#would love a brain that didn't make me wish i was dead 24/7

[fox-mulder-gets-pegged]

Guess who has been officially diagnosed with 'treatment resistant depression' 😎

[nathank77]

7/22/24

10:10 a.m Edited/Added to Significantly

I had a dream last night that I was stuck in a car/camper type thing being trapped with 4 of my friends (idk who they were). We were being trapped by someone idk who.

They all started freezing to death. And one of them couldn't sleep. One of them was microsleeping next to a dead body. The dead body was frozen, his lips were ice. His face was frozen.

I wanted to leave and I kept trying. I called my mom and sister and I think I reached my sister. She didn't show up for me.

I remember being scared that I was going to start microsleeping again. I was terrified cause my friend was unable to fall asleep.

I think it was symbolic of me dying due to the trauma of microsleeping/Psychosis.

I really wish I could get over that trauma.

I reattached the heart monitor today I'm taking it off at like 8 p.m cause I'm not being woken up in the middle of the night with my chest all itchy and having to carefully remove it with hot water and a rag. Then I won't be able to fall back to sleep without copiuos amounts of drugs... so I'll take of it off before bed so it can't interrupt my sleeping pill from keeping me knocked out.

I had a couple good nights sleeping where I stayed asleep solidly through the night. Without needing to pee. Something that helped was not having that monitor on waking me up making me remove it.

I wish I didn't have to celebrate getting 7 hours of sleep and not waking up at the 4 hour mark, needing to pee and taking copiuos amount of drugs and it taking me 1-2 hours to get back to sleep.

I wake up multiple times in pain cause I have to pee so badly despite controlling my fluid intake before bed. But there is nothing I can do. It's lay there in pain and fall back to sleep or struggle to fall back to sleep and take a lot of drugs... and maybe not fall back to sleep.

After I posted what I posted last night, "what Sarah said" by Death Cab for Cutie started playing in my head maybe a hour later. "Love is watching someone die." Specifically and then, "and it came to me then that every plan is a tiny pray to father time."

I don't believe you're here but my brain wants to. I said that if you were here and you weren't reaching out, it would be cruel bc you're watching me suffer when you could be reaching out a hand.

Maybe I should look at it like this, "love is watching someone die." Cause it is. So if you're here and you can't talk to me bc you're in love with me and you're trying to set up your life before you show up its forgivable bc it's true. Love is watching someone die.

The tiny pray to father time part is maybe I'll hold on but you don't get it. It's awful listening to this hallucination 24/7. I never have a good day. I've completely flat lined and when I say I wouldn't want a gf so badly if I had internal peace I mean that.

I enjoy my alone time and game days so much but I dont anymore cause I hallucinate whenever I'm alone. I actually like being alone more than I like being around people. People suck and you have to compromise on everything. When I'm alone if I had internal peace I can do whatever I want whenever I want. I don't have to compromise on anything. Thats the sad part. I'd rather know few people and have tight relationships than be surrounded by people.

I used to LOVE my alone time now I would if I ever had a second of silence.

And generally the people i can hang out with I don't like much. I mean it doesn't apply to everyone but most are toxic... just bad for me...

Even the people I do like, like John for instance we have a lot in common but we still have to compromise. He loves zombies. I hate fucking zombies but like there aren't too many co-op games. Instead of playing what I want I have to compromise bc of the lack of co-op games and being a good friend is compromising. He wants to play zombies so I should. He compromises too.

That's the thing about relationships. I love being alone but all I do is hallucinate. If I could hang out alone and just play minecraft in peace and silence I'd be so happy. My quality of life would get so much better.

Part of me believes you read my tumblr but if you're here and you're not going to be my girl one day if it works out you got to reach out before it's too late. Being able to come to your house and have a Sunday funday or something and get to know your family and be around not toxic people could really help my mental health. A lot.

[beetsandskzreads]

silent bright summer night

bang chan x gn!reader, y/n works with skz and became their friend (the ultimate dream haha)

genre: tooth-rotening fluff, slight angst with a happy ending

notes/warnings: nothing intense, this is very fluffy, there's brief mentions of cheating, long distance, y/n's exes, fear of abandonment, slight insecurities, deep talks, reader and chan are slightly wine drunk, y/n and chan are whipped, y/n makes it explicit they want to date someone very warm and caring (aka chan), i don't think that's a warning tho djsjs just saying

scenario: on a balcony, at a beach apartment on a summer night of vacation, y/n opens up to chan about their past and current lovers. what y/n doesn't know is why chan is so interested listening to it.

