#without fail any big game drops I get like 3 anons in with the spoilers and I'm like ??? waste of a message tbqh

[aesfocus]

here we are again with another 'here is my tag for spoilers, you've been warned' message!

I will tag for until roughly the end of the year, using the tag #Veilguard Spoilers.

Both tumblr's own built in features and Tumblr Savior can block tags. Use this feature.

[thoughts-on-bangtan]

Let’s talk: RUN episode 130

by Admin 1

A week has passed and it’s time for the continuation of last weeks tennis episode, this time with BTS coming together on a tennis court to decide who the BTS Tennis Champion is, excluding Yoongi who was the MC and umpire due to his shoulder. He was joined by one of the coaches who’d previously given the members lessons at the club we’ve seen them at in last weeks episode. 

Before I truly get into it, and let me tell you, for those who haven’t seen the episode yet but are still reading this anyway (thank you so much for that), there is a lot to get into. Especially when it comes to vmin. It was a feast this week, I can tell you that much (so fellow vminnies prepare yourself to get annoyed and upset with you know who again this week as is tradition whenever we get a lot of vmin, am I being shady/petty?). But the other members were comedic gold as well, especially Yoongi with his amazing commentary, and fellow namjinists, we got a few nice things as well.

Funny thing is about an hour after the episode went live, the following ask appeared in our inbox and, at this point, I hadn’t seen the episode yet so reading this made me giggle but also very curious to see what exactly even happened that led to Jimin carrying Tae, as well as how Jimin did that since I immediately thought back to that moment at MAMA 2019 where he tried yet failed to lift Tae. 

From anon: Tonight's Run episode. Omg. When JM carried Tae and pretended to give him mouth to mouth, Tae gay panicked and said 'Hold on!' and swiftly got up and went back to the court. I cannot with these two. 😂It's always like someone is brave and then the other one panics. Come on VMIN you can both be brave hahahaha

But lets start...at the beginning (and make yourself comfortable because this ended up being a truly long one, also spoilers for who the winner is will be marked):

The episode opens with the members reminding themselves (and the viewer) why they are on that court again (as well as Hobi playing so much with his racket that he ends up dropping it, aww) and also letting us know that a solid 3-5 months have passed since the previous episode was filmed. Furthermore they talk about how, due to their schedules, they didn’t really have time for practice (as in they basically conclude they were bad at keeping up with this project and mostly merely went to practice once while Yoongi commented how they probably should’ve chosen something a little more approachable with a schedule like theirs), seeing as in the meantime Dynamite was released and they also had MOTS ON:E to practice for and perform. I do love how the editors flexed Dynamite’s BBHot100 longevity in the subtitles.

Since the members all spoke toward the center, mostly turned around toward Jimin and Yoongi, Seokjin commented how they should also talk toward him, which Tae took as funny invitation to stand exceptionally close to Seokjin making him laugh with a big smile on his face. When I tell you I adore their dynamic and bond, I truly mean it.

Yoongi is announced as MC and joined by Coach Kim, to whom the members apologize for forgetting everything he taught them. Next they move along to explaining the “rules” which basically ends with none of the rules actually being explained and the members making jokes about how headshots are against the rules. Then the order and pairings for the starting matches are chosen by chance by Yoongi and Coach Kim, though Hobi and Seokjin are separated so they won’t end up playing against each other since Hobi is the only one with past experience while Seokjin was the only one who actually went to practice four times between last episode and this one. 

While that’s happening, we get a wide shot of the court and the RUN crew giving us once again an idea of just how many people are involved to film these episodes and how many pairs of eyes are watching them. (this is something some people truly should remind themselves of more often when coming up with...theories.)

The order is decided as Hobi vs JK, Namjoon vs Tae (can we please talk about how, when Namjoon is pulled as Tae’s opponent, Seokjin quietly comments how he wanted to play against Namjoon? Cute!), and Jimin vs Seokjin. After the pairs are decided there’s this small hilarious moment where Seokjin stands a little further back and pulls out his phone and is promptly snitched on my Yoongi. In his defense Seokjin says that his dad was calling him so it was a completely valid reason to check while the other members complain about him having brought in his phone at all. Namjoon even tells him that he shouldn’t use his dad as excuse to which Seokjin challenges him if he should show him his phone as proof. 

