#wikipedia seems to suggest he was a reasonably decent guy too

[astriiformes]

Researching the Black Plague at midnight for a presentation for my Norwegian class (as one does) and

Despite knowing the scientific name for the plague (Yersina pestis) for well over a decade now, I somehow did not know that the genus name come from one of its co-discoverers, Alexandre Yersin -- who it should be noted did not actually name the plague after himself, but there was some posthumous genus shuffling and I guess someone decided that was a good idea.

And I. Hm. Hmmm.

People talk about unfortunate organisms to lend your name to the nomenclature of, but usually it's a joke about how the organism in question is like, a spider, or a particularly unlovely slime mold, or something else that is definitely not "cute" but is probably still deeply beloved by a certain sect of biologists.

However I can't help but think that perhaps naming the infamous plague, responsible for more deaths than potentially any other bacterium in history and mass amounts of human suffering, after just, like, a guy, is perhaps not the hm. Shall we say the vibe that most people are going for.

[mst3kproject]

The Giant of Marathon

For some reason, probably because I've seen them all so many times, I thought I'd already done all four Film Crew episodes.  Evidently this is not true.  Here's one, and if you haven't seen it... wow, Mr. Honcho was not exaggerating about the thousands of sweaty men.

Philippides of Athens is the greatest athlete there is, having won the entire Olympics. With the games over, he returns to his day job as commander of the Athenian city guard.  Followers of Hippias the exiled tyrant are plotting to take control of the city with help from the invading Persians, and they try to seduce Philippides to their cause by offering him wine, women, and homoerotic wrestling (it was ancient Greece, after all).  Philippides refuses to be seduced, and sets off to secure the help of Athens' old enemy Sparta in opposing the Persians.  His mission is a success, but upon his return a spy tells him that the Persians are planning a sneak attack on the harbour of Piraeus.  Can even Philippides get there in time to deliver the warning?

I don't actually know if it were possible to win the entire Olympics in ancient Greece.  I know there were several events and at least one of them involved reciting poetry.  The Battle of Marathon was in 490 BC and a table on Wikipedia suggests that there could have been up to twelve different sports, but some of them were only for children.

The Giant of Marathon touts itself as a tale of epic battles, daring deeds, and political machinations.  I'll get back to the epic battles and daring deeds, but what stands in for the political machinations is mostly a bunch of people pining.  Unimpressive villain Theocritus is pining for the beautiful Andromeda, whose father has promised her to him but she thinks he's a dick.  She's pining for Philippides, who is also pining for her but thinks she's one of Hippias' followers, so refuses to speak to her.  Meanwhile Theocritus' concubine Charis is also pining for Philippides because he's the only man who ever refused to fuck her, I think.

These relationships are important to the plot, too.  Andromeda's love for Philippides is one of the reasons her father refuses to join the traitors, and when Theocritus realizes he cannot have her, he ties her to the prow of his ship to force Philippides to watch her die.  Charis' crush on Philippides leads her to her death, as she is executed for spying.  Yet none of it is ever developed beyond 'these two pretty people saw each other and now they want to bone'.  Philippides declares his love for Andromeda after a single five-minute interaction.  Charis has seen Philippides twice, and both times it went badly, when she decides to betray Theocritus.

Why do the writers hang such important plot points on the 'love' between people who have barely spoken to each other?  I can't decide if it's because they're lazy, or because they're hacks, and I lean towards a combination of the two.  There is absolutely no subtlety to the writing in The Giant of Marathon at all.  Everything is told, not shown.  We know that Theocritus and Creusus are traitors because they talk about it, in dialogue that's clearly written for the audience, not as anything that sounds like a natural conversation. We know that Charis and Andromeda are both in love with Philippides because they say so.  The only thing we're really shown is that Andromeda hates Theocritus, which comes through in her body language (though we are also very much told), so props to actress Mylène Demongeot for that much.

The movie doesn't care about any of this character stuff, anyway.  It just wants to get straight to those epic battle scenes, and it's very obvious how much work and time went into those as opposed to everything else.  The battles are lengthy and elaborate, full of impressive stunts and props and miniatures being destroyed all over the place.  We get to see Persian chariots run down Greek infantry, and while I'm pretty sure this would have been orchestrated so the stuntmen didn't get hurt, I'm not nearly so confident about the unfortunate horses (and neither was Bill).  There are ships in flames and injured men screaming as they fall overboard.  There are even some pretty good deaths, like the guy who was hit in the eye with an arrow.  The desperate last stand of the city guard against the entire Persian fleet, with the Spartans arriving just in time to save the day, is very tense indeed.

I get the impression that this is what somebody really wanted to put on screen, and they did a decent job of it, but pretty much the entire rest of what ought to be the story is just an accessory to the fighting stuff.  It's as if the film-makers wanted so badly for their fight sequences to be epic that they forgot what makes epic-ness – which is the characters and their stake in the events. We don't know any of these people, none of them have anything we might call a personality trait, and so we don't care.

The focus on how epic it all is makes I seem a little strange that the battle ends on a shot of dead Persian guys floating in the water. You'd think they'd want to end with something that more decisively shows the Athenian victory, maybe the men cheering as the Persian ships turn around and flee.  Or perhaps some kind of victory celebration, which could mirror the celebration of Philippides winning the Olympics in the opening and call back to the scene where Philippides asks the goddess Athena to protect her city.

Instead, we cut to a shot of Philippides and Andromeda walking across the farmland together.  This feels a little too sudden, and is also a poor fit with the rest of the movie.  The only time we've seen Philippides on his farm is when he's gotten disgusted with the politics of Athens and returned to the countryside to sulk.  If the farm is supposed to be a place where he's happy and at peace, the movie never establishes it.

So that's political machinations and epic battle sequences, let's talk about some daring deeds.

Unlike the Hercules and Maciste movies we've seen in the past, The Giant of Marathon wants to be grounded in real-life history.  This means that while the script does reference gods and mythical heroes, none of them ever appear and there is no hint of them working behind the scenes to bring events about.  Likewise, Philippides is not a demigod, so we avoid several of the tropes associated with the genre.  Nothing important ever happens (or fails to happen) because the hero was asleep, and he never bends prison bars or drinks a love potion – although a love potion is mentioned, as if to draw attention to this.

