#with each other. thats... pretty common in this world as far as desires go | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

samcro-saint99 · 7 years ago

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Off to the Races

Hey Dolls! This one is once again very loosely based on ‘Ride’ and ‘Off to the Races’ by the Queen herself, Lana del Rey. I would love to thank @thirstygirlclub for giving it a look over for me! As always if you guys would like a part two I would be more than happy to oblige! Up next is a Chibby request :)

All my Love,

Saint xxx

Update - I’m really sorry but I have no idea what’s going on with the font/format here 😳

She had grown tired of feeling alone, so she ran. The men she met on the road, although they didn’t love her, she found solace in there arms. The affection they shared, gave her validation. Made her feel worth something.

She was a girl who had always dreamed of being a singer, but cynic inside her saw those dreams dashed, becoming a million stars in the dark night sky. That dream was replaced with an insatiable urge to run, to be free. She wished on those stars over and over that she would be free. Then one day, she decided to take the stars into her own hands and just run.

Her body gracefully writhed to the beat, her little black dress riding up with each bend of her long elegant legs. The lights both dizzied and dazzled her, the rhythm of the music coursing through her blood, hypnotising her soul. But she was not unaware of the serious man watching her over his beer at the bar, and it made her smirk knowing what she was doing to him. She brushed her hair over one shoulder, knowing that the sight of her exposed neck cascading down to her ample chest would drive him wild. Grinding up against a crow eater, she could feel his stare boring into her. Strutting over to the bar to stand by him, he placed a hand on her ass as she sipped her Bacardi cruiser, feeling the sweet liquid roll down her throat as his hand caressed her curves.

It was 2 in the morning, the street lights illuminating the street outside her favourite night spot. But it was far from another night of work. She felt the sting in her palms and knees as she collided with the ground. Leaning on all fours trying to still the spinning world, she felt him grab her by the arm and pull her up, her head smacking the brick wall as pushed her against it, gasping for breath as his hand tightened around her throat, vaguely aware of the roar of motorcycles passing the ally way. She should’ve screamed for help, but all she could think was, ‘it was always going to happen’. His hand moved up her thy roughly, pushing up her tight skirt.

Suddenly she slumped back to the ground, the feel of the cool rough concrete against her cheek, barely able to make out the sight of her attacker being beaten on the ground through her double vision. Feeling herself being picked up and carried away, a helmet strapped to her head, as the vibrations of a bike shook through her body.

Another boiling California day, it was almost unbearable. He sipped a cool beer as he stepped out onto the porch to watch her play. She ran through the garden, feeling the cold water droplets land on her skin from the sprinkler, cooling her in the scorching heat, her white sundress clinging to her form.

That night they prepared to go out. Leaning against the door frame, he watched her, sitting perched on the bathroom counter, applying various powders, creams, shadows and liquids to her beautifully flawed skin. Hopping off the counter wearing one of his oversized shirts and fluffy socks, her hair tied into two lose plaits, she bounced over to him.

“Hiya Daddy” she greeted with a grin, laying her head to the side with childlike innocence.

“God you’re so beautiful, little girl” he praised roughly, giving her the validation she adored so much.

She looked up at him, batting her cartoon eyes before throwing her arms around his neck, pulling him into a fiery kiss, as he ran his hands down each line of her perfect physique. Eventually pulling back to run off with a giggle to get dressed, digging through her bag to find an outfit, always wanting to look her best for Happy to show off.

After the party that night, they lay in bed, with her laying on his chest. This was all the heaven he could ever want, feeling her warmth against his body, his senses enveloped by her lilac body lotion. And in his arms, she felt safe, hearing his heart beat, and feeling his chest rise and fall with each breath.

She knew exactly what he did. Who he was, having only known him a month before she first saw him kill a man, seeing the spark in his eye as the gun sounded. On the outside he was as tough as the leather of his SAMCRO kutte, but his soul was as sweet as blood red jam. And compared to her, he was a tattooed angel.

Sitting staring into the bedroom mirror, she recalled the nights she used to gaze into the dirty mirrors of the clubs, bars, and hotels, hating who she saw. Thinking of how when she daydreamed of running away, never thinking she would end up a drunk little Lolita stereotype, sharing the her nights with strange men, so she didn’t have to face midnight alone. But now, she looked in the mirror, and she saw somebody who was spoilt and loved. She believed with every fibre of her body that if it wasn’t for Happy, she would have been dead by now. Everything was absolutely perfect, until it all came crashing down on her.

“Hey there, Gorgeous”

The sound of the voice sent a chill through her body, she knew that voice and had heard it many a night. She turned to face the gruff man with a look of pure terror on her face, met with an unshaven face, protruding stomach, and nicotine yellowed teeth. He had been one of her regulars. Her heart rate quickened and her breath shallowed, as she rushed away to the car.

Tears streamed down her blank face. She’d been so stupid to think that she could leave all that behind, all the feelings that she had been slowly fading away since she had met Happy, suddenly came flooding back. And she was left feeling empty, while at the same time the voices in her head screamed. So she did what she always did to quiet the voices.

After finding her way to a bar in Stockton, she began to drink. Less than an hour later she was eight bottles of Bacardi in and welcomed the familiarly fuzzy feeling, all common sense leaving her body.

Before she knew it she had climbed onto the bar, getting lost in the vibrations of the bass. Slipping the straps of her dress, letting them slide from her shoulders, she heard the applause and jeers of encouragement from the men that now watched her on the bar.

Out of nowhere she was yanked from the bar, feeling herself being thrown over someones shoulder, when she pulled herself up she recognised the neck tattoos, it was Happy. She hadn’t even seen him enter the bar.

When they got back to his house, she sat down on the couch while he stood over her, glaring at her, with a look that could kill twenty men. They both sat their in silence for a solid three minuets, before he started speak, then breaking into a yell. He yelled about everything, how she hadn’t changed, how she never even tried to help herself, how everything she had said to him about wanting to change had been a lie, how she had used him, but the last thing he said broke her.

“You’re nothing but a little whore” he mumbled, turning away, walking out the door with a slam, his Harley tearing down the street.

She sat there in shock, his words stung, breaking apart the last part of her hope that life could ever be better. Dragging her feet to the bedroom she stuffed all her clothes into her bag, before heading out the door, walking up the street, until she reached the bus station.

He was right. She was nothing but a dirty slut. A play thing for rich older men, or anybody with a pretty penny. She had been stupid for thinking that things would ever be different. She had no moral compass. Nothing to point her to right or wrong. Always just living somewhere in between, doing what she had to do. She would never belong to anyone, or anywhere.

Watching the country side race past as she rested her head against the graffiti carved window, she gazed outside at the cloudy sky. Her face cold and emotionless as the bus sped her towards her unknown stop, further away from her last chance of home.

But she prayed to any god that may have existed, that Happy found joy, found salvation. And learned to live life in the way of his namesake.

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When Happy pulled up back home, he knew he had fucked up. He hadn’t meant any of it, he loved her. She was his world. His everything. And he knew that what he said was so out of line. As he walked through the door, he noticed a folded piece of paper on the floor, his name written on it in her curly handwriting.

Happy,

I’m sorry to leave, without a goodbye, but the truth is - you were right. I never tried to change, and honestly I don’t think I could.

When I ran, I didn’t know what would happen, where I would end up or who I would meet. That was part of what attracted me to the idea, the freedom of being unattached. I thought that I could just run and eventually I would find somewhere to feel safe and to call home.

And I finally did. With you. Together we had nothing to lose, nothing we desired more than each other, except to just be - a perfect work of art.

My mother always taught me to believe in the kindness of strangers. I never had any faith in those words, until you saved me that night. You found a shattered play thing and took me in. But thats the thing about shattered things, they can never be put back together.

I’m drowning, and I don’t want to take you down with me.

Live life and stay safe xx

By the time he read those last two words, the paper scrunched in his hand as ran frantically to the bedroom to find all her things were missing. Once he’d searched to entire house, he walked into the lounge room, flopping down onto the couch, a dazed look painted across his pained face.

She was gone.

#off to the races #ride #lana del rey #samcro #sons of anarchy #imagine #one shot