Then, finally, the matches begin. Yoongi and Coach Kim settle behind their umpire desk while Namjoon and Seokjin sit in the stands behind them to the left, thus on JKs side, and Jimin and Tae on the right, thus on Hobi’s. Who starts the match is decided in good old BTS fashion with rock-paper-scissors and we are treated to Yoongi calling Hobi a dummy which had me howling with laughter.

We also get chaos immediately as Tae pretends to be the ball boy on JKs side, though quickly gives up his job and returns to his place. All signs point toward Tae being in a fantastic, comedic mood once again. We love to see it. As the match is happening, Yoongi comments on how it’s actually surprisingly fun to watch, with which Namjoon agrees (and so do I). They all get so into it making it double fun to watch and even easier to cheer along and get emotionally invested in what’s happening on screen.

During the second half of JKs match with Hobi, Tae asks Coach Kim what kind of player JK is to which he replies that he’s a passionate one, and upon prompting clarifies that JK always stayed longer after practice to practice some more. That certainly sounds very much like JK, and fits with what we’ve seen in the previous episode. Despite that Hobi wins the match!

Next up is Namjoon against Tae. Jimin playfully takes up the role of Tae’s coach, hands him a bottle of water and carries his racket while Tae ties his shoes and then approaches the net for rock-paper-scissors. Upon seeing their shenanigans, Seokjin jumps in as Namjoon’s coach, making sure he has spare balls and that he actually goes to the net as well.

Before the match even begins we get Namjoon asking first Seokjin, who says he doesn’t know, and then Coach Kim if he’s even holding the racket properly which Yoongi comments upon saying he’s holding it the way you would a knife while cooking. Honestly Yoongi is on fire this episode with funny commentary. Then as they get to rock-paper-scissors, Tae as the most endearing human ever asks upon his angels (with Yoongi asking the editors to add in actual angel graphics for his sequence) to help him win, which he does. He gets to start off the match.

Namjoon is certainly the funniest tennis player among the members adding in little hops and spins making everyone laugh so, so much. Coach Kim comments upon how, because Namjoon was so busy, he didn’t get to learn how to do backhand and thus only knows how to do forehand (please don’t ask me what that means and what kind of effect that has because I have no clue). Speaking of laughter, at some point Seokjin is laughing so much and so hard Hobi turns to him and asks “why are you so happy?” but we never get an answer. Interestingly enough, as they announce a serve change, so Tae serving instead, Seokjin immediately stops laughing and looks focused again.

Also at some point they realize that Namjoon was playing with someone else’s racket, leading to Namjoon switching to his actual one, while Coach Kim says that Namjoon had left his racket at their gym which Seokjin comments by saying “that’s Namjoon”. We’re also treated to Nam-derer (Namjoon + Federer) and Tae-kovic (Taehyung + Djokovic) by Seokjin. Honestly, extra points for creativity. The match ends with Namjoon losing, ending up at the net and immediately being ready to bump elbows with Tae accepting his defeat. Absolutely hilarious match!

Next up is Seokjin against Jimin and it starts with Seokjin promptly loosing three points one after the other with the other members commenting that tennis is a mind game and Jimin’s mind is good. Jimin loses the next point, thus the members idea of Jimin potentially winning a “perfect game” (without Seokjin getting any points) is gone. Although it’s meant teasingly, this is still really cute:

Upon being prompted by Namjoon to bring out his (Jimin’s) true tennis skills, the game turns around and Seokjin goes into the lead. Soon thereafter the score is 5 for Jimin and 9 for Seokjin which leads to Tae calling out the score to Jimin (saying Jiminie) as 5959 which apparently is both a lucky number and phonetically similar to something you’d say in a cutesy way to a child or someone you love in Korean, and on top of that it’s also 9595 backward. Unfortunately all that soulmate luck doesn’t help since Jimin still ends up losing the match.