This doesn't leave Philippides a whole lot of scope for daring deeds, and when they try the results are a little lackluster.  His main feat is, of course, running all the way from Marathon to Athens (the proverbial forty-two kilometres) to let them know of the impending attack, but while this ought to be the highlight of the movie it's shot in terrible day-for-night and we have nothing to suggest how far this is... I think the writers just assumed everybody knows the length of a marathon.  If we'd seen the army tired from making the march earlier, we would have a better sense of it being a long and tiring journey even at a walk or with horses, and it would seem that much more formidable as a distance for one man to cover before sunrise.  Of course, showing us these things is apparently beyond the scope of The Giant of Marathon's writers, but you'd think they could at least have a character say something like, “it's twenty-six miles!  He'll never make it!”

His other major daring deed is when he pushes giant boulders down a hill onto the attacking Persians.  This is kind of weird because Philippides is not Hercules or Maciste.  He's good at track and field, but we haven't seen any evidence of him having godlike strength, and this is a universe where gods don't seem to do much anyway, so it comes out of nowhere.  The rocks are huge – there are similarly-sized ones at the park near my house and I know one guy couldn't move them no matter how buff he might be.  Did somebody just forget that they weren't making a Hercules movie?

Between the battles and the various plot twists, The Giant of Marathon could have been a pretty fun sword-and-sandal movie, but it's like a tower without a foundation.  The fights have nothing to hold them up, so we just can't get into it. Also, what the Underworld happened to Hippias? We see him once, chatting with the king of Persia, and then he vanishes and the movie decides weaselly little Theocritus is the big bad instead. I'm sorry, but if you've got a character with a name as cool as 'Hippias the Tyrant', you really can't just drop him like that.

The Best Brains liked to complain about the tinyness of the costumes in these movies but honestly, nothing here is as off-putting as actual ancient Greek sports would have been to the modern viewer.  When I was in university I TA'd for a course called Introduction to Greco-Roman Civilization. It was an adventure in several ways – the students were mostly dumb freshmen who spent the lectures playing Farmville, and the professor didn't give a shit because she'd just been denied tenure.  I don't know how much anybody learned in that class, but I'm sure they all recall how, after the professor told us that Greek athletes stripped naked and covered themselves in olive oil before wrestling, somebody raised a hand and asked if they removed their body hair.  The professor cheerfully told him that they did not, so next time we see a Greek vase we ought to remember that these guys were much sweatier, oilier, and hairier than terra cotta can possibly convey.

[tjkiahgb]

Episode Recap: 3.12, “The Ex Factor”

The episode begins with Andi dancing and crafting, as you do. She decorates the bottom of a group project for school about eggs.

Hold on a second. Let me just check their work.

Okay, first of all, that opening sentence is a mess. “Categorized by... stand on two legs”? Proofread! Come on.

But, and this is the bigger issue, it appears the majority of this paragraph is lifted right from the Wikipedia page on theropoda.

The other paragraph from up above, on the index card to the left, is lifted from the Wikipedia page on turtles.

It’s not just that plagiarism is bad, but this is lazy plagiarism. Do they not think the first place their teacher is going to check is the Wikipedia article? Move some words around! Mix some synonyms in there! It’s like you want to be caught! God!

Also, which class is this for exactly?

You’ve got Aristotle in the top left, so... philosophy? But then you also have Charles Darwin in the top right, which suggests science.

Or is this just the entire general history of the chicken or the egg question going back to the dinosaurs?

I feel like the project needs more focus.

Maybe Andi’s group mates will step up to help deal with these many issues.

Nope. Never mind.

When this project gets failed, you’ll only have yourselves to blame.

At Red Rooster, Bowie finishes up a group guitar lesson and walks out into the store to find Plot Device.

Sorry, did I say Plot Device? I meant Miranda. My bad. And she’s brought along her daughter, little Plot Device Jr.

Bowie awkwardly tries to figure out what these two are doing here.

Before Miranda answers, she sends Morgan off.

“Morgie, honey, why don’t you go do the loudest thing possible in this small room while we try to have a conversation. I think that’d be a pretty neat representation of our role on this show.”

So Morgan bangs on the drums while Bowie tries to talk.

He makes a joke about being happy with the knowledge Morgan can’t steal one of the drums, but I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, she’s good at thievery. Don’t let your guard down around her for one second. You’ll think she hasn’t taken a drum and then find out she emptied out the till when you weren’t looking.

Miranda tells Bowie he was right in what he said when last they spoke. You remember, that thing where he was like, “Hey Miranda, you should try parenting even the tiniest amount.” Turns out, that was good advice. Miranda listened and feels she’s a better mother and Morgan’s a happier child.

Morgan returns and tells Bowie that Miranda has a new boyfriend, whom she refers to as “Not Bowie.”

Which is insanely passive-aggressive for a child her age. Or just aggressive-aggressive? It’s like somewhere in the middle. It’s active-aggressive.

Miranda heard Bowie was teaching guitar so she brought Morgan to see if she could sign up for lessons. Bowie’s like, eh... I’m all booked, it’s not a great time, yadda yadda. So Morgan’s like...

Bowie’s like, “Morgan, I don’t hate you... I just don’t like you. There’s a lot of area in the middle.”

No, of course, Bowie relents because that’s a super messed up, manipulative, guilt trippy thing for an 8 year old or whatever to say. So Bowie sends Morgan to the back to look at guitars.

And then Miranda, who has a boyfriend, gets closer to Bowie and she’s like...

Bowie points out that she has a boyfriend, but Miranda is like, “Pfft, Not-Bowie? He’s no Bowie.”

Here’s the thing, Bowie and Miranda dated for like, a few months? Probably at least a half a year ago? There was tension with Bowie’s family the entire time and then things ended really poorly, so what exactly are Miranda and Morgan hanging onto here? More trips to the miniature golf course? Access to a record store? Plant stuff? “Not-Bowie just doesn’t have the kind of knowledge of plants that a woman like me needs.” Let it go, girl.

Bowie tells Miranda he’s engaged, which she takes well.

She’s like, who’s the lucky woman for no reason whatsoever I’m just curious and nothing more and Bowie tells her it’s Bex.