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nocancer · 5 years ago

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Why It Rains

~~~~ an excerpt from a working novel by Cancer moon. ~~~~~**

Lately I’ve been channeling from a higher source. And it’s not something I have to keep up with. It feels like, natural almost. Like im always at the same level of it, or at least very close. I’m not gonna lie, I was scared at first. Scared that I would fail. Scared that I wouldn’t live up to the expectations I set for myself while meditating. But so far things are looking up. I even got that new computer I wanted. Who knows, for now I’m just gonna keep writing and go from there. I’m not too concerned with the trivial things that life likes to bother us with, seemingly always at the worst times imaginable. I might check out this internet thing too. It’s promoted as this fun happy place and if I didn’t know any better, I’d of taken that for face value, right off the bat like a sucker. Next thing you know the internet turns out to be a cold and lonely place, and I’m left to wallow in my own self-pity, clutching my knees in the fetal position, mad at myself for failing to see the internet for what it is, a stupid marketing scheme. The point is, I have to see for myself. That’s just the type of person I am. You can ask my mom that. She’ll tell you. Ask her about the time I told the guy who was fixing my alternator to shove it when he was trying to charge me a thousand. Mind you, I had the money. But you’re not supposed to be dishonest to me just ‘cause I’m a millenial. The guy pretty much called me that. He said, hey kid, try to be more polite next time. But I never listened. I don’t need advice from a deadbeat greasemonkey. Anyway, apparently everyone’s connected to the cloud via sites like facebook and instagram. And when people log on to jump in on the action, usually the first thing they do is say hi to their friends, and maybe even drop a smile or two to show them they care. And if they drop a heart then you know they already had a chance to settle in, and are just trying to take it to the next level, now that the internet, in all its digital, impermanent page swiping glory, is owned, unabashedly theirs.

Conscious apples of languid rotundity creep along countless borders of a pale grey sky.

The pears are unwavering in the efforts of embassy, initiating calls backs when the time calls for it, and deceit when grape factions step in and intervene.

“What are these meddling affairs, young pear?” asked the grape.

“I don’t know. It’s the apples control our every move. How we live. Our daily lives.”

“Hush with that nonsense. You are nothing but a pear, a young one at that, how could you possibly know who’s behind it all?”

“I don’t know.”

The grape and the young pear sat on a brook and wondered who was behind it all.

-------

You see this all-seeing-eye mural in Atlanta? On the side of Ravine across the street from the federal reserve building? Yeah. I could strip down naked and run to the middle of that intersection there and scream my lungs out until i started coughing up blood and act violent to anyone who approached me and i still wouldnt match the frequency of that demonic shit. People walk by it everyday going to work, going to lunch, going to walk their dog, and nobody bats an eye. An eye for the government, an eye for the media, an eye for world hunger. Not a single raised eyebrow goes towards whats in control of every aspect of their daily lives. Oh the president controls my life. But I voted for him, so its okay. Is what they would say, as they munched on Mcdonalds with vaccines in their arms and got mad at traffic because they were going to miss their favorite show. A show that retroactively fed into a never ending problem and response feedback loop that activates the reptilian part of the brain by broadcasting images of rape and pedophilia via techniques that the producers learned at Harvard’s school of broadcasting, which also used a system of coercion, this time in the blind trust the students had for their professors just because they dressed nice and said big words. You’re going places. This kid’s gonna be a star.

-----

I’m only half of what I am without your other half to complete me. Only kids ask rhetorical questions. But why should I be any different?

I live by the way side. Wherever the wind takes me. I notice things that most don’t. I’m not sure if what I think is valid or not. I don’t believe anything is valid. Likewise I dont believe anything is invalid. One things for sure. If there’s one thing I know to be true. Is that I’m not an adult. No, Definitely not.

-----------

Hiksos lamented blast fully daring the credence of all his undoing. Unjust and bashful forwritten to layers upong layers of drug smitten landscapes.

“Youre good/” Said Jamie.

I see why she likes so much to hate on anyone she can get her hands on. And im not talking about physical hands. No, these are claws of misfortune. --The bad falls into a category still undefined by our human grasp.--

Apples on seminoles. Berries on amazing places we strove for.

The graveyard was pure and unassuming as a place for the dead should very well be. And with that we took our ritual to newer, more fulfilling levels. Levels of which determine our outlook as shades between optimistic and cautiously realistic. With our futures in the balance,

“Whatchu think dawg?” said Jerry. He was on his 2nd beer and 5th shot of vodka sprite. and I was on my mind long enough for nothing to be worth a damn. The vibe was dull, and the smoke gone. I lit a cigarette.

“I feel like shit.”

“You good?” J

“Yeah but I’m just tired like overall.” About life.

“Why not be happy about life? It’s all in your head. Just flip the switch. Like a light. On and off. Boom. No more stress.” J

“If only if it were that easy.”

“It is that easy. That’s the thing.”

Sipping heroically, going farther and phasing out all menial contrivances. Searching for myself like the lost land of atlantis. Humanity will get what it deserves.

“In due time” said Thomas.

I look at orion and wonder if those faint stars below its belt are actually indicative of a warrior kneeling on one knee with his shield raised or if its a flaccid penis that hangs all the way down to his knee. Im a pervert, always have been. Theres no stopping how much i will crash thoughtforms together in a heinous way until they stick together and form a common truth. I’m on the last life cycle of a cat’s 9 lives. Theres really nothing to lose by being a pervert. I had a friend in high school who said we’re all gay. I dont remember when. He said it more than once. I dont know if he was gay. I didnt think like that back then, but I wouldn’t to be anything other than who I am today. But again, there’s no stopping a mind so spiritual that it can hold each and every possibility at once and consider them valid. Then an external force canceling out my infinity. And I’m left to deal with people as if playing some sick little game thats suppose to teach me a lesson or something. So that I can ascend to the next plane of existence. At least thats what I’ve heard. But when the night hits and everyone finally shuts up for once it seems much simpler than that. Like im watching myself through a lens bestowed on me by a god with no intelligence. And during the day he becomes intelligent, and I’m left trying to keep up with, on his terms. “Fuck you bitch” I tell it often. “Youre not real” I’d say over and over. “What the fuck” is the saying that gives closure to it all. The only reason God looks good on paper is because it’s a testament to the author being strong enough to have it in his mind and make sense of it. It’s a mark people wear like aushwitz that make their beliefs somehow something you should pay attention to because I’m physical and God’s not but I speak of God so therefore God’s physical so you should listen to me. But then thatd make the speaker God.

By and by I’ve messed up hastily my dreams and aspirations. Tattooed on a building as ink drips down like an inner angst perceiving things as they are, and not what society says they should be. The happy medium an ephemeral code that could shift and shake into any causality one deems it to. The rulers of the world have taken domain over the one thing every human on earth has in common. I call this desire. They call it money. A body that begets greed and turns hatred to lust. Actions which motivate our inhibitions to phantasmagoria. Until we accept our place as lesser than the pettiness of our common folk. Shy and afraid, contingent upon basement dwelling lab rats who fane logic to reasonable bell curves while sucking nature dry of her own resources. The very nature that sunlight reflects upon his incessant rays which batter and tumble the distance. If only they knew she was her and he was them. But it doesn’t go like that here. Because if it did, then all karmas coming to a head would get their just due, and we’d be in purgatory. While heaven remained for the gods and earth for the mortals. And nothing can be God except authority to mortals when they’ve been tricked into accepting the state and thus have become it..

What a lovely home indeed. No one could bother me here. Except for the only one’s I knew. Because nobody knows I exist except for those who know me. I’d rather keep it that way. For a streak of doubt can enter me at any time and cause worry for my future. A future still so far away because I lack the initiative to care. Maybe that will change now that I have room to breathe. Just when I thought I was going downhill for good, my dad came around for me. And now I have a responsibility to get me up in the morning. No more waiting in line for luck to befall me in my yoga. The truth is, when reality caved in itself, and I could see the dying whispers in the eyes of those around me, I accepted my estrangement from the happy things in life. My avoidance of the dastardly grotesque was keeping me back this whole time. I like darkness and pitiful efforts of circumstance that vibrate low enough to stay hidden from others, but high enough so that it is detectable by my astral receiver. Two of which is an outward expression of another. The extension of material that is necessary for movement to take place. Before this realization I endured through pain of my own doing.

“How are you?” people would say.

And I never had a response.

Telepathic centrifuges would scan my mind. Taking flight off far off reaches of iniquity. All facets calling upon a microverse for an answer. I an I. Then they’d be gone without hesitation.

“Jerry’s calling” said Thomas.

“for what?” This guy wont leave me alone, I thought.

“I don’t know answer it.”

“Why are you bored?” I said.

“Yes, maybe he has weed.” Said Thomas.

“Ay whatsup man. Me and Thomas we’re just talking about you.”

“Oh word?”

“Yeah and then you call its like divine intervention or something?”

“Yeah thomas was tryna find some weed and you the first person he thought of so you must be doing something right.”

“Yo Thomas.”

“Oh hold up let me put you on speaker.” I said quickly.

“Is Thomas there? Yo Thomas.”

“Jerry, whats good?”

“I got the pack man, I heard you was lookin for a come up. I got the pack man.”

“Aight bet cus im bored as a motherfucka right now ya feel me?”

“It aint my fault.”

“Yo he do gotta big ass house tho I aint gone lie but like shit aint got nothin in it.”

“I just moved here a week ago.”

“So for a whole week- Yo is today Friday?”

“Yeah its Friday.” Who cares? I thought.

“So that’s last Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and now Friday, and you still aint got nothin in here but a fridge.”

“You aint even seen the whole house.”

“Nah you know you just in the middle of the carpet with no pillow no blankets or nothin.

And you wake up and go open the fridge and aint nothin in it. Then you go back to sleep.”

“Ay what he dream about?” Jerry said through the phone.

He aint dream about much ‘cept for one occurring dream. Of a fridge, but this time it’s a mini fridge. And its pink and he’s able to move it around, so he takes it up to his room and opens the freezer door just a little so it’s a little crack and he starts beatin it up till he has a wet dream and wakes up.”

“Alright you took it too far. It was kinda funny before but you killed it.”

“Wait, Where’s the fridge now? It’s not in the kitchen?” Jerry said.

“Bruh that’s the thing its just in the middle of the living room not even plugged in or nothin.”

“Jerry I know you so concerned about my god damn fridge but this time dude is lying over here.”

haha

“It’s in my kitchen like a normal person. Like I don’t know I guess you think this shit is funny or something but whatever come through and you can see for yourself.” Don’t talk to him he’s a loser was the attitude I was picking up. I thought they we’re beyond all that and capable of extraneous thought. Oh well, I guess I’m done with these idiots.

No more sitting around all day.

If I can see them for who I want, and not who they really are, it’d make no difference.

It’s a best of both worlds type situation. I just hate that I have to resort to this.

Its a sporadic and unpredictable endeavor that can detach you from life’s depiction. Seemingly framing a purpose in cosmetics among layer-caked mine field of mind clouds. I want to be a positive addition to those around me. And for them to be honest to me in return. Honest because everything around me is a nuisance. And dishonest It’s not necessary to have car insurance, police, governments. This realm is alive. 3 dimensions respective of splashes and 3rd parties. Because of this fact, I must be able to flow freely, grounded in freedom, estranged to control. Last summer when I jumped into the alleghany i felt freer than i have in a long ass time. Jerry asked me if he thought we’d still be here next year. I told him I didn’t want to think about it. That I was enjoying the moment.

“Man fuck that bitch.” T

“What? Who you callin’ a bitch?” J

“You know what I mean.” Thomas smacked his lips.

“I really don’t but whatever.” J

“Yo Jerry did you leave yet?”

“How far away is it? Not too bad right?”

“Nah it’s not too bad you’re like 30 minutes away. You’re in a nice area. Lots of rich people.” J

“Yeah I came up on it. It kinda just happened.”

“Whatchu mean it fell out of the sky?” Jerry asked.

“It’s been in my family for a while and I was lucky enough to be gifted it.” I said.

“That’s dope, you’ll get some good use out of it.”

“Yeah I’ma take advantage of what I got ya know? Make it so anyone can pull up as long as I fuck with them.” I said.

“Thats why I’m comin’ through.

Just say its the spot and I’m there.”

“For sure. But yo, if youre bringing your girl over then bring some pillows and blankets to sleep on cus I only got mine.”

“I need some too.” Thomas joined in.”

“We’ll stop then.” I said reluctantly.

“

“And where are we gonna chill? We can’t just sit on the floor.” Thomas took his eyes off the road.

“Alright, theres a home depot near the chinese place we’ll go their while we wait.” I said.

“Does Home Depot have blankets?” Thomas said like he was so concerned.

“No but they got that outdoor patio section for furniture and shit, So I don’t know we’ll find something.”

“They got mad carhartt jackets for the low low there. You should check them out.”

“Alright I’ll check them out.” The streetlights suspended time in space.

“Yo spicy egg rolls, add it to the list.” Jerry said finally.

“Sounds good.” Thomas replied. There was a pause.

“You headin’ out?” T

“Yeah. I am. Right now.” Jerry responded.

“A’ight I’ll see you when I see you.” T

I interrupted.

“I was gonna get spring rolls instead and we don’t want too many rolls so you want dumplings instead?” The thought popped into my head and I had to get it out.

“I dont really care either way” Jerry said.

“So yes on the dumplings? Pork, Chicken or beef?” I said.

“Dude I really dont give a fuck.”

“A’ight peace.”

“Wait actually get some extra spring rolls. I don’t want my breath to stink.” Jerry was a quick thinker.

“Okay. Peace.”

I ordered the chinese while Thomas turned the radio down.

It was 7:30 on a Friday. Traffic was still out and slow except on the highway. The plaza where Home Depot was sat on an indent so that a perimeter around us denied the sun a chance of bringing light to the inevitable darkness. Highway barricades exalted the east coast away from our position. I closed my eyes and listened to newly formed divinations stemming from a horizontal after-glow. What was AM was now PM. And just as I would prepare for a weekend of contract work, I too was going to do the same for the night. Because Friday was in the air, telling me I was the cause of it.

Thomas pulled into the lot and flicked his cigarette a stop-sign to an array of F150s and pug-faced express vans that sat high enough to deem his reliable, good on gas mileage, crusty seated hand-me-down first-car shit-box a worthy proponent of wu-wei. It was the type of car that doesn’t speak for anything or reflect an image onto its owner other than its being there.

At least this one had a little personality though, fashioned by who was behind the wheel, and the fact that I knew him through drive-ways of careless faces, drive-thrus, and drunken waffle house binges where we kept to ourselves and almost forgot it wouldn’t last. And even though the universe proved its worth to me, I cant help but feel theres in imbalance in my past.

That these were just moments. And days would go by. Blunts would get passed. Pets would die. We’d hope to not hear of our relatives dying, but that would happen to. Cause of death? Old age. It wouldn’t say that on the obituary. It was say something safe like stage 4 cancer or hodgekins lymphona. But everyone knows about the cap put on as at birth. That there’s a limit to how long we get to stay here. Sometimes we’d hear of our friends dying too. But those were rare cases. Few and far between. Unless of course you were the type of kid to attract that sort of stuff. Then you probably deserved it anyway. That pain. Irregardless of the pain it takes to die. You imagine how it must have felt in the body of your friend. Like they we’re on the otherside begging you to come with them. I’m free. They’d say. It only hurts a little. And unlike the old people, their obituary would read suicide. Basically an off-hand way of saying they needed jesus. Because in the end, nobody truly knows what would drive someone to do that to themselves. We can speculate all we want. They we’re bipolar. They wore funny clothes to school and we’re bullied as a result. But only someone with special access could consult them on that. To ask them why they denied life and chose death instead. Only someone who could be objective about the whole thing and not get caught up in their emotions could ask them this. In America that’s Jesus, God of funeral homes, shepherd of lost souls. The frustrating part, at least to me, is that all he can come up with is it was Satan’s fault. But that doesn’t do it for me. No. I need more than that. After all, Jesus, you faked your own death and ran away to the pyrynees. Did you not? You we’re too afraid to commit suicide. You half-assed your commitment. Maybe you knew what awaited you resembled a sleepless dream? Certainly you knew another part of you was fit for ascension. But then wouldn’t be the center of attention like you we’re on earth. You’d be around people who knew a light language and we’re just as smart as you, if not smarter. The applied principles of the sun was common knowledge there. That was like basic shit. Nobody was looking for preachers there. What they we’re looking for was way more advanced than your little yoga techniques. Stop hiding and tell us what’s really going on out here. Something tells me it has something to do with Satan, just not in the way you’re telling us. I have a feeling he holds the keys to a piece of knowledge we never even knew existed. If that’s the case, and I find out we’ve been duped, then I might just take it upon myself and offer you the same fate you offered my friend when he was down bad on that fateful Spring night mad at the world and pissed off at the hypocrisy you created for him. But this time when I get to you I’ll make sure you won’t be down bad. There will be nothing to numb the pain. No. You’re gonna feel this. Then things will come full circle. Order. I like when things happen that way.

“Yo I need paint. “

“ Paint?”

“I just remembered. For the walls.” I said in a descending volume.

We walked through the doors in the purgatory between store and street. I grabbed a cart.

“Is that what we’re gonna do for fun? Man I might regret this whole night if we end up hanging dry-wall and shit.”

“I hear you bro but we can play poker, I got a speaker so we can bump some music, and we’ll just kick it.”