Next up is Hobi against Tae with Hobi “teasing” Tae by claiming that he’s certain Tae will win. The match starts off with Hobi winning twice but Tae gets into it soon enough and they actually manage to get a few rallies going, as well as Coach Kim commenting on how you can tell that Hobi has prior training. As they reach 6:7 for Tae, Jimin and Namjoon start chanting KIM TAEHYUNG, with Jimin, Seokjin and Jungkook also doing some additional “cheerleader” moves. Very sweet and supportive! Look at their smiles, look at Jimin’s smile! He does that a few more times as Tae wins more points.

Then we get to the moment that had everyone, vminnies and non-vminnies alike, in absolute shambles: Tae hurts himself (though I’m still not 100% certain if it was a joke or he actually hurt himself even if just a bit) and falls to the ground, Yoongi rushes in with a big smile while calling for a medic and Jimin runs over saying he’ll carry Tae. Which he does, just like anon said. Look at him! How is it possible that somehow Tae turns so smol whenever he’s in Jimin’s arms? Also just how strong, exactly, is Jimin that he can just pick up Tae like that despite Tae being taller, and therefore also surely a little heavier than Jimin?

Also can we please talk about how Tae hooks his arms around Jimin, how he nestled his head against him, and also about that barely visible (from our angle and due to Jimin’s shoulder) smile on Tae face as he’s being carried? And also Namjoon’s face. Of course he’s there as well because what would be a vmin scene if Namjoon wouldn’t be there as well haha.

That’s still not everything (truly this episode is a gift that keeps on giving) since Jimin puts down Tae on the stands and proceeds to give him pretend CPR and acts like he wants to also give him mouth-to-mouth which makes Tae giggle/laugh, but not just any laugh, it’s his Jiminie laugh. Catch me crying. After that Tae gets up and ends up winning the match giving us the following (it’s not too visible in the gif but my heart melts at Jimin’s happy/fond smile):

And thus the final match is Kim vs Kim, place your bets now before continuing on. I do love how seriously Jimin is taking his “coach” job as he once again stands by Tae’s side before the match begins and carries his racket. 

Since this is already getting outrageously long (and there are still 16 minutes left) I’ll just mention a few highlights instead of a detailed commentary. Also, if you don’t want to know who wins, I’d recommend skipping this part. I’ll add a bold Match Over at the end so just scroll until you see that.

Tae and Seokjin tease each other which Seokjin delivering the following line “I’ll prove that the underdog can’t make it to the top”.

Tae fails his first attempt at a serve, but upon second try, wins his first point. 

Tae asks for more balls so he can keep some in his pockets which is commented by JK as Tae being greedy for balls because his mom didn’t buy him the toys he wanted as a kid. Another member, though I can’t for the life of me figure out which, asks what he’s talking about, and then Namjoon puts an end to the antics.

Seokjin rolls up his sleeves (things are getting serious serious) and Namjoon wishes him good luck (we love a supportive leaderbf). This is followed by Namjoon wondering if Seokjin is Shapovalov and Seokjin wins the point.

Seokjin wins the first set and they switch sides.

Seokjin tries to pick up the ball by hitting it with the racket just like they’d been taught in the previous episode but hits the ground instead. Yoongi wants to give him a yellow card but only has a yellow pen which he holds up instead.

They get a fantastic rally going but unfortunately Tae loses because he hits the ball too hard and it goes OUT. JK says it was so good there should be a slo-mo to commemorate that rally which makes everyone laugh.

Tae hits the ball into the OUT and nearly hits Jimin and JK which prompts Jimin to chant something in Busan satoori along with JK but Namjoon stops them by saying that they’re in Seoul.

The ball gets stuck in Tae’s racket, something that happens very, very rarely and thus the members decide to give him that point simply because of that. Namjoon also tells Tae he should buy a lottery ticket.

Finally, because “hard work never betrays”, Seokjin wins! He also wins, according to me for the cutest smile because honestly LOOK AT HIM, how can anyone not be endlessly fond, endeared and enamored with him? That’s scientifically impossible and should be a punishable crime. Am I exaggerating? Who cares!

