#wish there's a way out of agony
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nonothings · 7 days ago
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Cont-
I am overwhelmed by the things that I am supposed to do or should have done by now. But, also have accepted a form of incapability to incompletion, to lack (whether it be focus or time). Don't know if I am giving up or have lost it
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medicinemane · 8 months ago
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And maybe you'll be like "but if you don't trust businesses, how can you trust welfare?"
I fucking don't. My mom trying to get on food stamps fucked me up because a lady I never met without my permission got my SSN from my mom and started editing my files. My heart still races to this very second whenever I think about it, it kinda messed me up bad and I'll never ever ever see any kind of recourse
And I'm terrified that I'm gonna lose my medicaid just cause I inherited some money from my grandpa
And I've never even applied for disability cause it kinda doesn't matter finding out if I'd qualify or not cause of my depression, when the rules are so restrictive I don't know if I've even be allowed to keep my house
I do not fucking trust these things on a personal level. I feel like out of a lot of people I have the most to fear from them cause I'm on the edge of having things work, and that gets you punished
...but I need medicaid in order to have insurance (and when you strip out the finance side of medicaid, I love medicaid... they're honestly incredible insurance... I just... I just... dental is like 90% of why medicaid is so important to me, ever since I found out this state pays for it I've actually been able to do cleanings which is important to me cause I can't always get myself to brush)
And I think things like disability and food stamps are pretty damn important on a personal level, and honestly are also good for the economy cause they get people spending... it's practically a free cash infusion into the economy, cause these are people who need to buy stuff
There's just so much important stuff welfare does that it's worth dealing with government
No, what I want is more accountability so if someone gets my SSN from a 3rd party like my mom they're held to HIPPA styles standards where that's not ok to access my files without my permission (She changed my fucking address and tried to get medicaid to investigate me for fraud! Never even met me)
Like have some accountability there and in every situation
Secondly I want less punitive focused rules. I'd frankly prefer bezos get on disability than smack down some poor sod cause they got $2000 in the bank or cause their friend lets them live with them for free
If there's gonna be a cut off on these programs, it needs to be a solid step above the poverty line, cause... by definition I assume poverty line denotes kinda the minimum expected income people can reasonably live off of, and if you take away benefits people are gonna lose a chunk of money to covering that stuff themself, so you need a buffer before you kick people off
I don't fucking trust the government for a second, I've actively been fucked by them and on a personal level I avoid everything but medicaid and only that cause everything but the money is pleasant to deal with and I kinda need it (honestly if I was rich I'm not even kidding that I'd rather give medicaid like $400 a month than some insurance company, I sincerely like them as insurance)
But I'd trust them a lot more if they were less punitive, less out to hunt me down and gut me cause someone handed me a fiver or cause I started to get on my feet, and if government employees had concrete rules they had to follow that were actually transparent and enforced
Like 90% of my problems with welfare go away if they're held accountable and there's less "catch the welfare cheats" mentality going around
I don't trust the government in the slightest, but sadly there some jobs it kinda has to do, so I'd just rather force it to be an open book where the public can keep an eye on it and if they step out of line there's consequences (sort of like I don't trust most mega corps but happen to sometimes need stuff from them... did you know literally every cell service provider has been illegally selling shit like your location data to random people like bounty hunters, and the FCC just slapped them with a fine that's 0.02% of their yearly incomes and debated even doing that? I even can offer a source on that)
...I don't trust much of any authority cause they constantly fail me and kinda screw me. Don't trust doctors either, but I still gotta go to them, you know? ...they're just... they're real bad at listening... so many systems need systemic change
(You know who I really don't trust is the cops. I could point to so many examples. My uncle doesn't trust cops either, and he's an ex Fire and SWAT paramedic, he worked with them and we still got into a long conversation where he basically tore into them far better than I can)
(I don't trust authority that's not accountable)
#anyway; if I'm a lousy cheat or whatever least they can do is give me a gun so I can solve that problem#shit makes me wish I was canadian so I could take advantage of their sick implementation of assisted suicide#what should be a system that gives people a choice about the quality of their life; and I don't think should be relegated to terminal illne#...there was... think he was dutch; had been burned by his girlfriend all over his body; was in constant pain#and he ended up using assisted suicide in the end cause he was just in constant agony... think that's his choice to make#but of course the canadian system concretely pushes people; mostly the poor and disabled; to kill themselves#not theoretically; as in literally says word for word to them 'you should really kill yourself; just sign here'#it's sick; it truly is#but for any americans that want to dunk on it; I'm telling you we're no better#we have the exact same miserable desperation and people (again; mostly poor and disabled) into