#why read about the stresses of academics on top of living them in an art form who's entire job is to heighten already extreme emotions?!??

[bubblesandpages]

people who want to read dark academia while still in school are madmen

[goleb]

Hey there! I don’t know if you remember me at all, and sorry if this comes across as rather strange, but I was / am lore-anon from a while back. I don’t think I ever really thanked you properly for giving us all such deep insight into the making and Mind of The Man Himself, but I wanted to congratulate you on the assignment!

The more people to witness other opinions about dhmis that isn’t just PopularMatPatTheory the better. Especially coming from a viewpoint where Roy isn’t automatically labeled evil. Honestly, virtual high five my guy. Hope it wasn’t too hard of a project to work on, I would be absolutely thrilled to see into it one day!

I’m sorry for such a long break away, for a while seeing Roy content made me very…what’s the word, uneasy? Seeing all the love and pretty fan art for Lesley while Roy gets constantly dunked on made my blood boil, and seeing the unfortunate artwork of Roy with a woman made me sick to the stomach.

I can’t believe that I’m this easy to trigger into an anxiety fit, but tumblr was NOT the place for me to be. Glad it’s calmed down quite a bit, but still….I shudder to think what they’re going to do in the newer seasons, that woman is NOT yellow’s mother, I don’t even care, I’m yelling it from roof tops.

Ouch, this is a bit of a novel, so I apologise in advance, but thank you again for keeping His spirit alive in such a dead, rather cruel fandom.

P.s that Roy cap is absolutely MINT. Becky spoiled us for once. Anyway, I’m off, don’t feel obligated to reply if this is all too much, just wanted to pop by and say, well. Thanks. I mean it. :)

[This message is for Roylore anon and for Roylore anon only. Please do NOT read this if you are not Roylore anon. Seriously.]

Anon, anon, anon… you greatly underestimate your importance in my online life and that makes me sad. Of course I remember you. How could I forget? I literally just woke up, saw an ask notif on my phone, “I don’t know if you remember me at all” - and hoped in my heart of hearts that it’s you. Anon, I missed you. 

And I needed closure, at least, for why you disappeared, that you’re okay, you know? Too many times have people I know online just… logged off. And I’ve never seen them again. And I just hope that it was a choice, that they, you, all of you, are alright out there somewhere, living life. I’m so glad to hear that you are. 

I’ve had a shit week and all of it piling up has made me sick and I’m so tired, so I’m sorry if my response is overly emotional and all over the place but anon, you don’t understand. But for real.

You are THE reason as much of my work was published as there was. You know how I am, I like to keep to myself. I try not to speak publicly anymore unless prompted to because there’s little use screaming into the void and it's so disappointing sometimes to be faced with nothing but silence. But you, you’re a light in that void. So many times have I felt like I could just disappear, only really keep in touch with my friends because who else would even notice my absence, but then I think to myself, the hell are you saying?! To just abandon my mission, let the Roy haters win? What if Roylore anon comes back, what would they think! What, am I fucking stupid? Oh, absolutely not, not a chance. 😂 Anon, I thank YOU.

Anon, do I remember you…

(I’m so sorry that I still haven’t responded to a couple of them… I work on them in my off-time, straight up have a 20-page long document just for writing down my answers whenever I can. I’m actually writing this response in it, haha.)

Hah, thank you kindly. I only know as much about Roy as he lets me - fortunately for me, he lets me in on a lot of fun little details, haha. Well, that and whatever insight his therapist lets slip… Glen is not very good at that whole doctor-patient confidentiality thing. And thank you! 

That whole paper was a real royal pain (ha!) to complete, with the deadlines and the stress and the rules of academic writing making it difficult (I mean, in creative writing I could improvise you a 50-70 pager EASY in that half a year span. Academic writing, though, that requires so much effort, and you write and you write and at the end of day you find you have written less than a page, and then you have to find sources that back up your statements and… guh.) and the required page count being twice as high as the last largest academic project I worked on, I ended up pulling so many allnighters just to finish it that my brain stopped working. I just knew I had to keep writing. Pretty sure it worsened my, or what I’m pretty sure is, some form of very mild asthma (what’s it called, intermittent?), cause I’ve been wheezing ever since. Just two guys with breathing issues sitting in their bedroom cause they’re gay-married. Can lack of sleep do that? Iunno. But I’ve not been sleeping much since then. Sorry, that’s why I’m so tired, physically at least. Emotionally, that’s a whole nother can of worms, but it does not make sleeping any easier. But, you know what, it’s finished! I don’t have to write any academic papers ever again unless I want to! Maybe someday I’ll rewrite it, make it better. Truth be told, as proud as I am for finishing it, I’m also a little embarrassed that it’s not the best it could be. It was uh, it was about philosophy, the meaning of interpersonal relationships in an otherwise meaningless universe, bit of a comparison piece between DHMIS and Waiting for Godot, that kind of stuff. HIGH FIVE THOUGH!

Lord, I know! I mean, throwback to that one youtube comment argument I had where people kept telling me, you know, the guy who made overanalysing everything in the context of DHMIS similarity potential and loving Roy in every way his whole personality, to watch that theory video to “really understand DHMIS”. 🤦‍♂️ Cheers, I won’t. That’s what I watched DHMIS for in the first place. And I know, I know, I know, I know! WHAT has Roy ever done to deserve that kind of slander? Evil?! Throughout the entirety of DHMIS Roy literally just stood there. Even in 6 he didn’t do anything. “He tortured the trio” he did no such thing. I have a screenshot of every single appearance Roy had in the show. He literally just ominously existed, and what a wonderful existence it was. Or claiming Roy’s some sorta raging alcoholic because he… dared to have half a glass of wine with him at the pub, which he didn’t even drink. God, that just shows how classy he is, come on! Wine's good, who can blame him! Hell, I was literally paid with wine for a translation job I did once instead of money, that doesn't mean anything. Meanwhile at that exact same time Red Guy had a single pint of beer, climbed the stage naked and started singing and no one’s going after him for that. Nonsense, it’s all nonsense, anon. And don’t even get me started on neo-DHMIS. Need I point out all the fucked up shit the trio did in that show. Yellow Guy bashed Coffin’s face in (and that’s after Duck Guy was already driving him mad with his behaviour). Duck Guy killed Warren. Red Guy killed that old train guy, y’know, before the episode abruptly ended and that was the end of the series. It’s still really weird to me that they only made 4 and a half episodes for this series. Like that was weird, right? Why would they do this. Ah, but you know all that already.

It’s also still really… funny… to me that they basically meta-recreated the plot of the Management, y’know? An intruder takes over the show and keeps Roy out of his rightful position as The Guy in Charge with what may or may not be a pinch of brainwashing. But you can’t replace Roy. He’s what MAKES the show. He's mister DHMIS himself! Come on!

Oh, anon, I’m so sorry. You seem to have contracted the same sort of malaise that has been plaguing me for all these years. Yeah, yeah, I understand you completely. It’s… awful, it really is. The only reason I kept going is because I’m doing it for Roy. Ugh, yeah, the misfortune of seeing certain things is partially why my week’s been so shit, I’ve been having terrible luck with exactly that. And I'm literally actively trying to avoid it! I know, I know, I know. Both as Roy’s husband and PR guy, and as Dennis’s step-dad. Like get your hands off my man, tf. And you and me both, anon. You and me both. I've a few choice words to say there, a few choice words indeed, but I'll restrain myself... for now...

XD As if I’d ever mind. Besides, my responses aren’t exactly short either. I mean, look at this. Don’t apologise for talking to me, your messages are one of the highlights of my whole online experience. And hell yeah! 

I know, right! Finally, some delicious merch. It makes me feel so à la mode. 

NO, ANON, PLEASE COME BACK, DON’T LEAVE ME HERE AGAIN!!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[samaira132187]

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Also read:

SAT Exam: Your Key to Unlocking Education in Top Study Destinations

Unlocking Your Language Potential: A Complete Guide to the OPI Exam for Study Abroad Success

Navigating Career Opportunities in the UAE: A Gateway to Global Success

Ace Your Global Education Goals: A Complete Guide to the IELTS Exam

[tutopiya-online]

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[mostlysignssomeportents]

Conspiracy fantasy

When we talk about conspiratorialism, we tend to focus (naturally) on the content of the conspiracy. Not only are those stories entertainingly outlandish — they’re also the point of contact between conspiracists and the world.

If your mom is shouting about “Hollywood pedos,” it’s natural that you’ll end up discussing the relationship of this belief to observable reality. But while the content of conspiratorial beliefs gets lots of attention, we tend to neglect the significance of those beliefs.

To the extent that we consider why the beliefs exist and proliferate, the discussion rarely gets further than “irrational people have irrational beliefs.” This is a mistake. The stories we tell one another are a kind of Ouija board, with all our fingertips on the planchette.

The messages it spells out don’t describe external reality but they do reveal our internal, unspoken anxieties and aspirations.This is why we should read science fiction: not because it predicts the future, but because it diagnoses the present.

https://pluralistic.net/2021/02/26/meaningful-zombies/#oracles

Sf is an ever-mutating ecosystem of fears and hopes, and readers apply selective pressure to those organisms, extinguishing the ones that don’t capture the zeitgeist and elevating the ones that do, a co-evolution of our fantasies and our narratives.

http://locusmag.com/Features/2007/07/cory-doctorow-progressive-apocalypse.html

This is why Alternate Reality Games are so central to their players’ lives. They’re a form of narrative co-creation, with the players throwing out theories and the game-masters actually changing the story to incorporate the best of them.

ARGs are an environment where your coolest and most deliciously scary ideas become reality. It’s a powerful way to galvanize collective action.

As anthropologist Biella Coleman writes in Hacker, Hoaxer, Whistleblower, Spy, it’s the organizing principal behind Anonymous.

Anon Ops begin life as victory announcement videos. If the vision of success captures enough Anons, they execute the op.

https://www.spectator.co.uk/article/the-anonymous-ghost-in-the-machine

In other words, the degree to which a shared fantasy of victory compels its audience predicts whether the audience realizes its fantasy. Long before the alt-right, Anons were memeing ideas into existence (no coincidence, as both were incubated on 4chan).

On the Conspiracy Games and Counter-Games podcast, three left academics — Max Haiven, AT Kingsmith, Aris Komporozos-Athanasiou — analyze “conspiracy fantasies” (as opposed to conspiracies, e.g. the Big Lie behind the Iraq War) for what they reveal about late capitalism’s anxieties.

As leftists, they naturally focus on the relationship between material conditions and people’s behaviors and beliefs. This is an important part of the discourse on conspiratorialism that’s often missing from liberal and right-wing analysis.

Conspiracists aren’t just “irrational” nor are they just “racist.” They may be both of those things, but unless you look at material conditions, then the surges and retreats of conspiracism are mysterious phenomena, strange tides raised by unseen forces.

A decade ago, then-PM David Cameron — the architect of a brutal, authoritarian austerity — dismissed the Hackney Riots as “criminality pure and simple,” and demanded a ban on discussion of the relationship between austerity and unrest.

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/video/2011/aug/09/david-cameron-riots-criminality-video

But without that discussion, there’s no explanation. Even if you believe that “criminality” is a thing that is latent within some or all of us, what explains a rise or fall in that criminality? Is it like pollen that alights upon some of us, turning us bad? Or the full moon?

Likewise the “conspiracists are just racists” or “they’re just deranged.” Without looking at the material world, there’s no explanation for why that racism suddenly became more (or less) important to how conspiracists live their lives.

We can’t talk about conspiratorialism without talking about material considerations, and we have to talk about the form and substance of the conspiratorial belief. The ARG-like structure of Qanon is a hugely important part of its popularity:

https://pluralistic.net/2020/08/05/behavioral-v-contextual/#adrian-hon

Memeing things into existence in a game-like way is hugely compelling. You can tell when a D&D game is hopping when the players and the DM start co-creating the story, with the DM slyly altering the dungeon and the NPCs to match the players’ super-cool theories.

A recent episode of the CGACG podcast present a mind-blowing analysis of the interplay of the material conditions, mythology and structure of Qanon. It’s a two-part interview with Wu Ming 1:

https://soundcloud.com/reimaginevalue/wuming-one-1?in=reimaginevalue/sets/unmanageablerisks

https://soundcloud.com/reimaginevalue/wuming-one-2?in=reimaginevalue/sets/unmanageablerisks

Wu Ming 1 is part of Bologna’s Wu Ming Collective, the successor to the 1990s Luther Bissett net-art collective. Bissett did many wild, weird things,including publishing “Q,” an internationally bestselling conspiratorial novel in 1999 (!!)

https://www.wumingfoundation.com/giap/what-is-the-wu-ming-foundation/

The plot of “Q” involves a high-level government official, privy to top-secret info about a state conspiracy. It closely mirrors Qanon beliefs, right down to a call for a Jan 6 uprising (!!!!). The major difference is that “Q” is set during the Protestant Reformation.

In the interview, Wu Ming 1 talks about the proliferation of conspiratorial, ARG-like 4chan hoaxes that predated Qanon, and hypothesizes that the original Q posts were plagiarized from the novel.

The strange experience of seeing a novel turn into a cult prompted Ming 1 to write “La Q di Qomplotto” (“The Q in Qonspiracy”), a book that defines and analyzes “conspiracy fantasies.”

https://edizionialegre.it/product/la-q-di-qomplotto/

Ming 1’s interview digs into this in some depth, including setting out criterial for distinguishing conspiracies from fantasies (for example, a conspiracy doesn’t go on forever, while a fantasy can imagine the Knights Templar running the world for centuries).

I was taken by Ming 1’s discussion of the role that “enchantment” plays in conspiratorialism — the feeling of being in a magical and wondrous (if also anxious and terrible) place. He says this is why “debunkers” fail — they’re like people who spoil a magic trick.

Ming 1 and the hosts talk about replacing the enchantment of conspiratorialism with a counter-enchantment, grounded not in the conspiratorialist’s oversimplification and essentialism, but in the wonder of reality.

Ming 1 analogizes his “counter-enchantment” to the “double-wow” method of Penn and Teller: first they blow you away with a trick, and then they blow you away with the cleverness by which it was accomplished.

He describes how the Luther Bissett collective performed a double-wow during Italy’s Satanic Panic, creating a hoax satanic heavy metal cult and a counter-cult, promulgating stories of their pitched battles, then revealing how they’d faked the whole thing.

The action was taken in solidarity with actual Bolognese heavy metal fans who’d been framed for imaginary Satanic “crimes.” Luther Bissett wanted to demonstrate how a panic could be created from nothing, to reveal the method behind the real hoax with a fake hoax.

The double-wow method reminds me of Richard Dawkins’ manuever in “The Magic of Reality,” his excellent children’s book about the virtues of the scientific world, revealing how the numinous wonder of faith is nothing compared to the wonder of science.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Magic_of_Reality

The idea that conspiratorialism is a leading indicator of capitalism’s anxieties is a powerful one, and it ties into other compelling accounts of conspiracy, like Anna Merlan’s REPUBLIC OF LIES, which discusses the importance of trauma to conspiratorial belief.

Like Ming 1, Merlan stresses the kernel of truth underpinning conspiracy fantasies — the real aerospace coverups that make UFO conspiracies plausible, the real pharmaceutical conspiracies to cover up harms from drugs that underpin anti-vax.

https://memex.craphound.com/2019/09/21/republic-of-lies-the-rise-of-conspiratorial-thinking-and-the-actual-conspiracies-that-fuel-it/

In the podcast, Ming 1 and the hosts stress the importance of identifying and addressing the kernel of truth and the trauma it produces in any counter-conspiratorial work — that is, a successful counter-enchantment must address the material conditions behind the fantasy.

I really like this approach because of its empathy — its attempt to connect with the conditions that produce behaviors and beliefs, not to be confused with sympathy, which might excuse their toxic and hateful nature.

