#woke up in a cold sweat with this image burned into my retinas

[capthem]

haha and then he’s all like “aND THE WALLS BEGIN TO TEAR. NOT THOSE OF THE TRAIN BUT THOSE OF A FALSE AND HOLLOW REALITY” y’know?

[takemedancingmaine]

Someone You Loved

It was the dull light streaming under the blinds that told me it was now a reasonable time to get out of bed.  I hadn't slept after the nightmare, not really, aside from maybe slipping in and out of consciousness, but it wasn't really sleeping. It was restless and my brain was exhausted after running through thought after thought afterthought.

Careful so that I didn’t wake Niall, I stretched my arms over my head and slipped out from under the covers and made my way into the kitchen where I started a pot of coffee and turned the kettle on to make myself tea. 

I wasn’t hungry, or at least not in the mood for anything in particular, so I pulled myself up and sat on the counter while I waited. The white stone was cold on my bare legs–goosebumps rising along their surface as I sat–but it served to help me wake from the half-asleep state I had been in since the early hours when I’d woken up from the nightmare when I saw that helpless look on Niall’s face.

The image of his fear and sadness, that helplessness that overtook his features as he tried his best to calm me down, had been burned into my retinas, was all I could think about all night as I had lied there desperately trying to fall asleep. I didn’t feel like my nerves had settled since then. I still felt anxious and uneasy, even now as the cloud-filled sky brightened slightly and the familiar sights of Niall’s apartment came into focus around me, even as I heard the familiar sound of the coffee pot filling across the kitchen from me and smelled the aroma wafting over to me. Even as I heard Niall shuffling about in his room, no doubt looking for his glasses after the smell of coffee woke him up. 

I could feel my nerves like a weight in my stomach, like a knot in my throat, like a tension in my shoulders that wouldn’t even allow me to stretch them out for a moment. My whole body felt heavy. The anxiety was pulsing through me like a venom with every beat of my heart. It was no wonder I wasn’t feeling hungry; I wasn’t sure I could keep anything down--if I could get it down in the first place. 

I closed my eyes, focusing on how the air was circulating around me and how it felt against my skin and didn’t open my eyes when Niall came into the room. I heard him pause at the coffee machine, heard him pull two mugs from the cabinet beside me, felt him as he stepped up to me and laced his fingers through mine on the countertop. When he squeezed my hands gently is when I opened my eyes and was met with his blue ones.

The worst part of it all was that nothing had changed. I hadn’t expected anything too, but his eyes still showcased just how lost he was right now and that added to that anxiety in my stomach, added to the tightness in my neck and shoulders even as I let out a big breath and sunk forward, my head finding a place to rest on his shoulder as he moved closer.

His familiar smell comforted me, the sound of his heartbeat steady and his even breathing that I forced myself to match enabled me to relax enough to gather my composure for a moment. He didn't say anything, just stayed steady until I moved and pulled back a bit. When I did, he gave my hands another squeeze before he brought his hands up and cupped my face, kissing me. He then stepped over and poured a cup of coffee for himself and steeped my tea for me.

“Thank you,” I whispered, almost afraid to break the serene atmosphere that had settled down around us in the apartment. Niall offered me a small smile as he ran a hand through his hair and then joined me on the counter. I loved his smile, but it didn't go unnoticed by me that right now it wasn't reaching his eyes.

It was then that I felt the guilt. It twisted in my stomach and rolled and reared itself until all I could focus on was the guilt. Niall was feeling like this because of me.

“D’you still want to go running this morning?” He asked.

I took a breath and did a survey of my whole body, my sore muscles, my tense neck and shoulders, and my mind. I saved it for last, knowing it would be the deciding factor.

Slowly, I nodded.

“Still want me to join?” He asked.

Again, the response was slow, but I nodded.

Everything about the next two hours felt lethargic. The rate at which we finished our breakfast. The slow way I untied and retied my shoes, and put my hair up… I was in awe of Niall’s patience. The run was slow, too, our pace easy as we left Niall's apartment and headed for Lakeshore to run along the path.

I felt like I was moving at half my normal speed, and I wasn't entirely sure why my dream in the presence of Niall had knocked my world so far off its axis, but I was moving, and that felt like something I needed to be doing. Niall didn't complain about any of it, not about my lethargic movements, not my pace, not that we ran for almost two full hours without a break up and down the lakefront, not his knees which I knew would be in all sorts of pain because of this... he just took it all in stride, literally.

He didn't try to pry me open, to force me into talking either. He was my quiet and stable companion. His cheeks were bright pink from the cold wind and the physical exertion, his hair was soaked with sweat and sticking to his forehead. Together we ran up to Evanston, through the campus, around the area a little, and then back down toward the city.

