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ragehappysecretsanta · 9 years ago

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Maybe It's Fate, Maybe We're Lucky

Author: willowsandwonders.tumblr.com

Recipient: joel-hymen.tumblr.com

Summary: "Something about the moment resonated warmly within her and she felt a rush of happiness.A second later, it hit her. I like Lindsay. I like Lindsay a lot.Fuck.I might even love her."

Warnings: N/A

Word Count: 7,677

Eighth grade was the beginning of a lot of things. For starters, it offered a glimmer of hope because in just a few months Meg would be able to leave the shitty private school she’d been in for years and for once in her life high school would give her the chance to start all over and maybe she could even enjoy school again.

She’d trudged through middle school there, hating most of it. Or perhaps a better estimate would be two-thirds of it, because eighth grade was also the start of Lindsay.

It took a lot to cause a stir in the hallways, at least one worth listening to. But for someone, a new student no less, to get lunch detention on the first day, well, it was certainly a record. So maybe, just maybe, Meg had loitered outside the room where it was held on the way back from lunch to get a chance to find out more about the mysterious new kid.

Ten minutes later she rushed into class late, still grinning from her conversation with the mysterious ‘troublemaker’ Lindsay, who’d apparently said ‘damn it’ in front of one of the strictest administrators, but requested that Meg helped perpetuate some of the fantastical rumors she’d spent the detention cooking up, ranging from halfway believable to outrageous. Even if it had just been for a few too-short minutes, talking to Lindsay had been fun, and their friendship only blossomed from there.

Lindsay made the final dregs of middle school bearable, enjoyable even, and Meg could never thank her enough for it.

By the end of eighth grade they were nigh inseparable, spending so much time at each other’s houses that it was like having a second home. It wasn’t perfect, nothing ever was, but Meg figured that it was the closest they could hope to get. They were best friends, without question, and it was wonderful.

Graduation came too fast, but both of them were still relieved that their time at that school was over. The ceremony was a flurry of stage lights, certificates, and Lindsay carrying Meg out of the auditorium on her shoulders, both of them barreling towards high school head on.

---

The last day of summer before freshman year found them in Lindsay’s backyard. Meg had stayed the night; now they were leaning against the back fence and watching the sun rise, still in their pajamas. They had a box of cereal to share between them, and Meg was still wrapped up in one of the blankets from Lindsay’s room, allowing it to act as a shield against the cool breeze. In the soft light of the colorful sky above them, it felt like anything was possible. She shared the sentiment with Lindsay, who smiled warmly and nodded in agreement before turning back to look at the sky.

All the worries she’d accumulated over the summer about what high school had in store for her melted away. At the very least she knew that she’d have Lindsay, and that was enough for her.

---

Freshman year was a lot of things, most of them not very good. It was fine at first, a bit of a culture shock for her since a large public high school was a far cry from her middle school. But Lindsay helped, and by the first few weeks things had calmed down. She and Lindsay hung out when they could, odd weekends here and there when things weren’t too busy. They got their hair dyed at the start of October, halfway between a rash decision and thought-out plan. It was fun, even if the shades they’d chosen and kept secret until after the fact ended up much closer to each other’s than they’d planned. Who could’ve guessed that they’d both go for red? Meg didn’t mind, though, and Lindsay found the whole thing hilarious.

In the winter, there was a change. It was slow, too slow for Meg to realize, but she and Lindsay were drifting. The other girl had always seemed to make fast friends with practically anyone she met, an ability Meg envied. Insecurities of ‘oh god she must be getting tired of me’ aside, Lindsay simply had less time for Meg now, spread thin over the seemingly boundless group she’d assimilated into. Every other weekend turned into one or two nights a month, maybe, and by the time the second semester was starting up Meg only saw her at lunch. Despite it all, though, Meg could still confidently say that they were best friends. Or at least, she hoped that she could. There were some long nights where it was all she could do to try to convince herself that they were fine, but she still clung to the hope that things would miraculously work out and everything would go back to how it was before.

In the spring, Lindsay started sitting with a new group at lunch. It wasn’t a big deal, it wasn’t, but god damn if Meg couldn’t help but feel a little abandoned. She knew that it was a petty thing to worry about, and maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad if she’d had someone else in her lunch hour that she knew to sit with, but it wasn’t unbearable. The worst part of it was the very distinct absence of Lindsay now, who she shared no classes with and now only saw whenever the stars aligned and they got a chance to hang out. Even just calling her didn’t work, more and more of their conversations were ending with some variation of Lindsay leaving for prior commitments to her other friends and a ‘Fuck, I’m really sorry. I can try to call back later?’ Nowadays it was more common for Meg to receive an apology text in the morning rather than the actual call, but that didn’t stop her from waiting every time.

