#why the fuck am I wasting so much time explaining myself?

[vaspider]

Listen to me. Listen very carefully:

They are trying to wear you out.

They are trying to wear you out, and they own most major social media now, along with many major media outlets. The disinformation machine is cranking along. You are going to have to slow the fuck down and read things before you help them wear out other people, too.

So you just saw a post about a real scary bill, hunh? Republicans want to make it a capital offense to pet dogs and repeal The Sky Is Blue Act of 1793, declaring the new official color of the sky to be squant? Damn, that sounds scary.

Let's go look up this fictitious "Make The Sky Squant Again Act" on GovTracker* & on the official legislative tracker on congress.gov!

Well, let's see... GovTracker estimates it has a 1% chance of even getting out of committee and a 0% chance of being enacted, while congress.gov says this bill has 2 cosponsors who have been in the House and combined total of less than a month. The bill doesn't have any actual text, and it was referred to 5 different committees.

That fictitious bill and a hundred others like it are quite literally not worth your time, and more than that, continuing to wring your hands about it and tell other people about the scary scary squant sky bill only does their work for them. It scares people, it makes them spend time and energy on it, and it wears them out. It is a legislative Gish Gallop, meant to throw so many things at people that we can't keep up.

Even calling or messaging your Rep in this case means their staffer has to waste time responding to you and letting you know that Representative Buttzonheads definitely won't support making petting dogs a capital offense, a thing that will never, ever happen regardless.

Staying engaged in this environment is going to require protecting your heart and protecting your energy, yes, but also protecting the energy of others. This is why WWII propaganda posters also included ones taking people to task for spreading panicky rumors and undermining morale.

Do you know why most observant Jews don't eat chicken and dairy together, even though the ban is on red meat and dairy together bc you're not supposed to cook the calf in the milk of its mother?** It's not because we think that chicken might secretly lactate or Just Because. It's because the rabbis decided that if I'm sitting out in public and eating turkey and cheese together, someone might glance at the turkey and mistake it for red meat and think, "oh, well, I know that Spider is a good Jew, there must have been a change, or maybe I can just justify it to myself that if Spider does it, it must be permissible to bend the rules just that much." And I would then be accidentally leading my fellow Jew astray. We are responsible for being even more careful for the sake of others than we are for ourselves.

It's the same principle here. We need to really be careful about the information we are spreading and check things past reading a news site. Is it true? Is it relevant? Is it meaningful? Is the news site one I recognize? Can I find meaningful independent corroboration on another site, which is to say, if I find an article about it on a second site, is it just quoting or rephrasing this site?

Yeah, that is a lot. But that's how we keep them from using us to lead our fellows astray.

*GovTracker is an independent site. They explain their methodology in their About section.

**I cannot say enough how I am not at this time interested in going on a Jewish Side Quest About Dietary Laws on this post. Usually, I love it, but hold off this time, please, y'all. Let's stay on target this once.

[mykoreanlove]

on being real

“I don’t want to date you anymore, Jackson.”

The silver fork he was holding in his left hand fell onto the marble floor, crashing the silence caused by your announcement. Jackson was visibly irritated, big frowns on his face.

“You… what? Why?”

For days you had been practicing this moment, imagining how you would explain your reasons and set him free. And even though you went over this moment hundreds of times, you were not prepared for the gravel pit of anxiety in your stomach. You didn’t do this because you didn’t want him, no. Your feelings were as strong as ever, but Jackson never opened up, he never let you take a look behind his porcelain façade. You decided to no longer waste your time with someone that only portrayed his good sides.

“I don’t feel like knowing you, Jackson. You only show me your good sides, you never share your problems with me. I just…”, you stumbled to find the right words.

“Say it, y/n”, he urged you with a serious tone.

“I feel like I’m dating a fake.”

Ouch, the pit grew bigger.

Jackson hid his face behind his hands, shielding himself from you. You didn’t think it would affect him that much, but his silent sobs gave him away.

“I’m sorry, Jackson.”

It didn’t take long for him to change into his real self, which you finally saw for the first time after months of dating. His eyes, always sparkly but never serene, turned dead, drained from life and love. You silently gasped, surprised to see the abyss behind the veil.

Jackson broke out in laughter as he wiped away his tears.

“Dating a fake, huh?”

Tears started to form in your eyes, seeing him like that broke your heart.

“What do you want to know, y/n? How broken I really am? You think you’re going to love that?”, he spat sarcastically.

You couldn’t answer, you didn’t dare to. Jackson took another sip of his drink, grimacing in pain.

“Shall we talk about my crippling depression, then? You want to know what that’s like? To lie awake every night wondering if this is the life I want, the one that I deserve? Shall we talk about the accompanying anxiety which is clouding my mind 24/7? Am I doing enough? Am I true to myself? Is this really who I am? Shall we talk about my sweaty hands and rapid heartbeat? Me wondering if I’m about to drop dead any minute? Is that it?”

He paused and observed you, not understanding the reason behind your tears.

“Or shall we talk about my health problems? Did you notice how badly I’m griding my teeth? Should I tell you that my jaw is tense as fuck and my teeth are overly sensitive? That drinking and eating anything but warm liquor is making me wince in pain? You think I’m this skinny because I’m on a diet? No, y/n, far from it. Should I tell you how frustrated I am because I have tried literally anything, and no one can help me? You wanna know what that’s like? To be helpless in your own body? To be betrayed by your own fucking body?”

Your eyes wandered to the glass in his hands, finally understanding why he was always drinking so much. Jackson started pacing through the room while bearing his darkest secrets.

“Or shall we talk about the people I’m seeing for help? Because I’ve seen them all, y/n. I searched through whole fucking Asia, and everybody is saying the same shit. It’s all in your head, Jackson. Do you know how fucked up that is? Neither antidepressants nor the shit for my teeth is helping me and you wanna know why? Because apparently, it’s in my head. My body is hurting because my soul is hurting. Isn’t that hilarious?”

Jackson spilled some of his liquor, trying to make a point.

“Or let’s not forget about my love life, y/n. You wanna know what that’s like? You wanna know how much energy it took to portray myself as normal? I wanted you to think of me as strong and healthy and full of life but now you’re breaking up with me because that was, what, fake? I did all of this so you would never realize how broken, fragile, and weak I am. But I guess that wasn’t the right way to go about it either.”

Another layer of sadness washed over his face, tinting his brown eyes in even deeper despair. Jackson took a seat on the couch and hid behind his hands again, wondering why he told you all of this if you were already over him.

He flinched in surprise as he felt your arms around him, hugging him tightly. For once he just gave in and hugged you back, crying silently in your embrace.

“Thank you for telling me, Jacky”, you whispered sweetly into his ear. “This is exactly what I wanted.”

He looked at you surprised, so you explained yourself.

“I fell in love with you because you were a real one. Standing in your truth and being true to who you are. That’s how I have always perceived you, anyways. But then when we started dating, and I never got to know that side of yours. You were too perfect, in a way. And I don’t want perfect. I want real, Jacky.”

His thumb brushed along your cheek, tracing down to your jaw.

“How could you possibly want that?”, his hoarse voice croaked.

You chuckled in response.

“I’m not perfect, Jackson. And I don’t want to be. Don’t you think I get depressed from time to time? We can cry together then. And yes, the thing with your teeth sucks. But I will love you even if you get new ones. And besides that, my teeth don’t hurt but my head does. Often, I get insufferable migraines and have to lie in a pitch-black room, I flinch at light like Dracula himself. Do you think I like that? No, but we all have something. You make it sound like you have to be perfect to be loved. But you don’t.”

The newfound spark in his eyes was noticeable, if only for a quick moment.

“I agree with the people you’ve been seeing, though. Your soul is hurting, Jackson. And that’s okay.”

You grabbed his hand and squeezed it lightly, looking at him hopeful.

“You don’t have to heal on your own though. I’d like to help… if you let me?”

[nemesis-writer]

[Unwanted Ransom(Chapter 6)]

Masterlist Oxytocin

TW- some shows of mental illness

10 years ago...

"Xerxes come on say something this is a safe place."

"Then why is there a camera?"

"It's there just in case you get-"

"I get what, crazy? Yeh, lady I know the drill"

"It says in your file that you have gone through multiple doctors in the past since your mother's death."

"And what makes you think you can fix me?"

"Because you are special, you have so much potential, and you put it all to waste."

"Who cares? My so called 'family', if I can recall they abandoned me, neglected me, and one of the little brats scarred me." Yep you obviously know who I'm talking about

"Xerxes, don't put the blame on others."

"You've been married for 15 years, three kids, one teen, one toddler, and one infant.

You're parents are divorced and no matter how many times you and your husband hate each other you wanna stay married in order to prevent the same trauma you had pass on to your kids.

Did I get it correct? Oh wait don't answer that I'm always correct." I sighed laying my head down.

"And you've become observant when it comes to hurting others, see I've studied your pattern of behaviour based on the reviews all your other doctors have represented to me before I took this case. And boy was it a long read.

Technically I'm entitled to tell you anything that could help you. And you thought that you could go through me?"

"I don't give a fuck what people say, who do I trust? No one, if a friend wants to jump on train tracks, don't expect me to hold their hand.

I don't give a damn what they insinuate about me anymore, I am an Amala never a Wayne, so I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to." And with that I abruptly stood up and grabbed my bag, I head out there.

The only reason I went there because, my 'dad' heard that I got into a fight and handcuffed the brat in the janitor's closet.

Just suck it up Xerxes, in a few years, you can finally escape them.

'Just suck it up' That's the advice I'd always tell myself no matter how much I cried, scream, or hurt myself.

Present...

"AHHHH, PETE, THERE IS A FUCKING BUILDING!!!!" I screamed as I held on tight to him.

"JENNY MOVE YOUR HAIR, OH SHIT!!!" he lost a bet so he had to swing me from Vincent's house to dad's. When we finally descended, I sighed and laid on the floor for a while.

"Y'know MJ would normally puke with this." He sighed.

"I'm built different" And I walked normally inside my house, I didn't feel any signs of...

fuck

oh wait

Oh shit

never-mind

I rushed to my bedroom's toilet and hurled a lot. Gosh, I should've listened to MJ. With that I washed my face, and brushed my mouth. I went down-stairs ignoring my surroundings.

I kinda had a crush on Pete for a while, but then I met Vincent and felt like Pete is a brother to me.

"AYOO, PETE LET'S GO WATCH SAW 2-" I immediately cut myself off when I saw, something I thought was a dream.

oh wait

it can't be

tell me I'm dreaming.

OH SHIT....

"Hey baby bird-" Richard stuttered, and tried to hug me.

"Back off Grayson, dad what the fuck is going on."

"Xerxes-"

"Who said I was talking to you limp-dick? Now dad seriously what the hell is going on here?" I looked at dad with puppy eyes, gosh I'm so adorable.

"Now, they just came here to drop your stuff." He explained.

"They are not my things they are Xerxes' things, I only things that I need are what I have now." I stated, as I looked at the cunt who ruined my life, I only sighed.

"Xerxes-"

"Zip it Timothy, or I'll tear you're tongue from your head." I stated, I've been watching the Originals again, and might I add, Nikklaus' has been looking good.

"Xerxes-" Jason tried to start. But I cut him off with a glare, he then corrected himself.

"Jennifer, we miss you and we apologise-"

"For what? Neglecting me? Abandoning me? LEAVING ME TO DIE?"

"We didn't mean to." They all protested.

"Bullshit!"

"Language!" Dad sighed.

"When is my birthday?"

"January 7?"

"No, it's September 8, what the hell is wrong with you people?" I was eager to run and ditch these people and run up to my room.

"Xerxes, you're my sister come on." He tried to grab me, but I dodged it and grabbed his hand spinning him downwards. Thanks Nat.

"Touch me one more time, and your arm won't be the only thing that will hurt."

I immediately rushed upstairs and ran to my room, locking it, which activates voice-recognition. Gosh, I was so angry with them. I started to get really angry and accidentally punched a hole in my wall that was connected to Morgan's room.

"JENNY!!!" Oh fuck.

"SORRY M! I'll fix it later." And with that I just dropped onto the bed. I grabbed my phone and texted Vincent.

Jinx- Hey V

V- Hey Jen, how r u?

Jinx- My previous fucked-up family is back now

V- damn, wanna hang tommorow? 🙂

Jinx- Sure, but I gotta lotta hw tho 😢

V- call me if you can then 🤙🏻

And with that I decided to lay down and wonder how fucked up my life could get. I started to fall asleep so I decided to shut down all of my devices, in order to avoid the annoying sound of the 'Brady Bunch' trying to text me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N- It could've been longer if my dumbass didn't accidentally delete my first draft, could've been so much better.

