#worst thing in the world is being perceived and as much as I don't wanna perceive them it's inevitable

[breakingthefourtthwall]

Burnt out flames

Should never reignite

But I thought you might take me home

(**All photos sourced on the world wide web, I obviously don't own shit lol. Song is Home by Daughter)

[anirudhpisharody]

.

[fox-quills]

Do have any additional thoughts/ideas you’d be willing to share about Mobius?

OKAY FIRST AN APOLOGY BECAUSE THIS HAS BEEN SITTING SINCE???? NOVEMBER????? I'm so so sorry anon I'm on mobile 99.9% of the time and I don't know where that stupid app hides asks but I'm like the t-rex from Jurassic Park I can only perceive movement 😭

Second thank you so much for taking the time to ask about my mostest favorite topic in the whole wide world! Unfortunately there's not a lot I can say about the fic story-wise without spoilers, although I have SO MANY post-fic thoughts I'm dying to share. Unless someone really wants my thoughts on how gender works in this particular omegaverse variant?? I spent so much time thinking about something that's only tangentially mentioned lol BUT, I can talk a bit about the process of writing Mobius! Because it has been an experience. I started Mobius just over a year ago (april or so), but didn't really knuckle down and and get cracking until June/July. It started as aideku, because I thought it was an interesting ship idea, but the few fics I'd come across hadn't really scratched the itch. I didn't even plan on writing it, but my beta at the time kept nudging me, and before I knew it I had a wholeass plot. And then a first chapter, at which point I was done for. In the original iteration of the fic, Hizashi was only meant to be the supportive BFF, but something in the original idea run (I forget what exactly) made my beta go.... hey how come this isn't a poly ship? And the answer was, I'd never written one before and didn't think of it, BUT IT IS NOW. (If you've read any of my other fic you may have noticed that this has become A Problem, and also led to a stealth love of dekumic, because apparently I wish to languish in rarepair hell) The fic has gone through about four major version changes. Aideku -> aidekumic (which came with some major detail pivots even though the overall plot hadn't changed) -> suffering reduction (it was gonna be so bad) -> suffering reintroduction, but different. It's gonna punch everyone right in the heart but I don't think I'm sorry about it. I'm also going to have to sneak back to the first chapter and retcon a detail once I get the actual logistics sorted. OH WAIT I DO HAVE A DETAIL I CAN SHARE THAT'S NOT A SPOILER ANYMORE. Although maybe skip it if you haven't read the latest chapter. Hizashi was, originally, not going to get together with them this early (not until near the end of the fic, actually). They still had the bond, and Izuku did eventually figure it out, but for [redacted] he decided not to act on it. So they both thought they had a one-sided bond, and just... never did anything about it. For a long while. Which eventually culminated in Shouta being away, Hizashi having an untimely heat, and him and Izuku sleeping together because mash an unfulfilled bond together with overwrought pining in a hormone cocktail and you get bad choices. Which resulted in a lot of immediate guilt in the aftermath, even though Shouta had clocked them ages ago and wasn't all that upset about it. Then something immediately happened to make things worse, but I can't disclose that part because it's still going to happen. ;)

That continued to be the plan until chapter 11 happened, with all the snuggling and purring, and @fondofeveryprickle read it and was like, "...if you wanna keep this I think you need to reevaluate The Suffering because these things do not mesh." Which resulted in a lot of wailing and gnashing of teeth because that was a HUGE upset to the back half of the fic, and not something I was excited to re-jig. But she was right. And the new way was better. And then @scratchxiii said, "Hey what if we added Different Suffering?"

To which I replied, "Ouch my heart, that's absolutely devastating let's do it."

The blorbos uh, tend to get the worst of it when we're left unsupervised. BUT fresh suffering aside, the happy ending tag still applies, I'm just gonna make them earn it. :)

[javaghoul]

Uuuuh idk I guess off of that, when people relate to him because he's "hard" or "tough" or "cool" I always feel really. Weird.

I know a lot of people relate to him because he's severely traumatized and still pushing through. A lot of people want to be glorified like he does. That's fine - that's their prerogative. But I can't see you as cool or even edgy if you relate to him, yanno? He gets reduced to his aesthetics a lot and while I understand the ghoul perception of him (which is similar to some of these peoples'), we as an audience get to see him much deeper than that. Focusing only on the things he's doing that Look Cool and not breaking them down or comparing them to him as a character is always such a loss to me. I feel like a lot of the people I meet - esp IRL - that like TG often don't understand it, they just think Kaneki is cool and tragic, and THEY wanna be cool and tragic, yanno?

It's their business - idc what kind of person u are or u project urself to be. I'm more mourning the characterization of Kaneki himself as I watch it get twisted into this super cool super powered edgelord who's ONLY cold and detached now. A coldblooded killer who doesn't care about anything. A lone wolf.

No... No no no. It's cool you see yourself that way but you're SO missing the point with him. Projecting that onto him is doing this pansy such a disservice 😭 If you met him in person you'd hate him, you'd think he's a whiny bitch (cuz he is lowkey)

- Same anon as last time. 👽

yay hi again Alien Anon 👽

I haven't met anyone in real life who feel that they hugely relate to any of the Kanekis' (or spoken to anyone online who do), so I can't really agree or disagree with what you've said. I can believe it happening though. I have noticed that Kaneki will get thrown in with lots of other anime characters that fit into the aesthetics as you called it, when he seems like the outlier of said group (possibly because I'm more familiar with his story idk). When Kaneki is mentioned outside the TG fandom, it's a very specific evolution of him that is talked about: Post-aogiri, pre-interacting with touka again kaneki, with no mention of his background, who he was, and who he becomes.

How do you feel about him being compared to Ayato?

I've always seen Kaneki as a vehicle for the real story of Tokyo Ghoul rather than it being HIS story. He isn't a character that I think I'd get along with in real life despite having things in common with him (being orphaned, let down by family etc) and I can't imagine a much younger me ever relating/idolising him in any sort of way as -like you said- he's kinda whiny, silly, and pathetic at times.

I mean, he gets there in the end, but he takes several country miles in getting there.

This is me reaching, but maybe people like to relate to him because they like the turning point where Kaneki stops giving a shit and starts getting fighty about it. He's spent his life getting treated like crap, then he has the enough is enough moment and takes it out on the world. I think there's people that daydream about being able to do that. Could it be a bit of wish fulfillment?

You put things more eloquently than I did, so I don't think I contributed anything, but thanks for writing this! I feel that Kaneki is an off-limits character to criticize so it's refreshing when someone expresses a different opinion on him.

Oh and to add, you said people perceive him as tough: I've never seen him as tough lol, survivor definitely. But then my definition of "tough" is having shit things happen to you and not allowing it to completely change you/your life (for the worst) if that makes sense, so that's a personal thing

[booksandpaperss]

some ramble-y thoughts on men's social isolation and women's safety bc this has been on my mind for a bit

I do think it's really sad how men end up feeling so isolated bc of various social expectations as well as people being cruel, but as a fem presenting person I have to say that you can't just expect women and anyone who is fem presenting to just "start being nicer". ive seen a few posts on Tumblr essentially stating that but I have to reiterate it is about safety. I literally cannot afford to stop looking at men with caution and assumed violence until I get to know them really well bc if I stop that could genuinely cost me me life. its true that most men I see probably are not predators and im sure it hurts to be perceived that way, but I have no way of being able to tell who is and isn't going to harm me. I have to assume the worst because it is the only way I can stay safe.

it sucks, it really does, for all parties involved. I have so much sympathy for the men who are genuinely kind and would never hurt me that feel isolated, it isn't fair, and I myself certainly don't enjoy the *necessary* fear that the random guy im passing on the street could see me and decide to hurt me, but this is the reality of the world. there is no easy solution, but what certainly isn't a solution is expecting women to start being kinder to men they dont know because once again: that could genuinely cost someone their life.

The best solution right now I think is to continue to try to deconstruct misogyny and gender roles, and that takes time, patience, and understanding.

I have also seen the notion on here that men feeling isolated socially is misandry, but the reality is that misandry is simply not real on a systemic scale. men feeling isolated is a direct result of the patriarchy and a side affect of misogyny. a lot of things on this website that are perceived as misandry are either not real problems or they are but they're just the impacts of misogyny and the gender roles that come with it.

