#woah this is me finding out that i have to censor the word anxiety?

[jadetheblueartist]

Being finished with school for the year

Expectation: Now that I don’t have those deadlines and stressful assignments/situations, my anxiety has gone down so much!

Reality: Now that I don’t have those deadlines and stressful assignments/situations, my brain is deciding that any little “deadline” I make for myself is extremely important and stresses over it excessively (example: I needed to remember to untangle two necklaces eventually [super unimportant]; got so stressed by the impending necklaces that I couldn’t do anything until that was done)

[writing-red]

The Silver Letter | 1

Draco Malfoy x Reader

Summary: It’s their sixth year, Draco and the reader are placed in an arranged marriage by their pureblood families, expected to follow through they navigate their feelings for each other amongst the many other social pressures at Hogwarts.

Warnings: PARENTAL ABUSE! (verbal & physical) murder, and cussing. I am serious these themes are heavy-handed, don’t read something that’s going to hurt you okay?

Word Count: 2.9k

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6

“Ooh, a letter from your mum? What’d you do to disappoint her this time?” Ron asked in between bites of his eggs at the sight of the silver envelope bearing your family crease.

“Being friends with you, Weasley is enough to disappoint any mother,” you teased back despite the lump of anxiety in your throat; letters from home were never a good thing.

You come from a line of influential, elitist, purebloods. All Slytherins, of course, and all married for status, never for love. Your parents stood with the Dark Lord in the last war, and stand with him now. When you were sorted into Gryffindor your first year, you expected to be disowned. Instead, you were just a stain on your family’s pristine reputation. You were simply a disappointment, but being that your brother was dead, you were your families’ last hope to continue the family line.

Now, you had been friends with Harry, Ron, and Hermione since your first year, and the four of you were inseparable. They knew everything about you, from your favorite sweet to the grotesque details of your family’s abuse. They cared for you more than anything, as you cared for them.

“Do you want me to read it for you?” Hermione offered, noticing your hesitation at the sight of the silver envelope.

“No ‘Mione, it’s okay but thank you,” you said and broke the seal. “At least it isn’t a howler.”

Darling Y/n,

I have incredibly exciting news!

As you know, your Father and I have desperately been trying to salvage your reputation ever since you fell in with that crowd of mudbloods and bloodtraitors. Luckily for you, we have found a way to do so.

Despite your abhorrent behavior at school, Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy have kindly agreed to an arranged marriage between you and their son Draco Malfoy whom you should know from school. He is a proper pureblood, and from what I have heard, a respectable young man.

Our families’ blood status and our standing in the community and with the Dark Lord secured this marriage. Do not ruin it with your childish behavior and silly ‘ideals’ as you know, they do not stand in our household.

This is your last chance to make things right with us. Neither your Father nor I will hear of any debate on the topic. Do not make the wrong decision; it could be your end.

The wedding shall be this summer after the two of you return from school. I suggest you spend this year getting to know your future husband, not getting into trouble with Harry Potter and his gang. It is time you start taking some responsibility for yourself and your actions Y/n.

We will see you home for Winter Holiday.

Signed,

Layah Y/l/n

You didn’t realize how long you were staring at the letter until Harry waved his fork between your face and the paper which had grown incredibly heavy in your hands.

“Are you alright Y/n/n? What does it say?” Harry asked gently, assuming the worst whatever that may be.

“They’ve put me in an arranged marriage with Draco Malfoy,” you whispered, shocked by the words that left your lips.

“You’re joking,” Ron deadpanned.

“Why in Merlin’s name would I joke about something like that, Ronald?” You seethed.

“You’re right, I’m sorry,” He paused. “What’re you gonna do?”

“I don’t know,” you said and passed the letter to Hermione so that she could read it. “Just, for now, please don’t tell anyone, I don’t want everyone talking about this.”

“Of course,” Harry said. “We’re here for you, Y/n.”

“Thanks, Harry.”

“Y/l/n.”

The voice came from behind you, and it startled you. He sounded stern. You turned around to find that the voice that belonged to Draco Malfoy.

“Malfoy,” your voice was shaky despite your attempt at masking your panic.

“We need to talk.”

“Not here,” you said as you looked around at the third-years who were already staring.

“Of course not here, I’m not daft Y/l/n. We’re going on a walk,” He left no room for negotiation in his voice. You were going on a walk.

You rose, leaving your breakfast uneaten and the letter with Hermione. “I’ll see you all later.”

“Let’s go,” Draco said through his teeth.

He grabbed your wrist tightly as you stepped over the long bench in an attempt to rush you. His grip brought a sharp pain to your wrist, but you didn’t want to cause a scene so you exited the Great Hall without a word to the man at your side. It wasn’t until you were outside the castle that you ripped your wrist from Draco’s grip.

“Don’t ever grab me like that again. You understand, Malfoy?” You were still afraid and confused, but that didn’t mean he could treat you however he pleased.

“I’m sorry, I just-” you cut him off.

“I know it’s sudden and confusing, but we both knew an arranged marriage was coming. I just always figured I’d end up with Zabini or Nott,” you understood what he was trying to say, the two of you were an unlikely pairing. “Look, I don’t fancy the idea of marrying you either, Draco, but I don’t have a choice. I don’t have the luxury of parents who care about my wellbeing. I know you don’t like me, you’ve made that plenty clear over the past six years, but this arrangement means more than you think,” As far as you could tell, Malfoy’s were pure. They didn’t abuse and harm their children. They were just the perfect pureblood family, and Draco was their stuck-up, privileged silver boy.

“I’m sorry, loving?” He asked which piqued your curiosity, that’s what he got from that?

“Yes, I said loving, why?” You responded.

Draco scoffed, “Just because I’m not a bloodtraitor doesn’t mean my parents treat me with unconditional love Y/l/n.”