despair#only difference is we don't offer assisted suicide#the underlying issues in the US and canada are so damn similar; so much of what's happening ends up being the same#you can't act smug just cause you only make people want to die instead of also offering to help#that's like saying that you're the good guy cause while you did everything you could to drive someone to the brink#get them fired; slash their tires; just cartoon level villain stuff to personally harass this person... at least you won't hand them rope#we have such similar systemic issues to canada; and I am explicitly telling you that like the people in canada that have said#'I can't take it anymore; disability doesn't cover my expenses and I can't get any help... I'm at my wits end so I'm gonna go die'#I'm telling you that I feel that same way; just without any eugenics agency I can call up#I'm really working to get things stable; but it feels like I'm teetering on the edge of falling into permanent failure#and... and I'll actually tell you the amount even though I don't like to mention money... makes me feel guilty#my gramps left me $27k; which sounds like a lot; but I got 20 windows that need redoing (house has a lot of windows)#...if they ended up being 1k each; that's most of the money gone; if they end up being more...#and I got a whole lotta other stuff I've been putting off like plumbing around here; need to replace that faucet#it's an amount of money that helps; but it's an amount of money that isn't gonna last#...that's like a year of bills; and my mom already needs me to pay like $400 to the propane bill since she got behind#I want to use it to... to try and really get my feet on the ground; but it might loose me my insurance... it makes me want to die#and not to be a selfish bastard; but if I could I'd like to try and take and invest a bit to maybe build some passive income#given that... that a job never seems to work out for me cause I fucking suck and cause like... my insomnia has me up at 5:30 am right now#mm tag so i can find things later
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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year ago
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#listen. sometimes. when i get emails pertaining to a specific project i worked on that nearly broke my brain. i just stop what im doing#and start playing Losing My Religion by REM. and i wish the person emailing me could see me face down at a table listening to thay song#mostly its fine. its just when someones trying to manage the data files so i kno im gonna have to go back thru and update my code#for a bunch of tiny stuff and its like: does this sound ok? and i just dont care so much that i want to start screaming#and then at the end of the day i hike up a fucking mountain going over what im gonna tell a therapist when my insurance switches#and im gonna say it in a way thats v calm and agreeable but i want to scream and tear my hair out. or maybe i wont b agreeable. i wasnt#last time i was in a therapist office but that guy deserved it and i wasn't being that bad#ugh. im just mad bc working on my stuff makes me so miserable that when i stop its like wow im no longer in agony. cool#coool. fun times. becoming increasingly apprehensive abt how im gonna try to b more healthy abt working while taking on triple#the responsibility with a phd project and being a student and being a TA. i mean. ill try but its gonna b fucking interesting#ugh. had to bust out the burnout playlist. which like. when u try to look at other ppls burnout playlists they all suck#theyre all like former gifted kid burnout Playlists and im like fuckkk offfff. why do u not have the incredibly specific vibes that im#looking for? i just demand the perfect burnout playlist and somehow nobody puts No Surprises on there#like what??? y not? its a song abt being so totally saturated that youve had enough. a heart thats full up like a landfill. a job that#slowly kills u. bruises that wont heal. how is it not THE burnout song? but whatever. i listen to too much radi0head.#ugh. but now my burnout playlist is becoming too much like my My Brain Doesnt Feel Too Good playlist#listen. i just need to curate playlist so that they can express the feelings for me#unrelated
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autumnhobbit · 2 years ago
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my parents house genuinely just makes me so sad
#and frustrates the crap out of me lol#my mom hates throwing away paper towels so if they’re ‘lightly used’ she just#leaves them crumpled on every surface for ‘later use’#every single empty container is kept even though they’re never used and there’s no room for them#the cups haven’t been replaced since at least 2016 cause I was here the last time they were#they’re all scuzzy and sticky like plastic is when it’s been washed too much#rotting fruits and veggies litter the counters#honestly I wish I could get them to decluttering but both my parents have that deep-seated Great Depression#leftover guilt about throwing anything away or not keeping anything#even if you don’t need it even if you don’t want it even if it would better suit someone else#even if it’s taking up all this room and you never actually use it for whatever you’re ‘saving it for’#mom fussed about clothes and shoes and books#but the siblings bedrooms are both clean and organized#and the rest of the house is a wreck#they need to take a stand on papers and garbage and unnecessary items#but they won’t and so the cycle will repeat#in a lot of ways my mom has gotten better but it still just makes me sad that they’re both this old and still can’t keep house#without it being agony for both or either of them#because dad remembers everything he’s ever owned and constantly demands them when he hasn’t known where they were since 1996#and blames everyone else for not being able to find His Thing#and how we /always/ take his stuff and he spent his whole life providing for us worthless people and we pay him back#by taking all his shit i guess#just cause we all love getting yelled at.#sigh.