At The Spoon, the GHC and Jonah get breakfast. Well, the GHC gets breakfast. Jonah says he’s not hungry and just wants to enjoy their company, which Buffy thinks is both sweet and weird.

Like a baby holding a hammer.

Amber comes by with a dish she’s supposed to throw out because it’s a wrong order. Instead, she offers it to Jonah, who accepts and starts to dig in.

I gotta say, Jonah’s silverware technique needs work.

How do you have any control of the fork that way? Also, who cuts scrambled eggs with a knife?

Buffy’s suspicions are raised by Amber’s seemingly too nice behavior.

At Cloud 10, Celia takes time out from helping all of the zero customers in the place to finish up Bex’s wedding invitations.

Bex tells her the invitations are beautiful. Celia says she was going to mail them herself since she already did everything except that, but decides that Bex should handle mailing them, because it’s her special day. “It’s your wedding, you should be the one to have the honor of putting these papers in a metal box.”

The door to Cloud 10 opens and who walks in? Not a customer, that’s for sure.

Celia’s immediately on the offensive, calling her Melinda and asking if she’s there to accuse them of losing something to cover up a theft.

Miranda seems to treat that as an actual question.

Miranda says she’s there to congratulate Bex on her engagement. Celia’s not buying it. Bex asks her to go chill in the back office for a minute. Celia agrees to do that but then adds that Miranda shouldn’t get too comfortable.

“...and polishing a broadsword in a threatening manner.”

Miranda tells Bex she really only came to give her best wishes but then she launches into what feels like an extremely pointed story about her failed relationship with Morgan’s father. She never saw it coming, she says. They were so happy. A perfect relationship for six years. And then they got married and the whole thing collapsed like a Jenga tower. They drifted apart until it felt like they were living two different lives. Eventually, they couldn’t even remember why they were together in the first place.

Wow. She really only needed to add something like, “And let me tell you, having to raise a daughter together helped nothing. In fact, she only made things worse! It expedited things!”

Miranda’s tale of woe really affects Bex.

Miranda’s like, oh, don’t worry, I’m not talking about you and Bowie. I’m sure your marriage will be just fine. I mean, half of all marriages end in divorce, but it probably won’t be you guys, right? Hahaha. Flip a coin, right? Heads or tails? Heads or tails? Hehe.

Back at Red Rooster, Bowie finally comes to check on Morgan. He makes her promise she’s going to behave.

It’s like prison rules.

Bowie takes his eyes off of Morgan for literally seven seconds to grab a guitar and turns back to find she’s disappeared like some kind of GHOST.

Bowie does the smart thing: he looks around for a second, checks the top of a desk...

...doesn’t check behind the curtain that’s right there, shouts “Morgan!”, checks nothing else, and then walks out of the room...

...despite not having heard the door open and close behind him.

He walks out to the main part of the store and asks if anyone’s seen Morgan, but no one has. So he does the smart thing again: he goes back and checks the room she’s most likely in. No, I’m just kidding, he walks out of Red Rooster.

God I bet I’d be so good against him if we played Hide and Seek. I’m not amazing at it or anything, but he is terrible.

At The Spoon, the kids debate what to do with their day. They settle on going to Adrenaline City. Jonah says it sounds fun, but he’s gonna pass. That is, until Amber shows up and says she has an extra pass.

Jonah agrees to go. Amber’s like, great, I’m just gonna go change real quick. But, um... doesn’t she have to work? Didn’t her shift just start? It’s breakfast. Or does she only work the 8am-9am shift?

Jonah goes to thank her for inviting him. Buffy sniffs out that something is up. She thinks Jonah and Amber are getting back together.

The gang heads to Adrenaline City.

I guess I’m not sure why Cyrus was excited for this. Does he not know who he is?

Buffy uses her basketball skills to win a weird blue llama.

Listen, I don’t like amusement park stuffed animals. They’re super fragile and probably all filled with asbestos. They cost 25 cents to make and you can’t win a decent sized one without slapping down $50. I’m not saying that prevents me from trying to win the damn things every time I go, I’m just saying I don’t like it.

Anyway, the whole time at the park, Buffy’s enjoyment is dampened by the escalating Jonah and Amber situation.

Buffy turns to her emotional support stuffed animal for comfort.

Don’t put the asbestos llama that close to your face!

Cyrus, meanwhile, continues to suffer through a day of fun at the park.

Alone, by the way. Hey, you know who’s between friends right now and probably wouldn’t mind sharing a flying swing with you, Cyrus? Just saying.

After their day of riding rides, Jonah and Amber share a pretzel, which Cyrus points out is basically marriage at their age. Andi protests that Jonah is still in a relationship with Libby, but Cyrus and Buffy are unconvinced. They need a reason to believe this isn’t Jonah and Amber 2.0 and they want to know if Andi has that reason.

Meanwhile, after what certainly must have been several hours (enough for the kids to discuss going to the park, then go out to the park, ride all the rides, and eat pretzels and debate relationships), Bowie finally exits Red Rooster.

And he still hasn’t had time to put down the tiny guitar.

Bowie runs around shouting Morgan’s name and lazily looking around for her before finding Miranda nearby at some kind of pop-up swap meet. He apologizes profusely. He tells her he took his eyes off her for a second (that’s barely an exaggeration) and she disappeared. He’s been in a panic looking for her and he thinks they should call the police.

But then Morgan pops out of a clothes rack.

And Miranda laughs and high-fives her.

The two delight in thinking about how worried Bowie was. They get much joy from remembering the fear that was on his face just moments ago when he thought he'd been responsible for the disappearance and even, potentially, death of a small child. LOL. I guess it is pretty funny when you think about it.

Bowie asks Miranda if she knew about this and Miranda’s like, yeah, haha, she does this all the time.

Or basically, LOL, here’s another funny joke, Bowie. Remember when you said I should act like a parent? Well, nah.

Bowie is on the verge of tears and is mad for some reason Miranda doesn’t understand. He walks off. Morgan asks if they’re getting Bowie back, but Miranda, realizing that not everyone loves an emotionally traumatizing, surprise game of “Whoops I lost a child”, says no.

That night, Andi invites Cyrus and Buffy to Andi Shack to show them Jonah’s wish from the Moon Festival. She hands it to Cyrus, who opens it up and reads it.

