#wow usually I am Not Great at more ~subtle~ body language but here we are

[julie-and-the-himbo-ghosts]

When I watched jatp for the first time (and a few others after that lol) I didn’t notice that Julie didn’t sing as much with Luke during Edge of Great until someone made a post about it and now I’m watching it while listening to the soundtrack on yt even tho I should totally be working and like woah this actually has a lot of depth while they’re really just singing???

Let me explain.

So Flynn tells Julie to tone down all the heart eyes while they’re playing before Edge of Great right and we can see she is obviously trying to do that (probably bc of the whole “I just had a whole daydream of dancing with my ghost crush to a love song I just came up with while supposed to be dancing with my dance partner” thing, but that’s a whole nother post) bc she’s rocking out with the crowd more than usual and Luke less than usually, etc. But like. The amount of emotion and interaction they do while just performing and all about this one thing Flynn said is amazing

So after after she rocks out with Reggie a little bit (and even has a little moment with Alex), you can see Luke kinda move towards her like he wants to do their mic sharing thingy right after the line “this moment is ours to own” but she turns away from him and vibes with the crowd more and you can literally see him stop moving forward, go back to his mic all sad bc why did Julie rock out with Reggie and then Alex but then ignore him?? And he sends Alex a little ? look before going back to normal singing, but he still looks a little sad and he shoots julie a bit of a confused sad look too before getting back into the song

(Sorry for the bad quality this is all on my phone and yt oof)

And then when he gets his solo bit and Julie goes to vibe with Reggie again he gives her The Look that I’m sure has been giffed many times

And they lock eyes and it’s kinda hard to see and a bit obscured by her hair, but you can see Julie giving him a similar look

And THEN while they’re staring at each other dead in the eyes, Luke does a little headshake thing which is him saying “hey hey come sing with me pls? 🥺” in like the most obvious way he knows and Julie’s face goes from sad pining to like kinda strained, trying-not-to-express-my m-true-emotions smile and she turns back to the crowd fairly quickly and she has this rather forced looking smile (it goes back to normal pretty quickly once she vibes with the crowd more but still)

And a little bit after this, at the “I believe, I believe that we’re just one dream / away from who we’re meant to be” part, Reggie comes over to sing in the mic with Luke but Luke just doesn’t move over (which is pretty ooc for him as we know) and Reggie gives him this look like “hey did you wanna sing together?” and he responds with the sad face and Reggie (I love him your honour) goes back to his mic like he understands that Luke doesn’t wanna do some mic sharing atm and maybe even why even tho this is so weird for Luke to do

Not to make a lot of of nothing but that’s pretty telling about Luke bc we always see him go over to Reggie or Julie or he beckons them over to him during every single performance afaik, so him rejecting mic sharing with Reggie while trying (and failing) to mic share with Julie several times throughout the song goes to show that hes not just sad bc he wants to share the mic with anyone then, he wanted to share it with Julie specifically, and her avoiding him made him hurt and not in the mood to do one of his favourite things (the same thing actually) with his best friend, which kinda implies that he thinks of Julie as more than just a friend (“we say we’re friends / we play pretend” parallels anyone?) And all of that gives me so many juke feels for such a small moment wow

And then it’s that thing where Reggie and Alex stop playing and it’s just Julie’s voice and Luke’s guitar (yknow that guitar bit that’s not included in the studio soundtrack) and when he walks up to Julie on the piano he has his real sad/maybe a bit confused/and maybe cautious in a way (?) smile while he plays the chords

But then Julie leans in kinda and gives him one of her smiles so he does too and he starts smiling this like puppy dog “okay we’re good now” hopeful smile

And so he leans in a little bit more to sing in her mic I think (boy does not stop trying ill give him that) bc he sings for the next line, so obviously he needs a mic right? But Julie stands up really quickly, a big “not in my microphone, Lucas,” and he walks back to his mic while he’s singing the lines “something big, something crazy / our best days are yet unknown” with Reggie and Alex, which is something I’ve never seen (or noticed, at least) him do bc he is always in front of a mic istg. He might have another sad 🥺 face again but I’m not really sure bc we get one small not very great shot where he kinda looks sad and like he’s pouring his sadness into his singing before the cameras moves to Julie and when we see him again he’s back in the vibe of the song

And then the bit when Alex and Reggie poof out. I think Luke was supposed to poof out then too and Julie was supposed to finish solo but he stayed so he could finally get his mic singing with Julie. One bc once Reggie and Alex stop playing and poof out, he stops playing too and lets his guitar hang by the strap while he walks over to Julie’s bench instead of poofing out. And when he sits down, right before singing and right after starting to sing, he has this hopeful, cautious (but in a soft way yknow?) expression. And then the other reason is that when you watch the video several times and at .75x and .5x speeds, you can see Julie startle just a little bit when he starts singing, as if she wasn’t expecting him to be there. But then she starts smiling, kinda like she wanted to sing with him and do their Thing the whole time, but she wouldn’t let herself so she could try and prove a point to Flynn, but then finally realized that she liked singing with Luke. And when she smiles, Luke smiles, and we get the soft end of Edge of Great duet, arguably one of the most iconic juke moments

Finally, all throughout the performance for the whole “she wanted to do the Thing with Luke but wouldn’t let herself to try and fail to prove a point to Flynn” thing: throughout the performance you can see her go all around the stage, like near the crowd, next to Reggie, close(ish) to Alex, on top of her piano, but she practically avoids Luke’s side of the stage completely, never going near him or even getting up close to the crowd past the middle.

Oh hecc this turned out WAY longer than I meant it to be but yeah. All of this is just like a “holy shit this is some amazing writing” moment for me, we stan Kenny Ortega and Nora Sullivan on this blog y’all

[chudleycanonficfest]

Dancing Around You

Day 31, Post #2 by @adenei

Title: Dancing Around You

Author: adenei

Pairing: James x Lily

Prompt: First Date

Rating: T 

TW: Some language and mentions of past abuse.

a/n: inspired by the scene in In The Heights when Vanessa and Usnavi go to the club.

*****************

I walk into the corner shop in my neighborhood and see James, Remus and Sirius talking by the counter. The scene causes more annoyance to course through me, which probably stems from the shit mood I’m already in. James and Sirius are supposed to be working, since this is their job. And why isn’t Remus at the broadcast station across the street at his own job?

So what if James owned the shop after it was left to him when his parents passed? Work is still work, and he shouldn’t be skiving off while on shift. I’ve busted my arse day in and day out for the last three years so I could save up to rent a flat in Camden to pursue a career as an interior designer. Moving out of Peckham to a more centralized location will help put me on the map as a well sought after designer.

But that was all for nothing. I’ve just returned from my meeting with the realtor, and despite having enough rent saved up for a whole year, plus the security deposit, he waved me off as if I belonged in the slums! The twat said I needed someone to co-sign a lease with me. Tears sting my eyes as I’m reminded once again of how alone I am. Having walked out at seventeen to escape my parents’ emotional abuse for the last seven years, I had no one to turn to despite the close-knit neighborhood I lived in because this was a secret goal that no one knew about.

I’m sure Marlene’s mum would be more than happy to co-sign a lease with me, but I couldn’t ask that of her. Not when she’s done so much for me already. No, I just need to hold my head high and keep moving forward. I put on my business face and strengthen my resolve, so the boys don’t suspect anything out of the ordinary.

Walking over to the fridge, I grab a Fanta and a Coke for Mrs. McKinnon. When I left the office earlier for my appointment, she asked me to bring one back. Now, I have to return to my job as her secretary at her own Real Estate office and try not to resent every client who walks in the door. When I shut the refrigerator door and turn to head to the register, I see James leaning against the glass of another fridge door.

When the hell did he creep up on me?

“Evans, how’s it going?”

“It’s been better.”

“Anything I can do to help?”

For a moment, I think about letting him in. I open my mouth to say something, but change my mind at the last second.

“You wish.”

“Right, well, what are you doing tomorrow?”

Narrowing my eyes, I observe James. We’ve been friends for years, and it’s a friendship I cherish more than anything. He’s always been there to make me laugh, to match my sarcasm and wit, and he’s never been afraid to go toe-to-toe with me. I know him well, almost as well as I know myself, but I’m not expecting his question or the butterflies that flutter in my stomach in response.

I’d be lying if I said he wasn’t attractive. His perpetual bedhead, black hair and piercing yet kind hazel eyes have always stood out to me. It’s no secret that he’s fit from lifting boxes all day and playing on a club football team in his free time. But I’ve never allowed myself to think there could be anything more between us besides friendship.

So, why does it feel like he’s asking me out? Am I misreading the signs? I decide to keep the ball in his court to get a better read on his intentions.

“I’m going dancing with Marlene and Mary,” I reply, keeping my voice cool and collected.

“Oh, sounds like fun.” He glances down at the bottles in my hands. “All set, then?”

I nod, and If I’m not mistaken, his shoulders slump as he turns to head back to the counter. Should I have invited him and the guys to join us? Before I can ponder it further, Sirius cuts me off and pushes me back into the aisle.

“You and the girls are going dancing? That sounds like fun. I’d bet my buddy over there would love to join you.” He raises his eyebrows as if willing me to catch his subtle hint, which I do.

“Wait, was James just trying to ask me out tomorrow?”

Sirius shrugs. “Probably, but you two have been friends forever, and despite his smooth-talking with most females, he seems to get tongue-tied around you.”

A burst of laughter bubbles out of me. “James? Tongue-tied? Around me? What are you smoking?”

“Nothing, Evans. Just pointing out a fact.”

Fine, if Sirius is going to pester me about this, I will prove him wrong. I brush past him toward James so I can pay for the drinks and be on my way. Sliding a couple pounds to James over the counter, I smirk at him.

“You know, Potter, I could use a dancing partner tomorrow night. Pick me up at eight?”

His head snaps up, and he looks shocked before a goofy smile replaces the surprise on his face. “Er, yeah, alright. I mean, if you’re sure—”

Cutting him off, I put him out of his misery. “Great, see you then.”

The following evening, we’re walking into Alohomora, the most popular nightclub in Peckham. My friends and I frequent the club at least once a month. I love its mix of neons glowing amongst the blacklights and the worn leather benches framing the booths around the perimeter of the dance floor. It’s come to feel like a second home to me.

Dancing is an outlet for my frustrations. I love letting the music consume my soul as the loud thumps of the bass vibrate through my body as I spin on the floor. Tonight will be no different, except that James is with me. As my date. At least, I think he’s my date. Neither of us have actually talked about what this is.

“Wow, I haven’t been here in ages. Have they changed the layout recently?” James asks.

“Not that I can recall,” I wave his question off as I hear a number of people shout my name in greeting.

“I didn’t realize how popular you were here, Evans. I’m impressed.”

“Impressed by what? It shouldn’t come as a surprise that I have more friends than you three. I hope that doesn’t make you jealous.” My playful banter is accompanied by a smirk as James laughs.

“Me? Jealous? Of course not. Care for a drink first?”

“Sure.”

Usually, I’d prefer to dance a bit first, but I don’t want to drag James onto the dance floor if he doesn’t want to. I’m not even sure if he enjoys dancing since I’ve never seen him here before. He’s flagging down the bartender when someone calls to me.

“Lily! Hey, Lily!” Terry Fawcett is pushing his way through the crowded dance floor. “Wanna dance?”

He holds out his hand when he reaches me, but I shake my head.

“Sorry, Ter, I’m here with someone else tonight.”

James turns as he overhears the interaction and waves me on. He contorts his face in a weird, ‘trying to be chill, but still looks sort of pained’ way.

“It’s alright, Evans, go ahead.”

I’m taken aback. Maybe we really weren’t on a date. “But—are you sure?”

“Yeah, just save one for me later.”

“Oh, well, alright.”

My hand falls into Terry’s even though I’m not certain I want to dance with him. There’s an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach that I’m not used to as I walk away from James. It’s ridiculous, but I think I’m actually disappointed that James passed me off so easily. And I’m just as mad at Sirius for even putting the thought that James might fancy me in my head because it’s all I’ve been able to think about since yesterday afternoon.