It was 1:01 am when chan and I found ourselves in the balcony that overlooked the city and it's bright lights on a summer night. Skz had gone to sleep right after all of us came back from a night out of lots of fun, buying stuff on stores by the beach, having ice cream, seeing the view of the city lights reflecting on the sea water, appreciating street artists...

The two of us had been talking the whole evening, we hung out as a group but mostly just spoke to each other and laughed at the members jokes, both of us having a sparkle in our eye every time we saw the group happy. There was this unspoken pleasantness, a bliss, calmness in the air but with a lot of excitement. Chan was so happy to be around the sea with "the kids" as he refers to them and being at the beach almost 24/7 this week, it was like his natural habitat, his home, a comfort place. It left you feeling even softer for him, and as you shared your love for the sea, your feelings were at a peak. You liked Chan, and you loved this place as much as he did.

The night was so great, everyone was out like a lightweight as soon as we arrived to the vacation apartment we're in. Chan and I were testing the theory that a glass of wine would help us get drowsy and help us fall asleep as well, since we both have trouble falling asleep and felt nothing but a remaining excitement from the night out. It came to me especially because of the enthusiasm of talking to him, we were connecting so well, I didn't want this to ever end.

And so we drank (one glass quickly becoming the whole bottle) and we talked for what felt like hours on end, that neither of us wanted to cease.

- My ex best friend, she never quite knew how to choose guys, she always went for the ones that would never turn her way, the ones who obviously wouldn't care about her, not because of her, but because they were really careless guys, walking red flags. - I told him, I couldn't remember where exactly the conversation started but we were talking about nice people picking shitty people to date.

- What about you? - he asked

- Me? I barely even like guys, I mean I do, but I'm really picky actually, I don't allow myself to fall for cold people, I wouldn't forgive myself if I took interest in someone rude, I try so hard to take care of myself so I either stay alone that way or I find someone who makes me feel better, who knows how to take care of me, after all we chase happiness, I think a caring person could do that, someone gentle who isn't scared of emotions or who at least is open to face that fear with me by their side.

- I get it, it's hard to get by if you don't have emotional support, a partner should be able to provide that support, yeah. Did you ever... find someone like that?

- Yeah, in the past I did and even now I do know someone more than ideal... I guess my ex partners when I was young were going through a soft phase tho... I guess everyone has an emotional limit they were scared to cross... once I found that barrier the relationship stoped evolving, reached a dead end and so there was nothing left for me anymore and I left, plus, you know, cheating, long distance, a bunch of stuff really... it wasn't meant to be and I'm okay with that.

- What about that someone right now?

Silence ruled for about 3 seconds before I knew what to say. That someone right now is him. Ever since I've known him feels like he's the only man ever, but I don't think I'd tell him that, not soon anyways.

- What about 'em?

- What's that person like? What makes you trust they're any different from your exes?

- Sometimes I fear they're not, but I set the bar really high and I reset it constantly, to make sure I'm seeing it right, sometimes they seem so perfect to me that I wonder what good have i done in my past life to deserve to be around such a bright person. Of course they make mistakes too, but even the way they deal with them is so... mature, it's so easy to just solve things communicating, it's insane to me. Then I remember it's probably because they're eventually gonna leave me too, or just not reciprocate my feelings and after they break my heart I'll probably loose all hope in love, be heart broken for two years until I decide I'm gonna focus on myself again... it's a cycle after heartbreak, but with this person I'm really scared, because they mean more. I'm way too deep in before I've even expressed my feelings, it's gonna be devastating. - I'm rambling, the wine made me do it.

- What makes you think they wouldn't like you back tho?

- I'm not sure I just... it would be too good to be true and it's complicated... he's amazing and I'm just not sure if he'd be into me, I mean, I think I'm lovable and I think I'd be a great lover, I just don't know if I'm his type or if he'd consider me. We have a bit of an age gap, I'm not someone who's typically pretty or specially good looking, I have my charms but I have no idea if that's enough for him to be in love. It's complicated with each others work too... - I notice chan's gaze on me, he has his head leaned on his hand on the table and he's looking at me with bright eyes, eyes that look tired and a little drunk but somehow, he manages to look at me in a way that makes me feel adored, I don't know why you have to make me feel so much love, Bang Chan - Why are you looking at me like that?

