#witnessing the breakdown of a friend after a breakup

[random-kido]

Uh-oh someone just realized how co dependent their teammate was of their roommate

[cntloup]

toji x fem!reader

angst, bold italics indicate flashbacks, parenthesis are the character's thoughts

this pic of him makes me sooo 😵‍💫🥵

if anyone knows the artist, please let me know 🙏🫶

it's a saturday night and you've been invited to a ball tonight by your close friend, shiu.

you thought what would be better than to unwind with some friends after a long week. what you didn't think would happen was to see him.

you mentally curse shiu for not mentioning anything about him coming here. you thought it was a given that he wouldn't invite both of you.

you spent months crying, trying to get over that guy. and now, he's standing right in front of you, looking dashing as ever, in a suit no less.

you suddenly feel nauseous, as if all the emotions you thought were gone kept rushing back to you.

"you'll have to excuse me..." you mutter lowly to shiu who was just about to introduce you to some clients as you ignore him calling out your name and quickly walk out of the venue, mustering all your power to keep yourself from having a full-blown breakdown in the middle of the room.

as soon as you walk out the door, you break into uncontrollable sobs and start hyperventilating, clutching your chest in a desperate attempt to calm your pounding heart.

"hey... you ok?" suddenly, the world stops... and there's only that voice, the one you know all too well and haven't heard in over a year.

"the hell does that mean?!" he barks at you, his blood boiling as pure rage fills the hollow shell of suppressed emotions, trying to bury the bitter taste of heartbreak.

"I've tried, toji. I really have, to make it work. but I don't feel like you love me. you say you do, but they're just words. I feel like I'm just a maid. and a mom to megs. I don't feel loved for me. I don't feel like myself anymore..."

you let out a gasp and your head turns around as if on autopilot until your eyes meet his.

his already concerned expression softens even further as soon as he witnesses your disheveled look, bloodshot eyes and tear-stained cheeks which he has caused.

he feels the gnawing grasp of guilt in his heart for hurting you like this, all the memories of him in the past year coming back to him, how he was absolutely and completely shattered to pieces over your breakup. and now he can only imagine how it must have been for you.

he was an absolute wreck after you; always beating himself up over pushing you away so much to the point that you doubted his love, ('how did we end up like this?') he kept drinking his sorrow away until he blacked out every night and gambled all his money away even more so than usual without a care which shiu noticed and toji figures now that must have been the reason why he invited both of you.

you were his everything. you proved him wrong when he thought he was done with love after the death of his wife. you dragged him out of the pit of despair and held him through the turmoil, in your loving embrace which became his home.

the silence weighs heavy on your chest, thick tension filling the room as the leaden weight of the words that have just been uttered settles in your heart, and his.

"y-you're leaving?" his quivering voice is laced with a bleak desperation, as if trying to grasp at even a sliver of hope that this is not happening, his worst nightmare.

"goodbye, toji." you swallow the lump in your throat, 'I will always love you...' the words play out in your mind, but they never leave your mouth.

"what are you doing here?" you wipe the tears furiously with your hands as you think he shouldn't see you like this, ('please hold me')

"I could ask the same thing." he takes a step closer to you, carefully as if not to scare you away, ('still love you...')

"fuckin' shiu..." you shake your head, ('can't live without you')

he chuckles dryly, ('take me back please... i promise to be better... for you, i will')

you both stand there, staring into each other’s eyes for what feels like an eternity, feeling yourself nearly getting lost in his eyes, before sensing a surge of emotions rushing into you and overwhelming your heart, causing you to avert your gaze from him and mumble a quiet 'I need to go' and quickly make your way towards your car before he has any time to react, ('please stay! curse me, hit me, anything! just please, stay!') still shocked by seeing you after so long when he thought he was over you. what a fool.

oh, how you wish you could have stayed. how you wish he wouldn't have let you go in the first place. and how you wish you had the heart to let it all out instead of just leaving...

you notice him running after you in the rear-view mirror, but you know it's too late now as you drive away with tears in your eyes, your loud sobs mixing with the roars of the heavy metal music playing in the car.

[jihyoruri]

I’m not rlly surprised richgirlyn is a rapper… I mean I thought she’d be giving like “this one is for the boys w the boomin system” but after that insta update…

FIRSTLY “I wanna have a breakup so I can have a breakdown and no one will question” NO BECAUSE YALL SEE WHAT IVE BEEN SAYING? I’ve been right this whole time she wants to be vulnerable and wants to feel her emotions fr but she thinks it’s embarrassing

also ning js like me fr “you should cry rn” YASSS💥💥

moving on.. richgirlyn I was not aware of ur game! “don’t ever suggest that stupid shit to me again” OKAYYYY

no because everyone talking about baemonyn but richgirlyn is hard asf like standing on BUSINESS.

ik her company don’t let her say shit in the songs I know she’s going crazy on features like those unhinged exy verses (ifykyk) like I know she has BARSSSS. i know when they see she on the song everyone on twt is like NOT AGAAAINN😭😭

like I was not aware of her game… imagining her dressing in all pink 2000s core and posing with her hands in front of her tryna act hard LMFAOOO😭😭

there’s no way.. I know her members kinda confused asf sometimes because they think she’s just kinda shallow and preppy and whatever but then they witness her bars..

I think shamelessyn, wowyn, and baemonyn stans might lowk respect richgirlyn… like they could hate her all they want but game recognize game.. baemonyn as a rapper too like.. I feel like after that instagram shit they’d get along 😭😭

LIKE in the works she’s chill just kinda yknow.. bitchy and real asf but !?! WHY IS SHE ACTING LIKE SHE SCARY LMFAOO😭😭

was saying cibyn and richgirlyn stans fighting but.. I mean I think baemonyn stans probably be arguing who’s the better rapper 😭

-🎏

the way she specifically said bf because she knows the bf wouldn’t be the real reason she’s crying and he wouldn’t have any emotional toll on her because she barely likes men😭 (she has had a couple of bfs tho)

ning is so real for that (she’s also yn’s only real friend yn likes to keep her circle small so that’s why ning is the only person in her priv.)

LOL she can get snappy for real we “don’t ever suggest that stupid shit to me again” but let’s talk about “nah it makes me real get ur money up and you’ll be real too.”

her features are considered the best she says the craziest shit on her verses and barley collabs with kpop idols it’s mostly krnb so yk she’s allowed to say some stuff.

she rlly does try to act hard in her little pink outfits it’s like her trademark

her wow!yn shameless!yn and baemon!yn would definitely get along no doubt about it (two singers two rappers)

baemon!yn stans and richgirl!yn arguments probably go crazy because they’re both crazy good rappers

[usagirln12003]

Emily Davis: Hogwarts AU

Emily Davis is a Pureblood witch that was born on the 15th of December 1986 and started attending Hogwarts on the 1st of September 1998, being sorted into Slytherin House.

She has a Black Walnut wand with a Dragon Heartstring Core.

Her Patronus is Non-Corporeal.

Her favorite subject is Transfiguration and her least favorite subject is Potions.

She was one of the Slytherin Prefects of her year.

Emily is described by her fellow Slytherins as intelligent, resourceful, and persuasive. According to her friends, she loves fashion, dislikes not getting her way, and dreams of getting a job as style editor for the Daily Prophet.

With a passion for fashion and a clear sense of style, Emily believes keeping up appearances is important and enjoys being the center of attention. She's not afraid to drop some serious cash on a piece of designer clothing, and also not afraid to let everyone know it. Still, Emily is more than just looks. She also has a shrewd mind, a penetrating wit, and a power of persuasion about her. These attributes have helped her both achieve ten O.W.L.S. and attract a large group of friends who enjoy her company despite her often sharp tongue.

Emily displays a tough exterior, but there are traces of a hurt, vulnerable person beneath. While she's not always quick to vocalize her feelings or own up to her mistakes like her personal involvement in the tragic prank that happened at the end of her fifth year, she does still show sadness over the disappearance of her friends Hannah and Beth, particularly when she comes across their "missing" posters. She even references how she and the others joined the search for the twins after their initial vanishing, further showing that she cared for them. Josh has suggested that Emily's harsh bravado is merely a front that belies her lack of confidence. What's clear is she doesn't like feeling powerless, so when things don't go her way, she gets to work to change the situation to better suit her. Despite her strong-willed nature, she looks to others to attend to her needs, particularly when she's feeling exposed to danger.

According to Josh, Emily's greatest fear is failure. Chris shares this fear, but while he displays this trait with inaction, Emily manifests it in forms of aggression. This is most evident with regards to her feeling over the breakdown of her and Mike's relationship. After the two split up, she was upset to find her ex-boyfriend dating her close friend Jessica. Emily felt hurt and betrayed and responded by entering into a hasty relationship with Matt. Her decision to continue her studies despite having lost the interest primarily comes down to a few motivations: give off the appearance that she is over her breakup, shame Jessica amongst their friend group, sow discord between Jessica and Mike's budding romance, and possibly win Mike back.

This mindset leads Emily to commit several mean-spirited and manipulative actions throughout her sixth year such as instigating a fight with Jessica when they first meet up at the Hogwarts Express, lying to Matt on the way to the castle, and generally belittling those around her. As the events of this year occur, Emily is quick to take action, but unable to put aside some of her base instincts. As the end of the year spirals out of control, she continues to lash out at others particularly Matt even when he's trying to help her. The culminating act comes when Emily is attacked by a strange creature and the group begins to panic over what effect the bite will have on her; Ashley demands Emily leave the school, but Mike goes as far as to pull his wand on her. Ashley ultimately learns that the bite is harmless, but in an act of violence, Emily directs her aggression against Ashley and strikes her. When fleeing from the creatures later on, Emily even tries to gain an advantage and trip Ashley up so she can get to safety.

Overall, Emily possesses what can be considered a narcissistic attitude. She contends that she is "never wrong" and whenever challenged, she has a talent for redirecting conversations and digressing in order to get a one up. Her fear of failure leads her to exploit others to accomplish her goals: she benefits if they succeed at the given task, but if they don't, she has someone to blame besides herself. Despite this, Emily proves to be a very capable individual when she's pushed. While isolated and forced to rely on her own abilities, she displays physical strength, feats of agility, excellent problem-solving skills, and a cool-headed focus during a time of crisis. However, when she rejoins others, her old habits are quick to resurface.

[she-karev]

The Day It All Fell Apart (Andrew DeLuca x Alex Karev's Sister Angst)

Age Rating: 12+

Chapters: One of One

Fandom: Grey’s Anatomy

Ship: Andrew DeLuca x Amber Karev (Alex Karev’s Sister)

Additional Tags: #Angst, #Angstwithhappyending

Canon Episode: Season 16 Episode 18

AN: Hey guys there’s some more angst coming your way but as you can read from my previous posts there is a happy ending to come from such a dark chapter.

Mental Health Resources: https://www.nami.org/, https://www.aacap.org/, https://www.dbsalliance.org/, https://afsp.org/

Summary: Amber bears witness to Andrew’s breakdown in the middle of the hospital causing her to breakdown as well knowing how far-gone Andrew is. Her family helps her during this difficult time.

Words: 4149

Amber and Jackson walk side by side in the parking lot carrying coffee. The both of them walk to the hospital sad from their recent breakups. Amber sips her double americano trying to grasp why Jackson and Vic broke up. She always found her too hyper for her taste not to mention young and pretty quick to jump into bed with a surgeon after her fiancé died. All of those factors made her sure the not so serious relationship would crash and burn as she told her friend and brother figure who simply rolled his eyes at her brutal assessment. She just didn’t expect it to be because of Vic’s new living arrangements.

“So, you couldn’t handle her living with a friend who is a guy and a single dad and she broke it off with you?”

“I told her I wanted to go slower. I mean she moves into my place without telling me, she’s practically raising a kid with Dean meanwhile she hasn’t met my child it’s just…I’m not up for mixed signals.”

“Says the guy who didn’t tell his last girlfriend he was taking a spontaneous spiritual quest the day after he tells her he loves her.” Jackson narrows his eyes at Amber who shrugs, “Is that not true? I mean I never liked Vic for you but you’re not exactly Mr. Communication here either Jackson. And you saying that her friend who she has literally run through fires with is looking to get into her pants by using his daughter doesn’t help your case. Would you be this paranoid if it was one of her lady firefighters instead?”

“It’s not that he’s a guy.” Amber raises an eyebrow suspecting, “It’s not! It’s because he hit on Maggie while we were together and she is more than willing to raise his child with him. This isn’t paranoia this is me questioning what his intentions are when he let her move in.”

“Okay two things one he didn’t know you and Maggie were together DeLuca told me after spending the day with him. And two, people could argue that you’re doing the exact same thing Dean is doing with me.”

Jackson quickly defends his stance, “It is not like that at all it’s completely different.”  

Amber chuckles in irony before speaking, “You let me move into your place when I had nowhere to go. I pick up Harriet from April’s when you have a surgery, I make her puree straight from the blender and I have walked in on you naked on more than one occasion.” Jackson chastises himself for forgetting to lock the bathroom door, “How does that not make you a hypocrite when you told off Vic for moving in with Dean and his kid?”

“Because I don’t want to sleep with you!” Jackson yells under his breath, “You and I are friends and while our significant other’s question it we know that we see each other as family and the idea of us in bed together sickens both of us.”

Amber nods, “Yeah that’s us so why can’t that be Vic and Dean too?”

“I have seen the way that he looks at her and I might not know much-”

“At least we can agree on something this morning.”

Jackson ignores her insult, “I know when someone sees someone as more than just a friend. I see the look in his eyes when he looks at her, it’s the way I looked at April and the way DeLuca looked at you.”

Amber’s heart stings a bit from that reminder of how DeLuca used to look at her with so much love and admiration. Now when he does look at her, which is rarely, it’s with disdain. Amber sips her coffee to mask her frown from Jackson who catches it and mentally curses at his own stupidity.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to bring him up. Sometimes when my head is in a fog I speak before I think.” Amber nods understanding, “Have you two talked at all since that night?”

“We don’t talk.” Amber informs him bluntly, “Because I have learned from our last two conversations that when we do, he usually ends it with a new way to hurt me with information I used to trust him with. Now I am just trying to avoid him at all costs which isn’t hard since Bailey is punishing him by making him work at the clinic and my roommate who is chief of plastics is letting me assist in his surgeries. At least the both of us are miserable…so why doesn’t that make me happy?”

Jackson frowns at his friend’s internal conflict, “Because both of you are miserable. Have you told your family what happened?”

“They know we broke up and that he kicked me out after saying I was like my mom and dad.” Amber informs him as they step into the ambulance bay, “They offered to let me stay with them but the loft is too small and I need space to get my head right.”

Jackson snorts, “And my 4K ultra-HDTV apparently.”

“Hey, it’s not my fault you can afford the latest electronics man.” Jackson grins as Amber gets back to the topic, “Alex offered to kick his ass for me but I’m afraid Andrew would lock him up for life this time just to spite me. Jo is there she offered to throw crap at a wall with me which doesn’t seem healthy for my psyche, so I am just pushing through and doing the work waiting until he finishes his residency and gets a job away from this hospital and away from me. It’s the great thing about dating a senior resident.”

“I can recommend him for a hospital across the country to make that happen.” Jackson offers and he turns dark due to his love for Amber, “Or I can hire guys to put him in a private prison like that Chinese film you made me watch.”

Amber chuckles at that, “I appreciate that but I’m not that crazy, I’ll let you know though. Also, it was Korean.”

“And disturbing as hell with that lover turned out to be a daughter twist. Next time I pick the movie.” Jackson shudders at that due to having a daughter causing Amber to pat his back. Jackson and Amber see the mobile surgery unit that the hospital equipped station 19 with so they can operate while on calls. They stop at the ambulance bay where the PRT is parked and Bailey is talking to Ben while he is inside the truck, “Hey. Ready to see Mavis break the record tonight?”

Ben looks at Jackson with regret, “Uh, I-I can't go to a basketball game tonight.

“But I got courtside seats.”

“Uh, one of his fellow firefighters died.” Bailey informs them, “Threw a PE right as we were about to discharge him.”

“Ohh. I'm really sorry. Yeah, of course. Do what you need to do.”

“Thanks, man.” Ben hops inside the PRT that they look at in awe.  

“This is that mobile surgery unit we paid for, huh?” Jackson asks in admiration.

Amber whistles, “Damn this is turning my day around already.”

Ben grins, “Yeah. You, uh, come by the station, give you a tour.”

“Yeah.” Jackson agrees eagerly.

“I’m assuming he wasn’t speaking to both of us.” Amber says bitterly.

“Nope.” Bailey confirms as the truck rolls out of the bay.

Jackson walks side by side with Amber and Bailey to the pit, “That truck is dope.”

“So dope.”

“It's Grey's Pro Bono Surgery Day.” Bailey reminds them, “Get excited about that.”

Jackson and Amber walk down the pit on their way to their respective lounges. Bailey walks away from them when Jackson gets an idea on how to use his extra ticket.

“Hey, you like sports, right?”

Amber looks at him confused by his sudden change in topic, “Yeah…”

“So how would you feel about courtside seats to the big game with me tonight?” Amber grimaces as she can see where he is going with this, “I mean Mavis is gonna crush it and-”

“I need you to stop right now before you ruin our friendship by inviting me to a game after your second choice said no right in front of us after your first choice dumped you after the guy, I was in love with dumped me like week old Chinese.” Jackson clears his throat seeing his fatal error with Amber speaking in a low and scary voice, “You are poking a bear my friend and you just lost a patient who did that so…”

“You know what forget it I’ll find someone else to go with.”

“Smartest move you’ve made all year.” Amber walks away from him to go inside the resident’s lounge where she is grateful that Andrew is not in this morning.

Later

Amber stands by the crowded pre op area talking to one of Jackson’s patients on the phone scheduled for a cosmetic breast implant surgery this afternoon that she is trying to reschedule so they can fit in one of Grey’s pro bono surgeries.

Amber pinches the bridge of her nose frustrated, “I get that we made plans but I am just asking you to be compassionate and allow us to reschedule a surgery you can live without for now so our patients who can’t will get theirs.”

“Look lady I have premium insurance I work hard to get what I paid for.” The woman’s arrogant voice angers Amber who tries to keep her emotions in check, “I’m getting my surgery this afternoon and you can’t bully me into cancelling it!”

“Nobody is bullying you ma’am I am just trying to ask you to consider the possibility of giving up your spot and we can schedule you for tomorrow instead. We have a spot at the same time and we can offer a discount for the inconvenience.”