Well, there’s only one way to find out once and for all if he cares. Make him jealous.

I dance as I’ve never danced before when the music changes to an upbeat Latin tune. I spin around the floor, dancing with Terry before I’m passed off to other men that I’ve danced with once or twice in the past. It takes everything in my power to not steal glances at James, but I do catch when his baffled look turns dark as he begins to scowl at the men who are practically lined up to dance with me.

By the time he does walk out to the dance floor to cut in, I’m exhausted. He pulls me into his arms, but I’m still annoyed that he’s waited this long.

“Potter, I need a break.”

I pull away from him and walk toward the bar, where Sirius holds two drinks in his hands. I grab one and slam it down, shoving the glass into his chest once it’s empty. Then, I turn and head for the exit to get some air. It’s much quieter on the street, save for the ambient sounds of traffic in the background, a stark contrast to inside the club. I lean against the wall as I catch my breath and watch the cars go by.

The door to the club opens, and the music splits the night air as James steps out.

“Evans, what the hell was that?”

“What was what?” I ask, feigning ignorance.

What? Is he angry? Good. Let him be angry.

“You! You ask me to come with you, spend all night dancing with other blokes, and then when I try to cut in, you ditch me.”

A derisive bark escapes my lips as I push off the wall and step closer to him, matching his stance.

“Don’t you dare try to blame this on me, Potter. You’re the one who pushed me away! I would have been perfectly happy dancing with you all night, but no, you sat back and watched as I danced with everyone else.”

“Well, what was I supposed to do!?”

He can’t be serious right now, playing the victim and passing this onto me. There’s no way I’m letting him get away with this. I step even closer, thankful that my heels bring me closer to eye level with him, so it’s more of an even match.

“I don’t know, put your arm around me and tell the bloke to fuck off? That I’m taken?”

“Are you taken?”

“I don’t know, am I?”

Our breathing is heavy, chests heaving as our noses are a hair’s width apart. All I can focus on is the intensity in his eyes, the gold flecks burning like the flames in a fire. I wait for him to say something, or do something, anything except stare at me. I give him more than enough time, and he doesn’t make a move, so I decide that I’m done.

As much as I don’t want to, I break eye contact and turn away. I’m not in the mood to stay out, so I begin the walk home. James and I are friends, and that’s all we’ll ever be, but that doesn’t stop me from cursing Sirius for putting the thought that we could be more in my head. Because now that I’ve accepted the thought, I’m not sure I want to stay friends. But it’s clear now, this wasn’t meant to be anything special, and I was stupid for thinking it could be.

[legobiwan]

TCW Recap: “The Gungan General” (S1, E11)

I HAVE A LOT TO SAY ABOUT THIS EPISODE AND 90% OF IT IS ABOUT OBI-WAN AND DOOKU. THIS IS GOING TO BE *LONG*, PEOPLE.

Hondo would disagree, I think.

Speaking of whom... Narrator guy: “...the brigand, Hondo Ohnaka.” This is great. Brigand. Hondo would love it. 

And now what might be one of the greatest scenes of denial/rationalization in all of Star Wars, and I’m including Obi-wan’s infamous equivocation when it came to telling Luke about his father:

These guys are a mess. 

Come ON, Kenobi. (And you, too, Anakin.) I mean, honestly. “wE WeRe DruGGed, OhhhBvIouSlY.” Please, we all saw you chug that pirate drink, Kenobes. At least Anakin actually only took a sip.

I feel like this incident was kind of formative for Anakin. This won’t be the first time this episode we see Anakin’s Sith incarnation quote Obi-wan.

But you know what the absolute best part about this entire scene is? Dooku has been watching this go down the entire time. I MEAN. First of all, how did they get Obi-wan and Anakin tethered to Dooku, who would probably have rather swallowed his lightsaber than be in the same room as Anakin. But then he sits there, watches the last of his Lineage passed out on a floor and denying anything had happened? AMAZING. 

CAN WE PLEASE NOTE the first thing Dooku says, the very first words out of his mouth are this:

The first thing Dooku does is praise Obi-wan for being smart. And he calls him “Master Kenobi.” I have always been fascinated by Dooku’s predilection for calling Obi-wan by his formal title, because he certainly doesn’t do the same for Anakin (who Dooku usually refers to as “Skywalker” or some other demeaning, generalized noun.) I think (I would need to check again), but I think Dooku only calls Obi-wan by his first name in AotC, when he’s trying to play shared love of Qui-gon card on Geonosis. Sometimes he’ll refer to him just as “Kenobi,” but very often, and usually when Dooku is saying something complimentary to him, Dooku will use that moniker. It’s fascinating. The way these two are framed - the blocking - this episode is also telling and I’m going to point it out, because I feel like the animators went out of their way to show Obi-wan and Dooku together, and that, at times, Obi-wan was deferring and conferring with Dooku as much as Anakin. Which...so. much. to. read. into. that.

Oh yeah, and Dooku’s wonderful meditation pose here. He was meditating. I love it! That pose will come back later in this review. 

Okay, so I’ve mentioned this before, but the way they are tethered. Dooku to Obi-wan to Anakin. In perfect lineage order, Obi-wan the linchpin between the two sides.

Bless Hondo and his mother. 

You know what I find funny? The turncoat pirate, whatever-his-name-was thinks it’s going to be so easy to pull one over on Hondo. Hondo, who somehow captured two of the most accomplished Jedi in the Order and a Sith Lord. Who knows what a Sith Lord is. Who knows what a lightsaber is (laser-sword.) Hondo plays dumb and fast-and-loose because he can. He expects his men to turn on him and knows he’ll deal with it. Smart man. His mother was smart, too. Also, he is hilarious I love Hondo so much. 

So Palpatine sent Jar Jar on this mission so it would fail, right? At least, that would be his reasoning. But! Jar Jar was super-competent this episode! (More on that later. I am part of the Jar Jar Defense Squad, I have to admit.)

Plus, Jar Jar’s antics just make me laugh. 

Here’s a question. Those binders our trio had. They’re Force-suppressing, at least a little bit, right? They have to be, otherwise, there’s no way Dooku would be wasting his time levitating a knife off a plate to jimmy the cell door.

Now, I love the whole exchange here: Dooku: “Do control your protégé’s insolence so I can concentrate.” Obi-wan: “Anakin!” Anakin: “What?” Obi-wan: “Control your insolence. The Count is concentrating.”

This is great for about five different reasons. One, Dooku always addresses Obi-wan and Obi-wan only, never Anakin, unless it’s a retort to something Anakin said. The term protégé is also funny. I don’t know, it’s just very Dooku language. Now, mind you, Dooku doesn’t know Obi-wan all that well. They met on Geonosis, Qui-gon may or may not have told stories about Dooku to Obi-wan (my guess is that Qui-gon didn’t, given their contentious relationship when Obi-wan was a Padawan). So this is really the first time Dooku is getting to learn just who Obi-wan is, and Obi-wan is responding with some first-class snark. And the two of them low-key snark each other the rest of the episode. There’s an almost-playfulness to the exchanges between Obi-wan and Dooku (as opposed to Anakin and Dooku who just want to rip each other’s throats out) and you have to wonder what is going through both their heads at this point.

Dooku: “Well done, if I do say so myself.” (you asshole, Dooku) Obi-wan: (snark)

Anakin out there having PTSD from being chained to a Sith Lord and watching his Master low-key banter with his Dark Side Grandmaster 30-something years later.

 Yikes, they killed off two pilots and a Senator in that crash?

Okay, the whole deal with “Do we know where we’re going?” Anakin absolutely cannot ask that question of Dooku because Dooku will tear him a new one. Obi-wan, however, not only can get away with it, but get some semblance of an answer out of Dooku. These two, I SWEAR.

I don’t know, this screencap just amused me.

Getting back to blocking. Check this out:

Anakin gets the keycard while Obi-wan listens to Dooku. This is telling and it happens more than once. 

Again with the blocking. Again with Obi-wan getting away with sassing the hell out of Dooku. Also, Dooku’s claim of “Of course it’s safe?” Did this man train Qui-gon Jinn, or what? Honestly.

“I don’t want to kill you, per se.” Oh, Hondo. “You seem like decent fellows, even you Count.” Interesting observation and Hondo’s not wrong - at this point, at least. Hondo is observant. He knows what a Sith can do. Dooku could do serious damage and he’s controlling himself here and Hondo, I think, notices. 

And then after Hondo leaves? Obi-wan addresses Dooku first.

hmmmmm

Interesting that they bury Senator Kharrus on Florrum and don’t try to bring the body back when they do make a deal of bringing back the bodies of slain Jedi to Coruscant. 

THIS PART

They way Dooku is in this shot, almost observing like he’s some kind of teacher. They way Dooku turns Obi-wan’s own words on him with the “most impressive” bit. Poor Anakin must really be confused as to what was going on there, because a) he wasn’t part of this subtle banter and b) Obi-wan is bantering with a Sith Lord who happens to be Obi-wan’s Grandmaster and there’s a lot more connection between those two than between Anakin and Dooku. 

Competent!JarJar!!!!

The framing, again. You know, in recounting this, it kind of strikes me how much this is an episode about Dooku and Obi-wan, with Anakin being kind of an afterthought. 

I have to talk about this little moment. When Dooku says he would kill them both if he didn’t have to drag their bodies. Look real closely at Dooku and Obi-wan here.

That little movement at the end. Dooku actually gives Obi-wan a little shove! Not to hurt him, but probably to get back at him for the way Obi-wan pushed him behind some crates by the shoulder earlier. These two are having a constant, very very subtle confrontation throughout this episode, each one answering the other in a mirror. And Anakin is just *super* confused. I mean, wow, are Dooku and Obi-wan a mirror of each other or what? 

FRAMING ALERT

And then this. Obi-wan saves Dooku. I’ve already gone on about this at length elsewhere but the symbolism of Dooku’s tether breaking, Obi-wan reaching out, the way they are inverted, the way it could be implied that either Obi-wan could pull Dooku up or drag Obi-wan down, that Anakin could destroy them all if he let go (what?!?), the gap between Obi-wan and Dooku where Qui-gon should have been. This is one of my favorite bits of subtle symbolism in the series. SO. GOOD.

Okay, this is the last bit we get with Dooku and Obi-wan interacting, so I should be wrapping this up soon, hahahaha. Things to note here. Dooku is always angled towards Obes, the body language says everything. Obi-wan is meditating in a position that mirrors Dooku’s from the opening, and Anakin is not. The entire rest of this scene you have to wonder if there’s some kind of Force communication going on between those two. And in the last screengrab, it almost looks like Dooku doesn’t want Obes to leave. They have a bizarre, twisted relationship and I. LOVE. IT. (plus, that was kind of a Dooku-ish line there, Kenobi.)

*adopts Hermione Granger voice* EXCUSE ME, DISNEY, IT’S BOMBAD clankens! Don’t be doing by boy Jar Jar wrong here.

You know that’s right. I am fully convinced Jar Jar didn’t actually slip when he took control of that tank. While Jar Jar is clumsy, he also uses that to his advantage sometimes. A little bit like Hondo plays the fool. 

I love the fact Hondo is just like, well, “I guess we have to torture them now.” It’s so random, hilarious, and over-the-top.

Oh, Hondo.

Ah, now that Obi-wan is gone Dooku can let loose and kill people. How much do you want to bet he was reigning in his impulses because Obi-wan was around and he still entertained the notion of getting Kenobi to his side? Because I think so. 

No more Kenobi = time to murder someone brutally.

It’s nice to see Dooku flying his own ship for once, instead of hailing the droid Uber. He’s not only a good swordfighter, but I imagine a pretty good pilot and fond of racing in his younger days, if I’m remembering Jedi Lost correctly. 

AND FINALLY. This is why Hondo loves Obi-wan. Ha! Yeah, we’ll let you go Hondo, but Dooku knows where you live. 

I love this man.

