#with Some white highlights so that it’d let me export it

[mcybree]

for context this is my fucking animal by the way

[maxibigtravels-blog]

Insights from my “vacation” to Jim Kong’s “Democratic Republic”

First up, why did I go:

I’ve always loved traveling. Not in the way girls on Tinder say “I love to travel!” but in the way that I actually get out of England and go places. North Korea was the 53rd country I’ve been to. I’d love to go to all 198 but some of them are even harder to get to than North Korea (which was surprisingly easy for an Englishman at least). 

I had a few weeks free time between finishing my old job and starting the next one and I had always thought North Korea sounded like an interesting place – like nowhere else you could ever see. I had also been listening to the Pat McAfee Show a lot, so the constant mentions of North Korea had it at the front of my mind (even if the constant warnings against it didn’t put me off).

I knew of a tour company, so I booked a place, sorted out my Chinese visa whilst the tour company sorted out the paper North Korean one (you don’t get a stamp in the passport, total bummer…), booked a plane ride out to Beijing. My preparation was: watching The Interview and Team America, reading Vice Articles. I flew out to Beijing, spent the weekend singing karaoke, eating dumplings and checking out Chairman Mao pics, then met my tour group to head over to Pyongyang. 

I chose to get the train rather than fly because I’d heard you can meet some cool locals on the train and they’ll chat to you. This wasn’t entirely true. Most people either just ignored us or stared at us. The train also takes 24 hours and isn’t built for comfort. At 6’5” and a former Nose Tackle, I’m not exactly the right size for North Korean train beds. I also woke up around 4 a.m. to a Korean woman stroking my foot. Pretty odd sensation, but alas this was not the first step towards a forbidden Anglo-North Korean romance.

Once you arrive in Pyongyang, none of the locals really pay you any attention at all. In China, India, other places in Asia, people love to stare at the big white guy and often ask for pictures. In Korea, it’s like you’re not even there. 

Most people seemed pleasant enough though, they looked happy, hard working and well meaning. It’s impossible to know how much is put on to impress tourists, but it does seem like it’d be a lot of effort to get an entire city into shape just for a few tourists.

We had a little walk before dinner the first night, down by the river where they’re meant to be having their beer festival. Apparently, last year’s was a great success, all the men are given beer rations, so they get free beer! I would later find out that all their beer is one of three flavours of beer: light, dark, or disgusting. I saw some children playing cards and a few men fishing. It was a lovely Summer’s day by the river… the kids were then shouted at for playing cards.

We headed to the Koryo Hotel. Built in 1985, under Kim Il-Sung, it was meant to “showcase the glory and strength of the DPRK.” It has not one, but two revolving restaurants, so that’s pretty glorious, even if one of them is permanently closed. Apparently, it also has a casino, we never saw this. It feels like the rooms haven’t changed since 1985. All the bedrooms also have a swing-open knee-high to ceiling window. They could definitely make it look like an accident if you fell out.

We had dinner in the restaurant next to the hotel, the food was pretty awful, I still have no idea what meat we were served (although I know it wasn’t dog because that’s a delicacy you have to pay extra for). No offer of a post dinner sample of crystal meth. The whole evening the TVs in the restaurant showed either videos of military parades or war movies. We had a few “craft local beers”, they cost $1 each so obviously you’re gonna drink a few (you pay in U.S. Dollars, Euros or Chinese Yuan, but not in British Pounds…) 

Afterward, we were allowed to head back to the hotel in our own time. My first taste of North Korean freedom, walking outside without a guide! It’s weird walking outside at night. There are a lot of tower blocks but it looks like none have their lights on, or the lights are very dim. We did experience a couple of power cuts whilst we were there, people carried on like nothing happened.

Next morning on the way to the bus stop, I saw a woman with an AK47 on her back walking to work. She was foxy. The bus then drove by a little square where a few dozen women were out performing a cheerleading-style routine to encourage the men on their way to work. I feel like my morning commute to work would be better with more cheerleaders.

It’s about a 120-mile drive to the Demilitarized Zone from Pyongyang. That should take like 2 hours driving, but our coach took way longer. Absolutely zero traffic on the route, I could have counted the cars that passed us on two hands, but the roads suck.

We went to the town where the Armistice Agreement effectively ending the Korean War was signed. We were shown around by an official army officer. He showed us a replica of the Armistice Agreement. I asked where the original copy was. He told me: “You are handsome, like a movie star. You do not need to know where the original is, this copy is the same! Let’s go.” He was a nice guy.

Next stop, the DMZ itself. I popped over to South Korea for a few seconds, then it was time to go back to Pyongyang. We got back late afternoon, stopping off at the Arch of Reunification, which joins the Reunification Highway with Reunification Avenue. They’re pretty big on the idea of Reunification.

Next morning, a trip to the monuments to Jim Kong Ill and Jim Kong Sung (Jim Kong Un’s Dad and Granddad). They sure know how to make a really good statue in North Korea, so much so that it’s one of their best exports to other countries that love a good supreme leader/dictator statue. We had to wear a shirt for this, no looking sloppy when you’re visiting the big dogs.