But it is very surreal to be walking alone at night, clutching my pepper spray and glaring whenever a man I don't know is near me, making sure to stay next to the street and make it obvious I know exactly where I'm going and still feeling the fear that it might not be enough and something horrible could happen to me anyway, only come back to Tumblr and see people saying misandry is just as prevalent as misogyny and women need to start considering how it feels for men to be looked at like they're predators. Touch grass seems like an applicable statement here.

oh and obligatory piss on the poor tumblr disclaimer: I know I am using binary terms so before any of you get on your high horse about it, I myself am non binary. I am not actually a woman, but I certainly look like one and therefore deal with misogyny. I fully understand that trans men and genderqueers of all kinds as well as even feminine cis men also fear for their life on the street so dont even think abt getting on my ass about that. oh and if any of you try to call this a terf post consider yourself blocked with a recommendation to get a refresh on what terf actually means instead of just throwing around the term when you see any post trying to talk about misogyny :D

final disclaimer bc I wanna cover all my bases due to Tumblr reading comprehension: im aware topics like this are very nuanced with lots of layers, please dont act like im obligated to cover all that in a random Tumblr post of all things, I cannot possibly cover everything nor am I obligated to. I simply wanted to remind ppl that actual lives are at risk and fem presenting people constantly and regularly fear for their life bc I feel like that gets left out a lot in conversations like this on here. <3

[matrixwhore]

.

k…so…hmm i don’t know if i’ll leave this up. im truly in a moment where i just wanna be lowkey. i don’t exactly want to be perceived too much rn. but this pride is really important to me. and i don’t really even know if this is worth anyone’s time, but i feel like i should say something...if only just to be able to look back and see that i did celebrate in my own way.

i don’t think i’ve had a pride where i’ve experienced it the way i would have liked, tho this is the year where i really feel whats at the heart of it the most. im queer and genderfluid/nonbinary. not just in how i love, but also how i live. i’ve had some recent revelations about all that that’s been really exciting, but a lot of figuring myself out happened in the midst of a great deal of crisis so there hasn’t been very much, joy or celebration these past few years. last year in particular was so hard i experience such a severe period of anhedonia and apathy i didn’t think i’d see the other side of it. iwtv was the first thing i was able to fully enjoy, and feel the enjoyment, and then coming on here and meeting so many amazing lgbtq+ people (espc. my black mutuals) has been mind altering. not even an exaggeration! talking and sharing ideas and laughing and just enjoying you guys has shifted my life experience in ways i wish you knew. i wish words could express it, but i don't think they really can. so i guess this is a thank you to my gay vampire show family as it is a very real celebration that i chose to watch it and that i'm still here.

there used to be a goal post for not being here. and wanting to see S2 shifted that. and then immersing myself within this fandom experience gave me reasons to push it further. and then suddenly i was being inspired to do things for me that i had given up on just bc connections i've made. and now i dont even know where that goal post is. it used to be so clear and in sight. i was almost a statistic in the worst way. one of the most effective way to erase us is by making us take ourselves out of life so they can say it was us all along. something was wrong within is. but nothing is wrong with all the beautifully complex and chaotic ways i exist. something is wrong with a society that doesn't want me in it when the world clearly does. when it keeps giving me reasons to keep going and keep fighting despite the opposition. even if i took myself out, i couldn't be erased anyways bc i’m so loved. as i am. im loved. and i love and that’s really untouchable. on the other side of not being able to feel, and not being able to care. im reminded im loved. and i feel it now. and i care so much about it that its given me fight. its given me the stubbornness and spite required to live in all this.

i think a lot about this.

[image description: a poem by Lucille Clifton titled - won’t you celebrate with me.

won’t you celebrate with me

what i have shaped into

a kind of life? i had no model

born in babylon

both nonwhite and woman

what did i see to be except myself?

i made it up

here on this bridge between

starshine and clay,

my one hand holding tight

my other hand; come celebrate

with me that everyday

something has tried to kill me

and has failed.

end image description]

i know theres a lot of pain. and grief and uncertainty that exists throughout this fandom. i know there’s a lot people are experiencing that they aren't sharing or getting into. if my life is anything to go by i know that suffering in this life can sometimes be so egregious you question what it’s all for. i question that a lot. even now. and i don't have an answer really. I don't think it’s my place to answer that for others anyways. but i’m celebrating you guys bc you’ve helped me feel. and care. and i attribute so much of the joys i’ve had these past several months to getting to experience you all. you were here when i came searching for something to connect to. even if i didn’t realize that’s what i was doing at the time. we’re here together now. and you may not know it or feel it. but just you being here ripples and reaches. so i really hope you’ll celebrate with me. they didn't kill us. and the ones that have passed live on in the ways we still love them. still grieve them. and honor them in everything we do. our lives are written in pen and permanent marker all over the world. they’ll tear off the flesh of their fingers, raw and bloody, before they ever succeed in wiping us away. we’re rooted in the core. the earth remembers us and keeps bringing us back. bc we belong here. happy pride.

[blinkbats]

Ok so your tags got me thinking. I have said “i am a woman” and i also hate how women are perceived, and being perceived as a woman. Does hating being perceived as a woman make me less a woman or more a man or not a woman entirely? That on the face of it seems false but it also looks like what I would be saying if I said I was genderqueer for this feeling. Would that make woman the status of being down with being perceived “like how woman are perceived”…? Despite that being a recursive statement. If so is sexism “caused by” people identifying as women in part? Like if we didn’t identify as women that would constitute not perpetuating the sexist cycle with our own self belief (about womanly roles) and so to identify with woman or man itself is sexist(??) regardless of agab. Gah it’s all so mystifying in the worst emptiest way. I think I might just check out and focus on math. Where shit makes sense and is useful to me.

Thats the thing is I don't think gender is like math at all I think it's a very vague thin silly thing like we made it up. It's the same as language you can make up new rules if you want or drop them entirely it's up to you to figure out the way you wanna move through the world. I don't know about the sexism part of it tho unfortunately I haven't spent nearly as much time thinking abt that over the years but I do think both men and women would benefit from freeing themselves AND each other from the strict concepts of man or woman and perception thereof. I can't do math at all btw I checked out in like 5th grade but have fun with um. What's a math word. Graphs and polynomials or whatever.

[bobwess]

I thought about this way too long and hard. Here's the thing. Solitary confinement has really bad effects on the mind, and I'd be hesitant to volunteer for it. I struggle at the best of times, I don't know I'd be resistant in the slightest to absolutely losing my shit and my will to live. Obviously, this does look obviously worlds nicer than solitary in prison, but still. Presumably there will be food and a bathroom. I'd only really be cool with it if I wasn't being directly observed, I wanna talk to myself in peace. I feel like for that money I'd pretty much have to say yes? Right? Even setting aside personal financial stability and luxury, the amount of good you could do with that money. At the rate it's devaluing I could buy twitter. I could fully fund a million charities. I could fully fund a space program that was actually for science and not rich-people hotels. That's right, I'm buyin' NASA, baby~ None of my friends or family could ever want for anything.

But then, in the perceived timelessness I spent in isolation, with only my fucked up thoughts for company, I worry I'd get fairly jaded and become a real fucked up billionaire. But then, I suppose you'd have to take the risk. Best case scenario i still help. Worst case scenario I am another Jeff Bezos and hopefully the worker uprising will take care of me when they behead all the rich assholes.

Or maybe just having the money would do it. Rich people are usually brought up rich though, so I feel like they're dragons hoarding their stash. If you accident into a stash I have to believe you'd be much more willing to actually distribute the wealth. I could also set up some INTENSE therapy and maybe even some institutionalization for right after I get let out, I'd have the money. Money like that should be able to hire a fleet of therapists and stuff to really help reintegrate you into society.

Didn't Mansa Musa once completely wreck the Egyptian economy by being too rich and spending too much money? Am I going to destroy the economy of the united states?

So I suppose the risk would still be worth it. And if I did suffer years of psychological suffering afterwards hopefully it'd still be worth it for the people who could be helped. It's a toss up.

Yes.

