#worst movie i've seen this year i was the first person out of that theater i would've had a better time watching trolls 3 no doubt

[projectcatzo]

Saltburn is a sentient-ass Pinterest board of a movie, and I mean that in the most derogatory way possible

[iam93percentstardust]

one of the things that really bothers me about modern franchises, and in particular over the last 5 years or so, is their refusal to commit. what i mean here when i say this is that it's not uncommon for a major franchise to make a decision, whether about the plot or the characters, that should have had huge, world-changing consequences... and then just never address that again or worse, immediately go back and undo it. and i'm gonna pick on star wars and the mcu here because those are the two big franchises i'm into at the moment (and i think they're kind of the worst at this), but i don't want you to walk away from this thinking that this is solely a disney thing. i've seen this happen with game of thrones and supernatural and plenty of other non-disney franchises. spoilers ahead, you've been warned:

in ant-man & the wasp quantumania, scott and hope make the life-altering decision to stay behind in the quantum realm and defeat kang instead of going through the portal to return to their world. this should have been a huge meta decision for the mcu, and when i first saw it in theaters, my immediate thought was wow, what is this going to mean for the mcu going forward? are we going to get a movie/miniseries about scott and hope helping to rebuild the quantum realm? how are cassie, janet, and hank going to react to the losses of their loved ones (in some cases, for the second time)? is cassie going to become the "first" young avenger because she has to take her father's place among the team lineup (and i only say first because as of this moment, none of the other young avengers introduced to the franchise are official avengers yet)? except nope, because less than 2 minutes later, cassie had fixed the portal that had broken way back at the beginning of the movie and brought scott and hope back.

and it felt like such a cheat. i was so disappointed in that theater, not as someone who was invested in these characters on a personal level (because yay, cassie gets her dad back!), but as someone who has spent years investing themselves in the story of the mcu. what was the point of wasting screentime on scott and hope accepting their new lives in the quantum realm if it was just going to immediately be undone? the entire scene could have been cut to scott and hope making it back bare seconds before the portal closed and it would have had the same emotional impact. there was nothing added by making scott and hope (and us) think that there was no way back only to rip the rug out from under us and go "gotcha! you really thought we were gonna give this movie a sad ending? haha! you're so dumb!"

and this isn't the first time the mcu has done this. one of the biggest complaints about endgame was the decision to set it five years in the future with no consideration for how that would actually change the setting of the mcu. characters were brought back to the exact place they disappeared from with no consideration for how things might have changed in the interim five years (like planes that weren't in the air anymore, buildings no longer standing, even just something as simple as a chair being unoccupied). and then the mcu didn't even really have the courage to address how this would have shaped the world other than a few jokes and making the bad guys in the falcon and the winter soldier people who cared about how the world had screwed them over during the blip.

and things like this happen over and over and over again. the accords are put into place in civil war, but by the time we get to she-hulk, they're gone with no explanation because, as best as i can tell, the writers didn't want to have to deal with the worldbuilding that went into the accords. gamora is killed in infinity war, but heaven forbid quill not have an emotional investment in a film he appears for maybe 10 minutes in so now she's back in endgame. steve got to go live in the past with his ex-girlfriend (which is in itself a refusal to commit after the mcu both gave her a different husband and had the woman herself tell him to move on) but we need to establish that messing with timelines is bad because that's what the entire next phase hinges on so actually his ending was predestined and it's only everyone else who can't change time. whoever took this entire town and also wanda hostage and forced them to live out a sitcom fantasy is bad and needs to be stopped but wait, it's actually wanda and she can't be the bad guy yet, we need her for doctor strange 2, so actually everyone's going to defend her now and say that no one else could ever possibly understand her grief. thor has decided to accept responsibility as king of asgard, but we can't use him for any more movies if he's stuck in asgard, so actually he's decided to pass it on to someone whose entire leadership capability is developed offscreen. i could list more examples but this is making me angry, so let's move on to star wars instead.

with star wars, i look at first the oft-quoted meme, "somehow palpatine has returned." yeah, i shouldn't really need to go into detail on how that counts as a refusal to commit but. the last jedi was a study in how johnson refused to commit to anything that abrams had laid down in the force awakens, but rise of skywalker was almost like abrams had looked at the franchise and said "screw you for taking it away from me, i'm going to come up with the most bullshit stuff just to spite you for doing that in the first place. and i'm going to start by undoing the most important plot point of the first trilogy: the emperor dies." and yeah, disney's kind of tried to salvage this by dropping hints into the bad batch and the mandalorian about cloning, but that only really works if you're watching the franchise chronologically and not considering that both of those series came out after rise of skywalker.

and then there's the mandalorian, my sweet summer child, who is, in my opinion, the worst at backtracking their plot points. i'm not entirely convinced that any of the higher ups for this show really knew what they were doing when they started working on it and i'm not convinced that they know what they're doing now. yeah, there's the tie-in to the last season of clone wars, but the mandalorian has managed to walk back pretty much every single major plot point it's had. din is this legendary warrior who can't be beat, but no one will watch this show if he defeats everyone too early, so he's constantly getting beat up (tbf, sometimes some of the fights he loses makes sense like the krayt dragon and the mudhorn, but a lot of them don't. at all). moff gideon is dead, no wait no he's not, now he's imprisoned, no wait no he's not, now he's definitely dead, you can totally believe us this time guys. grogu can use the force and must be placed with the jedi, but wait, the only person still actively teaching the way of the jedi is luke and all of his students will be brutally murdered ten years from now, and we can't have that, everyone will be mad at us for killing off such a cute character and no one will buy baby yoda dolls (and also we have to set up luke's character degradation from hopeful, believes-in-love cinnamon roll to "i'm going to kill my nephew") so in between seasons let's have grogu decide to go back to din (and don't even get me started on how frustrating it is that a casual mandalorian watcher also had to watch book of boba fett to understand why grogu is back). din has the darksaber now which makes him king of mandalore, that's totally going to be important and what the entire series has been building up to, right? wrong! he might have spent the first two seasons making connections, learning about the world outside his sheltered upbringing, and demonstrating the various qualities that would make for a good leader, but the entire third season will be about din realizing that actually he's super unworthy and the darksaber should actually go to someone who... saw an animal in the water.

and it's really, really frustrating as a viewer! because how am i supposed to get invested in any of these plot decisions when they almost always get reversed? why should i care that mj and ned have forgotten peter when ant-man 3 has shown me that they'll remember him the next time they're all on screen together? why should i care that tech is dead when half of the last season of clone wars was about how echo was actually alive? if none of these decisions have any permanence, then where are the emotional stakes? why should i watch your movie if all you're going to tell me is that nothing matters?

[risestarkiss]

Are you a fan of other TMNT iterations, or is Rise the only one?

Good question! TMNT has been a part of my life for three decades. I was the target demographic for the 1980's cartoon. I watched the first TMNT live action movie in theaters. I owned all of the live action movies, recorded the cartoons religiously, and begged my parents for their toys every year. I've seen the turtles through their heyday and on their worst day. (*cough* Ninja Turtles: The Next Mutation *cough*)

Therefore, all of the iterations have a special place in my heart. However, I've always wanted more out of their story; more family values, more brother bonding, more heart, more love. I wanted the boys to find peace and genuinely enjoy themselves! I remember watching an episode of the 2003 turtles (aka, the Beefcake turtles, fight me) and the ep starts with the boys sitting in their den playing videogames, just enjoying each other's company. Younger me thought that was so nice!.....Then their lair blew up, all of their enemies descended on them at once, and the turtles spent the rest of the episode fighting for their lives. That type of storyline wasn't just in the 2003 version. It was across virtually every iteration. To me, it seemed like the boys were always being...tortured. It felt like their family was being punished just for being different, in every single TMNT universe. I've said all that to say this.

In Rise, they laugh with each other and enjoy each other's company. They pursue their interests and interact in a world that doesn't hate them at first sight. The turtles act like brothers, not just roommates. (The show actually pokes fun at this. "We're brothers, but sometimes it feels like we're just roommates." - Don) There are episodes where the boys just do silly things, or simply have a great time, and love that for them! Of course they'll go through tough times, but ultimately I want these boys to be happy, safe, successful, and loved. Besides, after all that they've been through in the 40 years since their inception, they deserve it! So, am I a fan of the other iterations? Absolutely. But Rise is the series that I, personally, have always been waiting for.

Thanks for the ask! 💜💜💜

[see-arcane]

Just got out of the theater and holy shit

Saw X isn't just the best movie in the Saw franchise. It's one of the best horror films I've seen in years. Even if the rest of my to-watch list flops in theaters for October, I can absolutely see myself watching this thing again to make up for it

We finally got a film that's genuinely about Jigsaw and follows him through the story rather than dangling him at the edges or squashing Tobin Bell into posthumous recordings and flashbacks. It's about him and that brief but potent-powerful twilight between Saw I and Saw II where he was at his most active and personally dangerous.

Without giving too much away, it really cements

One: Why he and his acolytes are so goddamn scary-good at what they do. Better yet, it shows how pants-shittingly terrifying it is for their targets when the Jigsaw crew close in for the abduction

Two: How human and earnest John Kramer is in what he believes, the good and the ill, under all the sadistic torture-murder machinery. The cinematography and the script really work together to light him as a sort of time-misplaced Old Testament figure. If not a priest, then a classical demon who is there first to judge/punish/test people to grisly extremes, and if they pass, to immediately provide aid. All this without shying away from the fact that...

Three: Jigsaw is absolutely a monster; but far from the worst villain on the block.

The whole thing is fantastic top to bottom for fans and newcomers. It could be its own standalone flick. (And, mild spoilers, a certain character is left dangling as a potential future route to another movie. If it's anything like this one, I'd absolutely see a Saw XI)

Anyway. Bravo to Tobin Bell, to Shawnee Smith, and to director Kevin Greutert and writer Josh Stolberg. 5/5 severed limbs, will be looking forward to my nightmares tonight.

Also! For those heading to the theater, there is a mid-credits stinger. Don't miss it!

[hath-e]

So now that I've actually watched 10 anime I wanted to rank them from best to worst

1. MSG: the Witch from Mercury; I have not seen any other Gundam show but I don't think this one is leaving #1 spot ever, and Bandai were cowards and homophobic for not showing us either a kiss or the wedding even though they got married, also I'm so mad that I episode 11 during the hug they didn't even say "I love you". The robots became the least interesting part of the robot show (8th I watched)

2. Bocchi the Rock!; probably what I want most anime to be, can't wait for the movie('s), this, G-Witch and Your Name might as well both be #1, also I want a cute Bocchi plush but I can't find one that's affordable without a high delivery :< (7th I watched)

3. Your Name; A movie that I found on a trans subreddit about a year ago, I didn't think it'd be as good as it was or that it'd affect me as much as it did, but I was left in tears when the credits came on, the story went somewhere completely than I thought it would, 10/10. also tied for first place, it deserves to be watched in a movie theater so much (10th I watched)

4. Cowboy Bebop; twink and his bear friend go on space adventures oh and the twink has his own shadow the hedgehog (6th one I watched)

5. BNA: Brand New Animal; the one of 2 studio Trigger show I've seen but from what I've read and heard they have a pretty mid reputation, I really liked it tho, I watched it around the time I came out and it's a pretty good trans allegory (still feel a tad weird about the ending) (4th one I watched)

6. Neon Genesis Evangelion (and the 1st movie); (don't)Get in the robot Shinji, I had been interested in it a bunch, big robots and all that, but only just got to it. The self perpetuating loop of abuse and trauma that Shinji and everyone gets put through because Genduo can't get over the death of his wife is horrible and I can't think of a more despicable antagonist than him, the movie was so fucked up. I still struggle to get what Seele was supposed to represent. I loved every scene where the Eva's get shown as demons, those looked real cool (9th I watched) (watched it entirely cuz of Signalis)

7. Cyberpunk Edgerunners; watched this before I played the game, the abuse that David went through combined with the end that I miss interpreted put me a bit off and I missed the point, but I got it after a rewatch (3rd one I watched)

8. JoJo's Bizarre Adventure; now that I've grown as a person I can safely say that it deserved to drift from spot 1, part 4 is still my fave. And it's still really really good in spite of how low it is (1st I watched)

9. Guilty Gear Xrd & Strive story mode; I am both counting and lumping them together, I liked the oversized Smurf with a gun, also Elphelt bby girl, still would've preferred an actual game tho(5th one I watched)

100000000000. Future Diary; I've watch this in a trade to get someone else to watch JoJo's, they came out better off with that deal, I am also no longer friends with that person (not because of the show but it's funny to mention) (2nd I watched) I still think it's missing some zeros, just add however many you believe it needs

Honorable mentions:

- Signalis; I know it's not an anime but it's anime adjacent and it's the best story I've ever played through, I don't even like horror games or gore at all that much but I will 100% this game and get all the endings, I wish I could talk about it more but spoiling ANYTHING about it feels wrong and making posts where half the words are censored just so fans get it isn't gonna work

- Pokemon; I loved the XYZ and B&W runs but I haven't watched it all and only remember catching it on TV

-Scott Pilgrim takes off, I watched the first few episodes, I don't particularly care for it, but it looks pretty good

Dishonorable mentions:

- Attack on Titan; I've had a run in with the series back when season 1 came out, back when I thought gore was cool, now I have negative interest in the series, I literally couldn't care less and I'm only putting it here to be fair

Conclusion:

After the Witch from Mercury and Evangelion, I don't care for big robots as much as I used to.

Oh and I'm watching some more soon-ish gimme recommendations

[cornerstoreclown]

just discovered your blog and i'm already a huge fan! you write phenomenally, and i usually find myself picky when it comes to indulging in slasher content. thank you for sharing your art! 🥰

as someone who loves art the clown but hasn't seen a single terrifier film (i've only watched the dead meat kill counts for 1 and 2 and have seen various clips), how do you suggest going into them? i'm not too squeamish (saw is one of my favorite franchises!) but i'm so hesitant to watch them because the films are so... long. is it worth watching all of that prolonged mutilation for my silly guy? i think i just need a little push to watch the first two—i've been dying to see 3 in theaters! if you do answer this, thanks for your input 🙂‍↕️

Aw thank you! That means a lot. I’ve been roleplaying for 20 years so I’d like to think my ability to portray characters has some weight, it’s great to hear that it does! Makes my heart warm. Thank you. 🥰❤️🙈 Writing fics is way different than writing with someone else but it’s fulfilling.

Saw used to be a favorite of mine growing up as a kid in the early 2000’s but I will admit, Terrifier 2 popped my brain cherry in a way Saw never did. Saw is brutal, but Terrifier will prolong the brutality. I went to see Terrifier 2 at the movies on a dare and I will never forget the Bedroom scene. It had me wanting to walk out of the theatre until that kill was over because Art just was overkill. Still the worst scene in all the series IMO.

My suggestion would be for you is if you have a short attention span (like me), put it on the background or watch it with someone. I would suggest you do Terrifier 2 first (or 1), but Terrifier 2 is when you see Art’s personality shine through. The first Terrifier is best described as a tentative asking of the audience ‘do you like this character?’. Like putting out a plate of food and seeing who will bite. So you’re not gonna get a lot of personality out of Art.

It’s worth it if you love Art. 2nd terrifier movie has the least amount of Art (1 and 3 are Art heavy) but the parts you do see is good, and remember that you have free will and you can just jump around to any scene you want. You can skip ahead to wherever you wanna go. You’re not obligated to sit through the whole thing idgaf what anyone says.

Terrifier 3 is the cream of the crop to me, because like 2, you get lore. Terrifier 1 is just Art killing people just because, but it does provide context onto who our hot girl vicky is in terrifier 3 who is more of a main character. Because again, the movie was a tentative show to audiences to see if they even liked Art. I’m going to probably see Terrifier 3 for the third time this weekend. And next weekend I’m going to see Art in his santa costume (I’ve met him once before already, this’ll be my second time).

Terrifier 3 is shorter than 2 as well… by like 10 minutes lol. Art is great, I cannot recommend him enough in 3. You could tell the cast and David Howard Thornton had a LOT of fun doing this movie.

Hope this helps, and if you watch any of the movies, get back to me please! I’d love to hear your thoughts.

[kylesvariouslistsandstuff]

ELEMENTAL Box Office Nonesuch

So... ELEMENTAL looks to make $28-33m over the weekend... The autopsies are already being done, the expensive Pixar original is already deemed a flop... Here's what I say...

Box office is absurd: I mean really, box office runs seem more and more absurd by the year in the post-COVID outbreak era... Having to make so much money, in a very competitive field and in a time where audiences can't see too many movies a year, in around 3-4 months? Like c'mon, it's literally the infancy of a movie's existence. It's not the '00s, or even the '10s anymore.

Longevity: Especially since animated movies from both Pixar and Disney Animation traditionally have had long, ever-fruitful second lives. Whether it was thru theatrical re-releases (1940s-1980s), home video (1980s-onward), or streaming... ELEMENTAL will likely be no different by the end of the year, probably will rack up a million streams on Disney+. This has a very good "A" CinemaScore grade, so it could have very good legs over the summer, even if it doesn't top that ridiculous budget.

$200m budget... Making around $500m at the worldwide box office is a lot of pressure to put on an original animated family movie, let alone most movies, especially in this day and age.

"Well, if they had made a good movie-" OK, now do every blockbuster smash hit that got mixed to negative critical reception. Heck, do this year's SUPER MARIO BROS. MOVIE. Critical reception/one's own opinion doesn't mean shit. If it did, CARS 2 - the go-to for "worst Pixar movie" - would've flopped hard back in 2011, regardless of any goodwill brought over from the first movie.

That William Goldman quote/marketing/blah blah: "Nobody knows anything... Not one person in the entire motion picture field knows for a certainty what's going to work. Every time out it's a guess and, if you're lucky, an educated one." Whatever was in that marketing... And there WAS marketing... LOTS of it... Just didn't motivate audiences to shell out lots of money for tickets and concessions to see this film in a theater where it's possibly disgusting, noisy, or... Both!

Pixar is not in a slump: This is also all subjective. And if I was a filmmaker, and I had a slump of movies that ranged from roughly 70-85% Rotten Tomatoes scores - not that RT aggregate scores mean anything anyways... That'd be quite alright! Anyways, the movies they're currently making just aren't to your liking. That's all it is... and they don't have to release a specific kind of movie. This, ideally, should be a studio where a director makes THEIR film. Not a collective. Like it used to be at one point... Speaking of which-

John Lasseter: I've seen so many people, from inside animation fan circles... to even pundits writing for major movie publications... Suggesting that Lasseter's ouster left a real hole in Pixar, and Disney Animation as well. Never mind implying that a misogynist pervert should be brought back to the studio, but this also suggests that every Pixar success is because of him... And him only. Like, all the filmmakers are just untalented hacks without him? Like he's the guy who waves a magic wand and suddenly, everyone on board made a good movie? Do you want animated movies made by FILMMAKERS? Or films determined by a small COMMITTEE? I'm also old enough to remember when Lasseter was THE problem with Pixar, that he was a dictator making every director bow to his every demand. (Which was true.)

I'm sorry, but I'm just exhausted from how people are talking about ELEMENTAL... Which I haven't even seen yet, but it feels like people are trying to write such nuanced industry-related things and outside factors off and use their personal opinions/biases to explain away these box office mishaps, wrapping it up in neat simplistic bows...

I'm just concerned about what will happen with the studio from here on out, especially after 75 people - including veterans like Galyn Susman, Angus MacLane, and Steve Purcell - were laid off.

"Make better movies, then!" Okay, how subjective, it's not like the studio's people are all sitting there not putting in effort and calling it a day. Okay? These movies take years and years to plan out, make, remake, and finish. Like Goldman said, it's all a guess each time out. A gamble. When these people are making these movies, they're making decisions that they think are the right decisions at the right time. ELEMENTAL, by all accounts, went into development around 2016-ish. Around the time director Peter Sohn had finished THE GOOD DINOSAUR... How would the crew, and the studio as a whole, had known what the world would like in 2023? What audiences' ever-changing tastes would be? What the zeitgeist would be?

And again... "Make better movies"? MARIO might've pulled in $1.3b worldwide and became one of the highest-grossing animated movies of all-time, but the critical reception for it wasn't great. Mostly mixed to negative, not as good as this movie. Or TURNING RED, LUCA, SOUL, ONWARD, even LIGHTYEAR! And even all the recent WDAS movies, including big box office flop STRANGE WORLD.

Again, it's as simple - and boring - as "They made a movie... People didn't show up."

So... What do I think happens next?

Pixar hasn't had a genuine financial success in theaters since TOY STORY 4 all the way back in 2019. ONWARD got cut off by the pandemic, SOUL, LUCA, and TURNING RED all went straight to Disney+ in most parts of the world. LIGHTYEAR lost money, this might, too... How much did ELIO cost? Why should that film be expected to make the amount of money usually reserved for a massive superhero movie? INSIDE OUT 2 is all but a lock for a huge gross... A sequel, no less.

I would hate to see Pete Docter get removed as CCO (and who the hell would they replace him with anyways? The rest of the "Brain Trust" is either no longer working there or off doing other things), but I fear that could be a very real possibility. I know most of the internet declares Docter's Pixar to be some kind of failure, but I for one like his Pixar. Even if I didn't like the films coming out now, the place is a lot more director-driven than before, and more experimental. John Lasseter would've probably fired Enrico Casarosa, Domee Shi, and Angus MacLane off of all of their films... Or would've blockaded them every step of the way whenever they tried to make something in their respective films interesting. So yeah, I don't feel Docter is the problem here... it's really all down to how Disney handled the release of many of the recent Pixar films, how much the studio spends on their films, and the marketing just not enticing audiences to go see the films.

That's beyond Docter's control, and he even partially touched upon this in a recent interview... And for what it's worth, again... Audiences... The ones who actually saw the movie already... seem to be liking ELEMENTAL. "A" CinemaScore is pretty good. SPIDER-VERSE Deux and MARIO had an "A" CinemaScore as well. If this movie has excellent legs, it'll show that people - not internet-dwelling weirdos who seem to be the authority on all things animation - actually DID like the film... It just cost too much to make. Like a modern-day CLEOPATRA or SLEEPING BEAUTY. A movie that quite a few audiences went to, but it wasn't enough to cover the gargantuan costs to make it...

Like, if ELEMENTAL cost around BAD GUYS/PUSS IN BOOTS 2/DC SUPER-PETS/SPIDER-VERSE numbers... You know, around $80-90m in budget and NOT $200m+... this thing wouldn't be written off as a flop.

I'd imagine more sequels will happen, which was always a given, but maybe more so than ever before. INSIDE OUT 2 and TOY STORY 5, they weren't going to stop there, that was a given... Docter did say in that same interview that the originals in Pixar's library are fair game for sequels. And no smart exec walks away from movies that make $1b at the box office... Unless they're something like, say, TITANIC.

Maybe there will be stricter mandates put on Pixar films to "make them more appealing to audiences"... That's very possible, as it sometimes happens at these studios. Micromanaging, ya know? Trying to create that next big hit the mechanical way, by overthinking it... Instead of just making something and seeing how it all goes. How it does at the box office is often beyond a filmmakers' control anyways... Again, what the world will look like 4 years after you've started your endeavor...

Or maybe nothing happens, Pixar has special privileges, and keeps making what they make...

To me, the smartest thing would be to either... Step back and realize how silly box office has become, that it's absurd to expect a smash hit out of something in a crowded marketplace in just 2-4 months, hinging an entire studio's future on that... Or lower the budgets of these movies...

Anyways, sorry to rant, but it's all just absurd to me... Yes, the movie may indeed lose money, but it's not clear-cut.

[breserker]

mystery horror theater bre-thousand 1

because if i go on another movie binge without filling this out first i'll have defeated my own purpose

THE OTHER DAY i watched three filmmmsssssss if you can call it that -- Smile (2022), Day of the Reaper (1984), and Savage Weekend (1978). this is my first time doing this under a name and i guess i should give them number ratings but what i may rank very high might get me slaughtered on sight, you'll see what i mean

SMILE (2022) (TW: Suicide, self-harm, THE CAT DOES NOT MAKE IT)

At the behest of a friend, I jumped in to watch this movie -- I enjoy doing that, very little fucks me up and I like keeping an eye out for people horror-wise. Overall? It was incredibly good. It had the tense anxiety of Invisible Man (2020), where there's a lot of focus on the mental deterioration of a woman in a world that doesn't believe her, surrounded in a blanket of the first scene of Midsommar (2019) where it shows a pretty ugly side of certain traits of mental illnesses such as mania and psychosis. And it should, the main character works in a psychiatric emergency hospital, and does so to the point of detriment that I would call self-harm. I've been there, working so hard you wreck yourself, y'know?

By about halfway through it became obvious that was also a monster movie, and while I can see some people turning their nose at that, I think I really needed that aspect to follow through with the movie without feeling beaten down with misery and anxiety. The monster in question operates similarly to It Follows (2014) but instead of being passed on by sex it's passed on through sharing the trauma of witnessing a suicide. The monster itself reminded me a lot of BOB from Twin Peaks, there is a beautiful scene recreating BOB scaling the couch while smiling. It's then that I realized that the first person to die was named Laura. Yeah I see you...I see you...!!!

The theme in the movie is the chain of trauma passed from person to person and viscerally affecting those already with past traumas. I deeply enjoyed its execution and how this was a monster movie...I do wish, however, it ended a little bit differently. While the message that trauma never truly leaves you is there, I was hoping for a different, bittersweet ending instead of the bad end the movie provided. It felt tacked on or changed at the last minute. 4.5/5

~~

DAY OF THE REAPER (1984)

buddy oh man oh MAN BUDDY IF YOU LOVE REALLY SHITTY INDIE HOME FILMS SHOT ON A SHODDY SUPER 8 CAMERA WITH THE WORST ADR DUBBING YOU'VE EVER HEARD IN YOUR LIFE, with every treat a bad movie has to offer, THIS IS YOUR FILM and you can watch it FOR FREE on YouTube RIGHT NOW and then come back and punch me in the face. I was HOWLING with laughter. I got a friend also enthusiastic about bad movies to watch it and HE loved it TOO. i have to gather more people to watch this gem, and if you stick with it and think it's boring keep going because the conclusion is so wildly out of this world and so strangely done that it'll hopefully bring glee and joy to you too. CLEAR AND AWAY 5/5

~~

SAVAGE WEEKEND (1978)

I was running out of steam by this point because laughing at Day of the Reaper put my lungs in a state, but this is a slasher from the years in between Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Friday the 13th. I've seen many many slashers that follow the tropes of horny teens boning it in woods (but strangely a white girl usually dies first! I donno where the Black guy trope comes from--but then they're rarely in these films ANYWAY so whatever). But here, it's a bunch of really messy adults with crossed desires, separation/divorcees not knowing what they want out of love at this point, horny adult looking for any tail they can get, et cetera. It honestly was a refreshing break from all of the giggly teen stuff--I'd be far and away more interested to see more like this in the future.

The editing was cut really quick in a lot of areas and the film's pacing at times makes it feel like a rushed project, it needed a finer tooth comb on both fronts. The quality wasn't great but I was pleased to see a flamboyantly charming Christopher Allport give the nasty queer bitch role his all. The twist was pretty meh, I wish there was more fallout action between Mac and the divorcee (just get nasty with it! it's the 70's let's go!) I might be interested to see this again but probably not, it gets this score just for the novelty of horny adults with horny adult problems in a slasher film: 3/5

[thelangunderground]

When Lady Bird met Riceboy Sleeps

I used to start writing my commentary on films while I watched it, but I surprisingly found out that it's actually not a very good strategy. I kept having to go back to the story just to discover what happened ten seconds ago. I'm trying to stop doing that, but I also don't think it's a good idea. I keep forgetting what I was thinking during a specific scene or I forget what I was feeling and had to write about. I remember the last thing I felt watching Lady Bird, while the closing sequence was playing, though. Everything looks boring until you let go of it.

Why does adolescence have to be so funny, heartbreaking and complex at the same time? Recently, I've seen so many people making fun of Greta Gerwig and her way of making films, whatever that means. But I don't think anyone could have directed and written this the same way that she has. No one can describe the confusion behind high school, friend status, college, motherhood, fatherhood, romance, making new friends, trying to fit in, general relationships and so many more things the same way that she did. I felt seen. Maybe it is because I'm white, just like everyone says: Lady Bird, a white girl with white problems. I do, however, think it's naive to put it like that in a nutshell.

So many things have stuck out to me, mostly the script. It's so on point. You laugh just like you cry, you're ashamed just like you're proud. There are shots and there are moments, and I believe movies are made out of moments. Let me put it like this: shots are just scenes you watch without any meaning or feeling behind it. You can watch a film and not feel anything after you finished it, it's something programmed and recorded. And you, reader, probably know that that is the worst type of film ever created. We watch movies to relate, to feel something, to escape reality and romanticize life. We watch movies to pretend like our life is a movie in which we are the protagonists for once. It's no wonder that when we watch a good film that fulfills its objective, we leave the movie theater like we're a brand new person. "Lady Bird" has moments, and those moments are very well used. 

Lately I’ve started to watch more films with mother and daughter - or son, in this case - relationships, such as "Riceboy Sleeps," directed by Anthony Shim and released in 2022. It was also the first film I reviewed in which I finally talked about this topic. It's two different realities, an asian mother and an american mother, but the gist of it is still there. I've become so fond of the subject of motherhood or even just womanhood some weeks ago when I came across a video on TikTok, and so I thought about how I've written about so many topics here on my profile but this one. This girl on the video was saying how mothers are so devalued on today's society because of patriarchy. 

This might be the result of my social bubble, but I've never seen a mom with an already grown up child, in their adolescence for instance, talk about being a mother in positive terms. I'll use my mom as an example: every time someone asks how a specific problem in her life occurred, she'll find a way to blame it on me. "It happened after I had you," she’d say, as she stared deep into my eyes. Of course, there are those special moments when she admits she's proud of me or has never been prouder of someone. However, talking about us, as a society in general, motherhood is taken as a liability, as a weight that you, parent, will have to carry on your shoulders for the rest of your life. But, what life are we talking about, anyway? Your life, as a woman at least, is over the moment you choose to keep that baby inside you. I am 18 years old, and a member of society. What happened to us to not consider motherhood something worthy of celebration? What happened to our moms to have this deep, never ending sadness inside them which makes impossible to describe their experience in words? Still, after this movie, my questions remain unanswered and, in fact, are even louder in my head.

I think it's a great way to end this review by talking a bit about Gerwig's fitting room scene, at the thrift shop. Everyone can say whatever they want about Greta, but no one will ever be as wise as her when she put that feeling, that teenage girl feeling, a feeling that doesn't even have a name, perfectly on paper. The thing about our mothers is that regardless of how much love they have for us, they will never be able to say in a normal amount if they like us. They will always hold that motherly love, the love that doesn't say what we look like to other people, what we feel like to other people. It's the love that fits us when we have no one else. Speaking about Shim's film, I can't imagine how hard it must be to be a mom and how harder it must be to be an Asian mother raising her kid in a foreign country. I always think about the overused, cliché and yet so beautiful sentence that is "don't blame your mom, she's also living life for the first time." I think, because parents are somewhat the teachers of our lives, we forget it's also their first time existing and experiencing things. They learn from us every day just like we learn from them. This love, this motherly love, teached us how to do right and wrong, it didn't teach us how to be liked. I think what hurts the most is that to be liked is something that we have to learn on our own while we coexist. And Greta is the woman who came closest to teaching us how to be liked through a screen. In fact, she went further: she was the woman who came closest to teaching the difference between to like and to love.

[alsjeblieft-zeg]

475 of 2023

Have you ever witnessed someone having a seizure?

Yeah, myself. How is it possible? My seizures are partial and I never lose consciousness during them, so I can actually observe my arm. So creepy, I must say.

On others, I've seen it twice and I'm glad I could help. Not like much can be done, though. Just protecting the person from accidentally harming themselves when it happens.

What’s the most uncomfortable situation you’ve ever been in?

Oh my, there's so many. Can't think of any from the top of my head.

What’s your favorite type of cheese?

Good old gouda, that's enough. I also like the cheese from Bruges.

What is the first movie that you remember seeing in theaters as a child?

Probably Shrek, but I'm not much of a movie person.

What is a meal that your family used to make a s a child that you really disliked? Do you still dislike it now as an adult?

Something made of liver and no, I still hate it.

Have you ever accidentally set something on fire before?

No, not really.

Would you rather witness another human or an animal give birth?

I mean, I've seen my older cat giving birth once and it was weird, but normal after all. So I wasn't bothered.

Where did you get your most recent scratch on your body?

From Susie, my younger cat. I picked her up and she hates when we do it, she's always grumpy then.

When’s the last time you washed/changed your bedding?

Last week, time to do it again.

What’s the last thing you purchased online?

A small desk lamp and some shower gels.

What’s a television series that you think everyone should watch?

I don't believe in "everyone should". What I like is not necessarily what you like.

At what age did you move out of your parents’ home?

In my 20s.

Are there any common holidays that you do not celebrate?

Halloween for sure, then also Thanksgiving because it's not a thing in Europe.

Has the ending of a book ever been spoiled for you?

Yeah, and I hate when people do it.

What’s the worst injury you’ve ever sustained?

Brain bleeding for sure.

What is a food that you really enjoy but only eat during special occasions or not very frequently?

Polish Christmas food.

What is the last surgery you underwent?

Brain surgery, two years ago.

How old were you when the training wheels were taken off your bike?

I've never had training wheels on my bike. My dad was holding it instead.

What size bed do you sleep in?

Double, and I share it.

If you were able to choose a new pet, what would you get?

Yet another cat. My furry gremlins would go nuts.

made by @swanky-surveys

[ieatsurveys]

80.

What would you say is your favorite food? Pizza and burritos.

What was the first television show you were obsessed with? Sesame street. Do you like Mexican food or any other foreign foods? Yes'm. What color is the keyboard you are currently using? Black. Do you own any of those 'chunky' and cute rings? Sure don't.

What are you planning on eating for dinner tonight if you haven't already? Chicken. I actually remembered to take it out to thaw. Do you own an iPod or MP3 player? If so, when did you get it? I do not. When was the last time someone took your picture? A few weeks ago? I don't know. Would you rather write a report or type it on a computer? Type it on the computer. What color was the last jacket or hoodie you wore? I'm wearing a black and grey hoody. Do you receive more compliments or insults on a daily basis? Compliments. Who is the lead actress/actor from your absolute favorite movie? Drew Barrymore. Can you recite the alphabet backward? If I think about it. Do you eat chili when you get a hotdog, or do you like it plain? I like it plain. Would you say it's easy for people to make you smile or laugh? Yes. What would you say is your favorite cereal, if you even like it? Cheerios, Reeses Puffs. When was the last time you went on vacation? November. Where was it? Kentucky. How many states have you been to in your lifetime? A lot. Do you and your friends normally say you love one another? Yes. Have you ever been an outcast at your school or anywhere else? In middle and high school, yes. Do you own any dresses? If so, what colors are they? I wear so many sundresses during the summer. Would you say you drink more pop/soda than you should? I do not. Would you rather have orange juice or milk with your breakfast? Hmmmm, both. How many different colors has your bedroom been painted? I have no idea. Do you cuss? If so, do you ever cuss in front of your parents? No and yes. Would you ever tell your mom about the things you've done sexually? Dude, if I did that, I'd probably be disowned hahaha. My family is very conservative. Is there anyone out there who can make you cry very easily? Nope. What was the worst news you've heard this entire week? None. Have you ever been in a car wreck? Yes. RIP Toyota Corolla

Do you have your ears pierced? If not, what do you have pierced? I don't have any piercings. Has anyone ever told you that they think you have ADHD? Not ADHD, but ADD. What is your biggest pet peeve? I have a lot. Do a lot of people understand you completely? No.

Who does exactly? My parents, my brothers. Jeff. Greg.

Would you say you're really good at cooking and baking things? Yes, but I don't bake often. How is the weather outside right this second? Haven't been outside yet. Do you have a lot of trees around your house? I don't live in a house. What about buildings? I mean, yes, but not tall ones. Would you say either one of your parents are 'pack-rats? No, my mom is so clean. Have you ever disowned anyone in your family? For what reasons? Yes. Because my dad was still an abusive prick when I was 27. I took a break for a year and came back after a meeting with my mediator. Have you ever seen That 70's Show? Do you watch it regularly? I've never seen it. I wasn't interested in watching it when it was airing. But, today, I did want to see it because I want to check out The 90s Show. If you could choose, what decade would you rather live in? 90s. How often would you say you get sick? Hm, i mean, I have stuff I need to get checked on regularly. But, sick? I'm not really sick. Is there anyone out there who has hurt you so much, you wish they'd die? No. Has anyone ever called you a socio-path before? HA, no. When was the last time you watched a movie in theaters? A few weeks ago. I went to see Avatar by myself and it was the best date I've been on :P

Have you ever moved to a completely different state before? No, but I will.

Do you mind it when surveys ask you really personal questions? I don't really like it, no. When was the last time you told someone you love them? Hm, not sure. Which one would you like more: kiss on cheek / kiss on neck? Cheek is cute. I also like kisses on neck. Does it bother you when people steal your stuff on MySpace? Do people use MySpace still? Do you have freckles? Do you like/dislike them? I have freckles sporadically. Who would you say is the best actor / or actress in your opinion? Robin Williams, Will Smith. How many times have you been drunk in your life? A lot in my 20s. What would you do if the last person you kissed said they hated you? I wouldn't care. Do you ever think you might be pregnant? No. When was the last time you acted really immature? Haha, I don't know. Do you enjoy watching comedies or horror movies more? Horror. As a child, did you ever have an imaginary friend? No. Does anyone call you baby? No. Who would that be? Can you rely on one or more people to take up for you? Yes.

[americashielded]

"Wanda, you know that's not at all what I meant. I've had some time to catch up on things since they brought me out of the ice. I'm not that out-of-touch," Steve replied knowingly, showing a little smirk on his face. "And for what it's worth, I think you'd probably be okay if you really did want to try that as a Halloween costume. It was really her evil laugh that seemed more terrifying than anything, and you don't exactly have her voice...and don't take that as an insult, because believe me, it's the opposite." It wasn't exactly the most pleasing sound to hear, by most measures. Steve had heard much more horrifying things in the time since he'd seen that movie in a theater proper, naturally, and there was a vast gulf when attempting to measure her declaring her intentions to get Dorothy 'and her little dog too' to some of those things he'd experienced.

A brief silence fell, though, prior to Wanda steering the subject back toward his own difficulties having less traumatic dreams, though. "Well, I guess if anyone knows anything about a person being through a lot, it's you," Steve commented solemnly, knowing Wanda's journey up to this point had not been without a great deal of difficulty. "At least they've been less frequent these days than during the last days of the war or even when I first was brought back. In fact, I think they were at their worst; when I woke up in what we'd now call the modern world. A lot of things have happened since then." The discovery of Bucky's identity and his recovery, among many other things. "It still happens from time-to-time when I dream. Some scars aren't as easy to let go of, even for a 100-year old guy, huh? I don't have any wrinkles, do I?"

A light jest at the technicality of his age due to his time under the ice and a space for him to chuckle just a little (and hopefully for Wanda to do the same) before he continued, "...I appreciate it though, Wanda." He squeezed her hand lightly, recognizing her gesture before letting go while she moved her own hand away. "I guess they still need some time before they fade completely. Maybe I need to spend a little more time around Bucky and see if that helps them fade somewhat. But, speaking of listening to my dreams, actually, I wanted to know something. I hope this isn't too uncomfortable, but if it is, then that's okay, you don't need to answer, but..."

The captain paused, uncertain of how to word it, which may have caused a bit of concern on Wanda's part, as usually he was good at speaking off-the-cuff and being honest about what was on his mind and in his heart. There was a strong chance it was not something she wished to revisit, no matter the context. Yet he strongly wanted to know what she had taken away from it. "...Wanda, early on, when we were on opposing sides, and you stepped into my mind, leaving me with an illusion partly created by my own memories and emotions...what did you see or hear?" Steve had made it clear by now he wasn't all that bothered about what had happened then, but on the other hand he had seen through the fact that it wasn't reality a bit more easily than most others probably would. "Again, it's okay if you don't want to talk about it, but...a part of me does want to know what visions or thoughts you carried away with you. I know there's a lot of baggage there in my own mind, and let's just say it's not really curiosity, as you might think, and more a concern that I might have left you with any of it."

"A Muppet? That one I'm having a bit of a difficult time picturing," came Steve's response, seemingly amused by the idea of it. Naturally, when he was first thawed, he wouldn't have had any idea what a Muppet was, but it hadn't been too long before he'd become somewhat familiar with Jim Henson's work. It was actually rather impressive that a name had become so synonymous with the concept of creating puppets that felt more alive than most.

"Did you know Bucky and I saw The Wizard of Oz when it was brand new in theaters? Some people talk about feeling old when they realize how long ago they used to watch things in their younger days, but I think I have them beat. Gives it a bit of a different perspective, I suppose, doesn't it?" He couldn't help but smirk a little at the thought. "I was 21 at the time, and you didn't hear this from me...but The Wicked Witch of the West did scare Bucky just a little bit."

Steve's expression, however, became a bit more solemn as he took more time to reflect upon the discussion of dreams that had somehow come about in their conversation, though he couldn't even remember how the topic had come about, nor was he able to trace back far enough in his thoughts to figure out what it had been apropos of, not that it particularly mattered. It had been quite a long time since he'd had a dream that he could remember that had been as easy to swallow as the ones Wanda described.

"I used to have more exaggerated and silly dreams back then, but...as it turns out, war changes a person. Even though none of the Howling Commandos actually died in combat..." He trailed off for a moment, wincing visibly as he remembered how he thought Bucky had, "...well, what I thought happened never stopped haunting me. Sometimes it still does, knowing what happened to him after the fact, and even though the Howling Commandos made it through the war, that didn't mean everyone else did too. I haven't had many pleasant dreams since then, especially once they dragged me out of the ice."

Suddenly, it dawned on Steve that he had dragged down the tone of the conversation without really meaning to, and he quickly sought to change the tone again. "But I did have a rather silly dream about Natasha trying to convince us we were all sleeper agents with the most ridiculous directives as an April Fools' Day prank."

[somethingusefulfromflorida]

I fear that a large part of my personality may be based on performative outrage on topics I don't really care about. What's it called, virtue signaling? I see other people getting up in arms about something I didn't particularly enjoy, and for some reason I jump aboard the bandwagon and pile on the insults, "hey look at me, I hate this thing too! It's the worst!" No, it's not the worst. It means nothing to me. Why am I calling it the worst? Why am I expending effort to make fun of something that I honestly couldn't care less about?

Marvel movies, Star Wars movies, big budget franchise sequels, I don't care about them. I've stopped watching them, so why isn't that enough? I don't plan on watching Rings of Power, not because I hate amazon (which I do), not because it looks bad (I haven't seen any clips, I've only heard other people's opinions), not even because I want it to fail (it's success or failure is irrelevant), but because I'm not even a fan of Lord of the Rings! I've seen Fellowship twice in my life, Two Towers and Return of the King once, and the first Hobbit movie. The only books I've read was the Hobbit, and I didn't really like it. Why am I pretending to be a huge fan who is outraged? If it sucks, it doesn't concern me.

Star Wars. I'm a big fan of Episodes 4 and 5, and most of 6, and that's about it. I've seen episode 1 a few times, and didn't like it. I attended a sleepover where they had a movie marathon of all the prequels on in the background all evening, so I've seen parts of episodes 2 and 3, didn't much care for them. Never seen Clone Wars. But for years I pretended that I hated the prequels because that's what was popular to say. I don't hate them because I've never seen them. I like watching other people bash them online because they look ridiculous, but ultimately I don't care one way or the other. When episode 7 came out, I was HYPED AS FUCK, legitimately hyped, not a performance; I was excited to see my first Star Wars movie in theaters with friends who loved analyzing the originals just as much as I did. I bought and read the now non-canon Thrawn trilogy, bought and didn't read a bunch of the other legends books, and I REALLY enjoyed episode 7. It did exactly what it needed to do, and I left the theater with a smile on my face. I went into episode 8 with ao much enthusiasm, and I didn't like it at all. That was also legitimate. It's popular to bash episode 8, but my dislike didn't extend that far, I just thought it was a major dip in quality from 7. Rogue One, I was excited about the premise, didn't like the execution. Solo, didn't like it, thought it was more like walking through a Han Solo museum with a tour guide pointing out "remember when he said this line in episode 5? Here's where it came from? And that line in episode 4? That one's to your left." Episode 9 was the first one I actively hated, like passionately hated, real non-performative hatred. I love 2½, I'm indifferent about 5½, and I hate 1, so I have no real skin in this game. Star Wars excites me more as a concept than as a franchise. The idea of it excites me, but 9 times out of 10 I pass on the content. The Mandalorian and Boba Fett and Obi Wan and Andor just aren't my thing. I've never seen them, don't plan to, so what do I care if anyone else does?

Marvel movies. I have watched exactly 8 of the 29 movies that have been released as of my writing this. I loved the Sam Raimi Spider-Man trilogy as a kid, but other superheroes didn't really do it for me; I'd never neard of Iron Man when I was 11, or Thor, though I did know about the Hulk, I still didn't care enough to ask my parents to take me to see it. The first MCU movie I saw was Avengers 1 when I was 15, because my older sister decided out of nowhere to invite me to the movies with her friends (she'd never done that before), and Hunger Games was no longer playing at out hometown theater. I LOVED Avengers 1. I thought it was hilarious! I thought it was a perfect movie, nowhere near as bloated as people said it would be online. Next one I saw in theaters was Avengers 2, didn't really care for it. I saw Captain America 2 on DVD at a friend's house, I actually really liked it. I saw Cap 3 because of Spider-Man, and I liked it too, and I got really excited for a standalone Spider-Man movie, so Homecoming was everything I was hoping for. Not as good as Sam Raimi, better than Amazing. Next I saw Black Panther with my mom because she REALLY wanted to see it; it wasn't bad, didn't really do anything for me, but whatever. This is when I got off the marvel wagon because Avengers 3 was way too bloated for my tastes; I didn't want to watch it until I caught up on everything I missed, so i never saw it. I saw Far From Home on a date, liked parts of it, didn't really like Peter becoming Iron Man Jr. No Way Home got my bloos flowing because they brought back all the old characters from Raimi and Amazing, but the story itself didn't do it for me, and Tom Holland Peter is way to annoying for my tastes, so I've sworn off any future disney marvel movies. I don't care about the franchise anymore. I don't enjoy it anymore. I have nothing to gain from watching them, and I can vicariously make fun of the ones that suck by watching youtube reviews. Sony's Spider-Verse was great, loved it, can't wait for the sequel. I hope they make a Raimi 4, and hell, I'd even be okay with an Amazing 3 (I never saw Amazing 2, but I like Andrew Garfield). It'll never happen, but I can dream.

DC movies. I saw the original Batmen; 89 was good, Returns scratched an itch I didn't know I had (though my family hates it), Forever is a legitimate guilty pleasure of mine, and &Robin is objectively terrible but fun to watch in a MST3K kinda way. Never saw Batman Begins. I saw the Dark Knight once when I was a kid, didn't care for it (though I'd probably like it more now). Never saw Dark Knight Rises, would probably enjoy it, it looks good. Never saw ANY Superman movies. I saw Dawn of Justice because it was supposed to be DC's answer to the Avengers, which I still liked at the time, but I actively hated it and wanted Superman to stay dead. Never saw Justice League. Suicide Squad was terrible, another instance of active hatred. And that's it! Never seen any of the others. No Wonder Women, no Snyder Cut, no THE Suicide Squad, no John Cena show, nothing! I just don't care! This franchise means nothing to me! I don't have the energy to make fun of it on purpose, it just exists entirely outside of my wheelhouse.

Avatar. I saw it in 2009. Everyone in America saw it. It broke box office records. Everyone in America forgot it. It never captured the cultural zeitgeist like other big bidget sci-fi films; until disney made the theme park, the fandom was so niche that it never cropped up in pop culture. Novody referenced it except to say it was the highest grossing movie ever and jokingly call it Dances With Blue Cats. I thought it was pretty and inoffensive, but not worth a 3 hour investment to ever watch it again. I own it on DVD, which I opened and started watching once, but never finished, and the only reason I still have it is because the producer Jon Landau has a vacation home down here and visited my freshman video productions class in 2010 or 2011, and I had him sign it.

I don't actually care that they're making Avatar 2. I think it's a soulless cash grab, but so is every studio movie these days. It doesn't interest me, so I'm not gonna watch it. I don't hate it, it's just boring. I'm sure it'll look pretty, it'll make a ton of money and win a ton of awards, but I don't care enough to make fun of it just because the plot doesn't sound interesting to me.

Video games. I'm not a gamer! I've never owned a current gen console; my parents bought me a Gameboy Advance SP when I was a kid, and a DS Lite later, but the only actual console I ever owned was an N64 I bought on ebay in high school (I didn't even Buy It Now, I won it in an auction; I was super excited). I have Minecraft on my laptop, which I play once or twice a year for a week or two at a time before getting bored and stopping until a new update comes, and that's it! I don't care about console wars! I don't care about graphics! I don't care about triple-A developers making samey games, because I don't play any! First person shooters and open world sandbox survival craft-em-ups and liberating districts and this that or the other, I just don't care! I don't care if the games are good, I don't care if they're bad, I don't care if critics love them or hate them, I just like hearing Yahtzee Croshaw make fun of them on Zero Punctuation! I don't have a steam account, I've never played a valve game, but I enjoyed watching Portal 2 walkthroughs and reading the entire TF2 wiki lore (I love the comics; will never pick up the game), never played undertale, or papers please, or the last of us, or breath of the wild, of gtav, or anything. I watched roosterteeth/achievement hunter/letsplay on youtube from like 2011 to 2016 or 17, but I fell off that wagon due to lack of interest.

I am apathetic above anything else, and I need to stop acting like every new installment to such and such franchise I'm not involved with is important to me when it's not. I need to stop hopping on the bandwagon. I don't gain anything out of letting people know how much I love/hate a movie/game I've never watched/played. Maybe I get some notes on tumblr? Whoop dee doo. Number go up! Who cares? I don't.

I'm sorry for being a jerk. The media I do or do not consume should not influence my personality. It's dumb to act like it's important to me when it's not. If I really like something, I can be excited! When I really hate something, I can say so and move on. When I'm indifferent, I can just ignore it. Why do I let myself get up in arms like this?

[jannepaule]

In Retrospect: Black Holes and Dark Days

I’ve been working on this for several weeks, trying to revise it to a much retrospective version. The first draft of this post was dated July 27, 2017— according to my trusty notepad app with 2500 words.

Between 2011 to 2015 were some of my darkest days and to some extent— 2017 the year I wrote the first version of this piece.

Fair Warning: Long Post Ahead.

I was in a bad place during that time but here it goes.

The “D” Word

I've read stories from real people about it. I've heard number of spoken word pieces about it. I've seen countless of articles about it in this wild wicked world of social media. I've seen people who turned it into art.

I was never clinically diagnosed so I have no the right to call my case depression. More importantly, it is something no one should casually throw around to describe whenever you are feeling down.

A lesson I learned is that people should stop using disorders as adjectives. It's unhealthy and destructive.

I am generally an ‘okay’ person but I've had my dark days.

It started after graduation when my high school boyfriend and I broke up. It's silly to admit that even now. I mean who gets depressed over a teenage break-up? People move on and get over it. I did.

However, for a long time I refused to deal with the pain. I thought having a strong facade by not admitting that it hurts and not crying is a sign of strength, it was otherwise. And it does more harm than help in the long run.

Later on I realized that maybe this reaction (or lack thereof) towards a painful experience was an accumulation of all the times I suppressed my emotions.

That's what happened when you grow up in a family that doesn't openly talk about feelings, that a more common response to hurt is anger.

Years of practice of tricking myself not to feel, I developed an automatic blocking system against anything that could potentially hurt. Every negative thought and emotion was boxed and pushed towards deepest part of my head hoping I'd never have to deal with them.

But as Sigmund Freud once said (or written),

"unexpressed emotions will never die they are buried alive and will later come in uglier ways"

And boy it was ugly. It wasn't a 2 AM kind of demon. It haunts you in broad daylight and attack you with ice bullets. If it was anxiety or panic attacks or some sort of condition, I've no idea. And it was all my fault.

Theater Days

I only figured out that something was seriously wrong with me when I joined a theater organization during my college freshman year.

Thespians are the most passionate and most emotional people I've ever known while I stand on the other side, feeling nothing. None. I was empty. There were lots of emotional exercises and scenes from plays that would’ve helped me, but I couldn’t even cry.

I was miserable.

There were days when I literally felt nothing. I laughed and I knew I was happy but I couldn't feel it in my heart. I watched very emotional movies like Miracle in Cell No. 7 and there were scenes that any normal person would be bawling already, but I didn't. My system could not process the feeling.

Detachment was a mean defense mechanism. It suppresses not just the pain but everything else. It leaves you with hollow feeling on your chest.

My Heart and Other Black Holes

There were days when I'd cry for no reason. One moment I was in pain then in one snap-- gone. I feel nothing again.

Other times, I felt like I was being drained, sucking life out of me as I spiral down uncontrollably into an unknown bottom. You know the vacuum sensation? It was terrible. I literally had to catch my breath.

I called it my "black hole episodes". There were black holes residing inside of me for a long time and I didn't know what to do with it.

An incident back when I was doing my internship in a radio station in 2014 was one of the worst episodes. I ended up crying for an hour or two at the HR's office. The HR manager who happened to be some sort of counselor asked me what was wrong and I could have told her everything, she was a shrink anyway. But I couldn't even get my mind straight so much more my feelings. The memory of that afternoon was blurry.

All I remember is her telling me to try talking to someone openly and honestly.

I knew I needed professional help but shrinks are way too expensive. And honestly, I was more scared to find out that it was just all in my head than to know what sort of medical condition I was in.

I wanted to disappear sometimes, amidst all the numbness and emptiness. It’s like being trapped in oblivion.

I wanted to disappear but I still hoped that someone would find me and pull me out of that dark place but I didn't know how to ask for help.

Flash forward to 2015

Before I started dating a guy from my first job after college, I had one major episode that worried the shit out of my him and my friends. So I told him about my blackholes and finally, I felt like someone is willing to listen. Even when I couldn't explain the things going on inside my head he just listened, patiently.

The thick walls I built around myself started crumbling down. The flood gates of my heart opened and somehow, I felt lighter each day. I started feeling genuinely happy again. That shrink from the radio station was right after all. I just needed someone to talk to.

We had a brief time together but I experienced a roller coaster of emotions. It was batshit crazy, but I felt every tiny bit of it. The blackholes are gone but so he is.

I was devastated and hurting everywhere literally and figuratively but I allowed myself to feel the pain, to cry all I want, and to mourn for as long as I needed to. I was drowning but that time I didn't feel empty. I still thought of skipping all of those excruciating times but thank God, someone a.k.a my favorite team leader sat me down ane told me this:

“You know better than anyone why you need to go through this. You are so much braver and stronger than what you give yourself credit for,”

Looking back, it was the bravest time of my life. I confronted all my fears of feeling pain. For the first time, I didn't run away from it. I nursed my wounded heart like a normal person.

I was blessed with people who were my guiding light through that journey.

I’ve moved on and no longer in love with that person, in case you’re wondering.

The Bad Bitch of a Black Hole is Back

2017 was another awful cruel year. I had a relapse after trying so hard to be okay for so long. Bad case of rejections, job being terribly toxic, and my whole life was a mess. The blackholes came back, just dressed up as adult problems. My life was falling apart AGAIN and I was lost. I couldn’t focus.

I watched my plans fail and slip away from my fingers and did nothing to stop it. 2017 was so much worse because even if I wanted to run away, I didn't have the energy and will power to do it.

I needed help. I don’t know how but I was sure as hell that I didn’t want to go back in that shithole ever again. I thought writing would help me get it out of my system, it did. I talked to some friends, subscribed to an online life coach for advice, and learned to practice mindfulness via Headspace app. I prayed so hard to make it all go away.

I honestly still couldn’t remember how I did all those things and managed to pull myself out of that dark place. My best guess? Divine intervention. Thank God and all the angels for not letting me get swallowed by darkness.

I look back and see how far I’ve come. It was a long tiring personal battle I had to brave through to be in a better place where I am today. No more blackhole episodes since 2017 and if ever the bitch decides to show up again, I know I would make it out alive like I always do. Hopefully, it wouldn’t.

Communicating my feelings is still a struggle up to this day but knowing how to acknowledge them is always the first step. Still growing and learning to cope up with all the things life is throwing at me. The process of healing is long, painful, sometimes boring and questionable but I don’t think I would ever do it otherwise.

