#words change don't use that as a way to spread your biphobia I'm not here for it

[gottagobackintime]

As it’s pride month I thought I’d talk about my sexuality. Again. I’ve done it a few times over the years and in tags and so on but it’s also a way for me to reflect on my progression when it comes to it. 

So, it all started when I was 16 (2009) and I started having feelings for my friend who is also a girl. These feelings probably started when I was around 14 but I didn’t recognise them as feelings, it was more a ‘oh I really like her as a friend but I wanted to be close to her in a not friend way’. Not that I understood that then. So flash forward to age 16, I can’t exactly remember the thing that made me actually “research” different types of sexuality, but I started googling things like “How do I know if I’m bisexual?” and I stumbled upon a quiz that would determine if you were gay, straight or bi. So I took it and *drum roll* it said I’m bisexual. It really helped me, having to answer questions like “do you fantasise about people of the same sex”. I wanted an answer, “am I bisexual?” and for it to be as accurate as possible I had to actually think about it. I still took some time to think about it more. To be really sure. But something had changed. I understood that I had feelings for my friend and that it was a valid thing despite the fact that I’m also interested in guys and had had a boyfriend from the age of 6 to the age of 13 (he was my first kiss.) I added that I like men and women on facebook, as a really subtle “coming out” you wouldn’t really see it if you weren’t looking for it. I said that I’m bisexual in my twitter profile. I then started vague tweeting about having feelings for a girl, god help me it’s... It’s a lot. Let me show you:

Anyway... Moving on. It was never an issue with my sexuality when it came to my friends that I’d had since I was 13, we never really discussed it tbh, and I don’t think I ever actually came out. Some of them might not even know to this day now that I think about it. The one friend I actually came out to in 2012, I came out to by accident because I told her about a funny thing that happened in class when I had used my sexuality as an example to my teacher’s question. I didn’t realise that she didn’t know, because by then I’d had headers on facebook that said “I’m bi deal with it” and things like that. Because I’m an idiot and think that that’s enough, not thinking about the fact that she might not have looked at my profile in years. She was upset that I hadn’t told her, I was scared that I’d lose her as a friend because of my sexuality. But we talked about it and she did/doesn’t care about it, she was just upset that I hadn’t told her before, especially since I’d know I’m bi for several years at that point. And I don’t blame her for feeling like that at all. In the autumn that same year I started uni and I ended up in a little friend group and during the first week, I and another person in our group sat talking about Merlin, because we were both Merlin fans/merthur shippers. And we suddenly heard something about gay/lesbian and we asked what they were talking about. Another person of the group says she likes girls and both me and the girl I’d been talking to says “same”. And I said something along the lines of “and guys” and I then followed up with saying I’m bi. After this I had to come out again to the girl that started the conversation about liking girls. I had to come out again to other people who where there too. Which kind of hurt, I hadn’t expected to have to come out twice to the same people. Especially someone who is also part of the lgbtq+ community. 

The years went on and I’d see more and more things on the internet about bi-phobia and bi stereotypes and I felt that maybe I had to tone down the “I’M BI, GET USED TO IT” stuff that I’d sometimes posted. Because after all, “bi people only do it for attention”. This was just the start of my internalised biphobia. I started to question if I’m actually bi, maybe I was just doing it to be cool, to get attention, despite the fact that the thought of coming out face to face makes my heart race (still does) and so I always wait until I really have to come out. It didn’t/doesn’t help that I tend to crush more on guys than any other gender, so why do I have to be *special* if I’m that into guys. Then I started to think about the fact that I never ever ever ever ever want to go down on someone with a vagina. The thought makes me go 😬, so surely I can’t be into girls/people with vaginas. I completely ignored the fact that I never ever ever ever ever want to put a penis in my mouth either, because the thought makes me go even more 😬 and even a bit 🤢. Now I can see that, me not wanting to have oral sex doesn’t make me any less bisexual. It just means that I don’t want to have oral sex. I still want to have sex, just not like that. But when I was feeling shitty about my sexuality this didn’t even cross my mind. It was just a reflection on me “faking” my bisexuality. I felt guilty for mostly imagining myself in a relationship with a guy, because it seems easier. I called myself half-gay, half-straight and used that to minimise my own fears and struggles. “I’m only half-gay so I don’t have the same amount of struggles that a lesbian has.” Which is such a bad way to see things. Sure, I don’t have the exact same types of struggles that a lesbian has, but I still struggle with coming out, biphobia both from the lgbtq+ community and from straight people and internalised biphobia. This is one of the reasons I hate the fact that some people throw the words “straight passing privilege” in our face. It adds to the pressure that we’re not gay enough that many of us already feel. Since when is being in the closet a privilege?? 