In the summer, it ended. Even when they had the time to hang out they just danced around it and made empty offers, if theydid get together the conversation was stilted, the silences in between topics no longer comfortable. Lindsay had been fading out of her life for a long time now, it was time to admit to herself that the bond they’d had wasn’t anything like it had been. It made her chest ache to finally let herself realize it. Freshman year ended quietly, without Lindsay, and a shitty time all around.

---

Meg dyed her hair pink sophomore year, figuring it was a good first step towards making the year a fresh start. She joined Newspaper on a whim, only to be rewarded by meeting Ashley and Ryan. It had been exactly what she’d needed, a pair of friends to spend time with and help push away the gap in her life that Lindsay had left behind. The year was very calm compared to the year previous which she was thankful for. It was…odd getting used to Lindsay becoming someone that she at-best acknowledged in the hallway in passing, and the reminder of being more or less forgotten still stung, but it was getting easier not to miss her.

Junior year was much the same, making new friends, spending time with old ones, and throwing herself into schoolwork whenever she started to miss someone that didn’t miss her.

---

The first day of senior year kicked off with a hectic start. Her alarm had failed to wake her up and the minutes spent getting ready and driving to school were a blur of ‘oh shit oh shit I’m late,’ but she somehow still managed to make it in time and ready to kick her last year of high school in the ass. Maybe a bit extreme of a resolution, but she was still riding high on the confidence boost of her freshly dyed purple hair and the ‘here’s to not failing’ pep talk one of her friends had offered the night before.

The day went well, as well as the official end of summer could go, and Meg was feeling pretty good about the year already. All she had left to get through was her last class, English.

Ashley, bless her soul, had saved her a seat near the back. She sat down and immediately launched into a discussion of how the first day back was going, glancing up every now and then to take note of the people filtering in. A few people she recognized, a few acquaintances, nothing crazy.

An anecdote about something that’d happened in her civics class died on her lips as someone very familiar walked in as the bell sounded.

She’d locked eyes with none other than Lindsay Tuggey herself.

------

Lindsay had a lot of things going for her, luck was apparently not one of them. She’d walked into English only to immediately make eye contact with Meg. The only observation that managed to filter through the startled expletives in her mind was, ‘oh wow new hair color’ and even that had barely registered before Meg’s gaze flicked away.

And fuck, okay, that was certainly going to make this class more interesting. She took a seat as close to the door as she could and bounced her leg nervously. They hadn’t so much as had lunch with each other since freshman year and the sudden forced proximity to Meg was making her a little nervous. It really shouldn’t, but it had been so long since they’d really talked, and even if she blamed herself for that it was still kind of a shitty situation.

Would Meg be angry at her? Tell her off for abandoning her? Probably questions that should have been addressed years ago, but there had just been too much lack of communication from either side and now she had no idea where the hell they stood, fun.

But she had no more time to dwell on it when Mr. Burns walked into the room and she tried her damndest to focus on what he was saying instead of the girl somewhere behind her. She was pretty sure she’d never paid such rapt attention to a syllabus reading in her entire life.

------

Meg needed to talk to her. Even if she was over-analyzing their brief encounter, even if it was petty. There had been so much silence between them for so long, but the desire to know why their friendship had fallen apart was burning stronger than ever now. Maybe she’d try to get her attention during a lull in class, or before the bell, maybe even in the parking lot, because hadn’t she seen Lindsay driving to school last year? The logistics weren’t important; she would get a word with the redhead no matter what.

Talking to Lindsay was easier said than done. Tuesday came and went without Meg so much as uttering a syllable to her, by Wednesday Ashely was clued in to what was happening and tried to convince her to just get it over with, and finally Thursday rolled around and she had more or less given up. It was a stupid idea in the first place. And what if Lindsay gave her an honest answer that she’d feared for years, that she’d found Meg annoying, or clingy, or any number of things?

Her mind was generating helpful worst-case scenarios when Mr. Burns announced that the class would be breaking off into pairs. She had barely snapped back into reality in time to see Ashley flash an apologetic smile before darting off to work with Barbara. Meg realized what Ashley’s plan was a second later and she swore, eyes sweeping over the room for someone, anyone, that would be tolerable to work with.

