#will i ever think of something else than destiel?

[queermania]

this is probably an unpopular destiel opinion but i don't think cas magically knew everything about dean after pulling him out of hell. i don't think he downloaded all his memories and thoughts and feelings. i don't think he saw all of dean and thought 'i still like you.' i think he saw the worst (hell) parts of dean and thought 'i want to know more.' and every time he learned something new, he wanted more and more. he's a creature of infinite hunger. and dean is a creature who both desperately wants to be seen and who is terrified of anyone actually Knowing him. but he kept giving cas little pieces of himself until one day it was like oh shit this dude knows me better than anyone else ever has and instead of being scary, it felt a lot like relief.

[wellofdean]

Sorry ,for me personally, it has to be out loud acknowledge to even remotely make up for how badly they treated fans over the years, the out loud queerbaiting in one breath and mocking in the next. The in text gay jokes, sexism and homophobia. The digs at their own fans.

They want the credit without having to do it. Again. They want the pat on the back they need to earn it this time.

Years of baiting for views and profit needs a payoff imo. Sorry people downplaying how important the canonization of this ship in particular is just hurts to see over and over. Stop letting them off the hook please. You deserve more. We all do.

It’s important. It does matter.

The cas/destiel hope baiting continued with the Winchesters and that’s why I’m at a put up or shut up moment with Jensen and the writers. He and Danneel kept the hype up every week that the show was airing all the while knowing cas doesn’t even get a name drop. He’s not even hinted at. Mary/john paralleled destiel so many times yet refused to call it want it was.

They could have shut it down week one, they interacted on tweeter a lot during airing and knew what fans thought there was going to be an acknowledgment or hint that never happened. They are smart people, they saw the speculation and hype but didn’t step in with a gentle ‘sorry guys this is about the new crew’ they fanned the hope instead with ‘something big happens’ that was just dean meeting the new team.

Loved the Winchesters as a show, sad it got dropped cause I loved the new cast so much. That said the baiting hurt and wasn’t necessary, the show was good.

Everyone is looking back with rose colored glasses and rewriting history. But things were ugly with the spn team/cast/writers at times. The homophobia was pretty out loud in a way it was allowed to be in the early 00s. They’ve grown and that’s wonderful but it still happened.

They need to earn the praise they want imo. No hate! Glad you are happy! just feels a little unfair to say we should all let them off the hook again and be happy with nothing while praising the benevolent straights. Just my two cents 😅💚💙

I want to answer this sympathetically, because I know it's disappointing that no one has been willing to just say "Dean and Cas are gay for each other" out loud, and I don't think there are many people in this fandom who picked up what the narrative was putting down, and were not disappointed in the finale for LOADS of reasons, only one of them being that Dean never had the chance to acknowledge what Cas said to him. I understand your feelings, my anonymous friend, I really do. I too found the end of Supernatural deeply frustrating, because they managed to erase the meaningful journeys of every single character, not just Dean, though what they did with Dean was the worst. I completely understand wanting them to JUST FUCKING SAY IT. I do. I get you. I simply do not agree.

My argument, which I have made many, many times, is that what you want is THERE in the narrative. They made Cas Dean's ride or die, they made it obvious that Dean can't carry on without Cas -- that the loss of Cas means Dean loses his will to live. That was explicit. They made it clear that more than anyone else, EVEN Sam, Cas is essential to him. They structured the narrative around Dean and Cas's emotional beats. They let Cas say the obvious thing out loud, and then showed us Dean behaving exactly as Dean would in a situation like that -- in the midst of his existential crisis about who he is and whether he has ever had free will, and with the world falling around them -- they showed us Dean unable to speak, unable to respond but overwhelmed with emotion. Like, remember that when Mary died when Dean was four, he was unable to speak? Is it really so hard to imagine that he loves Cas with all his heart? To read love in Dean's watery eyes, and the way he chokes down his heart and begs Cas not to do this? Not to being saying goodbye? I mean... I CAN DO THAT MATH. Literally everything about the story supports it. IT IS THERE.

Fandom always argues: if Cas were a woman, we wouldn't have any questions, so what I am just wondering is, why do we have questions again? Is it because we (homophobically) can't just see it for what it is because it's gay? Because, when it's gay we lose our ability to interpret narrative, and we need to be told, like we are 5 years old, what's happening in a perfectly obvious story? Or, is it a skill issue? Is it because we need the creators of the story to affirm our interpretation? We need the actors to just TELL US what they meant when they did that thing with their faces? Do we need their permission to understand it for what it is?

I've said many times that calling what happened on Supernatural 'queerbaiting' because no one ever made out or fucked on the maps table is really offensive to me actually. Don't you know that there are queer people in this world who never get to live their truths? Who just ache and yearn and want, and never get to have? Like, that there are in fact queer people who are afraid to say what they feel, or who don't understand or embrace who they really are and what they really need until it's too late? Are those not QUEER EXPERIENCES? I love Dean and I love that story because it's queer as hell and it makes ME feel seen, because I am like him! I am a queer person of his age who didn't ask myself those questions seriously enough in time! My own queerness is very fucking real, and it is UNLIVED. That HAPPENS to actual queer humans, and like, it's not queerbaiting when it's just queer, but didn't tell you the queer story YOU wanted it to tell. You saw years of tease? I saw years of choices, and love, and accretion of deep wells of emotion. I saw a clear romance, and a character becoming. It was a story I needed, AS A QUEER PERSON.

And the Winchesters was just joyful if you went in with that understanding of the previous story. It was like getting an A+ in Supernatural week after week from Dean himself. I can accept that the stars didn't align for Cas/Misha to come back in the first season, accept that if he were coming back, it needed to be more than a cameo to make it right, and that it didn't work out. I am so sad it was cancelled, but I can accept that it was leading someplace it didn't get to go. That's not queerbaiting, either! It's telling a story that was aborted, and I think if you don't see that, then that is DEFINITELY a skill issue.

I'm not looking back with rose coloured glasses; Supernatural is fresh in my mind. I watched it again without the internal pressure of expectations that aren't going to be met, and let it tell me what it was really doing all along. I am happy. It's a really compelling, deeply romantic, deeply queer story. I don't need permission from anyone involved to think that, and I don't need it explained to me. I understand wanting it to just be fully explicit, but I would not trade the story it did tell for a simpler, less engaging one, that asked less of me. I love it very much AS IT IS.

And, please: point me to this fabled abuse of fans. I have never really seen an example of it that is not easily debunked with a little bit of context.

[adeptune01]

alright sorry to go on a supernatural rant in 2023 but...

it makes me feel insane.

Not to beat a dead horse or anything but like destiel will be it for me. Nothing else will ever compare to it. Like a man is raised by an absent father- a father who demands to be obeyed without question. A father who praises guilt, who tells the man that he is his brother's keeper. That he is responsible for all of his actions and those actions affects on others. The weight of the world is on his shoulders and he must bear it alone.

This man, the one that is single-handedly trying to save himself along with everyone he's ever crossed paths with, fails. He sacrifices himself to save his brother and he dies. He's sent to hell, a land of eternal punishment. 'No less than I deserve' he probably thinks.

But then he is saved. Not because of anything he's done. Not because of a deal he or his brother or his father has made. He is saved by a cosmic being of unfathomable power because of his nature which has been deemed by THEE Abrahamic God as being fundamentally good. The man who has hated himself his whole life for not being enough, not doing enough, is declared to be good.

And he feels guilty as hell. He didn't deserve this. Of those hundreds of people he's helped over the years...one of them...ANY of them is better than him. If he's God's strongest soldier then God is going to lose. He is going to fail God just like he failed his own father.

The man spirals while the heavenly power that saved him watches from afar. The power understands the man. He understands what it's like to hold Father to the highest esteem. He understands what it's like to blindly follow orders, hoping for the best. He also understands that the man has the brightest hope-filled soul he has ever seen.

So the power decides to help, and to do so he breaks away from the rest of heaven's contingency. He grows into his name- Castiel. The shield of God (I am not joking that is what Castiel means), created to protect humanity. AND become a pair with the Michael Sword- the man who believes he is unworthy- DEAN.

Through the years- DECADES- there's ups and downs. Divots and cracks in the Almighty's plans. But nothing they can't handle. They grow close and become more than allies in the fight against ghastly horrors beyond comprehension, they become best friends.

They have wild west movie marathons in the basement room designated as Dean's own "Fortress of Deanitude". They hang out late at night at crappy diners eating crappy pie. They go out cruising the town. They listen to the same music. They play pranks on each other. They learn about and remember each other's interests.

Their relationship grows deeper.

They fight. They lie. They attempt to kill each other. They raise a son together. They try to mentor a daughter. They leave. They come back. They mourn. They celebrate.

Together.

Two beings- one human, one angel- who were alone- whose defining characteristic was who their fathers were- prove that it's possible to break free from predestination, from circumstance. Their love, first as friends, then as something more, is as strong as the force that binds the universe- stronger, even.

And then they die.

Separately. Both convinced that the one thing they've wanted, the unnamed thing they've been fighting for, is the one thing they can't have. Because their fathers said so.

Despite everything, in the end, their fathers won. Dean died on the job he couldn't quit from an accident he couldn't help. Cas died obeying the first and most important commandment his Father gave him- to love and protect humanity.

THAT story is what I will never be able to get over. Not mentioning the gothic Americana aesthetic, the clear Protestant 'for by faith' message, the criticism of hyper-masculinity, the exploration of the 'American Dream'.....

[spnbangbang]

Natural Born Sinner

Author: GhoulsnHalos

Artist: sidewinder

Primary Ship: Cas/Meg

Other Ships: One-sided Destiel implied

Length: 15,500

Warnings: None

Tags: Canon Divergent; Episode 08:13 Goodbye Stranger; Castiel is in love with Dean & Meg; Hurt/Comfort; Meg lives

Posting Date: November 5, 2024

Summary The Angel Tablet is calling Castiel, asking him to keep it safe. Naomi believes it belongs in Heaven. Crowley wants to get his hands on it. The Winchesters tell him it will be safest with them. What is Castiel to do?

Things get more complicated when Castiel, Dean, and Sam discover which one of Lucifer's old supporters Crowley has kept captive and been torturing—it’s Meg.

As tensions rise and Castiel has to navigate his way through this dilemma, he comes to a startling realization. One that only magnifies his problem by a considerable amount. It's not news to him that he is hopelessly in love with the unavailable Dean Winchester. He's known that almost since the moment he raised the Righteous Man from Hell. No, what strikes Castiel now is that he is in love with someone else, too, and that might have something to do with the Pizza Man.

A fix-it of Episode 08:13 Goodbye Stranger. Or what might have happened had Castiel rescued Meg when he ran off with the Angel Tablet. Excerpt “Be here with me right now in this room, Meg. Don’t hide from me.” Castiel brushes a strand of blonde hair back off Meg’s face.

She doesn’t raise her eyes, so Castiel hooks a finger under her chin and tilts her face up.

“There you are.”

The discomfort is evident on Meg’s face, not physical pain. That must still be there because Castiel won’t heal Meg’s human form without her permission, and they’ve not discussed that yet. In fact, they’ve barely said a word to each other since Castiel flew them away from the crypt. What’s causing Meg distress is embarrassment in her demonic form. “I didn’t need a hero.”

“I’m not one. But you didn’t deserve to die—not at Crowley’s hands.”

Meg shifts back on the bed until she’s out of easy reach. “I’m gonna ask again, Clarence. Why are you so sweet on me? The truth. What do you see in a snarky, twisted, creature from the pits, a devotee of the first of the fallen that you left Dean-o, the Righteous Man, in that crypt and took me with you and that thing?”

And there it is. The opening Castiel both wants and dreads. As many others have asked over eons: what is truth? Castiel no longer believes there is one truth. Perhaps he never did and that’s why he’s undergone factory reset after factory reset by Heaven because he’s followed what not the single truth his superior angels told him about it always being God’s will that he do what they commanded but sought what he thought was the truth in a situation and acted in a way that would bring about the best result. Sure, he’s got it wrong several times but at least he tried, or that’s what he keeps telling himself. See that’s why he’s here with Meg not with the Winchesters. He’s doing what he believes is the right thing.

“We aren’t so dissimilar. You said so yourself, you do some good even as a demon and although people seem to think angels are on eth side of good and light, well not only have my brothers and sisters screwed the pooch many times—I’m not a great example. Maybe I have more similarities with Lucifer than I have ever cared to see.”

Meg considers this for a minute, mouth pursed and fingers drumming on the comforter. The she gives a one-shouldered shrug. “I see your point. But you still ducked my question. Come on, tell me.”

There’s a pause during which Castiel wrestles with whether he can tell her of the spark of beauty he sees at the centre of her being.

[deaneverafter]

Nope, this false image that's gaining traction due to people's "joking" insults, the idea that Jensen is incompetent and nothing more than a pretty face, that he's not responsible for his own career and that Danneel is the mastermind behind his success... it's getting out of hand.

I expect this from the loser extras, including but not limited to, Misha, Briana, Kim, Rich, Rob. They're desperate for fandom (heller) approval & they resent Jensen (& Jared), hate that J2 were integral to the show, unlike them. So the s*x*al harassment and digs are a two in one, get clout AND revenge. I didn't expect such behaviour from TW cast (if someone gives you your big break/starts your whole career, the least they should be able to expect is basic decency), mocking, belittling Jensen, so I was disappointed. But all things considered, seeing the behaviour that was someone was modeling for them, encouraging them into, I guess it shouldn't be surprising. I've even come to expect it from fandom people, heller and non heller alike, who are highly involved in the con circuit, since the resentment many people in this fandom have against Jensen for being everything they can't be, everything they can't have, is so blatant. Their snide "jokes" about "you're not my fave, your brother-in-law/Misha/JoJo are", "you're nothing to me, I love your wife [but I did spend thousands of dollars to be in *your* presence to tell you that]" are their bitterness manifesting, plus, the con handlers encourage it too.

But now, to see crew members from Supernatural, people who worked w/ Jensen for a decade & a half, people who had a job for 15 years because Jensen (and Jared) stayed, people who've seen his work ethic, his talent... for them to turn around and make fun of him, it's too much. And for what? To get clout by spreading this weird "joke" (frigging insult) that Danneel is the successful producer who is sustaining his career, and Jensen is just her loser husband, her puppet? Like, I'm sorry, but I'm failing to see the "humour" in such digs. I don't get it.

And what's perhaps worst of all, is that these people only get away with it because so called fans don't call it out, even defend & make such claims themselves. I get why hellers love it, no one hates Jensen more than the Misha / destiel cult. But what's everyone else's reason? You guys cry about the big, bad coven day in, day out, when such toxic environment towards Jensen, surely started by hellers, but sustained by the rest of the fandom, could do much more damage than the haters could ever even dream of doing. What happens when people outside the fandom start hearing and believing such things? Casual fans don't do a deep dig. They hear something, and they think, ah, must be true (and I don't blame them. You can't conduct a dissertation on every artist you like).

How can you call yourself a Jensen fan and then hear such pathetic insults, disguised as funny jokes, and laugh? How can you sit back and watch this disease spread like wildfire, this image of him that he's not responsible for his own career? That he's just a pretty face, a puppet Danneel is pulling by the strings, who only has a career because Danneel has her hand on the wheel? I'm not sure what people feel Jensen has done to deserve this, to have all his hard work, commitment, effort, be dismissed this way, smh, and by people who claim to be his fans, at that. Snakes in the grass, more like.

What's also interesting is that Danneel's fans never put her down to hype Jensen up. Her friends take it one step further than jokes. They seriously claim that she's the one behind Jensen's career & success, that she's the one making things happen behind the scenes. Danneel herself literally pushes this agenda that Jensen "only moves left and right, and does what it does, because I have my hands on it", because I guess it gives her an ego trip and makes her feel relevant, assuages her insecurities a bit, while all Jensen does is support her and her whims and hypes her up.

And I just-? This makes it even crazier to me that some "Jensen Ackles fans" are not only condoning these false claims being made, they're actually the ones hammering them in, trying to brainwash the rest of the fandom, bullying people into going with these stories? Let's get this clear. Jensen has a successful career, including a steady stream of excellent jobs since he was 18, coworkers (the genuine ones anyway) who only praise him, directors/writers who want to work with him again, because of HIS hard work, HIS talent, HIS work ethic. He also has Chaos Machine because he worked hard enough, gained enough trust, that higher ups were ready to take a chance on Jensen and his projects. Danneel has Chaos Machine, the Supernatural role and any other roles she might get through CM (so essentially the entirety of her career in recent history) because she's married to Jensen. Her own career independent of Jensen peaked at a recurring role as a high school mean girl, trampling on others to make herself feel special. Since then, all her relevance or "career" has been because of Jensen and Jensen's name. That's literally it. I know this is a touchy topic for some people, but if someone's responsible for the other's career and relevance, it sure as hell is not Danneel ☕ And stealing credit from Jensen and his work and slapping it next to her name isn't going to change that. If the goal is truly to hype her up, and not go put Jensen down, and one wants to prove she's a girlboss, surely she has her own accomplishments one can brag about? Credit stolen from his work shouldn't be required.