I used the city of Chicago to try to tune myself to a station that was less staticky than the one I was currently stuck on. This wasn’t a run where I imagined scenarios in my head or sorted through all of my problems to try and find the solution, or at least to find a solution. Instead, I used the run to push everything from my mind but the feeling of the cold wind on my face, the sights of the city, and the sounds of our feet hitting the concrete.

We didn't talk about where we were going or what we were doing. Niall let me lead, choosing to trust me and follow me through the entirety of the run. It almost felt like I was running away from my problems, literally. Each step I took felt more and more like I was on solid ground. I knew it was because I was moving and was aware that as soon as I stopped my foundation would begin to wobble beneath me once more. So I kept pushing, lungs burning and legs aching until I knew I had to stop, for my body’s sake and for Niall’s body’s sake even if my mind was screaming at me to keep going.

A long run in January wasn't the most pleasant of experiences, and by the time we reached his building’s lobby both of us had lost most of the feeling in our fingers and were doing what we could to reanimate them. We looked a mess while we waited for the elevator, too exhausted to even think of taking the stairs. We were breathing heavily still, coming down from the runner’s highs. Each of us was flushed bright red on our noses and cheeks, our hair was in varying shades of disarray, and we were trying to warm our hands by blowing on them and sticking them into or armpits. We were a sight to behold, I was sure. Thankfully, no one else was out and about on a frosty morning, and we made it up to his apartment without having to make any small talk with his neighbors.

Niall helped me out of my jacket and I kicked my shoes off as he pulled his sweatshirt off over his head. Even all disheveled and sweaty, he was still handsome. The sight of him tugging at my heart.

“You make us some tea?” Niall broke the silence first, spoke for the first time since breakfast. His voice was soft as he looked over at me. 

I nodded and headed into the kitchen to fill the kettle. While I waited for it to boil I felt the feeling return to my extremities, my face. The steam from the water swirled up in little white puffs as I poured the water into mugs for us and I breathed deeply the calming smell of chamomile as a steeped each of us a brew.

“Is that Bon Iver?” I asked as I walked into the bathroom to find Niall sitting on the ledge of the tub testing the water temperature as it filled. 

I had frozen, mugs in my hand, and scrunched my face up as I put together the scene before me, my mind trying to catch up to reality and make sense of it all.

He had stripped out of his joggers and was in just his running shorts and t-shirt. There were candles lit, and his speaker was playing soft indie music. The lights in the room were off, the only light coming from the glow of the candles and from the hallway that was bright from his blinds being open. The twinkle lights were also plugged in, giving an added glow to the whole apartment. It felt like a calm oasis in the storm of my life, of my mind.  

Never before in my life had I experienced a love like this. I experienced a lot of firsts when it came to falling and being in love with Niall, but this was miles above anything else to have ever happened to me. I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out, so I closed it again.

I noticed what looked like a bag from that all-natural products store. The bathwater was colored a deep mauve with mountains of bubbles. It smelled floral and light despite the darker color of the water. I couldn't place how I knew the smell, but it somehow reminded me of a hike I took with Cleo when we were still in college. It was a soft, happy memory that was conjured and I felt myself thawing even more as I looked around me.

“I got a few of those bath bombs from that store you like,” Niall explained as he took one of the mugs of tea from me. “I asked Cleo for help. She ended up going with me and helping me pick some out.”

“You… you got me bath bombs?” I asked, my voice soft.

He shrugged. “Even before you told me what happened I noticed you've been stressed, but ever since that first panic attack I wanted to be prepared. I read that some people find baths to have a calming effect when they're going through an attack. Something about the water and the essential oils.”

I took a deep breath and held it while I found his eyes and locked mine onto them. He looked so earnest and handsome. He looked like falling in love felt, open and sincere and soft and lovely. “I love you.”

I’d been taking care of myself for so long. Since I had left for college I was buying my own groceries and planning my own schedule and making sure I got adequate amounts of sleep and self-care while going through stressful times. Never had someone else done something like this for me.

Cleo would often tell me I needed to take a break and focus on myself or would do facemasks on a Friday night in with me, but for Niall to have researched panic attacks and bought me bath bombs on the off-chance that it would help me during an attack was another level. 

Cleo and I took care of each other, but we were best friends, of course we took care of each other. It was the same with Louis; whenever Louis was feeling stressed or overwhelmed I would force him to take a step back from work and sleep or do something for himself. To have Niall in that circle of people who would help me in any way he knew how–and sometimes even when he needed to research it–felt comforting.