[avauntus]

Supernatural - a retrospective

This is super self-indulgent, and I have so much else I’ve promised-- I owe a long-fic rec post, and ao3 comments, wip work, and that’s just my fandom stuff I’m behind on. *sigh*

But it’s late on a Saturday and now I’ve finished Supernatural, I want to share what I think are my top few eps, and a few other comments. I promise some of this will be different from the “greatest hits” you probably usually see, and I’ll try to make it worth your time. *wry smile*

Look, we have to have categories like: “Most Likely to Live in My Head Rent-Free for the Rest of my Life” and “Most Likely to Inspire Unnecessary Fanfiction” that are different from “Favorites,” because that’s just the cursed energy this show has. ;-)

My top five

#5 - 13.01 - “Lost and Found”

Written by: Andrew Dabb | Directed by: Phil Sgriccia

In fandom, this is most often referred to as the start of the “Grieving Widower” arc, tongue-in-cheek. Also has Alexander Calvert (Jack) walking around completely in the nude for the first third of the ep. (Neither of these are why this is in my top 5, but he has a good story about wardrobe for his ‘first day.’) 

I didn’t expect much out of this episode the first time I watched it, but I’ve gone over this ‘section’ of the show maybe 3-4 times in my Netflix catch-up, and I watch this one in full every time. From Jack being...not at all what anyone expected and an unsteady vindication, to the stunning cinematography (there’s a post that compares shots to Brokeback Mountain, but I think the shots here might be better), to the sheriff who takes the time to remind her deputy that “...there’s no such thing as ‘weird.’ Everyone’s normal in their own way,” to the slow reveal of exactly how hard the events of the previous night (12x23 - All Along the Watchtower) are hitting Dean and Sam and in different ways...(how long the episode takes to reveal to you how Dean fucked up his hand, and what he was saying when he did. Augh!) The Winchesters are trying to rally, but they have been taking hits for a long time, and the cracks are showing.

 #4 - 15.06 - “Golden Time”

Written by: Meredith Glynn | Directed by: John F. Showalter

Supernatural  has a terrible track record with representation in all stripes. It is infamously consistent in killing off anyone minority, female, or non-White. One of the interesting things about the chaotic meta-narrative of season 15 is you can see the lack of fucks some of the writer’s room had to give about not even being subtle about tearing down that type of ‘White-male-hero-journey” now that they were in a literal “what will they do, fire me?” situation.

I’m a Cas fan, and this episode, which gives him an actual, ‘case-of-the-week’ hunter’s narrative where he gets to save the day on his own, successfully, was wonderful. I love that for him! But more than that, for me, this episode is emotional to me for other reasons-- the way Dean and Cas circle around each other on their angry phone call (with the body language! They are broadcasting so LOUD and neither can see because they’re on the phone!), Sam’s story here, where he’s inheriting things from Rowena that allow him in turn to save Eileen, to Cas’ speech and quick anger at the lake when you reflect on his entire journey of self-realization from a soldier of blind faith to an agent of free will... “You selfish little men in your positions of authority...” I just... *clears throat, grabs tissue* 

#3 -  6.20 - “The Man Who Would Be King”

Written & Directed by: Ben Edlund

Speaking of Cas’ journey... I know some folks don’t like the angst and drama of the ‘Heaven and Hell’ plots of Supernatural, but I am here for it. Oh, did we need another reason to include this episode? This has some of the most metal quotes I have heard from any TV show. Ever.

I mean, look at this:

“If I knew then what I know now, I would have said: Freedom is a length of rope. God wants you to hang yourself with it.”

“Explaining freedom to angels is a bit like explaining poetry to fish.”

The delivery of: “It's not too late. Damn it, Cas! We can fix this!” “Dean, it’s not broken!” is one of those Supernatural bits that will live in my head until the end of time. All of Edlund’s episodes are among my favorites, but this (along with “5.04 - The End”) was on another level. 

#2 - 5.16 - “Dark Side of the Moon”

Written by: Andrew Dabb & Daniel Loflin | Directed by: Jeff Wollnough

I think of this episode every time  I hear Bob Dylan sing “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door.” This is kinda a giant montage episode, but the connecting concepts are so...satisfying. 

“Heaven is your favorite memories.” “ It’s called the axis mundi. It’s a path that runs through heaven. Different people see it as different things. For you, it’s two-lane asphalt.” “This is your idea of heaven? Wow, this was one of the worst nights of my life.” “I don’t think I realized how long you’ve been cleaning up Dad’s messes.” “It’s awesome to finally have an application��a practical application—for string theory.” “Everyone leaves you, Dean. You noticed?” “Why is God talking to me? Gardner-to-gardener, and between us, I think he gets lonely.” “You son of a bitch, I believed in... ” Whoosh.

#1 - 4.01 - “Lazarus Rising”

Written by: Eric Kripke | Directed by: Kim Manners

So...this is the episode where Castiel, angel of thee Lord, shows up. And that’s primarily why it earns the no. 1 spot, because 80% of my enjoyment of Supernatural from this point on was Cas-adjacent. Plus this entire episode just hits. ALL OF IT. Dean’s homecoming. Ruby, my darling. Bobby’s entire vibe. Pamela Barnes, easily one of the most interesting women Supernatural ever introduced. Cas being so hot to say “Hi” to Dean he forgets he wounds people. 

But beyond that-- the way the show writes their ‘oh, by the way, angels’ narrative! If you haven’t seen this episode, would you believe me if I told you that THIS EPISODE, the episode where Supernatural said “canonically, Judeo-Christian Heaven is real, btw” involves no churches but does involve a séance, a soulmark handprint brand, and a himbo angel that “gripped you tight and raised you from Perdition”...but they were all “no homo, guys” for years?

Truly no one was out here doing it like Supernatural even back in 2008.

Others--

15.18 - “Despair” 

“Most Likely to Live Rent-Free in My Head for the Rest of my Life”

Written by: Robert Berens | Directed by: Richard Speight, Jr.

You know why this episode is here. It broke reality. I could be wrong-- but I’d put good money on this episode being the subject of academic theses in the future. That doesn’t automatically make for interesting story, but...

Has there ever been a case, in a mainstream US TV show where a major lead character (Cas) came out as queer so late in the game in a narratively-important way? I’m not aware of it, but I might just be behind on my television.

This episode has great writing, and (blessedly) amazing direction and blocking anyway. Check out the above gif - that is some next level foreshadowing going on in the cinematography, and this isn’t even the most remarked upon shot in this episode. (Seriously, I had to search for 40 minutes for this gif, please respect my game, lol.) Everyone who was involved in 15x18 is giddy talking about their investment, from the costume designer to the actors to the director to the writer...

...And then a bunch of them steadfastly have avoided posting much Supernatural-related since. So that’s...loud. There is a bunch of subtext in this episode that is screamingly loud; there is a bunch of text in this episode that makes several things clear fandom has been chattering over for years and years. The meta-commentary around this episode continues, months later. There are over 700 fics on AO3 with this episode tag.

I have more to say about the themes of ‘free will’ and ‘love’ and ‘identity’ tied to this episode, but seriously-- you’ve probably read 17 versions of it on Tumblr already, so.

This is the last time we see Cas, and the last time Supernatural can claim anything close to narrative consistency. For that alone, it’d earn free head-space.

Runners-up: “4.20 - The Rapture”; “5.04 - The End”; “7.21 - Reading is Fundamental”; “8.21 - The Great Escapist”; “9.06 - Heaven Can’t Wait”; “12.19 - The Future”; “14.08 - Byzantium”

6.17 - “My Heart Will Go On”/8.07 - “A Little Slice of Kevin”

“Most Likely to Inspire Unnecessary Fanfiction”

Written by: Eric Charmelo & Nicole Snyder (6.17); Brad Buckner & Eugenie Ross-Leming | Directed by: Phil Sgriccia (6.17); Charlie Carner (8.07)

Usually the show kills off it’s “one-episode” female characters, but do you know one time it didn’t? When the Moirai (the Fates - specifically Atropos, the shearer of the Threads of Fate) showed up in canon in 6.17. She was posited to have “two older sisters that were bigger than her- in every sense of the word,” ...and Castiel had to back down when she challenged him to a cosmic game of chicken over the Winchester’s lives.

Then they never returned to that idea again. 

“A Little Slice of Kevin” is on here for the opposite reason -- an amazing idea that was really underwritten in the episode it showed up in. Dean Winchester has been dragging himself across the fabric of universes; the literal Word of God is in play in a warehouse in Middle America; Cas is back from Purgatory, but what does that mean, micro and macro? As a person on the street, what would it mean, or feel like, to learn you were a Prophet of the Lord, uncalled? That what you are, everything you are, is a cosmic contingency?

Maybe Fate has an opinion on all these shenanigans?

Perhaps all that doesn’t make sense, but it certainly made an impression on ~2012 me. To this day, it remains the WIP I can open up and fool myself with the ‘twist.’ I wish I remembered where I was going with it so I could finish it.

Runners Up: “2.20 - What Is and What Should Never Be”; “5.04 - The End”; “6.15 - The French Mistake”; 12.12 - “Stuck in the Middle (with you)”; “13.05 - Advanced Thanatology” “14.03 - The Scar”; “14.10 - Nihilism”; “15.15 - Gimme Shelter” ... and “15.20 - Carry On” (obviously)

Fifteen seasons. There were plenty of other episodes I loved that didn’t make these limited lists. But overall -- thank you, Supernatural, for the run. Even if I’m upset at the ending, I can appreciate the game. If you watch the show, what were your favorite episodes?

[meta-squash]

A ramble on Dallas Theater Center Les Miserables

So, 5 years late, I jumped back on the bandwagon and finally watched a bootleg of Dallas Theater Center’s 2014 production of Les Miserables.

And wow. I can’t believe I waited 5 damn years to watch it. So here’s a long rambling write up on it based on the live-tweeting I was doing as I watched (and a little bit on me skipping through the bootleg video right now). It’s partly just me summarizing scenes so I can nerd out about the little details I loved and towards the end me talking about the show as a whole and why it was so fucking important.

First of all I wanna say that I'm surprised it took this long for a professional theater company to do a "modern day" Les Mis. I know all the fans fucking love their Modern AUs fics, I've been reading them since like 2012 and I love them. But also I'm SO glad someone finally did it because Les Miserables' themes are universal and they are amazing but they're also really relevant to what's going on today, or 5 years ago (since it's only gotten fucking worse tbh).

My first big impression was how great the costuming was. You can tell the socioeconomic class of the characters just from what they’re wearing, from how they posture and interact with others. Which is easy when it’s period costuming, you just make everyone look dirty and ripped up vs not dirty, but this (aside from the Thenardiers) is a little more subtle.

Also re: the costuming, I absolutely LOVE that they modernized Javert’s costume into a cop’s uniform but managed to retain the classic Javert Silhouette by giving him that trenchcoat, so we still get the expected Inspector Javert Silhouette despite the fact that he’s a modern day cop. Also all of the other cops/soldiers being straight up SWAT was an excellent decision, not only because it shows the sheer violence of a police that isn’t supposed to necessarily be SWAT, but also because the helmets completely cover their heads, so when the soldiers sing lines, they don’t even sound human. Yet another layer.

Nehal Joshi as Valjean was great. Honestly the moment I keep thinking about is actually from the very beginning, just after Valjean is released. Joshi looks so happy, delighted, like his heart is light again. He smiles as he sings “ Drink from the pool / How clean the taste” while looking up into the sky like he’s amazed at being in the open air. Then suddenly his posture changes completely, becomes guarded and hard, his expression gets closed off, and he sings “Never forget the years, the waste” before thumbing at his nose in that tough way and grabbing his bag off the ground. It was an emphasis on a pair of lines that I’ve never seen properly emphasized before. Usually the emphasis is on the next lines, when Valjean is saying “Now let’s see / what this new world has in store for me”. But here they emphasize that despite being free, he has traumas he has to deal with, and experiences that mean he’s wary of the world. It makes his theft of the silver make a lot more sense; it’s not just opportunistic, it’s also that he straight up doesn’t trust anybody.