It reminds me a lot of Oh No Ross and Carrie, whose hosts have spent years joining cults and religions and digging into fringe practices and beliefs in an effort to understand them; they laugh a lot, but never AT their subjects.

https://ohnopodcast.com/

But Ming 1 brings something new to this discussion: an analysis of the role that novels have played in conspiracy fantasy formation: not just the plagiarizing of “Q” to make Qanon, but things like the Protocols of the Elders of Zion plagiarizing Dumas.

The interview also brought to mind Edward Snowden’s recent inaugural blog-post, “Conspiracy: Theory and Practice,” which seeks to separate conspiracy practice (e.g. the NSA spying on everyone) from theories (what Ming 1 calls “fantasies”).

https://edwardsnowden.substack.com/p/conspiracy-pt1

Snowden connects the feeling of powerlessness to the urge to explain the world through conspiracies, relating this to his experience of revealing one of the world’s most far-reaching real conspiracies, and then becoming the subject of innumerable conspiracy fantasies.

Snowden’s perspective is one that has heretofore been missing from conspiracy discourse — the perspective of someone who has been part of a real conspiracy and then the central subject of a constellation of bizarre and widespread conspiratorial beliefs.

These different works, focusing as they do on the character of conspiratorial beliefs, the nature of conspiratorial practice, and material conditions of conspiracists, comprise a richer analysis of our screwed-up discourse than, say, theories about “online radicalization.”

As I wrote in my 2020 book “How to Destroy Surveillance Capitalism,” the “online radicalization” narrative requires that you accept Big Tech’s unsupported marketing claims about its power to bypass our critical thoughts at face value.

https://onezero.medium.com/how-to-destroy-surveillance-capitalism-8135e6744d59

Claims to be able to control our minds — whether made by Rasputin, Mesmer, pick-up artists, MK-ULTRA or NLP enthusiasts — always turn out to be cons (though sometimes the con artists are also conning themselves).

But there’s a much more plausible, less controversial set of powers that Big Tech possesses. By spying on us all the time, it can help scammers target people who are ready to hear conspiratorial explanations.

By monopolizing our discourse, it allows SEO scammers to create default answers to our questions. By locking us in, it can keep us using a platform even if the discourse there makes us angry and anxious.

And by corrupting our political process, it creates “kernels of truth” for conspiratorial beliefs.

As with Scooby Doo, the monster turns out to be a familiar villain in a fright mask: a monopolist whose abuses and impunity create the anxiety that make conspiracy plausible.

[sugiwa]

Hi. I am the Advice Anon. Please ignore those asks! I am so sorry for spamming your ask box. I still need help, so I’ll paste the entire thing over here. Again, sorry and thank you! Have a great day!

My reply and the full ask are below:

Hello! I hope you’ve been having a great day so far. This is probably unlike all of the other asks you get on a daily basis, author. However, I am in dire need of help, and I have turned to you. Before I begin, I want to apologize in advance, as this ask is going to be long. Now, like I said before, I need some help. You see, I am a freshman in high school, and school hasn’t even been going on for a full 10 weeks (a quarter), and I am already in a huge, messy, sticky situation. You probably already know that in high school, you need a certain number of credits in each field to be able to graduate. I am going to be extremely vague about this because it doesn’t really matter, and I’d really like to remain anonymous, if you know what I mean. One of the fields is World Languages and Visual Arts. Obviously, I am not talented enough to do Visual Arts, so I opted for World Languages instead. My teacher for the course I chose this year… she’s nice. Really kind, and I love that she makes learning a whole new language and culture, which is extremely hard, so much fun. And the fact that she’s one of the nicest teachers I know makes the rest of this so, so painful for me. 4 days ago, for me, was a Thursday. In this class, we had a vocab quiz that day (background info: two days before every quiz, my teacher posts a practice quiz to be done before class starts). I don’t really want to discuss what happened, as it still brings tears to my eyes, but I will give you a vague summary of what was going on. Basically, I couldn’t access my quiz (it was online), so my teacher told me to come in after school to re-do it. I was supposed to close down my computer and work on homework from another class, but instead of doing so, I worked on the practice quiz. And… this was considered cheating, because I was getting extra practice in before taking the quiz– something that the other students didn’t get, you know? My teacher saw my computer screen, and told me that she’d talk to me after school, and she’d be calling home. I couldn’t concentrate for the rest of the class, because I was afraid of what might happen when she called home. After school, she told me to speak with her, and be honest about it. When cheating happens, at our school, the teacher will write us up for Academic Dishonesty and give it to the administration, who then decides the consequences. My teacher had told me that if I was honest with her, she wouldn’t write my up; she’d just give me a zero on the quiz and call home and tell them what I did. I was honest with her, because like I said before, I was afraid. Once I told her everything that happened, she told me that I could call home, let them know what happened myself, and I’d be off the hook (with a zero on the quiz, of course). So, I called home, like she had asked of me, but… they didn’t pick up. I told her that they didn’t pick up, and she told me that it was fine, and that she’d talk to my parents in-person before they picked me up from school. I’m not going to lie, that terrified me more than calling home. I don’t really remember what happened after that, because I was too busy crying, but I do remember that she mentioned something about me doing this before, and that it was not OK to do it the second time, but she’d let me off the hook. The thing is, I am 100% sure I haven’t done this before… or maybe she just didn’t approach me the first time. I told her that I didn’t do this before, and she told me that I was lying again, and began to write me up. I told her that I didn’t mean to do this, and that I was sorry, but she told me to stop lying. She said that she DID approach me the first time I did this, and that I was rude to her then. This brought tears to my eyes– my kind of favorite teacher telling me that I was rude to her. You see, I didn’t grow up here, and although I’ve lived here for 4 years, I am not used to the way people interact here. It was very different where I grew up. For example, you didn’t ask each other how their day was, or what they did during their day, unless you were REALLY curious or concerned, because that was considered nosy and rude. So, I tend to be unintentionally rude, and completely oblivious to it; I have no idea when I’m being rude or not, unless someone specifically says so. I also don’t really understand people well, so that’s a huge problem. So… hearing this from her, really hurt. I told her that I didn’t intend to be rude, and I was trying my best to change (I mean, I was & am reading a book to teach me etiquette and all), and she replied with “that’s good to hear”. Then, when my parents came to pick me up, she talked to them, and even asked one of my parents to walk with us to the Administration Office to turn in the write up. Stuff happened, I got called into the Assistant Principal’s office, and now I have a zero on my quiz (and my homework activity that I never finished), Saturday School, and a black mark on my record. But the thing is… that’s not what I’m concerned about at all. Sure, getting my grades up in time for Progress Reports is going to be an extremely hard task, and Saturday School is going to leave a huge black mark on my record, but that’s not what I’m worried about. My grades have been fractured, but so has my relationship with this teacher. I feel as though she hates me now, that she has lost all trust in me. (Background info: our school does Odd and Even days, so I have half of my classes on one day and half on the other, so that means that I didn’t face my teacher at all on Friday) 3 days ago, on Friday, when I went to school, it was an average day. It would have been an amazing day, had it not been for the situation I was in. All I could think about that day was my World Language teacher. And just thinking about her, and about that classroom, it… gives me a bit of anxiety. This is where I need your help. What would you do if you were in my situation? I really want to repair my relationship with my teacher, because I know that she’s really important; we’re going to be on the same campus for the next 4 years of my life, and even more importantly, she’s going to be my teacher for the next 8 months. I want to graduate with good grades, but more importantly, I want to graduate without holding a grudge against my teacher. I want her to like me, and I want to gain her trust again. Today is a Sunday for me, and I have to go back to school tomorrow, and I have her class then. A part of me is really scared to go to school, a part of me is really angry at my teacher for reporting me (even though it was the right thing to do), and a part of me wants to ditch school tomorrow, or even drop out or transfer from her course, all because I don’t want to face her after I did the wrong thing. It’s not only that, either. I’ve also been avoiding my friends. Would you like to know why I am confiding in awesome strangers on the internet anonymously instead of letting my friends know what’s going on? It’s because I’m afraid that they won’t like me anymore, and they’d ditch me or something. They’re amazing people, and I know that they won’t do that, but a part of me is still paranoid. I’ve been avoiding my friends since Friday, barely talking to them at school, and texting them a little bit in our group chat. They don’t really suspect anything, but that’s good. And that’s why I am asking you. Not just you, but actually anyone who sees this, if they helped me, I’d really appreciate it. I really need help moving forward in this situation, and I’m desperate for help. My parents don’t understand the situation I’m in, and I’m too scared to talk to my friends about it, so I’d really appreciate the help. It’s OK if you don’t reply to this, author. I know that this doesn’t affect you in any way, so you’re not obliged to help me. I’d like to thank you for taking the time from your day to read these extremely long asks. Have a great day. P.S: I absolutely love What Heroes Do! Izumi is such a well written character, and sometimes, I see myself in her. The way she handles situations is so inspirational! And your writing skills are top-tier! My best friend and I actually started writing a book 4 years ago (I mean, we wrote for one month in 6th grade, and then spent one day in 8th grade editing it, and we’ve only got a prologue and 1.5 chapters done, so… clearly, we aren’t doing a good job lol), and you’ve inspired me to go back to that book and re-do it! Thank you so much for being such an inspiration and an idol of mine! Ilysm ❤️

sugiwa:

I wanted to take the  proper time to reply to this. I think any adult willing to hold a grudge against a child is in the wrong. You clearly made a mistake and are now taking steps to improve and learn from it. Additionally, I think teachers tend to forget how much stress students are under in their academic and private lives, so a mistake should be used as an opportunity to teach not punish. I don’t think that you should worry about what this teacher thinks of you. Your teacher didn’t believe you, despite you telling them the truth. No matter how kind or nice someone is, their behavior towards you will always reflect their inner thoughts. If you’ve clearly made a mistake, you should fight to prove that. It’s not as if you intended to ‘cheat,’ given the situation we’re all in with the pandemic, online classes and quizzes are the norm. These kinds of things probably happen regularly. Additionally. I don’t think you need to concern yourself with being rude. My culture is rather blunt and when I first moved here, people weren’t fans of brutal honesty, so it was a big cultural shock.  If people aren’t willing to learn about your culture and understand, then I don’t think they’re people worth hanging out with. Lean on your friends, I don’t think they’d make a big deal over a couple of mistakes and if they do, then it might be worth reconsidering why you were friends with them. 

Thank you for your kind words about the story and I really hope everything works out for you!!

[galacticlamps]

Tagged by @the--highlanders​ ! Thanks!

How many works do you have on AO3?

13

What’s your total AO3 word count?

76,200

(oh what a nice even number - I should try to mess that up as soon as possible, shouldn’t I?)

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Aw man is this intentionally worded to be really hard to answer? I get that it says ‘written’ and not ‘posted’ but then what constitutes a ‘fandom?’ I definitely wrote fics for stuff I was interested in long before I even knew the word ‘fic’ - I did it throughout my childhood, and then in high school, and while I didn’t do it as much in college, it still happened from time to time. So a lot of the books/movies/tv shows/plays/musicals I wrote things for aren’t really fandoms, and frankly, I had to check my old folder just now to even remember some of them existed. I’ll just list the ones that I know for sure had fandoms, since that’s more fun (and embarrassing), right?

Obviously Doctor Who, classic and modern, Torchwood, Sherlock Holmes (ironically more of these seem to be about the books, but yes, I will admit, some for that tv show too), Les Mis, a couple different Marvel comics & movies, Good Omens, hell, I even found a Night Vale fic in there just now.

And I know there are other older things not even in that folder, some of which never made it to a computer at all, so if I had to ballpark a number I’d probably say around 25ish but really, who knows?

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Across the Gap

On the Spot

Expectations

Shards of Memories & Fragments of Glass

Itemized

(this was fun, I’d never noticed Ao3 even had a stats page until now lol)

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I try to! Sometimes I take a long time to do so but for the most part, I usually get around to it. The rare exception would be if I first saw the comment when I was super busy/distracted and then felt like way too much time passed before I noticed it again, that it might be awkward if I said something at that point.

I do genuinely enjoy hearing what people think, but I’m also weirdly terrified of making anyone feel like they have to reply to my comments. I know that’s probably a little strange, but it’s actually a large part of why I made this Ao3 account in the first place - my original one, from high school, is followed by some long-time friends of mine who aren’t interested in this fandom, some of whom are involved in art & writing professionally. The thought of anyone like that reading something I wrote out of friendliness or even just curiosity and potentially having to pretend they liked it for the same reasons stressed me tf out, so I like having this virtually anonymous one because I can relax knowing that anyone who reads or interacts with something I wrote has probably done so only because they wanted to, rather than feeling obligated, and there’s no pressure on them to be nice to me about it if anything I write or post annoys them - so I really hope nobody who does just know me as an anonymous blog has ever worried about offending me by not replying to something, trust me, I’m perfectly happy with it!

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

I don’t think I’ve really written any angsty endings? I guess the answer would have to be Reckless just because it involves the characters arguing about sad/weighty things and there isn’t really any solution to those issues - but even then I think I ended it with a kind of acceptance that stops it from really qualifying as angst? I also set it in the the same universe as other fics, so maybe that doesn’t even count as an ending? Am I that bad at ending things on angst? Lol

Do you write crossovers? If so what’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Obviously none of the fics I’ve posted are crossovers but I’m trying to think now if any of my WIP’s are - I’ve definitely poached setting/premise ideas from other media, but in terms of actual crossovers . . . I’ve got a few cross-era or cross-Doctor, a few involving Torchwood, but that’s already the same universe, so the only thing that’d qualify as a true crossover would be some vague pieces of a fic where Jamie, Zoe, and Two end up on the Enterprise, since I think the 60s series of Star Trek and Dr Who feel kind of compatible, don’t they? In fact, aren’t there like officially licensed crossover comics or something? Or did I make that up? Idk, and the ideas are very loose, so it’s not much of a WIP either

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Nope, never

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

I’ve never written smut, but I’m wondering if it’s possible that could change soon. There’s a longish multi-chapter fic I’ve been working on for a frankly embarrassing amount of time, and the plot does call for a sex scene at one point towards the end, but I can’t seem to make up my mind on how - uh, I guess the word is explicit? - it should get. I know I could easily do a fade to black/implication thing, but it’s kind of a source of contention and anxiety for the characters, so to skip over writing the actual scene and just revisit them afterwards rings of “and they slept together and now everything’s fine!” which feels kinda cheap to me - in this context, anyway - and not the right payoff for a long fic that’s otherwise more of an interpersonal drama/slightly a period piece, if I had to place it in a genre. I feel like my aversion to actually writing the scene might just be prudishness I should get over, or maybe just self-doubt, because I know I’d rather have a well-written, funny, character-development-supporting sex scene than nothing at all, but since I’ve never had any interest in writing a scene like that before, I don’t know if I can do it well, and I also don’t want to ruin a fic I’m otherwise proud of by doing it badly... ugh I have to figure this out

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I seriously doubt it

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope

What’s your all time favorite ship?

I mean, it’s gotta be Two & Jamie. I’ve shipped things before with varying levels of investment, but I’ve never been able to use the term ‘otp’ in a literal sense until I came across them, and now it’s already basically gone out of fashion, go figure!

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

I’m not sure if I have one? My WIP doc is huge, but I don’t actually intend to get around to finishing everything in it, so I’d like to think that anything I’ve currently singled out to complete can actually get done.