Thomas strayed passed the check-out lines and almost ran into a stack of wood hanging from a guy’s trolley.

“Where are you going?” I said.

“Where’s the paint?” He said turning around.

We looked like we should be in the city rather than the hardware store. Everyone was looking and I know I’m not paranoid when I say that. We we’re foreigners visiting a small scale metropolis under construction. A place for bandits to face their acrophobia and not make it across to the next tower without getting grime on their gats ort hope they liked our style.

"They got krylons?" I said. The aisle opened up where the rafters stretched through the ceiling leaving ground level two by fours in their dust. If I focused I could hear an echo reverberate off my skull, taking its merry time and judging me before I could hold my breath. “We used to be so into this.” Thomas said.

“I don’t know why we stopped.” I said. He took it as a valid question.

“We got older I guess. Fuck.”

“Remember the overpass on Holcomb Bridge? I wonder if our shits still there.”

“We need to go back there.”

Gum soles in an unfinished basement. This was the most people I’ve ever seen. a’ve ever seen. The fire marshall could’ve came knocking any moment. Though I don’t think anybody would hear him. Lil Pump was 3 doors down. To the fire marshall, is that everyone was moving as one. To the fire marshal, this could be a good or bad thing in the lens of a fire marshall. Good because if someone started popping shots off with an uzi or something and everyone tried to run out the house through the basement side-door, the main one through the hall at the back by the bathroom, or if they went up stairs and found the wrong door and had to jump off the balcony or something, if shit really started to pop off like this, of shit really hit the fan, then it’d be good to have 1 body instead of a hundred. There we’re straddlers of course, but all they’d have to do is hide in its belly folds and hope to not get lost while the body was hauling ass down the street resorting to the dreaded question, “Can I get a ride?” And simply put it’d be bad because human flesh burns quite well when laced with alcohol. That was a risk we were willing to take and that brought us that much closer together.

When I came in with Katie I noticed the crystalline qualities of blonde hair captivated the vibe and were on display in the trim lining. When you looked across it was like some secret edition of the yearbook where everyone didn’t have to pretend they liked each other.

Only this time there were no profiles, only shadows. And instead of signatures there were tattoos on skin that said things like “im too good for you” and “the sky is watching.”

What collected at the corners were pushed outside to observe that ways a part equidistant to the cups on the table to the enthusiasm among them. This was inside. Everyone needed to make sense and not be meta. You couldn’t point out how we were all here by chance like Tommy did, “xxxxxxx” What an idiot. You couldn’t speculate as to why Rhea spent the whole month showing out for sympathy on twitter and crying at school over her breakup with Nick but is now falling on top of him, grabbing his arm and shit and Nick’s just going with it like he doesn’t care his best friend got sucked off by yours truly in front of everyone at last weeks party and he was there and she was there and it was all fine like nothing happened. “Well Nick got with Mercedes, and her and Rhea ignore each other now. It’s really awkward.” Despite the fakeness, there was an heir of trust unlike any ive ever seen here unlike back at school where we’d be leaning into our cheeks thinking about how to score more brownie points with the cliques we were in.

At least that’s what others were thinking about. The teacher’d be talking about solving for y for the millionth time, you know, moving things around by reverse operations to make sure they maintained the same relationship with one another. I never had to study because when it came time to test it’d be like the answers’d just come to me and I’d end up acing the damn thing. I became known as a smart person who didn’t care so everything canceled out and I was able to stay neutral and move between the punks to get drugs, the nerds to get power, and the popular kids to get access to parties like the one I was at now. I know this all sounds vain, but I guess that’s how it works when you’re a teenager still trying to find yourself when everyone else was doing the same but would rather die then admit it. Now that I look back I realize the whole thing was meaningless. There was no substance, no fulfillment. High School was mostly waiting with small pockets of being thrust into the limelight. Just a series of empty promises leading nowhere. You could of met your better half completely in the midst of knowing each other at a soul level but all indications were that it wouldn’t last so you made excuses and broke it off before it was too late so that your future could be at least bearable when you we’re laying in your cheeks mad at the world wondering why you were the only thing you could think about. You could rest your heart on your decision. The sex flashbacks at the most random times like talking to your grandma or waiting in line at the grocery store didn’t matter anymore. You could put it all on that. Your decision.

“Daniel, I’m so glad you could make it.”

“Likewise Sharlene, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“Oh how sweet of you to say that to me.”

“Wait, why are you guys being so formal?” Katie said like she overheard.

“We should stop.” Sharlene said. Daniel was taller than all of them.

“How was your day?” His eyes got bigger. Crazy.

“Did you have a good day?” Leaning forward with his back against the counter.

“I did have a good day.” Sharlene said. “Did you?” She put her hand up and when she realized this she snapped them across her face and into his.

“Mr. Sassy?”

“Mr. Sassy!” Some dude in a hat with lettuce coming out said.

These we’re the types of exchanges that went on inside. Loud but cold. All in the vain of attention seeking like some sort of competition or test of brilliance. Only that this time unlike in normal society, where everyone’s trying to get their point across as clear and concise as possible because focus is king over style, this time brilliance was a stage of show. And whoever could hold onto it the longest was most certainly king or queen and surely the apple of their eye. Their being the cult that was the inside.

The 5 of us ended up by an air conditioning unit. We were staring at the moon thinking about what do next because we were already exhausted. Not because we weren’t faded enough. It was quite the opposite. There was too much judgment. And that was as bad of a high you could get when you were on the other end of it. We were over it. We were desperately passing a blunt I’d been eager to light since I rolled it in the car.

“I needed this.” Jerry said.

“Yeah? Me too.” I looked at Katie. She’s the one I rolled it with earlier in the day when 4 different people we’re blowing up my phone asking if I was coming and telling me who I could bring or not.

“I don’t know it’s just like the vibe or something. Like something’s off.” Tom said.

Katie was mostly quiet and sipping the blunt with her cute little hands and was gravitating towards Miranda in a nonverbal display of boredom.

“We don’t need to talk about it.” Jerry said.

“We really don’t.” I agreed.

“Talk about what?” I’m just saying.” Thomas said after a pause.

“Yeah I know but I’m not about to go behind their backs and gossip like we’re not fuckin’ with it thats cool we can do our own shit.”

“So what are we gonna do?”

“Is there anything close?”

“You tryna go to waffle house?”

Katie and Miranda laughed. First Katie snorted then Miranda bent over and held her knees.

“What are y’all tryna do?”

“Uhh can we just get out of here?” Katie said towards the street.

“Yeah. Let’s walk.” I said.

You left your memories with me.

So you could live without you.

You left your past in the dark, and

it was something you did for the hell of it because life

was too easy for you.

"What's wrong?" I said.

"Leave with me." You said.

"Is something bothering you?" I said.

"No." You were always in the dark.

"Where?"

"I don't know. Anywhere but here."

"I can't tell if you're being serious." You threw a rock

down the train tracks, and pointed where I was looking.

"That way's North to Chattanooga." You turned around.

I leaned to the side as if I was peeking down a narrow

hallway.

"South to Miami. Hmm. It depends." You said rubbing your chin.

"It depends on you finding a girlfriend so you can get back to reality is what it depends on." I said.

I dont think a single car

drove by since we got here. Moving trucks could be seen on the overpass where the crossing signals were, but were inaudible. The only thing audible was the large-scale kithen across the street which would hiss occasionally over its constant hum. It also had steam coming out of it. We walked towards the red-light on stones half the size of our trainers and went to balancing on the rail half to avoid twisting our ankles and half to ammuse ourselves.

"I was gonna say it depends on what's better, a good ol' country bitch who'll cook you catfish till you cant eat no more, or a bad spanish mommy who may or may not be there for you when you really need it."

"Oh, si senorita Hot like tamales. Muy bueno.

Como te amos rapido rapido mucho Miami me gusto."

"Bro we're hopping trains not borders

you fucking wetback."

"Whoa, hold up ese, you're hopping trains, not me.

Besides, we'll be hopping on a lot more than trains

if we keep this up." I said.

"Trains not borders, puto."

"Man watch your mouth."

"Here comes one now."

ijijiijjiiji

We hid in the bushes. It seemed like the right thing to do.

Me fist then the girls and Jerry while Thomas was last in..

"We should of put a coin on their,:

*End graveyard party and go into chapter about family* BONES laden arrows

----

Just say its the spot and I’m there.

“Jerry just texted me.” I said to Thomas.

“What’d he say?”

“He’s bringing Erica.”

“Why was it even a question?” Thomas said. He was flipping his head back and forth at me. Zig-zagging from hinges to nails to glue guns and floor tiles, biding his time, sulking like i was gonna feel sorry for him.

“I don’t know man. I’m sure it had something to do with his roommates not being out.” I said.

“Well if his initial reaction was him being scared then what that tell you about what he think of us?”

“Nah. You’re thinking too far into it. He’s tryna get her to let him hit.”

So much was out of context. There was disharmony. I continued.

“Maybe there’s something about two dudes without girlfriends that isn’t exactly the most potent

“

Smoke stacks comply and hesitate partaking in sport. Indulging in an aptitude that continues to see how it feels when you say such simple words as “hello, and, thats cool.” That continues to touch a nonverbal membrane when you move in such a way that broke the color barrier between black and white. So I’ll appreciate you like all the others do. Because I, completely and utterly, should know to carry you with me into infinity. And I should know, for a fact, that distance is dependant on its terminal velocity at the moment of impact. Gorgeous you are when tulips gather around cow pastures only to wither away upon the changing of the guard. Tip toes, necromancy, ice skates, all these make sense to me now, that ever since the day of my christening, good beings struck witherto my intelligence and rendered them useless. These knots, the qualities of which we’re twisted, utterly finagled to a degree that crystallized under pressure. I feel like I was born so I could come into people’s live when they needed someone to blame their problems on. That’s why I always get those stupid looks. Sometimes I just wanna ask them like “what the fuck are you on?” I guess all those diamonds couldnt teleport you out of here huh? Too bad. I ain’t judgin’.

knotted in purpose.

Oh how I looked on in brevity the callus threads that stretched for miles upon miles into causeways of blindness which overtook me in haste. Very painstaken I was in the trials before then. But now I see the reason for them. For nothing could have felt better than to be relieved of all that built up stress which churned and churned until a mechanism of ventricles let go in common translation. Like ruminating gats and dust swipers caged so discreetly so as to fixate on unto sizzling barge-heads. Almost as if silly esquires of desperately manifold doldrums exist solely to highlight the difference of deceit and merry. the difference of you, a you, and I, an I.

“Man I need blankets.” Thomas said.

“Pillows too.” I said tracing the outer perimeter of Home Depot.

Them Carharrts nice too. Our eyes met at the rack.

“I bet you could fit a gun inside this.” Thomas said feeling the durability of a canvas hoodie in brown.

“No I don’t have a gun.”

“You should get one.”

“They got em here?”

We fell out of the portal.

____________

Vicious bar flies and scarcities falsify the other-half.

“It is settled” said Chief Wallitzer

“Then buy more plankton from the Chief” A creature said. Decrepit. Monsteral. Lectivicious. The creature continued.

“And as soon as I stray a lochness is when the fortifications manifest wholly and without contempt.” I must ignore him.

“What am I to do?” I said on the levy.

“Take a boat from the garter over thine gully there.” Said the Chief.

And I summoned a boat from his power.

“I’m crossing.” I said under my breathe. I said aloud.

“Bless you Chief! Aye. May good fortune amass in your possession!” Because realization finally hit me, that I was to join my comrades in battle, once and for all.

“Aye, and to not flee as well.” This was the last I ever heard of the Chief.

--------

Today I’m going to buy a car.

Anxiety is a MK Ultra Mind Control Tactic (designed to keep humans subordinate to the matrix) ((which is ran by the 10%))

(((who answer to archonic entities from the 4th dimension)))

Logical reasoning is when an internal problem is identified as separate from the self so that it may not be subject to the whims of ego, which is fleeting and irregular, and stems from an evolutionary need for man to keep desiring more and more mates to reproduce offspring with so that his tribe grows strong in number as opposed to getting complacent with having one or few mates, retiring from the world, and letting him and/or his offspring die without a big enough tribe to defend them from bigger tribes with more man-power. Humans have advanced beyond the need to reproduce. In fact, Over-population is an existential threat to the continuation of humans on Earth. Because of this there should be no desire to reproduce. However, there is still a desire to reproduce. This is because the consequences of over-population like famine, disease, and global warming have yet to be internalized by most humans. Once it does, there will be no desire to reproduce, and all remaining sub-strata will go too. These remaining sub-strata include love, greed, and status all begotten from the main desire of humans, which is to reproduce. The reason that is

The main desire of humans is that humans want to survive. If humans didn’t want to survive they’d be dead. If humans we’re dead they wouldn’t be living. And if humans weren’t living they wouldn’t exist. Additionally, If humans didn’t exist they’d be nothing. And If humans were nothing they wouldn’t be something. Finally, if humans wouldn’t be something, as in, they we’re in a state of denial towards the very notion of being something

with the very notion of that word and all the associations it comes with,

Finally, if humans wouldn’t be something, as in, they we’re in a state of denial towards being something,

knowing full-well the associations it comes with, then humans would be refusing their ego, which is fleeting and irregular.

Once this desire (to reproduce) is gone, then allser forms of this desire like

and not get his needs are met

be processed in an objective manner, and not subject to whims of ego

solutions can be formulated in an objective context, and the solutions necessary to overcoming that problem, may not be weighed against emotion, which is fleeting and irregular.

and it’s existential

consequences, both good and bad, can be weighed objectively against

solutions that are based in reality

The distinction between needs and desires is a matter of time. Needs are immediate. Desires are built up over time.

The distinction between needs and desires is, in fact, only a matter of time

Anxiety needs to be alleviated when there’s not enough time, but it should anxiety will be alleviated because their is time. .

^^^^^^^^^cap*********

*********************

Anxiety is when an internal problem needs to be alleviated. Its just that the actions required to alleviate said problem seem far off and distant. So much that you begin doubting your abilities as a measly human and turn to a god instead. When this god doesnt fix your problems your anxiety is compounded heavily. Because you have one more problem than you started with. If you couldnt hold a candle to your first problem, being as their solutions were so far out and demanded too much in a short amount of time, then now you got a doozy on your hands. All we can ask for is perfection, and hope we come up short.

********************

************

//All God can ask for is perfection. That’s why he doesn’t relate to us.// If you had a bag that led to another bag you wouldn’t keep the first bag cus it’d already be in the second one. These are the ancestors working behind the scenes.

then what makes you think

Our teachers taught us proper sentence structure in the third grade. A subject followed by a predicate. The subject is invoked and the predicate carries the burden like a hag witch carries it and thus justifying the subject so that it is not floating in space, susceptible to being bothered by minds whose job it is to question things that float in space for no other reason other than to not have a purpose, and stand as a monument against all these grammar nazis stand for. So viciously chaotic, free in its lightness, completely unencumbered by menial contrivances of formality, it seems, are these subjects without predicates stand unapologetically in the vast concourses of space as monuments against all they stand for. The problem is that words can only do so much when describing a subject. Whether it is a noun or pronoun, abstract or not, a person, place, thing, or idea, it could even be an interjection, the problem is words can only do so much for describing the essence of a thing, the unseen force which discerns certain vibrations as unalike from one another and neatly packages them into a frequency at which the brain can perceive.

certain things as unalike from one another and neatly packages them into a frequency that vibrates at a rate at which the human brain can process through its hypothalamus and perceive them as things in the 3rd dimension.

apart from the rest is limitless when not bound by words, which can only be deduced as a lesser form of magic.

Thomas and I see the same things. Ever since our childhoods we were never separated. And even if we we’re, or it appeared as if we we’re, we always had the same eyes. Not just the same view, but the same eyes. I don’t mean that these eyes were like detachable lenses, that could be passed around to and fro like a can on a string, I mean that we’ve had the same experiences, just in different forms. And if we ever shared a difference of opinion, which happened a lot, like with this Erica thing, I never had to worry about things getting heated. Because no matter what, I could always fall back on us letting things calm down for a while, alone in our rooms leaning into our cheeks trying not to think about it. until both of us realized we were coming.from the same place, and that where, and to what degree we took it to, was ultimately meaningless.

I must be going now. It’s getting late. What time is it? 2:30? Jesus. Fuck. That’s later than I thought. Already? Oh well. It’s not like I can do anything about it. Anyway. What I wanna talk about is how fucked up you look to me, and I don’t know if you see that. I mean, if you can see what I see. Dread, angst, all of mine and your miseries seem to have burdened you. I want you to know that I’m here. I’m a man. I can fix my own problems. Really. I can. I may not look it but I’m grown. You don’t have to worry about them. Here, look at this picture I took last year. It’s of you and me. Don’t we look so happy? Happy. Is that the right word? Or maybe we’re crumbing for our last breathe of smile in us. Fuck. I’m beginning to think that’s true the more and more I think about it. Because you we’re never happy. Neither was I. But that wasn’t the goal for us like it is for so many others. No. We just wanted to get by. And that’s all we could ever ask for.