“C’mere,” he said gently. He'd told me he loved me countless times before, and even though he didn't say those exact words at this moment, he said it to me in the way he placed my tea down on the vanity and gently helped to undress me and the way he tested the water again before helping me into the tub. I felt his love in the way he handed my tea back to me once I was settled, in the way he looked at me, his eyes caressing my face while I let the hot water relax me.

One of the many great things about Niall’s apartment was the bathtub. It was massive. It was deep enough and long enough to where I didn't have to choose between either my knees or shoulders being cold. They could both slip below the surface of the water–and the foamy bubbles–with room to spare.

As I sank back into the water I felt my breath leave me, felt my heaviness leave my body as I closed my eyes relaxed my head against the tile behind me.

“I'll leave you to relax then,” he said and I heard him shuffle as he made to leave, but before he could I reached out blindly and grabbed him, taking hold of his leg and holding him in his place.

“Stay,” I encouraged.

There was a beat, a pause, and then, “Okay.”

He sat down on the floor just on the other side of the tub and held my hand until I finished my tea and the water turned cold. Most of the bubbles had deflated into the water. The candles were burned down a ways and the light in the hallway shifted as the morning turned to afternoon. I wasn't sure whether I had fallen asleep for a while or not.

Between the run and the bath, between Niall’s presence and just having time to settle down and recenter my body, I was feeling better, more aware of what was happening. I had lost my safe space, safe haven when I had the dream around Niall. It had rocked my world off of its axis and somehow without my saying so, Niall knew enough to give me the time and the means to re-align myself to my new normal.

I was reeling, felt like the world had turned upside down, but now it was all becoming clear to me again and when I finally reopened my eyes I saw Niall sitting cross-legged on the floor, his head resting against the tub, his hand still in mine. His breathing was soft and even and his eyes were closed.

He looked impossibly soft. I smiled at him and used my free hand to run through his hair, pulling him from his rest. I felt myself soften as I looked at the sleepy look on his face as he gave me a soft smile back. His hair was all ruffled and as he sat up straight to stretch out his back I heard a few cracks–which was not uncommon, Niall’s back was always cracking. He helped me out of the tub and into a warm towel, helping me dry off before offering me some clean clothes to put on. I felt okay for the first time since I’d had my dream last night. 

It’s funny how things come about. 

Sometimes you can be walking down the street and you find the person you’re going to marry simply by running into them when you’re not paying attention. Sometimes you get a job because you meet someone at a coffee shop or on the train wearing a shirt from your alma mater and you strike up a conversation. Sometimes you break down into a fit of tears because you broke a shoelace. 

Sometimes you can be taste-testing lemon and ginger madeleines and an Irish man walks through the door and changes your trajectory slightly.

Sometimes you can be making dinner and as you’re cutting up a cucumber you come to a realization that you’re drifting away from not just other people, but yourself.

After my bath, Niall had sat down at his counter with his laptop open in front of him, reading through something he was editing for work. I had been scribbling my way through a crossword puzzle until inspiration hit and I started making muffins, using baking to feel productive in some small way. We still had the soft music playing in the background and now the apartment smelled like banana nut muffins as we started on dinner prep.

I was starting to slip back into my feelings again though. The run and the bath only doing so much for me. When I realized this, realized that despite everyone's best efforts I wasn’t stable within myself anymore, I felt a shift again.

Normally Niall and I did things, like going out to the shops on the Mag Mile or did something fun like trying a new restaurant or getting flights of beer at local bars and breweries and tasting them. We did trivia nights with friends and went to brunch. We even drove out to an apple orchard and picked apples together this fall, but recently when it was just the two of us, it was much less exciting. Ever since my panic attack, we’d settled into a much more sedentary lifestyle together.

It wasn’t stated aloud, but I knew it was because of his fear that I would freak out and he wouldn’t be able to control it in public. I also knew it was because I was more than fine with staying in. I was exhausting myself always being alert and always trying to be fine, just fine that sitting around doing nothing felt like a welcome break from it all.

It was when he got up and was setting the pot of water on the stove to boil for the pasta we were making that I had to ask. 

After he’d fallen asleep beside me before I took notice of the dark circles beneath his eyes and the way the fear that resided in his eyes since last night wasn’t leaving them. I tried my best to ignore it, but when he brushed past me to get to the stove and I glanced up, it was there again.

“Are you okay?”  

He paused and gave me a curious look, as if he was shocked I had asked, but confused as to why I would.

“Am I okay?” he repeated. I nodded. “I’m… I don’t know what I am, Ruby. I’m tired from work, but that’s not what this is…” He ran a hand through his hair, I followed it with my eyes. 

