#writing hal for me is a delicate balance between wanting to punch him and wanting to give him a hug

[froizetta]

WIP Wednesday: Procrastination Edition

I told myself I'd work on (Love) Triangles this week, but instead I decided to impulsively write most of a borderline-crack superbatlantern fic. I guess that's just where my life is right now.

Excerpt below from the first scene, in which Hal and friends discuss their suspicion that Superman and Batman are fucking. (NB: It's just Hal, no-one else really believes this. (He's totally right though.))

“So what is up with them? They having another fight or something?”

“A ‘strategic disagreement’, Batman would probably say,” Barry said. “But yeah. A big fight, about plans for the upcoming mission. Superman was doing the whole paternalistic disapproval thing where he was really mad but trying not to act like it. And Batman was being all snarly and growly and throwing insults at him. It was, uh. A little more vicious than normal, maybe.”

“Yeah,” Hal agreed. “And they kind of looked like they wanted to kiss the whole time.”

Barry turned to him, mouth agape. “Dude.”

“What! I just say it like I see it! Is that so wrong?”

“You keep bringing it up! Why are you so obsessed with this?”

“I’m not obsessed,” he corrected with a frown. “Like sure, it’d be hot and all—” at this Barry made a face of mild revulsion “—but it’s not about what I want. I just don’t get how you don’t see it.” He looked consideringly between Ollie and Barry. “Maybe it’s just straight guys being oblivious? Dinah gets it.”

Barry, for reasons Hal couldn’t parse, looked deeply offended by this. Dinah just shrugged. “I mean, I guess I see it, yeah. Although maybe I’m biased? Bruce’s yelling-at-Superman voice sounds a lot like his sex voice.”

“Oh my god,” said Hal, delighted, just as Barry said the same thing with a tinge of horror. Which Hal didn’t get at all; this was fucking gold.

“I keep forgetting you actually slept with Spooky,” Hal went on, leaning forward conspiratorially. “What was it like? Let me guess: weird and intense, like everything else he does? Ooh! Did he try to suck your blood at any point, or is that something he saves for the fainting damsels he takes to his castle?”

She smiled. “Sorry, Hal. I can’t tell you or Ollie will get weird about it.”

“It’s fine, pretty bird,” said Ollie, “tell them whatever you like! As long as you also tell me later. Privately.” He waggled his eyebrows at her.

She jerked a thumb towards him. “See? Weird.”

“Aw, c’mon, Di! Look I’ll give you my cell number so you can just text it to me later. Ollie doesn’t have to know.”

“I definitely have to know,” Ollie corrected, eyebrows still waggling.

At that, Barry, who’d been looking increasingly uncomfortable throughout the whole conversation, finally snapped. “Ugh. What are we even talking about right now? Can we just move on, please?”

“Oh shit, Bar,” Hal said, “I’m sorry. I keep forgetting you’re a prude.”

“Jesus, Hal— It’s not prudish to not want to talk about our coworkers’ sex lives! Coworkers I respect. If anything, you guys are way too comfortable with it.”

Hal leaned back in his chair and shrugged. “I mean at this point, it’s not about the sex stuff for me so much as it’s a point of pride. They’re just so obviously horny for each other. I feel like everyone except Dinah is gaslighting me.”

“We’ve been over this, Hal,” Barry said tiredly. “People disagreeing with you isn’t gaslighting.”

“Whatever. Point is, I can’t move on with my life until I know for sure if I’m right or not.”

“You could, though, is the thing,” Barry said, now with an edge of desperation. “You could definitely move on. You could move on so easily.”

Ollie was watching this exchange with amusement. “So what, Hal, you wanna bet on it or something? Because I’d take those odds in a heartbeat.”

Hal snapped his fingers and threw him a triumphant grin. “Now you mention it? Yeah. A bet sounds like a great idea. You always have such great ideas. Have I ever told you you’re my favorite?”

Ollie grinned back. “Not often enough, I think.”

Dinah looked between them, frowning. “And how the hell are you ever gonna settle this either way? You’re gonna sneak up on Superman and Batman and catch them in the act? You?”

“What are you doubting me for?” Hal said, rising to his feet. “I’m the motherfucking Green Lantern. I’ll figure something out.” He held out his hand. “You’re on, Ollie. Fifty bucks says they’re doing the nasty on the reg.”

“Fifty?! That’s chump change. How about 500?”

Hal, who had $150 in his bank account last he checked, shrugged. “You can pay me that if I win, if that’s more interesting for you. But I’m still only paying you fifty if you win. We can’t all be billionaires.”

“Fine! Fifty,” Ollie said and clasped his hand in a firm handshake. “Actually, you know what? If it turns out they’re making out right now, I’ll actually give you that full 500 for free. How’s that?”

“This is so deeply inappropriate,” Barry muttered.