#with evan - didn't realise he was falling for him or rather the idea of him. but he knows how this ends and it doens't end well for tommy..

[buckevantommy]

alternate 8x06 where Buck doesn't race ahead:

They go to the movie. They share popcorn and hold hands and Buck watches a captivated Tommy more than the screen. He's thinking about date nights where they don't have to worry about two cars or parking. He's thinking about going to sleep next to Tommy and waking up beside him instead of one of them rushing back to their place for clothes or bc they have a shift soon. He's thinking about the drawer he gave Tommy turning into half a closet and all of Tommy's things in his space becoming their space..

..and then he remembers: Tommy has a garage with a carlift and engine parts and a muay thai setup. Tommy has furniture. Tommy has a yard and a garden and trees. Tommy has a house.

Buck turns his attention back to the movie. Now he's thinking about the illogical nature of asking Tommy to move into the loft: it's not fair to Tommy and also it's not the best idea. He doesn't know what the best idea is, yet, and maybe he won't know until he talks to Tommy.

Because that's where he went wrong in the past: moving in with girlfriends without actually talking about it first, it just sort of happened or was expected. and they all left him. He doesn't want Tommy to leave him. They've been together six months and haven't talked about the future. Buck is thinking about the future now so he needs to talk to Tommy - see where he's at and how he feels.

Back at the loft after the movie, in Buck's bed after sex, Tommy can sense Buck's restless mind. He checks in, because he always does, and Buck hesitates. Then asks: "Do you ever think about the future?"

And Tommy says sure, so Buck presses for details, curious, and then it's Tommy's turn to hesitate. But he mentions some stuff about work - flying certain crafts, heading up a training program, a few bucket list items, but all in all just keep doing a job he loves and keep renovating his little house or maybe there's a little holiday cabin that needs some work.

Nothing about Buck. Nothing about a partner or a family. Buck's heart does something funny in his chest, something uncomfortable, and his nerves kick in properly.

"What about you?" Tommy asks, and Buck swears he tenses under him.

"Captaincy, one day, I hope. I travelled a lot in my youth so I don't really have the bug for that anymore, but I was alone then. I think I'd wanna go places if I wasn't alone. And I don't wanna live here forever, obviously." He means the loft, but he's not closed off to the idea of living outside LA. And since he has no self preservation, he adds: "And.. you." He doesn't say mention getting married or being a father, because that feels like too much all at once.

His nerves are having a field day as Tommy remains quiet.

Buck leans up, terrified and desperate to see Tommy's face. "Do you.. see me in your future?"

They're naked and pressed together under the tangled sheets. Tommy's hand has stilled where it was tracing soothing patterns on Buck's arm. It isn't right. The air feels charged in a bad way, like waiting for lightning to strike.

"Evan.."

"I love you." He doesn't want to say it like this, not for the first time, but it suddenly feels urgent, like tommy has to know right now and maybe it'll change the way he just said his name - like an apology, like a regret.

"You don't love me. You love the idea of me."

And that- that's not true. And it hurts. And Tommy's face has fallen. "No, I-"

Tommy sits up, dislodging Buck, and swings his legs over the side of the bed.

"Wait- where are you going?" Tommy's gathering his things. He's getting dressed. Anxiety and dread swirl in the pit of Buck's stomach.

"I'm going home."

Home. It hurts to hear. "You don't have to leave-" Buck knows he's pleading, he doesn't care. He scrambles off the bed, tugging on his boxers as Tommy reaches for his shirt.

"I think it's for the best."

"No, it's not- we can talk about this."

"There's nothing to talk about."

Buck stills. Tommy's holding his jacket, standing at the top of the stairs, trying to school his features to hide his emotions. He does that. He hides things. "What's happening right now?"

For a brief moment, tommy lets devastation show on his face, before it's tucked away behind a mask.

"I thought.." He doesn't know what he thought. He'd hoped Tommy felt the same, that they were on the same page. Six months in and he can already picture a life with Tommy.

"I'm sorry."

Sorry you thought this was more than what it was. Buck feels sick. His heart is stuttering. "Tommy-"

"Goodnight, Evan."

It feels like Goodbye, and Buck can't find the words to make Tommy stay before he's disappearing down the stairs and the loft door is closing behind him.

Sometimes lightning strikes the same place twice. Maybe it's connected to the string of bad luck that's followed him his whole life. Maybe he's jinxed, or cursed. Or maybe it's his own fault, his choices acting as a conductor for the kind of carnage most people only experience once.

[themusiclover19]

Ok so this will likely go nowhere and no one will care but I overheard someone say that Words Fail was just Evan throwing a pity party and I just cannot. Yes we can criticise Evan and what he did, yes the show has faults, but that damn show made me feel seen. That song made me feel known. There is a huge part of me that relates to Words Fail, and every time it's on it is just an experience.

Evan got stuck in a lie, one he didn't feel able to deny at the start. Yes he went too far and jeez he could have at least tried to keep his distance, but he suddenly had everything he wanted and they were all trauma bonding.

Words Fail just captures that moment of realisation. There are so many moments in it that breaks me heart.

He never meant to let it go on that far. He knows there's no explaination, not way to make it make sense, because it doesn't. He knows that. He justified it to himself, saying they were all happy, that he was at least honouring their memory of Connor. It was a sad invention, something good in his shitty life that he held onto. It was selfish and so misguided but he is a kid and kids struggle in the best days, let alone someone with social anxiety and someone suicidal.

I'd rather pretend I'm something better than these broken part, pretend I'm something other than this mess that I am. When I tell you the actual gut punch this gave me the first time. I sobbed. I couldn't help it. I spent years as a teenager holding onto the idea that I could pretend to be better, pretend to be normal and I lied about myself. We all do it. I pretended I had more friends, pretended I was liked and not just a sad, lonely person.

Would they like what they saw, or would they hate it too. This shattered and scattered the already breaking parts of me. Hitting that nerve I had thought I had hidden away. That deep fear of people hating the real me, the one I had worked so hard on.

Evan is such a flawed person, a broken person, and honestly, I fully expected the show to end with him committing suicide. Because there is no chance in another life if I was in his shoes that I wouldn't have. You build up such a believe that everyone would hate the real you and let's face it, Evan's whole world falling apart kind of proves him right.

I am so glad the show ended how it did, even if it felt a little bittersweet and almost lacking. Connor's family didn't have to keep what Evan did a secret, but they did, and Evan did start working on himself. It's not perfect, and it isn't happy, but it is hopeful, which is a lot to a suicidal person.

So no, no part of me can say it's Evan throwing a pity party for himself because it reflects some of my darkest moments too closely. It is written so much like a suicide note and it is something that is too close to home. Yes, Evan screwed up, but he was a broken kid with so many issues.