If you call yourself a Jensen fan, act like it. Protect him, instead of cackling with a-holes mocking and degrading him. Stop dismissing his work and success to prop others up. And if you can't, then drop the "Ackles fan" in your bio and start calling yourself a hater 🤷🏻‍♀️

[watchandread02]

For the "Holidays with the Winchesters: A very Destiel Christmas Advent Calendar" by @archervale and @wormstacheangel

Day Four: Candy

“You wanna kiss?”

Cas is startled out of where he is hunched over the table, trying to finish the essay Professor Crowley assigned to them last minute. He looks up to find one of the most gorgeous people he has ever seen. The guy is tall, and has the greenest eyes to ever green. Well that proves it, he can’t even think of anything better than that to describe the guy’s eyes, his brain is totally fried. Belatedly he realizes that he should probably answer the guy.

“What?” He very intelligently replies.

“I asked if you wanted a kiss?” The guy asks, a bit more hesitantly now, than before.

Cas tilts his head slightly and squints his eyes. Did he hear that right? Did that guy just offer to kiss him? Or is he so sleep deprived that he has begun to imagine stuff. Like a hot guy offering to kiss him.

Apparently he took too long to answer, since the guy starts to speak. “Hey, man. It’s not that deep of a question. Just trying to spread a little Christmas spirit, ya know.” He says, while pointing to the ridiculous santa hat that sits atop his head. He shakes his head to emphasize his words and the bobble bounces around.

“Well I guess it couldn’t hurt.” Cas kind of shrugs a little bit. I mean how often is he going to get the chance to kiss a handsome guy like that again.

A grin spreads across the guy’s lips. And god dammit, if that doesn’t make him even more attractive. He holds out his hand and Cas glances down at it. There is a little aluminium wrapped thing nestled in his palm. Cas takes it a bit hesitantly, kind of confused.

“So where is my kiss?” Cas asks.

Now the guy also looks confused. “I just gave it to you? You know a Hershey’s kiss? The candy?”

“Oh yeah, of course.” Cas blushes bright red and buries his head in his hands. Of course the gorgeous guy wasn’t asking to kiss him. He was just being nice. He probably offered everyone else sitting in the library one as well and Cas just hadn’t noticed because he was engrossed in his work.

“Wait, what did you think I meant? I thought you knew I was handing them out? Ya know, spreading the spirit?”

Cas’ head snaps up. He would’ve thought the guy would have left already, moving on to the next person, since his mission had been fulfilled.

Something seems to click in the guy’s head, since he reddens a bit as well. “Oh, did you think I was actually offering to kiss you?”

“Oh… um… I guess I- no wait- uh… I don-” Cas stutters out, not knowing what to say. He had just majorly embarrassed himself in front of the not only hot, but also kind guy and now he couldn’t even form a proper sentence. How humiliating.

“Huh?” the guy huffs out softly, “did you also agree to kiss me?” he asks.

Cas sighs out a little, well it can’t really go more wrong can it? “I guess I did, I’m sorry, that I misinterpreted your question.”

“Hey, no, you’re alright.” The guy takes a second to look him up and down.

“You know I wouldn’t really be opposed to kissing you. Though how about a date first?” he asks, rubbing the back of his neck, smiling bashfully.

Cas relaxes, “I would like that…”

The guy starts to smile for real now. “Oh, um, names Dean.”

“Hello, Dean. I’m Castiel, but you can call me Cas.” he says while holding his hand out for a shake.

Dean looks at the hand for a second, before taking it. But instead of shaking it, he moves it towards his mouth, to place a light kiss there. “Pleased to make your acquaintance, Cas.”

“Would you want to go on that now?” Dean looks at where Cas’ work lies abandoned on the table, “or do you still have to complete your work? We could totally do this some other time.”

Cas contemplates that for a moment. He should really finish up that essay, but if he’s being honest with himself he wouldn’t be able to get anything done now anyway. His brain is fried anyway and with Dean on his mind, he wouldn’t be able to write one legible sentence. He turns to start packing up his stuff.

“Oh don’t worry, I was finished here anyway.”

“Are you sure, you still seemed pretty engrossed when I first came over here. I wouldn’t want to be the reason, you don’t finish your work.” Dean says.

Cas slips his laptop into his backpack and zips it shut. “No, it’s alright. I got most of it done and can finish the rest tomorrow. I certainly can use a break and well I don’t know if I would be able to focus anyway.”

“Oh why is that?” Dean asks as they begin to walk towards the exit.

“Because I would be thinking more about you than my work.” Cas replies honestly.

Dean stumbles a bit, before coming to a complete stop. There is pink in his cheeks as he says, “Hey man, you can’t just say stuff like that. Warn a guy next time.”

“Oh okay, if it bothers you, I will make sure to stop it.” Cas says looking down at his shoes a bit dejectedly. Maybe this isn’t going to work out, if Dean doesn’t even like Cas complimenting him.

Dean places a gentle hand on his shoulder, leaning down a bit to catch Cas’ eye. “Hey now, I didn’t mean for you to stop. Just um, not used to getting genuine compliments, I guess.”

“Okay if it is truly alright with you. Though I guess I will have to compliment you more often, so you get used to it.”

They stare at each other for a moment before Cas says, “so shall we go? We did have an appointment, didn’t we?”

“Hey man, don’t ever change.” Dean lightly squeezes his shoulder, where his hand is still placed, before moving to take Cas’ hand.

“But you are right, we do have a date to get to.” Dean states as he pulls Cas by the hand, out of the library, and into the brisk winter air.

[angelinthefire]

There is a “would Dean kill Cas to save Sam” poll going round I think you’d find interesting and which compelled me to unleash thoughts at you. I often wonder why fandom (both hellers and bronlies) ignores the fascinating examples in canon where Dean’s “Sam before anything else” ideology is threatened by Castiel. the BEST example of this is when Cas premeditatedly and with full agency breaks Sam’s wall as collateral damage — and Dean forgives him in the blink of an eye! If that were anyone else who’d done that to Sam they would be a dead man. Yes Dean was mad about it, yet the next season (BEFORE Cas redeems himself by taking on Sam’s hell trauma) Dean literally tells Cas “you were doing the best you could” (girl…).

Other key examples: Dean staying in Purgatory for an additional year to find Cas (rather than prioritising going back to find Sam, and this is after Cas broke Sam’s brain mind you); deciding to basically kill himself in s13 after Cas has died (despite Sam being alive and well); telling Chuck he’s wiling to kill Sam if it’ll bring Cas back. If the Bronly tenet that all Dean needs to be happy is Sam then hell, why does Dean beg Sam to let him die in the series finale.

I will note that Dean kicking Cas out of the bunker in s9 is thrown around constantly but there was literally a gun to Sam’s head at that point. Dean was tormented about it and still snuck off to see Cas although it may have been unwise in that situation.

Also interesting to note that Sam isn’t the only one; Castiel has also served as a threat to Dean’s other representations of family. in s6 Cas ~betrays Dean by colluding with Crowley, who kidnaps Lisa and Ben, which eventually leads to Dean deciding to memory wipe Lisa. In s14 Dean literally *blames Cas in part for Mary’s death*! And yet still forgives him?? (As s13 showed, Dean can live better without Mary than he can without Cas.) This is really intriguing/toxic element of Destiel that is hardly explored in fandom, which is that Dean associates Cas with danger to the rest of his family/his role as protector of his family and therefore his relationship with him is a weakness that he will regret. Add to the fact that Cas has proven time and again to not be a safe/reliable object of affection (see above examples, and also repeatedly leaving/dying) and it’s very plain why Dean would have reason to fear/suppress/compartmentalise romantic feelings between them — because they would be an even greater source of pain.

Curious to get your thoughts on this!!

Thank you for the message!

Regarding the first point: I think there's a fairly typical thing going on of fan simplifying characters and their motivations. Does Dean love and care about Sam? Yes. Was Dean's duty to Sam something that was drilled into him as something that he had no choice over? And something that was reinforced through their forced isolation from the rest of society? Also yes. So what happens when Dean has someone that he has grown to love on his own terms? And who he never has to worry about alienating, someone who could actually be part of his life? Something very interesting!

I looooove the s6/7 example so much, because Dean really isn't ever angry at Cas for hurting Sam, he's angry at Cas for not listening to him. And even then, not really - his anger at Cas in 7x01 is much more something that Dean is using as a sheild, something to cover his own hurt, than anything else. And then the second it looks like Cas is going to turn around and come back to him, all that anger evaporates.

s8 was soooo vindicating as well when it aired, because all summer the bronlies were like, "Dean's motivation in Purgatory will be that he's trying to get back to Sam!" And then it WASN'T. This is another thing too, that bronlies will try to make it out like Sam is the only one that Dean will go to extreme lengths for, that Dean isn't a *generally* nurturing type of person who *wants* a bigger family and to not be so socially isolated. But throughout the entire show, Dean is constantly drawing people around himself. And we do see how Dean is willing to go to great lengths for Cas. Of course, a lot of the time, Dean is convinced that he's powerless to do anything when it comes to saving Cas, but Purgatory was one time when he wasn't, and we see what happens.

(And the thing is I do get where the bronlies are coming from in their understanding of the show, in an abstract sense. Like objectively, if someone were to tell me that there's a story about two brothers, that only have eachother against the world, and they have a super-intense relationship, and all they care about is each other and fighting monsters, and there's a dark, gothic vibe to it, I could see why someone would be into that. Like it's not my jam, but abstractly, I see it. But the thing is, that reading of the show does not hold up to contact with canon - and none of them want to admit that.)

The series finale is so weird when you think about it. Because bronlies hold it up as a win. But it is Dean taken down to a place where all he has is Sam and hunting, and then deciding that he has nothing to live for.

s9 was just a mess. Kicking Cas out of the bunker was so contrived. And then what everyone forgets is how incredibly happy and jazzed Dean was when he thought Cas was going to be living with them. The thing I'm most bitter about is that they couldn't have given us at least one episode of Dean and Cas being absolutely goofy happy around each other before constructing a situation to get Cas out of the picture.

Your last paragraph is interesting, and something to think about. The way I see it, is that Cas has entered a special tier of relationships with Dean, where Dean will hold on to him no matter what. I don't think Lisa and Ben are a good example for your point, actually, because I think Dean blames himself for what happened to them more than anyone else, which is reflected in his final interaction with them when he says he hit them with his car and is happy they can go on with their lives (or something of that nature, I forget).

Mary's death is interesting though. The only thing comparable to something like that happening before is when Dean blames Sam for Charlie's death (and what Dean says to Sam - "I think it should be you on that pyre instead of her" - is actually way more harsh than what Dean says to Cas). But Dean does forgive Sam, and he does forgive Cas - again, they're on a special tier, where Dean values them no matter what. And you see that throughout the divorce arc, where Dean keeps checking in on Cas and showing concern for him, in spite of how he feels at the moment - like he knows througout that the rift him and Cas are going through isn't going to last forever.

I think all of Dean's closest relationships are toxic, just as a result of the way he was raised and the kind of life he leads. With Sam, John, Mary, Jack, and Cas. The relationships that aren't toxic are the ones where they aren't physically around each other that much (like Charlie), or with Bobby, who has the level of experience to not get caught up in bullshit. With all of them, the death toll doesn't really matter (like Mary endangered Cas too, and Dean forgave her). Dean just tends to not let go of the people around him.

I think a big barrier for Dean and Cas is actually neither of them having any kind of reference model for what they are to one another. All of Dean's romantic relationships have been filled with secrets, and the knowledge that his partner cannot share his life with him. Dean calls Cas his "brother" in s6 and s11, because to him, that's the closest you can be to someone. That changes to "best friend", which is better, because it doesn't have the same connotation of obligation and responsibility - your best friend is someone you actually like being around. And it's a title that is uniquely Castiel's.

And in general he has trouble categorizing Castiel. Like he keeps trying to put Cas in human boxes that he doesn't actually fit within. He repeatedly indicates that he thinks of Cas as just a guy, and then Cas acts in ways that defy that category.

So yeah, I guess I don't really think that Dean sees Cas as unsafe. It's more that Dean just isn't thinking of romantic relationships as a possibility for himself. And he doesn't quite know how to categorize what he and Cas are to each other (and the fact that Cas is a dude may or may not play into that, depending on how much you think Dean grapples with internalized homophobia). And they're both generally fucked up.

It's an interesting idea, though, that Dean sees Cas as a danger, that I'd be interested in seeing explored more in posts or fic.

[beautysurvives]

destiel, nsfw, moc!dean, part 2 of this post

He commits to the bit twice as hard now, insisting that he can’t take off his “lab coat,” and resisting every method of bribery until he’s managed to get as naked as possible while keeping it on.

Luckily (and he knew this already) Dean is turned on by the trenchcoat for reasons neither of them can really fathom. Cas once asked if it was because it sort of looked like a cape, seeing as Dean has been in love with superheroes since his first copy of Batman.

Dean did not tell him that it probably had more to do with the fact that it was his. That, for all its dorkiness, it had come to represent him. Cas is hot, ergo, so is his coat.

So he just snorted and said, “Columbo meets Constantine meets… Inspector Gadget. Yeah.” References which, at the time, Cas didn’t understand.

But he’s always understood that Dean likes certain things about him. More than just the way he looks. More than the sex.

It’s not that they’re soulmates — Cas doesn’t even entertain the thought. But something else. A quality in Dean that meshes perfectly. If there’s a version of that for humans and angels, it’s something God never bothered to write down. It’s them.

Cas could feel it so intensely when he first touched Dean’s soul in Hell, when there was neither vessel nor flesh to keep them separate. He’d assumed then that it was the fulfillment of his purpose — the perfect performance of God’s will — that made it feel so right. After, he pushed away the memories, which Dean clearly didn’t share, of all the time they had spent together in embrace, fleeing toward the hole in the gate that Michael himself had opened for them. Healing Dean from the ground up. Being him, for a moment.

Purgatory brought it all back, but it was dulled by Cas’s guilt. Guilt which was only compounded by the judgmental gaze of Dean’s vampire guide — his replacement.

In Hell, there was no one left alive to witness them. No one to see Cas’s fatal mistake — the errant claim he’d laid on his charge. That’s all it was to him then. All he could allow it to be. A mistake, leveraged. Zachariah’s words:

He thinks it means something.

Let’s use that.

And then, when he was human — oh — suddenly it was all so vivid. So physical. Dean’s body against his. The car closed over them like a coffin. Lights passing by the windows every so often. Cars passing, strangers, families, shaking the earth underneath them. One of Dean’s mixtapes. Finding a rhythm.

The whole world was so harsh and cold and sharp. But Dean was soft and giving and kinder than anyone Castiel had ever met — even when he was, as he likes to say, being a dick.

There’s not a single corner of Heaven that’s ever felt so safe to Cas as laying in the backseat of that car.

He wishes all the time that he could go back to that — humanity.

Not feel so… numb is not the word.

Still, this is nice. Cas doesn’t need memory foam (How does it remember?), but it’s nice. And it’s nice to make Dean feel good. To connect to his mind and feel what he feels. To remember the backseat, remember what it’s like to be hungry, what it’s like to be full. How these feelings change the nature of the body.

They’re still just grinding, with the very inadequate saliva-as-lube, because neither one of them is willing to stop long enough to reach for anything better. It’s not as much the contact of their half-hard dicks that Cas enjoys — though it is good — as it is the contact in general. Dean’s hands on his bare skin. Dean’s desire. Dean’s everything.

Cas says, “I could probably stay for more than just tonight.”

“Awesome.”

“Maybe for the week.”

Dean moans, pulling him back into the kiss.

“Dean,” he says after a while, moving his hips while he talks. “Maybe we could try something.”

“If you’re gonna say rope stuff, don’t bother. I am sick of getting tied up.�� It’s a smooth transition to Cas on his back. Dean all over him, spreading him open. Coat, suit jacket, dress shirt splayed along with his broken wings. Dean goes for his throat.

“No,” Cas says. “I was thinking…” Dean bites down. “Well, it’s gonna sound strange but. My grace…”

Dean stops. “What about it?” And then, when Cas doesn’t answer, he raises himself up. “Sam told me that burning through that stolen grace nearly killed you — fuck. Cas!” His voice rises to a panicked pitch. He starts to scramble off. “We’ve been using it all night.”

