#will my gangstalking ever fucking go away when I have an actual honest to fuck in-person stalker now!?

[finsterhund]

Jesus fucking christ the creepy neighbor situation somehow gets worse.

So I've been too scared to leave the house on my own, this fucker has set back over five years of work on my progress with agoraphobia. Swear to fuck. But turns out she has been biding her time watching my roommate take Scott out for several days. She's obviously aware of how the schedule was Scott's evening walks at 9PM. She waited until today before doing anything, which is a smart move if she assumed I'd feel comfortable going back to doing it after several days, and then come 9PM she had her door wide open and was HIDING, STANDING THERE JUST INSIDE HER FUCKING ENTRYWAY SILENTLY WAITING as if to fucking pounce on me if I was alone. We were going to the grocery store and thus changing up the routine and when she saw I wasn't alone walking Scott she immediately went and shut her door when we got in the car. Fucking christ. I am so legitimately distressed by this. I cannot stress this enough she had her door wide open and was HIDING in such a blind spot that I didn't see her except from behind and out of the corner of my eye when I quickly walked past.

So yeah. My roommate is now going to walk Scott for the foreseeable future. This fucker is 100% trying to catch me alone and vulnerable for confrontations. This is a worse version of what she did when she harassed me a few days ago.

I know I shouldn't be scared. I could easily win in a life or death altercation. But my PTSD brain and such doesn't work that way.

I am scared to be in my own fucking home outside my own front door going to walk my dog or do laundry. Roommate suggests I go to the laundry building at 4AM. I don't even think that will work.

This is causing me so much psychological harm I am just beside myself.

We are going on a camping trip in September and afterwards I will be visiting my friend in Alberta and I am so fucking looking forward to being away from this deranged fucker for even just a little while. Want to move so fucking bad. I hate it here. Everything is either a painful memory of my beloved Cazza or a source of impending doom and danger. Want to fucking die. What kind of depraved cunt does this!?

I am fully anticipating mail tampering and laundry tampering may become an issue also. Would not put it past this fucker.

[consciousgrowth]

Anyone wanna have a talk about my "paranoia" I need a guide and I need to know what's going on. I have an idea about how you'd pull off a mass practical joke, for lack of a better term, I need an honest conversation about this. I need it.

I'll address some stuff

1. Work/school: obviously it started when I was a pot head looking to just smoke more pot. It was late acting teenage rebellion. I fucked my head up with conspiracy theories and tried to push it onto other people. Once that phase of my life was done (ie when my parents gave me an ultimatum to get a job or leave) I worked as hard as I possibly could for year. And the paranoia was around way before that job. But I don't know if it was just people making fun of me behind my back (like I used to do.... Thanks mom) because when I would ask about a reality check, I was always told that I'm imagining it or overthinking it. To this day I've started living by the belief that as soon as I say it out loud, everyone knows about it..... Anyway, then I started to call out of work due to exhaustion not just from the physical work but also from the constant gangstalking, mind reading, synchronicities, and an acknowledgement through media that it was a real phenomena. AND I TOLD DOCTORS ABOUT IT AND GOT NO HELP. IMPLYING THEY KNEW IT WAS ALL REAL WORLD THINGS I WAS EXPERIENCING AND CHOSE NOT TO HELP ME. that or they didn't believe me. And could some of it be pure coincidence? Sure, but absolutely not all of it.

It exhausted me but I kept trying to go in in hopes it would stop. But that seemed like it was going to be my punishment for every little wrong doing (reflecting how I used to treat people)

It's been 6 years and I admit some of the days off were for personal enjoyment, but most weren't. I was burnt out from all the constant negative thoughts,and any time I was happy,I would be ripped out of it by "paranoia" and guilt. Most days home were to hide away from those things. Any interaction I have with people is instantly tense.

I'm not lying when I say I want to die because of this. Which brings me to

2. Suicide. I am not trying to consciously play the suicide card, I only recently aknowledge that I was exhibiting those behaviors. I always thought it. I don't EVER recall saying it to someone and using it to get my way. I just can't live like this anymore. And what fucking drive is there to get better? I'm 28 with no relationship history. I'm starting at square 1 with that. In fact I'm impotent and porn addicted as fuck so I'm not even at square 1.

I always feel like a burden to my friends. And if the social engineering paranoia thing is true, then my presence being burdensome is also true. There's no two ways around it. They can lie to me about it all they want. And I get that sometimes friends bicker and get annoyed at each other, but having intimate knowledge that Is used to engineer paranoia into the daily life of me is either evil on there part or a huge weight they have to carry.

And aside from that, I no longer want to have delusions of being mutilated, of being laughed at by hundreds of thousand's of people. And I have reflected on how these relate to how I have treated people in the past.

And let's say after I get better, I'm just gonna have to create happiness in this hell of a situation society is in right now.... But the how much of that is social engineered either too. Maybe I'm just a good ole brain in a jar.

Either way I'd be happier not being. And that's not me using it as some kind of leverage to change anything, that's me knowing nothing can be changed and wanting to get out before the world get worse.

It's not a cry for help, or a bargaining tool, it's a plea for someone to please give me a quick and painless one. People always say that they wish i could see in me what they see, hoping that will get me to a place of valuing myself. I've seen the good things, it equates to weakness. Not perceived weakness, just actual weakness. The world doesn't reward my strengths.

3. Money

Why fuckin save it if I plan to not be around to use it honestly. At this point the plan is to get enough to pay off my credit cards, pay rent until September, bills until June, and hopefully have enough for a night with a hooker with connects to a dope dealer.

If I can give my family anything, it's to have to grieve only once a year.

So yeah, I'm just looking for answers before I go, or motivation to not go at all. I want this chapter of my life to be over once and for all, one way or another.