“What is it?” I asked gently, almost fearfully. I knew what it was, but I wanted to hear him say it anyway. 

“I”m worried about you,” he said finally. I could tell he didn’t want to. His mouth was doing that fluctuating thing where it alternated between angry, frustrated, contemplative, and then to confusion before circling back around again.

“I'll be okay,” I said. “I'll be fine.”

“You keep saying that, but I don't think it's true.”

“You don't?” I asked.

“I don't.”

“So what do you think?” I asked.

“I don't know what to think, darlin’, but I know you're lying when you say that you're okay.”

“I am.” I could feel my defensiveness bubbling inside of me, but I pushed it down. “Okay.”

“If you think that then you're also lying to yourself,” he looked heartbroken saying that. As if admitting it made something flip inside him.

“I'm fine,” I repeated. “I'm worried about you, though, Niall.”

“Worried about me?” He asked incredulously. “I'm doing everything I can for you, Ruby, but I've got a lot going on inside of me as well. I'm trying to be understanding and helpful in what is clearly a hard time for you, but imagine how I feel. I know why you kept it from me, and I’m not holding it against you, I would never… but you still kept a secret from me. I get why you did it, and I'm not mad at you, but I still have to come to terms with that.”

I winced. He was right.

“Not only that, but I'm angry. I'm so angry that this happened, that you're scared, that I can't seem to do anything about it. I’m upset and I can’t even show it because I want to be able to help you and my being upset… that’s the last thing–This! is the last thing that you need.” 

He paused and collected himself. His voice was softer and more composed when he spoke again. “I’m sorry. This isn’t helpful. I’m just so full of whatever the hell this feeling is that I can’t… I’m sorry.”

I watched as he hung his head and covered his face with both hands.

“Fuck,” he cursed before pulling his head from his hands and looking at me earnestly, his pain written plainly on his face.

It was then, when I saw the look on his face, that it clicked. The thought I'd had that morning when I was unable to fall back asleep, the thought I had refused to acknowledge in any capacity was now back, and it seemed like the clearest option to save at least one of us from the mess I had created.

“Niall,” I said his name softly, caressing the syllables with my mouth, savoring their taste on my tongue.

He knew by my tone that the conversation had shifted directions. The look he was giving me let me know he knew what was coming. I don't know how he knew, but he did.

“Don't,” his voice broke.

It almost broke me. It should have broken me. It would have if I haven't already shut myself down, closed myself off and told myself this needed to happen.

“Please, Ruby. Please don't,” he repeated.

What was about to happen was an amalgamation of everything I had been through in the past few months. It was inevitable, and I knew that now. Niall had only ever known Post-Attack Ruby and as much as he was helping, as much as he loved me and I loved him, I needed to stop being so broken and needed to find myself and get back to myself and I needed to do that on my own. I knew deep down that I needed to. 

Even though I didn't want to.

I also knew that I matter how much pain I was about to cause Niall, I couldn't keep dragging out that pain. If I stayed that's what I would be doing, forcing him to live every day with me being broken. If I left I'd be ripping off a bandaid. Yes, it would hurt, but it would hurt far less and far shorter than if I stayed. I was doing this for him just as much as I was for myself. 

“I have to,” my own voice was much more emotional than I was hoping it would be.

“Ruby.” He shook his head.

“I'm sorry,” I said. I was fighting hard against the sobs that suddenly wanted to rip through me. It felt as if wrapping my arms around my midsection was the only way I was going to stay in one piece. I felt a tidal wave of sadness of reality of post-Niall pushing against the barriers in my brain. “I love you.”

“Then don't do this.”

“I have to,” I repeated. I couldn't look at him. I had to shift my gaze down at his floor. “I have to do this for both of us. I'm hurting you and I need to heal. And I don't want to hurt you more while I do that.”

“This is going to hurt me, Ruby.” I noticed when I finally looked up at him, met his eyes, that he was already crying. I may have shut myself off, but I felt my own heart split in two at the sight of him. I could hear his heart splinter. The sound of it echoing throughout his apartment, hitting off the dark corners and slamming back into me before falling to the floor. “This is going to hurt me so much. I love you.”

“I know.” I forced the words out. “I'm sorry.” 

I took a deep, shaky breath and went to step around him. He reached out though, and the moment his skin touched mine my resolve crumbled and a sob released from my chest. I swallowed down the one that wanted to follow it though, and I closed my eyes, pushing the tears back.

His hand on my shoulder was calling for me to let him wrap me up, for me to let him hold me until I feel safe and secure, but something inside me wouldn't let me do that, knowing that that wouldn't work, wouldn't be enough no matter how badly Niall and I both wanted it to be.

