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league-of-light · 7 years ago

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Week 1 Power Rankings

Last year I half-attempted to give you an around the league update email with some quality content. However, I was wildly inconsistent and we received some negative feedback from some of our readers who seemed to appreciate the content but wanted it on a more consistent basis. At GuyCorp and Feldman Joke Co., we strive for quality and reliability, so let's get started.

Plenty of teams that were considered among the top contenders before the season didn’t look great in Week 1. It’s tough to sort out what will stick from the season openers and what will prove to be a one-week aberration, but let’s try as we get into the post-Week 1 power rankings. Ranking and analysis by Dylan, with color commentary and photos from yours truly:

12. Eternal Dalmatian (0-1)

The score doesn't tell the whole story here, and there are reasons for optimism. Bad kicker luck, bad performance from a usually solid defense, and absolutely nothing from Eifert led to a combined negative 1.1 from those spots, where they'd usually score 20+. Still, they scored under 58 points. That's bad.

Woof buddy. For awhile it looked like you were going to make league history with our lowest score ever, but you couldn't even get that. It doesn't look like it's going to get much better this week against Harnsowl.

11. And You Find Geoffrey (0-1)

And you find Geoffrey, and you find Geoffrey, and you find Geoffrey

This team couldn't find Geoffrey or the endzone this week. Sorry, Evan.

10. Team Calm Down Will (1-0)

This ranking looks low for a winning team. However, they have Blake Bortles at QB, David Johnson is out for the foreseeable future, and it's hard to imagine Mike Gillislee and Adam Theilen being top 5 players at their respective positions all year. This team was 9th in scoring this week, and it will probably get worse from here.

Things were looking good for Arielle here, but the problem is that David Johnson is now gone for quite awhile and she doesn't have a starting running back. I'd pity the loss of David Johnson for you Arielle, but your cruel boy toy Blake Bortles decided to slap Allen Robinson's knee shortly after he tore ACL. This is karmic retribution. Bortles did this to you.

9. Harper? I hardly know'er (0-1)

Much like Farmer Ahab Blubber Nuggets, the fact that they're not even lower shows how terrible the NFL is. With Luck looking like he'll be out for an extended period of time and Meredith still out for the season, this team is in a rough spot. Still, Doug Martin will come back eventually, and they were the #5 scoring team this week without Luck or Martin.

Despite drafting a team of nearly exclusively players named Jordan, and picking up Josh Gordon somewhere along the way, Dylan managed to put up more points than 7 members of the league. I don't know what that says, either his wizardry is back, he's secretly Tom and running 2 teams, or we all suck.

8. Lakewood Denny's Diners (0-1)

With Zeke coming back and playing decently, this should have looked like a top 3 team. Instead, they were in the bottom 3 in scoring. The receivers are a bit of a train wreck (@Bryan) until Snead comes back. Still, with Murray, Zeke, and Rodgers, there's clear talent and ability here. There's a pretty clear argument for ranking them higher, but let's see them break 85 points first.

The Denny Diners will be fine, Bowers was league champ last year despite my horrible end of season trade. Expect the reigning champ to climb up the rankings next week, and put up about as many points as there are calories in a Denny's Grand Slam.

7. Bilali Pop Guild (0-1)

Weird week for this team. They didn't score much and they lost, but nobody really had an exceptionally good or bad week, and just by avoiding catastrophe they rate pretty highly. Everything about this team looks mediocre, and this ranking reflects that.

Samantha's star players accidentally got lost on the Yellowbrick Road. The Bilalipop Guild did not have the sweetest debut, but there's plenty of talent on this team. I also kind of had a big mancrush on Ty Montgomery last year and believe in the kid (There may be a tad bit of bias, but that's why Dylan is here).

6. Farmer Ahab's Blubber Nuggets (1-0)

This feels a bit high for a team that lost Allen Robinson for the season, but that should be a good reminder that football is terrible, fantasy football is terrible, and we're idiots for continuing to play it. They won, which has value. Still, tough to see a team riding 3 RB's to victory most weeks moving forward, and Todd Gurley had the benefit of facing a fake football team this week.

This ranking is brought to you by Stefon Diggs, now a proud brand ambassador of Farmer Ahab's Blubber Nuggets. Who needs Sammy Watkins when you have Stefon Diggs and Todd Gurley, they're chewy!

5. Team Kate (0-1)

A rough week 1, but Tom Brady and AJ Green aren't suddenly terrible. Much like their namesake, we expect them to bounce back from their harrowing experience rather nicely.

Damn, Dylan brought the house down with this short and sweet one, I've got nothing to add other than the photo above.

