#will i make a lgbtq version? i barely finished this so probably not unless i have help

[three-bunnies-in-a-trenchcoat]

Stellarlune bingo card

@gay-otlc @steppingonshatteredglass

[itsevidentvery]

Jared is asked - by Gilfoyle maybe, as a this-could-be-a-joke-or-it-could-not-be kind of thing - whether he has ever been in a threesome. Also Richard is standing right there. What happens next?

NONNNIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!

Okay, so this isalmost certainly terrible, but here goes, with my profoundest apologies:

‘So Jared, everbeen in a threesome?’

Richard chokes onhis Old Pappy. Gilfoyle is still looking at Jared through his giant fuckingglasses, but somehow manages to look disdainfully at Richard for a nanosecond.

Jared is blushing.Which…could mean that:

1.       he is overcome with, like, virginal mortification at the question

2.       he has had a threesome

3.       he hasn’t but really doesn’t think this is appropriate workplaceconversation

4.       he has had a threesome but doesn’t really think this is appropriateworkplace conversation

Jaredsays ‘Gilfoyle, I think if we turn our attention to the SCRUM board…’

‘Fuck the SCRUMboard, I’m done with my tasks, I’m just waiting for Dinesh’s neurons to stoptyping a telegram to each other with one finger so he can finish with the JAVAfunctionality I need.’

‘Fuck you, man, Ijust need to make sure that your bitch-ass security protocols can handle mycode.’

‘Dinesh, my protocols can’t handle yourcode, because they are used to competently-written programmes, not ten-thumbedfrankenchickens that shit the bed if you look at them sideways.’

‘Jesus fuck, you two’, says Richard. He isbeside himself. ‘You just - Gilfoyle, if you don’t want an answer to yourquestion, why did you even - ’

Gilfoyle looks atRichard, and then looks at Dinesh. Jared says hurriedly ‘Oh, I don’t mindif we - ’

‘No, no’, saysGIlfoyle, ‘Richard’s right, Jared. Have you ever been in a threesome?’

‘We need you toanswer’, says Dinesh.

‘You have to answer’, says GIlfoyle.

‘I don’t see whythat’s necessary - ‘

‘Otherwise Dineshwon’t be able to concentrate on his code’, says Gilfoyle.

‘Yeah’, saysDinesh.

‘The mystery’llkeep Dinesh up all night’, says Gilfoyle.

‘Yep’, saysDinesh. ‘Has Jared had a threesome or hasn’t he? It’s Schrodinger’sThreesome.’

‘Heisenberg’sUncertainty Principle.’

‘WhoDunnIt.’

‘What?’

‘You know? Like ‘whodunit’,with mysteries, but ‘Dunn’ like Jared Dunn?’

‘Oh.’

‘Yeah, thatprobably works better written down.’

‘Enough’, hisses Richard. He clears histhroat. ‘Jared - look, I mean, I don’t - y’know, whatever? But like - sothese clowns can - get on with - ?’

‘Oh, you knowwhat?’, says Dinesh. ‘I think I’ve broken through with my code. I thinkI’m okay, Jared.’

‘Oh, then we can- ‘

‘HaveyouhadathreesomeJared?’

It takes a momentfor Richard to realise that the voice was his.

There’s a silence. Jaredis staring at Richard with wide eyes.

‘R-Richard?’

Richard gulps. Gilfoyle,that evil fuck, having put Richard in this position, has leisurely turned backto his computer with an air of complete indifference. ‘You drones work thisshit out’, his back is radiating ‘and let me know when you’re ready to have aconversation about Nietzche.’

Dinesh is lookingbrightly at Jared. Thank God there’s someone else.

Not that he’ssaying anything.

Not that anyone’s saying anything.

Least of all Jared.

Fuck it. SinceRichard’s going to die of embarrassment anyway, might as well just get what hecame for, right?

He coughs. ‘So….withthe three did you it, Jared?’

There’s anothersilence.

Fantastic.Apparently his weird creepy overinvestment in Jared’s sex life has turned himinto Garbage Yoda.

Dinesh is givinghim a pitying look, and Jared is frowning as he disentangles the sentence.

Richard’scontemplating whether to try again, or to just throw himself into traffic now,when Jared says ‘Well, yes. But I really don’t see how - ’

Oh but it’s toolate now. Dinesh’s eyes are rounder than Richard’s ever seen, and even Gilfoyle’sturned around with majestic deliberateness.

