that I am and have come to the conclusion that it isn't right and that y'know people can perhaps change...Your story just feels like healing and entertinment.

This is so sweet! I'm so glad that I could write something cathartic for you. I know writing this has been cathartic for me too.

Dismissal of feelings is always such a hard thing, because emotional neglect is real, especially when you're a little kid and can't get your emotional needs met easily. It's not something that looks like abuse to anyone, but it can really mess people up.

I think it's important that we get to experience these feelings now and feel less alone through writing and reading.

[pesbianlanic]

march 2023 reading

books in bold are especially recommended! i had the pleasure of reading some absolute bangers this month.

Gilded by Marissa Meyer - 5/10. i dunno. i loved the Lunar Chronicles, which is the main reason i picked this up. while i enjoyed a lot of the horror-lite world-building, there were parts of it that confused me. i also thought that the pacing and the ending were off. i’m going to read the sequel in hopes that it gets better. we’ll see.

Empty by Susan Burton - 7/10. hard to get through. but i appreciated the writing and her insights.

On A Sunbeam by Tillie Walden - 8/10. beautiful art and cute gay story. what’s not to love?

Blackfish City by Sam J. Miller - 9/10. y’all. i am obsessed with this. i want to live inside sam j. miller’s mind because OH MY GOD this was amazing. we love queer-centering anti-capitalist speculative sci-fi about a world after climate change! literally want a tattoo inspired by this book immediately.

Babel, Or the Necessity of Violence by R.F. Kuang - 10/10. i was once again entranced by Kuang’s prose, world-building, and commentary. i’ve been thinking a lot recently about the *apparent* inevitability of imperialism and capitalism, so this was very cathartic.

Sorrowland by Rivers Solomon - 9/10. an enchanting and powerful book. i will be thinking about this one for a long time.

Our Colors by Gengoroh Tagame - 8/10. i always love gay coming-of-age stories. 

Hell Bent by Leigh Bardugo - 8/10. i think i preferred Ninth House, but this sequel still holds up! it’s fun, bloody, mysterious, and magical.

Detransition, Baby by Torrey Peters - 9/10. i enjoyed this novel. it was an interesting exploration of gender and parenthood, and it made me go down a rabbit hole investigating queer temporality.

Nona the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir - 10/10. DEVASTATING! I NEED ALECTO THE NINTH IMMEDIATELY. I WILL NOT BE NORMAL ABOUT THIS BOOK

Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens - 2/10. the more i reflect on this book, the more i wish i hadn’t wasted my time reading it. a few reasons why: (1) the characterization of the two Black people in this book seemed racist in a song of the south way. (2) i think i’m losing my patience for straight people lit. i think i’m becoming heterophobic. (3) kya gave me mary sue vibes (don’t get me started on her poetry). (4) the ending was rushed and cliche, and i skipped most of it. (5) also, SPOILERS but kya did turn out to be the murderer in the end, so where was my murder scene hm???? i wanted to see that asshole get killed. it gets a 2 for its excellent descriptions of nature, because that is clearly delia owens’ true wheelhouse.

The Jakarta Method by Vincent Bevins - 9/10. excellent exploration of US-backed anticommunist violence (mass murders), its personal and devastating effects for the victims and survivors, and how it shaped the world we live in today.

Hell Followed With Us by Andrew Joseph White - 10/10. holy shit. this was everything my queer, religiously traumatized ass needed. this is the kind of queer representation i’ve been waiting for. beautiful, messy, horrifying, cathartic, and inspiring all at once. i will be following AJ White! i’m so excited to read The Spirit Bares Its Teeth later this year.

Convenience Store Woman by Sayaka Murata - 8/10. this was a really interesting exploration of work culture, non-conformity, and the ways that essential workers (such as the titular convenience store woman) are looked down upon by society.

Dolly Dingle, Lesbian Landlady by Monica Nolan - 8/10. a fun, modern take on lesbian pulp fiction of the ‘50s/’60s! don’t expect anything too deep or artistically aspirational, because that is not the point. it’s just an entertaining, gay, easy read.

The Bruising of Qilwa by Naseem Jamnia - 9/10. a beautiful, magical, queer book that examines the complexities of immigration, empire, and violence in the guise of a blood magic fantasy novel.