That said, I do have a few AU’s that I don’t really plan to finish, but it might be cool if I could. Two of them are for all the main + some supporting characters of the Second Doctor’s era - one’s a modern day school teachers AU, and the other is a typical fantasy/fairy tale AU. Another is just Two/Jamie, based on Doctor Faustus (specifically the Marlowe play version) but right now there are two different versions of the ending coexisting in my head. I’ve written parts of scenes & some gen. backstory for all of those ideas, but I don’t know if I’ll ever try to finish them, or what form a finished product would even take - a series of one-shots set in the same universe? one long multi-chapter fic with some kind of overarching plot? And the amount of context/worldbuilding a big AU like these would require might not make them very appealing fics for people to read, so maybe it is better if I just keep them to myself, since in my head I already know what’s going on in those worlds lol.

What are your writing strengths?

I honestly don’t know. I haven’t had a creative writing class since middle school, and since then I’ve only ever shown creative writing to others in a fandom context, so it’s been a while since I’ve discussed it or gotten critical feedback. I suppose when I work in other arts or even academic writing contexts, people usually say I’m kind of insightful or at least detail oriented, which might just be another way of saying I overthink things, but I like to imagine I’m decent at finding little points of interest to expand upon.

What are your writing weaknesses?

If you’ve read this far I feel like you must know what I’m about to say: I do not know how to be concise.

Usually when I’m writing a fic, I put down the dialogue first on its own, leaving out the action of the scene and whatever plot/context led there, even if I’ve already figured all of that out. But then when I go to add those things in, they’re always longer than I wanted them to be. I don’t mind writing something long, but I don’t want my fics to be a slog to get through either, and there can be a point at which the stuff I’ve added for context overwhelms the stuff that I wanted the fic to be about in the first place, so it becomes a structural/proportion issue too. I haven’t completely given up on any fics because of this yet, but there’s one I’ve been struggling with for a couple months now - probably because I’m even second-guessing myself on which scenes need to be written out and which can just be referenced like a recap. Hopefully I figure that one out soon.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

((this is karma isn’t it? i posted a fic last week with two words of gaelic in it and was worried about that and now this is karma))

In general, I don’t want to do it. I feel like you’ve gotta have a really good grasp of a language to write dialogue & speech patterns for someone who’s a native speaker, and since I’m far from fluent in any language the characters I write for are, I wouldn’t feel confident writing any significant amount of dialogue in, say, Gaelic.

As a sidenote, though, I kinda love it when other people do it, particularly for Jamie. Irish (Gaeilge) and Scottish (Gàidhlig) are both languages I’ve wanted to learn for a long time, because my family’s fresh out of living speakers of either & I think that’s a shame, but I started with Irish and at the moment I’m still very much learning it. As different as they are, it still helps me understand parts of lyrics or texts that I come across in Gàidhlig fairly frequently, so when it comes up in a fic I get to feel like I’m being responsible and practicing, and it’s great when I can actually understand what’s being said.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

I’m gonna go with Harry Potter even though that’s probably not a perfectly accurate answer - it’s almost certainly the first thing that has a fandom that I ever wrote for, but it was in a notebook when I was a kid and never something that I even typed on a computer, much less posted online or shared with other members of a fandom. But even then, I’m sure it wasn’t the first pre-existing fictional universe I ever set an original story in, because I did that a lot when I was a kid, it’s just hard to remember those clearly or on any kind of timeline.

What’s your favorite fic that you’ve written?

I’m very partial to Across the Gap, so I was pleasantly surprised to see that ranked first on the kudos thing above - but I’ve also got a soft spot for So Merrily We’ll Sing. It’s so self-indulgent it feels silly saying ‘it was so easy to write!’ but I guess having a fic that’s already just 100% headcaonons and fluff tied together by a song you really love does prevent it from being much of a labor (I also managed to refrain from making that one unnecessarily long, so that’s another win there)

tagging @terryfphanatics and anyone else who wants to do it - sorry I’m bad at remembering whose tumblr goes with whose Ao3 account, but I really would be interested to read this if anyone else feels like answering them!

[vicctm]

hey look, it’s victor donavon! they’re thirty eight years old, they’ve lived in shrike heights for 2 years, and they’re currently working as the hr director. i heard they’re pretty uncompromising, but i think they’re so passionate at the same time. can they make it out alive?

Biography

{TW: Violence, parental death, alcoholism, marijuana}

Victor Donavon, born in 1949, date unknown, in California. Adopted first son of Bernard and Carol Donavon, a wealthy couple in love. For the first 12 years of his life, Victor was the apple of his parents eyes. A genius when it came to academics and numbers, he received praise both in school and from family for his intellect. He got anything he wanted, and every summer was a trip somewhere new. Was he spoiled? Perhaps a bit, but who wouldn’t spoil their only child if they could

Everything came crashing down with the birth of his brother Jerimiah when he was 12 years old. Suddenly he wasn’t his parents pride and joy anymore, he felt more like an after thought than anything else after a few years. Nothing he did seemed to phase them, whether it was good or bad, he’d get a wave of the hand and some cash to solve his troubles. He was obsolete, an old model they didn’t need anymore. He graduated top of his class, and the only person that was their was his grandmother. Jeremiah did give him an adorable macaroni art piece of the two of them though, which he still has.

He moves to New York for college, business and management classes, anything to get away from a house where he felt like an outsider with everyone but a kid. He learns about himself, and falls in love with a boy he meets in a street. His name is Hugh and he convinces Victor to start writing like he’s always wanted to. Victor is close to confessing his love for him nearing his 20th birthday when he gets a call that changes his life. His short lived freedom is just that, short lived, as he receives news of his parents death. Parents he hasn’t talked to or heard from in almost two years.

He returns home hollow, and sorts out the affairs of his parents estate in a daze. He puts half of it in a trust for Jerimiah. He doesn’t even touch his half for over a decade. He doesn’t return to New York, he’s a different person now and he’s got Jerimiah to take care of. They settle down in Seattle, and develop a new normal. All Victor does is work and raise Jerimiah, dreams of writing gone and repressed along with memories of Hugh. But it’s okay with him because Jerimiah needs to him more than Victor needs a break. He starts to spiral due to stress, and gets meaner due to it. Him and Jerimiah are constantly at each others throats. It takes Jerimiah crying and shoving him into a table, only 17 years old, threatening to leave and never come back for him to get the help he needs, to deal with what happened to their family. 

Jerimiah moves to go to medical school, it’s hard for both of them, having relied on each other for so long. Victor is 35 years old and has no friends and no life and hasn’t ever done anything for himself in over 15 years, and he stands at the airport where Jerimiah just left for Massachusetts. He remembers standing at the airport in New York in the middle of the night, and then he remembers Hugh and the two years they spent creating together. He realizes he could write now, if it wasn’t too late then it couldn’t be too late now. 

He’s in Shrike Height’s half a year later, an apartment just for himself in a quiet town that can give him solace to write. He still works, wouldn’t be able to function without the ritual of it. At first for a warehouse and distribution center, but he only makes one friend there, who hates it as much as he does. Through them, he learns that Shrike Mall is hiring for their own HR department soon, and decides that a mall would be much more interesting than a paper company. He’s got 13 years of experience, and lands the job easily. 

Personality:

Victor is very rigid with most people, though that's really because he’s never taken the time to socialize before. He always took his job in HR so seriously he wouldn’t even mention he had a brother to coworkers in the past. However, he’s since mellowed out and has been attempting to be better about this. He’s a great conversationalist once he becomes comfortable with someone. 

Once you get to know him he’s very caring, and his love language is physical touch. He doesn’t care about people he isn’t close to, at all. Though he’s a bit touch starved because the only person he’s been close with recently was his brother, and a few short lived flings back in Seattle. He also has a tendency towards buying things for people he likes, and passing it off as though he just had to get rid of it. 

Once he decides something it’s very rare that he changes his mind. He never thought twice about taking in his brother, and he trusts in his own judgement more than he cares to consider anyone else’s opinion on his life, or things he has control over.

Has a well hidden sweet tooth, but would deny it to his grave.

Likes to smoke weed on occasion, especially if he’s having writers block or just wants to relax and wine isn’t cutting it. 

Victors all time favorite genre to both read and write is horror, and while he came to Shrike Heights to get inspiration to write his first book, he never expected this. He’s an observer at heart, and is more intrigued by the reason and motive of the killers and why it’s all happening at once at the moment, than he is with the deadly consequences.

Wants to fall in love and is a romantic deep down, but doesn’t know if he should open himself up like that in Shrike Heights because he isn’t sure he’ll remain living here longer than a few years. He is still on the fence, and deciding how much he likes Shrike Heights and its antics. 

Is becoming more and more susceptible to peer pressure because he is in fact very lonely

Connections!

Apartment neighbors/floormates

Fwb: Someone he would’ve met before getting the HR job, at a bar within his first few months of coming into town. This is so we could maybe have some drama of the fact that he’s in the HR dept for the mall now and they also work there, which is something he wouldve written someone else up a few years ago

Smoke buddies

down to spit ball as well :)

[59writes]

THE DRAW (PART ONE)

(PART TWO)

if you’re reading this as like an actual fic: first of all I’m sorry. how did you end up here. it’s most definitely 2 am go to bed. this fic was literally made because of a fucking uquiz about “ what kpop boy are you enemies to lovers with”

second of all, ignore any chess mistakes. idk I know legit fuckall about chess, my brother just always bitches about it whenever I want to stop playing because I just have my king left or smth like that because I know I’ve lost. mf reads chess books.

like look: I UNDERSTAND the game and how it works, and the idea that you have to think ahead and plan. but I’m adhd as shit and there’s no such thing as time or planning. ergo, I suck. like I SUCK. I feel like if I applied myself I’d be great but fuck that. I’m a bad chess player and y’all gotta deal.

third: I mention League Of Legends at one point. I’m so cringe yes shut up ok but I’ve been special interest-ing League for several months now and I need to let you know that Josh, y/n, and Jeonghan play a mean jungler/adc/support combo (respectively). I have so many more headcanons typed in my draft or whatever but I know nobody wants to see it so

anyways pls enjoy this train wreck of a fic lol

If you had known playing chess would have led to this bullshit, you never would have started playing in the first place.

You wouldn’t have worked your ass off, wouldn’t have pored through strategy books and watched live-streamed games, wouldn’t have competed for months to become an official grandmaster. Absolutely not. None of that hard work and pride deserved to be wasted on Yoon Jeonghan.

Thanks to your exceptional academics and study habits, as well as your headlining pursuits in chess, private schools crawled to your front door and begged for you to give them money just so they could brag about having you as arm candy. You didn’t care. It was free scholarships, a chance to leave your tiny town, a chance to start anew with people just like you. If you were lucky, they wouldn’t know your fame status, or would be used to the junk by now. Some would probably be even more popular than you.

So you grabbed a paper, scribbled a signature on, and packed your bags.

You had picked an academy for the arts, as logic games apparently counted as one. They figured they could do something with your whimsical essay writing as well, submit you in scholastic contests. It didn’t matter. You were free, and there to play some goddamn chess.

They had a hardcore club there, meeting daily on weekdays and occasionally for casual play on the weekends. Everyone there was excellent, all clever players with quick logic and a competitive edge that you hadn’t seen in a while. It was refreshing, but still not enough of a challenge.

You swept the floor with your classmates, and rose to the top of the club’s rankings within a week.

Of course you lost games here and there, as everyone did, but for the most part any game you began was imbalanced from the beginning. Your opponent could at best only defend themselves, only able to pick off pawns or bait bishops that inevitably ended in a brutal checkmate.

You were top of the class, and for once it took some effort. You felt like you’d earned something, and you were actually interacting with serious chess players who wanted to learn, not fawn over your work. They played fair and every game was fun.

That was until the blond bitch came in.

He sauntered into the class about a month after you’d hit the top of the leaderboard, long blond hair tied back in a neat and slick ponytail. You barely noticed, immersed in a game with another boy, Joshua. You studied the board as your opponent looked up, grinning wildly.

“Jeonghan!” He called out, waving at the other boy.

Jeonghan’s ponytail whipped across his shoulder as he turned, matching Josh’s smile with a killer beam of his own and jogging over.

“‘Shua!” He chirped, playfully wrapping an arm around Joshua’s neck, strangling him while his other hand smooshed Josh’s hair around.

You watched them wrestle for a second before clearing your throat. “Josh, your move.”

“Aw shit.” Josh says, wrestling Jeonghan’s arm away from his shoulder. “Back to the ass kicking.”

You grin. “If you hadn’t made that dumb move literally third turn in-“

“Hey! We are NOT talking about that!”

You snort and glance at Jeonghan, who’s gone quiet, studying the board. He crouches down and whispers in Josh’s ear, both of them scanning the board. Josh finally nods, pushing one of his pawns forward.

“What was that about, Hong?” You ask, capturing said pawn with a neat L from your knight.

“Nothing.” He replies sweetly, while Jeonghan smirks.

“Sure it wasn’t.”

Josh doesn’t reply. The rest of the game is tensely quiet, interrupted only by Jeonghan murmuring into Joshua’s ear every few minutes, a devil on his shoulder.

But it was fine, you were ahead by a few pieces, your bishops slowly inching towards a checkmate. The next move was it, the game in the bag.

And then your queen is gone.

Jeonghan takes the liberty of removing it from the board with a proud smile while Joshua cackles.

The game doesn’t last much longer, soon the both of you down to just pawns and your king, and then just the kings. A draw.

And let’s be honest here: Joshua kinda sucks at chess.

Josh counted it as a victory, though, hitting Jeonghan with a high five that echoed around the classroom like a firecracker. The boys talked briefly while you set up the board again for the next duo and packed your bag, ready to head to your dorm for a much-needed nap.

You wave to Joshua and turn to go, only making it a few steps before someone grabs your wrist. You whip around, ready to tell them off, only to be met with Jeonghan interrupting whatever swear you were about to say with a sharp smile.

“I’m playing you on Monday.”

He lets go of your wrist and turns around, resuming his talk with Josh as if nothing happened.

Rubbing your wrists ruefully, you headed home.

•••

Of course, his bullshit didn’t stop there.

You did, in fact, play him on Monday. He had you cornered within five minutes.

The next time, in four.

He gathered a crowd a few games in. Every time you’d meet his gaze he’d smirk, eyes brimming with some sort of superiority that made you furious, always endlessly cool and calm. He’d flick his hair over his shoulder every so often, even stopping to talk to spectators while you puzzled over the board, trying to hide your stress.

You were second place by Wednesday.

•••

“You cheated.”

Jeonghan just raises a brow.

“Put the rook back.” You growl, firm.

“Sorry?” He ignores your request, instead poking at one of your previously captured pawns he has resting on the table next to him. “Can you move? I’ve almost got checkmate.”

“My rook, Yoon.” You hold out your hand. “Give it back, or put it back yourself. H6.”

“I really don’t know what you’re talking about. Do you resign? If we were using a timer you’d have been disqualified sometime last week.”

It’s taking every ounce of self control to not slap the living shit out of the smug bastard. “Jeonghan, if you don’t-“

“How’s the game going here?” The chess club leader had made her way to your table, grinning widely upon seeing her favorite students.

Jeonghan smiles kindly at her while you curl in on yourself, trying not to explode. “It’s fine, Ms. Lee. Almost done with this one.”

“Are you missing a piece? Looks like the black rook-“

“Must have fallen off the table.” Jeonghan chirps, ducking under the table and returning with the piece in hand. He sets it with the rest of his captured black army, sending a thumbs up at Ms. Lee. “Thanks for noticing, we don’t need to lose any more pieces.” It’s an innocent sentence, but it makes you turn a boiling red. Lose a piece, my ass.

“Well played, both of you.” She replies, patting Jeonghan on the head fondly before walking off. The blond rolls his eyes, ducking his head so Ms. Lee can’t see.

“Jeonghan, you asshole.” You hiss as soon as Ms. Lee is out of earshot. “I saw you take it out of your pocket, you lying-“

“If you’re not moving, I’m going to.” Jeonghan replies, moving his bishop forward to capture your queen. “Checkmate. Good game.”

