#would love to write more words today after last night’s fucking like 7 paragraph word dump about selina Kyle being embarrassing about Barbie

[godblooded]

good morning little gay people in my phone.

[solarwonux]

Payment Due! || Jeon Wonwoo (6/7)

Pairing: Camboy!Wonwoo x f!reader || sex worker au!

w.c: 10.1k (I’m sorry lolol)

Genre: 18+ smut, fluff, angst

Warnings: angst, smut, mentions of weed and axe body spray (yes this is a warning) teasing LOTS OF IT, mentions of sexting, a bet, smut, suggestive, oral (f receiving), fingering, cum eating, penetrative sex, semi-protected sex, slight cum play, mentions of squirting.  

Synopsis: HYBE U one of the top highly prestigious universities in the country. A shithole, a total money making scam that liked to sucked the life out of its students. Not being able to meet the funds to pay for your tuition your best friend lets you in a little secret. A way he’s been keeping afloat for years now, easy money. The problem is you want in.

Note: Hello everyone, thank you so much for being so patient with me these last two weeks. Payment Due! is coming to an end and I’m a little sad but also happy, but I’ll get more into that when I upload the last part/epilogue next week and the ending ment (hopefully I can get it up in time) This was one of my fav chapters to write tbh. (I feel like I say that for all the chapters I’ve written lmao) ANYWAY, enjoy, let me know your thoughts please and thank you.xxxxx

Masterlist || prev || next

You look beautiful today ;)

The butterflies in your stomach erupt the second you read Wonwoo’s text and instantly you look up at him. Your bright eyes find his hiding behind his new black frames. A little part of you dies, paying your kind respects to his round specs. The fantasy of them sliding off his nose while he’s in between your legs, dies with it. Buried deep in the confinements of his bedside drawer, while you conjure up a new fantasy, one that involves his new dark frames and it makes your body heat up. 

New glasses? I like them, miss the other ones though :(

You set your phone down, returning your attention to the screen of your laptop. The word document sitting untouched as you tried to come up with a new topic sentence for your final paragraph.

Graduation was a week away. Three days to be exact, so not really a week away, but that’s what it felt like. Staying away from Wonwoo was a lot harder than you thought. Everything reminded you of him, from the stray cat you found on your way home from work on a Saturday night - in which of course you named her Lilac after Wonwoo’s favorite flower - to the One Direction song Joshua showed you when you slept over last week. 

It was driving you insane, especially because Jeonghan loved to remind you how stupid the two of you were being. 

“If you guys want to fuck, just fuck. Stop beating around the bush it’s giving me blue balls and I have sex with my boyfriends at least two times a week.” He drunkenly stated after four margaritas’s a month ago when you had gone over for margarita night. A national holiday only Joshua, Seungcheol, Jeonghan, and Maya celebrated. 

“Yeah, dude, I’ve been waiting for the moment Wonwoo stops being stupid for years and I’m met with this.” Maya, grumbles blowing out air, making the strands of her fiery red hair that had fallen over her right eye take flight only for it to land against the tip of her nose again. “I say we make a bet on who makes the first move. By the end of this week, they’ll be at it like rabbits.” She lifts her glass, proposing the toast, making the three men yell out their predictions. 

Little did they know Wonwoo and you had been texting minimally every day, with the added naughty sext. You had never once made the actual effort to take nudes. But ever since Jeonghan’s Nude 101 lecture, you had started too. And damn, did it turn you on beyond belief. Most nights, if neither of you were slumped with final assignments, projects, or papers. The two of you would spend a good portion of it teasing one another, through tiny blue chat bubbles. It would start innocently, like now. Only for it to increase into slightly more suggestive statements. Until you nor Wonwoo could take it anymore. 

One moment you’d be giggling against the pillow fortes on your bed, and then the next your hand would sneakily make its way down your pants. Imagining his fingers. Repeating the dirty words he had texted you in your head while you imagined him doing everything he said he would do to you. 

Needless to say, those were the best orgasms you had ever been able to give yourself. And you were damn good at pleasing yourself. But the relentless push and pull had the two of you on your toes. Counting down the days until graduation. Until he got to buy you your favorite meal at the diner, already on the house because Maya wanted to see her ship finally sail. 

Three days, that’s all you needed to wait. Three days and two nights. But with the way, Wonwoo looked now. New black frames, tight workout shirt, sitting slightly below his belly button, showing off the silver barbells, the ridges of his abdomen, and his biceps. His cargo pants hanging low on his hips, the band of his black underwear peeking through. By the show of his smirk, you could tell he did this on purpose. Spent an extra hour in front of his bathroom mirror, trying on outfits like a teenage girl getting ready to impress her crush on the first day of junior year of high school. You knew he purposely visited the cafe, ordered his usual black coffee with one pump of chocolate syrup because he knew you would be sitting there working on your final assignment that was due on Saturday morning, an hour before the graduation ceremony. 

This wasn’t fair. 

Just then, before you could spiral further into the gutter your phone rings. Quickly, almost embarrassingly too quick you pick it up. An insignificant frown appears on your face when it’s Jeonghan’s name on your phone screen and not Wonwoo’s. 

No contact for two months? Did Cheol win? Pls, I can’t lose, my reputation is on the line. !!!

You roll your eyes and place your phone down, screen down, and look up. Both Wonwoo and Jeonghan are looking in your direction. Jeonghan with a suspicious glint behind his tired eyes. His hand protruded with Wonwoo’s drink, slightly annoyed because he was holding up the line. He clears his throat, making Wonwoo jump, his hungry eyes leave you and for the first time in a while, you feel completely naked now that he isn't looking at you anymore. 

They both exchange a few words. Jeonghan’s arms crossed, eyebrows furrowed in determination and you know he’s interrogating Wonwoo which makes you groan in annoyance. Your newfound friends seem to have trouble minding their own business. For weeks now they have been secretly meeting up, every Wednesday after Jeonghan’s closing shift in one of the classrooms along the hallways connected to the Campus Cafe. Their sole purpose is to discuss anything related to the bet they had going on.

Joshua had lost a long time ago along with Maya. Their bets fell through when even after a week you and Wonwoo had respectively kept your distance. Seungcheol had a day left to win and Jeonghan was heavily convinced the two of you would make it to Saturday morning. He claimed because after only knowing you for a short period of time, your self-control was stronger than anyone he had ever known.  

In other words, your competitive spirit wouldn’t let you give in, no matter how much you really really really wanted to. 

The only reason you knew about these secret debriefing meetings was because yesterday they dragged Yoongi into them. Maya had supposedly seduced him into a classroom while he was passing by only to be interrogated - his exact words - by the four menaces you had grown to love. Apparently, they needed his quiet brooding expertise, because he was the least suspicious person they knew. 

Little did they know that Yoongi sitting with you during his break and gifting you a strawberry milkshake only made him more suspicious. To add on he asked about your love life. That was the most he had ever said to you, except for your name every time he announced that your drink was ready. And the, have a lovely day that accompanied it every time you took it from his hand. 

Yoongi confessed and apologized after five minutes and the second sip of your drink. Not a second later you were marching up to the counter, thanking your angels that it wasn’t rush hour and the cafe was empty. Except for you, a few other stressed-out students typing furiously on their laptop keyboards. That would’ve been you if you weren’t busy sharing the colorful vocabulary you had adapted while growing up to Jeonghan’s face. 

His glare towards Yoongi was deadly, mumbling a quiet, I should’ve never trusted the weakling, underneath his breath. That earned him a hard flick against his forehead from you, making him apologize to his coworker not a moment later. 

It was an eventful first two hours. You still had one more before your last class of the day, which was roughly an hour and fifteen minutes long, and finally you’d be home. Underneath your bedspread, hopefully sharing a dirty exchange with Wonwoo before bed. 

In hindsight, if you were to tell your friends what was really going on behind the scenes, Minghao would have won a long ass time ago. He wasn’t there when the bet was finalized, but unknowingly Maya had told him. When you clocked in for your shift, the first thing Minghao had told you was that you and Wonwoo wouldn’t last three days without talking to one another. And it had happened exactly like that. Both you and Wonwoo had sworn to secrecy. Changing your names on each other’s phones to not attract any suspicions just in case either of you decided to start your teasing earlier than usual and in the presence of others.  

It was fun not giving in to your friends' antics. Seeing all five of them, now six with the addition of Yoongi made it all the more exciting. And now you were determined not to lose.

He just wanted to remind me of his brother’s birthday tomorrow. 

You finally reply to Jeonghan. Wonwoo now walking to the double doors that connected the hallway of classrooms, double-checking to see if anyone was looking before blowing you a kiss and mouthing that he would text you tonight. You don’t get enough time to respond as inconspicuously as possible because the text tone of your phone makes you jump.

I’ll let it slide but if I find out that I lost a month's worth of einstein bagels, you’re losing your free coffee privileges forever!!!!!!!

Befriending Jeonghan was the greatest and worst thing you have ever done. 

The mailroom was only a small overcrowded room next to the laundry room on the first floor. If it didn’t smell like cheap detergent from the convenience store down the street. It smelled like the aging metal and sweat, sometimes weed if you were lucky. 

This is where you spent your Friday nights, instead of going out. Somehow a month into your not talking to each other but talking to each other, deal; getting the mail at the same time, on the same day every week had become a part of your routine. 

“We aren’t supposed to talk to each other.” You say, inserting the key to your mailbox, opening it and grabbing the stack of mail you purposely let pile up for Friday’s. 

Wonwoo stands next to you copying your movements. “We have one day left.” He rolls his eyes, closing his mailbox. “And that’s not what your text was suggesting earlier.” He side-eyes you, leaning his shoulder against the metal mailboxes, slyly going through his mail. Prolonging the few minutes he has with you.

 “Oh, my cousin is getting married, want to be my date?” He grabs the cream-colored envelope in his fingers and turns it so it’s facing you. 

You smile, closing your mailbox and picking up the same cream-colored envelope, and showing it to him. “Have to see, I might be busy attending my boyfriend’s cousin's wedding.” You shrug, taking your key out of the lock. “I think he’ll be okay with me going with my best friend.” You send him a wink and walk towards the door. 

The yellow light of the overhead lamp flickers. It almost leaves the two of you in complete darkness and that’s something you definitely want to avoid. There was only a day left. And you weren’t about to break your shitty abstinence streak, here, in the mailroom that smells like weed and cool ocean axe body spray.

Wonwoo, though, has other ideas. He’s close to tipping over the iceberg. More so now that you indirectly referred to him as your boyfriend, when he had done a shitty job of asking you to be his through a voice note while he was in mid-orgasm. Your response was a voice note of you laughing - the melodic laugh he hadn’t had the privilege of hearing in person for almost two months made his stomach jump, only for it to plummet into the deep ocean when you declined. He sat there frayed, cum covering his chest, putting a damper on the sweet high he had just experienced. He didn’t answer for what seemed like an hour but really, only five minutes had gone by. 

The next text he got from you, was your promise of a definite yes on graduation night. It weaved the disappointment and sadness away as it was replaced with more impatience. His eagerness kept him up all night that day. The next day Maya made fun of his eye bags under the bright fluorescent lights of the lab classroom. 

He didn’t talk to her for the full two hours, which only made her teasing worse. 

Wonwoo should’ve never introduced her to Jeonghan. Now he had a second Jeonghan in female form making his life miserable every Tuesday and Thursday afternoon from two to four. 

“Wait a few more minutes.” He rushes, taking long strides and closing the door to the mailroom. The impact shakes the overhead lamp and finally after months of hanging on by a literal thread it goes out. Leaving the two of you in complete darkness. 

Your breathing hitches, lodges itself in the back of your throat, “Wonwoo.” The single word, his name, was the only thing you could get out. Even though it's only a faint whisper, as his body basically traps you in. Instantly you forget about all the smells of the small room, basking in the comfort of Wonwoo’s cologne. His hand is still on the doorknob, his other clenching and unclenching by his side. 

“Just one kiss and I’ll let you go.” He whispers, bringing his face down. You could feel his breath against your neck and you curse yourself while thanking yourself for wearing your hair up instead of down. “Please, I’ll be good, just one kiss.” His lips hover above your skin, his warm breath fanning it, delicately kissing it. 

You swallow, closing your eyes. It was tempting. Everything about Wonwoo was tempting, to the way he purposely chose to wear a crop top today, showing off the metal stud adorning his belly button. To the sweet messages, he sent you every night before bed. Paragraphs recounting loving memories of the two of you that he would never let go of. Or essays of the things he loved most about you. Every night was something new and it only made your heart for him grow in size. 

One day you’ll be able to see yourself from his point of view and understand why he thought the world of you. And you couldn’t wait. 

“And let Jeonghan win, he’s so serious about this. I bet he has spies everywhere we go.” You joke, swallowing thickly before turning around and placing your hand on his chest. It sends a shaking jolt through your body, almost knocking you down and giving in. But you are stronger than this, you spent almost a decade hiding your romantic feelings and sexual attraction towards him. You could wait one day. 

“Tomorrow, I’ll give you all the kisses you want and more.” You tilt your head, tapping your fingers against his chest. He bites his bottom lip and sighs, letting go of the doorknob, and steps back, taking his comforting aura and smell with him. 

Finally, you could breathe again. 

“After tomorrow I’m never letting you go.” He stuffs his hands in the pocket of his sweats, pushing them further down, leaving very little to your ever-present imagination. “You go up first before I change my mind and take you against the wall.” 

“I think having sex on camera again is something I don’t want to do for a while or probably ever.” You point at the security camera in the corner of the room. The red light flickering, indicating that it was indeed working. “That Mingyu dude finally got the message and stopped dming me on Instagram.” 

“You could’ve just blocked him.” Wonwoo sighs. 

“And have him make more accounts? I don’t think so.” You shake your head, “Plus he’s cute and used to let me cheat off him in our college math course a couple of years ago.” 

Wonwoo rolls his eyes and closes the distance between the two of you again. This time not caring about a camera or a bet or the fact that he was already semi-hard, and circles his arms around your waist reeling you in. “He’s cute?” His jealousy seeps through and he feels ashamed. Only a little. 

“Calm down baby boy, you know I only want you.” You giggle and push him away again, making him drop his hands. “I’m going now, stay, if you follow me I’ll let front desk Kyle know that you watched The Lord of the Rings series last week.” 

“That’s cruel. You know he won’t shut up about it if you get him talking. He’s worse than apartment 203 Kyle every time a new Avengers movie comes out.” He whines, stomping his foot on the ground childishly. 

You smile, reaching behind and opening the door. “Then you know not to follow me.” 

He nods, stepping back until he hits the metal mailboxes, the single overhead light starts flickering again, slowly bringing the room back to life. “I’ll miss you.” 

You don’t answer, instead, you blow him a kiss and walk out. Years ago, back when you were fifteen, after a disastrous date and messy inexperienced make-out session with the boy in the mailroom, you swore that being with Wonwoo wasn’t what the universe wanted. Now a decade later, a bachelor’s degree and a master’s degree a day away, you were more than positive that this is what the universe wanted. 

You and Wonwoo together, until the end of time because truthfully the only person you saw yourself ever being with was him.

“Our little girls are growing up.” Seungcheol fake sobs into Joshua’s neck as Jeonghan took a picture of you and Maya in your graduation gowns.

In just two months Maya and you had grown closer and closer. The two of you spent every waking moment together. Sometimes you even visited the diner she worked at, sat in your usual booth doing your assignments, while she kept the unlimited fries - a specialty of the said diner - coming. 

This was only after she approached you one afternoon in the hallway on your way home from class. Kindly, she introduced herself and apologized for what had happened at the bookstore. Then you invited her to get coffee and the minute the two of you got talking about anything and everything, you couldn’t stop. She told you about how Wonwoo never shuts up about you and how she has this overpowering crush on her co-worker; Soonyoung. 

Tonight she plans on asking him out. She says he’s too focused on his Environment Conservation degree and the decreasing population of tigers to notice any of her advancement. “Shut up, you’re worse than my actual dad and he’s non-existent.” Maya spits out, joking, earning a pointed look from Seungcheol. Every time Maya made a joke about her dad or lack of a dad, Seungcheol always got mad. He says self-deprecating jokes aren’t allowed in the family and that she shouldn’t joke about such a thing because it made him feel bad. 

In typical Maya fashion, she ignores him. 

“My mom’s already inside with Wonwoo’s parents, they’re saving you all a seat.” You bud in before the start of another argument. An argument only a father and a daughter would have. Maya didn’t have a dad but she sure had Seungcheol and that was enough. 

“One more picture please.” Joshua begs, pushing his boyfriend away, “With all three of us, our first family picture.” 

“Not a family picture until Wonwoo gets here though and we’re missing Yoongi and Hao,” Jeonghan grumbles. Upset that he had officially lost the bet. He would’ve won if Wonwoo and you decided to carpool to the venue like the two of you originally planned, but he was running late so you decided to just go with Maya. 

“Fine, then let’s take a partial family picture and when we finally open the restaurant next week, we’ll take another one.” Joshua combat’s, his snarky tone goes unnoticed, making Seungcheol huff out and Jeonghan rolls his eyes. 

Despite only knowing the four of them for two months you had quickly picked up on some of their habits. Whenever Joshua was nervous his sarcasm would increase, almost coming across as rude. But you understood where his nerves were coming from, this was the first time and most public event the three of them attended as boyfriends since officializing their relationship. Though no one on the outside of your friend group would know, it was still enough for his nerves to spiral out of control. 

“Can we make it quick, I want to get a good seat?” Maya speaks up, fixing her tassel. You would think after doing this three times, the direction of the tassel before the ceremony would be ingrained into your brains. But neither you nor Maya knew. Opting to google it as your last option. 