4. Wentzel's Pretzels (1-0)

Horrific performances by the bench make the depth here a concern, and Austin Hooper probably isn't the white Tony Gonzalez (note: I don't actually know if Austin Hooper is white). Hurt by a dumb team name that likely will try to cause his team to throw some games.

Dylan's always been more of an Auntie Anne's Pretzels kinda guy. I believe in Wentz this year he's looking like the truth, but last year he also looked hot in the beginnig. Hot like an Auntie Anne's pretzel. This ranking is sponsored by Auntie Anne's Pretzels, they're chewy!

3. Primo Content (1-0)

Got some primo performances from Leonard Fournette and the Rams D against fake teams thus week; these likely won't continue, but there's still a solid team left over.

This team might be looking Optimus Primo this week, but without any acknowledgment they're sounding more like Bumblebee (cause Bumblebee can't talk in the movies, and cause Phil can't talk in the chat right now, get it? Don't listen to me, I thought Transformers Last Knight looked cool and if I had MoviePass back then probably would've seen the movie.)

2. Watch Me Not TV (1-0)

The two owners impacted by hurricanes are the top two in the power rankings. Coincidence, sympathy from our kind commissioner, or a plot by the lamestream media to distract us from realizing that Bonesaw's defeat was an inside job?

^ Kareem's face when he heard the other 8 players on Nico's team combined only put up 20 more points than he did alone. If you ask me, Watch Me Not TV is a pretty solid candidate for “most disappointing Week 1 team” (sorry Nico, plz don't murder me in DnD).

1. Walsh Me Nae Nae (1-0)

Great first week, but it's hard to imagine the Jaguars D repeating that performance

Normally I'd use this time to ask you to donate to Irma relief funds here, but instead, I'm planning a "Rescue Walsh from his 2014 Bunker" Telethon. Just like Kimmy Schmidt, this team is looked unbreakable in their Week 1 debut.

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junker-town · 7 years ago

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THIS WEEK IN SCHADENFREUDE: When Texas A&M snatched THIS WEEK IN SCHADENFREUDE honors from Texas

The Aggies didn’t just blow a 34-point lead. They also ruined what had been a delightful weekend of laughing at Texas and Baylor. Here was the online meltdown.

Texas A&M was winning its Week 1 game against UCLA, one day after former conference rivals Texas and Baylor had lost upsets.

Mood: Aggies http://pic.twitter.com/5NsqmCXF3h

— SB Nation GIF (@SBNationGIF) September 4, 2017

Texas A&M blew a 34-point lead and lost.

Texas: What a terrible opener Baylor: Hold my beer A&M: lololololololololol y’all ain’t seen nothin'

— TexAgs (@TexAgs) September 4, 2017

That fake-spike touchdown happened after the clock was already stopped.

Sumlin just made all of the shit I talked to UT invalid

— Jack R. Landingham (@KINGGJACK) September 4, 2017

Let’s check in and see how Aggies fans responded afterward.

A literal university regent immediately announced he intends to vote for Kevin Sumlin’s firing.

I'm sure I may be criticized for this post but I honestly don't care. I've been on the Board of Regents for the A&M System for almost seven years. During that time, I've not once commented on Kevin Sumlin and his performance during his tenure at our school. I never said a word when he and his agent manipulated a much bigger and longer contract. I said nothing about his arrogance and his mishandling of multiple player controversies. I said nothing when we had multiple awesome recruiting classes, only to see key players leave our school or underperform. But tonight I am very disappointed and I have to say this. Kevin Sumlin was out-coached tonight, which isn't new. He recruits well, but can't coach the big games, or the close games. Our players were better tonight. Our players were more talented tonight. But our coaches were dominated on national TV, yet again. I'm only one vote on the Board of Regents but when the time comes my vote will be that Kevin Sumlin needs to GO. In my view he should go now. We owe it to our school and our players. We can do better.

Share this as you see fit.

Shortly after that, the popular Aggie message board at TexAgs broke.

Live look at our site. Nice work, everyone. http://pic.twitter.com/4PIIlXBm72

— TexAgs (@TexAgs) September 4, 2017

Once the site was back up, the vibe was as follows.

Checking in on TexAgs... http://pic.twitter.com/gGfXlf0svy

— Jake Trotter (@Jake_Trotter) September 4, 2017

THREAD: “Legitimate Business Opportunity”

All,

With the inevitable collapse of Aggie football this year I would like to personally invite all of you to get in on the ground floor of my new up and coming business.

We will be selling tarps, similar to the ones at Baylor, to cover unsold seats for upcoming home games.

Kyle Field is a beautiful place and I would hate for the appeal to be ruined by empty seats. So join me in my quest to monopolize the college station tarp business and make Kevin Sumlin type money.