Cas locks him in place. “No, it’s fine, Dean. It’s fine.” He’s not trying to bolt anymore, but fine doesn’t seem to cut it.

“I’m not anywhere close to as burnt out as I was then. I think…” He stops talking, because the face of that angel still haunts him sometimes. “I think this one is maybe stronger than the last one,” is the best he can manage.

“Oh,” Dean breathes and starts to settle down. He melts back into Cas like a sigh. Then, coming back to himself, he slaps Cas’s arm. “Why’d you get me all worried then?”

“Well, that wasn’t my intention.”

“So, what then?”

Suddenly, Cas’s angel blade is in his hand. Dean’s eyes track the up and down of his throat as he swallows, and Cas knows he understands. “I just need a vessel— a- a container. To keep it in.”

He feels Dean stiffen, muscles hardening, taut, holding his breath. The mood returning to what it was before Cas spooked him. “You want me to… take your grace.”

Cas nods. It’s too obscene for words.

“So you’ll be powerless?” Dean feels heavier suddenly. Weighing down on his lower half with intent. Breath warm on Cas’s nose. He wants this — really wants it — but he’s scared.

“Not completely. We’ll just remove a little bit, just to— I’ll heal the wound… I… It will make me feel more—”

“Human,” Dean says, low and hoarse.

“Close to it.”

Dean hasn’t been fully human for quite a while.

Dean says okay on Cas’s lips.

He gets up and turns off the light. Settles himself back down, balancing on Cas’s thighs, letting their dicks cross and slide against each other.

He takes the blade from him, gentle. It glints in the near darkness. He takes his empty hand, guiding it to his hip.

Cas pulls just a little, pressing his fingers hard into Dean’s flesh, urging but not forcing. Dean could ask him if he’s sure, but he doesn’t. Dean’s an expert with any kind of knife.

“How deep?”

“Not very. Just enough to draw some blood. Not much.”

Cas holds him tighter just before he does it. A short breath comes out of him that sounds almost like a laugh. This is a very stupid idea.

There’s a thin red streak, and then the cloudy blue-white glow of angel grace, frothing out, smoke billowing around it.

“Open your mouth,” he tells Dean.

So he leans down, opens his mouth above the wound. Cas can feel it, warm and wet and stinging. Dean’s soft lips, his thrumming heart. His tongue swipes down around the edges.

Distantly, Cas thinks he hears his angel blade hitting the floor. The hand that was holding it is suddenly in his, fingers interlocking.

Dean catches a tendril of it. Blood on his tongue. Grace swirls in his mouth. He doesn’t know what to do with it.

Before he can panic, Cas frees his hand to heal himself. Then it’s under Dean’s chin, cupped.

He says, “Spit.”

So Dean spits. The room’s only source of light glows softly in Cas’s palm.

Dean stares into it for a moment, but then he’s using it to look at Cas, studying him in the dimness. To check in, he thinks at first.

It doesn’t flicker, but like candle light it seems alive, painting Cas’s face in roiling brushstrokes. Bright, deep eyes dancing. At full power, Cas could see himself the way Dean sees him. But like this, he can only guess.

He doesn’t break his gaze as he reaches down between them. He wants him to stay here, be with him in this.

It’s a strange feeling — and he can really feel it. Wet and dry, there and not. Spit, blood, precum, grace, stored inside the space between them. Kept intact by their proximity — Just like the pb&j. Cas closes his eyes, a moan tearing out of him as he takes both of them in his hand.

“Yeah,” he pants. “That’s much better.”

Dean makes a strangled sound, eyes wide. His hands go to Cas’s shoulders, the back of his neck, groping their way into his hair. He gasps. Forces out a trembling, “Oh God.”

The lengths of their shafts pressed together. Cas’s hand cradles their wet, responsive heads — and even the lines of his own palm stimulate him. He does to them both what always works on Dean.

It feels the way it sometimes feels to be healed. Skin made of something thinner, softer, more ephemeral. More vulnerable. Touching something powerful.

“Oh God,” he repeats, and, “Cas,” he insists.

“Fuck me. I’m gonna…”

He stops Cas’s hand, tosses it away. It falls to the depths below, with the angel blade. He grabs hold of Cas’s dick — that makes him buck wildly, almost kick Dean off — lowers himself down onto it. Let’s his head, slick with their creation, lubricate him til he’s wet enough to start taking him without resistance. Slowly, up and down, inch by inch until he’s good.

Cas is a mess. He holds him close and fucks him as hard as he can — which isn’t very, because every small movement makes him twist with ecstasy.

“You good, buddy?” Dean asks once, holding back giddy laughter.

Cas can’t even form words.

Dean kisses him, and the moment his tongue reenters the scene, Cas is gone with a spark and a sound like a muffled explosion. One last hard thrust and Dean is seeing stars.

[autisticandroids]

I would like a director's commentary on your bleak Harper/Jack fic, thank you. Since it still makes me sad.

<3 fuck yeah. i'm so ready to do this commentary it's gonna take days...

anyway the thing that motivated me to do this in the first place is like. okay. list of reasons.

one is that i kind of wanted to write a fic about jack that both took him seriously and also was not *entirely* just about his relationship with his parents. like jack having something outside of that.

another is that i find harper kind of enticing, as a character? like, there's a lot of meat on her for a one episode villain. the fact that she's never left her home town, "a long line of necromancers," the fact that she killed her boyfriend to keep him!, her seemingly genuine interest in jack, the melodramatic way that the actress played her, the letter.... there's a lot there. and it's crazy to me that there were only two jackharper fics on ao3. also it drives me up the wall that they never brought her back in the show, like, come on.

like actually my first thoughts about jackharper were situated in this longrunning deancas (with jack as their kid) human au that exists mainly in dms between me, @an-android-in-a-tutu, and @pregstiel, which i don't need to get into right now but suffice to say that the sort of final form of dean and cas' relationship in that au is not abusive but it isn't exactly healthy, and dean (being dean) is a pretty domineering and smothering presence in cas' life and also jack's. and jack is like. he's autistic and is fairly disabled by it? he can basically hold a job but can't really care for himself physically (eating meals, keeping his apartment livable, etc.) or really deal with other people at all? so dean is quite involved in, as dean sees it, still parenting him well into his twenties. and is obviously rather domineering and smothering. possibly helping more than jack actually *needs* as such and etc. and perhaps being a bit invasive about it. classic dean. anyway this was all context for jack getting into a relationship with harper and dean just. hating her. because dean just cannot imagine a girl getting with his baby boy for honest reasons. because he just simply needs so much care. she must be after money or something. and all of this dislike of harper is obscuring to dean the actual problem, which is that harper is stalkerishly obsessed with jack and the main reason the relationship is continuing is that harper is kind of domineering in a way that reflects both cas and dean's relationship and dean and jack's relationship, jack isn't really making the choices, he's letting them be made for him because that's what he's used to. but because dean is terminally incapable of self-awareness he does not see that at all. and this was really fun to think about and it kind of got me invested in jackharper, conceptually. though now that i'm saying all this: man it would be really fun and wretched to make a little extra bit of this fic but dean pov.

and then another reason i wanted to write this fic is like. i really enjoy torturing other characters (generally sam and jack) with established destiel. usually in my mind it's sam? like i can honestly provide a preeeeeetty long history of my thoughts on this topic. lol. but you know i get a lot out of like. imagining sam finding out that dean is gay in season fifteen and just having to sit with that. like what if your brother who sucks turned out to have been in the closet his whole life. like he still sucks but now you know this depressing thing about him. and also you can never bring it up to him or tell anyone else. lol. anyway this kind of "man it would suck to be in the blast radius of deancas" impulse is what led to this concept, which is basically what i built the fic around? as i've said, this element was kind of the most fun part for me.

then also like..... as i've said, optimism is one of my top episodes of spn ever just by enjoyability of watch. i like it a lot. and also each time i see it i allow a single tear to roll down my face morning the charmingly "plucky young protagonist"-ish version of jack we could have had. it's so perfectly put together that it manages to avoid being grating despite the like. everything. and a lot of that is the interplay of cheery and dark elements. but also jack is like. way less annoying than that archetype normally is. he's so charming in optimism. anyway i just kind of. wanted to try integrating optimism more into canon. is another reason.

and then over the summer i wrote this fic, which is maybe my fave thing i produced this year, and i wanted to see if i could sustain that high note for a longer period.

okay. without further ado.

Every Relationship Has Its Stuff

Pepperidge Farm. Oroweat. Sara Lee. Wonderbread. Brownberry. King’s Hawaiian. Dean had just specified “sliced bread.” Jack is pretty sure Dean likes Sara Lee butter bread, but its slot on the shelf is empty. He knows Sam likes Brownberry. Jack likes it, too. It’s sweet and molasses-y. He likes it with the tunafish salad Sam sometimes makes for lunch, when Dean is having a nap. 

starting out strong with: hey i like brownberry tuna sandwiches. but also you know. the anxiety of being sent out to get an item and it being out and not being sure if you'll even be believed that it was gone etc.

The bright white lights of the Walmart beat into his eyes. There’s pop music on the speakers, lyrics indistinguishable from instrumentation in a swirling cacophony of synthy noise. Jack thinks he can maybe hear the word married ? And amazing . There’s footsteps behind him, along with the shh of clothing, and chatter in the next aisle - something about the merits of Pop Tarts vs. Toaster Struedel. A cart’s wheel squeaks.

so i actually checked what songs were charting in january uh. 2018? 2019? one of those. anyway. i thought thank u next was a funny choice which would bring an appropriately rancid energy to this opening. anyway. i had fun setting this in a walmart because i wanted to situate this fic in a depressing, fluorescent, branded world. something that actually feels like a midwestern middle of nowhere, as opposed to the bright and cheery fantastical small towns of yockeynatural. it's also inspired somewhat by @davidfosterwallaceandgromit's trapdoor, the way in that fic as the characters become less a part of tv world, the real, unpleasant details of life like ads on the screens at gas stations start becoming real to them.

Jack reaches for the Brownberry. The butter bread is out. This is what they have. And he and Sam like it. His fingers sink into the pillowy bread and-

a little rebellion that isn't even really a rebellion but it has to be framed that way to not be scary, you know? like that gives jack a bit of control over his fear.

All of his muscles lock. It’s instinctual. It’s instinctual because of the pain. The pain and the tearing sensation. The faint ringing in his ears. The tearing sensation in his- chest. The tug on his Grace as it- as it keeps him alive. 

His vision is dark, too dark to see. There is a dribbling feeling. Hot and runny. Like post-nasal drip except. Except on his back. Because one of the major arteries in his heart has been punctured. The strange balloon sensation as his Grace refills his circulatory system, only for blood to keep flowing out. His arteries rippling and clenching.

one of the reasons i didn't want jack to be relying on soul magic here is that i wanted this scene to work without really having tension strung over it. i wanted his grace to protect him without us having to worry about him chewing up his soul to do it.

It shifts inside him, slightly. Whatever it is. He can feel flesh parting, and a little more blood bubbles forth from his arteries. It’s shaking. Trembling. An involuntary shudder wracks Jack’s body, and the hole in him tears a little wider.

He knows this feeling. He’s been stabbed. 

It’s never happened from the back before.

He needs- hm. He needs to retake control of his muscles. It’s a jerky operation, he’s in shock. He has to bypass human neural impulses and do it with his Grace, because the nerves aren’t really firing right now. Contract the tricep - no, wrong one. Contract the deltoid to raise the arm, then the bicep, rotate the elbow, close the hand… got it.

Jack pulls the knife from his chest.

in a lot of ways this fic is what i did instead of stabfest this year. both literally in the sense that this fic is basically why i didn't do stabfest, but also figuratively because i am definitely drawing on the history of deancas horny stabbing that stabfest also draws upon.

It’s a strange sensation. More ripping flesh, combined with strange emptiness. Movement deep inside. Feeling where there should be no feeling. A surge of pain as the blade is taken away and clots that had futilely begun to form around it tear. Jack shudders again, and he coughs, an involuntary spasm. He feels the wetness on his mouth before registering the taste. He’s drooling blood, his lower lip tingles with it, with the stickiness. He can feel it dripping from the corner of his mouth. Beading and drying on his chin.

the image of blood from the mouth is one i liked. also this is intentionally horny. hopefully it came through :3

Flesh knits behind the retreating point of the knife. Soon Jack is good as new, save for the blood on his shirt. 

His muscles begin to work again. His eyes and ears come back online. Just in time for a soft little gasp from behind him.

Jack spins, appreciating his newfound control of his body. The proprioception and delicate balancing required to complete the movement.

He finds himself up against a familiar face.

Big buggy gray eyes, even more bulging than usual in a pixie face. Pointy nose jutting out far enough to nearly touch his own. Lips with a touch of artificial color parted to show large (but human) teeth. He can feel her breathe, feathers of air on his bloodstained mouth.

“Harper?” Jack asks, for lack of a better thing to say.

“Oh, crap.” Her face contorts into an anxious pout, and in a moment she’s stepping back, reaching into the pocket of her hot pink blazer.

Throwing a hexbag on the ground.

i was thinking about how being a necromancer is like. surely that is a type of witch. if harper is going to have tricks up her sleeve they'll be magic

A puff of purple smoke erupts from the bag and envelops her, filling his vision. He can still hear her feet slapping against the tile as she runs. All he can think is hey, you forgot your knife, but she’s gone.

As the smoke clears, Jack licks his lips. They’re salty. Tacky. He scrubs his mouth against his sleeve, trying to get the blood off. Most of it is on his back, and Jack is suddenly glad that he took his jacket off when he got into the store. He’s pretty sure all the blood ended up on the back of his shirt. There’s probably a little on his butt, but the jacket is long enough to cover that. Probably. 

i also enjoyed the sort of menstrual imagery here. jack is coming of age in blood, and there's bloody evidence of it. harper stabbing him woke something up in him.

He’s gonna have to turn all his clothes over to Dean when he gets home. Dean has a special method for getting bloodstains out of laundry, something with salt, and maybe dilute bleach. Jack likes these jeans. He hopes he won’t have to throw them away.

He grabs the bread, and marches to the next aisle.

-

When Jack comes in with the bags, Sam’s in the map room. He helps Jack unload. Ribs and tomatoes into the fridge, ice cream bars in the freezer, bulk peppercorns into the cabinet, bread on the counter. Sam gives a worried grimace when he sees the Brownberry.

sam knows there is hell to pay when small things go wrong

“Sorry,” Jack says. “They didn’t have any butter bread.”

“Yeah, yeah, of course,” Sam says, “I’m sure it’ll be fine.” Sam smiles at him for a moment. “Why don’t you toss me the car keys, and I can head out and get some at the gas station before everyone gets home.”

sam doesn't want jack's mistake to get him punished or start a big fight, so he's quietly sweeping up. perhaps more than he needs to. sam's obsequiousness and nervousness around dean adds to dean's presence as a larger than life fear figure for jack, ya know

Jack tosses him the keys. Sam wrinkles his nose.

“Man, it smells like blood in here for some reason.” Sam glances around. Jack suddenly remembers the gore under his jacket, but somehow, he can’t quite bring himself to let anyone know about seeing Harper. 

“Somebody must have forgotten to clean their machete or something,” Jack says, and Sam nods.

the casual omnipresence of violence <3 <3 <3.

A few minutes later, after he’s heard the car engine start, Jack hides the knife and his bloody jeans under his bed, and tosses the torn shirt in the trash.

continuing the menstrual image. jack is hiding it. he doesn't want his parental figures to know he's changing, that he is beginning to really... exist outside their control, i guess.

-

When Jack sees Harper again, they’re all on a ghost hunt outside Peoria. Sam and Dean are looking into the burial location of a woman who died mysteriously in 1875. Cas is waiting at the cemetery.

peoria is a great super depressing midwest name for a town. just fabulous.

The last time Jack had put on his FBI threads and tagged along as a “junior agent,” Dean had had to shut him up twice with a vicious pinch to the upper arm. He is on a burger run. 

once again jack's small freedoms are taken only when assigned menial tasks. like this is his time to be away from them. but also he is assigned these tasks because he's the lowest status member of the group, you know? they don't trust him with more serious stuff. so it's bittersweet.