For the second time that week, her gaze was caught by Lindsay. But this time the girl gave a tiny, almost solemn nod and Meg made her way over to the empty desk next to her mechanically. She realized with an odd sort of detachment that they hadn’t been this close to each other in years. Her next impulse was to laugh away her own revelations because fuck did they sound stupid, but the sound died on her lips as Mr. Burns started handing out papers and explaining what they had to do. He put the paper on Lindsay’s desk, forcing Meg to lean in closer to read it. It was just a few review questions on the book they were reading, nothing too difficult. Mr. Burns tossed a fun-sized bag of skittles on the desk next and Meg flinched.

As he went on to explain, they could only eat a skittle when they answered a question, relying heavily on the honor system. Lindsay tore open the bag and dumped them unceremoniously on the desk. Meg risked a glance at her to find Lindsay doing the same and they both quickly looked away. She tried to make eye contact with Ashley, whether to glare or plead for help she wasn’t sure, but she’d made a point to angle herself to where she couldn’t even get a sight of her face.

Lindsay cleared her throat awkwardly and Meg whirled around, properly facing her for the first time in well…a while.

“We should probably get started,” Lindsay said, looking further out of her element than Meg had ever seen her. She was bouncing her pencil between her fingers and only able to look at her for a few seconds before turning back to the paper with the questions. It was a far cry from their eighth grade dynamic, and it made her heart ache a little bit.

“Oh um, yeah, yeah we should,” She managed, cursing herself for sounding just as nervous.

“So…symbolism in the first chapter?”

“It was that weird thing with the clock, right?” Lindsay nodded and wrote it down. Meanwhile, Meg prided herself on actually getting a semi-coherent sentence out, what with all the things she wanted to say but couldn’t.

Lindsay gestured to the scattered group of skittles. “Are the purple ones still your favorite?” She remembered that holy shit.Meg nodded mutely, grabbing one and popping it in her mouth before she said something stupid about how the hell Lindsay remembered the little things about her like that, though to be fair she still knew similar things about Lindsay—

A quick burst of laughter shook her out of it. “I just realized, they kind of match your hair now too.”

Meg laughed too, even if it was a little strained, and lifted a strand of her hair for comparison. “They do!”

“So how much do you wanna bet that these are just Burns’ leftovers from last year?” Lindsay speculated, and they laughed again.

The break in tension was exactly what they needed. There were still awkward pauses and an underlying air of uncomfortableness to the whole thing, but by the time they were going back to their own seats Meg was at least pretty sure that Lindsay didn’t hate her guts.

When she sat back down, Ashley was grinning smugly. “See! I knew you could do it! ”

“Bullshit!” Meg laughed, “You forced me to do that anyway.” She tried to keep her voice low, vaguely worried that Lindsay would overhear without knowing that she really had intended to talk to her, just hadn’t been able to work up the courage.

“I encouraged it, but only because you wanted to talk to her and couldn’t. Now tell me, how was it?” Meg stole a glance at Lindsay, who luckily looked busy with the cell phone in her lap.

“I don’t know. Awkward I guess? It’s been a long time.” It sounded a little sadder out loud than in her head.

“Are you going to try talking to her again?” And there it was, the question of the hour. There was just so much lost time between them, even longer than the time they’d spent as best friends. But even after all that she’d never really stopped missing her. Maybe they could work things out, maybe they couldn’t, but she at least had to try.

“Yeah,” she answered, looking at the redhead in the front row again, “I think I will.”

---

They talked again the next day, just for a minute before class starts, and it was nerve-wracking but also nice to get the chance to spend even a minute amount of time with Lindsay. Meg still has a lot to ask her about, like what the fuck went wrong with their ‘everlasting friendship’ but all of that unpleasant business could wait for a while because now she might just have the chance to have Lindsay back in her life again. The thought of that gave her a terrified sort of thrill.

As far as friendship status went, they were only up to casual greetings in the hallway, but it was already a huge improvement. The darker part of her brain was glad to remind her that it was entirely possible that the whole thing was a joke or that Lindsay would just leave her in the dust again, but she pushed through it. After all, if she’d handled it once she could handle it again, and she was probably just worrying over nothing.

A week after they began talking again, Meg found Ryan waiting next to her car after dismissal.