(Another note on costumes: Valjean’s post-prison costume is his orange jumpsuit with this weird ratty, torn up sweater thing over it. I do very much wish they’d given him a hoodie that was equally as ratty instead of a sweater because I feel like that would’ve been another interesting layer of commentary.)

Two notes I made specifically about this production’s Soliloquy: This production had Valjean rip his prison papers accidentally, while he’s in the middle of an emotional gesture, then he stares at the rip in disbelief, and comes to the realization that he could just rip it up, and so he does. I thought that was a very cool mechanic. The audience literally watches him get the idea of changing who he is. Also, when he sings “I am reaching, but I fall / And the night is closing in” he actually wraps the rope of his bag around his own neck, like he’s considering death, like he doesn’t know what to do with himself. I thought it was really interesting considering those are the lines that directly mirror/parallel Javert’s Suicide.

This production also has all the Bad People roles played by white people, which is just fantastic. The foreman, Javert, all the cops, etc etc. I thought it was an excellent decision, since all of the main characters (minus the revolutionaries) are POC.

Fantine was amazing, has an incredible voice, and her I Dreamed A Dream sounded genuinely miserable, almost frantic with the fact that not only is she a single mother struggling to pay for her child who’s living with some other family, she now has nowhere to turn for money at all, and she’s completely alone. I think she’s my favorite Fantine of any of the ones I saw.

And Lovely Ladies absolutely blew me away. This was the first Lovely Ladies I’ve ever seen that felt Real. Not just that there was sex going on (because there was, there’s people fucking and getting blowjobs etc in the background the entire time), but it doesn’t feel like something silly or shallow. The entire thing feels desperate and exploitative and miserable and painful. Most of the other characters are dressed in provocative, revealing clothes. But there are a few in just jeans and t-shirts, looking desperate and kind of bedraggled. And then you have Fantine, who is literally just in a slip and long socks, looking out of place and terrified.

The usual Lovely Ladies shenanigans do ensue, but there’s a tinge of horribleness to it that is sharper than in the traditional show. In the traditional show, the moment where the music suddenly slows, and all the women sing “Lovely ladies / Going for a song / Got a lot of callers / But they never stay for long”, it usually feels like kind of a weird and unprompted moment of introspection after so much ruckus, but in this version the reason everyone slows down is because the pimp plucks their cash out of each of their hands one by one. And then the horribleness is increased tenfold because all of the women are in a line with men behind them simulating sex, and Fantine is in the center, bent double, the Captain behind her, staring down the audience. With each thrust she grits her words out like she’s in pain in every way imaginable. And the Captain ‘finishes’ just as she hits the line “dead!” Which is just. A lot. But so good. It packs so much more of a punch than Fantine leading the Captain offstage, or to one side of the stage.

The way that Confrontation was staged was also so cool to me. In the shows I’ve seen the first part of Confrontation is Javert and Valjean facing off with Javert stage left and Valjean kind of up beside Fantine’s bed, but they’re on the same “level,” in that Valjean walks a few paces forward a few lines later and they grapple. In this version, they stood quite literally on either side of Fantine’s hospital bed, so that they’re arguing across her dead body.

Madame Thenardier made me think of a bizarre cross between Miss Hannigan, the mom from Matilda, and Patsy Stone from Absolutely Fabulous. She did a great job. M Thenardier is a douchey hipster pirate type guy with white guy dreads. Also they made him an ex-con as well, but he displays the numbers tattooed on his chest with pride compared to Valjean who hides them, which was yet another interesting decision.

This version of Les Mis has taught me that “My mom doesn’t let me drink” is the absolute BEST piece of spoken dialogue you could throw in before Master Of The House kicks the fuck off. 

Also this version has Eponine participating in the scams during Master Of The House: she takes peoples’ orders, carries plates, dances, etc. She’s cleaner and more pampered than Cosette, but she’s still being used.

Look Down was really interesting to me. Now, I think what I’m about to say is partly informed by costuming. That is, I think with period costuming an audience has a harder time distinguishing more subtle roles between (non-main) characters. What I mean is, in traditional Look Down, it just seems like three characters having an argument with each other, but with a modernized version the costuming makes it clear that it’s an old beggar woman, a prostitute, and her pimp. While that’s obvious from the actual dialogue, the period costuming makes it a little harder to glean the separate character types other than “beggar type”. Anyway, the roles being clearer via costuming makes all the interactions seem a lot more Real. It’s not just people all dressed alike singing lines at each other, it’s actual separate people having actual conflicts.

Also, I really really liked Mark Hancock as Gavroche. He’s older, or at least bigger, than most kids who end up playing Gavroche, and he’s not the most beautiful singer, but I think that works all the better for a production like this one. He’s not a cutesy Oliver Twist-type character. He’s a kid living rough on the streets, and he’s got a sense of humor but he is a badass.

This version also had a LOT more flirtatious behavior between Marius and Cosette. Like it’s not just one glance on the street. During The Robbery, Marius and Cosette are giving little glances and flirty waves the whole time, all shy and cute, little hand signals like “I want to talk to you oh my god” etc. Also this Cosette has glasses! She’s so cute!

Stars as a song feels very weird when it’s a Modern Day Cop singing about such a philosophical topic, and at first I was kinda ??? about it. Because you know, in a period piece, you kind of expect more elaborate language, you expect certain types of morality, etc. It sounds weird coming out of someone dressed like a pig you’d see on the street in real life. But then at the end of the song Javert takes a rosary out of his breast pocket to sing “Lord let me find him...” etc, and suddenly it actually made a lot of sense. It finally connected the religious references and morality displayed in the lyrics. Because a lot of shitty cops in real life are masquerading as Christians, so again, a good decision.

Ah, the ABC Cafe. Always lovely to hear those horns. John Campione was AMAZING as Enjolras. At first I was a little disappointed they made him a white guy, but then I thought about it and it actually makes a lot of sense. Despite his passion about justice etc, Brick Enjolras is a wealthy student; what better way to show his privilege in a modern setting than to have him be white? Anyway, I think Campione did a great job of portraying a leader who is so passionate, and so dedicated, and so intent on his cause but also kind of stressed out as the day draws nearer. (More on that later.)

Similarly, this Grantaire is a little shit. He does this hilarious like “call on me!” hand raise before “I am agog, I am aghast” which I thought was quite funny and cute. Also after “It’s better than an opera,” the Amis all laugh and clap, and Enjolras does this extremely sarcastic slow clapping before admonishing Marius with “It is time for us all to decide who we are” etc. Also Grantaire and Enjolras are actually standing beside each other for Marius lines, so that when he says “struck to the bone in a moment of breathless delight,” Grantaire looks directly at Enjolras and stays staring at him, so that when he moves downstage to stand across from Marius and sing “Red!” and “Black!” at him, it feels more like solidarity than mocking.

But then Enjolras pulls Marius further downstage for his “Marius you are no longer a child” etc lines. His body language is great here. When he sings “Who cares about your lonely soul,” he doesn’t just look like some charismatic leader man. He looks like someone who’s stressed out and a little annoyed/exasperated that this person is causing a distraction right when things are started to get important. He runs his hands through his hair, his gestures are clipped and fast, like he’s got too much energy and isn’t quite sure where to put it. It’s so good. He sings “Our little lives don’t count at all.” And then there’s a long, long moment of silence. A long one, where Marius looks around at his friends and realization that what they’re undertaking is much bigger than his emotional outburst, that Enjolras is right and he has to be with them instead of off in the clouds. And he raises his hand tentatively and then more surely towards Enjolras and sings that next “Red! The blood of angry men!” all on his own before the rest of the Amis join in. GREAT decisions there. SO COOL. (Also this is the moment when an Amis Hand Sign is established, which is important later on.)

This show uses silence in a way that I’ve never really seen another version do it. After Gavroche yells “General Lamarque is dead!” there’s usually a beat of silence before Enjolras begins to sing. In this version there is a long, long moment of silence when everyone looks around at each other, a moment where Joly tosses his pamphlet angrily onto the table and sits down with his head in his hands, a moment where Marius and Grantaire are the only two who turn away and face upstage at the news, a moment where they all process that this is fucking Real, and everything that they’ve been planning is suddenly Actually Happening. And then Enjolras begins, and his voice is so soft, and so sad, and it’s like he’s delivering a eulogy, but it’s only when he gets to “Is the sign we await!” and we get those trumpets that it changes into Enjolras The Leader, and it’s go time, and everything is Intense. Campione is fantastic as Enjolras because I think often people play Enjolras as this solid, charismatic leader who is stoney-faced and sure of himself etc. Which works for the period style (and is fairly Brick-accurate), but I think would seem a little odd in a modern day setting. This Enjolras is in it, he’s into it, he’s fucking intense and ablaze with energy. He sings Do You Hear The People Sing like he’s giving a speech, like he’s trying to convince (And “the real glory is to convince” so y’know).

And Do You Hear The People Sing as a campaigning song is brilliant. It starts out not with march, but with handing out fliers made of red paper, passing them out and getting out the word. Only then do they pull out signs and put on red caps and start marching.

In My Life/A Heart Full Of Love was so fucking hilariously cute. Marius and Cosette are both excellent levels of awkward, and there’s a lot of nonverbal flirting going on, and I just thought it was really well done.

I was told while I was live-tweeting that during One Day More the sort of dancing march they do (because it’s like a dance, instead of the in-place marching of the traditional version) is actually the Toyi-Toyi, a South African dance that was used as a form of protest during Apartheid and during other times as well. So that was a very cool addition. I’m sure there are other callbacks in this show to other protests or protest traditions like that that I didn’t even catch. The dance also reminded me of the body percussion used in A Quoi Tu Danses from 1789: Les Amants De La Bastille, so that was cool as well. We also get face paint and signs and red berets and button pins and a lot of stuff that has been seen in a lot of modern protests/movements lately.

Side note: Javert’s disguise is amazing because he retains his cop boots and trousers and crisp white shirt; he just puts a brown jacket and a red scarf over it and wears a red beret.

OKay SO. This is possibly the BEST On My Own I’ve ever seen. Now, I’m highly partial to Briana Carlson-Goodman as Eponine because the emotion in her voice is just mind-blowing. But this On My Own was so amazing. First of all, I’m amazed I’ve never seen any other production do this: when Eponine sings “pretending he’s beside me”, she puts out her hand like she’s holding some imaginary lover’s hand, like she’s genuinely imagining him walking with her, and it made her self-deception that much sadder. And this version was so good, I think because it was this perfect combination of angry and disappointed and yearning and self-deceiving. You can tell this Eponine KNOWS she’s deluding herself that Marius will ever love her, that she’s hugely disappointed and almost angry at that fact, but she still loves him and wants him and wants that love, and it just makes that self-deception all the stronger.

This version of Les Mis brings the barricade in as a flown set piece, which I think is an interesting decision. I definitely prefer the US Tour version, where the downstage scrim is backlit/lifted and both the audience and Eponine are suddenly confronted with the fully-built barricade. However, the barricade being flown in does give the Barricade Boys a moment to stand and admire their handiwork, so that’s kind of also cool.

(Somewhat unrelated, but throughout the show this Grantaire is a lot more still than other actors’ versions of R, but also more still than the other Amis in this show, so it’s clearly a choice. Other version of R are slumped over a table or slumped on the ground a lot, or they’re wobbly, or just generally restless and upset. This R is so still and just standing unmoved and blank it’s definitely a choice. Very much taking the “he seemed to be waiting there for a bullet which should spare him the trouble of waking” quote from the Brick and translating it to the stage version, in that he does move to shoot his gun but aside from that he’s so stock still it’s like he’s given up. Anyway. Back to the actual show instead of me just waxing lyrical about my favorite character.

When Eponine climbs over the barricade, Marius waves down all the guns just as Joly yells “There’s a boy climbing the barricade!” This kind of happens in other versions, but it seems like most of the traditional Les Mis versions all the Barricade Boys just kind of accept someone’s climbing the barricade and let Eponine over? In this one Marius like actually is waving down their guns, blatantly being like “don’t shoot, I know this person.”