Sorry about that, I just had to get that out of my system. I’m feeling much better about my sexuality again, and I can recognise the signs of internalised biphobia when it occasionally pops up. I think I’m gonna leave it here. If you ever wanna talk about bisexuality or lgbtq+ in general or want someone to talk to about your sexuality/questioning. Feel free to talk to me 😄

[magnus-the-maqnificent]

Let's Analyze - Alec in CoFA

So, I’ve been seeing plenty of discourse on two of my mutual’s blogs about this topic… so I thought I’d sit down and write another analysis post about my beloved Alec Lightwood cause people are still giving him shit for a book that came out ten years ago 🤦‍♀️

This is gonna be in two parts, and I'm putting both under the cut:

PART 1 - ALEC’S INSECURITIES 

So, the first part - how Alec’s insecurities drove him to saying stupid things in CoFA

A quick disclaimer - I’m NOT blaming Alec alone for his and Magnus’s break up. What happened was pretty complicated, and the blame cannot be put on one person alone. 

That said, let’s start with Magnus and Alec’s early ‘official’ relationship, in trsom.

These scenes are taken from only the first part of the book, but I’m pretty sure they’re more than enough to get a sense of Alec’s insecurities and all the chinks in their relationship. Throughout the entirety of trsom, we see more bits and pieces of Alec’s insecurities about Magnus’s sexuality, and his past and all the people he might have known - and that’s okay! Insecurities happen, cause brains are stupid like that.

But all of Alec’s insecurities could’ve been laid to rest with a simple conversation. But the conversation never happens. Magnus tends to deflect and change the topic every single time his past is brought up. I understand Magnus’s reasons for hiding his past, of course, but it doesn’t help his relationship with Alec. Magnus hiding a good chunk of his past will inevitably lead to Alec questioning himself - why is he so secretive? Why is he not telling me anything? Does he not trust me? ...and so on.

And when Alec is already feeling insecure in this relationship, this happens - (sorry about the terrible cropping btw)

And then later, while Magnus is talking to Camille,

Now… when people are insecure about something, they get irked at the smallest of things. I’m saying this as an insecure person myself. So now, you've got Alec, who's insecure as fuck, and his vacation with the person he loves got cut short by his ex who refuses to talk to anyone but him, and when they get there, his lover and his lover's ex seem to have obvious chemistry, he gets hit with the reality that his lover has dated several, probably even hundreds of people before him; and he has to leave them alone in a room so they can talk, and then he hears the ex basically just list all his shortcomings - i.e, his mortality, his appearance is compared to some random dead guy (sorry, Will) whom your lover had a crush on, which is just weird, and when you've had enough and open the door, it's to see your lover and his ex, standing close as fuck, and he's! touching! her! face! and! looking! into! her! eyes!

*takes a sip of water* yeahhhh... Alec was straight up having a bad day.

And at this point, a) Alec is still in his first relationship. He didn't get to navigate romance when he was younger, and while there's nothing wrong with that, there weren't exactly cutesy presentations titled 'how to keep your relationships healthy' floating around the internet. Heck, he didn’t know the internet. He didn't know that he had to communicate with Magnus, and it doesn't help that boy avoids conversations about feelings like the plague. And b) at this point, Alec would be facing several negative emotions - insecurity, obviously. Hurt. Helplessness, because of his mortality. Fear, that he might not live up to Magnus’s past lovers. Jealousy at seeing Magnus and Camille so close.

Negative emotions like these often tend to show up as anger or sorrow... and in Alec’s case, that would be anger. Which leads us to THIS- (🙈)

*sighs in second-hand embarrassment*

*drinks more water*

*this is gonna be so hard aksjakak*

So. Alec dealt with his insecurities... by being a mean, mean bitch to Magnus :/

Let's break this scene down, slowly, bit by bit.

