#winsomeandwild

[brookerecovers]

What did you study in college? What are you doing now?

hi 💜 in college, i studied theatre and english! i went in as a theatre major but actually ended up really not liking the program very much. i enjoyed the theatre classes, but the whole system of how they did shows was kind of … rigged? you could say, and most of the people in the program were catty and mean. so i ended up switching my major to english because i enjoyed that community much more! college was a tough time because i’ve been an actor my whole life and i had to stop acting for a while. it made me feel lost (i still feel like that). i also have anxiety and ocd and depression so keeping up with classes was a fucking mess and i ended up failing a few which again, made me feel lost and shitty haha

now, i’m actually a preschool teacher (and i bartend/ waitress on the weekends). i love teaching! but i know it’s not ultimately what i want to do. i really need to get back into theatre, but when you feel like your identity has been stripped from you, it’s really hard to jump back into something you used to live for.

i’m in a very weird place right now, but i think that goes for most people who are a year out of college haha 😂 im trying to stay positive and to keep thinking that i’ll eventually find my path and what i’m meant to do with my life lmao

thank you for the question 💜💜💜

[brookerecovers]

Hey! Just wanted to say that I love your blog and find it really encouraging. I also am kinda curious as to what it’s like to struggle with OSFED. If you don’t want to share, no pressure. :)

hi! you are so sweet! and i don’t mind! this blog is all about sharing my struggles lmao.

(tw for behavior mentions & a bit of weight talk)

osfed (in my experience) has been a frustratingly complicated relationship with food over the past 7 or 8 years. i’ve had disordered thoughts about food, my body, and my self worth in general for as long as i can remember, but the disordered habits came into play around 8 years ago…. for a long time, they were only happening occasionally, or for a few months at a time. i would then slip back into periods of eating ‘normally’. but for the past 2 years, it’s been getting worse. i had a period of time in high school where it was really bad as well, but then when i moved to college, things got better for a bit. then, slowly, it all started up again… basically throughout most of college, i would restrict for periods of time, then binge for periods of time. my weight yo-yoed so much, but I ended up gaining a fair amount of weight. my senior year of college, at my highest weight, i began restricting much more intensely, and lost a lot of weight in a relatively short amount of time. but, because i was slightly overweight, i was praised for it… 

now i’m at a place where i’m at a healthy weight, but my eating disorder is the worst it’s ever been. i would say the hardest part of osfed is that (again, in my experience) it’s constantly changing… most days, i struggle with restriction. most days, i’m worrying about how little i can eat, what i should eat, etc. but then, some days, my brain is like FUCK IT!! eat everything. some days, my brain is like, hey let’s binge and purge as many times as possible. idk, some days, i almost wanna eat ‘normally’. i just cycle through these behaviors over and over. i lose ten pounds, gain them right back. 

physically, things aren’t too great. i’m constipated as hell; i’m really concerned that i’ve developed IBS, actually, as i literally poop maybe once a week (tmi? sorry lmao). i have no energy, i’m cold all the time, and i almost always have a headache. i’ve developed acne on my chest and back and all around my mouth (prob from purging). i don’t really sleep well.

and mentally/ emotionally, i’m a freaking wreck. i literally have to take it day by day, otherwise i’ll lose it. i’m pretty much numb. the only ‘emotion’ i experience, really, is anxiety. i’m afraid of taking my SSRI because i’m terrified to gain weight from it, so my anxiety disorder, OCD, and depression have taken a really strong hold again. i hate myself, don’t believe in myself, feel inadequate and incapable. this disorder has destroyed my sense of self and my personality. i feel trapped in my own brain. 

osfed is basically my own personal, self-constructed hell. the kicker is, most times i’m in intense denial about how bad i actually am, so i’m still incredibly hesitant/ afraid to get the level of help that i need…. i’m in therapy, but i know i probably need a higher level of care to actually get better. i don’t feel ‘sick enough’; don’t feel deserving of help because i’m not underweight.

sorry if that was a bit of an overshare… but i feel like so much emphasis is placed on anorexia and bulimia that a lot of people struggling with other eating disorders are left behind. i think spreading awareness is so important… and tbh, venting like this really helps me on a personal level. this blog has provided an outlet i’ve never had, and presented me with a valuable support system. everyone i’ve interacted with in this recovery community has been so supportive and encouraging, even though we don’t even know each other… 

after a long time of suffering, i find myself slowly deciding that it’s time to change. at the end of the day, it’s up to me to choose recovery. it’s up to me to say enough is enough and to decide that i actually don’t deserve to be this miserable all the time… and it’s a slow process, but i do find myself changing. i have days where i ask myself, “why am i doing this to myself?”; i have moments where i can see a happy future for myself. even a year ago, i never thought that way. positivity and self-belief is REALLY hard for me, but i’m building it up. it’s a big change to make, when you’ve spent your whole life with low self esteem and negative self talk. these disordered thoughts have been there my whole life, so it feels weird to challenge them. a lot of what i’ve been learning in therapy the past few years is simply to recognize them to be a disordered thought, because the negative thought just feels normal to me.

okay, now i’m just babbling, haha

thanks so much for the question, lovely xx

[brookerecovers]

:)

Tagged by @innininni (thanks babe!!!!)

Rules: Answer these questions and tag 5 blogs you want to get to know better.

Name: brooke

Gender: woman

Star Sign: cancer

Favorite Bands: one direction, little mix, fall out boy, twenty one pilots, the head and the heart........ i could name bands forever!

Favourite Solo Artists: niall horan, harry styles, lana del rey, marina and the diamonds, ... again i could name artists for days i’m an obsessive person ha

Song Stuck in My Head: somebody you found - the japanese house

Last Movie I Watched: coco

Last Show I Watched: new girl

When I Created This Blog: about a year ago? maybe a little less?

What I Post: ed recovery posts and personal posts about my own StrugglesTM 

Last Thing I Googled: "giant beans”

Do I Get Asks?: yes tbh more than i do on my ‘main’ blog (foliehoe)

Why Did I Choose my URL?: idk so people know what this blog is about?

Favorite Colors: blue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Average Hours of Sleep: sleep schedule? don’t know her. but lately i’ve been pretty good about getting like 7-8, at least on school nights haha

Lucky Number: 3 or 8

Instruments: i don’t really play any instruments well, but i can plunk out notes on a piano, and i am teaching myself guitar and ukulele

What I’m Wearing Right Now: a blue crew neck sweatshirt i got in yellowstone and gym shorts 

How many blankets I sleep with: legit 12 (i am anxious and cold always) (i am not exaggerating i literally just counted and i have 12 on my bed rn)

Dream job: an actress :’)

Dream Trip: new zealand!! hawaii!!!! iceland!!! 

Favorite Food: i fucking love pasta and i hope one day to enjoy it again as it’s one of my biggest fear foods :(((((

Nationality: american 

Favorite Song Right Now: firefly by skyhill, dark side of the gym by the national, and 3/3 by the japanese house

Languages I speak: english and i took german for 7 years so i do speak some although i’ve forgotten a lot of it :(

I tag @winsomeandwild @carissa-efflorescent @modalarabear @kathrynrecovering @a-healthy-heather