[hyenadon]

I've seen so many trans men just adore the barbie movie and i'm on that team too. And ive seen and heard them talk about how masculinity and patriarchy is this...it's a prison. It's a beautiful golden perfect prison. If you are seen as a cis man, particulalrly a white cis man who has no disability and no neurodivergence, you get everything. Everything. It's just fucking handed to you. You never worry about the pepper spray clipped to your keys. You've never even bought pepper spray. You don't even think about it, you don't have to think about it. And idk something about this movie maybe made me realize that I will never feel like a cis man. I will never feel like a man and maybe that's okay. Maybe I prefer that. But my connection to masculinity will always be through the lense of being trans and gay and having grown up as a little girl. I like my identity. I like who I am. But my identity will always and inextricably be tied to being a little gay and a little fruity. And I shouldn't have to just like. Abandon my history as a woman to call myself by he/him pronouns. I think my history of living life as a girl is important to me. also just tagging this back to barbie - the first experience barbie has in the real world is some hardcore sexual harassment. And I just wanna ask anyone who has ever been perceived as a woman - do you remember the first time you were ever threatened like that?

I do. I was twelve. I was twelve years old and a teenage boy screamed "i'll rape you in your dreams" to me when I was walking home from school. I was TWELVE YEARS OLD. That's wrong. that's just WRONG. jesus christ. can you just imagine offering that violence to a child? and like. I actually can't even imagine being a teenage boy offering that violence to someone. I don't want to be that. I don't like that. I feel deeply viscerally uncomfortable with the fact - the *fact* that men and masculinity are tied along with violence. And so this whole thing is making me think. This stupid little movie about dolls, this stupid, derivative, easy movie, about a fucking doll, it's making me think harder than I have in- god, i swear, years.

The brain is a muscle (it's not, it's an organ, but stay with me for the metaphor) and I am working it out so hard that my brain is so sore. I'm thinking about so much. I'm thinking about my own gender and how gender is inextricably linked to power dynamics. I'm also thinking about men and masculinity. I'm also thinking about how I need to read some more bell hooks. I'm also thinking about feminist pedagogy. i'm also thinking about how like. well. the movie did indeed feature many characters of color, the movie was still incredibly white, and therefore the movie is and will always be about white feminism. I'm thinking about how there is nothing I can do to fix it. The world. I can't fix it. It's wrong and awful and I can't fix it. I can't be a woman enough to fix it and I can't be a good enough man to fix it. There is something so wrong and broken about the world. I want to make it better. I can't.

I don't even know what to do or what to say. This movie gave me a boost in self confidence - that's great - but as I said to my bestie - I don't want that. I don't wanna feel smart. I don't enjoy this. Feeling smart means I am aware of how awful the world is. How incredibly prevalent misogyny is. Every second of every day is misogynist. Every movie. Every tv show. Every book. It's hatred. I mean. I like that I know i'm smart now, my Media Analysis Powers are turned the fuck ON (ive always known that my superpowers are just in analyzing media and writing. even when I am at my worst self hatey self, I know that I can think about fiction, and write)

but I want my media analysis powers turned back off. because it's *painful* to think about this. It hurts too much. Its only been a couple days and I am so, so tired.

being aware of the world and myself and my friends and the systems that oppress us. It sucks. i feel stabbed.

[ddudumemes]

SOUR SENTENCE STARTERS 

(( collection of ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY THREE sentence starters taken from OLIVIA  RODRIGO’s first album ‘ SOUR ’ . ))

001.  BRUTAL  . ‘  i  think  that  i'll  die  before  i  drink  .  ’ ‘  who  likes  me  ??  ’ ‘  who  hates  you  ??  ’ ‘  who  am  i  if  not  exploited  ??  ’ ‘  where's  my  fucking  teenage  dream  ??  ’ ‘  i  don't  stick  up  for  myself  .  ’ ‘  i'm  anxious  and  nothing  can  help  .  ’ ‘  and  i  wish  i'd  done  this  before  .  ’ ‘  and  i  wish  people  liked  me  more  .  ’ ‘  all  i  did  was  try  my  best  ,  this  the  kinda  thanks  i  get  ??  ’ ‘  i  wish  i  could  disappear  .  ’ ‘  ego  crush  is  so  severe  .  ’ ‘  god  ,  it's  brutal  out  here  .  ’ ‘  i  feel  like  no  one  wants  me  .  ’ ‘  and  i  hate  the  way  i'm  perceived  .  ’ ‘  i  only  have  two  real  friends  .  ’ ‘  lately  ,  i'm  a  nervous  wreck  .  ’ ‘  i'm  not  cool  ,  and  i'm  not  smart  ,  and  i  can't  even  parallel  park  .  ’ ‘  got  a  broken  ego  ,  and  broken  heart  .  ’ ‘  god  ,  i  don't  even  know  where  to  start  .  ’

002.  TRAITOR  . ‘  i  played  dumb  ,  but  i  always  knew  .  ’ ‘  i  kept  quiet  so  i  could  keep  you  .  ’ ‘  ain't  it  funny  how  you  ran  to  her  the  second  that  we  called  it  quits  ??  ’ ‘  ain't  it  funny  how  you  said  you  were  friends  ??  now  it  sure  as  hell  don't  look  like  it  .  ’ ‘  you  betrayed  me  .  ’ ‘  i  know  that  you'll  never  feel  sorry  for  the  way  i  hurt  .  ’ ‘  you  talked  to  her  when  we  were  together  .  ’ ‘  loved  you  at  your  worst  ,  but  that  didn't  matter  .  ’ ‘  it  took  you  two  weeks  to  go  off  and  date  her  .  ’ ‘  guess  you  didn't  cheat  ,  but  you're  still  a  traitor  .  ’ ‘  there's  no  damn  way  that  you  could  fall  in  love  with  somebody  that  quickly  .  ’ ‘  remember  i  brought  her  up  and  you  told  me  i  was  paranoid  ??  ’ ‘  god  ,  i  wish  that  you  had  thought  this  through  before  i  went  and  fell  in  love  with  you  .  ’ ‘  you  gave  me  your  word  ,  but  that  didn't  matter  .  ’ 003.  DRIVERS  LICENSE  . ‘  i  got  my  driver's  license  last  week  .  ’ ‘  you  were  so excited for  me  .  ’ ‘  and  you're  probably  with  that  blonde  girl  who  always  made  me  doubt  .  ’ ‘  she's  everything  i'm  insecure  about  .  ’ ‘  how  could  i  ever  love  someone  else  ??  ’ ‘  i  know  we  weren't  perfect  but  i've  never  felt  this  way  for  no  one  .  ’ ‘  i  just  can't  imagine  how  you  could  be  so  okay  now  that  i'm  gone  .  ’ ‘  guess  you  didn't  mean  what  you  wrote  in  that  song  about  me  .  ’ ‘  you  said  forever  ,  now  i  drive  alone  past  your  street  .  ’ ‘   all  my  friends  are  tired  of  hearing  how  much  i  miss  you  .  ’ ‘  they'll  never  know  you  the  way  that  i  do  .  ’ ‘  today  ,  i  drove  through  the  suburbs  and  pictured  i  was  driving  home  to  you  .  ’ ‘  i  still  fuckin'  love  you  ,  babe  .  ’ ‘  i  still  hear  your  voice  in  the  traffic  .  ’ ‘  i  know  we're  through  but  i  still  fuckin'  love  you  .  ’

004.  1  STEP  FORWARD  ,  3  STEPS  BACK  . ‘  all  i  did  was  speak  normally  .  somehow  ,  i  still  struck  a  nerve  .  ’ ‘  you  got  me  fucked  up  in  the  head  ,  boy  .  ’ ‘  never  doubted  myself  so  much  .  ’ ‘  am  i  pretty  ??  am  i  fun  ??  ’ ‘  i  hate  that  i  give  you  power  over  that  kinda  stuff  .  ’ ‘  it's  always  one  step  forward  and  three  steps  back  .  ’ ‘  i'm  the  love  of  your  life  until  i  make  you  mad  .  ’ ‘  do  you  love  me  ,  want  me  ,  hate  me  ??  ’ ‘  i  don't  understand  .  ’ ‘  maybe  in  some  masochistic  way  i  kind  of  find  it  all  exciting  .  ’ ‘  which  lover  will  i  get  today  ??  ’ ‘  will  you  walk  me  to  the  door  or  send  me  home  crying  ??  ’ ‘  did  i  say  something  wrong  ??  ’ ‘  it's  back  and  forth  ,  going  over  everything  i  said  .  ’ ‘  did  i  do  something  wrong  ??  ’ ‘  maybe  this  is  all  your  fault  instead  .  ’ ‘  i'd  leave  you  ,  but  the  rollercoaster's  all  i've  ever  had  .  ’

