#without making a single joke about ''the worst pies in london''

[sieben9]

“it’s not easy being green” impressions

Well, there's good news and bad news.

The bad news...

Yeah.

The good news is that this episode of "oh look, more pain!" is delivered by the best collection of one-liners since the Cricket Game.

"You're insane!" "Besides the point."

God, I missed this sparkly asshole.

Look, I try to get my joy where I can find it. See how well I managed under the cut.

And the parade of terrible OUaT-parents continues!

You know, I’ve had this theory that Henry’s “you’re adopted” conversation didn’t go too well, but… probably still better than this one.

Also, Walsh is back!

Hi, Walsh

Sorry things went like they did, buddy, you seemed kind of nice. (In an untrustworthy way, I mean.)

OK, Once, we have to talk. Specifically, if you want some sympathy for the devil, maybe wait an episode or three between the painful character death and the tragic backstory. Yes, I know, shorter seasons, but I just checked, and there were ten full episodes between "The Heart is a Lonely Hunter" and "The Stable Boy". Maybe you could have found room for two? Also, you know, less of the gloating over the grieving parent. That... may have helped.

I'm not 100% sure, but I think the episode's effect was deliberate. Yes, this was Zelena's "evil isn't born, it's made" story, and it's clear that her awful home life damaged her badly, but still... there was this whole theme about "her insides showing", and while Regina obviously started out as a kind girl who, between Cora and Rumple, got pushed around until she broke and then just kept going that direction, because what would have been the point otherwise, Zelena just... well, whines a lot.

.3 seconds between finding out she has a sister and hating her guts has got to be some kind of record, though

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this is a bad backstory, I was just left with that “cool motive, still murder” impression. I did feel sorry for young Zelena to an extent. It just wasn't a very big one.

Also, this episode was a good reminder why I called OUaT "Dramatic Irony, the series", because each and every interaction between young Zelena and sparkly Rumple had me cringing in my seat. Not because they were bad (honestly, these two are amazing together and seeing them play this entirely different dynamic was a joy to watch), but because uuuugh, it's all about to go so terribly wrong and then it's going to go even more terribly wrong in the future, and everything is awful!

so the guy rejects you and you decide to, take away his autonomy, lock him in a cage, and kill his son? ...yeah, that seems healthy. and proportionate.

Anyway, back in the present, something entirely unexpected happened.

I genuinely enjoyed the Hook-subplot. And I know why, too. He wasn't being weirdly "flirty“ or demanded anything in return for taking care of Henry, he just seemed genuinely concerned with keeping Bae's son out of trouble and honouring his memory by telling Henry a little about his father. It was nice. I seem to like Hook best when he's in the role of "that weird cousin who's not really related to any of us, but we let him hang out anyway". Yes, I know, not exactly snappy.

Anyway, also in the present: witch fight!

Not going to lie, after I was done writhing on the ground in agony, because no, Rumple, this was hands down my favourite part of the episode. And not just because Regina punched Zelena in the face. ...also because of that, but not just. The fight showcased both their abilities and their character very well. Zelena is clearly more powerful, but she works completely alone -- well, there's Rumple, but only under extreme protest. Regina, on the other hand, basically wins this round (alright, "survives" is more what happened), because she could trust another person enough to keep her greatest weakness safe for her. That's some grade-A character growth right there.

I'm not quite sure how this arc will wrap up, exactly, but if Regina (and the ways she's grown as a person) don't play a significant role in defeating her sister, I will be very disappointed. They've already set up all these connections, parallels, and contrasts. Would be good to do something with them.

Oh, and the whole snark off during the fight ("Black is my colour!" or "Never bring your heart to a witch fight")? Pure awesome. Very good and happy stuff to set off all the awful, earlier.

What "awful", you ask? So glad you did! (Nope, no getting out of this, I had to suffer and so do you)

kudos to Belle for NOT getting in there with him, though; good genre-savvy

Turns out even True Love doesn't help all that much against the dagger's control. Damnit. I really had some hope for a while there. Not that he'd get out, because we're not quite there, yet, in the season arc, but maybe some hint that Belle could help him free himself? Just a little one? Ah, well. Guess we'll have to do this the old-fashioned way, after all. And I am glad that they made at least a token attempt at getting Rumple out of there. Mind you, it was motivated by "oh no, Gold will kill us all" rather than "holy crap she's got the guy in a dog kennel", but at least they tried...

(Also, seriously, can't someone pickpocket the dagger away from the woman or something? Not looking at you, Robin, but basically looking at you, Robin.)

I think that's everything. Oh, one honourable mention goes to the best-worst one-liner, because it was so drenched in gallow's humour, I could almost hear the rope creak.

"What, no meat pie?"

I'd tell you not to snark at the unstable lady with your remote control dagger, but honestly it can't get much worse at this point. Snark away

And after all that, we finally know both Zelena’s motivation and goal. Which is... uh... Time travel, huh?

Should... should we tell her about the hat? I mean, no, obviously we should not tell her about the hat, but I'm just saying. You may be making this overly complicated, lady.

Then again, this is not the face of someone who cares about little things like that, is it?

You know, from what I've just seen, the episode title is a complete and utter lie. It's not being green that's difficult.

Also, I just wanted to mention something that's been bothering me on an Evil Overlord List level. There's absolutely no need to keep Rumple in that cage. She could have put him in the guest room and said "stay here", and that would have had the same effect. Yes, I know, not the point, but still. It's unprofessional, lady.