Also Hobi gently, so very gently, dabbing away Seokjin’s sweat with his sleeve. 

Seokjin receives a skinny little gold medal, which Tae sneakily steals from him like a little squirrel while Seokjin gives a speech while being the most humble and very Seokjin. 

MATCH OVER

After the game the members gather at a restaurant with the bill being paid by Seokjin, which is something the members simply decide upon though Seokjin makes a joke about having forgotten his wallet at home. What a nice prize for winning, makes it totally worth it, right? The first dishes that are served are seafood which Namjoon comments on by saying that he can’t eat them, but he needn’t worry because there was plenty, and I mean plenty, more food to be tried and eaten.

Overall the dinner featured some funny and interesting moments such as:

Hobi, Tae and Seokjin playing the “tangsuyuk” game which Namjoon calls childish and yet makes a game out of him saying “child” and Jimin “ish” with a laugh and smile on his face.

Jimin and Seokjin having a funny/cutesy conversation in a mix of Korean and English which is followed by Seokjin saying they should now only talk in English, which Hobi accepts. The only ones who do it are Hobi and Seokjin (who shows off two sentences with great pronunciation) and then it’s over and they switch back to Korean.

JK saying “I wanna be a lobster” to the tune of “I wanna be a rockstar” from Interlude: Shadow.

An extreme closeup shot of Jimin trying Peking duck including some ASMR for those who like it.

JK and Seokjin reaching for Seokjin’s drink at the same time with Seokjin telling JK he should order his own instead of trying to take his (later we see JK still drink from Seokjin’s glass). Jimin also asks for a sip (though he might be talking to Hoseok since there’s a glass standing between them as well from which we see Jimin drink).

Tae wonders what they’ll be going through in the next episode of RUN which gets commented as “reasonable doubt” by the editors in the subs. 

Jimin tells the story of how he went to a hair salon with Yoongi though at first he can’t remember when it was. Tae and his vault of Jimin memories though does, saying that it was for their profile pictures before debut. The story goes that Jimin got an asymmetrical haircut which apparently was so bad/funny Yoongi couldn’t look at him and left him behind to meet with his friends instead. Once Jimin arrived at the dorm, Hobi woke up from his sleep yet, upon seeing Jimin, “fainted” because he laughed so hard.

As final dish they get mattang which reminds them of the mattang JK made in an older episode of RUN which ended up basically being completely immovable and stuck to his plate. “First is cleanliness, second is cleanliness, and third is adhesiveness.” I’m not surprised that we remember these things, but looking at how much they do, see, and have to remember, I’m always amazed by the fact that they remember such small things as well.

Jimin asked how long they’ve been doing RUN for to which JK says “10 years” making everyone laugh. Yoongi though comes through saying that they started in 2015, which is correct.

In the end they get some coffee and Tae asks if they should leave for their next shoot now, something it seems they’ve been stalling on doing since Tae already asked that twice before and they came up with things they should/need to do or eat before that.

And that concludes the episode! Wow, this turned out way too long. If you actually made it this far, I truly applaud you and also thank you sincerely. I loved this episode and I just had a lot to say, I suppose. This might be one of my new favorite episodes, which I have a feeling I’ve been saying for the last couple of episodes as well, but what can I say, these episodes have really been amazing recently.

[funeralfeastanon]

I would like to expand the Durarara and Baccano ask game to the rest of the questions :D

Can do, anon. ;)

Ask game is here. Questions 1, 3, 7 and 17 have already been answered here. Spoiler warning as usual.

2 - My favourite aspect of the story.

This goes for both Durarara!! and Baccano!: I appreciate the complete lack of a “main character.” Instead we have all these intertwining stories of multiple people who are each their own “main character” and are often not fully aware of how important they or everyone else are in the grand scheme of things. To spice things up, the characters have varied personalities, moral codes, motives and goals that clash with each other. It’s chaos and I love it.

The anime adaptation of Baccano! does it better in my opinion though, since it decides to have several loosely connected arcs, all with their own ensemble cast and taking place in different years, take place all at once and somehow makes it work as a coherent whole.