Taglist

@lunayaps, @not-aya, @iluvcatzz, @vanessa-boo, @ivyrose9194

[arafilez]

੭୧ ⼂ LIES YOU BUILT ﹗

ー☆ㅤㅤ [ kwh x reader ] ㅤ੭𓂃 ㅤangst, no comfort, bsf to strangers ㅤ warnings crying, woonhak is a little toxic ㅤ﹢ㅤ1k wc

Kim Woonhak,

It’s stupid how you still have a mark in my life, the smallest importance with the biggest meaning. Your footprints over my soul never washed away, instead, they stay, stubborn and scratched, like rock carvings. To put it simply I hate you. That is pretty straightforward, isn’t it? I am like that, I have always been like that. Oh, wait you know that already. You used to find me simple, you loved that. Said we completed each other. Now, I cry in my bed thinking about all the lies you fed me about being best friends forever.

Oh, the lies you mastered so well!

I regret every one of those days I had called you up just so I could update you on my life. Every single secret, every laugh, and every tear I had told you of and every bit of our shared stories. I used to be interesting to you, so when did I become so boring that you had to find newer, more popular and cooler friends? What happened to our late-night chats, the ones till three where we both had to hide from our parents with excuses? Where are the stories now? Did you forget them as easily as you threw away our friendship? Did you tell your new friends my stories just so you could get a good laugh out of them? A good laugh out of the class’s lame bitch’s stories- yeah I believe you can do that. If anyone told me a year ago that Kim Woonhak is doing this I would have laughed at their faces. Now, I am the one who scoffs and tells those to the few classmates who feel sympathy for me.

Pathetic! I am pathetic!

There is still no note, no explanation, not a single sentence you said about this while I hold on to the thread loosely binding the last pieces of our friendship. Every time I asked you what was wrong you had one word, “Nothing.” Where was I wrong? I think I was wrong to put my trust in you. Tell me why you left our friendship as if it was not even worth the dirt under your shoe? Tell me why am I still hung up on our last conversation even if it was just you taking advantage of me and wanting my notes? Tell me, did I become lame after you found friends who are more popular than me? Tell me, was I lame the way I behaved? Or was it the way I became loud when I got excited or the way I laughed? Did that make you leave and go to your new friends who have the “cool” aura? How could you take everything I love and crush it so easily? Are your fingers that strong Woonhak?

What happened to our years of friendship Woonhak? Why does this hurt more than any break-up ever did? Why does every time now a simple, sub-important friendship breaks or an argument happens with my friends do I hurriedly apologise multiple times even if I was not in the wrong? Why does it always me feel maybe I am the rotten apple among my friends? Why does your face drop in my mind every time I think I am not enough? Why I am still hung up on you when I have so many newer friends who actually appreciate me? Why do I still picture myself in the mirror arguing with you and putting you in your place with my words and my confidence? Confidence I have only when I am alone? Why do I fantasize about a time you even feel a little fucking sorry for doing all this?

I have so many questions for you, questions I never got to ask and questions that formed later. What did I do for you to break this friendship? Where was I wrong? Why did you start ignoring me that Tuesday when we talked on Monday? Why did you make sure your whole new friend circle hate me? Why did you make fun of me with them? How could you do that? Did our friendship mean nothing to you? Was it that worthless? Was I wasting that much of your time?

Do you think I am being dramatic? Then explain this!

I have so many friends, but every time a minor crack appears, my insecurities build up. Insecurities that weren’t there till you crafted them. Insecurities that weren’t there till you made fun of me in front of me only. Insecurities that weren’t there before you decided to blatantly ignore me one day after our years of friendship. Insecurities that weren’t there until you decided the term best friend is not for me anymore. I would say we both drew blood, and we both got hurt, but were those cuts ever equal?

This is all very straightforward, isn’t it? That’s the second time I am asking you that. Because damn hell, it is. It is my rawest and truest emotions and I don’t want to twist my words to let you know this, which you never will. The worst part of the whole thing is that you will never read this, I will never send this and this will not get you a scratch but it is jabbing my heart multiple times. Twisting the knife you crafted especially for me and pushing it in repeatedly. Why would you do this all to me? Can we talk? Is there something there you never told me and let it build inside you? Or am I just simply horrible? I wish I could let it go, I have tried so many times but I can’t. I wish I could forgive you but what should I forgive you and your cocky, small-minded friends for? Nothing! It is terrible how you come into my mind whenever the smallest incident occurs and I think of telling you, and then it hits me again.

You are still everything to me while I am nothing to you!

From Y/n

ー☆ㅤㅤ [ ara's notes ] ㅤ੭𓂃 ㅤ is this self-indulgent? yes, a lot! i will be back with bonedo fluff tho TT ㅤ𓏧ㅤ library ㅤ bnd shelfㅤ navi

੭ 𝅄ㅤ ꒰ TAGLIST ꒱ ㅤ⏤ㅤ @haneagerr @slytherinshua ㅤ𓏧ㅤ fill this or comment or ask to be added.

ㅤㅤ(ㅤㅤ© arafilez on tumblrㅤㅤ)

[cultkinkcoven]

I worship Inanna, Lucifer, and Aphrodite as the most powerful and greatest Gods, yes even beyond Ra and El and Ashirat and everything. I know that’s a bold fucking claim but I’ll explain why.

As glorious and incredibly divine and powerful as Gods like Ra and Ashirat and the primordial creators are, and as much as I respect, love and honour them immensely, my personal connections to the Gods come from my perspective as a human being. To us, the most powerful and influential force in the entire universe is Love. It is why Cupid’s arrows will always be more powerful than Apollon’s. Love is the primary motivation behind anything a human has ever done, created, or nurtured, beyond the basic instinct to survive. As soon as you transition from a state of being a human to a person, you become a slave to the Goddess of love.

Even if you’ve never experienced carnal love, romance, even if you never had a family to love familially, if you’ve never had a friend or a pet, you’ve still fallen in love in secret ways a million times. When I wake up in the morning and decide to wear something, it’s because I love myself. Or at least, I love some idea of what I am beyond what is essential to my survival. I add a little bit of icing sugar to my pancakes because I love the way it tastes when I do that. I draw a picture of a flower, because for some reason I loved it enough to study its petals. I wanted to remember it as it looked in that exact moment. I took a picture of a worm I saw on the sidewalk. I didn’t know it at the time, but I loved it too. I have music preferences, a favourite color, a favourite pair of pants, and they are all mine because I fell in love at one point or another.

I had a stuffed bear when I was a kid, and I loved her for some reason. I gave her a name, I even gave her a gender, and I called her my friend. But one day I had to take a bath and I decided to bring her into the bath with me because I didn’t want to stop playing with her. She got water logged and I think my mom threw her away, and I mourned her. Love is like a sin to the ones that feel it the most.

Every lasting grudge in human history was formed out of love. Because nobody believes that everyone loves everyone else as much as they do. I feel like I love my partner more than anyone has ever loved in the history of the universe. And yet I know that everyone loves something or someone as much as I love him. If someone hurt him, I would never stop hating them. If someone killed him, I would kill them, and the person who loved them would want to kill me. That is why the Goddess of Love is the Goddess of War. The height of my love is the depth of my hatred.

Because humans are social creatures and we love each other in order to love ourselves. Because love gifts us with the highest bliss and the deepest mourning. Because I would shrivel and waste away if my lover wasn’t with me. Just with me, beside me. That’s all I need.

Everything that has ever lasted maintained itself because someone loved it enough to create it. The pyramids, ancient temples of worship to Gods that were loved, adored. Markings on the bark of a tree that promise that two people were there, and loved each other. Every trinket at the thrift store, from the dog wearing a dress to the ceramic angel, that mug with that old man’s face on it, were made by a human that loved something enough to make art in its image. Whoever felt so strongly about a girl that their words turned into lyrics and their yearning turned into symphonies.

Humans are slaves to the power of love. When the end of the world comes and everything is done, we will embrace each-other dearly as if we were all that ever mattered, and we’d be content with that.

I champion the heralds of love because I am forever in dept to them. How incredibly lucky I am to have been born as a creature that can experience her bliss. How foolish and drunk I am on her infinite pleasures. How cruel it is of her to erect the most wonderful place in the universe between the arms of my lover, knowing that one day those arms will return to dirt, and hopefully, hopefully, I will still be in them.

Lucifer is the harbinger of Venus, and i love that so much. He ushers in her presence and does so with the fire of rebellion on his wings. What does it mean to love oneself more than any rule or doctrine? Or to love knowledge and self discovery? No wonder the angel of the rebellion is the harbringer of the Goddess of Love and War. The one who screams “Love is here! Love is here! She is more powerful than any system, any rule, any law, she is stronger than the mightiest warrior. She is loud! She is quiet! She always saves the day. I am proof of that.”

Lucifer tells us that even if we are not lucky enough to love and be loved by others, if we can love ourselves, we will always be free.

That is why I say that Venus is the greatest God. That is why I chose Lucifer to be my patron and why I express my loyalty to them above all others. Without her I could not have loved all those other Gods I adore. Without her they would be nothing to me, because I would be nothing to me.

You are the greatest God, Inanna. I will forever be your loyal devotee.

[lucien0501]

LETTERS (Wolfstar Oneshot)

Summary: Letters from Sirius Black to Remus Lupin from Azkaban. He isn’t allowed to send the letters so they’re only one sided, which definitely makes it sad. There are a few mentions of fun past Marauders moments/pranks!:) Harry Potter Marauders Fandom

Note: I do not support the views of the author (I am a trans person so....no🤬) but I love these very gay characters so much that I had to write about them!

Word Count: 1k

Warnings: Hints of mental instability, losing memories because of dementors, definite angst, mentions of Lily and James’ death, brief mentions of sex, swearing, Sirius’ hate for Peter Pettigrew, death threats towards Peter Pettigrew, and overall kind tragic because Sirius is stuck in Azkaban.  Let me know if I missed any!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Moons

I'm not sure why I'm writing to you--we're not allowed to send or receive post from Azkaban, but you know that already. You always seem to know everything, you're smart as hell.

I'm not going to waste parchment explaining everything, I already spend too much time rehearsing what I'm going to say. Lily and James, Remus. I still can't make myself believe it, I'm not sure I want to.

I want to ask you not to forget about me, not to believe I'm a traitor. No, that's a lie. I want to ask you to wait for me. I'll come back to you one day, I promise. It’s selfish of me, to hope you won't move on. But I've always been a selfish bastard, you know that too.

I can't remember your eyes, Remus. Or your laugh. I try, every day to conjure you up from my memories, but the Dementors are slowly sucking you from my mind, one day at a time. I'm terrified of losing you--our years at Hogwarts, for good. I'm scared that one day I won't remember what you taste like, your oversized jumpers, the sounds you make when you come. I love you, Remus, and the Dementors prey on love, it's a feast to them.

But they can't take away my hate, my need for revenge. I fucking hate him, I hate him I hate himIhatehimIhate--

Pads

*

Moony

Do you remember the time we shagged on the big couch in the common room and James found out? He was so disgusted he didn't sit there till Christmas.

Do you remember the time that we all got drunk and played Seven Minutes In Heaven and I charmed the spinner so I'd get you? That was our first kiss. I remember.

Then there was that time that we slipped Snivellus a potion that turned his hair pink for a week. We thought it was the most brilliant thing we'd ever done. Did he retaliate? I'm not sure anymore.

Remember when we snuck out to Hogsmeade through the secret passage and almost ran into Professor McGonagall? Did we get caught? I don't remember.

I'm trying to remember. I have to remember

Padfoot

*

Rem

Half my bloody family is in here, you know. It makes for a wonderful reunion, lots of cursing and threats of murder-- just like old times! 

I wonder if my parents are proud of me now, after what they think I did. After what everyone thinks I did.

I'm sorry. I'm so damned sorry for all of it, for the way I must have hurt you. I wish I could actually send these letters and wish I could talk to you again. Just for a few minutes.

There are so many things I should have done differently. So many things.

Sirius

*

Remus

I wonder where you are, now? What you're doing? 

It's been five years now, for all I know you could be dead or married or finally realized you're better off without me. I wouldn't blame you for the last one. 

That thought haunts me every day, that I'll get out of here and I'll find you and you'll say that you've moved on and none of it matters now.

Cause I will find you. I'm getting out of here, one day.

Sirius

*

This will be my last letter, I'm almost out of parchment and there's no way in hell they'll bring me more. Maybe I'll write on the walls to keep myself from going mad. 

I'm so sorry for everything that I did. For everything that I failed to do. I never told you enough how much I loved you and now it's too late.

I'm going to get out of here, I promise. I have to. 

I'm going to kill him, fucking rip him apart with my bare hands, damn my wand. 

And then I'm going to find you. And everything is going to be alright because then I'll be in your arms. 