And when Eponine is revealed to be shot, they don’t just let her die in Marius’ arms. The first half of A Little Fall Of Rain is sung with Eponine in Marius’ arms, but there’s also Feuilly there as a medic, pressing handkerchiefs to her wound, his hand on her with Marius’ hand on top of his and Eponine’s on top of them both. When Marius is saying “and you will live ‘Ponine,” medic/Feuilly shakes his head at him as if to say, ‘don’t tell her that, she’s not going to make it, I’m so sorry,’ but he still has his hand on her wound. It’s only when she sings “Just hold me now, and let it be” that Eponine pushes the medic/Feuilly away so she can die just with Marius. I really, really, really loved that because it seems so Right. Like, they’re fighting for a better world, they’re not just going to let an injured person die, they’re going to try their best to help her even if she’s dying and there’s nothing they can do. And I really liked that there was a medic there, but he was faced upstage, away from the audience, as if he was trying to help but also not intrude on this private moment. But when Eponine does push him away, he goes fairly easily, like he’s realized that she’s realized that she’s going to die. Also, instead of carrying Eponine offstage like a ragdoll, Grantaire and Feuilly bring over a stretcher and she’s carried off in it by Marius and Feuilly while Grantaire collects the handkerchiefs that were bloodied by her wound.

Valjean’s soldier disguise is the SWAT gear, even the helmet, although he mostly carries it in his hand rather than wearing it. It’s interesting because the difference between the SWAT gear and the suits he wears as Fauchelevent are a hugely stark difference, whereas the difference between his nice period clothes and the soldier’s period uniform isn’t quite so intense.

I noticed that during Drink With Me, Joly put his hand on Grantaire’s shoulder during “Let the wine of friendship never run dry,” which is sweet. I also noticed that aside from the moments where he was shooting his gun and the few moments he was being helpful re: Eponine’s death, Grantaire spends most of his time very very still, staring down at the floor with his shoulders slumped. He judges moments with just a shake of the head and turning away while others watch. His part in Drink With Me is sung with a bitterness that is more final than it is angry, like he can’t understand why they’ve all chosen to sacrifice themselves like this and he hates it and he’s bitter that all his friends are going to die but he’s realized there’s nothing he can do about it.

Bring Him Home is SUCH a hard song to sing and it’s actually really interesting in this version, I think. Because in traditional shows I think Valjean is played as a fairly calm person who is just always calm. Joshi plays his Valjean like he has taught himself to be calm, but inside he’s still kind of angry and traumatized and still has those instincts and still doesn’t quite know whether to believe in god or not, or something like that. So Bring Him Home is a moment where it seems like at first he’s just hoping, and then by the end of the song he’s genuinely imploring god to save Marius. Like it’s the first time he’s ever really begged a higher power to do something instead of just acting of his own power to make the good happen. I have no idea if I’m articulating myself well.

Again, Campione is a FANTASTIC Enjolras who plays him like a stressed out passionate leader who is constantly stuck between This Is Finally Real Hooray and Holy Shit This Is Too Fucking Real Oh God. In The Second Attack he portrays it really well, looking around at all the people he suddenly feels responsible for, body language like he’s trying to make too many split-second decisions. It’s just really good.

Death Of Gavroche is also great because even though this Gavroche is not the best singer, he gets shot once and keeps reaching for the bullets, and only stops when they riddle him with bullets. Also, I didn’t realize this until skipping around in the video to write this, but I think they kind of tried to retain some of the Gavroche-Grantaire relationship that the US Tour established? Grantaire goes from being kinda listless stage left to bolting over to the barricade once Gavroche starts climbing, reaching for him desperately; he gets shot in the leg and goes down and spends the rest of Gavroche’s lines up to his death with his head in his hands. Once Gavroche dies, Enjolras actually checks on Grantaire and wraps a tourniquet around his leg while Feuilly and Marius tend to Gavroche’s body.

Marius gets a thigh injury during The Final Battle (we know this because this production shows Actual Blood! Gavroche is actually bleeding! Eponine, too! And Marius! And Enjolras! Like there’s actual red and it makes it so much more intense! Anyway, Marius gets a bullet to the thigh, which frankly I think makes a lot more sense than the shoulder injury he gets in canon at least in terms of him being unconscious for so long (although I guess in canon he also has at least one head injury so meh). Anyway, Valjean sees it and immediately tourniquets him as one by one all the revolutionaries are picked off by bullets.

This Enjolras death is my favorite I’ve ever seen. We don’t get a permets-tu scene, but that’s okay because this is fantastic in another way. Enjolras doesn’t die on the barricade.

Enjolras is standing center stage, the bodies of his friends around him. He’s shot once, in the stomach, and goes down on all fours. As he’s on the floor, SWAT cops surround him, pointing machine guns straight at him. Enjolras struggles up, standing, and faces the cops and the audience. He raises his hand in a defiant fist to the air and is shot in the head.

Then there is a long, long stretch of silence. Quite literally an entire minute (I just counted) of silence, where there is no music, no speaking, nothing. Just the sounds of SWAT walking around, checking the bodies on the floor, and the indistinct sound of walky-talky chatter. Only after a whole minute of silence has passed and the SWAT leave the stage do the little plucked notes and the clarinet playing the Bring Him Home instrumental begin as Valjean stands up.

Valjean actually goes over and checks Enjolras’ pulse to see if he could possibly be alive, which I think hurts A Lot. And then there’s a moment where he looks around at all the bodies on the floor and kind of doubles over in shock, but only for a moment, and then he’s bolting back over to Marius to make sure he’s still breathing and then heaving him up into his arms.

(By the way, the bodies of the revolutionaries remain onstage through all of the proceeding songs.)

Dog Eat Dog is a boring, crap song in every production, and this one is no exception. The guy playing Thenardier is quite good but there’s really no way to redeem how boring a song Dog Eat Dog is. Also, this version cuts out the long instrumental part of Valjean walking with Marius through the sewer due to the fact that they don’t have that crazy projection thing. Instead it’s just a few seconds of him dragging Marius before encountering Thenardier and then also a few seconds before encountering Javert. Also, Valjean straight up puts his chest against Javert’s gun while he’s asking to save Marius’ life. Brave as fuck.

Okay this Javert’s Suicide was mostly really really good. Edward Watts gives Javert this sort of frantic emotion that Valjean spared him on the barricade and then is only asking to save this stranger. He looks genuinely freaked out and distressed. It’s not just confusion, it’s like actual Freaking Out. The only part I didn’t like was the actual throwing himself off the bridge part, but honestly I feel like there really is no way to do that part in a way that isn’t a little ridiculous-seeming. It’s hard to have a show where they never had any sort of fly rigs or any special types of practical effects at all and then suddenly there’s a guy flying through the air? and take that seriously. I dunno. But in any case, the rest of it is really good because the frantic confusion and questioning and anger and sadness and everything is so well done. Also, he takes his cross out of his pocket and drops it on the ground before he jumps, like he believes even god has failed him.

And then the lights return and the bodies of the revolutionaries are still onstage, with police tape cordoning them off. Turning begins with women in black mourning clothes coming onstage: at first they stand behind the tape with candles and flowers and teddy bears, then someone breaks the tape and they move to sit beside the bodies and set flowers down beside them. As Turning is going on, as the women move to sit beside the bodies, Marius also enters and sits in a chair upstage.

So Empty Chairs At Empty Tables happens with the bodies of the revolutionaries lying on the floor right in front of Marius, and women in black kneeling beside the bodies, facing upstage. But as Marius sings “Phantom faces at the window, phantom shadows on the floor,” the revolutionaries rise and move downstage, looking at him. They all make their little group hand sign before exiting, until it’s just Enjolras looking at him, then he makes the sign as well and exits and Marius is left alone with the mourning women in front of him and his hand raised in farewell. It’s just SO GOOD because I think it makes it all the more real. It feels like he’s actually singing to the bodies of his friends as well as their memories, like he’s full of survivor’s guilt and he’s watching them walk away from him and doesn’t know what to do. Combining the Turning Women’s mourning with Marius’ mourning is really cool, because it shows it’s really not just Marius that’s affected by this, and essentially he’s singing Empty Chairs for himself as well as the women in mourning kneeling on the stage before him.

Side note: Dorcas Leung, who plays Cosette, is a True Fucking Soprano. Her voice is SO high. It’s wild. Like, really wild. Like, glass-breaking high but in a good way. Also she’s really cute.

Anyway, the next thing I took note of was Valjean telling Marius why he was leaving without telling Cosette goodbye. He sings “Promise me, Monsieur, Cosette will never know” and puts his hand out in a way that’s partially imploring, and partially asking for a handshake on the promise. Marius says “For the sake of Cosette, it must be so,” but pointedly does not shake his hand. He’s going to honor the promise but he’s not gonna fucking like it.

Wedding Chorale/Beggars At The Feast is mostly unremarkable except that Mme Thenardier is dressed like Cruella de Ville. Oh, and Thenardier gets a kick in the balls instead of a punch to the face from Marius. Also the actor who played Combeferre and the actor who played Bossuet are dancing together so during Beggars At The Feast when Thenardier sings “This one’s a queer, but what can you do?”, the Combeferre actor does a little wave.

I’ve always hated in the musical that Valjean goes from being perfectly healthy to straight up dying in a matter of minutes but I also understand that montages of like a year are hard to do in musical format, so I forgive it but it’s still annoying.

Anyway, this Epilogue is FUCKING FANTASTIC. Valjean does this beautiful laugh of relief and amazement when Fantine tells him “And you will be with god” like he’s still amazed after all these years that he’s a Good Person Who Deserves Heaven.

Also, Fantine sits down on the bench beside Valjean, and then when Marius and Cosette enters, Cosette runs and sits down between Valjean and Fantine, facing Valjean, and there’s a moment where Fantine smiles in disbelief and strokes Cosette’s hair like “oh my god this is my daughter!”

Finally, the fucking kicker for me: “Take my hand, I’ll lead you to salvation / Take my love, for love is everlasting.” That’s always the moment in the show when I start actually crying and this one made it even sadder: Eponine is not the only one to enter in that moment. Eponine enters singing the duet with Fantine like usual, but Enjolras and Gavroche also enter, standing behind her, not singing.

This was such a great, fascinating, unique decision, and I fucking loved it. Because with that group, you have all the types of love and belief that are Important in the Brick: Fantine, the love of a mother. Valjean, the love of a father and the faith and belief that comes from someone else suddenly believing in you and the goodness that is a result of that. Marius and Cosette, romantic love, but also love of children and chosen family. Eponine, unrequited love and sacrifice. Gavroche, not necessarily love but an innocent death, a death from the goodness that comes from wanting to help. And Enjolras, the love of the people, the belief in the people, love of patria and the belief in justice. Just all of these important symbols standing together.

Then Do You Hear The People Sing reprise starts up, and the rest of the cast enter and stand at the edges of the stage around the group at center before everyone scatters out and spreads across the stage.

So basically that was an incredible fucking show. Like, okay. Since joining the Les Mis fandom in late 2011-ish or something I've read A LOT of Les Mis fanfics, I've read the entire book, seen the show live half a dozen times plus a ton of filmed boots and movie adaptations and last year's BBC miniseries. I've got a Les Mis tattoo and I'm vaguely thinking of getting another one. I've read fanfic taking place in canon era, modern day, Mai 1968, the 90s, the 40s, and on and on. All of them are important because all of them interpret the themes differently. Basically what I'm saying is I've consumed A Lot of Les Miserables.

But this version of Les Mis is So Important. Like, it's important enough I'm really surprised they didn't give in to the call for a DVD recording back in 2014.

Because the difference between like, the traditional version of the show, and reading a modern day AU fanfiction, and this Dallas show is that this Dallas show is In Front Of You. It's important because you're used to seeing this show with 19th century clothes and 19th century mannerisms so you don't necessarily connect it to today, or you do on a surface level only.

And in fanfics you can imagine it, but it's not the same.