--jgcjgcjgcjgcgjc

I wanted to keep this sacred so it’d come across a more genuine when the right person came across it. but now the urge is too strong and the resonance too concentrated for me to dismiss the trailblazing force of circular momentum. And its nice out too. The grass is still damp from yesterday’s rain but not so you couldn’t lie in it. That’s what I did today. That along with thinking. Moving on. I won’t talk about personal experience in this article. The truth is I’m not important. What matters is my guidance. So from now on take my “I’s” as placeholders for something greater. Make it what you want. A parakeet, a landing pad, veganism, law and order, anything. It could even be the universe itself with you and me included. Whatever it is just don’t miss the point that follows this inconspicuous “i” because there is no truth, only different paths to getting there.

The truth is I haven’t been out the house in a few years. Sure there were gaps in between like parties here and there. But even then I was inside myself, leaving people to wonder if I was as social as I looked. Sometimes I was normal, others I was a wallflower. Only rarely did I meet their expectations and become the center of attention. I still remember those moments because I’m preparing for the next time it happens so I can maintain a sense of self better so that I can let it go and channel what comes out of me more freely. Some call this going into the world. I call it getting out the house. Leaving the nest. All those times i was still at home within myself. I never left my shell. There’s no point when that shell is filled with angels.

Language can be tricky. It can be used for yin and yang. It can be used for contuation or stagnation when concerning the path of self and how one wants to judge said self through language so that it may have something ethereal to manifest from. Before I continue I must say that there is a self because any indication of there not being a self relies on the suppusition there there is a self. Perception plays a role too, as in, agreeing or not to accept the definitions of the words you lay on yourself as true or not. The pessimist sees the world as signs and symbols and interprets stimuli af a higher level then the optimist, who is often naieve to the hidden world where everything comes from. This is why pessimists are often dualists. To the optimist it appears they are one-sided because they take them at face-value. Again, they are unable to see the hidden world where everything comes from. Those who fly under the radar appear that way because they are in direct contact with this world so as to filter their thoughts before speaking them. This world is a place pessimists visit often within themselves and rarely show out of. They show out only in dire situations, and that makes their actions that much stronger because they have kept sacred the hidden world where everything comes from so that it is pure and cutting-edge when it comes time to release it upon the known world. Like an endless stream does their wrath come out of them because they’ve been holding it in so long.

Anytime you insert the I into a situation is when a princible of measurement can be applied to you as infinite potential to fail or succeed relative to the third party as the perfect amount of what you needed to be faced with.

with chakra wheels that exist so we can find ourselves in a better light.

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thepoeticwit · 6 years ago

Text

2018 Re-Solutions

Discussing new year resolutions with Stephanie Yap at IACT Christian Fellowship

On 14 January 2019, we had our ex-President now CF Advisor Stephanie Yap speak to us on new year resolutions, reflecting on the past year and anticipating what is to come for the new year. Last year in 2018, our theme for the year is on Gifts, with a vision to witness the fruit of the Spirit bear within everyone in CF and in every individual that comes to the house of the Lord; a mission to gather Christians to be the salt and light for God and His people through our worship, fellowship and discipleship. (1 Corinthians 12: 1-11; Ephesians 4: 1-16) Stephanie shared with us some of her resolutions, two of which were getting disciplined (waking up on time, sleeping on time, reading the Word more, being early) and getting focused (figuring out her niche, intentionally talk to people, work hard).

Our lives are pretty much like the Netflix show ‘Bandersnatch’ in which every choice we make has a consequence that shapes reality (though some choices won’t really matter or make that big a difference). 2019-- as with every new year-- is either a chance to start over or will be the same as every other year with no significant change. Stephanie then made a point, saying “2019 is a chance to start over, but it will be the same as every other year if it is anchored in the wrong person” We discussed our choices: do we anchor ourselves in Christ, or do we anchor ourselves in our self? As we discussed, we figured that it would be better to anchor ourselves in Christ rather in ourselves because we can only do so much on our own by our own strength whereas in Christ, we can do so much more by His abundant grace. Since we as human beings are limited and fall short of many things, we would end up relapsing back into defaults and would have everything just the same. So when the next year comes, we’d be wondering “will 2020 be a chance to start over, or just the same as every other year?”

In John 15:5, Jesus says, “I am the vine, you are the branches. If you remain in me, and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me, you can do nothing.” Similarly, in Psalms 16:2 it says, “I say to the LORD, ‘You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing.’” How important it is, then, should we be a part of Christ, to be anchored in Him so that we can bear fruit. There are reasons why we as Christians remain in Christ, and that is mainly because He abides with us. This is in contrast with what the world usually tells us, how we should be confident in our own selves and our own strength.

Because He Cares For You

So why be anchored in Christ? The first reason is because He cares for you. In Matthew 6:30-31, it is said, “...if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown in the fire tomorrow, He will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? So don’t worry about these things, saying ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will wear?’ These thoughts dominate the hearts of unbelievers, but your Heavenly Father already knows all your needs”. Coming to this point, Stephanie challenged us to ask ourselves what we have in common with unbelievers. It is this: worries. We, as human beings, tend to worry a lot. What is supposed to make us different as salt and light of the earth is that we trust in the Lord our God who provides for us, who knows our purpose, and who is our everything.

There was this one sentence in the verse that caught hold of Stephanie, which was: “Why do you have so little faith?” A lot of times we depend on experience when we are least aware of it. But take a look at King David. Should you observe his character, you would recognise that he had a gift in leadership. As a leader, you would tend to think-- based on experience-- that you would go with the formula that works best simply because you have been through it before. But what did David do? He went to God and consulted with Him each time before going out to battle. That in itself is astounding. Like, would you even consider going to God before starting on college assignments (not counting the very last minute ones or that which is past due, of course)? It would seem that a difficulty in this area of ours would imply that we do not have the practice of building our faith. So we should, by all means, go to God before any task be it in our assignments, our services to Him, or even in our interactions with our friends. All this, because he cares for us.

Because Everything Of This World Will Eventually Fade

We should be anchored in Christ because everything of this world will eventually fade. The world actually preaches that you should be great and that you should leave a mark on this world. It is actually not bad and it doesn’t really fall far from the Bible which tells us to do excellently and be a good example. However, the Bible also makes a stark contrast by saying, “Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.” (Matthew 6:19-21) This verse calls to mind a particular word of interest: disappointment. We easily get disappointed at a lot of things be it team mates, our grades, and generally get very disappointed in life (or with life).

We would think thoughts like, “Oh, I’m supposed to be in a Christian family, thus everything is supposed to be nice and orderly” or “This is supposed to be a church, everyone is supposed to be nice to each other” or “This is supposed to be CF, people shouldn’t be gossiping”. Truth be told, these are things on earth. Your system, the CF, our gatherings, and even the place that we gather in are all temporary. Don’t take this the wrong way: it’s not like we shouldn’t put our heart in it or give our all for these things. However, at the end of the day, you can do all things but your heart is not meant to be here. Setting your heart on earthly things would give cause to see everything crumble down, because that is just the nature of life here on earth-- temporary and fading away.

In Psalm 144:4, it says “Man is like a breath; his days are like a passing shadow”. Stephanie shared how she felt God spoke to her by this verse; it was like He is telling us that we tend to put our hope in human beings as well-- people who are gone, even. We should indeed look up to the legacy that Christians before us have left behind, reading up on them and their works, and being encouraged by them. Yet, everything has a potential to become an idol. When even the best of the saints become our idols, in the end, we realise that they can disappoint us too. Anchor yourself in Christ because He is the only person who does not and will not disappoint you! “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.” (Hebrews 13:8)

Because He Is The Giver Of Dreams

We should anchor ourselves in Christ because He is the giver of dreams therefore only He can see it to completion. For some of us (especially those of us who are IACT students) we would have immense amounts of opportunities before us and thus we have big dreams. Conversely, we can be on the opposite end seeing no opportunities at all and wonder, “what’s the point?” Stephanie shared how she was at this state, but felt God saying to her, “Dream bigger.” Then she replied, “But doesn’t that contradict Your lesson to me all these years not to put my identity in my dreams? Because Lord, You know the way You made me, that I will go all the way in full force and then I will be disappointed.” Then the Lord said to her, “You already have your answer right there: who do you put your trust in? The dream coming to pass, or Me coming through for you?”

If you have no idea where to start on your devotions, go look up the stories of Abraham, Joseph (in Genesis), King David, etc. These are some of the people who are people of faith who put their trust in God and see their dreams come true. Could you ever imagine that, in today’s time, God suddenly says to you “you will become a nation” meaning that you will be a race of your own? That was what it was like when God told Abraham the exact same thing, and imagine how Abraham would have felt as a human being who did not really know God’s will at large at the time. Yet, still he trusted in the Lord. David was given the call to be king of Israel when he was just a very young teenager and didn’t become king until he was around 30 years old.

Like David, some of us may have had prophetic words/words of knowledge spoken over us, over the years even, in church or other about what our futures may be like. Don’t let those dreams die yet. We should be like Mary, Jesus’ mother, and keep these things in our heart. Mary didn’t see how Jesus was the Saviour of nations although she had bore witness to Jesus’ life, ministry, sacrifice, resurrection, and the ministry of the church after these things in her own lifetime (not to say that she didn’t, she probably did). Yet, on the grander scheme of things, she wouldn’t be able to see past her own timeline to see Christ’s work on earth after her own time. It is the same with us. God works in our life not just for our timeline but for a bigger timeline. He wants to work in your timeline for sure, but trust that you are a part of something that is much bigger. So when you walk in God’s will, you are actually part of something much bigger than yourself.

2019 Resolutions: How do we be anchored in Christ?

So that’s that. We are anchored in Christ for those three reasons: because He cares for us, because everything in this world will eventually fade, and because He alone is the giver of dreams and thus the only one who can bring those dreams to completion. Now comes the next question: How do we become more anchored in Christ? We anchor ourselves in Christ by trusting God and not the dreams or works; identifying with Him, not the world; knowing Him above ourselves; and having fellowship often with one another.

Trust God, not the works or the dreams.

In Psalm 37:5 it says, “Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do it.” The thing about this verse is how it says that He will do it. Not you, but He. We may place a lot of emphasis on how we are doing, on what our hands can do, and when we fail, we condemn ourselves. Of course we need to do well and strive for excellence what more even now as students because how well we are doing in whatever that is entrusted to us is an indicator of our walk with Christ. People will be looking at us, watching us. So it is indeed important to do well in what we are doing as a testimony. But keep in mind that all of this is only possible because God enables it to be. “Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labour in vain; unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.” (Psalms 127:1) So while we work hard, we need to commit our way to the Lord lest it be in vain.

Identify with Him, not with the world.

We live in a world, in such a time as this where there are a lot of “isms” (feminism, veganism, minimalism, atheism, capitalism, communism, etc.). In a world with a variety of worldviews and philosophies, our sole truth and guiding principle as Christians is the Word of God. In Romans 12:2 it says, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is-- His good, pleasing and perfect will.” The first imperative in this verse is a “don’t”: Don’t be conformed to the world’s patterns. But then it is also followed by an imperative to “do”: Be transformed by the renewing of your mind. The way to not conform to the pattern of this world is to actively transform your mind by reading the Word of God.

Not only do we renew our minds when we read the Word of God, but we will be able to test and approve what God’s will is. Let’s take a look at the word “Test”. We look into the Word of God to seek affirmation (to test ourselves) on whether or not what we are doing is right, whether we are moving in the right direction as a CF, whether we are on the right track even as future leaders, or just as Christians. Now let’s take a look at the word “Approve”. What do we approve of in today’s day and age? It can be simple things like “I approve of this colour” or “I like your dressing today, I approve it” or “I agree with you”. Come to think about it, we can’t approve or agree with something if we don’t love it. It’s the same with God and His good, pleasing, and perfect will. We must come to love God and His word so much that we will approve of these things so much that we would even want to transform ourselves in the renewing of our minds!

Know God, above yourself.

The first line of Psalm 46:10 says “Be still and know that I am God...”. There is this saying that some would say: “I wanna find myself this year”. But what does that really mean? What does it really mean to find oneself? Because really, to find oneself would entail searching inward which would be disappointing enough should the person not have Christ. In and of ourselves, we lack, and all that we have are only superficial things. Thus, in the end, all that we have within ourselves is emptiness. Even the best of things on earth do not compare to the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus. (Philippians 3:8) We should be seeking God instead.

What would it then mean to be still and know that He is God? Probably because that is all we ever need to know and the starting point in which we come to know (more of) who God is. To know that God is good takes experience of God’s goodness in one’s life. To know that God is provider also takes experience of His providence in one’s life (and so it goes with other attributes of God, like Him being Healer, or Father). Knowing that He is God is the start, because when we acknowledge that He is God, we acknowledge that He is in control (and we worship a God who is in control. If He is not in control, then He’d rather not be God at all!) Too often we get ourselves caught up in the illusion that we are in control of our own lives when in reality, we do not have everything in our control at all. So we ought to get ourselves out of that illusion and see for ourselves that He is God, and we are not.

Fellowship often.

Fellowship often with one another. We, as Christians are members of Christ’s body. So we ought to commune together with one another as we do with God. Stephanie left us with a word from Ephesians 3:14-21 that says, “I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”

How we are able to know this deep, wide, long and wide love of Christ that surpasses knowledge is to fellowship with Christ, that is also to fellowship with those who are members in His body. “Let us not neglect our meeting together, as some have made a habit, but let us encourage one another, and all the more as you see the Day approaching” (Hebrews 10:25) Not only this, but there are more places in Scripture in regards to us being the body of Christ. (Romans 12:5; 1 Corinthians 12:12–27; Ephesians 3:6 and 5:23; Colossians 1:18 and Colossians 1:24.) Also consider how in our loving one another we make manifest our love for God and His love in us as well. (John 13:34-35; 1 John 4:19-21).

Recap.

With each new year, as well as every new moment, it is always an opportunity for new beginnings. However, should we lose our focus and anchor ourselves in the wrong person, it could end up just the same as usual with no difference. We should anchor ourselves in Christ because He cares for us, because everything in this world will eventually fade but He remains the same, and because He is the giver of dreams therefore only He can bring them to completion all for His glory.

We become anchored in Christ when we trust in God and not in the works and dreams, when we identify with Him and not with the world, when we are still and know that He is God who is in control, and when we fellowship with one another in the love of Christ making manifest even greater the immensities of his everlasting steadfast love.

Should we anchor ourselves in Christ, we will be able to grow and bear much fruit, for apart from Him we truly cannot do a single thing.

(Scriptures cited and referenced from various versions of the Holy Bible)

#christian #Jesus Christ #iactchristianfellowship #christian fellowship #religion #faith #new year resolution #Train of Thought #thepoeticwit #christianity #devotion #devotional

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tumblunni · 8 years ago

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aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa tfw u have another game idea AGAIN i think my brain hollowed itself out for more idea space at the expense of everything else like ability to actually create my ideas or ability to remember to eat :P

this kinda isnt a NEW idea, its just something floating around in my brain that ive now got more of a concrete idea for, i guess? playing Oxygen Not Included reminded me of it and made me feel maybe people would actually be interested in it, yknow? and its probably not something i could ACTUALLY make, cos it’d require like.. a lot of my own programming. not really easy to just make in a helpful gamemaker enginey thing like rpgmaker. tho it is an rpg... kinda...?? ehhhh im not feeling very good today, sorry my writing is... bad

