#work's looking pretty bleak for the future too

[kifu]

I decide to see if I can get the tie rod off of my car myself today, because it's as nice a day as it can get in December and there is wayyyyy too much play in my steering right now and this car's gonna throw me soon if I don't get it fixed - and I get home to find a flat. I watched that tire sink, so it happened in my yard. It's sliced wide open. So I can't fix that.

I could still (try to) change the tie rod but a) I'm not sure that I can reach a safe place of the frame with my jack because it's a piece of shit and the "good" one won't lift and b) car's currently jacked up and three-wheeled in the opposite corner from the tie rod that needs fixing. I suppose I could put the donut on to do what I originally intended. I guess. I don't know how many possible points of failure I want at a time.

I just ... I just put more money than I had in the brakes and now I need a new tire? I think I'm at the end of my ability to deal with problems right now. I'm going to max out my credit before my car insurance is due next week. Which that is ... well, at least $1800.

Still haven't gotten things figured out with the phone. I can't get my last phone through Metro PCS to unlock to accept the current sim card. Verizon is the one and only cell company that even works where I live, so it's not like I have a choice with whom I use. Be one thing if I could use wifi calling, but I can't.

I had to memorize my work schedule this week and write it down for my boss because I don't know my login information and I can't dick around with my email to get that figured out at work. I just feel like things are a mess right now, and just about all of them are money related. You'd think making twice minimum wage would get me through life no problem. Maybe if I didn't have my chickens or rabbits, but those chickens paid for sooooooo much this summer, it was ridiculous. And what was the point of buying a house with land if I'm just going to sit on my computer chair all day?

[guardianofnightmares]

Attack

“And remember: there is enough fuel in those rods for couple of maneuvers and a descent. That’s it.” Blitzwing said in a stern tone while adjusting some screws on minibot’s backplates. “I highly recommend you to not stray far away from your group for too long.”

He knew that his companion was not that reckless to go on adventures of his own on a battlefield, but it’s still difficult not to worry about mechs’ safety. Even if the targeting systems of an Autobots’ flagship "Endeavor" were supposed to be down by the beginning of an operation, its guns would still be working at full capacity.

Chances of being shot by a random plasma beam were still pretty high.

“I know, Blitzwing, I know,” said minibot sighed in defeat. His spirits were not that much higher than everyone else’s lately.

“But hey,” He continued, ��Even if I wanted to, I doubt Megacon would allow me to go sightseeing without him… And if I indeed managed to do just that, my fear of withering away from his lecture about my recklessness definitely outweighs the fun of getting into troubles.”

----------

Phew, third entry for the @blitzbee-week event has arrived at last. Prompt of a third day was "Attack", which turned out to be quite an interesting one to create a piece for. Eventually, I've decided to picture a scene of preparations for one of first major battles in a story of mine. Considering a fact that a mentioned scene takes place at the beginning of a second part/volume of a fanfic, I found it to be a good opportunity to show an evolution of relationship between characters (at least in comparison to previous entries).

Fanfic the scene is taken from is called "TFA: Icarus". You can read it by following a [link] for the series "folder" which also includes an existing teaser (future prologue) for a story. The updates are slow, I know, I am sorry for a delay, I was very busy with a job of mine lately and I do not know when the situation will change for better. Despite all of it, I'm still deeply grateful for every subscription and "like" you leave under works for this project of mine. Know that I see and appreciate every kind gesture of yours).

As always, if anyone is interested to know what's going on "behind the scenes" of a picture, I will provide the full snippet of a depicted interaction under a cut line. Hope you'll enjoy it. Especially those of you, who read previous "chapters" of mine, for you might find a reference here to one of them ;)

Bumblebee finally glanced at a Decepticon sitting on his haunches behind his back. The Warframe’s been checking on a Cybertronian analogue of a humans’ “parachute” for the last half of megacycle, trying to secure the massive carcass on a frame it was not meant to be worn by. 

“How’s it looking?” The Bot asked. Not out of vanity, for once, but rather out of practicality - a bleak, outdated “jetpack” was the smallest one they could salvage, and it’s still way too big for a mech of Bumblebee’s proportions. Several kilograms of metal more and it’d have begun to tip a yellow colored Autobot over. 

“… It’ll have to do.” 

A brisk, honest and not so uplifting answer. But, come to think of it, Bumblebee would’ve been more surprised to hear a reassuring comment coming from a Triplechanger. 

A notion that Bumbler was capable of periodically predicting Con’s responses almost made him chortle. The possibility of his team forming a bond with Warframes over the course of a stellar cycle after an escape from Cybertron was improbable at best. And yet, there they were - trying to work as a single unit despite ever present old grudges. 

For a goal they were fighting for together against a common foe was more important than any of their just (and unjust) beliefs. 

“And remember: there is enough fuel in those rods for couple of maneuvers and a descent. That’s it.” Blitzwing said in a stern tone while adjusting some screws on minibot’s backplates. “I highly recommend you to not stray far away from your group for too long.”

He knew that his companion was not that reckless to go on adventures of his own on a battlefield, but it’s still difficult not to worry about mechs’ safety. Even if the targeting systems of an Autobots’ flagship "Endeavor" were supposed to be down by the beginning of an operation, its guns would still be working at full capacity.

Chances of being shot by a random plasma beam were still pretty high.

“I know, Blitzwing, I know,” said minibot sighed in defeat. His spirits were not that much higher than everyone else’s lately.

“But hey,” He continued, “Even if I wanted to, I doubt Megacon would allow me to go sightseeing without him... And if I indeed managed to do just that, my fear of withering away from his lecture about my recklessness definitely outweighs the fun of getting into troubles.”

The last comment earned him a snort from a companion.

“Yes, he tends to do exactly that. You’d be insanely lucky if that was the only punishment coming upon your helm,” Blitzwing agreed in a more lighthearted tone. “Especially since, it seems, Megatron’s already figured out where someone prefers to spend their shift at once in a while.”

“…what do you mean by that?” Bumblebee asked worriedly after a short lived pause - he could almost “see” a smirk plastered across Blitzwing’s faceplates with the back of his own helm. And if he’s learnt anything about a Con over the last orbital cycles, it’s that him being smug never promised anything good for a yellow and black Bot. 

“Let’s just say that if a certain hiding spot is indeed real, I’ll make sure to send you energon treats during a “home arrest” of yours.” Blitzwing mused out loud. A followed groan full of despair, which came from a small mech, made Blitzwing slip an amused laugh. 

And here a minibot hoped that Megatron would be any different than a so-called Bossbot of his. 

---

Soon after the Trpilechanger’s done everything he could in order to make Bumbler’s descent to a flagship safer, a huge figure appeared at an entrance to a bay. Bumbler noticed a newcomer only when a said mech contacted him via personal comlink, voice commanding yet devoid of usual rasp undertones. 

“Time to go, minibot,” Megatron announced, as if wanting to make sure that his arrival was interpreted as a sign to wrap preparations up. It made both Cybertronians to pause their conversation and to look up at an arrived Decepticon. 

The red and grey mech stood with his servos being clasped behind his back, polished shoulder pauldrons proudly shining under a warm artificial light. One of his chest plates bared signs of a recent scuffle at one of remote outposts - the right side was adorned with a fresh wielding patchwork, performed by Ratchet himself, which hid an ugly and deep scar. 

The sight of a quickly healing wound reminded Bumblebee of an amusing memory he’d witnessed in a medbay the other day - Ratchet and Megatron bickering with each other about who’s a true madmech between two of them, while a medic was performing mentioned repairs. The fact that a Warlord received an injury during a rescue of a red and white Autobot, who stayed behind in order to cover their team’s escape, seemed to slip out of both of their processors. Ratchet was nigh unstoppable in his fury, and it seemed that Megatron’s finally found someone who could rival his own stubbornness. Something, all members of a team were certain of, both older mechs secretly admired about each other. 

With raised up spirits, minibot quickly picked up a bag of tools, which laid near a working bench, and waved goodbye to a Triplechanger, who stayed behind to tidy a working place up. 

Blitzwing couldn’t hear what his two comrades were talking about while standing at an exit to a bay, but he could still observe the interaction between them. 

The height difference between mechs was ridiculous. It became especially obvious when Megatron lowered himself to a ground in order to access electronic panel of a “jetpack”, while Bumblebee was checking on contents of a bag of his. To Blitzwing, the scene almost resembled the way human parent would interact with their child after meeting them from an educational establishment back on Earth. Come to think of it, Bumbler looked like a sparkling in comparison to all of Warframes, which made the situation even more amusing in Blitzwing’s optics. 

After switching on needed components, the grey Decepticon activated a program in his own engine’s software. Both mechs synchronized recently updated broadcasting frequencies of their flying gear, and the “jetpack” came to life with a faint glow of its side lights.

A model of a “parachute” may have looked old, but the technology behind an outdated surface was something to be proud of. As if to prove a point, Megatron shifted his wings from side to side, up and down. Minibot whirled his head around just in time to see his own wings mirroring movements of his larger partner with a barely there delay. Created during an expansion of territories on foreign planets, devices similar to Bumbler’s one allowed Autobots to join Decepticons in off-ground battles and explorations, going so far as to copy difficult maneuvers of Warframes with an impressive accuracy. 

A true forgotten marvel of Cybertronian engineering. 

To say that Bumblebee could barely keep his excitement under control would be an understatement. The way he puffed up his chest plates and spread his temporary wings reminded local workers of a young Warframe after the first successful training session at a boot camp, fears and doubts the Bot had about an upcoming battle diminishing at a prospect of taking the first flight in his life. Even if it’ll mostly be coordinated by a partner. 

Bumblebee faced a rising by his side Decepticon with a contagious smile plastered across his grey faceplates, blue optics glowing with eagerness. He said something to him, most likely a spicy remark about his immaculate skills as a Prime soon-to-be Flyer on a battlefield taking place in an outer space. Those jovial antics made Megatron roll his optics, after which he turned an Autobot around with a smirk and (lightly) shoved him forward in direction of a main hangar, where they would join other members of a boarding party. 

---

It’s been a while since both mechs disappeared out of the view of Triplechanger, leaving him to his own devices. The grey and violet mech was in a middle of cleaning a working bench when he received a call. 

“Hey, Blitzwing!” A booming voice of Bulkhead sounded clearly over the comlink, only interrupted by periodic screeching of metal against metal in a background. “Are you and Bumblebee finished by any chance?”

“Fortune is on your side this time, my artistic friend, - Megatron’s already picked your yellow menace up.” Warframe answered while putting instruments into their designated slots. “What’s the matter?” 

“Lugnut and I would really appreciate it, if you joined us with loading ammo on a ship - these electromagnetic emitters are putting a strain even on him. Optimus is already helping us by operating a crane, but I don’t think it’s enough for everything to be finished on time.” A green Autobot admitted guiltily. When Blitzwing was about to say something, he added: “One more thing: Optimus said that he’d like to discuss a plan of an attack with you again afterwards - something about an established route through an asteroid field doesn’t click right with him.“

Of course it didn’t. But Blitzwing could hardly blame him for being extra cautious. Truth be told, he’d expected an ex-cadet to contact him sooner or later in order to go through a plan one more time. Meaning, there’s really no point for him to act getting annoyed at a prospect of doing an additional work during a current shift. 

“Alright. Seems that by helping you I’m going to kill two cats with one stone, so, count me in.”

“It’s “two birds”, Blitzwing,” Bulkhead corrected him with an audible smile. “Anyways, I’ll be waiting for you at an entrance 4-06. Thank you.”

With that being said, the bulky Autobot hung up the call, leaving a Warframe alone with his own thoughts, smiling to himself while cleaning the last of used tools from grease and oil. 

Many things have changed since the beginning of a new cycle of War, for better and for worse. With the amount of mechs switching sides and betraying their causes, sometimes it was easier to assume, that all around you were enemies rather than to hope you had at least someone to rely on. 

Yet, despite every obstacle Outcast Autobots and Earth-stranded Decepticons had to go through so far, the newly formed squad of theirs was a proof that some things stayed the same. That Camaraderie still had a value in an ever treacherous world. And Blitzwing had a feeling that no matter what lied ahead of them, the old healed bonds and recently blossomed ones would stand the test of time.

As if coming to an internal agreement with himself, the Triplechanger shook his helm and finally headed to an agreed upon place of meeting with his unlikely comrades, while silently humming a tune Bumblebee taught him once.

Perhaps, an Autobot known as Prowl was right after all?

Perhaps, it was indeed the right time to start having Faith and Trust in teammates once more?

[deadpresidents]

Thanks for being real today.

I get people wanting to be hopeful.

But I can't with "it will be okay" and "we will survive this."

It was not okay for Heather Heyer, Joseph Rosenbaum, Anthony Huber, Joyce Fienberg, Richard Gottfried, Rose Mallinger, Jerry Rabinowitz, Cecil & David Rosenthal, Bernice & Sylvan Simon, Daniel Stein, Melvin Wax, Irving Younger, Andre Anchondo, Jordan Anchondo, Arturo Benavides, Leonardo Campos, Angie Englisbee, Maria Flores, Raul Flores, Guillermo "Memo" Garcia, Jorge Calvillo García, Adolfo Cerros Hernández, Alexander Gerhard Hoffman, David Johnson, Luis Alfonzo Juarez, Maria Eugenia Legarreta Rothe, Maribel (Campos) Loya, Ivan Filiberto Manzano, Elsa Mendoza Marquez, Gloria Irma Márquez, Margie Reckard, Sara Esther Regalado Moriel, Javier Rodriguez, Teresa Sanchez, Juan Velazquez, or any of the other people killed by white supremacists whose actions were aided and abetted by the Trump presidency. These people did not survive. Not to mention all the people who haven't survived COVID, but might have if the Trump administration had taken timely action. Or the women who have died after being refused appropriate medical care because of the rapist and his buddies that Trump appointed decided with some weird pastor in the 1600 said was more important than the lives of actual living, breathing, human beings. Or the school children who would not have been shot to death if we had actual gun control laws in this country, a thing that would have been possible to achieve if Trump had lost in 2016.

Yeah, sure, the majority of us in the United States will probably survive. That's how statistics work. And if that's what somebody needs to hear in order to move forward, then I guess saying such things has a purpose. But it's looking pretty shitty for anybody living in Ukraine and to me, it comes across as disrespectful to the people whose lives have been lost in no small part thanks to what goes down in US elections.

I needed somebody today who would say not only that this is not okay, but this is *really* not okay.

Thanks for being that voice.

Thank you for this. I can't help but write what I feel, even if some of it hasn't been the most optimistic message to send. There is a reality that we need to come to terms with in order to find some way forward. I'm pissed off and I'm disgusted with this country, so I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing because it is therapeutic for me right now and I'm too old to go around punching and kicking people.

I do want to say that I'm also cognizant of the fact that some people just need some time to allow this reality to settle. I certainly don't want to add to the stress or darkness that some of us are feeling right now. There is no denying that this is fucking terrible, but we will regroup and find a way through it. It won't be easy and we're going to have to fight, but I don't want anybody to think that there is genuinely no hope. There's always something that we can do, even if it seems bleak.

If I'm writing something or somebody else is saying something that you're not ready to hear, it's okay to do what you need to do to remain healthy. These posts are going to be here whenever you might feel like reading them. You can and should step away from this if you just need a fucking break. It doesn't mean you're any less ready or willing to fight this battle than anybody else. Even if Trump and the rotten MAGA cult takes control of every lever of power, you can gain a personal victory by not allowing them to completely crush your faith in the future. You can be depressed and despair, but do not give up. Do not give them that power over you. We will find a way. We will get through this. We will figure out what it is that we need to do and who we need to back and how we need to attack, but taking care of your personal health and well-being is more immediately important than the bigger political battle or the next step in the resistance. Take care of yourselves first and we'll still be here and ready to eventually harness this anger and frustration and fucking disgust to defeat the MAGA movement and Trump's Christian nationalist personality cult.

The main thing, though, is that if you're really having a tough time in the immediate future, step away, take some time, go for a walk, read something that has absolutely nothing to do with Donald Trump or American politics (if you need suggestions, I always have book recommendations!), and regroup. Again, we'll get through this, and as goofy and weird and ridiculous as Tumblr can be at times, there's always a community of people on this site willing to listen and help each other when we're struggling. So, if you are having trouble getting to tomorrow, reach out because there are scores of people here who will help get there with you.

[breelandwalker]

Cold Moon - December 26, 2023

Bundle up, witches! It's time for the Cold Moon!

Cold Moon

The Cold Moon is the name given to the full moon which occurs in the month of December, particularly appropriate this year as the full moon will occur late in the month, smack in the middle of the bleak midwinter.

This will be another month when the moon appears full for two nights in a row, so we'll have a full moon for Christmastime, with peak illumination on Dec 26th at 7:33pm EST. (A perfect aesthetic for those who are fans of the classic poem "A Visit From St Nicholas" aka "Twas the Night Before Christmas." Personally, I'm holding out hope that we'll have the snowy conditions to match, though it's a long shot.)

Like most full moon names, the Cold Moon takes its' moniker from an English translation of a traditional name used by one or more North American indigenous groups. There are a number of indigenous names that reference the wintry conditions when this moon occurs, including Snow Moon (Haida, Cherokee), Winter Moon (Tunica-Biloxi), Hoar Frost Moon (Cree), and Long Night Moon (Mohican). More evocative names include Frost Exploding Trees Moon (Cree) and Moon of the Popping Trees (Oglala), both of which refer to a phenomenon which occurs during extreme cold, when the sap inside a tree freezes and the expanding pressure causes portions of the bark or even entire limbs to "pop" with loud cracking sounds that can be heard for miles.

Other names for the December moon include Yule Moon (Norse origins), Oak Moon (Celtic origins), and Bitter Moon (Chinese origins).

What Does It Mean For Witches?

The year is winding down. It's time to wrap up our projects and put aside what we haven't finished or no longer need. Rather than berating ourselves for the things we didn't finish or didn't accomplish, this is a time to give ourselves some grace and celebrate our successes and triumphs and the things we DID accomplish.

With only one page left on the calendar, many of us are already looking ahead to the new year, making plans and setting goals. This is a good time to brainstorm and engage in a bit of broad-view planning. Sketch out the things you'd like to see or do or try in the new year. Give voice to your dreams and start thinking of ways to make them happen.

The Cold Moon also falls soon after the winter solstice this year (Dec 21), which could be a boon for anyone looking to time their seasonal rituals in optimal fashion. A working could be begun on the solstice and built up to culminate on the night of the Cold Moon, just before the start of a new calendar year.

What Witchy Things Can We Do?

Have a small supper gathering with friends or family (holiday themed or not, it's up to you) to share joys and fellowship and enjoy good food and drink. Make wishes together for the new year. (Wish jars can be done individually or as an informal group ritual. Sharing wishes anonymously can be a fun party game.) A "White Elephant" gift exchange with inexpensive or homemade witchy goods for your circle could be fun too!