But this show takes the music we all know and the characters we all know and places it in front of us NOW. We get Valjean in an orange jumpsuit, posturing like we've seen people posture in real life. We get Enjolras in a denim vest and button pins. We get Fantine, a woman of color, being fired for having a child out of wedlock and being accused of prostitution, and having to actually turn to prostitution. And we get a depiction that shows so viscerally how horrible that is. We get white people as cops (SWAT, no less) while POC are abused.

Suddenly this is a show that connects on every level.

And not only that but the visuals of the actual rebellion can be connected to so many movements and protests and things that have happened in recent years. Like with the Toyi-Toyi. And all the signs and pins and face paint and weapons and clothes and even to some extent the barricade.

And the cops going from soldiers with bayonets (which, to be fair, back in the day were pretty daunting weapons with their triangular blades, but we don't see them that way) to SWAT with helmets that black out their faces and semi-automatics is a a hard-hitting message.

And I've always thought it was funny that people who see the show casually think it's about Marius & Cosette's romance. Because that’s not all it’s about, of course. But this version made me really, really realize how little that romance matters in the musical. How much the musical is about Valjean, and then in tandem about the rebellion. Because place the whole "I've known you a day and I'm in love" thing in a modern setting and you realize how ridiculous it is, and how much more important Valjean's growth is, and how much more important the movement and the rebellion is. I mean the entire book is just about the Power Of Love And Belief In All Its Forms etc etc. But I think this version pointed out better than any other how many other forms of love exist in this story, besides the romance of Marius and Cosette.

But truly I think the most important thing that this show did is what I mentioned earlier: it placed the story, its themes, its characters, its rebellion, it's Love and Belief, in the Here And Now, and made it really, truly connect with its audience and the present world. This is a show that people always say is so relevant, so important, and it is. It really is. But sometimes, for a casual viewer, it’s hard to see past the period costumes and sets. And then you transplant the show into modern dress and modern sets and suddenly it’s a story that is just as believable and hard-hitting and important now as it was then. Suddenly you can connect with these characters and you can see these things happening in real life, in present day, and you can believe that it would happen.

It just blows my mind that we have all these Modern AU fanfiction pieces, that we have multiple groups of people doing Modern Les Mis Youtube interpretations, that there’s a Spanish musical out there that’s purely about Grantaire (which, god I wish there was more info on!), that there’s a ton of music and TV adaptations and yet this is the first time I’ve seen a professional company do any sort of modern interpretation of the show. And it works SO incredibly well and is SO hard-hitting and just took my breath away.

Uh so yeah such massive praise to the Dallas Theater Center for having the courage and imagination and awesomeness to finally do a modern version of this story because they knocked it out of the damn park and made an already important story even more important.

[just-kessho]

Ambrosia: Dazai Happiness Week

[Day 6] Memories

AU: None

Warnings: mentions of suicide and descriptions of blood and torture (*cough* Dazai *cough*).

[Day 1] [Day 2] [Day 3] [Day 4] [Day 5] [Here] [Day 7]

There are also references to the main ‘Ambrosia’ story but you don’t need to read the main one to understand this one – think of them as Easter eggs.

 Dazai was not a huge fan of the cold. The icy edges of his heart that never seemed to melt even in summer (when all he – and everybody that he knew of – wanted was to turn the air conditioner on at full blast, stick an ice lolly in his mouth and lazily watch the clouds drift by), where his bones were still frozen in time, his movements robotic and painfully slow as if he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.

Some days, when his memories were of nothing but bloodcurdling screams of the dead and curses of the tortured-

(Fingernails ripped open, the blood that coated the unfortunate man’s fingers were painful to look at. Still, that did nothing to stop the demon prodigy from advancing towards the torture victim. Sunken eyes stared up at him, looking at the eighteen-year-old and wondering what his next move will be. Dazai didn’t say anything, he didn't need to…

… because if the human – or well, the figure that had one too many cuts and holes in his body and was mumbling in a foreign language with a mouth that moved too fast to theoretically be human – chained to the seat next to the defiant man was of any clues, he will end up like his partner.

And the horrifying thing?

The youngest mafia executive, Dazai Osamu, had already got every information available from the trembling victim. He just wanted to see whether the method that he suddenly conjured up was effective or not.

… The demon drenched in black blood, mocked and laughed at the unfortunate, just as Dazai advanced towards the silent man that had his fate already sealed when his organisation decided to go up against the Port Mafia.)

-the brunette thought that perhaps he really felt like he was carrying the sins of the living. It didn't help – at all – that no matter how he washed his body, the smell of metallic that doesn’t- that didn’t belong to him still clung on, just like the frost of winter that refused to budge, on his body.

“You don’t deserve this tranquillity.” a small voice harshly whispered in his ears. Distorted echoes of his past… in his memories plagued his mind from the times of young.

They whispered the reality of his situation… the absolute truth… the truth that he wasn’t a good man, and that he will never be despite him following his departed friend’s wishes.

Despite the smiling faces of his workmates beaming up at him.

Dazai was snapped out of his trance when a familiar sight greeted him.

The scenery was something straight out of a snow globe, with the snow silently piling up, laying the port city in a thick blanket of white in a way that made the noises hush down to a bare minimum somehow.

Orange were cast by the many city lights to light up the tranquil scenery, engulfing the city by the sea in a warming glow… even Port Mafia headquarters, usually completely in black, standing tall and ominous, were shaded by a faint glow of gold.

Honestly, if Dazai were a photographer instead of a detective, he would take a picture, no doubt, and that would win the photo of the year.

But that does not mean he did not appreciate it.

“Ah, good evening.” it was Dazai who had spoken.

Nostalgia. The brunette was suddenly hit with a wave of nostalgia. The woman that had her gentle gaze towards the city as a silent protector was no longer small and fragile (though such a word never really was used to describe her), and the kimono that she had on was no longer the colour of snowflakes and the sky in twilight.

Though what never changed were her [hair colour] that framed her face, looking even more elegant and exquisite than whatever attire she had on, and that [eye colour] that reflected all the wonders of the universe – and his universe.

Hmm… but the [Name] in his memories did not remember their first meeting, at all. Thus he wondered, whether this particular greeting will turn into a precious memory stored solely for him to watch, or something that could be shared.

“Hey, Dazai.”

Ah, that voice. Rough yet soft, determined yet with a hint of sorrow, clear but quiet at the same time… it was these contradictions that Dazai knew, from her voice alone, that it was [Surname] [Name] that he was talking to.

Not the illusionary woman that held the secrets of life and death in her eyes that he somehow caught a glimpse of in those [eye colour] orbs before disappearing all together, leaving no trace of her remains, but the [Name] that was shot and bled to death, thus revealing her Gift. The [Name] that with dialogues that were – and are – completely out of his calculations. The [Name] that somehow made it back from-

“Hey, you all right?”

“Hmm? Oh yes, I was just admiring your beauty~”

She didn’t seem to totally believe him, yet the topic was never pushed. And for that, Dazai was grateful, for he didn’t think he could stomach making a trip down memory lane that described, in great detail, her total d-

Hmm, he was doing it again, wasn’t he?

“You know, I think Kunikida-kun is decorating the agency with the help of Atsushi-kun and others as we speak. Why don’t we go and lend them a hand?”

“Sure! And I’ll try to see if I can make a hangman’s noose and hang mys-”

“No.”

“… Ouch, so harsh, my dear…”

The action of her hand – with the palm up – in his sight right in from of him, waiting for him to take it, touched his heart greatly, it was, after all a subtle way of letting Dazai himself choose what he wanted to do. The mafia gave him as much choice as a grain of sand. His bandaged hand in hers, and a reassuring squeeze was felt.

Perhaps it was a way of saying that they were still alive.

Perhaps it was a way of saying to look forward to the absurd decorations that Ranpo will no doubt hang.

Perhaps… it was just her own way of trying to clear away the demons that plagued his memories.

“Hmm, I wonder what [Name]-chan’s wish for the New Year will be…”

“The same as last year. And Tanabata as well.”

“Wow, wasting all of those free-wishing events just for a single, unchanging wish?”

“Yes – it is what I wanted to wish with all my heart, after all. Come on, I have a feeling Kunikida-kun just gave up on everything just then.”

Thus with that and the sound of Dazai’s infectious laughter, the couple ran hand-in-hand towards the red-bricked building.

--------------------------- 

 [1] Tanabata – a festival in July/August (the date varies from region to region, but the first festivities begin on 7th July) in Japan that includes people writing their wishes on pieces of paper and hanging them on bamboo branches. It’s also called the Star Festival.

@dazaixhappinessweek2k19

Yes, I’m still doing this like the procrastinator I am.

[electricbluebutterflies]

still good

"You make things better for me. I look at you and I am reminded that there are still good things in this world."

Or, Lucy and Flynn get their shit together. Post-whatever, slight NSFW content, and also on ao3. (And the first legit unconnected-to-anything oneshot I’ve done for these babes. Wow.)

For the first night in six months, Lucy can't sleep.

It's weird, that issue - used to be a thing, but went away as soon as she started taking up space where she is right now with the best accidental roommate a woman could ask for. Which is admittedly a weird situation, but she blames that more on…

Well, honestly, there are a few obvious quirks to her unintentional invasion of Flynn's room, but it's working out great. Still not a formal arrangement, but after their routine of talking until godawful-AM and her accidentally falling asleep on his bed became established, they quietly accepted the state of things. They are roommates, and they occasionally make out on missions as a distraction technique, and their relationship is probably damned to stay right where it is. All is well.

Except that it's four in the morning and Lucy's wide awake and things are absolutely not okay.

She hears the issue before she actually sees it. Flynn is as curled up in the chair as he ever gets, limbs sticking out in all directions in a way that cannot be comfortable for him, and he's definitely out except he isn't. Breathing weird, the way one does in the midst of a panic attack and… shit, it probably is a panic attack. Great. Welp, least she can do is make herself useful.

She walks over and attempts to deal with the situation. It's familiar enough; she's been there herself a few times, though usually with eyes open, and she decides that the things that help her are gonna have to work as a starting point here. Carefully, aware that she's dealing with someone twice her size who could easily hurt her without thinking (but wouldn't, she knows that, he's always been so delicate with her), she puts her hands on his shoulders with as much pressure as she can manage.

"Hey. Wake up. It's okay. You're safe."

His eyes shock open and it's a couple terrifying seconds before he actually sees her and forces himself to… not exactly relax, he's still too lost in whatever-the-hell for that, but he softens a little bit as he takes her in. He is not used to having someone there to catch him, and there's a subtle sadness in it and-

"I'm sorry if I woke you."

"You didn't." She takes a deep breath. If this were anyone else in her life, this would be the point where she'd hug them - touch is an important language for her, one she speaks well in a crisis. But not him, not this man she's gotten terribly tangled up in in far too complicated a way to cross lines so easily. "How often do you have those?"

"You didn't know?"

That's not anywhere near the answer she's looking for, and she can't help rolling her eyes. "No. I guess I sleep through them."

"Every time I try to sleep. So, every two or three days."

Suddenly a few things make perfect sense, and she wonders why she didn't notice earlier. Flynn pushes himself too hard, she knew that, but somehow she assumed better coping mechanisms. But no, he's a human disaster and of course that's how he fights the dark things in his head. Oh, she hates how oblivious she's been to it, but at least now she knows.

"Anything you need me to do?"

"No. It'll pass. I don't… I don't mind the flashbacks. It's the only way I get to see them."

More things she should've noticed. She's really going for it here, and she'll have to find a way to deal with this guilt at some point but that will happen later, once her partner is okay.

They take care of each other. They're good at that. He's gotten her through enough bad nights and out of enough awkward situations, and she's tried to do the same - not anywhere near the same level, she's well aware of that, but her heart is there. And maybe this could be a step forward for her, towards being a better whatever-she-is.

(God, they really need to define this relationship. Yet another thing for her infinite to-do list.)

"I still should've noticed. Before now."

"It's alright, Lucy. I didn't want to weigh you down with it."