“I wish I could be whole for you. I'm so sorry that I'm not,” I whispered into the air between us. “I love you. Please don't hate me.”

“I could never...” he trailed off, his voice thick with the tears he was crying.

I opened my eyes and looked at him, my Niall. The man who had walked into my life and brought with him sunshine I hadn't known previously. He was also the man who taught me so much about the world, about my relationships with my friends, and about what I deserved from a romantic relationship.

He was beautiful inside and out, even right now, even when his heart was breaking.

“You might when I leave, and I couldn't bear it if…” I took a breath to steady myself. “I just don't want you to hate me. I need you to be okay, to be happy and whole and to keep being the best person I've ever met.”

He broke down then, his face in his hands as sobs ripped from his chest. I couldn't do it. I closed the distance between us and pulled him into my arms, holding him as he cried. My own sobs spilled out and were muffled by his shoulder. I let myself hold the man I loved one last time as our hearts broke together.

“I have to go,” I said after ages of us being in that position. “I love you.” I kissed his cheek as I pulled back from him. “I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Niall.”

Without looking back I slipped on my boots and grabbed my coat and was out his door, pulling my coat against my chest as I practically ran down the stairs and headed toward home. All I could focus on was the feeling in my chest of my heart being squeezed too uncomfortably tight and the man I was walking away from.

[chibi-arthur]

I’m alright 1/2

https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1282537/1/i-m-alright-crossgene-wonyoung-takusper

Fandom: Cross Gene

Pairing: TakuSper, some WonYoung on the side

Warnings: self-harm, Seyoung speaking with his mouth full, Yongseok’s potty mouth, some blood

Rating: PG-15 i guess

This story is based on a prompt "Imagine your OTP in a world where if your soulmate is harmed in any way, you get harmed in the same way. Person A cuts themselves, believing they’ll never find their soulmate. Person B finds marks all over their arms and panics in the realization that their soulmate is cutting themselves." I have changed it slightly though. Instead of being harmed in the same way, the pain and marks are less intense and person B doesn’t bleed like person A does from the self-harm. And while person A’s cuts turn to scars, person B’s marks simply fade after some time.

Casper opened his eyes groggily. Faint morning light shone through the window, slowly banishing the darkness his room was enveloped in. With a groan he turned on his back, away from the light, and looked at the clock on the nightstand. The green numbers glowed at him angrily, making him close his eyes. It seemed like they burned itself into his retinas as even with his eyes tightly shut, he could still see “4:37AM” clearly. Covering his head with the duvet, he tried to fall back asleep. Time dragged on but Casper still couldn’t sleep. The insides of his wrists itched, denying him rest. He rubbed them against the sheets but it only made the itching turn into a dull pain.

“What the…”

He brought his hands before his eyes and looked at his wrists. There were red lines running across them. Casper squinted in disbelief. Reaching out, he turned on the night lamp and examined his wrists in a better light. The lines looked suspiciously like cut marks. Muttering under his breath, he ran his fingers over the marks, confirming their existence. Then his eyes widened in panic as realisation struck him.

“My soulmate… is cutting themselves?”

Casper shot out of his bed and started searching for clothes to put on but then he stopped. He didn’t know who his soulmate was. Sliding against the wardrobe, he sat on the floor. It was so frustrating, knowing that someone destined for you were hurting themselves. Casper punched the floorboards in exasperation. Then he froze. He should avoid hurting himself so that his soulmate wouldn’t be in unnecessary pain.

Slowly getting up, Casper trudged to his bedside drawer and pulled out an elastic bandage. He grabbed some clothes as well and left for the bathroom to take a shower. After finding out about his soulmate’s condition he wouldn’t be able to sleep so he might as well start his day a bit earlier.

***

After showering and carefully wrapping his wrists up, Casper went to the kitchen. He grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, chugged half of it down almost instantly and then proceeded to make dumplings for breakfast. His mind was still focused on the person destined for him though. Casper couldn’t stop worrying. What was bothering his soulmate so much that they hurt themselves? A sudden longing and want to help overcame him. He wants to know who his soulmate is. He wants to know why they’re doing this horrible thing. He wants to know them. He wants to help.

Lost in thought, Casper didn’t realise he made too many dumplings. For a moment he just stared at them in astonishment but then decided to fry some for himself and put the uncooked ones in the fridge for his band members. With a plate of dumplings in hand, he returned to his room and sat at the desk. The computer made a quiet whirring noise when Casper turned it on. It was still early so he plugged in his headphones and decided to compose something, just to take his mind off of things.

