#would getting bitten and rolled by a BOW croc be....

[citrine-elephant]

thinkin about leon suffering blood loss, mild delirium, and laughing his fuckin ass off at nonsense while chris is trying to get this motherfucker to safety

leon's just in chris' chest, breathless and giggling, but he can't remember wtf it was about, and that's only fueling the giggle-fit.

for some reason,,,

[blubushie]

Honestly it would be really hilarious to hear the crocodile story

also hi!!!! haven’t been able to catch up with you for a while so it’s nice to be in your askbox again!

You have chosen the [EGOTISTICAL BUSHMAN] route!

(Also hello!!)

A TALE OF BULLDOGS

In Sept of 2021, I did a couple-weeks-long job where I helped my brother and some biologists survey crocodile populations in Kakadu.

(This was how I ended up bitten by a crocodile. Twice. But that's a different story for a different time...)

On this day, there was eight of us. Me, my brother Jacko, a biologist chick I can't remember the name of who we'll call Offsider, and five other people--one chick and four blokes. Everyone that wasn't me and Jacko were biologists surveying crocodiles.

So we're on the boat, Jacko and I are shooting the breeze, the scientists are mostly ignoring him and paying attention to me. If they want to ask something it's directed to me. It seems they didn't think he spoke English or something, or maybe they didn't wanna pester him with whitefella questions, or maybe they were just racist or something. No clue, doesn't really matter to either of us.

I'm chatting with my brother about our plans for dinnie that night once we ditch these folks back in town. Jacko's got his hand on the tiller as he guides us down the East Alligator. I'm sitting at the bow of the tinny, pointing out birds and shouting back convo to my brother over the annoyed biologists.

I'm pointing out birds on the banks or in the trees, Jacko's cracking some joke back to me and that's when I spot him--a 5m/16ft croc lying on the bank.

It's time for some fun.

I shout back to my brother to stall the boat. He shut off the engine and guides the tinny over to the bank a little upstream of the croc. We all hop out, biologists get their equipment, I get my rope, and we break for the croc. Typically crocs will rush to water when disturbed, but this is a big bastard. He's not afraid of anything. He's the most dangerous fucking thing out here, what's he got to fear?

Nothing, that's what.

He turns toward us. He's watching us. Scientists look at me and Jacko. Who's going? Jacko looks at me, I look at him, we share this look. Fine, fine, ok. Send the short white bloke.

I coil my rope and head for the croc. I can feel this cunt watching me with every step. He's turning his head to follow me. I start hoping he just rushes for water and we lose him. But no. It's a standoff. I pull my balluk, stuff it in my mouth for luck, and hope for the best. Rope uncoils. I test the noose. It slides easy. Alright, fingers crossed. Wish me luck. If I die, spread my ashes at Gungkurdul.

I try to get to into his blind spot. He opens his mouth and waits. Come and try me, kid. Just what I need. I swing my catching rope and chuck it. It hits the end of his mouth and he snaps. Oh, that sound. Right on the loop. He's got a grip now and he's not letting go. I tug back--not that I'm gonna do much against a 700kg animal.

He rolls. I get rope burn on my wrists around my gloves. But hell, let him roll. He's wrapping himself up for me.

Rope gets shorter, and I get closer with it. When it's wrapped almost all the way around the snout, I rush him. Every person with us--minus Offsider, because she's bloody useless in this regard--jumps the croc.

I'm sat on the croc's head and shoving his jaw down into the mud to keep him still. My brother slides on behind me. Everyone else files in behind him. We've got this bastard covered from head to about 2m of his tail. He hasn't got enough free to hit us with it, but god is he trying.

Crocs are easy to deal with once they're restrained. Reptiles are easy to deal with once they're restrained. Cover their eyes and it's lights out. Birds are much the same way (unsurprising--birds are reptiles, after all). Crocodile jaws are also very weak. They can shut with incredible force, but their muscles for opening their jaws are so small that you can hold their jaws shut with one hand--provided you can get a good grip.

He's huffing and puffing and I'm slapping his mute button and he's still thrashing so I cover his eyes with my forearm while holding his jaws shut with my other hand. Finally he goes still.

We're all catching our breath.

I wedge the catching rope out of the croc's mouth and ask someone to get the duct tape from the tinny. Who else but Offsider comes to me to offer it. I tell her to stand back, because I'm a little crazy, so she stands right in front of me--right in the croc's blind spot. I slide back just a little and start tipping the croc's head up. His head from base of skull to the snout is the length of my entire torso, so this requires some stretching on my part.

But finally I get his head up, lean forward, and tuck the very end of his snout under my chin. I lean back and the croc tilts his head back with me.

And for a second there, I get cocky.

I throw my arms out at my sides and grin up at Offsider. 5'2" bloke holding a 5m croc in place with nothing but his jaw and chest. Apex predator, I am. Look mum, no hands.

I take the duct tape and wrap the croc's jaws with it. I let his head drop and cover his eyes with cloth and tape it down. We all file off of him and he doesn't move. We start taking measurements, they draw blood and get a biopsy, the senior biologist with us gives him a clean bill of health except for an infected snaggletooth on the left side of his face. The root's rotted, the biologist ends up pulling the tooth to speed up the replacement with a new one. He asks if I want the tooth. I ask if he'll give me a certificate to show it's ethically sourced. He says no and asks if I want the tooth anyway. Of course I say yes.

That's the tooth I wear around my neck now.

Eventually we cut the croc free and if you thought me narrowly avoiding being bitten by a brown and doing a gay little manoeuvre was funny, you haven't seen me shoot off a croc's head like a fucking gazelle after the tape comes off.

Anyway! Croc was released, we all made our escape back to the tinny, and I had my necklace made a few weeks later. That's the story. Blu, the bloke what once bulldogged a 5m saltie to impress a girl he didn't even like.