He’d spotted a nice space between two bushes as they drove past this Wendy’s, and that’s where he lands, comfortably out of sight of any human. He rehearses in his head. This time he won’t forget that Dean likes the double, not the triple. And he will get a seltzer for Cas, even though he didn’t ask, because Cas likes the bubbles. He marches towards the doors, intentionally ignoring the parking lot’s car exhaust-and-piss smell, and the Frogger-feeling of being in a space where pedestrians are technically allowed but generally unwanted. The noise of the adjacent highway rumbles in his ears. Loud enough that he doesn’t hear footsteps, and when he smells something sweet, at first he’s relieved. Then nothingness.

i dithered so much over whether jack knows what frogger is. but it's such an evocative reference to give that particular feeling of walking somewhere which is built for cars. anyway. chloroform smells sweet, apparently, and i thought since harper knows jack can't really be harmed, she would go for the classics. she's very fictionpilled.

Jack wakes to an itch. It’s not exactly on his skin. More… under it. Like his subcutaneous fat is somehow inflamed. Or his muscles, maybe. Something deeper.

His hands are cuffed. That snaps his eyes open, and he sees the source of the itch. A brilliant sun of orange-red lines stretching out from the chair that he’s bound to to the edge of a twenty foot diameter circle on a concrete floor. A binding sigil. One he doesn’t recognize.

And at the edge of the circle, there she is. 

once again, harper's magic expertise.

The light where they are - Jack glances around at the gray concrete and piled boxes and guesses “warehouse” - is dim enough that he can’t really see her face, at least at this distance. But he can see her shape, petite, hands clasped, wispy curled hair floating to her shoulders, and he can make assumptions.

“Sorry,” she calls, and yeah, it’s definitely Harper. The word comes out sawry, very Nebraskan. “I don’t really know what you are, so I figured better safe.” She sucks air in through her teeth, and Jack can just make out the shape of an embarrassed grimace.

harper doesn't really know much about the supernatural beyond magic. i always find it dumb when characters on spn refer to "a hunter" as if that's a single, coherent type of guy, so i've decided that when harper referred to jack as a hunter, she thought he was some sort of witch hunter, which is a problem it makes sense for her family to have dealt with in the past.

“I-” Jack starts, but his voice gives out before he can continue, his throat dry as gravel. He tries to fill his mouth with spit, tries to swallow, but no dice. He sends a tendril of power into the sigil, and it flashes blood red. He could probably break out, but not without vaporizing several city blocks.

and he kind of, sort of chooses to stay here. because he's maybe a little bit intrigued.

“Oh, sweetie,” Harper says, and she hurries towards him with stiff shoulders and bouncing little steps, delicately avoiding the lines of the sigil. 

harper is not really totally prepared for this.

Now he can see her face. She bends at the waist, head swinging down like it’s on a hinge so the tips of their noses are on a level. And she cups his face with her hand. 

It’s warm. Her fingers are slim, spidering out across his cheek. Her pointer is nearly at the edge of his eye, and the tip of her pinky is tucked under his jaw. Her skin is soft against his.

face touch <3

She presses plastic - a water bottle - to his lips.

It’s just water, he can tell that much. It tastes like plain tap water, cold and quenching, and he gulps it down. The plastic crinkles as she squeezes it. She strokes her thumb over his cheekbone. Maybe the water’s cursed? Hopefully not, because he’s so thirsty. She tips the bottle, and it floods his mouth. He almost gags, but manages to breathe through his nose and slow his swallows.

horny,

“Are you okay?” Her face is close again. She took the empty bottle away, he heard the crinkling plastic, and now he’s seeing her eyes. They’re very big. Her hand is warm on his cheek. Jack tilts his head to feel the blood move around inside. 

“Where am I?” His throat is thick with disuse. It’s as good a starter as any. Probably the most useful information he can find out, right now. Her eyes are very big. 

distracted <3

“Oh, this is a shipping warehouse for a pastry company. I thought it would smell nicer.” She pouts a little. 

harper is just not prepared for this at all. jack could definitely do a better job kidnapping someone due to his hunting experience.

“Yes,” Jack says, he can feel her hand, it’s slipped lower and his voice vibrates against it, “warehouses all just kind of smell the same.” His breathing hitches a little. “Or bad.” One time, Dean had him and Cas stake out outside a meat packing plant. He grimaces at the memory.

see what i mean? warehouses are practically jack's stomping ground because literally most of his life experience is hunting related.

“Ugh, unfortunate,” Harper says, and rolls her eyes, flicking them up dramatically, and Jack strains his own trying to follow them, she’s so close, “I guess you can’t win ‘em all. So, did you ever get my letter?”

“What?” Her lips are slightly glossy. He can feel the movement of his own breath.

“My letter. I sent it to Lebanon.” She stands to put her hands on her hips, and Jack feels the loss of warmth against his cheek.

“No, I mean- no. Sorry,” he says. Grasps for what she might want. “That’s sweet though. That you sent it.”

the placaterrrrrrr

He’s right. She lights up.

“Thanks! I think letter writing is underappreciated these days, especially for love notes. I’m glad you’re someone who understands that.”

“Yeah,” Jack says, “Dean says old formats are always better. Like tapes, or vinyl. I think that includes letters.”

🥴 well

Harper nods.

“I like a lot of old fashioned things. Like dating! Nobody our age ever wants to go on a date anymore. They all just wanna use ‘apps’” - she makes the quote marks with her fingers - “to ‘hang out.’ It’s terrible. Do you like dating, Jack?”

“I’ve-” never gone on a date, he starts to say, but changes course when he remembers where he is, “I- yes! I like… going on dates.”

the placaterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. and he's not even necessarily doing it right.

A shadow passes across her face, just for a moment, but then she’s overjoyed, clapping her hands together.

harper jealousy moment <3

The date looks like a card table that Harper hauls out of somewhere in the warehouse and struggles to unfold, and a styrofoam box of mostly cold shrimp scampi. By the time everything is set up, with a folding chair for her and a candle in the middle of the table, she’s red faced and puffing. 

There are plates for the scampi, baby blue with a flower motif, and the pasta slops out of wet styrofoam haphazardly. It’s still warm enough not to be a gelatinous glob, but the fettuccine is tangled. Harper pulls out a cigarette lighter and burns her thumb lighting the candle. She sticks it in her mouth. Jack can see her tongue working, lapping at her injured cuticle. When the digit emerges it’s slick and wet. He can feel the air through his own slightly parted lips.

horny,,

Finally, Harper leans down and looks him in the eye.

“Be a good boy, okay?” she says. Her mouth is still a little shiny with spit. Jack nods. 

like the thing is jack doesn't really even... perceive the problem with what harper has done to him. like most of his interactions with the outside world have involved a lot of torture, murder, and imprisonment, because it's all involved hunting. and he is, well, enjoying the fact that a cute, age appropriate girl is paying attention to him and touching his face and pouring water down his throat.

She closes her eyes and touches the cuffs. They unlock. She flashes him an awkward grin as she slips into her chair. The silence lingers for a little too long before she says “come on, try the pasta.”

Jack stretches his hands. He feels Grace begin to flow, warming them and smoothing out the ache of being held in one position for so long. Three of his knuckles crack of their own accord.

He picks up the fork and does as he’s told.

“I like it,” he says. The pasta glops in his mouth. It’s a little hard to swallow.

one of my themes here is that jack doesn't necessarily know what he likes. almost every time he says "i like [thing]" in this fic he's doing it to please someone else. he's kind of learning his own preferences over the course of the fic, but he hasn't had an opportunity to before. he's been too busy, well, placating. i mean his preferences have to be negotiated! going back to the first scene, even buying the brand of bread he likes can be a transgression.

“And I like you,” Harper says, beaming.

-

Later, when he reappears in the motel room, sans burgers, he finds Sam pacing, and Dean nursing a sullen beer on his and Cas’ bed.

“Where were you?” Sam says, as Jack eyes Dean. “Cas is out looking for you.”

“I was…” he trails off, and then decides on the truth, or most of it. “I was with a girl.”

jack still wants to keep harper to himself.

“A girl?” Dean says, and he doesn’t sound angry, he sounds… surprised.

gay dean winchester voice i thought you were a little homo like your dad, gay castiel.

“Like, a date.” Jack says. And Dean�� laughs?

“Hey, that’s my boy,” Dean says, and he stands just to clap Jack on the shoulder. “Just come see me before the third date, alright?” Sam steps back, still looking concerned, but Dean is glowing. He ruffles Jack’s hair, and Jack feels himself smile. Dean is pleased. It feels… warm. Exciting.

gay dean winchester giving jack a good grade in being straight <3 and the thing is. jack does crave dean's approval. is the thing. like it's thrilling. dean is so mercurial that when the sun shines, it shines. jack isn't interested in approval from sam, or even really cas, because he's fairly confident in that. he craves approval from dean. this is like. unfortunately, one of the more genuine pleasures that jack actually likes.

-

On the drive home, Cas holds his hand the whole time.

one of my theses for the fic is that cas' main way of conveying affection to jack is touch, not speech. he's not exactly an accomplished communicator and cas, classically, is Not Thinking about stuff mostly. also, cas is worried here that he's losing his baby....... anxious angel.......

-

Dean is always first to jump in the shower when they all get home. He says that he’s too spoiled for motel room showers, these days, what with the bunker’s water pressure. He’s already sitting at the map table, wet hair combed back, by the time Jack has plugged his phone in and wandered back out to the kitchen for a snack.

neuroticism boy <3

“Hey, Jack,” he says. Jack stops, cereal box in hand. “Good job with the ghost back there. Even if you were gone for a couple hours in the middle.”

“Thanks, Dean,” Jack says, uncertain.

“Now that you’re getting a taste for the outside world,” Dean raises his eyebrows meaningfully, “it’s time we started taking you on some real hunts again. Let you get your hands dirty. This is a family business, after all.”

it sure fucking is.

“Yes. Yes, I’d like that.”

jack saying he likes stuff again <3

“Good kid.”

approval seeking missile.

-

A few days later, Jack finds himself dialing the number Harper put in his phone.

“So there’s this coffee shop in Lebanon…”

-

“...And then she wakes up to this mysterious monster stroking her face, because he was watching her sleep. Obviously.” Harper’s eyes are closed. She slowly twirls the stir stick in her caramel mocha.

“And she’s okay with that? When he just kidnapped her?” Jack leans forward. That’s what humans do, to show interest.

“Of course!” Harper says. “It’s romantic.”

“Makes sense,” Jack says, nodding. Romantic . Intriguing. He makes a mental note.

She regales him with the rest of the plot of Phantom of the Opera, and that’s easy. That, he’s ready for. But on the internet, it said you were supposed to talk about your interests on dates. So he had tried to prepare. He likes Star Wars . He likes Riverdale , although he’s only seen the first two seasons. He likes… phone games? He’s beaten all of Bouncy Hills , is that an interest? He likes… hunting?

i needed a romance where the love interest watches the mc sleep, and by happenstance i had literally just seen a performance of phantom while i was writing. it was originally a non-existent book, but i was so careful to be specific and real with all the other brands and pop-culture references and stuff, so i was happy phantom dropped into my lap at the last minute. oh and i chose not to use twilight bc that's too generic. anyway. we also have jack here really not knowing what he likes and wants. he doesn't really have interests outside of the family business, you know? he's an extension of his parents, he's not his own person. but he wants to be.

“So, what do you do all day,” Harper asks, and Jack says:

“Well, Sam and Dean have been teaching me to shoot.”

“They are? How come?” Harper’s eyes grow impossibly wider. They’re like wet marbles. Jack breathes in through his nose, and he can smell her strawberry lipgloss.

“Well, Sam says in case I lose my powers, I should know how to hunt the old fashioned way. And Dean says,” he pauses to pull his tongue back and take a breath so he can get the impression right, “‘ there are certain things a young man needs to know .’ So I’ve been learning.”

god dean is so funny

She giggles.

“So you’re like my very own Robinhood? Could you shoot an apple off my head?”

“No.” Jack shakes his head. His stomach twists as the image of Harper’s head bursting like a watermelon occurs to him. But everything is fine. He’s seen headshots before. Everything is fine. “I’m not very good,” he says, feeling vaguely apologetic. Harper frowns. 

i love how harper is ALSO incapable of seeing red flags. what if you were BOTH raised in different serial killer cults and only knew how to live your lives from books and movies.

“Aww,” she says. “Can I at least see your gun sometime?” Her hand brushes against him. Lands on his thigh. Jack feels a little hitch in his chest.

“Yeah, sure,” he says, after a long beat. He’s been using Sam’s for practice. But he can probably borrow one from Dean’s collection. “And besides,” he adds, “Dean says only chumps shoot for the head. A decent gunman will aim for the heart, every time.”

symbolism, whatever. also, when he borrows dean's gun to look cool <3

-

Dean and Sam are always talking about how much they love IHOP pancakes, but Jack likes Dean’s pancakes the best. Dean always makes them with chocolate chips, and cooks frozen strawberries into a syrup. Jack likes the butter they have at home better, too, the unsalted kind. The salted kind stresses him out, it’s too much.

jack once again sharing my food tastes, fuck salted butter. anyway. when it's domestic (evil).

Jack has a bite halfway to his mouth, slathered in strawberry syrup with a fresh (though still slightly green) banana, when Dean turns to him from the head of the table.

the banana will return.

“So, Jack,” Dean says, and Jack freezes, fork in the air. 

He meets Dean’s eyes and waits. Sam and Cas are still, as well.

“You went out. On your own.”

Jack swallows.

“Yeah, um. I’m… seeing someone.”

“Seeing someone? Like, a girl?”

“Yes.” Syrup drips onto Jack’s plate.

“Is it serious?”

“I… I don’t know,” Jack finds himself saying. He and Harper have been on two dates. What does that mean? “I like her.”

now this is more questionable. does he like her? he's certainly attracted to her. but is he dating her because he likes her or because he's a placation machine. like honestly this fic is kind of about the interplay of genuine pleasure and placation/approval seeking.

Dean mhm s.

menacing...

-

Jack needs to figure out where else he can take Harper on a date. But the problem is he’s… never really been anywhere? Motels all over the country, sure, and police stations, but for a date? He’s been to the Walmart, and to the Starbucks just outside Lebanon. He’s been to the closest bar to pick up Dean, once? He’s been in the Impala. But he’s never really been out in the world. Not the way normal people are, every day. He doesn’t even live in a house. Hasn’t ever really been in one for longer than a few minutes. The fluorescent light above his head flickers.

please hold my hand and imagine with me jack picking up dean from a bar. bad <3

-

Jack is watching Clone Wars in the Dean Cave when Cas comes in and sits next to him on the couch. Jack takes his headphones off. The leather creaks. Cas is a solid, warm presence, and Jack leans into him. 

headphones will return.

“What are you watching?” Cas asks.

“ The Rise of Clovis . I’m rewatching season six.” Jack shuts the laptop entirely.

had to interview my clonewarspilled friend @butchcastiel for this line. this is an episode where anakin beats a guy padme is fake-dating to a bloody pulp...

“Oh. I liked that one.” Cas strokes a hand through Jack’s hair. “I was thinking, Jack,” he says.

...which is why cas likes it <3

“About what?”

“I thought we could go on a little vacation together. A fishing trip. Dean says that that’s something fathers and sons do, away from the rest of the family.” Cas squeezes his arm.

yet the right hand knows not what the left hand is doing. an escape attempt, even if cas isn't thinking of it that way.

“Yeah, of course,” Jack says. He would like to spend time with Cas. Away from. From everything.

jack is though. maybe. in the back of his mind.

-

Sam and Dean are talking in the map room. Jack can’t hear what about, but he hears the table rattle. Someone had slammed their fist on it. He puts his headphones on. She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes…

i thought this was a funny song choice.

-

There’s a soft knock on Jack’s doorframe. The door is open, but Sam is always careful to announce himself.

Jack looks up from his phone. He’d been playing Royal Match, nothing too interesting.

once again trying to stick to brands.

“Hey, Jack,” Sam says, a little apologetic. Sam is nearly always apologetic.

“Hi, Sam.” Jack waits. Sam will spit it out, eventually.

“I just wanted to,” Sam ducks his head a little as he enters the room, as always, even though he isn’t actually quite tall enough for his head to hit the doorframe, “you know, talk.”

“I like talking to you,” Jack says. 

this. is also maybe not true <3

“Yeah.” Sam’s mouth twitches. “I thought since, you know, you’re dating and all that, we could have a kind of, you know, chat. About dating.” It only takes Sam three steps to reach the bed, and he sits next to Jack. Jack locks his phone.

The silence is a little uncomfortable. Sam is making a face. There is some kind of importance that Sam and Dean are putting on all this that Jack does not really understand, but he wishes they would get over it. He doesn’t want to say that, though.

“It- it can be nice. You know,” Sam starts, “meeting new people. Getting, um, involved. You know, butterflies, and all that.”

“Butterflies?”

“Figure of speech.” Sam huffs a laugh. “I mean getting, you know, infatuated. When you really like someone and they make you nervous and excited at the same time.”