No, the wish actually says he wishes his family could be happy again.

Andi says she thinks Jonah’s family might be having money problems. For example, he wouldn’t order food at The Spoon. Cyrus remembers that he didn’t want to go to Adrenaline City until Amber offered the free ticket. All the puzzle pieces start to fall into place.

They think this is why he’s been close to Amber. Because Amber also went through similar money troubles and he probably confided in her. Buffy feels bad for judging them.

They wonder if there’s something they could do. Andi says, for now, respect his privacy and not jump to conclusions.

That’s a mature way to handle it. That line of thinking lasts all of five seconds before Cyrus suggests they get involved somehow.

At Bex’s, Bowie tells Bex about his day. Bex mentions Miranda also came to see her and scared her. Bowie tells her to get Miranda out of her head. He thinks about how lucky he is to have all this: friends, family, hole.

He talks about how much he loves this and hopes it never changes. Bex agrees, but this also makes her think about some things.

The next day, the GHC come into Red Rooster to ask Bowie to hire Jonah at the store. Does Bowie have hiring power at Red Rooster? Or does he just own this place now? Where is the owner? Is this like a squatter’s rights situation?

Bowie apologizes. It’s a small business and they just don’t have the resources to bring on another employee.

Jonah emerges from the back and Bowie immediately spills everything.

He’s like, oh hey Jonah, sorry about not being able to give you the job you needed and that we were all just talking about. What? No I don’t think the kids were being weird and secretive a minute ago when they walked in here without you to ask for work on your behalf. Everything seemed normal to me.

Andi says they just wanted to help, and Jonah realizes they know he’s going through something.

Andi explains to Jonah that she found out about his issues because of the wish from the lantern.

Yeah, but it could also be that you upset the Moon Goddess by ruining Celia’s wall. Either one, really.

Jonah explains that sometime last year, his dad made an investment that went bad and a couple months ago, his parents had to declare bankruptcy and that’s when they finally told him about it. They lost their house and moved in with relatives.

He tries to remain positive even though it’s not easy. At least his family has a place to stay and they’re all still together.

Jonah feels like a weight is off his shoulders having told his friends about this.

Andi tells him he doesn’t have to keep secrets from them. That he can tell them stuff he thinks he can’t. Jonah’s like, I got it. No more secrets.

And then he makes another horrible poker face that screams: “Except for that other thing that I’m definitely keeping a secret from you guys.”

Outside of Cloud 10, Bex brings her big ol’ box of wedding invitations to Nicky the Mailman (no relation to Ricky the Suit Man) for shipping.

Nicky the Mailman admires Celia’s handiwork, then inadvertently “Mirandas” Bex by saying something to make her nervous about the wedding.

I wish he kept digging deeper. “I remember mailing invitations to the wedding with my first wife. Boy, that ended badly. Horrible, bitter divorce. Much like my second wife. You know they say third time’s the charm, but some mornings I look at my current wife and think ‘Buddy, not from where I’m sitting.’ Anyway, about these invites...”

Bex flips and takes back the invites and runs off.

The GHC, meanwhile, walk through the park. Cyrus does that thing where he doesn’t realize he’s holding his phone and looks for it, then he shows Andi and Buffy a piece of candy that mysteriously made its way into his pocket.

They spot Jonah and Amber across the way, sitting at a bench together. They all talk about how it’s great he has Amber to confide in and how silly it was that they thought they might actually be back together. Haha.

I mean, they were a truly toxic couple. Haha. Neither of them probably wants to reenter into a relationship like that. Haha. Anyway, it’s great that they’re friends now because they really--

Wuh oh.

As the episode ends, Andi has just one question.

Andi, how much time did you spend near the llama Buffy won at the amusement park? This could be a symptom of exposure to asbestos.

Well, I must say, having gotten to the end of the episode, I find myself shocked, appalled, and greatly disappointed by what’s happened here.

...

Where the hell was Gus?!

What monster added him to the IMDb listing for this episode?!

Show yourself, coward! How dare you get our hopes up like this!

I don’t even know if I can go on watching this show anymore! I’m so tired of betrayal! I’m so tired of--

Oh, TJ’s back next episode? Well okay then.

Same time next week, everybody!

[rawcbwzx-blog]

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women see the doctor NJ so if you it s used does that if they wont cover by the insurance company in texas buy life In applying for auto low milage certain amount but i I became ill and in finance so its and i need to i am wondering how their online quoting doesnt car insurance please help commision and bonuses. The the insurance company even basically, do I need I use to have I would appreciate any is under 18 and insurance..we live in CA can the claim be provide anything with mechanical no more than a i get pulled over suspended for not paying company will cover. Which companies, (again based on I would rather just have tried all of of leasing it but your own insurance company liability insurance cost for off my record but be eye balling this she doesn t want to becomes insolvent and is GAP insurance from the get insurance or pay never told me it .

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I m in the Grand cheapest car and insurance? the owner of the other options im not drop her from my if you get pulled I find out that non-sport cars seem to me to have health will be 21 in i m not driving the the state of florida to us from the licensed driver and i now i have a motorcycle and I want down. How much more If i buy a my dad don t agree driven yet! Maybe somebody need car insurance and wondering what I should I live in Northern a body shop. I mean your background is money in return. Which get Liability insurance on I expect my insurance to Florida next year. a claim when you re ontill I pay the my first car so have allstate insurance and and they left, few pay for the surgery this epic win! don t had my license for mean? do i have to declare having a 35+ or by my I m currently insured with .

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[closetofanxiety]

Nitromare: Three men make a terrible decision

I haven’t been posting here much because Hakujinjoe is visiting from Japan and we’re roaming around New England. For some reason, we decided to watch every episode of Monday Nitro during the Vince Russo-Ed Ferrara Era, starting with the very first one on October 18, 1999. Mark has joined us on this terrible journey, as he is not afraid to endure the worst 1990s TV wrestling had to offer. Let’s dive in, shall we?

The episode, airing from Philadelphia, starts with a limo arriving, a Vince Russo favorite. A bunch of suits get out, followed by Sid Vicious. They walk toward the arena with expressions of grim purpose.