[tkaulitzlvr]

HEYYY sorry if this is kinda long but ur my fav writer so i trust u w writing this 🤞

Could you write smth where tom used to be a player but he started dating the reader and seemed really loyal, but they go to a party together, their first party as a couple and when the reader leaves to go buy drinks she comes back to find tom sitting down with a bunch of girls, it looks like he’s flirting with them. sooo the reader gets really upset and walks all the way home thinking he’s cheating already even after only dating for like a month. tom follows her home, trying to explain himself and he eventually explains that he wasn’t cheating, he was trying to get away from all the girls politely, but was kinda trapped. the reader forgives him and it ends in smut or fluff or whatever u want.

SORRY ITS SO SPECIFIC LMAOOO

WHAT IT SEEMS - T. KAULITZ

synopsis: tom has finally managed to settle down with you, discarding his womanising ways. but, you see something that makes you think otherwise, tom desperate to explain himself to you, certain that you have got the wrong idea.

content: angst + fluff

a/n: love this idea, thank u so much for the request i hope u enjoy !! this is lowk ass tho i’m so sorry😭😭

“we really don’t have to go schatz, i know you don’t like these sorts of places.” tom repeats, standing in the frame of the bathroom door as i apply my make-up in the mirror. “we can stay here instead, i’ll get some snacks from the store, just me and you?”

he tries to reason with me, knowing that i’ve never been a party person. i hated large groups of people, not understanding the buzz that people got from drinking unsafe amounts of alcohol and fucking some random, the idea literally my worst nightmare. i preferred to stay inside and watch a movie, or bake something, finding comfort in familiarity, never described as an extroverted person.

tom however, was the complete opposite. he was a party animal, ending up at a different club every night, with a different girl between the sheets after he left. that is why our relationship was so unexpected, but it seems that tom had changed. he settled down, spending less and less time out at a random bar, instead spending his nights with me, soon realising that the party scene wasn’t something i enjoyed. at first, i was hesitant to believe that he had changed his ways completely, but, a month into our relationship, he has given me no reason to not trust him, this the reason why i am deciding to finally give in and go to just one party, tom having missed out for so long. but he is clearly confused by my change of heart, trying to remind me that he is more than okay with not going, growing to enjoy quiet nights at home.

“tom i’m fine. you haven’t been to a party in forever.” i start, blinking rhythmically as i apply my mascara, before moving backwards away from the mirror and turning to face him. “besides, i can’t stay locked up here forever. i have to live a little.”

he tilts his head, still uncertain despite my clear lack of hesitation. his lips purse together as he walks towards me, resting his hands on my hips. i can tell that he is questioning it, part of him missing the parties that he used to go to. but the new and sensible part of him, the part that is more prominent now, silently reminds himself of how much he has grown to love spending time with me and only me, coming to the conclusion that parties were never as fun as he had sometimes made them out to be, much preferring my company to getting shitfaced in some random club.

“there’s other ways to have fun besides getting wasted all the time. i like that about you. you don’t have to be drunk to have fun.” he says, kissing my forehead softly.

“i want to go.” i state, looking upwards at him, my eyes wide as i attempt to convince him to calm down a little.

“are you sure baby? i don’t want to force you into doing anything you’re uncomfortable with. you know i’d hate myself if you got there and didn’t like it. i’d much rather we-”

i cut him off by pressing my lips against his, sealing his over dramatic rambling with a short kiss. “i’ll be fine, okay?” i reassure him, my forehead against his.

he lets out a small smile, sighing heaving before speaking. “fine, get ready. but if you don’t like it, we’re leaving straight away. deal?”

i roll my eyes at his protectiveness, my heart melting at how much he cares. though it is a little frustrating, i can’t be mad at him, nodding my head slowly as a chuckle leaves my lips, my body turning back towards the mirror as i finish applying my make-up, my small crop top and tight skirt already on. tom walks behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist, letting his hands rest on my stomach, before resting his head in my neck, planting gentle kisses there as i finish the rest of my makeup, small giggles leaving my mouth when his lips touch a sensitive spot on my neck, or his hands gently squeeze my stomach and his fingers slightly tickle the skin. he smiles behind me, his eyes calm and half-lidded, dreads resting over his shoulders and draping onto mine as he slowly rocks us side to side, continuing to kiss my neck from behind until i am finally finished.

the walk to the club is short, tom’s hand staying clasped in mine as we wander through the darkened streets, few people and the occasional car driving by us. i prefer peaceful nights like this, time to admire the city, rather than being face first in the crowds that daytime brought along with them. tom is speaking about something random, a lazy smile tugging on my lips as i look upwards, not particularly focusing on what he is saying, instead admiring his features - eyes fixed on the way his brown eyes shine, occasional smile gracing his face as he speaks, tongue grazing against his lip piercing. i take in this rare moment, though to some it is simple, to me it is something to be treasured, happy to listen to whatever tom is saying, finding it adorable how he gets so into a conversation when it is about something he cares for.

my cold breath leaves my lips as i exhale, reminding me how bitter the weather is, despite the warmth that the jacket tom had insisted on letting me wear brings me. occasional laughter emits from our mouths, sharing pointless conversation, enjoying the simplicity of each other’s company, our content exchange soon cut off by the sound of overly-loud music, signalling that we have arrived.

the queue to get in is longer than i had expected, tom not phased by this as the bouncer seems to recognise him, flashing him a quick smile and letting the both of us in. it is completely packed, drunken bodies encircling my vision, this enough for me to become easily overwhelmed. tom realises this, bending downwards so that his voice can be heard over the loud music.

“you okay? we can leave if you don’t like it.” he squeezes my hand as he speaks, bringing me into his embrace, his hands now running up and down my arms.

i shake my head, not wanting to leave before i had even given the place a chance. i let out a small ‘i’m fine’ in response, tom nodding his head and leading me through the crowd, looking downwards at me every few seconds, his hand never leaving mine until we emerge, arriving at a smaller section cut off from the rest of the club, being what i assume as the VIP section. the staff there recognise tom like the bouncer had, letting him in as we find a couch and table unoccupied.

he flops onto it, spreading his legs and wrapping his arm around my shoulder as i sit beside him, his other resting on the back of the couch. he scans the area, his lips pursed, head lazily nodding to the beat of the music, fingers tapping against my shoulder.

“you okay?” he shouts over the music, looking over at me and planting a small kiss on my forehead, pulling me closer into his side.

i nod my head, pointing a finger over to the bar. “i think i’m gonna go get a drink. you want one?”

he seems hesitant to let me go, his face falling a little, seemingly surprised at my willingness to walk around alone. the place somehow seems to feel busier, the bar totally packed, scattered with glasses, some empty, some practically full. but i figure that if i want to put myself out there more, i can’t rely on tom to be by my side, wanting to do this small thing alone.

“you sure baby? i can come with you?” he asks, looking upwards and seeing how crowded it has become.

“i’ll be fine. you can see the bar from here anyways, it’s not like anything can happen.” i say, pointing out the direct view our table has to the bar. though it is a little far away, past the small crowd of people forming there, it is in our eye line, tom able to maintain a perfect view of me.

“okay, but i’m watching the whole time. if anything happens i’ll be right over.” he gives in, though i can tell by his tone he is still reluctant. despite this, i stand up, pulling my skirt down a little bit. “and get me a beer please schatz.”

his hand plants a small squeeze on my ass, my body whipping around to scold him, yet my eyes are met with that same infamous smirk, his tongue swiping across his bottom lip as i shake my head, a low chuckle escaping my lips. i walk over to the bar, reaching it successfully after pushing through a few wasted bodies. i turn around, squinting my eyes to try and spot tom, seeing that he is still alone, his own eyes searching to meet mine. he spots me, sending me a small smile and wave, his face visibly calming down once i am within his sight.

i turn back around towards the bar, resting my frame against the hard wood. a tall man comes towards me from the other side, nodding for me to order.

“a beer and a piña colada, thanks.” i say, pulling out a twenty dollar bill from my purse and pressing it flat against the table.

he nods, taking the money and starting to prepare the drinks. i awkwardly tap my fingers against the wood as i wait, the music seeming to get louder, leaving me with a pounding headache. my body is warm, unsure of whether it is the proximity of sweaty figures dancing around me, or the sweltering air, everything in the room feeling ten times closer than it would outside.

he places the drinks against the table, shooting me a small smile as i take them, returning the gesture and turning around. my eyes catch a small glimpse of tom from where i am stood, quickly doing a double take as i realise that he is not alone. from a distance, i can spot at least four girls, two at either side of him. he appears pretty content, a large grin from ear to ear as he engages in conversation, the girls way too close for my liking. they are practically up against him, wearing next to nothing, their bodies covered with dresses so skimpy i wouldn’t have bothered wearing anything at all.

he seems completely comfortable, the only difference in how he was sat before being that his hands had moved from either side of the couch, now resting in his lap. i can see him shake his head, that flirty smile never faltering. however i reach my breaking point when one girl leans closer, about to place her hand on his thigh. that’s when i lose it.

i storm towards the table, tom’s attention quickly turning to me as the eyes of the girls sat beside him all turn to me too, curious to see what has been able to divert his attention so easily. his face softens as he seems somewhat glad to see me, this only angering me more. one second, he is entertaining girls because i leave for a minute, then his eyes light up as i return, as if he hadn’t looked at them with that same grin i have seen way too many times before - all before we started dating. my jaw is clenched, eyes cold and harsh as i slam the drinks down onto the table, part of the liquid splashing out of the tall glass from the force.

“there’s your fucking drink, asshole.” i scoff, shaking my head and turning around, starting to find my way through the large crowd in the centre.

i can hear his voice behind me, constantly calling my name as he forces his way through the crowd, only a few steps behind me. i ignore his pleas, feeling like a complete idiot for believing that he had changed.

“get out of my fucking way!” i shout over the music, pushing the last few people out of my way, my eyes finally meeting the exit, leaving it quickly, tom still following me as he continues to be persistent, my name pouring from his lips every few seconds.

the night is even colder than it was when we had arrived, my entire body shivering once i emerge onto the empty street, the distorted blur of music no longer helping to drown out the sound of tom’s voice as it seems to get closer and closer. i continue to shrug him off, speeding up as my heels click across the pavement. my hands run up and down my arms in an attempt to warm myself up, now without the comfort of tom’s jacket to keep my temperature high, my small and tight outfit providing no warmth at all.

however, my fast steps are no longer enough to keep myself distanced from tom as i feel his hand on my shoulder, the strength of its hold causing me to stop in my tracks.

“jesus christ, baby, what the fuck?” he asks, out of breath, his chest heaving up and down as i face him, his eyes heavy and filled with confusion once he processes the hurt etched upon my face.

“don’t fucking touch me!” i scoff, roughly detaching my shoulder from his head, my eyes becoming glassy, both from the harshness of the wind and the reality that tom hadn’t ever changed his ways as i had thought. “just fuck off, you’ve done enough. and i actually thought you were different, how fucking naive can i be?”

i turn around, starting to walk away again. yet he speeds up, jogging and moving to stand in front of me, completely trapping me.

“baby, please it’s not what it looks like.” he pleads, his own expression now filled with desperation as he begs for me to hear him out, my mind set on what it had seen - no explanation able to change that.

“really? so i didn’t see those girls all over you?” i challenge, shaking my head as a sarcastic chuckle leaves my lips, in disbelief of how stupid he is making me out to be.

“you’re blowing this way out of proportion! you’ve got the complete wrong idea schatz.” he says, his own voice raising a little as he becomes frustrated.

“do you know how unbelievable you are? i should’ve known, i was never good enough to make you want to settle down.” the tears cascade down my cheeks, my teeth sinking into my lips as i quickly move around him, walking away once again.

but, he doesn’t accept my desire to leave, taking my hand and pulling me backwards, his eyes glossy with tears, his sudden display of emotion taking me by surprise.

“liebe, please can you just listen to me for a second?” he sighs, his voice wavering as he speaks. i stay silent, the tears pouring down my face, yet he takes my lack of response as a sign to continue. “they came over to me. i told them straight away that i wasn’t interested.”

i furrow my eyebrows, a mixture of guilt and disbelief taking over. one part of me feels terrible for not letting him explain, this whole thing my fault if he is telling the truth. but, the more infuriated side of me doesn’t believe him for a second, refusing to even consider that he brushed them off, tom never being the type to refuse a girl’s company. and it is this anger within me that acts out, cutting his explanation short.

“fucking bullshit. do you think i’m an idiot-”

he cuts me off, continuing to explain. despite my cold tone, he remains calm, taking my hands in his own, his eyes softly looking into mine as he speaks.

“i told them my girlfriend is here, and i’m not interested. they wouldn’t give in. i didn’t want to be rude, you know i’m not like that. but i didn’t let them do anything. didn’t you see how i was sitting? i’ve never had my arms closer to me in my life!”

he lets out a small laugh, trying to lighten the mood a little. but once he sees that i am in no mood to joke around, he shakes his head, straightening his expression before continuing.