“I can afford full price, can you?”

Amber grips the phone almost crushing it before keeping her cool, “If you don’t want to give up your spot fine nobody is forcing you to do so.”

“Why didn’t you say that you stupid bitch?” Amber’s eyes widen at the curse, “Instead of wasting my damn time.”

The phone clicks and she hears a dial tone indicating the patient hung up. Amber groans angrily at her continued misfortune before slamming the hospital phone down on the base unit repeatedly to get some of her anger out on the inanimate object.

“Whoa I’m pretty sure the phone didn’t do anything to deserve that abuse kid.” Amber see’s Alex approaching her in his surgical coat and scrub cap, “Bad day?”

“Bad month.” Amber reminds him, “My life is falling apart and it doesn’t help when I have an arrogant stockholder who wants bigger boobs thinking she has more rights than these people in here who are just trying to get by in this messed up medical system. And seeing the guy who broke my heart walking around ignoring what is wrong isn’t helping either. I am like a crap cake that is what I am, I am crap cake with booger frosting and rat poison sprinkles.”

Alex frowns in disgust, “You always did have a dark mind even as a little girl. I blame myself for letting you read that Shirley Jackson book at age 5.” Amber rolls her eyes at him as he continues, “Jo and I saw the show on Netflix and I thought ‘this explains a lot.’”

“Yeah, well Shirley resonates with me in the horror show that is my life now.” Amber exhales sharply, “I mean there is nothing that can make my life worse than what it is now. Nothing.”

Suddenly the intercom announces over their heads, ‘Code Violet, O.R. waiting room.’ Amber furrows her eyebrows confused.

“What’s code violet again?”

Alex sighs and walks to the waiting room with Amber following, “It means someone is getting violent with hospital staff, come on.”

They walk to the waiting room where they see Andrew DeLuca standing in between a teenage girl and a woman. Amber is taken back and confused by the scene along with Alex and the other attendings that came to the scene including Carina DeLuca and Jo. The next words out of Andrew’s mouth take Amber by a storm.

“Hey, hey! Security? Arrest this woman for child trafficking!”

The woman he is accusing laughs at the outrageous accusation and turns to the others desperate, “No! Someone help me!”

Andrew continues his stance between her and the teenager in the wheelchair looking on in tears, “Security, you heard me!”

All Amber can do is grip Alex’s arm as she witnesses this horrific downfall of Andrew’s mind and tries to chant to herself in a small and broken voice like when she witnessed her mom having a breakdown, “This is not happening, this is not happening…”

While DeLuca keeps accusing the woman and she denies it Alex focuses on Amber and turns around keeping a calm face so she can be calm as well and not have a panic attack. He knows she’s had those since she was little and knows that stressful situations trigger it. This more than qualifies, “Hey, hey look at me, look at me.” Amber inhales sharply and does so, “Just keep breathing like I taught you when we were kids in and out, okay? In and out.” Amber tries to control her breathing but it doesn’t work as she keeps listening to Andrew’s rants.

“I'm not crazy! You're hurting her!” Amber starts to have tears form in her eyes that she tries to keep in by closing her eyes with her head down listening to a man she loves yelling like a madman, “All right, everybody, you know what to do. Dangerous person in the hospital, okay? We need to join hands, form a human chain around her, okay? Let's go. Come on. Everybody, come on. Come on! What are you waiting for?! Huh? Come on! Let's do it!” She opens her eyes long enough to see that instead of forming the chain around the woman they are forming the chain around Andrew who gets more frantic.

Amber leans her head forward against Alex’s chest not being able to bear the sight with her tears falling down her cheeks as she quietly sobs against Alex’s navy scrubs. Alex puts his arms around her holding her knowing full well what she is going through due to how just last year Jo also had a nervous breakdown in the hospital when she had depression. At the time he was so focused on Jo he didn’t let his anguish at going through a loved one’s mental crisis again show.

Now he can see Amber very clearly showing her distress as she silently breaks down in his arms while DeLuca very loudly breaks down behind him in tears standing on top of the chairs realizing nobody believes him. Alex sighs at his baby sister suffering like he was when Ava got worse. He remembered when Izzie comforted him after Ava left even after he was awful to her. He remembered her holding him and letting him cry on her shoulder the whole night and never once letting go.

He takes note of that moment of their relationship and does what Izzie did with him and be there for his little sister who is in so much pain it takes Alex back to when they were kids and he would hold her while she cried. He keeps holding her against his chest letting her tears soak through his scrub top. Alex gently holds his sister’s head against his chest whispering to her over and over ‘it’s gonna be okay’ like when she was a child while their mom was taken by force out of the house by orderlies crying and thrashing like DeLuca is doing right now. He had to admit hearing DeLuca crying while his sister was breaking down in his arms was gonna stay with him for a long time.

He keeps holding her even after security escorts an angry DeLuca off the floor with only Carina following him in tears. While she takes care of her sibling Alex focuses on his own who is still crying and clinging to her brother like she used to when she was little. The sight breaks Alex’s heart but he puts his own emotions aside and keeps hugging her, letting her lean on him silently assuring her that he was not going anywhere.

That Night

Jackson pushes the double doors open quickly walking up to Alex and Jo who are leaning against the station outside the on-call room looking at the door tormented. He sighs and looks up at the ceiling regretful that while he was in surgery and trying to find someone to go with him to the game tonight. Amber was witnessing DeLuca having a mental breakdown in front of everyone and triggering every bad memory Amber ever had. He mentally curses DeLuca for doing this to a girl Jackson considers his sister so soon after he made her leave their apartment. The game is far from his mind, Mavis be damned if it meant making sure Amber is okay.

Jackson approaches them in his scrubs and scrub cap, “How is she?”

Alex sighs with a pissed off look, “She’s been in there for two hours crying, I tried to calm her down but she just told me to leave. I didn’t want to upset her more.”

“Jo did you go in and talk to her?” Jackson asks hopeful that the sisterly bond Jo and Amber share is enough to get through to her but Jo shakes her head sadly.

“I tried but she kicked me out too…I know what DeLuca is going through better than anyone but the choices he made to ignore Amber and hurt her when she has been hurt enough.” Jo goes from sad to frustrated, “That I cannot sympathize with especially outside the room my only sister is in crying her eyes out.”

“Did DeLuca get suspended?”

“He quit.” Alex informs him, “He didn’t want to take the suspension because he thought there was nothing wrong with him despite recent events saying otherwise. He didn’t even check to see how Amber was even when he saw her crying while he walked away.”

Jackson pinches the bridge of his nose trying to catch up, “He said his patient’s family member was trafficking her? Is that what he said?”

“Out loud in front of everyone.” Alex states numbly still feeling the tears on his scrub top from where Amber spent five minutes crying into, “I checked with the human trafficking hotline just in case…there were times when my mom made sense it was just the way she was acting that made it seem like nonsense.”

“And what did they say?”

“They said to make sure they don’t leave the hospital but their gone.” Jackson closes his eyes at the thought of them letting a human trafficker walk away, “What if he was right? And we just let them get away?”

“…I don’t know I honestly don’t know.” Jackson says simply with Jo rubbing her tired eyes, “I’ll go. If I don’t survive tell my daughter I loved her.”

Jackson knocks on the door before coming in where the room is dark with no lights on and the moon casts over the city view outside the window. He closes the door behind him and makes out Amber on the single bed facing the wall making quiet whimpers telling him that she is still crying. He takes his cap off setting it on the desk before gingerly approaching the bed and sitting on the side above Amber who is still facing the wall.

“I heard what happened. I’m sorry I didn’t come by sooner I was in surgery.”

“Leave me alone Jackson.” The voice coming out sounds more broken than defensive.

Jackson presses his lips together before tentatively touching her shoulder in comfort, “You know when my mom was sick, I spent an hour outside the operating room crying on Maggie’s shoulder. When I lost my friends to a crazy gunman, I woke up every night screaming because the nightmares got worse every time.” Jackson takes a beat before telling her about the most agonizing time of his life, “And when my son died in my arms…I cried for two days straight in bed with April. I’ve had crap happen to me because life hates me and I know that when I said ‘leave me alone’ it’s because I was sad and it was really the last thing I wanted.”

Amber feels tears in her eyes as she remembers when Jackson first told her about his mom and his son and the shooting. She saw him in a different light and made her feel like she has someone aside from her brothers and Jo to relate to when it comes to tragedy. She sniffles and turns on her back to face Jackson with puffy and red eyes.

“It was like seeing my mother again.” Amber tells him in a low voice, “When he was crying and telling all of us about his crazy theory my mind instantly went back to the time, I was 8. When my mom was at the library throwing books off the shelves screaming that there were bugs planted by the government in the pages. I remember the look on everyone’s faces when they saw her, they were scared of her…and so was I.” Amber admits the last part in a tearful voice, “I was scared when I saw him today and I didn’t want to be scared. The last time I was scared was when Aaron had a nightgown around my throat. I was scared when my brother tried to kill me and I was scared of my boyfriend when he was screaming nonsense in the middle of the surgical floor. And now I have nothing, I have no one.”

“Shhh.” Jackson tries to soothe her by rubbing her arms while she cries, “I know you’re sad and you feel like nobody is on your side but I am and so are Alex and Jo. They’re right outside worried about you, if you don’t have DeLuca at least you have us. It’s something right?”

Amber sniffles and takes a beat to process before speaking, “I know your trying to make me feel better but I feel even sadder knowing I only have family by my side because their biologically programmed to.”

“That’s not entirely true.” Jackson tells her, “You have me and I’m not related to you at all. I know you feel like holing up in here and never coming out but you have to at some point. Maybe a night of horror movie marathon with jalapeno nachos and some Rocky Road can help you feel better about tomorrow.”

“Everybody is gonna look at me like intern year…god I can’t do that again.” Amber rubs her eyes and exhales sharply, “I can’t walk around having people staring at me and avoiding me like I am crazy gene triggering which I’m pretty sure I am. I can’t do that but I can’t skip work because I need to finish my residency hours…I don’t know what to do.”

Jackson inhales and exhales as an idea comes to him, “You could come with me to work at the fire station tomorrow.”

Amber chuckles lightly, “Sure Jackson let’s just quit our jobs, go to the academy and become first responders together. There’s the answer to all of my problems.”

“I don’t mean as firefighters I mean as surgeons.” Amber narrows her eyes at him, “Ben has this mobile surgical unit and he needs a partner someone to help him do the surgeries on calls and he asked me.” Amber’s eyes widen as she begins to understand now, “I’ll have to talk to him about bringing you on as an assist but I think he’ll say yes. You want to get away from this place for a while but you need the hours so do them with me helping us at the PRT. Nobody knows you there and nobody needs to know about what happened. You can start fresh there while doing surgery in the coolest truck ever to-” Amber interrupts him with a sudden hug leaning up and pulling him tightly against her with her arms around his back. Jackson chuckles hugging her back, “I guess that’s a yes.”

“Have I ever told you how much I love you?” Amber asks, her voice shaking with gratefulness.

Jackson grins slightly still hugging her, “Not really no.”

“Well, I’m gonna start, I love you so much.” Amber says in a familial manner that is reserved for her brothers, Jo and as of now Jackson.

Jackson smiles rubbing her back, “I love you too buddy.”

[duskholland]

Y/n has a disagreement with frat!tom, she drowns her sorrows and then frat!tom takes care of drunk y/n

ah...a classic. cw: alcohol + angst w a happy end. pls don’t do this irl--communication is key in any balanced relationship! don’t drown your sorrows <3

frat!tom night !!

*:·ﾟ✧*:·ﾟ✧ *:·ﾟ✧*:·ﾟ✧ *:·ﾟ✧*:·ﾟ✧

Tom: I’m sorry Tom: I didn’t mean to upset you Tom: can you just text me back Tom: please

You drag your index finger over the lock-screen of your phone, giggling slightly as you watch Tom’s texts wobble. Your eyes are tired and unfocused, your head spinning, and your objective of getting absolutely hammered has been well and truly achieved. You’d surpassed your limits an hour ago, if you’re being honest with yourself, but your bottle of tequila had been calling your name, and now you’re out of your mind. You’re just glad that your roommate is at her boyfriend’s for the night so she doesn’t have to witness your heartbroken breakdown.

Another two texts bumps up to the top of the screen, startling you.

Tom: I’m worried about you Tom: can you just let me know that you’re okay?

You sigh loudly, then begrudgingly pick up your phone. You open the texts sent from Tom, your boyfriend — or, ex-boyfriend…? — and read over them again, eyes hazy. You decide not to reply, and to instead leave him on read, because what else are you supposed to do?

With a heavy sigh, you lie back on the floor and stare at the ceiling of your dorm. You groan as you think over the events of the day again, your mind heavy and lethargic.

It’d been a stupid argument with Tom, about god knows what. Spring break, you think. He’d changed his mind last minute, and instead of going to Mexico with you and a few friends, he now wants to go back to London to spend time with his family. He also wants you to go back with him, to meet his parents and his brothers, and, in typical Tom fashion, had failed to mention that he’d changed your flights on your behalf.

It doesn’t matter now. All that matters is you’d spent a very unpleasant thirty minutes at the frat house earlier, exchanging sour words of disapproval with your boyfriend, who couldn’t be bothered to hear your side of the story. You’d ran away when you’d realised you were just going in circles, and now you’re here: red-eyed, drunk, and alone. The realisation makes you hiccup, and you feel your eyes well up again.

There’s a loud knock at the door, and you startle.

“Fuck,” you mutter, quickly standing up. You toss the bottle of alcohol under a blanket and wipe at your eyes, cursing yourself for looking like such a mess. You hope it’s just a neighbour, concerned about the breakup song playlists and the loud volume of your crying, and not an RA about to bust you for possession of alcohol in a college dorm.

It turns out to be neither, and you scowl as you open the door just to see Tom standing beyond it. His eyes snap up, his expression springing into one of surprise as if he hadn’t expected you to open the door. There’s a light blue beanie sitting on his head, but he whips it off and holds it between his hands as he rocks back on his feet and swallows

“Y/N…. Look, I’m so sorry.” He looks so small, with his figure covered in grey sweats and a white t-shirt. He has a red jacket shrugged over the top too, but his posture is slumped and diminished. His eyes are pink. “I was such a twat. I don’t want us to break up over this, and I don’t want you to hate me, either. I’m sorry.” His gaze narrows as his eyes twist over your figure. “Wait, are you drunk?”

Your eyes bulge, and you instinctively reach out to grab his arm. You jerk him into your room, chastising him in a loud whisper about the presence of your pesky RAs, and then you lean back against the door, facing the main body of the room where Tom’s now pacing.

“You shouldn’t be here,” you manage, tongue feeling thick in your mouth.

Tom finds the bottle of tequila you’d thrown in your bed as he straightens up the duvet, turning on you with a frown on your face.

“You shouldn’t be drinking on a Tuesday night,” he mutters. “Is this my fault?”

You shrug. “No,” you say. “Pretty sure I’m the one who did the drinking.”

Tom winces, then slowly takes off his jacket. He approaches you gently, extending two hands towards you.

“I’m sorry,” he says, voice exhausted. You hate how heartbroken he looks, so you reach out and join together your fingers, pulling him a little closer. Tom walks all the way to you, folding into you until he’s squeezing your hands and has his forehead pressed against yours. “I’m sorry for being a dick, and not speaking to you about spring break first.” His thumbs run over the backs of your hands. “And I’m also sorry for being a twat and not listening to you properly.”

You have to close your eyes, finding it too hard to focus on his face when it’s pushed so near to you.

“I’m too drunk to have this conversation with you,” you mutter. You drop one of his hands and feel him freeze before you shift it up to his hair. You’re quiet as you play around with his brown curls, finding comfort in the familiar softness. “I’m sorry too, though. I feel like shit. I shouldn’t have been so angry about it all…” You break off, feeling your eyes water as your voice thickens. It’s just a whisper as you add, softer, “I don’t want to lose you over this, Tom.”

He pulls back, and you’re able to meet his eyes as he reaches up to cup your warm cheeks in his hands. You aren’t angry anymore—now that he’s here, looking at you so softly, you just want to move on and fall straight back into his arms.

“You’re not losing me, darling. You could never lose me,” he murmurs. He leans in and kisses your forehead softly, letting his lips linger there for a moment. “Let’s get you in bed, yeah?”

You nod. “Okay,” you agree, suddenly feeling very attached to the idea of curling up beneath the covers and sleeping.

“Wait, wait.” Tom’s gentle hold on your waist makes you stop. “Bathroom first. You’ve still got makeup on.”

You pout as you coo, nodding. “Can you take it off for me?”

“Of course, love.”

You’re glad for the en-suite in your room. Despite it being a tight fit, Tom’s able to come in with you. He sits you on the closed toilet seat and tenderly dabs at your face, stripping back the smudged makeup as he cracks a few light jokes and murmurs soft words of praise. He watches as you brush your teeth, standing behind you with his arms wrapped around your front, lips brushing over your neck in featherlight kisses as he meets your eyes in the mirror and your heart flutters in your chest. Despite your complaints, he even convinces you to down two glasses of water.

“Aren’t you getting in too?” You whine. He’s standing beside your single bed, hands on the top of the duvet as he finishes tucking you in. You do your best to look innocent and fragile, blinking up at him through wide eyes. “It’s cold…”

Tom hesitates.

“Do you want me to?” He asks. When you nod your head enthusiastically, he smiles softly. “I don’t want you to wake up tomorrow morning and realise that it’s not what you wanted.”

You shake your head. “I won’t,” you say, knowing it to be true. “Just… if you’re worried about overstepping, don’t kiss me or anything. I won’t be mad if you sleep here.”

He smiles as if he finds the compromise agreeable, then kicks off his shoes and pulls off his shirt. You try to wolf whistle, only for the sound to come out flat and failed, and he laughs loudly.

“Did you just try to whistle at me?” He teases.

“No.”

“Are you lying?”

“Maybe.”

Tom slips into bed beside you. It’s a tight fit, but you’ve spent enough nights together on your single mattress to know exactly what you have to do. You don’t hesitate to curl into his side, throwing a leg over his body as you rest your face against his arm and press your hand to his chest. Tom reaches over and flicks off the lamp before wrapping his arms around you, holding you close.

“I love you,” he says, the moment it’s dark and you’re both settled. “I love you so much, baby.”

You coo, unable to control the unruly smile that tugs at your lips.

“Love you too, Tom,” you murmur. “You’re so warm.”

He chuckles, light fingers rubbing circles over the top of your arm. “And you’re just lovely.”

You melt, burrowing your head further into his side. Beneath your palm, you can feel his heartbeat, pulsing gently.

“You know, the only reason I was so mad earlier was because I was scared of meeting your parents,” you admit, voice soft. “It’s not because I don’t want to spend time with you, Tommy. I do. All the time. But it’s scary to think about how I could do something to fuck this up. It’s scary sometimes... to think about how much I love you.”

You feel his lips touch the top of your head.

“Do you want to know a secret?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m scared too. That’s why I changed the flights without speaking to you. I was scared you wouldn’t want to come with me and take the next step with me.” Tom breaks off, sighing. “I’m a fucking idiot, though. Still should’ve spoken to you about it.”

You hum gently. “As long as you look after me, and make sure I’m okay, then I’d love to come and meet your family.” You tilt your face up and lean closer until you’re able to deposit a clumsy kiss to his sharp jaw.

“Of course I’d look after you,” Tom assures. “But you don’t need to be scared. They’ll love you, because I love you, and I think you’re the most wonderful person in the world, Y/N.”

You curl in closer, stifling a yawn. “Love you too.”

“Precious,” he mumbles. You feel him urge you nearer, warm kisses falling over your head again and again. “Go to sleep, babe,” he urges. “I’ve got you.”

You sigh contentedly. “Will you still be here in the morning?” You whisper, relaxing fully into his hold.

“‘Course. I’ll even get you breakfast.”

You smile against his chest. “Fuck yeah,” you murmur. “G’night.”

“Night, princess.” Tom rests a hand on your arm, and you sink into it. “Sweet dreams.”

[ddeonghwaa]

Can We Fix This? (Jaehyun)

Characters: Jaehyun x reader

Genre: angst, romance

Word count: 5.9k

Hello! This is the sequel of my story “Too Late”. I hope you guys give it lots of love because I’ve been working on it for quite some time! Enjoy!

If you haven’t read Too Late, you can read it here.

“I’ve been really happy for the whole five years of being in love with you, Jaehyun. Thank you for all the memories we’ve shared. I know I’ve done my best for every single moment I had with you in this relationship, so I have no regrets. Regrets… I hope you regret what you did to me and reflect on your actions.”

"I did, I regret my actions so much y/n. Please don’t leave me.”

You shook your head lightly and took a step back away from him. 

“I can’t do this anymore.” You looked at him for one last time, tears brimming your eyes. Tears that looked like fragile crystals, they could break any time. Before you let the tears fall, you said one last thing to him.

“Once you’re done packing my things, leave them outside.”

Your last encounter with Jaehyun kept on replaying in your head although a few days had passed. Breaking up with someone you have loved with your whole heart wasn’t easy. Everything now felt so… empty. You weren’t used to being with your own company.

Never would you have imagined yourself saying that to Jaehyun - who you thought would be the love of your life forever. But things ended up very different from what the both of you had expected. You didn’t want to blame Yewon entirely, because you knew your relationship with Jaehyun at that time wasn’t the healthiest either.

At that moment, as if Yewon knew that you were diving deep into a black hole in your mind about this, a text from her came.

Yewon: Hello, it’s me, Yewon. I’m sorry if I am bothering you. If you don’t mind, I would like to have a talk with you over lunch today.

You furrowed your brows in confusion, “What does she have to say?” At first, you thought of rejecting her invitation because you didn’t have anything to say to her. However, you ended up accepting her lunch invitation to listen to whatever Yewon has to say. Giving her a chance to justify her actions? Maybe you could forgive her then.

-

You immediately regretted agreeing to meet up with Yewon because it just made you feel worse about yourself. The two of you went to a nearby café and sat in front of each other. You hated - no - you despised this atmosphere with Yewon. “Why did you want to meet up?” You started. Yewon cleared her throat and looked at you. “Um, I don’t know if I should say this right now, after your breakup with-”

You shot her a glare when she mentioned about your recent breakup. Who in this whole world would think it was a good idea to bring it up to someone who just recently went through it? Especially when she was partly the reason for it.

“I just thought I’d tell you this. I’m really sorry but I have sincere feelings for Jaehyun,” You flinched when you heard his name, “and I am thinking of dating him seriously. I feel guilty because of you so I thought of asking you first about it.”

You scoffed at the absurd statement. Is this girl for real? The audacity to say this to me after what she has done? You thought to yourself.

Tried maintaining your facial expressions, you replied with an “Oh.”

After what felt like a long minute, you voiced, “You can do whatever you want. It’s not like he is my boyfriend anymore. We broke up, so he can date whoever he wants.”

No. I’m still not over him. I can’t see him dating anyone else. Especially you, Yewon.

You bit your lower lips, trying hard not to break down in front of her. The corner of Yewon’s lips raised as she shot you a smile, “Yeah, but I’m really sorry about your breakup though. I knew getting in between the both of you was wrong, but I couldn’t help it,” she said insensitively.

Her apology didn’t seem sincere and you were trying your best not to smack her in the face. She looks like she’s putting on this show to look like this sweet and nice girl that everyone likes.

“Go ahead, I’m not stopping you. But just so you know, Jaehyun really loved me and I don’t think he’d get over me that fast. What you had with him was only temporary flutters, not real love. He only wavered a little, he didn’t fall for you. He remembers every little thing we did together, every single date, every single kiss,” you shrugged and took a sip of the tea you ordered.

“To be honest, I don’t even know if he’d date you because you’d remind him of how we broke up. If you really end up dating him, I hope his memories with me will continue to haunt him and you would remind him of how he broke my heart. Although I got over it already now.”

Liar. You sound the total opposite.

“Yeah but I’ll try anyways because I really want to date him. I really want to give it a shot.”

“Yeah, go for it. You know what, Yewon?” You grabbed the glass of water in front of you and unexpectedly threw the water at Yewon without hesitation. “Don’t you think I at least deserve to do this?”

Yewon’s eyes turned big as she stood up immediately. She was shocked at what just happened and just stared at her dress that got wet.

Yes, this is not a dream. You really did that. You re-enacted a typical scene from Kdramas and it felt so satisfying. You didn’t even know you had the courage in you to do that. Other customers in the café looked weirdly at you and obviously showed expressions of sympathy for Yewon. But you didn’t care anymore. “I know it’s wrong to do that, but I couldn’t help it,” you shrugged, throwing back her own words to her.

“I hope one day you experience the same as I did. I hope you go through the pain I’m in right now because of you.”

“What did you just do?! I know you’re mad, but how can you do that?! UGH!” she shouted as her hands reached for her glass of water to throw it back at you. Your eyes squeezed shut, expecting yourself to get drenched, but nothing happened.

You peeked one of your eyes open and saw a hand stopping Yewon from doing so. A hand so familiar that you almost forgot he no longer belongs to you. It was Jaehyun.

You didn’t know how he magically appeared there but there he was, staring at you in concern. Your heart started beating so fast it felt like it was going to jump out of your chest. Your breathing started to get faster each second and your palms turned cold. Clenching your hands into a fist, you tried to calm down.

I miss you. It’s only been a few days but I miss you so much, Jung Jaehyun.

You snapped back into reality when you heard Jaehyun whisper sadly, “Y/n… Are you alright?” Letting out a sigh, you picked up your bag and gave Yewon a last cold glare.

“Go get your shot,” You started walking away from the two of them, not even sparing Jaehyun a look.

“She started it first!” You heard Yewon complain to Jaehyun right when you left and thankfully her voice faded the further away you got from the café. Every second felt so suffocating with the presence of him. You couldn’t hug or kiss him like you used to. You couldn’t even take a proper look at his face without breaking down right there. You wished you could get over Jaehyun fast. Or sometimes you wished things went back to how they were before Yewon appeared. But it was too late.

-

It has been a tough week after the incident and you couldn’t hang out with most of your friends anymore because the two of you shared a similar group of friends. You shivered at the thought of them asking about Jaehyun and how unprofessional you would react to their questions – like bawling in front of everyone because of heartbroken you were. Yeah, you didn’t want that. Also, you didn’t want to make them feel awkward and walk on eggshells because of the breakup, although they probably already knew by now or have caught on.

The following days were filled with nothing but avoiding Jaehyun. You created this mission for yourself to help you get over him fast. It was difficult because he lives in the same building as you and moving out from your apartment wasn’t really the best option now.

One time, the elevator doors opened and before setting your foot in it, you looked up only to see Jaehyun standing inside. He looked at you softly and pressed the open button to hold the doors for you.

But you weren’t ready to face him. You immediately took a few steps back and turned, running back to your apartment.

“Y/n! Why are you running away from me…” he sighed sadly and closed the elevator doors.

A few days after that, he waited for you in front of your class to talk. When the class ended and you exited the room, he took your hands softly and whispered, “Y/n, can we talk? I have something to say to you. Please.”

“I don’t think I want to hear anything else from you,” you replied as you signalled to your hands, “Can you let go of my hands, please?” Jaehyun’s shoulders dropped as he let go of your hands again. He really didn’t want to let go this time, but he couldn’t do anything about it.

You hated feeling this way about yourself. You kept on blaming how you weren’t good enough for Jaehyun, how you were so foolish to end this relationship when you knew for a fact that you can’t live without him. Your best friend witnessed your breakdowns and she couldn’t stand seeing you suffer like that anymore.

Being the amazing best friend ever, she made appointments at hair and nail salons to give you a treat and to just cheer yourself up. You were so grateful for her, because without her, you would have struggled so much more alone.

You felt bad for yourself for not trying all of these earlier, because looking at Yewon, she was so pretty, always having her hair and nails nicely done. She’s young and knows how to present herself prettily in front of others. You envied her for that. So after so long, it felt nice getting your hair done, getting manicures and pedicures in pretty colours you’ve never tried before. It was like turning a new page in your life, trying to start anew.

Jaehyun, on the other hand, was having the hardest time of his life. He couldn’t understand how you were coping up so well because he sees you smiling in campus from time to time and it broke him more and more.

He couldn’t concentrate in class, stared into space most of the time and looked so dishevelled as if he only showered once every few days. He even got into trouble for not submitting his assignments properly. He had lost weight because he’s not been eating well after the incident. His appetite never came back and he only ate a little to make sure he stays alive.

Basically, life was giving him shit. And it was what he deserved. He had the most precious human being with him for five years and he took you for granted.

Just when he thought things couldn’t get any worse, it did. His mother decided to visit him that week to drop off some side dishes. She usually drops by every two months ever since Jaehyun moved out from the family house to stay in the apartment located near the university campus.

"You look terrible,” Jaehyun's mother said as soon as she arrives in his apartment.  She fixed Jaehyun's hair a bit and patted his head. “Thanks, mum. Really needed that,” Jaehyun replied in sarcasm as he raised a brow to look at his mother.

“I brought your favourite side dishes and I packed more for y/n too this time. You told me she really liked it last time, remember?” Jaehyun lightly nodded as she placed some of the side dishes in Jaehyun’s fridge and put aside the ones she brought for you.

His heart broke when he heard that because he hasn’t told his mother yet about the two of you. He knows how much she loves you and was hoping for the two of you to get married right after graduation. So, he couldn’t bring himself to tell her about the situation right now.

"Since I’m here, I should go drop by y/n's place too. Let’s go together, Jaehyun. Help me carry all these side dishes. They’re so heavy! I hope y/n enjoys them."

“Umm mum-" He bit his lip and felt genuinely scared. What if you were as broken as him? He couldn’t bear seeing you like that. His mother looked at him with a questioning look, “What?”

He blinked and lightly shook his head, “N-nothing. Let’s go.”

Maybe it wasn’t the best idea, but he was curious and wanted to see how you were doing. What if the smiles you had on campus were all just a show? How well were you actually coping with the breakup? Were you eating all your meals?

Jaehyun just wanted to see you.

Jaehyun led his mother to your apartment while carrying all the side dishes she has packed for you. She rang the doorbell, "Y/n, are you at home?"

Jaehyun unconsciously started biting his lower lips harder than usual that it turned so red. I’m finally seeing her after so long. He thought.

Not long after, you replied, “Yes, I am!”

You opened the door and bowed to Jaehyun’s mother politely, greeting her after so long of not seeing each other. Surprisingly, you didn’t look shocked or caught off guard even when you saw Jaehyun standing behind his mother. Instead, he was the one looking shocked with widened eyes. He looked like a lost puppy with sad eyes staring at you.

How much you’ve missed that man standing right there.

You just wanted to throw your arms around him and hug him tightly. You wanted to kiss his cheeks, lips, nose forehead, but you couldn’t. Instead, pushed your feelings aside and focused on his mother instead.

“How have you been, Mrs Jung?” you asked as you led her to the living room. She took a seat on the sofa and softly smiled while looking at you.

"I’ve been well as always. You look extra beautiful today, y/n. I can tell you’ve been well too,” she caressed your hands and patted them softly.

I’m not doing so well though. You thought, but you just smiled back at her in response.

“I brought some extra side dishes for you too this time. Jaehyun told me you really liked the jangjorim (soy braised beef) I made last time, so I packed more for you," she pointed at the containers that Jaehyun was placing on your kitchen counter and you thanked her.  

You turned to Jaehyun, but he avoided your eyes. You knew that he probably has not told his mother yet about your breakup and you understood that. You knew Jaehyun didn’t want to disappoint his mother. So, you just went along with it. Although inside, you were hurting. Your heart hasn’t healed, and it was breaking more every second you glanced at Jaehyun. He looked so lost and unattended. You could feel tears brimming in your eyes but you tried holding it in.

Crying in front of his mother didn’t sound like a good idea.

"So, how's university and studies so far? Doing good?"  Jaehyun’s mother asked as Jaehyun took a seat next to her after arranging the side dishes. You nodded in response, “Yeah we're graduating soon, so things are not that easy, but manageable, I guess. By the way, would you like some tea or coffee? I’ll make them for you.”

She shook her head, “It’s okay, I’m not staying that long but it’s good to hear that you’re doing well,” she cleared her throat and leaned closer to you, “Anyways, I hope you won’t get offended by what I’m about to ask.”

You blinked and slowly nodded, “S-sure.” Jaehyun sensed that something was coming. "Mum-"

Before he could even stop her, she has already thrown her question, "Are the two of you planning to get engaged as soon as you graduate?"

Silence filled the room and you could feel the tension rising.

Jaehyun groaned and ruffled his hair in frustration. “Mum, I told you to not talk about this.” She pouted, “I know, I’m sorry. I’m just curious about you two. It’s been a while since I’ve seen my future daughter-in-law.”

You awkwardly smiled without answering. Suddenly you felt as if there wasn’t enough oxygen in the room because it was suffocating. Jaehyun saw from your eyes how you were hurting and it was so hard for the two of you to be in the same space right now. So, he mustered up his courage and spoke up.

"Mum, listen,” he hesitated and took a glance at you, “We- we broke up. We’re taking a break from each other and it’s all my fault."

Your eyes widened when Jaehyun suddenly said that. You couldn’t help but feel bad for him.

Jaehyun waited for his mother to be shocked and yell at him for being such a jerk to you. He was expecting his mother to scold you for breaking up with her son. He was ready to face the wrath of his mother and was already expecting the worse. But his mother did the exact opposite.

The atmosphere was unexpectedly calm. It was so calm that it made you feel more uncomfortable.

She calmly placed a hand on top of yours and caressed it gently. "Ah I didn’t know,” she paused, “I’m so sorry for being insensitive about it, y/n. I don’t know what the both of you went through, but I hope you’re doing fine,” she smiled warmly. Her presence was so warm you wanted to just jump into her arms and cry your heart out about how much you’ve been hurting as if she was really your own mother.

Tears filled your eyes to the brim and Jaehyun’s mother noticed that immediately. She knew that the longer they stayed in your apartment, the harder it was for you. She then stood up and took her purse, “We should get going now, Jaehyun. Enjoy the side dishes, yn! Stay healthy, okay?” She smiled at you so dearly and patted your cheeks gently for one last time.

Such motherly love.

You let the tears fall slowly down your cheeks as you greet them out of your apartment because you couldn’t hold them in any longer. Jaehyun saw your tears and his heart broke even more. That’s when he realised, you weren’t doing so well either.

-

Jaehyun sat across Yewon in a café because he wanted to talk to her. He wanted to clarify things so she wouldn’t have hopes of wanting to date him. He knew his heart only belonged to you.

“You broke up with y/n anyways, and I’m partly because of it. You were also wavered by me at that time,” Jaehyun frowned at Yewon’s words, because he knew it was true. However, Yewon wasn’t the girl he wanted to be with. It was true that he was wavered by her when they texted each other daily, but it meant nothing to him.

He sighed. Yewon bit her lower lip and glanced at Jaehyun. “We don’t have to date straight away because I know you just went through a sad breakup,” she paused, “But I will wait for you.”

“Yewon,” Jaehyun started, “Even if a long time has passed after I broke up with y/n and I can date anyone I want, it wouldn’t be you.”

Yewon’s brows furrowed and she looked devastated. “W-Why not?”

“You keep on reminding me of her, so how could I date you?”

She scoffed as she heard his words, “What does that even mean?” Jaehyun let out another sigh, “The only reason I talked to you was because you reminded me of the young y/n I met in high school. So pure and innocent, felt like I needed to protect her always. When you approached me for the first time, you gave off the same vibes as her and that was what made me continue talking to you. You were so similar to y/n.”

Yewon stared at him in disbelief, “What? I-,”

Before she even continued, Jaehyun cut her off, “Don’t be mistaken. It’s not that I can’t date you because there’s y/n in the middle, but the reason I even noticed you was because of y/n.”

“So, what you’re saying is, you weren’t really wavered by me, but only talked to me because I was similar to y/n?” She said sadly, as Jaehyun lightly nodded in response.

“I’m sorry. I’m know that I’m also at fault for giving you hope back then, and I want to apologise for that. That is not something someone with a girlfriend should be doing, and I messed up. But let me tell you something, even if I’ve broken up with y/n now, I don’t have any thoughts of dating you at all. Heck, I don’t want to be with anyone else other than y/n,” Jaehyun took another glance at Yewon and drank his coffee.

Yewon looked so defeated and embarrassed because she was mistaken all along. She thought she could have a chance with Jaehyun after the breakup but unfortunately her plan went downhill.

-

Days and weeks passed as the two of you tried distracting yourselves with the upcoming exams. The final step before graduating college. You knew you couldn’t delve in deeper into being sad because of the breakup because it was affecting you negatively. But at the same time, you also knew how unhealthy it was to dismiss your own feelings.

It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to cry when you’re down. Everyone has those days. It will get better.

You tried telling this to yourself everyday and it was one of the coping skills that you realised helped.

But it wasn’t easy.

Traces of each other were left in daily routines and you can’t stop thinking about each other. 

Is it normal for every breakup to be like this?

When Jaehyun ate meals alone, he felt so lonely. He missed being in your company where you had lots to talk about. Your happy, cheerful smiles brightened up his days and now he couldn’t see them anymore. All you ever asked was his attention and that was the least he could have given you, but he failed.

He remembered how much of a jerk he had been during your last few dates before you broke up. How dare he streamed a soccer game when in front of him sitting was the most beautiful woman? Too late for regrets now.

When he went to wash up, he saw your pink toothbrush next to his and remembered the times when you were too lazy to freshen up that he had to carry you to the toilet and make brushing teeth more fun. Jaehyun laughed softly at the sweet memory. Now his days were dull. He didn’t sleep, spent all his nights studying for finals. Bed feels bigger now without you lying there with him. He even spread out all the pillows he had to feel enveloped and cope with the loneliness he was feeling.

The bed depicts so much of his heart right now, empty.

On the other hand, you weren’t doing so well either. On the outside, you looked like you were doing okay. But little did people know you were hurting every night too. When you opened your drawer, you saw some of his hoodies placed in there for him to wear whenever he sleeps over at your place, and now he doesn’t come over anymore. You felt hot tears flowing down your cheeks as you shut your eyes.

You missed him.

You missed his scent, his touch, his presence. You missed having meals with him, watching movies together, cuddling, kissing, and just… loving each other. Maybe you missed Jung Jaehyun. Maybe, just maybe, you wanted him back in your life. You never expected him to affect you so much.

-

It was soon graduation day and you made it. You still weren’t sure how you survived university, but you did. After going up stage for the certificate giving ceremony, you found yourself outdoors at the campus, staring into space.

A lot had happened throughout your journey in university and you couldn’t believe that you even got yourself a degree amid the chaos. You looked down at your degree certificate on your lap and chuckled to yourself at how ridiculous your situation was.

Staying up at night while burning the midnight oils were already so difficult, but adding a breakup on top of that? It was the worst. You swore that you almost gave up a few times, but you didn’t want to affect your future just because of the incident.

Jaehyun didn’t bother you anymore after the day his mother came to visit because he couldn’t bear seeing you heartbroken anymore. He’d always just look out for you from afar, making sure you’re safe. He didn’t want to bother you, so you can study in peace. He promised to himself that he would give you some space and look for you only after graduation.

Now there he was, on graduation day, looking for you after the ceremony ended. In his hands were his folded graduation robe and mortar board. He spotted you from afar and his gaze softened at the sight of you. You also had your robe folded next to you, while you held onto your certificate.

With a thumping heart and nervous palms, he slowly approached you. You noticed a figure coming towards you and looked up. Your eyes matched Jaehyun’s and you swear you could feel your heart bursting. It’s been a while since you’ve seen him, and you forgot how it felt to get butterflies in your tummy. But your gaze turned sad when you were realised that you were not dating him anymore.

“Hey, can I sit here?” Jaehyun asked, signaling to the empty seat next to you. You nodded in response and moved to the side to give him more space.

He sat next to you, leaving a little gap in between in case you felt uncomfortable. “You look really pretty today,” he said, “I mean, you always do.”

“Thank you,” your heartbeat got faster at his simple words and you felt yourself turning red. The wind blew and you could smell his cologne that he usually has on him. The one you bought for him because you really liked the scent on him. You missed this scent so much that it felt so unfamiliar today. But it was nice.

“Congratulations on graduating. Your efforts paid off,” he flashed a sincere smile to you. You turned away immediately because you knew you couldn’t handle looking at him. You could cry any time now because of how much you missed him. But you didn’t want him to know that. You didn’t want to show him the side of you crying because you were the one who ended the relationship. You didn’t want to seem pathetic. “You too. Congratulations,” you whispered.

“How have you been?” he asked. You almost scoffed at his obnoxious question because he obviously knows you weren’t doing well after the breakup. “Good. You?” you said in short.

“Not really.”

You blinked and didn’t reply to his answer.

The breakup happened only a few weeks before graduation and the both of you were still broken because of it. You never really had a proper closure because both kept on running away from each other, avoiding the topic. It’s now finally time to sit alone and talk about it. Just the two of you, nobody else.

“Finals really took a toll on your life, huh?” you joked, trying to make the mood livelier. But you still avoided eye contact, and it just made the situation more awkward. “Yeah. That too,” he replied.

Silence.

Jaehyun sensed that you were avoiding his eyes, so he tried to change the topic.

“Remember when we graduated high school a few years ago?”

You nodded in response, “Yeah. What about it?”

Jaehyun slightly glanced at you and chuckled to himself, “Am I the only childish one who remembers what we said then?’ You raised your brows in confusion.

He replied, “I thought we could conquer the world then. I really thought graduating high school was everything,” he laughed, “But you made me promise to graduate university together too.”

You smiled softly at the fond memory of innocent high school kids graduating. Both of you ditched the rest of your friends to go on a jjajangmyeon (black bean noodles) date together. “Yeah and we made it. We graduated both high school and university,” you replied.

Jaehyun lightly nodded and continued after a few seconds of hesitation. “But I also made another promise.”

He searched for your eyes, and this time, you looked into his sad eyes to listen to what he has to say. “I promised you that I’d take care of you and that I’d never hurt you. Your trusted me with that, but I-,” he stopped and let out a sigh, “I couldn’t fulfil it. I made you think of me as someone who would never hurt you, but I did.”

You turned silent as you listened to him. You felt bad that he thinks this way about himself. You never asked him to be perfect, you just wanted his presence in your life.

“Y/n,” he called. “Hmm?”

“I don’t think I can let go of our five-year relationship just like this. Things were so good for the five years, and only a small part of it went bad. It’s all my fault and I’m really sorry for that.”

You bit your lower lips and fondled your fingers in nervousness. You didn’t know how to reply to Jaehyun and your heart wasn’t calming itself down any moment now. You turned to him and caught his eyes. They looked so fragile, he had tears in them that looked like they were ready to fall any time now.

“I was so caught up trying to do my best for you to a point where I lost myself in between that. It made me scared whenever I think of you finding someone better than me because I know I’m not worth your love. You deserve someone so much better than me, so I tried becoming better. I tried to improve but I found myself getting lost. I sought assurance from someone else to make myself feel better, but it didn’t,” you knew he was talking about Yewon, and you nodded lightly, signalling him to continue while you listen.

“I thought that maybe talking to you less would lessen the mistakes I make, but it ended up making things worse. I was lucky enough that you gave me another chance- heck, you gave me a lot of chances and I blew them all away,” he ruffled his hair in frustration, ruining the hair he had prepared for graduation. Your brows furrowed as you stared at his now messy hair. You wanted to reach out and fix it for him, but he continued talking.

“I love you so much, I don't think I can ever let you go, y/n. The thought of losing you completely because of how I broke your heart hurt me so much that it almost killed me. You can call me a jerk, you can curse the heck out of me, you can leave me now, but I just wanted to say that it will always be you. It has always been you. I can never see myself loving someone else other than you, y/n. And I'm so sorry for hurting you. I regret it so much. I’m- I’m really sorry.”

At the end of his words, Jaehyun was already sobbing. He covered his face with his hands and just kept on crying. Your heart broke at the sight and you felt yourself tearing up as well. You extended your hands and reached out to pat his back gently. “It’s okay,” you said, “It’s okay to let it all out, Jae.”

You wiped your own tears and sniffed silently. “I’m sorry too. I should have trusted you more and gave you a chance to properly explain yourself, but I didn’t. I went along with my anger and broke up with you.”

Jaehyun’s sobs got softer and he looked up to face you. His eyes and nose were red from all the crying, but you still thought he looked adorable.

You chuckled although you still had tears in your eyes, “Do you think we can fix this? Fix us?” You asked him and gave his hair a quick fix. Jaehyun’s eyes widened as you asked that. “Does that mean you’re giving me another chance?”

You softly nodded and smiled.

“That day, when you met up with Yewon at the café after our breakup, a friend of mine was there. She didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but she heard what you said to her and told me. My friend said maybe it could help me be less angry towards you,” you chuckled, “And weirdly, it did.”

Jaehyun sighed in relief and a small smile started to appear on his face. “You told her that you talked to her because she reminded you of me?” he nodded in response to your question. “Then why didn’t you just talk to me? I was always there with you,” you asked.

Jaehyun nodded and slowly took your hands into his. Your hands were so cold because of the nervousness earlier, and the warmth from his felt so nice. As if his warm hands were made to hold yours in them. “I told you I feared making mistakes and hurting you. I wanted to be the perfect boyfriend for you and I still want to.”

You furrowed your brows, “You’re perfect with all of your flaws, Jaehyun. I thought I’ve always told you that. I love you as you are, and I don’t need you to change any bit of it. I love you, Jung Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun felt his heart beat fast when he heard that. He held your hands tighter and looked you in the eyes softly. “I love you too, y/n.”

You teared up again and slowly wrapped your arms around Jaehyun to give him a big, tight hug. A hug you’ve been wanting to give him since forever and today you finally had the chance to. Jaehyun returned the hug and wrapped his arms tightly around you too. He whispered, “I’ll never let you go again.”

“Let’s go get jjajangmyeon, just like the old days?” Jaehyun asked when you released the hug, “Anywhere with you sounds great,” you smiled and caressed his cheeks. Jaehyun leaned in and gave you a peck on the lips. Your brows raised and he shrugged.

“Couldn’t help it. My girl looks amazing today.”

The both of you stared at each other for some time and laughed. You went through so much together and now, you were happy you got back with Jaehyun. Jaehyun was also elated because he finally got bac together with the love of his life. “No one else, only you y/n.”

To happier days ahead.

It’s never too late.

    masterlist

Tell me what you think of this piece! Your comments give me lots of strength and motivation to write more and improve. I hope all of you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Thank you for your support! I really appreciate it.

[elminx]

Energy Update: Mercury Retrograde in Libra

Happy Monday? Last night Mercury stationed retrograde at 25° Libra starting our three-week-long Mercury retrograde cycle,. Mercury will march backward through from 25-10 degrees until 10/18. Normal Mercury retrograde warnings apply: things take longer in general, communication (especially internet communication) will get messy and there may be many misunderstandings, all technology can get a bit wonky, and you can likely expect to have to do some or all of the res: rethink, redo, reconsider, reawaken, realign, etc. Mercury retrograde is counterindicated, in general, for travel which shouldn't be a problem during this time. The general rule of thumb during Mercury retrograde is: think before you act, save early and often, and double-check all communications before you hit "send". Because this retrograde cycle is in Libra it will affect cardinal signs most strongly (Aries, Cancer, Libra, Capricorn) with the additional signs being strongly affected being Gemini, Leo, Virgo, Sagittarius, and Aquarius. Remember to take into account Sun, Moon, AND Ascendant when considering this above information. As Mercury moves backward through Libra, we are going to be forced to confront the way that we think/talk about our relationships (ruled by Libra). There is a hint to this process as the ruler of Libra, Venus, will spend most of the retrograde in the sign of Sagittarius. Sag is a sign of freedom and expansion which is a stark difference from the often co-dependant sign of Libra. Herein you see the inherent conflict that needs resolution. Expect the bad behaviors of Libra to be in the forefront of our minds all throughout this retrograde. Libra can be seen as the OG ruler of coupledom which can look cute but often hides a lot of relationship trauma right below the surface. As a Venus sign, the appearance of a relationship - just having a relationship AT ALL - can become so all-consuming that the health of the relationship can become immaterial. In fact, there are many Libras who seem completely incapable of leaving a relationship to such a degree that they remain in toxic situations or in a very poorly matched situation for years if not decades. Here Mercury retrograde in Libra will share something in common with Venus in Sagittarius - sometimes, both signs would rather be lied to in a way that feels good than confront the truth that may be messy or hurtful. This energy has been at play all year as we round out the last of our eclipses on the Gemini-Sag axis - you can refer back to my posts about eclipse season if you're interested in following this line of inquiry further. The reason that Mercury retrograde is so impactful is that it crosses the same points on the horoscope (here 10-15° Libra) a total of three times: one in its normal forward motion (called the pre-shadow phase), then backward during the retrograde, and finally a third time as it moves forward once more (known as its post-shadow). Because of this, we can look at the aspects that Mercury makes during this Chthonic journey to get additional insight into the way in which this retrograde cycle will potentially impact our lives. In this retrograde, Mercury makes a number of strong aspects. They will form a square with Pluto in Capricorn on 10/1 and 11/3, trine Jupiter in Aquarius on 10/3 and 11/1, conjunct the Sun and Mars on 10/9, oppose Chiron in Aries from 10/14-10/29, and make a sweet sextile to Venus on 10/16. This is a mixed bag which makes sense for a Mercury retrograde cycle. As I write about each aspect please keep in mind that although I list specific dates, these aspects play out for a couple of days before and after their moment of exactitude. Additionally, because we are in a retrograde cycle, any impact of these aspects will likely last through the retrograde and into Mercury's post shadow (I'll get to that). Sun, Mercury, and Mars conjunction at 16° Libra - this, along with the Mercury-Pluto square will likely have the strongest impact on this Mercury retrograde cycle. At this time last year, Mars went retrograde

in the sign of Aries and squared off with Pluto in Capricorn three times. We saw a ton of these Aries-Capricorn squares last year - that was a beginning. Now, one year later, Mars has made his way halfway around the horoscope to Aries' opposite sign of Libra only to square Pluto in Capricorn again. It is likely the unfinished business from the Fall of 2020 (or earlier that year) will rise to the surface - especially around how we go about getting what we want out of relationships. You may feel unmoored or directionless in and around this Libra stellium on 10/9. Especially if you've been given messages about what you need to change in your own life (Pluto in Capricorn) but you have held onto the old rather than taking steps forward towards that change. That said, astrology is the study of second chances - it is never too late to right your path. All you need to do is start walking. Mercury square Pluto in Capricorn - This indicates unfinished business, something that you need to rethink, reevaluate, redo so that you can let go and move on with your life. You may see exes or old friends reappear during this time - keep in mind that most likely these people are reappearing for a chance of closure but some people may even see rekindlings of old romances or second chances. Just keep in mind that Pluto was the God of Death, not romance. Mercury trine Jupiter - this can be a pretty nice aspect when both planets are moving forwards but is questionable (at best) when both planets are retrograde. Watch out for making mountains of molehills, for over-thinking and over-analyzing (problems during any Mercury retrograde cycle but made worse by the influence of our Great Expander Jupiter). Here the lies of Mercury retrograde may be at their height - watch out for the ways in which we are prone to dishonestly or illusion during this time, especially the ways in which we are dishonest or harbor illusions about our relationships. Notably, Mercury will be square to Pluto at the same time that they are trine to Jupiter which indicates that the lies that we tell may be very heavily loaded during this time. Expect some serious breakups and breakdowns during this time. You may discover that you and your Others are on very different pages - even that you see your relationship in a completely different light! Mercury sextile Venus in Sagittarius - this lovely sextile happens two days before Mercury stations direct again and is definitely our path forward. What has been revealed during this retrograde cycle? Can you integrate it into your life and your relationships focusing heavily on openness and freedom? Mercury opposed Chiron in Aries - this is our pain point. Mercury will oppose Chiron within 1 degree for an incredibly long time - 15 days to be exact! This is because it happens as Mercury is about to station direct and is therefore moving so slowly that they appear to stand still for an extended period of time. This shows that the Mercury retrograde cycle has been painful and many will have to go through a time of rectification during its post shadow period afterward. Chiron is always a reminder that we need to heal ourselves - that our mental well-being is our own responsibility. There is a sense here, with the axis between independent Aries and codependent Libra in play - that we need to step away from the idea that our Others can heal us. Or the idea that our Others are responsible for our Emotional States or Dysregulations. All in all, the next three weeks may feel like a real slog. We may feel fragmented or off-track. It's highly likely that the big blowups won't be until closer to the end of the retrograde and there may be a lot of cleanups to do. There's a lot of indication of some pretty big changes in the works as this cycle works itself out. In a year when change has felt nearly impossible due to our ongoing Saturn in Aquarius-Uranus in Taurus square, a chance to actually enact change sounds pretty good to me. All in all, if you keep your patience and your wits about you and

you aren't holding on to shit that you should have let go of ages ago, navigating this astrology weather should be considered Business as Usual. Remember to give your Others a metric fuckton of space during this time - especially if they have personal planets in one of the cardinal signs. What you stifle will never grow.

You can read more about how to interpret how Mercury Rx will affect you personally in my blog post on my website.

If you like my writing, please consider supporting me by Buying Me A Kofi.