Forgoing a greeting, he skipped right to, “Alright listen, before you get mad at me just…just remember that this was Ashley’s idea. Sort of.”

Meg sighed, not sure what mess she was about to get into, and waited for Ryan to elaborate.

“So, you know how Lindsay and I hang out sometimes, right?” Meg nodded. “Well we were going to play some Left 4 Dead this weekend with Jack and Geoff, but Jack’s going to be out of town. So I was wondering, uh…maybe you could play with us instead?”

She froze up for a second because wow, there was a pretty big difference between talking a minute or so a day at school and what would likely wind up being hours of interaction. And she didn’t even know Geoff outside of having art with him freshman year, and even then they’d barely spoken. But Ryan seemed excited at the idea, and Ashley was certainly on board too if she’d played a hand in orchestrating it, so she found herself agreeing. “Sure! Online or at somebody’s house?” She internally crossed her fingers in hope for the latter, because if things were going poorly she could always feign her internet going out and not have to deal with it.

“Just online. It’ll probably be Saturday night; I’ll text you the time when I know.” Meg gave an internal cheer at the news and thanked Ryan for the invite before driving home.

She was sure that later she would process what she’d agreed to and freak out, but for now she found herself somewhat excited for it.

---

The second before hitting the call button on skype was horrifically nerve-wracking. She felt so stupid for being nervous, but it couldn’t be helped. Ryan picked up almost immediately and set to work adding everyone else to the call, leaving no time for her to consider backing out.

And then Lindsay introduced Meg to Geoff as her friend, and her heart swelled with warmth. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all.

---

The weekend after they played (and had an amazing time, Meg might add), they did the same thing again. It became a habit all too quickly, the cast of people they played with rotating, but almost always Meg and Lindsay. Deep down she wondered if that was the product of some massive conspirational effort amongst their friends, but she really couldn’t bring herself to care. Any awkward aspects of her and Lindsay’s interactions were slowly breaking away, even if things still got weird sometimes, especially when one of them accidentally referenced something that they did back in eighth grade.

Things were undoubtedly better for them, so much so that she could hardly believe that there had been over two whole years of radio silence between them. It was beyond great to have Lindsay back, even if it wasn’t the same as it had been before. There were still barriers that they didn’t cross. Neither of them swapped numbers, or hung out in person outside of school, and theynever talked about what had happened in ninth grade. Maybe that wasn’t a healthy approach, but it was easier and she was plagued with the fear that if she brought it up Lindsay would just leave again.

---

By the end of September they’d gotten over some of their unspoken boundaries. They texted, albeit rarely, and Meg had even managed to bring up the story of them meeting to a curious Gavin without their conversation ending with tense pauses and strained laughter. They shared more mutual friends than she’d thought, which helped them ease back into properly hanging out.

But really, one of the bigger hurdles was taken care of when they were on their way to their cars after school and Lindsay invited her to the movies out of the blue. She was surprised, but also ecstatic, because now they were finally getting somewhere, somewhere good, and she accepted the offer with a smile.

The movie that they watched was shitty, but the popcorn was good and their whispered commentary was even better. Walking out of the theater, she realized that things were finally falling back into place again.

---

Meg wanted to address the elephant in the room that’d been present ever since they’d become friends again, she really did, but it quickly became apparent that everything went much more smoothly when they just avoided the topic entirely. And there was still that cowardly part of her that was too afraid to breach the topic.

As it turned out, she didn’t need to. They’d gone bowling with Michael and Gavin when in between games Gavin wandered off to who knew where and Michael stepped outside to take a phone call. Lindsay looked nervous all of a sudden, but she still took a seat next to Meg and managed to still her face into a serious expression.

“I want to talk about what happened in ninth grade.”

“Lindsay—“The sudden disappearing act of Gavin and Michael made sense now; Lindsay must have planned it out so she’d get a chance to talk to Meg alone.

“No, seriously, hear me out. I’m tired of having to dance around shit. If we don’t talk about this now then we’re never going to and it’s just going to make it worse.”

Meg swallowed nervously. “Alright uh… yeah. Yeah! Let’s talk about all that.” She hoped that the music blaring overhead helped prevent Lindsay from hearing the nerves in her voice. She’d wanted to have this conversation since the start, but now that it was happening she was petrified that she’d mess it up somehow. Luckily, Lindsay seemed to already have what she wanted to say worked up. Meg was glad; she didn’t think that she could’ve handled leading the conversation.