ANYWAY WHAT WAS I SAYING

Well the idea I has was for kind of a roguelike tower climbing rpg, like Azure Dreams or Persona 3 The premise would be that there’s a mysterious underground civilization, trapped for generations with no memory of the surface world. Between them and sunlight is this potentially-infinate magical labyrinth that nobody has managed to make it through. (At least as far as anyone knows. Everyone wants to believe that friends who dissappeared in the labyrinth actually made it to the other side, rather than.. well.. the other side.) So the game would be about tackling this labyrinth in multiple short sessions. My favourite genre: roguelikes that actually have some form of progression in them! Even though you’re dying a lot, you retain a small amount of what you gathered each time in the form of townbuilding progressyness and ~friendship routes~ and ~ETCETERA~!

But then after playing Oxygen Not Included I kinda have a burning desire to see a game that has the good bits of that and not the... Frustration. To say its a roguelike without progression is understating it, gahhhhhhhhhh! Roguelike sim game of 8 hour game sessions that get destroyed cos of one stupid mistake and you have to be all perfect and lucky and YOURE ALWAYS STARVING and gahhhhhhhhh THIS IS MEANT TO BE MY GAME IDEA NOT VENTING ABOUT THAT GAME Anyway I was thinking how it’d be really cool if a game like that actually DID have a sense of progression. And an actual end goal. Like.. if you were actually digging towards the surface! With periodic savepoints and characters that dont die so easily and have more personality to them and you get all attatched! I already got all attatched to my dumb sim characters and then just got really upset how they kept dying and the game seemed to not give a shit :P

But yeah its not like I can just completely copy that game, lol. Even if I wanted to, I dunno how to program a simulation type engine thing from scratch! So i was thinking like.. a regular roguelike randomized dungeon generator actually IS possible in Rpgmaker, so I dunno.. I could find a way to make that work with some kind of ‘you are actually creating the dungeon’ type thing. i really like the idea of being able to dig your own path through the thing and have it permenantly etched there forever. I was thinking it could be an awesome idea if in the postgame you could come back to the now-empty labyrinth after everyone’s escaped to the surface, and be able to walk through it and have a big ol nostalgia trip. One that’d be unique to every player! And like.. maybe even be able to see changes, like it being reclaimed by nature and flowers? And you could upload a dungeon seed for your own personal dungeon, so that other players could play it, and that could be the postgame replay value~!

game name ideas i guess Catacomb Crawl Boundless Down

and I was thinking the protagonists could be two kids and be a grumpy older sibling who’s a jerk to their well-meaning-but-immature lil sib, but loves them deep down, and has to learn a lesson about becoming a more responsible sib, and etc like.. yeah.. basically inspired by over the garden wall i didnt really like that show, and i felt bad about it cos everyone was telling me it was a masterpiece. alas! :P aaanyhoo they’re not very developed yet, except older sib being a bit of a comical greedy coward type of person and lil sib actually being quite wise but always underestimated. Like, they have more common sense than their big sib even though they are a lil naive sometimes cos theyre so optimistic. Both sibs get each other into trouble pretty often, but they balance out perfectly to save each other each time! And lil sib is kind of a pushover who just obeys big sib unquestionably and can never stick up for themself when big sib is being all ‘ugh ur so immature im totally better'. They’re just like... the sort of person who’s so scared of their friends leaving them that they let anyone hurt them as much as they want as long as they stay. Very relateable to Bunni! Also they sorta try and pretend to be the dumb sidekick and class clown. Cos again theyre worried if they disagree or try and stand out too much then their sibling will hate them. Quite often their ‘dumb mistakes’ are actually the older sib’s fault, and they’re stuck like ‘AAAA I CANT TELL THEM TO STOP COS ITD BE OUT OF CHARACTER. I NEED TO BE THE CUTE BABY.’ And its all super complicated cos older sib acts like they resent them for never growing up too, its like.. cant ever win. This whole thing has kinda turned them into an anxious mess deep down. part of big sib’s whole redemption arc would involve them having to realise that their actions arent harmless, and treating such a young child this way actually has a permenant effect. And like... big sib doesnt know how to take care of little sib on their own because they’re immature themself! Being able to admit that instead of trying so hard to be all fake ultra mature and infallible, thats another big character arc. As well as aknowledging that lil sib is indeed growing up and becoming someone intelligent and independant. And realizing that the reason they keep putting them down is so they can try and deny that, and the reason they’re denying it because theyre JEALOUS! Jealous that little sib might have their emotions more alltogether than them, scared that their emotionless facade of perfect big sibness will be broken, and scared that without that they’ll have nothing left. Need to become more comfortable with trusting and relying on your lil sib, need to actually talk to them about this stuff, yo! Ideally I’m gonna try and write it in a way that doesnt make big sib seem like a completely hateable villain. Their backstory is gonna involve being from not exactly the nicest family, and both struggling to escape what they’ve been shaped into. And trying to learn how to take care of each other as a real family, when they have no real frame of reference for what real love looks like. And also climbing a bigass tower to save humanity from being entombed underground, but that’s comparatively easy, lol! But yeah the idea is that big sib kinda absorbed more of their bad parents’s ideals, and like... they love their sibling so utterly and deeply because they just did not know what family love felt like until they came along. And it really REALLY hurts them whenever they realise they’ve been subconciously being neglectful or hateful towards the lil fella, but theyre so distracted by like.. the greed of being free now. And doing anything and everything, drunk on that freedom! And not really being capable yet of caring about other people when they havent even learned how to care about themself. They keep being all decadent and delinquent and it seems like theyre egotistical but still deep down they HATE themself and this is all just like a ‘fake it til you make it’. And its so easy to get caught up and go too far to try and put on this facade, and they feel they cant really vent their real feelings to anyone. Cos they’re super cynical dont trust anyone except sibling loyalty like. Only way to survive! And like... cant talk about it with the sib either, because little kid wouldnt understand, and if they do then that means theyre not little anymore. They dont wanna ruin lil sib’s childish innocence cos like.. that innocence is their only reason to live. Innocent stupid bastion of family love, came into their life and gave them the courage to deal with those shitty parents gahhh! And part of them ‘knows’ that the only way to love anyone is to be deluded and innocent. You have to be too stupid to realise that the world is awful and everyone sucks and loving people just gets you hurt! And big sib is toooootally smart cos they know that life is meaningless. But they’re entertained by seeing a stupid person stupidly believe in optimism. Totally. Thats the only reason they wanna protect that innocence. Totally. sooooo basically imagine a very mentally ill mess of a preteen that’s curled up in the corner crying perpetually within their own mind, while on the outside they’re all HA HA I’M AMAZING, BITCHES And also imagine that bunni is able to write good enough to explain these damn characters aaaa im very tired im sorry

anyway summary: protagonist is a jerk, Character Development: The Game, you will cry for little sib whom is basically like penny from inspector gadget also I was thinking maybe this could be the one and only time I do the Amnesiac Protagonist Cliche Setup. eeeexcept not really?? well i mean I think it’d work cool if these characters were new to this setting, but I wouldnt actually do 100% amnesia thing I was thinking more like... they are the only two people who came from the outside world. And they just can’t remember how they got here, they wake up trapped in this place and everyone thinks theyre crazy for talking about being from somewhere aboveground. So you have an even more desperate motivation to escape compared to everyone else! I mean of course everyone wants to return to the surface, but its been so long that no-one remembers what it’s like, and so many attempts have failed that they’ve all given up. So you can act like a beacon of hope and lead the people even though you’re just a child. Like, this is about a morally bankrupt trash protagonist being dragged kicking and screaming into heroism, lol And of course we can have some good ‘ol mystery amnesia reveal type plot thingies! But without having to have a protagonist who’s COMPLETELY clueless, and a game beginning with no direction whatsoever. Its more like a ‘trapped in another world’ story except its the same world just a few thousand miles underground, lol. And revealing how exactly they got there and what they’ve forgotten is gonna be a plot, yes, but also there’s the bigger mystery of what on earth this doom labyrinth is and what caused these poor people to be trapped in it! And what they’ll even find when they finally reach the surface again, will it really be the sort of paradise they’re all hoping for? also many tears for sad dysfunctional tiny family of awkward childrens, ye also (hopefully) fun dungeon gameplays

so yeah bunni is tired and delirious and rambling Thoughts at you dunno if anyone was interested in any of this, but there you go!

#labyrinth sibs game

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apsbicepstraining · 7 years ago

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The billion-dollar palaces of Apple, Facebook and Google

How the tech giants are employing top designers to improve splendid represents of their gargantuan global power

We know by now that the internet is a monster playpen, a scenery of dolls, distractions and instant gratification, of chirps and squeals and bright, shiny stuffs plus, rest assured, ugly, horrid beasties lurking in all the softness apparently without horizon. Graphics rounded areas, lower action, Googles primary colours, Twitters birdie, Facebooks colours of blue-blooded enhance the innocence and infantilism. It is a macrocosm, as Jonathan Franzen formerly said, so responsive to our desire as to be, effectively, a merely expansion of the self. Until we chance on the bars of the playpen and find that there are situates we cant go and that it is in the talent of the grown-ups on the other side to create or move the limitations of our freedom.

Were talk about of virtual infinite. But those grown-ups, the tech monsters, Apple, Facebook, Google and the rest, are also in the business of improving physical billion-dollar districts for their millions of hires. Here extremely they make calibrated districts of fun, wherein staff offer “peoples lives”, body and soul, day and night, in exchange for gyms, Olympic-sized swimming pools, clambering walls, basketball courts, running tracks and hiking lines, indoor football tars, rub areas and hanging plots, achievement venues, agreeable art and adorable graphics. They have been doing this for a while what is changing is the sheer scale and extravagance of these places.

For the tech whales are now in the same position as great powers in the past the bankers of the Italian Renaissance, the skyscraper-builders of the 20 th century, the Emperor Augustus, Victorian railway companies whereby, whether they want to or not, their size and opulence express their opinions in breathtaking architecture. As Deyan Sudjic, formerly of this parish and now administrator of the Design Museum, wrote in his journal The Edifice Complex , its implementation of building has always been at the discretion of those with their hands on the bars of ability. Having as much sense of their own usefulnes as those previous supremacies, tech firms probably dont recollection commissioning formations that define their time.

The construction of Apple Park in California

A clue to their passions lies in their choice of architects, who are at the extremely to particularly far-famed cease of the professional range. They have, clearly, massive assets, with the ability to do almost anything they like. They can have brand-new information developed, or make old-fashioned ones act as never before. They can construct the biggest and most expensive workplaces hitherto interpreted. They can change cities. They have already redefined building in the sense that the word been in a position to refer to the structures of software and hardware. Now the old-fashioned form of architecture feels itself an adjunct of the new sort. One clue of the shifted balance of power is the fact that Apple, having commissioned the mighty Foster and Spouse to design its new HQ, have chosen not mention them even after they had unveiled the plans. The campaign is still not on the Foster website. The Apple brand had to come first.

Most though not all of these new organizes are in the convene of towns, suburbiums and small cities that goes by the refer of Silicon Valley. There is the Foster project, Apple Park in Cupertino, 2.8 m sq ft in length and reportedly expenditure$ 5bn, at its centre a mile in circumference, visible from room, a metal and glass circle that are currently almost complete. There are the planned Google headquarters in Mountain View and London by the high-ego, high-reputation pairing of Bjarke Ingels and Thomas Heatherwick. Facebook has hired the New York office of OMA, these best practices founded by Rem Koolhaas, to add to the Frank Gehry-designed complex in Menlo Park that was completed in 2015.

The one that dominates increased attention, and has done since the specific characteristics were unveiled in 2011, is the Apple/ Foster circle, built on a place vacated by the waning empire of Hewlett Packard, which as it happens was the company that presented the teenage Steve Jobs his first infringe. According to Wired magazine, the building preoccupied Jobs in his last months, and he would waste his treasured time on five- or six-hour sessions on its motif. In June 2011, visibly ailing, he appeared in person in front of a starstruck Cupertino city council, with members of the audience snapping him with what now look like Jurassic cameras, to convince them of its merits. He didnt have to try too hard.

The accomplished Apple Park in Cupertino, California, which opened in April 2017. Photograph: Alamy

Weve had some enormous architects to work with, he said, some of the best in the world I recall, and weve come up with a blueprint that gives 12,000 beings in one construct. The gathering gasped. Hed construed place commons with lots of constructs but they get birthing pretty rapidly. So he proposed, acquainting a analogy that has since protruded to the design like dust to a MacBook screen, something a little like a spaceship property with a exquisite courtyard in the middle. Its a circle and so its bowed all the way round, he said, which as you know if you build occasions is not the cheapest lane to build something. Theres not a straight bit of glass on this building. At the same season the meridian would never transcend four storeys we want the whole place human-scale. There would be 6,000 trees on the 150 -acre site, selected with the help of a elderly arborist from Stanford whos very good with indigenous trees around this area.

When a council member said that the word splendid is an understatement, Jobs didnt demur. I think we do have a shot at building the best office building in the world, he said. I genuinely do think that structure students will come here to see this, I think it could be that good. He batted away mild is asking for a few benefits for the vicinity free wifi, opening an Apple store, mitigating the increase in transaction and in the nicest possible method reminds me of “thats been” the largest taxpayer in Cupertino, so wed like to continue to stay here and pay taxes. If the city asked for too much, in other words, Apple would decamp to a competitive municipality.

The mayor waved an iPad 2( which too gazes Jurassic now) and said how much his daughter loved it. Your technologies genuinely do everybody proud, said another council member. Well thanks, said Jobs, were proud to be in Cupertino very. Thanks, she sounded back, like a giddy teenager. In due direction the project was approved.

Jobs was in fact downplaying the curves exceptionalness. Lately Steven Levy, a reporter for Wired , was let through Apples PR palisades to look inside the nearly-finished house. He described a high-precision Xanadu, a feel-good Spectre basi, on which Lord Foster and his crew were assisted by Apples famed premier design officer also, as it happens, British-born Sir Jonathan Ive. After a drive down a pristine 755 -foot long tunnel, invest in specifically designed and patented tiles, he detected a world-wide of whiteness, greenery and silver, with a 100,000 sq ft fitness centre and a cafe that can act 4,000 at once, with the 1,000 -seat Steve Jobs theatre, surmounted by a 165 ft-wide glass cylinder, for Apples far-famed produce openings, and with a scenery designed to mimic a national park.

It is a place where trees have been transplanted from the Mojave desert, where the aluminium door-handles have been through multiple prototypes to achieve their perfect organize, where the stairs use fire-control systems acquired from ships, where the extended glass has been specifically considered to achieve precisely the desired degree of transparency and whiteness, where even a new various kinds of pizza casket that stops the contents going soggy has been invented and patented for the company coffeehouse. The doorways have perfectly flat thresholds because, according to a creation administrator reported by Reuters, if architects had to adjust their gait when penetrating the building, they gambled distraction from their work.

In life Jobs was pitiless about the detail; since his death his admirers have striven to be true to his atmosphere. He specified how the beam wall-linings should be cut and at what time of year, to minimise its exhaust material. There is a yoga room, reports Levy, that is covered in stone, from merely the right excavate in Kansas, thats been carefully distressed, like a duo of jeans, to make it definitely sounds like the stone at Jobss favourite inn in Yosemite. There are the sliding glass doorways to the cafe, four storeys or 85 paws high, each weighing 440,000 lbs practically 200 tonnes, that open and close with the help of near-noiseless underground mechanisms. Apple Park uses the largest, heaviest single pieces of glass ever installed on a structure, with the added complication of being curved.

It is certainly a think of our age, though to what end is an open question. Jonathan Ive told Wired that the main aims were the connection and collaboration it would allow between hires. For Foster it is a beautiful object descended on this verdant, comfortable landscape a true utopian vision. One of its objects is to inspire future Apple works with its perfection and attention to item, to give high standards for them to follow in their work. Tim Cook, Apples CEO, called it a 100 -year decision.

Ever since the design was unveiled, however, it has precipitated scepticism. The architecture critic of the LA Times called it a retrograded cocoon, doggedly old-fashioned. As a perfect and omitting bit of modernist geometry, defined within luxuriant set and is dependant on large amounts of car parking, it ogles strangely like a corporate HQ of the 1950 s or 60 s, something that IBM or Bell Labs might have improved,which you would have speculated is precisely the looking Apple wouldnt want. And a curve is a frozen species, hard to modify or augment. At any given point in time, the relationship to the rest is much the same as at any other item, which seems to work against Ives hopes for communications and spontaneity. It is the shape of infinity and eternity, of mausoleums and temples.