[omni-izi]

19/03/22

Well isn’t this a familiar feeling. I guess this is my safe space to vent after a break up. and boy did this one suck. I can honestly say i didn’t even do anything to fuck this relationship up. Other than choosing the wrong person to date in the first place I suppose. Lies, Deception, Distance and Drama are all probably words i could use to describe it... but then again no words could accurately portray the slow and eventual reveal of the person that was hiding behind a mask painted with false colors.  To keep it short the past few months I've been yelled at, called names, witnessed her yelling at her children, slapping them, and generally being completely and utterly self destructive. My suspicions started after she started becoming so self destructive she would cross the line while she was drunk and do things that were detrimental to our relationship. Weirdly enough, she started accusing me of acting weird/flirtatious towards my cousins girlfriend. Which as nice of a girl as she is, I have absolutely no feelings for whatsoever. She accused me of these things and then broke up with me for the 3rd time on my birthday. Confused and needing some closure, I asked most of my friends who were there in person if I had done anything that crossed the line or “generally weird/offensive” towards my cousins girlfriend. Everyone said no. I decided to ask my cousins girlfriend myself if i had done anything weird because my girlfriend had claimed this and then broken up with me. She told me “no but there is tension between us” This absolutely dumbfounded me. Tension? What? I had never thought of or witnessed said tension. Which got me thinking, perhaps my girlfriend saw this tension and mistook it for flirting? In my absolute confusion i asked her to give me a call to sort it out because i didn't understand what she was talking about and was too drunk to be able to spell properly. She didn’t call but said she would explain in the morning. I woke up the next morning and we both agreed it felt like we were being a bit suss (although no ill intent) and that we obviously had no feelings for each other so a conversation about it isn’t even needed to start with. Still weird right? I conferred with a friend on if I should talk to everyone about that conversation as I felt odd about it and what she said to me didn’t exactly sit right with me. He told me “No, nothing happened and you’re probably looking way too far into it, she texted me very similar things and was baiting me into saying bad stuff” Which is pretty accurate. Still, it felt weird to have my girlfriend accuse me of these utterly untrue motives... It made me start thinking perhaps - she was projecting. And projecting she was. Cue a few more breakups, me finding male underwear in her drawer, more mental breakdowns and distance from her and she gets a call and follow accepted request on instagram. The guy she cheated on her ex with was calling her. at 12:02am. She had gone onto instagram, requested to follow him and then he called her. Now if that isn’t intent to cheat, or an indicator of something happening then i don't know what the fuck is. My best friend and cousin is now asking to talk to me in person about something - and won’t even tell me what it is. He’s implying I'veyyyyyyyyyy5 done something wrong - which is entirely crazy as I've done nothing. I literally just got cheated on and he’s ignoring me and implying I've done something but wont even tell me? Talk about fucking depressing. My other cousins girlfriend contacted me last night after i asked if her and my cousin are coming to a bush doof. She was saying some absolutely inappropriate stuff (in my opinion) and almost seems like she's baiting me to confess feelings that i don’t have for her. (i was drunk so not sure how i came across to her) but i had my good friend sit with me and mull over what she was saying and what she could possibly mean by it. It’s clear that SHE has feelings for me, but morally that's wrong. She claims she isn’t dating him, but i would say otherwise. and that doesn't take away from the fact that I DONT have any feelings for her. My major concern is she is taking something I've said out of context and either thinks that I have feelings for her - or she is baiting me into saying something to start drama. I'm guessing this is probably what my cousin wants to talk about... but how do i deny something I have no proof of? (she deleted all of her messages) This feels absolutely crazy and like something from a movie. I’ve just been cheated on - or at least split up with my girlfriend because of her intent to cheat, and now i feel like im being accused of cheating with someone im not even into? How do i even process something like that? In the end we are all left completely and utterly alone.

[eukennedy]

⟨ LORENZO ZURZOLO. DEMIBOY. HE/THEY. ⟩ though the mist might prevent some from seeing it, KENNEDY MORETTI-KING is actually a descendent of A T H E N A. it’s still a question of whether or not the TWENTY-THREE year old MEDICAL STUDENT from MILAN, ITALY has taken after their godly parent completely, but the demigod is still known to be quite BRILLIANT & SELFISH.

FULL NAME: kennedy moretty-king. NICKNAME(S): he prefers his full name, but gets ‘ken’, ‘kenny’ and ‘king’ often. AGE: twenty-three. BIRTHDAY: november 1st. GENDER: demiboy. PRONOUNS: he/they. ( mostly goes by he, but doesn’t care ) ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: panromantic. SEXUAL ORIENTATION: pansexual. MAJOR: he’s currently in med school, but completed a bachelor’s of science in neuroscience. HEIGHT: 6′1". MORAL ALIGNMENT: neutral evil. MBTI: ENTP HOGWARTS HOUSE: slytherin. TRAITS: ambitious, intelligent, disingenuous, judgmental, quick-witted, selfish, petty, passionate, outgoing, charming.

short bio blurb.

for your first few years of life, your cries are met with warm consoling arms, kisses over scraped knees and meals around the dinner table. as you grow older, the concept washes out of sight like a salty tide: slowly, then all at once. your parents draw the lines and your nannies color them in, and with time you realize you might in fact be the only kid in history who doesn’t resent them for it. not one bit.

a son of two brilliant surgeons ( your godly parent delivered you as a gift, but your real mother is not athena ), your life has been filled with ten-minute holidays and interrupted birthdays. as you grew to understand it, you discovered you hardly minded much. after all, you inherited your parents’ desire for medicine and excellence, and you aspire to be so busy one day, crave it, actually, so you fill your need for attention elsewhere and allot the rest of your time to achieving perfection. you’re in the stars and you know it; there’s no time to hold success against the people that drove you there.

though your family’s social circle shifted its orbit to the rich and powerful, they remain grounded as ever. for this, your ego is your best kept secret at home. mother and father would grill you for your narcissistic reputation, so you hide it when you’re back for the holidays behind big smiles and perfectly plated meals. they want you to be proud, not arrogant, but it’s not your fault: you just can’t help that you’re always right.  

if you fall, though, you fall far –- the morettis and the kings don’t throw money at problems.

they solve them.

your desire for greatness burns bright in your belly and your affinity for it has a habit of taking over the more tender parts of your heart. you’re not cruel, just destined, and nothing puts you on your toes faster than a threat, so you remove them. poll ten people and seven might think you brutal in your ambition, but all is fair in love, war and the pursuit of knowledge.

you’re focused but more romantic than what meets the eye.  while chocolates and flowers aren’t your forte, but loyalty and dedication are. there’s no better lover than one who has a habit of sinking its teeth into anything they love, and you’re a dog whose never given up a bone in his life.

your softer inner workings are there underneath and you’re not ashamed, not at all, they’ll bring you the other piece of the puzzle one day. someone to help you hold that trophy high above your head and someone to smile while they do. vulnerability doesn’t set you back; it propels you, but you’re still skating around how to equip it just right. you’re prone to using words like fire to mask your ego, and communication fizzles out by a stinging touch.

now, you turn your head toward the future. the snap of latex gloves and the slice of a scalpel. the desire to invent, to perform, to heal – anything along the way is a blip, a moment, but nothing that can’t be solved when you refuse to stop. your fate is in your hands.

background breakdown.

kennedy moretti-king is the son of two famous surgeons: dr. giada moretti-king ( mostly known as dr. moretti ) and dr. jason king. both have made several advancements in their fields, dr. moretti herself working on innovative tools to advance laparoscopic surgery as a general surgeon, and dr. king as a renowned cardiothoracic surgeon.

dr. jason moved to america to italy where he met giada and that’s also where they were gifted little kennedy here, so he was raised in milan for the most part, where both his parents work at grande ospedale metropolitano niguarda. 

while many others have struggled to find where a godly parent or a demigod child fits into their lives, their family was completely different. kennedy was an experiment of sorts, a gift from athena to one of the most intelligent human couples that couldn’t bear their own children. for that, athena has remained relatively removed from kennedy’s life, though he’s almost always been aware of her existence. athena remains quite happy with kennedy and his parents raising him as their own, and kenny knows giada as his mother, not athena. 

although his parents were absent more often than not due to their demanding work lives, kennedy knew from a young age that he wanted to follow in their footsteps. raised mostly by various nannies over the years, kennedy was bothered when he was younger when his parents didn’t make it to every recital; however, this was mostly erased as he grew old enough to understand their occupations.

it was love at first sight when kennedy visited the hospital. maybe not the bloody surgery part, but medicine in general, the intense need to know about the body. why it worked the way it did. he was absolutely fascinated. the time he did spend with his parents was used to soak up all the knowledge he could, and they never minded much. it gave them common ground to love the same thing.

the kings were glad to have one son that wanted to follow in their footsteps, and so even if there’s a large distance between them at times, kennedy has always had a fairly good relationship with his parents, even if that comes with immense pressure. his parents would’ve been equally as happy should he had wanted to pursue something else ( all they wanted was a happy and healthy child ) but kenny’s desire to pursue the same line of work was a welcome coincidence. they teach him everything they know, but they’re well aware it won’t be very long until he knows far more than they do.

due to his constant pursuit of knowledge, athena’s never quite bothered to interfere in his life but the threats that lurk outside the protected walls were the reason kennedy chose to pursue education within eonia’s campus.

it should also be said that his parents are extremely dope people, they both did a lot of pro bono work, charity work and partook in doctors without borders. they are Rich Rich and so is kennedy, but they very much wanted him to have a down-to-earth experience. it failed, in some ways, but while kennedy could be years ahead in his studies, it’s limited so he’s only about a year or so ahead of his peers. they wanted him to have a social life! and not be an emotionally stunted child genius! but alas, it did not entirely work out <3

personality breakdown.

to say he’s a perfectionist is an understatement. he simply refuses to go into a field and be the flop of the family, so his pursuit of knowledge is pretty unparalleled. he takes his studies seriously, and doesn’t really relate to the college life of skipping 8ams to nurse hangovers.

not that he doesn’t have them -– but we love a man that perseveres.

wish i had his confidence of just assuming everything’s going to go his way. his label means force or necessity, and that’s because kennedy has a way of making things working in his favor with pure force. ‘kennedy, aren’t you worried you’ll fail?’ ‘no.’ ‘how?i’ ‘because i won’t let myself. duh’

although he doesn’t have the softest personality due to the lack of being hugged as a child, kennedy, at his core, isn’t entirely evil. he’s capable of caring about people and does. he’s a passionate person, and that can translate to love and loyalty for the right people. he doesn’t half-ass anything, so when he commits it’s on.

still, the boy has quite an ego. for him to think something is good enough to commit to takes a bit. he’s got particular taste, never backs down from a fight, and almost annoyingly always thinks he’s right. his ambition can sometimes blind him to the point of selfishness at times, even if his heart is in the right place.

he’s got his good qualities, though! for someone he loves, he’s there. he’s quite dependent when he wants to be, and he’s smart as anything. if you need help getting out of a jam, his brain is basically hardwired to know how to land on his feet.

kennedy is very organized and put together. never catch a wrinkle, even on his plain t-shirts. he shows his love through helping: he’s more likely to help you clean your dorm or organize your study notes for your test than deliver a monologue on his love for you, but it counts! you just need to know what to look for.

a brat but sometimes a lovable brat.

wanted connections.

a best friend. kennedy grew up without serious parental figures ( not by choice, but they were busy rip ), so i’d love a childhood best friend with him that accepts him for his personality flaws. he would be hella ride or die for this person, which he isn’t for much of anyone else, so that means quite a bit! someone to keep him grounded, call him out on his bullshit, but not completely destroy his ego.

exes. honestly, kennedy can be quite the petty betch. i can envision a lot of ugly breakups in his past OR we can plot some exes on good terms! he’s not totally emotionally stunted, can be quite a good boyf when he wants to be, but also a complete nightmare too. any gender feel free !

hookups. self-explanatory. college life. the nature of their relationship will be entirely dependent on the muses and their dynamic, but kennedy isn’t always the nicest to his casual flings depending on their dynamic. some friends with benefits could work, though, for positive casual connections.

enemies. okay, look at this bratty bitch. there is no way he doesn’t have some, if not many, enemies. he has a temper and doesn’t like to be told no, so if you ever wanna verbally spat it out, feel free. he won’t swing, tho. those are surgeon’s hands, baby.  

hate-to-love friendship. someone dopey or complete unambitious that somehow kennedy still loves despite them being total opposites. he doesn’t get why they don’t do their assignments, or why they fall asleep drunk in the bathtub twice a week, but he really can’t deny that they amuse him and he cares about them.

anything else!

[joontier]

Read or Ride

—> Pairing: namjoon x female reader

—> Genre/warnings: crack basically, joon tryna fite a baby, sMUTTY SMUT SMUT - oral (m and f receiving), riding

—> Words: 5.4k

—> Summary: Unknowingly dissing a novel right in front of its author? We’ll see how that ends.

—> A/N: Comeback is real loves

There's something about airports that Namjoon loves - a satisfactory sensory experience: whether it be the wheels rolling against the shiny tiled floors; children playing along the moving walkways, pretending to be Michael Jackson and doing moonwalks; the sound of getting your passports stamped; or the boarding tickets getting ripped.

But, there's one thing rising author Kim Namjoon distinctively enjoys. People-watching.

Not in a creepy way, of course. Namjoon loves the range of emotions attached to airports and how he witnesses all these first-hand. There are anticipation and excitement from those who were traveling for leisure, sadness from those who have to leave their families temporarily, indifference from people who have to travel for business. For Namjoon, airports are easily on top of the list when it comes to public places, despite having to pay an excessive amount for a bottle of water or a bland donut.

Namjoon takes delight in observing humanity, to say the least. It's what constantly inspires him to write and inspire other people in return. The tall twenty-four-year-old just passed the immigration area and is on his way to the boarding gate to sit down and enjoy the overpriced coffee he bought moments earlier. He doesn't want to brag about finally making it big, but when a lady asked for a picture taken with him and asked him to sign on a piece of paper, he couldn't help the subsequent spring in his step when he continues towards his destination. Namjoon takes a mental note to tell this later to his mother who has a google notification alert set for her son's name.

Only a few people are lounging in the boarding area when Namjoon arrives and looks for a seat near a socket where he can charge his phone. You look up from your seat as he approaches and Namjoon gives you a small smile as he takes one across yours. Moments later, after Namjoon sends a message to both his mother and agent informing them of his soon departure, he notices you pull out a book from your carry-on, the all-too-familiar white cover catching his attention.

Namjoon tries not to laugh at the absurdity of the situation but also attempts not to pump too much air into his head with the photo op earlier and now having to watch someone read his book. He must've hit it big this time, as his third novel has finally reached the New York Times Best Seller List, despite originally having it published halfway across the world and in another language.

Your eyes scan the book's summary at the back and Namjoon feels like he's been punched in the gut as he doesn't miss the way your nose scrunch after going through the short passage. That's a first. The author tries to divert his attention by scrolling mindlessly across social media but still secretly gauging your reaction as you finally start reading the book. He takes a look at his surroundings, enjoying his watching of the never-ending arrival of planes and putting his peripheral vision to the test as he observes your reaction from time to time.

He's thankful that you're focused on reading the book because minutes after looking forward to your facial feedback, he realized he's harboring quite the crush on you. Pretty quick and unusual for a stranger and even more in a public place full of it, but Namjoon claims you're close, if not completely, to his type.

You've gone for an autumn-inspired look, sporting a white sweater, white-washed ripped jeans, oxfords, and a cashmere caramel coat draped over your knees. Not to mention the gold-rimmed glasses perched on your nose, giving off an incredibly homey feel. The way your hair falls from your shoulders as you dropped something or the way you push the bridge of your glasses up also doesn't go amiss. He just finds everything you do endearing, and it takes him all his patience and self-control to not walk over to your seat and introduce himself.

It's been a while since he's been in a relationship, his harshest breakup the inspiration for his first novel. He's tried to go on blind dates set up by his friends, mostly Seokjin, but none of them felt right. Namjoon wasn't sure if it was simply bad timing, or he's gone through a phase of enjoying his freedom from a toxic past.

Namjoon's outright staring is momentarily interrupted when you stand up all of a sudden, placing a random receipt you grabbed from your bag and using it as a bookmark. He takes a look around and sees people forming a queue near the gates, thankful that you hadn't noticed his more than inappropriate staring.

Since a small plane will be accommodating your four-hour flight, the airline staff tells everyone to queue by seat order, calling those seated in the far end of the plane to get in first. There are a few people between where you and Namjoon stand, and Namjoon can't help but hold on to the small sliver of hope that you two will be seated next to each other.

The staff then proceeds to call on those who occupy the mid-section of the plane, and excitement bubbles inside Namjoon as you both move forward in the queue, passing those who were still waiting to be called. The rest of the jet bridge is quiet save the rolling of suitcases' wheels against the plastic flooring and Namjoon's steadily increasing heartbeat. Namjoon was usually suave when it comes to interaction with the opposite sex but God, where is all this high-schooler shit coming from?

He searches for his own seat, chanting the alphanumeric characters in his head like a mantra. Namjoon nearly bumps into you as you stop by the twenty-sixth row, lifting up your carry-on towards the cabin. He would've offered a hand with that but Namjoon's brain was too busy with the fact that you were going to be seated next to him. Almost. Well, you were seated next to the window and Namjoon was next to the aisle, and God forbid someone to take the seat in between.

A couple of minutes more pass and the head flight attendant announces that the plane is doing its final ground checks and will be departing soon. Admittedly, Namjoon absolutely adores airports, but the flight itself? Not so much. He despises the way his stomach lurches during take-off and landing, and can't help imagining that one of the plane's engines will give out, crash head-first in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, and if he surprisingly lives, he'd go all-out survival mode on an uncharted island with the minimal knowledge he'd gotten from watching survival documentaries on National Geographic.

He's elated when he figures no one's seated between you, but that fact wasn't enough to calm his nerves as the engines finally roar into life. A part of him curses the person supposed to be seated between you for not showing up, so now you'd have to witness him shaking more vigorously than a rattlesnake's tail.

Namjoon completely misses out on the aircraft's safety regulations, shifting endlessly in his seat and as the plane finally reaches the runway, you can't help but ask him if he's okay. Initially, he's pleasantly surprised by your voice, how it's equally angelic as your face, but the nagging voice at the back of his head overthrows yours and it takes him a few seconds to register that you're trying to talk to him.

"Me? I, uh, yeah," he stammers out, completely at a loss of words. "Sorry, flying isn't just my thing," Namjoon chuckles nervously. Your eyes travel to the way he's gripping onto the armrest, knuckles almost turning white with tightness. "Do you want me to hold your hand?" His head snaps up to look at you, and your cheeks instantly flush with heat while the man looks at you dubiously. "I mean, my Nana gets anxious during flights so she holds my hand all throughout the trip..." the last words come out of your mouth in mumbles.

'Great,' Namjoon thinks. Now, the girl he has a crush on, who, by some miracle, happens to sit right next to him, thinks he has the same flight tolerance as a God-knows-how-old granny. Way to go, Kim Namjoon. He's torn between having a deflated ego and a nearing a nervous breakdown and decides that having to deal with the latter would be easier, considering the situation and his options.

"Um...sure," Namjoon finally answers, reaching out his hand for you. You send him a genuine smile as you link your hands with his. He feels worse than a baby traveling for the first time. Just then, he twists his head to look across the aisle, just to see a year-old baby smiling back at him as if to mock him.

‘Wow’, wonders Namjoon, ‘since when were humans too young to be taught about respect?’

Namjoon wasn't sure when he'd fallen asleep but when he opens his eyes, it's already been three hours since they departed. It saddens him that your hands were no longer linked together, though he did enjoy the short period that they were. Your hands were so soft and your fingers felt like they had the right size just to fit perfectly into his. Under the disguise of rubbing his nose, pretending that there was a small itch, Namjoon finds himself swiftly inhaling the scent of your hand cream, shea butter, one of his favorites.

