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[vaard]

Draecember day 4: Wait! I can explain!

And then Rue got a talking to about honesty and responsibility.

[caramel-and-pine]

13 - Break and Trust

David has seen all kinds of emotions playing on Gwen’s face on the many years they’ve known each other. He’s seen varying degrees of frustration back at Camp Campbell, the despair without precedents on the morning they lost Max, the joy of finally getting a job in the area she wanted to work in. They have been together through thick and thin and not once has he seen such a convoluted expression on her face.

As David’s words sink in Gwen’s expression mutates. First, her eyes narrow in confusion just to slowly widen in surprise. Her mouth opens a little as if she is about to say something, but it snaps shut with a click. For about three seconds her eyebrows flutter, high and low, as she goes through shock and relief until a definitive emotion settles in.

Her face hardens and this expression David knows. It is betrayal. He’s seen it before, but never in such a raw and powerful state. Gwen stands up slowly, her face set in stone: eyes slightly narrowed, eyebrows tilted in an angry angle, lip tight. The tear tracks on her cheeks shine when the light reflects upon them but she doesn’t care enough to wipe them up. She turns her body to fully face David.

She practically telegraphs her next action. The twist on her waist and shoulders, the line of her spine extending to her arm. Her hand open and rigid. The strike comes fast but David has seen it coming, and he accepts it. He knows he deserves it and despite being able to defend himself from the hit he takes it.

Gwen’s hand makes a deafening noise as it connects with David’s face, turning it away from her with the force of the impact.

It stings badly, he feels heat surging to the surface of his cheek in the shape of Gwen’s hand. Tears well up in his eyes but he knows they are not from the physical pain. He keeps his eyes averted and breathes deeply to avoid spilling them.

“You found him?!” Gwen’s tone is accusatory now, her voice raw. “You fucking found him and you didn’t tell me? What the fuck, David? Were you so upset that I’ve given up that you decided to deny me this closure? I… I… what the fuck…?”

Gwen dissolves into tears once more. She sobs loudly and her shoulders shake with each ragged breath she takes. Her face is full of rightful anger and David wants to hold her but he can’t face her yet, his own tears soaking his cheeks now. She deserves this moment of rage as much as he deserves to be the target of said anger.

“I am sorry, Gwen,” he says in a small voice. “It hurt me not to tell you, but he asked me. He begged me not to tell you yet. I am sorry.”

David is surprised when Gwen leaps forward and burrows in his chest. She is still crying but her little hiccups hide different words now.

“He is alive, he is well, right? You’ve talked to him? Please, David, I’ve shared this burden with you for so long, give me some peace now. Please.”

David holds her tightly, his hand rubbing soothing circles on her back.

“Yes, I’ve talked to him. We’ve met a few times, actually,” he tells her in a garbled voice. “He is a man now, Gwen. An adult, do you believe it? He’s still a shorty, though.”

Gwen laughs at this and pulls away a little. Her face is a mess of tears, blotchy and wet, but a small smile is forming and David is glad for it.

“What the fuck,” she says but her tone is light. “How? Where? Please…”

David shifts a little so Gwen can sit back on her chair and he moves around to sit on his own before speaking again. She wipes her face on the napkin and takes a sip of the wine to calm down. When she is once again composed she turns her full attention to him.

“Now you’ve dropped the biggest bomb go ahead and tell me everything, please,” she asks with a trace of command in her voice. He owes this to her and she knows it, and she will use it to her advantage. “And why didn’t he want me to know about him? Does he… hate me?”

“Oh, no, he doesn’t!” David shakes his hands in a placating manner. “He doesn’t hate you, Gwen. He, well, he is in a situation… He… you see…”

“David!” She calls with an authoritative voice. “You’re stalling, what is the problem?”

“Do you remember the last time we went out?” David opts for a less direct approach. Gwen raises her eyebrow but nods an affirmative anyway. “So, after you left I stayed a little more and the night performance started and in the end, they were introducing the dancers and…” David takes a deep breath, “Max was one of them.”

Gwen’s face is a perfect blank canvas for what feels like hours.

“He what?” She squeaks the question, a mix of shock and horror and a bit of amusement on her face.

“He was one of the dancers, he works at that strip club,” David’s face burns as he tells her. “I met him for the first time that night and we talked and when I said you were there too he panicked a little. When I said you weren’t there anymore and that you hadn’t seen him yet he asked me not to tell you. I think he was afraid of your reaction, or something like this.”

“Oh, that little shit,” Gwen says all too fondly. “Did he really think I would care about his dancing after we’ve spent ten years looking for him?”

David rubs the back of his neck. “Well, it is not only dancing,” he says averting his eyes. “He works there. He strips, and receives clients,” David’s intonation is enough to cue Gwen on what he means. She frowns for a moment.