Her hands are still on his shoulders, and she is so close, and she could kiss him if she wanted to. She does want to, just to show that she is here and she is willing to help and she is determined to stay, but at the same time it seems like too much. Now is a bad time to admit to herself what she's being avoiding for a few months now, that she's falling in love with him and isn't even sure if that's a bad thing. Less than ideal, definitely, but she can't see how their relationship would change if they crossed physical lines. They'd still be them, still the weird beautiful interplay that's anchored her since she noticed it, just with an additional layer. It would be lovely, it would-

"You should take the cot tonight. You need to rest."

"I won't sleep. And you don't need to sacrifice for me."

Another deep breath. The temptation to yell at him is strong, but Lucy knows that won't help. "Me, sacrifice? This was your room. I'm the parasite here."

"No. Don't think of it like that."

"Most of my stuff is in here, I keep borrowing your sweaters…"

"And have I ever said I minded?"

"No…"

"You make things better for me. I look at you and I am reminded that there are still good things in this world."

She wonders, sometimes, if she's supposed to be some kind of second chance for him. The future version of her did say as much - not that this Lucy took notes during that mess, but there were some solid implications - but she's not sure what to do about that, what steps to take and when. But it is nice to know she's valued, and he's gotten so good at that. No one else has ever seen her so clearly, both good and bad sides, and no one else has defended her so consistently. It's hard to think of any steps forward that don't involve him somehow.

"Okay, fine. Then curl up with me. We'll both fit."

She's not entirely sure about that, or about the weight limit on the cots - there definitely is one, and she knows she's not as tiny as she looks - but it's worth a shot. And to her surprise, Flynn does not question this idea.

"Took us long enough," he murmurs as they attempt to arrange their bodies on the mattress.

She ends up mostly on top of him, which is not a bad thing. His heartbeat is steady, she notices as she rests her head on his chest, and his arms wrap around her body just so and it hits her that this is probably the safest she will ever be. Lying here with someone she loves, someone who would move heaven and hell to keep herself.

Screw it. She's okay with being a second chance.

As soon as that thought crosses her mind, he shifts position just a little bit and tries to kiss her forehead. Tries, as in she leans her head up at exactly the wrong (or right?) moment and their lips meet instead and it's not technically their first kiss but it's the first one that's happened in their primary timeline and not involved way more alcohol than usual and it is, for intense and purposes, the first kiss that actually counts for anything.

It is the most beautiful moment of Lucy's life, and her brain short-circuits accordingly.

Look, she was okay with the mutual-pining situation. She was okay with the stuff they do on missions that doesn't count for anything, and that one time a couple months ago with the tequila that neither of them fully remembers, and otherwise doing the platonic-life-partners thing as best they can. But he pulls her fully on top of him and sucks on her bottom lip just so, and it is simultaneously too much and not enough, and whatever they're about to evolve into is going to be so much better.

"We doing this?" she murmurs, shifting her hips against his to make it beautifully clear what she wants.

"Do you want to?"

"Yeah. You?"

"Yes."

It's appropriate, she thinks as they shift their bodies and remove the absolute minimum amount of clothing, that their first collision happens like this. They're both tired and in no real mood for any formalities, and a few delicate touches are all that's needed before she sinks down onto him. Slow, gentle, determined. The sort of sex that sets realistic expectations for a lifetime, assuming they get that. She keeps her mouth on his as much as possible, partially for fear of making unnecessary noise and partially because she likes the sensation of it, and allows her mind to wander. Why did it take them so long to cross this line, and what lies ahead now that they have, and-

He falls apart beneath her, completely silent, and she shifts off of him as they catch their breath.

"You need anything?"

"I'm okay. Too tired."

"Alright," he murmurs, a little disappointed.

"Some other time. When we're both in better space."

She rests her head back on his shoulder, where she belongs, and closes her eyes. Now, she thinks, now everything is alright.

[lady-thor-foster]

Run To You // Sam Wilson x Reader P2

Pairing: Sam Wilson x POC Reader Word Count: 2.6k+ Warning: fluff, language, angst, emotional abuse mentions, Eventual smut, that signature Foster SLOW BURN (I’m not even sorry anymore) 

Summary: Sam learns the consequences of putting friendships on hold to save the world. Asking for help is never easy, especially when you feel like you’re in too deep. Bucky proves to be trustworthy. Bonus: Tony Stark’s legendary generosity.

A/N: Wow, the response of the first chapter surprised the hell out of me. Thank you for your kind words! I hope you enjoy this next chapter! When will I learn how to write stories less than 1k words long? Never apparently.

Inspiration: “Safest Place to Hide” ~ Backstreet Boys “Can you see me, here I am, Standing here where I’ve always been, And when the words are not enough, I climb inside your heart and I’d still find, You’re my safest place to hide.”

Bucky was surprised as hell when Sam called him for help. It was no secret that the two of them didn’t get along very well, so to see Wilson’s name pop up on his screen set him a little on edge. He opened the text to find an unfamiliar address moments before his phone rang.

“Hello…?” he asked in confusion.

“Hey man, it’s Sam.”

“What’s up?” Bucky was wary. He could tell by Sam’s tone of voice that something was wrong but he couldn’t quite put his finger on what it was.

“I sent you an address. How soon can you get here? I could really use your help,” Sam said hurriedly. Something must be really wrong if Wilson was asking for his help. Why didn’t he call Steve or even Natasha?

“I’ll be there immediately,” Bucky assured him.

Sam sighed in relief, “Thanks.”

Bucky wasn’t sure what to expect when he made his way through the Compound. He was so lost in thought that he nearly bumped into Steve.

“Whoa!” Steve laughed, “Where’s the fire?”

“Shit. Sorry Steve, I’m kind of in a rush.”

Steve laughed again, “I can see that, bud. What’s going on?”

Bucky sighed. It was clear that by not calling Steve, Sam didn’t want him to know what was going on. He couldn’t lie to Steve. What if Sam was really in trouble?

“Buck?”

“Sam called and asked me to meet him somewhere. He said he needed my help,” Bucky relented.

Steve’s eyebrows shot up in surprise and confusion. Sam called Bucky for help? A brief pang of hurt flitted through his chest when he realized Sam chose Bucky over him, until he saw the subtle look of pride on Bucky’s face. Bucky had been trying to gain Sam’s trust ever since his return so Sam calling him for help must have made Bucky feel like he was finally making progress.

“Did he say what he needed?” asked Steve.

“No, but I get the feeling that something is really wrong if he’s calling me over you.”

“Do you want me to come with you?”

“Nah, I think we’ll be fine. I’m pretty sure Wilson and I can go ten minutes without trying to kill each other.” Steve snorted at this.

“Alright Buck. Let me know if you need me. I’ll be there sooner than you think.”

“I know, punk.”

“Get going, jerk.” Bucky tossed Steve a grin on his way out the door. He couldn’t have known how easily it’d be wiped away.

Sam was anxious after hanging up with Bucky. He moved you to the bed but you’d been out cold for almost 20 minutes and you showed no signs of waking up. What if something was seriously wrong? What if you never woke up? A knock at the door startled Sam from his downward spiraling thoughts. A brief glance in the peephole revealed a nervous but concerned Bucky. Sam sighed in relief and opened the door.

“Hey man. Thanks for coming,” he said.

“Yeah, sure. No problem,” Bucky replied while stepping into the small apartment. He ran his hand through his hair while he waited for Sam to clue him in.

“I’m surprised you came, Barnes.”

“To be honest, I’m surprised you called me and not Steve.”

Sam stuck his hands in his pockets and stepped back uncomfortably. He’d surprised the hell out of himself when he called Bucky.

“What’d you need, Wilson?” Sam beckoned for Bucky to follow him while he led the way to your bedroom. Bucky didn’t know what to expect. Since Sam usually did his best to keep distance between the two of them, he hadn’t the faintest idea of what he was walking into. Sam led the two of them to your bedroom where Bucky was greeted with your still unconscious form.

“Who’s she?” he asked.

“This is [Y/N]. She’s my best friend, except..I haven’t been a very good friend to her lately.” Bucky nodded in understanding; complicated friendships were something he was painfully familiar with.

“Okay…I still don’t get what you need from me, pal.”

“I’m not sure how much I can tell you without putting my fist through something,” Sam answered honestly. Bucky looked at him in complete surprise. Out of all the people he knew to say something like that, Sam was the person he expected it from the least.

“Tell me as much as you can,” he said gently. And so Sam launched into the story of everything that had happened up until he found you passed out on the bathroom floor. Bucky felt pure and unbridled rage at the revelation of Andrew’s treatment of you; being a victim of abuse himself, he completely understood Sam’s unrelenting desire to put his fist through something.

“He called her a what…?”

“I swear if I ever get my hands on him, I might actually kill him.”

“Now I understand why you didn’t call Steve,” Bucky said. Sam’s eyes widened in realization. He wasn’t entirely ready to admit it but maybe Bucky had a point. 

The faint sound of faraway voices echoed in your ears. Your head felt like someone had run you over a thousand times with a Mack truck. Your shoulder ached where you fell on it; opening your eyes didn’t seem appealing at all. An unfamiliar voice responded to Sam’s and your curiosity got the better of you. They didn’t seem immediately to notice you’d woken up. Once your eyes adjusted, you were alarmed to find an astonishingly large man with a metal arm and a man bun standing in the doorway of your bedroom.

“Okay, who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing in my room?” you snapped. Both Sam and the mystery man whirled to face you.

“[Y/N]! Thank god you’re awake!” Sam rushed over to gather you into a fierce hug. The mystery man grinned sheepishly under your harsh gaze; he seemed more afraid of you than you did of him. Something about the way he looked at you felt familiar. It was almost as if you’d seen that same look in your own eyes whenever you accidentally met your reflection. He’d been broken too.

Detangling yourself from Sam’s firm hold, you rolled your eyes in annoyance. “That doesn’t answer my question, Sammy. Who the fuck is the large dude that’s just standing in my bedroom? You know how I feel about strangers in my place. I haven’t even cleaned up!”

Sam snorted at your words. He couldn’t believe he’d almost forgotten how particular you were about making sure your home was presentable for company. Some things never change.

“This is Bucky Barnes. I called him after I found you knocked out on the floor.” You sobered instantly.

“How long was I out?”

“Almost an hour,” Sam responded.

“Shit.” Glancing at the mystery man, no, Bucky, you gestured for him to come in. “You might as well make yourself comfortable. I’d offer you a drink but apparently my hostess skills have completely flown out the window.” Bucky tossed you a lopsided grin and he sat down in the armchair across from your bed.

“I’m sorry we couldn’t meet under better circumstances, doll. How’re you feeling?”

“Well, aside of feeling like my head has been used as a drum set in a metal band, my body feeling like I’ve just gone through the spin cycle of the wash and waking up to find an insanely large man standing in my bedroom, I’m pretty damn peachy.” Both Sam and Bucky laughed at your sass.

“Are you sure you’re okay, [Y/N]? That was a nasty fall; I could take you to see Dr. Cho to get you checked out,” Sam fussed while he searched your face for any cuts or bruises. You waved him away and moved to get out of bed. You must had hit your head harder than you thought because when you stood up, you suddenly found yourself heading for the ground again. Fortunately, Sam was here to catch you this time.

“Whoa there, TinkerBell. No more collapsing on me please.”

“Shut it, birdbrain. I’m fine.”

“Sam’s right [Y/N]. You should really go get checked out. The Compound isn’t far from here,” Bucky interjected. You cut your eyes at him. He grinned and held his hands up in surrender.

“Alright, alright. I’ll go see a doctor if it gets the two of you off my back,” you relented. They both let out a sound of relief. You rolled your eyes; apparently having Bucky worried about you was just as bad as having Sam worried. Oh great.

“What’s the verdict Doc?” Sam asked. Doctor Cho looked up briefly from her clipboard. She’d seen a lot of things in her line of work but you were one of the most concerning cases of psychological abuse and neglect she’d ever seen. Her lack of immediate response worried you, Sam and Bucky.

“Dr. Cho?” you whispered. She met your gaze sadly.

“Honestly, [Y/N]…I’m a little surprised you can even function properly right now.”

“What the hell does that mean?”  Sam fussed, nearly crushing your hands in his grip.