If Namjoon felt like a creep earlier, there was nothing compared to what he felt now. He tries to keep his thinking straight again, and as his eyes drift back to the passengers seated across the aisle, he finds a pair of big blue eyes from the baby staring back at him, with the same mocking smile earlier.

Namjoon raises an eyebrow at the small human as if taunting him to say something. The blue-eyed baby stares at him back, before sticking his tongue out at the author and bursting into a fit of laughter. The joyful sound caused smiles to etch into the faces of nearby passengers, but to Namjoon, it was the purest form of ridicule he has received for the past twenty-four years of his life.

He opens his mouth to say something intelligible but realizes he's trying to fight with someone nearly a quarter of his height so he closes his mouth and ignores the baby. The pilot announces that you'll be reaching your destination in less than an hour, and Namjoon decides that this was the perfect time to initiate a conversation with you - it was now or never.

The words appear in jumbles in his head, so when he settles on something as safe as "Pretty interesting book you got there," he lets out a long-held exhale of air. You look up from your reading and place the bookmark-receipt on the page where you stopped. Ah, the mark of an avid reader - anything of close proximity can be deemed a bookmark.

"Yeah, recommended and given by a friend. Not into these types of novels though," you answer, lips forming a tight smile. "What's your type then?" Namjoon asks, unsure if he's still on the topic of novels.

"Mystery. Adventure, political or historical, perhaps," comes out your reply, and you tilt your head as if thinking of more. "Romance novels these days... they almost all have the same storyline. Whether they end up together or not."

"So this is a stereotypical novel then?" the latter asks with eyebrows raised.

"Well, I haven't reached the end yet, and I don't really want to prejudice..." she pauses for a moment and turns to book to check the front, "N.J. Kim, whoever he or she is."

Namjoon hopes that you don't skip to the last page of the book to see his face in monochrome and a short paragraph on his journey of being a writer to accompany that. "It's a cute story though, very light mood compared to those I've read recently. A change of atmosphere is appreciated once in a while." While Namjoon wants to convince you that things are about to get heavier in the final chapters and the upcoming sequel despite you being cute and all, but that would've been throwing a year and a half's work straight to the bin.

Before Namjoon decides that it's not his book that he wants to talk about, his bladder starts acting up so he excuses himself for a while and stands up from his seat. His long legs stride down the aisle and he comes face-to-face again with the blue-eyed baby. What has he ever done in his life for little humans to despise him this much?

The year-old boy rests his chin on his mother's shoulder and stares at him, doe eyes adding to the intensity. Then he breaks out into a fit of laughter again causing the mother to turn around and look at the reason. She sends Namjoon a brief smile before heading to the lavatory with her son giving him a two-teethed smile.

When he comes back to his seat ten minutes later, he finds you still reading. Although this time around, he finally builds up enough courage to initiate a proper conversation. That is until you beat him to it. "Quite the line down there yeah?" Namjoon chuckles in agreement, buckling his seatbelt. There's a pregnant pause before you reach out your hand to him for the second time today. You state your name as he returns the gesture, "Namjoon," the author replies along with a dimpled smile.

"So what's your story?" Namjoon inquires, shifting his body so he could lean his elbow on the armrest. "Just taking a break from work...And a friend recommends the place too," comes your reply.

"Ah, the same friend that gave you that book?"

"Yep."

"You seem to trust that friend's judgment."

"Yeah, and now I know not to," you sigh, resting your head against the chair. "Why so?"

"This book is almost like what I expected. The reason I don't delve into romance because ninety percent of it is mostly crap. I enjoy reality. I revel in its authenticity, unlike fabricated ones like these where the female character always seems to come in some form of distress and lacks the confidence to solve her own problems. So here comes Mr. Perfect clad in his knightly armor with two propositions a) he tries to solve all the lady's troubles or b) he'll just add himself to the list and cause more inconvenience."

Namjoon, now sporting a wounded ego, intends to retaliate, but decides on keeping the conversation going rather than defending himself. He lets you rant about previous books you’ve read and your thoughts on it while he tells stories from his travels around the world, smoothly avoiding the reality of him being a writer and you were just criticizing his novel.

--

There's a pang in your chest once you've parted ways with the stranger you've acquainted with. You've never had an interaction with a guy before who listened intently as Namjoon did, not even at work to say the least. You couldn't deny the fact that he was cute either, so having to know just the name of a possible total catch was upsetting.

It's a quick ride to your hotel and when you reach the building, you make sure to take a snap to send to Ariel. Something feels off once the driver hands you your luggage, remembering that your case seemed to be lighter than your own. You don't put much thought to it as you want to take a nap once you get to the room before heading out to the city.

As soon as the receptionist hands you the key card, you do a near sprint towards the closing doors of the elevator, waving your free hand to the passengers. Sleep was about to overcome you, dozing off during the elevator ride and using your luggage as support but you knew you wouldn't be able to sleep well when you don't wash up after a long trip.

You fall on your knees once you get to the room, dragging the luggage down with you, too tired to exert any more effort. You put in the combination to the lock with one eye open, resting your back against the bed frame. Your head shoots up when you see 1-2-3 on the wheels and the zipper won't slide open. Shit.

You hadn't bothered changing the default combination when you bought the bag two weeks ago. You hadn't found any other reason to do so anyway. Seeing as no one else could've had changed it during that time, you check the rest of the luggage and inspected if it was truly yours. It seemed like yours from the front, the logo still in its place and a red lining along with the zippers.

When you twist the bag to check the rest of it though, you find out that the blue luggage tag you've attached to the side handle with a label 'DO NOT TOUCH' is nowhere to be seen. A thin laminated card has taken its place instead. It takes you by surprise when the card reads 'N.J. Kim' along with his contact information in case of loss. There was no way you could've been on the same flight as the author of the book you were just reading. Not to mention you didn't have anything good to say about the book too.

You find yourself pressing the numbers on your phone regardless, just wanting to get your first day of vacation hassle-free. It takes a few rings before someone picks up, a male voice saying something in Korean. You weren't that all too familiar with the language, although you remember Ariel watching a drama of some sort and came across the phrase.

"Um, hello?" you answer with crossed fingers, wishing that the person on the other line could speak in English.

"Yes hello. Who is this?" You breathe out a sigh of relief as the guy responds.

"I'm ______ and I'm looking for N.J. Kim. May I speak to him please?"

"Sorry but Mr. Kim isn't available at the moment. Would you like me take a message for him?"

"Yes, please. Could you tell him that I've mistaken his luggage for mine? Perhaps he's taken mine by mistake too?" you pause as you think for a solution to meet halfway "Maybe we could meet up somewhere so I can give this back at once."

The man mumbles something in Korean but judging by the way he spoke, he sounded like he was reprimanding a small kid. "Yes of course. I shall relay your message ASAP. Although I have to remind you that he won't be available until after a few hours. Would you be willing to wait until then, Ms. _____?"

"A few hours?!" you can't hide the risen pitch of your voice and you cough as you echo what he said one more time. "My apologies miss, but Mr. Kim is currently at an event. If this is of utmost importance to you, as his agent, I'd like to personally help you if you are willing to pass by the venue now. It's at a hotel in the heart of the city."

Not wanting to prolong your stress any longer, you respond in the affirmative. The guy, who you later learned to be Seokjin Kim, gave you the address of the book signing event.

- - -

A sudden wave of realization hits you when you see a standee by the hotel’s lobby - one around Namjoon’s height and his dimpled smile, holding the book you were just reading. And criticizing. He looks more of a recording artist than a best-selling author with promotions like these, but the thought of openly complaining about a book in front of its author is eating at your conscience and you feel your legs turning into jelly.

You head towards the function room, remembering that you still have the novel in your bag. God, this is going to haunt you like a terrible nightmare. You notice some girls standing a few meters away from the doors and you hear them giggling and talking about Namjoon. It doesn’t surprise you though, knowing for a fact that your seatmate on the plane could easily pass for a celebrity.

The guards let you in when they see your book and as you enter there is an elevated platform with Namjoon seated with a while interacting with his fans while signing the books. A crowd of nearly all girls are seated facing the platform, few are taking pictures and some are cheering him on, occasionally asking him questions while he continues to sign the novels.

You continue to watch the whole scenario, not noticing someone walk to your side. “You must be _____,” he asks. “Seokjin Kim.” Introducing himself as his agent, he leads you to a waiting room behind the stage and asks you to wait as the event is about to end.

Thirty minutes and an awful lot of screaming later, Namjoon enters the room and for a moment you’re taken aback by his presence. He has his hair styled up this time, dressed up in clothes that fit his size more compared to what he looked like a few hours ago at the airport. Not that he looked any less cuter though.

You’re thankful you taken a seat on a couch on the other side of the room openly ogling him. He hasn’t noticed you yet, picking up a few personal things near the vanity mirror. “Hyung, you should’ve seen the girl I sat next to at the plane! She was... fuck. I can’t get her off my-“ Namjoon spins just enough to see you there, visibly swallowing when he couldn’t finish his sentence.

“So you’ve met Ms._______,” Seokjin states as he re-enters the room. Namjoon remains speechless as you answer for him “I’m the girl he sat next to on the plane.” You don’t know how you’ve managed to gather up the confidence to say that, but the smirk playing on Seokjin’s lips is not helping.

“Well done, hyung. Well done,” someone claps from behind Namjoon, checking you out in the most obvious way possible. He waves at you, introducing himself as Jimin and cousin of Namjoon. He extends a hand his hand out for a shake, sending you a wink when you return the greeting.

Jimin, the blonde-haired adonis, reaches something from the pocket of his jeans and slaps it on Namjoon’s chest. You see a hotel key card, and the all-too-recognizable aluminum packet of a condom behind it. “Your luggages are in the room,” Jimin informs, sending a wink to Namjoon this time.

Face paling quickly, Namjoon coughs and quietly asks you to follow him, not meeting your eyes. The elevator doors open, Namjoon walks in first with you following closely behind. Sadly, you didn’t notice the gap between the doors and you trip, landing face flat on Namjoon’s chest which was firmer than your will to live at that moment. You’re sure your face has gone through all shades of red now, the rest of the elevator ride unbearable.

“This is going to be awkward, but, I- um...I’d like to apologize for what I’ve said back at the plane...about your book...” You cringe at your words, a very vivid memory of you ranting now etched permanently inside your brain.

"How about I prove you wrong about my novels?"

He drags his finger along the edge of the lamp by the corner, absentmindedly feeling the smooth surface and not wanting to meet your eyes.  When he turns to look at you though, it takes three seconds to register that your lips are finally on his, your mouth firmly pressing against Namjoon's.

It's just as soft as he imagined, the cherry taste of your lip balm leaving him wanting for more as you suddenly pull away. "You have no idea much I've imagined--" Namjoon starts to speak but you place a finger on his lips to shush the man. "Shut up and kiss me already."

His hand finds its way to your neck, while the other supports his weight as he gently pushes you to the wall. Once more, your lips meet together and a shiver runs down Namjoon's spine, sending charges throughout his whole body, especially down south. Namjoon leaves your lips for your cheek, then your jawline and he's thankful that you look up in bliss, giving him more access to your throat.

Slender fingers travel to the hem of your sweater, lifting it a little so his fingertips dance their way onto the expanse of your skin under your clothing. You push yourself off the wall to take off the ridiculous amount of clothing you still have on while Namjoon forcibly opens his button-down shirt, the sound of buttons falling muted against the carpeted floor.

Namjoon curses under his breath when your hand brushes by the erection straining against his jeans. It's almost embarrassing for him to get hard so quickly this time, but no one could've blamed him when a pretty girl was already on her knees ready to suck him off. Namjoon feels the room temperature rising by the second, beads of sweat slowly glistening his forehead. When his cock finally springs free from the confines of his boxers, you grab his length, tentatively swiping your thumb across the slit, a string of pre-cum glazing your finger.

Kim Namjoon is definitely blessed.

He lets out a hiss when you bring your lips to his cock, letting the tip of your tongue trace the singular vein popping from his length. Namjoon isn’t sure which is hotter - your mouth on his cock or the visual you’re generously providing him with.

“Fuck, enough of that.” He guides you up, supporting you by the waist. Namjoon then pushes you down to lay on the bed, hair splayed all over the pillows and your torso hitting the soft bedding. He captures your lips in an eager yet playful kiss while his hands travel along the length of your body.

He growls into the kiss, one hand reaching down to open your thighs. As Namjoon’s cock brushes against your clothed cunt, you helplessly lift your hips to grind against his, desperate for some friction. “Not so fast, baby girl,” Namjoon whispers against your skin, nipping lightly at the shell of your ear.

“Joonie please,” you whimper, his cock twitching at the sound. Pulling down your bra to expose your breasts, Namjoon’s featherlight touches around the area hardens your nipples in an instant and he brings his lips to the hardened nub then blowing cool air against it as he does the same with the other.

Having enough of the man’s teasing, you plan on giving him a taste of his own medicine when your hands travel slowly to his length. Namjoon notices the motion of your hands though, taking both your hands with one hand and pinning them above your head. He then proceeds to revel in the smoothness of your skin until he reaches your thighs and looks up at you, sending you a flirty wink.

Kim Namjoon will be the death of you and you’re sure as hell enjoying every second of it.

He moves closer, nose expertly brushing against your covered clit. You shiver at the feeling, and the moment Namjoon pushes your panties to the side and flattens his tongue against your folds, you instantly let out a cry of pleasure. He wastes no time taking off your underwear for you, feeling and seeing your excitement at par with his. Namjoon continues with his torture, licking his lips when he finally sees your folds glistening, sweet and ready to be divulged. His skilled tongue circles your clit and then slides into your clenching hole to get a taste. You whine, hands tugging at his hair at his ministrations. You almost lose it when his tongue meets your clit again, this time sucking on the bud. You wriggle your hips, trying to free yourself but Namjoon pins you down with strong hands, licking and sucking at the nub.

“I-I’m so... so close,” you moan, breathless when Namjoon suddenly pulls away. Your head snaps up and you stare at him incredulously. “You know, I’d love watching you come apart with my tongue, but I’d rather have you cum on my cock,” he rasps out, manhandling you so that you’re seated on his lap in one swift motion.

"Ride me," Namjoon's voice drops to a whisper, his mind clouding as he feels your center pressing against his cock. You notice him hesitate for a moment, staring at his discarded jeans on the floor, remembering the condom Jimin handed him together with the key card. “I’m clean and on the pill.” You reassure him, getting a soft ‘fuck’ in return. You lower down to let his cock grind against your entrance, the divine feeling making you both shudder and moan. If he already feels like this even before he's inside you, your mind couldn't possibly cope with what could happen moments later.

Once you're positive that you've already coated his length with more than a generous amount of your slick, you give him a quick kiss before pushing him further towards the headboard. Slowly, you sink down onto him, the breach making you gasp out in pleasure. Your eyes close for a moment as he finally reaches the hilt, letting yourself get used to the feeling of him stretching you out.

Subconsciously squeezing around him, Namjoon lets out a broken moan, his line of vision focusing on where both of you are joined as one. You start rocking your hips slowly, placing your hands on his shoulders for support. "Is this okay?" you ask him, his silence causing you the slightest hint of worry. "Yes, oh-" he responds, heaving a sigh when you squeeze yourself around him, the previously articulate man now at a loss for words.

“Shit, if you keep doing that...” Namjoon rasps, hands on your waist tightening when you clench around him again, purposely this time. “Like this?” you confirm, enjoying his reactions. You continue moving your hips, forward then back, reveling in the feeling of his cock a snug fit inside you. Unfortunately, after letting your gym membership crumble to dust, your stamina is not cut out for reaching your highs like this. Namjoon notices your movements stutter, and starts snapping his hips up to help you.

God, he’s reaching in too deep like this and you don’t think you’re going to last that long like this. Slowly, you feel that familiar pressure building up inside you, eyes rolling to the back of your head. When Namjoon’s thumb finds your clit, it finally hits you so strongly that your body bows towards his, hands resting on his chest for support.

Namjoon, desperate for his own release as well, switches your position one more time. “How are you so tight?” He mutters to himself, face hovering above yours as he supports himself on his elbows, snapping his hips as he gets lost in the feeling of having your walls clench around him. “One more time for me, baby.” You’ve come to adore the pet name he’s given you, but when he said that with a particularly strong thrust, your muscles contracting once more.

Namjoon’s hips stutter, and while you mewl against his chest for the overstimulation, he lets out a deep grunt as he reaches his climax, using your pussy to get off. You reach your high again one more time, clutching onto the bedsheets for dear life. He’s still breathing hard while he slips out of you, planting a kiss on your cheek as he heads to the bathroom to get a washcloth. When he returns, he finds you’ve turned to lie on your side, already snoring softly.

‘Guess who fell asleep now?’ He chuckles to himself, proceeding to carefully wipe the remnants of your intimacy on your thighs.

[altarflame]

Let me give you this real country music breakdown.

Keeping in mind that 2019 involved lots of gut wrenching transition, including divorce and selling my home of 11 years (the longest I’ve ever lived anywhere). Moving away from the tropics, to a place where the ocean is usually too far and my plants can’t live outside through the winter. I had a kid move out and away, for the first time.   My oldest friend also died last August, after a scant 3 month long battle with cancer. It was a real plague upon my proverbial dog, wife, and pickup truck. And, of course, I’m living through a pandemic, and a long overdue but very emotional racial justice uprising, with the rest of you, now. Anyway. OTHER than those things, my 2020 has been like...My sister’s gradually, gut wrenchingly cut off all contact with me over the past couple of years, culminating in the last couple of months, whenst we no longer speaketh at all. I’ve fought hard for this to be different and it’s still very sharp. I don’t think I’ll ever give up hope, or stop making a fool of myself about it. A new friend I was starting to really care about hung herself in April. I’ve tried to be there for her husband and 5 year old daughter when and how I can, which is honestly not much. I’ve taken several people who were scared to go alone, to her grave.  I felt forced to break up with the person I thought was my soul mate, these past 3 years, and wanted to be with forever, and I have grieved it hard over the last couple of months. I’m still processing this. I’m gonna be processing this for awhile. My threshold for being anywhere near him without overwhelming sobbing is apparently approximately 45 seconds. In the beginning we were scrambled together, mixed in a celestial bowl and hand fluffed with a feather. And the tears of bliss were not amiss - it was a good day.  But the story nears the present time Of restlessness and wake up calls Wake up! Years have flown fast but then who's counting The wars have been won but there's few left standing between us And the shadows of Christmas past... Critically acclaimed but sadly underrated - Fortune definitely favored us, but no one celebrated. Our wits were splitting at their ends... We gazed upon the city lights We each laughed aloud one final time and agreed: This is one thing we'll miss... On his way out, he sabotaged my part time foster child’s mom’s tenuous, fragile relationship with me, so I no longer have the ability to connect with or help that child who he brought into my life. Who I love and wonder about and periodically hear horror stories about via mutual friends. I bent over backwards, I burned calories straining for that trust between the mom and myself.  