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pochapal · 1 year ago
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2 sips of a diet coke and i'm already a third of the way done with this thing i have to do. who can take me.
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pandorashearts · 1 year ago
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as a person w so goddamn much medical trauma the thought of having to go through the process to find a new doctor that is not just simply compatible w me, but who is also, like. u know. an actually nice, understanding person who will put genuine effort into taking proper care of me is so taxing. like i wish it was a simpler process, but it's not. bc i gotta deal w the very real possibility that by having to go through this process, my medical trauma will be worsened even further. & it is already bad enough that i have panic attacks every time i have to go to any sort of medical facility.
im literally so fucking furious over how much this happens. & that there's no fucking consequence for doing it to a Human Being. for tossing a Human Being that needs medical care aside like a piece of fucking trash. the american healthcare system is such a stupid fucking joke.
#mine#and it sucks bc tbh im at a point where i rly wish i could say 'fuck it' & just. not bother.#but i dont have a choice bc im on daily medications that i cant abruptly stop & Have to take to function#like i literally dont even know how to like. deal w processing the doctor my family has had for potentially decades just dropping me#outta nowhere. like damn i literally cant even trust the doctor literally my entire immediate family has seen for YEARS#to fucking give a shit abt me.#ive been through such an absurd amount of betrayals this year i literally feel like a broken shell of a person#im numbing. i really fucking am. what the fuck else am i sposed to do.#like... literally i feel so nauseous over this shit.#no warning. no head's up. just 'oh btw we're not treating [them] anymore.'#like ?????????????????#bruh this year has fucking brutalized my dissociation. i literally dont feel like a real person w feelings anymore.#bc ive just been treated like a piece of shit that's an inconvenience & a burden & worth more effort than i deserve to be granted.#it's so... just... idk. man. i dont even have it in me to be sad or hurt anymore#im just so fucking burnt out & exhausted. ive been wallowing in merciless agony since i had to move back in w my parents#i am genuinely BARELY surviving at this point & Still shit just Keeps Piling On.#i literally dont know what to do w myself anymore. im trying as hard as i fucking can but holy fucking shit.#i already have way less energy to spare than the average person bruh. it's ridiculous#im sick of being told it'll be ok. im sick of being told ppl feel sorry for me.#im sick of complaining. im sick of being miserable. im sick of feeling like this.#i just want to be done w all the hardships im so fucking exhausted i dont wanna be a person anymore man.#also like. v fucking taxing bc not every doctor can nor will prescribe my adhd meds.#so. like. that's also terrifying. nauseating to deal with.#i literally just want to give up bruh and not even in a suicidal way like i just am so sick of trying for nothing#i could do nothing at all and still be put through bullshit im over it all im so fucking over it.#never in my life has being told 'it'll be ok' felt more dismissive than it does this year but my god. does it feel so dismissive & taxing.#ive literally never not been more not okay than i have been this year. & i continuously get more brutalized no matter what.#it's exhausting as shit just let me fucking breathe what the fuck jfc.