Facebook HQs rooftop common designed by Frank Gehry. Picture: Oliver Wainwright for the Guardian

Many of the greatest fabrications in modern technology have been realized in rough and ready, easy-to-adapt infinites in the garages, front room and acquired role tables where Apple, Google and others were hatched and in Building 20, the large-scale wooden molted at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology where significant advance were drawn in linguistics, nuclear science, acoustics and computing, to call but a few. And while its hopeless for a company the size of Apple to recreate that exact atmosphere in its workplace, the big circle does look over-determined and more complete, as well as expensive and slow to construct. Promotes knockout and utopia are not able to induce the best medium for fast-moving invention. As for Cooks 100 -year ambition, this seems strange and hubristic as the decline of Hewlett Packard demoes, there is little reason to think that any tech corporation can last that long, in which lawsuit the Apple circle will, like the crumbling skill deco skyscrapers of Detroit, be splendidly redundant.

There is another line of analysi, which is that those terrified and tax-hungry members of Cupertino city council didnt push hard enough for the help that their community involves. If the fact that there is Apple is chiefly an immense boon for them it also brings push on dwelling and transportation, creating traffic jam and long travels and pushing the median cost of a home in Cupertino to nearly$ 2m. The layout novelist Allison Arieff recently bickered in the New York Times that the proposed project pictures a flagrant disregard is not simply for the citizens of Cupertino but too for the functionality of the states of the region. It should, she says, have seen more great efforts to is attached to public transport and the city should try harder to address the home necessitate that Apples attendance generates.

It doesnt often pay to bet against Apples judgment, and there may be intelligence in development projects that is not visible in the existing information. The companionship asset and supremacy may in any case be enough to counteract any unhelpfulness in its building, but Apple Park looks like the sort of splendid tombstone that empires construct for themselves Lutyenss houses for the British Raj in Delhi, the skyscrapers that moved up on the cusp of the Wall Street crash after they have elapsed their predominance. It may also be governed by excess if intelligible respect for Jobs. It is a place imbued with his account and his reveries. They call it Steves gift. It had better not be Steves millstone.

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and architect Frank Gehry discuss representations of Facebooks Menlo Park campus. Image: Facebook/ AFP

It is, at all events, the project against which other tech business suggestions want to define themselves. They want to be the things that it is not. The official narrative of the Facebook/ Gehry collaboration is that Mark Zuckerberg was cautious of the inventors luminary and the latter had to convince him of his ability to deliver the project with the assistance of Gehrys in-house software more cheaply and effectively than his adversaries. The finished form is from the rough-edged and rumpus-room institutions of tech HQ design, with a huge open-plan office containing 2,800 workers and splashy, colorful operates by local artists. The building itself is pretty simple and isnt imagination. Thats on purpose, said Zuckerberg. We require our space to feel like a work in progress. When you penetrate our constructs, we want you to feel how much left there is to be done in our mission to connect the world.

Shohei Shigematsu, project partners at OMA New York in charge of Facebooks recent swelling, Willow Campus, is indicated that our operation was not to provide iconic architecture but also regional and social suppose. He and his buyer, he says, want to integrate with community and support parish amenity, to support the things that the community urgently misses a convenience store, open space, 1,500 dwellings of which 15% will be offered at below marketplace hires, a hotel, greenways, residential gaits, shopping streets. Facebook is the perfect company, Shigematsu also says, their assignment is to connect beings, and network is a word the hell is virtual but too physical. So he wants to apply that mission to urban desires for connectivity in the Bay Area.

He wants to re-activate a disused railing passageway at the leading edge of the locate as a cycling way, a pedestrian roadway and a possible line for a Facebook shuttle that can also be used by the public. He wants to undo the corporate fortress-like approaching, although he acknowledges that a immense fellowship will always have secrets and that is something that of the national territory will be out of bounds to members of the public. The imagery written so far reveals generically pleasant ballparks and streets, of the nature that well-mannered urbanists ought to have generating for more than three decades, with nothing of the provocation, astonish and signature perversion that you often get with OMA activities. Shigematsu says he is happy to accept any particular level of cliche in the form it is the large-scale thinking that matters to him.

Google miss something else again. Theyre emphatically not afraid of icons. After weighing many architects Zaha Hadid, for example they shotgunned Heatherwick and Bjarke Ingelss practice, BIG, into a marriage. Its a striking sentiment, like a billionaire hiring Miley Cyrus and Britney Spears to perform at his sprogs 18 th birthday. Heatherwick and Ingels are among the younger drafts to the grades of iconists, unabashed entertainers, purveyors of WTF spectaculars untrammelled by the academic scruples of older designers. One of the two might be considered ample for any one assignment, but then organizations like Google dont play by normal rules when it comes to hiring designers, or surely much else.

BIG and Heatherwicks design for Googles brand-new London headquarters in Kings Cross. Picture: HayesDavidson

At Mountain View, where permission was lately granted to proceed, a huge roof is proposed, both mountainous and tent-like, with upward-curving openings smile-shaped clerestories for deeming the sky. Beneath its capacious shelter, on a promoted open deck, hundreds if not thousands of Googlers will be doing their trash. The next tier down a publicly accessible roadway leads through, part of a programme of employing with these communities that also includes a public plaza for group tai chi and whatever. It is framed by oval oak thickets.

If Apple Park seems aloof and extraterrestrial despite the fact that a lot of its landscape is open to the public then Facebook and Google require you to know how much, like street jugglers or mime artists, they want to engage you. But there are currently similarities between all these projects, such as the all-embracing quality of their passions. Each campus is a self-contained universe where everything the species of botany, the graphics, the food in the coffeehouse, the programming of incidents, the structure, is determined by the management. They make their own weather.

Under the Google tent or inside the Apple circle there is little but googleness or appleness. There is quality but despite the meticulous selection of native floras it is of an abstract, finagled kind. There is art, but it is drained of the authority to offend and subvert, leaving alone recreation and reassurance. There is architecture but , notwithstanding the high degree of invention that goes into cloths, it procures it hard to shed the quality of computer supplies, the sense that buildings are made of a kind of digistuff, which could as well be one thing or the other. Even when the corporations reach out to their communities, to use the preferred PR terminology, the countries of the world is a hazy, ill-defined entity, a mist in the background of the computer-generated images.

These panoptical worlds are in accordance of the sheer magnitude of “owners corporations”, but they also show their mindset. It has been pointed out that tech campuses resemble hippie communes of the 1960 s in their obvious egalitarianism, their illusion that you can go back to quality, draw your own principles, liberate yourself with scientific and share everything. Physically, Googles large-scale ceiling echoes the geodesic domes that hippies put up in their rural retreats.

While their sci-fi is strangely dated, culturally it represents gumption. As the author Fred Turner has argued in From Counterculture to Cyberculture , radical Californian ideas of the 1960 s were, with added revenue inducement, converted into radical Californian technologies of recent decades. And as has been belatedly dawning, there are limits to the sharing, equality and impunity, especially when the intellectual property and business strategies of the tech monstrous are at post. Their building makes form to these negations, to the combinations of openness and control and of freedom and hindrances. They are perfect sketches of the obvious equality and actual inequality of the tech sphere, where impermeable septa partition those in the inner circles from the remainder. There is inequality everywhere, of course, but the tech manoeuvre is to claim that there isnt.

The Amazon Spheres, added to the Amazon campus in downtown Seattle, are Eden Project-style biodomes. Image: AP

Sometimes tech HQs find themselves in the middle of big cities, rather than the compliant sprawl of Silicon Valley, which causes them to modify but not abandon their hippie-commune mentality. Amazon has chosen to situate itself in downtown Seattle, where it is believed to occupy 15 -2 0% of the available role opening, which allows it to boast that 20% of its 25,000 hires go to undertaking. To its moderately anodyne assembly of its term of office pulley-blocks it has just added the Spheres, an urban Eden Project of interlocking foams, where its employees will wander, in Costa Rican temperatures, among tropical groves and waterfalls.

At Kings Cross in London pressure of space has obliged the stacking-up of Googles campus into an 11 -storey, one-million-square-foot structure as long as the Shard is towering. Here the fun and games of the inside a prom that ascends past cafe and fantastic plays facilities to a rooftop scenery of headland, battlefields, plot and plateau are constricted into an exterior that takes its cue from the moderately po-faced regularity of its term of office cubes around it, and from the recurring rows of the rail ways down one surface. These tempi then get jiggered, as if the internal power cant be contained any longer.

The proposed house is one of the more convincing architectural layouts so far by either BIG or Heatherwick, in which the encounter of campus and metropolis produces tighten and friction, pushing and plucking, activity and reaction. It is also a decided organization, unafraid of its proportion, amid the more indecisive pulley-blocks around, which is something the sphere necessitates. But it is still inward-looking, offering a conventional role entering plus an display of retail groups to the street. If the same can be said of other place builds nearby, one could have hoped that the strength of Google could have achieved more.

When Microsoft was in its solemnity it was happy to occupy a bland scattering of low-grade constructs on the edge of Seattle. It still does. Its also impressing that for all its notoriety Silicon Valley becomes little mark on the visual consciousness “of the worlds” theres not a strong feel of what it actually consider this to be. Until now it has lacked landmarks. But that is something that superpower and that much fund will not always be happy to be unobtrusive. We are only just beginning to see the ways in which it can change the landscape of cities.

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somedaypast-thesunset · 8 years ago

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im really tired of this drama for the sake of drama scenarios that keep coming up. like theyre completely avoidable but people choose really selfish and self centered ways of doing things and then dont even take into account the amount of people it affects. our friend was late for fishing so he left without him but didnt bother to say anything about it and just left while our friend was in transit. i mean, theyre both pretty rude. hes rude for being late, hes rude for leaving without notice. but no one cares that at 5am, our friend showed up at my house and then slept in my bed for the next 5 hours before deciding to head over to his friends house for a bbq. no one cares how that inconvinienced my day. no one cares that i didnt want to do that, or have our friend over at 5am but i'm not that selfish. i'm not soo self centered that i would turn away our friend at 5am when he's upset. it's not the right thing to do, so of course i invited him in. but he had no desire to listen to any of my problems. i couldnt talk to him about any of my plans or desires. the next day i asked our friend to come over so i could grab and he did but he had hit his car in a parking lot and wanted zip ties to secure something. i tried to help but he was downstairs and didnt want to get up and find zip ties for our friend. so our friend took it upon himself to go downstairs himself where he was promptly yelled at for bothering him. today our friend called me five times from 8am and when i finally answered he just wanted to chat about how he wasnt mad anymore and wanted to be a limo driver and other such nonsense. i thought about how many times the calls interrupted my day, created anxiety for me, made me think i was being a shitty friend for not answering. even once i did answer he called back later when i was trying to sleep! i sent a simple text to him saying our friend was no longer mad and wanted to be a limo driver now. this was more just commentary on something that happened in my day. at the end of the day i recieve a long message telling me how he doesnt need to be reminded of this annoyance and is trying to distance himself from other ppls bullshit and if im not getting in the middle of it then why am i saying anything. i felt caught off guard - mostly because i didnt do anything. all i did was comment on something in my own day and now he was triggered to the point of attempting to take it out on me. i told him it was a joke and meant to be a joke and i had no idea he was still annoyed and that he should speak up so i dont invite people to his house because i dont care whether or not hes friends with anyone, quite frankly. but dont trap me into scenarios which cause drama and upheaval because i made a single comment about someone and you failed to mention that you dont even like this person. then he replies that its "his fault" and he just doesnt want to deal with it because it "already ruined fishing, it ruined his afternoon and now its ruining his dinner". i simply replied, "cool, same here". because he never takes into account how much something may be "ruined" by his behavior and attitude. what about me? what about the fact that i asked to stop "dealing with our friend's bullshit" in february when he made inappropriate remarks to me? or the fact he was willing to give drugs to him - on several occasions - despite knowing that im really not down with it at all? but we've continued, for four more months, until the breaking point became him being late for fishing. please. this has continually ruined my general life experience for the past year. the two main people in my life are two of the shittiest people to be considered "main" people in my life. a schizoid drug dealer whom i met through a girl i can no longer even consider a friend because she is equally as crazy and a guy who is best known for being the catalyst of his best friend committing suicide because he fucked his best friends girlfriend. this is a terrible landscape of my life right now and literally all i can do is continually displace myself from THEIR bullshit because the amount of inconvinience they place on to my life far outweighs whatever inconvinience they feel from each other or from me. the thing is though - i dont "trust" my gut fully. i'm actualy more inclined not to trust my gut but my gut is continually right about a logical outlook on someone or their behavior and what that could define in their morality and ways of thinking and acting towards people. my gut told me my first boyfriend was kind of an asshole and that we didnt truly have much in common and that i was filling a role he wanted me to. i knew this, but i continued for many years. my gut told me my abusive ex was an absolute piece of shit but i stayed with him out of pure desperation because i honestly thought it would be better than this and honestly it is not. my gut tells me my current relationship is a real relationship but neither of us are capable of having a real relationship based on our own personal issues and demons and lack of emotional maturity. it's like equal contributions to why it doesnt work at a level we both want it to. we both want to have a mature adult relationship. we both understand to a degree how mature adult relationships work. we are not in any capacity mature adults. we are overgrown teenagers struggling with basic life skills, possibly on a level that is even more of a struggle than our average peer, trying to pretend that we are in fact adults and capable of managing a relationship. we are not though. ive been in long term relationships and understand that bringing up things like "its my fault" or "your right/wrong" doesnt actually add anything to the relationship. admitting it's "your fault" doesn't do much; putting into action - "i'm sorry i misinterpretated what you were saying but im definitely not into hanging out with him any time soon" is far better. but its not up to me to "police" how he should speak. it's up to him to decide that this method of communication is a lot more fair for both parties. it allows him the freedom to express what he wants and thinks while respecting that i'm someone with my own brain and individuality. but thats not where we're at. you cant force maturity. you accept this persons level of maturity or you find someone who has passed that level or possibly wait it out? but waiting it out is a fucking gamble and that's the gamble i've decided to take. you know, i'm not entirely prepared for an adult relationship where i literally contribute equally to the relationship as a whole. i'm not ready for that in myself as a person. as an individual, my life would not benefit from a relationship with a partner giving to me equal to what i give - we would both starve and live on the streets and drive each other bat shit crazy and smoke endless amounts of weed. that's a really terrible life. but at the same time an equal partner to him would be someone unstable, someone who plays with monogamy, someone unwilling to pay into the relationship and carrying burdens of past lovers. someone who has a short temper and bad attitude, who is outspoken on their hatred of the world and people around them and brutally honest regarding split second thoughts and emotions they have towards those people. he wouldnt put up with it. honestly. so neither of us are ready to ask for much in a partner because we are not giving much in return. either of us. and thats a hard thing to accept and like.. i think even my doctor might have an askewed opinion on this because he wants to see me as a victim; maybe ive portrayed myself as such but we are not looking at the other side of things. who is this person and why are they in my life? why do they remain to be a significant person in my life by their own volition? they choose this. something in them wants to see me succeed and be healthy and do well and feel loved and cared for. that does not mean they are _responsible_ for my success, healthy or wellbeing. they are semi-responsible for giving love and care because of the definitions of the relationship they created but theyre not responsible for MAKING me FEEL loved and cared for. i have to accept the knowledge that they love me. so yes - why is he not "helping me"? thats what it comes down to. why am i not receiving some kind of "help" from him? but why is he responsible in giving this help? why are the parameters of an assumed healthy relationship by other people who may or may not even be in healthy relationships being put on something private and considerably always one sided as no one accept our mutual friend has seen our relationship grow? it's almost antiquated, but not naive or dumb, to think because hes a