Make a wish jar for the new year on the winter solstice and put it out to charge under the Cold Moon. Cleanse any of your tools or crystals or accoutrements that you use moonlight for one more time this year.

This is the perfect time for divinations and goalsetting for the coming year. Pull out your favorite divination tools and your 2024 planner and sketch out the coming year. You can also try candle wax divination with holiday candles, if that's something that interests you.

Also, save those seasonal bayberry candles for future use! They're great for debt repayment and money-drawing spells.

If you need some ideas for a fun family activity, you can feed the birds for good luck, either with scattered birdseed or pinecone birdfeeders. String dried fruit slices, cinnamon sticks, pinecones, holly leaves and berries, and other seasonal faves to make garlands. Stick apples or oranges or clementines full of cloves in pretty patterns to make pomanders.

Use those fibre arts skills to create a special piece to keep your home warm and safe and well-supplied until spring. It doesn't have to be anything big - a simple weaving or single square will do. Crochet or cut out snowflakes for your home decor. If you want to get fancy, pick up a ball of cotton warp thread and look for old doily patterns - they look great as hoop weavings hung on the wall (or make a witch web in winter colors).

Make one more batch of moonwater to carry you through to the new year. If it happens to snow or freeze where you live, you can save clean snow or icicles for special (non-drinkable) elemental water, which can be a fun base for moonwater as well.

And speaking of elements, make sure to remember in all your seasonal decorating that fire safety is paramount. Be careful with your candles, warmers, light strings, plugs, extension cords, and cables. DO NOT "daisy chain" your extension cords or power strips. Never leave candles or wax warmers or simmer pots unattended, and turn off your holiday lights before bedtime. Safety first, witches!

Thanks for joining me for this exploration of full moon magic. See you next year!

Happy Cold Moon, witches! 🌕🧊

Further Reading:

Additional Lunar Calendar posts

Moon Rise Calculator - The Old Farmer's Almanac.

Cold Moon: Full Moon in December 2023, The Old Farmer's Almanac.

Full Moon December 2023: Illuminating the Cold Moon's Spiritual Meaning, The Peculiar Brunette.

How Do Trees Survive The Winter?, National Forest Foundation.

How to Make Pomander Balls, The Old Farmer's Almanac.

Fun Kid's Activity: Winter Pinecone Bird Feeder, Audubon Southwest.

Everyday Moon Magic: Spells & Rituals for Abundant Living, Dorothy Morrison, Llewellyn Publications, 2004.

(If you’re enjoying my content, please feel free to drop a little something in the tip jar or check out my published works on Amazon or in the Willow Wings Witch Shop. 😊)

[whumpwillow]

give me a vain whumpee. make him arrogant. make him conceited. So sure of himself, so proud of his own abilities that he looks down on everybody as lesser. He’s got a pretty face and plenty of wealth, perhaps a nobleman’s title, and he lives in complete luxury and splendor.

Now take away what makes him so proud of his abilities, or make it hard for him to do what he once did with ease, so now he struggles with even the slightest task. Take away his wealth and his reputation and his carefree life. Make him suffer endlessly, tormented without reprieve. Make him work for himself. Throw him in the dirt. Scar his face and body until he’s nearly unrecognizable, steal away his beautiful good looks until he thinks of himself as nothing but a monster.

He’s scarred and dirty and bedraggled. His hair is matted with knots and snarls and he just can’t bring himself to care. He lets all thoughts of his past go because they don’t serve him anymore when all he can do is merely try to survive, scrabbling fruitlessly at a bleak future against the torment that still plagues him.

He was once great. He was once respected. Now he wears the same stained clothes every day because he doesn’t have much else and doesn’t care what happens to him other than hoping what hurts him will hurt just a little less.

And then someone comes into his life. A someone who knows him, or at least who he used to be. Perhaps someone who knew him personally, perhaps not, and only heard rumors of the snooty nobleman with the vile temperament. This someone expects the whumpee to look down on them for being lesser, somehow, for being a commoner, or for being less skilled at whatever the whumpee used to pride themselves in accomplishing.

But he isnt. He doesnt have right to it anymore, not when he’s been reduced to this state. he’s little more than looking like a beggar or a drunkard or a madman with his messy hair and dirty clothes and scarred face and body. He hasn’t thought about his past vanity in years. He’s long since given up caring. He’s just wondering when the person will run from him, too offended by his hideous looks to stand being around him.

And then the someone, a caretaker, doesn’t run. Doesn’t cringe away at the sight of him, or at the sight of his face and body so riddled with scars and wounds that were never given the proper chance to heal.

The caretaker accepts this, and just makes sure to draw a bath for the whumpee. Caretaker helps whumpee with his hair, washing it in warm water and gently working out the knots. Whumpee doesnt know when the last time anybody had done this for them. Whumpee doesn’t remember how long its been since somebody touched them without violence.

Caretaker helps whumpee wash his face and get rid of all the dirt. They brush whumpee’s hair and whumpee is thrown back to images of their past self, when they would spend so long perfecting their appearance. Already, they feel more like themselves and yet less so, like a stranger, at the same time.

Whumpee breaks down. He hasn’t taken care of himself in so long because at first he was solely focused on survival, and later because he felt that he didn’t deserve to, that he didn’t deserve anything nice or anything from his old life, even something as simple as being clean.

Caretaker takes whumpee’s face in their hands, cupping his cheeks and looking into his eyes.

“You don’t have to suffer anymore.”

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

hello I just got caught up on the free chapters of tto:u and I just wanna thank you for making it! I had to go on a pretty stressful family trip this past week, and I had to fly (which I'm terrified of, not for logical reasons but for phobia reasons. irrational fear of heights runs in my family) and honestly this story got me THROUGH that week. i can't stop thinking about it, in a good way. it's getting me hooked on sci-fi again, falling in love with the genre all over again. I keep thinking about arborea, about a hacker obsessed with retro-futurism who plays doom on the side of buildings, about bees and sleeping in a nest in a tree. i haven't felt this way about a sci-fi story since I first read the Wayfarer's series, and that story permanently changed my brain chemistry. you write in a way that is so easy, getting across dense exposition in a way that Feels quick and easy and digestible, but grows like a fungus once it's inside my head.

I spent the flight over crying like a baby. I spent the flight home rereading ttou from the start, and all the fears I had about flying seemed so small compared to aspen crawling along the hull of the Courageous hours after waking up from a months/decades long coma. there's this current of teeth-gritted hope and a stubborn will to survive just a little longer, no matter how bleak the future looks, that I cannot get enough of. it's in all your work, but ttou resonates with something in me that's very unique.

basically just wanted to send you a reader's love letter. you did also make me miss SEVERAL buses, because I kept thinking 'ill just read this next paragraph and keep checking the road, there's no way I'll miss this next one by getting too distracted to notice the bus pass me" which honestly, is entirely my own folly. I knew what this story does to ADHD readers. still, getting home late was worth reading more. it's just so damn good.

also (apologies if you've answered this before), does TTO:U have a planned ending? I see the chapters titled but not yet available to read, and I'm not sure if those are available on Patreon or if those are the planned final chapters? I desperately never want to stop reading new chapters of this, but of course I understand that isn't likely Actually feasible. no matter how much is left though, I look forward to reading more, and to finding new things in the previous chapters to fall in love with

I'm so glad you're enjoying it! There's always another bus coming :P

TTOU is 183 chapters long, so you'll be getting the ending pretty soon. Patrons already have the whole thing. After TTOU, there'll be a new story called Child of a Wandering Star, which has bug aliens in it.

[onyourhyuck]

Do I Wanna Know? | J.JH

— Prologue: “Maybe i’m too busy being yours to fall for somebody new.”

— Summary: You and Jaehyun both agreed that there will be no feelings involved. But Jung Jaehyun ended up falling for you, and now you’re being distant with him.

— Genre: Friends with benefits > To lovers. Slightly angsty. Artstudent!jaehyun x politicstuddnt!y/n. Romance. Jaehyun is this indie artist student, Y/n is giving Rory from Gilmore.

— Notes: Do I Wanna Know - Artic Monkeys.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

You and Jaehyun both agreed that there will be no feelings involved, this carried on for eight months. You would fool around sometimes before class, sometimes you’re fooling around with him drunk. The whole point of this arrangement was to make sure you both get laid. As an University student you can’t exactly get a relationship and make sure you can be in that relationship while being a future lawyer. You see it’s quite difficult to even begin a forming attachment. Which is why one day in January, you met Jung Jaehyun.

Jung Jaehyun isn’t your typical pretty face. Sure, he’s got the looks and the body. He is devilishly handsome. People often gossip about his rich family in England. The only thing people saw in him were his appearance, his money and his family. Nothing else but you were different to him.

You actually ended up getting to know Jaehyun. Your classes were the opposite but you’ve met on a night out through a mutual friend and ever since then you have been talking whenever you saw each other on campuses. Somehow you’ve never ran into him before but now meeting him on that night out, you keep seeing him everywhere.

You are the opposite to each other. He prefers apple juice and you prefer the classical OJ juice straight out the fridge cold and iced. It somehow amazes you how well you click despite being so different. He hates politics and you love them, he could hear you talk about politics and somehow it makes him interested. But if he heard it on the news or whatever from someone else he’d want to blow his brains out and make sure to never live the day again.

People only saw Jaehyun from what they know on the outside but the outside never amazed you. When you saw how sensitive and precious Jaehyun was you couldn’t help but think he’s pretty cute. Whenever he draws he used his emotions to draw. You can tell he’s very intact with them, you somehow become envious of how much emotion he can create and draw on a blank piece of canvas in a hour.

You can barely put out an emotion just by thinking about it but you suppose it’s because in Politics you’re not meant to lead with emotion you’re meant to be using logic. Which is why your emotions department is looking a bit bleak. Nonetheless Jaehyun’s art had a way of moving your heart.

He admires the way you lead people by protesting outside of the campus. You told him you like protesting for problems that haven’t been spoken out publicly because many corrupted politicians like to gain something out of the work. He would come and see you do your speeches. He would be cheering you. Jaehyun even let you borrow is laptop so you could finish your assessment when yours ran out in middle of your lecture class, so you left to grab a charger from your dorm only to not have it there.

He remembers the day you came inside his art class crying because you were freaking out so much over this assignment and you hated how your laptop shut down suddenly. He literally dragged you to his dormitory just to get you his laptop. You will forever remember how much he cared for you passing your assignments. Even though he was busy needing to finish his portrait exam. He still chose to help you.

The more you two were entangled in each others lives the harder it was to pull away and eventually one day, you both mutually ended up in each others beds. Multiple times for over eight months you were both together agreeing that no sort of feelings will be involved and that this was just for the sake of your hard working subjects.

But the more Jaehyun had a taste of you he couldn’t stop thinking about taking another taste of you, and then his dreams are all about you. He wasn’t sure what you were feeling. In fact he didn’t wanna know what you were feeling because you seemed so in the moment but by the next day you were acting like you weren’t kissing him so passionately like you were in love. Maybe he read into it wrong.

Maybe he was wrong that he could do a friends with benefits with you because he can’t. He failed the first rule which is, don’t fall for you.

You knew something was off about Jaehyun the minute he was kissing you differently one night. You knew something was definitely not right when he moaned your name so softly, as if he were treating you like you were his girlfriend, his lover, with an intention to make love to you. Not to fuck you, but make love to you. You couldn’t handle it and somehow when you questioned it, Jaehyun couldn’t look you in he eyes straight.

You just knew from that moment of silence from your friend that he was no longer just a friend, he was someone who was wanting more.

And you couldn’t handle it. You broke it off that night and since then you and Jaehyun haven’t been as communicative as you were before. You don’t come over to each other’s classes anymore. Your mutual friends don’t see you guys speaking anymore. Your families don’t hear you speak about you and Jaehyun anymore they could only wonder what’s been happening behind the scenes. You and Jaehyun, have stopped being together.

But somehow you still saw each other whenever you guys went. It was like a trick in the matrix to you. You thought if you pull away you’d be free from Jung Jaehyun. But the more you walk away the further he walks forward and somehow you guys meet paths so many times again and again.

You saw him at the bowling centre when you went with a guy friend, Doyoung, from your politics major class.

You saw Jaehyun with your other mutual friend you both share at the bowling centre, with Johnny Suh, and you were both blown away.

What are the chances? None of you had a way of knowing where the other one is so how come you keep on running into each other.

Then your mutual friend Johnny decided it’s a great idea to merge both groups together because apparently, Doyoung and him go back together through high school. Somehow you wanted to disappear from the face of this earth knowing that your friend and Johnny were pretty good senior and junior throughout their high school years which left you and Jaehyun awkwardly confused and wondering what about you two?

It didn’t change the fact that Doyoung and you had a great time together. Smiling and laughing at god knows what. You were speaking to Johnny too, Jaehyun felt jealous with the way Doyoung can casually put his hand around you or tap your shoulder.

It lead him to wondering, ‘Do I Wanna Know if you miss me too?’

‘Do I Wanna if you ever wanna go back to the times when we were together like this too?’

These questions overpopulated his busy mind and you weren’t even aware of it how much he’s been feeling grey and blue without you. He couldn’t draw anything but you and somehow all his professors were worried with the amount of drawings of you were crowding the classroom storage now.

Jaehyun went through so many breaks up which is bizarre to me considering he handled them so well but with you this felt so much worse than a breakup to him and he couldn’t explain it. He couldn’t put a finger on it wondering why and what is making this worse and it’s probably because it’s you. You’re special and he grew attached to you.

When Doyoung and Johnny left you behind to grab popcorn and a few drinks for you guys, it leaves you and Jaehyun sitting next to each other in tense silence wondering when they will come back. It felt like two people waiting for their parents to come and pick them up from school, it felt exactly like that.

You fiddle with your thumbs, pushing away your feelings so you could try and speak to him. “So Johnny wanted to go bowling?” You trail to the boy next to you who had the gloomiest expression ever you couldn’t even imagine what Jaehyun must be feeling.

For you sure, you can handle seeing Jaehyun. But for Jaehyun it felt like two worlds colliding and he doesn’t want them to. It’s making his open wound more wide and open, it’s going to bleed him out if he keeps seeing your beautiful face, hearing your wonderful voice that keeps making his heart all soft and warm. His scars only get more painful when he knows you and him are no longer what you used fo be.

He turns at you somehow his eyes finding the time to look appreciating your eyes finding a wanderlust beauty in them and he couldn’t look away from them. “Mhm, Johnny called me up to go bowling suddenly.” He says biting the bottom lip as he looks away. “And your friend over there? I remember seeing him in your class once.”

“Ah Doyoung? Yeah. He wanted to go bowling suddenly too and we planned to go here.” You nod humming.

You felt your hands become a whole waterfall with the amount of sweat they produce. You and Jaehyun never had an awkward moment before but now it’s just only awkward moments you can’t imagine how hard it must be for the audience watching this, aka your friends, who probably know something is freaking up with you both.

Jaehyun suddenly broke the third wall, letting his emotions carry him throughout his entire existence. “Do you miss me?” ‘Do I Wanna know…’ he trails into his palms thinking hard, if he even wants to know the truth.

You couldn’t lie but the minute he asked you, you were screaming yes instantly. Without a doubt you miss him, of course you do. You were super close and before then you spend the days together for so long. Eight months isn’t a small number of times. You spend a long term time being friends with Jaehyun and halfway through that your bodies were more than friends too.

It’s impossible not to miss Jung Jaehyun. He was a part of you.

“Jaehyun…” You trail stopping yourself. Your heart was beating so fast it’s made you nearly stutter out. Jaehyun faces you seriously and you glance back shortly.

“Of course I miss you. It’s just…” you pause again, holding your teeth to the bridge of your mouth.

“I miss you, a lot Y/n. I cant sleep and eat without you and I don’t know if I’m the only one going crazy here but why can’t you be with me? Has it never crossed your mind?” He softly retorts at you putting all sorts of questions out there he needed answers for, but you yourself didn’t know how to answer them.

What your respond to those were a complete unknown world mystery. You weren’t sure what to do because all you were feeling was blush crawling on your face, you felt your body going into a fighting mode, or maybe those were the butterflies? You weren’t even sure if this was love or if this was your body telling you to run, make a run for it.

“Jaehyun…we are friends. We can’t be anything more than that. You know this from the start.”

Jaehyun knew it from the start but that never stopped him from developing feelings for you nonetheless that rule was the dumbest rule he has ever heard and the more he keeps hearing you talk about it the more his feelings were becoming progressively stronger for worse or for better.

“Why don’t you find someone new Hm?” You smile at him trying to light up the situation.

Every political issue has a problem logically it can be solved by another situation. You thought about this through political eye point of view so if Jaehyun likes you, a way to discard those feelings is if he meets another girl. Yes, exactly that.

You thought you found a loophole but Jaehyun found it incredibly difficult and mean to process. He found it almost impossible and somehow you, the one he loves, being the one to address him a solution to getting over you made his blood boil a little.

“Maybe i’m too busy being yours to fall for somebody new.” He gnaws beneath his breath pushing himself off the seat and suddenly, grabbing his bags.

You look at him with widen eyes. “Hey— where are you going Jaehyun?”

You couldn’t believe it but he looked pretty angry with you right now and you wondered maybe you weren’t going with the good approach. The moment he left the building your two friends come back with the food completely shocked by seeing only you left. Johnny squints his eyes at Jaehyun’s seat helplessly.

“Jaehyun looks a little different here.” He says lightly. “Where’d he go Y/n?”

You look down murmuring. “He left.”

Doyoung chokes on his cola looking over at Jaehyun. You were busy looking down at your hands thinking this through because you must’ve said something mean to truly upset him and you couldn’t help but think maybe you’re the one in the wrong here. Your two friends were whispering in the air to one another, near-yelling whispers.

Doyoung points at Johnny miming all sorts of actions to the older guy. “You said this bowling situation would bring them back to normal.” He clenched his jaw speaking harshly and quietly in front.

Johnny looks back helplessly. He and Doyoung met up together one night planning this day together so that it would look like a little coincidence that they would meet up at this bowling public area. It felt like a genius plan but someone had to make sure it didn’t work.

You grab your head pulling on your hair feeling that you were too harsh on him. You felt awful.

“I’m awful. I’m an awful person.” You bite on your bottom lip in worry. You’re starting to realise how much of a jerk you’ve been to Jaehyun.

The two boys join your side to comfort you knowing that you probably weren’t aware how to deal with whatever situation you’ve been through together. You sit in your seat trembling just by the thought of Jaehyun truly walking out of your life it made you rethink things. You’ve not been grateful enough for him. Johnny taps your shoulders, to go and show comfort for you.

But no matter what your friends say all your body was telling you to do was go find Jaehyun and apologise on your knees, just go and find him before it’s too late because he was an one in a life time person you’ll ever meet who actually loves you so much he would rather suffer than have you suffer.

“What did you say to him?” Doyoung spoke out causing you to murmur your response in shame.

“I told him to find and look for someone new. So he could get over me quickly.” I flatly said.