The Silence of Our Friends by Mark Long - 6/10. as a telling of the author’s father’s real experiences in the ‘60s, it’s personal and compelling. however, this graphic novel mainly centers white people grappling with racism (because we don’t have enough stories about that /s). could be appropriate for introducing young (white) kids to the history of the Civil Rights Movement and issues of racism.

bonus - a book i stopped reading:

The Library of the Unwritten by A.J. Hackwith. the premise of this book was intriguing and sounded like exactly the kind of thing i’d enjoy reading. however, something about the characterization and dialogue grated on my nerves. the main character, claire, especially annoyed me. also, when i see 8 ellipses within the span of a few paragraphs, i start to get peeved. it made me want to reread Good Omens as a palate-cleanser with similar vibes. maybe i’ll try it again at some point, but for now this book is not for me.

goodreads shenanigans here

[lovelylogans]

question about journalism- as someone aspiring to get into it for college, what are your tips on becoming more educated(?) on it? like skills, prior knowledge, whatnot-? thank you!

oh, this is a great question with a lot of different answers!!!

first of all, i'm going to assume you're in the u.s.—mostly bc that's where most of my experience comes from—and as such, there's a lot of stuff to research/examine bc the field is so vast!!!

if you have a particular sub-sect of journalism that you know you'd love to focus on (things like photo/print/broadcast/radio, but also subdivisions like celebrity, politics, sports, traditional "hard" news, media journalism, etc.) i really encourage you to seek out reading/hearing the work of other journalists! find folks whose work you admire, and why you might like their stuff. is it the content itself? is it their writing style? is it the approach they take? think about all of that as you peruse!

on that note—vary your interests in the journalism you consume! if you read a lot of print, try a podcast (like npr, the daily, the new york times, not technically a podcast but i really like the "under the desk" tiktoks) if you listen to a lot of podcasts, try a documentary, if you watch a lot of documentaries, try print! etc. etc.

oh, also—in and of itself, there's a lot to study about journalism! its effects on history, legal rulings, ethical dilemmas, etc. find what interests you—i almost guarantee you can wrangle a number of papers out of it for assignments! plus, there's certainly been a lot of studies/books about it, which are great resources to learn about what shapes the field today!

if you're not rising immediately into college, i'd say work on your high school publications, if offered. that gave me several practical skills i found pretty helpful stepping into various intro courses, but don't sweat it if you haven't—a lot of those intro courses have tas/labs/times for you to learn and ask questions

since you are going into college—if any of your professors have published books, check them and see if they interest you! look up advanced courses and see what subjects pique your interest! check out your campus publications, and if there are any notable alums who have gone on in the field, and just generally the history of your journalism school.

some (a lot) of journalism schools also have memberships into certain membership/socities—editors, broadcast reporters, etc., along with if you're poc/queer/a woman/etc.—poke around! see what you enjoy! hit up informational meetings!

(also, side note—your college library might have subscriptions to a lot of publications. take advantage! read 'em! watch 'em!)

subscribe to your local news, if you have the financial means! both of your hometown and college town!

there are so, so, so many books and documentaries that have been published—it's really just a question of finding the ones that interest you! here's penguin house's list of must-read books by journalists and goodread's journalism category to get you started.

oh, also, not strictly journalism related, but still important—invest in some variant of self-care. writing silly oneshots was so helpful to me in college when i was covering harder-hitting subjects, a night out with friends in the program to vent about certain goings-ons was both cathartic and a good way to stay updated on things, long walks while going to and from class while catching up on music i wanted to listen to helped clear my head. unsure of what your subject is, but especially for a lot of earlier courses, you might be various beats that have harder-hitting subjects in addition to your typical course load—remember to take care of yourself!

[sinbury]

I’m relieved to hear you’re doing better!! I’m really sorry it took me a while to get to you life has really been beating me down lately and it made me nonverbal, I have thought of you though, how have you been?

I’m sorry, how’ve you been with that? I’ll never understand your loss but I do understand your bond, I have an older sibling and she means a lot to me. It’s funny huh they know how to tick you off but at the end of the day your each other’s missing piece.

