#women don't turn bi or lesbian just because a man broke their heart

[lavenderfeminist]

what does it mean when a woman talks to you every night until she falls asleep? that happened to me for 4 months: every night of her telling me I was the perfect woman, every conversation proving we are even more compatible than the previous, telling me she wants to be with me forever and could never date a man again.. after which she ghosted me out of nowhere and married an ugly man shortly after 💀 it's extra scary because I could tell she meant everything she said to me. I think she's just bi as in bipolar not bisexual (not even joking, she was diagnosed). I told her my worst fear was another bi woman leading me on and she nodded along at how awful that is only to do the same but worse than ever before.

so idk what it means, meant f**k all in my experience lol, means just trauma to me now. genuinely hope you other lesbians are luckier because I might just die before a woman actually likes me back. the worst part is that if anything, I was out of her league and I can't see myself lowering my standards to the point of going for sb I don't even find attractive. and even then there's be no guarantee of her not turning out to be a bihet who'll eventually leave for a man and adopt plural pronouns to qweerify her heterosexuality.

I seriously don't understand where to find women who actually desire and prefer women. but happy for you! maybe I'll just live vicariously through other gay couples' love until I perish

I didn't realize that posting about the first remotely relationship-esque experience I've had in 3 years was going to bring out this sadness in people but like. I can't let the fear of something not working out ruin something that is currently working out. I wanted her in my life when I didn't think there was a chance she'd ever want me, and now somehow she does. You cannot experience love without grief; either your person decides they don't want you anymore, or, even if all goes as well as it possibly can, one of you has to see the other die. There's no getting around it. I'm sorry she broke your heart; I have to take the risk that she'll break mine.

[emmy321]

I really just don't know what to do, yk.

So, ever since I was younger I kinda knew I liked girls (as a girl) and i always thought I was bi bc I'm still attracted to men yk. Like I think some anime characters are hot or whatever.

But at one time, I kinda knew I was a lesbian. I knew I only liked girls romantically, I knew that. Because in the one relationship with a girl that I had, it was easy. I tried SO hard in the relationship, I gave it my all.

And then a guy asked me out, and then I started to overthink it. I started to think that maybe I do like dudes, and I gave it a go. I even had my first kiss with this guy. But neither of us really tried to make it work, so I let it go and broke up with him.

And then there was another guy. And he asked me out, and he's so sweet. Like SO sweet. And so romantic. He should be everything I want, yk.

He sends me things that are so sappy, so loving. And it's cute.

But I can't stand it anymore.

I know I don't love him. Like at all. Because everything he does ticks me off. I've always been cuddly with girls, and I enjoy being more touchy with women, but when he's touchy? It makes my skin crawl. And I just don't like it.

And I just can't get myself to try at all in the relationship. I can't get myself to even send him a text.

And his texts are so sweet.

"I miss you so much"

"Words can't even express my love for you"

"I can't wait to see you"

"You're so beautiful"

And I know I'm cruel, because SO many women want a guy like him. So many women would die to be treated so lovingly. Buy I just don't want a guy. I want a girl to treat me like this.

He doesn't understand me either, I think. I mean my Christmas gift was a bright yellow pencil skirt. I don't even wear skirts?

Maybe it's because I struggle to talk to him about myself.

And I know he's unhappy, I know.

But I'm SO scared to break up with him. He's not crazy, I know that. But I'm scared of his family, and scared of making enemies. His step sister was my teacher, and his dad lives on our property. And I don't want them to be hostile.

I'm also scared of hurting him. Because I know he loves me. I know he loves me so so much. And I just don't feel the same. And I know it'll hurt him. I know he's gonna cry and I know he'll be hurt, and I hate it!

I wish he hated me! I wish he lost feelings when I started to distance myself!

Why does he still love me?

I don't look at him lovingly for ages like he does to me. And I don't think about him all day like he does to me. I don't pretend it's us as the main characters in any romantic movies like he does with me. I just can't! I don't want to.

And it's been a long time.

7 months he said. He remembers the dates we got together and he likes things like anniversaries. But I don't even know his birthday off by heart.

And I'm cruel I know that.

For leading him on.

But I want to like him. I've tried to convince myself that we are perfect for each other. That we'll grow old together and all that. I want to be straight.

Because my parents want grandkids. And it's normal where I live. It's not normal to be gay where I live. And my parents love him.

So do my friends!

I can't even count how many times they've said to me "they're perfect" or "they'll never leave each other" and it makes my throat run dry.

I don't even know how many nights I dream of girls. Of soft nimble hands in mine, and plump lips covered in lip gloss. Long hair that I can play with and curves. I can't help it. It's just what I want, and it's what I'm attracted to.

And when I think of something that turns me on, it's never a man. Maybe his six pack is hot, and his pecs are big, or whatever. But the thought of a dick just repulses me. I don't know why. I can't help it.

When I get turned on I think of boobs and girls in lingeries. I think of vaginas.

And now is the perfect time to break up with him.

Now is when to do it.

Because his step sister isn't my teacher anymore, I'm homeschooled now. And his dad still lives on our property, but his parents got a divorce, and his mom moved away with him. And he's two hours away.

But its just so scary.

Because I really really don't want to hurt him.

And I think my mom will understand if I explain it to her, but I feel like the bad guy.

I feel like I'm so SO cruel.

I'm cruel for taking his first kiss, and I'm cruel for thinking like this. And I feel so bad.

He deserves better. I've told him. And he says I'm the one.

I know I'm not. I know that.

I'm just too scared to change.

Idk how long I'll continue to pretend to love him.

Idk how long it'll take for me to muster up the courage to leave him.

I just hope it's soon.

[safetylights]

Good: "Leah Clearwater is a wlw"

Bad: "Leah Clearwater is a wlw because Sam broke her heart and she would never want to date a man again after that"