“Oh, this is… unexpected.”

“Yes,” David agrees weakly. “And you know him, he doesn’t like showing weakness or fragility and this is a very delicate situation. He couldn’t deny it to me since I saw him there first hand, but I guess he wanted to avoid exposing himself even more by telling you.”

Gwen looks down at her plate. The food isn’t hot anymore but she is starving after work so she takes another bite despite it being cold. She chews slowly, considering David’s words in her mind.

“Did you meet him outside that club?”

“Yeah,” David squeaks in reply, face quickly turning red. He might have spilled the beans about finding Max but he definitely won't tell her about what kind of relationship they've been building on those few weeks. Gwen raises an eyebrow at him.

“And how was it?”

“Good,” David replies all too fast. “It was good. We had lunch together and talked a lot. He has a sister and shares an apartment with a nice girl named Christine.”

“Is she his girlfriend?”

“No, he said they tried but it didn’t work out so they decided to continue as friends.”

They share a smile, both deeply familiar with this situation.

“So he has friends,” Gwen says with a satisfied smile.

“At least one, yes,” David says. “Well, two I guess,” he adds pensively. “I think I am his friend now too.”

Gwen smiles fondly. “And it only took you ten years and a kidnapping of sorts.”

“Worth it,” David says softly, his heart warming up at the memory of sharing the morning with Max after their night together.

“Did you get to meet his sister too?” Gwen asks.

“No, she studies in a Catholic school for girls,” David explains. “Max enrolled her there himself. He said he wants to give her better opportunities than the ones he had.”

Gwen whistles. “Wow, he did grow up, hun?”

“He did,” David’s expression melts into something very warm and soft. “He is mature and generous and kind, the way I’ve always known he could be. He is still terrible, though,” he adds with a little eye roll.

“I hope I can meet him one day too,” Gwen says, wiping the last remnants of tears from her face.

***

Telling Gwen about Max is simultaneously the best and the worst thing David’s ever done. If on one hand he feels lighter because now he knows Gwen is at peace; on the other his stomach is a continuous pit of dread as he considers Max’s possible reactions to this. After dinner Gwen promised not to try to contact Max on her own, so David is somewhat calm, confident that he’ll figure out how to talk to Max about it.

The rest of the week goes on a rush. David is busy with some projects, he is spending a lot of time working on his portfolio, and he is exchanging a lot of emails with magazines editors to improve his network. All in all, he doesn’t have as much free time as he used to but working gives him purpose and energy so he does it happily. The only downside is that it is Saturday night and he can’t go to The Fruit Bowl to see Max.

He misses Max, and the realization is odd. He is used to having a Max shaped hole in his heart after those ten years looking for him, but it is different now. Before, this hole was filled with worries and terrible fantasies; now it is full of soft thoughts and care and desire. It is oddly titillating and pretty distracting but he manages to keep it in check in order to focus on his work.

David is watching the loading icon on his screen when his phone rings. It is a message from Max asking him if he’d go to the bar that night. With a little sad frown, David replies that he doesn’t have time and that he probably wouldn’t be able to go there on the whole weekend. A few seconds later a new message arrives.

From: Max maybe this will change ur mind? *attached file*

David sees the blurry preview of the photo and his mouth already starts to water. He taps the icon on the screen and watches it loading full of expectative. When the full image loads his breath hitches a little and heat surges to his face.

It is a selfie taken in the full-length mirror in the bathroom at The Fruit Bowl. Max stands in front of it with a wide stance, powerful and confident. His usual bad boy smirk in place as he stares at the mirror from over the lenses of sunglasses. He is wearing ridiculously tight white pants and his black leather jacket over his exposed chest. David makes a little helpless noise when he sees the spiky choker around his neck.

He loses sense of time staring at the photo but another ring from his phone brings him back to reality.

From: Max did u like it? christine chose it for this night’s performance

To: Max She has good taste

From: Max loser *eye roll emoji*

David stares at the phone with a smile. Loser seems to be a term of endearment on Max’s personal language. At least that’s what David likes to think, considering just how frequently Max calls him that.

To: Max You’re very handsome But I am very busy

To: Max *sad emoji*

From: Max rly? i was expecting to see u this weekend

From: Max i kinda miss u

David’s face opens in a wide smile, it reaches his eyes and makes his entire expression glow. His heart once again flutters pathetically and he looks at the clock as he tries to figure out how to make some extra time to go to the bar meet Max. Unfortunately, he just can’t find these elusive moments so he just sighs frustratedly before writing his reply.

To: Max I am sorry *sad emoji* Can we have lunch again next week?

After a beat he composes a second message:

To: Max I miss you, too

From: Max monday is my day off but u have to go w/ me to the laundromat

From: Max i promised chris id do the laundry *frown emoji*

To: Max Is 1 pm good?

