#wrasslers out here making me lose my mind

[hart-on-my-sleeve]

Gene: "You know your underwear is showing." Jake: *looks at his shirt and laughs* "You wanna see the real snake? No scales, I'm sorry." ;D

Jake: "You open their mouth, you run it down their throat, tell them to swallow - if they don't like the taste well that's too bad." THIS IS A FAMILY SHOW, JAKE???? JFSIOKAMDLSA????

*several... interesting gestures*

*so many snake dick jokes*

*SO MANY SNAKE DICK JOKES*

9 24 1986 TNT

[frankbelloriley]

top ten wrasslin’ matches of 2018

So before I get into this, I’m gonna lay down some ground rules--well, more like tell you the rules I gave myself and those rules are 1) did it make me laugh a bunch and forget about how stupid the world is? (which is the basis for every one of these kinds of lists really) 2) would I show this to someone who had never seen wrestling before? and 3) one (1) match per episode/pay-per-view with one (1) exception for a good reason With that in mind, I’m going to get some honorable mentions out of the way:

Kazuchika Okada vs Tetsuya Naito for the IWGP Heavyweight Championship, Kenny Omega vs Chris Jericho for the IWGP US Championship, and the Fatal Four Way for the IWGP Jr. Heavyweight Championship between Marty Scurll, KUSHIDA, Hiromu Takahashi, and Will Ospreay from Wrestle Kingdom 12-- they’re all really good and fun and worth checking out, but another Wrestle Kingdom 12 match is going on this list

The other two Chris Jericho NJPW matches versus Tetsuya Naito and EVIL--not on this list literally only due to the “one match per ppv” rule, but they’re all very fun, Chris Jericho is delightfully dickish and you should watch them in order to see Chris Jericho become a progressively more goth dad (he out gothed a dude named “EVIL” (all caps theirs, not mine) that’s how goth Chris Jericho got)

As much as it pains me and as much as it is a testament to what good wrestling there was in 2018, none of the Johnny Gargano-Tommaso Ciampa matches (1, 2, 3, which I can’t find online and whatever) are on this list (my favorite is probably their second match), and neither is Velveteen Dream-Tommaso Ciampa which rips (can I interest you in a fight between a Prince inspired wrassler who refers to himself in the third person and whose act became a giant subtweet of Hulk Hogan against just the biggest asshole in the world?). There is only one Johnny Gargano match on here, and if I’m writing a list of the best character arcs in 2018, the list goes Gargano’s redemption only to succumb to the dark side, Kazuchika Okada’s existential crisis after losing the championship, and Becky Lynch becoming The Man in that order. Becky’s arc really only started four-five months ago and much of it was spent by creative trying and utterly failing to get the crowd to boo her, and Okada’s arc was, by design, slow and frustrating after he lost the championship, but Gargano basically started the year as Luke Skywalker getting his hand cut off and ended the year as Kylo Ren yelling at a ghost on the salt planet, with every character turn making sense. It’s fascinating.

Speaking of, no Aleister Black-Johnny Gargano at NXT War Games 2 match which might be as pure a classic wrestling story as there is, second only to the Gargano match that is actually on here. (In real life, Aleister Black hurt his leg, so in story, they explained it that he got attacked in the parking lot by an unknown person, so the mystery of who attacked him would go on for months (coincidentally the same amount of time it would take someone to recover from an injury like Aleister Black’s) until Johnny Gargano fessed up to the act by kicking him in the face, so now Aleister is seeking justice. Wrestling is delightfully extra.

Becky Lynch vs. Charlotte Flair vs Asuka TLC match for the Smackdown Women’s Championship (no link, couldn’t find)-- whew (not “woo” in this house we boo the woo) Asuka was finally Asuka again (her first and last ppv matches in 2018 (this and against Charlotte at Wrestlemania) are super great and everything else is super not), Becky Lynch continued being the actual greatest, and I literally do not know how Charlotte Flair did not end up in the hospital after this. It’s not making the list for how the match ends in bullshit fashion even though it ends perfectly in character with consistent story logic (a pleasant fucking surprise from WWE especially considering, again, the rest of Asuka’s year)

None of the Shayna Baszler-Kairi Sane matches (can’t find NXT Takeover Brooklyn 4, but I found Evolution and NXT War Games II) (NXT was really good this year), which is a shame because all of which are great, but my personal favorite is on Evolution, and another match beats it out. As I’m writing out the list, I realized there aren’t a bunch of women’s matches, but that’s because WWE’s creative ideas for its women’s division was garbage until the Becky Lynch turn happened in August and got a crowd reaction they super didn’t want and tried to change until they were finally forced them to lean into it. However, Evolution was easily the best main roster WWE ppv.

Nothing from All In literally only because that show is for Wrestling Fans, and this list is supposed to be a “if you’ve never watched wrestling in your life” list. All In is good good fun, but if you show it to someone who’s never seen wrestling before, they’re gonna ask why are there dick druids, and you’re gonna have to explain that Joey Ryan, a dude who wrestles with his dick, came back to life after being murdered and the number one suspect was the guy from Arrow (really). Get into wrestling, then watch that PPV.

Good god, that’s a lot of honorable mentions. Anyway:

10. Seth Rollins vs. Kevin Owens, an open Intercontinental Championship Challenge on Monday Night RAW, August 27th - this is just a really fun wrestling match between two talented guys who were stuck in other feuds that were prolonged needlessly in 2018, and it was just fun to see these guys branch out, do something different, and tear the house down against each other like, “oh yeah, these two are really good at what they do, I almost forgot.”