Johnny clears his throat when Doyoung looks at Johnny glaring. He knew he shouldn’t of trusted Johnny with this bowling idea.

“I- maybe you weren’t thinking with your heart when you said that, were you?” Johnny slants looking at you and you look back at him.

“Yeah. I thought that… if politics had a solution to everything maybe this did too. The logical route I guess.”

Doyoung never wanted to slap someone so much beforehand but mentally told himself you were built different and perhaps he should go the softer scolding method to way you out.

“Y/n love isn’t politics. Love is something your heart desires not what your brain wants you to do and believe.” Doyoung told you shaking his head.

You widen your eyes realising that Doyoung and Johnny was right. You kept on thinking about Jaehyun logically when you broke it off you kept on thinking that if you put your distance your relationship will be forgotten or something, but in reality your heart never wanted that.

Your heart always wanted Jaehyun. When you and Jaehyun kiss your heart was the only thing beating not your freaking brain.

You clench your hands together suddenly running out and Doyoung looks at Johnny side slanting.

“I bet twenty won that Y/n will make the first move.” Doyoung smirks.

Johnny pull out thirty won in his hand. “I bet thirty that Jaehyun will do the first move.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Wondering endlessly where on earth could Jaehyun be you were chasing the one you were avoiding all this time so stupidly because you were afraid, all because of one single emotion called fear took control over you. In reality you were busy being in denial all in your head thinking about this like it were some freaking political campaign.

Jaehyun wasn’t some protest. He wasn’t an exam you needed to study for. He wasn’t a thing you should’ve been avoiding in all along where in fact you should’ve been here, in front of him, holding him, speaking to him.

Being true to him.

But no you didn’t do that. You were too stupid to.

Meanwhile Jaehyun was spending his precious time mopping about the horrible incident between your fall out he was spending his time wondering if this feeling goes both way. He always chose you. He would always wanna know, if you ever returned his unknowingly emotions he feels for you; the feelings he held dear to his poor ole’ heart for you. He wanna know if you want to be the one to wake up to his side every morning, he wanna know if you ever thought about calling him up, he wanna know if you would have drinks with him like the old times.

He would want to know if you, were willing to be his.

Now you’re the one crawling back to him.

You have iron between your teeth everytime you play it on repeat how shameless you were hurting your friend and his feelings, the guy you all along were falling for but weren’t even aware of it this closely until you were losing him. To know how precious someone is sometimes, you gotta lose the precious think to want it back.

‘Do I wanna know…’

‘I’m crawling back to you.’

‘My heart is open to you now.’

Jaehyun doesn’t need to wonder if your heart is closed at this time or when it’s going to be open next time so he could have you all to himself. No. He doesn’t need to wait anymore.

‘If you wanna to we can be together.’

Jaehyun doesn’t need to hope for you to stay anymore.

‘Because you’re staying with him.’

You run down to the house banging on the door with your fists knocking so hard you could chuck the entire wooden door down by the power you’re enforcing. You were panting, heat coming to your cheeks and your eyes teary eyed with water in them. The cold suppresses your body.

You ran all over the city for him only to crawl back to his house that you’ve been going to all these months sleeping with him, in his warm bed that is now empty, wondering if you’d ever stay in his bedsheets again. Even though they smell of you you’re gone.

The moment you saw Jaehyun standing in the doorway with a distasteful look on his face seeing you, you were the one biting your bottom lip.

“Y/n what are you doing here?”

You never wanted to stay with someone until now.

“I’m here to make things right.” You pant coming forward grabbing Jaehyun by his collars pushing the boy inside his house making you enter with a harsh kiss on his mouth. Jaehyun felt like he were on extreme ecstasy the moment your soft but very cold mouth was roughly exposing him to a makeout with you. Your bodies falling flat on the bed sheets again, it didn’t take a whole second to figure your way round the house. It felt like a core muscle memory for you considering you’ve stayed in this house and in this same exact bed with him so many times to count. It was your secret.

Too many secrets you are keeping with Jaehyun, constantly playing on repeat until you fall asleep. You both were wanting to know if this feel was going on both ways, he was wondering, if you were staying or not. If you were crawling back to him, or not.

Jaehyun swipes you underneath him biting on the bottom lip leaving you breathless, you look mythical underneath him almost like a siren who was alluringly close with his heart bewitching it making him madly in love with you.

“Will this night be the same night for the things you can’t say tomorrow,” Jaehyun watches you deeply wanting a genuine response, to something he wants to know, for a long time he’s been waiting. “Or will it be different. Will you stay with me and become mine?”

You’re watching him with the intent of doing exactly that. To stay until he gets sick of you because you’re done running without a pathway to someone good. You’re done being alone and pretending you don’t need anyone when in reality all you ever needed was someone — someone like Jaehyun.

You cup his face smiling. “I’m crawling back to you. I’m done being your friend, Jaehyun. I am yours.” He watches your face leans in whispering to his lips before deeply touching his own.

“You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to hear this.”

Jaehyun says as if this were his biggest dream come true to hear you accept the same feelings he was feeling.

He never thought so much before, but he wanted to know and you let him know how you truly felt.

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@onyourhyuck please refer from translating and copyrighting my work thank youu! Reblog this fic and follow for more updates it helps a girl out.

[canisbrutus]

hii if your reqs are still open, i like ur headcanons very much and do u perhaps have any on wade? i barely see content of him and hes a mess of a guy.. .. . .

awh ty ty! Yeah that boy. hooh. Somebody get him a sandwich.

CW: mentions of child abuse and alcoholism. obviously.

Wade Martin 💣

The Basics:

inhales.

so as you know he's got a shit relationship with his dad.

gets allllll his aggression from him.

his mom left the picture and took his sister christy with her maybe ~3 years prior to ingame events.

being under that roof alone with him. its certainly shaped this boy.

him and his father are what the preps and many of the 'financially superior' would call: trailer trash. or white trash.

no prospects, no hope, no future, just another bluecollar jackass.

such a bleak scene doesnt foster any form of academic success.

to say he struggled in school is an understatement. and of course, he certainly didnt have any help at home.

only his friends, tom, trent, etc, in the same shit boat he was in, agreed: school sucked ass.

at least he had them. they were all he had.

Expanded Lores:

to understand wade, we must first take a look at his father.

and boy, what a piece of work he is.

yes that man currently owns? a seafood restaurant. but earlier in life his real passion was boxing.

heavyweight champion before he had a seizure on the mat.

but that Fight never left him.

he never raised a fist against his children while his wife was around. but after she left and his drinking problem got worse?

well. wade picked up some moves from him too.

wade's father didnt have any patience for such a disappointment after life fucked him over so much already.

but hey at least he's got his buddies he cracks skulls with.

all the bullies are like pack bonded tbh. yeah they're hooligans but they're very ride or die together. loyal to the end.

bc god knows they aint got anyone else.

even his sister doesnt really like him. yeah she'll giggle at the stunts he pulls, but he's a bit too... i unno Gross for her tastes.

that typical teenage hormone fueled 'uhhhhh girlllllls' source of serotonin he's hooked on.

but again, at least he has his own 'brotherhood' he fraternizes with.

like rebels, or perhaps greek soldiers.

yeah he's a fan of those mythologies. histories. achilles, perseus, heracles, etc.

are him and his bully boys just as faggy as the greeks?

idk man what goes on in the trenches stays in the trenches.

Anyway

this boy has a severe insectophobia. stemming from a rather unpleasant infestation at home.

it is a Blessing his father doesnt actually do any of the cooking at the restaurant.

for ages they've battled against the three menaces: ants, flies, and worst of all fuckin german cockroaches.

many a night has wade woken up to something or several somethings crawling on him.

at least bullworth only has rats. in the dorms, anyway.

the kitchen is a different story of course and he doesnt trust anything in it. which is justified.

moving on his favorite victims are donald bucky and constantinos respectively.

typically he gets the latter to do his homework. which doesnt always turn out well for him.

his grades have not improved in the slightest but at least he has more time to dick around.

he drinks sometimes but he doesnt really like it. if anything it just makes him miserable because it makes him feel even more stupid.

he's pretty fuckin depressed at heart he just hides it behind his fists most of the time.

he's a jackass that's just tired of all the bullshit in his life. who knows maybe he wishes they'd take him away from his dad if he acts up enough.

maybe then his mom would stop harping on him so much if it means having him back. maybe she'd regret leaving him behind.

maybe then his father would regret what he's done and start Loving Him again.

hey is it just me or are these starting to look more like character analyses than hc dumps. well whatever you wanna call em i like writing em.

requests are still open lalala

[hc masterpost link]

[bengiyo]

Love in the Big City Eps 7-8: Always Forward

Writing about the end of Love in the Big City is hard for me because it’s hard to seem to happy about a show going so dour for this long, but I mostly feel relieved that the show didn’t completely pull back on Yeong’s bleak existence after Gyu-ho. Overall, I really loved this adaptation, and especially enjoyed Sang Young Park’s opportunity to revisit this story after a few years away from it.

Starting with the way Gyu-ho haunted this section, I absolutely loved how they were able to flash back to the previous part and allow us to see how much closer Yeong got to Gyu-ho. I thought the looks at their trip to Thailand outside of the Yeong depressive haze of Part 3 played out really well here now that he’s mourning the relationship. It’s always so sad to me with Yeong how he will choose to isolate rather than subject his bullshit on others.

I find myself thinking a lot about the pills they got for Gyu-ho, how they were able to have one night of lovemaking without Kylie hanging over them, how the side effects of those drugs were pretty rough at the time, and how Yeong probably hated the idea of Gyu-ho taking pills forever because of him. It’s ironic that the idea that they could build a relationship around Kylie scared him more than anything because he knew it would be less than what he envisioned Gyu-ho could have for himself.

I wrote last week about how the apartment was too small, and I’m so glad that we got to see Yeong move out of that apartment in the finale. It felt so appropriate that he moved to a new place that literally looked like a blank slate for him to start over. I’m glad he took so little of the old apartment with him. He kept his mother’s nicest liquor cabinet and her trophies, a few personal items, and otherwise gave himself a new start. Like many of us, he had a big love in his 20s and it didn’t work out. He’s had some success as an author, and now can try to move forward. I like that the only things he takes with him to the new apartment beyond a few personal items are his friends. That feels like the right place to end a story like this.

Speaking of the T-aras, I really loved including them in this show. I hope that for SYP, there really was a group of friends like this for him during his 20s when he was experiencing the events that inspired some of this story. It feels like a not-so-quiet love letter to those friends that he made sure we saw how they grew and supported Yeong over the course of the story.

I loved that we saw Yeong grow closer to Eun Su in this section over the broken engagement. Gay relationships can be hard because we don’t have the structures of heteronormativity to help keep us together, like child rearing. So much of it comes down to whether we want to be with this person in and of itself, and for many of us marriage just isn’t the right solution to affirm that. I like that Eun Su realized this about himself before they committed to far, and it was Yeong who he knew would understand him on this.

I am so glad they went with different directors for each section. I think Hur Jin-ho might be my favorite with the way he used a lot of still shots to capture the stifling nature of Yeong’s time in the hospital and his broken relationship with Yeong Su. I loved the way Kim Se-in shot the follow up look at the trip to Thailand in Part 4, after the beautiful work Hong Ji-young gave us in the small details of the relationship with Gyu-ho that Hong Ji-young captured in Part 3. I would also like to applaud Song Tae-gyum for getting so much energy out of the cast and the shots in Part 1, because the long toll of events on Yeong does not land without coming down from the energy of Part 1. Absolutely phenomenal work from all four directors and the crews.

As a single story instead of four connected vignettes, I respect the choices the adaptation made to soften some of the heaviest parts of this story, and in particular give us a more hopeful look at Yeong’s future. I love that I feel like I can love the book and drama together and separately. It’s rare that I find a drama adaptation does a good job or elevates the original work, and I’m really glad that I can say that about this show. Everyone put they whole foot in this drama, and it shows.

Finally, I would like to give a huge thanks to Nam Yoon Su, Jim Ho Eun, Lee So Kyung, Kown Hyuk, Na Hyun Woo, Lee Hyun So, Byun Jun Seo, Jung Chan Yeong, and Oh Hyun Kyung, and the rest of the cast for all their work on this show. This feels like a once-in-a-generation show, not unlike Moonlight (2016), where we may never see the direct impacts of it. Someday, I hope we see the spiritual successor to this show, and can point back at it and thank it for getting us to that future. It’s rare that we get this much experienced talent in dramas playing queer life this frankly, and I will carry Go Young with me for the rest of my life, and will reflect on him and myself in his relationships with his mom, the T-aras, Gyu-ho, Yeong Su, Mi Ae, Nam Gyu, and even Habibi. What I am thankful for with the drama is that we leave Yeong looking forward and not back.

It has been an honor reacting to this show with all of you in the Love in the Big City Book Club. Thank you all for sharing your thoughts, gifs, and creations with us for this past month. I am so thankful that we got to do this experience together twice. I look forward to our next big outing.

[writershapeholeonthedoor]

My favorite ships ranked!

There's a huge chance this list will change once every two days at the very least, but let's do it!

1. SUPERCORP

Literally my favorite ship ever. They're just perfect for each other in every possible way. Their love languages complement each other perfectly, they can rely on each other, and they work together like the best team in the world. Lena needs love and Kara knows how to offer it without asking for anything in exchange. She will take whatever Lena is willing to give her and be happy about it. But Kara still needs someone that will look at her and see who she really is, no judgment, and someone who she will be comfortable being herself - Kara Zor El - with.

Speaking of fanfic, I think it’s safe to say these fandom has some very talented authors who gave us very well written works. They can also work in every possible scenario, so that's a huge bonus.

Favorite scene: "Supergirl might have saved the city, but, Kara Danvers, you're my hero."

2. SHOOT

Shoot is THAT couple that should have ended up together, but didn’t. I don't hold a grudge on it, though, because Root's death made sense to the show's ongoing plot. I can't say they would be perfect like Supercorp because Shaw has some emotional problems and Root is just also in love with a artificial intelligence or whatever, but they would work. Shaw would try - for Root - and Root would love every part that Shaw allows her to see.

Favorite scene: "You can't live with me and I can't live without you."

3. WAYHAUGHT

Do I even have to say anything? Our most perfect CANON couple. They were perfect from start to finish. The way Nicole absolutely adored Waverly, almost like a worship even, but wasn’t afraid to stand tall on her ideas and opinions. The way Waverly acted like Nicole hung the moon and stars in the sky just for her, and how we know she would be able to do anything to keep Nicole happy. They're that couple that make everyone's teeth rotten with how sweet they are.

Favorite scene: "You guys make The Notebook look bleak."

4. CABENSON

One of my favorite gay ships, so it has a special place in my heart. In the early seasons, it's pretty clear, at least for me, that Alex and Olivia could have something going on. I believe they were both shoving it away because none of them was ready to get seriously involved with anyone and they knew that whatever they decided to have would be too special to be treated lightly. Unfortunately, time was cut short for them when Alex got pulled away for WitSec.

I do think they will forever be each other's "almost", or "what if", but they're long past that now. They changed too much and they did it separately. If they were together, they would have changed around each other and, possibly, be able to work those differences to stay together. But now I don't think they would be able to keep a relationship. It's a bit sad, but it's also a very good portrait of reality.

Favorite scene: "You like being back on court, don't you?"

5. BISHOVA

I'm new to this ship, but I already love it. They remind me a lot of Shoot, actually. We just know that Yelena needs to find someone who would love her with no restrictions and that she deserves to find love. And Kate needs someone able to ground her, but also someone who allows her to be as silly as she wants, someone that will always have her back, doesn't matter how insane her plans might be. They have chemistry too. Also, I can see them getting together with no drama at all, or maybe something they can easily solve, and then being together for the rest of their lives to the point that they can't even remember a time they didn’t know each other. We didn’t get to see them that much, sadly, but I keep my hopes up for more scenes of them in the future.

Favorite scene: "You have one fork?"

6. FLEURMIONE

Okay, two intelligent and beautiful women together? Sign me in! I've been in Harry Potter's fandom for many, many, years now and, after giving it too much thought, I can safely say that Fleur would be the perfect match for Hermione. She would challenge Hermione, they would have endless discussions about any and every subject, they would have enough books together to fill up a library, and they would make each other want to be better every day. I also see Fleur being a bit sarcastic and Hermione keeps rolling her eyes at her at least fifteen times a day.

Fleur is constantly curious about the muggle world, always eager to learn anything Hermione is willing to show her. She would have a great relationship with Hermione's parents, mostly because she thinks they're one of the most genius people on the planet because they know how to fix people's teeth. Meanwhile, Gabrielle would loooove to talk with Hermione, especially when they get together to embarrass Fleur.

Favorite scene: You know, the totally canon one when Fleur asked Hermione to the Yule Ball.

7. LOU MILLER X DEBBIE OCEAN

Heist wives? Yes, please.

We don't even need to pretend. These two were totally banging throughout the whole movie. The headcanon is that they used to date, then Debbie made some stupid decisions, met the wrong people, they broke up for a while and then Debbie got locked up. I believe Lou was so angry with her for both being stupid and for ruining what they had because she wanted to get more money than they actually needed, that she didn’t even visit Debbie in prison.

While there, Debbie had enough time to realize how much of an idiot she had been, so it's up to her to win Lou back. Meanwhile, Lou knows that she's screwed the second she sees Debbies smile again. She just can't help but orbit around her.

Also, they're the Moms, no doubt about that.

Favorite scene: "Baby, I don’t have a diamond yet."

8. DANSEN

The only reason they’re all the way down here is because I hate CW, but I actually love them more than half of my family. They’re married, they’re moms, they’re in love, they’re perfect. Someone as caring as Kelly needed someone to make her go crazy like Alex, while Alex deserved someone that would understand her no matter what. Honestly, I just love them.

Favorite scene: THE PROPOSAL

9. CAROLNAT

Is there any chance this could happen? No.

Do I still dream about it? Constantly.

It's just one of those couples where things would just work. My biggest headcanon for them is that they would be constantly laughing and having fun. Always joking and playing around with each other. Natasha would crave physical touch and Carol would be happy just to be around her at all. Carol would finally find a reason to stay on Earth without feeling guilty about it and Natasha would one thousand percent make a retirement party for her.

Also, they would protect each other so fiercely that no one would even dare to warm any of them.

Favorite scene: The one where Natasha ends up on top of Carol in the training room. Totally canon, trust me.

10. GLORBIA

Might sounds crazy, but hear me out.

Barbie is literally Gloria's dream Barbie, and Gloria is the reason Barbie is alive. Once Barbie becomes human, I can totally see Gloria falling for her without even noticing it, while Barbie takes a while to realize what are those things she's feeling. I do believe Sasha would have a strong part in bringing them together. She would be the one to explain to Barbie what a crush is and what being in love should feel like, and then she would have to give her mom a gentle push to acknowledge her own feelings.

After that, fluff all the way. Gloria would be the most patient person in the world while she sees Barbie navigating human life, just happy to have whatever Barbie is comfortable giving her. Meanwhile, Barbie keeps getting surprised by how strong her feelings can be every time she even looks at Gloria.

Favorite scene: Not a scene per se. Instead, I'm bringing that Tumblr post that says "Ken only has a great day when Barbie looks at him. Gloria always has a great day when she looks at Barbie."

Bonus

11. GAY BELLA

Quite literally, any lesbian ship from Twilight. My favorite one is Rosella, but Bella x Tanya is a close second. Bellice is also a very strong candidate, not to mention Bella x Kate. And, oh, did I hear someone say Bella x Irina or was it Bella x Leah? Honestly, just give me lesbian Bella and I will be happy.

12. ROJARIAS

One of the hottest couples that exist.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

[pluckyredhead]

Did I just read your Super Sons primer from 2020 at 3 am on a Monday morning because I'm having a real normal one? Maybe?! I'm wondering how you feel about how they and their relationship has developed since then. IMO it's... Pretty bleak. 😩

I HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT IT. (Also here's the primer for anyone who missed it.)

So I will say that 95% of everything Jon has been in since he got aged up has been hot garbage, but I do think the exception is when Damian is around. But let's take it from the top!

First of all, I don't necessarily think they should de-age him again. Generally speaking I think it's better storytelling to focus on fixing things moving forward, rather than undoing things moving back. Sure, if DC came up with some big cosmic event that reset Jon to 11, I certainly wouldn't complain, but I'd rather see them, uh...do literally anything with Teen Jon that doesn't suck.

But yeah, aging Jon up to begin with still makes me livid because:

I want my baby to have had a childhood.

It's fully character assassination for Lois and Clark. They would NEVER let their 11-year-old go to outer space with a supervillain. Lois would NEVER just abandon him out there, and Clark would NEVER respond with "Well, I'm sure he's fine, wanna have marathon sex?" I honestly have no idea what Bendis or his editor were thinking.

They have not done a single interesting with him since!!!

Putting this behind a cut because it got LONG. Also spoilers for Beast World in there.

I've said this before, but I have to assume that Bendis wanted to age Jon up because he wanted to write a Legion book. But he also in his wisdom decided to bring Kon back into continuity at exactly the same time, which means we have two nearly identical Superboys that DC didn't and still doesn't know what to do with. Kon clearly couldn't have joined the LOSH because he already had a team, but you know what Super teen was available, and not 11, and who has a history with the Legion that goes back almost as long as Clark's? KARA. But I will save that rant for another day.

And honestly, Kara dodged a bullet, because that Legion book was unreadable. Bendis at his most Bendis-y wall of text interrupt-y conversations and no plot. If I give Tom Taylor any credit it's that the second he got his hands on Jon, he torpedoed Jon/Imra as a ship. GOOD.

And when the LOSH book finally went out with a whimper (that JLA/LOSH miniseries! what was that!!!), we entered the Taylor Era. Taylor's quirks are less stylistic and more narrative than Bendis's. You can spot Bendisian dialogue at twenty paces, but a Taylor comic tips its hand when it sets up a really interesting premise or a really high stakes threat and then immediately undercuts it with a little wet fart noise of nothing. To wit:

Jon's starting college! This will be an interesting challenge for him to readjust to normal life after six years in a torture-volcano and an indeterminate amount of time in the future, and also considering he never graduated from sixth grade. I wonder what will - oh no he dropped out after three pages. (He has done NOTHING in his civilian identity since, btw. I guess he's too busy hovering just behind Dick at all times to work on his GED or whatever.)

Jon is going to confront Ultraman! Finally the comics will have to engage with all the trauma he must have - oh no Ultraman's dead.

Jon is trapped in the Injustice Universe! This is a really dangerous universe that might make him question everything he knows about - oh he just lectured everyone and flounced off home.

Beast World is a perfect example. Taylor seems to think that having a hero effortlessly solve a problem makes them look badass, but it's actually the effort that makes them look badass. So like, we spent five months keeping the Kryptonians and other A-class heroes away from the spores because the spores are attracted to power and if a Super got spore'd everyone would be in big trouble...but then in the last issue, they just have Jon fly up to everyone with a spore in them, wait for the spore to jump at him, and catch it? That doesn't make the Titans look smart or Jon look tough. It makes all of them look like idiots because it it was that easy, why didn't they do that in the first place?

On top of that, Taylor doesn't ever really earn relationships. Jon and Jay is the obvious one. Jay has no personality. There's no chemistry between the two characters. Jon might as well be dating a cardboard cutout labeled "Proof of Queerness." (Or "Bernard." Ahem.) But we're supposed to be like, yes, give Tom Taylor a GLAAD award for using queer characters as props, when he's going to turn around and kiss Chuck Dixon's ass on social for being homophobic about Jon? UGH.

Honestly worse for me though is the Jon and Dick relationship. Because Taylor is writing both characters, we're supposed to believe that there's this close mentor-mentee bond there? I don't think they EVER interacted before the Taylor era. (And don't even look at me with that retconned-in scene of Dick finding lost baby Jon. You're telling me that Superman, with his X-ray and telescopic vision, needs to call Bruce and Dick for help finding his own son? Fuck off.)

Anyway it all combines to make basically every Jon appearance for the past three years profoundly unsatisfying. Even the stuff that isn't by Taylor never goes anywhere. Remember when he was jealous of the Super Twins for two panels? And then everyone forgot about it forever? SIGH.

HOWEVER.

However.

If there is one thing that Bendis and Taylor and every other writer got right, it's that Jon is crazy bonkers in love with Damian always and forever. Jon has been written like shit since 2019, but he has also not wavered in his devotion for even one single solitary second.

THE EVIDENCE:

This is the first thing Jon does when he gets back to Earth:

He then tells Damian he's contemplating not joining the Legion because he'll have to leave Damian behind. Damian tells him to go and then come get him if it's cool.

Turns out the Legion is cool. Jon comes and gets Damian. The Legion isn't happy about it and Jon threatens to leave if Damian can't stay, while gazing adoringly at Damian's unconscious body cradled in his arms:

Eventually LOSH is canceled and Jon comes home and starts following Damian around by listening for his heartbeat. LIKE PALS DO!

Then Damian gives him a pep talk!

Then there's this ABSOLUTE CUDDLE:

The way Damian nuzzles into Jon's shoulder! Can you even stand it!

And then there's this:

The climax of Son of Kal-El, btw, is one of the several times Jon is saved by Damian and confides in Damian and turns to Damian for comfort or advice...and Jay is just sort of standing there off to the side. I am fully aware I have ship goggles on but the degree of emotional investment Jon has in these relationships is not the same.

Then they had a special issue teamup:

Then we got Dark Crisis, and I actually love this interaction between them, because they are very different people with very different upbringings and this feels extremely in character to me for how they would both handle the loss of their fathers:

But even when they disagree, they still instantly support each other. Jon comes back with information? Damian makes a plan:

Also, we got the 2022 Pride issue where Jon, Jay, and Damian go to Pride together. I know that story is...contentious...but leave me here with Damian sulking while Jon and Jay kiss, okay?

Then we get Adventures of Superman, which is objectively awful, but Jon does spend his whole time in the Injustice universe thinking about Damian like the seagulls in Finding Nemo saying "Mine? Mine? Mine?"

This whole arc is truly hilarious. Jon finds out that Damian accidentally killed Dick and his response is to a) go find Batman and yell at him for not supporting Damian enough for accidentally killing Dick, and then b) go find Damian to be like "Wow, that must have been really hard for you (accidentally killing Dick)." There's being ride or die for your BFF, and then there's whatever the fuck Jon has going on.

(Meanwhile there's an incredibly uncomfortable scene with him and Injustice Jay where Jay "tests" him by trying to get Jon to cheat on regular Jay. So. That happens.)

And then just this past month we got Nightwing #110, where we learn that Jon is still listening to Damian's heart:

He completely freaks out watching Damian in danger, and immediately intervenes when it looks like Damian is about to kill someone because he knows what matters the most to Damian. Also, this happens:

YOU WIN THIS ONE, TAYLOR.

AND THEN THEY BICKER I LOVE IT WHEN THEY BICKER:

AND THEN DAMIAN LETS HIMSELF BE VULNERABLE BY ASKING JON IF HE HURT ANYONE WHILE HE WAS A KITTY, AND JON GIVES YET ANOTHER SPEECH ABOUT HOW DAMIAN HAS NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG EVER, IN HIS LIFE, AND DAMIAN STAGGERS OFF, LEANING ON JON.

This isn't even getting into the Trinity backup stories in Wonder Woman, which, like...Tom King is not valid but Jon and Damian are such an old married couple in them? It's truly incredible?

It took me like 45 minutes to parse Jon's line here as the general 'you" and not specifically Jon saying Damian wasn't straight. But like..."That's for straight people, which has nothing to do with us" is a hell of a thing to say, Jonathan.

I ALSO haven't even talked about DCeased because it's a different universe, but! Jon sitting with Damian while he dies??? MY HEART.

IN CONCLUSION:

Yes, they should never have aged up Jon.

Yes, most of his appearances since have been terrible and bland.

But OH BOY, do he and Damian remain in love.

[alfredosauce50]

What makes me human

[Cyberpunk! America x reader] 20

Wordcount: 12, 428 Rating: R18+ for adult themes, violence, and gore Synopsis: ??? Content warning: Major character death(s). Heavy sexual references. Content may be disturbing for some readers. Proceed with caution.

20 - finale

“Considering we’re all about to bite the dust, you guys fixed this ship up pretty good,” Allen remarked, walking into the control room with a more relaxed composure than he should’ve had. 

In just a few hours, this thing would be taking everyone to their final resting place. As bleak as that sounded, it couldn’t be far from the truth, so he smoked himself up for the occasion. 

“You don’t have to remind me,” Arthur mused, brushing past him. While he made his way to the other side of the room, he got a whiff of the nicotine that was wafting off him, but he couldn’t be bothered by the smell. He had something else to be bothered by, like his boyfriend’s dismissive attitude to the undismissable — that he was about to be thrown into the lion’s den. 

He got to their side, and they were currently working on one of the dashboards on the bridge, configuring the system. There, he made one final attempt to talk himself out of the action. 

“Can’t I just stay here and wait for you?” He leaned down, expression tense.

“And let you out of our sight? No way.” Zao shot him down without so little as a single glance, which was ironic considering what he just said.

“Look, I’m not a cyberpunk like you lot. I can’t fight, I can’t netrun, I’ll just slow you all down,” Arthur was exasperated, but he kept his voice down lest he be overheard by his apprentice. Knowing them, the last thing they needed was more panic added into the mix. “How would it make any sense to bring me along?”

“It makes perfect sense,” The other replied cutely, albeit while lifting a stern gaze to him. “You stay with us so nothing happens to you without us being there. Would you rather be by yourself when you get fucked or get fucked along with the rest of us?”

“Fine,” Arthur relented, hopping off the bridge to leave. “But if I die, I’ll kill you.”

“You’re not gonna die,” Zao sighed, spinning to him on his chair to watch him as he walked away. Then, he whispered this next part under his breath. “Like I’d ever let that happen.”

“Oh, and Allen?” The blonde stopped in his tracks, turning to the man.

“Yes, boss.” The other replied, not taking his eyes off a dashboard he was stuck marveling at. He’d always been a grease monkey, but that was only for cars. Spacecrafts, on the other hand, were way beyond his depth. For all he knew, he’d be entering the realm of science fiction with how complicated things got.

“When we get back, I’ll get you started on some of the basics,” Arthur smiled cooly, already knowing the reaction he’d get from his apprentice. It’d been a while since they sat down together and tinkered around in the garage, but if this wild goose chase panned out the way they wanted, this didn’t have to be the sensitive subject anymore. They could go back to their old lives.

“Oh, for real?” Allen shot up with an excited grin. “Hell yeah!”

Cyberpunk isn’t about saving the world.

It’s about saving yourself.

That was something Alfred always failed to understand. 

That this world was beyond the idea of a prophesied hero, beyond saving because it was just too far gone. Night City was bigger than him and everyone in it, even those who claimed to own it. Stay here long enough and it would all but swallow you whole. The dark future had no place for something like hope, and yet, he was obsessed with making out on an impossible dream. 

But as flawed and unattainable it was, it was still a beautiful fantasy. 

He made a last minute decision to unbuckle his seatbelt, pulling himself to his feet so he could walk out of the control room and into the hall. With the imminent launch of the ship, where he was headed was probably the last place he should be. The observatory, but he wanted to get a look while he could. Space, the apparent equivalent to skiing in this day and age.

And now that he could finally see it, he could only wish it was under different circumstances. 

Because somewhere out there in another universe, he didn’t have to be a hardened soldier, rising to meet the occasion. But this was probably the fate he had always been destined for.   

“I take it this is your first time too,” He began with his back turned to you, having sensed your presence ever since you trailed behind him. He was standing by a large spherical window, and there, he stared out into his friend’s private runway. It wasn’t much of a sight, but it wasn’t what he came for yet. “Space. We’re actually going to Space, (F/N). Isn’t that just amazing?”

“Yeah,” You smiled a little, though you couldn’t find yourself as enthusiastic as him. 

“And I used to be such a nut about it. There was just so much we didn’t know, but that was what made it so cool,” Alfred grinned at you, his eyes alight with a childlike wonder. You’ve never seen him so excited, and to think it could come from something as simple as just reminiscing the past, it had you wondering what kind of person he would’ve been if he was still back there. 

An explorer, an astronaut, or a pioneer. 

“How big it was, how small and insignificant we are compared to the universe.”

Back then, not everything had been done, so people still would’ve had the chance to keep trying new things. He would’ve had that chance to keep trying new things. After all, everyone was so curious back then, doing anything and everything in their power to just understand the world a little better. To make sense of the vast unknown that had somehow breathed life into this planet. 

No discovery was ever too small, because that one step still would’ve been a giant leap for humanity. That was the value and excitement of science, so where did it go now? 

“But it’s just so normal now. Everything has been reduced to our scale and nothing feels out of reach anymore,” The light in his eyes faded, and he lowered his head. “We’ve lost our humility.”

All of those thoughts ran through your mind while you listened to him speak, and seeing the face he made was that final swing to your resolve, shattering any and all previous reservations you’ve ever had of him. He wasn’t hot-tempered, sensitive, or selfish. Maybe a little, but he wasn’t as arrogant or conceited as you used to think. What made him the way he was the opposite of all those things, and with that newfound clarity, you came to realize what you came here to do. 

“Alfred,” You let out, wrapping yourself around his arm. Then, you pressed your forehead to it, screwing your eyes shut. “I’m not mad at you anymore, and I don’t think I ever can be.”

“Really?” He softened his gaze over you. 

“There’s a certain way the world works, or should work, so you’re right to be angry,” You admitted, peering up at him. “This is the truth of what you are, and I think it’s beautiful.”

“Space?” 

“No, your humility.”

He lifted his head and made a face of understanding as if to go, oh, right. But it quickly changed to a tender smile. “Even though I can be an arrogant prick sometimes?”

“Yes,” You smiled back. “Especially when you’re an arrogant prick sometimes.”

The two of you shared a soft laugh, after which, he turned back to the window again. 

Beautiful, you said. 

“You know, I think I might be the worst thing to ever happen to you,” Alfred murmured, his tone and expression unreadable as he stared out onto the runway. Be that as it may, you could still sense the shame behind his thoughtful composure. He meant it with every fiber of his being, and you would’ve refuted it with every fiber of yours if it weren’t for him turning back to you again. 

Then, with the most sincere gaze burning into you, he said this.

“But you are the best thing to ever happen to me.”

To say you were taken aback would’ve been an understatement. But was he really going to do this now? You felt like you were going to cry, and you couldn’t find it in yourself to stop it, let alone to tear yourself from him. The timing couldn’t be worse, and judging from how he looked at you, so unwaveringly passionate, he was about to tell you everything he’d ever wanted to. 

“I was just surviving this whole time, but you made me want to live again,” He continued, his eyes wide with love. “I wanna do right by you. I wanna keep learning and growing.” 

The first tears finally came, but all you could do was stare at him in an awe-induced silence. 

“And I know I used to make a big deal about mortality, but I think that’s what actually makes you a human being,” He smiled like he just discovered the secrets of the universe, his ocean eyes twinkling with the stars that would very soon grace the skies. “Not death, but wanting to live.”

The life that pulsed through him was transcendent, overpowering even this moment before death. This was the effect you had on him, a force of nature that made him stronger than oblivion. 

“You idiot.” You wiped your tears with the back of your hand. But they just kept coming, for you were that deeply moved by the profound beauty of his words. To hear how highly he thought of you, then how much you’d changed him, and in turn, how much he changed you, everything overwhelmed you until your face contorted and you practically plowed into his arms to hug him. “Don’t give yourself so much credit. We all know what was the worst thing to happen to me.”

“Oh, yeah?” He hummed, hugging you back. He was already so happy to hear that, breathing you in to ride off that high. Because from the sound of it, you already forgave him.

But you weren’t stopping until you turned his world upside down. 

“You might think you took everything from me, but that’s not true at all,” You squeezed him even tighter. Then, you spoke the words he never thought he’d hear. “You saved me.” 

“What?” His face fell a touch, not believing his ears.

“Allen too.” 

He couldn’t understand it one bit, but you would make him. 

“Ever since he joined the syndicate, what happened to him was going to happen eventually. Nothing in my life would’ve changed, and I would’ve kept being the person my father wanted me to be. But because you’re such an arrogant prick, and because you’re so stubborn--”

His eyes went as wide as he could get them, unsure of whether to feel insulted or praised.

“--you showed us the truth, and now, we’re freed by it. We don’t have to live that way anymore.”

Alfred saved you from your fate, even if it was the life you used to have. He showed you the world and set you free with the truth. He opened your eyes and led you into the light. 

For that, he saved you in every way a person could be saved. 

Kidnapping you was just an incredibly long-winded rescue mission. 

He never once saw it this way, nor himself this way, and to hear you say it, well, you were right about everything. But he couldn’t take it for granted. It would’ve taken so much for you to understand those things. To understand him. To forgive him. And yet, you were so damn good at all of those impossible things, the only real conclusion he could take away from it all was this. 

“Is that your way of saying you love me?” Alfred smiled warmly, getting your lips to tremble into a frown. “Because back in my day, we just kept it short and said the three words.” 

“Stop joking around and just say it then.” You let out, but by then, it was too late. 

The ship launched, drowning out his voice with the engine blast. 

“I love you.”

You never ended up hearing him say it, but you could read his lips. And it was enough to evoke a visceral reaction from you, getting your heart to ache with so much emotion, you could barely handle it. You’d known this for so long, and yet, it affected you so much, you were thrown into the past. And in there, all the memories you ever had of him played like a record.

You’re so hypnotizing Could you be the devil, could you be an angel

You saw him for the first time, and he was a living, breathing weapon. 

As he stood across you in the kitchen of your home, you took him in for everything that he was. Little did you know, he was about to steal you away like a thief in the night.

Your body, mind, and soul, it would all be his. 

Your touch magnetizing Feels like I am floating, leave my body glowing

You laid with him in a no-tell motel, letting him trace his fingers over your skin. He told you about his past, how he was from a world different to yours. And he was an enigma. 

Alfred was a product of your time, but where he truly belonged no longer existed.

They say be afraid You’re not like the others, futuristic lover

He was an old soul, trapped in a body of the future. A killing machine. And because of it, he was feared by everyone he knew. Captured by those who should’ve worshipped him.  

Different DNA, they don’t understand you

But they were wrong about everything. 

You’re from a whole other world A different dimension

He was the vengeance of those before him, an unsung hero who would bring back some sense into an insensitive world. He would touch everyone he ever met, changing them with the truth.

And he would start with you.

You open my eyes And I’m ready to go, lead me into the light

The force threw you both against the wall, but Alfred cushioned you moments before impact. Wrapping his strong arms around you, he held you tight as the ship was sent hurtling into space. 

Kiss me, k-k-kiss me Infect me with your love, and fill me with your poison

Then, he kissed you. 

Take me, t-t-take me Wanna be your victim, ready for abduction

He kissed and kissed you until it was enough to suffice the words he couldn’t hear. 

Boy, you’re an alien, your touch so foreign It’s supernatural, extraterrestrial

That you loved him, and would love him until the end of time. 

This is transcendental On another level Boy, you’re my lucky star

The two of you were never meant to cross paths, having come from two entirely different worlds. 

But now that it happened, there were no two truer equals than you and him. The past and future, male and female, flesh and metal, all of it converged into one singular point like the beginning of the universe and time itself. Alfred held your hand as he looked out the window. He’d finally reached space, what once was a forgotten dream now realized right before his very eyes.

Earth was below him as a glowing blue planet. He could see all the oceans, continents, and the clouds, then the endless sea of stars that existed outside of his comprehension. 

From this distance, the world was as beautiful as he remembered. 

Wanna walk on your wavelength And be there when you vibrate For you I’d risk it all

The front gate of your father’s ship slid open.

Thump-thump

And nothing would’ve prepared you all for the horror that was waiting behind. 

Thump-thump

Dozens of clones, all spitting-images of Alfred, leapt on the unsuspecting group. Their eyes were wide, blank, and crazed, with not a thought behind them but orders to cut down anyone on the other side. When that registered in all of your brains, first, the very idea of it, and second, the actual reality of it, your faces warped in terror in what felt like slow-motion. 

This was the madness your father had brought upon you all. 

Or was it his fault alone?

The room lit up in crazed gunfire. Allen blasted at the clones, firing uncontrollably at them with his eyes and mouth wide open. The fear that struck him was like lightning, coursing through him as so overwhelming it was as if the world had begun to end. He could hardly breathe, let alone think. All he knew was to shoot non-stop, because the second he stopped, he would be killed. 

The same could be said for everyone else, now fuelled by nothing but the drive to survive. 

Your katana never stopped moving as you fought off the horde, so frightened that you couldn’t even scream. You’d descended into such a state that fight or flight converged into one — you wanted to run, but the only way of getting out of here alive was through it. So you kept slashing and slashing, hoping there would somehow be an end to the neverending nightmare before you.

Meanwhile, Arthur was backed to a wall, frozen still as Zao defended him with everything he had. He swung at a clone, knocking the dagger out of their hands before stabbing them with it.

But Alfred? 

He gritted his teeth as he whipped out his mantis blades, letting them unfold like a giant switch knife before he ripped and tore through his clones like a demon. He decapitated them, disemboweled them, completely and utterly destroying them until they were nothing but an explosive mess of blood, flesh, and bone.

He was finally confronting the true nature of your father’s madness, meaning he could finally end it once and for all. But perhaps he shouldn’t have spoken so soon. 

When the last clone fell to your katana, something came from the inside of the ship.

A white mist, which blew past all of you like a gust. 

“Wha—?” Alfred could barely finish his word when it poured into his face. That was when he knew, and in a last ditch attempt to save his friends, he turned to them to yell this out. It was the last thing he could’ve expected, leaving him horribly unprepared for what was unfolding. “—it’s an agent!”

“Oh, come on. That’s just cheating!” Allen roared, terrified out of his mind. He staggered back a few steps, but that couldn’t stop the landslide of gas that came rolling into his face. 

The way it moved was like an avalanche, engulfing the group until everyone was shrouded in it. 

“Whatever you do, don’t breathe it in!” Alfred shouted.

“Easy for you to say!” Allen spat, covering the lower half of his face with his forearm. But even that wasn’t enough to stop the substance from getting into his airway. Whatever it was, it was working fast, draining his consciousness by the second. He could feel himself slipping away, and in those last moments, he saw Arthur drop onto his knees next to him. He hardly had the energy to call out to him, let alone the energy to reach out to you before you fell to the ground. He watched you with his teeth clenched as he fought with every fiber of his being to stay awake. 

“(F/N)…!” Allen hissed. “… Shit…”

“Hey, keep it together! Don’t you dare pass out on me!” Alfred roared, running to the sound of his voice. By that point, the mist had thickened so much, it was impossible to see through. He used his scanner to detect your thermal signatures, but he found nothing. It was just him in the room, and yet, he kept moving like it wasn’t true, refusing to believe that his friends were just plucked off right before his very eyes. Only that was exactly what just happened. 

Once he got to where he last saw Allen, he was gone.

Alfred was overcome with shock as he stumbled back a few steps. 

But that wasn’t all. The mist was starting to dissipate, and once it cleared, everyone was gone. And like everyone else in his shoes, this one thought hit him. Did he just send all his friends to their deaths? His expression was wrought with horror as that realization began to settle in. Then, he let himself get crushed by a guilt so heavy, he could hardly stand. Lowering himself onto his knees, he dug his hands through his hair as his mouth hung open in fright. But that was when he saw someone lying on the ground in the corner of his eye. His clone. Calfred. He turned his head to them, and it just so happened to be the only person he couldn’t give a damn about. Yet, here he was. 

Still here with his sorry ass. 

His head returned to its neutral position. Then, he mustered the darkest glare he could. There was no denying it now. This was all a deliberate ploy to get under his skin, perfectly designed to the last detail. 

It sounded like him. 

“You sick bastard.” He snarled. It maddened him with rage to think the old man was this close, having taken all his friends right under his nose. So he got up on one knee and whipped out his mantis blades on one arm, roaring this at the top of his lungs. “Come out here and fight me!”

|

When Allen came to, he was lying on his side on a tatami floor. 

The lighting was dim, a sensual mix of purple and pink hues. He sat up, and that was when he realized he was stripped down to his tank top. His bomber jacket and even his pants were gone. But he didn’t have a chance to make a fuss as he was hit with a searing headache. He pressed the ball of his hand to his forehead and winced through his teeth. What the actual hell was going on? 

There was gas, and now, he was in an entirely different room. 

The room in question was lavishly furnished with traditional paper lanterns, a wooden vanity, and even red paper umbrellas, opened and lying on their side to display their intricate patterns. There was even a crimson futon against the wall, and on each side was a shoji screen for privacy. If he didn’t know any better, this would’ve been a private room in the red light district. 

Why he was put here was beyond him, a place meant for pleasure. 

But it would all become painfully clear when he saw who he was with. 

Standing over him was the most alluring woman he’d ever seen. She was dressed in an elaborate red kimono, and her silky black hair was put up like a geisha, but with more gold ornaments than he could count. She was an oiran, a high-ranking courtesan from the Edo period. But her beauty didn’t come from the clothes she wore, nor the fine makeup that graced her cherubic features. 

Upon closer look at her face, it was yours. |

Zao opened his eyes, but he wasn’t lying on the floor. Instead, he was upright and tied to a chair. He struggled for a bit, pulling at the metal constraints around his wrists.

But even that couldn’t hold his attention for long. 

In front of him were a bunch of security screens, each filming a room that one of his friends was in. He turned to them, and he could hardly believe what he was seeing. Alfred just threw Calfred over his shoulder before charging into the ship. Allen was in a room with a woman that looked terrifyingly like you. Meanwhile, the real you was still unconscious on the floor of a child’s room. But Arthur? He was roaming the halls by himself, searching for all of you because he was defenseless on his own. Zao grimaced darkly, but it was hardly out of mirth. 

He knew what kind of man your father was, but this was a whole new level of insanity. He wasn’t going to do any of the dirty work himself. 

He would let all of you do that to yourselves. 

Your greatest demons, now his greatest weapons. 

And here he was, forced to watch as all of his friends were plucked off, one by one. He’d always been an observer, someone who had the bigger picture and worked tirelessly in the background. This was a testament to that, only this time, he had both arms tied behind his back, powerless to stop what was unfolding before his very eyes. But even as this dawned on him, only one thought raced through his mind — the regret of everything he’d ever done, reduced to this one moment.

He should’ve left Arthur behind.

|

“Oh, good. You’re awake,” Alfred gave his clone a brief side-eye before tossing him a gun. 

It landed in the man’s lap, much to his annoyance — could he be any more an asshole? He lifted his hardened gaze up to his companion, who was already facing away from him. 

“Now make yourself useful.”

“Why did I have to end up with you?” Calfred picked it up before pulling himself up to his feet. 

“Yeah, I’m not exactly thrilled about this either,” He broke into a brisk jog in the hall, making his footsteps as faint as possible. Hollow, metallic thunks sounded against the floor as they moved together in stealth, sticking to the walls wherever possible. That was when they came to an intersection, so he hid behind the corner. “You think everybody else got to pick?”

“Whatever,” The other hid behind him. “Where is everybody anyway?”

“That’s what I’m trying to find out,” Alfred whispered in a foreboding tone, keeping his eyes narrowed on the two clones that stood at the end of the hall. It was the first time that they ran into some company, and he was right to anticipate the worst. More copies of himself. But even if there were a hundred, thousand, or a million of them, he would kill them all until he was the only one left standing. “I’ll take the one on the left, you take the one on the right. On three.”

Calfred raised his gun, only for him to lower it with a push. “No guns. Too much noise.”

“Didn’t you just--”

“--three.” He sped off, derailing that train of thought. 

They ran into the light in perfect synchronization, moving side by side like a reflection of one another. Now that they were exposed, they were plunged into a zone, a deep state of focus like predators in chase of their prey with the aim to kill as fast as they could. And they couldn’t stop now that the timer started. 

Alfred came up to his clone from behind and twisted its head in one swift movement, killing it instantly. Calfred slit his clone across the throat, getting blood to spray profusely from its neck. They both fell to the ground, but the duo had already moved on by the time a thump was heard, running off together, one after the other. 

They cut their way through the ship, exterminating all life like angels of death. So many heads rolled and so many guts were spilled that by the end of it, the duo were covered in blood. Their faces were drenched in it so that when they opened their eyes in a cold glare, the electric blue in them would contrast beautifully against the red. But it was just another marker that distinguished them from their enemies. Hell, they even could’ve been unstoppable as allies in another life. 

Two trained killers who worked in perfect unison. 

But this was no time to get sentimental. 

They eventually found themselves at another closed gate, which Alfred took his time to crack into. And what waited behind was a surprise they’ve seen well and truly before. Because once it slid open, they came face to face with an entire room of clones. Dozens and dozens of them.

“Oh, fuck.” They let out simultaneously.

So much for making too much noise.

|

So this was what it came to, the master plan that was meant to put him in his grave. Maybe this could’ve worked in the past, but he was no fool. Not anymore. While these thoughts ran through his head, Allen got up without a word. The look behind his eyes turned dark and incoherent, but what he was about to do was exactly those things. Vile and utterly incomprehensible. 

He pulled his gun and trained it on your face. 

Nobody should ever be forced into a situation where they had to kill a loved one in cold blood, but here he was, about to blow your brains out. He gritted his teeth as he let out a shaky breath, feeling a gradual tremble build up in his hand that held the gun. He was really about to shoot you, wasn’t he? Only he wasn’t, so why was he even stuck thinking about it? 

You weren’t real, just a tool to get under his skin and ultimately kill him. 

So why didn’t he just pull the trigger?

“Just do it,” He strained through his teeth, feeling his heart start racing in his chest. His hand was full-on shaking by then, but he was on the verge of going through with it. “Just fucking do it.”

|

When you finally awakened, you were on the floor of your childhood bedroom. You rose to your feet to take it all in, and your face contorted when it dawned on you. This was where you grew up. An exact replica of it. The bed, the furniture, the framed pictures that decorated the shelves, even the smell of it was exactly the same. It was an other-worldly experience that awakened some of the deepest memories within you, even the ones you thought you’d forgotten. 

Your father reading stories to you, chasing your butt-naked self around the place with a towel, then picking you up in his strong arms. The way he bellowed out his laughter, but never being scared by the sound of it. That was your father, the person you once knew. Strong, noble, and just. Where did he go now? Tears streamed down your face as your heart grew heavy with loss. 

It was the sadness of a child who lost a parent, for whoever stood in their place was a stranger. 

Or was this the person he’d always been? 

So cruel that he would use your own innocence against you, turning your purest memories into a weapon? This was the last straw you didn’t know you even had, because even after everything he’d done, you were still shedding tears for him. Your forgiveness seemed to know no bounds, but so did his wickedness. But you were drawing the line now. He was nothing but a scourge on this planet, corrupting all good until there was nothing left except pain and suffering. 

You rose from the ground and unsheathed your katana. 

No child should ever have to resort to killing a parent, but he left you no choice. 

“Have you finally made up your mind?” Your father began as you stepped into the light. 

And to think he’d been here the whole time, waiting for you to meet him exactly where he stood.

Just what was he planning?

“I’ve made up my mind long before coming here,” You lowered your head.

“Then why the tears, my child?” He questioned. 

“I’m allowed to grieve the loss of a father,” You answered with your eyes closed, refusing to look at him as you said it. 

“So you do care for me, after all,” He was visibly affected by what you told him, an astonishing feat for someone like him. However, you were probably the only thing in the world he could ever feel love for, so it was all for naught. “This doesn’t have to end the way you think it does. Just admit the truth that is your family, and I will stop everything. All of this, if you will just say it.”

“I lost my father ages ago,” You refused. “You’re a demon.”

“If I’m a demon, what does that make you?” He responded calmly.

“I’m not you. I can live my own life and make it my own,” You shot back.

“That’s where you’re wrong,” Your father denied, much to your anger and disbelief. He’d always been a firm believer in tradition, in filial piety, but his entitlement over you knew no bounds. Little did you know, he meant it in the plainest and most literal way, which was far worse than anything you could’ve imagined. “Have you ever wondered why you’ve never had a mother?”

“What does that have to do with anything?” You frowned, though he was right to question you on that. You’ve never had a mother growing up, and you always wondered why. 

“You’re not really my daughter, you see. You weren’t born from two parents,” He explained. At first, you didn’t know what to make of that fact. How you were a miracle child, born from a single parent. Now that you thought about it, it wasn’t unheard of, so you couldn’t be surprised. But if that were the case, what did he mean when he said you weren’t really his daughter? 

“And?” You narrowed your eyes. “That doesn’t prove anything.”

“You misunderstand, (F/N). Every strand of DNA in your body is identical to mine, except for the chromosomes that determine your sex,” He continued, and that was when it slowly dawned on you. If what he was saying was true, that could only mean one thing. And yet, you couldn’t bear to accept the truth even as he laid it out before you. “You are a female clone of me.”

You were identical to him, down to the last strand of flesh that wrapped around your bones. You couldn’t even have the least of your own body to differentiate yourself from him, and that in itself was so depraved, so invasive, you could barely keep yourself standing.

“You’re lying,” You bit back a cry. “You’re lying. That’s not true!”

“But it is,” He glowered, and with the most bone-chilling voice, he said, “You are me.”

Meanwhile, Allen kept the barrel of his gun pointed at your face. He was paralyzed, where the only movement lay in the shaking of his hand. His eyes were a powerful weapon of deceit, and the longer he stayed in this tense stalemate, the more it chipped away at his will. That was when you smiled at him, and it basically destroyed him. His mind began to unravel, his stomach began to churn, and his mouth fell agape in an expression of so much agony, it looked like he was in pain. 

His body was refusing to listen to him because all it knew was that he was about to kill you. 

And to fight that part of himself, he ended up screaming as loud as he could to drown it out. 

Tears ran down your face as you glared at your father with all the fear and loathing in the world. He’d cursed you with life, something utterly unthinkable and unachievable until he came along. It was the same thing he did to Alfred, but that was when you realized two things could be true at once. Alfred flashed in your mind, and so did Allen. And oh, how they smiled, talked, laughed. They made the world something you could understand, and for that, the memory of them alone was enough to give you back your strength with frightening clarity. You loved them in a way that he could never love anything, and that fact alone set you miles apart.

Allen eventually pulled the trigger, sending off a bang.

“I am nothing like you!” You roared, lunging forward with a manic ferocity in your movements.

“And yet,” Something sinister glinted in his eyes as you both met in a fearsome clash. A sharp clang was heard as he pulled out his katana at the last second, stopping you from cutting through him. That left the edges of your blades scraping together as you two pitted your raw strength against each other, and there, you were locked in a foreboding stare-down. “Here we are.”

You broke out of the hold by hitting his katana away. 

Then, you came at him with a series of hard strikes and swings.

“Can’t you see?” He caught every single one, your blades clashing in a fierce battle of steel. 

His eyes widened with a burning certainty as he witnessed you in your prime. You fought like a demon, the very thing you accused him of being. You attacked him with so much speed and strength, even he struggled to keep up with you. “All your relentlessness, ferocity, and power—”

You were so caught up in the fight, you didn’t realize that your gi had slipped off, revealing what hid beneath. A yakuza dragon tattoo on your back that spread from your hips all the way to your neck. It was done with the finest sportsmanship, only to be given to the highest-ranking members of the syndicate. But even that didn’t mean it could be taken so freely. It was the one and only honor your father had rightfully bestowed upon you, and it had no importance until now. 

Alfred wasn’t his foil, nor his truest match. 

You were. 

And the harder you fought, the more his truth unraveled. This was everything he ever wanted, the unfolding of a self-fulfilling prophecy that was what you were destined to be.

“—all of it is because you are me.”

Allen laid your clone to rest on the bed, throwing a blanket over the body to cover it. 

He did it all with a pained frown, knowing he’d carry this action with him for the rest of his life. For even though this had been a mere shadow of you, he now knew what it was like to kill you, and how much it took for him to kill you. It wasn’t something he ever wanted to go through, but he did now. He turned around to leave, desperate to leave this behind him once and for all.

But he only made a few steps before he stopped. 

Then, his face contorted with a sob, and he wiped the tears that came. This was so fucked up, he could hardly bring himself to carry on. But he forced himself to keep pushing. 

