#why wait for sunday when i can be ✨normal✨ about them today

[qianruye]

– butterflies rising aou thanaboon and boom tharatorn in vice versa (2022) | enchante (2022) | midnight museum (2023) | hidden agenda (2023)

[randomlyritchie]

🍁I Can’t Live Up To The World’s Expectations🍂

One of the most conflicting things in my adult life is being asked questions about myself & my life. I can remember when I graduated college & being asked what I was going to do. I was still a barista but I planned on trying to get a “real” job. It’s stressful enough when you don’t exactly have it all figured out & you get this question over & over. When you hit adulthood it becomes questions about how your weekend was, how your vacation was, how your holidays were, or questions about your personal life. There are times that I just want to wear a shirt that says, “I’m in the middle of a depressive episode,” or “the holidays are going to suck because I come from a dysfunctional family.” If I just came out & said that the reason that I don’t have a husband & kids is because I chose to put that aspect of my life in God’s hands & he is still making me wait…would people understand? I just started to hit a point years ago that I just kind of don’t want to talk about myself or my life unless it’s to certain people. Because I don’t think that people understand. And everything is not gloom & doom. I’d rather be single than live in a toxic relationship. I’m cool with never having kids if that is the only way to avoid bringing more trauma into my lineage. I don’t like the holidays but I endure them. I live through my mental health issues & it isn’t always bad. But I just don’t like to always talk about it…whether it’s good or bad. I think the conflict comes in because I know people mean well…but I still don’t want to talk about it.

When it comes to the weekend, there’s too much expectation. This weekend, I’m luteal phasing…so everything is extra hard. Still, I thought I was somehow going to come home & read for a couple hours. What happened was just me sleeping. Today I thought I was gonna relax my hair & read. I slept & slept…because ms. luteal wants to suck all of the life force out of me. Then, I got the strength to get up & go to the store. My earphones shorted out & I needed news ones. Sooo, I still use wired headphones. Like, the whole wireless thing just feels like too much. But because we are constantly pushed to do what the powers that be want…I had to go to six stores before I could get what I wanted. By the time I’d hit store #4, I was ready to go wireless UNTIL I saw that I would need to charge my earphones!!! Like, that is literally the stupidest thing to me. I’m sorry. I’m not charging my earphones. Then I came home & ate lunch. I played my video game & I went back to sleep. And now it’s almost Sunday. There is absolutely nothing riveting about what I just told you. Like, nothing at all. And it’s fine because that is my life. But nobody wants to hear about that. And this is why 1. I have no expectations for the weekend. 2. I just don’t like talking about my life anymore. I just have a normal random life that works & sometimes doesn’t feel like it works for me. And even though I sometimes just want it to all be over, I still love a lot of things about my existence. It’s just in the face of the masses…my life doesn’t feel like it lives up. One of my goals for Fall is to let go of caring what people think of my life. I feel like God showed me that I took a different path so my life is naturally gonna look different. And that’s okay. Anyway, the highlight of today is my new book & Lore Olympus putting out a new volume. Which is another thing that I don’t know that people fully understand. Me & my love for books. And even if I had a man, I’d still be reading my books.

xoxo,

Autumn ✌🏾🫶🏾✨