“i was literally about to get up to come and find you, but then you came over. i get that it might’ve looked weird from far away, but i promise you.” he trails off, taking one step closer to me, reluctantly reaching upwards to gently graze his thumb across my cheek, applying a little more pressure once i accept his touch. “i promise you that i shut it down straight away. i want you and only you.”

both of his hands cup my face, his thumbs running comfortingly over the soft skin, his eyes scanning mine as he awaits my response, my mind working at a million miles per minute as i try to find the right words. though i am still angry, now more at the girls than him, it is impossible to ignore the sincerity of his words, guilt rising within my stomach as i feel nothing but regret for not trusting him.

“i’m sorry.” i mutter, removing my eyes from his own as i stare at the ground, salty tears rolling down my face more than they had before.

“hey, hey…” he trails off, lifting my chin with his pointer finger, his face falling once he sees my state. he plants a soft kiss to my lips whilst his fingers wipe away the tears resting on my cheeks. i kiss back, his lips soft and warm, enough to calm me down instantly.

he pulls back, resting his arms on my lower waist as his forehead sits against mine.

“you can always trust me. i’d never, ever, cheat on you. i’m sorry for how i used to be, and if i could change it, i promise you that i would, in a heartbeat. i want to be better, for you. you mean more to me than anyone else in this world, and i want to show it. you just have to let me try. okay?”

his lips stay parted as his slightly ragged breathing fans against my face, his warmth contrasting with the harshness of the climate around us.

“okay.” i say, nodding my head. he brings his lips to mine, smiling into the kiss as i gladly reciprocate, feeling his hands bring me closer into him.

“come on, let’s get you home.” he says, pulling away and holding his hand out for me to take. i smile warmly, intertwining my fingers with his as he pulls me closer, kissing my forehead gently. we begin the short walk home, tom stopping after a few seconds. he pulls his jacket off, tugging it along his frame. he takes a sleeve, gently threading my arm through it, repeating his motion with my other arm, until the material completely submerges me, my body warming up almost instantly.

he smiles downwards at me, kissing my cheek quickly, noticing the way a loud yawn escapes my lips after he does so. he bends down, placing one arm behind my neck, the other scooping me upwards by my legs as he carries me bridal style, a surprised gasp leaving my mouth at his actions, however it soon turns into a loud giggle once he begins planting large kisses across my face. he is grinning from ear to ear, his heart warming at the happiness plastered on my face, his hold on me tightening as he places one last kiss to my nose.

his arms remain securely around me as he walks slowly, the rocking motion of his steps causing my eyes to feel heavy, my eyelids beginning to fall shut, on the verge of falling asleep. my breathing slows, close to slipping into unconsciousness, however tom’s low voice prevents me from doing so. he clearly thinks that i have fallen asleep, yet i hear the phrase pour from his lips as clear as day.

“i love you.”

requests are open! keep sending them in, there’s a lot in my inbox atm but i’ll get to it as soon as i can!!

[cumsuga]

Wasted Times Pt 4

yoongi x fem!reader jungkook x fem!reader

genre. SMUT, fluff, angst, Romance, established relationship!AU 18+ (Minors DNI)

Who knew trying to stay sober would be so hard? The guilt. Everyone talks about how much guilt you experience when you cheat, and it’s always the guilt for cheating and regretting it. But what no one ever talks about is the guilt that comes from cheating and enjoying it. 

warnings: mentions of alcoholism, violence (someone gets smacked *cough* Yoongi *cough*), Handjob, infidelity, plot twists on plot twists, Yoongi is not a good person ILTHHBIHTLH, Jungkook is the bestest boy as always, SUB!YOONGI but only for reader no one else

word count: 4k

A/N: I honestly feel like you can tell this was kinda rushed, but I felt bad for leaving you all hanging for an entire year. Please forgive me, I'll give you kisses! Anyway, GIVE ME FEEDBACK, but be nice cause I'm sensitive...

 You spend the whole day trying to justify what you just did and with your boss. You'd be lying if you said you didn't enjoy it. In fact, it made you feel how you felt when you drank. All warm and fuzzy inside. It was nice to have the feeling back, but you didn't know if it was what was best for you. You felt like Yoongi would be another thing you couldn't let go of. You knew you were fucked, and you hated it.

You watch Yoongi act like nothing happened, like he didn’t just fuck you in the back of a black car. He works like you’re more annoying to him now, being a bit more demanding. When you finally have a chance, you tell him you need to talk to him. He tells you in a minute and to wait for him in the green room before shooing you away. You don't think you've ever wanted to punch someone in the face so bad, but that was until you met him.

So, like he asks, that’s just what you do. After an eternity of pacing back and forth,  trying to rationalize cheating to yourself, he enters the room. “You needed to talk. I’m listening,” he says, grabbing you by the hand and leading you to the couch. He doesn’t let you sit, choosing to have you stand between his legs. “Talk to me, angel.”

“First of all, whatever you’re trying to do here, stop it.” you swat his hands off your thighs and take a couple steps back, “Second, what happened in the car can never and will never happen again. It was a mistake. After this discussion, we will never talk about it again.  Am I making myself clear?”

He smirks at you. “Oh angel, you dim little thing,” he stands and walks over to you, “I can stop whenever I want, but as they say, ‘everything beautiful is ruined eventually.’” he tucks a loose strand behind your ear. “And that, my dear, is you.”

And with that, he walks out of the room. You’re left there confused because what the fuck does that mean? Did he just call you ugly and stupid? Did he say he’s going to ruin your life? The conversation left you with more questions than answers. So, like the hardheaded person you were, you follow after him. At this point, you didn’t care about your job; you cared about this getting back to Jungkook and destroying him. When you catch up to Yoongi, you whisper to him, “Unless you want me to make a scene and embarrass you, I suggest you get back in that FUCKING room.” Putting extra emphasis on the word fucking so that he knew you were serious. All eyes were on you two because, despite whispering, it sounded angry, so he obliges you and walks back. If it was one thing he hated, it was people staring at him like he was an object on display.

“1. You will leave this room when and if we come to a mutual understanding. 2. If we do not come to a mutual understanding, I will catch the next flight out of here, and you will never see me again. And you can explain to our company why I ruined such a huge event, and so help me god, if he ever finds out about this–” he cuts you off laughing

“PFFT! You’re cute when you’re angry.” he finally catches your eyes and sees that you’re not fucking around. You’re dead serious, and in his 30 years of life, he’s never been afraid of a woman like he is of you.

“Sit. Down,” you say through clenched teeth, nostrils flaring. And like he’s going to win an award for being so obedient he sits his ass right on that couch. “I’m not fucking playing with you, Yoongi. This isn’t a joke; this is my life. You can go on after this carefree because that's who you are. Rockstar Min Yoongi can do whatever he wants whenever he wants. But me, me, I have real consequences, I. Will. Lose. Every. Thing! I need you to get that through your thick fucking skull! THIS ISNT A FUCKING GAME!”

Tears are streaming down your face, but he looks annoyed now. That same stupid fucking face on his face. But you don’t know that Yoongi is in defense mode and will bite like most cornered animals. “Don’t ever talk to me like that. News flash, baby girl, I didn’t force you to do anything you didn’t want to do, so don’t try and get up on some fucking moral high ground because you have some boyfriend who, by the way, you treat like shit. You wanted to fuck me. I simply gave you what you’ve been dying for. You know, once an addict, always an addict, not my fault you traded in drinking yourself into a coma for dick.” And before you can even process what your body is doing, you slapped him. It wasn’t some bullshit “for tv” slap. No, it was loud. It had his ears ringing and your palm stinging.

“Don’t you EVER try and act like you fucking know me and throw something you know nothing about in my fucking face. You know what? FUCK you, I’m leaving. Good luck with your miserable life.” And with that, you collect your things and flee back to the hotel. Yoongi is left standing there in shock and awe.

When you finally return to the hotel, a million people set up a million things in the room. You put on a brave face while you bob and weave through what seems like an ocean of people. When you finally enter the private bedroom and hear the door close behind you, you let it all loose. Sobbing into the pillows. How dare he, you think, throw something so serious in your face. But fuck it, at this point, if everyone thinks you’re an alcoholic, let’s show them one. You open the mini bar and fish one of the bottles, and before you can crack the seal on the mini vodka, your phone rings. So you answer it, “Yoongi, I don't wanna-”

“Yoongi? Uh, no, it’s your boyfriend? Baby, are you crying?” as soon as you hear Jungkook's voice, you cry even harder. “Y/N? Baby, hey, hey, calm down. Talk to me, is everything okay? Did something happen?”

LIE! You tell yourself. Lie right now and save your relationship. “Yes, I’m sorry. I was just watching a sad movie, and it made me miss you, and then you called. It was like fate or something.” You sniffle into the phone. 

“Oh, my baby. You’re so cute, I miss you too! Just 5 more days, and you get to come home to me.” He coos, and you instantly feel more at peace. Not taking that drink was worth it, and god, did you want that drink.

“Actually, I was thinking about coming home early, like tomorrow, maybe?” You say, still sniffling

He lets out a soft chuckle, “Baby, as much as I want you here, I think your boss would be pretty pissed if you just up and left. Stick it out like the fighter I know you are. You got this. I believe in you. By the time you come home, it’ll be a week before our anniversary, and I’ll take you wherever you wanna go. I already talked to Jimin and Yoongi, and we're taking 2 weeks. Just me and you. Sound good?”

“Yes, that sounds wonderful.” You sigh

“Good, now tell me, how’s Paris?”

You guys talked for an hour before saying I love you and goodbyes. When you get off the phone, there is a light knock on the door. “Ms. Y/N, we're ready for you at hair and make-up.” You tell them to give you a moment, and they say okay and leave. So, in that moment, you take all the little bottles of alcohol and pour them down the drain. You’re not going to leave Paris defeated. Especially not after everything you’ve been through. So you get glammed up and put your dress on. By the time you’re done, Yoongi is returning to the hotel.

While getting your hair and makeup done, you decide that you’re going to play Yoongi’s games, but they’re gonna be your rules. When he’s done getting ready, you pull him to the side and apologize for hitting him. “I understand if you want to part ways after this. I will exit quietly–”

He shushes you, “Oh Angel, though it pains me to say it because I never thought I would, I think I’m in love with you. So, with that being said, I forgive. I forgave you the minute it happened because I know you didn’t mean it.” He cups your cheek, and you lean into his palm.  “You’re gonna stay here with me until I give you back to Jungkook. Deal?”

“Deal,” you say, nodding. He pecks you gently, and for a split second, you lose your resolve, but it’s quickly regained when he pulls away. “ I have something for you, Angel.” He says, handing you a small Valentino box. “You can tell Jungkook you got them as a gift from the designer.”

You open the box and see the nicest pair of earrings you've ever seen. They’re fully wrapped in baguette crystals. “Yoongi, I’m sorry, I can’t accept these. These look way too expensive.” You’re both in awe and annoyed. Why does he think he can buy your love? Could he buy your love? No! The only person that has your love is Jungkook, ONLY him. You only love him… right?

“Are you sure? I know they’d look beautiful on you.” he takes them out of the box and puts them on for you. “I know you’re wearing Versace, but people mix brands all the time, and I’m right. Absolutely stunning.” He pecks your nose and walks away to pour some champagne. 

You watch him, realizing he never even apologized for not only calling you an alcoholic but a slut too, and a fire starts inside you. You’re determined to ruin Yoongi, make him miss the mere sight of you. “You know I can’t drink that, right? I traded alcohol in for dick, remember?” you say, giggling, but your throat is dry like you’re dying for that champagne. You push the thoughts away quickly. Flooding them with the happy life you want to have with Jungkook, you want to be his wife, the mother of his children.

“Oh shit, yeah. Fuck, I’ll pour it out. I’m sorry.” he moves around the room, collecting any type of alcohol and taking it to the bathroom.

“You understand that if you want to be with me, you have to stop drinking as well, right? Like it’s non-negotiable. I’m serious about my recovery.” You say, fixing the lipstick, he messed up. You thought, ‘God, I can’t wait to go home.’ You find it sad because you like Yoongi. You don’t know why, but you do. Maybe it’s because he is the complete opposite of Jungkook. He was crass, rude, and annoying as fuck, but it drove you crazy. He made you feel tingles all over your body, and you fucking hated it but loved it just as much. 

“I know, baby, I just got excited. I’m happy that you wanna stay with me. Maybe you could—” he’s cut off by a girl bursting into the room. 

“Baby!! I missed you so much!” she runs to him and kisses him. Yoongi goes sheet white like he’s seen a ghost, and you can’t believe your eyes. You’re astonished, laughing softly to yourself because, boy oh boy, he’s fucked.