“I’m just a Gryffindor, I couldn’t have controlled that Draco,” you said through gritted teeth; why were you defending yourself to him?

“A Gryffindor who’s friends with a Weasley, a mudblood, and Harry Potter. That was a choice. You want your parents to be nicer to you? Stop being a fuck-up,” He said, acting exactly like the bully you had known all these years.

“So, this is why you wanted to talk? So you could bully me?” you said, you were unintentionally raising your voice.

“It’s your fucking fault we’re talking about this!” Draco matched your tone and volume, getting in your face and under your skin.

“Why did you bring me out here, Draco?” You asked, stepping back and crossing your arms over your chest.

“So we can figure this out,” he said, frustrated, as he ran his hand through his striking platinum blond hair.

“What is there to figure out? Are you going to go tell your mother this isn’t going to happen? That you’d rather be in an arranged marriage with some other pureblood because you don’t like me? You know that isn’t going to happen, Draco. We’d both ought to figure out how to live with this because it isn’t going away.”

“My mother said that I should try and befriend you, that it was my best chance at having a decently happy marriage,” he said under his breath.

His statement caused you to roll your eyes, “Oh well, I’m glad your mother cares about your happiness.”

“What’s with all of the snide remarks about my family?” He asked.

“Do you remember my brother Draco, William?”

“Of course I do, I’m sorry he went the way he did, he was a great man,” he said respectfully

“Yes, a great man who was murdered by his Father for ‘betraying his family’ and doing what’s right. William didn’t die from any accident, Draco, my Father killed him,” you said in a flat tone.

“You can’t know that Y/n,” he said, trying to reason his way out of what you were proposing.

“He did it in front of me and my mother, Draco. In the sitting room in the Manor. Why do you think they were so cold at the funeral, why they never speak of him, why he disappeared from the family tree and every single family portrait? He made the wrong choice, he was a stain on the family image, and he had to be removed. They won’t be afraid of doing that do me.” Red hot tears were leaking from your eyes, not from fear but from frustration. Frustration and anger that Draco couldn’t understand. With that, you pulled off your robe, letting it drop onto the grass below, your red and gold tie following along, and started unbuttoning your shirt.

“Woah, Y/n, what are you doing?” Draco asked, startled by you stripping right outside of the castle.

You pulled your shirt off and turned around, revealing a myriad of scars. Some were clearly fresh, the skin raised, red and angry, while others could have been there for years as they had started resting into your skin, some even beginning to fade. Only Hermione and William had seen them. Harry and Ron knew of them, and your parents had created them. You never planned on showing your scars to Draco Malfoy, especially not now. But you were compelled to prove a point, to show him what they put you through every day, so, here you were, with your arms over your chest and your bareback to Draco Malfoy. 

You could feel his eyes scanning your back, and it was so quiet you could nearly hear his thoughts, “Y/n put this on,” he said after a long moment, tossing you his Slytherin jumper, and picking up your school robes off of the ground.

You caught it and threw it on over your head, turning back to face him. The two of you were closer, and this time when he put his hand on your arm, it wasn’t out of malice, you could even describe it as gentle.

“I’m sorry, alright? I’m still in shock, and, well, Y/n, you’re not the only one with scars, okay? Now we’re going to make this work. For both of our sakes, I don’t know what that means right now, but I’m sure we’ll figure it out, anyways I-” He stopped as if he was censoring himself.

“You what? Draco?” You had no clue why he suddenly stopped.

“Nothing, just nothing, okay?” He was hiding something

“Alright,” you said, not wanting to push things

“Now, did your letter say anything about the winter holiday?” He asked, starting to walk back towards the castle, indicating for you to join him.

“Just that I’m expected home,” you answered.

-

“I showed him the scars,” you said to Hermione, sitting on her bed in your dorm room.

It wasn’t until after dinner that you had the opportunity to tell your best friend everything. After your walk with Draco ended, you had potions, after which came DADA, and so on. You hadn’t the opportunity to even think about the tumultuous morning.

“How’d he react?” She asked, utterly shocked.

“I honestly don’t know, the whole thing was so weird. He was almost kind about it, it was like speaking to a different person,” you said.

“It didn’t look that way when the two of you left breakfast,” she said, referencing his tight grip.

“He was confused like I was, we both got vague letters deciding our fates.”

“Don’t start making excuses for him Y/n,” Hermione shook her head. “He didn’t just change overnight, and he clearly wasn’t being all that nice.”

“Of course! I’m not trying to make excuses, but Hermione, the whole interaction was so different, I don’t know what to think.”

She nodded, “I’m sorry, I’m just worried for you.”

You appreciated the concern and nodded. “Thank you, and I’m worried as well, I just don’t know what for yet.”

“Of course, I’m really sorry that this is how the year is starting.”

“Hey, it isn’t us if it’s an easy term,” you said in an attempt to lighten the mood.

“That’s true,” she said and smiled, sadness still lacing her voice.

“I’ll be alright, Hermione, I promise.”

“I’m going to hold you to that, alright?”

“Yes, ma’am,” you said as she pulled you into a tight hug.

-

Draco had always known he’d end up in an arranged marriage of sorts, but he always assumed he’d have some say or warning. However, that morning his family owl arrived with news he hadn’t expected. At the head of the Slytherin table, Draco had the privacy to read the letter without bother.

Dearest Draco,

I know that this feels sudden, but your Father and I have news.

We have been corresponding with the Y/l/n family for some time now, and have come to the agreement that you and Y/n Y/l/n shall be married next summer. Y/n is in your year, I am sure you know her. She may not have the best history, but she comes from an important family in favor of the Dark Lord. This marriage will hopefully prove advantageous for your Father, and for yourself. The Dark Lord himself has approved it.