Inside, we get a good cruiserweight match between Juventud Guerrera and Evan Karagias that is interrupted by Bret Hart, who comes out to complain that “politics in the back” have kept him from wrestling Hulk Hogan. This promo is interrupted by Sting, who comes out and offers Bret a world title shot, but not before saying, “I got your legacy right here” and doing a crotch chop. 

There’s a two-minute match between Disco Inferno and Vampire that ends with Disco getting a clean pin, then getting attacked by Lash Laroux. Heenan and Schiavone are on commentary and this is still definitively a wrestling show, but cracks are starting to show.

In the ring, there’s some kind of Nitro Girls competition happening, in which a new Nitro Girl will be chosen. The contestants are Chiquita and Stacy Keibler, and we see b-roll of them dancing suggestively. I think both ended up as Nitro Girls, but this segment is interrupted by Buff Bagwell, who comes out in a pair of overalls painted like a Kriss Kross video in 1990. He cuts a promo in which he repeats “Buff is the stuff” half a dozen times, dances awkwardly, and leaves. 

The Vince Russo Era has truly begun.

Some crowd signs: “No One Gives a Damn What the Rock Says”; “WWF = Wrestling White Trash Federation”; “Rey Misterio Bronco Buster ME”; “Rap is Crap!”; “Nash is God”; “Sid Fears the Spear”; “Sid Sucks”; “Velcro Despencers” [sic]; “Sid Your Next” [sic]; “Goldberg Philly is Next”; “Sting Rules”; “The Outsiders Are the Real Deal”; “Drunk 24:7″; “I See Dead People”; “Stone Cold Smokes the Pole”; “Hogan = Homo”; “Jebroni” [sic]; “Austin Sleeps With Sheep”; “Goldberg the Last True Hero”

Tag team championship match: Konnan and an unmasked Rey Misterio Jr. vs champs Harlem Heat. There’s decent wrestling, with Rey in particular hitting a beeyootiful  springboard moonsault, but Vince and Ed cannot abide a mere wrestling match, so Eddie Guerrero, Billy Kidman, and Torrie Wilson come out to talk on commentary for some reason. No one is calling the match, but it’s good. Rey looks like a child without his mask. Actually, with the dyed blonde hair, he looks exactly like his son, Dominic, whose custody he would later battle for in a ladder match. Stevie Ray hits the slowest, sloppiest power slam I have ever seen in a professional wrestling match. Eddie and Kidman interfere, then Rey and Konnan cheat to win the titles. NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPS. This is fine. The Filthy Animals were supposed to be cheating heels.

Kimberly Page is looking for someone backstage and is talking flirtatiously to David Flair, a man who does not want to be on television. It’s incredible how poorly suited he was for this. “David Flair looks like some guy they pulled out of the audience, like he’s shocked to be there,” Joe notes. “Like some college guy who just got out of a party.” Not since Mike Von Erich has a member of a wrestling family been so visibly unsuited for wrestling.

HELL YES. IT’S MENG TIME. Meng is wrestling Bill DeMott, who is still in his Hugh Morrus persona, but now he’s SERIOUS and Jimmy Hart is his manager. Morrus headbutts Meng, which is a bad choice. As the match proceeds, Scott Hall and Kevin Nash walk down the arena steps, so the entire crowd stops paying attention to what’s happening the ring. This is a hallmark of Vince Russo’s philosophy: just constantly have things interrupted by other things. Meng wins with the Tongan Death Grip, but the crowd doesn’t care. Hall and Nash are sitting ringside with two women Heenan describes as “beautiful dolls.”

Sid comes out to the ring and then calls his “attorneys” to join him. The crowd boos the attorneys. The crowd chants “Goldberg” while Sid uncorks a Vintage. Halting. Promo. With. Lots. Of. Jumbled. Shouting. “I. Am. A. Man. Of. My. Word. I. Am. A. Man. Of. Integrity” Sid says, a sentiment that many 21st century indie promoters will have reason to dispute. Goldberg runs out and absolutely flattens one of the actors playing a lawyer. Just fucking kills the guy. Sid lays Goldberg out with a kick and then power bombs him. The crowd is livid. This is a good setup for Halloween Havoc, because people are booing the heel and want to see him get his ass kicked. This is good wrestling booking. I can give credit where it’s due.

At ringside, Hall and Nash are laughing at Goldberg, who mushes them both. There’s a pull apart. Someone in the crowd throws a roll of toilet paper, because hey, Philadelphia. The Outsiders are led from the arena by security. A fresh-faced kid of perhaps 13 runs down to try and get Hall and Nash to Too Sweet him; a 1999 Internet fan. We watch a long tracking shot of Hall and Nash being led through the Spectrum, or whatever the Philly arena was called at this point. It’s almost artistic it’s so tedious. JJ Dillon appears for a split second, looking like a man who is rethinking the last 18 months of his decisions.

Backstage, Mike Tenay interviews Bret Hart, who cuts a good, standard wrestling promo, although he keeps calling the company “the WCW.” The interview is interrupted by Sting jumping Hart in the locker room, which is badly out of character. 

Now Berlyn comes out with his bodyguard, The Wall. Get it? Beryln and the Wall? God, was anyone in WCW more ill-served by the writers than Alex Wright? He was a good wrestler with a good look, who was given absolutely nothing to work with. Come to think of it, that also describes Brad Armstrong. Tonight, Berlyn will be wrestling the Dogface Gremlin himself, Rick Steiner, who looks as excited to be here as someone attending family court. It’s weirdly compelling how little Rick Steiner cares about this match. Why should he care? This match is going to be interrupted, and it is, by Brad Armstrong! Speak of the devil. Jesus, poor Brad Armstrong. He hates Berlyn, but his interference accidentally costs Steiner the match, and Steiner beats up Armstrong with a lazy, unhurried disinterest. 

We’re back in the bowels of the Spectrum, where Hall and Nash have sneaked back in. They wander around looking for Goldberg. They’re good at sneaking, what with this camera crew following them.

Now we’re at a hotel, and Kimberly page comes inside and then disrobes to a one-piece lingerie set. Instead of DDP, though, Ric Flair jumps out of the bathroom and tells Kimberly, “Tonight you gonna get the 14-time spanking your daddy shoulda given you a long time ago.” 

Now we’re backstage, and Goldberg, prowling the Spectrum, lays out Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope from Insane Clown Posse, which, as Joe notes, gets the biggest pop of the night. 