It proved to be a poor distraction, however, because he found his thoughts circulating around the mysterious person – his soulmate. It was a bittersweet feeling. On the one hand, he was happy that he finally knew for sure that somewhere in this world there is a person who is destined for him. On the other hand, this same person hurts themselves and he has no means to stop this self-abuse. There are probably millions of people who cut themselves, finding this one among all of them is like looking for a needle in a haystack, a needle that can suddenly move to a different city, country or continent. Not to mention, even if he somehow managed to reach all of these people, there was no guarantee that he’d be able to communicate with them.

With a frustrated sigh Casper turned off the computer. He put the headphones somewhere on his desk, uncaringly, and threw himself on the bed. Lying on his back, he covered his eyes with the crook of his right arm. His troubling thoughts drained him and he eventually managed to drift into an uneasy sleep.

***

The sun was already high on the sky when Casper woke up. The clock with its green numbers obnoxiously told him that it was way past 12PM. His dreams were filled with disturbing images that left him with trembling hands and covered in cold sweat. He took another shower. After drying himself up with a towel, he looked at the marks on his wrists. They were more visible than in the morning but didn’t itch or hurt. He re-wrapped them with elastic bandage, put on some clothes and went out of his room.

Seyoung, Takuya and Shin were in the living room. They were sitting in a semi-circle on the floor, steaming pot of dumplings in front of them. As soon as they saw the rapper, they beckoned him over.

“Yo hyung, thanks for the dumplings!” shouted Shin, even though there was no need to be that loud. “Do you want some before we eat them all?” he asked, trying to feed Takuya who already had one dumpling in his mouth.

“No, thanks” Casper replied, sitting near the trio. He couldn’t stop thinking about his soulmate. He considered telling his band members about it but then decided against it. It was his problem, he shouldn’t bother others.

“Is something the matter?” Takuya, always the one to pick up on his mood no matter what, asked with underlying concern.

Casper sent him a tired but genuine smile and shook his head. “I’m fine, just slept weirdly”

Everything was quiet after this, only the sounds of the trio munching happily on dumplings could be heard. Casper watched the food disappear from the pot, lost in his thoughts. He didn’t notice Seyoung sneaking up on him so he jumped in surprise when the eldest grabbed his wrist.

“Easuh thar” he said with a dumpling in his mouth. “Whashup wish four vrishtsh?”

Casper could only blink, not understanding his hyung at all. “Uhhh… come again?”

Seyoung smiled sheepishly, as if the thought that speaking with a full mouth makes people hard to understand never occurred to him. He put up his hand in a “wait a moment” sign and tried to swallow the dumpling without properly chewing on it first. Unsurprisingly, he started choking right after.

Takuya patted Seyoung’s back none too gently. “You should chew first, silly” the Japanese man chuckled and ruffled the vocalist’s hair affectionately. Seyoung mumbled something that sounded like “sorry” but Casper couldn’t be sure as the blonde man was still gripped by a coughing fit.

Then Takuya looked at Casper, his brown orbs full of intensity piercing right through his soul. “Hyung” he said. “I’m also curious. What happened to your wrists?”

“Ah, this” the rapper tried very hard to appear indifferent but a nervous chuckle slipped past his lips anyway. “I pulled a muscle when exercising”

The Japanese man squinted at him and a drop of sweat slid down Casper’s back. He thought that Takuya saw right through him. But then the visual sighed and rubbed his temples.

“You guys are so clumsy, I swear to God I feel more like your mum than a fellow member…”

“If you’re the mum then I’m the dad!” Shin jumped right into the conversation, trying to feed Takuya more dumplings and knocking him to the ground in the process. Shin managed to get the dumpling into Takuya’s mouth after a third try, hitting him on the nose and cheek the first two times.

It was then that Casper decided to retreat to his room. He left the trio behind, not paying much attention to the silently fuming Takuya, pouting Seyoung or mischievously grinning Shin. He wasn’t in the mood to be the middle man when Seyoung and Shin started quarrelling about whose turn it was to feed Takuya. Again.

But even when he turned around and started walking towards his room, he could feel a burning stare on his back. He didn’t dare look behind in fear of his members figuring out he didn’t tell them the whole truth.

***

A few days have passed and Casper was glad to notice that the marks on his wrists disappeared. It meant his soulmate stopped the self-abuse. He smiled, going about his morning routine in unusually high spirits. He even hummed while preparing breakfast, getting a wide smile from Sangmin and a weird look from Yongseok.

Casper stood at the entrance to the kitchen with a plate of sandwiches in hand, watching Shin and Seyoung move the couch they just bought with Takuya sitting on top of it.