As your Father says, ‘Being a Malfoy means power, a power that needs to be cultivated, and strengthened with every generation.’ This, Draco, is part of your duty as a Malfoy.

While arranged marriages feel antiquated and stuffy, I admit they do not have to be loveless. Y/n is a passionate young woman, and should you put the effort in, I am sure the two of you could grow close. I would recommend befriending her and getting to know her before the wedding. That is your best chance at a loving marriage.

We shall be spending Winter Holiday at Malfoy Manor with the Y/l/n’s planning the wedding, so please do not make other plans.

Love,

Mother

Draco had to read the letter three times to even begin to understand the sharp turn his life just took, the change that took place with only one letter.

“Dray!” Pansy’s shrill voice cut through his thoughts. “What’re you reading, baby?”

“One, my private affairs are none of your business Parkinson. Two, and we have talked about this, we are not together. Understood?” His words cut her, as they were intended. With that, he rose from his seat and scanned the Gryffindor to find you. Of course, you were with Potter, Granger, and Weasley, you always were. It’s like the four of you were attached at the hip. Without a second look to his housemates and friends, he made his way over to you.

-

Draco always knew your family was far from kind, but he never knew your Father was cruel enough to kill his own son. The scars on your back, the ones that matched his, jabbed at the soft spot in his heart for you. The soft spot that had has always been there. Memories of you surfaced as he thought of the scars racing around your back. Being young and running around the gardens at Malfoy Manor, desperately dodging the peacocks who were not afraid to bite. Seeing you at society events with your Father’s iron grip on your shoulder, and a corset tied far too tightly. The dark bags steadily under William’s eyes despite his cheery demeanor, and his overprotective glance that was always on you. The shift in your posture when any authority figure entered the room or how you would wince at sudden movements or sharp noises. It all suddenly made sense, and Draco’s little crush on you grew even more. He also abruptly had an instinct to protect you and care for you.

At the same time, he knew the two of you disagreed, that you wanted out of the blood-purity culture entirely, that you had far more radical ideas than he, and that the two of you respectfully surrounded yourself with very different people. Your heart was kinder than his; the abuse you’d gone through strengthened you, while it beat him into submission.

Instead of reaching out with love and kindness, Draco did precisely what was done to him. He bullied and hurt people who he was taught were lesser than him. He became a Death Eater, and he would soon be a murderer.

Part 2 - The Red Bottle

[comicteaparty]

February 10th-February 16th, 2020 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party week long chat that occurred from February 10th, 2020 to February 16th, 2020.  The chat focused on Betrayal by Alex Lewis.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

Comic Tea Party

BOOK CLUB START!

Hello and welcome everyone to Comic Tea Party’s Book Club~! This week we’ll be focusing on Betrayal by Alex Lewis~! (https://alexmakescomics.com/betrayal/)

You are free to read and comment about the comic all week at your own pace until February 16th, so stop on by whenever it suits your schedule! Discussions are freeform, but we do offer discussion prompts in the pins for those who’d like to have them. Additionally, remember that while constructive criticism is allowed, our focus is to have fun and appreciate the comic! Whether you finish the comic or can only read a few pages, everyone is welcome to join and chat with us!

DISCUSSION PROMPTS – PART 1

1. What did you like about the beginning of the comic?

2. What has been your favorite moment in the comic (so far)?

3. Who is your favorite character?

4. Which characters do like seeing interact the most?

5. What is something you like about the art? If you have a favorite illustration, please share it!

6. What is a theme you like that the comic explores?

7. What do you like about the comic’s story or overall related content? 8. Overall, what do you think the comic’s strengths are?

Don’t feel inspired by the prompts? Feel free to discuss anything else that interested you!

Delphina

Just finished reading! I really found the part with Aune's "book of secrets" such a heartbreaking sequence. Alex using the blue pen kind of reinforces the themes of differentness and being an outsider not only in her outside world, but even just in the context of being honest about her own feelings. https://alexmakescomics.com/2019/06/07/chapter-six/

I also really felt for her in Chapter 8, when talking about her relationship with Aune and saying "the more time I spent with her, the more of myself I lost trying to keep up with her. It didn't matter to me at all. I liked myself better when I was with her." Just again, this theme of finding something to define herself when she'd been adrift, but not always in an honest or healthy way. https://alexmakescomics.com/2019/08/11/chapter-eight/

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

I like the art style - it's very unique!

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

I like the way the comic ends on sort of an open-ended note. It's not very often that we get completed comics here on CTP, and I think this comic's ending is weirdly satisfying in its incompleteness. Like we don't know whether Aune and Alex make up, but we know that they're both open to it, y'know? I also looked into the Harold Pinter play Betrayal (which this comic is partially based off), and it's pretty interesting the ways they're similar and different. Like the story regards a group of friends and their romantic relationships (and them betraying each other, of course), but the main group of characters is two girls and one boy rather than two men and one woman. I'm curious how many of the changes are due to it being partially a memoir of the author's life and how many are the result of just creating an interesting fictional story about high schoolers.

I also really like the comic's use of flashbacks to tell Alex's story - flashing back to her childhood contextualizes her experiences as a highschooler really well.

RebelVampire

I really like in general how the story is told with a non-linear timeline. Not a lot of stories can actually pull them off successfully, because you run a high risk of confusing the audience. However, despite this one time jumping around a lot, it was never confusing. I think I chalk this up to the fact that the focus on the comic is not the plot itself but the relationships. So you don't need to know the timeline exactly to be able to empathize, experience, and understand what is going on in the relationships. So this is something I really enjoy about the comic. I really love non-linear when it's done well, and this is done well in that regard.