“So, um….shit, where do I start?” She scrubbed a hand over her mouth and looked down at the floor before sighing and turning back to her. “I just—wow, this was a lot easier when I was thinking about it instead of actually doing it.” She laughed, high and nervous, and Meg winced in sympathy. “I thought that you hated me for a really long time, after I left. And maybe you did, I’m not sure, but at least I know that you don’t hate me now, and you have no idea how scared I am that I’m going to mess this up again. ” Meg almost told her that she did have an idea, because she shared that same fear, but she stayed silent to let Lindsay finish. “It’s my fault that things went to shit between us.” Meg opened her mouth to protest, already trying to formulate ways to say that she’d given up too in the end, but Lindsay just shook her head and kept barreling on. “It was, you can’t deny that. And I didn’t mean to, I swear, we just kept drifting further apart and I didn’t think that you even wanted me in your life anymore so I just sort of—yeah.”

“Can I talk now?” Lindsay sighed and nodded, suddenly very interested in some detail behind Meg, seeming unable to look her in the eyes. She instinctively put a hand on Lindsay’s shoulder. “It was both of our faults, not just yours. And hey, things are better now. We can get past those shitty couple of years.” Someone a few lanes down from them got a strike and cheered loudly, breaking the moment. Lindsay smiled at her, relieved, and that was the end of the matter. Lindsay typed out a quick text and within a minute Michael and Gavin were making their way back over to them, only further confirming Meg’s assumption that the whole thing had been more or less planned out beforehand.

She was sure that later she would have to take a moment to process that they’d actually talked about the things that they hadn’t even dared to mention before, but for then she was more than content to enjoy the banter bouncing back and forth between the four of them and talk some shit because there was no fucking way that Michael should’ve gotten that spare—

It felt natural, but still not like their friendship in middle school, which she was glad for. In a lot of ways, it felt like something entirely new.

---

Two weeks after their brief heart-to-heart, they had a proper sleepover. It was at Lindsay’s house, just like old times. They found themselves locked in a Mario Party tournament almost immediately, playing until their cheeks hurt from laughing and they were kicked out of the living room. From there they watched shitty soap operas on Lindsay’s laptop until they’d been up so late that the sky was beginning to lighten.

The whole thing flew by faster than Meg could have imagined. It wasn’t until Lindsay was fast asleep beside her, Meg not far behind, that it sunk in that she truly had Lindsay back. It had been such a long, shitty process of losing her that she’d never even dared to picture a future where they were friends again.

At the start of the school year they’d been reduced to little more than strangers. But now, now she was sharing a bed with her like they were middle-schoolers again after a night of practically non-stop laughter. And even if she did have plenty of other friends now, it was still such a relief to have Lindsay again too and no longer have to carry around the baggage of trying to forget her.

Meg started to smile, and then she fell asleep.

---

“So, what are you and Lindsay doing this weekend?” Ashley asked as she walked with Meg and Ryan to their only collectively shared class, math.

“Ice skati—Wait, how did you know we were hanging out?” Ashley just shook her head and Ryan chuckled.

“It’s a pretty safe assumption,” he chimed in, “you two practically always hang out on the weekends.”

Meg rolled her eyes. “No way, I hang out with you guys on weekends too! And it’s not every weekend—“Ryan raised an eyebrow.

“And your voice doesn’t raise an octave when you talk about hanging out with us” Ashely sing-songed, earning a halfhearted glare from Meg. They thankfully dropped the topic as they reached class, but she found herself turning the conversation over in her head over and over. Was she really becoming that predictable? And was Lindsay of all people really garnering the higher-voice reaction out of her? She’d have to get a second opinion on that.

------

In retrospect, Lindsay had no idea why she’d thought that ice skating would be a good idea. She didn’t even know how to skate for starters, and she also hadn’t expected the ice rink to be as awfully cold as it was. She felt like an idiot for assuming she’d just warm up while she skated or something, but if there was a silver lining to be had, at least the rink wasn’t too crowded.

Meg looked to be having a fantastic time though, wearing an almost permanent smile, so she really couldn’t bring herself to mind. Despite highlighting her distinct lack of ice skating experience on the ride over she really wasn’t half bad. At any rate she was doing better than Lindsay, who had yet to move more than a few feet from the wall.

They were only half an hour in by the time Lindsay had decided that she had officially reached the levels of freezing to where she could give Frosty the Snowman a run for his money. Meg was doing circles around the rink now, occasionally dragging Lindsay around by the arm. She flagged her down as she approached, immediately shoving the hand she’d used to wave back into her pockets to warm it back up.