“A bit to the left!” ordered Takuya and the other two men complied. “Hmm… No. A bit to the right!”

“God, they’re so pathetic” Casper was startled by the sudden whisper behind him. Turning back, he saw it was Yongseok. The rapper glared at the maknae playfully when he stole one of his sandwiches and Yongseok just batted his eyelashes at him.

“Why do you think so?” Casper munched on his sandwich, no longer looking at the maknae but diverting all his attention to the trio in the living room. Takuya changed his mind again, the leader and the oldest member moved the couch without a word of complaint.

“I mean just look at them!” Yongseok shouted with his mouth full, bits of chewed sandwich and spittle flying in every direction. Casper brushed the residue off his shoulder with a disgusted look on his face. Yongseok apologised, swallowed and continued “Shin hyung and Seyoung hyung are hopelessly in love with Takuya hyung and would do everything to win him over. They fight often, they’re not big fights or anything but still, and Taku hyung can’t choose between them because he’s afraid of ruining team work or some shit. And it’s all just so pathetic because they can easily find out who is Taku hyung’s soulmate by kicking something really hard. Am I right or am I right?”

Silence fell over the whole dorm. Five pairs of eyes looked at the youngest member in astonishment because yes, he was right.

“For a person who talks shit all the time, this was surprisingly insightful” Seyoung said in wonder and Yongseok smirked triumphantly.

“Ha!” Shin shouted, pointing at the oldest member dramatically. “Pack your bags Lee Seyoung ‘cause you’re about to lose!” He turned to Takuya and stroked his face lovingly. “I’m sorry baby, this is gonna hurt a little” Without further ado, Shin ran at the drawer at the end of the room and kicked it as hard as he could.

“Ow! Why did you have to kick it so ha-“

Everyone froze when it wasn’t Takuya who spoke but Seyoung. The newfound soulmates stared at each other in shock, Yongseok’s obnoxious laughter piercing the silence. Shin and Seyoung both screamed at the top of their lungs, horrified, and ran back to their respective rooms. Sangmin tried to pick Yongseok up from the floor, the maknae had almost purple face and could barely breathe because of laughing too hard.

Casper, however, was looking at Takuya. The Japanese man had an unreadable expression on his face. The rapper noticed Takuya’s lips moving but didn’t hear what he said. Casper wanted to go over to his friend but his muscles wouldn’t move. He wasn’t good at comforting people, besides, he didn’t even know Takuya needed comforting.

But guilt gripped his heart like a vice when suddenly Takuya stood up and vanished inside his room. Casper could swear he saw the light glittering off of what seemed to be a single tear running down the Japanese man’s cheek.

***

Casper woke up in the middle of the night. His wrists burned and he didn’t need to look to know that horizontal lines were running across them. He clenched his teeth. It weren’t his wrists that hurt the most though, it was his heart. He couldn’t bear the thought that a person so important to him continued the self-abuse. He felt helpless. Not being able to help slowly killed him inside. He was convinced his soulmate stopped cutting themselves but something must have gone horribly wrong. What though? Casper couldn’t stop thinking about it. What could be the reason for someone to think there was no other way to escape the pain but by reaching for a razor and using it in the most harmful way?

He stood up. After taking a sip from the bottle of water he left on his nightstand before he went to sleep, he made his way to the bathroom. He was surprised to see the light coming from under the door. Casper knocked.

“Uh- just a moment!” Takuya’s slightly panicked voice answered from within the bathroom. “I’ll come out in a minute!”

Casper shrugged and leaned on the wall next to the door. A few seconds later the sound of flushing the toilet could be heard and then the quiet squeak of the faucet. The whoosh of the running water made Casper feel sleepy all of a sudden. He dozed off against the wall, only snapping his eyes open when Takuya opened the bathroom door. Casper raised an eyebrow upon seeing the taller man dressed in a long-sleeved shirt and basketball shorts. Takuya coughed uncomfortably.

“I, uh, I was cold.”

Casper hummed in acknowledgement and Takuya went to his room. As soon as he vanished from his sight, the rapper felt his wrists throb and unease crawl its way back into his heart. He never noticed it before but whenever he was around Takuya he felt calm. Casper pondered over this fact a bit, before doing what he came to the bathroom for and going back to his room to try and get some sleep. For some reason he dreamt of Takuya this night, waking up rested and calm in the morning.

***

The day after Shin and Seyoung found out they are soulmates was awkward. They tried to avoid each other, which was hard because this day was spent in the practice room, revising choreographies, but at the same time they kept looking at each other when they thought the other wasn’t paying attention. Casper thought it was painful to watch, Yongseok said so out loud.