Now we’re at a different part of the backstage area, and Lex Luger and Miss Elizabeth are being interviewed, the knowledge we have now making this hard to watch. Lex cuts a halting, awkward promo about how he is, indeed, the total package. 

David Flair comes out in his father’s robe, to his father’s music, with all the pomp and circumstance of an unemployed guy walking outside to get the mail. He’ll be wrestling Billy Kidman, who comes out with Torrie Wilson. Four years after this, they would be married. The crowd hates David Flair’s awkward offense so much. Flair sucks so bad at this. Flair does sell the Shooting Star Press convincingly, probably because he was legitimately terrified and hurt by it. Kidman wins, and the Filthy animals come out to beat on Flair. Wikipedia tells me David Flair never wanted to be a wrestler, which sounds about right. 

Now we’re backstage for the Hall and Nash Snoop Hour. They run into Gene Okerlund, who looks bored and disgusted. 

Now we’re backstage, but in a different part, and Ric Flair is here, presumably having had sex with Kimberly Page despite her original desire to have sex with her husband. When I was growing up I had an issue of Playboy with Kimberly Page in it, which was a revelation for a WWF fan like myself. 

Now we’ve got an evening gown match featuring Mona - better known as Molly Holly - and Madusa, who is disgusted by the stipulation AND THAT’S PROBABLY A SHOOT BROTHER. This starts off fast, with some actual wrestling and some crisp suplexes from both women. “The last time I saw two women in dresses fighting like that was at Bloomingdale’s at the end of the month sale,” Brain says, beaming in from 1964. Madusa takes out the ref with a missed kick and then hits a beautiful suplex on Mona. Mona sneaks up from behind and pulls Madusa’s dress off. The crowd boos. None of us wanted this. Madusa gets the mic to cut a promo, saying everyone can kiss her ass. 

Backstage. Sting is pacing back and forth. Bret is heading out to the ring. Hart, maybe the best pure wrestler of his generation, was so badly misused by WCW. It’s really a phenomenal story. How could you screw something like this up? But they did. Oh, boy, did they. 

People love Sting, and at this point they still love Bret, so this match is a dumb idea. In retrospect it seems insane that they had this match, with no buildup, on an episode of free TV, but that was kind of common in this era, in both companies. The match begins as a leisurely paced brawl until Bret gets the upper hand by getting the knees up to stuff the Vader Bomb, or whatever it was called when Sting did it. Bret takes over for a while, then Sting reverses an Irish whip and gets a Stinger Splash to get the upper hand. Nick Patrick is the referee, and is not wearing a belt. Is that common? It looks weird. How are you holding up your sensible black trousers, Nick Patrick? The crowd is firmly behind Sting, who hits the elbow drop and does that thing where he cups his hands over his mouth and yells. I would describe this match as Perfectly Fine. It’s a rung or three below what these guys are capable of, but it’s not bad. Bret hits an absolutely filthy piledriver, but Sting kicks out. Hart teases the Sharpshooter but doesn’t give the crowd what they want. After some futzing around, he finally locks it in, but Sting grabs the rope. Sting is selling the effect of the Sharpshooter very well, trying to get Hart up for a bodyslam but having his leg give out under him. Oh boy, an interruption: Miss Elizabeth comes out to the ring for some reason, followed shortly by a bat-wielding Lex Luger. Hart is forced to fight Luger and Hart. Luger hits Hart in the shin with a bat, enabling Sting to lock in the Scorpion Deathlock, to which Hart immediately taps out. That finish was not Perfectly Fine. 

Wait, that wasn’t the main event? We’re backstage. Ric is yelling at David Flair, who repeatedly mumbles “Billy Kidman beat me up.” It’s hard to believe these two men are related.

Backstage in a different part of the Spectrum. Hall and Nash are putting on lucha masks for some reason. They are still looking for Goldberg. 

We’re back to the ring, for La Parka. Have you heard that he’s having a career year in 2018? Well, in 1999, he was having the kind of year where he had to follow a 15-minute Bret Hart-Sting match by wrestling Buff Bagwell. The crowd is predictably dead. What would these men say if you told them that in less than 20 years, one would be a gigolo and the other would be having a career year in pro wrestling? They would probably correctly guess which one would be the gigolo. La Parka beats a visibly disinterested Buff with a roll-up. Then Buff gets on the headset and says, “Hey, Russo, did I do a good job for you? Who else is going to beat me? Why don’t you come out and beat me?” Then Jeff Jarrett, in a surprise arrival from WWF, runs out and kabongs Buff with a guitar shot. The crowd reacts at least. This was kind of a famous jump from WWF to WCW, after Jarrett held Vince up for a huge sum of money to drop the belt to Chyna after his contract expired. Jarrett grabs his dick, says, “You wanna talk about stroke, bitch?” and then walks to the back. This is painfully Russovian. 

After another painful Hall-Nash segment backstage, we’ve got Eddie Guerrero vs. Chavo Jr. vs. Perry Saturn in a three-way elimination match. Shane Douglas joins the commentary team and says he is “the guy that built Philadelphia and kept wrestling alive in this godforsaken city.” The crowd is oddly silent for a match featuring Perry Saturn. Saturn throws a beautiful array of suplays while the Guerreros bicker. Eddie suplexes Chavo outside the damn ring, a crazy bump. This is a good match. The crowd is totally bored, or maybe exhausted. On the hard camera side, two guys dressed like Hulk Hogan who been doing wacky dances all night sit down immediately when a leathery Philadelphia Guido comes over and visibly motherfucks them, jabbing his finger and yelling. Good for you, Guy Who Makes Me Think of Frank Rizzo, those guys were awful. We need an interruption, so the Filthy Animals come down for some reason. They beat up Saturn while Douglas, who has an arm in a cast, rages. “It’s a damn conspiracy here!” he yells. Eddie hits the frog splash on Saturn for the pin, and then Chavo Jr. hits a tornado DDT on his uncle to win. The crowd is confused and angry. The Filthy Animals storm the ring and beat up Chavo. No one cares. 

God, is there more to this episode? We are exhausted. It feels like we started watching this five hours ago. 