The real you was still out there, and that was enough to keep him going. Little did he know, you were losing grip of yourself at that very moment, reaching a height of bloodlust that would make you no different to your greatest enemy. For as cruel as they’d been, nothing could change the fact that you were about to kill your own kin. And it was an act that had a weight on its own. 

With a loud, reverberating clang, you hit the katana out of your father’s hands. 

Would Allen be able to save you from your fate, even when it was reaching a point that was practically unsalvageable? The sharp edge of your sword was against his neck, and with one, quick, slice, you could end it all. But by doing so, you would also become the one thing he wanted to make of you. A manifestation of all his power and darkness.

“Kill me and the beast will take a new head.” Your father spoke lowly. “Yours.”

It didn’t seem possible at first. After all, how could he save you when he couldn’t even save his own? Allen kept jogging through the labyrinth of halls, chest tight and his breath shaking as he moved. You had to be out here somewhere. All his friends were. And if he was quick about it, he could save all of you. That was when he came to an intersection, spotting a body slumped against the wall. Short, choppy blonde hair, cargo pants, and the tacky shirt he borrowed from Zao? 

It was Arthur, no doubt. 

Only his neck was slashed, covering his torso with—Allen turned around upon seeing it.

But he never walked away. He just stood there, deathly still. Then, his heart began to pound, and harder than it ever did that day. This couldn’t be real. After everything that happened, he refused to believe that this would be the result. This couldn’t be real. His eyes slowly widened as he summoned the courage to look again, hoping that what he saw wasn’t true.

Yet, when he glanced over his shoulder, he was still sitting there, very much dead. 

When it finally hit him, he dropped to his knees and vomited on the ground. His eyes went straight to the back of his head as he puked the hardest in his life. And he didn’t stop until everything in his stomach was emptied. After everything that had happened, this was what it took to finally drive the nail in. He’d finally reached the threshold of his sanity and just broke. 

Everything he ever did was for nothing. 

All those years he spent grovelling was wasted for no reason.

Because in the end, after everything that Arthur did for him, he couldn’t even do the least of saving his life. He joined the syndicate to protect him, and he failed. He failed! When that dawned on him, a wide grimace broke out across his face, only to quickly tremble away. 

His face contorted as he began to cry. 

He couldn’t do anything right. This was the only thing that mattered, and yet, he still fucked it up beyond compare. So he kept crying with his forehead to the ground, sobbing wretchedly before him, apologizing again and again even when he couldn’t be heard. The light had long gone from Arthur’s eyes, so he’d never get to see the last gesture of gratitude his student paid for him. 

And they would be indebted to him forever.

“So what will it be?”

Allen got up after a while. He didn’t know how long it took for him to get to this point, to have the strength to stand on his feet, but he was here now. And he was plunged into a state of mind where he was almost manic. So much had been taken from him, he was hell bent on taking things back for a change. He had to make all of this right somehow, even if he’d just lost everything.

With a vacant expression, he picked up Arthur’s body and threw him over his shoulder. 

Then, he paced the halls like a zombie, looking for the man responsible.

His prayers were quickly answered as his clone appeared around the corner, wearing his clothes. And all it took was one glance to know. This was the bastard who killed Arthur. So what did he do? He drew his gun at lightning speed, firing an astonishing seven shots at their chest without blinking. They dropped to the ground after the merciless execution, but he just walked past the corpse without a second thought. He’d only just begun, and he wasn’t about to look back. 

Soon, he came up to the door that he knew for certain would be where it’d all end. 

So he put Arthur down outside, reaching up to his eyes to close them.

Then, he burst through it, guns blazing. 

Allen fired relentlessly at the bastard who took everything from him, screaming as he did, letting out everything he ever kept inside him. He’d joined the syndicate to save a friend, and since he couldn’t even do that, he would make amends by destroying the very essence of the Mizumoto patriarch. So he kept shooting and shooting until he ran out of bullets, bursting so many holes through the son of a bitch until he could read the Sunday newspaper through him.

However, by some miracle, he was still alive by the end of it — even if barely.  

But his vitality was what gave him the chance to do this. 

Your father wheezed out his final breaths in a shocked stupor, so Allen acted as fast as he could. 

He wrapped his hand around yours, lending you his strength, and pushed your katana into him.

By doing this, he would share the burden of your kill, stopping you from becoming everything your father wanted to be. And his past betrayal? It would finally be repaid tenfold in the exact same way that it happened to him. Blood was owed to him, and he finally fucking had it. 

“Die, you motherfucker.” Allen growled, shoving the blade all the way in until it came curving out of his back. And he never let go until he saw the light fade from the old man’s eyes, the one mistake that ended up being his survival. Soon, the kumicho breathed his last breath, and that was when he felt himself breathe for the first time. He was finally free. 

“It’s just you and me now.” Calfred panted as he sat against a wall with Alfred. 

After painting the room red in a mass execution of clones, he was so exhausted, he could barely think. But he was hopeful that this was one step closer to the end – he just never imagined what that would look like because his companion had a completely different idea of it than he did. Because when he pulled himself up to his feet, the sharp edge of a mantis blade was held to his neck. He turned to the person responsible, eyeing him with a growing wariness in his expression. 

“What’re you doing?” 

“What does it look like I’m doing?” Alfred replied, expression unreadable as he never retracted the blade from his neck. He even pressed it deeper into his skin, causing a thin red line to form. The stinging pain that erupted was a wake up call that he was dead serious about his intentions, and that was when things really started to kick off — and when his clone really started to panic. 

“You’re crazy,” Calfred spluttered, gripping the edge to push it away from himself. When that wasn’t enough, he brought up his katana and clashed it against his mantis blade in a sharp clang. That only left them in a tense stalemate, blades trembling together as they pitted their raw strength against each other. “You’re really gonna off me after everything that happened?”

Alfred narrowed his eyes, slowly overpowering him and hitting his sword away. 

“What the fuck have I ever done to you?” He jumped back to create some distance, but that was hardly enough to stop the relentless storm that was his so-called original. 

“I think you know,” The man glared. Whipping out his other blade to rear them like a praying mantis, he struck down on him from above. His clone barely caught it, leaving them in another close encounter with nothing but the sparking steel between their faces. “This was how it was always gonna end because there’s no way that the two of us are gonna be walking out of here.”  

“And why is that?” Calfred grimaced, his voice trembling as he spoke. He was just talking out of his ass at this point, but adrenaline was a bitch. “Scared that she’ll pick me over you?” 

“And why the hell would she do that?” Alfred shoved him back again.

“I think you know.” The other breathed weakly, repeating what he just said, word for word. And it pissed him off more than he could stomach. “But I’ll tell you anyway.” 

“Enlighten me then, you arrogant prick.” He snarled.

An alarm blared throughout the ship as all the lights turned red. 

Now that the pilot was dead, everything started shutting down. And it didn’t take long for Allen to realize what was going on — that this whole thing had been a kamikaze mission — but he wasn’t losing anybody else today. So he took your hand and got the hell out of there, running as fast as his legs could carry him to the escape pods. He got this far, he sure as fuck was going to live to tell the tale. And he would do anything to get a taste of the freedom he now had. 

Even if that meant ignoring your pleas to look for Alfred, who for some reason, refused to leave the now sinking ship. The gravity had given out by then, leaving him floating several feet off the ground, but even that couldn’t take his focus off the son of bitch in front of him. And with where the conversation was going, it looked like only one of them would be walking out of here alive. 

“You were created with the sole purpose to take life,” Calfred floated around him, inspecting him  like a specimen. And a specimen he was, a cyborg absent of imperfection. “Not create it.”

“And?” 

“Allen, me—we’re all different to you.” 

Created by man, not woman-born. An antithesis to all living beings and humans. 

“We could do fuck all, but we’re still capable of the most basic thing we were created for,”

For that, he was deprived of their most defining feature. 

“We can reproduce.”

“Shut up.” Alfred glared.

“You know you’re sterile.” Calfred looked directly at him as he said it.

“I said, shut up.” He clenched fists until they trembled, his eyes darkening with the most bitter resentment. The bastard was dangling his deepest insecurity before him as nothing but a talking point, and the worst part was, he was right about everything. The ability to have children, something everyone took for granted yet completely out of reach for him. Because no matter how far he strayed from his roots, he’d want that promise of creation. To make life.

“If she ever wanted kids, you wouldn’t be able to give her any. But I would,” The other merely watched as a single tear rolled down to his chin. “Without me, who’s gonna get her pregnant?”

Just when he thought he’d well and truly lost it, the son of a bitch added one last word.

“Allen?”

You were in the escape pod with Allen by then, and in the heat of the moment, he did something that broke all the rules. He put his mouth on yours, kissing you. He kissed you. His lips pressed against yours in an exchange that was far from innocent, and the crazy part was, you let him. Maybe you were just as mad as he was, but after cheating death, he was plunged into another state of mind where he wasn’t himself. Or was it more like a heightened sense of clarity?

Because if there was one thing he had to do before dying, this was it.

“Allen?”

Alfred’s eyes went wide as his jaw slowly opened, letting the name stir something inside him until he all but lost his mind. The next thing he knew, he’d launched himself at Calfred with a scream and started pounding his face like a maniac. “Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!” Pushed past the brink of sanity, the only remedy was to punch him again and again until he was barely recognizable. Then, by some miracle, he stopped, and by another, his clone survived the hellish beating, albeit with a loose eyeball out of his socket. 

“If you kill me,” He choked, gripping onto the other’s hand shakily. Blood was splattered all over his face, now heavily disfigured from being brutally smashed in. And his head, limp from brain damage and pain. He couldn’t muster the energy to even look at Alfred, but he scraped together what was left of his waning consciousness to spell out the unshakeable truth. “Your dreams won’t ever see the light of day.”

“Who says you need to be alive for this?” Alfred whipped out his mantis blades, their razor sharp edges gleaming in the starlight. The second Calfred heard their signature sound, he tried inching away from him, whimpering as he did. “If it’s sperm I need, I’ll just cut it out of you.”

|

Alfred never ended up going through with it. 

Because as furious as he’d been, he couldn’t bring himself to be so cruel. He didn’t even think he could kill him. What he could do, however, was choose not to save him. After all, he meant what he’d said when there would only be one of them walking out of here. It wasn’t right for there to be two of the same person, and knowing the kind of man he was, he would be saving himself a lot of grief in the future.

He didn’t like to share, not the life he lived, and definitely not the woman he loved.

So he left him as the ship went down.

And yet, as he walked away, he felt immense guilt for what he was doing. Maybe he was just being selfish. Maybe what he was doing was wrong. Leaving a man to die, and for what? 

But if anybody else were in his position, would they have done any different? If they were given the chance to be free of this dilemma, wouldn’t they have done the same? Alfred told himself these hypotheticals as a way of resolving this inner conflict. But the thing was, nobody would ever be in his position. Not entirely, anyway. And thank God for that. Because if anybody really did choose to do something different, that meant he was just another no good son of a bitch. 

He managed to get into an escape pod, and much to his relief, he could see two of them already on their way to Earth. But he’d be a fool to think none of this came with a price.

|

The end of the day was drawing near with the sunset casting a dark orange haze over Night City. Everyone who showed up that day had gone, leaving only you, Allen, and Alfred to keep Arthur company in his casket before he was finally lowered six feet under. But for some reason, Zao still hadn’t made an appearance. 

“Bastard didn’t even show up to his funeral,” Allen let out, wiping his eyes roughly. 

“Everybody has their own way of grieving, I guess.” Alfred murmured.

“By not showing up to the funeral? Give me a fucking break,” He snapped, taking his leave right then and there. “He’s just being a fucking coward, and I’m gonna give him a piece of my mind.”

You lingered your tearful gaze on him, watching him get into his car before speeding off in a cloud of smoke. In that moment, you knew you had to do something. Allen was spiraling, and sooner or later, he would fall over the edge. But what could you do when nothing could bring back Arthur? 

He pulled up to Zao’s estate, face warped with hurt as he stopped the engine. When it purred to a stop, he sat with his feelings as they came flooding back. Arthur was gone, and he couldn’t do anything about it. He slammed his hands furiously against the wheel as he wrestled with that reality, so frustrated that he cried all over again. He kept at it for at least five minutes until he calmed down, wiping his angry tears away with his sleeve. 

Then, he got himself together, or at least enough to do what he came here to do — he climbed out of his car looking like shit, and with a picture frame in hand, he stormed up to his friend’s front door. Because as furious as he’d been, he knew the poor bastard was probably taking it worse than him. 

And to his surprise, he actually answered the door. 

“Hey asshole,” Allen began, expression unreadable. “We missed you at the funeral.”

Zao didn’t respond, only gazing down at what he held in his hand.

“You gonna hide in there forever, or what?” He asked, noting his disheveled appearance. His hair was an absolute mess, long, knotted, and clearly hadn’t been washed in days. But that wasn’t what stood out to him most. It was his eyes, which couldn’t even look at him. They said everything they needed to say, so he couldn’t bring himself to keep hounding him anymore. Instead, he just handed him the picture. Arthur’s picture. “If you are, then put this at your shrine at least.”

That, Zao couldn’t refuse, so he took it before shutting the door in his face.

“I need to talk to you,” You told Alfred in the motel room. He was standing by the kitchenette, waiting for his instant noodles to cook. This had been the state of things ever since, spending day after day in a rental limbo. You all survived, but weren’t quite living. Something had to change, but what?

“Yeah, what’s up?” He walked over to you.

“I’m worried about Allen,” You admitted, letting it sit for a while before you said anything else. He seemed to understand, softening his gaze as he waited patiently for you to lay it on him. He’d expected this to come up eventually, and he just hoped that it wouldn’t be forever.  “I think I need to stay with him for a while.”

“Well, are you gonna come back?” He raised his tone.

“Of course,” You frowned, a little devastated that he even asked. “Why wouldn’t I?”

|

“Would it stupid for me to assume you’ll always be here for me like this?” Allen whispered, his eyes half-lidded as if he were deep in thought. After what was perhaps the worst week of his life, you came knocking at his door like a gift from God. And he pulled you in without so much as a word. He was barely keeping his head above water where the one thing that could keep him from drowning was you. But you were here now. It was the middle of the night, and you were on his chest, listening to him breathe as you two laid in bed in what used to be his old room at Arthur’s.

This was everything he could ever want, to have you in his arms.

But would it only be for the moment?

“No,” You whispered back. “I’ll always be here.”

“Even when you’ve got Alfred?” He said it so softly, you almost didn’t catch it.

“You think I’d want to lose you just because I have a boyfriend?” You gripped his tank.

“I don’t know. Doesn’t being in a relationship mean you gotta be more cautious when being alone with strange men?” He asked, the edges of his lips curling up in a smile. But as amusing as it was in the moment, he was really testing you on the true nature of your relationship with him. And he had all the right in the world because he couldn’t afford to live in ambiguity anymore.

Would you stay, or would you go?

“You’re not a strange man,” You murmured.

“I don’t know, I can be a little strange.” He narrowed his eyes into thin slits as he stretched like a cat. Then, he wrapped his strong arms around you to make his point, even breathing you in.

“So long as that strange doesn’t supersede hugging,” You remained comfortable on his chest, not at all phased by his behavior. And that remained true even after what he did — kiss you.

“I can’t kiss you?” He mumbled, almost as if he read your mind.

“Only if it’s not on the lips.” You responded, putting your foot down. 

“I guess I could deal with that.” Allen relented. He couldn’t say he was disappointed when this was how things always used to be, and he couldn’t be entitled to your love if you wouldn’t give it to him. Not that kind of love, anyway. And with how much you already gave him, he’d be a piece of shit to bother you for more. However, it wasn’t your intimacy he was really after.

You were all he had left, and he wouldn’t be able to survive your absence. 

And that reality hit him at full-throttle when you tried to leave in the morning.

He’d been making some banana pancakes in the kitchen, but the second he saw you at the front door, he dropped everything to get to you. His whisk fell onto the counter in a clatter as he ran to you in a flash. It was as if his body acted on reflex, and now that his thoughts caught up with his actions, he crumbled to pieces. 

“Please don’t go,” Allen hugged you from behind, pressing his forehead to the back of your neck as he spoke. “Just stay a few nights with me, please. I’ll be good after that, I promise.”

Alfred may have been waiting for you, but how could you leave him like this? 

The answer had been so clear to you then. You couldn’t.

“I’m thinking about getting an apartment somewhere in North Oak.” Allen mused as he scrolled on his laptop, browsing through some property listings. It had only been a few hours since what went down in the morning, but he managed to cheer himself up pretty quick now that you agreed to stay for the meantime. “Want in?”

“You mean you want me to live with you?” You lifted your gaze to him.

“Haven’t I made that obvious already?” He grinned sheepishly, not that confident you were going to agree. After all, you’ve always been touchy with the whole living situation. With Alfred to consider, you’d be going out on a limb to be with him. But it wouldn’t hurt to try, would it? “So, whaddya say? Me and you in Beaverville with the rest of the corpos?”

Little did he know, you’d moved long past the idea of leaving him alone.

“Sure,” You smiled gently, much to his glee. “But how are you gonna pay for it?”

“You’re gonna help me pay for it, dummy,” Allen grinned toothily. “Right?”

Alfred called you a few days later. 

You haven’t reached out to him for that long, which to him, was the same as eternity. And he was starting to get restless. He stood at the balcony of his motel as he waited anxiously for you to pick up.

“Hey,” You answered, smiling softly.

“Hey, what’s up? I missed you,” He immediately replied, eyes widening at the sound of your voice. “Where have you been?”

“I missed you too,” You uttered, heart heavy as you said it. This exchange may as well be the calm before the storm, as what you were about to tell him was sure to send everything overboard. “Allen just got a new apartment in North Oak. I’m helping him move in.”

“You’re not gonna live with him, are you?” He asked, face falling a touch. But when you didn’t answer immediately, he full-on winced. “Please don’t tell me you’re gonna live with him.”

“I am.” You sighed, closing your eyes.

“Then what about me?” He let out, heart in his throat. “You said you were gonna come back.”

“I know, and I’m sorry.” You apologized, and when he didn’t reply, you sighed. “Alfred.”

“Yeah?” 

“I love you, okay? Don’t ever forget that.”

“Oh, come on, babe. Don’t say things like that,” His voice cracked, feeling himself crumble right then and there. It wasn’t everyday you told him you loved him, and with both your track records, it only ever seemed to happen before everything fell apart. “You’re breaking my heart.”

“I mean it, Al.” You softened your gaze.

“Then show me,” He whispered pleadingly, and the desperation in his voice couldn’t be missed. He needed you, but you weren’t there for him. “Because I can’t feel it.”

You ended up meeting him later that night. And he wasn’t wrong to think you’ve been neglecting him, because seeing him again was like a dream. You caught up with him over some Family Mart favorites, talking and laughing just like old times. He took you through the city in a joyride, street racing with other drivers of Night City before leaving them in the dust.

He even did the stare and drive.