Tassels go on the right side until their degrees are conferred, then moved to the left.

According to the small box of text that appeared at the top beyond the search. Still, the two of you were unsure until Seungcheol fixed them after picking the two of you up from your apartment. 

“Let’s wait for loverboy. He just texted me saying he’s parked.” Jeonghan pipes in, turning his phone around, showing off the short text from Pornsite Loverboy, no doubt Wonwoo. Joshua groans, running a hand through his hair. Every time someone surrounding all of you turns their head for a minuscule second, he starts to silently panic again, making his need to go inside away from prying eyes grow significantly.  

Seungcheol places a comforting hand on his shoulder squeezing it gently, making his eyes bulge out of their sockets. The touch is innocent, but in Joshua’s head, it's not. Every time he’s in this state he can’t stop his mind from entering the gutter. 

“I’m scared to know what my name is on your phone.” You point out, shifting from side to side. Decided, wearing heels was the worst idea you could have possibly had today, you hadn’t been standing for long and your feet were already threatening to fall off. 

“It’s Princess of Idiocy of course and Maya is Flaming Hot Cheetos cause you know her hair.” He shrugs, shoving his phone into the pocket of his jeans. Maya steps forward, her fist in the air but before she could land her punch. Wonwoo screams, causing all five of you to turn your attention to him. Maya’s attack is gone but certainly not forgotten. Knowing her she was already planning her revenge in her head. 

The air in your lungs gets caught in the back of your throat as your eyes finally find Wonwoo’s. He’s running faster than you have ever seen him run. His graduation gown open, showing off his white dress shirt and black slacks. You have to literally pinch your arm to keep yourself from drooling. His hair is styled to perfection with a few strands falling over his left eye. You’re left wondering how it hasn’t moved a centimeter when he finally stops in front of your friend group, smiling wildly. 

You have half a mind to completely skip graduation, it wasn’t like you were going to get your diploma right away. HYBE kept it hostage for another eight weeks. So would it even matter to cut your celebration with your family short just to get a head start on the private one you and Wonwoo have had scheduled for two months? You were more than positive that sitting next to him for two hours, listening to a bunch of bullshit speeches about how the future's looking bright for all graduates would be impossible. Especially when he literally looked good enough to eat. 

“Great, now that half of us are here, let’s take this picture. My feet are killing me.” Maya claps her hand, making you jump, taking you out of your thoughts.

“Hello to you too.” Wonwoo chuckles, zipping up his gown, turning to face you. “Help me.” He says extending his hand with his graduation cap to you. You nod and swallow, taking it from his hand, repeating right first then left as you fix his tassel and place it onto his head. Mourning the loss of his perfectly styled hair, jealous that the stupid cap was the one to ruin it and not you. 

“There, you look good.” You whisper, taking a step back. 

“Thanks, so do you, beautiful.” He smiles and stands next to you, placing his arm around your waist, and pulling you in. “I’m proud of you, we did it!” He whispers in your ear and leaves a gentle kiss against your temple. 

Jeonghan watches the entire scene, raising his brows in suspicion. “You two look awfully too comfortable for not talking for two months.” He crosses his arms in front of his chest and pokes the inside of his cheek with the tip of his tongue. 

“Oh they’ve been sexting,” Maya says, standing next to you, circling your waist in a side hug. Wonwoo sends her a glare and she sticks out her tongue at him like a child. “Sorry, but I wasn’t going to miss out on the look of Jeonghan’s face when he found out.” She says pointing at the blonde who was recently sporting a shorter haircut. His mouth opened in shock as he looked between you and Wonwoo. 

Offended he puts a hand over his heart. “The two of you have been lying to me?” 

“We didn’t want any of you to win.” 

“Correction, she didn’t want any of you to win. I was ready to give in a week into our deal.” Wonwoo points out, smirking. You scoff, hitting his chest lightly. 

Jeonghan stands up straight, his smile widens, and pushes his hair back, “I don’t care honestly, I just know everyone here has to pay up, especially you two” He points two of his fingers between you and Wonwoo. “I’ll expect the payment by tonight.” He finishes, skipping happily to Wonwoo's side and wrapping his arms around his shoulders. Even though he hadn’t won something inside of you told you that he was going to get his way one way or another. 

“So here’s the thing I also expect to be the best man at your wedding too because let’s face it without me you love birds wouldn’t be together.” 

You roll your eyes, leaning slightly forward, “Hannie we aren’t together.” 

“Yet, she means we aren’t together yet.” Wonwoo buds in, pulling your body closer to his. “By the end of tonight, you’ll be mine.” He whispers in your ear, the same voice he used for his streams, sending a chill down your spine. 

“If we’re the last ones to walk across that stage, I’m blaming all of you,” Maya says, pinching both yours and Wonwoo’s arm, making the two of you hiss out in pain. 

“Alright alright, let’s take this picture before Maya has a conniption.” Seungcheol chimes standing next to Jeonghan, giving him a kiss on the cheek making the blonde blush deeply. 

The five of you wait, watching Joshua go up to an older lady, with bright Fuschia-colored lipstick and hands her his camera. They share a few words, using his charm and good looks to lure her in. You watch as they hug before Joshua is running and standing next to Seungcheol, his arm immediately going around his waist like second nature. 

“On three, say, family,” Jeonghan yells, while the lady starts her countdown. You smile, hugging Wonwoo’s waist. Instead of doing as Jeonghan says, you lean up and kiss his cheek as soon as the camera goes off. 

“Oh, I-” Wonwoo says, a rose-colored hue decorating his cheeks. He looks down, trying to hide how flustered he is, making you laugh loudly, while the rest of your friends try to figure out what happened. You won’t tell them until Joshua sends his film to develop and though the picture wasn’t complete. It would be one the two of you would cherish for the rest of your lives. 

Wonwoo couldn’t keep his hands to himself for more than five minutes. During the whole two-hour ceremony, his arm was either around your waist, shoulders, or simply resting on your lap. Squeezing it every time he heard something he liked. His own special way to keep himself from forgetting it. 

When it was finally time to receive your diploma; a blank sheet of paper that gave off the illusion to the spectators. He held your hand the entire time, fingers locked tightly with yours until you had to walk across the stage, shake hands with a bunch of different people you only heard off, not actually seen. 

But as soon as the two of you were back to your seats, he was touching you again. 

It gave you butterflies, to feel him so close to you but not to the point it would be deemed inappropriate. His touches were intimate but innocent and no one batted an eyelash when his touch found yours again. 

His parents and your mom seemed to just know what was going on because they didn’t even question his attachment to you once. Not during the post-ceremony photoshoot with family in front of the huge university sign. Not even during dinner when he insisted on sharing a plate with you. Not even when he fed you a forkful of pasta and sealed it with a cheeky peck on your lips. It was like they were waiting for the moment in which you and Wonwoo got together, again. But with the reaction to their newfound discovery being so anticlimactic you suspected they were just waiting until the two of you finally came to your senses. 

And you did. 

You suspected they were more proud of you and Wonwoo finishing graduate school. Even more so when Wonwoo promised to someday go back for a Ph.D. in which you most certainly declined the idea immediately. They didn’t care about whatever was going on between the two of you. At least that’s what they kept bragging about to whoever they saw on the street or the waiter at the fancy restaurant they picked out to celebrate. 

Still, it gave you a sense of security that no one was freaking out as you had imagined it. Everything was so normal, so easy that it almost scared you to the point of running away. Was love supposed to be this easy? Did you make the right decision? Will this be your utter downfall instead of your success? You almost wished you had declined the dinner reservation and just gone to Jeonghan’s place instead. Bottomless mojitos were his promise, and it was so tempting. Honestly, you would’ve given in if it weren’t for the sparkle of pride behind your mom and Wonwoo’s parents’ eyes. 

In a way, they were your kryptonite. 

Wonwoo saw your distress as soon as the dessert was placed down in the middle of the table. He held your hand tightly underneath the table and kissed your cheek before handing you a spoon. After the chocolate cake had basically disappeared, he made it his mission to get the two of you out of there as fast as possible. Before either, his mom or your mom stopped playing coy and started asking questions that neither of you really had the answer to. 

He succeeded, both of you said your goodbyes as quickly as possible before exiting the restaurant and practically dragging you to his car. 

The entire car ride was silent. One of his Spotify playlists playing through his car speakers. It felt nice like it used to feel but this time the two of you were connected on a much deeper level. A plane where the two of you simultaneously existed as not only best friends but lovers. It was like a dream come true. And even though you were slightly scared to take this life-altering step with him, you were still excited to see how beautiful it was going to turn out. 

“My place or yours?” He turns the volume dial down, succumbing the entire car in silence. He’s slowing down, making his way to his designated parking spot. That’s when the nerves start to build up in the pit of your stomach. Tonight had the possibility of going both ways and you didn’t have a preference. You really just wanted to be with him and him only. 

“Yours, I didn’t clean up before leaving.” You smile, unbuckling your seatbelt, while he puts his car in park, turning the ignition off. He chuckles and turns to face you, resting his elbow in the middle console and leaning forward. His fingers find your chin, turning your head gently to face him. 

“I’ve seen your place in worse states.” He leans in, stopping centimeters away from your lips. Your breath hitches. Your eyes struggle to find a point of focus and they don’t. Not even when he closes the distance and kisses you gently. He doesn’t give you enough time to process everything before he’s pulling away, resting his forehead against your own. “Let’s go since you’ve chosen my place. I can give you your surprise early.” 

“Surprise?” You say taken back. Wonwoo hums, sits back, and nods his head. He takes his car keys out of the ignition before opening his door. “I didn’t get you anything though.” You pout, opening your door and getting out. Once you're standing the discomfort in your feet begins again and you find yourself wondering why you choose to not only wear heels but the most uncomfortable pair that you own. 

Beauty is pain, but is it really worth a bunch of disgusting blisters? You decide no. 

“Didn’t have to, just being with you is enough for me.” 

All you know is that if Wonwoo didn’t want you entering his apartment before getting the chance to blindfold you. He shouldn’t have made the code to his apartment your birthdate.  

“Stop being so pouty, I love it.” You circle your arms around his waist, resting your cheek against his back. “Is this why you were late?” You let your hands travel up his torso, playing with the top button of his dress shirt. 

His whole apartment was decorated to the nines. The light was dim, rose petals scattered everywhere, creating a heart in the middle of his living room right where his couch should be. Instead, it was pushed against the wall where his gaming setup used to be along with the coffee table. 

Will You Be My Girlfriend?

Carefully drawn out on a large poster board and you know it was Minghao’s doing. As much as you think highly of Wonwoo, his art skills weren’t the best. You still loved every part of it that you didn’t want to move from your spot at the entrance of his place in fear of ruining it. 

“Yes, I was triple-checking everything.” He sighs, moving his arm so it's over your shoulder, and turns his body. “So, will you?” He whispers, playing with the thin straps of your baby blue mini dress. 

“I would love to be your girlfriend Wonwoo.” 

A deep sigh of relief escapes Wonwoo making you giggle at how nervous he was. The anticipation of waiting for your answer in the last few seconds was enough to drive him crazy. Enough to make him forget the entire speech he had planned out and the velvet box sitting nicely, burning a hole in the pocket of his slacks. 

He stumbles, creating a small space between the two of you before taking it out and popping the lid open, making your eyes grow wide. A simple silver ring, with a rainbow opal gemstone and a cluster of three tiny diamonds on each side, looks up at you. “Wonwoo wha-”

He shakes his head, placing his index finger over your lips. “Before you freak out, it’s a promise ring. We’ve been in each other’s lives for so long that honestly, I don’t see myself living a life without you in it. I want to marry you one day, have kids with you, and eventually grow old with you. Retire to a silent beach town complaining about how much our joints hurt all day.” He takes a deep breath, “I love you, I’ve loved you for so long whether it was platonic at first or not, I don’t know and I don’t care because what matters is you here with me right now. So with this ring I promise to get to know you in every way shape or form. I promise to be your shoulder to cry on and be your number one supporter in whatever you choose to do in life. I promise to encourage you to love yourself unconditionally, to believe in yourself, and to trust yourself. I promise to love you and treat you the way you deserve. I promise to let you be you and to grow with you. And I promise to one day make you mine in front of your friends and family.” He finishes, holding out the ring to you, nervously searching your eyes in hopes he didn’t just royally fuck up and taken a step too far. 

Which would’ve been reasonable, the two of you had agreed to take it slow. This was far from slow. In fact, this was the second before reaching the finish line and for a moment when he sees the single tear fall down your cheek, he wishes he could take it back. But that thought is soon buried deep deep deep into the crevices of his brain when your lips crash onto his. 

He doesn’t kiss you back at first, floored at your boldness and lack of words. Then your hands grab hold of his shirt, pulling him closer, your lips molding onto his and he finally kisses you back. It’s full of passion, sparks flying between the two of you as you start to unbutton his shirt. Wonwoo panics and pulls away, desperate to slip the ring onto the ring finger of your right hand to finally solidify his promise to you.

“Baby wait, let me put the ring on you before I lose it.” He says gasping for breath. The kiss was nothing like he had ever experienced before. It literally took the air away from his lungs and he was struggling, trying to find a way to put it back in. Maybe he shouldn’t have gotten rid of that inhaler. His asthma wasn’t as bad as it used to be so really he had no need to have one on deck. That is until now. 

“Oh right.” You click your tongue, extending your left hand out to him, wiggling your fingers. 

“Other hand.” He says pushing away your left hand and grabbing your right one, making you raise an eyebrow at him. He ignores you, focused, his tongue swiping across his bottom lip as he takes the ring out of the velvet box, closing the lid and throwing it somewhere behind him. He decides he’ll worry about that later. 

With the utmost careful precision, he slides the ring onto your finger, sighing happily when it fits perfectly. “It’s perfect, promise me you won’t ever take it off.” He pouts, hugging you tightly, almost cutting off your airflow.

“I won’t, I love it so much.” You smile, leaving a peck against his chin. “But I do have one question.” 

“I might have an answer for you.” He teases. 

“Why my right hand and not my left hand?” You pull away enough to look at him. 

A smirk appears on his face before looking at you. “It’s reserved for the other ring I bought for you, but I can’t give it to you yet.” 

“Can you help me take my heels off?”

Wonwoo shakes his head, his dress shirt now unbuttoned, showing off his toned chest and the faint love bites you left behind after a heavy make-out session in his living room. You take your bottom lip in between your lips as he kneels in front of you. 

“Next time you’re leaving them on.” He takes your right heel, unbuckling it. He slips it off, sets it behind him, and attaches his lips to your ankle, kissing your leg. When he reaches the inside of your thigh he bites down, making you gasp. Chuckling he swipes his tongue over his bite, sucks on it gently before sitting back on his calves. His thumbs rub circles around your thighs, pushing up the hem of your dress. 

“I’ll make sure to wear comfortable heels next time.” You wink, lifting your left foot up, and placing it over his shoulder. Eyes filled with lust he turns his face and kisses over the strap of your heel, unbuckling it and slipping it off. He repeats his actions on your leg, smirking against your skin when you let out a tiny moan the second he sinks his teeth into the flesh of your inner thigh. Sneaking his hands underneath your ass, finally exposing your underwear to him.

He sucks in a breath, your arousal seeping through the thin material, making him salivate. “Can I touch you?” His eyes are hooded with pleasure, peeking over the black frames of his glasses. He doesn’t stop to hear your answer. Attaching his lips to the skin of your thighs, sucking, alternating between the two of them. 

Your hand makes its way through his hair, pulling him close, craving to feel the heat of his mouth on you. “Yes, please Woo I want this so bad.” You hiss, voice masked with need. 

“Lay down for me baby girl.” He whispers against your skin, giving your thigh one last kiss before sitting up, placing a hand against your mound, and pushing you down gently. He licks his lips, placing both of your legs over his shoulders. He sits up on his knees, connecting his lips with the band of your underwear, making you gasp. One of his fingers, ghosts over your clothed slit, teasing you further. 

Wonwoo lets out a short laugh when you start lifting your hips, chasing his hand. “Slow baby, I want to take tonight slow. Devour you until you can’t feel anything else but my touch all over your skin.” He whispers, taking the band of your panties in between his teeth, pulling it, and letting it go, enjoying the way it bounces against your skin. “What do you want?” 

“Anything, your fingers, your mouth, your cock. I don’t care, I just want you, Woo.” You sigh, back bowing off his bed when slides his fingers up and down your clothed slit. A satisfied hum leaves his lips as he takes your panties off with his teeth, moaning when the thin layer reveals you to him completely. 

The prickles of your short pubes tickle his nose. You smell so nice, look so beautiful. He has to fight everything in his body, telling him to grab his polaroid to take a picture. There are enough days in his life with you in all the positions he desires to see you in, where he can take as many pictures as he wants. Right now, he needs to taste you so bad that he feels like a starved man. 

“So beautiful my love, I never want you to change anything about you.” He states, pulling off your panties completely and throwing them behind him. “Never change anything about this.” He says, delicately running his fingers over the soft coarse hair decorating and protecting your cunt. 

You take a deep breath, “I didn’t shave, I'm sorry.” You mumble. Wonwoo shakes his head and brings his hand down against your thigh. The slap isn’t hard but it’s enough to make you gasp out in shock. Quickly you sit up on your elbows, his brows furrowed in a scowl. 

“Don’t apologize. I honestly don’t care, it makes you sexier.” He leans down kissing the hood of your clit. “If it were up to me I’d never let you shave.” He mumbles, running two of his fingers up your slit, earning a moan from you. 

“Your fingers are cold.” You lay down again, using your legs to pull him closer. 