From: Max sure

To: Max So, it is a date?

From: Max *attached file*

David clicks the icon in the speed of light. It is another selfie, but this time directly from the front camera and not on the mirror. The light is bad but David clearly sees a blush on Max’s cheeks as he half covers his face and his smile. There is a black stripe across the image with a white text in capital letters in it: YES U LOSER.

From: David *pine tree* *attached file*

Max’s face is still burning when he opens David’s photo. What is happening to him? Since when is he mushy and silly like this? He’s sent his fair share of nudes and provocative pictures to previous partners but never something as… sweet as this. David brings something different in him, something soft and good. Max is not used to the feeling but he likes it, and he likes the idea of experiencing it more often.

When David’s image opens up Max unconsciously coos at it. It is David with his lips pursed in a kiss, eyes shut tight and eyebrows lightly furrowed. It is painfully adorable and Max genuinely considers deleting it because he knows otherwise he will spend hours looking at it every day. There is a text on a black stripe, too: See you Monday!!! *kiss emoji*

Max saves the image as David’s profile picture.

***

“Hi, David, is everything right for today?” Max’s voice sounds strange on the phone, a bit more shrilly almost like it used to be when he was young.

“Hi, Max,” David can’t help the smile as he speaks. “Yes, it is. Is everything okay for you?”

A pause, then Max laughs a little airy laugh.

“Yes, it is just that last time I didn’t confirm and you were worried,” he trails off. “I thought it would be good to call today.”

“Oh, Max,” David’s smile turns softer. “Thank you for calling, I know you don’t like phone calls all that much.”

Max clicks his tongue. “Yeah… I’ll send you the address of the laundromat when I arrive there, ok? I don’t know it by heart,” he explains.

“It is okay, I will wait,” a beat of silence. “I’m really happy to meet you again,” David says in a very low, timid, voice.

“Me too,” Max’s reply is even lower. “See you in a while,” he says with more conviction and turns off the phone as soon as David says bye.

It is a little before noon when Max calls, and David is eating lunch by himself in his small kitchen. Suddenly, the apprehension of seeing Max returns. He knows he must tell Max about Gwen, it is only fair; but he doesn’t know how to approach the subject. He is deeply afraid that Max will get so angry at him that he will vanish again. This time for good.

David doesn’t want to lie or hide things from Max, but the idea of losing him again is even more painful. In those few weeks, he has grown used to the idea of the young man being part of his life, in a way no one else ever could. Max has been a constant, a painful one, and now he has the chance to turn ten years of pain into something good. He doesn’t want to lose it.

A sour taste settles on the back of David’s mouth. He finishes his food forcefully, the pleasure of the meal gone under the weight of his worries. Tell or not? Lie or trust? Maybe now that he and Max are in such good terms, to say the least, the young man will be more open to Gwen. Maybe David is just overthinking this and ruining his appetite for naught.

As he cleans the kitchen this new perspective grows stronger. Max likes him, on some level for sure, so he might accept this. Maybe they will discuss a little, and David is ready to apologize as much as he needs and offer any kind of compensation Max deems necessary. It will work out fine, he tells himself with much more confidence than he actually feels.

David’s phone rings with an incoming message when he is in the shower, it is the location of the laundromat. Max sent it on Whatsapp and followed it with a selfie of him carrying a big bag of clothes and frowning. David smiles and replies with a message saying he is on his way. Luckily the traffic is good and it is 1 pm sharp when he arrives at the place.

The laundromat is small, only a handful of washing machines and dryers lining up the wall, and other than he and Max only a teenage girl is there. The girl is using headphones and sitting on one of the machines while reading a magazine and completely ignoring both men.

When David enters the place Max waves at him with a satisfied smile. David approaches casually, debating whether it was appropriate to kiss Max or no. Their last farewell had been very affectionate and the texting was playful and intimate, but he doesn’t want to pressure or force things. His internal struggle is put to rest when Max goes on his tiptoes and softly kisses him on the lips.

“Hi,” Max greets him with a coy smile. “You are early.”

“In fact, I’m right on time,” David says with a soft expression. “The traffic was good.”

“Good,” Max steps back and turns his attention at the pile of dirty laundry at his feet. “Christine usually does this but she is busy with her commissions and I want to help her,” Max says eyeing the clothes with suspicion. “I don’t have any idea about what is going on here. She gave me a lot of instructions and I am afraid if I just throw everything on the machine at once she will know it and skin me.”

David laughs through his nose. “She will probably know if you do this,” he agrees. “She is very good with clothes after all.”

“She said something about colors and whites? And here I thought white was a color too,” he frowns and lightly kicks the pile on the floor.

“Don’t worry, I can help you,” David says already kneeling on the floor to put the white clothes in a separate pile. “The whites need hot water and usually take more time to wash, while the colors go with cold water and wash faster,” he explains.