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komeeder · 1 year ago
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assigning albums to danganronpa characters but i have only 3, open to suggestions i <3 music
junko enoshima - electra heart by marina
mondo oowada - wish you were here by pink floyd
nagito komaeda - ok computer by radiohead, from under the cork tree by fall out boy
#danganronpa#junko enoshima#mondo owada#mondo oowada#nagito komaeda#btw everyone listen to wish you were here pink floyd rn or else#and my criteria is that basically all/most of the songs match the characters vibe/story and such.#to go into depth. electra hearts goal of being satire and the alternating between multiple characters#and being about teenage agony and self destruction. along with just generally being more pop music with cynical themes#is very junko to me in that sense. also the general fashion and reputation of the album as a bitchy teenage girl angst album#for wish you were here. 'shine on you crazy diamond' is so ??? LIKE COME ON.#sooo many lyrics just match and the . aura of. maybe a sense of responsibility? that was forced onto you. it really makes me think of#his feelings to do with his feelings of responsibility for his brothers death and having to now take care of so many people#and his personal code of honor that puts a lot of pressure on him#for ok computer. just listen to lucky its like so on the nose like actually#'pull me out of the air crash pull me out of the lake i feel my luck could change' LIKE HELLOOOO#you can laugh.... a spineless laugh.... we hope that you choke . makes me think of him and also his murder suicide#and the way the album seems kind of surreal and abstract makes me think of his disconnect from reality and obsessive beliefs and behaviors#and the bizarre and unreal events......#hysterical and useless crushed like a bug in the ground........#fitter happier......#i wonder if id find any more. i need to listen to 8 trillion more albums#edit: just looked at the fandomwiki trivia for mondo. lmao oops. but its still right. SHGSAHGSAGHH#i didnt even know and i came to this conclusion 😭#UPDATE: added futct fob . reasoning is that the bitterness and vengefulness and mix of superiority and inferiority reminds me of#simulation era after he found out abt everyone after the . final dead room or whatever that was called#also just the . tbhhhhh to me he dresses exactly like the warped tour bands in 2005 or whatever. genuinely. so that fits as well#my post
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femmefaggot · 2 years ago
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genuinely very very happy about maya still Do Not get me wrong. I simply wish... the world was better and less cruel. and that I was not complicit in that cruelty. and that honorspren in shadesmar werent such hypocrites.
#outgoing transmission#adolin post#the desire to have everything be good forever and be told by some almighty being that#actually you didnt mske anything mistakes and did the best you can and were good vs like#how... not hollow. but. that is also not true i messed up so very much and do have to wonder if my existence was Not worth it#disregarding the fact that... well. it is a story someone wrote and yes obviously I needed to be there.#but. as a person? mmh. craving not necessarily reassurance but Being Sure i didn't make awful decisions to make things worse. and i simply#cannot know that. not at the moment and potentially not with any certainty ever#which is no different from anyone elses life really. but there is a certain agony to it#i dont know. i love kal. i dont have many memories yet of. well. but#id like to think he loves me. coming face to face with that however is... well why would he?#he is. well i feel anything i say wouldnt really encapsulate it to be honest i could worship that man and i mean that so sincerely#he... would not like it. but it isnt...... well hes a better man than me but not because i think hes flawless or anything#just. he tries so very hard. i didnt even have it in me to not murder someone despite how risky it was#for the best. and i wish id done it sooner still. but i do also think it says a good deal about my character in general#sorry again about this i hope everyone is well.#it is too bright out now honestly which is kind of funny. half comforting. half annoying. a small part... some other thing. weird i suppose#brain is. mm. partially shadesmar. partially... something else. stormy. near kal. tense but not necessarily in a danger way.#but something... stuck a bit maybe. not sure if it is a natural thing or more a. spren parent trap situation. for lack of any better terms.#cute and mildly obnoxious... hm. something to consider.