“Princess, I thought you said you weren’t coming..” he looks over at you and then back at the mystery girl. She finally realizes you’re in the room and looks-* over at you like you’re the most disgusting thing she’s ever seen. 

“Baby, who is this?” she looks up at Yoongi, then back at you.

“I’m Y/N. It's nice to meet you. I’m Yoongi’s assistant.” You smile the most sickeningly sweet smile. If it’s one thing you know, many women were intimidated by you. I mean, why wouldn’t they be? You were beautiful, curvy, and friendly. As they say, bitches be hating.

“Well, I’m Hayoon, Yoongi’s girlfriend. You can go away now; he and I have some catching up to do.” She smiles back at you. 

“Oh.” you pout. “Well, that's too bad. We actually have to leave right now. Valentino is starting soon. I could call and see if you could come? Though it looks like you’re not dressed for the occasion. Let’s go, Mr. Min; we have to be there by 5 for the preshow party.” You turn and leave the room. She starts complaining as soon as you leave the room, going on and on about how he needs to fire you for being so rude, and he argues back that she was being just as harsh and that she needs to stop acting like a brat or go home. She relents and he walks out of the room and collects some personal items. 

“Baby, go to the house. I’ll meet you there later,” he says to her, and she pouts before leaving. 

You two get into the car, and it’s awkwardly quiet. “So, I guess I’m not the only slut, huh.”

“Shut the fuck up. She’s not my girlfriend. We occasionally have sex whenever I’m in Paris.” he’s rubbing the bridge of his nose.

“Does she know that?” you snort, and his phone begins to ring, “Oh, it looks like ‘Baby Girl heart emoji’  is calling; you wanna take that?” he sends the call to voicemail, sighing. “Just admit it; I won't tell her that you fucked me in this exact car yesterday, don’t worry. Admit it, and I’ll fuck you again.” you lean into his ear and lick at his earlobe, which earns you a low groan.

“Fine, fuck, fine, she’s my girlfriend.” he’s losing his patience with you.

“Mmm, such a good boy. Where’d you meet her, huh? How long have you been together? Huh, baby?” you palm him through his slack rubbing gently.

He’s beginning to fall apart.  Although Yoongi’s never admitted it to anyone, just as much as he loves to be in control during sex, he loves it just a little more when the woman takes control. And right now, he especially loves that it’s you. “Fuck… I met her when I first moved from Daegu to Seoul. We’ve been friends since, but we’ve been together for 5 years… but I want you now..”

“Why does no one know about her, and why didn’t you tell me about her? You fucked me raw.” you’re unbuttoning his pants, slipping your hand into his waistband, and starting to jerk him in his pants.

“Someone does. Namjoon knows. He actually introduced us. I keep her out of the spotlight because she’s a non-celebrity. She would get too overwhelmed with everything, not media trained, ya know… Fuck… I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to lose you. I’ve never fucked anyone without a condom. Not even her, you’re the first person ever.” you hum into his ear, you can’t believe how easily he’s willing to give up this information. And he had the nerve to slut shame you. Madness.

“Wow, baby, you’re such a good boy. You won’t lie to me anymore, right? Is there anything else you want to tell me?” you feel him twitch in your hand. You know he's gonna cum soon, and that's precisely what you want.

“I have one more thing, but I can’t tell you right now… fuck.” he’s whiny, needy, and it's so cute on him. 

“Hmm, I guess that’ll do for now. You can cum.” and he does, and there is so much you’re salivating. You want to do nothing more than to clean him up with your mouth but fuck him. He can clean himself up. So you wipe your hand on his shirt.

“Clean yourself up, we’re almost there.” You throw him a napkin before reaching into your bag and handing him a new shirt. You fix the little bit of makeup that was ruined, and he moves to kiss you. “Nuh-uh, don’t fuck up my make-up.” You push him away while the car pulls up to the carpet. Luckily, he’s cleaned and ready to go. 

The night is hard to get through, to say the least. While you love fashion, being around people who are drunk or high or both isn’t really the best for someone in recovery. But you hold your resolve. You’re strong and will stay strong not only for you but for the man you get to go home to very soon.

Thankfully, the week goes by quickly. Of course, Yoongi tried to fuck you every chance he got, but you always found you’re way out of it. It wasn’t like you didn’t want to have sex with him; you just wanted it to be on your time, not his. Anyways, you’re finally back home. You decide on the plane ride home that you’re going to tell Jungkook what happened, you think that if you tell him now it’ll save a lot of hurt and pain for the both of you.

At this point, you’re waiting for him to pick you up from the airport. After about 10 minutes, you spot his black AMG. Relieved that you get to be in his presence again. He pulls up next to you, getting out of the car to help you. “Hi princess, I missed you. You look beautiful as always.” He kisses the top of your head before opening your door and helping you into the car.

“How was Paris, my love?” he asks, but you don’t reply right away. You’re trying to think of the right way to do this. To rip the bandaid off and tell the man you love you cheated.

“It was nice… Hey, Jungkook…. I need to tell you something.” you fidget with your fingers, ears burning.

“What's up? I’m all ears.” he chimes. He sounds so happy, and you feel so guilty for what you’re about to say.

“Jungkookicheatedonyou.” it comes out as one jumbled word, too afraid to even make it a sentence.

But he just chuckles a little, “I know.” he says, still in the same tone of voice. You’re startled. What does he mean he knows? 

“You know?!” your thoughts are racing; you can’t believe what you just heard.

“Yes, princess, I know, calm down. Now, I’m sure you’re wondering how I know. Do you remember when I called you the first day you were there? You thought you hung up, but you didn’t.”

“You're not mad?” your heart feels like it's going to jump out of your chest.

“Oh, baby doll, I was pissed. Naturally. Hearing the love of my life getting railed by some douche that calls himself a rapper. But I told you when you told me no the first time, I’m going to marry you no matter what. So I’m going to give you a year to get it out of your system, and after that year, you’re all mine. Does that seem fair? I do have a couple of rules we can discuss when we get home.” he laces his hand with yours and kisses it.

All you could say was okay, he was right it was finite that you were going to marry each other. It was too much work to start all over with someone else. You two rarely ever fought before your condition, so you were comfortable with him. You knew you never wanted a relationship with Yoongi. He didn’t know that, though. I’m sure he probably thinks you’re going to leave Jungkook for him, and he’d be absolutely wrong. You thought when you first met Yoongi you’d leave JK for him, but now, no. Yoongi is a terribly selfish person, and you’d rather be treated with some type of respect.

After what seems like forever, you two finally get home. “Go inside, I’ll grab your bags. We’ll talk once I get inside.”

He follows after you shortly and gets you all settled. “Sit on the couch, we’re going to have a serious talk, princess.”

So you do, and you keep quiet. Your thoughts are racing; you’re terrified that he’s lying to you. You feel like this is entrapment. You feel like Jungkook is going to use this against you, but in that same vein you know Jungkook is too soft to really be mad at you.

“So, princess, I know you enjoyed your time in Paris, but I have some ground rules.” As soon as he went to sit, someone knocked on the door. Jungkook goes to answer it and when he comes back to the living room Yoongi is in tow. You go white, terrified of what Jungkook is going to do to Yoongi. “He arrived just on time! Please, sit.” 

“Jungkook what’re you doing?” You question, you’re trembling at this point.

“I want you to know that he knows that I know. That was a lot of knows, but yeah.” you’re dumbfounded, and just look at Yoongi because what the actual fuck is going on here. You feel like you’re going to pass out. This is a dream, a really fucked up dream. You’ll wake up soon, and everything will be alright, you think to yourself. Yoongi shifts in his seat, cheeks red and looking extremely uncomfortable.

“What do– There’s no fucking way. I’m dreaming. This is a joke–” You stand up and start pacing the room.

“It’s true…” Yoongi squeaks out, “He called me that day. Gave me an ultimatum… He told me I had a year to be with you, and then after that, I had to leave you alone, or he’d tell HYBE about us. I agreed..”

You’d never felt so confused and betrayed. I mean, sure, you cheated, but these two dickheads had conspired against you, “And what if I don’t want to do the whole year? What if I just wanted it to be a one-time thing? I feel like you’re pimping me out to my boss, this is weird..”

Jungkook just gives you a look, something you’d describe as hurt but understanding, “Okay then, tell Yoongi he needs to leave you alone. That you quit and that you want nothing to do with him.”

You look over at Yoongi, then back to Jungkook, and he implores you for an answer: “So are you gonna say it?”

“Well… what if I don’t want to leave him alone? What then?” Jungkook looks taken aback.

“If that’s what you really want, I will accept your decision, but I know that’s not what you want. You love me too much to leave me.” At this point, you’re sure Jungkook has lost his mind, finally fed up with your bullshit, but he’s right. You’re acting out because you’re bored with your life, like those housewives you see on TV. “Honey, I’m giving you a hall pass. Please accept it. I love you, and I want you to be happy. I feel I’m being more than generous considering.”

“Fine... What are your conditions?”

“1. You can see him 2 days out of the week. 2. You must use condoms and other contraceptives. I don’t like the thought of him cumming in you, and the thought of you pregnant by him makes my skin crawl. 3. If you’re with him and I call, answer unless you are… having sex…” He smiles at you, “I think that's fair, no? Also, I think Yoongi has something he needs to tell you.”

You look at Yoongi, and he looks like he’s going to throw up right then and there. “Okay? What is it?”

He’s quiet for a really long time, pulling at the skin on his cuticles. “Hello? You there? What do you need to tell me?”

He finally musters the courage to say, “I have a 4-year-old…”

“WHAT THE FUCK?!”

© @cumsuga 2016-2024. All rights reserved. — Unauthorized use or duplication of these works, including reposting, translating, and modification in any form, is strictly prohibited. DO NOT USE MY CONTENT FOR ANY AI PURPOSES WHAT SO EVER

credit to @cafekitsune for the dividers

[shadows-over-the-wastes]

Shadows Over the Wastes: Chapter Six

It had been a few days since Chopper found me. He was odd, but he was helpful. He was strong, fierce, and surprisingly intelligent. Maybe not quite as smart as his vocabulary let on, but he was clever in a way that was hard to describe. He had a lot of things I lacked. A spine, for one. He sewed up my flank. It wasn’t pretty, a few bits of flesh were missing, so my cutie mark is all broken up, but it’s good enough. The gash on my neck was healing up well enough, it was small, but it would still leave a pretty noticeable scar. Not even a week out and I was already injured. It was hard sleeping near him though. I always felt like he’d end up the same way as Swiss. Only, this time, I wouldn’t be able to stop him. Not even if I got lucky. Even as passive as he was, I always kept him at leg’s length. I couldn’t cease that sinking suspicion. Something deep in my mind festered with that paranoia.

I was in a lake, washing myself off, the blood and skull bits sticking into my mane were driving me mad. Not only that, but the dirt I’d collected on the road. Chopper sat on the shore, away from me, choosing to give me privacy. “So, uh, if you don’t mind me asking…” I began, calling for his attention, “you never explained what the whole Rusteater MO is.”

“I don’t plan on it. Need to know basis.” He staunchly, unflinchingly replies. “And as far as I’m concerned, you don’t.”

“How am I supposed to be anything but dead weight if you won’t answer any of my questions? Celestia’s sake, we’ve been slogging on the road for three days and all I know is your name!” I sighed, running my hooves over my mane, scooping water to wash myself down. The water ran red and black as it pooled off me. Dirt, oil, and blood.

The stallion snorts like a bull, shaking his head. “Those Fiends you encountered. They’re cannibalistic Raiders. They raze villages and eat the stragglers.”

“Yeah, you established that.” I snapped back, scoffing.

He takes a deep breath, hesitating to continue. “Rusteaters are pretty much the same. Save for the eating ponies part. We wipe out or enslave anypony we can manage. Then we strip their villages for parts to make weapons and armor.” He looks over his shoulder just enough so I could see one of his eyes, but he couldn’t see me. “We sell those ponies we capture for anything we can get. Or we keep a few healthy ones for breed-stock.”

My heart sunk into the pit of my stomach, my intestines twisting. Sickened by his words. “Am… am I breed-stock?”

“Generally speaking? Probably. I mean, you’re more than a healthy weight. Even if you’re a little short, you have desirable genetics. Plumpness is a very valuable trait out here.” He explains, “Hell, if you did get captured for breed-stock, you’d have one fatass price tag. And whatever bidder you went to would probably treat you at least half decent. They’d have to, to afford you.” Shrugging, he then shakes his head, “But right now? No, I didn’t capture you. I’d never subject you to that. Not as long as I was alive.” He lets out an exhausted sigh.

Letting out a sharp exhale through my nose, I cleaned my wounds. “Why are you being nice? What makes you different from the other Rusteaters?”