9. Andrade Cien Almas vs. AJ Styles - Smackdown Live on September 18--Like Kevin Owens and Seth Rollins, AJ Styles was stuck in bad storylines that meant to make him look like a strong champion but ended up making him look like a plot armored goober. Here we have the story of the cocky upstart Almas taking the veteran champion Styles to his absolute limit with a finish that is smooth as hell.

8. Hiromu Takahashi vs. Will Ospreay, IWGP Jr. Heavyweight Championship at NJPW Dominion on June 9th - Spoiler for the number two entrant but this is where I’m breaking the “one per ppv rule” because Hiromu Takahashi has a broken neck and no one knows if he’ll ever wrestle again, so this might be his swan song. (He doesn’t break his neck in this match, I wouldn’t introduce him like that) These are two dudes who flip with zero caution to themselves with some incredible flippy shit. Watch it and pray for Hiromu to make a full recovery.

7. Six Man Ladder Match for the NXT North American Championship with Adam Cole, Ricochet, Velveteen Dream, EC3, Killian Dane, and Lars Sullivan - Okay, so, about this. Excepting Killian Dane and maybe Lars Sullivan, everyone here has had a better match elsewhere this year (Lars probably had a better match against Keith Lee, Adam Cole had his best match against Ricochet, Ricochet and EC3 had their best matches against Velveteen Dream, and Velveteen Dream had his best match against Tommaso Ciampa), but everyone gets a moment to shine here, and this is the NXT introduction of Ricochet who is basically a flippy videogame cheat code who is made out of some sort of alien substance. At one point the two large men Lars Sullivan and Killian Dane toss Ricochet across the ring to each other like they’re playing fucking catch. It’s hilarious and maybe the fifth most insane thing that happens here. If someone was to come up to me like, “I know nothing about wrestling, what should I watch to find out if I like it?” I would probably show them this.

6. Kenny Omega vs. Tomohiro Ishii,  G1 Tournament Match - I’m laughing just thinking about this match. I don’t think anyone would call Tomohiro Ishii the best wrestler in the world, but I love him with my heart. Kenny too, but a boyish giggle comes out of me every time Tomohiro no sells someone slapping the utter shit out of him and he says (presumably) something like “that it?!” (I’m a fan of this gif of Pete Dunne slapping a no-selling Tomohiro for Pete Dunne shaking his hand afterwards. Physical comedy!). Anyway, the story here is Kenny Omega has gone 6-0 in this tournament, Ishii (who he has a competitive history with) has gone 0-6 in the tournament, so Kenny takes him for granted and when he realizes his opponent won’t go down that easily, it’s too late. It’s quick, it’s fast paced, and very fun.

5. Meiko Satomura vs Mercedes Martinez, Mae Young Classic Quarterfinals - I had no idea who these women were before the Mae Young Classic, but I loved Meiko with her first match in it, while Mercedes was just, you know, fine. But this? Wheeew. Two veterans giving it their all, and if you don’t turn into a Michael Scott crying gif after when they show each other respect, we ain’t the same.

4. Johnny Gargano vs Andrade Cien Almas, NXT Takeover: Philadelphia -  Going with this one because it’s the most newbie friendly match, it kicks off Johnny Gargano’s year storyline at the finish, and Andrade Cien Almas is really really good at his job. It’s a simple “good guy versus arrogant heel” match, and Andrade comes out to a masked mariachi band as his entrance.

3. Kota Ibushi vs Cody Rhodes, Wrestle Kingdom 12 - there are probably better matches from Wrestle Kingdom 12 but this is my list so fuck you but this is the match where pro wrestling finally clicked with me after starting to watch it because of GLOW. Folks, this is a 20 minute Jackie Chan fight with Kota as the daffy Jackie Chan-like hero and Cody as Anime Biff Tannen. It is fast, has some wild acrobatics, and it is funny as hell.

2. Kazuchika Okada vs Kenny Omega, 2/3 Falls Match for the IWGP Heavyweight Championship (Part 1, Part 2), NJPW Dominion on June 9th - If the last one was a comedy, this is an epic. This thing last an hour and a half, and it goes by in a flash. The entire Okada-Omega series is basically wrestling’s Lord of the Rings, and this is its Return of the King. The only reason it’s not number one because of the match’s lack of follow through in the months since, but man, this is great.

1. Becky Lynch vs Charlotte Flair, Last Woman Standing Match at Evolution (start at 29:45 then watch the end here)- *types then deletes a bunch of unintelligible vowels* Okay, so this is the first match that really took advantage of the NXT Horsewomen since their call up in a good long while and it rules. I’d say Bayley, Sasha Banks, Charlotte Flair, and Becky Lynch had been given nothing for 2018 until August, but “nothing” would be a step up in some cases *cough* group therapy *cough* *cough* Nia Jax injuring every single one of them plus others and the only reason she still has a job is that she’s The Rock’s cousin *cough* Charlotte had her Wrestlemania match against Asuka, but this? This is mean, this is rough, this is the story of a girl, no this is the story of two former friends wanting to throw the other through a table. When pro wrestling is bad, it’s “what the fuck am I doing with my life watching this shit” bad, and when it’s good, there is nothing like it. This is the latter (not the ladder, but there are those here).