- You have no idea how other people perceive you, do you? - he ignored your question, probably because of his drunk-ish drowsy state - Everyone I know likes you, see, you're a naturally kind and caring person, you're attentive to people's needs, you make sure everyone feels comfortable around you... that's so appreciated by everyone. I think you're exceptional y/n, you have this charismatic way of existing, a refreshing and comfy presence everyone can feel, but to me... it feels like home. You feel like home y/n. So... I have no idea who that person is but I sure as hell know they'd be more than lucky to have you as a partner and they're definitely dumb if they let you go.

- Are you dumb? - my heart's pounding quicker as I'm about to do something I didn't plan on doing ever.

- Huh? No, why w-

- Because that person is you... I like you, Chan. In a more-than-friends way - I interrupt him quickly before I lose my newly found courage.

Chan could've sworn his heart stopped for a few seconds. Suddenly sobriety hit him like a truck. It was the alcohol that made you say that, he thought, but he wished it was true and you didn't drink enough to be lying about this kind of stuff, you had a full on conversation and you seemed pretty sober.

- Y-y/n are you sober? - he tries to navigate through the situation.

- Oh my... yeah I am, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything, it just rolled out of my tongue. I'm sorry... - you said as you panicked and tried to go back inside, regret filling up all your organs.

"I messed up" your brain keeps repeating as desperation starts entering your body, until Chan grabbed your hand, stopping you from leaving.

- Wait! You don't need to apologize, I'm glad you told me... You didn't think I'd say all that about you if I didn't like you as well, did you? - he asks suggestively.

- I don't know - you blush as you realize what he's getting at - You're just so nice to everyone, I didn't make a big deal out of it.

- Well, you should've made it a big deal, the biggest deal actually because I've been trying really hard to show you how I feel these past few days and you were so clueless I thought you were purposefully ignoring the signs because you didn't like me back.

- I'm sorry Channie, I just didn't want to assume stuff and get heartbroken if it wasn't true.

-Well it is true, so you don't need to worry anymore. I really like you too, y/n. And I've wanted to say it for a while too, I was just wondering if it was a good idea since you work with us, but I can't contain my feelings anyways... you always treat me so softly and you look after the kids really well... It just feels like you were made to be by my side, you're the embodiment of the person I've always dreamed to be with, and these past few days with the kids and you... it just felt like we were the perfect family you know? I don't think I could be without you by my side anymore... - he stops, he's been staring at your eyes the whole time and now they're starting to water.

How could you not cry when he's saying the things you thought you'd only ever hear in dreams?

- Why are you crying sweetheart? - he whispered, as he wipes a tear with his thumb, the other hand holding your hand as he stands closer every second.

- It's just... I'm so... happy - you smile through your tears - I'm so happy to hear that, you said it in such a beautiful way too... I feel exactly the same, it's like I've gained a family with you guys but you... I've grown really attached to you, feels like some parts of you are tangled in my heart in ways I couldn't tear apart if I wanted to... I'm drawn to you and when I'm with you it's comfortable, blissful, it's right. You're so good to me, it's unbelievable, but it's true, and it warms my heart. - you say as your foreheads touch and your smile grows, his eyes showing so much adoration for you, you could melt.

Suddenly you share your first kiss together, a soft yet passionate mix of sensations, and it felt like everything you ever felt around Chan but better.

You stare into each other's eyes, smiling like the little lovely goofballs you both were, noses touching, ocasional little pecks filled with giggles because you were whipped for each other.

- So this means we're exclusive lovers now, yeah? - he asks with a blushing face, a very silent giggle and a huge, uncontrollable smile.

- Definitely, yeah - you answer biting your lip until eventually you let out the largest smile you ever had.

Needless to say, you didn't leave that balcony to go to sleep that evening. In fact, you two watched the sunrise kissing and cuddling, talking about the feelings you had for each other, when they started, why you liked each other, covered by a blanket, not wanting to let go of each other now that you were openly romantic.

Han found you both sound asleep, you on chan's lap, head on his neck as his arms wrapped around you gently, on a chair in the middle of the morning. He obviously called all the members to watch you two as they assumed you two finally got together. All of them saw it coming, Chan wouldn't shut up about you and had written what could be an entire album about you.

They were happy at least you'd be around more often to cook your delicious food. And you both blushed really hard once you woke up to lot's of teasing from the kids, it was fine tho, you liked it just like this, it was home.