That seems right. Jack scoots a bit to turn more towards Sam.

jack is maybe not interpreting "nervous" in the way sam means it. in fact sam may actually be reinforcing some bad stuff for jack like "it's normal to be afraid of people you are close to" <3

“And I just wanted to say… that’s okay. If you want to, you know, put yourself out there. Experience new things. Get away from the family for a bit.” Sam smiles, but it’s more like a kind of grimace. “I just wanted to say that you should… be careful. Sometimes a girl can, um, she can change you. Not always in ways that you like. So uh, keep an eye on that.”

ruby mentionnnnnn. anyway if i was ready to add maybe 5k more words to this fic it would have had a whole samwena subplot where sam neurotically freaks out about his own fetish for evil women. also hilariously. jack is in fact kind of replicating one of sam's patterns in this fic. but maybe not exactly this one <

Jack is a bit lost, but Sam is still grimacing at him, so he nods.

“I will. Don’t worry.” 

Sam looks relieved.

“Great. You’re a great kid, Jack.”

-

Harper has started texting Jack “good morning” every morning. With a little heart. 

Usually, they come in around eight. He anticipates them each day. They make his heart pick up speed. Jack doesn’t sleep much, now that his Grace is back, so responding ends up marking time for him in a way the lightless bunker can’t. It’s nice, a little deadline. He has to respond, or she’ll get mad. Like clockwork.

jack loves to be afraid in his relationships it's so familiar.

Morning, he sends. For an emoji, this morning, he picks the heart eyes face.

-

Dean is in the kitchen. Outside in the hallway, Jack can hear him. He’s putting the dishes away, judging from the clatter. Probably in a good mood, then. Jack can come in.

All of the stock pots are on the kitchen counters. Dean is stacking them by size to fit them in the upper cabinet where they go. 

“Dean?” Jack says.

“Yeah?” Dean answers, still fiddling with the pots. It’s almost more of a yup, actually. Like yeeauhp.

i put so much effort into the deanisms in this fic.

“You said to come talk to you. Before the third date.” Jack waits. Dean puts his pots down. Turns around. 

god dean is so sitcompilled

He takes a breath, holds it for a moment, and lets it out in a sigh, eyes closed. Jack steps back, ready to leave Dean alone, but when Dean opens his eyes again, he frowns at Jack’s movement.

“C’mere, kid.” Jack steps forward again, close enough that Dean puts a hand on his arm, draws him in until they’re side by side leaning against the counter. “Do you know what a condom is?”

Jack has never heard the word. He feels the slight pinch of a definition slotting into place in his mind, a latex sheath worn on the penis during sex to prevent pregnancy and disease. The image presented is of a little blue ring in a square packet.

He nods.

“Okay, great,” Dean says. “I’m gonna go get one in a minute. Show you how to put it on. But I want to impress upon you that latex is your best friend.”

Jack nods again.

“The first rule,” Dean points a finger at him, “is that if a chick says she’s on birth control, no she isn’t. That’s your responsibility. You don’t want twenty years of child support, and we don’t want some kind of double nephilim running around. Plus, I’m pretty sure you’re too magic for the clap, but let’s not risk it.” Jack is staring at the refrigerator, listening to Dean’s words. He’s not sure what the clap is. “You still with me, kid?”

DEAN MISOGYNY MOMENTTTTTTTTTT also dean being like you shouldn't breed because you're genetically evil moment

“Yes,” Jack nods aggressively. He turns to look Dean in the eye.

“Good.” Dean pats his arm. “The second rule is, make sure everyone’s having fun, capisce? If you want her to come back, it’s not just do what feels right or whatever hippie crap they probably teach in schools these days. Girls are like cars, it’s mechanical. You have to understand how things work and put some elbow grease in, understand me?”

gay dean winchester: you think sex with women is supposed to make you feel good? bake you an apple pie, maybe? it's supposed to make you miserable that's why it's sex with women. i wanted dean to have some deranged misogynistic things to say, but i didn't want it to come off as rapey because that just like... isn't his derangement. that's how i came up with the "hippie crap" line. i wanted it to come off more "insanely regimented and rules-oriented" than "sleazy." also, carfucker <3

“I understand.” Jack blinks once.

“Okay, follow me.” Dean grabs a banana for some reason, then beckons as he marches out of the kitchen.

RETURN OF THE BANANA

Dean explains his system as they walk. “First of all, don’t go straight for the cooch. That, heh, makes you an asshole. Show her a good time, first. It’s called foreplay, and it’s important. You know, kiss her, touch her, all that stuff.” He gesticulates with the banana. “Depends on the girl, but some common places they like to be kissed, touched, licked, lightly pinched, or tickled are on the neck, collarbone, tops of the shoulders, just behind the ears, breasts (especially the nipples), sides, hips, bellybutton, small of the back, underside of the stomach, and inner thighs. Be gentle, no girl likes to feel pawed at unless she has some kinda serious daddy issues.” Dean glances at Jack. Jack follows him into his and Cas’ room.

i just love it when dean says heh. he's such a heh guy. also. no girl likes to feel pawed at unless she's got some serious daddy issues, likely thing for dean winchester to say <3. also, well. stay tuned for more info about jack's bedroom preferences.

“Once you’re cleared for landing, though, there’s a method. You don’t just stick it in.” Dean sits on his bed with a grunt, and starts rummaging in the bottom drawer of his end table. “Damn,” he says, as an aside, “I thought I was up shit creek.” He withdraws a cardboard box like a box of bandaids from the drawer and puts it on the bed, next to the banana. 

“Okay. Well, you're gonna want to touch her, first. You can look up diagrams on the internet for help with what it's gonna look like, but find the clitoris. Get your fingers a little wet first. If she's wet, use that. Otherwise you can lick your fingers or use a condom-safe lube. Then stroke it, and press gently. You can stick your fingers in, too, but only if she's wet. If she doesn't get into it, then you can suck her clit, that never fails. If she's really into it, you can stick your tongue in, but don't start there, work up to it.” Dean looks at Jack for confirmation. Jack mhms . “You know, I tried to teach your dad all this stuff. Never got the sense he listened too closely. I suppose we know why, now.” Dean grins, looking off into the distance. There's a pause, and then he clears his throat. 

gay dean winchester: i tried to teach your dad, my partner who i am sleeping with homosexually, how to have sex with women. but obviously we know he's gay now, because he's having sex with me. so it makes sense that he didn't listen to my unhinged "advice."

“Alrighty. During all this, you should try to stay, uh, ready, as they say, or she might get offended. That shouldn't be too hard at your age, but if it becomes a problem, you can utilize the three d’s - distract, distract, and distract. No girl is thinking about your dick while she's getting her pussy licked. And it's great cover if you need to jerk off a little or think about something else to get back at attention, if you know what I mean.” Jack doesn't, but agrees anyways. 

gay dean winchester, after having just discussed how his same sex partner is gay, in their shared bedroom: obviously you won't always be able to get it up or keep it up, that's completely normal and you shouldn't be discouraged.

“So! This,” Dean reaches into the box and pulls out a packet, “is a condom.” He bares his teeth and tucks the foil between them, ripping it open. Sam is always telling Jack not to open things that way. The latex inside is red, and not blue. The banana has reappeared in Dean’s hand. It's bright yellow. perfectly ripe with one brown spot. Dean’s fingers sink in a little. “When you put it on, you pinch the tip,” he demonstrates, “and roll it down.” The latex makes the banana odd textured and shiny. Jack is aware that some condoms are lubricated , which is probably why this one is so slippery looking. “These ones,” Dean shakes the box, “are expired.” he pulls a face that Jack can’t really parse. “If you’d come to me a few years ago, you’d never have found me disappointing Tom Lehrer like that, but I guess I’m getting old. And it’s not so relevant, these days. But I can’t have you packing expired rubber, so tomorrow, you and I are gonna go to the drug store and we’re gonna pick up a box, how’s that sound?”

i spent so much time trying to figure out whether it was reasonable for dean to know who tom lehrer is..... ended up asking my dad......

“Sounds good,” Jack says. 

“Good kid,” Dean says, and claps Jack on the shoulder. “My dad always said if you're not mature enough to look the cashier in the eye while you buy condoms, you're not mature enough to be using ‘em. Now, I’ve got one last thing for you. This,” Dean reaches across the bed again, twisting his body to get into the drawers, “is a key to your room.” He produces a big brass skeleton key, easily the length of one of his fingers. “Remember to lock up before you get up to anything, eh?”

hits you with the "my dad always said" beam. also big boys who fuck have finally earned the right to privacy for the first time ever.

Jack nods. Before he gets up to sex. Is what Dean means. Because that’s private.

“So, what do you say about coming back to the kitchen and helping me make dinner, before you get too grown up to lick the spoons?”

-

Sam is the only person home when Jack finally invites Harper over, and he’s promised to make himself scarce “unless you need anything.” Dean and Cas are out on a hunt together, for, according to Dean, “a little alone time.” But Dean has given his blessing for the date. He showed Jack where to find microwave popcorn, and how to melt chocolate to drizzle on top. He bought a box of pop just for the occasion, told Jack which beer he was allowed to steal, and even taught Jack how to mix a cocktail called an old fashioned. Apparently “ chicks hate straight whiskey .” 

kansas is in the pop belt. so i feel justified in saying pop here. also dean is so happy that jack is getting a good grade in being straight and even happier that dean gets to micromanage it every step of the way <3 <3 <3

Harper knocks softly, but the acoustics of the main hall of the bunker are such that it echoes around the place. A kind of whispery thrum, by the time the sound is done bouncing.

When Jack opens up, she's wearing a red jacket. It’s so bright. He’s never seen anyone other than Rowena wear something so colorful. There’s a thread loose near the collar in a way Rowena would never tolerate, though.

man jack doesn't know any women and also everyone on supernatural dresses the same. lord. anyway the loose thread is because she's laundering shit instead of dry cleaning it because she's living in her carrrrrr

“Hi.” He waves at her.

“Hi.” She waves back.

Their footsteps echo as they skitter down the stairs, Jack first, then Harper.

“It’s so… spacious,” Harper says, her cheeks stretching out in a smile that Jack is pretty sure you could qualify as nervous.

“Yeah, you know, it’s Men of Letters.” He’s halfway through his answer when he remembers to look at her when he talks.

“What’s that?” She cocks her head. The greenish lighting of the bunker washes her out. It even sucks the color from her clothes.

“You know, I’m not sure. Sam and Dean are apparently legacies, whatever that means. And some of them are British? I think Ketch was one.” The wood of the main room gives way to the concrete of the hallway under his feet as he leads her to the Dean Cave. 

“Ketch?” 

“Yeah, he’s… he’s a guy we know, I guess.”

hey did you guys remember that jack apparently video calls with ketch. i do.

Once they’re in the La-Z-Boys, she puts on a show called Pushing Daisies , which Jack likes. The bright colors and narrator make it easy to follow. He likes the world the main characters live in. It seems nice.

like the thing about 14x06 optimism is that it's basically a whole episode reference to pushing daisies. which i find charming. even if i don't actually like pushing daisies that much.

“Isn’t it so cute?” she stage-whispers, as Ned and Chuck play outside in the garden.

“Yeah,” Jack says. He’s not sure what’s supposed to be cute about accidentally killing your mother, but he makes a note of it.

jack voice that's the thing i'm sensitive about..... also this is a special treat that will help us later.

“Hey, um,” Harper says, “I’m sorry I stabbed you,” while the funeral director dies on the toilet.

“Oh, um. Okay,” Jack says.

“You don’t think it means I don’t love you, do you?” she sucks air in through her teeth. “Vance thought it meant I didn’t love him.”

“No, no,” Jack says, “getting stabbed hurts a lot less than getting shot, and people who love me have shot me before.”

Harper nods, contemplative, as Ned and Chuck stare at each other in horror.

i liked how this made it feel like the tv characters were reacting to the insane things that are being said. also, harper's reaction to the thing jack just said:

Jack’s hand is resting on the arm of his chair, she brushes her fingertips against his. It takes him a moment to discern what she wants, but then their hands hang between the chairs, joined, as Ned and Chuck kiss through their plastic wrap.

the placaterrrrr

-

“She sounds very sweet,” Cas says. “Your father did that when we first met as well. Stabbed me, I mean.” His face has gone dreamy.

well. as i said. this fic is situated in the cultural history of deancas horny stabbing... anyway. when cas' baby boy grows up to share his tastes <3

Jack nods. Dean. He means Dean.

-

Jack knows how to use Google. “What do boys and girls do on dates” is an easy enough query. And he has more questions. 

“Why do boys and girls like each other.” 

“What do girls like.”

“What do boys like.”

“What do people in relationships do.”

“How to date.”

“What do roses mean.”

“Why are diamonds a girl’s best friend.”

“What’s marriage.”

“Why do people like sex.”

“How to have sex.”

-

They’re watching Lost Boys again, but Jack has figured out how to get away with looking at his phone. Harper has been texting him a lot lately.

part of this is like. well the lost boys thing is one more way in which jack is not master of his own destiny. he doesn't even get to pick the movies he watches, it's one more way in which he's not allowed to develop outside the family and it makes sense that it would annoy him. but also maybe the issue here is that he is perhaps, scared of failing to answer harper.

Bzzt. So you guys kill more than just witches?

Yeah, Jack types, we kill all sorts of things.

Bzzt. That’s so scary. My mom only ever told me about witch hunters. That's all I ever really needed to know back home.

There are a lot of monsters out there. Sam and Dean have killed a lot of different types.

Bzzt. Can I see one?  

Jack blinks. The impulse to tell her that she has strikes him, but that would be weird. It would be a weird thing to say. She doesn’t know he’s a monster. Probably.

just a little reminder that jack is a person who was born into the leopards eating people's faces party, and that he's trying to recruit harper into it as well.

Sure. I’ll get them to take us along on a hunt sometime.

-

Sam catches him after breakfast. Hovering at his shoulder as he loads the dishwasher.

“I was wondering if you would be up for some shooting practice,” Sam says.

Jack can’t stop himself from rolling his eyes a little, but he nods.

sam is kind of jack's least favorite parent. he's close to cas, and is scared of/respects/seeks approval from dean, so sam is the odd man out, even though sam clearly does a lot of the material parenting work (teaching him things, helping him get out of trouble with dean, etc.)

He generally uses Sam’s gun at the range. It’s more comfortable in his hand than any of their spares, and Sam’s promised to get him a similar model once he’s ready to start out on hunts.

Jack hates the range. The noise-canceling earmuffs he has to wear give him a headache, and the kickback of the pistol jars the bones in his wrists. His aim sucks, and when he corrects it with his Grace, Sam makes him start over. “That's not the point.” Jack doesn't really understand what the point is.

jack putting on headphones to muffle noise is an image i stuck to in this fic. it was fun to play around with it.

Today they're doing 25 yards, at least, which is a lot easier. Jack starts out too low, but manages to walk his shots up until he's hitting nines, mostly. He still flinches at the shots, even with the earmuffs, but he's managing to keep it more subtle. Sam probably won't even notice. Hopefully.

yesssss flinchboy

One last crack, and that's actually a dead center hit. 

Something touches his back, and he jumps. Whirls. The gun is still in his hand, safety off.

jack gets to point a gun at dean for a change >:3

“Whoa there, sharpshooter, a little tense?” Dean says. Jack sees the words more than hears them. Lowers the gun. Tugs off his earmuffs. 

and dean just like. has no idea there's any tension in the household.

Dean’s hand. Dean’s hand patting him on the back. His heart is still racing a little, and he feels the corner of his mouth lift, against his will. Dean had been watching the whole time. Dean saw him hit the bullseye.

i tried to use the descriptor of jack's heart beating faster specifically when it's ambiguous whether he's excited or scared. anyway, approval seeking missile. jack doesn't even want to be that? like it's been clear so far that he is like. knowingly nervous of dean and unhappy living under him. but he also cannot help craving the approval.

His phone vibrates in his pocket. Harper’s good morning text.

another thing that it's ambiguous if jack is excited or scared about.

-

There aren’t any Aquariums in Lebanon, or in Smith Center. There aren’t really museums, exactly, either, at least not ones that aren’t basically run out of someone’s house. There aren’t roller rinks or even big malls. So Jack does his best to do as the internet says, and invites Harper to see a landmark instead: the Geographic Center of the Contiguous United States.

Well, he invites her, but she’s the one who picks him up in her yellow punchbuggy. It’s only about a half hour from the bunker, but she grips the steering wheel a bit alarmingly on the highway and grimaces.

everyone on this stupid show has a stupid ass fancy car. i thought a punchbuggy would be the logical choice for harper.