005.  DEJA  VU  . ‘  so  when  you  gonna  tell  her  that  we  did  that  too  ??  ’ ‘  that  was  our  place  ,  i  found  it  first  .  ’ ‘  i  made  the  jokes  you  tell  to  her  when  she's  with  you  .  ’ ‘  do  you  get  déjà  vu  when  she’s  with  you  ??  ’ ‘  do  you  get  déjà  vu  ??  ’ ‘  do  you  call  her  ,  almost  say  my  name  ??  ’ ‘  let's  be  honest  ,  we  kinda  do  sound  the  same  .  ’ ‘  i  hate  to  think  that  i  was  just  your  type  .  ’ ‘  now  i  bet  you  even  tell  her  how  you  love  her  .  ’ ‘  don't  act  like  we  didn't  do  that  shit  too  .  ’ ‘  you're  tradin'  jackets  like  we  used  to  do  .  ’ ‘  a  different  girl  now  ,  but  there's  nothing  new  .  ’ ‘  i  know  you  get  déjà  vu  .  ’

006.  GOOD  4  U  . ‘  good  for  you  ,  i  guess  you  moved  on  really  easily  .  ’ ‘  you  found  a  new  girl  and  it  only  took  a  couple  weeks  .  ’ ‘  remember  when  you  said  that  you  wanted  to  give  me  the  world  ??  ’ ‘  good  for  you  ,  i  guess  that  you've  been  workin'  on  yourself  .  ’ ‘  i  guess  that  therapist  i  found  for  you  ,  she  really  helped  .  ’ ‘  now  you  can  be  a  better  man  for  your  brand  new  girl  .  ’ ‘  well  ,  good  for  you  you  look  happy  and  healthy  ,  not  me  ,  if  you  ever  cared  to  ask  .  ’ ‘  good  for  you  you're  doin'  great  out  there  without  me  ,  baby  ,  god  ,  i  wish  that  i  could  do  that  .  ’ ‘  i've  lost  my  mind  ,  i've  spent  the  night  cryin'  on  the  floor  of  my  bathroom  .  ’ ‘  you're  so  unaffected  ,  i  really  don't  get  it  but  i  guess  good  for  you  .  ’ ‘  well  ,  good  for  you  ,  i  guess  you're  gettin'  everything  you  want  .  ’ ‘  it's  like  we  never  even  happened  baby  ,  what  the  fuck  is  up  with  that  ??  ’ ‘  good  for  you  ,  it's  like  you  never  even  met  me  .  ’ ‘  remember  when  you  swore  to  god  i  was  the  only  person  who  ever  got  you  ??  well  ,  screw  that  ,  and  screw  you  .  ’ ‘  you  will  never  have  to  hurt  the  way  you  know  that  i  do  !!  ’ ‘  maybe  i'm  too  emotional  but  your  apathy's  like  a  wound  in  salt  .  ’ ‘  maybe  i'm  too  emotional  or  maybe  you  never  cared  at  all  .  ’ ‘  maybe  i'm  too  emotional  .  ’ ‘  your  apathy  is  like  a  wound  in  salt  .  ’ ‘  maybe  you  never  cared  at  all  .  ’ ‘  good  for  you  you're  doin'  great  out  there  without  me  ,  baby  ,  like  a  damn  sociopath  .  ’

007.  ENOUGH  FOR  YOU  . ‘  i  wore  makeup  when  we  dated  'cause  i  thought  you'd  like  me  more  .  ’ ‘  tried  so  hard  to  be  everything  that  you  liked  .  ’ ‘  i  knew  how  you  took  your  coffee and  your  favorite  songs  by  heart  .  ’ ‘  i  read  all  of  your  self-help  books  so  you'd  think  that  i  was  smart  .  ’ ‘  i  knew  from  the  start  this  is  exactly  how  you'd  leave  .  ’ ‘  you  found  someonе  more  exciting  the  nеxt  second  ,  you  were  gone  .  ’ ‘  you  left  me  there  cryin'  ,  wonderin'  what  i  did  wrong  .  ’ ‘  and  you  always  say  i'm  never  satisfied  but  i  don't  think  that's  true  .  ’ ‘  all  i  ever  wanted  was  to  be  enough  for  you  .  ’ ‘  and  maybe  i'm  just  not  as  interesting  as  the  girls  you  had  before  .  ’ ‘  but  god  ,  you  couldn't  have  cared  less  about  someone  who  loved  you  more  .  ’ ‘  i'd  say  you  broke  my  heart  but  you  broke  much  more  than  that  .  ’ ‘  i  don't  want  your  sympathy  ,  i  just  want  myself  back  .  ’ ‘  i  just  want  myself  back  .  ’ ‘  don't  you  think  i  loved  you  too  much  to  be  used  and  discarded  ??  ’ ‘  don't  you  think  i  loved  you  too  much  to  think  i  deserve  nothing  ??  ’ ‘  but  don't  tell  me  you're  sorry  .  ’ ‘  feel  sorry  for  yourself  .  ’ ‘  someday  ,  i'll  be  everything  to  somebody  else  .  ’ ‘  you  say  i'm  never  satisfied  but  that's  not  me  ,  it's  you  .  ’ ‘  all  i  ever  wanted  was  to  be  enough  .  ’ ‘  i  don't  think  anything  could  ever  be  enough  for  you  .  ’ ‘  nothing's  enough  for  you  .  ’

008.  HAPPIER  . ‘  you've  moved  on  ,  found  someone  new  .  ’ ‘  i  thought  my  heart  was  detached  from  all  the  sunlight  of  our  past  .  ’ ‘  does  she  mean  you  forgot  about  me  ??  ’ ‘  i  hope  you're  happy  but  not  like  how  you  were  with  me  .  ’ ‘  i'm  selfish  ,  i  know  ,  i  can't  let  you  go  .  ’ ‘  find  someone  great  ,  but  don't  find  no  one  better  .  ’ ‘  i  hope  you're  happy  ,  but  don't  be  happier  .  ’ ‘  do  you  tell  her  she's  the  most  beautiful  girl  you've  ever  seen  ??  ’ ‘  remember  when  i  believed  you  meant  it  when  you  said  it  first  to  me  ??  ’ ‘  and  now  i'm  pickin'  her  apart  like  cuttin'  her  down  will  make  you  miss  my  wretched  heart  .  ’ ‘  she's  beautiful  ,  she  looks  kind  ...  she  probably  gives  you  butterflies  .  ’ ‘  i  wish  you  all  the  best  ,  really  .  ’ ‘  say  you  love  her  ,  just  not  like  you  loved  me  .  ’ ‘  think  of  me  fondly  when  your  hands  are  on  her  .  ’

009.  JEALOUSY  ,  JEALOUSY  . ‘  i  kinda  wanna  throw  my  phone  across  the  room  .  ’ ‘  i  know  their  beauty's  not  my  lack  .  ’ ‘  i  can't  let  it  go  .  ’ ‘  comparison  is  killin'  me  slowly  .  ’ ‘  i  think  i  think  too  much  'bout  kids  who  don't  know  me  .  ’ ‘  i'm  so  sick  of  myself  .  ’ ‘  i'd  rather  be  anyone  else  .  ’ ‘  my  jealousy  started  followin'  me  .  ’ ‘  i'm  happy  for  them  ,  but  then  again  ,  i'm  not  .  ’ ‘  oh  god  ,  i  sound  crazy  .  ’ ‘  their  win  is  not  my  loss  .  ’ ‘  i  can't  help  gettin'  caught  up  in  it  all  .  ’ ‘  all  your  friends  are  so  cool  ,  you  go  out  every  night  .  ’ ‘  you're  livin'  the  life  .  ’ ‘  i  wanna  be  you  so  bad  and  i  don't  even  know  you  .  ’ ‘  all  i  see  is  what  i  should  be:  happier  .  prettier  .  ’ ‘  all  i  see  is  what  i  should  be  .  ’ ‘  i'm  losin'  it  ,  all  i  get's  jealousy  .  ’