man, because he makes money, because he fucks me and loves me, that he should support me. that he should give me a place to live. give me money. offer it to me. why? where the fuck does it say that anywhere? that's not the stipulation upon fucking someone and that's actually a hard thing for people to swallow i think. maybe its a really ultra feminist idea -- just because a man fucks you doesnt mean he owes you anything other than like.. respect of consent. he doesnt even really owe you a ride home. honestly. he doesnt even owe you a drink or dinner. you made an adult decision to give yourself up to this man and he doesnt owe you shit in return. of course, it goes both ways. he buys her a drink - she doesnt owe him anything either. no one owes anyone anything. it's all a matter of your own free will and choice in how you will behave. what kind of person is fucking anyone because they bought them a drink anyways? but thats simplifying - over exaggerating, even. its the guy that asks a girl on a date and spends 150$ on dinner and buys an expensive bottle of wine and takes her to a concert he bought the tickets for; but he doesnt get laid. its now frowned upon - like he struck out on it. like she owed him her body because he decided to spend all this money. but just because youre in a "relationship" -- which is self defined to begin with. like the basic of it is two people who are close and know a lot about each other and spend time with each other and are possibly intimate. thats it. thats all the fuck there is. they owe you nothing in the past present or future. its just two fuckig people spending time together. thats it. how they choose to spend that time is totally up to them and whatever makes them as a couple and as individuals happy. and when you cant find that balance you no longer spend time together and thus no longer have a relationship. i also though, have to break out of this old mind set i've had for years that is a really ignorant mind set brought on by upper middle class people degrading me and my upbringing. but it happened for so long and so often that it's hard not to now believe it and default to this line of thinking. i feel like i've been reprogramming my brain. and i have to or else i remain in limbo - i have anxiety about life and then i feel bad about not working and then i have anxiety about not working and cant work because it's all just a cycle and i've just been made to feel like such a piece of shit, such a subhuman because this is the path ive "chosen". but in a multiple choice scenario where your choices are given to you and you have to select one, your level of free will has been diminished. and thats the scenario you live in when you are in poverty. but i'm too sick to get out of poverty. i feel stupid in some ways for believing this doctor will help me get on disability and receive more money. but i just want to live. i just want to live and be able to survive without this constant anxiety and worry about how to eat let alone how to deal with issues i've been struggling with since my teenage years. so i'm really hopeful, on the inside, because it would be jynxing it to be hopeful on the outside. but i'm tryng to go with it. i'm trying ot believe that he's right and right now i am making myself sick, i am perpetuating the cycle by not trying all these avenues of help. instead of worrying about not working or having money, i'm just trying to be. i'm just trying to know that i am sick and it's not "my fault" and i'm not "a burden". it's "okay" that i'm not working right now. i wouldnt be capable of it if i tried. and those failures because i am sick and unable to succeed just add to the issue. so i am tryng to focus on what works for me. because i am doing "the right thing". i'm doing the few things i can do, what i'm supposed to do - it's atleast given me some results. i have a few projects on the go and one remains to be the most successful thing ive done in the past year of my life and the success i've gotten from it has been something i have consistently worked hard for and has given me a reason to perservere in some very dark moments. i dont think people realize that though. they just see it as this thing i like to do but i see it as one of the very few reasons to wake up and do something. i feel responsible to people i have build a decent relationship with even though i have discovered that everyone is a human being and all have flaws which make them difficult to work with at times. maybe a majority of the time, even, but this is how i created something that has a purpose to me. something that goes beyond financial gain and politics and drugs and death -- something that is just good. it's just nice and good. it's not poisoned - though it has been threatened to be. and it has taught me so many good lessons in life and business. its one of the best things i have done. i want to continue my belief in that and myself. i lost that in the past six months. i lost the confidence that i knew what i was doing but i was allowing other people to do shitty things, to take control, to take advantage when they didn't care. and it was okay they didnt care. but i cared. and now that ive shown that i cared i am receiving more positive feedback and gaining more respect including from people who did not really enjoy me before as a person. i believe the best steps i can take right now is to focus first and foremost on my health and mental well being; which is accepting that my mental health directly affects my physical health and thus i am not a bad person for being tired and feeling sick even if i'm physically active and eating healthy. secondly is to secure a foundation in which i can build a stable independent life on regardless of how that is secured - even if it is not viewed as positive in popular opinion, like disability. it doesnt matter because independent means seperate from other people so other peoples opinions dont actually matter in this scenario. even if that means losing close relationships - such as the one with him. if i have true belief that this is what is best for me and i am literally putting it into the action when i want nothing more but to die on a regular basis then it is worth losing a relationship for if it means i'm going to live until next year. if it means i have a personal reason to live until next year. third is to allow myself to follow my ideas through and promote a healthy work ethic in myself that will build towards better socializing and potential revenue streams. it does not matter right now that its not making money. i am not bill gates over here. i'm not trying to reinvent the wheel. i'm just trying to do me. it's not about how this "directly affects my life" because i "dont have money". i am not capable of earning money through normal ways and cleaning apartments is not sustainable or worthy of investing my time in when it doesnt benefit me in any way but a brief 50$ spent on weed to nurture myself from the experience. quick-cash scenarios are feeding the cycle, even if it seems beneficial short term. some of my ideas are artistic, some are more administrative with real potential to make money without relying on 20$ jewelry sales. i really want to elevate what i'm doing in all areas of my life because that level of attention to detail is what makes me feel good about myself. looking at what ive created and seeing it as aesthetically pleasing and professionally sound to my eye and recieving positive feedback for it makes me feel good about myself. and i deserve to feel good about myself and i'm not self absorbed; the things i do are very charitable and serve my community and peers as well as allow me to explore my thoughts and ideas creatively. it is very easy to feed into the very quick dim witted insults that i get about this though. "sure, i wish IIII could just sit at home and play on the computer getting diability but i have to work" -- at first response, we've both forgotten why i'm even sitting at home to begin with; why it's hard for me, why i would be getting disability. all that's seen is someone "sitting at home". they do not see the sickness. they do not experience the life i've lived. i've been contnually slashed at by almost everyone i've ever known and just gotten up like "okay, it's cool, i got this" and acted like everything was fine but i'm bleeding out and have been bleeding out for a long time. you just cannot fix this overnight. and it's only now even as i write this that i realize i havent even focused on myself like this in years. literally years. i've actually felt very surreal lately because this shift in focus like i dont know anything of whats happening becuse i dont know myself and this is new to me. i feel disconnected. but ive spent a long time analyzing other people. and their actions towards me. and how ive felt about their actions towards me. and how their actions affected my life afterwards. very rarely have i ever analyzed just myself. my own actions, my own desires, my own beliefs which have little to no influence from outside sources. my combining life experiences to form the opinions which make up who i am; not who i'm told i am by my parents or my boyfriend. just me. and for a very long time i would say or think that whatever i thought about things, whatever my opinions or beliefs were, they werent that important. they werent as important as what everyone else thought because i wanted to be seen as a good person because good people experience a positive life. i want to have a positive life. i didnt want to be around drugs or drunks or stupid people. i wanted to join groups and do good things and be altruistic. i wanted and maybe still want to in some ways, serve people. because everyone else is more important than i am. its taken me a very long time - like a stubbornly long time that is actually exactly how long it would take me because thats exactly who the fuck i am - to admit that not all people are good. like even if 50% were good, even if 70% were good, there are billions of people on this planet so 30% would still be a fucking shit load of people that more than likely are walking past you on the street. they gotta live somewhere. you cant pretend like absolutely none of the bad people that clearly exist in the world dont exist around you. and unfortunately, and i'm still really stubborn on this, i think the number is higher in terms of bad people. i see a lot of bad people on a regular basis. not even associated with me. just out in the world, people doing shitty things to other people. so i think i could almost safely say atleast half of the worlds population are probably assholes. so to live in the belief that you are not important perpetuates a serious amount of trauma and abuse by the sheer number of assholes who exist on this planet. you actually need to be much better prepared in order to really sift through who is an asshole and who is not an asshole. if you think you're a piece of shit then no one is an asshole because whatever anyone does, they're better than you anyways so how could it be "bad". how can you "complain". it's not downgrading the trauma thats experienced - for example, my abusive ex, but knowing i wasnt important allowed me to stay in the relationship. i perpetuated the abuse by staying and accepting i wasnt important. when i left, it stopped. and even if i think i'm not important, at 27 years in, i really also don't like trauma and abuse. i do not like those feelings even if feeling important is not "important". but in order to stop trauma and abuse, the number one thing that must change is not feeling or believing me or my thoughts or emotions are important. what i regularly would deem as selfish is self-sufficient. it's survival. my stubbornness in believing the world is good is causing me serious harm. people are not all good, they do not all have good hearts but it's okay because some are good. all of them are human beings with flaws, but some are good human beings with flaws. so the fourth most important thing right now is breaking and creating connections with the "right" people. i am tired of drug users. i have been tired of drug users since i was sixteen and i am still tired of them now. i have never known a good drug user. i have never wanted to remain friends with one. i have never become a regular drug user. i am constantly embarassed and ashamed of the times i spent on drugs. it's okay to be alone if it means not spending time with people you're not going to do anything with anyways and you don't feel a good connection with. i want to be heard. right now, i'm not being heard. i believe thats a serious flaw in my closest relationship but i believe the voices in his head are screaming so loud, even when he's trying to listen, he can't hear anything past his own bullshit. it's not for lack of trying. i would love for him to be finished being friends with our mutual friend. ive not wanted to be friends for sometime but he didnt particularly care. even though i respect the time ive had with our mutual friend and the help hes given me and the time hes spent with me when ive been feeling down - he has never been helpful. he has also only ever fed me weed and even harder drugs when i have been particularly down. he has hindered my recovery many times and triggered issues. the only reason he is in my life is so i can buy weed easily. and that in itself might be causing an issue in my life. the other week he handed me this book, "i'm okay - you're okay". he told me it was basically what i try to say to him; not the contents, just the title. and i guess that sums it up -- what i'm doing is "okay" and what he is doing is "okay". it hurts, yeah. because i'm a human being with flaws and emotions and my own issues and other people - many other people, not just him - will trigger these issues. a lady at the hospital coldly said, "to me, it might be nothing, to you, it might be everything". but it's true -- this might be nothing to someone else. ive occassionally thought successful marriages have docile women who have accepted that men can be ignorant and aggressive people by nature. everyone seems to have a story of an overzealous over the top angry man - even if they were just angry and no one was harmed. but to me, it's everything. to me, it triggers immediate fear and a response of crying and wanting to run away beause something bad is going to happen. it's not just being yelled at - something bad will happen. when he screamed at me on the weekend, things shifted. i could feel a level of embarassment; it wasn't like he was really trying to prove something. he knew it was a disgusting display, immature and extremely unhelpful for my particular situation. he wanted to quickly sweep it aside - just as he did again today when he realized i wasnt actually trying to start "something".

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vitalmindandbody · 8 years ago

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10 Simple-minded Ways To Heal A Broken Heart

I cant do this anymore.

The terms still reverberating in your ears, ricochetting around until they land like a punch in the gut. Youre instantly transported to a new world, one you didnt know existed before this moment. A world-wide and life without your beloved.

It doesnt feel real. You pinch yourself to wake up from this nightmare, but youre still here, still revolving from this declaration, this revocation of love.

Warm snaps stream down your face until you begin to sob, that terrifying uncontrollable sobbing that leaves you gasping for air. You want to hide away, cry yourself to sleep, and somehow magically feel better tomorrow.

Weve all been here. Or some modification of it. Weve all had our centers cracked and stomped on. Weve all diverted over every moment of our relations in our headings and wondered, What could I have done differently?

But we are now transported into a macrocosm where the love we seemed is grasped away from the americans and dont know what to do with ourselves other than suffers and sorrow our loss.

I recently read a work that briefly touched upon anguish and its advice mostly amounted to go out with your lovers as far as possible. WTF? Thats it? Thats how Im going to heal my mettle? Most of my lovers are scattered in all regions of the world. Becoming out with them every night isnt even a viable option.

How on globe do you turn off those kinds of impressions? What happens to affection lost? How do you mend a broken heart? I decided to investigate how to mend my own shattered heart.

In previous breakups, Ive simply idly fallen into my personal motifs of desire lost. For me, I exclaim, I stay in bed, watch bad tv, chew cookie dough, and hide away from the people who love me. I mainly dont DO anything. I sit and wait.

Because time heals all winds, right? Or does it? If occasion is a construct of our attentions, do “weve been” have to wait for the occur of period, something illusory to mend ourselves? Can we speed up the process of healing our wraps? How much is impossible to ensure our healing through our wars and blueprints?

So, instead of blindly falling into my decorations, I started to ask myself some questions about my habits. Im looking at my structures with enjoying interest, playing with them a little bit, realise what is actually acting me and determining what patterns are there exclusively because of economy, because my memory, form, and nerve are too tired for anything but pattern. And heres what Ive learned

1. Lean Into Sensation

Essentially, everything we know as physical beings comes down to sensation that we name good or bad. When I began to lean into the wizard in my body, requesting what it had to tell me, thoughts began to transform. I asked where the ache lives in my torso. I closed my eyes and supposed symbolizing my excitement. I described what it felt like in writing, how I had to remind myself to breathe and how fascinating the absence of a act- breath and love feels so heavy.

I examined the tightening in my chest, trying not to label it good or bad, just simply as superstar. Human tolerating is predominantly an expression of the results of labeling event as good or bad and right or wrong.

The thing about perception is, its ever changing. It doesnt stay forever. When we change our perspective of know-how merely being a temporary district of existence, it takes service charges out of it, simply through the simple-minded number of observation. In my own experience, the sensation itself tend to change faster the closer I look at it.

By noticing how heavy the fact that there is breath felt, I began to fill my lungs with slower, deeper breaths and learnt my entire being become a bit lighter.

2. Frankie Says Relax

Remember those t-shirts from the 80 s from Frankie goes to Hollywood? Passes out those guys had a good idea.

While this might seem a little bit self-contradictory to simply discovering perception, this practice of tightening your body has slightly different merits. We support so much better tension in our mass on a daily basis, and its even more amplified in times of high-pitched stress.

Make a practice of checking each part of your mas for tension. I like to start out lying down on my back and closing my gazes like I would for savasana. Take a couple of deep sighs, then try to contract and tense up every single muscle in your organization at once. Hold this for got a couple of seconds, then liberate the tension in your whole mas. Repeat a couple of times. I find it helpful to see the comparison in how my person tones between the tension and the relaxation.

Then take it further by slowly checking each part of your form from leader to toe. Tense up an individual muscle group for a moment, then exhaust it. Crinkle your forehead, and handout. Squeeze your eyes tight, and handout. Clench your jaw, and handout. Press your tongue to the ceiling of your opening, then make it hang loose in your mouth.

You get the picture. We all know we view so much friction and stress in our shoulders and backs, but also pay attention to the little neighbourhoods. Tightening the smallest muscle radicals, particularly in my appearance, often prepare the most difficult difference in how I seem afterwards.

3. Move It

Rest is important in mending a middle. But I often situate too much emphasis on it. Yes, I need to take care of myself with sleep and the blessing of stillness. But I now believe it is equally important to move your torso very. The medium of shift isnt important. Just move.

On day one I went to a yin yoga class. While technically moving my body, the needs of the of yin yoga are much less than read a spin class. Yin allowed me to extend my form while still allowing me to appear introverted and my existence internalized which was all I could handle.