“I have a few ideas on how I can warm them up.” He says, prodding your entrance with the tip of his finger. “Want to find out?” He pushes in, smirking at the tiny whines escaping your mouth. 

“God, yes please.” You gasp when he pushes his finger in completely, your warm walls welcoming him. It feels so good, better than your own fingers and he hasn’t even moved yet. He lets you adjust to the light stretch. If this was already driving you insane you couldn’t begin to imagine how good it would feel once his cock was in you, stretching you out into oblivion. The thought turns your brain into mush.

“Woo, move please.” You whimper. 

Wonwoo smirks and starts thrusting his finger, slowly, looking for that sweet spot inside you that will have you screaming his name all night long if he does everything right. “Move a little more to the right, you’re almost there.” You gasp, bucking your hips when he follows your instructions and finds your g-spot. Wonwoo massages it, memorizing the location so that the next time he has no trouble when looking for it. 

“Does it feel good? Talk to me, baby girl.” He moves his finger a bit faster, connects his lips to the mound of pussy, leaving behind open-mouthed kisses before pulling away. He gathers a glob of spit in his mouth and drops it onto your clit, moaning as it slowly moves down your pussy, his free fingers spreading his saliva and your arousal all over your lips and clit. 

“Oh my-yes. Want your mouth please.” You breathe out, your hands fisting his navy blue duvet, his thumb gently circling over your clit. 

“I bet you taste so good.” He swipes his tongue over your cunt, his finger inside of you pauses for a second as he moans, letting your essence coat his taste buds. Immediately he concludes that he could spend hours in between your legs pleasing you. He wraps his lips over your clit and sucks, moving his finger inside of you again, quickly finding your g-spot again and prodding at it gently. 

The pleasure is overwhelming, but it feels so good you never want it to stop. And silently, without letting too much guilt seep in you curse your previous boyfriends and past hook-ups for depriving you of such pleasure. 

Though maybe it was for the better. Wonwoo being the first one to go down on you, putting your pleasure above his own has ruined it for anyone else that will never come after him. Now he’s ultimately stuck with you forever, knowing that his mouth can do more than just offer comforting words, awful jokes, and philosophical quotes. 

Wonwoo is moaning loudly against you, making you whimper, your hips rotating, grinding yourself against him, pushing him further. It’s embarrassing how close you are to orgasm. Usually, it takes a lot more effort on your part to get you to that sweet high. But here is Wonwoo defying all laws of physics, with his vile menstruations that you’re so close to the edge. 

He pulls his mouth away. Only to circle his tongue over your clit and insert another of his fingers inside of you. The ‘come-hither’ motion against your g-spot makes you twitch. He grabs one of your hands, lacing his fingers with yours, and rests it on top of your stomach. It catches your attention, distracting you from the orgasm building up in the pit of your stomach. Just for a second because the second your eyes meet his watchful gaze your moaning his name loudly, letting go.

Wonwoo moans against you, the vibration runs all along your body as he helps you ride out your orgasms, slurping up your release. You taste even better than before and he has to talk himself out of giving you another orgasm with just his mouth. Unless he wants to cum untouched and in his pants, so he pulls away, taking his fingers out. He gently spreads around your release, groaning as you twitch from the overstimulation before standing up, using his mouth to clean up his fingers. 

You look up at him through hooded eyes, breathing heavily and communicating silently. With enough strength you sit up, bringing the rest of your dress over your head and throwing it off to the side. It leaves you completely bare for him. Which of course he knew, the entire time he was with you eating dinner, he couldn’t get the fact that your dress was backless and wearing a bra wouldn’t be ideal. Except seeing his imagination come to life again - this wasn’t the first time seeing you naked - made his cock twitch he had to turn around to keep himself from cumming. 

You laugh. 

“Give me a second baby.” He takes a deep breath, tugging his shirt off, letting it drop to the floor in a feather-like manner. His back muscles make you wetter than what you already were. Images of them contracting every time he thrusts his cock inside of you run wild in your head and embarrassingly you let out a moan. 

Wonwoo turns around, his wide eyes match yours. “Sorry, you’re just sexy.” You cross your legs in front of you and lean over, avoiding his eye contact. 

“Back at you.” He laughs, unbuckling his belt and popping the button of his pants. “Scoot up, lay against the pillows.” He takes his pants off, along with his boxers. You bite your lip to keep yourself from laughing as he hops, trying to keep his balance as he takes his pants off completely and throws them somewhere in his room. He takes a deep breath, placing both of his hands on his hips. 

The laugh that had bubbled up in the back of your throat, runs past your lips faster than you can stop it, earning a glare from him. You roll over onto your side laughing, making him whine. “Stop laughing, I’m trying to have sex with you.” He gets a hold of your hips and lays you down again, settling in between your legs. 

“I’m sorry Woo but that was the least sexiest thing you have ever done.” You sit up, hooking your arms around his neck, kissing the tip of his nose. He scrunches it up, setting his hands on both sides of your hips. 

“Open my drawer.” He smiles, leaving a chaste kiss on your lips, and sits back on his thighs. He wraps his hand around his hard cock, rubbing the bead of precum over his head, spitting, wetting himself even further. You groan, watching him. Wonwoo touching himself was something you would never get tired of. The few streams he left uploaded on his camming account were your biggest companions when Wonwoo wasn’t texting you absolute filth. 

One day you’ll confess to your sin, but not today. So you follow his instructions, lean over and open his bedside drawer. “Grab the lube and condom.” He hisses, running his thumb over the slit of his cock. The sticky residue coats the tip of his finger and once you’re laying down with a condom and half-empty bottle of lube. He brings it up to your lips. You stick your tongue out, wrapping your lips over his finger, groaning. 

“How do I taste?” He smirks, taking the bottle of lube, uncapping it, and squirting a decent amount over your pussy. 

“So good, I want you to fuck my mouth.” You groan as he spreads around the watery substance over your pussy. He chuckles, wiping his hand on his bedsheets, before taking the foil packet and opening it with his teeth. 

“I can arrange that.” He says, rolling the condom over his hard cock, tugging it a few times before tapping the head of his cock against your clit, moving down your lips a few times before aligning himself at your entrance. 

You whimper, “Please, Wonwoo. Fuck me.” You plead. 

“I’ve imagined you saying that for years.” He confesses, pushing in slowly. “It sounds better in person.” 

“Woo- fuck, I-I love you but stop talking.” 

“I’m nervous, I talk when I’m nervous. You know that.” He leans over your body, pushing himself in, bottoming out. He closes his eyes tightly. The feeling of your soft, velvety walls engulfing him is overwhelming. He prays that he can keep himself from cumming earlier than he intends to, but you feel so good he thinks it’s nearly impossible. 

“Don’t move yet.” You whisper, wrapping your arms around his torso. 

“I don’t think I can.” He replies, kissing you. 

It’s gentle at first, both of you whimpering against each other's lips, pleasure building up between the two of you without much effort. Wonwoo feels his self-control come back and gives you an experimental thrust, making you gasp. He groans, inserting his tongue in your mouth, kissing you harder with more intention. 

The fire burns hot between the two of you as he lets go of all his fear and starts to move his hips with desire. Neither of you should’ve waited as long as you did to give yourselves to one another. It feels like you wasted years when you could’ve been having mind-blowing sex with the person you love most in the world. But now that the opportunity had presented itself so nicely, neither of you wanted it to stop. 

“B-Baby hold on.” You place a hand against his chest. He stops his relentless thrusts, panic painted all over his perfect features. You smile, pushing up his glasses that were sliding down his nose, before hooking your leg around his waist. The slight shift made the head of his cock press right against your g-spot. He feels it too when you clench around him, understanding why you stopped him. 

He had so much to learn about your body. Deciding that he will dedicate the rest of his life to finding out different ways to make you come. 

He will start tomorrow, right now all he wants is this. 

“You’re sucking me in, baby.” He pants, pushing his cock into you harder, groaning. He feels so high, on cloud nine, and never wants to come down. Decides that he can live here, buried deep inside of you forever, and be satisfied. 

“Touch my clit, Woo.” You whine, lifting your hips up from the bed, meeting his thrusts midway. He was so big and hard. The stretch was blissful and you never wanted it to stop, even with your orgasm approaching fast and unapologetically. “I’m close.” 

“Me too, I never cum this fast.” He says, circling his thumb over your clit, drawing fast figure eights making you moan. You sound so beautiful. Your wet pussy sounds so beautiful, squelching around his hard cock. He needs to feel you closer than he already does, so he moves a hand underneath your back, sits back on his calves, and helps you sit up. 

You cry out his name, his cock is pressed so deep inside of you, you can feel him everywhere in your body. You roll your hips, throwing your head back. The pit of your stomach gets tight, you're so close Wonwoo can tell. It motivates him to go fast, his thumb pressed against your clit hard and he’s fucking up into you, determined and cautious. Each trust hitting that mushy spot inside of you. It makes you yell. 

“Let go baby girl, I’m so close. Your pussy feels like heaven.” He mulls, wrapping his lips around your nipple and pulling at it gently. The newly added sensation is enough and it sends you over the edge with a loud mantra of his name. It’s a sight he never wants to forget, he engraves into his mind while he helps you ride out your high. 

Wonwoo lays you down again, takes his cock out, and quickly removes his condom, throwing it aside. He leans over you, the tip of his cock just above your belly button as he fucks his hand, repeating your name like it’s the only word he knows. He tugs once more, keeping his eyes on you as he releases. Ropes of cum coat your stomach, his own masterpiece he wishes he could display in a museum. 

When he finally finishes riding out his high and flops down next to you, his legs tangled up in yours. Shyly, you take your finger, taking a bit of his cum and plopping it into your mouth. Wonwoo moans, placing a hand on your cheek, guiding you to his lips. He kisses you hard, both of you moaning at the taste of his seed against your tongue. So he pulls away slightly, picks up more of his cum, coats your lips, and kisses you again, slowly, savoring every second of it. 

You pull away first, panting, moving your tongue across your lips moaning. “I want you to fuck my mouth, Woo.” You run your tongue over his lips, before kissing him again. Wonwoo moans against your lips, pulls you closer, his body against yours. He doesn’t care that his cum is now creating a mess between your bodies. All he wants is to be close to you forever. 

He lays down bringing you on top of him before pulling away again. “Give me five minutes and I promise I’ll fill up that pretty mouth with my cum.” He taps your chin, resting his forehead against yours. 

“I can’t wait.” 

“Careful love.” Wonwoo holds the door to the diner open with his foot. His hand is on your lower back as he guides you inside. This was your idea. Two more rounds, and a quick shower later. You begged him to take you to get M&M pancakes as he had promised two months ago. 

“Wonwoo, stop worrying, I’m not broken, you just fucked me good. I can still walk.” You joke. He rolls his eyes and guides you down the long line of vacant booths. Until he reaches your usual one and helps you sit down before he takes his seat in front of you. He does this on purpose. His libido wasn’t as high as it was in his early twenties, but that theory was immediately thrown out the window when he made you squirt with just his fingers before your shower. 

Now he needs to keep his distance to prevent any inappropriate touches between the two of you. 

“Maya!” You yell, looking around the isolated diner. It’s funny how the last time you sat here, Wonwoo and you had masturbated together in front of a camera, your emotions all over the place. Gaslighting yourself into thinking that what you felt for the boy in front of you was all because he had helped you orgasm. Unaware that that was just the opening to the very real emotions you felt for one another. 

The tables sure had turned. 

“She’s working tonight?” Wonwoo cocks his head to the side, mindlessly folding the paper menu, strategically placed in front of him. 

You nod, “She took too many days off last month because of finals so her boss told her she either works or leaves.” You shrug, tapping your fingers against the surface of the table. “Maya my lovely, beautiful, flaming redhead I want the pancakes you promised me!” You yell again, looking over the bar. 

Wonwoo chuckles and places a hand over yours. “You turn mean after sex.” 

“No, I turn mean when pe-” 

You’re cut off by something falling and breaking behind the bar. You jump and stand up as quickly as possible, Wonwoo following suit. Before you can approach the bar, Maya comes barging through the kitchen door, hair disheveled lipstick smudged. Behind her Soonyoung comes out, shirt on backward, pants unbuttoned. 

You and Wonwoo laugh, making the other couple groan in annoyance. 

“Babe it looks like I wasn’t the only one getting my back blown out tonight.” You wink at Maya who rolls her eyes, brushing you off. 

“Shut up or I’ll make you pay for all the free shit I gave you.” 

“Go ahead.” You eye Wonwoo, sending him a kiss. “I got money to spare.”

[btsinspirationtakesme]

Prompt: “I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees”

Description: Fuckboi! Jungkook who quotes all your literature faves and more strikes the fandom (part three).

AN: I am taking prompts, they can be 1-2 lines and you can send me separate OC profiles too!

Previous 

AN: WARNING- SMUT in this chapter!

“Ahhh come on Cali, we were about to go places and now you’re with Kim fucking Taehyung?” Jungkook teased looking Taehyung up and down. The girl, Cali and Taehyung groping each other were broken up now, because Taehyung caught you as he briefly opened his eyes and felt a surge of guilt up his body. Then his eyes also widened seeing Jungkook smirk something in your ear, causing you to see red. The girl Jungkook was kissing when you first found them looked distraught, as if she had spent so much energy on him for Jungkook to find her with someone else so quickly. Her eyes were cast down, and you were slightly uncomfortable with how much of a hold he seemed to have on her. 

“We don’t have time for this, come on Tae.” You said, dragging him by the collar of his shirt, trying to get out of Jungkook saying anything else that was smart ass. Taehyung was giving Jungkook a death glare as you pulled on his collar, and Jungkook scoffed from behind again. 

“We’re going home, now. “ You said, giving Taehyung a glare as you texted Miranda that you’d be going home because you didn’t want Taehyung to go for another rebound, only for his constant cycle of heartbreak to continue. You didn’t bother looking back to Jungkook, because you were quite frankly- sick of him and his games. 

“I thought you’d find me, but you didn’t.” Taehyund said trying to justify himself. 

“What- were you up there with him?”He then asked as you two exited Hoseok’s house. A disgusted expression took hold on his face. You explained to him what happened, and Taehyung groaned. 

“I’m going to have to watch out for you.” He sighed. You hated to admit it, but maybe Taehyung would have to watch,  which was certainly a reversal of how it worked when it came to you two. You gave him the pep talks to stop going after the wrong people, not the other way around. Maybe this was karma trying to give you a shot of your own medicine for being too harsh on your friends. 

“Come on, you owe me $20 for pizza.” You said walking to your house, avoiding the conversation even more because thinking about it would only cause of restlessness. 

_____________________________________________________________________

Friday night, 8.45pm. 

No one, and you meant it- no one would come to the library after 7 on a Friday night, unless they had a deadline due for the rare Saturday submissions. Sadly, you did. The essay you were writing for English lit class was on the use of different accents in literature and your supervisor thought he would be nice and hand you a Saturday deadline. You were finished with the essay, but the process of last minute edits could be draining and you wanted to get it done before the very last minute. 

You were currently in your zone, a flask of earl grey tea ready to keep you going as you sat where your favourite study table was. You had classic music in your earbuds to get you through the last hurdles, and you were feeling stressed but in your element. It was a nice distraction from the boy who had been plaguing your mind all week. You thought he would quit with the cocky grins by now, but he showed no sign of backing down. You hoped he enjoyed disappointment, because you were always, clearly unimpressed with a scowl on your face. You wondered about what it was he wanted exactly, and if he would leave you alone if you gave it to him. Everything was a conquest for Jungkook, from what Taehyung had told you over pizza and a movie last week. 

“Everything for him is like a game, but he gets bored easily. Here’s what you should do- if it gets too bad, just give him what he wants and he’ll move on. It’s Jungkook, this stuff works 99% of the time. But you just have to make sure you don’t catch any feelings.” 

Taehyung’s word’s were easier said than done, and they inspired your imagination to go wild with thoughts about Jungkook any time you were alone, or trying to sleep in your bed…the bed that he had sex on. You managed to think more and more about him, like why he was such a fuckboy and why he acted like God’s greatest thing on earth, and you were often left sleepless. 

A thump on the table made you glance up casually, someone had probably decided to join you so you didn’t think about it and went back to your work typing away. You did a double take because the person sitting down looked familiar- just when you thought your night was about to go smoothly, the devil that had been in the back of your mind sauntered down without a word. 

You contemplated what do to. Should you move? But that would just tell him you’re scared of him, and give him more satisfaction. Should you just go home? You were really just wanting some peace and quiet for your final drafting. 

You were deliberating for around ten minutes, when you noticed that actually- Jungkook was mute. You glanced back at him up again, set up with his mac in front of him and a file of notes. He looked focused, but pulled at his hair whilst narrowing his eyes reading something on his mac. Stressed, clearly. Maybe you didn’t have to move, but his sudden lack of action towards you made you feel suspicious. 

There had to be something up his sleeve. 

“What’s a good word for ‘in another way?” He asked, meeting your eyes. You felt caught in headlights. You were expecting a fight, a tease, anything to get you riled up. 

You opened your mouth, but words failed to come out. You just didn’t…know how to be civil with Jungkook. But also, why should you? He’s the one harassing you, and now he joins you in the library, by your favourite spot and asks about his essay in a casual way? 

“C-conversely.” You said, because the way his eyes were actually serious and his face neutral threw you off. It was like you saw a rare version of Jungkook. One that you didn’t know, or know exist at all. 

“Thanks.” He said smiling at you briefly, before going back to typing. Wasn’t this the weirdest situation? All you ever knew was how to fight with him. What even threw you off more was to see him here, in front of you…working. Jungkook never even took notes in class. 