It’s so terrible sometimes. It hurts so bad. Jean-Paul. LAURA.   *MILLS*  . Coralye. FUCK. This post brought to you with plenty of hard crying, and no shortage of echoing painful music. I’m physically sick about this shit semi often.  I don’t normally let go of anybody, guys. But certainly not my fucking nearest and dearest.  I have a lot. I have SO MUCH. I know this. I feel good a lot of the time.  I have all 5 of my kids under this roof while the pandemic rages on, and they’re all healthy and beautiful and they all love me and talk with me. It’s mostly all cake these days with them, Elise telling me where she is in her own solitary reading for pleasure, Ananda cracking me up, Jake biking to the grocery store for treats to share, Aaron showing me something amazing in the yard, Isaac washing dishes and giving me weirdly helpful and totally unanticipated advice. They’re almost no work now, it’s all return on investment and I have tons of privacy and I use the fuck out of it.  I’m deeply in love with somebody these past 7 months. Being deeply in new love AND devastated-heartbroken about lost love at the same time is honestly dizzying, I spent a first destitute day thinking maybe I can’t do polyamory anymore, period. Maybe this is too fucking much and I’m gonna be alone and focus on my career and my goddamned plants. (<--not fucking really, obv I am not gonna let the pain win and go full hermit. Brief compelling temptation, though.) My career and my plants are great, btw, thanks for asking. I’ve got basically my dream job, it’s flexible and lackadaisical AND meaningful and challenging, it’s salaried with bonuses and hella benefits and amazing job security. It’s the whole thing, the culmination of 6 years in school and unpaid internships and volunteering. I even have a spare PRN position elsewhere that I mostly hang on to because it’s fun when they want me to come make $200 for a shift, to mix it up a little.  And I have solo projects, writing and web and mental health, all in the works, and they’re good.  I have seedlings sprouting. I have a yard that is pure magic, revealing new secrets each day.  I’ve got some of my oldest people, like Jess. I’ve got some exciting new people, like Jill.  The love, did I mention it? Holy shit. I’ve got Sterling, and that is a whole other story. That it’s been this good while things are this bad is pretty astounding. His own drama quotient has been off the charts, too. I almost can’t imagine how wonderful it would be if we weren’t constantly adrift in a sea of bullshit, though I also strongly suspect we both need a certain staggering minimum quota of bullshit. It’s no accident that we met mutually chasing along after the wake of the same madman’s chaos. We’re nursing some deep wounds in each other, waking up some old old hurts and soothing them back down smaller and smaller. Anytime we’re touching it’s either syrupy soma sweet, blazing inferno hot, or a staggering blend of the two - and then we pull apart to try to actually speak with whole brains, and inevitably take turns being baffled, just hilariously relieved, at how easy it is to communicate. We alternate coming at each other on tiptoe, braced, and then feeling confused and just.... amused? Skeptical? that the other is totally able to empathize with what was just said and is accepting it gently.  We don’t have a ton of objective stuff in common, on paper. We’re both very wordy and linguistic, we’re analyzers, we draw unusual people who will feel safe telling us insane things. We’re both hypersexual perverts, chronic pickers, we both wear too much black. It doesn’t go a lot further than that at a glance. We both have PTSD and ironclad outward facing coping skills, nostalgia for the Florida Keys, scientific skepticism mixed with some faith in magic.... we were both brilliant children who felt pretty isolated. But I haven’t ever really felt like anyone is loving me the way I love people, before. I’ve never even felt like anyone else received my love, the same way I intended it, or at least not all of it. It’s like the intensity of what I’m conveying and meaning when I kiss somebody’s cheek, I dunno man, he experiences it. The goofy flowing sense I have, of holding hands, he comments on it all the time. I’m not just like.... alone, in my overwhelm with being touched, or my enthusiasm for sensations, and that is honestly pretty new to me. Sterling is not tolerating my affection for my sake, and I’m still gradually adapting to that with periodic backsliding into hesitance, and unneeded apologies. It’s like we’re totally fluent in the precise same love language, so nothing gets lost, and the feedback loop is instantaneous.  He’s dark inside, but dark like Nine Inch Nail’s A Warm Place. Dark like the womb.  So as I was saying. I have so much. Including a candle that’s about Mills, and is burning behind me, giving me this slipping sense that I need to blow it out, I need to reserve it, it’s gonna be gone soon. This one spans so many feelings, it’s been positive, some new candle would be what, voodoo? Meddling? I don’t know. This one’s been in a drawer, with our ring buried in it (my dragon). What will I do with that ring? What will I do with all this love?  How can I contain so much, anyway? Why can’t anything ever replace anything else? It’s like infinite space, and the empty places just keep throbbing, and it’s like I sprout new spots for new fullness and the cavities pulse on.  I’m deeply grateful for a certain self-completeness I’ve come to understand that I have, and that not everyone does. I am resiliant A-motherfucking-F (<--meta vulgar!). AND YET. OW OW OW.  I’m sitting here trying to exposure therapy my way through my Mills playlist, as I write this, so Spotify can’t surprise me into sads anymore. I’ve gotten already to a place where sometimes i remember positive things purely positively, and laugh and tell a story and it’s ok. I’m bitter as all hell that I can’t even talk to my sister about this breakup, after she had so many stupid goddamned feelings about the relationship itself, about polyamory in general, about ever knowing him (which might have allowed her to help me grieve at all).  Sigh. I love the internet, maybe feel free to send me a message if you’re still reading, whoever the fuck you are <3

[savagekiku]

I'm just gonna put this here on my main blog but I legit am just not having it good all that mentally right now. I've been meaning to make a mental health post for a while now. I never felt so horrible over something I thought I would never have happen to me... Gonna add there will be mention of s-lf harm and s-icide/s-icidal thoughts so read with caution:

Mental illness is not a subject my family is aware of. As I got older, the more I realize goddamn, I'm really struggling. A uh...a year ago or 2018 I can't remember, I hit my first lowest point that ended with me self harming myself. When my parents eventually bugged me after days of wearing long sleeves in the heat and they found out, I have never seen them extremely angry in my life at me. My dad lunged so close and mom threatened to beat me up (before I go further, no, my parents do not physically abuse me or my brother). They only felt this way because they were worried for me. That's when the thoughts started to kick in as the months progressed.

I think about it here and there because I feel there is nothing left for me, that I can't recover from this. That no one would cares if I was gone and if they did, they'd eventually get over it and move on from me. I've...tried, twice. Failed due to my crippling fear of death. Having to go through major losses in my personal loss, my late dog Shadow's death, losing my close online friend, my aunt on my dad's side, my breakup with my ex this year in February. Even having to one day witness the baby bird I saved die in my hands. The pain is still real, I still have those memories that make me cry myself to sleep and get me snappy and irritated while also riddling me with a huge fear of abandonment.

I one day learned how my brother nearly took his own life in one of our old homes in the closet when my mom told him of my self harm. I'll never forget the real fear I have that I was so close to losing my brother...

Anyway... That's all I just wanted to talk of right now. I'm looking into trying to find a way to get help but with things being tough right now in my family, I'm not sure how I'm going to get help. So yeah. (Not my best post right now since I recovered from a mini mental breakdown...)

[kaypeace21]

why is there so much denial of Will being gay?? Like, nothing Will has done has shown him to be anytging but possibly gay. Like, nobody thinks he'z gay because he's a nerd that doesn't have a girlfriend!! We think he's gay because of all the fucking subtext!!!!

There are a few reasons for this, and they’re all (for the most part) rooted in homophobia. 1) There are those who (may or may not) notice the subtext, but ignore it with the excuse of “he’s too young; stop sexualizing him!”. All while shipping lumax, and mileven. Whether they want to admit it or not, this is homophobic! They view (subconscious or otherwise) being queer as inherently sexual, dirty, and adult. And that only straight relationships can be pure and innocent and based on compatible personalities. Straight kids can have innocent crushes (but in their eyes) queer kids can’t- they may not even exist, to them. 

 2) There are some mileven shippers (who whether they want to admit it) hate Will, because the possibility he has powers or is gay- threatens their precious het ship. Because a lot of them don’t see El as her own person (just a part of their ship) or a vessel for being a badass with powers. They don’t appreciate her for the nuanced character she is.  They either get angry at the idea of Will being gay or having powers, or are only happy with him being queer if he’s sad and in an unrequited one-sided love/ or is single forever. Or they’ll say “why don’t you just ship him with someone else… like Dustin?” Ignoring the fact Dustin hasn’t been queer coded like Mike (or had romantically coded scenes with Will), or that people ship byler for Will and Mike, not cause it’s simply m/m. I mean, can you imagine byler shippers saying ‘Just ship El with Dustin, it’s a guy and girl… it’s practically the same thing”? No, of course not! It shows their bias- and how they feel privileged and entitled to their straight ship even though there are millions of similar ships in media to choose from- unlike queer ships which are far and few in between. However, we’re supposed to be the ones who pick another option- and are told our ships are ‘all the same’. Whether they are aware of this bias, they consider queer ships a joke, and all the same.

3) Those who relate to Will and his struggles,  hate the idea of relating to a queer character. There is a reason why shows like ‘Will &Grace’ in the 90s were popular, but even today the second a character who people assumed was straight is revealed as lgbt+ viewers get angry! It’s because they feel ‘tricked’ into liking, relating and empathizing with a character that they would otherwise have immediately put in a ‘box’ and  distanced themselves from . Whether they are aware of it or not, they would immediately attribute stereotypes to them and never try to empathize with them, because ‘they’re gay, and ‘how can I relate to that’? They don’t want to relate to them (because subconscious or otherwise) they think being gay is bad or just too foreign.They don’t see queer people as full-fledged people. They’re just gay- nothing more.

Which is why when they angrily say “he’s just afraid to grow up, HE’S NOT GAY!”  They are essentially saying a gay, abused kid, who has ptsd, and was violated by the MF (and was also hinted m**ested by Lonnie too) can’t be afraid to grow up, since he lost his childhood. Only straight people have these type of human-fears and characterizations!

Forget the fact, that Will also wouldn’t want to grow up- because than he’d have to acknowledge his sexuality (at a time where all you heard about gay men was they were evil , mentally ill, going to hell and dying of aids as a punishment by god). Not to mention Will’s ptsd and the fact he lost 2 years of his childhood on top of that.He even says “I’m not … going to fall in love” (not convincingly) , right after the movie date with Mike.

4) They’re so used to straight media, and everyone being presumed straight and having media catered to them (the straight audience)- That they’ll ignore or miss every hint there is a queer character. 

So what are the hints of Will being gay (or at least- some other lgbt identity.

Called many homophobic slurs  since s1 ( specifically ”queer, fag, fairy, and gay”) by his dad and bullies. Jonathan in s1 tells Will to “not like things just because people tell you you’re supposed to, especially not him” ( ‘him’ referring to their dad). Is positioned behind a rainbow apple poster in the av room (ref. to Alan Turning the gay creator of computers), dances with a girl with a rainbow hair-clip, has rainbow bandaids, has his mom says she’s ”so proud” (lgbt+ pride ref) of the rainbow ship he drew . When Will disparages himself as a “freak”, Jonathan asks Will, who would you rather be friends with-  David Bowie (who was openly bi since the 70s) or Kenny Rogers? Will says Bowie, and Jonathan agrees saying “see, it’s no contest”. In the pitch to netflix the Duffers described Will as having “sexual identity issues”. In the leaked s2 snowball script it says “he’s not looking at the cute girl- but Mike.”

All of s2 directly paralleled ‘romantic s1 mileven scenes’ to ‘supposedly platonic byler scenes’. No joke, they had identical scenes, with almost identical framing and dialogue, but it’s all dismissed as friendship (even though the scenes are identical).Byler was also  paralleled to Jancy, Stancy, Jopper, bob/joyce and others. . You can headcannon Will as whatever you want, but like it or not- Will is queer and m/m! We could debate his exact queer sexual identity , but Will was never written and will never be written to be ‘straight’! Stay mad!

If Will was Wilma, the majority of the fandom would be byler shippers. Think about it! Mike having byler scenes that are identical to s1 mileven scenes, and then additional unique byler scenes. Mike staying by Wilma’s side 24 hours a day for several days (not even changing clothes), carrying her out of the hospital, grabbing her hand (with a zoom in shot),constantly asking her if she’s okay at least 5-7 times, putting his arm around her twice, being the only one who could tell something was off with her (and it wasn’t her normal type of quiet). Calling and running all the way to her house and banging on the door to check on her, desperate. Proclaiming “i’m the only one who cares about Wilma!” Watching her sleep cause he’s so worried, that shed scene reminiscing about how they first met in perfect detail, saying “I asked, I asked if you wanted to be my friend. You said yes, you said yes. It was the best thing I’ve ever done. (like a marriage proposal)”  The “crazy together” scene. Them being close since they were 5 vs the girl he knew for a week (but is somehow in love with?). If the witness said about El in s1 , “ same height… it could be the Byers girl”, instead of ‘boy’ (pointing out the resemblance). Mike getting into fights and getting upset (almost crying) about the bullies insulting Wilma. Mike having a whole binder of her drawings and caressing one of the drawings, after he thinks she died.  Being the only one of her friends to stay awake at the hospital, waiting for her to wake up- so he can see her and hug her first. Almost everyone would be team byler if Will was a girl- they probably would of started shipping it the second Wilma stared at him and was the only one who didn’t lie to him, in the first ep! Another parallel to El! 

And again think about s3 if Will was a girl.They paralleled the (comedic) mileven breakup vs (the sad/serious) byler breakup. Then Mike just complained and burped on the couch vs apologizing to Willma multiple times/even going into a storm to apologize a 2nd time (and to ‘talk’). Willma having a breakdown over the fight vs El laughing and high five-ing Max after.The shed vs the pool shed scene- “best thing I’ve ever done” vs “you’re the most important thing in the world to me”, “blank makes you crazy’ (as El stares confused) vs “crazy together’ (where Wilma says ‘yeah, crazy together). Mike going on ‘movie dates with Willma all the time’ right after making out with El. The last mileven kiss where Mike has his eyes open the whole time, doesn’t kiss back, and says he doesn’t remember saying “I love her” to El (and doesn’t say ‘I love you’ back). Right after having a talk with Wilma about playing games when she comes back (the crux of their fight). Mike getting excited that he’ll be able to visit El and Wilma on Thanksgiving and them visiting him on Christmas (those are holidays where family usually introduces their S.O.) Having the last scene of Mike,  be him looking back at Wilma’s house, and have that whole monologue in that scene be about “feelings changing”, and then he goes to hug his mom like the s1 byler scene where he thought Wilma was dead. And that’s not even all the scenes- and every time byler won by a landslide. If Will was a girl, it would be obvious writing on the wall, that Mike would eventually choose Wilma over El by the end of the series.

But since they are 2 boys, we’re delusional, because queer kids don’t exist … apparently.

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

Hi! I love your youtube channel & I think you're super cool! I'm a newer follower and was wondering if you could give a summary of the concept of Fostered---it sounds like a really interesting series!

Aww thank you!

Yes I can!! Fostered is too thicc for me to give extensive summaries (unless y’all want this) and there is very little you need to know from the earlier books to understand the current ones! That’s because as myself and the series have aged, its genre, age category, and plot points have changed!

Here’s a small outline of the main characters:

Reeve

Protagonist + narrator for all “main” Fostered books

Sister of Lonan

Will write salty breakup songs about people she was never in a relationship with

Bi as fuck!

Foster

Was once Reeve’s boyfriend?? no??

Best friend of Harrison

Will write love songs about tofu

Ace as fuck!!!

Harrison

Best friend of Foster

Also Reeve’s best friend!

Sort of love-interest of Lonan (we’re getting there lol)

Will write love songs about waffles

Gay! as! fuck!

Protagonist of Moth Work

Lonan

Reeve’s brother!

An antagonist for a good chunk of this series

Will not write love songs he has no heart (he does I am just mean)

Also bi as fuck!! Everyone is bi in that family lol we love it

Here’s a breakdown (CW: there’s a lot of violence/convo about mental illness/potentially triggering content in these summaries, so tread with caution):

Fostered (book 1) to Resisted (book 3):

These books (Fostered, Hunted, Resisted) are probably the most harmonious out of the 6 (7 including Moth Work) so far! That’s because for a long time, I believed Fostered would end at three books (initially a standalone, then duology). They’re all closely linked through the “foster homes” plot (hence the name of the series) and are obviously the most dystopian of the books (all three are also YA). You can feel the 2014 dystopian vibes in this book lol. I wrote this summary 5 years ago for my first ask ever and it sums up that idea:

The book takes place in the not-too-distant future where children who’ve committed crimes, are neglected, or have chosen to, are sent to behavioural detention centres – what everyone else that’s not the government like to call ‘foster homes’. The story revolves around a fifteen-year-old girl named Reeve who’s lived two years in a ‘foster home’ after being accused of her sister’s murder. Following an accident that she caused which subsequently led to her escape of her foster home, she stumbles across a group of kids, who like her, have gone through the lifestyle and also have escaped. She makes an alliance with them and everything seems in its place until she finds out that a team of hunters are searching for her because of the same accident. Unable to remember anything that happened from the event, she then learns that maybe all things don’t point to her – what really happened on the day she escaped? 

(props to 14-year-old me for writing this)

I wrote these three books so quickly (though at the time, as a thirteen-year-old, it felt like drafting took forever). I started Fostered in October of 2014, and by May of 2015, I was halfway through Resisted :))))). How?? These books are all above 85k??? I could never!!!

FOSTERED (book 1 - YA dystopian):

Follows the above plot. What isn’t mentioned above is how this book starts. We start with Reeve (15 at the time–a baby!!!) chillin in an abandoned storage unit she was hoping to use as shelter. HOWEVER, plot twist of the season–there are already people there!

She’s semi-ambushed by these people who she later learns are our good ol’ pals Foster and Harrison. The boys are also taking care of a 6-year-old girl named Essie who they love fiercely!! They’re sketched out by Reeve, which we later find out is because–they! know! her! 