[mevekagvain]

Alpha

Chapter 1 - Alpha having a full head of hair is very funny to me. He should be glad he's not bald like his brother.

- Why is the woman the only one with a normal name? Chris vs Alpha and Counceller. Also how come she's wearing jeans instead of leather pants like them?

- Wait, they get paid??? Oh nvrmind they get paid in 'restorative medicine'.

- Doctor Heinel... Gonna forget his name in 2 mins <3

- Man asks Alpha whether the checkups are boring and then goes :/ when the answer is yes sjisisoso. What did you expect bro? 'No because I'm in love with you and every moment with you is bliss'?

- And he looks like he's having a crisis out of guilt when Alpha leaves. Which... I mean yeah I hope so he is a Union modifications scientist.

Chapter 2 - Ah yes the Councellor look alike. His name is Jax which I will also forget soon.

- Team Hades... I wonder if they were related in any way to Cerberus. Maybe also created by Aris but weaker?

- Anyway the hoop hood squad has arrived. Evil lady ily. Also funny that they have a dress code when nobody else in the Union seemed to aside from Elders in white and gold.

- What's with these teams being named after the leaders? Leader of team Alpha is Alpha and leader of team Hades is Hades :/

Chapter 3 - Doctor Heinel helps people escape but he's not always successful :(

- You're right evil lady. First priority is looks. You must be suffering greatly with your ugly teammates.

Chapter 4 - Is normal gym equipment even that useful for modified humans?

- Okay the equipment isn't normal but also not useful for the stronger ones. Makes sense.

- Hello random guy that looks like the P5 protagonist.

- I don't think being chosen for fully tested experiments makes you an 'elite' tbh... If the 'specimens' survived experiments that weren't the end procedure than isn't it likely they'd have been suitable for the fully tested ones?

- Poor Grain. First the chief makes many ppl in his team be experimented on again for something that wasn't their fault, and now team Hades is being typical shit at him and the others :(

- I still have no clue what they mean by central office. Surely the Union doesn't have a centralised office considering the Elders are... uncooperative. Maybe that's just how they refer to those in the Elders payroll.

Chapter 5 - Must be hard for Councellor being the only one with a brain.

- Oh Heinel knows team Hades? And who the hell is this mysterious man who wished for Heinel to return? Maybe Twelfth Elder if I hc they're also made by Aris?

Chapter 6 - Oh huh. That guy who didn't listen to Heinel didn't die. Or maybe what he did was part of Heinel's plan? I wouldn't think so since I doubt he'd be okay with causing the guards to become experiment fodder.

- Oh this is where all the 'specimens' Heinel saved were. Violent organisation my ass. The Union doesn't get any say in that.

- Poor doctor Gaurin :(

- Huh he knew Alpha. Through Heinel? Or maybe he helped with the experiments on him.

Chapter 7 - Yeah Alpha... the Union isn't just. They go for the most efficient method which is almost always a massacre.

- Jax you're picking a fight with a guy whose emotions are muted. Alpha doesn't know how to suck up to people, much less care about that.

- Aaaand he told the chief about the dead not-dead people... Idiot.

Oh ofc there's a fifth member of Hades. Ninja guy. So far we have three names. Hades, Simon the main asshole, and Jai the ninja.

Chapter 8 - 'After we explained many times-' you just said you wanted in like twice. If you'd waited like 5 minutes for the poor guy to contact the chief there would have been no commotion :/

Chapter 9 - Yeaaah I knew Jai would catch Alpha.

Chapter 10 - And Jai's dead.

Oh so Alpha's whole family was experimented on? That's very sad :( I guess I'll hc his family as being poor then. Or perhaps it was only M-24 in which case... yeah.

Chapter 11 - Grain and his teammates get the worst end of everything :(((

Chapter 12 - Chris is just all 'We're a found family dumbass now let's go.' Councellor is still going insane. But seriously... THAT'S NOT HOW EMOTIONS WORK. Why tf are they bringing up sensory organs when it comes to that. Like yes I'm sure every one of you has brain damage and thus muted emotions or none is likely for many of you but your explanations suck.

Chapter 14 - Gonna hc that since Grain is somewhat like M-24 he's viewed as an older brother figure by most of the people in the facility, not only by his own team members. Alpha especially though ofc he doesn't realise it unlike Councellor who's very aware of his own emotions.