Following those monuments, were a few more monuments and statues, including:

-    The Chollima Statue: Chollima is a winged horse, like Hercules’ Pegasus. It symbolises the Chollima speed which inspires the North Korean people to work hard. We were told that when they build skyscrapers, the workers inspired by Chollima can build one story of a building every 14 minutes. I believe when they say “inspired by Chollima speed”, they mean “taking a ton of crystal meth” (tour guide could not confirm this)

-    The Monument to Party Founding: a 50-metre statue of a Hammer, Sickle, and Paintbrush (symbolising 50 years of the Workers Party). The picture of me by this has since become perhaps my best Tinder picture yet.

-    Their Arch of Triumph: looks the same as the one in Paris, but theirs is 33 feet taller. Suck it Paris.

-    The Juche Tower: which is roughly 3ft taller than the Washington Monument. They love buildings that are slightly taller than other famous buildings. It has 25,550 bricks, one for each day of Kim Il-Sung’s life.

-    Grand People’s Study House: a massive library, with over 10,000 books Kim Il-Sung wrote (one of which I bought a copy of, will have to send it to you guys). People are allowed to use the “internet” here (essentially an intranet, with approved websites, including a North Korean dating website, and Facebook equivalent)

The other three highlights of the trip for me were:

The Military Museum: I have never seen a military museum as big, as well stocked, as well cared for and as well loved by the people of North Korea. They genuinely believe the Americans started the Korean War which is just nuts. We were told not to take pictures inside the museum, but I couldn’t believe some of the things I was reading, so tried to sneak in a picture. Two seconds later I caught a security woman tattling on me. What a snitch. Their military museum has a ton of captured American military equipment, including the USS Pueblo, the only American “warship” (communications ship) in captivity. 

(Pictured above: me and my new girlfriend)

Snake Soju and Tortoise Blood: Snake soju will fuck you up, tortoise blood apparently will fix you. They’re pretty big on snakes, so one night we got a bottle of soju (rice liquor) with a whole snake in. It’s meant to be good for virility and is drunk as an aphrodisiac, this is perhaps the greatest lie they have ever told, and for a country big on lies, that’s another bold claim. Tortoise blood is another strange ‘drink’. When a boy turns seven years old, it is tradition to take a tortoise, string it up by its back legs, let the blood run to its head, then feed the head to the 7-year-old and let him drink the rest of the blood. Again, good for strength and virility. Again, a huge lie.

THE HIGHLIGHT OF ALL HIGHLIGHTS: The Children’s Palace. AKA WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS FUCKING PLACE: A public after-school club that apparently all children age 9-15 can come to. Built because the North Koreans believe the children are the future, and so they deserve a palace. It’s 120+ rooms of child prodigies playing every musical instrument there is, dancing, singing, painting, playing sports, all to an elite level. There is absolutely no way that these kids are coming here for an hour or two after school, they’ve got to be there all-day every-day to even possibly be that good, that well choreographed and scripted. They are incredible. We capped off our visit with a trip to the 2,000 seat theatre where they put on quite the show for us. The finale included 10 young boys singing in Korean, whilst a video of nuclear bombs, tanks and rockets rolls in the background.

Tl;dr version:

I had time off work, I have always thought it sounded like the craziest place in the world. I wanted to see it with my own eyes and feel what it was like.

They’ve got a ton of interesting museums, cool buildings, statues and some very nice people.

You can get beers for $1, all over the place. But as you guys noted on a recent episode, it basically sucks. We went to the “best craft beer bar in Pyongyang” one night, they had 7 beers. I had to try all of them. 4 tasted awful, 3 of them were drinkable, but still pretty rough. 

The city of Pyongyang doesn’t look too bad… it’s super modern in places (where the rich people live), the buildings are painted pastel colours like Miami Vice suits, it’s all pretty clean.

When they’re constructing buildings, they have what they call “Chollima speed”. They can construct one floor of a building in 14 minutes. I asked my tour guide how much meth this involved. They pretended no one did meth. Later that evening I asked my other tour guide about the meth situation, she said it’s definitely available. I asked if I could get some meth. Apparently, the meth is not for tourists.

My tour guide had never heard of a redneck, as apparently, they don’t have rednecks… 

They call American football “gridiron”

They do not know who Pat McAfee is,  and don’t listen to the Pat McAfee Show, or at least they didn’t…

Basically, everything was fine if you followed the rules, listened to the guides, were generally respectful of the country when anyone might have been listening, didn’t laugh when the tour guides said ridiculous shit (America started the Korean War, there is no hunger here, )

I feel like I’ve got a ton of other anecdotes, stories and things to share. Every time you guys do a Jim Kong update, I get excited about what’s coming and feel like there’s something I learned from the trip that I could chip in with.

Final thoughts:

Would I go back? No.

P.S. To anyone reading this who doesn’t know who Pat McAfee is:

https://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-pat-mcafee-show-presented-by-barstool-sports/id1134713453?mt=2

https://twitter.com/PatMcAfeeShow

Now is the time to learn!