#without the Dramatic Gay Breakups TM

[katiesfics]

Hurt/Comfort- Humming

Alright, so we’re onto the second fic in two days, clearly I sparked something in myself lol. So have some malex/Guerin angst with a hopeful ending!

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Michael came to with a strange sound humming in his ear. It sounded like actual humming...like someone was humming a song above him. He knew he’d been down here too long if he was actually hallucinating someone humming to him. Jesus, he’d overdone it this time.

It’s just, he was so confused, like, all the time, between Jesse being gone, the alien artifact literally self-destructing at the fair, Alex being kidnapped to get to him, Maria breaking up with him, and then...that song. He’d basically barricaded himself in his bunker and just tinkered. With the ship, with random pieces of scrap found in Sanders’ yard, whatever. Anything to try and keep the noise and the chaos in his mind from careening out control and exploding things around him.

Alex had been the only one who’d ever been able to quiet the noise, besides playing music, but he’d already blown that chance one too many times. He hadn’t even taken the guitar that Alex had offered him all those weeks (months? Who knows) ago. No, he’d insulted him, and then returned his gift.

What he would give now to be able to go back in time and accept the love and the, just, the kindness that Alex had been extending to him for so long now. What he would give to have been sitting next to Alex on that stage when he finally felt strong enough and comfortable enough with himself to actually sing in front of all those people. And a song about them, just- fuck.

He has so many regrets.

So many.

The humming continued. It sounded familiar. 

Just fucking fantastic, Michael. You isolated yourself in your bunker, avoiding people for so long, that you passed out, and now you’re literally hallucinating Alex humming the song he wrote about you while you lay on the ground. What a real winner, Michael. You’re really showing how you got your life together.

When he felt fingers start combing through his hair, though, he paused his mental downward spiral. He started focusing on the things he could sense, noticing that the ground under his head was suspiciously soft, like his head was pillowed on something. He could smell himself (again, Christ, Michael, you could have at least hosed yourself down or something), but there was another, intimately familiar scent coming from underneath his cheek.

He was afraid to open his eyes. It felt too real to be a hallucination, but until he opened his eyes he could pretend that Alex was really there. Had really come and found him, even after everything he’d done to push him away and shut him out, and was sitting on the floor with Michael’s head in his lap.

The humming trailed off slowly. “...Michael?” he heard Alex murmur softly from above him.

He felt the tears well up beneath his lids, and he was helpless to stop them from falling. They dripped over his nose, and onto the jeans beneath his cheek. Once they started, they just kept coming. Over, and over. It started silently, but it quickly became harder to subdue, turning into heaving sobs.

He hadn’t even opened his eyes yet, but he felt Alex lean over him, covering him with his body, creating a solace that he could hide in. He didn’t deserve it, he didn’t even know why Alex was here, but he couldn’t stop crying long enough to ask. Every time he tried, his breathing hiccuped as his body fought him to let it out.

“Michael, it’s okay, I’ve got you. You don’t have to hide from me. I’ve got you, let it out,” Alex said, and then started humming again. Hearing their song, the one that he had left in the middle of, because he couldn’t handle hearing how it ended, just made him sob even harder.

How could Alex still be here, after everything? How could he still sound so hopeful, when Michael felt like the world was caving in on him? Alex had said he needed something to give him a reason to stay on the planet, and Michael had done everything he could to push him away. 

He felt Alex’s forehead land on his temple, and he could feel the vibrations of his humming pulse through him like a heartbeat. Eventually, his tears stopped coming, and all that was left of him was a shuddering, damp mess.

Even after the tears subsided, Alex kept humming. No words, but Michael didn’t need them. He could feel Alex’s heart and soul through the way he was wrapped around him, even though it couldn’t be comfortable. Through the way he had never stopped carding his fingers through his curls. Through the way he was still here, however much later, trying to comfort Michael, even though Michael should be the one apologizing to him.

He steeled himself and hesitantly reached one hand up to grab the one not in his hair. He wasn’t ready to stop that comfort yet. He found the other hand and squeezed it as tightly as he dared, trying not to hurt, but desperately afraid that it would disappear.

“Alex…” he started. “I- I don’t know how to make this better. I thought I knew what I was doing, I thought...I thought I was making the right decisions, but everything keeps getting worse. When you disappeared,” he stopped to take a deep breath to center himself, “I honestly wasn’t sure I was ever going to see you again,” (alive, his brain added).

“When Maria broke up with me, I thought to myself, yeah, that makes sense. This is better. But then your song.” He squeezed Alex’s hand harder at this. “I honestly wasn’t sure how it was going to end. I didn’t want to know. I could see how Forrest looked at you, and I just- I ran, exactly what I’ve been accusing you of doing for the last ten years.”