“Are you cold?” Were the first words out of Meg’s mouth, like she was some kind of psychic. Well, it was probably pretty obvious, especially since Lindsay had had the bright idea of not even bringing a proper jacket with her. Trying to dodge the I-told-you-so, she just nodded.

Meg laughed. “I knew it! I was just waiting for you to admit it.” She skated up to the wall next to Lindsay. “Here, take my hoodie.” Lindsay didn’t even have the chance to protest before Meg was handing it over and she automatically put it on.

She could feel the lingering coldness on her skin dissipate almost instantly, the hoodie still warm from Meg wearing it. Meg gave a quick appraising glance and seemed to approve of the hoodie on Lindsay before grinning. “Maybe if you actually skate instead of wall-crawl you wouldn’t be so cold!” She giggled and skated off.

“Is that a challenge?” Lindsay called after her, one hand on the wall to keep her steady. The only response she got was a quick shit-eating grin from Meg, already making the first turn towards another lap. Lindsay was about to follow, but opted to take a second to appreciate the hoodie by burrowing her face into the sleeve. It was soft, and the smell was indescribably but unmistakably Meg’s. The moment was fleeting and before she knew it she was teetering as fast as she could across the ice to catch up with Meg.

From that point on, there was an unspoken agreement that the hoodie had a new owner, because Lindsay sure as hell was not prepared to return it and Meg seemed too pleased by it to care.

-------

Snow was rare where they lived. So much so that when they got just a few inches over the first night of winter break, it caused a huge fuss. The next logical course of action after watching everyone scramble to buy milk and eggs was obviously to all make the trek to Geoff’s house for a snowball fight.

Meg had never been over to his place before, but Ryan was kind enough to share the address and the snow plows had already taken care of the major roads, so she arrived bright and early to what could only described as barely controlled chaos.

Geoff had a sizable front lawn, but even with the surface area advantage there just wasn’t that much snow left. That wasn’t stopping the half dozen or so odd teenagers engaged in snowy warfare though. Whatever snow hadn’t gone to projectiles was haphazardly shoved into passable covers to duck behind, leaving only a thin layer of slush over the grass. There weren’t really teams by the looks of it, just nebulous groups of everything from cooperation to utter betrayal. She snickered as she watched Geoff dump a fistful of ice down Gavin’s shirt before going to find Lindsay.

The redhead was camped out behind a row of sheet-covered bushes, locked in a fierce exchange with Michael and Jeremy. Meg took a snowball to the leg and another to the shoulder just in order to reach her.

“Oh hey, good to see you!” Lindsay said, only glancing at Meg for a second before turning back to squint at Jeremy, who had a gigantic snowball in hand. “Care to join the fight? I have to protect my kingdom.” She gestured vaguely to the frozen shrubbery. “It’s under renovation.” And then, quieter, “Also, Gavin bet twenty bucks that I’d lose so,”

Meg laughed and bent down to make a snowball of her own, only to have one whiz past her head as soon as she popped up to throw it. She shrieked at the spike of adrenaline and Lindsay stepped in front of her, throwing her own snowball and catching Jeremy right in the neck. “I shall protect you, milady!” Lindsay declared and Meg giggled, wrapping her arms around her from behind to let her act as a human shield.

It was cute that she was getting so into a little snowball fight, Meg thought idly, and she hummed contentedly into Lindsay’s back. Something about the moment resonated warmly within her and she felt a rush of happiness.

A second later, it hit her. I like Lindsay. I like Lindsay a lot.

Fuck.

I might even love her.

---

Lindsay left to stay with family in another state for the holidays, scheduled to come back home the day before New Year’s. At first Meg was relieved, because she still really needed to process her whole ‘oh shit I fell in love’ revelation and now she was over-analyzing too much, trying to determine whether or not Lindsay might feel the same way. Christmas kept her busy enough that she didn’t have to dwell on it too much, but once it passed she was screwed. The only people she considered sharing her dilemma with were Ryan and Ashley, but they were busy with their own affairs and she didn’t want to make a big deal out of what could amount to nothing.