4 - My favourite male character.

Izaya Orihara from Durarara!! and Claire Stanfield from Baccano!, for fairly similiar reasons. Namely, they are both crazy bastards having way too much fun doing what they do best - manipulating the various people and factions in Ikebukuro for kicks and brutally murdering two groups of train hijackers respectively.

Their roles in their respective stories are interesting too, where Izaya is the closest thing Durarara!! has to a main villain/mastermind (for awhile) but Claire is a “hero” protecting his train.

5 - My favourite female character.

Celty Sturluson from Durarara!! and Rachel from Baccano!.

I was intrigued by the Headless Rider from the beginning, but what I didn’t expect was for her to be one of the few fairly sane, well adjusted and genuinely heroic people in Ikebukuro. When an immortal fae who literally lost her own head looks normal in comparison, you know your city district is a madhouse.

As for Rachel, she is also one of the more normal people in the story, as a resourceful informant who just wants to hitch a ride and stay out of trouble, but damn, does she have nerves of titanium, calmly coming to the hostages’ rescue while unarmed. It also takes a special kind of person to befriend Claire Stanfield.

6 - My favourite villain.

Uh. I already used Izaya, so I guess I’ll give some love to Mikado Ryuugamine and his slow descent into darkness. Who would’ve though the supposedly normal highschooler would set someone on fire one day?

For Baccano!, the award goes to Ladd Russo, yet another complete lunatic enjoying himself way too much.

8 - A character I think needs more love.

Hm, well I already gave some love to Rachel, so… Eve Genoard. It takes guts for a little girl to try to shoot a mafioso for killing her brother. Yeah, her brother was a terrible person and she didn’t end up shooting the guy herself, but still.

For Durarara!!, Tom Tanaka deserves recognition for being one of the other sane people in Ikebukuro and a fantastic friend to Shizuo.

9 - What I ship.

I ship the canon Baccano! pairings mostly. However, I’m a Durarara!! multishipper, though not really invested in any of them, so these are the things I lowkey ship: Celty/Shinra, Shinra/Izaya, Izaya/Shizuo, Izaya/Namie, Shizuo/Vorona, Masaomi/Mikado/Anri and Erika/Walker.

10 - My favourite canon relationships (romantic, familial, platonic, antagonistic, etc).

Celty and Shinra are the healthiest couple in Durarara!! and considering Shinra is a mad scientist in love with a headless woman since childhood, that’s saying something!

My other favourite relationships all involve Shizuo Heiwajima, ha ha. He really does try his best to be a good brother to Kasuka even if his temper and Kasuka’s emotionlessness get in the way, his friendship with Celty is adorable and his deep hatred of Izaya and general simple-mindedness leaving him immune to his mindgames, driving Izaya up a wall in turn, is very entertaining.

Baccano! has the iconic couple in Isaac and Miria, who are so attached at the hip that it’s impossible to think about them seperately and who share one big heart and one tiny braincell. Of the others, I like Firo and Maiza’s almost father-son relationship, the weird friendship Rachel has with Claire and Claire and Ladd trying to out-crazy eachother never gets old.

11 - My favourite group/faction.

I love the concept of the Dollars in Durarara!!, as a gang made up of (mostly) anonymous people from all over Ikebukuro ready to act on requests given via cellphone messages in a surprisingly coordinated manner, they have the potential to be very dangerous. Hopefully its more morally upstanding members can stop Mikado from doing anything too bad.

As for Baccano!, I love Jaccuzi and his friendly neighbourhood gangsters, they might have tried to rob a train but dammit, they will protect it from the other really bad hijakers.

12 - Most iconic scene.

Durarara!!: Shizuo hurling a vending machine at Izaya.

Baccano!: Isaac and Miria trying to steal a museum by stealing its door, while posing for the security cameras in mummy disguises. That or the scene where Firo’s finger gets cut off only to immediately regenerate.

13 - My favourite scene.

Durarara!!: I think I mentioned it already, but the scene where Mikado reveals himself as the leader of the Dollars and the faceless gray masses bloom in colour as members.