First, Alec cuts into a conversation between Magnus and Jordan, when Magnus mentions Woolsey Scott, followed the rest of that particular page. To Alec, he's just a figure from Magnus’s past, and a possible lover, though in Alec’s defense Woolsey Scott WAS Magnus’s lover. This is the first instance that we see in which Alec lashes out at Magnus. It seems like he's trying to make a point to Magnus - "I don't know anything about your past, and so I don't know who you've had romances with, but I want to know." Except he makes his point in the worst way possible and ends up slutshaming Magnus.

The "What's true?" line, in response to Jordan saying "so it's true what they say about warlocks, then?" is pretty obvious. Alec is clearly not liking the idea that this random werewolf might know about warlocks, and in particular, his Warlock boyfriend.

Next... ooh boy... Alec basically snaps and in the next few paragraphs accuses Magnus of wanting to flirt with others which... is not a good look on ya honey 😕. These lines are the ones that get him accused of being biphobic... but is he really? I'm gonna talk about that in part 2.

So, in the first paragraph, where Alec makes the comments about Jordan, I find his choice of words pretty... interesting, seeing as 'messy-haired', 'broad-shouldered' and 'chiseled-good-looks' are all used to describe Alec in the series. Not sure if its relevant, but definitely interesting.

And in the next one, where Alec says, "or there are plenty of pretty girls here, since apparently your taste goes both ways. Is there anything you aren't into?" The 'apparently' makes me curious. In rsom, Alec mentions that he's only recently heard of the term bisexual, and there's plenty of time between rsom and cofa, so Alec should be absolutely sure of atleast the basic meaning of bisexuality. But I'm pretty sure it's just inconsistency on cc's part, since if rsom didn't exist, this book would be the first time Alec learns about Magnus’s bisexuality. (Which is obvious when you look at the scene after Magnus reveals that Camille is his girlfriend.) And as for the second sentence, I feel like it's a fallback to earlier in the book when Magnus says (I'm just gonna write the dialogue from memory), "I've dated men, women, warlocks, faeries, vampires, werewolves and even a djinn or two." Here, Alec is angry, and he takes the knowledge that Magnus has dated a variety of people and once again, lashes out.

Looking at all of it together, Alec’s insecurities are definitely a factor in all of this. We know Alec has pretty low self esteem in tmi, and he keeps having irrational thoughts about someone else grabbing Magnus’s attention, like in the trsom scene I've posted above. And he ends up taking out his insecurities on Magnus.

Was it wrong of Alec to say all those things to Magnus? Yes, absolutely. But looking back through all his scenes in cofa, it's easy to see how he could've fallen into the pit trap of emotions.

And before anyone says "but it wasn't addressed in the later books", it was, in CoLS. I’ve hit the image limit, so I'm just gonna type it out -

"[Magnus] said it would be better if he didn’t come. Apparently him and the Seelie Queen have some kind of history."

Isabelle raised her eyebrows.

"Not that kind of history," Alec said irritably. "Some kind of feud. Though," he added, half under his breath, "the way he got around before me, I wouldn't be surprised."

"Alec!" Isabelle dropped back to talk to her brother....

So, there. Alec makes yet another slutshaming comment, Isabelle overhears and is clearly not happy about it, and it's clearly implied that she talks to Alec about it. And Alec doesn't make any more slutshaming comments since then. Boy now knows what he did was wrong, and makes sure not to repeat it again.

Although, I do wish we had more than this. I wish we had more of Magnus and Alec talking about this argument, heck, even about all their arguments and the reasons they broke up, but you can't get everything you want, apparently :(

And now onto the next part...

PART 2 - IS ALEC BIPHOBIC?

The short answer, uh, no, not really.

The long answer.... would be complicated.

So, back in the day, when this discourse was at an all time high, I remember reading a bisexual person's essay about this topic, and they said that this comment from Alec - "or there are plenty of pretty girls here, since apparently your taste goes both ways. Is there anything you aren't into?" - would be a biphobic microagression.