He took another deep, shuddery breath. “Alex,” he whispered, “why are you here?”

He felt Alex thinking. He didn’t want to know the answer. But he did.

“When I sang that song,” Alex began softly, “it was more for myself than for us, or for anyone else. I needed to finally get all of the words out, instead of bottling them up, and I needed to sing again. Just for me. My dad was...gone, there was nobody that I was really scared of anymore to stop me, and I knew I had to do it.

“When you walked in, it felt like fate.” He felt Alex huff a laugh. “Cosmic, if you will. I felt myself light up inside, thinking, hey, he’s here. He sees me. And then you left. And all I could think was to wonder if you were okay. And if you were coming back. Afterwards, Forrest was waiting, and I was so excited that I had just sung in front of a bunch of people for the first time in ten years, and you had looked away, so I decided, fuck it, I’m gonna do it. And I kissed him. And I don’t regret it.”

Michael felt the hurt hit him in the chest, but he curled in on himself, knowing that he had done practically the same thing to Alex.

“But you know what I thought, immediately after we left?” Alex continued, ignoring Michael’s physical response. “I thought, I hope Michael’s okay. You walked away, but I knew that after everything that had happened, you would shut down. How sad is that? After everything, I still know you better than I know myself. And yet, we still can’t figure this thing out. We still can’t manage to get on the same page at the same time.”

Michael felt something hit his cheek, and realized that Alex was crying. Oh god, he’d made Alex cry.

“I gave you a few days, but when nobody had seen you, I knew I had to come check on you. I promised you that I was going to stick around, that I would be your friend, so that’s what I’m doing. I’m here, Michael, even if you don’t love me anymore. I’m here and I will be here. I’m gonna keep meeting you in the middle, but I’m not gonna do more than that. I can’t keep hurting myself over something that’s clearly done. So hopefully we can at least make that work.”

Michael froze when he realized Alex thought he didn’t love him anymore. But, how could he think any differently after the way he’d treated him?

He sat up so quickly Alex had to jerk out of the way to avoid being headbutted.

“Alex, I still love you,” he blurted out.

Alex looked at him in shock.

“Alex, I- I know you have no reason to believe me, god knows I haven’t given you any reason to in the last year, but I need you to hear it from me. I love you. I love you. It took me a long time, and a lot of traumatic shit to realize it myself, but there’s nobody else that’s ever going to come close to you.

“I know we have a lot of shit to talk about, and I have a lot of apologies to make,” he saw Alex open his mouth to object, but barreled on. “Okay, maybe both of us have some apologies to make. But even if it’s too late, I need you to know that I still love you. I never stopped.

“When I left the bar that night, I was afraid. I was a coward, because I could tell that you were ready. But I wasn’t. Maria had just broken up with me, and I just- You couldn’t be the person I used to fill that gap, when you are so much more than that. You can’t be anyone’s rebound, because I can’t rebound with someone I’ve loved cosmically,” the corner of Alex’s mouth lifted at that, “for the last ten years. Because nobody even comes close. But then I realized, you could never fill any gap except the one that’s been there since your dad forced us apart ten years ago.”

He grabbed both of Alex’s hands that had dropped when he’d sat up. “I don’t know if you’re willing, or even if it’s the right time right now, after everything that’s happened, but I can’t let you go one more second thinking I don’t love you. I’m willing to work through my issues in order to get it right this time, because you getting kidnapped showed me that I honestly don’t think I could live without you.

“I walked away because I thought you might be ready to be happy, even if it wasn’t with me, and I wanted that for you. But...if you’re here, saying that you’re ready? I’m in. I’m in, a million percent.”

He held Alex’s gaze with his own, letting Alex sort through his thoughts. If he had to wait ten more years for Alex to be ready, he would. He was tired. Tired of them constantly being out of sync. Waiting ten more years to get in sync with Alex would be nothing compared to life afterwards.

“I’m...I’m ready, Michael. We’re gonna need to take things slow, and have a lot of conversations - and I mean it Michael, like actually talk to each other with words, not just pretty metaphors - but I- I want this.”

Michael realized two things right then. One, he fucking loved Alex Manes with his entire fucking alien soul. And two, Alex hadn’t once called him Guerin tonight. He’d been Michael since he’d woken up on the floor.

He felt the grin start spreading slowly across his face. It felt like electricity was coursing through his body, and he felt the urge to jump up and down like a little kid. Alex had a matching grin growing on his face.

He leaned over and, grabbing Alex’s face with both hands, placed a loud, obnoxious kiss on Alex’s forehead. “Oh you better get ready, darlin’, because I’m ready to talk the shit out of you.” He winked at him, and Alex through his head back and laughed.

God, Michael hadn’t been so excited to have a conversation in his entire life. It would be worth it. He was looking at the rest of his life, and by god, it was so worth it.