All of this Richardobserves in his periphery. He himself has leaned in at a 45-degree angle, andhe’s staring so hard at Jared he thinks he’ll probably raise welts on his skin.‘With. Whom?’

Jared’s blushingnow. ‘Oh, really, I’ve said all I care to, Richard.’

‘You haven’t saidall I care to’, says – shouts? – Richard. ‘Care to hear. I mean. With whom,Jared? Women?’ He swallows. ‘Men?’

Jared says ‘Yes?’

There’s a silence.

‘….What?’

‘Oh’, says Dinesh.

‘I didn’t reallywant to – since we’re too small to really need to – but as we grow perhaps itwould be nice to look into LGBTQ recruitment events, I’ve been meaning to - ’

Richard cannotspeak. He literally cannot speak.

Dinesh doesn’t seemto have that problem.

‘Threesomes? Multiple threesomes?’

‘Dinesh, really,this isn’t – this was at college, doesn’t everyone - ’

‘I didn’t’, say Dinesh and Richard at thesame time.

‘Shocker’, muttersGilfoyle.

Dinesh turns onhim. ‘Oh, like you’ve had shit-tons of threesomes, Bieber.’

‘I haven’t’, saysGilfoyle. ‘It’s two or an orgy. Two for the moments that my bourgeois selfneeds placating, and an orgy for the faisce que tu voudras times.’

‘…What…?’

‘Do what thou wilt’,supply Gilfoyle and Jared at the same time. Jared explains further ‘It’s themotto of the Hellfire Club.’

‘….Okay’, saysRichard. ‘…Thank you, Jared.’

‘My pleasure’, saysJared, bobbing his head.

Gilfoyle goes on ‘Threeis a nothing number, beloved only of Cabbalist simpletons and Judeo-Christians.It offers neither the hollow facsimile of human intimacy of two, nor theimpassioned liberty of a Bacchanal. Three is nothing but a sedated strainingfor a wretched imitation of liberty. Three is a Chick-Fil-A approximation offreedom.’

‘Oh, Gilfoyle’,says Jared, ‘oh, that makes me so sad. No, a threesome can be – can be wonderful.’

It’s saidecstatically, with a soft reminiscent smile curving Jared’s lips. He seems likehe’s cherishing the memory.

There’s a singingin Richard’s ears. He can barely hear Jared as he says ‘You can find out somuch about yourself, about what you need, what you can give, how you negotiate,how you draw boundaries, how you communicate verbally and non-verbally, how youwork in teams, it’s honestly - ’ he giggles, ‘oh, I’d recommend as a managementtool if I could get the logistics to work.’

Dinesh’s eyes arealmost popping out of their skull. ‘With – with us?’

Richard’s headsnaps to Jared, who hasn’t – said no. Gilfoyle is taking another sip of his OldPappy.

Richard swallows.Opens his mouth. Finds he can’t speak. Swallows again. Tries again. ‘NO.’

‘Oh, of course not’,says Jared, but Richard could swearhe looks a little disappointed, ‘and of course, as I say, the logistics wouldnever work unless we ask Jian Yang and Monica, and then of course I’d beconcerned about the etiquette of inviting Laurie, and - ’

‘NO’, says Richardagain, and he’s certain he shouts this time.

‘No’, says Jared, ‘ofcourse not, and really I don’t think we need any lessons there. Now - ’ hecoughs, ‘Dinesh, you said you had a breakthrough with your code. Could we havean ETA on your deliverable?’

Richard has a badnight.

His head isswimming with Technicolor images of Jared writhing in bed with Laurie and JianYang and then he’s elbowing them both out of the bed and Laurie is in a cornerasking why he calls his bed a bunk bed when there is only one impracticallyhigh bunk and also Dinesh and Gilfoyle are in a corner having a slap-fight thatvery quickly becomes not a slap-fightand also now Monica and Jared are wearing the same beige cable-knit sweater andRichard means the same one like they are literally both now somehow stuffedinto one giant beige sweater with their arms twined around each other and thenJared turns his head to Richard and one long pale arm snakes out and pulls Richardto him, one large hand walks his slender fingers down Richard’s back, one longleg slides between Richard’s thighs, that soft voice whispers ‘Let’s play agame, Richard….’