Foster, Harrison, and Reeve were actually all the closest pals in a ‘foster home’ they called WAFFLE. Reeve forgets that during the disastrous accident she causes that separates them (she blows up the foster home lmaooo) but lookie here–the squad is reunited! Eventually everyone comes to love each other (though it ain’t like that in the beginning) + Foster and Reeve have a romance which I find so bizarre now?? They would never.

The squad is being “hunted” by a group of “chasers” (I LOVE dystopian lool) headed by a woman named Red who is actually?? a badass? She tries to kill them a bunch of times, Reeve kills Lonan’s sister by using her as a human shield, Essie dies, I’m awful!

HUNTED (book 2 - YA dystopian):

After Essie’s death, the group is shook! Harrison especially as he is *soft* and the “leader” of the group. To protect his other ducklings who are now the most sought after people in America lmao (Foster and Reeve), he does something SCANDALOUS and joins the *government* AKA all the evil people putting innocent children in these awful detention centres. What a 180! Essentially, he does this to purposefully manipulate investigations into Foster and Reeve away from them, but Reeve doesn’t know this so she’s cheesed when she finds out (she feels #betrayed)!

Harrison’s departure of the group triggers the group’s breakup. Harrison joins an *elite* section of the government that *I believe* tries to wrangle runaway foster kids?? This group is lead by our other good pal Lonan and this is the first book he appears in! He takes Red’s place as antagonist in this book.

The group also includes Holly, a badass who is also Foster’s older sister (and also Lonan’s first serious girlfriend)! She’s scary! She also dies by hanging in a blood-drinking cult mid-way through this book! don’t! ask! Margo is this group’s tech analyst, and she’s a mentally distant hippie (and Harrison’s first and last serious girlfriend which obvi didn’t work out lol he’s gay!) Idk what Harrison’s job was here, but he learns techy stuff from Margo!

This book is important because it establishes Lonan, who continues to be a pivotal character as the series progresses. It also establishes Lonan and Harrison’s relationship. Obvi Lonan is the antagonist in this book and won’t make his redemption arc for another 1book lol, but him and Harrison have a bit of a bizarre relationship. Though they’re almost rivals, they almost adore being each other’s rivals (but don’t tell them that)? After Harrison leaves Lonan’s team, the squad essentially is *hunted* by them, hence the book title lol. 

By the end of this book, a few important things happen! Lonan kills Margo (remember, Harrison’s first and last girlfriend lol, we could say Lonan was killing his competition lol is that too much), this obviously reinforces his role as bad guy! After the book’s events, Lonan eventually overtakes the group and they’re all imprisoned! Love it!

RESISTED (book 3 - YA dystopian):

This is my favourite Fostered book because there’s just so much tea! We start in “headquarters” AKA Lonan’s pride and joy! After he kills off his old boss so he can be Ultimate Antagonist (actually because she essentially killed his girlfriend ahaha), he’s the Man in Charge and power trippin like crazy. 

Reeve is separated from Foster and Harrison who are also in HQ because she’s mentally unwell. Lonan has given her the job of executing people (because he is evil) which she ain’t diggin! so Lonan takes it upon himself to address her mental health concerns (which obviously isn’t helping because they mutually hate each other). 

Eventually, Reeve barters with Lonan for what she wants by using Holly’s death (which only she and Foster witnessed) as leverage. As I mentioned above, Lonan essentially kills/drives away his entire *elite government squad* which means! He needs another one! Reeve uses this as an opportunity and says WELL you COULD hire Foster and Harrison. Lonan does and VOILA we suddenly have a new squad!

This is really where we build a relationship between Lonan and Reeve who have previously done nothing but try to kill each other! They actually bond in this bizarre kind of way. While they still don’t like each other, they mutually understand each other more than Foster and Harrison do as in many ways, Lonan and Reeve have both done the same awful things (lots of killing people :))). 

This all builds up to the epic reveal that they are actually half siblings (they share a mother) and oh DOES THE TEA START BOILING. This news causes major tension in the OG squad (Reeve, Foster, Harrison) as Foster and Harrison think Lonan has done too many irredeemable things to be forgiven, despite the fact that he and Reeve are related. They are right! However, Reeve isn’t so quick to decide. 

She and Lonan go through a lot together (including kidnapping! attempted murder! An explosion! Reeve pretending to be a corpse!) which are still some of my favourite things to re-read and the reason I love this book the most out of all the books I’ve written. This is where #redemption arc occurs!

This book is too long for me to cover everything, but essentially their relationship is the most important! The book ends when the squad (now joined by Lonan) is forced out of hiding because Reeve is injured and actually needs real medical attention! This leads to ANOTHER separation, with Reeve heading back to a foster home for the first time in a few years!

Hollowed (book 4) to Rewired (book 6)

HOLLOWED (book 4 - YA (?) dystopian (?))

Book four is my least favourite book of the 6 and that’s because it’s melodramatic and I was finding my writing style! It’s not quite appropriate for YA because of its violent subject matter, but wouldn’t appeal to adults, so it’s a bit category-less. Dystopian elements still exist, but are less relevant, so it’s also a bit muddled in term of genre.

All you need to know in terms of events are that Reeve meets someone named Lincoln in the foster home she’s put in (see previous) who ends up being a horrifically abusive person. He sort of shifts into the role as antagonist, though from this book on, the lines between good guys and bad guys blur. Hollowed also introduces a new character–Glenne! Glenne is Lonan’s second serious girlfriend and remnants of this relationship still show up in current Fostered spinoffs (tho she will be irrelevant in Houses With Teeth most likely). 

SPLINTERED (book 5 - YA?????)

The genre and category of this book are impossible to define. We continue almost where we left off in book four, and this book is pretty unremarkable in terms of events lol. The squad remains the same, except toward the end, we’re introduced to Darren, a dude from California who hears about Lonan’s *elite government squad* (before the government disowned him) and hopes they can help him locate his missing brother (tho he don’t reveal this until book six). 

This book is mostly about Lonan’s declining mental health that still has not gotten better. Some hints of Lonan and Harrison’s relationship getting closer are also dropped in this book.

REWIRED (book 6 - Adult (???) literary fiction sometimes???)

The category of this book is bizarre. It begins as weirdly maybe almost YA, but dips into adult literary fiction at some points. This book is where I really grasped my style and so the genre and category reflect that transition. 

What you need to know about Rewired is the progression of Darren and Reeve’s relationship as it goes from acquaintances to PALS to MORE THAN PALS to I don’t! want to be! your! pal! This book is so weird and disjointed because of this transition away from YA dystopian and into adult literary fiction. We also get even more Lonan and Harrison relationship development as Reeve meddles her way into business that is not hers!

MOTH WORK (spinoff - no categories anymore I have no idea)

The most recent Fostered book! We finally get to see Lonan and Harrison’s relationship on the page and oh boy! Is there tea! As Lonan struggles to grasp trauma from childhood, and Harrison struggles to help him, their relationship goes to places it ain’t never been before! This eventually leads to a much needed separation where Lonan explores a new relationship with Eliza (his father’s ex oooooof) and Harrison figures out what he needs in order to live a healthier, happier life. MW is a bridge between book six and seven.

HOUSES WITH TEETH (book 7 - adult literary fiction *I’m hoping*)

I have yet to write this book, but we’re back in Reeve’s head! Here’s a synopsis I’ve shared before:

After escaping a toxic relationship, twenty-year-old Reeve disappears for the second time in one year. She’s drawn to Wicker, a mealy town outside New York City, whose disappearances of affluent girls has caught her attention. The day she arrives, a sinkhole buries one of them in the front yard of her new home, a fixer-upper she shares with estranged friend, Foster. Quickly she falls prey to speculation by herself and others, who try to connect her to the tragedy. And even stranger, false recognitions as the girl in the ground, and the many other missing Wicker girls make her feel more and more like one of them–these alluring, unknown women. 

This book is very much my vibe now as a writer, however, it’s been difficult to re-integrate back into Reeve’s head with all Fostered’s dystopian elements removed! I don’t have much else to share about this book since I know so little about it, but it is essentially my current project.

So I hope that was helpful! There’s a lot of unexplored territory that I worry might be impossible to get into because I legitimately do not remember a lot @sarahkelsiwrites calls me a fake fan lol (I genuinely am), but if y’all ever want to know more, I am 100% down to share whatever! This was also a lot of info so if y’all have questions, send ‘em in!

Enjoy this abridged version of Fostered!

–Rachel

[lolas-writings]

Ahh I’m so sorry that happened! But here’s me, asking for your project details again lol

(Man I hate Tumblr a lot these days... Copy and paste here we go) 

Oh buddy, you’re getting a real treat today. I’m putting this under a cut because it’ll be quite long. Enjoy!! All songs have a link included so you can listen to them. (Here’s a preview)

Ships Included:

DabiHawks

TodoDeku

ShinDeku

(Very possible TodoShinDeku)

Single Character Studies Included:

Dabi/Touya

Shouto

(Villain) Izuku

Ship Based Fics:

What A Time (Trilogy):

For this one, I won’t give too much detail because it’s already being written but I will give the general overview

A Hawks Betrayal and Dabi/Touya Rehabilitation concept. Also a mix between a ship based fic and a character study of Dabi

Part 1: [Already posted!! Read here if you’d like] Deals with the immediate aftermath of Hawks betraying the league and getting them all arrested. From Dabi’s POV (the entire trilogy is in Dabi’s POV) he begins to question his and Hawks’ relationship while Hawks is a mere ten feet away acting like they don’t even acknowledge each other’s existence. Maybe 65% angst due to present times and 35% fluff due to flashbacks

Part 2: A few months after Dabi began his rehabilitation. Discusses his therapy, goes into more detail about what exactly the rehabilitation program entails, and Dabi has a major breakdown due to an unexpected visit from Hawks. 100% angst, there is no happiness in this installment.

Part 3: About a year and a half after the league was arrested and Dabi Touya began his rehabilitation. He’s doing a lot better, both mentally and physically, and is slowly accepting his new life. Hawks in under major fire in the news, and Touya decides maybe it’s finally time to talk things out. I’m estimating about 25% angst and 75% fluff for this installment because I’m putting these boys through the wringer, they deserve to be soft. (Also, happy ending guaranteed)

Before You Go:

A childhood friends AU where Keigo and Touya are part of the same hero program. They become good friends and are practically inseparable until Touya has a training accident and is presumed dead (by accidental suicide).

I’ve actually already talked about this in much more detail in this post here so you can just read that. That post is also quite long

Rewrite the Stars:

I’m gonna call out @call1998​ because I just woke up one day, sent her this song, and said that it’s such a DabiHawks song. And then we created a fantastic soulmate AU together so she helped co-create this idea <3

So, as I said, this is a soulmate AU, but DabiHawks are not each other’s soulmate.

Hawks met his soulmate back when they were kids. Merely 12 years old and under the commission’s care because they were both part of their hero program. Hawks was the one to notice first, getting excited when he met his soulmate and wanting to get to know him. But they only got that one day together, because the next day his soulmate was gone and never to be heard from again. The commission had him believe that his soulmate moved to America and entered a different specialized program, but Hawks finds out the truth when he’s around 20 years old and snooping around the commission. He finds old files that they wanted buried, and he learns the commission actually killed his soulmate because they saw them as weaknesses, and since Hawks was the “better specimen” he was allowed to live.

Dabi’s soulmate is an abuser who works for the commission. And since Dabi is Touya, of course, he grew up watching his mother be abused by her own soulmate and thought “oh hell no.” After Dabi meets his soulmate and realizes how abusive he is (not only to him but also the wife and kids his soulmate already has) Dabi tricks him into believing Dabi actually likes him. When he’s able to, he brings his soulmate back to the league and has him turned into a Nomu, because while he’s an abusive piece of shit, his quirk is really powerful and could be of use to the league.

Now, for the DabiHawks part. Their relationship is more of a friends with benefits ordeal, but of course they wind up falling in love eventually. They never mention their soulmates until one day, after a mission left them both tired, Hawks decides to confess. He’s sitting behind Dabi, applying a special salve to the fresh burns that Dabi can’t reach himself because he can’t bring himself to confess if he’s able to be seen. When his feelings are finally out in the open, the only thing Dabi asks is “What about your soulmate?” Hawks recognizes it’s not a flat out rejection so some of the tension in his shoulders dissipates, and he tells Dabi how they met when they were just kids and how cruel the commission is for killing him off, solely to groom the perfect hero.

And Dabi? He’s vulnerable and hesitant, because the man he was supposed to “end up with” was a garbage piece of human trash, so he’s reluctant. And self deprecating, because he doesn’t believe he deserves to be loved. So he tells Hawks about how he killed his soulmate, omitting the very important fact that his soulmate was abusive just like his father was to his mother. And he uses it to try and drive Hawks away. But the thing is, Hawks knows that Dabi is a critical thinker and wouldn’t act without reason, that all of his actions have a purpose. So after that night, he searches. They don’t touch again, either, their meetings reverting back to being strict information swaps, but it only drives Hawks to uncover the truth. And he finds it, and he even remembers who Dabi’s soulmate was because he was one of the people in charge of the program that Hawks grew up in. But he keeps it to himself, he has to make sense of things first.

Then one night comes, where Hawks just has to let Dabi know, let him know that he’s not the bad guy he’s trying to paint himself to be. But when Hawks reveals what he knows, Dabi just tries to deny everything, because he truly doesn’t want to talk about this. And then he snaps, yells at Hawks about how he witnessed the abuse his mother went through, how his father broke her in more ways than one, how he vowed to never allow someone to do the same to him. That he accepted the fact that he was meant to wind up alone after he killed his soulmate because the universe is a cruel place to once kind people.

Hawks is having none of that, though. He stops Dabi, tells him he doesn’t have to be alone anymore, that they’re not explicitly tied to “fate” anymore and can in fact rewrite their own story. It takes a lot of back and forth between them, but ultimately Hawks’ end goal is convincing Dabi that they, the two of them who no longer have a soulmate, are no longer tied to whatever fate was “chosen” for them. That they’re free to go their own route, carve out their own lives how they see fit. And eventually, Dabi gives in, because in truth they both know that they love each other, so why not give it a go?

More Hearts Than Mine/Like We Used To (duology):

Okay, this duology is centered around both Shindeku and Tododeku and in the end one of y’all is gonna hate me and I’m okay with that. As a multishipper, it is so hard for me to chose which ship gets tanked in the end I’m so sorry. ((But honestly, I high key have thought about ending it with all three of them being in a poly relationship and like, ya girl likes poly. It’ll most likely happen to be completely honest))

Also, quirkless AU!!

MHTM: This is the first half of the duology. In this half, it depicts the rise and eventual fall of Izuku’s initial relationship (either with Hitoshi or Shouto, it’s so far undecided). They get together, fall in love, and genuinely have a good relationship, but it all goes downhill when they eventually have to break up due to different life interests and Izuku’s boyfriend having to move away for a few years. They knew long distance wouldn’t work, so they decided to end the relationship, and this fic ends with the aftermath of their breakup and how not only Izuku, but also his mother and step father are hurt by the breakup.

LWUT: In the second half of this duology, this fic will be from the perspective of whichever boyfriend had to end things with Izuku. He returns from his travels a few years later, but he doesn’t tell Izuku just yet. Instead, he’s trying to deal with being back and constantly reminiscing what once was. One day, while getting coffee, he sees Izuku and his new boyfriend sitting at a corner booth and overall acting very in love. And it hurts, seeing Izuku with someone else, and he gets jealous. But as the fic continues, he eventually comes to terms with the fact that him and Izuku did fall in love, but at the wrong time and while they may not ever get a chance again, he just hopes Izuku is happy with his new boyfriend. (And then they meet again at that same coffee shop, and Izuku realizes his first love is back in town and invites him to sit with them. And he does, and it’s awkward, but when Izuku’s current boyfriend leaves to use the restroom, he tells Izuku that he’s glad he found someone. And this is only the beginning of the start of all three dating because while writing this out I’ve decided, yea, I like happy endings too much so they all three fall in love.)

Single Character Study Fics:

King for a Day (warning, kind of screamo):

Dabi/Touya character study.

He’s already a villain at this point, and this fic would be a character study of his feelings throughout his mental collapse, his rise as Dabi, and his thirst for revenge.

I actually don’t have as much for this idea compared to some of the other songs on here, but the basic outline is almost your standard “Touya died then became Dabi, his mental stability is compromised, and his primary goal is bringing down Endeavor”. This song is actually more of a “hey this fits a story that already exists” than using it to create one, that’s why I don’t have much on it.

I do, however, want to share my favorite line that I’ve matched with a scene. “Dying is a gift so close your eyes and rest in piece.” Dabi says this to Endeavor because he believes he deserves to live the rest of his life rotting away in prison, but he has to kill Endeavor to make sure he gets punished. Since Endeavor is rich and famous, he could probably get out of prison with minimal damage to his reputation and life, and what would be the point then? So Dabi believes he has to die.

Modern Loneliness:

Shouto character study.

The title alone I think suits Shouto fairly well, but if you listen to the song it’s about felling alone in a room full of people. About not knowing how to connect to others. The first line alone is very much in line with Shouto. “I’ve been thinking ‘bout my father lately, the person that he made me, the person I’ve become.” I don’t even need to tell you why that line fits so well.

So this fic would be centered around the time the UA students move into the dorms, because I feel that Shouto would still be wary and not understand how to truly connect with his classmates. In the end, eventually he’d come to find that it takes two to put in the effort a relationship requires, and though it’s new and scary, he’s willing to do it.

Let Me Be Myself:

Another Shouto character study.

Again, the title alone already very heavily aligns with Shouto’s character. And, as we all already know, Shouto hates when people compare him to his father or only acknowledge him as his father’s son, and this song is about being allowed to break free from past restraints in order to live your life how you see fit.

With Izuku’s help, Shouto is able to come to this realization sooner and grow the confidence needed to finally fight back and regain control of his own life.

Lovely:

Villain!Deku character study.

I’m not even gonna lie, I saw that multiple people have done animatics of this exact concept and it’s very intriguing to me. I’ve never written villain Izuku so I think it’d be interesting to explore that kind of mindset.

That being said, I just wrote down “villain Deku = lovely” in my phone’s notes and never actually plotted anything so I have nothing more to share on this

And that’s it so far!! Realistically, I probably won’t get around to all of these, and it would take me forever to actually make a dent in this, but I’m having a lot of fun with this project. Also, these don’t go into nearly as much depth as my notes, because I basically annotate these songs in order to create an outline so, this is like the lite version.