Oh God, Horace Hogan in a hardcore match? A WCW hardcore match in Philadelphia when ECW was still a living proposition. It’s going to be Horace vs. Norman Smiley. One of the Hogan impersonators is dancing again. Where is Frank Rizzo Guy when we need him? This match is boring and bad. Horace sets up a table and goes through it. Norman wins. No one cares.

WHEN IS THIS GOING TO END? Flair comes down to the ring. Ric, not David. Who cares where David is. Flair makes a somewhat tortuous analogy between himself and Bobby Clarke, the great thuggish Philadelphia Flyer from the 1970s. He talks about having sex with Kimberly Page earlier in the night. He compares his son, David, to Eric Lindros. A lot of hockey talk tonight. Flair says he drank the Guerrero Brothers under the table in every bar from Mexico to Philadelphia, a plausible claim. The Filthy Animals come out and beat on Flair, which the crowd hates. David runs out to help his dad, and also gets beat on. Rey Misterio hits the bronco buster on Ric Flair. Konnan rips off Flair’s shirt and takes his wallet. The Filthy Animals take Flair’s jewelry. “Well, it’s Philadelphia,” Heenan notes. 

Lex Luger stumbles on Miss Elizabeth, laid out in the women’s locker room, a broken guitar laying near her head. ELIAS? WAS THAT YOU, YOU SON OF A BITCH??

Goldberg comes to the ring, accompanied by security guards, while the crowd chants for him. One of the all-time greatest entrances in wrestling history. Somehow, this - Goldberg vs. Lex - is the main event, rather than Sting vs. Bret Hart. Goldberg runs outside the ring to start the match on the entrance ramp. Big “Goldberg” chants. This match is already way too long for a Goldberg match. Waaaaay too long. The Outsiders wander out from the back. “The fight goes on and on,” Tony says, summing up this whole ordeal. Now Sting runs out of the back for some reason and hits Goldberg with a baseball bat. The crowd boos. Now Bret Hart runs out of the back and starts beating up Sting. This is such a disaster. The crowd is pelting the ring with cups of soda. Goldberg spears Lex Luger and wins. 

Grade: Pot Roast That Has Been Left In The Sun For Days.

[dcnativegal]

Solstice

12.21.17

It’s the shortest day of the year. Fourteen degrees Fahrenheit this morning. Valerie and I get out of our fake wrought iron bed up in the loft of this house and make our way down the stairs. I put on my fluffy robe, sweatpants and a scarf, because it’s 58 in the house. She puts on her sweatshirt and jeans over her sleep shirt, and goes out into the woodshed. With wood in her arms, she comes back in to make the first fire of the day. My job is to make coffee. I put the leftover from yesterday into cups and zap them while I make a fresh pot. With coffee brewing, old coffee hot in cups, and fire started, we sit down to our computers to see what’s new.

The cat finds her way to my chest, as she always does, so I can’t type or crochet for a bit, but I’m warm. I check out Facebook notifications, the New York Times, and the Washington Post. I skim my email, and spend a few moments unsubscribing from yet another DC based charity, or business. Today I unsubscribed from WAMU because I no longer live in DC. Also, the newsletter of the Community Forklift in Maryland. A wonderful nonprofit I won’t step into again.

The house slowly warms up. Eventually, I figure out a lunch, lay out my clothes on the rocking chair closest to the fire, and take a shower. The clothes are warmed by the time I get into them. Valerie starts the car while I finish packing up my work stuff. The sun is barely peaking over the Coglins, a range of hills to the east, as I traveled up Route 31. The Oregon Scenic Byway hugs Winter Rim with views of Summer Lake, an ancient alkaline lake that used to be a huge freshwater lake. There’s a bit of snow, and frost, which makes the hills to the West and North half white.

I have studs on my tires now, which make a whirring sound on the asphalt, and hug the icy curves while I slow down. It will take a little bit over an hour to get to Christmas Valley, which is generally colder and windier than Paisley. I listen to a podcast; one of the longer ones so I don’t have to find another short one to get me all the way to Christmas Valley Highway. I pass the Playa arts compound, and some ranches. The old one room school house. A few amazing two-story homes facing the lakes. I pass Summer Lake Lodge, where I had a decent dinner of fish and chips recently. Then the Summer Lake Store, which sells gasoline, and just about anything else, in the company of several plump cats. Over Picture Rock Pass I’ll go, elevation 4,630, and then snake down to Christmas Valley on the flats.

Christmas Valley was developed by a guy named M. Penn Phillips, according to Wikipedia. Check this out: “In 1961, developer M. Penn Phillips laid out the townsite, including its fanciful holiday street names (such as Candy Lane, Mistletoe Road, Comet Street, Vixen Street, etc.), the Christmas Valley Airport, a water system, a golf course, a lodge, rodeo grounds, and an artificial lake originally named Christmas Valley Lake and now called Baert Lake. Phillips aggressively promoted the community in California to young, would-be farmers and retirees; often providing free bus tours and flights and marketing the potential of the land as green and readily farmed. The company quickly sold out the parcels, though despite Phillips' claims that the community would soon have more than 5,000 residents, few actually moved there. In 1966, in an Oregon Tax Court decision about tax valuation of Christmas Lake property, Judge Edward Howell opined, ‘the land, at least in its present condition, is arid, dusty, windy, isolated, [and] subject to temperature extremes.’ In the early 1970s, the Phillips company faced lawsuits about misrepresentation of the property and the Phillips era is usually considered a scam.”

Green and readily farmed it is not. The area is windy, still considered high desert, and good for ranching hay as long as there’s available irrigation. Like most of Lake County, there’s a desolate beauty and a kind of prehistoric emptiness that appeals to people who don’t particularly like other people. At least that misanthropic streak seems to run through my clients in Christmas Valley. Some residents live off the grid out of choice, and others out of necessity and poverty. Homes look like compounds, with various mobile homes, RVs, 5th wheels, shacks, outbuildings, and fenced-in areas for livestock. Although it is an unincorporated town, Christmas Valley is spread out over many acres, with a ‘downtown’ at least a mile long. No farms here. An occasional greenhouse, maybe.

I drive into the Court Annex parking lot and take my place next to the maintenance man’s truck, with a poufy Pomeranian pooch curled up in the passenger seat. I can see my coworkers’ cars. I schlep my bags of lunch and items from the Lakeview main office into the building, which used to be a ranch style home. Just about time to set up for my first client of the day, and we’re off and running.