Max hums, a neutral sound that just indicates that he is paying attention. Regardless, he kneels by David’s side and starts to separate the clothes with him. Once they have all the clothes sorted out David takes the white clothes to one of the machines and dumps them there. Max watches over his shoulder as he sets the machine to the right temperature and adds soap and softener to the correct places.

“Thanks, David,” Max says, rubbing the back of his neck. David can’t resist and does the same, running his hand on the shaved hair on Max’s nape. It is still soft and nice. Max shivers a little.

“So, how was your weekend?” David asks when Max sits up on the machine. David leans on the dryer beside it and Max is just high enough to rest his face on David’s shoulder like this.

“Tiresome,” Max says. “Chris is a nasty dance teacher, she is super excited with the new performance. Sadly, I and the other guys are paying for it.”

“Other guys?” David tilts his head a little.

“Yeah, Chris and I are not the only performers at the bar,” Max says. “I thought you had seen them on that first night.”

Oh yeah, now David remembers them vaguely. A group of four or five men had danced with Christine on that first night; Max was one of them but David has no idea about the others. Much of that first night has become a blur in David’s memory. The shock of finding Max was strong and their first interaction wasn’t very good. David remembers Gwen, and the distress from earlier rises again.

“Oh, yeah, I remember,” he says with a squeaky voice. His spine goes rigid and too straight, his shoulders tense and Max, whose head is resting on it, notices immediately.

“Are you okay?” Max asks with a deep frown.

“Ah, yes, I okay,” David says without much coherency.

Max leans away and looks at him directly on the eyes. “You look kinda pale? I mean, more than normal?”

“I just… Say, do you remember that Gwen was the one who took me to the bar on that first night?”

The apparent change of topic takes Max by surprise. He furrows his eyebrows a little but nods anyway. “Yeah, what of it?”

“Don’t you think it is curious that we’ve only met again because of her?”

“I still think it is curious that Gwen would be in a place like the Bowl,” he shrugs. “But she does she, I guess.”

“Well, she likes trying new places,” David says, his voice still strained, a forced cheer on it that sounds particularly bad on him. “She is very open-minded, you know? And she always tries to see from other people’s perspectives, and to understand the other side of the story…”

“Why are you saying this?” Max’s voice is full of suspicion.

“Because she is a good person,” David’s face twists in a mix of shame and pain, all pretense of cheerfulness gone. “And she cares about you and deserves to meet you…”

Max is staring at him with a deep frown and David shuts up with a choked sound. They look at each other for a long moment, the noise of the washing machine working is deafening on the still air. Max’s face is set in stone, eyes narrow and lips tight. After a long moment, David can’t sustain his stare anymore; he turns his face a little and that’s when Max’s face crumbles.

“You’ve already told her,” Max says slowly, disbelief plain on his face. “It asked you not to and you did.”

“Max, I am so sorry!” David says quickly, he turns around so he can stay right in front of the younger man. “I am so, so sorry but she was crying and I despaired and I told her.”

“What the fuck, David?!” Max hops of the machine and stares at David with so much hurt and hatred in his eyes that David feels very small despite the many inches he has over Max. “You didn’t have this right! I thought you liked me, I thought you respected me!”

“I do! I do like you a lot, and I respect you but it was a difficult situation,” David explains, tears silently welling up in his eyes. “She is dealing with a missing child on her work and she was devastated and it slipped. I swear I didn’t plan on telling her, it was an accident!”

Max’s own eyes seem to shine with tears but his entire face is completely frozen in a pained frown.

“Go away, David,” he says with simplicity.

“Please, Max, talk to me,” David begs, his lip quivering as he tries to hold back tears. “Please, let me explain.”

“David, we are in a public place,” Max says with a forced calm that makes all his muscles tense. “I don’t want to make a scene because Christine and I need to come to this fucking place every week and I don’t want to make a bad reputation here.”

“So come to my house later,” David begs. “Let’s talk when we’re calmer. I can make dinner and we can figure…”

“No,” Max interrupts him with such emphasis that the girl sitting on the other side of the room looks up from her magazine to them. “Go away now. I don’t want to see you again.”

“Please…”

Max turns his back to David, eyes obstinately fixed on the opposite wall. David means to touch him, to turn his around and hug him and beg for forgiveness, but he doesn’t. He might have betrayed Max’s trust but he cares and respects him and he won’t touch the young man when he clearly wants David gone.

“I am sorry,” he says softly. “I know what I did was wrong and I am so, so sorry. If you ever forgive me… I… I was happy to have you again in my life and I will always want you here. So, if you think there is a chance…”

“David!” Max’s voice is garbled, and he sniffs a little as he speaks through his tears. “Go away, please.”

Check this chapter on AO3.