“They’re fucking dullards. Every single one of them. Please, I almost ripped my mane out being sent with my squad; Blockhead, Bonehead, and Pinhead. They’re ignorant. Psychopathic.” Kinda rich, considering I saw how he dealt with any hostiles on the road. “They tear everything down time and time again. It’s… cruel, and unsustainable.” Chopper laughs a little to himself. “Bunch of mud-munching, junk-scraping, illiterate, lead-skulled know-nothings.”

I chuckled at his description. “Wow, you’re pretty eloquent for a wastelander.”

“I get it from my mum. She was the sassiest mare I’ve ever known.” He inspects his rifle. “Everypony thought my dad was in charge, but no, she had him by the balls. Literally. Her intelligence was unrivaled. She was a Steel Ranger, and she wasn’t about to raise a half-wit.”

“So uh…” I slowly pulled myself from the lake, sitting on a rock to let my coat and mane dry. “What’s the plan for you then?”

He sighs, running his hooves over his rifle. “I cut you loose before I get too close to home. Considering we’re-“ he stops, and his ears shoot up to attention. “Hide.”

“Why?” My ears swivel around, and I listen out for whatever freaked him out.

“I said hide!” He growls, looking over at me, before he retreats into a small alcove under the rocks.

“Fuck…” I mutter, looking around. Then I realized. The water might have been clean, but it was difficult to see through. The setting sun reflecting off the surface made sure of that. So back in I went, as carefully and quickly as I could manage. Taking a deep breath, I laid on my back under the surface. I watched, eyes open, looking up to see if anypony approached. And something did.

Fizzling into existence, coming out of some kind of cloaking device, was an unnaturally massive earth pony mare, I think. Her  coat had fallen out completely, as well as her mane, if she even had either of them. What was left exposed was sickly blue flesh, a mutation of some kind, that allowed me to see hoof-thick layers of rippling muscle. Her lips were peeled back with some kind of sling, hooks keeping the flesh back, making sure her massive, yellow teeth were on display. Her eyes were bloodshot, with a deep-seated aggression within. She wore armor made from pieces of military vehicles, a massive weapon with a rotary chain-blade hanging on her side.

I could feel her growling cause ripples on the water’s surface, further shrouding not only mine, but her own image in distortion. She leaned down, loudly sniffing, her massive nostrils flaring. Then, I heard someone say something, and she barked something in reply, hurriedly making her way away from the edge of the lake. I could feel myself becoming lightheaded, on the verge of jumping up for air, but I had to give it a few more seconds. I counted out 15 seconds, then pushed my snout up through the surface of the water, and took a breath as quietly as I could. Rolling over, I slowly peeked up, looking around. Nopony. They seemed to be gone. “Chopper?” I whispered, “Chopper, are they gone?”

He slowly comes out of the alcove, crawling on his belly with his rifle. He looks around, “No glimmering… they’re gone.”

“Glimmering?” I glanced over.

He nods, “Nightkin. They’re super mutants. They have the ability to shroud themselves and become invisible whenever they please.” Standing up, he slings his gun over his back. “The only way you can see them before they see you is by seeing if the area around you has any uh… what’s the word? A ‘shimmer’ so to speak, shaped like them.” He points at me, “Good job, hiding in the water was really clever, I’ll have to use that sometime.”

Shaking myself off to dry, I go back over to the rock that had my clothes. “Surprised they didn’t see this and look around.”

“They probably figured you were dead.” He chuckles, “I don’t really blame them. Any number of things in the water could’ve gotten you.”

My head whipped over to him as I zipped up my Stable suit. “I’m sorry, what? There are things in the water that could’ve killed me?? And you neglected to say that until now?”

“Well, I did say there are things everywhere that can kill you.” He sighs, looking over at me. “Everywhere includes lakes, mountains, forests, deserts, roads, other Stables, towns, and cities. Oh, and the ocean. The ocean is terrifying.”

Rubbing my cheek with a hoof, I shook my head. “Fuck’s sake… is there anything out here that won’t try to kill me?”

“Actually, yes, Sprite-Bots. Don’t kill them, they’re nice. And usually Assaultrons in towns and settlements. Protectrons too.” He begins to root through his bag. “Like I said, I’m sending you on your way. I can’t keep you around. Especially not if I just saw Nightkin come from the direction of home…” He groans. “Anyway.” Dumping out some things onto the ground, he waves a hoof to them. “Take these.”

Approaching, I scooped up some of the items. Two bottles of Sparkle-Cola. A package of “Mint-Als”, featuring a cartoon zebra on the casing. Eight loose revolver cartridges, and a mouth-hold revolver with a five shot cylinder. One stimpak. Three bottles of medicine labeled “RAD-X” and an IV bag labeled “RAD-AWAY”. I took everything except the radiation meds, putting the cola, mints, stimpak, and ammo in my saddle bags. Tucking the revolver into my waistband, I looked up at Chopper. “Is now a bad time to mention that I don’t know how to use a gun?”

“It absolutely is. Why didn’t you take the rad meds??” He picks them up, offering them again.

“I don’t need them.” I replied.

“Y-what?? Yes you do?! Are you insane?!” He laughs slightly. “You’ll get fried out there without rad protection.”

Rolling my eyes, I snatched them up with my magic, stuffing them into my bag. “Fine.”

Letting out a heavy groan, he pulls something else out from his bag. “You’ll also need these.” He offers a small pouch, and a strange medallion. “Caps, and a… means of insurance.”

“What are these for?” I took them, raising a brow.

“Caps are for buying shit. That little bit-shaped thing? It’s technically the reason I found you. I stamped some Rusteater flair on it though. Flash it and ponies will know you have protection. Maybe not my clan, but mine is enough. Trust.” He pats me on the shoulder, and I flinch a little, backing away. “Keep up the maintenance on those wounds.” Pulling his helmet from his flank, he fits it on over his head, pointing a hoof at me. “Don’t die! If you do, I’ll… I’ll be pretty damn upset about it. You have potential. Head south, to Foaledo, hit that place up for some supplies and maybe even some help. Then, from there, you’re gonna want to head northwest towards Big McIntosh Bridge, you’ll see Bales on the way. Once you’re over the bridge, head back southwest, and that’ll take you straight to Whinnyapolis, just south of where Cloudsdale used to be.” He draws the whole route out in the soil, making sure I watch.

“Damn…” I recoiled, “you’re… a really apt navigator.”

He shrugs, “When you wanna be anywhere but home, you learn the roads well.” Clearing his throat, he gently places a hoof on my shoulder, leaning forward. “Good luck, Yellowcake. I hope I’ll see you sometime soon.” Those words were honest. Rife with something other than hesitation to leave. Backing away, he turns his back to me. “See ya some other time, Sardine.”

Looking down at the medallion in my hoof, I took a deep breath. I’d be on my own for a little while. A day or two, til I made it to some sort of civilized town. I didn’t know anything about this place, and the longer I dawdled, the longer I’d be exposing myself to the dangers out here. I slipped the medallion into my Stable suit, glancing at the descending sun. I was burning precious sun-lit hours. I had to find somewhere to hunker down for the night.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I headed south, making as much headway as I could manage. Unfortunately, my less-than average leg length made that quite a rockhoofean task. However, I managed to find something. A monitor station at a railroad crossing. It was small. More or less just a concrete box with a door, window, and computer console. Bucking the door open, after three or four tries, I made my way in, sweaty and huffing. “Fuck’s sake…” I muttered, closing the door again, and locking it with a small metal rod on the ground within. The window was broken, replaced with old drapes, tattered cloth that hung down from rusted bolts. There was a chair, beat up, and aged beyond all belief. I pressed down on it, checking it. Then, almost as soon as I did, a spike shot up through the cushion of the chair. One that would’ve impaled me straight through the ass, and scrambled my intestines. My eyes nearly bulge out of my head, and I sigh. “Well, that answers that question.”

I tried to make myself comfortable on the floor, sweeping away some of the broken glass. Laying down, I pulled the gun from my waistband, keeping it as close as I could. Celestia forbid I get snuck up on again, maybe they’d think twice. Maybe. I didn’t know. I couldn’t know. But that was a problem for me later. Right now, I just wanted to sleep. I was exhausted. And tomorrow would be the same. I felt my face sour, my lower lip quivering. Crying until I pass out isn’t exactly a good first step into being a wasteland pony. Who cares? Maybe I’ll be dead before morning.

PREVIOUS | FIRST | NEXT

[sixthemeowmeowidk]

YOUR SUCH A GOOD ARTIST I LOVE YOUR C! TNT DUO ART SM!!! (≡^∇^≡)

thanks oomf 😭

sorry to vent here yall but i was legit abt to post abt how unmotivated ive been at drawing

i havent been drawing much recently coz i lost confidence in my art idk i guess im just wondering why do i even draw at all my art isnt good enough where i can do anything with it i feel like its in its awkward stage where its just like, okay. Its okay but its not good and its not amazing its just okay. And idk ig ive just been disappointed in myself bc it feels like despite all the efforts it didnt rlly turn out the way i wanted like i was drawing for so long for it to just be okay and ig im just bummed i also just started feeling like drawing is a waste of time if it doesnt bring me anything and if i cant move others idk maybe im tripping or smth i just dont know why my art has been so stagnant i realized im quite delusional and im not as good as i perceived myself to be and infact ive fallen quite far im kinda just lost on what to do because it feels like drawing is a waste of time but i cant dettach myself from art bc ive made it apart of my identity and i have no other hobbies i want to fully commit to coz i dont want to start all over again on learning smth new i cant give up on all my efforts but it feels like im just not good enough like ueah i get that i am skilled to some degree but the skill isnt enough im not moving ive been on the same level for so long ive been moving at such a slow pace and i just dont understand why my art doesnt have the same charm that others do maybe its bc people can tell that i dont enjoy drawing maybe its bc they can tell that im only doing it for my own gain and that i dont try hard enough to draw for fulfillment or something idk

idk its a lot of stuff and im sure ill prob get over it and draw again but i just feel like i cant do anything with my art or maybe im not smart enough to think things through or maybe im jst making excuses for myself its honestly so embarrassing to admit this but idrc i kinda wish i was never a artist in the first place i just feel like all of this is a waste of time and that i shouldve done something else that can actually contribute to something

i dont see art the same way anymore and im not sure why im disappointed and confused on what to do i want to improve but i feel like something is holding me back i feel like i need to do other stuff and be useful i feel kinda useless with what i do idk i feel like i cant create the way others do and that it’s obvious my art lacks passion

idek man i hate this identity that ive built up bc it feels like its useless im def just tweaking the fuck out and need to take a rest maybe im burnt out from drawing so much but i wish i wasnt because i really need to practice im scared ill get left behind and i miss my chance to be as good as i want to be or need to be and ill miss my chance to be useful i feel like every artwork i do is half assed in a way thats hard to explain but yeah

[kate-the1975]

Missy Moo and the Vegas Crew - Matty Healy × Reader

CW: Some inappropriate language. Literally nothing else unless you count dad!matty and cuteness as a warning xx

WC: 2,051 words

A/N: This is my first time posting on here, and I'm not used to this at all, so please be kind, I'm giving it my best shot, hahaha xxx

Finally. Me time.

A solid hour, maybe even two hours, just to myself. To self indulge in a packet of Cadburys Oreo Bites and a glass.....or two, of mine and Matty's favourite bottle of Red Wine.

Being in a hotel room suite wasn't the same as being at home in our shared living room, but it'll do.

Normally, being in Vegas would mean partying, drinking way too much, and maybe renting out a larger than life limo for all of us to get wasted in going from bar to bar and casino to casino....but I guess you could say things are a bit different for us this time around.

I let out a sigh of relief as I plopped down onto the large cream coloured couch in mine and Matty's suite, casting the show I've been waiting for all year round onto the 65 Inch TV.

I couldn't help but kick my feet excitedly like a child when the theme tune of The Great British Bake Off started playing. A childish grin also spreading across my face as I took a lengthy sip of my glass of Cabernet Sauvignon.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing." Matty's tired voice spoke suddenly, making me jump out of my skin and nearly causing me to spill the wine all over myself and the perfectly cream coloured couch.

I felt like a deer caught in the head lights. I felt like a child being caught doing something that they really weren't supposed to be doing.

I was watching our favourite show....without him. In his eyes, that's the lowest of the lows.

"I- ummm- i-.......sorry." I gave him an apologetic smile while shoving 3 small Oreo Bites from the bag of sweets into my mouth.

"Yeah, right! You're not sorry! Why were you going to watch it without me!" He pouted, his muscles flexing as he crossed his arms over his naked torso.

My eyes, obviously, travelling over every inch of his perfectly sculpted body.

I gulped loudly, my mouth going dry from the effect he has on me. After 8 years together, he still has such an effect on me, which is slightly pathetic.