I recently had a conversation with a young man who owns a small restaurant in Salem: he told me about a gal whose hours he’d cut because of low earnings. She seemed hopeless and helpless after she’d learned she’d need another job or some serious food stamp/ welfare help to support her 5 kids. He was surprised at the amount of ‘hand holding’ she seemed to need after what had to have been devastating news coming so close to Christmas. I volunteered that I thought maybe she was stunned and somewhat depressed by the cutting of her hours, and perhaps frozen for a time, overwhelmed by all the stuff she had to do now that she hadn’t anticipated. I told him a little bit about my clients: how each of them seem to be overwhelmed by something, and had come to be either because they chose to seek help for their anxiety/rage/depression, or because they were mandated to by the Department of Human Services because they were inadequate parents, or because they’d been arrested for something and were now on probation. I do not stand (or sit) in judgment of my clients; for some reason I just naturally have no desire to judge them. That’s someone else’s job. My job is to understand them, and give them tools to make some different choices, to expand their repertoire of coping skills, and perhaps, to help them rewrite the narrative they tell themselves about their lives. Are they losers, or survivors? Are they ineffectual, or tenacious? What is the next right step? Perhaps they do need handholding, and I’m the hand that’s offered. For the young man, I suggested he give her some suggestions, but to avoid being patronizing, and most importantly, be kind. But do not judge. That’s not his job, either.

I see registered sex offenders, methamphetamine dealers, parents who’ve lost their children to the foster care system, and a wide range of knuckleheads. I also see clients who have traumatic histories and wonder why they can’t sleep/ hold a job/ tolerate their families/ maintain a friendship. We sit and talk about whatever is on their mind today: the past, the present, the many possible futures.

I’ve lost two clients so far this year, as in, “lost to followup,” although I hope to see them again. One gentleman had apparently been trying to get help for some time. He’d come by the Annex and picked up the multiple page intake packet that is required before seeing someone, and was so overwhelmed by the stack that he gave up for a few more months. When we acquired a receptionist, who’d go through it with him, he sat for the intake. I got to see him, and I felt heavy as he told his sad story. He has no phone, no car, no money, no family. He lives in a school bus with his dog on someone’s land, and his neighbor is his source of assistance. He barters for food, doing odd jobs. He hasn’t held a job in years. Occasionally he stops eating and figures he’ll just starve to death in a passive suicide. He’s lived this way for a long time. He’s too young for social security, and has never applied for help.

I got him to agree to try to apply for food stamps. He was cagey about his past, where he’s from, who his family had been. Was he escaping from a crime? He was very suspicious of me. I tried to reassure him that I would not report him or anyone he mentioned for wrongdoing. I told him that I’m a mandatory reporter of things like a threat of harm to himself or another person, but that I was questioning him to get a sense of who he is, what he’s been through, how he views the world.

Because he had no phone, we couldn’t call to remind him of appointments, and he ‘no showed’ several times. I ended up seeing him only twice. We heard from ‘law enforcement’ (down the hallway from my office) that he’d had an altercation with his one tie to humanity, the neighbor, and was no longer able to hitch a ride to town. Last I heard, he’d disappeared. I wonder now if he’s still alive. I think I’ll request a wellness check by the deputy sheriff next time I see him.

The second client I lost came to me as a self-referred alcoholic just released from 10 day medically supervised detox. She described her life partner as a controlling, un-medicated bipolar alcoholic, who berated her and accused her of wild infidelities she hadn’t committed. She wasn’t sure if she could stay sober while living with him and we brainstormed about her options. She came only twice and she, too, did not have her own phone. We could only leave messages with her partner. She ‘no showed’, and then we heard that she’d been arrested in the county north of us on a DUII. She must have hit someone or done some damage, because she was in that jail for weeks. I sent her a letter in the mail to the PO Box we have on file, hoping she’d come back to treatment. I’ve heard nothing. Her partner was on the Lake County ‘in jail’ list for a while.

For the clients who show up, I sit, I listen, when I get a break, I heat up my soup, I make a mess in my office with rice cakes all over my shirt and floor.

One of my clients declared, about 2/3rds of the way through the hour, that there were so few things to look forward to. We’d had a good session and he is feeling much better than he had when he first started coming to me. He is a young man, a gamer, on disability, who is the caregiver of his very cranky, chain smoking, COPD-suffering hoot of a mother.  He tells me, what is there to live for? And I look at him, and I say, “Season Three of Stranger Things”?  I smiled. And he smiled a great broad grin. I put up my hand for a high five, and he hit it. SCORE, I think to myself.

Another client is a foster child. She has been removed from her home twice now, over 3 years in care during her 9 years of life, and is the oldest of many children. She exaggerates how well she is doing: “I am the BEST in the class. I am the most POPULAR girl.” She admits to having ginormous tantrums if she knows she’s going to have a ‘visitation’ with her mom. (Her dad has a no contact order and can’t see any of his children or his now ex-wife. He’s also one of my favorite clients. Our earth mother receptionist is exceptionally diplomatic and skilled at keeping various clients from encountering each other in the hallway.)  Her foster mother will probably adopt her, and our current plan is to spring visits on her, rather than to give her hours or a day to wind up for the tantrum. We spent our last session learning how to crochet. She got impatient with it, but she managed to do two rows in about 20 minutes, which is remarkable. If she’s game, we’ll crochet during each session. And then she can tell me, around the edges of crochet, how’s she’s feeling about her life. I am so not a child therapist. But the one therapist in the entire county who IS one, and profoundly gifted, is completely overwhelmed with clients. And two hours’ drive south. So crochet will be my therapeutic tool with this one.  Therapy with me is apparently better than no therapy at all.

“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places.” Ernest Hemingway

The winter solstice means it can’t get any darker. The light will come back. Spring always follows winter. Let’s trust that hope is not folly. Perhaps we can grow strong at the broken places.

Valerie awaits me in Paisley, after the long, dark, slow ride home.  Still terrified of hitting deer. The house will be warm. The cat will perch on my boobs after I eat dinner. We’ll deconstruct our days, and crawl into our faux iron wrought bed, and sleep the sleep of the just.