“I’m not, you know, really all that used to driving.” She gives a nervous giggle as the car she cut off the get to the exit lane beeps at her. “In McCook… I just- there were barely stoplights. We had a couple old guys there who went around on golf carts. Like in the road. I mostly just walked.”

Jack nods. He knows the feeling. He mostly just flies.

“I don’t drive either,” he tries, “I don’t get out much.”

“I like that in a man,” she grins, and turns her head, eyes firmly off the road. “It means you can’t cheat on me with some hussy. I don’t know what I’d do.” Her tone is trying for joke, but it isn’t quite working. She winks, but is also giving him somewhat of an intense stare.

He feels his cheeks heat, and his heart pick up.

ambiguous whether he's nervous or excited <3

The car hits the rumble strip, and Harper squeaks and turns back to the road.

The inside of the bug stinks of a rather pungent air freshener, and underneath that, something vaguely greasy. He wants to wrinkle his nose, but that might be bad. There’s a single fry in the cupholder. The back is crammed with junk: some cardboard boxes, a white trashbag full of clothes, and what looks like camping stuff. There’s a space cleared behind Harper’s seat, but it isn’t too big. Looks like just enough to put her seat back.

YEEEEEEAHHHHHH LIVIN IN HER CAR NOT COPING WITH REAL LIFE.

The Geographic Center of the Contiguous United States is mostly just a lump of rock. There’s a flag on top, obviously, but there isn’t much more to do once they’ve both climbed up and climbed down again. (The rock, not the flagpole, although Jack had considered trying to go up that, too. Just for a moment. Before he felt how slippery it was.)

“You know, it isn’t actually the geographic center,” Jack says. He’s supposed to make conversation.

“Really?” Harper says. The pitch is going up. She’s interested. He’s done well. “Then why…” she waves her hand at the flag.

“Apparently, the real center is on a farm up that way somewhere. Somebody owns it.” He points vaguely north. He’s quickly running low on Wikipedia facts he memorized for the date.

There’s a little hole in her red jacket. He taps her on the shoulder and puts a finger to it, but she flinches away. Now that he’s looking, the whole thing is looking a bit tattered. She grimaces.

the jacket deteriorates more.

“Sorry. It’s kind of hard to do dry-cleaning when you’re living in your car.” She looks away. “Everything is so hard out here. In McCook I knew where everything was and how everything worked. And everyone knew each other! And liked each other! And out here everything is gray and- and it's nothing but chain stores and corn fields and I don't know how any of it works! I got a parking ticket the other day, Jack! I don't even have a checkbook, how am I supposed to pay it? The outside world is so- so unromantic!”

definitely thinking of hero's journey here. except she got plucked out of yockeynatural which is even more fantastical and much more idyllic. anyway. as i said earlier i was also totally thinking of trapdoor. also, harper voice "romantic" <3

A single tear slips down her face.

“Oh.” He isn’t sure what to say to that, and her face is dark, so he just takes her hand instead. It seems to cheer her up a little, and Jack makes a mental note.

“I'm glad I have you, though,” she says, and squeezes his hand.

They end up wandering towards the US Center Chapel, a few yards off. The only building visible along the rather desolate highway edge. 

Jack remembers something he read about the chapel.

“Harper, check this out,” he says, pointing to a wooden box near the entrance. “Look, you can write little notes.”

“Oh, that’s so sweet! I guess the outside world can be nice sometimes.” exclaims Harper, her mood abruptly turning, “We should write something.”

“Yes.” Jack considers what he’s read on the internet. “You can’t go wrong with a classic.” That’s what Dean would say. He tears a slip of paper from the pad next to the box. Writes out H + J and traps the letters in a little heart.

handjob lol

“Oh, Jack,” Harper says, brushes her hand against his cheek. Her fingers are so soft. Delicate. He draws in a sharp breath. Her eyes look a little teary. She hesitates a moment before putting the paper in the slot, but it slips in eventually. 

FACE TOUCHING

She falls against him. She’s so little, her weight is barely an impact as he catches her and her head is under his chin, but she clutches around his ribcage and buries her face in his collarbone, and oh wow.

-

Cas is standing in the library when Jack walks in. His back is to the door, but Jack can feel his father watching him.

cas is the only person in this fic who jack refers to as his dad.

He goes to stand next to Cas. Cas reaches out, puts an arm around his shoulder. Jack leans against him.

“So, how are things with Harper?” Cas says it casually but there is a jolt of energy behind the words that he isn’t letting out on the human plane.

“They’re good. She likes me.”

Cas squeezes him a little tighter. He can feel Cas’ tendrils around him again. He couldn't, as a human.

when they hug in their trueforms... weh.......

“Dean told me that I should have a discussion with you about intimacy.” He’s looking at Jack now.

“Um,” Jack starts, “I think Dean uh, mostly covered it…”

“There are elements that we experience that I don’t think Dean will understand.” We. Oh. Of course. “I want to share…” Jack feels Cas’ consciousness begin to entwine with his and realizes what’s about to happen. He pulls back. 

as @restlesshush put it: when cas is your dad and starts mindmelding with you and you've been burned before

“I don’t want to know what it’s like to have sex with Dean.” The words come out sharper than he intended, and Cas’ face falls. Jack can feel him wilting. “Sorry,” he adds, trying to save things.

ENMESHMENT LOSS :'( cas wants to share everything with jack and envelope him and become one person and etc. and he's HURT that jack doesn't want to know about sex with dean. jack's REJECTING him as a parent. :c

“Are you sure?” Cas asks.

“Yeah. I just- sorry.”

Suddenly Cas is holding him with both arms, face in his shoulder.

cas feels like he's losing jack to the outside world, as i've said. this may be part of the motivation for that fishing trip, as well.

“Dean says you’re growing up,” he murmurs. Jack feels it more than hears it. He raises an arm and pats Cas on the back, the way he’s seen Dean do.

i really wanted to make this scene longer and more comedic as i've said, but it just was not happening. i needed it to be late in the fic and i needed late in the fic to be more serious, you know?

-

Harper is cute when she’s sleeping. She throws an arm up over her eyes and curls up, grasping one knee to her chest. In the orange of the streetlights, it’s adorable.

It’s a lot of work, getting up on the hood of her car without too much noise, but as long as he sits criss-cross applesauce, it’s pretty comfortable. And the one time she woke up, she gasped like she was scared, her mouth wide and plush and shiny, but then she blushed firetruck red and grinned and made a little heart with her hands, so this is probably what he was supposed to do. It’s romantic. 

just like harper's book! jack is trying to do the correct thing and he has no idea how to do that except from media and what harper has told him. and she has no idea what a red flag is so she thinks it's all cool.

-

Bzzt. So, what kind of music do you like?

I like classic rock.

Bzzt. Oh, cool. What do you like about it?

Well… Hm. Jack doesn’t know that much about music. What does he like? He knows… he knows what Dean likes. Does Jack even like music? It’s not a question he’s ever asked himself.

JACK FINALLY GRAPPLING WITH THE IDEA THAT HE MAY NOT LIKE THE THINGS HE THINKS HE DOES.

I just think it’s cool, I guess.

Bzzt. Okay!

-

The next time Harper comes over for a date, they watch Clone Wars . Harper says it's only fair, given that they watched her show last time.

They end up in Jack’s bedroom, since Sam, Dean, and Cas are watching The Beguiled in the Dean Cave. 

i mean the one from the seventies with clint eastwood obviously. anyway. thought that was a funny pull.

It's comforting, watching Clone Wars on a laptop. He's been doing it since he was only a few days old. Some of his first memories - real ones, not the strange dreams from before - include doing just this. 

return to the womb boy <3

He pulls up the movie first. Of course. But the opening crawl is barely over when he feels Harper tugging at him. She's kneeling beside him, sockfooted on the bed, shoes politely tucked next to his door. 

He turns, and suddenly her hand is on his jaw. A shiver runs through him, memories making his pulse speed up. Harper over him, pressure. Plastic at his lips. He closes his eyes. It's instinctive. Doesn't see but feels her pull him in.

ambiguous whether he's afraid or turned on. remember when she kidnapped him for a first date and then manhandled him?

Lip against lip is- It's interesting. Jack has touched his lips before. He's certainly put them against things. Food. His pillow. the turned up collar of his coat. And yet- and yet this is different. Something in it makes him shiver. 

Her hands are under his overshirt. Cool and powdery. He feels his stomach tighten as they sneak up his sides, brushing all the way.

Harper sucks his lip into her mouth. Scrapes it with her teeth. He feels a sharp movement of his own diaphragm, almost a hiccup, as she does it. 

He opens his eyes. Watches Harper devour his mouth. Her eyes, an inch or two away, flit under their lids like a girl dreaming. 

Cas had told him that he shouldn’t try to eat her. That he might get confused because he wanted something, but that eating wouldn’t be what he wants. He’s not sure what he wants.

this was my compromise since the cas sex ed scene had to be shortened.

He likes her.

this is the first time he's telling the real truth when he says he likes something. it comes after the music reckoning, so now jack knows that he's not sure of all his likes. but he's sure of this one.

Jack feels her move, and she’s light, but the way the canvas straps on his duffel bag are light. Weighing almost nothing, but holding everything. She’s across his lap, boxing him in. Straddling him. He can feel the heat, an emanation from between her legs. Jack chokes slightly. She leans forward, her body pressing against his until they’re collarbone to collarbone. Her lips brush his ear, and she whispers: “I’m better in bed than that orange slut will ever be.”

-

Dean catches the two of them sneaking to the door.

“You must be Harper,” he says, to Jack’s mortification. “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”

dean probably has enough cte at this point that he doesn't actually remember optimism

-

Sam jumps a little when Jack taps him on the shoulder. He always does that.

“Hey Jack,” he greets, shaking his hair out of his face. “What’s up?” He shuts his laptop and turns so he’s sitting sideways on the heavy wooden library chair.

“I wanted to talk to you about something,” Jack says. He fists his hands. He is going to ask. He is going to ask about Harper.

“Of course. You know you can always talk to me.”

“Yes. I like talking to you.” Is that true? Jack has never wondered before if that’s true. He is going to ask.

you see jack becoming more critical.

“So what’s up?”

He is going to ask.

“Can Harper come on a hunt with us?” The words don’t come out with the right inflection, but they’re out.

“Oh, uh, sure?” Sam says. “She knows, right? Cas said she knows. And she has some… ability…” Sam's mouth twitches, and he looks away.

sam projecting ruby and/or rowena again.

“Oh. Why wouldn't she?”

Sam's next breath is sharp, but he says nothing. Jack doesn't press further.

-

“Sam, Dean, Cas,” Jack says, “this is Harper.” He had agreed to “introduce her to the family,” if she was going to be hunting.

Harper stands at the end of the map table, like a doll waiting for an inspection.

Dean is sitting at the edge of the table, Sam and Cas on either side. He’d worked for hours on dinner, “ I don’t want to embarrass you in front of your girl, kid,” but all the sweat and exhaustion of that had been wiped away, probably with a shower, and he was looking every inch the congenial host. 

dean winchester "we can't let people know we sit" moment. also again dean is so excited to micromanage jack's heterosexuality

On one side, Sam smiles wanly at Harper. He seems nervous, somehow, his shoulders pulled in. Sam never seems quite comfortable at sit down family dinners, but this is more than that. His nerves seem directed at Harper. 

again. projecting ruby/rowena.

On the other side, Cas beams, even though Jack can see a little sparkle in his eyes.

cas crying a little...... his baby is growing apart from him.......

Harper’s place is set on Sam’s side of the table, and Jack’s on Cas’. 

“Come on, sit down,” Dean pronounces down the table, and everyone unfreezes. Harper seems to wake up from a stupor, and Jack follows her to her place at the table before looping back around to his own spot, behind the three grown ups.

Jack scoops mac ‘n cheese onto his plate as Dean interrogates Harper.

“So what do you do?”

“I’m a librarian.”

Harper meets Dean’s eyes solidly, but without challenge. Jack can’t help but be a little impressed. 

“Is it fun?”

“Yes, I love to read. I’ve always tried to see the world in books until now.”

“Where are you from?”

“Nebraska. You know, pretty small town. Not near anything important.”

“What’s your family like?”

“Oh, they’re nice. My mom taught me everything I know.” Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Sam zero in on her.

“That’s good, I like a girl who can respect her parents.”

YEEEEAAAHHHHH FAMILY BUSINESS.

Dean turns his gaze to Jack. Cas shoots him a little smile.

“So you two met on a case,” he says, “so how’d it happen? A little post-rescue eye magic, eh?”

“Well, actually, we were in a warehouse,” Jack starts, but his shins explode with pain. Harper has kicked him viciously under the table.

remember how dean pinched jack viciously earlier?

“Yeah, you know,” Harper says, “Jack saved me. From a monster.”

The image of Dean bursting into Harper’s apartment in pursuit of her ex-boyfriend comes unbidden to Jack’s mind.

teehee.

“Yeah,” he agrees, “totally.”

-

Jack jumps a little as air puffs out of the couch cushions. He’d had his eyes closed, been curled up, a little catnap while waiting on a text. But now someone is sitting beside him. Dean is sitting beside him. Jack doesn’t open his eyes, but he grips the arm of the couch.

“You know, kid, I’m proud of you,” he says. “Getting out there. Trying out living like regular people. The real world.”

“Yeah,” Jack says, quiet. He can sense Dean’s hand before it touches him, and he doesn’t flinch. Dean’s palm is warm resting on his elbow.

“I never really made it work, myself. I’m not used to the real world. Give me the life any day.”

like 80% of what dean means here is literally just "i, gay dean winchester, just could not hack it with a woman"

Dean chuckles. Jack glances over at him. He’s looking into the distance, somewhere else. Not any place in the bunker.

anyway this scene is about how dean is also like. a guy who was raised in a hole, like jack and harper. he too is from a serial killer cult and has no idea what's normal except what's on tv. it's turtles all the way down.

-

So, how did you get into Pushing Daisies, anyway?

Bzzt. My mom showed it to me. She wanted me to have positive necromancer role models.

That’s sweet. Where is your mom, anyway?

Bzzt. Oh, I killed her. She didn’t want Vance and me to be together.

That makes sense. Sometimes you do have to kill your family.

Bzzt. Exactly!

-

Jack’s got his headphones on to keep Sam and Dean’s voices out. Late every night when I am all alone, I call my baby on the telephone . He’s bored, stuck in his room all night, but it’s better than the alternative. Nothing sounds good to him, not TV, not games, not even YouTube, but he needs something to occupy himself.

During his research, the internet taught him about jerking off. A type of practice for sex, an experiment. He’s kind of curious about trying it.

jack jerking off to distract himself from sam and dean audibly fighting in the other room is an idea so diabolical i almost didn't include it.

He reaches a hand into his pants, and tries to picture Harper.

He tries just the idea of Harper, at first. Then he tries Harper in a swimsuit, like in one of Sam or Dean’s magazines. That’s interesting? But he’s not sure it’s really enjoyable. He might be starting to get an erection, but he doesn’t really know.

Harper spreading her legs like the woman in the vulva diagrams he’d looked at. That’s a little better. Harper lying on his bed spreading her legs. Okay. Harper pressing her vagina to him like she had when they’d kissed, except without clothing. Yeah. It could be hot against him. 

Harper on top of him. Harper trapping him, caging him with her arms, her crotch hot against his. His breathing is coming fast, now. Harper grasping him in her arms from behind, he can see the cloth in her hand, coming for his face. Harper over him in the warehouse. Climbing onto him. Wetness against him as he strains against his bonds.

The sound of a glass shattering against the wall in the kitchen breaks through his headphones. His breath hitches.

Harper straddling him, hot cunt resting against him, pressing the water bottle to his lips. Pouring it in ‘til he chokes. Her warm, delicate hand pressing to his throat.

He makes a mess in his hand. He’ll clean it up later.

no girl likes getting pawed at unless she has some serious daddy issues,

-

Jack is pretty proud of his banana bread. Dean had given him the recipe, apparently they needed to use up some bananas, but he’d made it all himself. No one else had even helped.

RETURN OF THE BANANAAAAAAAA

He sets the plate down and a glass of milk before Harper on the map table, and she smiles up at him.

“Where is everybody?” she asks, mouth full. “This is really good. They should come try some while it’s still warm.”

also i had fun using this scene to establish that harper has gotten comfortable here. "where is everybody" as though she's totally used to tfw.

“They’re in the dungeon,” Jack says. “Sam and Cas are torturing a werewolf.”

dean is not with them because dean has some torturing trauma and doesn't like torturing <3

“Oh, makes sense,” she nods.

“I don’t like torturing,” Jack says. “Dean says I’ll grow into it, though.”

dean voice you have to do some torturing to be a real man

Harper mhms and swallows. She reaches for another slice.