As he accelerated the car, he never took his eyes off you even as he reached a speed that got him close to God. He just kept going while smiling at you, the streets passing by outside in a fast blur. And you smiled back, trusting him with your life. It was the most fun you’ve ever had up until then, which should’ve been concerning when it involved the risk of getting killed.

However, he’d changed you that much, and you missed him even more. This was a side of him you’ve never known too, a carefree, excitable, and happier part of him which you loved. 

All of it was finally over, so he was floating. And with you by his side, he never felt so right. There was nothing that could stop him now, so he wanted to get so high that he would never come back down again. The sky was the limit, and he was slowly getting there.

He just needed you to be on the same page as him. 

The drive back to the motel was silent, but the atmosphere did all the talking. It was dark in the car, leaving you two sitting in a sultry ambience. What he did next only seemed to heighten that. Alfred made it a point to turn the radio off, glancing at you as he did. That left you in nothing but his company, where the only thing you could hear was the sound of him driving. He wanted the only thing you could think about to be him, and it was more sensual than you could’ve imagined. 

But that wasn’t all.

You shared a moment of eye contact with him, and that was when you knew. The way he looked at you was so raw, and with so much emotion that when you looked back at him, it was like staring into his heart. 

He wanted you, and he was going all the way with you tonight. 

If everything he just did wasn’t enough, he made it explicit by revving the engine in a loud vroom, accelerating until he was speeding to get back to the motel. While he raced through the city streets, your heart pounded the whole time. His urgency was on full display, and he did it so shamelessly, it easily made for the most erotic moment of your life. 

And he wouldn’t slow down until he had you. 

One hour later, you were laying with him in bed in the nude. And it was the single-most satisfying experience of his life. He’d seen every part of you, and you’ve seen every part of him. Not only did it feel amazing to make love to you, Alfred felt like you just accepted him in a way he always wanted to be accepted, and it left him in such a state that he was reeling.

“Fuck, that was so good,” He whispered, laying a hand over his eyes. “Why didn’t we do this earlier?”

“Several reasons,” You breathed, cheeks still flushed from all the intimacy as you laid on your side facing him. “The most important one being a lack of privacy.”

“Damn,” He muttered. Now that you mentioned it, you were right as rain. That left him thinking, what could he do to fix that once and for all? With a growing smile, he asked this while stifling a snort. “It wouldn’t be too late to talk you out of living with Allen now, would it?”

You took your pillow from under your head and bashed it on his face. 

“This isn’t the only reason I’d want you to live with me, jeez,” He laughed as he shielded himself from it. Once you stopped to lay back down again, he asked another question that should’ve had you hitting him all over again. “So have you ever done it with him?” 

“Done what?” You frowned. 

“You know,” He murmured sheepishly, almost embarrassed to finish what he started. “Sex.”

“Why would I have sex with Allen?” You let out, doing your damnedest to not imagine the thought. Aside from being in this ever-growing stable relationship with Alfred, it somehow felt sacrilegious to consider. Because as ambiguous as your bond with him was — a friend, a brother, and something more — he was also the only semblance of family you could ever have.

“I don’t know,” He pursed his lips. “You guys seem tight.”

“Not that kind of tight,” You rolled your head to him. “Not while you’re around, anyway.”

“So you’re saying you’d do him if we broke up?” Alfred grumbled.

“That’s not what I’m saying at all!” You gushed, gathering your composure before adding this on a more serious note. “But if you didn’t exist, or if something happened to you…” 

He fell silent as he listened to you, now realizing what you meant. Your love for him wasn’t fragile, where the only case of anything changing was if he keeled over in a doomsday event. And knowing how close you were to Allen, he was probably the only other guy who stood a chance of being the one. He also happened to be the only guy he trusted with you, so he couldn’t be mad. Not that he was particularly fond of the idea, so he made a note to not do that. Keel over. 

“At least you’re being honest with me.” He sighed, stopping you before you could finish. 

“But what made you ask this in the first place?” 

“I just felt like you were drifting from me, that’s all.” 

“I could never,” You let out, rolling on top of him so you could face him. Now that you were, you could finally see the look behind his eyes. Coy, expectant, and with this is the part where you tell me you love me, written all over it. And you would, just in your own way. Your cheeks flushed a rosy hue as you laid it on him with a tender smile, and you meant every word. “You’ll always be the only man for me.”

“I’m not satisfied with just words, you know?” Alfred whispered, and yet, he couldn’t shake off the electricity you just made him feel. They were the sweet nothings all men longed to hear, but to hear it through your voice, it drove him crazy. Sitting up with you on his lap, he kissed you so hard that he almost forgot the point he was trying to make. But he couldn’t drop the ball now — he came into this with a goal, and he would see it through to the end. So he pulled away to say this. “I need you to make me real promises and follow through with them.”

You ended up settling on staying with him for three days of the week, all while calling him every night. Although it wasn’t as much as you expected, he had a plan of what he’d do with his time. 

So what next?

You and Allen went on living the sheltered life you both deserved, making a home in a charming, upper-class neighborhood full of freshly-mowed lawns, white-picket fences, and cul-de-sacs. 

But Alfred?

He stood outside of his sports car in what used to be Beverly Hills, and at the highest point overlooking the city. There, he rested a blaster on his shoulder as he stared out into the distance. 

“So what now?” He asked, laying next to a doll. It wasn’t his thing to use services like this, but the women here knew exactly what he desired, and right now, it was to figure out where he would go from here on out. He would’ve asked you, but you would’ve just told him to move on and put it all behind him. And something inside him told him he never really could move on. 

“Now? You find out what it is you need to do,” Skye replied in a dreamy whisper. 

Alfred drove through Night City in the heat of the day, windows down as he relished in the dry desert wind that blew into his face. It’d been a while since he went to see his fixer to look for jobs, but he figured it wouldn’t be a bad place to start. He would eventually go on to do all sorts of crazy missions so long as they agreed with him — and brought home the bacon.

You’ve never backed down from anything in your life, even when you maybe should’ve.

He burst into a room, guns blazing as he blasted holes in all the goons scattered around the place. 

You go through Night City knowing a stray bullet could end you while hailing a cab—

He used his strong arms to burst open a shipping crate, revealing the people trapped inside. 

—but that’s never stopped you from taking action.

Alfred jumped down onto a glass roof, crashing through it with next to no grace before landing in a place surrounded by enemies. But he braved his actions fearlessly, whipping out his mantis blades with a grimace that screamed, bring it on. And when that wasn’t enough, he drew his guns to rain hellfire on the sons of bitches until they were all dead on the floor. 

Because even after everything that happened, the restlessness in his soul never went away. So if he couldn’t save the world, he sure as hell would leave a mark on it. He would go on for the rest of his days as a cyberpunk, trailblazing wherever he went, going down as one of Night City’s biggest legends. But for three days out of the week? He was a certified loverboy.

If you gotta kill, kill.

If you gotta burn it all to the ground, then let it burn.

[headingalaxys-spicy]

Spicy plz I’m so bored ;-;— could you grace me with some headcanons for yandere America with an s/o who seems oblivious to his tendencies but is actually just. Pretty okay with it? Like they feel like this is the best they’re gonna get so they may as well make the most of it? Despite my casual tone I’m very okay with you ripping my heart out with angst or despair in any way you see fit <3

Probably not my best work but still hope you like it!

Okay warning ya'll this post is SPICY also it goes over abusive relationships so if that's not for you I suggest that you turn away now.

Your problems all began when you were let into the real world after college. It would be easy, they said. You just needed your degree, they said. Then it would be ‘smooth sailing’. 

Sure. SURE. That was a load of total bullshit. You now had to battle tooth and nail just to have the basic necessities barely. Your future looked bleak. ‘The Dream’ that originally you wanted to achieve: Get married, have two kids, have a house you owned, and maybe a fancy car that yu could show off and keep up with the Joneses. Best them even. 

You simply wanted more time with your family and friends, so you avoided applying to ghost jobs and attending interviews that ultimately led nowhere. You did freelance work like writing gigs, catering, and the occasional art commission in order to keep your head above the water. 

Some days were easy, but most were difficult. Keeping the tiny flame ignited within you to keep you going was a 24 hr 7-day 7-day-a-week kind of job. With each passing day, finding the will to exist was getting harder. 

‘Why do anything if I’m constantly feeling empty?’ 

You felt as though you were on a pitch-black road where your flashlight could only reach 2 ft in front of you. 

That was until Alfred burst into your life in the early morning sun rays that broke through the deep blue-black of the nighttime sky. His outward warmth brought the birds to life and made the flowers blossom. He was the bright person you needed to be around you. Even if that meant you tolerated his sinister tendencies that you commonly wrote off as him being an excellent protective boyfriend in a somewhat twisted way. 

Alfred always knows where you are. He ensures the Find My iPhone tracker is activated and shares your location with him at all times. When you first saw it, and he didn’t even bother to ask or even tell you that he did so… You simply ignored it. He was your boyfriend, and that’s what good boyfriends do…..protect their highly vulnerable S/O and part of that is knowing where you are at all times. 

Things don’t escalate if you’re incredibly passive and are compliant with the rules that Alfred sets for you. You will have a lack of privacy. He gets far more possessive if individuals (s) in your midst are suspicious or seem to be far too friendly for his liking. You become afraid of him when he raises his voice while interrogating you about one of your friends or acquaintances. Alfred’s fist will have made another gaping hole in the wall, which sometimes makes you fear for your life or your family. You would nearly jump out of your skin every time you came home & you saw his infamous frown combined with sapphire blues holding back famished flames, needy for more people to devour if they dared to come in between the two of you. 

Anyone who dared to challenge him on any of his behavior would be silenced swiftly. Most of the time, his victims would never be seen again; other times, they’d end up with some horrific injury or illness that prevented his targets from having the willpower to fight back or squeal. 

You always wondered why it had become much more difficult for you to maintain genuine friendships. You glossed over the fact that Alfred demanded 110% of your attention. This makes it hard for you to have a life outside of him. He also has enforced a curfew on you. 

‘He does that so some creep doesn’t try to kidnap me.’ That would be one of the excuses that you tell yourself in order to excuse his behavior. Besides, how long has it been since you were able to get a date before him? Two or three years, probably more, since so much time has passed since you’ve had a serious long-term relationship. You couldn’t really remember at this point. 

Whenever he objects to you leaving the house, 98% of the time, you employ some tactics when dealing with him. Negotiation. You primarily used this tactic when the effects of becoming stir-crazy have become unbearable. You feared that you would be swallowed up by his home and never seen again. 

“Alfred….” your eyes will search the hardwood floor for the perfect combination of words that will assist in getting you to some level of freedom. 

“I really want some fresh air….and…it’s been forever since we’ve had a cute date on in the park….or going to my favorite restaurant that is on the promenade….” Your eyes cautiously climb up to meet his. You braced yourself for the possible avalanche that was going to careen towards you if you didn’t plant your ice ax in neutral snow. 

“Where I first began to fall in love with you truly!” You blurted out with partially feigned fervor. Enough energy was behind your words that you could see Alfred’s shoulder relax. His freshly trimmed eyebrows were raised in curiosity and disbelief. However, he wasn’t entirely convinced yet. You needed to stroke his ego a little more. He needed reassurance that you were utterly smitten with him. His continued silence was a sign for you to continue with your argument. 

“I know when the last sun rays of the day hit your magnificent sky blues, I know that we were meant to be together.” It will feel like an eternity has passed before Alfred finally responds. 

“Alright, babe.” 

You hear him rise from his spot on the couch & make his way towards you. 

“We can go tonight, but you’ve got to get dressed in something better than that~” Alfred will have pinned you to the front door as he whispers in your ear his other demands he has for you. Usually, it’s that of a sexual nature. Alfred does have you do things like: have you wear a skimpy outfit while you iron his clothes, and give him head while he reads comics or plays video games. You’re not allowed to deny him anything that he asks of you when you work out a ‘deal’ with him. If you do you’ll have to do double of whatever it is along with being chained to the bed for a few days. 

Essentially dear reader you have Stockholm Syndrome. Regardless of what torture he puts you through, you wouldn’t want your life any other way. After all, it was Alfred who brought forth the morning sun in your life which felt as though you were cursed to be within a state of eternal midnight. 

Who were you to complain when he saved you from being on the streets whose jagged teeth had the flesh of the unfortunate on them but always eager for more.

So what if you were a little traumatized?

So what if you sometimes you had scars whenever you did something to set the sleeping volcano off?

It was better than being awash amidst the sea of people who merely became a number to add to a statistical data set. 

Alfred does weaponize sex a lot within your relationship. Not only is it a bargaining tool whenever you are desperate to meet your social needs as a human, but you use it to stop his occasional rampages, get some level of privacy (for example, showering by yourself or being able to keep a dairy without him snooping in it) 

Since Alfred is an exhibitionist & will never turn down an opportunity to showcase his power over you, he will have you do extreme things with him. He’ll demand that you have sex in public with him, like in the park, at a movie theatre, at Disney World on a dark ride, or even on the top of the roof of a government building. If it’s risky as hell with an epic story to tell, then Alfred will want to rail you there. Bonus: he will want you to be butt-naked in the car as well. Alfred will want you to feel every ounce of embarrassment, shame, & every emotion in between that makes you feel vulnerable and powerless. However, this punishment will only occur if you’re stupid enough to try and plan an escape away from him or say something that majorly punctures his ego. 

No matter how much he made you cry, made you bleed after sex, siphoned you off from your support system, and kept you firmly under his thumb… your low self-esteem told you that this was what you deserved. This was normal. This was how all couples behaved.

[kodalily]

Made my own Trollsona! (Mentions of self harm and implications of child abuse)

Koda has had a hard life, but she made it through with the help of Floyd, her closest friend. She's often seen singing and sketching out multiple outfit designs that she fully intends to bring to life. She's born a Pop troll that was raised by R&B trolls who found her as a toddler wandering around by herself.

Some of the trolls she grew around either disliked her because she was clearly a Pop troll or liked her a little too much due to her bright personality and unique coloring. Those who disliked her bullied her for being different. The ones who liked her a little too much were much too old to be taking an interest in a child. Her foster parents turned a blind eye to it all.

When it got so bad that she started going gray, the abusive trolls threatened her to figure out a way to deal with her lifestyle that didn't involve "losing that gorgeous color of yours". So, Koda stumbled reluctantly into self-harm. Whenever she noticed her coloring dulling, she harmed herself as an outlet in an attempt to feel some sense of control over her life. It worked.

Koda endured her childhood until she found the strength and courage to get away from it. Not without any long-term emotional, physical, and psychological issues, of course. She never stayed anywhere long, distrusting of those around her and only seeing evil intentions in what were usually genuine words and actions.

While traveling, Koda eventually stumbled upon Floyd, who was doing his own traveling for his music career. Koda was perplexed by Floyd from the very beginning because he was the first troll she met that didn't send off immediate red flags. She realized early on it was because Floyd wasn't interested in females in THAT way. That realization and Floyd's genuine kindness and compassion quickly drew Koda to him and after a while they decided to travel together when they found they were going to the same place.

Floyd was intuitive and definitely not blind, so he picked up on Koda's blatant distrust of basically everyone they encountered pretty quickly. Considering it was making it difficult for them to figure out safe sleeping arrangements, Floyd eventually asked Koda about it.

Koda initially wasn't willing to open up to Floyd, regardless of how safe and happy he made her feel. It took several weeks, and Koda was actually waiting out his curiosity, but Floyd remained patient and interested in her story, so she eventually told him about her past.

Floyd didn't judge Koda, or blame her for what she went through. He didn't say anything, actually. He didn't have to, though. Koda could see the pain and anger he felt on her behalf in his eyes. He offered her a reassuring smile, promised he'd always be there for her, and Koda believed him. They'd been inseparable ever since. Through Floyd’s friendship Koda learned how to be happy, find peace with her past, and look towards her future...which for once, didn't look so bleak.

[its-in-the-woods]

The Woman Who Couldn’t Die Part 10

master list

Part 1 , Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9,

Pairing: The Ghoul/Cooper Howard x Original Character

Synopsis: An eerily familiar call rang into the woods. Her whole body stiffened at the call, the missing digit on her left hand screaming like they were fresh.

MINOR GET OUT. Rating/Warning: This is based on Fallout expect typical horror as well as: Blo0d, G0re, Death, Bodily injury, mentions of SH, death, drugs use, soft!cooper, angst, slow burn, hurt/comfort, Dead dove,

Note: that I will not be spoiling any of the reading. I will keep my tags relevant without spoiling what is happening in the story.

*here we are ten chapters in, think we've hit our halfway point.

*lots of angst, can't say there won't be more

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

By the time they found the small shack to hole up in the sun was nearly gone, the Ghoul kept himself busy making a fire. Trying his best not to think too hard about his breakdown with Jade, avoiding the emotional turmoil that had been ringing in his ears. No amount of chem was going to take the edge off of that. Jade hadn’t said much, just walking beside him, heading west. Her words banging around his head, ringing the bell over and over. 

It had been too many years since he had let someone in, too many years of walking this place alone. All for it to be turned upside down by this tiny killing machine, who liked to hold his hand, and lean into his side. Who refused to back down from just about anything put in front of her. He had half a mind to try and knock her out, and leave. The thought of leaving her here was worse. How do you leave someone? How had he ever left anyone? He was getting too old for this bullshit. At least the fire was going, maybe some warmth and light would make the future look less bleak.  

Turning to look at Jade he saw that she had dug out a sewing kit, a small knife, and metal tweezers on a somewhat clean piece of cloth. His brows furrowed at the sight, wondering what the heck she had planned for the evening. He’d never been much of a masochist, even in this world.

“What’s that for?” The Ghoul gestures at the layout of implements. Jade looking back at him confusion written in the lines of her face. 

“You got shot several times, I figured I could dig them out for you,” Jade said, moving over so he could sit beside her. “It’s got to hurt.”

He stood for a moment longer, before looking down at his chest, there were, in fact, a dozen new holes. He had felt it when the bullets had impacted him, but after that, it was just numbed by the chems like everything else. 

“Ahh-” He sighs, sitting beside her, the fire providing enough light for her to see what needed doing. “Usually the bullets come out on their own. Or I dig them out when they get itchy.” 

Jade’s mouth fell open, eyes narrowing at him.“They just come out on their own?” 

The Ghoul shrugs, pushing his jacket off, dropping the bandoleer on the ground beside him. Noticing how her eyes followed the movement of each piece, trying not to think too much about how it made his teeth clench. “Yah, the Ghoulification process speeds up regeneration. So the shrapnel comes out eventually.”

Her brows scrunch, her eyes going to his vest that was dotted with holes. “Would it heal faster if they were taken out?”

She wasn’t going to let it go, Cooper sighing as he nods, if the shrapnel was out they'd be healed by morning. He still didn't move to remove any clothes, he doesn’t have to. Jade is moving watching him with those brown eyes. Her hands work surprisingly well considering she is missing two on one side. He’d needed to return the favor and check the stitches on her hand. Stim-pak worked incredibly well, but she had still lost two fingers. His stitch job was good, and they should heal fine, but it didn't hurt to check.