010.  FAVORITE  CRIME  . ‘  know  that  i  loved  you  so  bad  i  let  you  treat  me  like  that  .  ’ ‘  i  was  your  willing  accomplice  .  ’ ‘  i  watched  as  you  fled  the  scene  .  ’ ‘  one  heart  broke  ,  four  hands  bloody  .  ’ ‘  the  things  i  did  just  so  i  could  call  you  mine  .  ’ ‘  the  things  you  did  …  well  ,  i  hope  i  was  your  favorite  crime  .  ’ ‘  you  used  me  as  an  alibi  .  ’ ‘  i  defended  you  to  all  my  friends  .  ’ ‘  now  every  time  a  siren  sounds  i  wondеr  if  you're  around  .  ’ ‘  'cause  you  know  that  i'd  do  it  all  again  .  ’ ‘  i  hope  i  was  your  favorite  crime  .  ’ ‘  it's  bittersweet  to  think  about  the  damage  that  we'd  do  .  ’ ‘  i  was  goin'  down  ,  but  i  was  doin'  it  with  you  .  ’ ‘  i  say  that  i  hate  you  with  a  smile  on  my  face  .  ’ ‘  look  what  we  became  .  ’ ‘  i  hope  i  was  your  favorite  crime  ,  'cause  baby  ,  you  were  mine  .  ’

011.  HOPE  UR  OK  . ‘  his  parents  cared  more  about  the  bible  than  being  good  to  their  own  child  .  ’ ‘  he  wore  long  sleeves  'cause  of  his  dad  .  ’ ‘  somehow  ,  we  fell  out  of  touch  .  ’ ‘  don't  know  if  i'll  see  you  again  someday  but  if  you're  out  there  ,  i  hope  that  you're  okay  .  ’ ‘  she  raised  her  brothers  on  hеr  own  .  ’ ‘  she  couldn't  wait  to  go  to  college  .  ’ ‘  she  was  brought  into  a  world  where  family  was  merely  blood  .  ’ ‘  we  don't  talk  much  ,  but  i  just  gotta  say  i  miss  you  and  i  hope  that  you're  okay  .  ’ ‘  nothing's  forever  ,  nothing  is  as  good  as  it  seems  .  ’ ‘  well  ,  i  hope  you  know  how  proud  i  am  you  were  created  .  ’ ‘  but  ,  god  ,  i  hope  that  you're  happier  today  .  ’ ‘  'cause  i  love  you  and  i  hope  that  you're  okay  .  ’

[grayintogreen]

Rewatching The Travelercon arc and First of all Love Artagan so fucking much, but one subtle thing I love is the relationship between Caleb and Artagan.

They both love Jester in their own ways, but unlike some of the Mighty Nein they don't see her as Naive or treat her likea child. They trust her, and her ability to make decisions for herself, and they don't just perceive her choosing to see good in the world as being ignorant to the bad.

Like they way Caleb was more open and less hostile, while still being wary of Artagan because he trusts Jester and her ability not only to choose "good" people, but also how she can take a not so great person and make them better.

And how both of them make all sorts of beautiful Magic for her.

I don't know I just like two Chaotic Gingers who love a blue Tiefling.

Disclaimer for me (not you anon, you're valid and very polite and share my exact feelings), but I value every relationship Jester has with the M9 and Artagan and some tertiary non-Nein members and think they all offer different things for her and could easily be romantic or platonic, so I just wanna get that out of the way, because not liking how everyone handled the Artagan situation does not mean I don't value Jester's relationships with those characters. This shouldn't need to be said and I don't maintag my asks anyway and I'd like to think my blog is a safe space for complex opinions, but, unfortunately, nuance is dead.

Also I don't wanna say one thing and then get a bunch of people either going BUT YOU WRITE FJORESTER!! OR LET ME DISS THIS ENTIRE SHIP/CHARACTER IN YOUR ASKS. Or HOLY SHIT YOU'RE A WIDOJES??? Because we don't do that here. I am a multishipper and a supporter of all characters. I just have favorites.

OKAY WITH THAT OUT OF THE WAY... Boy, TravelerCon was a giant who's who of which party members believe Jester isn't a good read on people (some were projecting way too hard though), and that's all I'm gonna say about that, because even though I damn well knew that Artagan choked a guy to death for fun in Campaign One, I fully trusted his relationship with Jester from the first time he revealed himself. I trusted him more when I knew he was Artagan then I did when I just assumed he was, because, like... For a chaotic being, Artagan is predictable. What could he be using Jester for? He doesn't even like being a god. So I kinda spent that whole arc being OH MY GOD, GET OFF JESTER'S ASS ALREADY? ARTAGAN'S GREAT.

BUT I love how Caleb handled it and I love the very likely WHY he handled it very well. First of all, Caleb has always been a big believer in fairy tales. He cherishes this one story from his childhood where fey are nice and kind and don't steal children from their mothers and showed it to Jester BECAUSE it mirrored her own life (and because he's a victim of the other side of it- Trent isn't fey, but you could rewrite the entire Blumendrei story as a Changeling Tale and barely change a thing). He knows what the VERY thing that everyone else is suspicious of Artagan of looks like and what Artagan is doing is Not That.

Also Caleb recognizes that Jester was a lonely girl who made a fey friend. Isn't that what he did with Frumpkin when he was scared and alone in the world? He sees so many facets of that relationship and that puts him in a unique position to trust Jester AND Artagan.

She loved him when she knew the worst of him, even though he was terrified she wouldn't, and that helped him want to be better, and if she could do that to HIM, who thought he was too far gone, then why couldn't she do it to someone like Artagan?

[constellaj]

U mentioned disliking monty monogram in a post and I'm wondering why??? I don't see anything wrong w him plus his relationship w vanessa was far superior to ferbnessa

i hate monty bc the show forces me to like him? like i enjoy him as a dude to just hang out with hes not like Problematique(TM) or anything. but from a writing standpoint he is just... the worst choice you can make imo. like he is the last character i would want added to a tv show i was running

1) he bogs down the tone of the show into something too serious for pnf. he never has moments where hes Mocked or goofs up or anything, he’s just A Normal Chad. (nobody in the entire canon of the show even perceives monty as anything other than a straightlaced teen) and him being normal isnt ever played for goofs or gags, its not like he becomes the straightman of a wacky and zany world or anything, he just exists and then the world becomes a generic spy drama around him

1a) i dislike that theres not anything TO dislike about him yknow? like perrys whole situation is weird and heinz is licherally evil and candace is spastic and these characters all have really deliberate quirks. monty is just. Some Guy and I genuinely would probably wanna hang out with him but I hate that that’s all he is

1b) listen. yeah montynessa is technically superior to ferbnessa. but at least ferbnessa had a boy who doesnt talk with a F for a face wandering around in fishing gear after this badass metal chick. like that’s a funny and intriguing dynamic and at least it’s interesting. monty is *literally* some brown haired white boy in a gray hoodie who is always good at his job and makes bad smalltalk. hes a stereotype of a generic mary sue

2) his entire existence invalidates carl as francis’s surrogate son. it makes monogram’s and carl’s relationship go from funny coworker i-might-be-your-dad-no-i’m-not-haha-just-kidding-unless to “you will never be my son, and I despise you.” like monty is introduced via francis shitting on carl

3) everything monty does couldve been handled by perry, carl, or vanessa; there is literally no need to bring him in as a character at all. you want children-of-sworn-enemies dating? give carl and vanessa a meetcute (we couldve learned more about carl’s home life!). you need an extra secret agent to do a thing bc perry is compromised? let vanessa turn good for a hot second because she doesnt want the world to like, die. he’s JUST an extra character

4) he literally adds so little to the plot that, despite being set up like he’s going to be Vanessa’s actual love interest, he isn’t even mentioned in any of the finales. he *wants* to be a secret agent and he’s not even at OWCA. its like the writers couldnt think of interesting things to do with him and they just scrapped him

i hate monty bc at every turn i am forced into liking him. i WOULD play dnd with this guy bc i trust him. he’s a nice relatable guy who just wants the best for the world and has a soft voice and a go-get-em attitude and wears gray sweats and has a decent relationship with his dad and wants to date the goth girl except he can’t because theyre star-crossed lovers. “haunted by you” is a fucking bop. i HATE all of this because its like theyre just concocting as much bullshit as possible to FORCE me to like him, but then as soon as he’s offscreen, he has exactly zero impact. they didnt write a fun and intriguing character, they wrote a likable person, and there is a world of difference between the two

#letFrancisAdoptCarl2020

[tsrookie]

Alright, so today’s the three-year anniversary of Reputation a.k.a the greatest album of all time, my baby, the light of my life, the album that deserved a Grammy (trying desperately not to think about the scene from Miss Americana😭), the album that introduced us to the most beautiful couple ever, the album that shut Kimye up, and I better stop now, or else I’m not gonna shut up.

