#wild krafts shitpost

[jcmorgenstern]

Hey, do you have any Jonathan cooking headcanons ? 👀

ghasdlfkjhg okay anon can I just say this is one of my favorite asks to receive ever. so yes, do i EVER have Jonathan cooking headcanons!!

Okay so first off: because of how Jonathan met Sebastian at a cafe and later says he learned to make his boulbaise from a French chef, I have thus decided that Jonathan somehow inserted himself into Sebastian’s life to learn his habits (read: he dated him. you can’t change my mind), and one of their dates was at said French restaurant.

Second: although Jonathan is uncommonly good at survival cooking (ie hunting, building a fire pit, skinning an animal, etc), he probably isn’t the best artisinal cook from a young age. Like, he grew up in that cabin in Brocalind Forest and I’m guessing at a wild guess Valentine isn’t the type to send him care packages or take him to McDonald’s.

In practical terms, this means he can eat almost anything–including rats. It’s entirely possible he doesn’t have functioning tastebuds at this point.

Since Izzy is the only person who has vouched for his cooking, it’s very possible he’s actually horrible at it

Thus, cooking is something he learns for his role as Sebastian–possibly from Sebastian himself. It’s something he associates with safety and abundance, and thus he finds it very relaxing. It even includes his favorite things–knives and fires.

Thus Jonathan cooking for Clary isn’t just repeating Valentine’s “aaaand here’s spaghetti!” but trying to make her feel safe and valued. It is….not entirely successful. But it is curious that a large portion of his attempts to win her over center around food. He offers her the soup, her favorite tea, buys her food in Paris. If you think about the proportion of his life where he probably didn’t get to eat a lot (I’m guessing demons don’t have a lot of fast food chains in Edom), it makes more sense.

Having enough food is directly proportional to safety from abuse.

I honestly imagine he likes watching cooking shows. And not like, Chopped or whatever. I mean like…PBS cooking shows. Julia Child. Jacques Pepin. They’re very soothing. He’s like 800 years old inside. Release your inner arthritic senior citizen, Jonathan. It’s okay.

A lot of cooking is very procedural–measuring things, preparing them in a very repetitive way, organizing them. Considering Jonathan’s other hobbies seem to be: screaming, killing people, hacking, and ironing, he could probably use a fair few more Soothing Activities. (He hasn’t discovered Netflix yet. Imagine all that could have been averted if someone taught him to binge watch.)

AU where Jonathan’s entire plot in 3b is watching ODAT and crying at literally every single family moment (they’re pretty much entirely made of family moments).

Schneider: are you….my father figure???Jonathan: ugly crying and hugging Sebastian’s pillows.

Is that a call-out for myself? Maybe. You can’t prove it if it is.

He also probably likes salty or sweet foods, or spicy food. I’d be willing to bet he can eat like 20 of those ghost chili ramen bowls without breaking a sweat. either that OR he can’t handle spiciness at ALL and breaks down at anything spicier than black pepper.

Once ate dollar store Mac and Cheese for a week and nothing else.

Has an absurdly large cookbook collection inherited from Sebastian, which he expands by stealing from libraries. Together they own the entire Julia Child collection. What are demon powers for, if not stealing a cookbook from a library?

That’s a joke please don’t steal from libraries. Libraries are good.

He absolutely loves any dishes with eggs. It’s entirely possible he hasn’t had an egg before being Sebastian. If you follow that train of thought it’s very sad.

BURNS ALL HIS FOOD

Made himself a birthday cake for the first time, except he ate the frosting out of the can before he could put it on the cake. Delayed gratification is not one of his best skillsets.

Drinks vanilla extract out of the bottle not knowing it has alcohol in it. Does not know why he enjoys drinking vanilla extract so much. It is a mystery.

Please don’t try this, vanilla extract is extremely expensive and also tastes weird to drink. Also only 35% proof. Get jaeger instead.

Has worn Sebastian’s dumb Classics nerd apron that says “basia coquum” (kiss the cook). I feel put upon to mention that I didn’t actually steal this joke from COFA, I stole it from my grade 7 latin textbook.

Has a tendency to stress-bake, then get really mad at whatever he’s making when it doesn’t work and scream at it. Unfortunately for him, cookies don’t raise any better if you scream at them.

He is not popular with Sebastian’s neighbors.

Makes a mean omlet but puts really weird stuff in it. Green beans don’t go in an omlet, you idiot. He also pretends his favorite tea is Earl Grey to impress Clary but in reality he can’t stand the taste. He likes that Starbucks pomegranate tea (because it looks like blood, duh) and chamomile.

Thinks Kraft Singles are a cheese and/or food group (he is American after all). Also eats a lot of Pillsbury biscuits despite them being disgusting. He thinks they’re very nice.

These started off semi-deep and now I’m just shitposting tbh

I’m going to stop while I’m ahead but ghaksdjfhghghhg um enjoy i guess