Chapter 16 - Loved Heinel's spiel. 'I am with the Union and thus a traitor to humanity' like yes king exactly <3

- Grain with a machine gun! And he's dead iwi

Chapter 17 - Okay the last dude of team Hades was called Gusp. Just the evil lady left.

Chapter 18 - The human race wanted power sure but not human modification bro.

- I see that Alpha decided Heinel was his (other) paternal figure. Not that he knew this either.

Chapter 19 - Evil lady's dead and we didn't even learn her name.

- Chris and Councellor are dead too :(

- Two specimens left? Oh is it M-21 and M-24? Waiting period of few years before they were made into 'worthless agents'. Hell, they wouldn't even have realised that they were put into medically induced comas for years/decades.

Chapter 20 - Hmm the silhouettes definitely fit.

- YEAH IT'S THEM!!!

- The tragedy... M-24's younger brother died so he could live. And yet he only repeated that cycle, dying for the kids.

- Everyone is fucking dead. The end. All thanks to the korean fans 🙃🤡

Sidenotes - Okay just let me scribble down that Quispe needs to fix this mess.

[in-this-light-on-this-evening]

end of year asks (that i decided to answer myself because i’m bored) - 2019 recap

1. what did you learn about yourself this year?

I learned that I can do things despite my brain trying to convince me I'm not able to do anything.

2. best moment of the year?

The day I've been told that I can stay at the company I'm currently working at for the whole next year 🥺🖤

Also that day when my crush said yes when I asked him out.

3. worst moment of the year?

It was around May-June when things weren't working out for me and I had a massive depression relapse. I felt hopeless for many things, mostly my future.

4. what was the biggest change you experienced this year?

Job! I'm finally working with amazing people, my boss is just awesome and I feel like I've found not only great coworkers but also a terrific new family that I love with my whole and weary heart.

5. best song of the year?

Just a few titles from this year's releases I absolutely adore:

Would That I by Hozier

Texas Sun by Khruangbin feat. Leon Bridges

Dead of Night by Orville Peck

Harmony Hall by Vampire Weekend

Like a Girl by Lizzo

Leave Fast by Sam Fender

Like Lightning by Foals

Alligator by Of Monsters And Men

Into the Surf by Foals

Emily by Clean Cut Kid

6. best album of the year?

Wasteland, Baby! by Hozier

Pony by Orville Peck

7. what’s one thing that happened this year that you want to change?

I wish I didn't stop training. I gained weight again and have started being super self-conscious about my body. Again.

8. best book/book series of the year?

Just like last year, I haven't read that much and didn't follow the new releases at all.

9. best television series?

Ehm, adulthood hit me like a train this year and the only tv series I've been invested into was The Witcher and Chilling Adventures of Sabrina.

10. how was your love life this year?

I deeply and totally helplessly fell in love with my coworker who doesn't know about my feelings and will never discover any of it. The tragedy of it all.

11. what made you cry the most this year?

Myself and adulthood.

12. biggest regret of the year?

Letting myself spiral.

13. best movie of the year?

Joker, The Lighthouse. Also today I watched Alita and really enjoyed it as well!

14. favourite place you travelled this year?

Unfortunatelly I didn't travel this year :(

15. did you make any new friends?

Yes! Mostly my coworkers and other people from the offices next to ours.

16. did you learn anything about your sexuality this year?

Still a horny bi, yearning 24/7.

17. what are some hobbies that you developed?

I've started a vinyl collection 🖤

18. what surprised you the most this year?

The fact that I asked out the man I'm in secretly in love with and he said yes.

19. do you look different from the beginning of the year?

I look the same, maybe a tad more tired 😂

20. how did this year treat you in general?

She kept knocking me out for the first half but then things got better.

21. what message would you give yourself at the beginning of the year?

KEEP GOING BITCH

22. has your fashion style changed this year?

No, it's pretty much the same as last year!

23. one of the best meals you’ve had this year?

Homemade pumpkin pie at my friend's house.

24. who has made the biggest impact in your life this year?

Not to sound like a broken record but... My coworker that I'm in love with.

25. what’s one thing that you hope will continue next year?

Keep working at the same company 🖤

[compoesure]

brain dump

the words won't come out properly, the sentences that don't want to be said 

1.

I miss the poetry I made as a teenager

I didn't expect to be 18 and at 15, I certainly didn't expect to be alive at 20

it wasn't a phase though

I still think about it 

sometimes blood is the only thing that could possibly release the pain where it can't be identified 

2.