"I'm sorry baby! I haven't had a second to myself all day, and tomorrow you guys are playing the festival and that's another day gone by where I don't have a second to breathe. I was just being really selfish, I'm sorry." I explained, pausing the TV and getting up off the couch to embrace him.

As I shuffled over to him with my fluffy socked covered feet, I could see his eyes scan over my appearance.

To me, I was at my worst. Wearing his oversized navy Nike jumper and a pair of pyjama shorts underneath with my hair up in a clip, my skin breaking out like crazy even though I am 32 year old woman, but to him I was at my very best.

"You're actually to fucking cute, Y/N." He chuckled as he brought me into his embrace, his arms wrapped tightly around my waist and his face in the crook of my neck, while I rested my head on his shoulder, breathing in his natural scent and running my nails up and down his back lightly.

"And you're too handsome Healy." I giggled quietly, placing a gentle kiss on his temple.

We just stood there like this for a few minutes, taking in each others presence for what feels like the first time today.

"Can I tell you something, Gorgeous?" He whispered against my neck, placing a gentle kiss on my collarbone when he stopped speaking.

"Anything, my love. Anything you want, I'm all ears." I smiled, scratching the hairs at the nape of his neck. Letting out a a slightly high pitched breath as he began to suck slowly on my collarbone.

"You smell like baby powder."

Is he being for fucking real?

"Healy, go and shite!!" I laughed loudly, pushing him away from me as he also laughed hysterically.

"What! You do! It's not a bad thing, just thought you should know." He kept laughing, leaning forward with a hand on his stomach.

"Alright, alright! Whatever! Now, are you going to get yourself a glass of wine or what? Because if you don't get your arse in gear, you can go back into the bedroom and I'll watch Bake Off without you. I don't care." I teased, playing with the strings of his grey joggers as I held in a laugh, knowing how he'd react to such a statement.

"Fuck! Go sit down, I'll be two minutes max, baby. Don't start without me!"

He wasn't joking. He practically skidded across the marble tiled floor to reach the wine, nearly falling flat on his face.

He grabbed a packet of Doritos from the snack box quickly as well, and then there he was.

Sprawled out beside me with his legs over the arm of the sofa, glass of wine resting on his stomach, and his head in my lap facing the TV with eyes glimmering with excitement for the new season.

"Ah, look! Didn't know I was on this season of Bake Off." He commented as someone named Matty appeared on the screen. His facial expression showed that he was clearly proud of himself for such a joke as he smugly took a sip of his wine.

"Wow, that was a good one, babe." I laughed, even though it was terrible, but it made me laugh nonetheless.

The more the show went on the more he got into it.

He gets more and more into it every year, and I find it to be one of the sweetest things about him. He gets invested in everything I'm invested in on purpose.

"Jesus, fair fucks to Dan. I couldn't make a cake like that." He sat up straight, leaning forward and staring at the chocolate fudge cake that one of the bakers had made in complete awe.

"Yeah, he's a good one. I really like Abbi and Cristy, though. They're really strong bakers. Oh! And I love Allison Hammond being on it now."

We did our own commentary through the whole show. Both me and Matty nearly wetting ourselves laughing over someone making a lobster cake.

As the first episode came to an end, it was announced that Dan, definitely Matty's favourite for the moment, was Star Baker.

"Yeah! Fucking come on! I'll bet fifteen quid on it that he's this years winner." He rubbed his hands together enthusiastically, turning his body to face me.

"Matt, sweetheart, it's literally one episode in. He could be shite next week."

"Sssshhh, don't say that! Dan is such a lad, he has this season in the bag!" He shushed me, placing a finger over my mouth as he tutted in disapproval.

"Daddy, who's Dan?" A small voice yawned from the corner of the room where the door to our bedroom was. Confused as to what was going on in her sleepy state.

"Rosie? Sweetie, what are you doing up?" Matty cooed as he got up quickly to go over to our three year old daughter, scooping her up into his arms and carrying her over to the couch me and Matty were sitting on.

"Couldn't sleep. Missed Mummy and Daddy." She whined quietly, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes with her small fists.

"Aww, we missed you too, baby girl. Do you have your blankie?" I smiled sweetly with loving eyes at our daughter, rubbing her cheek that wasn't against her dad's shoulder with my index finger.

"No, Uncle Ross has it." She whimpered with sudden sadness at the realisation that the reason she couldn't sleep was because she didn't have her baby blanket tucked up beside her.

Ross probably still had it in his carry on bag after it fell out of her hand while she was asleep in my arms as we were getting off the plane early this afternoon. He picked it up in an instant knowing his mini best friend would be distraught without it.

"Uh oh! We'll have to do something about that, won't we angel?" Matty spoke gently to her as he matted down her messy brown curls with the palm of his hand.

"Mammy's on it! I'll ring Uncle Ross, and he'll have your blankie here in no time, baby." I placed a kiss on her cheek before heading into the bedroom to get my phone off of my nightstand.

He answered the phone in seconds, apologising for not giving it to me or Matty earlier, and promising he'd be there in minutes.

"All done, my love!! Your special delivery is on its way." I reassured her as I sat back down beside Rosie and Matty.

She didn't reply, and I could see the way her eyes fluttered that she was close to falling back asleep in her dad's arms.

Rosie was 100% identical to her dad. From the brown curls to her witty personality and she even had the same freckle/birthmark on her left cheek like Matty.

The amount of love I felt in my heart for my sweet girl was overwhelming, and her looking exactly like the love of my life made my heart burst at the sight of her even more.

"Is she asleep?" Matty whispered as his eyes focused to the right of him where I was, but keeping his head resting on top of Rosie's.

Before I could answer his question, Rosie answered it for me.

"No, no, Daddy. I need to see Uncle Ross first." She protested, but the sleepy drool that was escaping the side of her mouth and onto Matty's bare shoulder said otherwise.

"Is that -"

"Drool? Yeah, she's drooling." I finished Matty's sentence, clasping a hand over my mouth to stop myself from laughing at my daughter's sleepy state.

"It's okay. Only when it's my princess, though, isn't that right, RoRo?" He murmured against her forehead.

It took all the effort in the world and in her little body to nod her head yes, rubbing her head slightly aggressively against Matty's shoulder to try and cuddle into his embrace deeper.

She clearly began to become uncomfortable while trying to wait for Ross to return her blankie, and she was a fidgeting and crying mess.

Clearly, sleep deprived and feeling super uncomfortable because of it.

"Ssshhh, it's okay. Don't cry, baby. Uncle Ross will be here soon, I promise. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere." Matty tried his best to lull her back into some kind of comfort, but there was no hope.

The only thing that stopped her from letting out a large sob was the very musical sounding knock on the door, which I'm assuming must be Ross.

I was quick to get to the door, not wasting a second longer that could be a second that my daughter spent with her blanket.

"Ross, thank god you're- oh....hi, what are you guys doing here?"

Ross stood right in front as George, Adam, and Charli stood behind him, all of them in their comfy attire and wearing sleepy smiles.

"Well, we thought we'd have a bit of a sleepover until Missy Moo gets back to sleep." Ross spoke innocently, a wide smile spreading across his face as he tried to get a good look into the room and spot Rosie.

"Oh, and Matty texted George saying you were watching the Great British Bake Off, and if you think I'm missing out on watching it, you are so wrong." Charli piped in.

I was quick to welcome them in and Rosie was more than happy to see her uncles and her aunt Charli walking into the room to spend time with her.

I didn't bother to explain me and Matty had already finished the episode. I just replayed it without arguing, finding it funny how a bunch of grown men could be so obsessed with a baking show.

I glanced over to my left to see Rosie now fast asleep, her face smushed up against Matty's shoulder that was covered by her blankie, and her right hand holding onto mattys left index and middle finger loosely.

Was this like any normal trip to Vegas that we were all used to?

No.

Did I get to have an hour of peace and quiet to just myself?

No.

But would I change any of this for a moment of silence and selfishness.

You bet your arse I could never do such a thing.

[raine-witcher]

I have finished Spirit of Justice and I have OPINIONS:

These are not going to be at all well organized instead will be tangent filled and disorganized af. Bear with me.

First of all the trilogy itself id describe as a…interesting sandwich, we have a rocky depressing start but with absolutely solid new characters. The absolute masterpiece of Duel destines being a completely amazing set of cases consistently. And then…this absolutely devastating rollercoaster. I think the cases in Japanafornia are solid, great cases. While the first 2 cases in Kura’in are…they’re pretty bad, especially the 3rd case of the game. And that issue is entirely because the characters from Kura’in are incredibly uncomplying. Nahyuta is a complete asshole and hypocrite who shows no signs of his change. And Rayfa is a spoiled brat. Neither of these characters change until the last half of the last case. That. Is. A. Problem. Why should I care about their changes when I haven’t seen a steady pattern of growth from them? Instead we get coin flips. That’s not compelling that’s a waste of my time having to read their stupid. Boring. Dialogue. I hated Nahyuta so much I stoped voicing him for a while in my play though. The best way k can describe why he sucks is because he wasted 4 dialogue boxes to just say he likes peaches. He drags on about nothing. After following the incredible acts of Gavin and Simon the best was I can explain my disappointment is by pointing out how both they before him had the ability to admit when they’re wrong and be helpful in a case. Nahyuta said Trucy was a sinful being pretending to be a cute little girl. That’s not a great introduction when we know Trucy is far from that. They keep saying he’s “kind and generous” but they show no action confirming that idea. The writers forgot about the core rule of “show don’t tell” that man was awful constantly and consistently. So when we get to the final case, I don’t give a single flying fuck about his feelings or change of heart. Because I’ve been given no real reason to care. Speaking of the 5th case. Oh my god. I cried so much about Dhurke. And part of me is upset because that proves the writers could make a character worth bringing me to tears and he had so much less screen time then Nahyuta or Rayfa. So they proved they can write characters that don’t suck ass from Kura’in. So I’m just all the more disappointed. Finally. I hate Apollo staying there. And that’s for multiple reasons. One, I don’t like the kingdom of Kura’in. Best way I can explain that is due to the fact it doesn’t have its own voice as a distinct country. I can clearly tell it’s a large melting point of every country from the east. What am I supposed to latch onto if it doesn’t truly have a culture? It’s biggest defining feature is it’s hostility towards me. So my reaction is to want to get tf out of there as fast as possible. Secondly as I’ve stated. All the characters in Kura’in are fucking boring. Or annoying. Or whatever. I don’t want to spend my time talking to them. Therfore I don’t want to be in this location. Okay two. I love Apollo. And I’m terrified that he won’t be a main character in the next game. I don’t want him to come back as a cameo character in a single case. He is a core part of the main 3 I’ve come to adore and I want him to be there. As a main character. Consistently. And I don’t know if he is. And I’m worried. So the ending made me feel bittersweet, upset, disappointed. This cast I’ve come to know as a family. And then being together is important to me. Is that stupid? Personally Idgaf it’s my feelings and I’ll get myself attached to what I want. I will criticize the writers for these decisions because they’re also written an amazing franchise that I’ve come to adore incredibly. I care about this game and it’s characters and I want to see them together. The end of duel destines where they all 3 point together left such an impression on me. As an artist and a character designer (not professional in any sense but it’s what I love to do) I respect the fuck out of the creators for making the cast of Wright anything agency. But the fumbles in Spirit of Justice have me concerned for the next game in the franchise. I hope to be proven wrong in my fears.

[inconsistent-kuroshitsuji-blog]

Hello. If you don't mind, I'd like to ask for headcanons about the kuro characters and their favourite video game genres/series? ^_^

Absolutely.

Kuro characters and their favourite video game genres/series

don't know why, but he looks like he'd enjoy simulator games

if Black Butler would've happened in the modern day (and someone would've taught this grandpa how to use technology) he would probably used these to learn the things he needs to know as a human

cooking simulator (or Cooking Mama), school simulator, anything that could be useful like that

definitely also enjoys slasher games

simply judging by the way he enjoyed that bloodbath on the Campania, he'd looooooove extremely violent games

idk, I don't know too many in that genre, but Dead by Daylight could be one of his faves

but nothing with guns. Those things are beneath him. He wants the real thrill of the kill

oh, please, as if he'd even know what that is

he doesn't even have time for this

imagine the hours wasted on lines of code and digital pixels

do you know that one game where it's basically like a VR job simulator with different kinds of jobs like cook or office or gas station? Instead of humans, the NPCs are robots that insult you at every given opportunity and set you up for failure. Yeah, he'd like that.

also, Powerwash Simulator

ok, stereotypical, but dress up games

especially Style Savvy (ngl, these games are way too good)

other than that, she seems like a casual enjoyer of Animal Crossing

except that she bullies all the ugly neighbours off of her island and hunts for very specific characters (so basically like me)

another obvious choice is Bayonetta

I mean, have you looked at her? Slashing her way through demons and angels while having chainsaws for arms and legs? The cunty outfits?