It started distracting you, so you went back to focusing on your own essay. 

“How many words are you on?” His voice interrupted you from your final edits on your last paragraph. What should you do? Tell him it’s not any of his business, or just be a normal person?

“None of your business.” 

Jungkook looked up from his screen, raising his eyebrows. 

“Aren’t we feeling like sunshine today, princess?” He sighed in defeat, going back to his screen.  You did what you did best with Jungkook, and ignored him. The situation you were in was way too strange for your liking, and that was probably why you were taking glances at him every now and again. You breathed out in frustration, if he wasn’t Jungkook but someone you had just come across, you would have been distracted in all the right ways. The way he looked when he focused, no wonder girls went crazy over him. He looked unreal, effortlessly compelling in his fitted black sweater. Too bad he was bad news. 

“I know you’re thinking about it. “ Jungkook interrupted you, never flinching away from his screen or his typing. He was biting his lip in concentration. You were startled, he looked so focused on his screen that it didn’t even appear to you he’d notice you. 

“I have eyes everywhere, princess and I especially know when someone’s thinking about me…perk of  being irresistible.” He said casually. 

“Or chronically egoistic.” You shot back, slamming your laptop cover down since you were more or less done. Looking at him further would distract you. You packed everything up but Jungkook now was looking at you, arms crossed as he leaned back on the chair. 

“But Y/N…our date’s only just begun.” He whined. 

You rolled your eyes.  

“Isn’t that what girls like you love though? Meet me at the library by the science section kind of thing…then you have hot nerdy sex in the closet or something.” 

Hot nerdy sex?

“I was hoping to do something like that.” He smiled lightly. 

Something clicked inside you. There had to be a reason why he was like this, so inconsiderate and invasive. Was it a disease? Was it a personality disorder? Your curious side took over, and you decided to confront the issue head on. 

“What do you want, Jungkook?” You said, sitting down right next to him like you meant business. 

He cocked his head to the side, his signature smirk on his face as he sent you a look that was drawing you in and you hated every bit of it. He looked so good. 

“I want to fuck you… I can see you want me too. So let’s just fuck.” He said slowly, emphasising his words seductively. 

“ I don’t just fuck people Jungkook.” You countered. 

“And what makes you think I want you? Haven’t you noticed how I avoid you?” You then said, pointing out the obvious. 

“No, but I’ve noticed how you get flustered every time I’m around you. Your body practically sings.” His close leaning sent shivers down your spine. 

“If you’re worried about feelings, don’t be. I don’t get feelings, of any sort…but you might. But I’ll make sure you don’t.” He said, a soft look in his eyes that you wondered about. How many times had he softened his eyes to unfortunate girls?

“Just think about it Y/N, seriously.” He said, eyes determined to get you to agree. “It’s just sex.” He added, like it was the most obviously un problematic thing in the world. It was to most people, right? But there was something that made you want to avoid him at any chance you got, and also be with him as your dreams about Jungkook would show. Did you want him? Yes, but you would never, ever admit it, even to yourself. 

“Enjoy disappointment.” You said, a plastic smile on your face getting up. Jungkook exhaled in annoyance, but didn’t say anything this time as you left him there along in the library. You had enough of your assignment and couldn’t deal with him, so took yourself home to have a relaxing evening with your house mates. 

“Y/N! We thought you weren’t even coming home tonight, we’re going to a party and you’re coming!” Maddy announced as soon as you put your keys on the living room table. 

“I really just wanted to watch a movie…” You said, but a party didn’t sound too bad considering your assignment was out of the way and it was pretty refreshing to not have to think about it. 

“We can have a movie night tomorrow, Park Jimin is going to be there and I’ve been dying to meet him!” She said, nearly bouncing up and down. Ah, Park Jimin was Maddy’s ultimate crush, who she always admired from afar but never really had the courage to speak to because to quote Maddy- he had a ‘regal’ aura about him that she found it hard to approach. You really knew little about him, but he was in a few of your classes last year. You did know though, that if Maddy was invited to a party Park Jimin was at- she’d drag you along with her anyhow because she’d freeze up at the opportunity to speak to him. 

“I don’t have a choice do I?” You asked.

“Not really, not get your ass upstairs and change now.” Maddy smiled sweetly, pushing you upstairs already. 

“For a nerd you really don’t look like a nerd.” Maddy said, after you had gotten dressed in a short black dress that showed off your legs well. You sighed. 

“Is that supposed to be a compliment Maddy?”

“I mean, you quote Shakespeare in your sleep when you’re stressed so you’re a nerd, but you’re kind of a cute nerd. No wonder Jeon Jungkook is obsessed with you.” 

You stopped in your tracks. 

“What do you mean about Jeon Jungkook being ‘obsessed’ with me?” 

“Haven’t you noticed? He looks for you, literally. He asked me if I knew where you’d be today after Chem class.” Maddy said shrugging, “I mean, fair play Y/N. Jeon Jungkook- who doesn’t want a piece of that.” Maddy winked. 

You rolled your eyes. “Maddy, this type of behaviour just boosts his ego. He’s trying to get me in bed with him because he probably has a kink he wants to fill out, but if I just want a ‘piece’ of him I’ve just helped reduce him to a  slab of meat, and that’s not good for my perception or for his.” You said, trying to explain why it was wrong for Maddy to think Jungkook was a ‘piece’ of something to have. He might look and act like a piece, but surely there had to be more to him since he quoted lines from literature off by heart. 

Maddy looked at you blankly. “This is why you need to go out more.” She said sighing, and interlocked her arms with you as you both headed out to the party Park Jimin would be at. 

The party was hosted not too far from your house, and both Maddy and you quickly took to mingling with everyone else. You were currently in a ‘riveting’ conversation with Jackson, a junior on the baseball team about the history of baseball when Maddy tugged on your arm. Thank goodness, you thought. 

“He’s here.” She whispered, which meant Jimin had arrived. You cast your eyes around the room to find him, a good looking blonde smiling as he made his way across the room. He swept his hair back and you were about to giggle from how cliche the whole look was, but your smile faltered seeing Jungkook saunter next to him, clearly done with his essay as you left him at the library.  Of course, you thought. Of course Jimin and Jungkook would run in the same circle. 

“Quick- say hi to Jungkook, you know him!” Maddy pleaded, her eyes desparate. 

“No, he won’t stop bothering me if I do.” You retorted back, about to turn your back so Jungkook certainly wouldn’t be able to see you. 

“That’s not a bad thing! Please, I won’t drag you out for the next two months.” She said urgently. The thought of being able to not be dragged out in the cold to parties you rather wouldn’t be at tempted you, and the look on Maddy’s face certainly told you she wasn’t lying. 

You looked out and directly to Jungkook, who like a magnet, sensed that your eyes were on him as he found you. Faking a smile, you waved your hands signalling for him to come over. Confusion took hold of his features, before a poker face as he made his way over- Park Jimin in tow. 

“Jungkook! How are you doing?” You asked, but you could tell the fake happiness in your voice was obvious. Jungkook, cocked his head and Jimin looked at him strangely- looking for an explanation. 

“Do I know you?” He asked, probably aware that there was an ulterior motive as he glanced at Maddy, practically buzzing because Park Jimin was here. God, she was obvious. There had to be a way to get them to talk. 

“It’s a shame if you don’t…I wanted to take you up on your offer earlier.” You said boldly, throwing Jungkook off. Jimin nudged Jungkook with a look, and finally looked to Maddy somewhat disinterested but Maddy instantly perked up. 

Jungkook looked you up and down, and felt himself harden at the sight of you dressed so sinfully tempting. Your innocent face told another story, and that was what Jungkook was obsessed with. He just had to have you to be able to move on, you were a fixation that needed to be met. 

He didn’t say anything and just took your hand, leaving Jimin and Maddy together. Yes, you thought. Mission accomplished. It would now be up to Maddy to make her next move, but as a friend you had done your part. As soon as you were out of their sight you removed your hand from Jungkook. 

“ I just needed Maddy and Jimin alone.” You said. 

“But you made a promise.” Jungkook whined, and you would have rolled your eyes if it didn’t register to you how sexy his low moan was. Jungkook knew he caught you at the right time. 

“You’re going to take me up on the little offer I gave you.” He said, wrapping his hands around your sides and pulling you closer. The touch of his hands on your body was another experience, freaking you out with how effortless the action was and how your body practically sang towards him. 

“Dance with me.” He said, as the music simmered down slowly. You were reluctant, but figured taking up more time wth him would allow Jimin and Maddy time. 

“I don’t dance.” You said, lying but still putting your hands around the back of his neck. You were known to dance to world music in your room in the mornings. 

“You don’t dance, don’t fuck- what else don’t you do?” He sighed, but there was a playful edge to his voice as he sensed you were maybe lying. 

“I don’t usually stay this close to people like you.” You said as he started swaying your bodies together. 

“Really? Your body says something else.” Jungkook said disinterested before pressing your core to his. His hardness pressed into you, and Jungkook lowered his head to your ear. “I’m imagining how you’d look underneath me right now.” He whispered, putting your body on a high alerted edge. “That dress you’re wearing is absolutely sinful, I didn’t think you’d own stuff like it. Why’d you wear it, Y/N?” He asked, pushing himself into you and you gasped. The movement was swift and hot, a classic Jungkook move if you didn’t know better. 

“If you just fuck me, will you leave me alone?” You ask, sick of the effect he was having on your body and realising he would leave you alone if you just gave into your desires, and his. 

Jungkook sighed in delight, “You’ll be begging for more but I’ll be long gone. Think of it like a…parting gift from my minute obsession with you.” He said, eyes laced with seriousness. 

“You’re delirious and disturbed.” You said, and wanted to tell him how you were going to agree but Jungkook’s eyes darkened even further as he pressed his lips to yours all of a sudden, clearly he thought he’d gotten the golden signal. 

“Fuck, princess.” He said, breathing strongly as he kissed you. He took control of your hips, pressing them further into his jeans. You broke the kiss off quickly, “Upstairs.” You said, and Jungkook smirked in delight seeing as he had finally gotten what he wanted. It didn’t take more than a minute for him to take you upstairs and find an empty room that was available. 

“I wanted you from the moment i saw you all mouthy at your little party, that was so fucking hot.”He said, pushing you against the bed and assaulting your neck with a peppered stream of kisses. There was nothing delicate and light about Jungkook, his control made you wet as you saw him flex his muscles throwing you on the bed. 

“Just fuck me already, I don’t have time for your shit.” You said in defiance, causing Jungkook to bite down on your cloth covered nipple. You yelped out in brief moan that was followed by pain. What was happening to you? Jungkook looked up at you through his lashes, a smirk telling you he was basking in every moment. 

“All the things i could do with this body.” He said, grinning. In a flurry, both your clothes ended up on the floor as you both touched each other like you had been deprived of sex. You first look at Jungkook’s body left you void of all logic, this just had to be pure unfiltered need that you were facing. He was muscular and lean, no wonder people salivated over him. Everything about his screamed fuck. Your eyes darkened themselves in raw need. 

‘Are you clean?” You breathed out, as Jungkook was assaulting your neck with bites that made your mind buzz. 

“I haven’t had sex with anyone since your party.” He said, a little frustrated with the revelation more to himself, he tried to fuck you out of his brain but it didn’t work which made him want you more. He now moved up to your throat drinking you in like a madman. You let out a moan as he hit a sensitive spot, causing Jungkook to smirk in realisation. 

His hand had travelled down your body, and he sighed with how glorious he found you. 

“So fucking sinful.” He growled. 

“How wet are you, Y/N?” He asked, teasing your entrance. You were mewling by now, beyond the point of caring as you completely let yourself go. 

“Please, Jungkook.” You whined, writhing beneath his touch. You knew what was coming next- Jungkook was getting off from your needy little moans. 

“Please, just fuck me.” 

He pushed his fingers all the way inside you bit down on your clavicle at the same time. 

“Fuck! Please Jungkook, please, please fuck me.” 

“Such a needy, slutty sound coming from your innocent mouth.” He said teasing, dragging his fingers in and out of you. 

“Ah you’re so tight, princess! Are you even ready to be fucked?” He growled, bringing you closer to the edge. The feeling inside was driving you crazy, you were writhing underneath him, on an overload of Jungkook who you hated yet were also were drinking in like a delicious poison. 

“If you don’t I’ll get someone else to make me cum!” You threatened, on the verge of tears as Jungkook teased his pace whilst you were ready to just burst. 

“Shh...patient. I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees.” He whispered in your ear, and you were planning on just turning him over and riding him out  but now you burned with fury: his fingers were only just teasing you when he whispered in your ear but in an instant you lost all composure and came. 

Jungkook’s quote of Pablo Neruda, who you swore you had your first sexual awakening over had made a full turn with the fuck as hot fuck boy who had you pinned under him, whispering poetic literature in your ear. 

“Fuck, Y/N. You’re gushing babe.” Jungkook chuckled. 

“Or should I say blossoming.” He mused, winking as you came down from your euphoric high. You would have needed a moment to recover, but his cockiness needed to be fucked out of him, or so you decided. 

Turning over so now Jungkook was pinned under you, you both ended up kissing in a fight for dominance and power. This time, you were determined to come out on top and you did- Jungkook reluctantly letting go and enamoured by how sexy it was to find you so determined. He was ready to bust, seeing you above him with your hair cascading down your breasts and face glowing from the orgasm that he gave you stirred something in him. It was foreign but Jungkook pushed it back, the main event of the party was yet to start. 

“Are you just going to sit on me, babe? Or are we going to-fuck.” You stopped him saying anymore shit by just sinking down on him harshly, but Jungkook seemed to bask in the sensory overload biting his lip- and that look would stay etched on your mind forever because it made you shiver in more want. How could that even be possible?

“Fuck, Y/N!” You started moving your hips, and Jungkook pressed down on your hips with his hands moving you along. The movements were surprisingly swift, like it wasn’t someone you had just had sex with for the first time but was a matured affair, where you knew every hidden depth of each others body. 

It freaked you out slightly, but you pushed it back into your mind. It must have just been the result of two very domineering people having sex. You eventually lost track of time, because you didn’t want the sex to end. Jungkook slowed your hips down, before speeding them up with one look at you and slowed you down again- it was like a violin that was being played. You were all too happy to be that violin, because Jungkook managed to play your body effortlessly. 

“You haven’t been fucked in so long Y/N, you should have just came to me. I would have treated your body the way it deserves.” Jungkook’s voice in your ear was making you delirious. You couldn’t stop touching him as you started to crave the full feeling of him inside you. 

You were far gone beyond verbal comprehension, which is what made Jungkook totally crazy seeing his effect on you. He continued with his sweet whisperings, edging you on more an more. 

Jungkook and you both came at the same time, Jungkook muttering a stream of profanities to edge you to the top. This time having the chance to watch him as he came made you treasure the sight; what you had felt with the fuckboy extraordinaire made you feel sorry, or empathy for all the girls he had haunted in bed before. There was a reason why they kept on coming back- he was so good. You figured he must quote literature to all the girls he slept with, and it was no wonder they ended up so into him. They all wanted more, but he refused- or so the story went with Jungkook. 

After you came down from your high, the calamity of what happened weighed down on you too. You thought, or were certain that you would feel relief. You knew the sex wouldn’t disappoint, but you also knew that this would mean the end of Jungkook’s un restrained attention to you. 

Congratulations, Y/N. You had just become another notch on Jungkook’s bedpost. You had no reason but to act normal, like this was something you expected and there was nothing more going on. You shouldn’t have to think about what you would have wanted nothing more than to do- which was to...just lay there with him, but you weren’t going to prove Jungkook right when he said you’d want him even more. 

“Thanks, I see why they call you Jung-cock.” You said, faking a wink as you put on your bra and dress after you were both done. 

Jungkook on the other hand, was having a crisis. He expected, or if not knew- that the instant he came inside you, one fantasy of his would be fulfilled. Ticked, checked off the box. He wanted to just fuck the cute nerdy girl that looked busy in her books. Sure you had a sassy mouth and a brain to match and that was a bonus to not make the process so numbing, so why was it when you winked at him…Jungkook still wanted to reply with some sarcastic comment to see you get riled up again? No, he should just be able to say a simple ‘nice one babe’ and move on to whatever else he was going to do. 

No, why was it that as he saw you putting on your dress and shoes he wanted to literally, take you back and ask you to…warm him up because it was suddenly fucking freezing and your face when it smiled was like a ray of sunshine...and he wanted to count the nearly invisible freckles on the right side of your cheek?

You had just finished putting your dress on properly, when you threw Jungkook’s shirt at him to find him deep in thought. He looked ravishing to you, freshly fucked hair, strong muscular body and what you didn’t even want to think about because that would open up feelings you were sure didn’t have any place- Jungkook’s mind was sexy. But it was surely a cliche, quoting literature. Something he’d do to every girl he wanted a taste of. Sighing, you shook your head and breathed out calmly. 

Goodbye, Jungkook. You thought. 

“I’ll see you around.” You said, expecting a reply this time but was met with an unfamiliar look that you didn’t know Jungkook could have- being shook. 

“Get out.” He snarled, Jungkook didn’t know what was going through his mind. He didn’t have to think about shit like this, it wasn’t how things worked. These types of things were reserved for the novels he read in guilty pleasure- the stuff Y/N probably freaked out over. This was infuriating. He shouldn’t want to look at you, let alone feel drawn to you saying this was ‘a see you around’. Hell no. 

You on the other hand, felt some familiarity. This is what you expected of Jungkook, clearly what Taehyung had said had worked. You were just stupid, fucked out of your brains properly to think he deserved a civil good bye. 