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wacklemons · 2 days ago
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i have a beautiful plan called i gotta get out of my parents house as soon as possible and not live with them ever again
#geem speaks#being in their house and being around them at all makes my mental health go from like normal to i want to not exist at all. it sucks#sucks so bad. when im around them or i. the house i feel like no one in the world actually cares about me.#and i know thats not true but i honestly believe it rifht now because being here puts me kn such a bad headspace#im sorry i have been venting on this blog so much. i just feel like no one wants to listen to me whine so i do it here. a place where i dont#think anyone reads my tags on my own posts. i dont have a therapist and i probably sbould have one but i dont like therapy.#id rather fall into self destruction for some reason. just hide my agony until i cant and then let it all out hidden away from peeping eyes#i wish that someone out there cared about me enough to do literally anything that would help me not be this way. i dont know why im like thi#this. im awful. i honestly dont know why people like me sometimes because i feel like im a bother to be around. im clingy and a dick and i#cant tell when im wanted or not. i know i feel this way because of past experiences but nothing has made me feel genuinely different aboutit#i think im an unloveable fucker who people pity. it sucks. id literally feel not like this if i wasnt in my parents house.#being on my college campus has been the most freeing time of my life and made me realize how miserable i am at home#i know i shouldnt talk about super duper personal things here but my mother was on the phone earlier with my grandma. she mentioned how#she and my father might not be able to pay for my tuition soon even with all my scholarships. i feel like if i cant go to the college anymor#i might do something terrible to myself and im so scared. im horrified. i dont want to live like this#im sorry for this post. i might delete it who knows. i dont think anyone will have read this#my face hurts from crying. it burns becausdyim allergic to water. im sorry
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secondpersonpoetry · 3 months ago
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"Indeterminacy", J. Mae Barzio
#nhl global series#FINE. fine. the toxic version of the finnish mafia in which no one gets what they want#and the finn polycule of the canes who aren't even there but also in a bad way#you think it's different because you're in a different place but you just see all the ways you don't fit into their life and you never knew#i thought we would be happy if only but here's the what if and we're still not#also? i do and don't go here have been infected by the tetrapod7 and losersroom agonies but it is SOMETHING#going on with whatever is happening over there with jeek/brods/dumba/boldy/fabes.#yes for the another person's tracks in the snow (overlapping soulbonds/d-pairs/curses) snow falling so slowly that no one noticed it#also for some reason i can just envision boldy in a blue striped shirt. wish i knew why. and brods in one also so.#equal but opposite pendulums of their own tragedy (boldy-fiala soulbond to ??) (brods missing dumba hours swedish soulbond jeek & fabes??)#also the prediction of snow and then the snow itself endless is#hockey :/#like? OH MY GOD IT'S SOMEBODY CONTINUOUSLY LOSING IN THE PLAYOFF WITH DIFFERENT TEAMS#I TRIED HOW MANY TIMES ONCE IN ICELAND (WINNIPEG) CALIFORNIA (THE KINGS) (WHY IS THIS PLD) (IT'S NOT BUT OH GRETZKY?)#THE WHITEOUT OF A SPRING BLIZZARD EVERYTHING UNEXPECTED PLAYOFFS IN APRIL THE PALENESS OF YOUR UNDERARM#THE LEAN AND SKIN AND BONES THE STARVED WORKED TO THE BONE THE BLANK SIDES OF THE DIE HOCKEY GAME OF CHANCE#the chords i recognized but couldn't name the music of winning what does it feel like to have the heavy/lightness of the cup in your hands#i was tired of being unsurprised (yes the maple leafs losing in the first round every year-ish. lol.)#the children i never had the rookies that never made it the prospects you came up with the 1/64 goalies who'll make it to the nhl#that you know by the time you're sixteen whether or not the life that gets put on hold until after hockey THE FIELD SPLIT LIKE A LIP?????#you know “how” to win the cup. you can see the path everyone walked before but you can't quite see it everyone hiding how and yet not#you can't see a way because you can only see them that team who won nothing past that#and the memories of the past getting slowly lost to the drifting snow of time covering up the tracks to a blank white open page of history#before and after you. there was never another team but this one this team will never exist afterwards again#hmmm. so we wormed out. this might have to actually go to hockey.
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tokitooth · 4 months ago
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every time i get frustrated with language learning and feel like i’m not good enough i grit my teeth and tell myself “i can’t die monolingual” and the motivation comes back
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spookytimecollective · 5 months ago
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I'm so sorry that you feel so bad, 🏹, I wish we could help you, you're filled with so much hurt
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vinnxav · 6 months ago
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Born to paint, forced to draw shitty cartoons forever
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risingsunyoul · 8 months ago
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b
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hanasnx · 23 days ago
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ᯓ★ “ I WANNA FUCK WITH THE LIGHTS ON ” — clark kent.