You can only gape as he grabs your hand to shake it and walks off, approaching Joshua.

That was when you really knew you hated him.

•••

You studied his games from then on, partially to learn, partially to gather evidence. If he was cheating this consistently with other players, you could definitely get him kicked out of the club and subsequently your life once competition season started, as well as learn and potentially steal his strategies.

Infuriatingly, though, every single game he played besides the hellish ones with you were completely fair. No pieces being slipped into his thin hands when nobody was looking, no clock taps that discreetly took a few seconds from his opponent’s timer. Even with Josh, who he was best buddies with: not even a joking steal or a prank of any kind.

It was just with you.

Every single game you played together, he managed to do something to piss you off, if not blatantly cheat. If it was one of the days you had spectators, his harassment would come in the form of heavy looks and obnoxious “I’m waiting”-esque moves: tapping his nails on the desk, raising a brow, checking his watch.

And if you were alone, you basically had to glue your pieces down to the board to stop them from slipping their way into his pockets. It was obvious when he did it, too, always sending you a smile, too innocent.

It was infuriatingly adorable how proud he was of his nasty behavior. And he was focused too: none of his other opponents got the thought and effort he put into outwitting you and attempting to steal things without you noticing. As much as you hated him, you had to admire it.

Which is why it was so hard to finally draw a line and refuse to play with him anymore.

Though he shrugged when you put your foot down, his dark eyes watched you the rest of that club session. Every time you caught him, he held your gaze for a moment before looking away and resuming cheerfully animated conversation with his opponent.

God, how was he so easily likeable?

He respected your decision, though, and didn’t even attempt to talk to you. It was genuinely polar and strange, and it made you lost in thought as the months passed.

You almost missed the absence of anger, as stupid as it was. School had always been boring and simple, and chess with Jeonghan was the only thing to have made you frustrated in a long time, to have truly challenged you in a long time.

Even when you buckled down on trying to get him out of your head, he seemed to follow- being friends with Joshua (and honestly most of the other club members) almost always devolved into chats about the club and “why aren’t you playing Jeonghan anymore?”. Josh often suggested playing video games with the two of them, and you had to refuse (although playing League with Josh was so fun).

It was lonely.

Stupid Jeonghan.

•••

Finally, tournament season started.

Following (what was apparently) club tradition, the entire team dyed their hair between practices. You settled with a simple streak of blue that was stolen from Josh (he went completely teal, the madman).

The next day, Jeonghan came to practice with his blond ponytail gone, replaced by a dark brown undercut, hair bluntly chopped to end around his jaw.

Unfortunately, it suited him.

He saved a blond spot for a bit of Josh’s blue, however, and Josh dyed it for him in the middle of the clubroom, laughing the whole time. They’d planned it, clearly, as you were pretty sure Josh didn’t just carry around dye in his backpack.

Which means he knew you two would match when he did your hair.

It was confirmed by an apologetic shrug when you cornered him while he threw away the dye-stained gloves.

“Give him a chance, please y/n?”

“Hong Jisoo. You know how I feel about that dumbass-“

“y/n-“

“Why are you so insistent on having us talk again? He’s a two-faced-“

“y/n, you’d like him. He’s funny, and genuinely nice. I don’t know why he was acting like that with you, but that was almost three months ago. Give him a chance.”

“You should be glad I like you, you stupid fucking rat.”

Josh laughs as you walk away, fuming.

Unfortunately, you did like that stupid fucking rat, and so when he offered dinner after an out-of-state tournament (he pinky swore he’d pay) you finally gave in.

Jeonghan coming?

lol yea

that ok?

not rlly

I’ll give him a chance tho

:D thank u

you owe me

I’m buying ur food :(

josh we r literally getting fast food

you owe me

lol k >:)

[purplesurveys]

1279

Are you and the last person you kissed in a relationship or just friends?  I don’t keep contact.

Has anyone ever pointed out that your laugh was unusual?  Hmmmm, I don’t think so. I feel like that would be the type of comment that would get to me so I definitely would’ve remembered it.

Would you get a lip piercing?  I don’t plan on getting any piercings.

Nose piercing?  Nopes.

What are you currently waiting for?  For this fucking day to end so I can be closer to Thursday and to the weekend.

Do you have feelings for anyone?  Nah.

Have you ever run over an animal?  Nope. I’ve had extremely close calls with animals who suddenly dart into the road, but fortunately these have all been situations wherein I got to hit the brakes with nobody behind me.

Have you chewed gum after someone else already has?  That’s disgusting, no.

When people sneeze do you say ‘bless you’?  Sure, out of habit and just to be polite.

When was the last time you were on a bouncy castle?  I don’t think I’ve ever been on a bouncy castle, but I’ve been on a lot of bouncy other things haha, like inflatable slides, soccer balls, Anpanmans, etc. The last time would probably be a nearly a decade ago; I definitely haven’t been near one in a while.

Have you ever went on a bouncy castle whilst drunk?  Well no, because the ones I’ve been on were situated in school fairs, which is the last place I would want to be drunk in.

Have you ever entered an art competition?  No, I have no justification to join one haha.

What is one thing you will never do? Try hardcore drugs. < Same. 

What is one food that you detest?  Pineapples.

Did you have a rebellious phase growing up?  Yeah I was a bit of a handful to raise, but I’m in firm in my stance that it had a lot to do with the way I was raised. I grew up mostly without a father figure because my dad worked abroad and I felt neglected by my mom who had her own shit to deal with. There was no stable support system to lean on, so I ended up lashing out a lot in my puberty years. Unfortunately everyone else just saw a rebellious child and not a plea for help.

These days when I show off my achievements on social media, I’ll see congratulatory comments from my mom’s friends and she’ll usually go on about some “late bloomers grow with time” narrative and it pisses me off because nobody knows how much I’ve had to grow and mature and learn how to be happier all by myself, all from scratch. If I had just received the proper care and attention early on, I wouldn’t have had to do any catching up to begin with.

What religion were you brought up with? Roman Catholic.

Are you still that religion?  Jesus no. I darted out of there as soon as I gained the consciousness to think about these sorts of things.

Do you often find yourself questioning your future?  Sometimes, but I do my best to not let it get to me.

How many friends do you have on Facebook?  Over 670.

What sort of music did you listen to when you were in high school?  I started with punk rock in the first half of high school, so I had my Rancids, H2Os, Against Me!s, Cro-Mags, etc on my iPod. It evolved a little bit towards more indie, folksy sounds towards the latter half - Banks, alt-J, Hozier, Twenty One Pilots - which I largely attribute to the crowd I was part of at the time.

What pet names do you use with your significant other?  I’m pretty straightforward so baby works out for me. Other, more specific pet names just grow naturally with the relationship, I think.

What’s the name of the store you usually get your groceries?  S&R.

Have you ever seen a theatre show?  Yeah. Most of them have been required.

What’s your favourite vegetable?  Broccoli or bell peppers.

Have you ever missed a flight?  Never. I’ve experienced several delayed flights, though, which is always such a hassle especially if the delays happen in provincial airports since they never have any recreational offers to keep passengers from getting bored other than TVs that run the same damn five ads.

Do your neighbours have any pets? Have you ever met them?  Yeah, a lot of have dogs. I’ve met some.

What color is your bedroom door?  Brown.

If you were ever to become famous, would you grow annoyed at fans?  Only towards obsessive ones who wouldn’t give me time to breathe or would go so far so as to stalk me or my loved ones. But I am a fan too, so I imagine I would actually be understanding of those who would ask for pictures or whatever as long as they were polite and not at all intrusive.

Have you ever met your favourite band/singer?  Nah. I am terrified of meeting celebrities HAHA so I’ve always shut down the chance. I’m pretty sure I would actually turn down the chance to meet BTS if I hypothetically suddenly got the magic keys to that door.

Are you embarrassed by any of the songs/singers/bands you like?  No. I feel like that sort of thing just happens in like high school, when your friends are still a bit judgmental. Nowadays I don’t see why I should be embarrassed of anything I like, especially if it’s not hurting anyone.

Have you ever written a story?  I’ve made attempts but was always terrible.

Think of the last poem you wrote: What inspired you to write it?  My homework that required me to write said poem hahaha.

Do you have a chance with the person you like right now? 

What’s the weirdest thing you were scared of as a child?  Watching commercials at night. It’s still a slight fear of mine but it’s mostly dissipated now.

Are there any embarrassing stories your family tells about you?  About me? No. I don’t have a lot of those since I was a really shy kid who barely moved a finger anyway.

In your opinion, what is the funniest TV show?  I have a *really* soft spot for Perfect Strangers, which I actually revisited yesterday :) The show was never super popular so it’s near impossible to find clips online, but when I checked YouTube I did see a slight increase in short snippets from the show so I had a really fun time binge-watching yesterday.

What is the maximum number of children you’d ever have?  Three, but that’s pushing it. Ideally, I’d have two so my first would have company.

Have you ever been concerned you had a serious illness?  Mental ones, yes.

Are you comfortable with who you are?  For the most part, yes.

Would you date someone even if you knew you’d get made fun of for it?  No. Why would it be any of their business?

Does popularity matter to you at all?  I mean, yeah in the sense that I honestly aspire to be well-liked by as many people as possible. But I don’t necessarily want to rub shoulders with popular kids.

Would you ever consider homeschooling your children?  Continued from sometime this week ider. No. I don’t think I’m capable of teaching, and generally I’d want them to be able to learn in a more open environment where they can have regular contact with different kinds of people.

Who told you about the band/singer you are currently listening to?  Well Angela got into them first and since we’re best friends, there was a certain point where she just decided to loop me into conversations that involved them. I was impossible to sway for a long time, but then one day a video compilation of them showed up on my feed, and for some reason I actually watched it, and I watched all the way through, and I was immediately intrigued – particularly by J-Hope haha. I then asked Angela to tell me more about them and the rest was...financially irresponsible history HAHAHAHA

Do you ever read fanfiction?  OMG yes. Funny you should mention that because my favorite author uploaded a brand new fic this morning, which I obviously couldn’t get to all day because I had to go to work. I’ll be reading it in all its 44,000-word glory tonight :D

Would you rather die in a plane crash, ship wreck or fire?  Plane crash. Instant and mostly painless.

What are your top five favourite TV shows?  Breaking Bad, BoJack Horseman, Friends, The Crown even though I was never able to continue it since...andddd that’s all I got.

What is your favorite superhero movie?  Not a fan of superhero movies.

If you died next week, what would be the cause of death?  Stress from overworking. I’ve FINALLY started to consider taking a leave for the first time this year because I’ve just realized just how fucking exhausted, burned out, and overwhelmed I actually already am from having no rest at all in the last 13 months.

Have you ever taken a break from Facebook or other social media? Why?  Yes, I do mass deactivations when I’m severely depressed. These days I can’t really afford to that anymore, though, since my work is closely tied to social media.

Who is the most talented person you know?  Probably Andi.

Are you currently platonic friends with anyone you’ve had sex with?  No.

Where did you and your current interest go on your first date? 

Have you ever experienced two people fighting over you (physically or mentally)? What happened?  Nah. I’ve had two people like me at the same time, but there was never any tension to watch out for since they mostly didn’t know each other.

Have your parents ever thought you were gay? What happened?  I think they know I dated Gabie and that we broke up because they’ve stopped asking about her. Everyone knew we were best friends, so the fact that they’ve avoided her as a topic for a whole year is able to tell me something.

Are your parents more liberal or conservative?  Dad’s on the liberal side, mom dances around on the spectrum a little bit. I know she’s fine with things like tattoos and having LGBTQ+ co-workers, but she’s also conservative especially towards matters like religion.

What year are you going into at the beginning of the next academic year?  No longer in school.

How far away does your closest family member live?  A few footsteps away.

If you’ve seen both, did you prefer the Disney version or the Tim Burton version of Alice in Wonderland?  It’s not my type of movie/genre to begin with.

Would you have sex before marriage? Why or why not?  Yes. I don’t see the big deal; I’ve already done it anyway.

Are you more liberal or conservative?  Liberal.

Who is your favorite Harry Potter character?  Ooh not sure. I haven’t gone back to the books in a while, so I don’t remember if there was anyone I had an attachment to.

What’s the worst that could come out of letting gays marry?  Nothing.

What’s the most sexual thing you’ve done?  Had sex...I guess? And a bunch of stuff that comes with it.

Name something that you are against.  Racial discrimination.

Why are you against it?  Because it is infuriating to see, and it shows me the very same treatment can happen to me or my family as well and that scares me, especially since some people turn particularly violent towards people of color.

Have you ever played the Tomb Raider games?  No.

Do you like it or hate it when your partner is clingy?  I imagine I wouldn’t enjoy it if I’m not as into whoever my next partner would be.

Beatles or Rolling Stones?  I don’t listen to either.

When was the last time you changed your opinion on somebody?  Not so sure about a whole change in opinion because that hasn’t happened in a while, but I grew more grateful for my manager today because I finally mustered the strength to tell her that I’m begin to struggle mentally with work and she not only encouraged (read: begged) me to file a damn leave for once, but she also got sushi delivered to my place.

What was the last thing that made you feel proud and why?  Andi was telling me about their day today and how they handled being misgendered by a prof, who then proceeded to throw a fit when he got corrected, and how they, again, maturely handled said fit. I was proud of them because there are a million ways that incident could’ve turned out, but they dealt with it in an extremely mature and calm manner considering they were the one who was wronged.

Do you feel uncomfortable when people you hardly know confide in you?  If it was about an extremely personal problem I would probably be taken aback at first, but I still would definitely make some time for them and help in however way I can, since they apparently trust me enough to confide.

What was the last thing to fascinate you?  The music video for My Universe! Super cool to watch and I love that they made a short film out of it too.

Is there a certain noise/sound which scares you?  Doors being slammed shut, because that’s what my mom does when she’s furious. She did that when I was a kid and she does it to this day, so I get extremely nervous when I hear the sound, even if it happens by accident.

Do you have a favourite microorganism? Nope.

Out of the people you know, whose birthday is next?  My cousin Bree.

If you have pet fish do you bother to name them?  I did when I had them as a kid.

Do you keep your eggs in the fridge?  Yes?

Have you ever owned chickens?  Nope.

When did you last listen to music?  Like five minutes ago. I tried to have a jazz playlist on but I realized I wasn’t in the mood for music so I changed my background noise to have a random VLive on instead. 

[coldcolourchords]

Turning 21 - an unwanted landmark

It happened an hour and 20 minutes ago, as the clock hit midnight CEST and the date changed so seamlessly to the 12th, without any hesitation, uneventfully and in complete silence, just as expected. The day I've been negatively anticipating for the better half of the past one year has come, and it caught me sitting at my computer alone in the living room, drinking hot tea on a summer night in a sweater and doing my silly little tasks that I call "work" (because despite my best efforts, middle of the night is still the only time of the day I can function as intended).

I remember ever since I was a child I always used to start mentally preparing myself for my birthday from New Year's Day. Even my mother used to say, "now that it's 2010, you're already 10 to me", even though August was still nowhere to be seen. But that felt good at the time. The beginning of a new year and my birthday approaching meant hope and progress, as the only thing I wanted as a child and as a teen was to grow up and not have to be a child anymore. I didn't like going to school, I didn't like being told to do things, I didn't like not being taken seriously, as I'm sure no one does. But by "didn't like", I mean it caused me severe emotional distress, the stuff that happened to me every single day without my control. It's hard to tell now in retrospect what caused what, but I have memories of developing my two most prominent and persistent mental disorders at around 6 years old (social anxiety and a BFRB) which have isolated me and often subjected me to cooler kids poking fun at me, shortly followed by starting school in the middle of my parent's divorce and moving houses. One of our last dinners in my father's comforting family home at the dinner table, I remember being visibly sad and my mum asking me what was wrong. My slightly belated answer ("everything") did not quite get the desired reception, as she and my little brother went on to have a little giggle over making assumptions about what that must include ("I'm sure she's sad over dinosaurs going extinct too..."). And, from then on, it's pretty much been downhill. I didn't like being home and I didn't like being at school (or at any of the million extracurricular activities my mum had picked out for me falsely thinking they could stop me from hurting myself and not just accelerate it). The ever-present social anxiety, bottled up frustration, high academic expectations and confusion about the nature of my very own self-destructive behaviours did not make for an enjoyable time in any of my 12 years at school. So, obviously, all I could do was anticipate the end. The end of being vulnerable to the very systems that were meant to nurture me and protect me.