Baccano!: it’s a very unimportant scene in the grand scheme of things, but Firo taking down several men without dropping his hat never fails to make me smile.

14 - My favourite story arc (for serialised works) or favourite act (for self-contained works).

I’m having difficulty dividing Durarara!! into distinct arcs but overall I enjoyed the events shown in the first season the most. Regarding Baccano!, my favourite is the Flying Pussyfoot/Trainjacking segment. I mean, you have a violent cult trying to get their leader out of prison, a group of psychos looking for a massacre, a street gang and a pair of incompetent loony thieves all independently deciding to target the same train. Which happens to have an assassin, an informant and several immortals on board. Watch the fireworks!

15 - My favourite plot twist.

Durarara!!: I already used “Mikado is the Dollars leader” for favourite scene, so I guess “Masaomi is the Yellow Scarves leader” comes in here.

Baccano!: the Rail Tracer being revealed as the random and supposedly killed conductor who is actually Claire Stanfield the assassin. The execution was perfect.

16 - What I’d like to or would have liked to see happen.

Oh man, I really need to catch up on both series, especially Baccano! since I didn’t read past what was already covered in the anime. So, no answer for this one because for all I know what I want to happen already happened lol.

[awed-frog]

tl;dr: nope

I got a couple of anon asks about this, and I’m also tagging @twist-shout-and-shells because they asked me to, but I have to say - I don’t know anything about comics, I don’t know Marvel at all, so this review is just a meaningless rant. Like, I know so little about this universe that the first superhero movie I ever saw in my life was Thor, and the only reason they got me was because my mythology-loving ass assumed this would be about the actual god, you know?, so that was a very confusing two hours. Anyway - after this, I’m done with them. The ridiculous hype campaign they created around Infinity War actually activated my crow brain, which means I rushed to the theater because I was sort of expecting this would be a shocking masterpiece and any spoiler would ruin it for me, and - yeah. Never doing that again. Because, whatever - they do manage to come up with some good writing from time to time, and Black Panther’s success had made me hope they’d finally recognize that a solid, coherent and meaningful story is really the first thing you need, but apparently not? 

Ugh.

Anyway, here are main reasons why I didn’t like Infinity War.

1) No, we don’t need a new plague

Problem number one with this movie is that it fails to take into account that our IQ as a people has dropped about twenty points over the last thirty years (and I’m not even joking) and that means even a guy nicknamed ‘Mad Titan’ is actually given the benefit of the doubt (I don’t remember anyone thinking Hela might have had a point, but then again, women are known to be emotionally compromised at all times, right, so all that rage was probably PMS and crazy bitches, amirite?, can’t live with them, can’t live without them). And here, predictably, is the result:

I even checked Breitbart so you wouldn’t have to and while they seem confused as to whether they should support this movie or not (don’t watch because Captain America is played by ‘Comrade Communism’, do watch because Chris Pratt is a Good Christian Man), it’s still clear to everybody over there that Thanos, “an environmentalist wacko obsessed with salvaging the natural resources of the universe” is “espousing liberal jibberish”.

So, I’m going to keep it short and mostly sourceless because I saw a lot of people discussing this, but just to be clear: yeah, it is worrying that human population has basically tripled in thirty years, but the correlation ‘more people = more damage & fewer resources’ isn’t as clear-cut as some like to think. Also, research shows that women being recognized as human beings - that’s the actual way to solve this problem (see also x, x), which means that if Thanos had meant business, he could have used those frwaking stones to build schools and family planning centres. 

2) Your plan against evil can’t be just saying no

This is probably what bugs me the most both in fiction and IRL: saying ‘Trump is a moron’, ‘capitalism is bad’ or ‘genocide is wrong’ is not a political program. It’s a moral stance, and kudos to you, but if you want to make the world a better place, you need a lot more than that. But, nope - IW fell into this trap with such relish I can actually believe no one saw this as a problem - at all. When Thanos pointed out, rather smugly, that decimating Gamora’s planet had led to a new era of happiness and prosperity, she didn’t react in any way. We never saw Tony or Shuri mentioning the outlandish, extravagant idea that better and greener technology could actually save us all. We never saw anyone point out that when the richest 1% own half the world’s wealth, wiping out half of a Nairobi slum isn’t likely to do much for the environment. I guess it wasn’t relevant to the plot?