What I enjoy about the beginning of the comic is just how damn awkward everything is. Like, everything about their interactions is exactly why ill never go to a high school reunion. Cause there's this expectation to be super impressed with ppl (hence shallow comments) while also being a mind reader (like knowing someone doesnt go by an old name anymore). It's embarrassing and horrible and the comic really hit at some of my deeper social anxieties that while I've grown from, never will quite be gone. So bravo for making benign horror XD(edited)

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Woah, I was not expecting to read a completed comic here! That was a nice change of pace. I really agree with the people praising the non-linear timeline. Using a highschool reunion as a framing device was an excellent decision

I wonder if the main character was gay or asexual?

Alex_makes_comics

Hello, I'm Alex. I made this comic - and I'm crying reading your comments. I've never had people review this book before. Some of the chapters only had about two views before this week so... This is very big for me. Hooboy. In answer to ongoing questions: changes to the Betrayal script from Harold Pinter's play were made to make it fit my experiences. The play is always a question of who is betraying who in a toxic love triangle. It's a jumping off point for me to talk about my memories. I went to see it and it hit a chord, after which I immediately sat down and wrote this. I love how the title of the play conceals who is betraying who: betrayal is a flexible concept. Hiding behind Pinter's words meanwhile ,when I have to, makes it easier to share my memories with others without self censoring. I am always terrified of people I know reading this book! In answer to the question of orientation, I'm bisexual if that helps anyone

RebelVampire

My favorite moment in the comic I would say is the ending. I like that it's open-ended and that there's no clear leaning one way or another. It's kind of up to the reader to judge the events they just saw. Not to mention, I feel the open-ending nature fits the mood of the comic in that relationships aren't straight forward and constantly in a flux. So having the ending be not entirely clear suits that well. As for a favorite character, I'm honestly not sure I could pick one in this case. Everyone is so human and I feel like picking a favorite would kind of be like picking a side. Or kind of like your friends trying to ask you to rank them in terms of how much you like them. That would be a challenge I'm not up for in this case. As for interactions, definitely Alex and Aune. The relationship there is fascinating from the way the story is told, so I'm never quite sure what to make of it, especially when knowing how the relationship sours. And since its through their interactions we get to know Aune, it almost feels like a character study in a way whenever the two interact.

Before I blather too much in one day, one thing I like about the comic is how different the kid versions of the characters look as opposed to the adults. I feel it's more true to life since a lot of adults do change a ton from how they looked at kids. So while theres definitely similarities, the age progression just felt really natural.

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I agree with what Rebel said about the age progression feeling natural. If I could describe this comic in one word, I would maybe choose "realistic."

It does a great job of protraying that feeling of growing up and leaving things behind

Emotions and drama that feel so important as a child and as a high schooler turn out to really not matter that much at all

Comic Tea Party

DISCUSSION PROMPTS – PART 2

9. Given the story’s title, in what ways do we see betrayal throughout the story, and which moment stuck out to you the most regarding the subject? What can be learned from the story in regards to dealing with it?

10. What do you think the story can teach us regarding the nature of relationships and how they change as we grow older? In what ways do these events perhaps relate to your own life or what about the storytelling makes them relatable in general?

11. What do you think the story has to say about growing up in general, both in regards to how we change and how the people around us change? If applicable, why do you think coming of age stories like this are important?

12. How do you interpret the end of chapter 10 where Alex and Aune finally interact? What do you think each character is feeling? Overall, do you think their relationship can be repaired after the damage is done?

Don’t feel inspired by the prompts? Feel free to discuss anything else that interested you!

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

12) i didbt read the ending as starting to repair a relationship. I saw it as leaving your past behind. Also she doesn't seem to understand the damage she did to their relationship, so i don't think the main character would want to reconnect

Kabocha

Oh, dang. So I just binged the entirety of this comic, and there's something about this that feels a little... close to home, I guess? I really empathize with Alex -- the feeling of having someone who you love just kind of up and ditch you like that... That hurts. Granted, her situation was a bit more complicated, but... hhh. I think at best, she might go the route of wanting to be friendly with Aune later, but it just isn't gonna work out. That pain still exists, and even if Aune is past it, Alex pretty clearly isn't. And I think it's understandable. It's not a grudge, but more like that kind of awkward avoidance because you don't wanna get hurt again. just... aaaaaaaaaa. This was a very good read. Thank you @Alex_makes_comics.

RebelVampire

I do think what @Eightfish (Puppeteer) touched onto is the comic's strength: realism. Every event in this comic is so relateable since I think everyone can say they've at least been in a similar situation at least one of those times. So it forms a real connection with the reader so easily, thus allowing it to pull on the heart strings. Let's talk about themes and stuff though! So for in regards to betrayal, the moment that stuck out to me the most was the classroom convo between Alex and Aune where Aune is kind of distant and doesn't seem to really like anyone anymore and wants Alex to do break up dirty work. The reason this stuck with me is you can so clearly see it as a betrayal, and yet at the same time, it's such a benign thing. Like nobody is being literally stabbed in the back, nobody is having money stolen, no one is stealing anybody's lover. It's just...distance and a friendship falling apart for various reasons. Which I think is really the sad part. Since rather than dealing with betrayal, I think this story shows the many different forms it can take. And that sometimes its not this overdramatic thing. Sometimes its a slow burn that just singes for hours and hours.

However, I do like the story's maturity in that it shows us relationships are hard and need active maintenance. Cause without that, they fall apart. Additionally, as we grow older, its sad but common place friendships wont last. People change all the times, especially interests. So in the end those changes will drive people apart. At the very least I certainly haven't talked to my high school friends in years since many of them moved, got married, had kids, etc. Even during high school I had friends drift away. And I think these are pretty universal experiences, which is what I think makes the storytelling as relateable as it is.