Let me tell you: Bayonetta and Grell? An iconic match made in heaven

I can't decide

either he's a die-hard Mario Kart player or a huge Sonic enthusiast (the older games, not the newer ones)

he probably doesn't have enough time to really play though, since he's either out working overtime or out partying

he doesn't seem like a shooter person

okay, this is coming out of me because of a huge lack of sleep (it's currently 1 am where I'm living), but why does he look like he would drunkenly play Fortnite or Roblox?

"You got games on your phone?" No, back the fuck up dude. You're an adult.

Why did I just write that? Inco, what's wrong with you?

this is very specific, but that one Coraline game for the Wii and the DS

he's definitely leaning more towards psychological horror games

American McGee's Alice and Alice: Madness Returns. You can't convince me otherwise

he's an unfairly skilled Mario Kart player, to the point that it almost seems like he's cheating (he's 100% cheating, just like when playing Uno)

on the other hand, he's a huuuuge sucker for Kirby games

doesn't matter what type or gimick, he loves it and has perfected it down to the last frame

but you'd never know unless he wanted you to know (and I know it because I am God and run on my last bar of my batterie and because he's officially and undeniably my husband, deal with it. Omfg, this is so fucking cringe, I'm gonna go shoot myself, I'll be right back.)

well, first of all, you need to explain everything to him because he couldn't even read the instructions on the screen (I'm 100% convinced that his eyesight is pure batshit and he's just cheating his way through the manga through some deus-ex-machina type of shit)

newsflash, but he loves horror games

I really see him with games like Resident Evil or Don't Starve Together

also, Undetale

you know, because of morals and choices and consequences and all that (surely not because of a skeleton with dry humour)

maybe it would help to show him a bathing simulator so this crusty man learns how to clean himself

is it too obvious and on the nose to say The Mortuary Assistant?

omg, look at him! My boy! Finally animated! I love him so much! My boy!

ahem, so anyway...

Trombone Champ

he'd play it on his loudest speakers just to annoy the hell out of everyone

also, you know those really cheap horror games you can find on Steam that are really terrible? He lives for those

idk why, but he seems like he'd enjoy Portal

and Assassin's Creed. Especially the first four mainline games

continueing with puzzle games, he really enjoys Professor Layton, no doubt

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That's it for now. It's almost 2 am and I have to help out at a sports event I only registered for to watch some random kids suffer in the heat. But now I have to wake up early for that... Oh, how ironically bitchy life is. And to top it all of I have to work the graveyard shift today. Coffee and energy will be my best friend today.

So, yeah, that's it for now. Or maybe not, maybe I'll pull an all-nighter simply so I can't oversleep. If you're up for a part 2 just slide into my requests and I'll see what I can do.

Until then~

Your Inconsistent Kuroshitsuji Blog~

[juchily]

Yellowjackets (+ relationships) as song lyrics

(most if not all of it is rock ithink) and italics are being rlly weird so please excuse irregularities with that

Ve: tragic angst JackieShauna (Snackie), my beloved. Drug refs

Yellowjackets

"In a crooked little town They were lost and never found Fallen leaves, fallen leaves Fallen leaves on the ground" - Billy Talent's "Fallen Leaves"

"From chagrin I've been released Paint me in a portrait sans The fig leaves, fig leaves And I will not be concerned Or ignore the things I yearn My hunger is the rule I cannot overturn" - Dirt Poor Robin's "Enchanté"

"We are the angry and the desperate The hungry, and the cold We're the ones who kept quiet And always did what we were told" - Rise Against's "Prayer of the Refugee"

Literal all of "'Shia Labeouf' Live' by Rob Cantor

Natalie Scatorccio

"I've got a new low All fifty two cards in a row I see now that I won't let go No I won't let go

Well who am I? A cold shoulder left to cry You feel bad, well so do I Yeah so do I" - Middle Class Rut's "New Low"

"Did I try, did I try to make amends? To live and die or did I really just pretend? Nightmare's talking as I'm sleepwalking And I can't stop thinking" - Bad Wolves's "If Tomorrow Never Comes"

Lottie Matthews

"You can't breathe until you choke You gotta laugh when you're the joke There's nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive

Just open your eyes Just open your eyes And see that life is beautiful. Will you swear on your life, That no one will cry at my funeral?" - Sixx:A.M.'s "Life Is Beautiful"

"I raised myself My legs were weak I prayed my mind be good to me

An awful noise Filled the air I heard a scream in the woods somewhere

...

How many years I know I'll bear I found something in the woods somewhere" - Hozier's "In The Woods Somewhere"

Misty Quigley

"'Cause you don't talk to the water boy And there's so much you could learn But you don't wanna know You will not back up an inch ever That's why you will not survive" - Spoon's "The Underdog"

Shauna Shipman

"Strawberry lipgloss, oh, it's wasted On this dumb boy who likes the chase

But why am I so angry in the first place? Why am I hurting?" - Nxdia's "She Likes a Boy"

Jackie Taylor

"Maybe you were wrong and I was right I don't care, won't you stay another night? I just need some time to be myself I couldn't say "I need you" on that night When you left and I lost all track of time I just want you close so I can feel you Can you feel me? Mmm" - Prateek Kuhad's "Co2"

Taissa Turner

"This is unbecoming of me It's like my own reflection's not what it used to be Tryna figure out where I missed I'll never find the answer, it's just the way it is" - Saint Asonia's "So What"

Van Palmer

"I'm on fire" - Pitbull's "Fireball"

Laura Lee

"Early days and sleepless nights Death and resurrection, life My body is a sacred note Sung between the flesh and hope My dirt transformed within a breath Before I took a single step I'm looking forward to the day When life can grow without decay" - half·alive's "creature"

Travis Martinez

"'Cause so badly I wanna go outside. (Such a lovely day) But everyone knows that a man ain't suppose to cry, listen. I gotta cry 'cause cryin' eases the pain, oh yeah. People this hurt I feel inside, words can never explain. I just wish it would rain. (Oh, how I wish that it would rain)" - The Temptations's "I Wish It Would Rain"

Jackie x Shauna

"I've been cold in the crypt But not as the cold as the words across your lips You'll be sorry baby some day When you reach across the bed where my body used to lay" - Three Days Grace's "Chalk Outline"

""Come on in, boy" said the skeletons Sitting by her closet door Dirty secrets, empty memories And broken hearts across the floor I was knocked out, heels over head So you dragged me by my feet To a ghost town, where you buried me No wonder no one heard my screams

Love's so alive, but it died in it's sleep And now that it's dead I live in your head And I will haunt your fucking dreams" - Set It Off's "The Haunting"

Taissa x Van

"Well, I'm not the world's most passionate guy But when I looked in her eyes, well, I almost fell for my Lola Lo-Lo-Lo-Lo-Lola Lo-Lo-Lo-Lo-Lola" - The Kinks's "Lola"

"Believe me you really don't have to worry I only wanna make you happy and if you say "hey go away" I will But I think better still I'd better stay around and love you Do you think I have a case let me ask you to your face Do you think you love me?" - The Partridge Family's "I Think I Love You"

Lottie x Laura Lee

"Maybe in another life I could find you there Pulled away before your time I can't deal, it's so unfair" - The Offspring's "Gone Away"

Lottie x Nat

"Tell me who you are Your father has forsaken you Left you with those scars My hope is that you'll make it through Hate must never win Even when we're worlds apart Your love is not a sin Even if it's hard" - Falling In Reverse's "Coming Home"

Travis x Nat

"I am still dreaming of your face Hungry and hollow for all the things you took away I don't wanna be your good time I don't wanna be your fall-back crutch anymore" - Everclear's "Santa Monica"

Laura Lee x Nat

"I thought love was only true in fairy tales Meant for someone else but not for me Love was out to get me, that's the way it seemed Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face Now I'm a believer" - Smash Mouth's "I'm A Believer"

Jackie x Nat

"I just feel so out of place Well, except for when you're near me When you're gone, I'm like a plant with no root Or a song that's on mute Don't you dare call it cute! You should fear me!" - Kaden MacKay's "Your Stupid Face"

Adult TaiNat

"Maybe you should just fall And leave the world and lose it all And if that's what you need To finally see I'll be with you through it all

Bring on the pills, roll the dollar bill Medicating will never heal Relapse, rehab, repeat Always thinking about the me, me, me

Self-destruct, spiral down Until your want becomes your need Please get up like I know you can Or forever love the fall" - Nothing More's "Jenny"

Adult MistNat

"Nothing in the world that I do means a thing without you I'm just half alive in my struggle to survive without you" - Frank Sinatra's "My Way Of Life"

This has been sitting in my draft for like, a week now, and I needed to get it outta there, reblog with songs/song lyrics you think fits a Yellowjackets character -🦎

[moonogre]

tw: sexual assault

so i drank way too much this weekend partying and woke up literally in the middle of fucking some random dude i met at a club the next morning. i’m not really in the habit of fucking men anymore or random hookups from the dancefloor so needless to say this was very disorienting. i had to stop my guy on the downstroke and literally blurt out omg who are you and where am i. he was very polite and i went on to explain to him this isn’t really my scene and i’m gay and get him to get me an uber home because i was so drunk i’d lost my phone. he was mortified and apologetic and all in all i don’t think he was really predatory or whatever. i didn’t really want any smoke so i just hightailed it outta his crib to get to the business of meeting back up with my friends who were worried i’d disappeared. i apparently seemed completely coherent to everyone in the last moments they did see me which is crazy because in starting to fill in the gaps i’d been blacked out for about an hour after i lost them/left with this random dude.

i found my phone which great (it was dead at the nightclub along with my umbrella) i just think it’s extremely weird i could seemingly consent to decisions i would literally never entertain sober. but i’ve heard that i am like this when I’m black out (normal seeming and in control) which is why i try not to get too wasted/prefer not to drink, no one i’m with can ever tell it’s time to cut me off or take me home. i obviously wasn’t in a state to consent and feel kinda weird about it because i literally don’t remember anything, like there’s just an eight hour hole in the middle of my life where i was just prancing around sucking and fucking and doing god knows what ever else and i seemed like a rational functional person meanwhile the actual me capable of making real decisions is idk locked up in my mind somewhere.

it’s also weird to come to in the middle of already being awake. idk. i felt some pretty weird despair in the uber ride back home but it promptly went away, like i literally felt myself say “lmao nobye” and drown it away so idk. i just am not really in the mood to have another ✨ thing ✨ to deal with on top of the other things i’m trying to get a handle on.

i’m just writing about it here bc i’m prone to internalizing shame and then it turns to night terrors or anorexia or whatever and tbh i’m not trying to feel any shame about this. i just wanna get on with my life and enjoy writing and music and djing and my friends and my summer

anywho be careful out there kids~

[perplexingluciddreams]

some things i typed to mum recently:

i just feel awful that i am sitting in bed in an awful position for so many years on end, just wasting away. i am so aware that every day i spend like this makes it worse and the worse it gets the harder it will be to reverse, even with physical therapy and so much effort. i can feel myself get weaker and weaker and i hate that there is nothing i can do about it.

also while i am thinking about beds and chairs and wheelchairs (because of moving house stuff and new special chair - which i still can't really sit in because it is not right yet, by the way) - i have worries about being able to drive a powerchair. for reasons i find hard to explain with words. i just know that when i drive the current powerchair outside i need someone to hold my hand or else i can't do it. i don't have the awareness of surroundings or sense of direction. it is scary. yes, i can go through doorways really well, but i can't really just go wherever i want because i am still "stuck". can't explain fully. but i wanted to say it for a long time so even if it is not explained right, still need to get it out.

similar to and related to the issues i have with walking any route that is not a strong motor path (i think)

^that part above was my first attempt to get this out, then i elaborated later with this:

part of the driving powerchair difficulty is visual processing/awareness. i rely so much on tactile feedback of my environment and surroundings to be able to move around. when i walk, i can feel my feet on the ground, hands touching walls, shoulders bumping things, etc. when i am in wheelchair, i am completely cut off from all that tactile input, and it leaves me feeling lost. like i am floating and not tethered to anything. so i couldn't even complete a learned motor path in wheelchair really, because the way i do that is by tactile feedback and learned movements - the same every time. if i have no reference for where my body is, i can't do any of that. that is why the hand-holding helps me drive because that is my tether.

and here is today's addition:

anyway, i am honestly not sure how much of that is accurate words... i just know that it is a huge struggle and i have a big worry about it. which is not great and makes me very anxious because i have low mobility and can only walk short distances from room-to-room inside the house. and other than that i don't have any other options for independent mobility other than powerchair. so it is all really scary. and frustrating. things have just gotten worse and worse and i have sat here every day and watched it happen, with no control over any of it. it all just fucking sucks really. i am often quite unaware of this reality so when it hits me in these rare moments, it hits me hard.