#wna rant about a bitch? come over

[kysvn]

guys btw u are all my best friends

[kyandice]

Bitch I feel so damn alone.

I need to rant and like writing this here isn’t gonna work. Because I feel relieved if people know what I’m going thru. Like it feels like at least someone (I KNOW, NOT STRANGERS) UNDERSTANDS. As much as I trust strangers with my secrets more cuz duh they don’t even know me. It’s always better when someone actually asks me how I’m doing or ask me to rant to out all on them.

My problems doesn’t sound big or anything. It’s the worrying and over thinking part that makes me batshit crazy.

I just need someone to talk to and like I only have Darius and Josh to talk too. And they are all guys I just want a girl I can talk too. But like all my girl friends are like just… I’m just not that comfortable with them yet. I just feel like, they’re a little too judgey more me still. Like for Shannon and Elizabeth and jiaqi they will listen to my crazy parents problems or my studies problems. But once I have other problems I don’t know how to say it too them.

For me, I just bottle up every worries or insecurities I have. I just want to spill it all out. I feel much better. And like every time I talk to:

Tze wan she understands me and everything. But she will start talking about her problems. Tbh, I don’t mind if you start talking about your problems. Really. But what she does is, she goes on and on saying how I shouldn’t be worried or anything cuz she has it worst. And I’m like, my dad will cane me I’m just so scared. And she’ll be like, aiya don’t scared la that one nothing, you know horh my dad horh he molest and abuse me and blah blah blah. Yes yes Ik her problems are worst but she doesn’t have to ignore that I’m worrying. I rlly don’t mind her talking only about her problems but what she does it dismiss my worries cuz my problems aren’t as scary as hers.

Josh is like really nice he always listens to all my troubles and he tried to cover me when my dad asks about my whereabouts. And he helps me a lot with my studies and like literally so much. But his gf cheated on him he’s taking it really bad the whole thing is so complicated and like I really don’t wna like seem like it ALL ABOUT MY PROBLEMs. so smtimes I rant he listens, but smtimes he just seem uninterested so yeah. But im listening to his problems too giving him advices and shit. We give each other advices and I told him not to fuck around anymore cuz that’s like really hurtful to another person and he just got cheated it’s kinda karma.

Darius is just. Uninterested. Cuz he has his problems to worry. I just rant to him when I have no one. Haha.

And for Bryan. my Gosh. He’s just one of my biggest worries. He has. A big big big big set of problems to worry. And. I just don’t wna burden him with my problems. So it’s like I don’t go to him much for emotional support and it’s just kinda sad. Like he’s supposed to be the one listening. But I don’t want go to him cuz he’s just going thru SO MUCH. And we are both busy with our lives. My finals coming up and he’s has work. So we cant meet up ask much. And whenever we meet up, it will be pretty long and of course both of us will be like craving sex for the longest time. And what do we do? We spend that time fucking. And it’s like sad. Cuz it seems like he isn’t there for me and I’m not there for him. We are like tgt just for sex. Like we know we are here for each other. But I don’t wna burden him by talking Bout my problems. And he hates thinking about his problems and talking about it. So it feels like I can’t be there for him. And we don’t text much either. Cuz he’ll be busy with games where he can escape reality and yeah. I just wna spend some quality time with him. Even if it’s just meeting him for a few seconds to just hug and talk for a little I just want that. I mean till today, he never has once asked about my day or how I’m doing or how was school. It’s always me who has to ask him if I can rant. Or me who’s always been asking how he’s doing and how is work. But he always say it’s fine and doesnt seemed to go much into details. We argued. Cuz I just wanted him to tell me more. Like yeah Ik he’s not fine but I want to know how he’s feeling like is he scared or insecure, yes I know that, but I thought if he ranted it, he will feel better. So I forced it out of him. Turns out he doesn’t like talking about his emotions and feelings cuz that’s what guys do. I just wna be there for him, but I don’t know how. I just can’t be there for him when he needs sex (Or when I need) only right? And he was like: what if I only love you for sex. And I was like that’s how u feel and he didn’t give me a proper answer so.. If that’s how he feel then. We are doing this all so wrong. But I can see he cares about me. He wants to take me to a nice restaurant when he’s getting his pay. Yeah that’s all. So we don’t talk. Yeah we do some catch ups here and there about our friends and his work. But that’s not the real talk yaknow. I can do this small talk with anyone. He hardly shows me his emotions and he still is a little insecure towards me. He doesn’t give me photos of him. He hates it when I secretly take photos of him. He hates taking pictures tgt. I just want him to rant everything to me and be brutally honest with his feelings and emotions. But whenever I asks him, it always seem to him that I’m invading his personal space, me being controlling and possessive as i want to know everything. He gave me the “space” word and like any other girls who would ever hear this, we then deadass crazy paranoid. I worried for 2 weeks. He didn’t talk to me, was always annoyed and angry at me and i was just so scared. I didn’t dare to text him. But everyday I go without texting him, i start to worry more. So me being the crazy girl went to find him at work everyday. But like secretly watching him from a blind spot making sure he’s all okay and fine. But it’s over, he says he was kinda sorry for neglecting me. But now, im just giving him the space he wants. He finally asked me to meet up.but we both decided to use that time for sex so yeah. Sex was good and we cuddled but like the pillowtalk after all the MAJOR EXPLOSIONS is where Bryan is most emotionally vulnerable. So its the only time i can do the real talk with him. But it sucks. That it doesnt feel like we are tgt. But more like fuck buddies. I just want to meet him more be involved with his life more. But he feels its intrusive and oh well, im busy with finals too and i have crazy parents who dont allow me to stay later than 7pm.

I’ve decided, I’ll join the police force no matter what.

Things I need to find out is:

How to become a k9 officer.

Is the salary stable enough to get me a house by 25 years old?

Is promotion and increment of salary slow???

And like I wna get married as soon as possible and get a bto and yeahhh. I just want to settle down as fast as possible. Get a stable income, get married get a house.

“Oh these times are hard,

Yeah, they’re making us crazy

Don’t give up on me baby”