Ohh okay good questions!! I do have a cat. I’ll show you pictures when I reveal myself but she’s a grey tabby!! I adore her and found her in the streets lol I have an older sister aaand my favorite hobby is crochet it gives my hands something to do yanno? I get pretty antsy so that helps. I wanna learn bass or maybe drums in the future (I heard the ladies love a girl who plays an instrument and I need something—anything to impress lol) jk I love the sound them 😊 okay, I’ll keep this short buuut I love villains because how misunderstood they are, most of them are woman and our feelings are belittled even in the media. It’s always “they’re crazy” or “you can’t excuse their behaviors because of their trauma” failing to realize that not everyone comes out of trauma as a soft uwu. Trauma isn’t pretty. And most men are forgiven by the public even after making terrible decisions. Some actions become a defensive mechanism and we just want what we deserve. People fail to see that with woman. Men get to feel rage and destruction and literally nobody bats an eye, that behavior is so normalized god forbid woman feel that same intensity of rage and selfishness without the public making entire studies about their behavior. I think 2 of my favorites that I can think of at the top of my head are Catra from shera and Jinx from Arcane. Maybe I’m bias? Now your turn, hobbies? What tv show are you currently watching? Fave season? - Red ❤️

thanks for responding!! i was starting to get worried abt u hehe xx im sorry to hear lifes been hard enough to make you nonverbal :( i dont know what thats like specifically but i know it must fucking suck. i hope u feel better soon and im sending u love 💕

grief sucks ass but its always nice to hear about other peoples siblings!! makes me feel a little bit closer to my brother sometimes :)

i am SO excited to see ur kitty!!! i love that u enjoy crochet bc i have dabbled in it myself and omg its tedious!! kudos for having that patience lmao. i def recommend learning bass too bc my brother was teaching me for a while and its SO FUN !!!!!! 1000/10 makes u feel like a sex god

i like your breakdown of villains in media too, thats always why ive been drawn to them too! especially hot sexy women who do unspeakable acts theres just something so good and cathartic about seeing that 😍😍😍 i havent seen all of she-ra or arcane but i do LOVE jinx from what little i know of her!!! probably due to my harley quinn obsession when i was in high school lmaooo

my pretty much only hobby is art. i just say art as a broad term bc i tend to skip around mediums forever and ever hehe i love all kinds of art!! im not currently watching anything new but one of my fav series is an old detective drama called Life bc the symbolism and the writing is just SO chefs kiss that ive seen it approximately 274818858 times!!! it only has 2 seasons and both are so beautiful in different ways :)

i realize now that i dont even know your pronouns smh!! tell me more abt u!!!! i need all the juicey deets >:3

[bookwyrminspiration]

Hello Quil!

I am here to finally tell you about the book I mentioned before that I think you might like. I have essentially needed to obsess over this book for months because I have to write a very long essay about it, so I have a lot of thoughts and hopefully you will enjoy some of them. 

The book is The Left Hand of Darkness by Ursula K Le Guin. You might have heard of it before, or maybe even read it, since I saw you reblogging a post about Le Guin a few months ago, but since you have not brought it up I’m just going to tell you about it and hope you will be interested! :)

To start, the book has this really interesting format where most of the chapters are the story narrated by the main characters, but every so often they’ll be a folktale from one of the cultures which relates to the story in an interesting way and really shows off the world building. 

As for the plot, the book is about this guy called Genly Ai who’s a representative of “the Ekumen”, which is kind of like the UN but for space, and he’s trying to get these people on a planet called Gethen to join so they can all benefit from trade. 

Two important things about Gethen:

It’s super cold there. A ton of the world is just ice sheets, and then there’s a small inhabitable section of land. This actually has some cool effects on their culture, like the fact that a ton of people use sledges, or that there’s literally dozens and dozens of words for different types and textures of snow (I thought you would like that part when I read it)

Almost everyone who lives there is androgynous. They don’t really have concepts of “opposite” sexes or genders except for animals, which are sexually dimorphic. So basically everyone is intersex and non-binary, which is pretty forward-thinking for a book written in 1969. 

The gender thing is pretty interesting, but my favorite parts of the book were the politics and the interpersonal relationships. I don’t want to spoil too much of the book if you haven’t read it, but there’s a lot of interesting political intrigue bits and towards the end two characters form a really close relationship which was fascinating to read about. 

Also this book just has really good world building. With the descriptions they gave I felt like it could actually be an alien world with its own culture and ways of life. All of the places had pretty awesome names, too. 

I think one of my favorite parts about this book is the narration, though, because the way the narrator talks about stuff is actually kind of funny, without really trying to be? Like there’s this one point where he’s running away from a burning village but talks about it so nonchalantly that it took me a whole page to realize he was actually running away from a burning village? He’s also a really bad judge of character but you don’t realize this until like halfway through the book, at which point it sort of becomes dramatic irony and I found it kind of entertaining?