“There is nothing pretty under there,” The Ghoul swallows, his heart pounding in his chest as she pushes the vest open, moving to work on the button on the worn blue shirt underneath.

“I would be sorely disappointed if there was,” Jade jested, the firelight making the yellow in her eyes sparkle. The Ghoul’s skin itches to get up and walk away from this situation, to ignore the way his stomach got hot as she moved the clothes off of him.  

The Ghoul stops her on the third button, “I mean it Jade, I’ve been walking around this world for a long time.”

Jade carefully grabs his hand, moving it away from the other buttons, and placing them on the dirt beside him. Continuing to undo the rest, she doesn’t flinch when she peels it open. He’d expected some kind of reaction, something that would make it easier for him to push her away. Instead, she looked more curious than not, his skin underneath isn’t as red, more a marbled mix of tans, pink, and deep red streaks. A patchwork of scars covers his chest, dotted with many new holes. Her fingers run over each, eyes never straying from the work ahead of her. 

His mind wandered to that night she had crawled onto his lap to dig radroach guts out of his nose hole. How she had pressed her body against his, the way she had looked down at him before kissing him. How he’d taken off like a bat out of hell, leaving her there in the dirt. Yet she was still there, reaching for tweezers to work out the shrapnel. 

Cooper dug into his bag and pulled out a small flask of moonshine he kept for occasions like this. Taking a swig he offered some to Jade. She took a small sip, looking directly at him without flinching, before going to work. 

It hurt like a son of s bitch, Jade was careful doing minimal cuts, mostly using the tweezers to grab metal and fabric out of the holes. The Ghoul had less nerves, skin hard and calloused, but the cutting still hurt. Her hands worked steadily as if this was a nightly ritual. He wondered how many times she’d sewn herself up over the year. The Waste is awful, but most still squirm at the sight of bleeding wounds, not Jade. Jade never seemed bothered by anything, wise and hardened well beyond her years. 

Each wound would bleed, Jade instructing him to hold a clean piece of cloth against the hole, before going to the next one. The Ghoul does as she asks, even if it wasn’t necessary. She was bound and determined to care for him, and at the end of the day, he really didn’t mind. He couldn't remember the last time someone took the time to make sure he was okay. As she pulled out the final piece, Jade reached for the sewing kit. 

“No need for stitches, it’ll be closed by mornin’.” The Ghoul states, tossing the cloth onto the fire, before starting to button up his shirt. 

Jade stops him, her hand firmly on his chest. Eyes glancing up at him, he can’t help how he licks his lip, she is pushing him back down. He ain't stopping her, watching as Jade crawls onto his lap, looking down at him. Feeling the weight of her thighs on either side of his hips, the flush of her face made his whole body heat up. Could feel the heat radiate from the center of his body, making him yearn to feel just how hot she was. His hands go to rest on her covered thighs, as her fingers push the material further off his chest. Trying not to move, to not take her the way he wanted to.

The tiny shack they were in wasn't being heated by the fire anymore. Jade leaned down to kiss him again, her lips pressed against him as her fingers moved over the wreckage of his body. Cooper opened his mouth just enough to suck her lip into his, Jade keening, her hips rolling as he licked at it. He tried not to react, letting her set the pace for whatever the hell they were doing. Could feel the way he was reacting, her hips grinding down as she felt him underneath her. Her tongue teases inside his mouth, it felt so good, too good.

The Ghoul pulls away, chest heaving from the sweet taste of her on his tongue. “Jade,” He tries to warn her, but she is more than a little persistent. “Stop.”

He can’t do this, it’s too much, despite the fire brewing in his stomach, he couldn’t let her continue. Being what he was, who he was, they were already in a dangerous spot. There wasn't even a proper bed for either of them. He’d drawn a line, kissing, cuddling, holding hands. Sure. But being intimate, he wasn’t going to cross that. Not here, not in this shitty little shack. Jade might have been made in this land, but she deserved something a little nicer than this. 

“I told you,” Jade said quietly, “I am not a child, you don’t get to make choices for me.” 

Cooper looks away, his hands still lying on her thighs, her hands still warm on his chest. His words were lost somewhere under her fingertips. 

Jade nods, lips tight as she looks away, moving off him. To lean her back against the wall. She looks defeated, bags under her eyes prominent in this lighting. She looked both older and younger at the same time. The Ghoul immediately regretted pushing her away, but at the same time, he didn’t. Whatever was going on between them, now was not the time to move that forward.

“It's okay.” She says quietly, fingers rubbing over the bandage of her hand. “Probably safer not to.”  

He sits up, feeling strangely empty without her at his side. He wants to button up his shirt but doesn’t. Jade had pulled out a sweater making a makeshift pillow from it, before rolling away from him. Her back turned to him feeling like a slap to the face. A slap would have been better than this. Cooper wants to touch her desperately, to pull her back against him, to say he was sorry. That he just needed more time or something. 

Instead, he kicks the fire out. His hand moves to grab his inhaler, they falter and he drops them. Rather he reaches for his jacket instead and covers Jade. She thankfully grabs it and pulls it around her, as he sits beside Jade staring into the black void of the space. 

***

Jade wakes to the early morning light, her sleep having been restless without the comforting heat of the Ghoul. She rolls onto her back, staring at the hole-filled ceiling, at least it hadn't rained on them.  She pushes herself up, doing her usual stretches checking that all her bones and joints are still moved. It's just light enough for her to see what she was doing, the sun’s red rays cutting through the green leaves outside the building. 

Satisfied, she lets herself look around the space more. It was empty of any sign of the Ghoul, beside his jacket that had covered her. Letting out a huff she shoves her sweater into her overflowing pack. Before taking a swig of water as breakfast, pushing herself onto her feet. Jade draping the jacket over her arm to give back to the scar-covered asshole that was her companion. 

Slowly moving herself outside, joints still aching from the ordeal and endless walking. Jade figured that the Ghoul was probably outside sucking chem or checking the path for any activity. Rounding the corner of the shack she checks the narrow pathway, the outside is just as empty as the inside was, Jade looks around the whole building twice just to be sure. He isn't there. Looking left and right trying to see if he is off in the distance somewhere. Nothing. Her heart twists as if she has been stabbed. Mind reeling at the realization that she was alone, the Ghoul was gone. 

Jade is paralyzed with fear, heart trying to bang its way out of her chest. She’s paced up and down the walkway a dozen times now. Nothing. No signs of him, the ground too hard to leave tracks. The birds were too loud to hear footsteps. It all felt so wrong. The morning light is now bright enough to see everything around her.

“Okay Jade, got to pull yourself together,” She says to no one, “How far could he have gone?”

Pacing twice more Jade is torn as to which direction she should be heading. Go back to the crossroads and go south? Would he have gone back that way? She had no idea how far she was from anywhere. This was the furthest she'd ever traveled, it wasn't like she could pull a map out of thin air. The Ghoul had always known these things, he had probably walked these paths hundreds of times considering how old he was. 

A panicked voice in the back of her head screamed that she was being dumped on the side of the road. Jade forced herself to stop moving and really think. Had she been duped? Even after traveling together for two weeks, would he dump her on the side of the road?

“So do I go that way? Do I hole up here? Go back?” None of the ideas appealed to her, none of them made a lot of sense either. 

Why would he leave her here after everything they'd been through? He had ample opportunity to ditch her. The Ghoul could have left her for dead a dozen times, there was no good reason for him to disappear. 

Jade’s mind wandered to the bounty, she'd seen how upset he was last night. The way he'd pinned her and kissed her like he'd never get to again. Tears pricked at her eyes, she wiped at them angrily. Hoping that he hadn't left her out of some form of chivalry, trying to put her out of danger. Which sounded just like something that stupid asshole would do.

An eerily familiar call rang into the woods. Her whole body stiffened at the call, the missing digit on her left hand screaming like they were fresh. The woods silence had her hair standing on end, as gooseflesh rippled over. The creature. Another call, the ringing echoing in her ears. It was coming from southeast of where she stood. Looking ahead of her, Jade realized with a twisting stomach that she needed to head west. She could not risk running into it again, Jade needs to leave. Now. 

Jade stood unsure of what to do or where to go. Her whole body screaming at her to stay. Even though she knew she didn't have a choice. So she heads in the opposite direction of the sun and the scream. West. Their body protested as Jade started to move as fast as she could away from whatever it was. 

***

The Ghoul stood in the doorway staring at the empty space confused. Jade was gone, he’d searched the area, and called out her name several times. There were no signs of struggle, but that didn’t mean shit. She’d taken her stuff and took off, or worse someone had taken her. He kicked some rocks at the thought, feeling stupid that he’d left her here alone.

“Fuck.” The Ghoul breathes out, “No, she’d have fought back. Woulda put up a struggle.”

Rubbing his gloved hands over his face he sighs, realizing that she probably left when she woke up and heard that damn thing shrilling out its call. Or maybe she was just fed up with being turned down by him and took off. He grits his teeth, despite everything he knows, somewhere in the hollowness that is his body, Jade won’t have just left. Staying wouldn’t have been wise either, moving was the best choice. Jade was smart, he just now needed to catch up to her. 

***

The Ghoul had left hours before the sun had come up, after Jade had sat on top of his lap he hadn’t been able to sleep. He also refused to wake her just because he couldn’t shut his eyes for more than five minutes. So he had left, deciding to go back to the crossroad to see if his instincts were tingling in that direction; it had bothered him that Jade hadn’t sensed it when he did. She wasn’t a Ghoul, but she often felt the same things he did. Maybe it was medication, even if it had been a few days since she’d had any. 

As he stood there looking south, the sun starting to light up the endless sea of green, the Ghoul wasn’t feeling much of anything. He was about to turn and go back to tell Jade that he was wrong. When everything went silent. The long eerie call of the creature shook the earth underneath his feet, the distinct sound of trees parting ringing out along the sun's rays. He stayed long enough to try and see if it was close, when he saw nothing he’d turn and go back. Determined to keep putting a large space of distance between him and whatever that thing was. The Ghoul desperately needed to get him and Jade out of this forsaken place. 

***

Jade had started to cry, she wasn’t sure exactly when, but at some point walking along this dust-barren dirt road a damn had broken, She rubs at her eyes feeling ridiculous for the tears that fall. It wasn’t just because she’d left without the Ghoul, it was tears for everything that had happened over the last two years. She missed her Mom, her Dad, her Brahmin, she even missed the old drafty house. Swallowing she did her best not to make too much noise, the last thing she needed was to draw attention to herself. So they rolled down her face, into the dirt and grim from travel making her eyes sting. 

She felt stupid, but Jade couldn’t stay and she couldn’t go towards it either. Instead, she just had to walk away. Maybe she’d stumble across a town, do bar work, or maybe grow things. She rolls her eyes at the thoughts like she’d last a season growing anything. What Jade wanted was the Ghoul, to have him show up, and catch up. To keep being her companion, and teaching her how to bounty hunt.

Pushing her finger against the side of her nose she shot snot onto the ground, it was a gross habit but at least she could breathe now. She wiped at her eyes, pushing down the rest of the sorrow, nothing good would come from the tears. Adjusting her bag she kept moving, even if her footsteps frustrated her. They were loud and uncomfortable. Her mind wandered to the first few days with the Ghoul, and how grumpy he was about everything. How she was sure he’d have left her once they hit the town. Her heart ached at the thought, that crooked grin, the way his eyes shone first thing in the morning. Or during the night as the fire cracked, leaning against his warmth.

She clenched her fist against the straps of her bag. Cursing her own sappy nature feeling like she had made another bad choice in a string of bad choices. Jade’s head is too muddled to make sense of any of it. She kicks at some rocks watching them fly down the road. Listening to it clatter, the noise bouncing off the trees. Almost stopping when she thought she heard her name. Jade kicks another stone down the road, maybe a creature would jump out and eat’er least she won’t be alone anymore.

Jade

This time she did stop, feeling her pulse speed up. It couldn’t be, right? Turning she initially saw nothing, then far off through the filtered light of the trees she saw the unmistakable outline of the Ghoul. The unmistakable outline of that stupid hat and long jacket.

“Jade,” He hollered at her, Jade freezing in place as she heard her name for the third time.  Wondering if maybe this was all a messed-up dream.

He was moving quickly, stride nearly kicking up dirt as he moved towards her. Jade finally found her feet and started to move back towards him. Briefly, wondering if she should draw her weapon and shoot his ass. Not that it would do much, she’d witnessed his regeneration abilities firsthand. The shot would probably piss him off more than anything. Maybe she wanted to piss off, wanted him to snap a little, instead of being this unemotional mass of stone

He was in front of her before she had a chance to pull out a weapon. He stops a few feet away from her, chest heaving under the many layers of clothing. She could make out his eyes, the stupid hat in the way of his face as always. 

“Jade,” He said again, voice fused with warmth around her name as he moved forward, Jade’s body shaking as his arms caught her. Dragging her against his chest. “Fuck, why'd you run off on me.”

Jade pushed back tears burning her eyes, “Me? You’re the one that was gone this morning.”

The Ghoul’s eyes narrowed, “I went t'check on the southern path. To see if we could go thatta'way.”

“So you just left me in the shack? That thing started howling again.” Jade cusses out getting right up into his face. She was pissed, this whole ring around the rosy bullshit was getting old. 

“T'was in the middle of the night,” The Ghoul huffs back, not backing away from her advances. “You can’t see in the dark.”

“So you tell me you’re leaving!” Jade hollered back, not caring what came out of the woods, "You don’t just walk away, what was I s’pposed to do wait to get eaten?”

The Ghoul threw his hands up, “I don't know, maybe the dude who dragged you across a goddamn hallucination-inducing forest would come back for you?”

Jade folds her arms over her chest, still glaring back at him, “This isn’t the first time you ditched me.”

Letting out a breathe, looking away from her, the Ghoul's face tightened with anger at her dismissive, but true, words, "Fuckin christ Jade,” 

“I don’t know who the fuck Christ is, but I am not fuckin'im,” Jade was nearly vibrating with anger at this point. He could make up all the excuses he wanted to, but he had still left there alone.

The Ghoul’s head tipped back, a real laugh rolling out of his chest at her comment. Jade was taken aback by the laughter, her anger breaking at the genuine noise. 

“What the fuck you think is funny,” Jade tries to glare at him, but fails, a smile touching the corners of her lips. 

“That’d think Christ would fuck you, I hope some preacher is rollin; in his grave,” The Ghouls smiles, his shoulders relaxing, before he places a finger under her chin and looks right at her. “I am sorry.”

Jade is surprised by the words, looking at him, and feeling like he is being truthful to her. He was sorry, the pain flickering at the corner of his eyes as he watches her. She leans against the leather gloves, soft against her face, the feel softening her even further. 

“You’re right,” He whispers, “Should have woke you, told you I was going.”

“Promise me you will tell me next time,” Jade says equally as quiet, her hand touching against the wrist of his hand that was cupping her face.

He nods, “I promise. Also. Don’t leave me. Kay?”

Jade nods, before wrapping herself around him, not caring anymore that she was now sobbing into his chest. The last two weeks had tested every bit of her, and right now she needs to let it out. The Ghoul hesitated, for a moment, before holding her against him. His hand rubs at the back of her head. She is not sure how long they stay there, but the Ghoul’s shirt is soaking wet, and her face is covered in fluids.

The Ghoul pulls out a mostly clean rag and carefully cleans her face. His brows furrowed as he does so. She sniffles a little, feeling better now that it's out of her system. He tucks the rag away, Jade tries not to think about when the last time it was cleaned. 

He leans down cupping her face with his hands, before leaning down to kiss her, Jade is taken back but doesn’t pull away. If this was the way he said sorry she wasn’t going to complain. He broke away, leaning his forward against hers. 

“Thought I’d lost you,” He whispers against her, eyes closing before he moves away. 

Jade hates him a little for moving, but she lets it go, following behind him, never more happy to see that stupid coat billowing behind him. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Chapter Eleven

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[reliquiaenfr]

What is Aphid and Shiana's relationship like?

so shiana and aphid are based on ocs of mine! i looooove talking about my ocs ahaha

shiana is an oracle (in their original story, she's the second in charge of a church of oracles, but in fr she's just an oracle), she's a bit cheeky and doesn't take things as seriously as she ought to - though at least SOME of that is an act, she actually had a pretty traumatic event happen to her when she was younger so underneath the snark, she's very grounded. (the story is that since she can "pull" on the threads of fate to change the future, she thought she could help people and when she was younger she tried to expose someone for their misdeeds by meddling with their future, but it got her mentor killed instead, and since then she's been very VERY careful about what she does with her power). since shiana still wants to help folks, she has to find other ways to do it.

aphid (her real name is tao li, but she goes by aphid, mostly, and also other psuedonyms) is a spy academic. she's from a monastery village, worked in a library, and loves learning things. the only thing she loves more than reading things in a book is learning them in person. she's a bit of a stickler for rules and can come across as having a stick up her butt because she's a bit inflexible and snobbish lol.

all of which is to say that they have the sort of relationship that others look at and go 'but... why tho?' because shiana comes across as way too chill for aphid, and aphid is the kind of person who would unironically wear a no fun allowed shirt. but aphid is the only person shiana ever told the story about her dead mentor and aphid like... gets it. a lot of their initial friendship was built on the possibilities that teaming up would afford them: shiana can see when something unsavoury is going to happen, and aphid has the soft-spoken tenacity to do something about it.

as part of a governing group, shiana had access to a lot of resources, and aphid has the unassuming demeanour to use them without making others suspicious. so they started trying to help people and change the bleak futures that shiana saw without directly rewriting the future. now, they're both different kinds of hopelessly gay, and in exact opposite directions: shiana didn't want to mess things up with aphid bc aphid was like... her best friend, you know? someone who understood her fears and her powers. aphid didn't want to ruin what they had going either, but UNLIKE shiana, she's scarily observant and figured shiana out in ten minutes lmao.

these days, they're the annoying sort of in-synch couple that can have entire conversations in a single glance. aphid is very uncomfortable with public affection, so she often seems quite cold to shiana when others are around, but she absolutely adores that silly woman and she does a lot of things shiana will like (gifts, special date things, massaging shiana's scalp, etc). and although shiana likes to tease her (even in public), she always respects aphid's no pda preferences. it's extremely common for someone meeting them for the first time to have no idea at all that they're together, but once you know it's obvious.

their communication is fucking top notch also. it has to be because aphid can't see into shiana's head to visualise the futures she's seeing and how best to change them, so even before they got together, they were super good at talking things out. aphid's comfort boundaries are so excuriatingly well defined that it's like... shiana knows when it's okay to touch aphid's hand or back or something more intimate and when it's not. and althought shiana wasn't the most comfortable expressing her own boundaries to begin with, aphid is just very blunt about it all, she's like "well see, shiana, i happen to love you and i don't want you to do something that will fuck that up so here is my rulebook" and after that shiana was pretty cool with talking her feelings and desires out.