As for the end, I kind of interpret it as "not ready." From the expressions, I think both Alex and Aune clearly felt awkward. Like the elephant in the room. They both wanted to talk about it seriously, but also both didn't want to talk about it. Too many feelings still fresh, coupled with maybe not enough desire to fix everything yet. So while I do believe most relationships can be repaired given time and effort, both parties need to be ready. And I just don't see that happening yet from how things ended.

Comic Tea Party

DISCUSSION PROMPTS – PART 3

13. What are you most looking forward to seeing in regards to the comic?

14. Any final words of encouragement for the comic?

Don’t feel inspired by the prompts? Feel free to discuss anything else that interested you!

Kabocha

As I said before, I'm really glad I read this. It felt very personal, and it was kinda cathartic to read! It also was kind of nice to see someone else kinda express the awkwardness of meeting again with someone who you felt hurt by. And just... Yeah. Thank you for this comic.

Alex_makes_comics

Hi, Everybody. I'm not sure if this is the last day of Betrayal book club, or if tomorrow counts still, but I wanted to use this opportunity to thank everyone for reading and engaging with my work, before you start on the next webcomic. I have never been through a process like this. Most of the time, I make comics and release them into the internet, never to be seen again. It's a long and lonely process, full of self questioning and self doubt. You've all really restored my confidence. Just knowing that you read and genuinely got what I was trying to achieve is amazing. I was worried about the ending of chapter 11, that it might put readers off, but seeing you all bouncing ideas off each other about "will they"/ "won't they" get back together reassures me that I did the right thing. This was my first completed graphic novel,and I have learned a bit since making it. I am currently working on draft 2, which involves a full redraw. I have about half of the book done. The redraw is going to be 30% more cartoony in style, to give the book a clearer aesthetic. I am aiming for stronger lines and colour themes. I'm also adding new pages throughout. Part of this is to have Aune more visible in the background of scenes between Alex and Jonas, because they're all in one school: you can't avoid people completely in these situations. I'm also making some of the school scenes noisier to play on the "benign horror" elements - thank you for this term, Rebel Vampire! My goal is to redraw everything, update the website, then print a small batch to sell at cons. If anything bugged you about the current draft that you think I have to know, you are more than welcome to tell me. Otherwise, in case you want to know when the new version is out, I have a mailing list here: https://mailchi.mp/e64c62c2d202/alexmakescomics Thank you again for everything. You really don't know how much you've helped me these two weeks. It's been mind blowing.

RebelVampire

What I'm most looking forward to seeing in regards to the comic is just more people finding it. It's a really touching, raw, and personally gripping story. Not only is the storytelling well-done with its use of time, but just overall, its one of the few stories where I can actually say it really got me thinking about life, relationships, and other things. And not a lot of comics can do that.

Comic Tea Party

BOOK CLUB END!

Thank you everyone so much for reading and chatting about Betrayal this week! Please also give a special thank you to Alex Lewis for volunteering the comic and creating it! If you liked Betrayal, make sure to continue to support it via some of the links below!

Read and Comment: https://alexmakescomics.com/betrayal/

Alex’s Twitter: https://twitter.com/alexmakescomics

[botanistlester]

Sweet Pea (16/34)

Summary: A nickname that goes bitter in your mouth. Cries for help that no one listens to. Gentle hands that make you quake on the ground you’re standing on. When Phil first met Nico, he thought he was a gift from the heavens. But behind the mask lies something daunting, something unnerving, that Phil never foresaw. Through his journey, he finds solace in Dan, the regular at his workplace, who seems to be the only one who sees through Nico’s mask to the darkness underneath. Warnings: Abusive relationship, violence A/N: warnings for this fic include slight dissociation. thanks to @snowbunnylesterfor editing this for me! The lyrics at the beginning of this fic are from the song Same Logic/Teeth by Brand New!

I have started a patreon account for those of you who would like to support me and my writing endeavors! You can find my patreon account here, and also find more information about perks of this here!

Previous | Masterlist

Read it on AO3 Read it on Wattpad

-

Chapter Sixteen

You've got your kind of brand new face on, where all the skin's pulled thin and taut, and every kid you see starts crying so you stop going out for walks.

-

After the policemen left, dragging Nico out of the flat with them, that was when Phil truly shut down. He had already been feeling rather numb lately, but now he was more comatose than anything. He didn’t speak and didn’t move, not unless Dan physically forced him to.

He had no sense of time whatsoever. It could have been two in the afternoon, or four in the morning, and he would have no idea. He was stuck in his head, an empty shell of nothingness, and Dan was left to pick up the pieces.

So when the flat cleared and nobody remained but Dan and Phil, Dan sat down next to Phil where he had collapsed on the floor. He rested one hand on the small of Phil’s back, and another on Phil’s knee, rubbing soothing circles with his thumb.

“I won’t ask you if you’re okay, because I think that’s inappropriate right now,” Dan murmured, his voice soft and welcoming and obviously an attempt to make Phil calmer. “But is there anything I can do to help make you feel a little bit better?”

Phil didn’t shake his head no, even though he wanted to. He didn’t shake his head yes for that matter either. Instead, he stayed still, his arms wrapped around his legs and his head in his knees. He wasn’t crying anymore - that had stopped halfway through his time with the police officers - but he still felt as though he needed to cry, like there was a huge weight on his chest that made it hard for him to breathe. He closed his eyes and breathed out through his mouth. For once, he wished that he didn't have to deal with living anymore.

Dan sat with him for a while, just rubbing his back and speaking soothing words into his ear. He talked about how he was there for Phil no matter what, about how Phil was such a strong person, about how Phil could get through anything. Phil didn’t think he could. He didn’t know how he was going to get through something that had ripped him apart, bit by bit until there was nothing left that remained.