I don't want to grow up

I hated my childhood

life was scary

but god its so much worse now

I don't want to be alone 

I've always been alone 

3.

the tears come through with no emotion

numbness like a needle 

4.

the addictions that pulled you away from the last are becoming unsustainable 

and im sad again 

5. 

I’m trying to move on

help people the way I needed help

truely 

6. 

I’m so anxious 

I’m so scared

I need to drive 

I don't want to drive

I need independence 

I don't want a job 

but I do 

confusion has a place in my brain 

7. 

I find relief in the fact that no one will acknowledge this 

I’ve nowhere else to document 

8. 

111, 222, 333, 444

9. 

the notion that things get better is so damn naive 

they do 

then they get worse

the good moments get better 

the bad moments get worse

10.

I used to think all I needed was skin on skin 

I’m still empty 

and nothing ever worked out

I still don't know if im ready for love

the universe, the things around me have made me think like this

11. 

this could go to 100, if someone is actually acknowledging this, welcome to my innermost thoughts 

though the get more gruesome than this

I sometimes think of what it would be like to bleed out on the floor

pretend I’m dead

12. 

I really just want to smoke but the anxiety to drive is too much 

13.

I want to stay in the same place

14.

M.N, i really like you. I hope we get to meet some day

total dad vibes

15. 

L.M,

my god 

I wish we could have stayed for longer

my heart felt whole laying on your lap 

dancing in the living room 

my heart breaks to know that I was too stoned to remember every detail 

Im glad you didn't get to know the mentally ill me

im glad we had no idea

im sorry it had to end

16.

there's a seven foot monkey that I just can't beat, the only apparatus required for happiness is your pain and fucking going outside. 

I don't like going outside, so bring me everything here

17. I didn't realise coffee by beebadoobee was about suicide. maybe its not. I haven't researched it. maybe im projecting 

18.

how does it feel to grow up with three sisters. a brother. together but not together parents in a big house. private school where you fit in. Feeling alone in a house constantly full of people. 

19.

it almost feels wrong that I want someone to cradle my while I doubt everything I've ever worked for. being alone is my strong suit. being alone is good. at least that's what I tell myself 

20.

two decades old and I had several new years kisses. I feel so loved when im drunk in a room full of people. made up. laying on the bed in the shed. head spinning. she looks so pretty, im sorry she's so so so sad. poison is the only this that gives me joy. im alone. maybe ill try bleach. or maybe ill try acid. maybe ill try loving again 

21. 

someone tell me im okay. that ill be safe. that ill be so goddamn happy one day. because I just can't imagine it. not in the near future. my hair falls out at the slightest of stress. who am I if i’m not pretty. 

I still think about calories

22.

for a blog with a renaissance-esque vibe, this is obscenely depressing. that's the reality im sorry. I know this is the a-side, maybe try the b-side next time 

23. 

my brain is becoming lighter. just for the moment. self care but there's a brick wall in front of the toothbrush 

24. 

next time you read this. I hope so so so much that you're okay. and not ready to pass out on the floor. I hope your making money, driving confidently without so much fear. you hold so much fear for life. I fear its stopping you from truly living. 

next time you read this, please follow up again, please tell me its all okay. and if its not. please tell me so. tell me why. tell me what happened and the butterfly effect that lead to it. Im so goddamn scared. are you driving. did you get the job? are you in love, where you in love? are you healthy? are you still studying? is your hair still blonde? when's the last time you felt truly happy? have you seen the 1975 since 2019? do you finally feel alive? what makes you feel alive? next time you see this, go book that tattoo. spend however much you need. get the temperance tattoo if you haven't already. get the quote “don't trust your weaknesses” if you have. 

25.

there is so much hope in the universe, the stars in the night sky, the moon in the day. the ocean undiscovered, bands you don't even know you're obsessed with yet. silver linings you're yet to experience, love you're yet to fall for. next time you feel love, let yourself fall. fall so hard without consequences, for a moment, even if its only a moment, even if it hurts after. those are the times you'll never forget. 

under the rotunda in the rain, you showed me cigarettes after sex 

not far from the library, you showed my how to skateboard. we could have reproduced the robbers video that day. true romance. I cannot thank you enough for how alive you made me feel. I hope you felt the same. 

09.03.2021 - 10:37pm

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

⭐🥀TRIGGER WARNING!!