I think that was my way of thinking all the way until I turned 19. Two years ago. At 19, I had graduated high school, I was about to start university studying something I was interested in, I had a semi-stable student job I liked and I was ready to move in with my boyfriend (a former classmate), separate from our parents. I had an artistic goal that I was ready to work for in my free time, and living away from home I was finally going to get the capacity to do so as well. And then when all of this happened and my thoughts became occupied with the new kind of responsibilities that came with "adulting", I started getting this overwhelming feeling of "what now?". A couple months have passed in the blink of an eye, it was November and I wasn't happy. I was making virtually no progress on my creative goals, my flat was a smelly mess, I didn't see my friends and I wasn't making new ones, and I found university to be draining and incompatible with my brain. I wasn't enjoying anything. I thought, "is this how I'm going to have to spend another 3 years?".

And then a miracle happened. I had to give a presentation at uni with a couple of other girls, and one of them suggested a book to do it based on. Reading my part of the book to prepare for the presentation has unlocked something in me - it was a book about the way people manage to feel like hostages due to their own decisions and thoughts. First it hurt to read because I had to face the truth: I wasn't really a hostage of expectations, university or responsibilities, I was a hostage of myself and my own attitude. I even wrote a song about this (my ultimate way of being honest with myself), and that's when I've felt ready to start working on myself in order to take back control over my life. And hell, I have done it. In a couple of weeks, I was feeling the best I've ever felt and I went into exam season thinking I was capable of the impossible at this point. Who knew I had it in me? I had gotten through a couple of exams and assignments and I was thinking soon I was going to start improving in other areas of my life as well. I was going to make art, see my friends again, go out, have fun, maybe learn to cook and be a better girlfriend too. Not a lot of that has happened. Came the end of exams and the second half of January and I was already exhausted. My job was at a halt and uni wasn't back on until mid February, so I spent a few shallow weeks at home just thinking "why am I doing this again?". It was difficult, suddenly having too much space for negative thoughts and rumination.

But it was only the start of the pandemic when my race with time has really begun. Which is ironic, because when the restrictions were first announced in my country, I really saw a lot of opportunity in them to grow for myself (and I mean this is in the least "this deadly virus is a blessing in disguise" way possible). University moving online and social gatherings being nothing short of illegal all of a sudden felt more than convenient for my social (but very luckily not health) anxiety ridden brain, and I had imagined this was going to be the most prosperous phase in my life, in terms of moving forward with my goals.

Ever since I was little, I had dreamed of becoming a musical artist. No one ever encouraged me - maybe for a good reason - and I tried to keep quiet about it as well. I was so ashamed of desiring something that was so "unlike me" according to everyone who knew me. I never had a good voice and everyone perceived me as shy, on top of being seen as more of a "STEM girl" (until I went to high school for maths and ended up not understanding any of it anymore). I'd been writing lyrics into my phone since 14 and attempting to turn them into actual songs on my laptop since 17. At 18, I even took a beginner's course in Ableton. Still, I just never felt like anything I wrote was of any worth or that I had a single ounce of talent in any part of the process. But I kept on dreaming and pushing because I thought "if I don't try, how will I know?". My work ethic was awful too, I was an inconsistent writer and an even more inconsistent producer. I never got anything finished because I got lost in the details and gave up due to my perfectionism. Plus, and this is what I perceived to be the biggest problem at the time, I could only record music at home, and my family were home all the time. Moving out, I thought I was going to prosper, then I didn't prosper for a bit, told myself it was okay because uni was making me depressed, then I continued to not prosper, told myself it was okay because I had to rest up after exams. And then it's like the universe said "Stop. You're just making excuses. Stay home and produce those songs now because there will NOT be another opportunity like this".

I put so much pressure on myself then to get stuff done. It felt like my time - all my adolescence I was looking at teenage popstars rising to fame and each year they were just getting younger and all I did was compare myself to them and worry. Worry that I was running late, that no one was going to ever care about me because I am late, but growing up I excused it every time. I was home with my family and stressed because of school all the time, duh, how could I have made good art? But right there, at the beginning of "quarantining", it was just me and my willpower. No school, no job, no impromptu social plans. And who knew how long it was going to last? Some people said only four weeks, some others said months, some the rest of the year. All I knew was I was 19, still young and practically a teenager, and I had to act. And I did. I made two of the worst songs you've heard in your life and I put them both out in the summer under my own name. Like proper released them on streaming services and all. Looking back now, holy hell, how desperate was I, posting it on my social media that people I actually knew followed? With my fear of being ridiculed? I was setting myself up for an emotional disaster. Shock horror: my songs didn't blow up (although I have had a few friends say lovely things about them, at least to me). By the time of scheduling the second one for release (mid July) I was already feeling burnt out. Yes, there was another exam season in the meantime, and the unexpectedness of the elongated pandemic has definitely been a factor as well, but generally I was just so let down by the overall underwhelming experience. I made such bad decisions - why my own full name? Why did I have to let people know and thereby handicap myself? Of course I wasn't going to promote my songs now or even speak of them positively because I feared coming off ridiculous. So I just let the whole thing pass without a sound and made myself sad. By last August, I was back to "what now?".

Needless to say, there were no festivals last summer. Festivals used to be my ultimate summer happy place and I always celebrated my birthday at a specific one (the biggest one in my city to be exact) starting with the 15th. Concerts and festivals were somehow simultaneously an adventurous escape from all my worries and the root of a lot of my confidence issues and anxiety. I dreamed of being on stage and presenting my art to the world, pouring my heart out to even just one person who will listen, the same way that I listen to my favourite artists and what they have to say. Some nights were emotional, some nights were energising, some nights were spent worrying about the people who surrounded me and some nights were just pure jealousy and feeling far away from my goals - you never knew what you were going to get at a gig. I think that overall most gigs were bittersweet experiences for me, but that's how I liked them to be. The whole point was just to feel something. But there were no festivals last year. There were concerts, though, put on by local bands, but lord do I wish there hadn't been any. I went to two of those last summer - one I went to alone and walked away feeling like shit, another I went to with my friends and felt extremely guilty and anxious about the virus after. This second one happened to be two days before my 20th birthday. I spent my birthday worried to death that I got the virus (even though numbers were extremely low at the time in my country and going to small gigs was perfectly legal and deemed not dangerous) and that I was going to infect my elderly relatives who I was going to meet with later. That didn't happen, but I haven't been to a single show since then, and it's been a year. So that's how my first non-festival birthday worked out.

Turning 20 didn't feel good and my birthday aligned with the onset of a bunch of new problems as well as old ones accelerated. I began to think deeply about everything. What was the point of anything I was doing? Was any of it going to get me anywhere? Was any of it causing me joy, even? I didn't know what to do about my musical efforts - should I keep trying to put out songs or admit defeat? I still had that creative drive in me and I worried so much about my role in the world - "I'm not a good friend, not a good girlfriend and not a good daughter, and I certainly will never become a good psychologist directly helping people with their problems. I need to give something to the world - I need to find a purpose". I didn't do stuff because I was anxious, and then I was anxious because I didn't do stuff. But I think at that point I also realised I didn't only want to succeed and produce. I also wanted to live. Having fun was missing from my life too. I rarely saw or talked to friends and my relationship wasn't going well either. Every day I tortured myself looking at other people live their lives on social media and thinking to myself I wanted what they had. I wanted to be someone. I wanted to create, to connect and to matter, but all of these things have only ever caused me anxiety in my life and I didn't know where to go from there.

With the virus getting worse again and the start of another online semester, there was one silver lining to locking myself in again though. During the pandemic, I have been playing a lot of video games, possibly even more than before. They weren't only a nice way to numb my brain and relax - no, the opposite, they were actively giving me a temporary sense of direction and progress with each gaming session. I have always loved The Sims for this reason, I had spent so many years building and perfecting my little worlds to my liking and practicing full control over my characters' lives, but this time I began to feel like it was something bigger. I discovered the Sims side of the internet, something I had not really done before, and the amount of content, help, info and Sims-related entertainment has blown me away. Whole new levels of playing have been unlocked for me and I began to dive deeper than ever. I wanted to be part of the community, so in the autumn I started streaming the game on Twitch and this time I knew better than to tell anyone I already knew about it. That didn't quite turn out as I expected, and my streamer phase was cut short in January by someone I knew from high school accidentally finding my stream. Before that, I would only get moderately anxious before streams, not worried much about what viewers were going to think of me (if they find me annoying they'll just leave and I'll never have to hear from them again), but then that unexpected turn of events ruined everything in my head. All my confidence I had built up was suddenly gone. I never streamed again after that. It wasn't really for me anyway, I told myself.

Instead, insistent on further pursuing the only thing that was giving me joy at the time, I started my YouTube channel initially uploading Sims tutorials, because I thought I had useful stuff to show people that has a greater chance of making someone happy than just watching me try to put together a sentence for 5 minutes straight while my Sims struggle to get in the shower by themselves. And much to my surprise, it was gaining decent traction, although I put a lot of it down to luck even today. But either way, it's been growing more or less consistently ever since, and beginning of the summer I stopped to think "could I not just be doing this for a living now?". "Could this be my new creative ambition?". As much as I would have liked to say yes based on my progress and how I managed to earn the same amount I would have earned in a month at my part-time retail job (we're talking Eastern European sums kids!), it wasn't that simple. Thoughts around this have of course been puzzling me for months now. I like to think of myself as a natural talker, just because I am anxious I am NOT quiet or shy. I can even make small talk very well, it's just that because I'm mortified by the possibility of an awkward silence I tend to avoid situations where it might be required. And I talk to myself all the time. So on paper, talking to a camera should not be an issue. And yet every time I record a video I feel my soul being sucked out of my body because I need to make sure I say every sentence correctly and that ends up in draining 4 hour recording sessions. Editing videos, on the other hand, is a rewarding process, a kind of flow-experience I have not really known before, though extremely long and usually detrimental to my sleep schedule (which is far from being rosy by default). Maybe I just put too much effort into everything, but it really makes you question - is it worth it? Can I really be doing this on the long run without destroying myself? And will I ever get used to the social interactions that come with it?

It's weird, suddenly getting recognition for something, people giving me positive feedback on the daily. This certainly happened more suddenly than I thought it would and I don't think I was prepared. Naturally, people taking the effort to leave me nice comments and messages makes me want to reply, appreciate their kindness and return the favour but the trinity of little demons inside me - social anxiety, impostor syndrome and a chronically low self-esteem - makes this a difficult task to complete. To combat the overwhelming weight of responsibility that comes with making sure I appreciate everyone who appreciates me enough, as well as to shut out the fear that what I have now can be taken away from me any second, I have built up a mental wall between me and my relative success. This wasn't a conscious choice, it's just the way my brain has started dealing with this new situation. I do not allow myself to internalise the rewards of what I work so hard for and that contributes to why, when I look back on 2021 so far, all I see is depression despite having "gotten what I wanted". My YouTube channel has been the only thing bringing hope and the only thing I've got going for me and yet I am incapable of embracing it.

The past one year has been enlightening. It has enlightened me that there must be something deeply wrong with me because I have not been able to enjoy life even at times I had all the reasons to. The times I am capable of letting go and feeling happy for short periods come exactly based on that - short periods. I'm drifting into states of bliss only when I know the situation is temporary and doesn't come with commitment and responsibility. Some of these moments of calmness come to me while walking to the store by myself after dark, getting invested in my video games, meeting up with my friends for an evening every once in a while and writing a therapeutic song just for myself using the simplest chords on the piano. The feeling usually doesn't last and disappears at the first attempt to get back to any kind of organised schedule (that attempt on most days is the simple act of trying to force myself to go to bed). Isn't that ironic? I wanted purpose. I wanted to get it together. And yet... every day is a struggle. I know now, I am the problem. Whether it's a chemical imbalance or another anomaly in my brain or my own fault somehow, it's not my circumstances, it's me. I wanted to be free and to make my life my own, and now I just can't. Every day I worry about running out of time, rapidly approaching death and not being able to say that I have lived. This is why turning 21 fills me with so much panic. I am no longer a child and I'll never be again, although I wouldn't even like to be. I just can't help thinking that I wasted so many opportunities to enjoy myself and to push for my goals. But it's gone now and there's no point regretting how I used to think about life back then. If I look back on my life so far I see a lot of stuff that happened that made half of my brain temporarily happy, but the other half was always filled with anxiety, anticipation to get out or dissatisfaction. It was just never fully right and I keep hoping that there will come a time when it will feel fully right. Before turning 19, I thought independence was going to give me that. Now at 21, I'm not quite sure there's anything that's going to give me that if I don't also start to work through every single one of my issues (although part of me still likes to cling onto the idea that once I'm done with my first and last degree, a lot of underlying stress and guilt will be taken off my shoulders and I'll see everything in a different light). So for a start, I just finally signed up for psychological counselling. I don't know if it will help but it's something and I've done it for myself. I need to do more for myself.

There is so much more I could talk about. Like the pandemic, how I've turned into a hermit, my relationship, struggling to be honest with myself and slowly losing touch with my all time number one passion because of it. I could talk about how I know that society has been deliberately making us (especially women) feel scared of aging and yet I still file it under personal issues, how I've been trying to fix my sleep schedule for a year and a half straight now, the guilt I feel from my family and friends all the time, my inability to concentrate and how I fall into despair concerning the future and present of humanity every time I read the news and people's opinions on social media. I could talk about how I want to cry every time I see a picture of somewhere beautiful in the world - a street in Japan, a lake in the Alps or the trees in the Mediterranean - because I feel a longing that is almost nostalgic for places I've never even visited. There is always so much to still be told to complete the story, but why do I want people I'll never fully know to understand me that well? I need to let go of compulsions like these.

Deep down I just hope that I'm not the only one terrified of growing old.

[aaniiki]

Something I wrote for @jimmyneutronfan4life I’m realizing how horribly out of practice I am, but I hope you still like it. I used some of my own headcanons.

Rating: K Word Count: 3182 Pairing: Jimmick

Nick kicked his skateboard up and caught it in his hands as he reached the end of Jimmy’s driveway. The sun had just begun to set and cast an orange hue over the neighborhood. He exhaled sharply as he walked up to the door, giving a quick look around the area to see if anyone was around, stopping momentarily at Cindy Vortex’s bedroom window. She was nosy. If she saw him there, she would surely ask about it the next day. Luckily for him, her curtains were drawn shut and her house seemed silent. He knocked a few times on the front door and waited for what seemed far too long until it was opened for him.

“Oh, Nick.” Jimmy stood in the doorway, a plate of food in hand and dressed in comfy sweats. He seemed momentarily confused until a light sparked behind his eyes in realization. “I’m sorry, I lost track on time. Come in.” He stepped aside, allowing Nick to cross through the doorway and into his home.

Nick looked around. Funny, he hadn’t stepped foot in Jimmy Neutron’s home since that party he’d thrown when they were in elementary school. As far as he could remember, not much had changed. “I’m glad you made it.” Jimmy spoke up behind him.

“Did you think I wouldn’t?” Nick asked with a chuckle, leaning his skateboard up against the wall beside the door. Jimmy said nothing, just smiled softly. At that moment Nick realized the house otherwise seemed lifeless. “Your parents are out?”

Jimmy took a bite of the food he was holding. “Date night,” he answered. “They left right before you showed up. Gotta keep the romance alive, I guess.” He finished with a swallow.

“I guess.” Nick repeated. He actually thought that was kind of sweet. His parents didn’t do things like that, at least as far as he knew. They were just content with each other’s company, but that was about it.

“I’m sorry, do you want anything?” Jimmy asked, gesturing to his dinner. “There’s more than enough in the fridge.” Nick peered into the plate. Grilled chicken, veggies, some kind of brown rice and a orange sauce. No doubt a little kick of spice to it. Looked appetizing, but he was feeling antsy.

“No thanks,” he answered with a hand up in protest. “I had something on the way over.” If you want to call a questionable empanada from the gas station down the street ‘dinner’. Jimmy only shrugged and didn’t push further. He placed his dinner down and held a finger up to Nick, implying he’d be back in a minute. With that he ran up the stairs and head to what Nick could only assume was his bedroom.

He was alone. Nick felt an uncomfortable tightening in his chest. It was an unusual, kind of irritating feeling. He wasn’t used to it. Letting another deep exhale escape him, he began an unsteady pace around the living room. He stopped when he reached the fireplace, which clearly hadn’t been used in some time. Framed pictures of the Neutron family decorated the mantle, spanning across years. They documented family outings and holidays, but most were Jimmy with various trophies and ribbons he had won from different contests and science fairs. Nick could not help but smile. They all seemed so normal. So happy. A true ideal of the all-American family. He had wondered how nice it might actually be to get a little closer to this family.

The sudden slamming of a door and the hurried steps down the staircase jerked Nick from his train of thought. Jimmy approached him, out of breath and handed him a small plastic case with the words Day of Vengeance II written sloppily across the top. “Here it is.”

Nick had almost forgotten why he even came here in the first place. Earlier in the week he’d somehow gotten caught up in conversation with Jimmy, and learned that, when he wasn’t inventing something ridiculous and possibly dangerous, he was able to use his state of the art technology to access impossible to find media and rip them on DVDs. He looked down at the disk and smiled. “This isn’t supposed to hit theaters for three more weeks.” He looked up, and met Jimmy’s gaze. “It’s really cool of you to do this for me, man.”

“It’s no big deal.” Jimmy shrugged, feeling a little bit proud of himself. Someone like Nick had been impressed with something he had done, and that doesn’t come around very often. “It’s actually fairly simple to hack into video feed from the Korean film festivals. Especially since they went from physical film to digital.” He laughed a little and raised a brow. “Nothing is ever truly offline anymore.”

Nick felt his breath catch in this throat and turned away, slipping the case into the pockets of his worn leather jacket. “Well, thanks.”

Jimmy’s expression faltered a bit, and he looked down at the floor. “I hope you enjoy it. I’ll have to give it a watch at some point.” The tone is his voice softened to sound almost sad.

There was a moment of silence between the two boys. Why does he have to use such a sad tone? Nick’s heart beat was singing in his ears. With a loud throat clear, he spoke out “if you’re up for it, we can watch it together.”

Jimmy’s head immediately shot up. “Right now?” A genuine smile spread across his face. Nick’s heart skipped.

Keeping composure, Nick relaxed a little and removed the disk from his pocket. “Totally. If you’re not busy causing chaos in that lab of yours.” Shaking his head, Jimmy took the disk from Nick’s hands and gestured to the couch for him to have a seat before starting it up on the television.

The sun had completely set at this point, and the TV was the only source of light. Nick could barely see as Jimmy came to the couch and sat beside him. “I was also able to get the deleted scenes and director’s commentary,” Jimmy started, reaching for his food he’d set down earlier. “If that interests you.”

It didn’t, but Nick wouldn’t tell him that. Something about his eagerness and unbridled joy made it hard for him to do so. “Thanks.” He sat back into the couch, the leather of his jacket making noisy friction with the fabric.

“You can take your jacket off.” Jimmy never took his eyes off the screen, but somehow still sounded very inviting. Nick obliged and threw it on the adjacent chair. The movie had only been on for a little over ten minutes, but to Nick it felt like days had passed. He wasn’t even fully paying attention. He could hear Jimmy’s light chewing and occasional soft chuckles when something funny had happened. The earlier feelings of slight paranoia crept back in. What if Jimmy told his friends that he sat alone in the dark with Nick Dean and watched a movie? Seems innocent enough to some, but not to Nick.

“Hey, Neutron…” He began, almost whispering. He felt a slight sweat begin the break. “Can you…” He adjusted himself and sat straight up. At this point he had Jimmy’s full attention. “Can you not tell anyone I was here tonight?” No matter how he thought about it, there was no way to request that without sounding like a complete jerk.

Jimmy froze. His features softened and he looked down at his lap. “Oh.” It wasn’t what he was expecting, but he should have. “That’s fine.” His response was short, and he looked back up trying to seem unbothered. No such luck.

A sudden pang of guilt washed over Nick as he saw how Jimmy reacted. “It’s nothing personal, it’s just-“

“No, I get it.” Jimmy cut him off, holding a hand up in his face. He raised his voice a little in defense. “I guess hanging out with me would damage your image.”

Jimmy’s words spat out like venom. In that moment Nick felt so unbelievably small. It’s true that he had managed to carry the cool and popular status all the way through to the beginning of high school. Even in a completely new building with dozens of new classmates, he never had any competition in that area. It wasn’t even something he tried to do intentionally, but it always just happened for him. He didn’t share many classes with Jimmy, considering the obvious gap in academic excellence between them, but he still considered him a friendly acquaintance. The fact that Jimmy thought of him as nothing more than an image to be kept honestly really hurt in that moment. He understood, though. At least, he tried to.

Jimmy took a deep breath, and realized that what he had said may have come out harsh. “Look, I know I’m not the most popular guy in school. So, no hard feelings. I promise.” His tone wasn’t the least bit convincing, but he refused to let his face show what he was really feeling.

“That’s not what I meant.” Nick responded in a soothing manner, trying to diffuse. He took in a sharp breath and ran his hands through his hair. “I know you know there’s been rumors about me…” His voice trailed off slightly, realizing he could never come back from what he was about to say.

Jimmy waited for a minute for him to continue, but nothing came out. He just shrugged. “Rumors?”

BZZZ….BZZZ

There’s no way Neutron didn’t know, Nick had thought. He must be jerking me along. “Don’t play dumb. You know exactly what I’m talking about.” His eyebrows furrowed as he maintained eye contact with Jimmy, trying to read him.

BZZZ….BZZZ

Jimmy shook his head in protest. “I honestly don’t know what you mean. Like I said, I’m not that popular.”

BZZZ…BZZZ

“Please answer that.” Nick pressed his fingers to his temples. He was starting to stress himself out. He watched as Jimmy dug his phone out of his pocket and read the chain of messages that had interrupted their conversation. He didn’t mean to peek, but he saw that they were all from Cindy. Or rather, ‘Vortex’ with a flame emoji next to her name. It could be a jab at the fact that she’s such a hot headed inferno. Or maybe she ignited a fire within Jimmy.

Something in Nick hoped for the former.

Without replying, Jimmy put his phone back in his pocket. “Just Cindy,” he confirmed. “She left her notebook here.”

Oh. That was all Nick could think. He felt a sudden knot in his stomach. “You guys hang out?” He wasn’t sure why he asked that. An urge came over him. Jimmy nodded matter-of-factly at that. He’d thought it was obvious that him and Cindy still held a decent relationship through all the years that passed. Cindy would come over around the times of big exams, and they’d hole up in the lab to study. They were still able to salvage something from the ruins of their romantic relationship that had ended towards the end of Junior Highschool.

“Are you working things out again?” Nick asked bluntly, turning away from Jimmy and pretending to watch the television that had still been going in the background this whole time. A chill ran over him once the words left his lips. I should mind my own business.

Jimmy laughed audibly, caught off guard at that. He shook his head and held a hand to his mouth to stifle more laughing. “Absolutely not.” He finally answered, in the most confident tone Nick had probably ever heard from him.

“Why not? She’s cute.” Nick replied, digging a playful elbow into Jimmy’s side.

“Well, you can date her.”

There was a silence. Jimmy felt the energy in the room shift almost instantly as soon as he said that. He looked at Nick who had sunk back down into the couch and glued his eyes back on the television. They had been talking all this time, so there was no way he was retaining what this movie was about. It was just noise at this point. He was afraid he’d said something wrong, and let it be.

“So you really don’t know?” Nick had finally spoken up again after several minutes. “You really haven’t heard any rumors?”

“I swear on my lab.” Jimmy could hear Nick’s breathing become heavier, but he sat patiently and waited for him to speak.

“You heard about what happened with me and that cheerleader?”

After a moment of digging through his memories, Jimmy recalled a moment in time where Nick was regularly seen hanging around a pretty blonde cheerleader. Emma was her name? Heather? Jimmy couldn’t remember. He’d never really spoken with her, but he also never thought anything of it. Just Nick being friendly and popular with the girls, as always. Now that he thought about it, he hadn’t seen Nick around her much lately. “Sort of,” he answered, more like a question.

“She was a friend,” Nick began, “someone I was really close to. I cared about her a lot.” His sentence seemed to trail off, but then he noticed that Jimmy’s striking blue eyes were glued to him. “She wanted something more and I wasn’t interested, so I turned her down. Things escalated and she started a rumor that I-” his breath caught in his chest. His face turned hot and he felt his fingers trembling in his lap. “That I’m…into dudes.”

Though it felt good to get out, there was an uncomfortable stillness in the air. Jimmy never took his eyes off Nick, and he could feel them burning into the side of his face. “Why’d you turn her down?” Jimmy’s voice was serious, and curious. Nick felt in that moment that he was being studied, and he kind of hated it.

“Not my type.”

“Well, what is your type? Now that I think of it, I’ve never seen you with a girlfriend.”

Why is he looking at me like I’m one of his stupid experiments? Nick wasn’t sure how to answer that. He didn’t think Jimmy would be this invested. “I don’t know.” It was a lackluster response, but he was afraid of divulging too much.

"So...are you?" Jimmy's words filled the empty void of space between them in the darkness.

"Am I what?" The end of the sentence shot out sharply.

"Are you attracted to men?"

That was it. Nick's entire being felt like he'd been hit head on by a truck. It was a question he'd been struggling with for a while now.

“Whatever, dude.” Nick couldn’t think of anything else to say. He felt utterly defeated. He leaned back into the couch, as far away from Jimmy as he could manage without falling off.

“You brought it up.” Jimmy answered in a small snicker.

Studying his face, Jimmy could tell more and more that Nick was embarrassed and vulnerable. It was a heavy topic to put out in the world, especially to someone he didn’t know all too well. He felt a little pang of guilt in his chest for pushing. The only thing he could think to do was extend a hand out to his shoulder in an attempt to comfort him. Nick tensed up at the feeling of Jimmy’s hand on him. “You can tell me, you know.” Jimmy knew everything. Behind every rumor there had to be a little bit of truth, he figured.

“Hmm..” Nick only mused gently and slouched in his seat, almost collapsing into his own body out of sheer embarrassment.

“You can trust me.” Jimmy initiated, trying to lighten up the palpable tautness in the air. “I know we may not be extremely close, but I hope you know I wouldn’t…” His words trailed off. He’d stopped dead when Nick moved his hand and placed it gently on his own.

“I need to work it out myself.” Nick’s voice was trembling. He refused to meet Jimmy’s gaze, and his cheeks were flushed. Good thing it was still somewhat dark in the room.

Jimmy didn’t pull away. If anything he thought it good to be comforting in that moment. “It’s nothing to be ashamed about, Nick.”

“I’m not ashamed.” Nick replied sternly. He really wasn’t. It was just a lot to handle in short time. He knew that his classmates may not be as accepting as Jimmy was right in that moment, and he didn’t feel like putting up with that for the remaining 3 years of  high school. Even telling Jimmy was a risk, but he owed it to himself to let it out to someone. “I just want to be totally sure of myself before I say anything about it to anyone else.”

Jimmy decided it was best not to say anything. He looked down at Nick’s hand that was still positioned over his own and smiled. “You know, you’re still the coolest guy I know.” In a swift motion, he swapped places with Nick’s hand, earning a small gasp from him. “I don’t think any less of you.”

It was sincere. Nick knew that much. He felt his hand start to sweat a little under Jimmy’s touch, and drew it away. “Thanks, Neutron. I’m really surprised you’re not grossed out.” Nick gave a light hearted grin.

“Not at all. It’s perfectly natural and occurs in almost all living species.” Jimmy was practically giddy.

Of course he’d find a way to relate it to science. Nick caught himself smiling. He felt an indescribable heaviness lift from him. He’d shared something that had been weighing severely on his mind for a long time.  He was supposed to just come here, grab a movie and leave. He probably would have just gone home and stew even further in his own thoughts.

“Hey, Nick?” Jimmy spoke, returning to his original crisscrossed position on the couch. “I really appreciate you telling me something so important to you.”

“Don’t get all sappy on me, dude.” Nick’s voice toughened a little, but he smile never faded.

“Did you completely lose track of what’s happening in this movie?” Jimmy questioned, turning to him with an almost cunning expression.

Nick only shook his head and exhaled. “I can just watch it at home.”

“Am I boring you?” Jimmy asked brazenly, already seizing the remote and stopping the film to return it to the first scene. Nick didn’t argue. He just sat back and watched as the opening titles flashed across the screen. “You haven’t answered my question yet.”

Nick looked at him quizzically. “Huh?”

“You said you didn’t pursue a relationship with her because she wasn’t your type. What’s your type?” Jimmy never bothered to look at him, but he knew Nick had turned impossibly red.

Without even noticing he had done so, Nick scooted closer to Jimmy to where they were almost touching. He casually swung an arm over the back of the couch and relaxed, feeling the most content and sure of himself he’d had in quite a long time. “I think you’ll figure it out.”

[alphacrone]

for it’s better to burn out than to fade out of sight (3/?)

rating: T pairings: Yuki & Tohru (platonic), Tohru/Kyo, Yuki/Machi, other canon pairings & friendships summary: In the end, it wasn’t sadness Yuki felt, when Tohru Honda had her memories erased. No, it was anger. And anger he could work with.

<< read previous chapter || read next chapter >>

iii.  now my heart’s a frozen lake where streams used to flow

***

“Do you think wave-girl seduced him?” 

Yuki paused at the mention of Hanajima. They were barely more than acquaintances, but Yuki didn’t like the tone the girls in the classroom were using. He leaned back against the wall and continued to listen. 

“Ew, no way! But he seems close to that Honda girl…” 

They were talking about Tohru? Yuki’s blood began to boil. 

“How could someone so plain attract Prince Yuki like that! He deserves someone beautiful and utterly perfect .” 

“Seriously. Do you think she...you know...with him?” 

One of the girls gasped. “Don’t say something like that. The Prince wouldn’t do that with just anyone .” 

Under his blind anger at these girls’ insults of Tohru, Yuki wondered just how they could make such assumptions about him . How could they know what would attract him? How could they know he wasn’t hooking up with anyone willing? Who were they to assume his own thoughts and feelings? 

But...well, even if they didn’t have the right to think they knew him, how could they even begin to know him? Yuki was a creature of ice and snow, cold and hardened against the world. His heart was frozen solid, buried deep and far, far away from the light of day. He’d never let anyone close, really, only Hatsuharu on occasion.

And then, Tohru had appeared in his life. From the moment he’d found her in the woods, he knew what Prometheus felt gazing upon fire for the first time. Yuki wanted to steal this light for himself, keep her safe and far away from harm, but to be a Sohma was to be dangerous. It would be wise to leave her behind and retreat behind his walls, but Yuki was tired. He was tired of loneliness and tired of the cold, tired of watching the world pass by like a movie he couldn’t pause. 