According to Google, a microagression is "a statement, action, or incident regarded as an instance of indirect, subtle, or unintentional discrimination against members of a marginalized group such as a racial or ethnic minority".

And in Alec's case, IF his words were biphobic, they were completely unintentional. They were microagressive. Which is... still bad, of course, but it's more complicated than that.

If you look back on Alec's supposedly biphobic statements, they're more about Magnus’s hypersexuality and promiscuity than anything else. Yes, even the line i mentioned like two paragraphs ago. At first glance it may seem like a direct attack on Magnus’s sexuality, but think over the explanation I gave for the line and it will make sense. And a lot of people know that the whole 'bi people fuck around a lot and are cheaters' thing is a stereotype.

Now, it may seem like I'm going off topic here, but bear with me. I couple of days ago, I watched this video by chance. (Tw for the aids crisis and lots of biphobia, not from the narrator, if you wanna watch the video). Basically, back in the 1980s, bisexual men were scapegoated for spreading aids to the straight community and were vilified by popular media as being promiscuous scepters who would cheat on their wives with gay men and then give aids to their wives. (Yikes 😬). And since bisexuality was practically unheard of before all this (several bisexual activists have stated that all this shit, though unfortunate, pulled bisexuality out of the closet), it's safe to assume that this is how those stereotypes came to be - through 1980s propaganda.

But living with this propaganda is... a very limiting experience. The people who leaned and unlearned and fought against this propaganda are mostly US Americans who grew up with it, either the actual propaganda itself or passed down by their parents. But like I said, it's a very limiting experience. US is but one country out of many, and even for those living in the USA there's a chance that they grew up in a very hush-hush environment. People who grew up hearing all these stereotypes will see it as biphobia, while people who didn't - like Alec, and me, and several other people will not. A lot of people grow up with absolutely no knowledge of the queer community, and chances are that they'll be incredibly confused when a stereotype is pointed out to them, and they often get no more explanation than 'this is a harmful stereotype'. Queer experiences aren't the same for everyone, and while I respect the people who see this as biphobia, they should recognize that there are many people who won't see it that way.

I have seen bisexual people say that Alec's words were biphobic, and I've also seen bisexual people say that they weren't. Thus, there is no clear consensus about whether or not Alec was being biphobic. And like I said earlier, Alec grew up far, far away from mundane anti-queer bigotry. He was essentially a clean slate when it came to knowledge of eer microagressions of any kind, because microagressions and stereotypes are often incredibly specific, don't have anything to do with a person's race/sexuality/gender, etc. and will make zero sense unless you know the history behind them. To Magnus, who lived through the anti-bisexual scapegoating, the words would've definitely stung, but Alec didn't even know the implications he would be making with this words! Of course, the impact is greater than intention, and I imagine Magnus would sit Alec down one day and talk about all this history with him.

And idk if I can even blame cc cause the history of bisexual men is RARELY ever talked about, atleast on the internet.

Also, this scene in cofa is the only instance where he can be interpreted to be biphobic. Nowhere else in all of tmi, and even tec, do we see Alec express hatred or disgust or microagression towards bisexual people. If this was seen in a repeating pattern from Alec, one could argue that he's biphobic... but he isn't. Some might point to some of his internal thoughts in trsom to argue otherwise, but I believe that actions are superior than thoughts.

There's also the thing about unlearning prejudices, but in Alec's case there was hardly anything to be unlearned. The only prejudices he did pick up on were against himself, through vague homophobic comments from Robert.

P.S if you've read this far, I am legally entitled to compensation for thinking of cofa Alec for 48 hours. Put your favorite Alec moments in my askbox cause I wanna focus on his good side now. 😎

But yeah, the main thing here is that Alec has grown from his mistakes, apologized, and hasn't repeated this behavior at all.

And lastly, I just wanted to add - I don't think all this was unintentional on the author's part. She's grown up with the us American queer community, and has mentioned that she has bisexual friends, who have no doubt faced prejudices because of these stereotypes. I think she was trying to condemn making such statements, but a lot of people don't read between the lines and end up misinterpreting it and make both the character and her to be biphobic.

So... TLDR; was what Alec said biphobic? Maybe. It depends on who you're talking to. Is Alec, as a person, biphobic? Nope. Not at all. 😌