Also this book uses the misunderstanding trope in a way that actually makes a lot of sense and it’s very cathartic when the characters finally understand each other, so that’s awesome. 

Anyway, I’ve been talking about this book for a while and I should probably wrap up but I guess I’ve just had a lot of thoughts, which makes sense given that I’ve had to think about a book that I actually love for months for a school assignment. I hope you read this book and enjoy it! 

I’m doing well (just helped to crowdsource a speech and I’m now on a not-field-trip and listening to random acoustic performances.) I hope you’re having a good day too!

- Amethyst

~

Hello Amethyst!! This is actually a little wild, because while I haven’t read the book myself, I have already (fairly recently) received an incredibly enthusiastic endorsement for the book from a classmate and I’ve read a short story set in its world about kemmer (i forget how to spell it). My fantasy class read it for gender week!

I’m always a sucker for worldbuilding, though. love hard/high fantasy. the more complex and confusing, the more I fall in love. i want to know the methods and frequency of food transportation across and between countries <33

I gotta admit though, I do think when I get around to it that the planet being named Gethen will throw me off for a little bit. I’ll just keep thinking of a cryptic blond guy in spandex jogger shorts. but!! you’re absolutely right I do love the language detail! reminds me of a project i did once that (anecdotally) showed how the vocabulary of a language reflects its location/culture.

okay, I went to find the title of the piece I read. it’s called “coming of age in karhide” by sov thade tage em ereb, of rer, in karhide, on gethen. so I am familiar, at least through that, of kinda how the gender and sex work on gethen! though I didn’t understand that in karhide on gethen part of the subtitle until now, since I didn’t know gethen was a planet. and I agree it’s quite fascinating. apparently the inspiration for creating the system was because le guin wanted to be able to write the sentence “the king was pregnant.” and while there are easier ways to get there (transgenderism), she did achieve that.

political intrigue!! love when we get to explore the political systems of the fantasy cultures and they have impact on the story. though sometimes it can get overbearing. there’s a balance, as with everything. side note: love the incorporation of politics in the lady trend memoirs. they’re tied to everything because the structure of the world shapes how you can act and move in it, but it doesn’t overtake the mc’s passions and focuses.

and of course the funny narrator is always a bonus. especially when its done well. i read a book the other day called the similars that had a pretty classic teenage nihilism kind of humor, and it wasn’t great (the book as a whole, but I knew that going in), but it was startling in a fun way to get to like page two and see, “Grasping for some semblance of order, I began naming my different moods. For example: ‘A Zombie Just Ate My Body,’ which is like being frostbitten and stun-gunner and about 94 percent dead inside. At least that one is bearable, unlike ‘Get That Serrated Knife Out Of My Chest,’ which is as painful as it sounds.”

ough the misunderstanding/miscommunication trope, the bane of my existence. it can be done really well, it just can also be done really really bad and when it’s bad? infuriating. being misunderstood/misjudged is one of my least favorite things irl. i don’t know why, it just sets off this like visceral frustration and need to correct it

anyway! i fully intend to read this book someday! I actually had meant to pick it up a few months ago, but it wasn’t where it should’ve been at the bookstore, and I was sneaking in a trip between other things to pick up a specific book for my dad’s birthday, so I didn’t have time to stop and look more thoroughly unfortunately.

i’m glad you’re doing well! i’m like a week late on this one, but i’m also alright--officially done with the semester. which is nice because no more schoolwork for a while. but also weird because I. am a very well trained worker who now needs to figure out what to do with myself in the absence of assignments. i’ve just been reading so far, but i’ll have to figure something out or i’ll lose my mind a little :)

[letters-to--the-void]

an expression of thanks

how do you write a letter to someone you've never met -- someone who may never know of your existence? it's a question I've grappled with over much of the last year since discovering Sleep Token has changed the trajectory of my life. naturally, it follows that I feel a great deal of gratitude toward the band as a whole as well as the individuals behind the music.