And Tohru was bright, and Tohru was warm, and Tohru was so unfailingly kind and loving, it made Yuki’s heart ache. What would happen to his heart of ice in the face of these new flames in his chest? Would he extinguish her light? Or would he thaw?

Yuki was a creature of snow and ice; would there be anything left of him when he melted? 

***

Yuki wasn’t sure what he expected from Hanajima’s house when she invited him to study after school, but the normalcy of it did surprise him. He supposed it would be foolish to think she lived in some spooky, European mansion in the middle of the neighborhood, but against the backdrop of the average house she seemed more startling, like ink against a stark canvas.

“Hope you’re better at history than we are, Prince,” Uotani said, pushing hair from her face as they approached the front door. “I’m great at remembering formulas for math, but I can’t remember dates for shit.” 

“Uo’s a math genius!” Tohru called over her shoulder, bouncing a little. “She can do really complicated equations in her head!” 

“Eh, math’s just easy,” Uo said with a shrug. “Once you get how it works. Remembering dates and names for things that happened before I was born is confusing.” 

Tohru blushed, but didn’t seem too embarrassed when she said, “I think it’s all confusing. But I like learning about the past. So many people have lived so many lives, it’s really interesting.” 

Hanajima opened the front door and softly called, “I’m home.” The other girls parrotted her, and all three kicked off their shoes with a familiar ease. Yuki knelt down to remove his own as an older woman replied, “Welcome home!” 

Uotani cast a grin at Tohru. “Well, if I’m a math genius, Tohru’s a home ec genius. Our girl can cook and sew like nobody’s business.” 

“I kno-” Yuki caught himself before he could reveal he had, in fact, spent a few weeks eating Tohru’s cooking for every meal. “I see.” 

“O-oh, it’s nothing,” Tohru sputtered, waving her hands around. Hanajima and Uo led them upstairs to Hanajima’s room, both smirking at Tohru as her face grew pink. “Cooking isn’t anything special like math.” 

“I think it’s really special,” Yuki said honestly, readjusting his grip on his school bag. “I’m awful at cooking and cleaning. Most of my meals are take-out.” Of the three men in the house, only Kyo could cook, and he adamantly refused to cook for anyone but himself. After Shigure’s last attempt at cooking, he and Yuki had gone back to take-out and microwaveable meals. 

Hanajima’s room was much like the rest of her house—unnervingly normal—but at least here there were touches of her darkness. The dark bedspread and curtains at least hinted at the macabre aesthetic of Kaibara High’s resident witch. 

“O-oh, really?” Tohru said, sitting down at the small table across from the bed. “I’m sure you’re not awful.” 

“Oh, no, I am,” Yuki laughed, sitting down next to her. “I burn everything.” 

“Well, look at that,” Uotani teased, flopping down on Tohru’s other side. “Prince Yuki has a fault . Alert the fangirls, they’ll lose their shit.” 

“All men are fallible,” Hanajima said evenly, dark eyes boring into Yuki. “To be perfect is to be inhuman.” 

Yuki swallowed roughly. “I’m not sure what you’re talking about, but I guarantee I am incredibly fallible.” 

With a snort, Uotani pulled out her notebook and reached around Tohru’s to softly smack Yuki with it. “We’re just giving you a hard time, Yun-Yun.” 

“Yun-Yun?” Nobody called him that, except for Kagura when she wanted something. 

“Uh, yeah,” Uotani said with a shrug. “I bet that’s what Kyoko would’ve called you.” 

“Who?” 

“Kyoko,” Hanajima said softly. “Tohru’s mom.” 

“Oh.” There was a thick pause. Technically, everyone knew now that Torhu was an orphan, but Yuki wasn’t sure how many people knew how recently her mother had died. “Was she...a fan of giving people nicknames?” 

All three girls smiled. “Yes, she was,” Tohru said fondly. “She’s why Uo and Hana go by Uo and Hana.”

“And she would absolutely love to tease you,” Uo said. “A little pretty boy like you wouldn’t have stood a chance.” 

“She sounds...fun,” Yuki said. 

“She was,” Uo agreed. 

“Who’s this? I didn’t know you had more friends, Saki.” 

Yuki turned to see a miniature Hanajima. Though his hair was short and his uniform that of the nearby middle school, the boy in the doorway looked exactly like his sister. 

“Don’t be rude, Megumi,” Hanajima scolded lightly. “This is Yuki Sohma, our classmate. He’s going to use his status to gain us top academic scores.” 

There was an uncomfortable silence, before Uotani laughed and said, “Prince Yuki is here to study with us.” 

Tohru smiled at the boy. “Sohma, this is Megumi, Hana’s little brother.”

“Nice to meet you,” Yuki offered, but Megumi said nothing as he studied Yuki’s face. 

“You have an unusual energy,” Megumi eventually said, face impassive. “Shall we have snacks?” 

“Go get some rice crackers, kid,” Uo said. “You can join us if you study too.” 

“Do you need help, Megumi?” Tohru asked. “I can help make tea.” 

“Grandmother is already making some for you,” Megumi said. “I’ll see if she has any rice crackers.” He stood and left without fanfare, leaving Yuki feeling more stressed than he had earlier. What a strange boy . 

“Love that kid,” Uotani said with a chuckle. “He talks like a old man.” 

“When I was staying here, he’d offer to read me bedtime stories,” Tohru said. “It was very sweet, but funny coming from a little boy.” 

“He’s an odd one,” Hanajima agreed. “I’m not sure where he gets it from…” 

Yuki and Uotani exchanged a bemused look. “Alright, history,” Uotani said. “Someone quiz me.” 

“I will!” Tohru grabbed her flashcards and held one up for Uotani. Yuki opened his own notes and tried to focus on them, but was quickly interrupted by Megumi returning with snacks and tea. The girls all cooed over him and told him to join them, so he silently squeezed in between his sister and Yuki, making no real effort to study as the high schoolers returned to their work. 

“So, uh, Megumi,” Yuki said after a few minutes of Tohru and Uotani’s excited flashcard quizzing. “Do you also, uh...see waves?” 

Megumi raised an eyebrow, but his expression did not change. “No. Saki controls waves.”

“Ah.” Yuki cleared his throat, unsure if he should continue talking. 

“I, however, have studied the ancient art of curses,” Megumi continued, voice high and monotone. “All I need to curse a victim is their name.” 

Yuki wondered if that was supposed to be a threat. Not that it mattered; he was already cursed. 

“What do your curses do?” He asked, resting his hand in his palm. He glanced to the right, but  Tohru was thoroughly absorbed in her flashcards, cheering every time Uotani got an answer correct. 

“It depends,” Megumi said, not breaking eye contact. “Sometimes it renders the victim ill or in pain. Sometimes it causes them bad luck. Sometimes it makes them the target of negative energies.” 

“What about...transformations?” Yuki asked, tapping his pencil against the table. “Can you curse someone to turn into an animal?” 

“What, like a toad?” The boy looked unimpressed. “I’m not a witch.” 

“I didn’t mean to imply you were,” Yuki backpedaled, holding his hands up in surrender. “It’s just...an interesting concept, don’t you think?” 

Megumi tilted his head. “I suppose. To trap an enemy in a foreign vessel is a cruel torture.” 

“But you’ve never…?” 

“No.” Yuki felt his heart drop. “But it is a curious idea.” 

It had been foolish to put any sort of expectations in this child Yuki had known for less than an hour. But just having someone outside his own family discuss curses so casually had sparked hope deep inside him. 

Could there be others like him out there? Could this curse be broken? Could this curse be inflicted on someone else, a new family of unwitting monsters? 

“Sohma!” 

Tohru’s voice broke Yuki from his spiralling thoughts. She was smiling—she was always smiling—and pointed to one of her flashcards. “Can you help us with this one? The textbook gives two different dates for this, and we don’t know which is correct.” 

Yuki took a deep breath and nodded, scooting over to look at the flashcards. He supposed it didn’t matter, really, if Megumi held the truth to his...hereditary affliction.  For now, it was enough to sit by Tohru Honda and bask in her warmth. 

***

Classes were over but Yuki had promised to help the class president with some budgeting, so he bid Tohru, Hanajima, and Uotani goodbye and headed towards the student council room, already dreading Takei-senpai’s overbearing nature. 

As he crossed the walkway overlooking the school gate, Yuki noticed Tohru and Hanajima waving Uotani off as she sprinted off to get to her job on time. Tohru was laughing, swinging Hanajima’s hand as they meandered down the stairs at a slower pace. Yuki couldn’t help but smile at the scene, watching his friends—friends?—look so happy and carefree. 

He turned to continue his return to the classroom when he noticed a boy standing a few yards away, eyes trained where Yuki’s had just been. 

The kid was dark-haired and slouched against the wall, a couple file folders clutched loosely in his hand. He frowned, still watching Tohru and Hanajima. Yuki glanced at the girls again, noticing that Hanajima had separated from Tohru and Tohru now walked alone. Still, the boy’s gaze followed her, frown increasing, turning almost vicious. 

It was that angry frown, Yuki would later claim, that spurred him into action. Crossing the walkway quickly and silently, Yuki dipped between the boy’s line of sight and Tohru, blocking her from view. The boy startled, blinking in surprise. 

“Leave Tohru Honda alone,” Yuki hissed. “Whatever you want with her, drop it.” 

The guy held his hands up. “Hey, hey, calm down, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

“You were watching her,” Yuki said, poking the boy in the chest angrily. “Leave her alone.” 

“I wasn’t planning on starting shit,” the boy said. “Seriously, calm down, I’m not gonna hit on your girlfriend.” 

“She’s not- Just- What do you want with her?” Yuki crossed his arm over his chest, face growing warm. 

“Not that it’s any of your business,” the guy said with a smirk. “But she and I have a past.” He shouldered past Yuki, turning to add, “Don’t worry about it, Yuki Sohma. I’m not gonna talk to her.” 

Before Yuki could respond, he winked and sauntered away, waving as if they’d just had a normal, casual conversation. Yuki sighed and glanced back out to where Tohru had been. She was gone, predictably, but a small part of him felt disappointed by her absence. 

You’ll see her tomorrow , a small voice told him. This isn’t like before. She’s still here. 

Yuki couldn’t stop the chill that ran down his spine. She was still here, for now. And Yuki would do whatever it took to keep her there, away from the clutches of the Sohma family and its curse. 

[crxwflower]

Superposition: Chapter 1

FANDOM: Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) | PAIRING: Peter Parker x Y/N 

Content: Friends to Lovers, Slow Burn, Slow Build, Reader-Insert, Childhood Friends, Childhood Crush, Superpowers, Angst, Spider-Man, Avengers, Fluff, Nerdy Reader, Shy Reader

SUMMARY:

"I don't believe in fate, no psychic vision. But when things fall into place, superposition."

You don't believe in destiny or fate. Everything happens for a reason, even if that reason cannot be explained. As a child, you knew Peter Parker. You were friends, and then you weren't. He was your childhood crush—a passing phase. Life just gets in between people before they can ever really get to know each other, and that's okay. But when tragedy strikes and you find yourself blessed (or cursed) with superpowers, you discover that perhaps life has a way of bringing people together, too.

Masterlist | AO3 | Next Chapter

You still remember the first time you saw Peter Parker. Your family had just moved to Queens from Phoenix for your father’s job. It was a pretty big transition—at nine years old, you were just old enough to remember the rugged landscape and warm weather. You spent so much time in the pool in your early years that your parents joked someday you might grow gills and live in the water forever. New York was too cold to swim year ‘round unless it was indoors and you were not pleased about needing to wear layers instead shorts and a tank top. While you were struggling to adapt, your sister, Hayley, could not be more suited for city living. Hayley is five years older than you; curvy and beautiful. You envied how your sister so easily made friends when you struggled to even make eye contact with your classmates. Life is tough for a girl who would much rather be on her own to be thrust into the hustle and bustle of New York City.

Several months after the initial move, your family had finally settled into your cramped town home and the end of the academic year was on the horizon. It was not so hard for you. Fourth grade was a breeze and you tended to spend most of your time reading the latest fantasy novels or sketching the crazy monsters from your dreams the night before. Hayley, however, was constantly busy with both end-of-the-year dance performances and final exams. You never understood why your sister was so stressed. She was—is—the smartest person you know. Hayley was good at everything she tried to do, asked questions when she was confused, and never hesitated to help you or others when they needed it. In your eyes, she was the greatest person alive. The most capable person to walk the earth.

On one particular night, you remember sitting in your room watching Star Wars: The Phantom Menace when you heard lots of commotion in the living room. Dad was gone for the weekend on a business trip so most nights the entire house was silent... Confused, you paused the movie and listened to the voices, clutching your stuffed toy to your chest. Your mom’s voice rang over the clamor of scooting chairs and heavy objects thudding against the kitchen table. “Welcome, welcome!” she exclaims. Why were a bunch of people barging in? Oh yeah, Hayley mentioned something about a group project. You can hear Mom taking out dishes and opening the refrigerator. She was probably making snacks—there’s very little Mom loved more than when people came to visit the house. Part of you wanted to ignore everything and finish your movie, but you were a curious child, albeit a little shy, and could not resist the urge to investigate just who invaded your normally silent house.

The first person you saw as you peeked around your door frame was Hayley. A bright smile lit up her features as she took a seat beside a pretty girl with dark frizzy hair, laughing about a joke you must have missed. You recognized the other girl as MJ. She was close friends with Hayley, at the time, so you saw her a lot. She was very kind in a quirky sort of way and talked to you about nerdy stuff like Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. Someone knocked on the door just then. You heard Hayley say, “—must be Ned and Peter,” right as your mom opened the door. A short boy with warm tan skin stepped in first, a wide grin decorating his features as he waved at the girls. And there, behind the other youth, you saw the most beautiful boy you have ever laid your eyes upon. He was rather short with a halo of soft brown curls and sweet eyes that reminded you of Bambi. An awkward smile tugged at his lips as he entered the room, perhaps embarrassed from all the attention he was receiving. You certainly could not stop staring at that baby-faced boy, a fact you regretted because as your mom was closing the front door behind him, she caught sight of your head poking out into the hallway. You caught her gaze and panicked, ducking back into the safety of your room.

But it was just a moment too late. “Y/N, come out and meet your sister’s friends!” Mom called in that cheery voice of hers. As much as you wanted to slam your door shut and hide away the rest of the night, there was no denying your desire to meet the older kids. You decided to leave your stuffed toy behind before venturing out into the open. Your steps were timid, but as you turned the corner you were surprised to see Hayley waiting for you. She took your hand and lead you into the kitchen where the boys and the girl were sitting. “Ned, Peter, this is my little sister, Y/N. She’s a little shy,” Hayley said. The two teenagers smiled at you politely, not particularly interested in talking to a little kid but not wanting to be rude, either.

“Um, hello,” you stammered, struggling to meet their gazes.

“Nice to meet you, Y/N,” Ned said. He offered you another wide-toothed grin, dazzling you. For some reason, Ned reminded you of a Disney princess because his smiles were so warm and comforting. You would never ever tell him that, though.

“I like your stormtrooper pj’s,” Peter said suddenly. A scarlet blush flared on your cheeks, eyes flickering up to stare at the boy who had just given you a compliment. You somehow managed to murmur a meek “thank you” in response to Peter, but from the way that he frowned ever-so-slightly, he probably did not catch what you said. Not like you noticed. Your heart was thundering too loud in your chest for you to focus properly. You stared at him for several moments like a deer in the headlights, vaguely aware of other people speaking to you, before you yanked your hand out of Hayley’s grasp and darted back to your room. And that was it. That was your first, gloriously awkward meeting with Peter Parker. Looking back on it, you surmise that he quickly forgot about the whole situation but you were ashamed of yourself for several months afterwards.