It was just a breakup, for God’s sake. Phil should be able to handle it. So what if it had been a bad breakup? People dealt with that sort of thing all the time. He wasn’t special and he certainly had it better than a lot of people. He felt as though he had no right to be feeling like this.

He expressed this to Dan in a soft voice, and Dan made a noise in the back of his throat that sounded like a whine. It was strange, but Phil didn’t question it.

“Just because other people might have it worse than you doesn’t mean your emotions aren’t valid or that you shouldn’t be feeling a certain way,” Dan told him. “You’re allowed to be upset. I’d be more worried if you weren’t upset after the abuse you’ve endured.”

There was that word again. Abuse. A word that had been thrown around during the night like it was nothing, like it actually applied to Phil’s life. Lies, lies, lies. Phil hadn’t been abused.

He hadn’t been hit all the time, and he and Nico had hardly even fought when they were together.

“I wasn’t abused,” Phil said firmly, as firmly as he could when he had his head buried in his knees. “He only hit me once, and that hardly counts as anything. We had a good relationship, and he made me happier than I’d been in a long time.” It wasn’t exactly a lie.

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of,” Dan tried again, and if Phil weren’t so exhausted, he would have pushed Dan off of him and commanded him to leave. The only reason he didn’t do so was because he was actually more terrified to be by himself right then. “You know, about one in six men experience domestic abuse in their lifetime.”

“I’m not a fucking statistic, Dan,” Phil hissed, lifting his head so he could shoot his best friend a glare. “I wasn’t abused, end of story. Conversation over. Now can you please just- just stop making me feel worse, already?”

Dan wasn’t perfect, and Phil realised that. Sometimes Dan didn’t know when to shut up. He talked too much about things that could be upsetting to other people, and he didn’t really have a censor when it came to speaking. When that happened, all he needed was a gentle reminder that some things were better left unsaid, and he would go apologising until everything was fixed once more.

“Sorry,” Dan apologised, just as Phil had assumed he would. “I wish I could just castrate that wanker for what he’s done to you.”

“Can- can we stop talking about him? I want to forget about him.”

Dan nodded and changed the subject. He started talking about everything he did when Phil hadn’t been talking to him. He mentioned that he had seen Jane and Charlie in the store, and how Jane had realised he had dimples. She had apparently then proceeded to coo and pinch his cheeks like an old grandma, and the story didn’t make Phil laugh, but it made him distracted enough to forget about his swollen eyes for a moment.

After a while, Phil stopped talking again. He’d reached his maximum speaking quota for the day, and instead withdrew into himself. He became distracted and distant once more until Dan had to force him into the kitchen where he shoved a bowl of cereal into Phil’s hands and made him eat two bowls. That amount of food made Phil feel a bit nauseous, but he swallowed it down anyway because he didn’t know what else to do.

Dan tried to talk to him in hushed tones, like he was telling a secret just to be kept between the two of them, but Phil didn’t bother replying. Instead, he ate mechanically, shoveling the cereal into his mouth even though it tasted like cardboard and didn’t do anything for him. Dan praised him as if he were a dog who didn’t know how to function for itself, which Phil couldn’t be mad about because it was true.

After Dan deemed Phil good to go, he led Phil to the bed and forced him to lay down. Phil complained a bit, but Dan wasn’t having it. He went through his drawers until he found a pair of comfortable shorts and a sleep shirt, and threw both items at Phil. “Sleep for a little,” Dan told him. “Please. You need it.”

Phil’s lip wobbled and he was so pathetic. Apparently break ups made him go back to being a child complaining about nap time. It’s just… he didn’t want to be alone. He didn’t want to have to face what had happened, face the negative thoughts trying to tear him down piece by piece, bit by bit, until there was nothing else left except anxiety and despair. Depressing, yes, but Phil didn’t quite know what to do with himself anymore.

He wanted things to go back to how they had been. He wanted things to go back to the way things were. Back to when he and Nico were inseparable and happy and in love. Back when Chandler was his best friend who hadn’t dare hurt him, who was there for him no matter what, who didn’t fuck his boyfriend as soon as he turned his back. Now the only person he had was Dan, and while he appreciated that, he certainly wished he had his oldest best friend back.

He felt sick to his stomach.

“I need to text her,” Phil said, instead of getting into bed. He stood up and made a beeline for his phone. “I need to know why she did this to me.”

“Woah, woah, woah,” Dan said, interrupting him. He rushed over to Phil and grabbed his arms gently, keeping him from grabbing his phone. “I don’t think that’s such a good idea right now.”

“Well, why the hell not?”

Dan frowned and pushed him backwards gently until he could sit Phil on the bed, never tightening his grip. He was so gentle that Phil nearly burst into tears once more, and he would have, except for the fact that he had already used up all of his tears for the day. “If you talk to Chandler right now, I don’t think it’ll make you feel better. You need to get some rest and then you can talk to her.”

Phil huffed and glared at Dan. He wasn’t a child, damn it. He could make his own decisions. He didn’t need nap time. He needed to know why his best friend had made his boyfriend cheat on him. “I’m not tired,” Phil muttered. “I need to text her.”

He tried to go for his phone again, but once more Dan stopped him. “Phil, please listen to me.” Phil stopped, tried to listen despite how his hands were itching to get on his phone. “If you text her right now, you’ll just get even more upset, and then you won’t be able to rest at all. You need your strength, and texting her isn’t going to solve anything. I can almost guarantee that if you try to confront her right now, you’ll both just end up getting in a huge fight. That’s not something you need right now.”

“But… I need to know why she betrayed me ,” Phil whimpered, looking at Dan with large, watery eyes.”She was supposed to be my best friend…”

“You can find that out tomorrow. Come on, now. Rest a bit.”