Richard joltsawake, gasping.

He covers his face,groaning.

Fucking Gilfoyle.

He staggers intothe kitchen, and of course because this is his goddamn life, Jared’s therebusying himself clearing away his tea.

‘Good morning,Richard.’

Richard starts. He’s– he’s going to have difficulty making eye-contact with anyone today. Possiblyever. For, like, the rest of his life.

But especiallyJared.

Whose fingers arewrapped around his tea-mug, and who is looking with gentle concern at Richard.

Long fingers.

Blue eyes.

So blue.

So very very blue.

Fuck.

Fuck.

‘Richard?’, saysJared. ‘Is everything okay?’

Richard shakes hishead. ‘No! I mean yeah. Everything. Everything’s. Fine. Just. Busy. You know?’

Jared frowns. ‘Isthere a problem with the platform – I thought we were on track for – ‘

‘Yeah, no, yeah, wetotally- totally are, just, you know, the usual, with the VCs, with roundthreesome coming up - ’

Oh. Oh, shhhiiiiit.

Jared’s eyes widenand Richard lurches into speech, hoping that sheer verbal density will makethis go away, ‘you know, multiples, dicks - decks,growth rates, projections, you know, just, if you could check the projection,like twenty-threesome percent - ’

Fuck. Richard’s just gabbling now, andthat has gone well for him zero times in his life like ever, but what the hell,here goes, ‘And I was thinking there was a version of the deck that workedbetter on slide threesome, I – ’

At which pointRichard’s appalled brain makes an executive decision and cuts off his oxygen.Richard slumps into a seat, staring in terror at Jared.

Who is looking moreand more concerned.

In the seemingeternity before Jared speaks, Richard wonders with almost detached curiositywhat he’s going to ask about. Richard’s creepy curiosity about his sex-life?His inability to let it go? His related inability to function like any sort ofadult human being in the presence of sex and Jared and Jared having sex? Allthree?

So it’s almost arelief when Jared says ‘Richard, did you think it was inappropriate for me tohave shared my thoughts about threesomes?’

And of course Jared’sgoing to find a way to make it his fault. Of course he is.

Richard sighs. ‘…No,Jared. It’s…Gilfoyle asked, and…then…Iasked.’

‘Yes’, says Jared. ‘Richard,why did you ask?’

And it’s a fairquestion – and asked so much more gently than Richard deserves – but what thefuck can he even say?

My brainshort-circuits whenever you bring home a woman, or whenever you’re fucking…around a woman, or anyone really, and Ineed you with me even when I don’t, y’know, actuallyneed you with me, and you have the bluest eyes and the biggest hands andthe softest voice and your hair smells really nice which I know from thosetimes you’ve hugged me and I don’t know what to do with that information anywayand now you’ve fucked guys which is one thing and then also threesomes and Icouldn’t handle any one of thosethings on a good day but like all of them all at once?

And then Jared’sreached forward – timidly, afraid of being rebuffed – to touch Richard’sshoulder.

‘Richard, you don’thave to - ’

And what Richarddoesn’t have to do, Richard doesn’t know, but he’s lunged forward and onlycaught the corner of Jared’s mouth, but then Jared lets out an ‘Oh’ and plungeshis fingers into Richard’s head so that he can slot their mouths together, andJared tastes of honey and tea that he will later tell Richard is Rooibos andJared’s mouth is a wonder and his hands are firm but soft and his hair is like silk and it still smells so fucking niceand his ass makes just – such a satisfying handful.

When they pull apart,Jared can’t stop smiling. Richard touches his own face and – yeah, yeah, he’sgrinning like a loon too. Also either he’s crying or Jared is.

Jared reaches outwith a trembling hand, brushing Richard’s curls behind his ear. Richard closeshis eyes. ‘You know’, Jared says, ‘Plato says that humans originally had fourarms, four legs and a single head. The gods wanted to punish the humans andsplit them in twain, leaving the humans to wander the earth in anguish lookingfor their other halves. Only in the act of love can they find unity.’

Richard swallows. Reachesfor Jared. Buries his face in his sweater. Squirms closer, breathing in greatlungfuls of his friend. Finally lifts his head to say ‘Actually, that wasAristophanes.’