3) Turning your audience against the good guys = dick move

That said, our planet is objectively in bad shape, and writers and artists who are (or like to think of themselves as) engagés are more than welcome to discuss this - for all her faults, JK Rowling did that to perfection in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, focusing on the importance of conservation and taking a clear stance against animal trafficking. Other movies, of course, went a lot farther than that: my movie rec of the day is Okja, a masterful and soulwrenching look at how capitalism manages food production. But IW, on top of everything else, manages to be an anti-green movement movie? As if that was needed in any way? Apparently comic!Thanos’ goal was to impress Lady Death or something, and maybe they should have gone with that, because to me, movie!Thanos’ plan sounds like an ill-conceived and unfortunate parody of the green movement. In fact, eminent biologist E. O. Wilson’s Half-Earth explores this exact possibility - which is not about killing off 50% of the population, thank you very much, but about improving agriculture and urban structures so we can leave 50% of the world to the rest of the ecosystem. And maybe it’s just me, but isn’t it a bit weird the book came out at about the same time when IW’s script was being written? I try not to be a paranoid nutcase, but come on. Because what the movie does is that it turns Thanos into a sort of green Hitler whose only focus is the environment (“But he was a vegetarian!”), cue the creepy final shot of him going all ‘Schwarzy in the forest’ surrounded by clean-water creeks and happy animals while we are left counting our dead. The metaphor couldn’t be more obvious, and to be honest it is most unwelcome. Time and place, guys? I really haven’t seen something so revolting since I got to the end of the Da Vinci Code and realized atheists were the true monsters all along.

4) Being a hero doesn’t mean saving your friends

So this is starting to become a trend, and seriously, enough. If you’re a hero, then you need to think of something greater than yourself, and this is why your life will suck and suck and suck until your untimely death. Deal with it? And I can understand Loki giving up the Tesseract for his brother, because he’s always been more of an anti-hero than a hero, and his morals are shot to hell in any case, and I’ll forgive Dr Strange because he clearly saw something we didn’t, but what the hell was Steve thinking? Seriously, I keep seeing posts about how Pure and Noble Steve is, and guys, did we even see the same movie? Bringing Vision to Wakanda meant endangering an entire nation, and thousands of people there paid for that choice with their lives. It’s because Steve insisted in not seeing the big picture - or accepting Vision’s own wishes - that Thanos even succeeded in the first place. If they’d destroyed the stone, Thanos would never have gotten his hands on it, and Wakanda would not have been attacked by a horde of alien demons. Sacrificing hundreds or thousands of nameless (black, African) warriors to keep one (white) man safe is not heroism - it’s cowardice. It’s assuming your own feelings and your friends’ lives count more than the lives of strangers, and this is the exact opposite of how a hero should think. Not that I’m surprised, since Steve already condoned the destruction of half of Bucharest to save Bucky, but whatever. Compare and contrast with Tony, by the way, who first tried to destroy the Time stone, then chose to sacrifice himself to save someone he didn’t even like? Yeah, that’s more like it. #TeamStark