Being able to write this in retrospect is a milestone worth-celebrating. A long dark chapter of my life was over. I am grateful.

Thank you for reaching this part, dear stranger. This is probably the only time I will ever share about this. I hope you know that this is a personal experience and does not mean to say that you need to get your heart broken to get over a dark phase in your life. We all have different ways to process experiences.

I hope you find the courage to ask for help from the people you trust and professionally, if you must.

I pray that if you’re going through dark times, may you always believe that there is a light that never goes out.

Sincerely, J. 🖤

[huntingteeth]

@unfoldingsky TAGGED ME AGAIN in this meme so i'm going to list six more songs that are different lol but i'm not tagging anyone else so if you want to do it, do it and say i tagged you and i'll back you up lmao

down in the valley by the head and the heart -- this song is special to me personally because i'm like halfway through writing a novel that is set in a universe that a bunch of my friends and i created (the novel is probably not ever going to see the light of day outside that friend group but babes, it's long and i love it) and this song is the song that plays in my head at a pivotal moment of the plot, especially the part, "one more for the stars and their eyes in the walls / i hail your face and then i saw you standing out / i saw your face in the crowd and you came out / you saw me crossing the valley and you came in / look at the sign on the door and it reads to me / just like the grass and the sign when you walked in"

meet me in the woods by lord huron -- actually this whole album is great and i love it, but this song resonates deeply with my soul lmao. i yearn to be whatever the vibe of this song is. especially, "i took a little journey to the unknown / and i've come back changed / i can feel it in my bones / i fucked with forces that our eyes can't see / now the darkness got a hold on me" and "how long baby have i been away? / oh, it feels like ages, though you say it's only days / there ain't language for the things i've seen, yeah / and the truth is stranger than my own worst dreams / the truth is stranger than all my dreams"

north by sleeping at last -- i love every sleeping at last song especially the album atlas: i, but this song specifically. this part always gets me: "let the years we're here be kind, be kind / let our hearts, like doors, open wide, open wide / settle our bones like wood over time, over time / give us bread, give us salt, give us wine"

caffeine by jack kays -- this is another one that should have played in a 90s coming of age teen movie tbh. this part would be the part that plays in the movie: "i remember the first time that you kissed me / in the basement, with the light off / it felt just like a movie in the theater / you say, 'what are you doing?' i didn't know either / act like nothing ever happened / that night, to me it felt like magic / secretly high on endorphins / fleeting 'cause i wanted more than"

sever the blight by hemlocke springs -- i love hemlocke springs' voice so much; sobbing. this part, when the instruments kick in, "it will get cold in the dark / with those listless days at bay / and the pain, i'll always hide / but the hurt, well, dare i say it? / so loathsome / who say i was a fool / to think in ways so grand / you see i'm not snow white / the fairest of our land / i heave a sighing breath / my cavity expands, ha, ha, ha, ha"

vore by sleep token -- hahahaha did you think we were going to make it through these without a sleep token song. this is the one i'm considering getting a tattoo of lol. i polled all my normie friends and they said they'd only judge me a little bit for getting a tattoo based off a song called vore. i was thinking of getting "welcome me in" but i'm also playing with the idea of getting "follow me between the jaws of fate" and a string of teeth lmao. i like the entire part where iv screams in the lives tbh

ok @vamprlestat tagged me in a name six albums thing but i unfortunately don't really listen to full albums so i will name six songs i've been jamming to lately

salad by blondshell -- kind of a bummer song but it's still a bop. i especially like the part that goes "gonna get big / gonna get big / i'm so scary / i can't stop having visions of following him / gonna make it hurt / gonna make it hurt / but i don't know how to do that within the framework"

gans media retro games by hot mulligan -- especially the part that goes "a vinyl floored back room / begs the question / is this just how i live? / in fear of what i'll do / wake every day to say / i'm numb, worthless / vestigial and pointless / a sore to bite every time that i speak"

the water is fine by chloe ament -- this one is pretty and repetitive, which i always enjoy in a song lol. especially "blood runs thicker than water / but both feel the same when your eyes are closed" and "i am the river's daughter / and you'll be her son when we're both reposed"

sofia i'm sorry by jesse detor -- truly this sounds like a lesbian bop that should have come out during the 90s and been featured in a coming of age teen movie. this part: "you know what happened the night in the basement / when we watched a winona rider movie / you told me i was your everything / now you want nothing to do with me / i loved you more than your mother / to you, now i'm just anyone / throw my own past back in my face / i hate, hate to say you know you're no saint / you know what they say, it takes one to know one / and i know you're as fucked as me"

big god by florence + the machine -- you can't go wrong with florence tbh. my fave parts of the song are "sometimes i think it's getting better / and then it gets much worse / is it just part of the process? / jesus christ, it hurts" and "shower your affection / let it rain on me / and pull down the mountain / drag your cities to the sea / shower your affection / let it rain on me / don't leave me on this white cliff / let it slide down to the, slide down to the sea"

boys of faith by zach bryan feat. bon iver -- i have a special place for bon iver tbh and zach bryan does a good song that sounds like the summertime lol. i like this part: "high tide, it's been rising up / i've been getting up / with some boys i used to know / we're trying to get our pockets up / this year has just been moving fucking slow"

special mention to sleep token, which is actually the band with the albums i do play all the way through l m a o

tagging @branches-in-a-flood, @shatterthefragments, @dreams-in-phosphorescence, @unfoldingsky, and @creamwhxre but uhhh no pressure babes

[carrerabkpuff]

Monday will start week two of six weeks that we will be out of school. The Governor of Washington state (where I live) has made it required for us to stay out for at least six weeks, and most non-essential businesses have been closed. Grocery stores are running out of stock by noon (daily), and I haven't seen anyone besides my parents in a week. We have lost three festivals, two concerts, our State choir contest, and the Play our theater program was supposed to put on. All of them have been canceled. Personally, this being my senior year, reacting to this has been a rollercoaster. All hope has proven to be false. Our senior Prom, our Graduation ceremony, my eighteenth birthday that I was supposed to celebrate with my two-time cancer surviving grandmother. It has all been put on the chopping block. I am so lucky to be healthy, and I am so lucky that everyone I know and care about is safe. I had a trip to Europe planned, where I and 84 other choir students were going to tour 7 different countries and perform in amazing venues. Unfortunately, this trip is officially canceled. We've lost $3,100 through the company's cancelation fee when over the past ten months we have been saving and working to try and make this happen. Finding positivity amongst all this has been overwhelmingly hard. There is an endless list of hardships this pandemic has put us through and will continue to put us through. That is why I turn to my people. The fandoms and stories that allowed me to escape in my worst moments as a kid, and now. The things I would watch, read, and do whenever I needed to escape. Whenever I needed to feel something other than sadness, other than pain, something other than this lost feeling that has overcome me. That is my positivity. That is all of ours. We come together on this app because we all have more than "common interests". We have a common escape. We are our own escape. Readers spend hours escaping to the pages that the writers spent days escaping to. Some call our dedication obsession and convince us that it's unhealthy. And sure, maybe it is. But what more can we do? I find my joy in the music I love to create, I've been playing my keyboard more, advancing on my guitar, and even writing more of my own music. I find joy in baking, I've made three batches of chocolate chip cookies, and I don't plan on stopping any time soon. I find joy in the movies and shows that I love, I finally got to watch and fall in love with Frozen II and I've gonna back and watched my favorite episodes of supernatural. I find joy in my fandoms. I came on this app and found this post. All these amazing people, just trying to spread positivity in this screwed up period of our lives. So this is my addition to this post. I'm sorry it's so long, but I needed to say all of this. I needed to prove to myself that there is positivity because at first, I had a really hard time finding something positive to write about. Anything I thought of, it just didn't seem good enough. But anything counts. Anything that makes you smile. Anything to get through it. Thank you all for being my positive thing. Thank you for being the group of strangers it took for me to realize that it's not all darkness and disappointment. Thank you for being my escape.

Hey everyone!! Recently with everything going on, I’ve been finding it difficult to stay positive, especially because my anxiety is in overdrive. Since I’m probably not the only one, I wanted to spread some positivity!

All you have to do is add to the chain and say something good/positive that’s happened to you recently, and it can be absolutely anything that made you feel happy!! 💗

I recently got an award for academic excellence at uni for having a good GPA, and it puts me in the top 5% of students at uni ☺️