So in honour of this momentous occasion (and the fact that I reached 200+ followers! Thank you so much you guys!🥺 Love you all 3000💙), here’s a loooooong post on why Reputation is the Ethan and MC album.

1. ...Ready For It?

No one has to know

Throwback to MC saying the exact same words back in Miami.

In the middle of the night, in my dreams

You should see the things we do, baby, mmm

In the middle of the night, in my dreams

I know I'm gonna be with you

So I take my time

Remember back when MC asked for Ethan to get into bed right away during their first time? Ethan told them that he had dreamt about the moment for months, so he wasn’t going to rush it.

2. End Game

Big reputation, big reputation

Ooh you and me would be a big conversation

These two dating would be the talk of the hospital, and they know it.

Even when we'd argue, we don't do it for long

And you understand the good and bad, end up in the song

For all your beautiful traits, and the way you do it with ease

For all my flaws, paranoia, and insecurities

Think these lines are pretty self-explanatory😌

I hit you like bang

We tried to forget it, but we just couldn't

*gets war flashbacks of the ‘reset’ phase*😭 They tried to make it work, but we all know how Ch 8 of book 2 went😌

I swear I don't love the drama, it loves me

Perfect for our chaotic MC😌

3. Don’t Blame Me

Do I... really have to explain this one?

For you, I would cross the line

I would waste my time

I would lose my mind

They say she's gone too far this time

Do we need a recap of our rule-breaking MC?

And baby, for you, I would fall from grace

Just to touch your face

If you walk away

I'd beg you on my knees to stay

He was willing to risk his (mostly) rule-abiding reputation for being with MC. And there’s no way he wouldn’t beg for MC not to leave him if he ever screwed up🤷‍♀️

4. Delicate

This ain't for the best

My reputation's never been worse, so

You must like me for me

Ethan stood by MC’s side throughout the Ethics hearing, when her reputation was completely smeared, and people only saw her as a patient murderer. He didn’t know about the sabotages, but he would’ve definitely supported her if he had known.

We can't make

Any promises now, can we, babe?

Commitment-phobia🙃

Sometimes I wonder when you sleep

Are you ever dreaming of me?

Sometimes when I look into your eyes

I pretend you're mine, all the damn time

They spent so much of time apart, not able to be with each other, so the least they could do was dream of being with each other all the time.

5. So It Goes (an underrated af bop)

What can I say... it’s a sex song, okay? Don’t make me go into the details😂 Just listen to the lyrics, and all will be clear.

6. Gorgeous (Tumblr won’t let me put any more links)

MC’s eternal anthem to Ethan.

Whisky on ice, Sunset and Vine

You've ruined my life, by not being mine

We all know Ethan loves Whiskey, and the second line? C’mon!

You're so gorgeous

I can't say anything to your face

'Cause look at your face

And I'm so furious

At you for making me feel this way

But, what can I say?

You're gorgeous

Ethan Ramsey is famous for two reasons. One: his smart brain, I guess😒 Two: HIS LOOKS!!! HE’S GORGEOUS, AND DON’T DENY IT.

And you should think about the consequence

Of you touching my hand in the darkened room (dark room, dark room)

Ah, the olden days of hand holding in the diagnostics office🥺

Ocean blue eyes looking in mine

I feel like I might sink and drown and die

No explanation required.

You make me so happy, it turns back to sad, yeah

There's nothing I hate more than what I can't have

You are so gorgeous it makes me so mad

The wonderful will-they-won’t-they saga. The frustrating hot-and-cold behaviour. The ‘We can’t’, ‘It’s unethical’ and ‘It’s complicated’. MC deserves an award for her patience😓

7. King Of My Heart

I'm perfectly fine, I live on my own

I made up on my mind, I'm better off bein' alone

Ethan ‘I don’t believe in soulmates and nobody’s waiting at home’ Ramsey.

And all at once, you are the one I have been waiting for

King of my heart, body and soul, ooh whoa

And all at once, you are all I want, I'll never let you go

King of my heart, body and soul, ooh whoa

This could be from both Ethan and MC’s perspectives. The love they share isn’t something that you get easily. It’s something that MC has waited for her whole life, and something Ethan never knew he needed, but now can’t live without🥺

Late in the night, the city's asleep

Your love is a secret I'm hoping, dreaming, dying to keep

Change my priorities

The taste of your lips is my idea of luxury

This was definitely Ethan throughout book 2, after he finally gave in. He let go of his previous rules and regulations, especially during the time of the attack. He was clearly affected, and once MC was alright, his main priority was her, and her alone.

Is the end of all the endings?

My broken bones are mending

With all these nights we're spending

Ethan’s been burnt a lot in the past. But all those wounds are now healing thanks to MC.

Up on the roof with a school girl crush

Drinking beer out of plastic cups

They act like lovesick teenagers around each other, like, that’s literally their description if you choose to kiss Ethan for the first time in Chapter 14 of book 2!😅

Say you fancy me, not fancy stuff

Baby, all at once, this is enough

We all know about his initial fear of his mother reaching out to him for the sake of his money. To him, MC not talking advantage of him is a pretty big deal, even though it’s never mentioned. You just know, you know?🥺

8. Dancing With Our Hands Tied

My, my love had been frozen

Deep blue, but you painted me golden

Again, Ethan doesn’t have the best experience with love. But MC changed that.

I'm a mess, but I'm the mess that you wanted

This could go both ways, cause they’re both piping hot messes😬 (but love each other anyway🥺)

The rest of this song could have made so much more sense for them if we had gotten some sort of a secret relationship storyline. But oh well, I’m definitely not complaining about the gala😌 (and definitely not believing any of the supposed cancelled storylines)

9. Dress

Our secret moments

In a crowded room

They got no idea

About me and you

I mean... pretty obvious😌

Even in my worst times, you could see the best of me

And I woke up just in time

Now I wake up by your side

My one and only, my lifeline

This is practically Ethan’s train of thought, and you can’t convince me otherwise.

As for the rest of the steamier lyrics... I’ll um... let you guys listen to it yourselves😁

10. Call It What You Want

I wrote an entire fic inspired by this song, so excuse me for the shameless self-promo, but go give it a read?🥺👉👈(totally fine if you don’t! I’ve probably made so many posts about this song that y’all know the meaning anyway😅)

11. New Years Day

Don't read the last page

But I stay when you're lost and I'm scared and you're turning away

I want your midnights

But I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day

MC has always stayed by Ethan’s side, even when he’s pushed her away. These lines perfectly explain how she wants his worst times, and his best, the midnights they spend staying up together, and the moments where it’s just the two of them, when everyone else has left, like the aftermath of a New Years party (still mad at the fact that we didn’t get to see the gang celebrate New Year together😭)

I'll be there if you're the toast of the town babe

Or if you strike out and you're crawling home

The above explanation for these lines as well.

Please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere

Becoming strangers to each other would be their worst nightmares. Knowing that the other was out there in the world somewhere, but not being in their lives would kill them.

You and me forevermore

These two are each other’s soulmate, they know it, even if they haven’t said it yet. Forever wouldn’t be enough for them to shower each other with they love they hold for each other. But it’s a good start.

——————————

If you guys made it this far, then I honestly love you more than words can ever express🥺💙 Thanks for putting up with my Swiftie-Directioner-Ethan stan ass, cause I dunno if I’d ever be able to handle someone like myself. And if you read all the above stuff, then I hope you wanna know why this album means so much to me.

Reputation is perceived as a dark album, when in reality it’s truly about finding love amongst all the noise. This album, and Taylor and Joe’s story, taught me what true love actually is, and Ethan and MC cemented that. This album and these two couples (quite literally) saved my life.

The most beautiful part about both these relationships is that even though they never showed it openly, for the sake of their relationships, both Ethan(in the story) and Joe stood by the side of the one’s they loved, despite half of the people who they knew hating on them, or betraying them. And I think that’s what’s truly important. Forming a true relationship like that, be it platonic or romantic, is long lasting, and I hope everyone finds those kind of people to fill their hearts with. Sending much love, and sorry for being a huge sap😅💙

Tagging a couple of my Swiftie homies: @swiftlydarcy @nikki-2406 @dxnicaramsey @kaavyaethanramsey @caseyvalentineramsey @drariellevalentine @justanotherrookie

[mindninjax]

I'm just gonna...

in your inbox

I have a question too. How does one get back on the writing game after college classes almost sucks the fun out of almost everything you enjoyed? Aka, writing. Like I haven't wrote in so long and I tried to get back to it with writing a new Shouto fic but I don't think I did too well on it.