Introducing Last Night At 3AM. I Lost Control. Yet Another Breakdown, I Had about 30 breakdowns. No pity sympathy or attention. && NO I WAS NOT ON DRUGS! I'm over 1 year sober. Alvaro took over (one of my demons/alters) && Dancing Fire (another one) possessed me to the point I almost got a cop call. I don't wanna be a burden &: I wanna save fix care support be there for everyone and everything. I'm sick of being alive. But I can't do anything stupid cuz of me getting concerved to a state institution (which is way different than a mental hospital) cuz I've been in 215 mental hospitals & got diagnosed Critically/Clinically Insane plus over 10+ mental hospitals. All I have is my mom. The breakdowns the vivid flashbacks the mental illnesses getting 10x worse. No treatment will take me cuz I've been to all of them to many times. I can't process anything. My mind imprisons me. I dissociate 89 to 99% of the day. I've been thru every single sorts of treatments/medication I've had trauma 24/7 from 2001-2018. I'm losing my mind. And everyday it's the same thing and people get tired of hearing it.I'm so done with dealing with this everyday. I don't need sympathy. I just don't know man. My mom&& lil brother doesn't want me home, I can't explain what's wrong or going on. I don't wanna be a burden. I'm sorry man. I wanted to self harm again but I didn't. Imagine all my mental illnesses multiplied by 10. Imagine EVERYDAY HAVING VIVID FLASHBACKS AND 22+ Mental Breakdowns a day. I.am sorry if I'm negative. I'm sorry. I just wanna save and fix the world. When people ask me "how are u" idk how much reply. I'm sick of my mind. I feel like darkness is controlling me. I pray A LOT. Alvaro literally possesses me and gets in my body. I have mostly every mental health diagnosis there is. And NO I'M NOT PROUD OF IT I'M NOT BRAGGING OR GLORIFYING It. I just wanna help everyone and everything. Along the my mental health, I have autism, narcolepsy anorexia Etc. My diagnosis list is so long and I don't wanna be known for that. I can't even leave my house. When ever I feel a lil bit better, here comes Alvaro. But again I don't wanna be a burden. It's my job to be there for everyone else NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. I can't take this anymore. No pity sympathy or attention. I can't seek help cuz then they'll send me to a institution cuz I've been in to many mental hospitals. I'm doing the best I can. But I'm about to snap. I can't function. And I'm getting worse. I don't want attention I want to be OK. I've dealt with all this hell most of my life. It's hard to explain. On top of that. My physical state is getting worse. I'm finding more reasons to die than to live. I'm over 1 year sober. I'm a huge hypocrite when it comes out taking my own advice. I don't love myself. But i am over caring sensitive and I help obsessively. I repeat myself idk I'm just not OK. I'm losing contact with reality. I'm scared to keep going. But I got this.🥀⭐

🥀⭐Your Enough

Your Worth It.

Your Life Has Purpose

This To Shall Pass

Im here for all y'all in anyway I possibly can.

I'm sorry if I'm annoying. I'm sorry

Stay Strong && Keep Breathing ⭐🥀

🌙🌙🔥🔥🖤🖤🥀🥀HUGE TRIGGER WARNING🥀🥀🖤🖤🔥🔥🌙🌙

🥀🥀🔥🔥Hey my name is Izzy && I'm a recovering drug addict && alcoholic with over 1 year sober. This is the longest I've been sober being out of treatment. I've used mostly every drug there is. Being homeless 13 times. In 215 mental hospitals. In 3 foster homes (2 out of 3 were abusive) group homes, unlocked and locked treatment centers, rehabs shelters, crisis centers. Short and long term treatment centers. Which none will take me back cuz I've been there to many times. I've sold myself && got tortured abused raped drugged up for drugs and money to raise my unbio son, Anthony. I lost custody cuz of false accusations. I've had multiple near death experiences (some were suicide attempts && some were naturally done) my drug of choice was meth. I've had trauma 24/7 from 2001-2018, over 10+ mental illnesses. Some were caused from a few bad trips on PCP that I never came back from. I was sleeping anywhere I could rest my head, I had to be alert at all times. Tbh I havent been to a meeting in awhile. My sponsor is like family to me. I'm redoing all my steps. I'm on step 2. I've lost a shit ton of people to drugs and I was literally getting cop calls everyday. Drugs messed with my life. And having this much clean time is amazing. Most of my life I've gotten abused raped, literally tortured and drugged up. Sold. Prostituted, almost killed. But no pity sympathy or attention pls. Any clean time is good time. And I'm proud of all of you in recovery drug addiction is a special kinda hell. Drugs become your priority and your best friend. I got tortured on the daily by people coming in one by one torturing me from orders from Kimberly (my ex fiance who hung herself in front of me) it was one by one. I got so caught on in drugs that it was the only way I knew. I used to numb the pain. I'm so blessed I found God again. Now I have 22+ mental breakdowns a day every day. I found out it had a lot to do with my drug use.🔥🔥🥀🥀