All name suggestions will be considered.

THREAD: “Not letting A&M ruin college football for me”

Instead of just giving up on college football because our season is over, I'm planning to just be a college football fan until Sumlin is fired. I hope we go 11-1 from here on out, but I'm not going to spend any time watching this team. I'm going to watch as much college football as I can, without all the normal thoughts that go through my head while watching games (ex/ is this good for A&M, etc), and just be a fan. We'll see how it goes.

The first reply:

Congratulations!

And the second:

We're all f'ed.

For so many reasons, my favorite current TexAgs thread is “Go Get Major Applewhite”

— Dan Wolken (@DanWolken) September 4, 2017

THREAD: “Things we could have bought with Sumlin’s salary this year”:

1. Twenty-five Lamborghini's

2. A really nice house

3. Ten private shows by Katy Perry

4. Seven Waffle Houses

5. 270,000,000 Skittles

Any one of those would have given us equal chance at beating UCLA.

THREAD: “Land Kiffin”

THREAD: “Ruined the TV remote”

THREAD: “SUMLIN SHOULD RESIGN”

ANY MAN WITH AN OUNCE OF SELF RESPECT AND LOVE FOR ALL THINGS GOOD AND HOLY WOULD RESIGN AFTER THAT.

FIRE. SUMLIN.

THREAD “OFFICIAL MELTDOWN THREAD”

Fire Sumlin and make him pay for his own plane ticket home. Mond needs to change positions.

I believe you described the "bargaining" stage of grief ... You have progressed passed the denial and anger stages which is good. Next is depression which will be tough. Let me know if you need someone to talk you through it.

The Aggies forum at 247Sports looked on the bright side.

THREAD: “well, let us and horns laugh at each other and feel better”

Horns lost to maryland in all aspects and we lost 34 point lead. we can all laugh at each other now and feel better about selfs.

THREAD: “It's okay guys we covered the spread”

National Champs in Moral Victories

THREAD: “My Saturdays just got wide open”

I didn't think it was possible, but I think I'm done watching or caring about A&M football for the foreseeable future. I came into this season about as unexcited as I've ever been for a football season and they just crushed my spirit in one half. I don't even know how to describe this feeling.

Things were not much better at AggieYell.com.

There is, of course, a GoFundMe to buy out Sumlin’s contract.

It’s well short of its $10 million goal, but it’s still early.

Let's not wait any longer. Let's buyout his contract ASAP. This inexcusable. On the bright side, if for some reason he doesn't get fired, we can use the money to buyout AD Woodward' s contact. Worse case, we'll donate it to BTHO Harvey relief efforts. Maybe we could hire Mattress Mac!

Here’s some of what happened at SB Nation’s A&M blog, Good Bull Hunting.

It looks like the Aggies will cover the spread here

— Good Bull Hunting (@GBHunting) September 4, 2017

One author was able to look on the bright side:

Texas A&M is back!

The Fightin’ Texas Aggies shocked the nation on Saturday with a display of running game domination never before seen by the UCLA Bruins. Texas A&M’s top three runners, RB Trayveon Williams, RB Keith Ford, and QB Kellen Mond combined for a staggering 371 yards and 5 touchdowns on the ground. Combined with an early defensive strategy that was aggressive and opportunistic, it is no surprise that A&M amassed 38 points in the first half alone against an opponent who was favored to win by 4.

The Aggies lost, obviously.

From a choose-your-own-adventure:

Chapter 1: This is Incredibly Easy

You are standing next to a field with a 34-point lead and 4:08 remaining in the 3rd quarter. You have assembled a masterpiece. The powerful running game you devised is matched only by the intensity of your defense.

Should you run down the play clock before snapping?

Yes.

No, we should snap the ball quickly because... identity?

Congratulations! You successfully completed the "protect a 34 point lead" scen- ... wait, what? Okay, you have decided not to run down the play clock.

If you click on “yes”:

A commenter requested a Kiffining:

A&M needs to offset this embarrassment with a fireinf

Fire the coaches tonight. On The tarmac at easterwood.

And a Texas fan stopped by:

Horns fan here. Holy #%@^

I don’t know which was worse, probably the Horns loss. But, this is why you should play the Horns, at least one of us would win a game.

Unbelievable.

Let’s check in on Reddit.

#Tradition? http://pic.twitter.com/1DGjoEH4qb

— RedditCFB (@RedditCFB) September 4, 2017

When an Aggie asked an Atlanta Falcons fan about what happens next:

At R/Aggies, the No. 2 post from the last month was when Texas lost. The No. 1 post arrived hours later.