Later on, you learned that Peter lived down the street with his aunt. Since he was in several classes with your sister, he came over to your house often to work on group projects. You tried to keep your crush on the boy a secret, but you were never very good at lying. MJ and Hayley thought it was cute (and a little funny) that you liked Peter, so they were always encouraging you to emerge from your room and join them all as they collaborated on their schoolwork. The girls even managed to convince you to ask him for help on your math homework, and eventually he began to tutor you every Tuesday and Thursday. Granted, it mostly consisted of him talking and making bad jokes while you stared at him shyly when he was not paying attention.

This went on for about a year or so until your sister and her friends finished their freshman year of high school. MJ and Hayley seemed to drift apart, especially after your sister started focusing more on becoming a dancer and following a less academic route. Peter stopped coming over to tutor you almost out of the blue. One week, it was business as usual. And the next, it was like he was nowhere to be found. Little ten year old you was heartbroken, but your mom explained that people grow apart all the time and that you would move on eventually. It took some time, but you eventually got over Peter Parker. With aliens invading almost every other year and the arrival of Spider-Man on the scene, you became obsessed with superheroes. Although Star Wars still held a special place in your heart, posters of the Avengers gradually began to replace the ones of Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker. You joined the art club at school, started playing soccer and softball, and finally started enjoying your life in the city.

While you might have moved on from Peter, you will never forget him. And who knows, maybe you will meet him again one day?

[averywhittaker]

avery grace whittaker ( fc : heather baron-gracie ) 22 years old from jonesboro, georgia and has lived in atlanta for 18 years . currently working as grocery shopper / delivery with InstaCart [ kit , 25 , mst ] | @atlanta-rpgstarters​

pronouns: she/her

theme: [Didn’t know what I was in for] - “Sometimes it feels like that song could have been written about me. It’s unnerving, you know? But it’s fine, it’s a good song so I don’t really mind too much...”

Why the name Avery Grace? 

“I’m not really sure. I like it though. Avery means elf king but it also reminds me of the word aviary, you know, one of those cages they keep birds in? I like that imagery. I am a cage of birds...”

Ethnicity: white

Enneagram: 4

Relationship Status: Dating, long distance “My girlfriend still lives in Auburn. She says she wants to come out for Thanksgiving but I don’t think she will. There’s too much going on in Auburn and anyway she just opened a little shop and she’s focused on that...”

Sexual Orientation: level 5 on the kinsey scale (mostly gay) “I’ve always had a couple of exceptions -- my first boyfriend, for example. I loved him, I really did. But I’m mostly gay.”

Appearance 

There’s a pageantry to how Avery dresses and she knows it. She’s never really fit into the crowds of Atlanta (at least not in the circles she runs in) but she doesn’t mind. Instead of trying to avoid that, though, she embraces it now. Atlanta might not have the emo culture of the midwest but Avery tries to bring it in as much as she can.

Avery wears a lot of dark colors, creepers, heavy eye makeup and other things that make her mother gasp. She loves her black lipstick and her black velvet. She would deny being goth though as that is a subculture and she only dresses it. She doesn’t live it.

Personality:

“Avery’s cool. She’s smart and I think that makes her sad. She watches and notices every bad thing in this world and I think it just kind of left her dejected. It’s like she feels like she has to save the world and I can’t make her not get that.” Guinevere, Avery’s girlfriend

Has severe major depressive disorder

Dissociates a lot due to the depression

Feels like she should solve every hurt in the world but genuinely doesn’t know how to 

Definitely a little bit of a mother hen

Writer of poetry and poetic? Journal entries

Super observant. She notices a lot.

Down to try almost anything

Very spacey

Supportive of her friends

Struggles to follow through with things

Avery has always been sad. She’s been sad as long as she can remember. Her sad is a deep rooted and chronic. As a visual thinker, she pictures her brain as a little coastal town filled with bluegrey ocean fog. Sometimes the sun comes out enough to dissipate the fog and she is happy but it always comes back. The fog and the gloomy mood that accompanies it always return in time. It’s the only thing she’s ever known.

It’s hard to tell Avery has depression unless she tells you. She’s incredibly good at presenting as well adjusted. Her biggest tells are how spacey she seems and how exhausted she often looks.

Avery often feels Unreal or like her entire life has been a lie or a dream. Something about her feels entirely Artificial to herself but she can never place it. All she knows is that once, when she was drunk, she didn’t recognize herself in the mirror. She was a stranger even to herself that night. Something about that strikes her as oddly poetic but she isn’t sure she can capture that idea in writing.

When her depression eases up, she’s actually pretty fun to be around. She’s a little bit of a mother hen (though simultaneously needs to be taken care of) and can be incredibly charming when she wants to be. she’s a creative thinker and always has her pen and notebook on her to write (just in case a thought strikes her) and she’s carried it for as long as she can remember.

Hobbies:

writing (well)

playing guitar (poorly)

reading

napping

art. this tends to be in a style reminiscent to Jenny Holzer of written word meets visual medium.

History:

tw: depression, suicidal ideation/attempt, mental hospitalization

Avery can remember being little and watching the birds fly away and wishing she had wings to join them. When her mother read her Peter Pan for the first time she remembers closing her eyes and praying for Peter to come teach her how to fly. She kept her window open for a year after that, praying every night to the stars for Peter to come take her adventuring. Ever since that moment she’s been longing to escape Jonesboro and go somewhere beautiful and new and not home. 

She knows feeling out of place is normal, especially in adolescence. She knows what she’s experiencing isn’t some great oddity only reserved for a select few. But Avery has always had a knack for feeling alone even in the biggest crowds. She remembers being young and going to her dads workplace (in the bowels of Hartsfield–Jackson Atlanta International Airport) and watching what felt like thousands of people bustling through trying to get to their connection or their luggage or anywhere else. And she remembers feeling distinctly alone even surrounded by a crowd of more than 260,000 daily passengers. 

All throughout her childhood, she swore she was leaving leaving Jonesboro as soon as college hit. Leaving wouldn’t fix her sad and she knew that but at least she would be somewhere new and get to experience something new. 

Every English program she applied for in high school was out of state. The day she was accepted to Auburn University was the happiest day of her life. It wasn’t her top school (she didn’t have the grades for her top school) but she was still getting out. She was escaping. And she was never looking back, as far as she was concerned. Avery didn’t even come back during the breaks. She got a job at the Auburn University Club as a pool attendant during the summers and worked inside the club during the rest of the year. 

She managed through her first year of school, struggled through her second, drowned during her third year, and failed her final year. 

In hindsight it was silly and preventable. She got too tied up in world events and it drove her to a mental hospital. She was too ensnared by the brutal images of dying children on the news and couldn’t make herself look away. It felt like she would be killing them personally or like their deaths would go unmourned by the west if she didn’t watch and witness and cry for them. The stress of worrying for those you cannot save drove her depression into an all new low. She tried to kill herself and landed in the hospital. Unfortunately, it coincided with finals (she wonders now if that’s part of why it impacted her so much – she was already at her breaking point from school) and she failed all of them. She was placed on academic probation and warned that if she didn’t pull her grades up she would be expelled.

She didn’t pull her grades up. 

Instead the depression hit even harder after her hospitalization and she failed her second semester all together. She didn’t mean to. It was just impossible to focus on her homework. Avery tried to ignore the expulsion and her depression and just focus on her job and her girlfriend but that was easier said than done.

Every time she was at work she got vivid fantasies of throwing herself in the pool, taking a deep breath underwater and just getting it over with. She was able to swallow the fantasies over the summer. When the new semester started and she was reminded of her failure, they became even more vivid and she eventually confessed what was happening out loud.

Her girlfriend pushed her to leave work and take time off to focus on her mental health. Avery resisted. She didn’t think she would be able to find another job and not finding work meant she would have to go home. 

Eventually, she gave in and agreed. Her parents let her move back home for the foreseeable future while she tries to get her depression under control. She couldn’t continue to afford Auburn without a job.

She’s been home since the end of September but she’s only just now reintegrating herself with the town. She spent October mostly in bed sleeping until her dad kicked her out one day with the instructions “Come home when you have a job interview.”

She wasn’t able to get one but she did sign up to shop and deliver for InstaCart. It gives her something to do, at least, even if the money isn’t good. 

Health:

Physically, Avery is pretty healthy. She has a mild dustmite allergy that can make reading old books hard but otherwise she seems like she comes from solid stock.

[dcmiiniic]

hi, it me, mini from the block --- bringing you another muse, and he is my lil bb. also @maddisvn’s brother bc i love lia. so uh, read the intro (srry if its a bit long), like this and I WILL mssge you for plots and threads. the messier the better, bc im a messy biiih. ily.

❛ new york’s very own Dominic Parker was spotted on broadway street in  Off-White White 3.0 Off-Court Sneakers. your resemblance to Reece King is unreal. according to tmz, you just had your twenty third birthday bash. while living in new york, you’ve been labeled as being impatient, but also idealistic. i guess being a sagittarius explains that. three things that would paint a better picture of you would be reading a book by the beach, torn up runners, and neon highlighters & ( cismale & he/him )

Basic Information

Full Name: Dominic Omar Parker

Nickname(s): d, dom

Age: 23

Date of Birth: December 20th 1995

Zodiac sign: sagittarius

Hogwarts house: ravenclaw

Ethnicity: african-american/white

Nationality: american

Gender: cis male

Pronouns: he/him

Orientation: bisexual

Religion: agnostic

Language(s) Spoken: english 

Accent: american

Favourites

Weather: summer

Colour: green

Music: logic, big sean, etc.

Movies: the lion king

Sport: track + field, basketball

Beverage: hennessy or red label

Food: doubles! and plantains with cheese.

Animal: sea lions + turtles

Family

Father: henderson parker

Mother: cassandra parker

Sibling(s): maddison parker + older bro (WC)

Children:  aaliyah strawberry parker, 1 yr. (stormi webster fc)

Pet(s): a turtle named franklin

BIOGRAPHY

dominic grew up in san francisco, california. his favorite thing growing up was hanging out at pier 39 and just watching the sea lions chill all day on top of the boards. regardless of the smell. he loved the fact that it didn’t rain or snow, the weather was just ideal. it allowed him to thrive when things were constant with minor changes.

dominic feels most at home by the ocean. he finds it peaceful since it’s calm and quiet besides the sounds of the water crashing together.

@ 15, dominic and the rest of the parkers moved over to NYC cos their dad got a job there and tb he hated it. 

he had to be the new kid, at a new school, in a new city but, dominic is the type of person to blend in so making a whole new life barely came with challenges. he was able to work a room, and he was smart to figure things out easily. 

he made a lot of friends, went to the randomest of parties, all while maintaining a high average in school and keeping A1 appearances.

FAMILY

since the parkers were well off, dominic didn’t have to work for anything when it came to getting things he wanted - but what he did have to work for was getting his father’s approval on almost every part of his life.

being one of the only two boys, there was a lot riding on them to do things. going to school, getting the best grades, making sure you’re always presentable - and bc dominic just wanted to please his dad, he did everything he could. he studied a lot, he did a lot of volunteer work and thankfully for him he liked to study, so studying a lot wasn’t a problem.

dominic rlly struggled being the middle child, but don’t get him wrong, he loves his siblings. believe it or not, he still loves his dad, and he’s a big time momma’s boy. 

even while his dad talks a lot of smack about him, dominic still attends family events, dinners and the works, to please his dad and so it wouldn’t be stressful on his mom. 

CAREER 

dominic is a nerd, a smartass. his grades were always high, especially when it came to liberal arts.

it wasn’t really his choice if he went into university, it was expected. dominic didn’t think much of it besides that he had to do it. 

he went to columbia university for law, and he got his degree in that, and he was doing his graduate legal studies until he got scouted by the New York Knicks.

he grew up with a lot of stress riding on his back, and being the middle child really sucked when you had to have as much of responsibility as the oldest, still be looked at as the younger sibling but at the same time having to take care of the youngest. 

what he did on his past time was run. whether it was around the block, or around the track, dominic found it peaceful just to be by himself where his heart rate went up to the point he couldn’t breathe and he’d fall onto the ground. years of doing so earned him a spot on the track + field team, and because he was good at it, his dad put him in on basketball teams since he was fast enough to make home runs - multiple times.

Basketball was never his first choice at anything, if he could, dominic would do track and field but as far as his dad was concerned, basketball was the better path between the two. so that’s what he did to please his dad. 

dropping out of columbia though, that was dominic’s choice. he figured, he already got his degree, his masters could be put on hold while he played basketball. 

it seemed like a good idea to him, but since then he has a pretty rocky relationship with his dad.

he was never meant to be the black sheep of the family. he was supposed to have this picture perfect image, probably be the next Barack Obama - but that didn’t work out. 

Being an athlete wasn’t the same as being an academic. it took a lot of work physically, and at the end of the games he was left with such a rush. it was a completely different kind of satisfaction.

PERSONAL LIFE

for once dominic didn’t have to worry about hitting the books or the next test. his main focus was basketball and keeping an image that was easier to maintain. this came with a lot of partying and a lot of - accidents.

one night, when he was too drunk to function, he woke up the next day in a random girl’s bed. not that that was anything special but it definitely was when he got a call saying she was pregnant. so 9 months later, aaliyah strawberry parker came into this world. she is currently 1 year and a few months, and that little babe added a light into dominic’s life. 

he was never prepared to be a dad DILF, but he’s a damn good one! he keeps his life separate when he’s with his daughter.

he’s not with his baby momma, but they have a solid relationship, sometimes rocky, sometimes not but y’know. it happens. 

so far, dominic hasn’t introduce aaliyah to any of his family members except maddison. it’s not a secret, it’s just something he doesn’t want to do considering the rocky relationship he has with his dad. 

currently, besides being a baskeball player and a dad, dominic is just figuring things out as he goes. he loves to read, and paint, and sometimes when he’s bored he’ll take a class on something just to feel mentally stimulated. 

he’s always curious, and loves to travel to wherever he can. 

he’s a mfng fuckboy. just bcos he had a kid, doesn’t mean it’s gonna stop him from messing around. he’s just extra careful with it. 

even tho he’s not talking with his dad, and he’s doing his own thing, he rlly still hopes in a way he’s making his dad proud. 

he gets emo sometimes bc he didn’t turn out the way his parents wanted him to, and cos he doesn’t have the best relationship with them - but that’s why, at the very least he has close friends and siblings. 

he lives by himself in a fairly decent apartment with his turtle that he named franklin, bc he can’t own a sea lion. 

PERSONALITY

dominic is always fun. he was the one in the group of friends that made the jokes, and made everyone feel comfortable. he was always out there hugging his friends and chilling, laying around.

this was the guy that brought a textbook to a party bc he wanted to get lit but also had a test the next day to study for.

he’s been given so many expectations his whole life, he really doesn’t like it now. he just wants to be free and do his own thing.

he cares a lot about people, sometimes he’s too nice and doesn’t see the way it’ll back fire on him.

he’s smart in a lot of other ways. take him to a museum and it’s like returning an alien to the mothership. 

he believes in positive thinking, his mind is always open, and is never one to judge - or he tries not to judge bc he grew up judging other people that he doesn’t want to do that anymore.

he loves to be outdoors and walking around barefoot on the grass. 

a lot of things come easy to him. he’s sociable and charming, and loves adventure.

WANTED CONNECTIONS 

some connections based off of muse posts :)

one

two

three

four

five

six

seven

eight

nine

ten

besides that, i’m down for anything !

unrequited connections

toxic relationship/friendship

brotps

give me a SQUAD

first loves

childhood friendships

sibling type friendships

exes on good and bad terms

all the fwb~ 

creative type friends

enemies plots pls

crossword puzzle friends pls