Hey babe! So I wanted to make sure I answered this fully instead of half assing it so sorry it took a bit. 

I’m in a bit of a funk with writing as well. I realized I wasn’t enjoying it as much anymore and that in turn was starting to make me question everything, and compare myself to my amazingly talented friends and feel bad about myself and ultimately wanna quit. 

Before I could do that though, my love of my life good friend @karikarasuno talked me down A LOT. She calmed me down a LOT while still being super encouraging and I was able to like do some soul searching and come up with a few things that might help you find the fun in writing again.  So here’s some shit under the cut. 

1. Write a list of things that make you happy- Yes just that simple. Write it out. I’m telling you, IT HELPS.  And here’s why. As you’re writing out the things that make you happy, you can sort of trick your mind (I am not a psychologist or an expert or anything I’m just saying this worked for me) into thinking that writing= happiness. That way when you grab your computer to actually attempt to start writing, your brain is like “OH WE’RE ABOUT TO WRITE HAPPY THINGS YAY!” 

2. DAYDREAM MORE, OVETHINK LESS- Ya know how they say your brain can be your worst enemy? It’s true. I’m not gonna sugarcoat it lol. BUT it can also be the best place in the world because ALL of your fantasies reside there. So my advice, daydreammmm, fantasizeeee, like you don’t even have to write it down. Sit there and think about the most self indulgent thing you could ever think of and then sit and revel in the happiness in brings you. 

3. Stop telling yourself your ideas are “stupid” or “not worth writing”- Ok so I know you’re probably tired of hearing this but I swear I will scream it until I can no longer speak anymore... and then I’ll learn it in sign language to furiously sign it at you. WRITE. FOR. YOU.  DO NOT spend hours and hours and zillions of brain power on something you literally don’t care about JUST because you know a bunch of other people will like it and reblog it. Because like, think about it, would you rather have validation on something you created that you absolutely love and put your heart and soul into, or something that you literally cried writing because you hated it so much and you wished you could just be done with it already.  idk about you, but when people love what I loved creating, it makes me feel so fucking good inside and sometimes focusing on that feeling, even though the fic or whatever only has like 10 notes saves me from falling into depression. 

4. Take a Break- There is literally no shame in taking a break to figure yourself out. the break can be for a day or hell it can be for years! Guess what, still no shame in it. I would suggest while on your break, you rediscover yourself. Yannow, why you’re writing in the first place, what used to make it fun, why you want to continue, what made your heart do leaps when you were writing, what your favorite part of writing is. ALL OF IT.  Self reflection is honestly so healing and like it feels like a breath of fresh air once you finally figure all of that out and then like get back to it. 

5. When you come back from your break, Come back because you Want to, not because you feel like you should. - When you’re ready to come back, you’ll know it in your heart. When you’re ready to come back, your brain will create the most beautiful, most amazing thing you’ve ever created AND the best part, you’ll be proud of it no matter how others perceive it. When that happens it’ll be the best feeling in the world. 

Honestly just take it step by step. Day by day. You’re burned out from college which is understandable. Allow yourself time to rest and recoup. Your brain is probably flooded and could use some rest right now anyway.  Anywhoo I hope this helps. I’m always here to support you babe!💖

[alo-piss-trancy]

(( A Dead Dove Warning before anything else: please read the tags on the ao3 post to decide if this fic is for you!

ALSO BIG PLOT SPOILERS FOR D/R TR/IGGER HAP/PY HA/VOC!!!

~~~

'For the mission to succeed, M/ukuro I/kusaba must look like, talk like, and behave like J/unko E/noshima, or at least the J/unko E/noshima her classmates perceive the Ultimate Model to be... But no matter how hard she tries, she can't seem to manage a perfect mirror. She's always a little off. An ugly, distorted reflection. Just as she's always been.

J/unko offers to help her with that. Especially when it comes to the most important part of being a convincing double and manipulating their classmates...

M/ukuro I/kusaba is getting everything she's ever wanted. And it's far more than she bargained for...'

~~~

So this is an odd fic to post during this month lmao, it wasn't what I was planning, just what draft got finished first haha. Some good old-fashioned Despaircest that was supposed to be for FemFeb. It's unhealthy, it's angsty, and it's smutty. The trifecta of my personal garbage fire 🔪💔🔥💅

I can't believe this ship is canon. I was already shipping it anyway but I love that it is. J/unko is such an impeccable villain and M/ukuro makes me so sad. It's perfect. ))

PREVIEW: This felt strange. She'd yet to really investigate down there since J/unko had made her wax everything bare. The skin had only really healed in the last week, and while she'd admittedly thought about it in curiosity, she'd never had the time (or nerve) to go through with it. She'd worn skirts for school before, but not this short, and not with her legs completely smoothed, and with her scars covered in waterproof makeup. It was a foreign body, and she'd never felt so vulnerable.

Her reflection's eyes were boring into her, with a smirk that was growing wider with every heartbeat. Her fingers formed a 'V' and pulled delicate pink folds apart. A blooming rose if she'd ever seen one, with the faintest trail of nectar already seeping out. Careful to only use the pad of her thumb, J/unko sought out the bud at the top, caressing it fondly. 

Every stroke sent another shudder up her spine, her breath growing uneven. Her eyes threatened to slip closed, but she fought the impulse, even as her strokes grew rougher, sloppier. Waves of pleasure washed through her, her hands trembling as she started to dip a cautious finger inside. 

"God, your cunt's wetter than a slobbering dog's mouth… Which makes sense, since you're always looking at me like a slobbering dog."

Her hand froze mid-stroke, the flames that had started to stoke in her stomach wavering. In one icy breath, J/unko had threatened to blow them out. "I-I do?"

"Oh come on, don't try to play dumb, you dumbass! This is your freakin' wet dream, isn't it? I've seen the way you used to sneak peeks when I was changing. You thought you were quiet in the bathroom, or under your covers at night, but I could totally hear you rubbing one out. In love with your own sister…" J/unko broke from her position and leaned forwards, all big eyes and a pouting mouth as she put on her cutesie persona. "Youw sweet, innowcent wittlew sistew!" As the aching, burning shame crept into her core, a sharp cackle erupted from the true blonde, echoing around the room. "YOU SICK, TWISTED FUCK!!!" The snake's tongue hissed at her, and the worst part was, it only stoked the fires in her core to burn hotter. She wanted that tongue deep between her legs, no matter how much nausea churned in her stomach. "God knows I've done some messed up shit, but at least I never fantasized about molesting a little girl! You are so goddamn gross!"

She could argue with J/unko. She could point out that, yes, while she was the older of them, they were in the same grade, for one. That they were twins. She could point out that if their goal was to create a world of beautiful despair, a world without any morals, then there technically wouldn't be any laws about incest anymore. Or same sex relationships. And even if there were, when had they ever cared about following laws, or the social rules of common decency?

But she said none of those things. She said nothing, letting the lashing whip that was J/unko E/noshima's seductive, acidic voice strip away every part of her. She took every fresh mark against her pride, let her sister rip her apart until there were tears on her cheeks and her chest felt like it was bleeding. 

And then, she found the pain in her chest belonged to the black, high-heeled boot pinning her to the floor. J/unko leered over her, and she tried to keep her eyes on the face above instead of the naked mound the skirt had ridden up to reveal. 

"You really do love being my bitch, don't you?" J/unko sneered. "That's the difference between us. I take charge. All you know how to do is serve whoever's holding you by the collar." And J/unko probably would have choked her by the collar too, if only they didn't have to avoid visible bruising. "Even now, you were only touching yourself because I ordered you to. I bet you haven't done anything in this outfit yet, even though you were itching to… Why not?" 

She couldn't find an answer, not one that would make sense to J/unko, at least. It was just as well that she couldn't, because J/unko didn't give her a chance to speak. Instead, the boot's weight was suddenly removed from her, and her sister dropped down to a crouch, snatching both of her wrists with one hand and pulling them over her head. She could have broken out of the grip as easily as breathing. Well, more easily, because breathing, it seemed, was suddenly a herculean task. She didn't break from J/unko's grip. 

"You really are useless for everything except for fighting..." J/unko sighed, looking incredibly disappointed, boredom draining whatever flush sex had brough to her cheeks earlier. Empty blue eyes stared down. "We'll never teach you anything at this rate. It's not sinking through your thick skull… You were sloppy and too forceful, you didn't match my face at all. Even porno actors would think you looked stupid and over the top."