🥀🖤Thank you for breathing even when u wanted to die. Drugs kill you. There's nothing about it to be proud of its serious. You Matter Yo Important Yo A Someone Yo Enough Yo Worth It Yo Have A Purpose, Yo Have A Story, A Message, A Voice, A Reason, Yo A Warrior, A Soldier, A Survivor, A Fighter. You Are U && NoOne Can Be You, But YOU. Your Life Matters YOU MATTER, Yo Life Has Value &% I'm Glad Your Alive. Thank U For Being Alive. People say that I help everyone and everything obsessively && I don't stop. It's very true. This is a shout out to my unbio son that I raised as my own, Anthony Castillo-Martinez, I met him at one of the many abusive foster homes. Where it was owned illegally by Andrea/Angela && Jimmy Miller. We got tortured daily. They were not licensed foster parents. I met Lil Toni there and I escaped with him to meet up with Kimberly. We lived in a run down hotel in LA. I became homeless again. Toni got me through so much and even tho I can't find him (he's been gone for years) your my lil baby. I will always love u. U are my world and one day I hope to see u again. I hope you have a good home now. Going to school. Just doing well in general. And I'm sorry for you witnessing what Kimberly was doing to me. I love u babes with all my heart. 🖤🥀

🖤🔥🥀I failed Cedar House twice. This was a rehab in San Bernardino, California. I lied my way out. And I regret it. Funny thing is I already read the entire NA Basic Text && The AA Big Book. I have multiple sobriety apps on my phone and I have an app that that has NA && AA Speakers on it. I'm reading the How && Why and I'm so proud of myself && I couldn't have got this far without my sponsor, Jaclyn. She understands me better than any sponsor I've had in recovery. Here's a list of my mental disorders, some were caused Or made worse by drugs and alcohol🥀🔥🖤

🌙🔥🔥Schizo-Affective, Bipolar

ADHD, OLD, ODD,

PTSD, Insomnia

Depression, Anorexia

Anxiety, Autism

Borderline Personality Disorder

Severe Brain Damage

Attachment Disorder

Dissociative Identity Fund..

Multiple Personality Disorder

Narcolepsy, Critically/Clinically Insane🔥🔥🌙

🖤🥀Listen I don't need your pity, sympathy or attention these were all diagnosed by over 5 psychiatrists, and diagnosed "Insane" by over 10 doctors. DO NOT SELF DIAGNOSE!!!! Anyways. I attempted suicide over 100 times. Self harmed in anyway possible. They say I'm the most high maintenance case in the system of California. And the next time I go to a mental hospital I'm getting sent to a state institution. I would do anything to get drugs. Jeremy && Izzie Baraz were my street partners. They both passed away. All I have left in blood family is my mom and brother. My mom. Says if I pick up drugs one more time I'm never aloud back in her house. My dad injected me with meth and heroin at age 9, he also tortured me daily. He passed away in 2011. I'm glad he's dead. But I take full responsibility for my drug and alcohol habits. And I hope I never go back. One Day At A Time.🥀🖤

🔥🥀This To Shall Pass, If Not Today There's Always Tomorrow

God, Grant Me The Serenity

To Accept The Things I Cannot Change

The Courage To Change The Things I Can. &&

The Wisdom To Know The Difference

Amen🥀🔥

🔥🔥Keep Coming Back It Works If You Work It🔥🔥

🔥🔥A Moment Of Silence, For The Addict Who Still

Suffers, In And Out Of These Rooms🔥🔥

🔥🔥Staying Clean, Im Never Going Back🔥🔥

🥀🖤I almost relapsed again on New Year's. I almost asked a stranger to buy me Vodka. But God told me to stop.

I'm Always Here 4 All Of You, No matter What.

I'd Do Anything To Keep Y'all Alive && Breathing. To Make U OK. to Save && Fix U && Take Your Pain Away. I Love Y'all. Keep Coming Back.🖤🥀