Vessel, you'll probably never know who I am. we'll probably never meet; you won't see my face or know my name. just as you are meant to be an enigma to us -- a blank slate that serves only to portray the art as it is meant to be -- so many of us fans are to you. the intentional disconnect between the artists, the art, and the fans further divorces a rapidly growing fanbase from any sort of personal connection to those responsible for the gift of this music, and make no mistake; I respect the creative vision and intention behind this decision immensely. however, as someone who owes so much to this art, it makes it difficult for me to feel I can ever adequately express my appreciation for all this music has done for me.

without getting into too much detail, my early independent adult life has been challenging. I found myself in an unhealthy living situation, a job that takes advantage of me, and a relationship in which my boundaries and needs are neither acknowledged nor respected. every way I looked, I felt trapped between a rock and a hard place, and like a seedling growing through cracks in the pavement, I allowed myself to be stunted and forced into the shape of something I was not. I fell into a complacency where nothing really moved me; I was going through the motions day to day, no longer really feeling or caring about anything at all. I couldn't move myself to engage in the hobbies that once brought me joy; couldn't even find the energy to care.

one day I stumbled across Sleep Token. I'm someone who's always had quite a diverse but specific taste in music, an "I like what I like" kind of person if you will. I wasn't immediately taken with the songs that I sampled, but a couple days later I felt compelled to go back & listen through the entire discography, which is a rarity in and of itself as I've never been the type to even listen through an entire album, much less an entire discography. with each song, I fell a bit deeper until I was consumed by it.

yours is the first band to truly make me feel seen and understood; the first to communicate experiences and feelings in such a way that I knew there was someone else out there who had felt the way that I have. this music became a remedy for my tired existence. listening to some songs feels like picking at a wound, yet in a cathartic way. there is recognition of the fact that there is indeed a wound, but its very existence also suggests that healing is possible. other songs are a comfort like a hand upon the shoulder, reassuring you that all will be fine with time; the warm embrace of someone who cares, promising that they will be there to hold your pieces together when you inevitably break.

this art slapped me out of the sense of complacency and despondency I'd fallen into. it reminded me that I am alive and that there are still mysterious and beautiful things worth living to discover if only I can find the strength and bravery to fight long enough to see them. it told me that I am not alone in my struggles with mental health and toxic relationships; that I am worth more than the abuse and that I am capable of breaking the cycle. it taught me that everything is a cycle, but nothing lasts forever. I can repeat my lived experiences or I can create a new beginning. I can be who I've always been or I can become someone new; someone who is capable and deserving of more, someone who makes different choices and lives a different life.

I have a long way to go. I'm still stuck in a workplace that doesn't truly value me and partnered with someone who doesn't understand or respect me, but the difference is stark. I recognize and care that these situations aren't right for me, and I'm taking steps to rectify these issues. not only is this music now an incredible comfort and support to me, but I've met a lovely community of fellow fans, some of whom are now very close and incredibly dear to me and have proven to be a phenomenal support system. it's been a bit less than a year since I discovered Sleep Token but in that time frame, this music has inspired me to push my comfort zone, meet new people, and do things I otherwise would not have done. in fact, if someone had told me at the beginning of 2023 what the rest of the year would look like, there's not a snowball's chance in hell that I would believe them. ST's music has even reignited my love for music, which was something I was deeply involved with in my teenage years but got out of as I grew older, as we oftentimes seem to do with our teenage hobbies.

I don't know where I would be without this music, but there's a fair chance I might not be around to write such a letter. this art found me in my time of need. it sounds melodramatic, but I'd never discovered anything that gives me as much comfort, strength, and reassurance as this music. though I wish I could give so much more, I'm afraid that all I can offer is this simple thanks and my endless love and support for this project. please remember that you are precious, irreplaceable, and so very loved. your art is changing and saving the lives of many. never doubt your worth. I wish you all the best that life has to offer. as long as ST is around, I'll still be supporting, singing, cheering from the crowd... worshipping.

endlessly, gratefully yours.

[agumonger]

1, 7, 14, 18, 26, 37, 55 and 76 (this one specifically about rh) for that fanfic ask post

1 Do you prefer writing one-shots or multi-chaptered fics?

Multi-chaptered. It's very rare for me to do one-shots, but I wanna look more into them because they're a lot simpler to make. I just really like the progression in multi-chaptered fics. 1000noches is kind of both, as its has "chapters" but it's an extremely short and simple story.

7 How do you choose which POV to write from?

It depends on the scene, which character needs to be developed more, and which character does most of the action or undergoes the biggest development.

For example, picture a scene where Alice tells Bob a secret she's been hiding. If you want to focus the scene on Alice opening up, you write from her POV. If you want to focus on Bob's reaction and how he feels about the secret, you write from his POV. I also recommend Alice's POV if the reader already knows about that secret, in which case we'll probably find Alice more relatable since we know the same information as she does. If we don't know the secret either, we're more likely to feel like Bob.

As another example, if a character has to "learn a lesson" in a scene, and we are meant to experience that lesson too, we should be on the POV of the character who goes through that lesson.

Or at least that's how I feel. I also personally avoid writing from the villain's POV for *too long* unless they're meant to be sympathetic - I often handle their scenes from their henchmen's POV. If they're "irredeemably evil", too much immersion into their POV might make them feel like they need positive development - or is this just a me thing? Oh, unless the villain is comedic and cartoony like Bowser. Then go ham.

14 how do you write emotional scenes? Do you ever feel what the characters feel? Do you draw from personal experiences?how do you write emotional scenes?

Oh, ho ho. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah I do. I kind of try to imagine how I would feel, then code it through the character's own personality and background. And sometimes I've noticed my eyes getting wet. But I've recently become the kind of person who cries at movies sometimes. I think at times I almost cried during the fucking Mario movie. When Mario and Luigi reunite. Them feels...

And... yeah. I get sort of inspired by my own experience but I morph everything so it doesn't become the story of my own life. I try to not to indirectly reference real people or real events I've gone through. A good example is Bruno's silent panic attack in chapter 4 due to his bad grades. It was inspired by one time I realized I had to repeat a whole year and cried my heart out at the high school bathroom. Writing that scene felt incredibly cathartic, and it weirdly helped me find some closure after some complicated years.

Something I've noticed about emotional scenes is that they usually need buildup. In order for us to care about a character, we need to through a journey with them, get to know them. Emotional resolutions become more poignant when there's some story building up to it. In book 1 it's gradually hinted at that Briana is not yet okay, and though I feel I should tweak some of the buildup, when it all breaks down in chapter 9, it breaks hard because it's been bubbling up for six or seven chapters. Maintaining a certain degree of relatability, without hammering the point home over and over again, is key, or else we won't connect with the emotion and the scene will either feel hollow or cheesy.

18 Do you title your fics before, during, or after the writing process? How do you come up with titles?

Honestly... before. I'm such an avid pre-planner with my stories, that I usually have a draft of the whole plot, a title, a theme and a bunch of characters before I even start actually writing.

I don't really know how I come up with them. I usually try to think "is there a theme running through the story?", "what kind of feel do I want it to have?", "can I sum it up in two or three words?"

I usually try to make my titles: memorable, concise, descriptive, distinct, searchable (!) and honest.

Oddly enough, my only regret with Someday as a title is... how common it is as a word. When I search "yume nikki someday", sometimes I get lots of "oh I'd love to play Yume Nikki someday but i don't have the time right now" and stuff. Since thing happened infamously with Digimon Adventure's 2020 adaptation, called... Digimon Adventure:. Yes, with a colon. And you don't pronounce it. You're supposed to just say "Digimon Adventure" out loud. The colon also doesn't show up in some places, such as a hashtags, so when you search the adaptation online, you find the original from 1999. Terrible choice.

By "honest" I mean, make sure the title actually has something to do with the story or theme. SO many books have the word "devil" in the title to make them more intriguing and marketable but they're just random thrillers or something. For me, two to three words is the key, even better if they can be hashtag'd. Make it relevant to the story or themes, make it pronounceable!!! A lot of people keep calling Digimon Extend "Digimon Extended" for some reason. Really, keep it simple, people don't have good memory. (?)

26 Which of your fics would you call your wildest ride?

1000noches (La noche de las mil noches), for real. I wrote it in a month, one chapter per day (each chapter was about a page long), then I illustrated it, one drawing per day, I posted once a day, I ATE Shinanne's Digimon 02 meta at a breakneck pace and literally changed my entire perception of Daisuke while I wrote it. It was made in a frenzy and it's my most successful fanfic yet. But then again, it's short, simple, and it features popular characters.

37 How do you choose where to end a chapter?

Well, I usually try to center each chapter around a theme. My biggest two examples are Extend and Regulus Harbor. In most of their chapters, the theme is either a confrontation or a lore revelation, or an introduction, or characters coming to terms with something. I like it when you can call a chapter "the one where X happens" in just one sentence.

But I don't think I'm that great at deciding what should go in each chapter... I often just add scenes in order until I reach 15-20 pages because it's the chapter length I like, but this is very arbitrary. Sometimes I have to move scenes to the next chapter because of this... often these haphazard chapters are the ones without a main confrontation going on.