Slowly, Phil allowed himself to submit, slumping over in Dan’s arms. Dan caught him, his grip strong, and lowered Phil back onto the bed until he was lying down. Dan then tucked him beneath the covers, smiling gingerly and sadly the whole time. His brown eyes told a story that Phil was too scared to decipher, so he protected himself by snuggling deeper into the duvet and trying to shield himself with the sheets.

He couldn’t sleep right now, though. He was too high on anxiety, too scared to fall asleep. He wanted to curl up next to another person, someone who could protect him and make sure he wasn’t hurt. He watched as Dan turned to slip out of the room. Just as Dan put his hand on the door handle, about to leave, Phil spoke. “Dan?”

Dan hummed, turned and looking at him with a question in his gaze. “Yeah?”

“Can you come lay with me?” The question was out before Phil knew what he was saying, but it was also then that he understood how much he truly needed it . He needed the companionship, the safety. He needed to be wrapped up in strong arms and told that nobody was going to hurt him, that Phil wasn’t alone in all of this.

Dan froze for a moment, his eyes widening. It was so miniscule that Phil barely caught it before Dan seemed to compose himself. “Lay with you?” he asked carefully, taking his hand off of the door handle and turning to face him completely.

Phil nodded. He knew what he had said. “I don’t want to be alone,” he admitted in a small voice, wrapping the blankets closer to him and giving Dan a pleading look.

Dan let out a breath and seemed to deflate a bit. “Whatever you need,” he told Phil, and then walked around the bed to the other side. He gingerly peeled back the covers and climbed inside, but he was as far away from Phil as he could possibly get, nearly falling off the bed.

Phil frowned. “Do you not want to lay with me?” he asked, worried that he was making Dan do something he didn’t want to. “If you’re uncomfortable, you don’t have to be in bed with me. You can sit in my chair or something.”

“No, no, it’s not that,” Dan promised him, and Phil watched as he shook his head, smiling over at him warmly. “I just didn’t want to impose and make you uncomfortable.”

“I’m not uncomfortable,” Phil replied automatically. “Scooch over here a little. I don’t want you falling off the bed.”

The comment made Dan laugh, and he scooted over, closer to Phil. They both grew silent, and Phil stared at the ceiling. He wasn’t very tired. Not physically, at least. He was more mentally tired than anything, the glow in the dark stars on his ceiling burning holes into his eyes.

“I thought we’d be together for longer,” Phil told Dan quietly, his chest squeezing tight. He closed his eyes then, because it was easier to talk when he couldn’t see anything. “We’d complimented each other so well that I could have honestly seen myself marrying the guy. I feel like such a fool. Just a week ago I was telling everybody how in love I was, and now I’ve ruined the best relationship I’ve ever been in.”

Dan hummed and moved a little bit closer to Phil. Phil felt a warmth on his hand and realised that Dan was now holding it very loosely, giving him a light squeeze. It was just a gesture to show that Dan was there for him, that he supported Phil no matter what. Phil appreciated it, even though he didn’t think he deserved it.

“You’re not a fool, Phil,” Dan told him firmly. He rubbed his thumb along Phil’s index finger. “And you certainly didn’t ruin things. If anything, it was Nico who ruined your relationship. He didn’t treat you right in the slightest. You deserve better than him.”

Phil shook his head. “No, you don’t understand,” Phil protested. “I did deserve that. I made him uncomfortable multiple times, and I went behind his back and texted you even though he didn’t like it. I told him that I was studying when I was really hanging out with you. He didn’t even know you existed until he saw you the other night.” Phil laughed bitterly, shaking his head. His eyes were burning with tears again, but he didn't deserve to be so upset. “I fucking deserved this. And frankly, he should have dumped my ass sooner because he deserves someone way better than me.”

“I disagree with that statement,” Dan interjected softly. Phil didn’t open his eyes, but he was sure Dan had a sad expression on his face. Dan was too good to be true. “Have you ever thought that there’s a reason you didn’t tell him? When I saw you at the party that night, he was really angry about me talking to you. Irrationally so. He grabbed you so hard that he left bruises on your wrist. That’s not normal, Phil, and you definitely deserve better than that.”

Phil shook his head. He felt bitter, his mouth dry, his eyes wet. He couldn’t agree with that, because Dan didn’t understand. Dan wasn’t there. He didn’t know just how horrible Phil actually was. “Agree to disagree,” Phil said flatly.

Dan sighed and squeezed Phil’s hand tightly once more before letting go. “Fine. But I’ll be trying my damnedest to make sure you believe me eventually.”

Phil didn’t answer. He had no more words left to say. So he said nothing instead.

That night, he didn’t sleep well once again. He feigned sleep for a long time, until he was absolutely sure that Dan was unconscious. The weird thing about Dan was that he didn’t make any noise while he was sleeping. He didn’t move, didn’t snore, didn’t make a peep. So Phil waited for what seemed like hours until he was positive Dan wasn’t awake.

Then, he reached over and grabbed his phone. He hadn’t looked at it since that afternoon, but it was surprisingly empty. He didn’t understand the lack of messages until he realised it was because Nico hadn’t texted him, but then it only made his chest ache with grief.

He had only three text messages. One from Jane, one from his mum, and one from Chandler. Chandler’s name made Phil’s stomach drop to his knees, and he took a few deep breaths to ground himself.

He checked his mum’s message first, because that was the least scary out of all three of them.

Mum - 5:55pm

Hope you made it home okay! I love you!

He sent her a few heart emojis and a declaration of love before moving onto Jane’s message. It wasn’t nearly as scary as he’d thought it’d be, and he let out a breath.