-------

“It’s all just such bullshit.” Michael grumbled out of nowhere. Lindsay’s internet connection at her cousin’s house was spotty at best, and for a second she assumed that it had cut out and she’d missed something. But Michael continued on, set on his rant that had come out of seemingly nowhere. “I mean, how the fuck do high school romances even work? They just break it off and everyone’s collateral damage. And even if it does pan out, what the hell do you do when college starts? Some people don’t go at all, some go halfway across the fucking country, it just doesn’t work!” Lindsay let him vent it all out, knowing by then that if she pried he’d just deny whatever was upsetting him.

He carried on for a few more minutes, worrying her until she was able to figure out that it stemmed from two of his friends breaking up and not from something that directly included him. It was still shitty, but it was better than her having to try to play video-chat counselor, a role that she honestly did not enjoy.

But even whenever the conversation shifted, there was still a thought nagging her. When he’d talked about the college situation, her first impulse had been to say, “But we’re both planning on going to college in-state.”

She didn’t even want to start thinking through the implications of what she’d almost said. Besides, Michael had put it perfectly. High school romances only wound up hurting everybody involved in the end.

------

New Year’s Eve found Meg next to Lindsay, the two of them mingling their way through a party at Joel’s house. If she was honest, Meg had never met the guy, but his parties had good food and decent reputations and she’d wanted something more interesting to do than sit around at home all night and make sure her dog didn’t go ballistic at the fireworks again.

It wasn’t a formal gathering by any stretch, but it hadn’t devolved into a wasteland of booze and bad decisions either, so in her books it wasn’t all that bad. She didn’t know most of the guests but she’d also somehow managed to forget that Lindsay kneweverybody, so she just stuck close to her and introduced herself to whoever Lindsay stopped to say hello to.

The two of them hadn’t gotten to see each other since Lindsay had left, and the residual happiness from reuniting with her, even after just a few days, improved her mood tenfold. God, she was in deep. But what the hell, it was a party and she was very much enjoying talking with and being led by the arm by Lindsay all over the house, so she let herself dwell on it a bit. If only it had been a Christmas party, maybe there would’ve been some mistletoe. The thought sent a little thrill through her, because the whole crush on a friend thing was new and honestly a little unwanted, but the idea of kissing her suddenly sounded very appealing.

Someone had found the speakers it seemed, because the music was suddenly blaring through the house and getting louder by the minute. It was toeing the line of tolerable but she was too preoccupied with constantly checking her watch to see how much time she had left to make a move in order to possibly have someone to kiss when the clock struck midnight.

Ten minutes till, she finally got her chance. She and Lindsay had stepped outside for a bit, mainly because the music was starting to give them headaches. Even out in the backyard they could hear it pulsating through the house. It was a wonder that no one had filed a noise complaint yet.

There was a lull in their conversation and Meg rocked on the balls of her feet nervously, trying to find the right words. There were some guys closer to the house lining up some little bottle rockets to shoot off and Lindsay was watching them idly. Her words failed her and she bit her lip before tapping Lindsay on the shoulder.

It wasn’t often that she took stock of their height difference but now with their sudden proximity she felt it more than ever. “So…it’s almost midnight.” As she spoke her breath billowed out in clouds.

“Yeah um…it is. Is everything okay? You look like something’s bothering you—“

Her final thought before saying it was a ‘fuck it, why not’ which probably wasn’t the best approach but then, “Kiss me at midnight?” was hanging in the air between them. Lindsay seemed to be having trouble processing it and Meg’s chest ached as she watched Lindsay take a few steps backwards. Emotions were flickering over her face too chaotically for her to read and she panicked, feeling like she had to let Lindsay know that she was serious. “Linds, it’s fine if you don’t want to but—but you’re really important to me. I don’t know if you feel the same way but I—“

Lindsay turned on one heel in an instant and practically fled back towards the house. For a moment Meg was too stunned to realize what was happening, and by the time she did it was too late to call out after her.

The air felt unbearably cold all of a sudden and she shivered, wrapping her arms tightly around herself.

She was still standing there when the clock ticked past midnight and all the fireworks were set off, the bitter taste of an ‘I love you’ left unsaid stuck in her mouth.

------

It had been five days, five days, and Lindsay still didn’t know what the fuck to do. She was avoiding Meg like the plague, a feat easier said than done when they shared a class and several mutual friends who all probably wanted to kick her ass after what’d happened on New Years. Hell, she’d kick her own ass if she could.

The problem was, she couldn’t even say what had happened. Things had been fine, better than fine, until suddenly Meg wanted to kiss her and might have even said that she loved her, unless Lindsay was just making hasty assumptions out of her memories.