“Ass-hat”. You muttered, leaving the room and leaving him there to probably think about his next conquest. You should be happier, you were free-er. You had successfully, countered Jeon Jungkook for good. You would both go back to your respective spheres, never having to cross again. You went back to the party, to find Maddy and Jimin hitting it off really well so you excused yourself- called a taxi and went home to a bubble bath. Jungkook didn’t leave your mind, but you were a smart girl- you knew people like him would take a while to cross your mind once and for good. 

He fucked you out, quoted the people that gave you hope and then threw you out all within the same night- what a enigma. 

The next week, you were looking forward to your literature class because it would finally mean a peaceful, class focused lesson where you and Taehyung who had said he’d switch to your class- would spend the day together after. You had a lot to tell him, and a simple text where you told him what happened wasn’t enough. 

During literature class, you were seated comfortably and kept a seat open for Taehyung, who you saw coming in and caught site of Jungkook after him but avoided looking- he wouldn’t be a bother to you anymore, even though a part of you would always feel him. You smiled at Taehyung, but it all happened to fast for your eyes and Jungkook walked straight past Taehyung and into the seat you reserved for Tae. 

He took out his laptop, silently and didn’t say a word. Taehyung’s eyes widened, and you saw him contemplating what to do and silently begged him not to- you didn’t want some sort of testosterone filled show over a seat. 

But also, you looked right into Jungkook’s eyes demanding an answer. “What the fuck is your problem?” You asked. 

You are, Jungkook thought. 

“This is called being an active learner, I’m closer to the presentation board from here.” He said as if it was the most obvious thing ever. 

“That’s where Taehyung was supposed to sit.” You said bluntly. 

Jungkook ignored your response, as Taehyung moved to sit down just behind you two. 

“Look I sat here because I wanted to ask you if you’re in some creepy ass witch cult or something, like some kapa kapa spell making sorority? What the fuck did you do to me? I get hard every time I think about you.” He said, looking genuinely frustrated. Your eyes widened in disbelief. 

“You’re deranged, if you don’t switch seats with Taehyung I’m reporting you for harassment.” You said bluntly. 

“I’m serious, there’s something wrong with you.” He said, as if it was the most obvious conclusion in the world. You soothed your temples now, frustrated yourself and annoyed. You didn’t even want to think about him anymore because you knew everytime you looked at him you’d be reminded of the best sex in your life was with an egoistic, literature quoting ass who made you come in seconds and it really wasn’t what you wanted to think about right now. 

“Something’s wrong with me?! You’re the one who thinks i’m a fucking witch!” 

“You’re insane”. You seethed, a fuzzy feeling inside you over what would happen next with him. 

“You’re in my seat, man.” Taehyung had now come to back you realising that you weren’t going to be able to sit next to Jungkook without committing grievous bodily harm. 

“We’re gonna talk about this later Y/N.” Jungkook said, looking at you one before he glared at Taehyung and got up. 

“I’m going to kill him, Tae.” You whispered as soon as they changed seats. 

Taehyung looked at you empathetically. He saw you were aggravated, but also he noticed from the back sitting down how Jungkook moved his body to you sitting down and you naturally moved towards him- you weren’t over him and that’s what made Taehyung worried. Usually you were always the one to warn Taehyung about certain people, but for once- Taehyung would have to actually look out for you. He didn’t trust Jeon Jungkook, and he thought you wouldn’t- but it was clear that Jungkook had already set his hooks inside you, and it was soon going to be difficult to unhook them. 

[cherry-o-piggy]

And old slew

posted 3/7/2021

I think my number one requirement is that you keep up, which only the mentally ill do.

What does it say about me that all my friends are ADHD?

The black boys, they pass and bob and chat to rap like it’s beat poetry in the 1960s. Here with them I am in a modern historical moment of art discovering my aesthetic and true calling. I see this after a bias worry on repeat, looking back it was not a real fear, just a humorous societal conception, and who have I ever been to subscribe to society. Me and my white girl friend out smoked them in their own home and my friend, I hugged him in front of his friends, and he walked us out of his house like a true gentleman. It was truly the part of my soul that I wanted to share in a social setting.

“You’re not in charge of me, T[redacted] is.”

It’s 10 degrees in the dark and it’s just me and my skin wrapped in tight black fabric flying up the powdered hill like I was never meant to touch the ground in the first place. It is still 10 degrees and I’m replaying everything that has ever happened like maybe I’ll get a second chance that I don’t need, but want still. The 10 degrees rummage around in my bones and all the pain this new year brought, the pain of becoming women, intertwines itself with my heart so there is no difference. The 10 degrees keep me warm, from the pit of my stomach to my chest and red cheeks. It’s enough right now.

The concept of solidarity flowed from Budimir’s lips along with sweeties and engagement, and I truly think it is the first concept I ever truly understood. I do not know respect or love or good. But I know solidarity, I know solidarity deep down in my bones and my blood and my soul. And it just goes to show, it was never me, I just never met a good teacher.

My lust still rides with you, for safe keeping.

I don’t remember what your voice sounds like anymore, I used to be able to hear it in my head.

Every man both looks like you and the man who wanted me dead.

Sometimes I am hollowed out enough that the only feeling I have is my hands and they don’t seem to bare my heart’s intentions. But it is a much deeper part of my being they represent, one I wish someone worse would fulfill for me. Pity I am the only beautiful thing.

Part of my soul is an iris in the wind.

A wealthy woman in the glass, a thesis sustaining the validity of age regression in design and mini-practice, and collections combatting change in order to hold on to something.

There was a few moments of my life where I was obsessed with the devil in the woods by the ocean and the magic I would be allowed if I could just exist somewhere beautiful to be a little odd in peace with equally passionate companionship. While the other burn outs dream of fantasy I dream of psudeo-realistic peace because I could never get there by myself, let alone with the chaos of another sentiment being.

You wouldn’t like me anymore. I’m an existentialist bc I am completely and totally unsure of myself as a concept. And it makes it immensely easier to flow along with the process of getting what I want.

In the dark the voice pokes at suicide in the highest of highest and I drown out the noise with the hope that in that grainy moment 5 guys ago you flicked away my perfect tears with your tongue and I was too intimate and vulnerable to fully feel it.

With a face this expressively cute and a brain this overwhelmingly neat I deserve a man to compliment my abundance completely.

I bet no one thinks about me at all. But that would be naive and hopeful.

If he is only supplying money as his position in your life, as soon as the money stops he no longer needs to be taken into consideration when making decisions because he is no longer a part of your life. If the only value you have is the provision of the bare necessities and no emotional connection you have no purpose after you no longer supply the means of survival because you made the decision and only did a quarter of the work needed to take responsibility for that decision.

Time isn’t who she used to be. Time used to drag and suffocate and strangle. Now Time is broad watercolor strokes to blurry, cotton eyes. I live the same day over and over with the same amount of nothing but I still do not feel the suffocation of monotonous repetition, not like I used to when I was young. I feel unfulfilled still, empty still. But it is not overwhelming. And this nothing that happens, the absolute repetition of activity happens so quickly now. Not like it used to. I feel like I’m always playing catch up. There’s never enough time, or maybe I am newly blind to her movement? Whatever the case, Time and I are strangers now, which is such a shame because I used to know her intricately, anxiously so.

Sometimes I dissolve into words, I think that’s why everything moves so fast.

I’m going to force my oddity on man and disregard everyone that has anything at all to say. I always said I was crazy, which drew extensive attention, but I no longer think that is fitting for me and who I aspire to become. I think I desire much more to be odd than to be mad. Eccentric.

A man bought me six and a half hours (after tax) worth of stuffed animals. And I haven’t even had sex with him. Fuck, that kind of feels like debt. Can I like hang out w him and like “drop” $50 somewhere he’ll eventually notice. I’ve never had to do that before, but I am willing to go that far. Actually, I did that to my GM last break (and I shouldn’t have, I deserve better compensation for my labor, but I refuse to be rude ever).

Why would I want a man that smells like wood?

Hanging out w me is like just me saying “no babies” over and over in different voices.

The feeling drips like sunflower blue syrup down my back. It feels too sharp to be harmless, but too quick to enjoy. And it leaves my chest hollow after it’s appearance. My limbs are heavy and my head is worried about the fluttering around that happened inside my chest last night, I wasn’t sure if it was death or symptoms of suffocation. My lungs just filled and I grasped my body from within my soul and when it was sufficient and neat, I dove back into the harmful thoughts of lust and the gripping behavior caused by being lonesome. This feeling doesn’t flow, it’s too stuck, it remains mine. So instead it drips.

I want to scream that I am good at what I do because a piece of me always felt that you doubted me. I am good enough that I read a love poem out loud to my high school class with the girl in the class and I didn’t get bullied for it, it didn’t scare her away, and my teacher complimented me about it. I was known by the whole high school as a writer and it wasn’t in a bad way. I used to write and edit peoples papers and I was an English tutor for middle school. My English 101 professor told me I should Publish my paper based on the three paragraphs that I wrote in twenty minutes right in front of him. I have not read a full book since sophomore year of high school and I am able to break down structures and themes of books by picking through about 30 pages, and from that I can developed a thesis, a five paragraph outline, research questions, and eventually a 6 page paper from 30 pages of a novel. I hung out with someone, read then my poetry and they were surprised that it was not cringe. Every English teacher I’ve ever had has loved me. I was already so familiar with the English language and the concept of grammar rules and their functions that I could speak in limited vocabulary sentences in Spanish when I was taking Spanish 2 (did I cry every single day, yes, but did I get an A, also yes). When I tell you I am a writer, I mean that it is my soul. It is the only reason I am alive. When I tell you I am good at what I do I mean I’m already published. Twice. I am good at what I do. So yeah, I know what a fucking genre is, bitch.

Even my abusers will tell you I’m good at what I do.

I need someone to press their soul into mine so that I am sure I have one.

Good morning honey bun 💛 I hope you have a wonderful day today and I’ll be sending good thoughts your way all day :) love you ❤️❤️

8 year old me would think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world. I remember how critical I was of other women, I remember the way I used to pick them apart in my head about all their imperfects. It’s bc I only heard those things about myself. And I’m not proud, but I was a child and I am completely different now. I remember my favorite parts about women too. I remember how I used to melt for long hair and belly button piercings and being unashamed. I am tall and wealthy and have a million expressions. 8 year old me would stare at me in the store and hope to be her, 8 year old me would love to be 17 year old me. It’s all she ever wanted. I am everything I ever wanted. I am gorgeous.

Sometimes it’s claymation filter and my body is yellow and I am ugly and when I laugh my teeth are bucked. I get so clear that I am ugly. I get so outside of my own perspective that I have never uttered my own name.

I am so self aware and violently gone and ridiculous. And I’ve been wanting this. That I thank god for planning and hard work.

I’m a slut. :) beep

[punk-rock-pixie]

1-85

1. Are looks important in a relationship?

I mean, I won’t lie and say it gives some personal points, but like I won’t date you if you’re a douche, no matter if you look good or not. 

2. Are relationships ever worth it?

I mean, you don’t NEED to be in one, but it is nice to have someone care for you

3. Are you a virgin?

yup

4. Are you in a relationship?

I am yes

5. Are you in love?

I think?

6. Are you single this year?

Well for like the first month I was

7. Can you commit to one person?

Yeah. Even if I’m polyamorous, I won’t act on it if they’re not cool with it

8. Describe your crush

They love birds and also is a witch. We love a lotta the same stuff.

9. Describe your perfect mate

A storyteller, share at least a few interests. Someone I could talk non-stop to or just become a total tree stump. They understand to a good extent how I work and put the same effort in that I do. On the superficial side, I’m partial to the more butch/masc presenting people and possibly taller. 

That being said the person I am dating is actually a few inches shorter than me lmao

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Not really, but I feel like there can be a connection, but love takes time.

11. Do you ever want to get married?

I dunno. I haven’t given it much thought.

12. Do you forgive betrayal?

Depends on the extent????

13. Do you get jealous easily?

I’m kinda jealous, but idk

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?

I mean,,,,, yeah???

15. Do you have any piercings?

Just my ears

16. Do you have any tattoos?

Nope

17. Do you like kissing in public?

Only like small pecks. I’m not much on PDA more than like hugging or hand-holding

20. Do you shower every day?

every other day

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

I should hope they do????

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

Maybe

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

I mean, duh?

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

No

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?

I’m happy with it yeah.

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

Yes

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?

Not that I know of???

28. Have you ever been cheated on?

YUP. THEY MANAGED 5 PEOPLE IN THE ONE MONTH OF DATING

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?

No

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?

I wanna make myself look more masc

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?

Oh yeah. I’m not someone to cry a lot but like?? I’ve had my days

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

mhm

33. Have you ever had sex with a man?

HHHH

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?

BUDDY

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

Most people I’ve kissed are older than me

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?

Yup. Ended poorly

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

Yup

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

Yeah. 

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

Yeah

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?

No

41. Have you had sex so far this year?

Didn’t I say I was a virgin literally in the first few questions

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

Depends on the mood I guess

43. How long was your longest relationship?

6 months and they left me for someone else

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

6???

45. How many people did you kiss in 2012/2013?

I didn’t have my first kiss until 2014

46. How many times did you have sex last year?

BOI

47. How old are you?

Old enough to have chronic back pain and complain about technology apparently.

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

I mean I’m sad, but like…. I’m not gonna try to manipulate them?

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?

They understand my emotions and are wildly compassionate. NOT TO MENTION HOW TALENTED THEY ARE AT MAKEUP AND UKULELE?

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

Maybe, but I wouldn’t really let them back into my life?

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?

I don’t think I’d do EVERYTHING for someone, but there is someone I’d do a lot for. 

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?

Some friends I dropped recently. We brought out the worst in one another, and I felt like it was time to leave and try to put more energy into other people. I don’t think the friendship was a waste of time at all. We just grew into very different people and did more fighting than being friends, and I wasn’t gonna stay in a friendship like that. 

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

So far they haven’t voiced it so??? I don’t think so?

54. Is there someone you will never forget?

Absolutely

55. Share a relationship story.

We were in a long distance thing a few years back. We started off as friends and I realized I had feelings, but we waited until the con we met at to make things official. As I was leaving he asked if he could write something about me and he wrote a full 8 pages. Additionally, at our next con, I was super sick (we didn’t know until later I had mono) and almost fainted. He stayed with me the whole time, and, even though I told him it was possible I had mono, he risked it and still kissed me. 

I don’t blame him for not having feelings for me after that. I think we rushed in and were caught up in the obsession, which lasts about 4 months. I was sure of my emotions, and he wasn’t. It’s ok. We knew what we were getting ourselves into to an extent. We’re still distant friends, I think? No hard feelings.

56. State 8 facts about your body

1. I hate it

2. It manages to put away food like it is no one’s business

3. I can wiggle my ears

4. I am very lactose intolerant and get bad stomach aches, but don’t care

5. I can crack my wrist on command

6. Somehow I can get 3 hours of sleep and still function

7. He a tired man

8. My hair and nails grow fucking fast

57. Things you want to say to an ex

Wherever you are, hope you’re doin okay. Sorry things didn’t work out

58. What are five ways to win your heart?

1. Common grounds of interests/morals

2. Be ok with my mood swings and fickleness when it comes to affection

3. Being a storyteller. I love creativity so much?

4. Passion. Someone who is passionate about something (IE hobbies, special interests, etc) is just??? really attractive????

5. I have a thing for people taller than me? Idk

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)

Check my “pixie pics” tag (and maybe like or reblog lmaooo)

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?

a year and a half???

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?

Usually eyes and their hair

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?

Being creative and make a project like inspired by me I guess? Idk. Do something unusual. Of course, I am all for cliche, but like being unusual is really cool.

63. What is your definition of “having sex”?

Consensual stimulation of sex organs? Idk

64. What is your definition of cheating?

Being with someone without you’re partner’s/partners’ knowledge and consent

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?

WHat?

66. What is your favourite roleplay?

Fuckin long-ass paragraphs STORYTELLING

67. What is your idea of the perfect date?

Like I said, I love the cliche. Take me to a museum or the park, but even like staying home (If we’ve been seeing one another for a while) and hanging out is cool too. If it’s a first date, something where we can get to talk and know one another

68. What is your sexual orientation?

Probably on the ace spectrum. As for romantic pref?? FLUID AS FUUUUCK

69. What turns you off?

Being rude???

70. What turns you on?

CREATIVITY MAN. IT IS GREAT

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?

Fuckin???? I don’t remember my dreams sometimes. Most of them are pretty tame

72. What words do you like to hear during sex?

BUDDY NEVER HAD SEX

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?

Writing a poem or song is super cute??? Or like when I’m feeling as depressed as I am now, just showing up to my house and kidnapping me for a bit for like a trip to the beach? (Shoutout to my friend Cici who has been a big help all weekend and did just that today??)

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?

Being taller than me and also eye color/hair idk. 

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

Refer to 73 where my friend Cici came to my house today WITH ROSES AND FOOD and drove me to the beach and treated me to a few hours of escapism and dinner. She’s a real one. She as well as my sister and my s/o have been helping me through this terrible month. 

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?

I stayed up all night with someone to help them through a tough time

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?

If you’re under 18 be careful. If you’re over 18 as two consenting adults, you’re pretty much fine. If you’re a pedophile, fuck right off, mate.

78. What’s your dirtiest secret?

I think I literally ate dirt as a child???

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?

A lotta my friends are getting signed on for top surgery and possible HRT, and like, I am very happy for them, and also I feel like garbage because this is something I’ve wanted for YEARS

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

I told my sister today

81. Who are five people you find attractive?

Pj Liguori, Ethan Nestor, Chris Evans, Hugh Jackman, and Amy Nelson

82. Who is the last person you hugged?

My sister

83. Who was your first kiss with?

Someone I was friends with a while ago at my first Fanime. My first real kiss was with my ex girlfriend

84. Why did your last relationship fail?

He sexually harassed his other boyfriend (I was friends with this other guy and we almost saw one another after we broke up with our ex fun fact)

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?