Jane Mckinnon - 6:34pm

Hi bby i havent heard from you in a while. Hope youre okay? Come to eat with charlie and i soon xx

He didn’t answer to that, deciding to do so tomorrow. He was too nervous to reply anyway, the anxiety for Chandler’s message choking him up and making it hard for him to breathe. He should have read it first, left the others for last, for comfort. Before Phil could make himself delete Chandler’s message, he opened it with shaking fingers.

Immediately, he almost threw up once more.

Chandler Jones - 7:12pm

Do you really think he ever loved you? You were just some toy to him and you took advantage of him. Youll be happy to know that he made love to me just last night.

Phil shut his phone off and set it down on the table a little bit too hard. It made Dan twitch in his sleep, but he still didn’t wake up. For that, Phil didn’t know if he was upset or glad.

He stared at the stars on his ceiling a bit more. He stared until his eyes hurt from not blinking. Then he rolled out of bed, wiped an angry hand across his face, and escaped the room as quietly as possible.

He felt as though he weren’t a real person. It was the strangest feeling, like he wasn’t really a part of himself anymore. His vision was a bit fuzzy, almost like he were on drugs, and he had trouble walking straight. He felt his feet padding across the floor, but it didn’t really feel like he was actually walking.

Everything was robotic. He could feel things touching him, but they felt dulled to the point where he could barely feel his shirt hanging from his collarbones or his trousers resting against his legs. When he moved his fingers, his hands felt like they were a separate entity completely, like they were a hundred miles away from him.

He barely noticed when he got to the bathroom. He turned on the tap water. He cupped his hands under the stream and splashed it on his face. A little bit of water got in his nose and he spluttered, sneezed, but he didn’t really feel it. He turned the water off and grabbed a towel, drying his face off.

He met his own gaze in his reflection. He didn’t recognise himself in the slightest.

His eyes were rimmed with red and his cheeks were slightly puffier than usual. He had metal through his nose and his fringe was sticking up all over the place. His skin was so pale that he looked slightly blue. And his eyes…

Well, they were empty. Devoid of emotion. Completely and utterly soulless.

He couldn’t even bring himself to care anymore.

Phil smiled bitterly, and his reflection followed suit, his lips chapped and cracked. He had a gash in his lip from where Nico’s teeth had torn it open, a fading yellow bruise on his cheek, the only splash of colour against his pale complexion. He touched his face, prodded at his red eyes, pulled at his lip until it was bleeding again. It didn’t hurt, and he didn’t feel it as blood began to drip down his chin.

He watched with curious eyes as the red slithered down his skin like a snake, staining him with the colour of hatred. Red against white was such a beautiful sight.

“Phil?”

Phil jumped, snapping out of his trance and whirling around. He found Dan standing in the doorway of the bathroom, his hair curly and mimicking Phil’s in the way that it stuck up in random places. His eyes were tired, filled with sleepiness, and they were slightly purple underneath.

Dan cocked his head to the side, his eyes landing on Phil’s bleeding lip. “Oh dear,” he murmured. “Let’s get you all cleaned up.”

Phil let Dan sit him down on the toilet, let him bring a wet washcloth to his lip to wipe off the blood. It didn’t take long at all to clean up, and they didn’t speak the whole time.

Only when Dan had finished did he speak up. “Why are you still up?”

Phil shrugged. He still felt very far away, and he didn’t feel like talking.

“Did you read your texts?” Phil nodded. Dan frowned. “Bad?” Phil nodded. Dan sighed. “You doing okay?”

This time, Phil paused. Was he doing okay? He wasn’t crying, that was a good sign, but then again, he didn’t actually feel anything at all. That probably wasn’t good.

Slowly, Phil shook his head.

Dan’s frown deepened so much that his dimples popped up in his cheeks. His forehead got wrinkles in it and his eyebrows furrowed. He gently stood Phil up and started to lead him back to the bedroom. “How about I read to you and you try to fall asleep? Will that make you feel better?”

Phil nodded, and Dan let out a relieved exhale. It felt all too repetitive. Dan would make sure Phil was okay, then he would take Phil to bed and tuck him in and force him to sleep. Phil wouldn’t be able to sleep though, no matter how tired he might be.

This time, however, Dan didn’t join him immediately after tucking Phil in. This time, he scoured Phil’s bookcase, his eyes carefully surveying the spines of Phil’s favourite books. He pulled out a couple, showing them to Phil. Impulse? No. Even the thought of the book made him sick to his stomach. Bad Feminist? No, too scholarly.

They eventually settled on The Graveyard Book because Phil reckoned he could use some fantasy in his life, even if it was children’s literature. Phil kept himself tucked under the covers, using his blanket as a shield, while Dan sat on the edge of the bed. Phil watched through half-lidded eyes as Dan opened the book and cleared his throat, smoothing down the pages with long, slender fingers.

He began reading, telling the story of a boy named Bod who was raised by ghosts and other creatures, becoming the only living resident in a cemetery. It was peaceful, and Dan had such a nice reading voice. He truly made the characters come to life, and wasn’t speaking in monotone, but rather one filled with energy despite it being so early in the morning. The only thing Phil liked better than Dan’s reading voice was his ability to play the piano.

He’d have to remember that for another day.

Soon enough, Phil felt his eyes began to droop. He hadn’t thought he was tired, but suddenly, he was exhausted. There was an ache in his head and his eyes were straining in the dim lighting. He didn’t want to close his eyes because the only thing he could see was green, but alas, it was inevitable.

With Dan’s reading, Phil was able to forget about the colour green. He was able to focus on something other than the numbness in his chest that spread all the way to his fingertips. He could even nearly forget about all of the events from the last four days, no matter how ingrained into his head they were.

He fell asleep to the sound of Dan’s voice. His sleep wasn’t very pleasant, but he was mostly relieved that he was able to sleep in the first place.

Because when he slept, he didn’t have to worry about feeling anything at all.

Chapter Seventeen