She had just kept thinking about her conversation with Michael, just over and over in the few seconds that she’d stood there. It just doesn’t work. She cared too much about Meg to risk losing her again but she’d lacked the courage to stay and try to explain that, so now she was left completely in the dark on what was going through Meg’s head and even more confused about her ownfeelings. There was a question that she couldn’t get out of her head, what would’ve happened if she’d said yes?

------

To say that Meg felt like a piece of shit would have been one hell of an understatement. Maybe she’d just been projecting, but in the days leading up to New Year’s she’d just been so sure that there had at least been something there. Now she just felt like an idiot because she’d only managed to have Lindsay back for a few months before she drove her away again.

Her new year had gotten off to what was probably one of the worst starts possible. Going back to school was rough; Lindsay hadn’t so much as glanced in her direction since the moment she’d left her standing in the cold and she couldn’t shake the awful feeling that Lindsay despised her. The slow fadeout in ninth grade had hurt, but it was nothing compared to having her in her life again only to be ripped away.

On their first Wednesday back, Lindsay walked into class wearing Meg’s hoodie, the one that she’d given her at the ice skating rink. And Meg had never cried over the whole mess, but the sight of Lindsay looking crumpled and miserable in the hoodie she’d used to look so happy in brought the telltale prickle to the corners of her eyes and she rushed out of class and to the bathroom.

When she got back, eyes red and watery, the hoodie was sitting neatly folded on her desk.

---

Just like the years before, it got easier not to miss Lindsay the longer she was gone. It hurt like hell, but as the days stretched into a month without a shred of communication with her it gradually eased up. She had Ashley and Ryan this time around too, and thank goodness for them, because they’d taken the whole situation in stride and helped however they could.

------

One month, two weeks, and a day (not that she was counting), after she’d ran away from Meg, she finally felt like she had her shit well enough together to talk to her. It’d taken a lot of honesty with herself and tough love from her friends, but she’d gotten there. And boy, did she really regret running, because she may have ruined her only shot at taking a chance on the whole ‘high school romance’ thing, fears of its potential catastrophic end notwithstanding. Because hey, at the end of the day and no matter how pessimistic the sentiment, she couldn’t fuck things up worse than she already had.

------

Meg was so nervous that she could barely knock on Lindsay’s door. She’d been given the invitation to come over and have the talk they should’ve had much sooner via Michael, who had apparently volunteered as the messenger between them ‘until they got their shit sorted out.’

Lindsay opened the door and led her to her room without saying a word. Meg stayed silent as well, growing increasingly terrified that Lindsay would do something drastic, like shout or scream.

Instead, she sighed and sat down on the edge of her bed. Meg cautiously sat down next to her. “Meg, I am so fucking sorry.” she said softly, eyes pointed towards the floor. Meg was painfully reminded of Lindsay’s apology at the bowling alley and her inability to look her in the eyes. “I didn’t know what to say so I ran off, and then it just…I just kept trying to avoid it entirely.”

“Lindsay it’s okay, really. I understand if you don’t feel the same way, it’s fine—“

“No!” Meg flinched at the sudden outburst and Lindsay looked a little sheepish. “Sorry, um, what I meant was that I don’t…I never said that I didn’t feel the same way. I just had to work that out on my own, you know? But I was so shitty, and I’m sorry I shouldn’t have ignored you for so long because I really, really care about you and I miss you and—“

“Shut up.” Lindsay looked terrified for a moment, but relaxed when she saw that Meg was smiling now, practically grinning from ear to ear. Meg knew that one conversation wasn’t going to be a magical fix-all for the issues that they still needed to work through, but she couldn’t help but be overjoyed to hear that Lindsay did feel the same way. Seeming to come to the same conclusion as Meg, Lindsay smiled too.

“…Happy New Year?” Lindsay tried, and then she pulled Meg in for a kiss. It was sweet and felt far too short for her liking.

They still had a lot of things to talk about but for the moment the kiss held promise, that they could work things out and let themselves have this.

She’d been wrong back in the end of eighth grade when she’d thought that she and Lindsay’s friendship had been the closest thing to perfect, because right here and now was pretty fucking amazing.

“You’re cute,” Meg said when she noticed the blush tinting Lindsay’s cheeks.

Lindsay just laughed and pulled her in for another kiss.

#Ragehappy #TurnTugg #willowsandwonders #joelhymen #rhss15

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