-

Cas and Dean are fighting. Jack can hear them outside his room. He tries to put on his headphones, I got something to say that might cause you pain , but they’re too close. Too loud.

another funny song choice. imo.

“You don’t think I know what you’re planning?”

“What?”

“Cabin for two, up in Nebraska? By the lake? Nice and romantic.”

“That’s not-”

“‘Fishing…’” Jack hears the sound of spitting. “Who is she?”

the way dean is like oh cas is gay earlier but as soon as tensions get high he assumes that cas is gonna leave him for a woman.

“Dean, listen-”

“Do you know what I would do if you left me, Cas? Do you know what it does to me when you just run off like you always do?”

i tried to make sure all of the Behaviors dean and harper exhibited in this fic were also exhibited by the other. so. deanjealousy.

Jack can feel the cold of the room key in his hand. He gets up, padding-quiet across the floor, and turns it. There’s a little clunk and he flinches, not expecting that. But it’s not loud enough to be heard over the crash from the kitchen. It appears the father-son fishing trip won’t happen after all.

dean gave him the key for sex but he's actually using it to symbolically protect himself from his household. also, the walls are closing in: cas can never be his escape route because cas will always cave. his independence has to be through harper.

-

“That’s,” Harper nervous-giggles a little, fingers digging into the rough sheets, “that’s crazy. That werewolves are real. The outside world is so weird.” She’s leaning back on her bed. Sam has given them both the spiel on tomorrow’s job and left them in Harper’s room. 

for harper there's no distinction between the real world and the hunting world, it's all outside of her fantastical world of yockeynatural.

Jack’s own bed is next to Sam’s in their double on the ground floor, but the singles are on the upper floor, so Harper is next to Dean and Cas. Jack can hear them murmuring to each other through the wall, but can’t make out the words.

“Yeah, I guess.” Jack stands near the tiny motel TV, not sure whether to put his hands in his pockets or clasp them behind him, and so doing neither.

“Kind of scary,” she says, eyes closed. She tilts her head back, looks up at the ceiling through closed eyelids. Her neck is long and delicate.

“I’ve never thought about it that way,” he says, “it’s just how things are.”

many things in jack's life are like this.

-

Dean and Cas are sneaking in the front. Sam is crouched in the bushes for back up. 

yes. YES. serial killers destroying the ordinary nuclear family.

Jack gets to go in the back.

The house is mostly brick, at least on the first floor, which is good for a shootout. Less risk of overpenetration. The backyard is pretty manicured, which is less ideal, but at least it isn’t illuminated. Dean said everyone in this household is a werewolf, so at least there’s no risk of civilians.

Jack keeps a hand on his - Sam’s - gun as he steps between tomato plants. He stays off the slate-paved path to the back door. Too much risk of noise.

He can’t hear Harper behind him, but he can feel her fingertips brushing his.

The screen door creaks and he flinches, not expecting that. He hears Harper gasp behind him. But no other sounds are forthcoming. After a moment, he untenses and steps in.

The hallway’s wallpaper is yellow. Slightly scuffed from when some large piece of furniture had knocked against it, perhaps years ago. There are two doors, one on the left, and one at the end. 

lol. yellow wallpaper.

He can hear his own footsteps, just barely, but not Harper’s. He glances back to see her sock-footed. She must’ve slipped out of her shoes at the door.

He nudges the door on the left open, gun raised, but it’s dark. Small. Too small for someone to be hiding. A bathroom. He flicks the light on, just in case, but it’s definitely empty. Nothing but the SpongeBob loofah looking back at him. He nods to Harper.

all the little marks of a perfectly normal household of regular people that they're gonna kill <3

The main light is off in the room at the end of the hallway, but Jack can see a light of some kind, cold and flickery, shining from inside. A screen maybe.

He presses the door and it swings, stopping just short of hitting the wall next to it, and Jack breathes a tiny sigh of relief, but tenses again when he sees inside. The room is dark enough to just be shapes, but there’s a bright square of image in the center, and just in front of it, the clear outline of a head.

Jack freezes.

Bang. Bang bang. 

Three shots in quick succession. From the front of the house.

The figure doesn’t move.

Jack hears Dean’s voice shout “front clear,” but he’s too focused on the figure to really hear it. He inches forward into the room, gun pointed. Safety off.

The werewolf is wearing headphones. That’s why he didn’t hear it. Gunfire is spattered across the screen in cold white flashes, and he’s wearing headphones.

when the kid doesn't hear the fighting. because he's wearing headphones. :3

Jack steps up behind him and pulls the trigger.

YEEEEAHHHH JACK KILL YOUR DOUBLE. unselfawarely

Gunshots are very loud. Most people know this, but it’s hard to express just how unpleasant it is to hear a bullet fired a few feet from your face without ear protection. Jack still hears Harper squeal.

Blood is spurting from the werewolf’s chest in a geyser, and Jack can see his face illuminated in the light of the screen, the boy’s mouth fishlike and gasping as he expires. The light flickers. Computer generated blood splashes across the monitor and it goes dark, displaying the message “You have died.”

Jack turns to look at Harper. She’s covered in blood. It soaks the ruffles of her buttercup-yellow shirt, and drips from her lashes as she stares at him, wide-eyed.

starts in blood, ends in blood. a bloody coming of age. jack getting initiated into the sickness of a hunter's adulthood. he has become what his role models have taught him to be, in every way.

The next moment, she’s flung her arms around him. Face buried in his shoulder. He can feel her shaking, but he feels warm.

-

Sam drives them home in the Impala. Dean and Cas are taking Cas’ truck.

Harper dozes, her head on Jack’s shoulder, gore sticky all down her front.

instead of hiding the blood, jack shows it off like a badge of honor. it's initiated him into adulthood.

-

Jack leans against the map table. He feels a lot better after a shower and a change of clothes, but he’s still wired. Wired enough that he flinches when he hears Dean’s step.

“Whoa, Tony,” Dean says, and Jack feels the hand on his shoulder, firm but gentle. Okay. Jack relaxes a little.

flinchboyyyyyyy. approval seeking missile. both at once.

“You did good today, kid,” Dean says, “get some sleep.” And it’s a warm, fizzing thing. Jack feels it from the tip of his toes up to behind his ears. He did good today.

oh also. i wanted to say. another reason i decided to excise the soul magic plot entirely is that i didn't want people attributing jack's character arc in this fic to soullessness. he Did That all on his own <3

-

Jack’s phone buzzes, and he jolts awake. Good morning <3.

FLINCHBOY! fin

[olderthannetfic]

First as a disclaimer: I'm pretty sure I'm not an anti (I'm anti death threats and am fine with incest, age-gap, abusive ships etc)

However I'm probably still a social/political enemy for various reasons but you sometime post asks from people you disagree with I think and I think you might know this answer.

Anyway onto my question I'm the kind of shipper who likes canon compliant ships and looking for hints and stuff but these days it feels like everyone boasts about how much their ships deviate and poop on canon etc. Do other shippers with my mentality still exist and I just don't notice them (Outside of anti spaces) or are we actually a dying breed?

--

Eh. I think "political enemy" has a pretty fluid definition if one is really into playing politics. If you aren't out campaigning on a white supremacy platform, we probably have some goals in common.

I usually block people for being extremely annoying on a day I'm feeling hormonal or for attacking people particularly viciously in my comments, not for nominally being in some other camp.

--

I think the more canon-adjacent fandom flavors are actually really common.

They're a little lost in the tumult of "My headcanon is actually canon!!!" stuff on tumblr that we like to laugh at on my own blog.

They're also less common in oldschool m/m-shipping spaces because those are often inherently non-canon ships. In the past, it was because homophobic censorship wouldn't let anything be made. These days, it's because the flavor of m/m a lot of people like is more easily found by adding romance to a buddy canon than by trying to add buddy-ness to a romance canon in many cases, and this can be true even if canon is original m/m aimed at fandom types.

Here's the thing: oldschool m/m shippers tend to be particularly prone to building community spaces and recording our history precisely because it's so easily erased and so often attacked. This type of shipper also tends to have more of a cohesive identity. That makes it far easier to name ourselves and set up little fiefdoms on modern social media.

I'm one of these people. Shittons of the people doing amateur fandom history work are. Much of the OTW old guard are. And lots of us know each other at least a bit, so if you're running into one of us, you're probably running into more of us.

--

However, that doesn't actually mean this type of shipping is the most common or that there have never been spaces devoted to something else.

That old Beauty and the Beast tv series with Linda Hamilton had epic canon shippers. So did Moonlight (the vampire tv series). So did and does Twilight.

A lot of these shippers had this as their first and possibly their only fandom and carried on being obsessed long after canon was over.

Lizzie/Darcy shippers put anything I have ever been a fan of to shame. No matter what the AO3 numbers show, this ship far, far exceeds the popularity of Destiel or any of the other m/m heavyweights.

--

I think the problem you're running into is that in the modern era of binging things on Netflix and regular joes being huge media geeks, analyzing canon in a nerdy way and obsessing over your canon ships is just how a big chunk of the population engages with media.

Fan theories that are closely tied to what was actually on the screen/page are the bread and butter of water cooler conversations and have been since The Sopranos and its ilk.

Yes, I know some fuck will immediately show up and go "Ahem, ahem, I am a GEEK and SPECIAL and the people around me never have intellectual conversations about media literally ever!!!!" just like every single time we have this conversation. But times have moved on, and being overinvested in canon theorizing just is a normie activity now, and that's great! Except when you want a special term and space to find your people.

The only time canon shippers really stand out from that is if they're extremely fic-focused, and then they often start straying farther from canon, especially if they stick around the same fandom for a long time. Either they start becoming more fans of some fic writer or they start wanting to diversify what they themselves are writing.

The really good close-to-canon fandom activities are at their best when lots of fans find the same currently-running canon at the same time and before canon itself passes its prime.

Even I started out on alt.tv.x-files, analyzing the shit out of season 2 and not caring much about non-canon things. (Though, admittedly, I was more NoRomo than MSR.)

--

That said, antis are not actually that canon-focused in most cases. They will do the "My headcanon is reality" thing as much as anyone. They just tend to spend a lot of time hating on explicit m/m and a lot of explicit m/m is of non-canon ships.

Honestly... anon... you might want to figure out what the latest CSI-ish franchise is and find the obviously-future-canon het ship from that. Those tend to get the 10 seasons of build up and fan theories that don't stray too far from canon.

This stuff is not only not a dying breed, but it's so common that one of the editors of NCIS delivered a deeply cringeworthy lecture at my film school about what "shippers" are and how the Tiva shippers affected the production.

People into those ships don't need tumblr: Major entertainment magazines are publishing their fan theories for them.

[rewatching-sam-and-dean]

even as someone who does not ship the brothers (or deancas), i feel that there is no denying the heavy handed undertones of romance between them, and the writers' very intentional and frequent exploration into incestual themes, if one is truly understanding the show. however, it's also my understanding that a lot of hellers/deancas people/whomever use a frustrating argument that "sam doesn't really know dean" when in reality, he will always know dean better than cas. thats the whole point of the show. when dean and sam 'betray' each other from the other's persepctive, the person doing the betraying genuinely believes they are acting in the other's best interest, whereas with dean and cas it's always for personal benefit.

to stop the rambling, i wanted to ask, purely in interest of seeing multiple sides: if so many hellers were not so anti-sam and did not project so much onto castiel, do you think the fandom at large (outside of that group) would have less of an issue with the ship? again, i am genuinely curious and you seem both well established in the fandom and well versed in the show itself. i feel as though where other shows do have beef between shippers and such, the supernatural fandom is watching two completely different shows and so many of them are bypassing crucial parts.

Hey Anon!

I don’t ship Wincest either (though most Wincesties I know are cool), and I REALLY don’t ship Destiel. But, I do joke about brother husbands a lot and love the brothers’ codependency. Still, I don’t think the writers are actually ever suggesting there are true romantic feelings to Sam and Dean’s relationship. Or maybe I should say, I don’t think canon (or subtext) Sam and Dean are actually (even secretly) hot for their brother. However, I think the romantic parallels and even outright nods to incest are very deliberate (and obvious). Partly, it’s on brand for the horror/gothic genre of the early seasons, but it also serves the purpose of highlighting how important Sam and Dean are to each other. They are each other’s soulmate, life-partner, and number one, which are usually roles reserved for couples. Also, I think the show just likes to make jokes as well. It’s clearly deliberate when the show goes from having characters assume they are couples, to villains making incesty remarks about them, to Dean asking if Sam wants a divorce.

I agree that Sam knows Dean better than Castiel, or anyone else. And Dean knows Sam best. That being said, they don’t understand each other perfectly, and they speak “different languages” in terms of showing care a lot of the time. Sometimes this is works in a complimentary way that has them in sync (Dean loves his family, especially Sam most, and Sam needs to be Dean’s number one), and sometimes it causes friction between the brothers (Dean letting Gadreel inside Sam or Sam trying to cure MOC). But, I agree that MOST of the time when they “betray” each other it’s when they are trying to help each other, or at least it’s a byproduct of something they feel they need to do. They never treat each other as expendable. And I also agree that betrayals between Dean and Castiel just hit different. I think this is because 1) they don’t have the same obsessive love underlying everything they do to/for each other (despite what hellers think), 2) they are more brothers-in-arms than true adopted famoly until later seasons 3) Castiel is not human, and I believe that Dean (however subconsciously) treats him differently because of that, and Cass not being human also changes his view of the fallout his actions will have with the people he cares about, and 4) I agree that they both betray each other out of personal interest in thst they value other things/people more highly than each other quite often (Dean will always value Sam above all, and Castiel often values whatever mission he is on above the brothers or is at least willing to risk them for it to an extent).

Feel free to ramble in my asks whenever you like. Clearly, I do it too, so no judgement here.

My short answer to your question is … yes. If hellers didn’t hate on Sam in a transparent attempt to make him seem less important both to Dean and to the show in general, I doubt Sam girls would care that people shipped Castiel and Dean. It’s the attempt at twisting canon and down-playing Sam that is frustrating. And yes, the projecting added significance onto Castiel is massively annoying because it shows a lack of understanding of the show, whether purposeful or due to ignorance. And that annoys everyone who cares about the “fscts” of the show. It’s also their insistence that Dean is bi … because reasons (often offensive, stupid and/or steryotical) that annoys the people who actually enjoy Dean’s true chracter, not the fan-fic woobifued version of him that hellers (and some AAs) fawn over. But, I think what pisses the fandom at large off the most about hellers is their insistence that they get their way and the tantrums they throw about being “robbed” when a ship that was clearly never going to sail in the show continued not to happen. More specifically, their need to hate on actual actors, writers, producers, networks and other so called “homophobic” fans who don’t agree with them is abhorrent to many.

I agree with your final sentiment completely. It is like Supernatural is at least two totally different shows, depending on which type of fan you are talking to. I mean, there are arguably more than two versions of the show in collective fans’ minds, if we consider which of the brothers a group sympathizes with most and how they interpret the chracters’ actions (Sam is a whiny brat … Dean is an abusive monster 🙄). But, out of all the fan groups, there is only one who seems to be "watching" a piece of media that does not even resemble the actual show … and it’s hellers.

And to be clear, I’m not talking about Destiel shippers in general here, but hellers in particular. No one I know, including me, cares if people ship Dean and Castiel for their own enjoyment, but it’s the insistence they are right and attempted rewriting of canon (and threatening real people) that makes people ragey.

Anyway, thank you for your ask. I’m sorry my reply was so long. (This is likely one of the reasons I don’t get a ton of asks, lol).

[bucks-daddy-issues]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

tagged by @neverevan @made-ofmemories and @diazsdimples thank you!

How many works do you have on ao3?

6! I only started writing a little over a year ago and I am a very, very slow writer.

2. What's your total ao3 word count?

68,008

3. What fandoms do you write for?

9-1-1 only at the moment.

4. Top 5 fics by kudos:

I got a bed but I’d rather be in ours tonight (6.7k, Buddie, Explicit) Thighs and Eyes (3.7k, Buddie, Explicit) Kiss your lips blue (7k, Buddie, Explicit) I'll Be Your Gift, Give You Something Good To Celebrate (6.4k, Buddie, Explicit) Sweet Nothing (37.8k, Buddie, Teen and up)

5. Do you respond to comments?

Yes!!! Every time, comments absolutely make my day and I don't feel like my responses ever do justice to just how giddy I am when I get a nice comment!

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I don't think any of my fics are even remotely angsty (though maybe some in the near future might be idk idk) but I don't think I could ever write something with an angsty ending. Happy endings only over here.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I think all of my fics have very happy endings but I'll go with Sweet Nothing maybe, as it's super happy with also hints at even more happiness in their future too. :)

8. Do you get hate on fics?

So far no, thank god.