“Just kiss and get it over with already, dummies!”

But it only made things even more awkward and Casper was no longer sure whether he wanted to kill the newfound soulmates or the maknae. Or all of them. Preferably all of them.

Casper saw Takuya leave the practice room the moment Shin announced a 15-minute break. After just a few seconds of hesitating he decided that he’d rather spend this time with his best friend rather than watch Shin talk with Sangmin while pretending he wasn’t checking out Seyoung who was talking with Yongseok on the other side of the room.

Once Casper closed the door of the practice room behind himself, he heaved a sigh of relief. The air in the corridor was clearer, and it’s not just because it doesn’t smell like sweaty men in here.

The rapper looked around discreetly and noticed Takuya by the vending machine. In a sudden burst of playfulness, he snuck up on the Japanese man and shouted “boo!” when he was behind him. Startled, Takuya hit his hand on the keypad and exclaimed something in Japanese which, even with his limited knowledge about the language, Casper was sure was a curse. There was a dull thud as a bottle of orange juice fell down. Takuya turned to Casper slowly.

“I wanted water, not juice.”

Casper couldn’t help but laugh at his friend’s pout. He patted his butt in a sign to move over and, still giggling, bought Takuya a bottle of water.

“Here you go.” Casper said, handing the Japanese man the bottle. He chuckled one last time and took the orange juice that Takuya bought by mistake. They spent the break nursing their drinks in comfortable silence. When they came back to the practice room the atmosphere was less awkward than before, for which Casper was infinitely grateful, and the rest of the practice went by without a hitch.

***

To say that Casper didn’t sleep well the following week would be an understatement. Each night was worse than the previous one, the marks on his skin became more prominent, flashing angry red at him each time he looked, and the pain he felt was greater too. Casper was sick with worry. He performed badly during practice, his mind occupied with his soulmate whose identity was still a mystery. It was torture. Casper didn’t even know how to find his soulmate, it could be literally anyone in the world.

Then, when he woke up one morning, he was overcome with a sudden sense of dread. His mind was all over the place, his thoughts were like threads, threads he couldn't catch because they slipped through his fingers as soon as he touched them. Takuya. The vocalist's name resonated inside his head. He needed to see him, talk to him. Why? He had no idea. But an illogical sense of foreboding burrowed itself deep in his bones and his brain was screaming at him to move and find the Japanese man. It's probably going to pass once he saw Takuya, at least that's what he kept telling himself.

Just as he was reaching for the doorknob, a searing pain erupted from his wrists, first right and then the left one. It was a pain he never felt before, so strong his head reeled and he almost fell down. Casper didn't know how long he was trying to regain balance but as soon as he was standing upright again and there was no ringing in his ears he could faintly hear Yongseok complaining about Takuya occupying the bathroom for a long time.

As the rapper tried to pull himself together, Yongseok's annoyance turned into worry.

"Why is there so quiet over there, bro? Are you fapping or what?" Casper could hear the youngest's nervous chuckle and then insistent banging on the bathroom door. He went out of his room and headed straight to where the commotion was coming from. Gently pushing Yongseok away, he knocked on the bathroom door three times.

"Takuya? You alright in there?" he somehow expected a lack of answer but it made him worry nonetheless.

By this time the other members of the group gathered before the bathroom door, all of them uneasy. Casper felt lightheaded and the sense of dread from before returned full force. Stepping aside from the entrance to the bathroom, he readied his shoulder and ran full pelt at the door, ramming into it and tearing off its hinges. He could hear alarmed gasps from the other members but the sounds were muffled, as if he was submerged in water.

Red, red, red everywhere. Red tainted water was flowing out of the red smeared bathtub and made red rivulets on the red splattered floor. Red was the razor that has fallen from the red streaked hand. And amongst this overwhelming red there was Takuya’s face – deathly pale, eyes closed, lips almost white. His blood was also on his clothes and for some reason even in his hair. Red. Red, red, red.

Casper gritted his teeth and tried to keep his stomach calm. He tore his shirt and wrapped up the wounds on Takuya's wrists before pressing his pointer and middle finger against the man's neck. Pulse. Very weak, almost non-existent, but still there. He lifted the soaked body out of the tub. Going in the direction of the living room, he was vaguely aware of barking at his band mates to call an ambulance. He set Takuya on a couch they bought just a couple weeks ago and sat on the ground by him.

Only when the nurses were taking the Japanese man did Casper notice wet streams running from his eyes and down his cheeks. He felt a hand on his shoulder. Almost immediately he clung to the owner of the hand and started sobbing uncontrollably, red dots swimming in his vision even when he closed his eyes.