The comments under the game story on AggieSports.com should not be turned into an A&M recruiting meme.

Surely you weren't fooled into thinking they had stopped playing in the Aggie tradition. A&M is where top high school players go to become chokers and previously successful coaches go to see their career ended. Some things NEVER change. At the end of the year when we fire Sumlin and hire another sucker it still won't change.

At halftime, Texas A&M’s Facebook page posted this graphic.

Other Facebookers pined for the glory days of Dennis Franchione ...

The Aggies have always left their fanbase disappointed and yes occasionally embarrassed. They stooped to a unbelievable new low and it's all Sumlin. God I thought no one could out do Fran, congrats Summy, YOU WIN!

... and R.C. Slocum.

only a moron can repetitively lose season after season,while in a commanding lead,and only a moronic athletic director and department cant see it,why dont you just bring back RC Sloacombe so we can all predict the plays instead of just the outcome.

If Sumlin is still the head coachin the morning I won’t watch the rest of the season.

Call Scott Woodward, Director of Athletics, Phone: 979-845-5129

Tell him that Sumlin has to go.

But the finale post was even rowdier.

Other Facebook statuses were equally aggrieved, including several calling for the team to just attempt coachlessness.

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Fire Kevin Sumlin now! IDC if we don't have a coach the rest of the year....

Posted by Rick Wilk on Sunday, September 3, 2017

Dear Texas A&M: Please fire Kevin Sumlin tonight. We will play just as good without a coach. Disgustedly, Football fans

Posted by Linda McFarland on Sunday, September 3, 2017

This isn’t how a firing works.

It would be good bull to fire Kevin Sumlin and donate his buyout money to a Harvey charity

Posted by Chris Elam on Sunday, September 3, 2017

Fire Kevin Sumlin .... he couldn't coach if he owned a bus company.

Posted by Lincoln Terrell on Monday, September 4, 2017

On Twitter, some people have changed their names to calls for Sumlin’s firing.

The comments under a TexAgs Facebook post of Sumlin’s presser delved into the real issues ...

... such as Sumlin being bad at unfucking situations with his hands ...

1 thing I noticed that was telling was Sumlin was engaged and hands on with his players in the first half, especially the line. The 2nd half he had a pure lack of emotion or fire. He always does this, when the game goes sideways he has no words or physical movements to fire his players up and re focus. He often states blankly into the nearest scoreboard as to wait for a response from the screen to tell him how to unfuck the situation. The only way to describe it is when you watch a war movie and the bullets are flying, explosions everywhere, people dying and there is that 1 soldier who just goes into shock and another soldier has to make him come to reality and get back in the fight... a&m doesn't have a veteran soldier to get our shell shocked coaches head back in the game unfortunately...

... as well as all the rap music and chewing gum, two things Josh Rosen clearly took advantage of during those fourth quarter drives ...

Sumlin will loose the teams focus now for the rest of the year. 4-8 season. Receivers suck. Kirk is good. The OL and DL played hard. I didn't see them give up. But they played with the plays they were given. Why not just run the ball. Didn't play tight ends. Didn't work with clock. I'm beyond frustrated. That game was in the bag. Coaches let them score 35 damn points! How does that happen? He threw Mond out on national TV to figure it out... he shouldn't have been put in that position. Hubenak should have been brought in as soon as Mond couldn't get the ball moving. The arrogance of Sumlin. If I could get my season pass money back I WOULD!

Time to have discipline!

Lack of discipline. Where to start?

-No more uniform changes.

-No more rap music at practice.. I see a lot of dancing around.

-No more celebrating before the clock says 00:00. Shouldn't have been celebrating on the first damn play!

-No more kids disrespecting the head coach on the sideline.

-No more chewing gum on the sideline Sumlin.

To be a winning team you need a head coach like Saban. He would never allow the above to happen.

I'm so damn pissed I can't even think straight!

... and the entire rest of the coaching staff, lest we only fire Sumlin ...

As bad as Sumlin is i can't beleive nobody is calling for Chevis head....what has this guy brought to ATM? He got destroyed by Tennessee Alabama, LSU and now UCLA.....Chevis and Sumlin are horrible coaches.....I imagine that Sumlin won't be here by next weekend....

... and goodness, do these Aggies hate chewing gum or what?

The coaches lost that game for the entire team, in the second half! How can you allow a team to score 30+ points while you stand on the side line smacking your bubblegum & do nothing about it??? Sumlin needs to stay in cali!

And finally, from the Sumlin presser Facebook comments, one spouse who’s ... well ...

My hubby was at the lake all afternoon/evening, and kept his phone off so he wouldn't know what happened.

This is from my mother.

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