Yeah probably

[nostaligic88]

!I’m not sure why I’m writing this, but I feel like I have the need to do it anyway.

I have my therapy appointment tomorrow, so I want to discuss about what I’ve been through for the past two weeks for preparation. 

I want to start off with what happened today (7/27) because it affected me in a way that made cry:

I came to work ready to do my thing but we all detected Citlalli was off. It doesn’t take words to realize that. Body language is inevitable and shows what the person is feeling. But long story short, Elliot talked to us at the end about what happened. I found out that I hurt Alisha because of my tone or something else. I take full responsibility for that because that it never my intention to throw her off. But i did. But a part of me blames Citllali for starting off bad because she does not allow us to help her out. And that ticked me off because when she gets like that she literally shuts down and work becomes unpleasant and harder. I told her that but she does not apologize at all. Instead she does what she always do, walk away in a bad note with the “fuck it i quit. bye.” that’s just so unprofessional because we will see each other all again on Friday and we just want to get finish our tasks the best way we can. Leaving on a bad note doesn’t allow that for happen. I apologized to Alisha as soon as I felt guilty. She said is okay but is truly not. I just want her forgiveness... but I also forgive myself.

On our way home Elliot and I discussed about our day and other stuff and we went home on a good note. Him and I tend to discuss and talk things out because that’s just the kind of persons we are for some reason. He said interesting things and I take note of them. Things like: I should eventually talk to my mom and my brother. Things like: Im my own person with my own opinions. Things like: He went outta pocket. Things like: He definitely sees that and that has almost everything with the way he treats me with violence. Things like: he has anger problems. 

I got home. I said good night to mother. Then it was just me thinking about Citllali and Alisha....thinking about my family... thinking that I have to face them....eventually. Thinking about why am I in this position....I felt so stressed about it that I cried. Sitting on the couch, resting my head in my hands, letting my tears pour over my cheeks, I surrendered to my feelings. I was asking for help. I found myself asking for Jesus Christ to come help me because I want to keep living. I have a future and I want to be in it so come help my lord and guide me through this turbulence for I know is temporary. I did this because I have faith...for my future ya know?

I was overwhelmed at that moment of surrender. I grabbed my laptop and here I am... typing, writing about my day because I want to go to work on Friday better than I have before. Please Lord I want this. Help me. 

=----------===----------===-------=====-------====0--0-----====

Well that was today... but I want to write about one more thing. I want to write about what happened to me this, Sunday, and Monday, and Tuesday. Just facts. 

Sunday afternoon, I asked if I can ride with Edgar and his friends (nothing new) and he said yes. As I was getting ready, putting on my clothes, grabbing my camera, and all that, Edgar tells me “come but don’t come here with your bad vibe.” I said “what? what do you mean?” I was hurt. “I don’t know” he said. “But thats what angel and charlie told me”

“About what?”

“They said you was mad at them giving them a whole nasty atttiude that day on the garage?”

“Because I was on the phone? thats my garage anyway I can feel whatever I want. In fact, they were the angel was the one giving me a whole attitude as if I cant act all surprise for seeing them in my garage?”

Edgar ignored me and walked away.

I stayed home and I didnt go. I was upset. I was angry. I was hurt. I felt betrayed. I was fed up. Home alone... I wrote a facebook post about it.

I wrote what happened exactly in two paragraphs with the intention of having my brother read it. 

He found out and sent me an very rude and abbrut text message, calling me childish for writing it on facebook. (right but lets not forget your hyprocite ass for writing a whole IG post about Saul xD but thats fine right because is you? no...) I dont feel sorry for chosing the way I express myself because after all I am a writer and you my brother are not a listener. You are not. Because I have SEEN it myself. In fact, you wholly admitted that you thrashed your bike in front of your ex just for “talking heavy” (that is a clear anger problem)

and yet, you demand me to talk to you. No brother. I deserved an apology for disrepecting me.

That was Sunday. 

Monday came and I woke up to Angel confronting me “hey you got a problem with me and edgar? wassup? whats up?” all confrontational and shit. Excuse me? what do you have to do with me and edgar? nothing. so shut the fuck up. yall are exactly alike. impulsive. emotional. act based on emotional state and dont use ur brains. your like little babies. fuck off. get blocked.

This proved to me that Edgar talks shit about me to his little teenage boys. I know thats true and i don’t forget that day you humiliated me infront of them and my boyfriend because I forgot my wallet.

I do not forget that day you demanded money aand interrp[uted my therapy session 

I do not forget thart day you fucked made me and amy whole fmaily sacred as shit because you broke th4e law lost 2000 dollars from my pops and you gegt away wit it!@!!!!!!!!!! AND I SUFFER FROM NYOUR DISRECXPECT. I9M FUCKING DONE!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOU1!!!!!!

Let alone how you treated my brother luis over the uber accounts!!!~! I WAS NOT IN FAVOR WITH YOUR BEHAVIOUR BUT YOU ALWAYS GET AWAY WITH EVERYTHING. is my family that made you like that but you must be blamed for it too. 

You betrayed me after all that i did for you, You talk shit behind my back because what? i dont pay rent? you claim you’re better than my family but youre a machista for saying that. because youre the breadwinner you entitiled to disrespect your sister=? you might have learned that from my father. but i wont let you do it again to me. 

i have endured phsyucal violance from ym father, my mother, my brother tony. and im tired of being bullied by you. im your sister. love me. respect me. u have a choice. 

Last thing, you disrespected me and my boyfreidn at the same time with that message. How dare you talk to him like that? You don’t even know him. When have you ever found me talk to you girl like that over our own problems? I never because I know respect. Would you like that to happen to you? Tell your girl about our problems? I don’t tjhink so becuase NO ONE DOES. 

How dare you talk to me in most machista tone ever. “Come get your fucking girl” EXCUSE ME? “girl?!” IM YOUR FUCKING SISTER., I HAVE A NAME. I HAVE A SOUL. IM A PERSON WIRTH FEELINGS THE DESERVES TO LIVE WITH DIGNITY,. THATS A BASIC HUMAN RIGHT. HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE IM SOME OBJECT PASSED AROUND FROM ONE PERSON TO THE NEXT. HOW DARE YOU TALK LIKE THAT ABOUT YOUR SISTER TO HER BOUYFRIEND. YOU WENT OUTTA POCKET. WHAT DO YOU GAIN FROM THATT!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I’m done taking your beatings. I’m done. I’m fucking done. ITS TIME FOR ME TO SET MY BOUNDARIES. IS TIME FOR ME TO SHOW YOU WHEN AND WHERE YOU CROSS THE LINE. IS TIME FOR ME TO START DEFENDING MYSLEF AND SAY NO1!!! 1!!!Q!

In the end, “I’m thankful. Because now I know what I must do”.

[i-rant-here-alot-blog]

i wrote this for you. i was going to send it on our 1 year but.

good morning my sweet boy. i’m writing this over the next few months, so by the time you read this we’ll either be at 8 months or a year. we just passed 4 months but it feels like so much more. the past few months have gone by way too fast but kinda in a good way.

i remember our 1 month we were still pretty awkward and were getting to know each other a little bit more. i remember being so confused on how i was so happy from just a few words from one persons mouth.

Our 2 months i knew more about you and was becoming more attached to you. at first that was kinda scary because i didn’t want to lose you so soon. you became one of the people i trusted most.

our 3 months you had a special place in my heart that nobody else could take. i knew then i wasn’t going to lose you anytime soon. You made me feel something that i never really felt with anyone else.

our 4 months just happened. I don’t really know what to say. you are perfect. 110% in my eyes. I’ve fallen deeper and deeper in love you each day we have been together. the way your eyes glow when we’re together, the way you smile, the way you laugh, the way you exist. its all perfect.

our 5 months was a few days ago. there has been some ups and downs but we got through them. we’ve both been pretty busy and making plans has been rough but hey we still saw each other and started having sleepovers again which is amazing. I missed sleeping next to you so much. every time i go home after we hang out or when you go home i miss u more and more. its kinda weird but only because i never really missed someone this much after just seeing them. you’ve been so so helpful with everything. my mood has been kinda wack and you’ve made me feel better a lot. i’m still really glad u came and helped w/ my room. it meant a lot to me.

Our 6 months just went by and everything you do just makes me happy. i have never wanted a future more with someone as much as i have wanted one with you. laying down in bed with you just cuddling or sleeping in your arms or next to you. making mac and cheese in the kitchen or sitting on the couch joking around. i love it all. and i love you. i couldn’t ask for a more perfect person to be with. you’re the best. you’ve let me cry into your chest and haven’t judged me for it. you make it all better.

we hit 7 months a few days ago ahhhhh. i’m so happy we got so far. i love you to death and i was so scared to lose you at first but now i’m pretty certain i’ve got you for a while :) i was gonna write this the day of our 7 months mark or whatever because you slept over the night before and were at my house shortly in the morning but i decided not to because you were awake first and i didn’t wanna wake u up but anyway. 7 months man. 7 months with the boy i love the most out of everyone. 7 months with my best friend. it’s unbelievable. it seems like just 3 or 4 months ago it was your birthday party and we were cuddling in the camper. it’s been so long holy moly. you’ve kept me running a lot lately with some stuff that’s happened at school with alyvia and me breaking down a few times and making some mistakes. i know i can be annoying and sometimes i’m a little much but some reason you’re deciding to deal with it. which i don’t mind like at all please stay. i’ll get weird sometimes and i’ll yell or i’ll get upset and it may seem like i’m getting upset with you but i’m honestly probably just stressed with something and i never ever mean to take anything out on you. i’d never do that to you on purpose. anyway, i’ll let this be till next month. i love you lots babes.

i don’t know how else to start these paragraphs anymore because i think i keep starting them the same lol so hey today we hit 8 months. it went by so so fast. you’ve made everyday a lot better and have been able to make me smile when i never wanted to. i feel like i’m repeating the same thing over and over but idc. i fucking love you. you really helped me out in the past month with moving and keeping me positive or at least trying to. and helping me and my mom actually find a place to live. you’ll never know how grateful i am for you. i really don’t know what i would do if we hadn’t started dating. you mean the world and more to me and i’d give everything to keep you forever. i can’t imagine myself living a life without you in it. you really are my best friend and more.

our 9 months would have been in 2 days. you decided it was best for us to break up. i really don’t agree because as busy as you were you still made me feel like a prince and i still felt like you loved me. you say you dragged me through everything but i willingly went through all of it. i loved seeing how you preformed and hearing how much you loved your cast. it made me happy to see you so happy. as much as i know it isn’t my fault i still feel like i was a bit problematic and that is part of it. i was a very needy boyfriend and never gave you much space. thinking about how i will probably never be able to hold your hand again or kiss you or call you mine drives a knife through my heart. i loved you with every inch of my heart. i dont really know if the feeling was mutual, but you said you’d always love me when we split so ig it was. you still mean the world to me and you still are the only person i’ll ever want. nobody will make me as happy as you did

i’m in a lot of fucking pain from this. you made me so fucking happy and then you just left. my heart feels like it’s been torn out of my chest. the feelings i have for you are so strong i dont want to let us go. our relationship meant so much to me. i can’t stop crying. i wanted us to last so bad and you promised it’d be me and you till time ended and i believed it because i really thought we loved each other enough to make it. the fact that this entire thing went to waste hurts. i was so excited to send this to you and now i can’t because you aren’t even mine. i made a slideshow. i ordered us distance bracelets for when you’d go off for a bit. i was really excited for our future. now it all feels dead to me. i do want to be your best friend still but it hurts so bad.

[taronegerton-fantasies]

Let’s Start The New Year Right

A/N: Happy new year guys!!! I’m a bit behind I’m so sorry huhu. I looked back at my previous works and I laughed because everytime I post something, there will be words like “it has been so long” LOL it has been so long indeed! I haven’t posted something in 4 months. I need to add that on my New Year’s Resolution. I need to post more often! Hahahaha. I have been really busy with school lately. I’m working on my thesis paper so forgive me. Anyway, I hope you like this one. It’s pure fluff with a little bit of angst on the side. Tehez

---------

I observe my surrounding as the heavy bass music blares in my ears. I am in my best friend Chloe’s house in Aberystwyth. I recognize some people that she has invited in her New Year’s Eve party who are trying to dance their way to the last festivity before the year ends. Some of them were my classmates in few of my subjects. Some of whom I had had a little conversation with and never talked again. Some were I had seen loitering in the hallway and who didn’t even bother going to classes, and some were just I used to see in my old school. They were scattered to different corners of the house. A few people I have bumped into were basically on these five common areas of the house: the corners, the living room area (specifically the sofa), kitchen, the backyard, and the front porch. I mean this is not a high-school-kind-of party, what do you usually see in a grown-up party? Are the overflowing booze and cigarette and blunt smoking still included?  

It’s the time of the year again where people will leave their frustrations behind them and kick-start the new year in a most fascinating way. Forgive people who have wronged you and forget everything and just move on. Fuck that fucking shit. That doesn’t make any single sense to me. They say that forgiveness puts the final seal on what happened that hurt you. Yeah, but that doesn’t you have to forget everything and the person who has wronged you. It’s like you have given them the key to do you bad again. You just proved yourself that you can always throw yourself to the lions whenever you want it. Do you also find it funny when people say “New year, new me”? I mean who says that when you can’t even maintain “the change” for a long time. It’s like you’re trying to write a long ass paragraph of your life in a chapter and once you re-read it, you realized you made a mistake and you will just shrug it off and just write something new in the next chapter but you still end up committing the same shit again you did before. Fucking ridiculous, right?

You might be thinking I’m a mental human kind who happens to be surrounded by normal people in a party. Yeah, I would rather give you that idea than tell you that this house, the one I’m in it right now and leaving invisible traces of mine at this moment holds a lot of memories for me. A roller coaster of my emotions have been lying in these safe walls of this house. And what’s the significance of this humble abode to me?

Chloe’s sister has a brother. His name is Taron. Taron was also my brother’s best friend. Chloe and I became known to each other when we moved in to the house next to them when we were both 6 years old. We weren’t exactly speaking before until their mum asked my mum to look after them both for a day. Since then we have been inseparable and so was my brother and Taron.

We could be seen mostly hanging out in the living room area as the entertainment and all stuff were located there. This is where we watch movies together, play board games, or just have a little bit of a chat. It was the most pleasant space in the world. His room is a whole lot different. This where I lost my virginity for the very first time and my first kiss from Taron. The sex was great, super fucking great. I’m not gonna go into details but it was a fuck-yeah-amazing kind of experience.

My first kiss with him was sweet and slow. I was embarrassed since I didn’t know how to kiss then but he guided me throughout the entire process. We didn’t make out though, he cuddled me and slept the whole day.

Taron and I was once a couple back in the days. It lasted for two years until I saw him with another girl in his bed. I was on my way to this house after I got back home from work to visit my best friend and Taron. Chloe had told me to just go straight to the house if she wasn’t there, also because of her work. So I did. And that was when I heard the strings of moans and a litany of profanities you usually hear in a porn flick. When I burst through door, I saw him with an unrecognizable girl on his bed. The bed where we usually make love and cuddle. His bed that I used to love and know I deeply hate. I ended it right away and never talked to him again even if he had knocked multiple times in our door and wait for hours in our front porch to talk to me. I did not face him.

Taron and my brother fought because of the incident. They put an end to their friendship but rekindled after a few months, which I rolled my eyes at. Boys.

We moved to London a year after my mum got a promotion at her job. That was the last time I saw him since the incident. Chloe and I would still try to meet and catch up if we were both free. She wished that things would go back to the way they were before so we could be all happy again. I would just smile sadly and hug her. She told me that their mum was missing me and would occasionally blame Taron for what he had done. Chloe and Taron had gone through a rough patch before also because of me. I kind of felt bad because people around him were being bitchy but I just think that he deserved that.

He had been bugging me with apologies on social media but gave up when he received none from me. Guilt would occasionally come crashing down on me but when memories of him and the girl fucking on his bed hit me like a freight train, I realized I shouldn’t be.

After Taron heard that I was coming to visit my previous hometown, he has risen from the dead and bombarded me with annoying messages. He said that he wanted to see me and wanted to talk. Chloe also said the same thing though. She says that he was miserable and regretful of what he had done up until now, says that he has been asking me lately how I was doing and if I was coming to the party. When he found out I was coming, his constant messaging happens again.

I also heard from Chloe that Taron is working in company as an art director in London. He knew that I have been living in London for quite some time now. but I had asked her if she told him where I work an my current flat. She told me she didn’t even if Taron kept asking my work address and my flat which I couldn’t be even more thankful to her.

Since I have arrived here, I make sure that he wouldn’t see me and I think I succeeded. Actually, I didn’t want to come but I can’t refuse to Chloe’s request and I haven’t seen her in such a long time, so I ended up just hiding in a house full of drunk people.

I have already seen Taron roaming around but I immensely avoid him. I know he has been looking for me, but I make sure he won’t see me. Not today, nor forever.

 TARON’S POV

 I know she’s somewhere around here. Chloe told me. I asked her a million times just to make sure that Y/N’s coming even if her answers were somewhat annoyed. I want to see her. I want her to know that I’m eternally sorry for what I did. That I was just tempted to sleep with a girl from another school. I want her to know that I’m still in love with her and she has always been on my mind. I want her to know that I want nobody but her and I want her back in my life.