In Digimon, setting up a chapter flow is easy. You introduce some concepts, have a bad guy of the week show up, fight, advance the plot in some way, then point towards the next step.

In Regulus Harbor, I've noticed I usually do it roughly by going through one day chronologically. Which means that chapters often begin with Itsuki or Danny (more or less diurnal charas), and end with Lydia, Fermi, Gakkoros or Jokesta (nocturnal charas). I also like to have an introductory scene and an outro/cliffhanger scene that shows where the plot is headed next.

55 Of the characters you write for, which is your favorite? Has that choice been swayed at all by your followers/readers’ reactions to certain ones?

I absolutely adored writing Goupemon and Blightmon, the villains, back in Digimon Extend. And also Sketchmon, the comic relief. In Regulus Harbor, I love writing Gakkoros and Jokesta, the main uh... antagonistic force? And also comic relief kind of. But I also love writing Danny because he means a lot to me, he's one of my oldest OCs. And of course, my boy Itsuki. I think Jokesta is my fave to write. That has been amplified by my readers' reactions to my comedy scenes... apparently I'm good at writing random comedic characters!? Says a lot, huh. I wonder how I learned that. (Please watch Nichijou.) Usually my favorite characters to write are my audience's favorite characters. Can you guys tell I'm having a great time or...?

76 Did you have any ideas that didn’t make the final cut of [Fanfic Name]?

I know this one's for RH but I'll do it for Extend too. I had this mini-arc at the beginning of season 3 where Monmon and her three uh... former family members...? would be sent to different universes along with the protagonists. I don't remember why I wanted to do it. I also cancelled a lot of stuff season 2 was supposed to have - more Armor evolutions, more time for Iván to shine in his "evil self" (?) but halfway through I realized it was getting stale so I cut all filler and went straight to the endgame before Goupemon's return. Oh and also Goupemon was going to be semi-redeemed - Pandemmon was going to be the final boss. There was also going to be a meeting with the 02 cast full of mistranslation moments.

As for Regulus Harbor, it was originally going to have 14 Reached, and Lydia didn't exist until very late in "production". Before I came up with Fermi, she was supposed to have an unrequited crush on Danny, which is why she acts so weird around him in chapter 1, and why Fermi isn't there yet. I retconned this as Lydia just being really giddy about finding a new Reached with potential and not having to rely only on the children.

Regulus Harbor actually has... tons of scrapped ideas behind, mostly leftovers from when it was a... Spyro fanfic idea? Mixed with an AU with a small Digimon cameo? The original idea was a fangame-type story based on Spyro: A Hero's Tail with 14 player characters with different elemental powers. The 14+2 element symbols are here. You may recognize these symbols as they were used for a map in my game, 311. This was [REDACTED] believe I came up with it so long ago. The scrapped elemental powers are Rock (merged into Earth), Space, Qi (merged into Life), and Crystal (will appear not as an element but something else :3).

The AU thing had a cameo from Devimon... who absorbed the power of all Dark Gems in the world (this is a Spyro concept, there were 40 in the game + 150 in my story +10 more in the AU) AND this was the original idea for Gakkoros!!! YEAH. He would eventually become something like "the incarnation of darkness itself", called Darkuro back then. Again, YEAH. It was 2007... Also, a character based on Ophanimon, called Lishiro (later Ilendora) would try to purify him, and I kept changing Darkuro's redeemability. Deciding on a final veredict took me years, and so far I'm really happy with the result.

Ishmael was going to be a human, powerless incarnation of Gakkoros, trying to get his power back. RH was going to take place in New York in real life, only with humans, all of them coming from different places in the world. The cursed mirror idea is actually very old, from ~2010 probably.

Itsuki's inclusion in the story was extremely late, not decided until 2018-2019. An old OC named Nano, the oldest character of ALL of them, created around 2005, was going to be there instead. Nano's personality was divided into Panuk and Itsuki. Interestingly, you can see a door representing him in Someday's Meta-Nexus. All of the Meta-Nexus doors represent OCs from different stories in different universes, most of which I didn't write at all. Panuk's door is actually repurposed from Víctor's, from Digimon Extend. I've actually been thinking of replacing one of the doors with a new one for Víctor or Joaquín, since it was for a Homestuck OC... and I'm so over that phase :')

There are more unused ideas but I still have them around my head just in case I do use them.

Also, if you've read a11 of this, uh, yeah! Thanks! And you're welcome. ???