“It means [Y/N]’s body is barely hanging on by a thread. If she doesn’t start taking care of herself, and I mean immediately, she could die,” she turned to you, “why haven’t you been eating?”

You looked away from the doctor’s concerned gaze, “I haven’t been hungry.”

“Bullshit,” Sam half shouted. You winced; it didn’t go unnoticed by Bucky.

“Take it easy, Wilson. You don’t want to scare the girl,” Bucky warned. Sam looked at him and for just a split second he contemplated sucker punching him. Your shivering body pulled him back to reality.

“What can we do, Doc?” asked Bucky.

“Try to get her eating again. Small, easily digestible meals; her body is in starvation mode right now. It’s burning everything and anything it can just to keep itself going. If you’d waited any longer it could have been too late.”

The doctor’s words weighed heavily on your mind. Things between you and Andrew had gotten so bad you were literally killing yourself to please him. How did you let yourself become this person? How did you let things get this far? Looking down at your hands, you finally notice how thing and skeletal they’d gotten. You were sure that if you looked into a mirror you’d see a reaper staring back at you. Who had you become? A fresh wave a tears threatened to spill over so you buried yourself into Sam’s chest. His arms wrapped around you tightly as he pressed soft kisses into your hair. You didn’t notice when both Dr. Cho and Bucky slipped out of the exam room.

“I’m so sorry, [Y/N]. I’m so fucking sorry,” he murmured. You couldn’t believe your ears. What on earth did he have to be sorry for? You pulled away and forced him to meet your gaze.

“Why are you apologizing to me, Sammy? You didn’t do anything wrong?”

“The hell I didn’t! I almost lost you because I was too busy putting everyone and everything else ahead of you!”

“Bullshit Samuel!” you shouted while gesturing to yourself, “This isn’t your fault, it’s mine! I’m the one who got myself into this situation. I’m the one who spent days upon days avoiding eating because I wanted to be thin enough to please him. I’m the one who spent hours crying myself to sleep because I never felt good enough for him. I’m the one who stopped calling. I’m the one who stopped reaching out. I’m the one who almost died!”

“Exactly! You almost died and I never would have known until it was too late! I wasn’t there [Y/N]. I wasn’t there!” Sam broke down in tears. You could see his guilt as plain as day. Pulling him into your chest, you both cried together. It was cathartic in a way; being able to finally start to let go of who Andrew turned you into.

Sam held you tightly, sobbing profusely into your arms. Hearing Dr. Cho say how close you were to the edge of death wrecked him to his very soul. He couldn’t believe just how close he was to losing the one person who mattered most to him in the world. He couldn’t believe he spent so much time putting you on the back burner that he essentially abandoned you. He couldn’t believe he wasn’t there when you needed him.

Neither one of you were sure just how long you spend crying together. You were both soaked in guilt, tears and everything left unsaid. At some point, you passed out from exhaustion in Sam’s arms. Even with a puffy face and still runny nose, Sam thought you were the most beautiful woman he’d ever be lucky enough to see. A soft knock at the door startled him. He looked up to see Steve, Bucky and Tony standing in the doorway.

“Hey guys,” Sam whispered.

“Is she okay?” they asked in unison. Sam glanced down to your sleeping form and smiled sadly.

“I hope she will be.”

“Bucky caught us up,” Tony said, “we’re here for whatever you need, both of you.” Sam glanced at Bucky in full surprise. Maybe he’s not as bad as Sam made him out to be. Bucky flashed a small smile in acknowledgement. He understood Sam’s need to protect the ones he loved most.

“I need to get her things from Andrew’s place. He’s been threatening to trash all her things. I can’t let that happen, but I can’t leave her.”

“I’ll do it,” Bucky said. This was the moment Sam decided to finally trust Bucky. In spite of how awful things had been between the two of them, Bucky was stepping up to help him when he needed him the most. This was the moment Sam finally saw what Steve’s been talking about all along: Bucky has an amazing capacity for caring.

“I’ll help,” said Steve. Sam smiled in thanks.

“Me too,” Tony agreed, “no one deserves to go through what she’s been through. Thank god it wasn’t any worse.” Sam’s rage flared up again at the thought of that prick putting his hands on you. He must have gripped you too tightly in response because you whimpered in your sleep. Loosening his hold, he kissed your forehead to soothe you.

“Thank you guys; I’ll get you the address. Would someone mind stopping by her place to get some clothes? I don’t want to leave her alone. I’ve done that for too long.”

“I’ll send a team to collect her things and take care of her apartment. She’s staying with us from now on. That asshole doesn’t get to hurt her anymore,” Tony snarled. Sam nodded his head in appreciation. He’d never had any doubt the Avengers were his family but to see them ready and willing to take care of some else he loved only cemented this feeling in his heart. They truly were his family.

After giving his fellow teammates the necessary information, Sam carried you to his bedroom. After the day you’ve had he felt you deserved a little peace and quiet. He removed your shoes and tucked you in, leaving a gentle kiss on your forehead. You stirred from your sleep. He walked away to turn the lights out but you panicked at the thought of being alone in an unfamiliar place.

“Please stay. Please don’t leave me alone again, Sammy,” you whispered.

“I’m not going anywhere, darlin’. I promise.” He flipped the switch, removed his own shoes and climbed into bed with you.  Curling yourself into him, you breathed a small sigh of relief. Your Sammy had come back for you, just like he always did. You were finally safe.

End P2

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[fuckmaniknowbuthey]

i took 3 grams of magic mushrooms & saw ghost in the shell (rupert sanders, 2017)

ramblyyyyyyy but here we go

- not an adaptation of the oshii film or the manga and a distressing amount of dipshit fans & critics will scorn it for this but fuck 'em - very very aware of the multiple schools of thought on ghost in the shell (in conceptual reverence as much as aesthetic, this was clearly a film made by ppl who had intimately explored the possibilities of ghost in the shell & decided that this would be the most palatable configuration for an american audience in 2017 - the script, as a consequence mostly of the "for an american audience in 2017", is very banal & while it respects franchise legacy & prior characterizations it is also A Superhero Origin Story so that scarjo can have a non-marvel franchise BUT as a standalone film aside from the screenplay's cloying ambitions of franchise-building it is very good & enjoyable - kin very much 2 johnny mnemonic & for more reasons than just being a highly polarizing hollywood attempt at cyberpunk w/ a prominent beat takeshi supporting part, it has that same strange glee abt taking the big studio budget and going "now let's tease out past/present/future of an aesthetic", it's a film built entirely in its tiny little details (costuming, set design, the general dreamlike vibe, the sound editing, physical gestures) - scarjo is amazing in this!! i am generally not a fan but her interpretation of motoko kusanagi is fucking fascinating & weird & very much in the spirit of standalone complex's ver. of motoko (not quite at that level of brashly confident & comfortable yet, but possessing the same intensity & directness); she approaches the idea of "playing a robot" like, not just as "oh i've gotta be clumsy w/ my speech & motions + not emote very much" but instead like, genuinely behaving in a kind of alien impression of what "humanity" is??? like it's not even the usual sort of "robot that wishes it was real" shit, like she's hostile & inscrutable in affect in all moments where she isn't being hostile & there are so many weird little facial twitches + bits of odd body language she uses 2 communicate this is idea of like, struggling w/ being a constructed version of human rather than an authentic person and the arc is that she kinda just makes peace w/ the idea that she was once a person and now she isn't but she still retains like, this faint shred of this prior experience + she'll use it as fuel 2 live her new one fully in the terms afforded her, it's fucking weirdly heavy-lifting in acting terms for what plays out in plot beats as basically just tryna chum up ghost in the shell's whole franchise history into a post-raimi superhero origin story - the scene w/ the prostitute that's been in every trailer since the earliest teasers is a great moment for showcasing this performance's general vibes in a nutshell, she's like...not just doing bog-standard "oh wow this is a real human, how i'd love 2 be her" sorta wistful detachment, she's forceful + very fixated on how tactile & real the other woman is, like she wants 2 touch her not because she doesn't understand touch or the form of a face or the nature of skin but because she has an intense hunger for her original human perceptions of these ideas and she's got 2 find a way 2 reconcile this w/ her new body in a tangible way instead of just intellectualizing it - michael pitt's hideo kuze on the flip feels very much like a gimmick performance, but it's also a fun one: he's working w/ a lot of the same basic themes, but like cast as a villain for the bulk of it he's gotta dumb the shit down 2 shtick + so he's got the prosthetics & CGI freak body + he does a max headroom meets microsoft sam voice and he screams clumsily w/ every mannerism "I WAS HUMAN, I FEEL THAT I MAY STILL BE, BUT THAT I AM UNSURE I AM HUMAN IS AN IRRECONCILABLE TRAUMA" but he's fuckin' michael pitt so he's having a lot of fun w/ it and it's an interesting contrast of scarlett fucking johansson doing this very subtle character work while pitt's ham monologuing w/ scratched CD stutter tics at her from under cover of darkness - like seriously fuck this dumb screenplay it's very trite but unhelpful 2 focus on cuz this is a film that functions on so many more levels in ways that are compelling - the action is cool, riffing a lot on the peppier moments of oshii's films + kazuchika kise's arise OVA series but never just settling for carbon copy, uses 3D well (reminded me a lot of the sense of texture & movement & space in tron: legacy, which is a tragically overlooked film that maybe just doesn't work quite right outside of a theatre unfortunately) - pilou asbaek's batou is surprisingly good, i had him written off as far 2 generic action man but like he clearly did his research, his batou has a heart & a sense of humor & he absolutely has the body + the voice necessary 2 pull this character off (he manages 2 make the inherent goofiness of rendering batou's tiny camera eyes as a real thing on a person totally workable by having batou be proud as fuck of his augments & not remotely uncomfortable at the notion of them as a replacement for his real eyes, which considering they give him a dramatic "he got hurt on the job" moment after introducing him 2 the audience as a dude w/ normal eyes is cool & not corny cuz any other fucking film would've milked this for a subplot where batou could go "MAJOR, I ALSO FEEL YOUR PAIN, FOR I LOST MY EYES AND THEY GAVE ME ROBOT ONES, THAT'S JUST LIKE LOSING YR HUMANITY, RIGHT??" and that would've sucked) - beat takeshi gets way more screentime than you'd expect and as much as his performance is very much just him Doing His Thing that's honestly an ideal vibemarriage for the daisuke aramaki character + this also feels like a corrective 2 how sloppily he was used in johnny mnemonic hahaha like hollywood just karmically owed this dude one and he finally got it - chin han is a very good togusa, like all incarnations of togusa tho he gets fuckin' paltry screentime compared 2 everyone else and he also is just there 2 be like "he's the normal guy who is a pretty good cop" which is a downright shame - the rest of section 9 all feel like characters who are begging for a sequel and/or spinoff 2 rly flesh out proper but that also means they serve in a perfect capacity for fulfilling both the superhero origin shit (give you a hook 2 intice you 2 dig deeper) and also just like the general cool fringe sci-fi genre piece vibes (everyone looks badass, there's some neat little distinct tic or visual quirk on top of said general badassness that makes you think "maaaan i wanna see more of this guy" which fucking like all of these movies have, like again johnny mnemonic, that's an entire film of characters like that) - i love the retrofuturist plastic shell cars, it's extraordinarily "some high school kid's loving blade runner fanart" but it's executed w/ a respectable unwinking nature abt its whole shit, like it doesn't try 2 make this like the slick CGI ver. of a retrofuturist plastic shell car, it's just a shitty old car w/ hyper-stylized plastic shell on it hahaha - most of the spider-tank scene pales in comparison 2 mitsuo iso's beautifully animated take from the oshii flick but the actual exact sequence where motoko breaks 2 pieces prying the tank open is fucking gorgeous & riffs on iso + oshii's original work sublimely w/o just straight-up jacking it (this is a moment where the 3D rly shines, the frantic swaying of the arm as the last tendons shred and it pops off)

overall this was dumb as fuck but very gorgeous & kept compelling by performances that are strong & play well w/ the genre elements