As I was having a little moment by myself, I felt a clap on my back. I quickly whip my head to see who it is and my good friend Nikolai is grinning at me with a cup on his hand.

“Are we having a good night?” he asks excitedly.

“Killin’ it.” I say, returning the grin.

“Have you seen Y/N already? Heard that she’s here.”

My grin falters at the mention of Y/N’s name. I smile sadly and shake my head. “No, man.”

Nikolai claps my back again, twice. “It has been 7 years. She’ll forgive you now.”

“She would have done it before if she wanted it. She’s making a point that she doesn’t want my apologies nor my existence. I did her wrong. I deserve that.” I say sadly.

“Oh man, don’t be so hard on yourself. Maybe tonight, you’ll get to kiss her when the clock strikes at 12.” His voice low, teasing.

I push him a little away from as I snort. “She couldn’t even reply to my messages and then I’ll get to kiss her? Dude??” I cock an eyebrow at him as I look at him humorously.

“Dude?? Look at how good you have gotten the past years! I swear if I was Y/N, I would forget  everything and kiss the crap out of you.” He remarks.

My eyes widen in pure horror and take a step back away from him, “Get away from me!”

He laughs manically, spilling some of his drink on the carpet. Surely, Chloe would be cranky and pissed at cleaning the carpet the next morning. Poor sister.

“I’m just saying though!” He says, still laughing. “Anyway, have a smashing night! Remember what I said!” He claps me again on the back. I return the gesture by also patting his chest twice and by saying the same thing. And with that, he starts walking away.

I let out a sigh and get myself a drink in the kitchen. After I got myself one, I start walking toward the stairs and make my way up to the terrace. All my hopes on seeing her this time came crumbling down on me again like it’s always been. Maybe this isn’t the right time, I thought.

As I’m about to enter the threshold, I stop as I see a figure of a woman leaning on the railings. Her back is onto me, her body facing the backyard below her. Her dirty blond hair is styled somewhat wavy. She is wearing a pink dress. Beside her are a pair of high heels, I suppose she removed it because her feet got tired. Her senses start penetrating her whole being, her inner self tells her that someone is watching her because she whips her head at my direction. And I swear my heart stops beating.

Y/N’S POV

It’s him. Taron; The guy who constantly made my heart race, the guy who broke my heart 7 years ago, standing few centimeters away from me as he regards me with an expression that I can’t decipher: Shock, maybe? He looks so pale that I almost think it’s a ghost he is seeing and not me.

I’m not gonna lie, He still looks as beautiful as we were young, but more matured. He was a dashing, handsome young man. Now, he has a gym honed physique and muscles wrought from iron. He has a buzzed cut hair and gimlet eyes. His pinched-in cheekbones rested on skin that was stretched tight by exercise. And god, his jaw. He has a marble jaw that is rugged and masculine, speckled with manly, peppered stubble. His shoulders are sculpted in a most defined way and has a barrel chest. 

No, he has gotten even more beautiful.

I face the backyard again, you’re supposed to be mad and plotting your escape, not ogle on him. I’m considering the idea of jumping off the railings just to get away with him. I opt to escape by the door but he won’t let me get through it. I want to smack my head a million times for coming up in here. This was his favorite place back then aside from the living room, his bedroom, and the kitchen. I used to find him in here when I can’t look for him anywhere. This part of the house was his escape from the world.

“Please Y/N.” He says, blocking the way. He closes the door and takes a step forward to me. His eyes are full of sadness, like a ukulele that produces broken sounds and not that relaxing tones.

“Please.” He repeats, touching me. I yank my hand out of his grasp. His touches are burning. I could almost hear the hissing sound it makes as it burns the area where he had touched.

“Do not touch me.” I say. There is an edge in my voice.

He hangs his head down, putting his hands into his pockets with a resigned expression. I back away from him and sit on one of the chairs. I watch him sit down on a chair by the door. We stay quiet for a couple of minutes. None of us are uttering any single word. The air is so thick I could cut it with a knife. The silence is embracing us in a way that it feels cold suddenly. He begins by saying the words I’ve always wanted to hear but never wanted to at the same time.

“I’m sorry.” His voice soft.

I slowly move my head to the side where he is sitting and regard him carefully. He is not looking at me, he is just sitting there staring into space.

I laugh sardonically, “If your ‘sorry’ could fix everything, I wouldn’t have been in such a shit state for 7 fucking years. 7 fucking years, Taron. I was miserable and kept thinking what went wrong I had to see you with a girl on your bed! I hold that fucking bed close to my heart and you chose to fuck a bimbo like it was a bed in a cheap motel! Fuck you!” I was now raging, fuming, and crying. I hope there will be none listening to us downstairs. I doubt.

He runs his hands on his face up to his hair as he rests on his nape, linking his fingers together. “I didn’t know what came over me that time. I was bored and-“ I cut him off, my voice going an octave higher.

“You were bored?!” I want to punch him in the fucking face. “What a fucking valid reason you got there, buddy. “I was bored”! I fucking like it! You could do better than that!” I yell, my anger building up. I smack his shoulder a couple of times as I release all the anger I’ve stayed hidden for the past years. I actually see red I am so infuriated with him. He didn’t fight me as I’m making his damn arm a punching bag. All he does is protect himself from the blows I give him and cry. I know he is not crying because I’m physically hurting him. He’s crying how much this hurts him.

“Y/N, Please-“ he turns to me as he sobs.

“I hate you.” I seethe.

He is crying so hard that he chokes. I’ve seen him like this when his best friend died from a car accident. I’ve never seen him cry again like that until this happened. He kneels on my side as he begs me.

“Please, Y/N. Just hear me out…” He pleads. I look at him as he catches his breath before, his head down. He wipes his nose with shirt and looks up at me. I look away, my eyes release fresh tears before he starts, “I wasn’t even thinking that time. I was really bored. I got a text from an unknown number, said she was an old friend from my old school and told me she got my number from Nikolai. She told me she just needed a friend because her boyfriend broke up with her…” His hiccup stops him, then he continues again, “And then we’ve talked it out over a few drinks. We both got drunk. She was touchy. I tried to stop her and told her that I have a girlfriend but she wasn’t having it. And that’s when you saw us in our room.” He says, his voice low and resigned.

I cannot wrap all the information in my head. My eyes keep releasing tears, making my vision blur. I didn’t say anything. Just keep my head straight and stare into nothing. The laughs below us filling my ear. The happy sounds that it makes is trying to embrace us both, but the sadness is keeping us away from it. I clench my fist. Taron must have seen it because he winces as he starts to back away from to give him another angry blow. But I didn’t. I just silently weep.

“Believe me Y/N. It was all a mistake. I didn’t want her. After that happened, I blamed Nikolai for everything. You have to believe me please…” He sobs again. He hangs his head down as he kneels. He looks so vulnerable. I want to hug him and tell him everything is okay now. I want to but I can’t.

He starts again, “I haven’t had a girlfriend for years now, I did but it only lasted for three months. I kept thinking about you. You’re constantly on my mind. Always have, always will. I love you, please forgive me…”

And then I’m lost. It’s like someone have slapped me and tell me that I need to believe him. Like I’m suddenly unfettered by the antediluvian anger that I have always been keeping. I realized that I still love him. That I have always been craving for his touch.  

I watch him weep. His body is trembling from crying too much. He looks up at me, regards with such sadness and hope in his eyes. A complex mixture of green and blue with a speckled of gold in his eyes to match with my eye color. A silent plead that he’s telling me through his eyes that he wants to take me back again.  

A single tear run down his beautiful face and I wipe it my thumb. He shivers and lets out a shaky breath. He starts crying again.

“Oh god, Y/N. Oh my god.”  He sobs out.

I kneel down in front of him and pull him by the shoulders. He reacts immediately and wraps his strong, bulky arms around my waist, clinging tightly to me.

“I’m so sorry baby… I’m really sorry…” He says in between cries. I run my hand on his back as my other one is on his hair. Gently coaxing him.

“I’m sorry too. I know I should have done this a long time ago. I was really mad and hurt. I needed this talk, we both needed this.” I kiss the crown of his head. He pulls away and holds my face in his hands. We stare at each other for a split second, drinking each other’s features.

He really looks so damn beautiful. His face has gotten more matured. The old Taron I used to like had more baby fats in his body. His features weren’t defined and his muscles were just starting to form. I wipe the tears on his eyes as he does the same to me. He laughs as he reaches for the collar of his shirt to wipe his nose and sniffs afterwards.

He fishes something in pocket and hands me his handkerchief to wipe my nose. I wipe my nose like what he did, in a most unlady like way. I look at him and he’s watching me with an amused expression. We start laughing together. After that, He smiles sweetly at me.

That sweet smile that I love, still has an effect on me. I move closer to him and reach hands up to run my fingers along his stubble. It’s rough and gritty. I can’t wait to feel that on my legs.

I smile and giggle at myself. He smiles at me, flashing his perfect set of white teeth. “What were you thinking?” He asks quietly.

“That I should’ve done this a long time ago and I missed you.” I run my thumb along his bags and on his eyebrows. He closes his eyes at my touch. Then he says, “I miss you too baby.” He opens his eyes, it went down on my mouth then back to my eyes again.

“We’re supposed to be kissing now.” I say as I link my fingers to his neck.

“I know.”

“So kiss me.”

He shakes his head.

“Why?” I frown.

“Because,” he explains. He kisses the tip of my nose before he continues, “I will kiss you when the clock strikes at 12.” He bites his bottom lip.

I roll my eyes as I let out a chuckle, “You haven’t changed.”

He scoffs, “I have changed a lot.” He flexes his biceps in front of me and I giggle. He chuckles shortly before dropping his arm back down and sighs, “But my feelings for you haven’t changed.” He leans in to kiss my forehead. “I love you and I missed you, Y/N. So much. You don’t even know how long I have been waiting this day to come.” I smile at him as I blush deeply.

“I never thought that this day would come. It sounds ridiculous how I have mentioned how much I hate you moments ago.” He features suddenly becomes sad, he looks down on his lap. I lift his chin up and smile sweetly at him. I continue, “And I realized how stupid I am for not giving you a chance to explain everything, I also realized how much I still love you.” I’m so fucking tempted to kiss him but I also like his idea of kissing at 12, so I opt for the best and kiss his cheeks.

He smiles at me and regards me with pure adoration in his eyes, just looking at me like he can’t believe what is happening. He then breaks the silence, “Shall we go downstairs?” He asks sweetly.

I nod.

He stands up and offers his hand to me. As soon as I’m on my feet, he pulls me in a tight embrace. I wrap my arms on his waist and kiss his chest, where his heart lies. He sighs and kisses my hair.

He pulls away and links his fingers to mine. “Let’s go downstairs.” I clutch his hand tightly as go down and deal with his guests.  Chloe would probably go nuts when she sees us together. And I was right with my intuitions.

She is standing at the end of the stairs, talking to a brawny looking guy and to Nikolai. I also spot my brother talking to them, which surprises me because I didn’t know that he was coming. After all we didn’t go together. Chloe whips her head at the top of the stairs and takes a double look at us.

She starts shrieking when she sees us coming down the stairs, calling the attention of people around her and start regarding us with such curiosity. I hide on his side and he unlatches his fingers from mine. He hugs my side as I start to hide my face on his armpit and grips my hand on his waist. I sense that Taron rolls his eyes dramatically because he tells his sister to shut the fuck up (what a sweet relationship they have, yeah?). I lift my head to look at the people in front of me: Chloe, who is looking at us with pure happiness and disbelief, Nikolai who is grinning at us, my brother who is somewhat smirking and smiling, and the brawny looking guy with… I don’t know. He just looks at us with a what’s going on expression. Taron greets him though by giving him a manly handshake. He introduces me to him and I find out his name is Tommy.

Our group has had a little bit of a chat before someone yells around the house that the countdown is about to start. We gather ourselves in the living room and prepare for the countdown. Taron whips me softly to face him.

He is staring at me, not like the he-is-undressing-me-kind-of look but the kind of look like you’re the only person he only sees and as if the world has stopped moving. Though the temperature in the room is somewhat between crisp and warm, I’m sweating. His eyes examine every corner of my face, as if memorizing every part of it and inscribe it on his brain.

Then he breaks into a toothy and most disarming smile. I smile back at him, matching his smile and he tucks a strand of hair in my ear. He envelops me in a tight hug and kisses my cheek.

“Y/N… Baby…” He says to my ears, “This is the happiest night of my life. There’s no rush, but I want you to know that your forgiveness is what really matters to me. I’m really sorry for what I did, I really am baby. And I want you to know that all these years, it has always been you. No one else, just you.” He confesses.

I pull away, but I don’t break the hug just so I can look into his face. So fucking beautiful, I thought. He has the makings of a good Hollywood actor, or a model. A fine figure, fierce eyes that could bore into your soul. A beautifully sculpted face (don’t get me started on that beautiful face, I’m telling you). Also, did I tell you he has a good voice too? He doesn’t let anyone hear his voice, it’s ridiculous. I don’t know why.

I badly want to kiss him. His lips are so inviting, I want to feel his lips on mine again after all those years. I want to feel that longing after we pull apart; the need to touch him, run my fingers through his hair as he speaks sweet nothing through my follicles. I want to feel the boy again who swept me off my feet by accident and made an interesting history together.

When will this countdown starts?

He sways our body from side to side. I leave a trail of kiss to his chin up to his jaw, pressing my lips on his cheeks as it reaches there. I peck it twice, just to contain myself and to just show my respect for his cheesy idea. “Baby…” I start, kissing centimeters away on the side of his mouth (can you blame me?!) “We may have gone through a rough patch. I may have told you not so nice things. I may have tried to push away all my feelings for you, tried to hide it and constantly reminded myself to hate you, but I was wrong. The moment I saw you upstairs, how sincere you are, how sorry you are, how much you still love me after all, I realize that I love you. And it has always been you Taron.” I pull away to look at his expression.

He looks like he’s about to cry. I don’t want to make him cry again. Enough crying for this night. So I pinch his cheeks and stretch it out on his face as we both laugh. And the countdown begins.

“10!” the crowd begins to shout happily and excitedly.

Taron pulls me by the waist, his stares are getting more intense by each millisecond.

“9!”

“Are you ready?” He smirks right back at me.

“8!”

I roll my eyes and scoff, “I’ve never been more ready.” He grazes my cheek with his thumb and smile.

“7!”

We watch each other as we wait for the countdown. Our stares are getting more intense each millisecond passes. He says, “Here’s to good new memories and experiences.”

“6!”

“Here’s to good new memories and experiences.” I repeat, smiling, linking my fingers to his neck.

“5!”

I watch Taron licks his bottom lip in an achingly slow pace. I absentmindedly bite my bottom lip as he unintentionally makes a mess in me.

“4!”

He pulls me closer to him, his hands on my waist.

“3!”

“Happy new year, baby.” He smiles, grazing his fingers on the side of my face.

“2!”

“Happy new year, Taron.” I say, moving towards to each other even more closer, filling the gap between us.

“1!” we both lean in, our faces centimeters apart, waiting for the crowd’s go signal.

“HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

And with that, our lips finally meet. I melt into the kiss. My knees go weaker the time he enters his tongue in my mouth. Our lips move slowly. There is no rush, it’s as if we’re savoring the time and moments we have missed when we were both apart. I sigh into the kiss, making me relaxed than ever. All my angers and pent up frustrations to him dissipates into the thin air. Our lips are moving in open lips with some tongue interplay. It’s sweet, hot, and passionate. I run my fingers to his smooth, soft hair, and he moans. His tongue invades my mouth as he presses me close to his body. He kisses me deeply and so passionately that it’s making me hard to breathe. I feel like I’m floating in the air, so overwhelmed.

We have clearly drowned out the sounds of the cheers of the people who are happily welcoming the year, clearly forgetting the fact the we are not alone. Until we both feel that someone bumps us intentionally and as we pull away from our kiss, we see that Chloe is squealing in delight. Seconds later, my brother follows and envelops us in a tight group hug and that make us all groan.

As my brother releases us all, Chloe starts jumping and clapping like a kid who got a candy, “I’m so happy!” She squeals again, “Happy new year guys!”

Taron kisses her sister on the cheek as he hugs her. I do the same thing to my brother. I thanked him for everything, for making me happy when I’m sad and for knocking at my door when he’s “fucking bored” (according to him) and we’ll go out to get something to binge eat as we watch endless tv series. He coos at me and kisses my temple. “I love you, sis.” He says. I tear slips from my eyes. He laughs and pinches my cheek.

I asked him when did he got here, since I travelled by myself to get here. He told me he got the last trip at the train station after he got off from his work half day. I interrogate him and ask him how come he still has work when it’s the holiday season. I asked him if he went to see this girl he has been seeing, Rebekah. he shrugs and smirks, earning a side way glance from me. And we both burst out laughing. It’s all good.

I hug Chloe as tightly as I can. I thank her a million times. For when she’s there when I needed her. When I was a miserable shit and she was there listening to me as I cry. For not questioning my anger against Taron, for countless times that I had spewed all the nastiest words I could think of to his brother. I know she should have, but she knows what I had been going through. But she lets me. I thank her for all the times when we had, from then up to now. For being a good best friend in a whole wide world.

She thanks me for choosing her to be my best friend when there are tons of other girls in our neighborhood to share all my secrets with and bond over everything. Silly, silly girl. So I pinch her bum and did the same to me. And we both burst out laughing. It’s all good.

I turn myself to the pretty boy standing next to me. My brother and Chloe must have sensed that we need this moment, so they both scramble off to their feet and give us the time we need.

I press my lips to him. He leans in again and presses his after I pull away. We stay there like that.

