#wish me luck! [immediately walks into a lamp pole]

[keeps-ache]

2am and i forgot to sleep or do anything else cuz i was updating my carrd. coughf

[labaleinesolitaire-blog-blog]

Tall Tails and Long Paws

By C. S. Ubert

     Imagine this with me if you will, dear reader, a beast so fantastical and surprising to the eyes that it defies all conceivable biological earthly rules. I come to you now to spread the news that such an animal exists and roams the woods in the outskirts of our quaint and simple town of Denverville. This creature, unspeakably terrifying in its stature, has the innate ability to grow cucumbers from it's hideously pointed and furry ears rendering the labors of the nearby Springfield Cucumber Farmers useless. Tusks the length of an ordinary household floor lamp capable of slicing through even Mrs. Hornigold's hard rolls sprout from its mouth. Creature sightings have swarmed the local police department over the past several weeks and based on these reports the estimated size of the creature is anywhere between a 4 story apartment building, kind of like the one’s over at Northwood Apartment complex--they do have such nice facilities, to a small field mouse. 

     This winged and probably striped creature has been heard pouncing from rooftop to rooftop to backyard and then back to rooftop. I have this firsthand account from Mr. Nathaniel Guttontrop the former architect who lives on Birch Tree Ln and it is quite compelling, but contains an incredible amount of profanities which I do not wish to subject the reader to at this moment. So, instead here is an account provided by Mrs. Minerva Lidwig, the widow of Salisbury Street,

"While I was in my nightgown performing my nightly routine of watching Conan and peeling potato skins I heard this loud squawking sound coming from my chimney. Well, it really wasn't so much like a squawking sound it sounded more like a bawk-squalling sound. Or no that's not quite right either. It was more like-" 

     Mrs. Lidwig proceeded to make horrible sounds for the next 5 minutes trying to imitate the creature.

 "--anyway after a while the sound stopped as abruptly as it had started. It was then that I noticed that I hadn't seen my lovely Purty around. Purty is my cat, of course. I began to worry as any mother would, so I waited for the next commercial break and I went looking for my dear Purty. I still haven't found her. I bet it was that horrible Mrs. Hornigold next door. I'm sure of it! In fact the other day that miserable bitc--."

     Chilling. Not only does this creature have the capability to ruin the economic stability of our local farmers but it can apparently turn neighbors against one another. I, myself, caught a glimpse of one of its nine tails as it dove into Lake Trout while I was out fishing on the dock 2 days ago with my new fishing pole. I am unaware of the sort of things this creature would do below the water but rest assured that it is unholy in nature or at the very least not suitable for children below the age of 13. I urge every single citizen to be weary of this creature. If you sight this horrible winged slimy thing and your head has not yet imploded please look away and then help the child next to you look away and then immediately head to your nearest police station to report the sighting. 

     This life form does not abide by our mortals rules, is extremely dangerous, and has a particular taste for household nicknacks and sporting goods. Why, my very neighbor William Lowsby noticed his fishing pole went missing just the other day but he refuses to accept the simple fact that a devil creature who has the ability to phase shift through walls and walk on lily pads of flame was the culprit. Instead he blames me. Will, if you are reading this, you are a miserable old rat and I did not take your fishing pole. 

     Good luck everyone, except Will. Just remember to stay safe and keep your head down so that the creature's incredibly sharp talons don't sever your head from your shoulders as it leaps through the air. 

-A Concerned Citizen