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MINORS DNI 18+ ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁 .ᐟ NOTES: this movie isn’t out yet but i can’t wait that long to take advantage of my superman kick and fuck this man. unfortunately i don’t know much about his characterization other than the trailer content. WARNINGS: fem reader ノ established relationship ノ explicit sexual content ノ size difference ノ dick riding ノ objectification ノ p in v ノ praise ノ clark has huge dick syndrome.
“Just… take it slow.” CLARK KENT encourages, but it’s said more so for himself than you. A large, flattened palm emphasizes his instruction, gesturing for you to relax without grabbing you to take over your actions. You stop, his eyes flickering to meet yours questioningly, until he takes a shot in the dark. “Please.” It’s delightfully endearing, and it loosens you up a little.
“It’s not that, Clark, I’m just—you’re just so… you know,” Big. You try to hint at it without blurting it out. Hovering over his lap too long, a tremor builds in your thighs, and you bite down onto your lip as you let it pass through you in a shudder.
His expression adjusts as the realization dawns on him, “Ah,” he exclaims thoughtfully, and he tests the waters, bringing his hands to your body to rest in comfortable places. Your waist seems appropriate, and your fingers fiddle with the muscle in his shoulders as you keep chewing your lip. “Do you want me to take over?” the question is punctuated with a shift of his hips, arranging himself in a better position to begin, but even the marginal movement has you whining with need. It alerts him, tensing up instantly as he freezes while your pretty face twists in pleasured agony. You’re still wrapped around his reddened tip, and it’s a burning kind of stretch that makes you wish you could just shove him in all the way—at the cost of ripping you in half.
Through your heavy lids and thick eyelashes, you manage to meet his gaze with darkened pupils that don’t want to cooperate. You hum a pitiful “uh-huh” while you nod your head, signaling to him that he’s right. His thumbs on your torso stroke at your skin comfortingly, big hands clamped around you as he raises you. The lip of his head catches on the rim of your pussy, and you suck in a breath as an emptiness replaces what used to be filled.
“We’re gonna take it nice and easy,” Clark talks you through it, but even his exhale hitches when cold air hits his slit. Carefully, he lowers you back on, feeding his dick back into your silken walls before taking it away again—all to introduce your hole to his size little by little. The method chips away at your tightness, and you try to follow his movements with yours even if you’re weak in the knees. “Wanna look at me, duchess? Let me see your eyes?” He tilts his head, his curls falling over his forehead as he chases your gaze. You do your best to peel your eyes open one-by-one, granting him his wish as you pant through your open mouth taking his cock one agonizing inch at a time. The sight of you barely holding on when he’s not even halfway in, stretches a smile onto his face, and if you were more coherent, you’d say it’s one of pride as well as endearment.
One hand cautiously releases your side, while the other takes your weight entirely, bobbing you up and down as if you were no heavier than a fleshlight. His other slides between you two to seek out your pretty bud, resting his thick fingers on your thigh while his thumb comes to stroke at that clit. The new sensation slicks you up as quickly as it occurred, and you gasp at how elevated it all feels from a simple action like that. “That’s what you were missing. Right, baby? It’s hard to loosen up without it. You’re so tight…” You know he didn’t say it like it’s a compliment, but it makes your insides jump anyway. Your muscle contracts and suddenly he can fit a lot more in. “Does that feel good?” he asks, his thumb leisurely circling your bud as your pussy drools around him.
Desperately, you nod your head with a couple of “mm-hmm’s!” that lead him to speed up—introducing you to more of his length as he picks up the pace on petting your clit. Your hands abandon gripping his shoulders for stability and instead overlay his. Yours are dwarfed by him, but he takes your guidance, absorbing how you’re putting pressure on his knuckles and replicating it against your poor pearl, getting puffy from the stimulation and the lack of getting railed. It all lights a fire under your ass, and your body moves for you, bouncing in place to try and force more of his cock into you. You can’t overpower the Superman, but he does let you take it all down to the hilt—his strength making a sex toy out of you.
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myheroesfading · 1 year ago
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