“I promise to love you no matter what. To be there when you need me. I promise, I promise, I promise to be faithful to you, if you will give me another chance. I won’t ever blow this again.” And then he seals it with a kiss.

I smile, “I also promise to be there when you need me. And if I give you another chance, I promise to listen to you when you’ve got something to say.” I say as I graze his top lip. “Cheers to the new chapter.”

He smiles, his eyes crinkle. “Cheers to the new chapter.”

I peck his lips. “Shall we start partying now?” I ask him, giggling.

He links his fingers with mine and dance our way to the new chapter of our rekindled relationship.

It’s all good.

------

Part 2? Yes? ;)

[wishingfornever]

12/26/17 – No Contact:  Cobwebs

Current time is 1:14am.  I have yet to do the dishes.  Ended up procrastinating.  I’ll do it before I go to bed.

I… well, Esther saved a bunch of messages on Snapchat.  Old messages. Maybe from a year ago, before we became romantically involved perhaps?  Perhaps after as well?  Oh, it seems they were on January 18th of this year.  Her birthday.  These are things I told her.  I’ll share them now: “I wish you could know yourself as I know you.  It may not seem like it, but you’re strong.  You’re tough.  You’re resilient.  You’ve done so much, you’ve withstood so much, and you’ve overcome so much.  It may not seem like it, but I admire you.  You’re like a mouse challenging a titan and somehow you’re still standing.  You don’t need me.  you’ve never needed me.  I’m just lucky to come along for the ride.  I’m not saying you’re invincible, but I swear it seems like it.”

“If [I] were blind, I’d still rate you a 10.” “I was fantasizing about us at my parent’s ranch.  I sincerely believe you’d have a good influence on me.  I’m imagining my dad embarrassing himself trying to talk to you.  He’s been stumbling over his own words since I left for Texas.” “Team? You’re the one running the show.  I just look cute in a skirt and wave pom poms around.” I believe we have an innate hive mind.  All humans.  Like, that’s how so many inventions happen at once all over the world.  The Wright brothers with their plane? Other people were working on the same thing at the time and several actually flew.  However, they could only [fly] straight.” “You will get along with my mom.  When she was 18, she also moved out which was unheard of in Mexico.  She and my grandmother didn’t speak for sometime when she did.” “Besides, I wouldn’t go so far as to say I love most about you is your charming and affectionate posts on Tumblr because it reflects a poetic and clever mind, but it helps. I can get in a conversation with you, I can engage you [mentally], I can learn and expand.  Sex is just sex, but a beautiful mind is a difficult thing to find. I love you, Esther.  Not because you’re cute or physically attractive.  I love you because of your voice, your thoughts, your perspective and reasoning.  You’re more than a pretty face.  You’re beautiful.  Everything about you is beautiful.” The words in brackets are words that had to be changed because the original word was missing or incorrect.  Rather than explain it (because I definitely corrected it, but she didn’t save the correction) I’m just going to edit it ever so slightly.  Also did some punctuation corrections but that doesn’t require brackets.

She and her mom had a falling out.  It was sudden and she needed to get away.  Basically, no one would take her in (or at least I was under the impression) and she had nowhere to go.  People she had asked ended up flaking on her.  So, she was basically going to be homeless. I asked Adela if we could take her in and eventually convinced her. I tried to keep our relationship secret at first, but when Esther arrived, I couldn’t.  But I’ll get back to that later.

I was also living with my parents.  The reason I was at Adela’s was because she needed a housesitter and I was too depressed back home. I felt ASHAMED that I’d have to bring Esther to live with myself and my parents, but I warmed up to the idea over time.  Of course, I asked my mom to ask my dad because she’s more reasonable.  Of course, she asked and they approved.

I basically built her up.  A lot of bad things had happened to her, so I was trying to make sure she wouldn’t fall.  This was big.  She was happy.  Hopeful.  I didn’t want anything to stop that.  And I’ve always been a bit of a hard ass because my dad was a hard ass, too.  So, I told her I admired her.  And I did. Only with her have I had a breakup this bad.  She’s unique.  Everything about her, everything I’ve felt because of her… it’s been unique.

The “If I were blind” comment.  Accidentally said “you” in the original.  Because blind women aren’t attractive.  Kidding, of course.  I’d still think she were beautiful if I were blind, meaning I didn’t need her to be attractive.

Back to the ranch thing… yeah, I was scared.  I was very scared of having her there.  I wanted to leave the ranch as soon as possible but it’s so FUCKING hard to get anywhere because it’s so remote. And summer… I hate summer.  It literally drains me.  I get so depressed during the summer.  It’s bad.  It’s like the flooding of the Nile.  And my dad makes it worse.  He always makes it worse.

Whatever. The point is, I had hoped she’d help me fight the summerly depression.  I guess it was the worst depression of my life due to the event, but it was pretty bad before, too.  I hate it.  And of course, Esther says I don’t get to be depressed.  I’m not allowed to… that’s not a good enough excuse.

Ugh… her oxytocin for Dennis.

Anyways, she said we made a pretty good team but really, I gave her a ton of control.  She was doing her own thing and I was supporting her.  I wanted her to feel like she was carrying the flag and leading the charge.  That this was something she was doing herself.

The hivemind thing was me talking about how humans have similar ideas wherever they are.  It springs up within a decade.  Many historical coincidences.  Not sure why she saved it; I guess she enjoyed my philosophy.

My mom is a trooper, too.  Was hoping the similarities would inspire her.

And finally… yeah, I got very emotional.  That was all written within 10 minutes of each other so were technically part of the same segment.  Thus, I included them all together.  I don’t think Esther got in a word.  I loved her.  I know you know, but I really did.  I still do.  I believed in us.

When the event was going down and we were still on somewhat good terms… we had a temporary motto.  “In it for the long run.”  Look at us now.  She wants nothing to do with me and I’m still stuck on her. I’m still in it for the long run, but she stopped long ago.  So, it’s a journey of love that I travel alone. Masturbation is my highway.

Alright, not that funny.  Anyways, Ariel… the dog.  She kept him from getting hit by a car or something?  It was cold and he was scared and she held him and waited for the police to pick him up.  The dog refused to leave her initially but eventually went with him and was returned to his people.  So, the dog is fine and Ariel has good karma coming her way.  I’m glad for her.  :D Anyways, I’m going to turn on music and do the dishes.  I’ll fuck around with the bathrooms and laundry tomorrow.  Or later today?  Whatever, the point is I’m off.  See you in the next paragraph.  For me, it’ll be a few hours.  Good night.

And good morning.  Or, rather, mid-day.  Slept in.

So, I stayed up watching American Psycho last night.  Had the dream of the sequel.  It was a shitty dream, mostly because Max pooped in the room.  I’ll tell you more about that when we get back from grocery shopping.  Adela’s rushing me which is weird because while cleaning it up, she couldn’t have been slower.  Brb

Apparently, we’re not grocery shopping.  Max is going to the vet.  We went out just to eat.  D’oh!  The purpose of eating out is so we don’t get crappy food for the rest of the week and just pig out.  I suspect that’ll be an issue later, but whatever.

I think Max is just eating too much right now.  The food he was switched to are these BIG cans for dogs larger than him.  So, it’s discerning to say the least.

We’re trying to get the house to look presentable.  Not sure if I mentioned this, but my mom is coming out in a few days a couple days ago. Which is to say, she’ll be here tomorrow.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

Whatever. I’ll try to clean the poop a bit better because she’ll get the guest bedroom.  Back when I lived on my own in Amarillo, I hated having her over.  Not to sound ungrateful, but it’s such a burden. My mom can get kind of nosy, too.  I’ll clean up my workspace, try to keep her from snooping on my writings.  Also will probably lock my computer?  Idk, yet.  I guess it won’t matter.  But, again, it’s such a hassle.  Everything must be sooooooooo presentable.  Don’t get me wrong, we clean up here but we don’t EXTENSIVELY clean everything like we do now.

She’ll only be here for ten days.  Leaving next year on the 7th. Not so long.  I’ll be sleeping on the couch and I probably won’t be on for very long.

Anyways, American Psycho… such a strange movie.  Not sure how much of it was in Bateman’s head and what wasn’t.  The scene with “Hip to be Square” reminds me of Walter.  Sounds like him.  Of course, Bale sounds like Jim Carrey a lot but also Walter.  When he says, “Yes, it is!” that is something Walter would say in a tone he’d say it in.

Walter, of course, is a little guy.  He wouldn’t pulverize someone with an axe.  Of course, he’s had a tough history so I’m sure he’s bumped into people who have certainly deserved it and maybe he wanted to, but he’s not as self-centered as the Patrick Bateman.  Walter is charitable and kind.  Just talks the same way, is all.

Honestly, though, if it wasn’t for all the drugs and murder, I don’t think I’d mind being Bateman.  I mean, he is SUCH a dick but his problem he has no financial issues.  That’s… so nice.  Financial issues suck hard.  Then again, maybe that’s why he was very into drugs and murder.  Because he had the money to afford it.

Of course, there are several theories suggesting he isn’t really Patrick Bateman and is someone who just took over his life/apartment/career and another saying he hasn’t murdered anyone which is why the characters he constantly interact with never dies.  I thought about whether he actually killed anyone at all due to that whole Grand Theft Auto scene where he was basically playing GTA and murdered a bunch of people.  Spoilers.  Like, that killing spree… it was a bit too much.  And he goes through the same building twice.  Idk, it’s a movie that makes you think which is nice.

The sequel I saw earlier this year.  It was… not the best, but it wasn’t the worst.  As I said, I had a dream about it.  Mila Kunis was just murdering people and eventually she walked away.  During, I smelled dog crap but didn’t know what it was and ignored it.  Then I woke up to Max poop all over the carpet.  D’oh!

Got water and vinegar.  Trying to get as much out of the carpet.  Did a hard scrub before we left for food.  I’m absolutely stuffed right now, still.  Went to the bathroom, too.  See, this is slowing down my weight goals.

Speaking of, today is… Tuesday?  Tomorrow, I’ll weigh myself.  Get in the habit of weighing myself every Wednesday.  Except my mom will be here… for over a week.  So, I won’t be able to measure myself because it’ll be in that room.  And I just remembered, I won’t have a nice, private place to fap.  And even if I find the time and place, my mom will probably be around the house so I can’t have noise on my porn if I choose to watch it.

My masturbation highway has turned into a no-fap detour.

Whatever. It’ll be fine.

Going to clean now.  Before I do, I found a red hair recently.  From my scalp.  I have a few red hairs in my beard, but my scalp… and this was like… damn near scarlet.  I thought it was discarded Christmas decoration at first.  I, being the vain and possibly narcissistic bastard that I am, have considered getting some feminine products. Basically the hair color changers or whatever.  Where it’s brown or black or blonde or whatever.  Various colors that hide gray hairs.  I think I also mentioned how I kind of want to get an implant in my left calf to make it look more even with the right calf.

The hair thing would be super temporary, though.  Reason being is that if I enlist, then they’ll shave my head.  No point in dying my hair if it’s going to get shaved off in about… four months?  Yeah, just about considering it’s nearing the end of December.  The calf implant though… it’d be expensive.  Like, very expensive.  Maybe military benefits would cover it?  Then again, it’d be totally cosmetic, so unlikely.

Or actually… if I get sent to ANY foreign country, I can see if I can get stationed in a country that doesn’t naturally set the medical prices too high.  But that’d mean I’d have to enlist for 4 years just to have some say.  If you enlist only for 2, they’ll send you where they need you.  With 4, you have some say of where you go.  Or maybe I can just find a way to get to Spain to get the surgery there?  Maybe take advantage of leave or something.  But I’d have to find out the price.

Just looked it up.  4.5k to 6k dollars if I intend to get it.  Then again, I only need one.  And there is a chance that I won’t be able to walk right after.  So, it might not be that expensive.  You know, I could probably just get it in Mexico.  “Oh, but the doctor’s are from a third world country and don’t know-” shut up.  No.  Just, shut up.  If I get it in Mexico it won’t be any different from the US.  The difference would be that I won’t be getting robbed.  US doctors aren’t any better than foreign doctors.  The price isn’t a reflection of quality.  That’s why capitalism is failing and the US economy has been shit.

People like to say, “Oh, why you buying a $5 coffee everyday?  Save your money and buy a house, you bums!”  I saw that in a post and it was trending for a little while but it’s dumb.  The idea of an economy is that people spend, not that they save.  If they save, then there is no money running through.  Think of the economy like a river, the more freely it runs the better.  “Free market economy talk from a commie?”  No, shut up and let me finish.

When you save money, your portion of the water isn’t running down the river.  You’re basically building a dam.  And then other people will ALSO save their money and they will ALSO build a damn.  The more damns that are built means less water going down the river.  It turns into a little stream and that’s not enough for the fish or the plants to get live and be watered so the ecosystem suffers.  So, when people aren’t spending then the economy suffers.

People don’t make enough money to afford a $5 coffee every day.  You’re being REALLY generous if you think so many people have a routine that involves spending $35 a week on coffee alone.  The majority of people in the US live in debt.  The majority of people in the US can’t afford jack shit.  The majority of people in the US are actually REALLY poor.  The entire concept of money is that it’s not infinite.  That’s why it’s valuable.

Sorry, I left to clean some toilets.  Adela isn’t back yet and it’s nearly 5.

Backing up to economics, people really should get $5 coffees.  That’s part of the economy, after all.  The people who serve those coffee need paying jobs, after all and it’s probably not paying enough for them to afford $5 coffees themselves.  Of course, they’ll probably get free coffee because coffee shops are actually really good to their employees for some reason.  Regardless, materialism is a good thing for the economy.

Went shopping.  Alone.  Adela came back and wanted to stay with Max which is fine.  She gave me a list and everything as crossed off.  Not sure I missed anything.  Toilet is broken on the floor I use.  It happened the first time I came out, too.

While shopping, I began texting Diana.  Before shopping, I was messaging Daniel.  I find him quite refreshing if not also perhaps a bit disheartening.  He’s a reminder of the event, after all.  The last link of whom I still speak with.  He is kind, though.  A better soul than Dennis or Shane.

He is quite stressed and he won’t tell me why.  Not because he doesn’t want to share but because there is a lot on his mind.  So much so that if he were to write it out for me, he joked he would get carpal tunnel.  Which is a pity.  So, I did what I normally do.  I wrote propaganda.  I tried to rebuild his morale.  It began with him asking how I was able to stay happy… every day.  He doesn’t know.  All he knows is what I show.  He only knows me for my smiles rather than the crippling emotions that hide behind my eyes.  Every now and then, I’m overwhelmed and my eyes leak, emotion dripping like blood from a fresh wound.

I’m getting awfully poetic.  Apologies, I decided to revisit the Grand Budapest Hotel.  A delightful movie.

Anyways, I told him denial.  I try to look towards the future.  Told him I have goals that I’m close to achieving.  Sometime in April, a new chapter of my life is to begin.  I didn’t tell him that I will vanish.  I didn’t tell him that I intend to escape from it all and enlist.  I didn’t tell him that I intend to bring Ariel out before I finally flee.  I smile to hide my sorrow.  I smile because I know that soon, I shall flee.  Melancholy is that of freedom; from myself and my past.

It’s not all negative.  I told him that smiles are contagious.  He smiles, the world will smile with him.  I know this because when I smile, the world will smile with me.  I also told him to find moments to just enjoy the little things and shared my Titanic reference from work. Only I laughed but that was more than enough laughter for one day.  I also sent him to a video that Ariel sent me to.  The one of the Indian guru talking about… smiles.

Diana was less sentimental.  Rather, it was more trivial questions asking about sushi and bubble tea, asked her how her day was going and how she was spending it, told me that she was watching a series with her sister and continued to remind me how close with her family she is. She asked if I had any siblings.

Of course, I told her yes.  Yes, but I wasn’t really close with any of them.

Hasn’t messaged me since then.  Probably wise.  I wonder how she sees me. I’m loud, energetic, eager, and always smiling.  That’s how the customers tend to see me.  Her?  She’s starting to see more, perhaps.  She may find it quite peculiar that I’m so happy yet so disconnected with my own family.  Perhaps she’ll see the neurotic side Esther saw or thought she saw.  I’m not even certain of my own mental stability.

Regardless, I wonder how much I should reveal to her.  Diana actually reminds me of… Dennis, ironically.  She has a My Chemical Romance sweater she wears while at work.  Guess who was really into that emo stuff back in the day.  Dennis was!  There are other traits and sort of quirks that reminds me of him.  Strange, really.

Of course, she���s not overweight.  And she’s quite funny, her personality isn’t that of Dennis’s at all.  Then again, she may be more vocal due to my being more vocal.  I don’t know enough about her to make that decision yet.  Of course, I know she has a strong family bond yet Dennis is not one for family, unfortunately.

Not trying to trash his name more than I already have, I’m similar in that aspect.  My sister has never been the warmest and my father has never been the most understanding.  When I left for Texas the first time, I drifted further away from my family.  I fear one day, my sister and two half brothers… my cousins… my aunts and uncles… my own parents.  They’ll become strangers to me.  More than they already are, now.

I need to do laundry.  It’s almost tomorrow.  I can’t help but think of Esther now.  Lately, the thought of her has become more prominent.  Perhaps it’s because her birthday is coming up.  Or because a year ago, she was all I could think about.  I suspect… maybe my love for her will grow stronger and become a far more fierce obsession than it already has been.  I worry.  I hope she’s well. I hope her porn is selling.  I hope for the best for her.

That’s all I can do.  Soon, my hope for her will fade.  My memories of her will fade.  Everything about her will be gone.  It’s unfair but it’s inevitable.  I mourn her passing as if she was taken by death himself.