9. Do you write smut?

Most definitely, four of the six fics I have up are smut but I always like to put a lot of plot in there too!

10. Craziest crossover?

I don't write crossovers, it's just not my thing personally.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of, I really hope not.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No, put people are welcome to as long as they link my fic :)

13. Have you co-written a fic before?

No but I hope to soon!

14. All time favorite ship?

Buddie buddie buddie buddie buddie

15. What's a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

I have a few I started when I first got into 911 that would need some crazy reworking to still make sense but I'm still hopeful lol. The hangover au is really hanging on by a thread because the 911 writers blatantly stole my idea to steal the hangover movie's idea (jk) I'll definitely still write it but it's kinda been put on hold.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I think I'm good at writing descriptively? I also get some lovely comments on how I write emotions which makes me very happy :)

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I think my pacing could use a lot of work. Sometimes things feel a little too fast and other times I go on for too long. My dialogue can also be hit or miss depending on the character.

18. Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

I can't speak any language other than English and like super basic Irish so I just don't trust myself to write in another language well. If I had someone's help I would be open to it though.

19. First fandom you wrote in?

I think I wrote one direction fics back when I was like 12-15 but I only actually posted one fic before I started writing for 911 and that was destiel about a decade ago (and it was deleted like 6 months later)

20. Favorite fic you've written?

Ahhhh I'm not sure, I have things I both love and hate about all of them, but I think I have to pick Sweet Nothing because I put my heart and soul into that fic for months and it inspired me to keep writing longer fics.

I feel like most people have already been tagged so sorry if you've already done this, but tagging: @wikiangela @watchyourbuck @spagheddiediaz @thewolvesof1998 @rogerzsteven

@jesuisici33 @sunshinediaz @daffi-990 @rainbow-nerdss @theotherbuckley

+ whoever else wants to do it!

[profoundbondfanfic]

do u have any favorite canon compliant / "missing scene" fics?

Hello there! Yes, here are a few suggestions with fics that include extra scenes like the 'fanfiction gap' and add something new to Cas and Dean's relationship.

a kiss for every season (literally) by sobsicles [Explicit, 22k words]

The first time Dean and Cas kiss, it's not really even a kiss at all. It is not, however, the last kiss that they share. ~~~ Dean doesn't think about it. Not about what it means, not about what it makes them, not about how it affects him. This life��that's not how things work. It's just this, these "in the moment" moments that always slip right out of his fingers because he lets them. He doesn't try to hold onto them, and neither does Cas, and maybe they shouldn't. Cas kisses him like no one else does, like no one else ever has. Dean absolutely does not think about it unless it's happening to him, and then he doesn't have the ability to think at all. What does it say about him that he occasionally kisses his best friend, who's a man? Dean doesn't know, and he doesn't really want to find out, either. 

All This Happened, More or Less by ceeainthereforthat [Mature, 88k words]

Dean had no idea that inheriting John Winchester's Impala was only the beginning of the destruction of his life. That Sam's dreams were more than just the consequences of late night pizza dinners. That angels looked like slightly rumpled tax accountants. And he's not ready for any of it.

Fracture Mechanics by Rend_Herring [Explicit, 43k words]

Admitting it won’t make Dean any more inconsolable than he already is, and he’ll never feel Cas’ absence any more or any less acutely than he does in this exact moment. “He’s gone,” Dean finally admits, because it seems like the only thing left to say. When the terrible, swollen vacancy of the room offers no recourse, Sam says, “I know.”

Home by FriendofCarlotta [General audiences, 2k words]

This is the story of a car, and the boy who loves it so fiercely, it becomes a home. As the boy grows into a man, his car is the one constant in his life. Until, one day, he meets an angel, and "home" takes on a new meaning.

If I Could Change One Thing by 2Minutes2Midnight [Explicit, 13k words]

Spoilers through Season 5 finale. When Dean gets sent into the future where he refuses Michael, he vows to change one thing, if nothing else. He must prevent Castiel from becoming human. No matter the cost.

Revisions by zeppazariel [Explicit, 127k words]

From the beginning, Dean and Cas continue to find their way together over and over. Chuck keeps erasing it.

That Wasn't Supposed to Fucking Happen! by anyrei, queerwerewolf [Explicit, 66k words]

What if it all wasn’t just subtext? Individual, subjective interpretation? What if we’re only seeing a fraction of what’s going on with the Winchesters? What would happen if we saw what was actually happening off-camera? Destiel might not technically “exist”, but that’s because the cameras haven’t captured it. Now that the fourth wall has been broken, subtext may become explicit text. Explicit being the operative word here. Season 12 Ongoing Fix It from 12x09 through 12x23.

The Sum Of My Regrets by LoveIsNotAVictoryMarch [Mature, 20k words]

“A quick trip to the past, that’s all. Look Cas, I know we can’t do anything about all the innocent people getting into the crossfire of our battles, but this I can do. Let me rescue this child and give Lily Sunder back her life. What can possibly go wrong?”  In which Dean Winchester travels through time, learns a thing or two about best laid plans and falls in love with an angel – all over again.

these masks we wear by deansnuggles [Mature, 24k words]

These are the things you hide, when you’re John Winchester’s oldest son: A feather Sammy found and gave you. A piece of satin you cut from a nightgown you swiped from the thrift store. You like to keep it in your pocket and rub it between your fingers. A romance novel left behind in a motel. You tape the cover of a Stephen King novel on the front. A picture of Robert Plant hidden under the fabric on the bottom of your toiletry bag. A cassette of Queen, a cassette of The Beatles. You like to draw. Knights and dragons and cowboys. A mockingbird. A lily. A boy in your class. You rip that one up and burn it. We follow Dean through important times in his life as he slowly learns to accept who he is and figures out what a happy ending means for him.

this ain't for the best (but i want you) by jewishdeanwinchester [Explicit, 8k words]

Five times Dean and Cas fucked, and one time they made love. Or, times Dean and Cas could've been but weren't. (Until they were.)

You can also check our coda tag for fics that follow along with specific episodes.

[queermania]

No that's exactly why I'm asking you. I think you can be normal about it and I trust your opinions but it's totally okay if you don't feel comfortable doing it but if you do I'd be really grateful 🙏🏽

ummm okay yeah i can do that. i'm just gonna straight up start with the songs that i've used for my swiftnatural posting. it just seems like the most obvious place to start:

maroon for this destiel set. listen to it with the volume up and headphones on. it does some really freaking cool stuff sonically.

would've could've should've for this samruby set. this song is for anybody who likes religious imagery or hates john mayer for any number of reasons including but not limited to the way he speaks about women in public. fuck that guy :)

i did something bad for this demon!dean set that i hate and should redo but that's neither here nor there. i linked a live performance simply because i like what her and her band and her backup singers do with it live more than i like the studio version. you don't have to actually watch the performance if you don't want (i personally have a very hard time watching her perform for reasons that i won't get into beacuse i don't want to get yelled at) but the production value is crazy and nobody can argue that she isn't putting on a Show. i also just think this song is so fun and i think if it came from anybody else everyone would agree.

this is me trying for this post that i never really made haha. this is also not the studio version but i think this is a song that really benefits from a more stripped down intimate feeling.

as for what else you should listen to, well, to be honest it's really hard to say because her catalogue is vast and all over the place. the song that is like thee taylor swift song that everybody points to in order to showcase her songwriting ability is all too well. there are three four versions of this (not counting live performances) and i think most people will probably say the ten minute one from the vault is the one you have to listen to but my unpopular opinion is that the original five minute recording is the strongest version as a finished product. but i will say that it's impressive that a song can be ten minutes without a chorus or really even a hook and not make you wonder when it's going to be over already. so i don't disagree that the ten minute one is worth a listen too.

my tears ricochet is another one that's really strong in terms of songwriting. i'm of the opinion that knowing all of the ~lore behind every single song is not necessarily a good thing but i do think in this case it elevates the song so: it's about being screwed out of her masters by a record executive whose record label she helped make.

exile and evermore with bon iver are good options simply because of how interestingly the deepness of his voice pairs with the softness of hers.

i would die for cornelia street. i don't know how anybody else feels about it and i don't have any deep thoughts about it. it just makes me happy.

i think her newest album is Not Great but i like the lead single, fortnight, a lot and it continues to grow on me. from what i've gathered i'm in the minority on this one though haha.

another unpopular opinion: i don't love 1989. i know it's thee album for a lot of people but i've just never loved the sound of it. but! (and this is where it gets really unpopular) ryan adams covered almost the entire album and i adore his version of most of those songs. unfortunately ryan adams is a garbage person so i don't really want to rec him but it is what it is. for a more rock-y, almost country-ish sound i highly recommend all you had to do was stay and i wish you would.

also, i don't care what anybody says, we are never ever getting back together was and still is fun, especially the live version with the electric guitar.

i like a lot more of her songs but i think this is a nice little starter?

(sorry for linking to youtube instead of spotify or whatever streaming thing the youth are using these days but i am just not hip)

[keen-eye]

sam as a character + a long personal anecdote

dear diary, idk what happened…

after 10 years i randomly thought of supernatural which made me want to rewatch the pilot just for nostalgia’s sake

i ended up rewatching seasons 1-5 which is about as far as i got the first time, not that i remembered literally anything. i had a vague idea of destiel being a big deal? only from what i gathered from people irl, i wasn’t part of any fandom community back then. and i’ve only had tumblr for less than a year now

and then as i’m watching i’m actually digesting the plot, i guess i wasn’t Dialed In like i am currently. and i’m connecting to sam and just really invested in his part of the story. and feeling defensive of him in seasons 4 & 5 as well as disliking dean’s behavior towards him. so i go on tumblr bc i’m curious about others thoughts about the show and his character

and then i get whiplash once i find out that there’s so much drama about the show that’s seemingly been going on since 2005. and part of that drama is about sam and fans/creatives on the show having opinions of him ranging from disinterest to pure hatred. calling him selfish and whiny. as well as extending it to the actor who plays him? and i’m shocked bc to me he’s so fascinating and complex and deserving of empathy

and then i become obsessed with everything going on about That and dive head first into the abyss. it must be a combination of (1) very much recognizing him as a kindred spirit (& queer-coded/harmed by misogyny) and (2) unfortunately finding myself personally offended by the treatment of his character by the show and the opinions on him, by apparently a large portion of the fans. this is genuinely heartbreaking to me lol. also i can’t think of another fictional character that has suffered as much as him which is something.

in conclusion, this whole mess has consumed my brain going on weeks now. never have i ever become this obsessive about any character ever. at first it felt like it would be just another addition to the adhd fixation train where i would immediately move on once i became consumed by something else. the show isn’t even that good.

but this feels different. (hyperbole ahead) i’m afraid i’ve been sucked inside the black hole of spn forever, doomed to seek out validation from the same thinkpieces and debates repeated over and over for all eternity. only time will tell…

[sweetcocopowder]

Destiel | Playing Couple Pt.4

Synopsis: After the party, Dean is freaking out because Sam can't reach them until the coming weak. And so he's stuck in the house with the angel.

Word Count: 1.1K

Genre: Supernatural Fluff

Pairing: Castiel/Dean Winchester

Warnings: Still internalized homophobia

Extra notes: Stuck to my promise :]

Pt.3 | Pt.5

The very next day, Castiel calls Sam to come by. That this is bigger than any of them could have ever imagined. But from where the bunker is and how far they’re out, Sam won’t be here until later this week. The younger Winchester is currently out on another hunt with Eileen. It’s sweet to hear, but Dean only wishes for Sam to be here.

Because it’s too long for Dean to be sitting around doing nothing. Waiting for someone to make the move. Because for sure that little scene at the party had only raised questions within the neighbourhood and whatever spell that witch had cast. She’s got her answers. Cas reacted, Dean did not. And Dean’s got his best bet on that she was seeing if they were creatures or not.

Dean wishes he had Sam’s laptop right now so he could up what that symbol the witch cast meant. It’s been itching at his brain the entire day and he can’t stop pacing. Last thing he wants to do his ask Rowena for help.

“Dean. Stop,” Castiel snaps from where he is on the couch, finally having enough of the hunter’s wondering and pacing about.

“What else am I meant to do?” Dean throws his hands in a fit.

“Sit,” is all the angel says.

Dean grumbles to himself before he sits himself down on the far end of the couch from Cas. His foot fidgets and bounces up and down. He hates waiting around and isn’t too good at it when the entire neighbourhood is filled with different creatures.

A firm hand on his thigh stops his bounding foot.

“We’re fine, Dean,” Cas assures him.

Castiel’s hand is warm and that’s all Dean can think of before he pushes himself off the couch, out of the angel’s reach.

“What can we do!?” Dean exclaims as he begins pacing again.

“Unless you want to go headfirst into a bunch of witches, werewolves and other creatures, then I suggest sitting down and waiting for Sam,” Castiel speaks firmly but calmly.

He knows how jittery Dean can become in these types of situations. Shoot first, ask questions later. Even if it means he’s vastly outnumbered. Which is something that only jitters Castiel’s nerves each time he thinks about it. He watches Dean pace back and forth, then into the kitchen to grab himself a beer and chug half the bottle in one go. Cas can only sigh as Dean tries to calm his nerves. The last time he saw him like this, it was quite awhile ago now.

Instead of pacing, Dean comes back to the couch and sits where he originally was with a grunt and a huff. He takes another long drag from his beer before turning to the angel.

“How are you so calm?” Dean asks.

“Because we’re protected and if we both freak out then it won’t do us any favours in the long run,” the angel chides, hoping the message gets through.

In human terms, he needs to calm the fuck down.

“I am calm!” Dean snaps back.

Cas only raises a single brow at that before he leans back into the couch with his hands in his lap. He keeps his eyes on Dean though as the hunter rolls his eyes and downs the rest of his beer.

The rest of the day went by like this. Dean wanted to head outside and ask questions around the neighbourhood. But Castiel stopped him, saying it would only raise more suspicion and they can’t afford that now.

Instead, Castiel burrowed Dean’s phone and rang Gabriella to say thanks for inviting them. She was more than delighted to hear from them and to hear that Cas was fine. She even mentioned that both of them should come by again soon for a little cup of tea.

Dean wanted to say it’s a trap, but Cas wasn’t getting that type of unease with Gabriella. Not even with Dante.

-

That night, after double and triple checking the wards and the salt lines, Dean had put on a movie to ease his mind. He couldn’t stop thinking about what the witch had done to Cas. Yes, it was an easy fix. But with how helpless he felt surrounded by so many people, it made him shiver. An uneasiness coming over him. He’s seen the angel in pain before and he wished, prayed even that he never have to hear those noises again.

But here he was, having fresh memories in his head of Castiel crying out in agony. He sips on his fifth beer for the day with a little less enthusiasm than the last.

Cas, having left his trench coat and suit jacket behind, sits down on the other end of the couch with him to join him for the movie. They sit in silence for a while, but Dean can feel that the angel wants to say something.

“Spit it out, Cas,” Dean suddenly says. “You’re making me feel itchy.”

“I want to say we can’t faulter in our disguise now,” Cas inquires. “Especially not now.”

“I know that, Cas,” the hunter says as if it’s obvious.

But the angel only raises a single brow as he frowns slightly. Dean scoffs at this and looks to back to the movie before back at Castiel.

“Do you? Because every time I try and play this role, you’re the one pushing away,” Cas says firmly.

This strikes a nerve in Dean. He wants to snap out, lash out, bite. But he knows why he’s like this. And it all has to do with these weird feelings he has rocking around in him that he can’t make heads or tails of. So he does the only thing he knows and reverts to anger and biting, which doesn’t get him anywhere.

Dean keeps his mouth shut for a few seconds before letting out the air from his lungs he didn’t realize he was holding in. He huffs somewhat to a child and adverts his eyes.

“Then what would you suggest I do?” Dean asks, more or so grumbles.

At this, Castiel shuffles a little closer to the hunter on the couch. By instinct, Dean stiffens up.

“Come here,” and with, Dean is being pulled into the angel’s warm arms.

Dean can’t help but stare at the space in front of him. It’s all pretend. This isn’t real. There’s no need to panic. He shuffles a bit so he can get comfy in Cas’s hold, but the angel makes it clear he isn’t letting go. Not until he relaxes.

They watch the movie in silence but all Dean can think about how… safe he feels. The jumble of emotions running circles in his gut feel like a thousand butterflies. He’s never felt like this flirting with woman. Not even when he knows he’s nervous.

The movie passes by but Dean is very aware of how warm the angel is against him. It’s… nice. And something deep down in Dean, something he will never admit.

He wishes this all wasn’t pretend.