"Sorry."

"Shut up. I don't wanna hear your mouth open unless it's a fucking orgasm."

[cs-discourse]

here we go

https://cs-discourse.tumblr.com/post/179953845684/uuuuwuu-every1-whos-concerned-abt-biased-judging

ok this attitude has been pissing me off long enough that it's time for one of my Big Ole Posts (tm) about how shitty this is! thanks. 

uuuuwuu every1 whos concerned abt biased judging in comps is just soooow entitled !!!1 i cant bewieve ppl wouldnt want some1 whos literally explicitly stating at this point that they trust their friends more to "demonstrate dedication to the character" they assign to a design to b an influence in judging comps !!!!!11 bc artists Never weigh in on other artist's comps, so obviously thes ppl just want fwee merc designs !!!1!!1 also my last braincell just died pleas h

so here's the og post in question for quick reference

i honestly have no idea why people keep bringing up this idea of bias in judging competitions because, while i do think there is a type of bias that certainly exists, i think a lot of so-called "bias" that people have is ... not whatsoever like what people think it is lol. artists are people and there's always going to be SOME kind of bias no matter what you do, because it's literally fuckin impossible to NOT be biased. by that i mean:

your taste in plots/types of characters/medias influence your judging

quality of writing or art can influence your judging

the person who's applying for the adopt you may have previous judgement about

even if you say you aren't biased, you STILL have preferences and tastes in things that you prefer more than others, which in of itself is a kind of bias

people who know you (friends for example) will naturally know what your taste is. 

a competition is judged based on what form the artist thinks is best, right? 

NEWSFLASH EVERYONE'S IDEA OF "WHAT'S BEST" IS DIFFERENT FROM PERSON TO PERSON ..... "BEST" is literally the most subjective thing there is, and while i agree that there are certain aspects of art and writing that you can use as objective measurements of tangible skill, it's... still subjective. what people think is "best" will vary from person to person because we all have different tastes. so, essentially, this boils down to the idea that the winner of an adopt competition will ALWAYS be the form the artist liked best, because that is what the artist perceives as best. so like. when people appear biased in adopt competitions towards friends or certain circles, it's probably because they're literally friends because they have similar tastes in things, and therefore the form the artist likes best is naturally going to be from someone who shares similar tastes. 

so whenever i hear about """bias""" in competitions i just kind of roll my eyes tbqh because it's usually followed by complaints of "BUT I PUT IN SO MUCH EFFORT" or "I WROTE SO MUCH MORE THAN THE WINNER" uhhhh. if adopt contests were won by effort alone it wouldn't be a contest, it'd be an endurance test lol. literally just "who has the most time to waste writing out 60000k words of absolute meaningless fluff"... because, i hate to break it to you, but ANYONE can write 5000 words of mindless drivel that has literally no substance to it. 

now in caps for emphasis. takes a deep breath

THERE IS NO SKILL NEEDED TO BLOAT YOUR WORD COUNT. 

YOU DO NOT NEED TO KNOW HOW TO WRITE WELL TO WRITE 5000 WORDS.

YOU JUST NEED TO KNOW HOW TO TYPE AND PUT SENTENCES TOGETHER.

quality > quantity, always. like, i'm sorry you put in so many hours of effort but, those people who win with MUCH smaller wordcounts... did they not work to get as good as they did with writing? you put in 5 hours into one tryout. but others, take me for example: i have been writing for over 10 bloody years. i've worked hard to improve my writing, so you can't tell me i "didn't put in as much effort" as you because i did. i put in YEARS of work to get better so doing simple things would take me LESS time now. inb4 IT'S UNFAIR! dude, the literal definition of a contest is for the best to win. it wouldn't be a contest if it wasn't like that lol. it'd just be charity. what you should be doing instead of complaining about it is ASKING FOR CRIT and WORKING TO IMPROVE like a good sport? i get that it's discouraging but you should be prepared to lose when you join a contest. it's valid to be upset about but the moment you say you deserve it more than others JUST because of your effort, then i have a problem. 

and you know, there's gonna be times where i think a comp winner is objectively less skilled than other tryouts. honestly i just kind of shrug that off on account of different taste lol. sometimes that's just how it be, bc of those predetermined biases i mentioned before, and maybe a judge and i are just in completely stages of life so what i call quality might not appeal to the judge. that's also fine. anyway this really got off on a tangent but i'm leaving it in bc i think it needs saying. back to the og post

 > i cant bewieve ppl wouldnt want some1 whos literally explicitly stating at this point that they trust their friends more to "demonstrate dedication to the character" they assign to a design to b an influence in judging comps !!!!!11

wtf didn't i address this in a different post

here let me link it for you

https://cs-discourse.tumblr.com/post/179841459154/post179838988303-the-difference-is-that-you-have

which was replying to this: https://cs-discourse.tumblr.com/post/179838988303/179837734509-idk-anon-i-kinda-agree-with-the

i said it once but i'll say it again: artist entries aren't main adopts lol. people don't work for artist entries. all you fucking do is post on one like "can i have this pls" .. there is... no effort put into that lol. main adopts you WORK for. it's a CONTEST. claiming an artist entry is NOT a contest. if a bunch of little nasty gremlins come running up to me like a hungry horde trying to be the first one to claim my design, i think giving friends first pick is COMPLETELY FINE, BECAUSE WHAT DID ANYONE ELSE DO TO "DESERVE" THAT DESIGN? nothing. you did. nothing. you're literally coming here with this attitude that NOT GIVING THINGS AWAY TO STRANGERS FOR FREE SOMEHOW EQUALS BIAS? i literally do not understand your logic whatsoever. like. i'm trying really fucking hard. at least with main adopts the "payment" is the effort you put in trying to answer the artist's prompt. i know i sound super dumb repeating myself but i don't know how much simpler i can make this concept tbh

and this is EXACTLY why i say ya'll are fucking entitled because merc and any of the kal artists could be making REAL $$$$ selling their own designs and adoptables and art and NOT deal with all the bs ya'll throw at them. they're literally here because the ENJOY MAKING ((( FREE ))) CONTENT for you, and they're not obligated to do this. they can stop whenever they want. if you had to pay per hour for the length of time collectively worked by ANY species artist staff, the lot of you would be fucking broke. i'm actually constantly shocked that species artists work like, 8 hours or more on some of these gorgeous designs just to give them away for free in a contest. 

so, yeah, as someone who hasn't spent my entire life on CS (i've only been here for a year and a half), ya'll seem pretty fucking entitled to me lol. the world outside CS rarely gives out such gorgeous designs in write-to-adopt contests so i'm honestly baffled at the amount of bloody entitlement i see

>bc artists Never weigh in on other artist's comps, so obviously thes ppl just want fwee merc designs !!!1!!1 

this part i don't actually understand what you mean. do you mean they... help judge other comps? or like, enter them? i don't get what you mean by "weigh in" but listen, lol. just because something DOES happen doesn't mean it gives you a good reason to assume the worst. i mean... of course it happens. it's statistically impossible for skewed contests and bias to NOT happen, because there's always going to be cases of it happening. but like, what proof do you have that merc will be biased lol? like, real proof? because your main point i've basically debunked and don't believe in at all. do better than "i cant bewieve ppl wouldnt want some1 whos literally explicitly stating at this point that they trust their friends more to "demonstrate dedication to the character" they assign to a design to b an influence in judging comps !!!!!11" because this doesn't make any sense to me for the reasons i already listed above lmao. if artist entries were supposed to be contests they'd be contests. what the hell makes you important enough to get first dibs on a stranger's work. ARTIST ENTRIES AREN'T EVEN MADE TO BE GIVEN AWAY, THEY'RE MADE AS ARTIST ENTRIES.... LIKE.... JESUS i struggle to understand ya'll

anyway im done here, if you wanna actually talk and debate this hmu on discord at lysander#9229 bc if you actually talk to me instead of spew this hot mess on the blog i might actually listen to you and change my mind and be nice about it instead of being a condescending bitch. 

wait one more thing

>also my last braincell just died pleas h

yea clearly

p.s., why do you ppl keep going to the blog to give critique on merc's designs when on literally every other design merc makes there's this:

https://www.chickensmoothie.com/Forum/viewtopic.php?f=38&t=3950980

here i even linked it for you. idk why it's so hard for yall to give constructive crit like decent human beings