On day two I croaked for a four mile walk in the common. I remained my headphones on and didnt talk to anyone, but extended my legs and got plenty of oxygen into my lungs.

This movement is facilitating me hinder some momentum and vigour for other aspects of “peoples lives” I dont want to placed on hold while my centre heals.

4. Reach For A Better Feeling Thought

This one can feel a bit tricky. For starters, the thought of exuberance can feel so far removed from where you are right now. So, start where you are.

If you are depressed, what next best happen can you contact for? Depression is experiencing hopeless, disheartened, retiring. There isnt even any energy around depression. Happiness and desire can feel like a world away from depression.

Can you reach for something that seems slightly better than this powerless desperation? Perhaps hope? Or wrath or storm? Most passions have more vitality behind them than hollow. While temper isnt a situate you want to stay in, it can also stimulus some movement.

What if every day you worked towards an spirit merely one step in future directions you wish to move? Take a look at the Emotional Guidance System scale I formed from Ask and it is Given below. Moving up by one spirit a daylight will put you in a pretty good region in not so long a time.

There is something else to watch out for here. In the midst of my profound bereavement, I have minutes of genuine laugh when I hear something funny. The first few meters it happened, I immediately experienced guilty.

It was as if my feeling good in any way was a disloyalty to my broken heart. My mentality was telling me that if I feel good, its as if I didnt appreciate such relationships as much as I felt I did. Well, that is hogwash. That is my hurt ego talking. My relationship mean and still signifies “the worlds” to me. Tell me be really clear on this point…

If youre having a hard time contacting for a better sensitive conception, try some visualizations. Stay away from thinks about your relationship and cherish. They are very charged topics, so start somewhere easy.

Close your eyes, thought the sentiments of the warm sunlight on your look, and cool breeze on bare shoulders. Dream the flavor of your favorite dinner on your tongue. Dream your abs hurting after a good belly laugh. Improve on this feeling with knowledge from our lives you can draw from. What in your life is full of ease and joy?

5. Surround Yourself With Reminders Of Truth, Beauty, And Love

I have a tattoo on my left forearm that enunciates Love Inspired by a blog upright called the Beauty of the Ellipsis, it serves as a reminder that ardour isnt a finished thinking. It is always in motion, ever deriving. Adoration for myself, my family, your best friend, and those Ive lost.

I have a maple seed necklace to remind me that in every moment Im planting the seeds of my future. I have prisms hanging from my windows for an extra perforate of coloring and rainbows on sunny epoches. I am gradually building a jungle in my house. I fill empty spaces with plants that remind me of life and vitality even on the grayest of days.

Fill your encircles and life with little bits that remind you of what you know to be true, beautiful, and joyful. These neednt be grandiose or expensive, just simply concepts that reverberate with you. Here are some ideas to get you started.

Flowers from Traders Joes. Pinterest board filled with beauty. Follow an inspiring Instagram or Tumblr account. Make or find a mantra. Use Canva to build and print out invigorating paraphrases to embellish your room. Croak for a step and find the perfect stone to bring home. Find a brand-new favorite aroma and spread it around your mansion liberally. Buy new stationary. Treat yourself to a book from Etsy. Draw portrait or stimulating mentions with sidewalk chalk in your vicinity. Find a neighbourhood neighbourhood to make a coffee or tea mug. Alternately, find one that impresses your imagination at Society6. Create an altar or sacred cavity and crowd it with crystals, palo santo, and offerings. Spend day with children. Find reminders of your truism and joy.

These may seem to be insignificant things that are only on the surface, but I find the more I border myself with items that experience whimsical and magical in some small-scale acces, the more Im able to remind myself of how I want to feel in each time. They help me choose to feel glee and magical when I might otherwise choose grief.

6. Self-Care Saturday( Or any era. Or every day !)

We can be quite penalize to ourselves in times of conflict and stress, so take some time to really take care of yourself in some way.

Were all busy and charged with the responsibility, but if you dont take care of yourself first, the main responsibilities can begin to suffer as a result. Im more focused and productive when Ive taken care of my necessities first. I attend to my responsibilities in a bigger and better behavior when my goblet is full , not empty.

Theres a lot of area for reading here as to what self-care consider this to be for each person. While technically, all the suggestions in this article are a species of self-care, I miss “youve got to” block off some time specifically for self-care, mining deeper into what that means for you.

Maybe its taking a long, palatial shower and spending duration pampering yourself with tinctures for your skin that move you feel radiant. It might be spending a duo hours in live animals shelter fondling with puppies and kittens. Perhaps its planning a hot stone rub. Maybe its nourishing your form with vibrant healthy food youve cooked yourself. It might be taking a couple hours to read a book thats been sitting on your nightstand for months.

Tailor your self-care and rotate it into a weekly or even daily ritual.

7. Invest in Yourself

Im willing to bet everyone has something new theyd like to try if merely they had the time, coin, or excuse.

Here is your allow stumble to try that something new.

Did you want to pick up knitting, or perhaps learn to play the guitar? Maybe memorized some bayonet abilities to hoist your prepare? Rock climbing, sky diving, paint, memorizing another language, the possibilities are interminable. You can find a class on just about whatever it is you like online these days.

As progenies, we try brand-new occasions all the time. Its how we discover and change at an exceptional charge. But this slows down as we grow up and our visual field becomes smaller as we narrow down our athletic field. So expand your compass, invest in yourself in some way, and learn something new.

The cognitive requirements of memorizing something new are also welcome to serve as a great pattern of distraction when you need a distraction. Perhaps youll be brought to an end picking up a brand-new hobby, check off another carton on your pail listing, or have a good story to tell.

8. The F wordForgiveness

Ahh, a big creepy one! The topic of forgiveness can be a fiction in itself. Perhaps there is a requirement forgive the actions of your ex, or maybe forgive yourself for your own. Or a combination of both.

We dont always like to forgive people for actions we deem incorrect or unkind because it can feel like we are giving them a free pass. But Ive became aware that maintaining onto exasperation and resentment is always worse. Its a tremendous force suck and you cant find joyful as the same duration “you think youre” feeling justified in your fury. So, I select my own gaiety over my resentment.

Its a choice to make over and over again. Its not easy to forgive in one large-hearted sweeping action. It generally happens in increments. Its helpful to practice radical rapport, vividly dreaming how it feels to be the person who did you wrong. You know most people are essentially doing the best they can with the information they have at each minute. It becomes easier to suppose why they did what they did when you put yourself in their shoes. You begin to feel more empathy for them.

You recognize that the indignation youre accommodating acts no one. And you gradually begin to let it go, piece by piece.

Because forgiveness is not for them, its for YOU.

9. Afford what you wish to receive

I was walking around, detecting like no one loves me, which is totally and completely untrue, but when youre heartbroken, your subconsciou does all kinds of irrational thoughts. I received a pal of mine berth about writing a note of encouragement to a pal, and I wished to be that friend with every fiber of my being. I wanted to open up my mailbox and receive letters of cherish, a validation of the adoration that exists for me.

I expected myself what could I do to feel that adoration? I decided to Pay what I wished to RECEIVE. I started writing words of encouragement and love to pals and strangers alike. All I had to do was write what I wanted to hear, for myself. It was that easy.

This did two things for me.

One, the brain doesnt is the difference between handing, receiving, or even witnessing magnanimity. When you perform an act of kindness, the pleasure and rewards cores light up, releasing feel good chemicals as if you were the recipient, which some psychologists have dubbed the helpers high.

Two, it demo me that we live in a macrocosm of abundance. I dont is a requirement to accumulation away love and kindness to keep it. It actually thrives when I open it away. Its generative. And often, when you demonstrate adore and kindness away, others are inspired to mirror your enjoy and kindness back to you as well as fee it forward to others.

We cannot presume to understand the dominance of the extent of what a few kind words can do for someone and its ripple effect on the world. Win win triumph!

10. Investigate Your Own Patterns

This is by no means a complete list. Merely recommendations of the start of opportunities for your own healing. The biggest occasion you can do for yourself is to get curious, examine your own personal decorations in its own experience of sorrow, and doubt each one.

Hold each one up as they sound and question Does this suffice me?

If the answer is truly yes, keep it. If the answer is no, try something new or the opposite of that first inclination. Play with the brand-new reaction, see if that one provides you better, prepares you feel better both in the present and the long term.

And most important, be gentle with yourself. There are epoch to push your borders, to peruse, and to experiment. But i still have a meter for rest and a is necessary to give. Dedicate yourself the grace to know you are where you need to be when you need to be.

Know that you wont always feel like your centre has been rent out of your chest. Lessen the distance between a shattered heart and a mended middle by experimenting with these alternatives to your motifs. One day youll open your middle again and feel the rushing of falling in love. Youll look into attentions that truly see you and reflect your feeling back to you. And youll be ready for large-scale ardour because youve already done their efforts to heal your middle.

The post 10 Simple-minded Ways To Heal A Broken Heart appeared first on vitalmindandbody.com.

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The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild Link has never been set so free

The Nintendo Switch launch title takes the Zelda franchise to a whole new level, producing something even greater than the sum of its finely honed parts

Nintendo tricked us all. For years, it gave the impression that it was content to live in its own little corner of the gaming world, making well-received updates to its own franchises, without really caring about what the wider industry was doing.

Now we know that for all that time, it was watching and learning. The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild is the result of that examination: a game that marries the best bits of the franchises long history with the best bits of the rest of the gaming world, and produces something even greater than the sum of its parts.

At its heart, Breath of the Wild is an open-world exploration game, in the vein of titles such as Skyrim, The Witcher 3, and FarCry 4. After completing the small starting area (and these things are, of course, relative: that area feels about as large as the entire Hyrule Field from Ocarina of Time), Link is thrown into a world scattered with quests to complete, people to meet and monsters to defeat.

He can find and climb towers to mark new areas on the map and travel at speed between them. He can break in wild horses and ride them, collect foodstuffs and cook them, collect new weapons and kill new things with them. He can also find, hidden or in plain sight, shrines which expand his life pool for each four completed; he can attack, or be attacked by, boss-level monsters wandering around the world, and solve environmental puzzles to collect Korok seeds that will expand his inventory. And then theres the other stuff dotted around the place that defies categorisation: the Great Fairies, the rare non-boss monsters, the small hints at the past of the world of Hyrule, and the strange characters youll sometimes meet, half way up a mountain playing an accordion or in the middle of a ruined castle being attacked by Bokoblins.

Theres a danger, when describing a game of this scale, to get lost in the checklists. Yes, theres a lot to do, but thats meaningless if doing it isnt fun in its own right. Thankfully, thats not a problem Breath of the Wild has. In fact, I cant think of a previous Zelda game which gets the core gameplay loop so right.

Lets pull back for a second, though, and look at the overall structure of the game. Once Link leaves the Great Plateau, in short order he finds the heart of his quest: to find and free the four divine beasts, techno-magical creations that are key to defeating regular series villain Ganon and saving Princess Zelda and the land of Hyrule from destruction. As Zelda plots go, its fairly standard, considerably enlivened by the cast of characters involved, and the fully voice-acted cutscenes interspersed throughout (Link himself, however, remains a mute protagonist).

Those four divine beasts are located at roughly the four corners of the map, encouraging full exploration even before the completionism and sidequests kick in. They occupy roughly the same role in as the classical dungeons and temples of previous Zelda games, with a series of puzzles culminating in a boss fight, and form absolutely spectacular set pieces.

Each of the beasts have their own radically different storyline leading up to the confrontation. Photograph: Nintendo

The first of the beasts I fought and you can approach them in any order you see fit, but the game gently nudges you to tackle them in a roughly anti-clockwise order started with a trip to Zoras Domain, battling through a long path to reach the land of the fish people. Once there, Link is enlisted to collect lightning-infused Shock Arrows (the Zora, being a watery folk, cant even touch them), before he teams up with the prince of the Zora to attack the divine beast, using the arrows to take out weak points on its outer shell and calm it enough to land on it. And thats only the beginning of the fight, which draws a clear inspiration from titles like PS2 classic Shadow of the Colossus and manga hit Attack on Titan.

Each of the beasts have their own radically different storyline leading up to the confrontation, and even in a more conventionally-structured Zelda, theyd be noteworthy for their impeccable mixture of puzzles, combat and flair.

But Breath of the Wild is not conventionally structured – at least, not for this series. Gamecube-era classic The Wind Waker comes closest, with its seafaring world, but where the open ocean that game offered was largely a wide blue expanse with the occasional semirandom encounter, Breath of the Wilds world is, and I cant repeat this enough, bursting at the seams.

If youre thinking, for instance, that four dungeons seems slim even Ocarina of Time had nine then lets talk about those shrines. Nintendo says theres 120 of them, dotted all around the map, and each of them is a complete mini-dungeon in its own right. Some are simple one-room puzzles, offering everything from a test of timing with your bow and arrow to a motion-controlled game of pachinko. Others expand that, up to a full multi-room series of Zelda puzzles, taking an idea (transport the fire, for instance) and iterating on it. There are combat-focused shrines, with one singular boss-tier enemy, and there are even shrines where the entire puzzle is simply finding the damn thing, or making your way to its front door.

If youre matching the description to your memory of Zelda games past, youll notice something: those shrines arent and cant be ability gated. If you can do anything in any order, the game cant require items that drop from one dungeon to complete the next, as almost every previous Zelda game has. Instead, youll secure the vast majority of your skills in the opening area, including bombs, a time-freeze skill, and the ability to manipulate metal objects.

There are still times youll find yourself in a shrine and unable to complete it, particularly some of the harder combat shrines, but even that happens less often than you might think, thanks to the games unique approach to collectibles.

Every weapon (and shield) is breakable. Not in a World of Warcraft, or Witcher 3, way, where they have durability scores to encourage you to head to a blacksmith periodically. No, these weapons will break, permanently, after a certain amount of use, and theres nothing you can do about it.

That means rather than a steady power increase, common to most RPGs, youll find yourself yo-yoing around: a brilliant sword dropped by a boss will give you a huge burst of damage, but only until it shatters. Its a canny concept, which has you playing around with a far wider proportion of the games armoury than most of its peers, which forces you to treat the vast majority of loot as junk.

Keeping tabs on which weapon to use can become complicated. Photograph: Nintendo

The downside is pairing that approach with an extremely limited inventory space, and the rapid desire to keep a few types of weapon on hand for specific uses (a metal blade for making sparks to light fires, for instance, and an icy weapon for killing fiery enemies), can quickly feel cramped. At times, Ive found myself with only one weapon I was actually comfortable using against common mobs, rapidly having to pick up a new club every time my old one shattered lest I wear down my Ancient Sword++ or Giant Thunderblade.

Just as your weaponry and inventory no longer act as a constraint on where you can go, so too does the world itself offer few barriers. You can go anywhere is a common selling point in open world games, but its rarely so true as here. Every wall, cliff, and tower can be climbed, with only Links stamina limiting how far you can go. And that stamina can be refilled, with food eaten halfway up a mountain, and enhanced, with items won from shrines, meaning that the sky really is the limit. And youll want to climb high, because the other major addition to Links motability is a paraglider, similar to the Deku Leaf from Wind Waker, which can take him a considerable distance if he jumps off a high-enough point.

All these things combine together to form that best-in-class core gameplay loop. In the back of your mind, you know you should make your way to the Zora Domain, to find the divine beast. So you climb a mountain to see if you can spy the way to the tower that will give you the map. You do see the tower, but you also spot a shrine halfway there. Pausing only to consider the landscape it really is pretty, isnt it? you mark the shrines location, jump off a cliff, and float towards it, but find your way blocked by a camp of Bokoblins. Fighting your way through them shatters the claymore youve been carrying, and costs precious arrows, but the chest at the end contains a hundred rupees, and you pick up a spear one of them dropped, so it nets out. Once you find the shrine, you complete the puzzle by setting your own wooden spear on fire, and then leave, with the intention of heading on to the tower.

But the shrine is a fast travel point, offering you the ability to divert from the trek and easily resume it at a later date. And now youve got a hundred rupees, you can entice a Great Fairy out of her hiding place. So you head over there, and chat to her, discovering that shell enhance your armour. But you need a few more Hightail Lizards to do so and so you put the trip to Zoras Domain on hold again, just for a few more minutes

You look up, and its five hours later, and you dont care.

Nintendo Switch (version tested)/Wii U; 59.99; Pegi rating 12+

Nintendo Switch review: a brave and fascinating new console

Nintendo Switch is here but Im still playing my N64