5) Every single woman is defined by her relationship to a man

With the caveat that no emotion, connection or motivation is throroughly explored in IW because it’s an action-packed movie during which people never speak an honest word to each other (relying instead on posturing, movie quotes and sarcastic remarks), here is basically what happens: men have things, and women have men. Tony’s journey is mostly about saving Peter and also sacrificing himself for the world. Steve is all about his friends and various heroics. Dr Strange is a sort of ascetic monk playing the long game. Thanos wants to save the universe or something. And Vision is on a quest towards humanity? Maybe? But the women - Gamora is important because she’s Thanos’ daughter. Scarlet Witch is important because she loves Vision. Natasha (I think she’s in the movie? I don’t actually remember if we hear her speak) is on Cap’s side because Cap. Pepper only appears to remind us of what Tony has to lose. Exceptions to this rule include Shuri, whom IW didn’t quite manage to destroy; Loki, who was always female- and queer-coded, so I’m not surprised he ends up dying for the handsome and suitably Aryan hero; and arguably Starlord, who mostly fights for Gamora (what is a virtue in a woman, however, is a weakness in a man, because Starlord ends up fucking up the plan because of his love for her). And I know they probably tried to compensate for the complete lack of women in the movie by highlighting how powerful Scarlet Witch is and focusing so much on Gamora, but I’m an annoying person, so that didn’t work for me. Because, again, Scarlet Witch is a 2D character plucked directly from a Victorian dictionary’s definition of ‘woman’ (while the menfolk around her worry about the possible demise of the Entire Earth, there she is, channelling all her energy in being a good and loyal companion to her robot husband) and Gamora has no more control over her life in this movie than she had as a child? Her main narrative purpose in IW is to make us feel bad for her boyfriend and father, who’re both driven to kill her (for very different reasons) and suffer for her death (and don’t get me started on Thanos suddenly loving someone and what a stroke of luck, the one person in the universe he gives a damn about just happens to be standing next to him on top of a cliff when he needs to kill her). Seriously, why is it that female characters’ concerns still begin and end with romantic love? This trope that romance is the most important thing for every single woman needed to die, like, yesterday.

6) None of that actually means anything

Look, I’m a sucker of time-travel of any description, but I also think time-travel must be done honestly or not at all. Movies like Back to the Future or Arrival both use time bending to great effect, because the stakes are real and painful and there are all sort of complex decisions facing our heroes. But IW doesn’t care about any of that. The existence of the Time stone is not about ethical dilemmas or even turning up the drama to eleven - the one purpose of that thing is to make us hope that our personal fave is not dead after all, so we’ll keep watching this stupid franchise until the end of times. That finale could have been innovative and heartwrenching, and instead we already know it wasn’t. Samuel L. Jackson is apparently confirmed in Captain Marvel, which will be released next year, and we also know they’re working on Spider-Man 2, Guardians of the Galaxy 3, Black Panther 2 and Doctor Strange 2. Capitalism has very nearly killed the possibility of creating a well-written and gutting story, because the rule is, If it makes money, it goes the fuck on. Hence TV shows which no longer make any kind of sense but we all keep watching out of nostalgia, affection for the characters or dissatisfaction with our own lives, and also franchises which stretch the plot to new and boring limits (for instance, it beggars belief that Tony and Steve didn’t even meet in IW, and their fight never came up at all: I guess we’ll have to wait for IW 2, or Avengers 37: The One with The Talk). And here, again, studios are so greedy that they willingly disregard the fact audiences will reward ‘complete’ stories: for instance, Logan was critically acclaimed and made tons of money, but the risk of ‘permanently’ killing off a beloved character is still considered too high. And playing it safe actually works: IW costed $320 million, which is about 5% of the studio’s budget, and that investment has already been repaid in full (the movie made double that in the first two weeks).  

(Meanwhile, 21st Century Fox gained more than one billion dollars from Trump’s TAX REFORM THAT WILL MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN - probably a disappointing amount of money for owner Richard Murdoch, who has a net worth of 15 billion and is known to use some of that hard-earned cash to support laudable & important causes such as the privatization of public education, but hey, we all need to make do and move on, right? Right.)

So this is mostly it. To be fair, IW was mildly entertaining, and I thought they sort of did a good job in juggling twenty leads - we got no character development at all and no meaningful dialogue, but we saw everybody at least once and their lines were funny? Some moments were genuinely good despite a couple of bizarre plot points (I’m still unclear on why Strange didn’t create a circle of fire around Thanos’ arm, and very tired of the overused ‘Yeah, let’s save the most powerful weapons for last’ trope), so I wouldn’t say this was the worst movie ever made, but as I said, I’m done. I’ve given more than enough money to this franchise, so when IW 2 comes out, I think I’ll be a boring adult and watch it on TV as I’m doing my ironing or something. Good times.