#wigmastersenemy

[wigwurq]

WIG REVIEW: BEING THE RICARDOS

And here we are. With only a few days to go before the Oscars, I actually forced myself to watch this. My mental health might be worse for it, but I consider this a personal and professional achievement. And the only achievement which should be associated with this movie though it would be more accurate to call this a hallucinatory fever dream which will test your will to live. I watched it so you will never have to. But what about the wigs? LET’S DISCUSS.

As we all know, Nicole Kidman is wigmaster’s enemy #1 and also someone who has brought me on terrifying wig journeys of coats, nonsense, and big little lies (twice!) I didn’t think I could mentally endure another such journey but I’m a garbarge person who couldn’t bear to see my Fire TV advertise this trash without watching it any more. We all have our limits!!!

Here’s the thing: THIS MOVIE IS A LIE! A LIE UPON A LIE UPON A LIE!! It claims to be a biopic but that is probably an insult to both biographies and moving pictures because it takes events from the lives of Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz which occurred in real life over the course of several years - Lucy’s second pregnancy, being accused of being a communist, Desi being accused of being unfaithful, etc etc. This all happened at various different times but Aaron Sorkin shoehorns them into happening in one week for narrative purposes (?) but also presents this information in a mockumentary style which serves to promote all of this as actual facts. People play older versions of I Love Lucy staff and address the camera to perpetuate this narrative timeline of lies! LIES UPON LIES UPON LIES! This movie is the Human Centipede of biopics!

ANYWAY! Nicole Kidman plays Lucy even though she is 10-100 years older than the real Lucille Ball at the time of the event(s). As promised, her wigs are perhaps the worst she has worn in years?? LOOK AT THE PART IN THIS THING!!!! NO SCALP TO BE SEEN UNDER ANYTHING. TEXTURE LIKE IT’S STRAIGHT FROM HALLOWEEN ADVENTURE. THE WORST.

Apologies to Javier Bardem for being a part of this AT ALL.

The movie does manage to flash back from the “week” in which it takes place to show how Lucy and Desi met in the first place and established themselves in Hollywood. This movie really is La La Land in that it is absolute fantasy nonsense and also somehow worst than the 2016 movie of the same name. In the 40s (?) Lucy had this brunette fright wig and JESUS GOD NO. (Javier Bardem’s sleek pompadour is fine). 

Back in the made up ‘50s, Nicole Kidman - who is using a regular Nicole Kidman pseudo-Australian voice to be Lucy off camera, and a shrill off-Brooklynease voice on camera (CHOICES!!) - is micromanaging the whole rehearsal process because THIS SHOW HAS TO WORK or else it’s maybe going to get canceled and she is going to get blacklisted? I dunno. The stakes are vague and since we know the result are also nonexistent! Also the writing is confusing, the movie is endless, the wigs are TERRIBLE. Along for this journey into the heart of darkness are JK Simmons and Nina Ariana as Fred and Ethel and look NOTHING LIKE THEM but it’s not like Javier or Nicole look remotely like Desi and Lucy so SURE!

ALSO! Alia Shawkat plays the one female writer on the staff (AND HER OLDER VERSION IS PLAYED BY LINDA LAVIN AND YES!!!!) Anyway, this wig is 50s housewife FINE and I would have rather watched a movie SOLELY about this character. 

Instead we are treated to endless backstory about how I Love Lucy came to be which basically is told to us that Lucy lost her movie contract at RKO and had to make radio comedies instead and I made the grave error of trying to factcheck this timeline via IMDb and it is obviously ALL BLATANT LIES - BITCH MADE LIKE 30000 movies during the decade this movie would have us believe she had no film prospects! But why did I even bother researching? I knew this movie was a lie so that’s on me. 

Whether on display on a radio soundstage, put into an updo, or hidden under a hat that looks like a delicious cinnamon roll, these wigs made me wish that this movie had been on the radio SO I DIDN’T HAVE TO LOOK AT THEM.

In the end, Lucy and Desi manage to remain a successful TV force (WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED THAT THIS SHOW WAS SUCCESSFUL?) And though Nicole Kidman tried to gaslight me into liking her via wearing this really awesome vest and slacks set, there is no way in hell this movie had any viability of wurqing for me on any level and it actually managed to be somehow worse than I anticipated.

AND I HAVEN’T EVEN ADDRESSED WHATEVER MAKEUP/PROSTHETICS/HOODOO WITCHERY THEY USED TO MAKE HER FACE LOOK LIKE THIS! THIS!!!!! MAY THIS IMAGE HAUNT YOU FOREVER BECAUSE IT CERTAINLY WILL HAUNT ME FOR THE REST OF MY LIVING DAYS! HAPPY OSCAR WEEK!

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ

[wigwurq]

WIGMASTER'S ENEMY : JESSICA CHASTAIN

Oh Jessica Chastain. Gurlfriend seems to be everywhere lately. Sometimes in an intergalactic dustbowl, sometimes being lost by James McAvoy. And nearly always, she goes wigless.

But when she doesn't like fellow ginger minx Amy Adams before her, wigmasters everywhere have issued her a collective "NOPE!" What did she do to deserve these awful wigs? We may never know. We can just watch in horror and say - "never make an enemy of a wigmaster!" Oh, the horror: