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autosuns · 9 months ago

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Of Ambulon and Pharma and doomed amica endura

I'll preface that I'm the last person to try and explain my ships by how canon they are and this is very much the same case of me just entertaining the idea and what their relationship represents and what role they play in a wider story, this is not an invitation for discourse or a debate. It's just me rambling on why I like the ship so much, think Pharma and Ambulon are narrative foils, while using some canon stuff and word of god.

Jokes about hamburger or hot dog or literally anything regarding Ambulon's death will end in block idc I think it's obnoxious 👍

CW for robot gore, discussions of torture, you know, the package that comes with DJD and Decepticons and MTMTE.

When it comes to Ambulon and Pharma's relationship, I think it's fair to start with bare bones, yeah?

I'm going to start with each character individually, what my take on them is, so we're all on the same page.

Ambulon

So, the basics are:

Ambulon was part of the failed combiner project of decepticons, the first combiner at that. He has horrible alt mode, that brings him a lot of shame, so he prefers to keep it a secret. He switched to the Autobots, eventually.

We don't know for certain if he was created for the project, or was one of the "volunteers". What we do know though, is that he's an MTO specifically, not just constructed cold, and MTOs were a concept of war.

Meaning, he cant be older than the war. Meaning, in my personal opinion, he was either made for some operation, then snatched by Shockwave for the project, or was created already specifically for the project.

There, I think, comes a timeline conflict. It feels unfeasible, to me, that MTOs were made this early into the war, by Decepticons. What I think happened, is that Shockwave did try to experiment on other Decepticons to figure out and develop on Jhiaxus' research, but once MTOs as a concept came into the picture, it became infinitely easier to just have an alt mode pre-made for a mech.

Unless when Shockwave said he was going to give Megatron a gestalt he meant he'll postpone it for 4mil years and do it a little before he succeeded with Devastator so Ambulon deserting LITERALLY as he is picked out for the combiner project JUST to avoid it makes this line from him especially funny:

Boy for all we know you're not even 15 years old.

Also the idea that character like Ambulon did that out of some sort of cowardice, that THIS was his breaking point to join Autobots, feels wrong.

In-text it becomes even less likely Ambulon had a life before the project, as his name "Ambulon" seems to be the only one he ever had (judging by his statue post on Necroworld).

I think why I'm getting a Little long-winded explaining Ambulon is to draw a better picture on his experience with Decepticons, Specifically Shockwave.

That to say, he had a horrible one. He knows better than anyone what Decepticons are capable of and how far they will go/what Megatron would allow. Especially once DJD comes into the picture.

And it just emphasizes the way Ambulon in the end of it all chose kindness. The first issues he appeared in cement it very well, especially since most of his intro we get from First Aid's point of view.

Ambulon is tetchy, can be a gearstick sometimes

Ambulon took pity on the Decepticons he thought were hunted down by the DJD

Ambulon convinced Pharma to let them stay

The Genericons showed their scars to Ambulon specifically

Ambulon gets passionate about hate crimes concerning one's shape/alt mode

Ambulon is "tetchy" and rejects First Aid's idea because he's concerned that it's too risky

For Ambulon to put your own life on the line to save a single life is an act of selfishness (also stemming out of his concern for First Aaid, imo)

Ambulon let the Genericons share a cell

To sum it up: Ambulon is very greatly concerned for the greater good and treating people without bias, Decepticon or Autobot, especially when there's any sort of discrimination involved.

(Using Genericons and Triple M as a tool with Ambulon was a very clever foreshadowing for Ambulon's situation, but it is a general theme that runs in these issues and Ratchet's/medics character arcs, it's the functionism, one's shape and purpose in life, but it is a completely different post to make. Just let's keep the theme of one's shape and purpose in mind.)

The thing is, Ambulon is who he is by choice. His Decepticon past is always showing, whether he wants it or not, but all he wants, essentially, is to help people and treat them with kindness. He's a "gearstick", but he's a gearstick with a big spark. He saw the greater cruelty in Decepticons and made a choice to never participate in it.

Ambulon is an MTO who made his life and became what he wants to be despite everything: Decepticons, his alt-mode, biases, all of that. He's true to himself and his intentions.

I'm gonna also get this out of the way that Ambulon's established character is continuously ignored, dumbed down and twisted: the point is that I do believe JRO didn't think about him that much or that deep, and what he did with him did not retain with him into further issues. That is to say, "You're gonna let Dr DJD cut us in half?" is a dumb fucking line to come out of Ambulon specifically, makes no sense, too snarky and cruel all things considered, and while I think it's also very funny it jsut shows Ambulon's accidental insignificance. Ok. That's all.

Pharma

Oh boy this one's a doozy. Okay, listen, I'll try to get more brief with it, try to get straight to the point, but Pharma has so much nuance around him on a greater scheme of things that it might also just be it's own post. SO we'll just try to focus on his persona and relations to others.

Pharma is a doctor of talent on par with Ratchet, if not actually better. He used to be friends with him, he's implied to have used to do medical service in the new institute, and eventually was stationed on Delphi by Prowl, practically abandoned by Ratchet. There, he ends up being blackmailed by Tarn, ending up killing his patients to meet the increasing quota, being led to the brink of creating a virus that he exposes the facility to in hope to close it down and escape it scot-free. Obviously, because of Ratchet, it didn't work, the rest is history.

Unlike Ambulon with his 3 panels and a half of screentime worth talking about character-wise, Pharma is a combination of multiple things at once, his place as an Autobot, his connection to the DJD, his act, and most of his actual character we get from very few shots of him from the past and what people say of him, and just a little of his behavior at Delphi before his crime is revealed.

So I think we'll focus specifically on the Decepticon part when it comes to Pharma cuz it's much easier to talk about.

Pharma vehemently, without hiding it, hates Decepticons.

It will go into even bigger field of speculations than trying to piece Ambulon's character together for why he hates them so much. It could both just be a thrown in line for the story to flow (Genericons) and act as a foreshadowing (DJD blackmail), the fact of the matter is, he hates Decepticons, he does not have pity for Decepticons, and if DJD did not play into his hatred, years of war for sure did.

(Also worth mentioning that in the issue #4, the paralleling story is Tailgate learning about the war and backing off on his decision to be a Decepticon. The entire build up works very well, imo, and plays into just how much it should hit you when Pharma turns out providing for DJD, along with the choice of Ambulon to not be a Decepticon anymore.)

You see, I think Pharma is incredibly caring person. He cares for his patients and he cares for his people. He takes his work extremely seriously. He's willing to be a donor for his patient and he's still conducting research to cure illnesses when there was no legitimate point for him to do that anymore. He's not just a surgeon, but he's a virologist/epidemiologist.

But, probably when we ask ourselves, "So if he was such a wonderful doctor, equal to Ratchet, someone Ratchet recognizes, why wasn't he the Chief Medical Officer in the first place?"

I think it's mostly his personality. It's his hubris and ego. It's also the inherent societal bias of Cybertron when it comes to jets - though this part of worldbuilding isn't that consistent, he is a forged jet AND a doctor.

And that's also why I think he doesn't believe in that "forged" functionism bullshit. BUT thats another post of its own (take a shot every time i say that in this post).

Let's just bullet point this:

Pharma is a talented doctor who's good and dedicated to his job. Practically nothing is impossible for him and it becomes a focal point of his conflict with Ratchet, too.

That said, Pharma's shape is what, I think, is responsible for his hubris. He's a jet, he's forged, he's a doctor, but he's a doctor because HE, PHARMA, is good. Nothing to do with some God. (which is different from Ratchet's internalized functionism)

Pharma hates Decepticons, he tried to kill the DJD, and it may seem like he pushed it all on Ambulon because he was a Decepticon, but I don't think that's the case. Specifically because of this:

He does not see Ambulon as a Decepticon, and it was just panicked shitty lie he had to quickly come up with on the spot.

Pharma feels guilt for his actions, and after killing Ambulon, he's actively taunting First Aid to kill him.

Pharma is a jet doctor trapped in the loop of self-sabotage after being exploited, psychologically tortured and left for dead, after a poor attempt of saving face. Pharma is a jet doctor who embraced his new look, but couldn't live with it, far from accepting it. Furthermore, his body is used by Adaptus himself, where the only thing he could do is trying to get his body back, to help his comrades, only to end up dying, again.

That's where I'm going to use a single word of God that makes, all in all, a lot of sense.

"Grurdging respect" is about best way to describe Pharma and Ambulon.

Now since I've reached the image limit on this post it's relentless rambling and speculations time!

You probably can already tell where I'm going with this. I think Pharma and Ambulon direct inversions of each other.

Decepticon gone Autobot as a choice - Autobot gone rogue out of blackmail and fear of failure

MTO doing what he wants to do and taking control of his body and life, disconnected from a gestalt or his "purpose" - A forged jet trying to continue his career of a doctor despite all the odds but who's agency is continuously taken, not only by others but by his own ego

Where they overlap, is their desire to do what they want. Where they differ, is one's sincerity and other's toxicity.

Ambulon is someone Pharma would never be, and someone he, on meta level, wishes he was more like. He doesn't want to be Ratchet, even if we think a little about his obsession and desire to prove to Ratchet that he's better, he wants to be someone Ratchet would respect. And in the end of the day, it all didn't matter anymore, because clearly Ratchet never respected him enough in the first place: "waging a war on his body", taking body parts for his own gain (hands), that Pharma didn't even really care about anymore. It was personal. He wanted Ratchet to hurt.

All of this, ultimately, is justified. Little who would respond to knowing someone who betrayed you (and whom you, also, betrayed) also breached boundaries of your autonomy. It's just basic decency. I don't believe TFs never heard of that or don't follow it, in some fashion. Maybe it's more loose, but for the purpose of drama and villification of Pharma, it was convenient, I guess.

See, Pharma is just inherently, like anyone, very flawed. The circumstance he's put in and the war led to the worst of his qualities spike. And in relation to Ambulon, it's the inverse of a person who, having seen the horrors of the war, having been through the horror and the existential dread of being in a gestalt, chose kindness anyway.

"Grudging respect". A jet doctor, a genius, and an ex-soldier MTO, who made the choice of helping people. An ex-Decepticon, too, no less.

See how it could've developed into something more?

Both eager to do their job, Ambulon is a perfect stabilizer for Pharma's general emotional response to things. He may be a good doctor, but he's prone to acting and saying things before really thinking about it. Ambulon is capable of convincing him and giving a good argument, without it being personal.

"Grudging respect" with Ambulon working with one of the best doctors out there, who's work is going to be invaluable even after his death.

And if things worked out differently? Do you think Ambulon wouldn't be there to sympathize with Pharma's trauma regarding DJD? Do you think Ambulon wouldn't pity Pharma for what Tarn put him through? Ambulon? The Decepticon who was there? The one who even should fear DJD the most? The one who might've even triggered DJD once he was so close on the radar?

He might've confided in Pharma in the first place, as someone literally second in charge after him.

Pharma and Ambulon are defying Adaptus as a societal concept, among with the existential idea of your shape dictating your purpose. And within the text they don't just defy, they end up suffering the most out of it - Pharma ends up in a position where his hands are praised more than he, as a person, is, Ambulon dies by these hands, and his death dooms Pharma as well.

I hope it was comprehensive enough, i WISH i could include more images to prove my point. The amica endura would've been insane. If only the circumstance was different.

#idw1 #ambulon #pharma #pharmbulon #transformers #i think i might've lost track of my own thoughts once or twice while typing but i think ive explained it as brief and clear as i could #because. theres so much. of ambulon and pharma in my head

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tigreblvnc · 5 months ago

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BLUE LOCK MATCHUP — @araerry

Your match is...

— Michael Kaiser

✦ OK, this intro is going to be very long and unnecessary, BUT

✦ I had to tell you about my writing process for your matchup.

✦ I read your entire bio in one go, commenting out loud, and I thought it was rare to read such depth in someone's words. It's not common and it intrigued me a lot.

✦ Honestly, I think very few characters can match you because it would require someone who can truly understand who you are, and I don't think that's something everyone can do.

✦ … And it might seem ultra paradoxical to you, but I actually thought of many people to match you with! However, there was always something missing or unconvincing.

✦ My choice was therefore quite limited, and not knowing your age range, even though I thought of some older characters, I refrained from going in that direction. But I'll tell you more at the end of the post if you're interested, where I'll mention the other characters I considered for a match.

✦ I thought of older characters because you really evoke someone who has long since surpassed adolescence! I know the particular context in which you grew up has a lot to do with it, and that's why I couldn't see myself matching you with someone still too immature.

✦ We haven't even gotten to the heart of the matchup yet, but I find your profile extraordinarily interesting. I mean, as a person behind your screen, you must be someone really fascinating to be around. This is the first time I've received such a detailed description with such precise content, so really, thank you! It's a blessing for me.

✦ (I love getting so much material; the more I have, the more I want to write!! MOUHAHAHA)

✦ -- Well, you're rambling but you still haven't started the headcanons, Yuno, right…

✦ First of all… It may sound cliché, but I absolutely wanted the suitor to be capable of spontaneously bringing flowers lol

✦ It's my romantic side speaking…

✦ This is the first time I'm giving Kaiser to someone, and I was waiting for very specific traits to say "this is the right person".

✦ In my understanding of his character, he absolutely needs someone who can take care of others. This is the very foundation of the relationship.

✦ "my maturity also comes from me being an older sister, in friend groups I’m usually the big sister of the group (sometimes mother) even If i’m usually always the baby of the group." -> THIS. It's exactly what I was waiting for!!!

✦ We can say that he is now independent and master of himself, but I believe that all his wounds come from the fact that no one knew how to give him love in his childhood.

✦ "with emotions I find it very hard to express my emotions, for me emotions are very complicated, I never can understand what I feel or what others feel" I don't see him being good at expressing his feelings either, because he was never given the space to do so.

✦ "and this is how my big psychology interest was born" He did it too, partly for personal gain. But I think if today we see him more expressive (it's relative, but he is still much more communicative than in the past when he joined Bastard München), it's thanks to his study of psychology. Imitating the behavior of others to blend in better. Understanding others to manipulate them better…

✦ Maybe you could see through his game. You show little emotion, you talk little about what you feel. It makes you hard to read, and… all the more desirable for those who try.

✦ Your first meeting probably took place in the past, after Kaiser was arrested by the police. They noticed his condition and his injuries, the treatment he was undergoing. He had to be taken to the hospital to check that nothing was broken. It was during this short period that you first saw each other.

✦ He saw the flowers you were growing.

✦ Guess where his tattoo comes from?

✦ (I'm going to create a whole lore about you and an alternative origin of his tattoo)

✦ I think that before you, he hadn't interacted with many other children his age either. He had always lived locked up, with no one to take care of him. He didn't go to school at all and learned the basics of life on his own. Reading, writing, stealing.

✦ This gap with society was a decisive element in your relationship.

✦ If he didn't listen to anyone, neither doctors nor police officers, wanted to hit everyone… I like to imagine that when he saw you, everything in him calmed down.

✦ For the first time, Kaiser wanted to listen to someone talk.

✦ And you were so calm, so shy.

✦ But he intrigued you, this wild boy from nowhere.

✦ Both of you had trouble with social norms. You didn't understand them, it wasn't your world.

✦ I think he was sincerely touched by your situation, even if he didn't physically show it.

✦ "I don’t like people," when he heard you say that, he felt like he was hearing himself.

✦ "I don't like them either," he replied.

✦ Between you, it was a game of taming. Distant, secret, silent, very powerful.

✦ You probably talked about very hard and painful subjects together, especially for your age. But it only scared others who couldn't imagine that two children could have such strength of character.

✦ Maybe he showed you what his father did to him.

✦ Never with words. Only showing.

✦ You understood, every time.

✦ "people have said that I remind them of old paintings" I can understand if they said that because you are someone pleasant to look at. You must have something peaceful, exuding a serenity immortalized, like in a painting. The features of Renaissance paintings are rather soft, you know?

✦ Speaking of painting, I'm sure he liked watching you paint. He didn't say anything, just sat on the floor, watching you brush the canvas. It had something restful, hypnotic that helped him fall asleep. It was something beautiful, and Kaiser had never seen anything beautiful until then.

✦ By any chance, did you draw him while he was sleeping?

✦ "I like sculpturing, mostly Hellenistic sculptures (classical Greek sculptures)" Kaiser's physical appearance tells me he would make a superb Greek statue, and maybe in the future, once the World Cup is won, you'll be the one to create it.

✦ "I’ve always been told I’m intimidating and hard to approach because of my face and my 'aura'" Honestly, I don't think Kaiser ever felt intimidated looking at you. He simply saw someone who, like him, was tired of life.

✦ I want to say that, due to the conditions in which he grew up, his general knowledge was very undeveloped. You talked to him about the stars, he remembers, and today he knows which direction to look at the sky to find their constellation.

✦ "I also love flowers and birds I know so many flower meanings and have a garden where I grow many flowers and plants actually" Were there any of those plants in your room? The ones Kaiser saw the first time he came.

✦ I like to imagine that even after joining Bastard München, a part of you remained etched in him.

✦ The dishes served by the club were never good. Never as good as the ones you made for him.

✦ Maybe you are one of the few to have a photo of him before his rise in football.

✦ "I have dark red hair (I dyed it)" I think he asked Ness for a blue gradient in his hair to echo your red hair dyed by yourself. It struck him when he saw you with it.

✦ Nowadays, he's in the middle of a match against PXG in Japan. It's right now that he's proving himself, learning to deconstruct himself to bring out the best version of himself. I like to think that once he returns to Germany, it will be to come and see you and say "I did it."

✦ It's to those we love that we are the proudest to announce our successes.

A word about your match: Okay, I gave everything I had in this matchup lol. Hope you enjoyed it. BY THE WAY, the other ones I thought of were Ego (yes), Rin, Sae, Chigiri, and Yukimiya, the latter two partly because they had known the hospital too.

#blue lock #blue lock x reader #bllk #bllk x reader #blue lock matchup #blue lock headcanons #matchups #michael kaiser #kaiser x reader #michael kaiser x reader #suo matchups

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cannibalovers · 11 months ago

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Hannibal song of the day : song no. 5

a bit about the song:

"Breezeblocks"(released in 2012) is song by alt-J, written by Thom Sonny Green, Gwilym Sainsbury, Gus Unger-Hamilton & Joe Newman(the whole group), most likely their most popular song. It starts off mellow and quiet guitar, interchanging between build ups and drops with synthesisers and a lot of deep bass, drums and other percussion instruments till the end of the song, which ends with an arrangement of overlapping vocals, like a choir. It fits genres like indie rock, indie pop, art rock and folktronica. The song itself tells a story of two lovers, where one of them wants to leave the relationship, feeling unsafe and unfulfilled but the other is obsessive and deranged and so in love that they don't let the other leave, the desire and love being so strong that they dare to hurt their lover and themselves just to make them stay. There can be another meaning to the song when taking the music video into the account(that the group themselves said is kind of different but managed to fit the vibe), which is filmed in reverse, presenting a narrative where a man kills a woman(maybe an ex or smth) who was most likely keeping his wife hostage. Since the chain of events is presented in reverse, it looks as if the man is the abusive lover trying to kill his wife, although by the end we find out he was actually defending his wife and killed the woman that kidnapped his wife, sending a message to not judge a book by its cover - don't assume and judge until you know the full story. It also references a book "Where the Wild Things Are" by Maurice Sendak, talking about a young boy who misbehaved badly at home and got scolded for it. His hostile and intense emotions sent him to an imaginary jungle with creatures called "The Wild Things". In this world, he feels appreciated and powerful as the wild things make him a king, but as soon as he realises the responsibilities a king has are hard, he wants to leave and go back home, to his loving mother who took care of him and coudl depend on, but the creatures don't want him to leave, threatening cannibalism (woah i wonder why I am writing this), saying "Oh, please don’t go! We’ll eat you whole! We love you so!". The band thought of it as a very powerful image and referenced these words in the song. In the end, the boy does manage to get away, unlike the lover of this song.

yeah sorry for the long intro to the song um. i've loved this song for years I swear I could listen to it forever so.

overall the song creates such a chilling mix between aggression and affection it's just so fucking insane and well. very hannigram. I think that was expected. Tbh i feel like it's prob known to fannibals, i made a post once asking ppl for song recommendations for hannibal and this song has shown up a few times and honestly? it fits them SO. WELL. especially when you think about the whole mizumono episode. The music video reminded me of mizumono a lot... so I'll be basing this on that episode a lot...

Pardon me for the pain i'm gonna provide today<3

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Verse 1

"She may contain the urge to run away But hold her down with soggy clothes and breezeblocks"

The girl doesn't want to be in the relationship with the man anymore, maybe recognizing that he is not in a good state of mind or she just believes they're not fit for each other anymore, whichever it is, she is contemplating getting out of the relationship, which she feels trapped in, or the man feels like he's scaring her away, hence her "running away"; He doesn't like this, being way too attached for her, he can't just let her run away after the comfort she brought him and the strong emotions he developed towards her, so he decided to weigh her down (literally) by drowning her with breezeblocks. Metaphorically, Breezeblocks are blocks used for building houses and are supposed to represent foundation here, so perhaps he has been making her stay by guilt tripping her about everything that they have built together and the fact that she can't just "leave behind" the trust, support, stability and safety that they have gained from each other - the foundation of their relationship. After she wasn't giving her idea of leaving up, he decided to actually weight her down with their foundation in forms of breezeblocks. In my eyes, the soggy clothes could also have a little bit of meaning, soggy clothes being quite uncomfortable and probably clinging to her(just like he does) - perhaps they're soggy from the times he was guilt tripping her, perhaps tears were shed and her clothes getting soggy just represent the manipulation and fakeness of them, or the severity of the situation and how long it has been going on and how this has affected her (made her feel heavy at heart and uncomfortable)

I think these lyrics summarise THE monologue in Mizumono and hannigram's plans quite perfectly. Will wanting to run away (from hannibal unfortunately...) and as Hannibal realised his plan of betrayal, reacted very aggressively by literally gutting him (sogging his clothes with blood ig) and breaking down the foundation they have built, more or so with words, but also the knife he uses. At this point I have no idea if its a linoleum knife (knife used for building, houses, rugs and FOUNDATIONS OF A BUILDING.) or a kerambit or smth else but I'll stick to the linoleum here(also check out this post about his choice for the knife, it drives me fucking insane) and say that this is how Hannibal tears down the foundation they have built together. Not only does he gut him, he talks to Will about how betrayed he feels that he was planning to leave him, after letting Will see him, after building this foundation of trust and support for each other. Hannibal was there, understanding Will and offering support and stability and he saw that Will could provide it for him back, which he chose to do only to get closer to him to betray him and take away his happiness (Will...) and stable, carefully crafted life he had. Will was something very important to Hannibal, a person that changed him and made him feel love for once, and then he lied about accepting him. He can't handle losing Will so he would make him stay and tear him down, hurt him, if that's what it would take.

"Cetirizine, your fever’s gripped me again Never kisses, all you ever send are fullstops (La la la la)"

Citrizine is a medicine used for fevers, suggesting the man is so obsessed with her that she makes him ill and stressed (overheated and overwhelmed and overthinking, hence the fever) and he needs medicine. She is constantly rejecting him, rejecting his affections and never giving any to him but instead stopping him, although it can also allude to texts, her not ending them with "xx" (kisses) but with full stops, being quite cold and distant with him.

well first, for the show it can allude to how Hannibal literally gave Will a fever and the amount of aspirin Will took cuz of that if we take this literally, but that mean the roles would have to switch so, instead in my eyes I think of how bothered and overwhelmed Will probably made Hannibal feel the more interested and obsessive he got over Will. I can't imagine how many times this man probably thought of him everyday and overthought stuff (jesus seriously hes obsessed) and how ill and diseased (although alive) Hannibal probably felt (maybe diseased and ill after he knew Will's plan...); the affections the girl is rejecting from her lover could represent how distant Will was with Hannibal at first.

"Do you know where the wild things go? They go along to take your honey (La la la la)"

This is a reference from the book "Where the Wild Things Are". The band suggested that the lyrics are about jealousy, the protagonist being jealous of other people who are catching his lovers attention instead of him, maybe this is a conversation between them about this concern, telling his lover that those people are bad and will use her and leave her(take away her honey); Maybe he's trying to convince her that he would never do that - although he technically is, eating away at whatever support and love(the honey) she has to offer for him.

I feel like this presents why Hannibal decided to isolate Will in the first place, taking away everything from him (or at least how he wants Will to see it, as we know that he was just trying to make his plan come true and return some of the things Will cared about so much). He saw everything that Will had interest in (Alana, Abigail, although he kept her for Will, Margot's child etc) as a threat to his plan of having Will all to himself and so he took them away - because he believed that they were both bad for Will but also because they were not in Hannibal's best interest. Also doesn't he like kill Will's wife in season 3 idk yet dont tell me

"Break down, now weep, build up breakfast Now let’s eat, my love, my love, love, love (La la la la)"

This probably references the many fights the couple had and protagonist's method of trying to make it up to her by trying to get back into a loving, normal routine, forgetting the fights, doing things such as letting her sleep it off and making a breakfast, starting the day over - The breakfast being his love for her. This is most likely to say that acts of service for her would be his love language and he would feel loved if she accepted his services, as well as offerings(his love) he makes for her.

for Hannibal:

do i like. have to explain this one

first of all lets be real cooking and making ppl commit accidental cannibalism is his love language (even better when they are aware of it and accept it knowingly so u dont have to make them commit accidental cannibalism to feel like u're normal for enjoying it and ure not a monster and God didn't punish u by making u eat ur own sister and enjoy it and that they accept and understand u for this and are def not doing it as a manipulation tactic to get u closer to them... that's not smth Will would do to Hannibal wdym)

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Chorus

"Muscle to muscle and toe to toe The fear has gripped me, but here I go My heart sinks as I jump up Your hand grips hand as my eyes shut And I, ah-ah-ah-ah"

The chorus seems to depict the the physical fight going between the two lovers. The protagonist doesn't seem to be in his right mind as he says that even though the fear tried to stop him, he has lost control and is now hurting his loved one (or himself) - His fear of rejection making him not handle this situation well and taking the last leap of faith to "save" the relationship by physically forcing her into it. The harm can either be to himself or her, maybe threatenening suicide and her gripping his hand to stop him, or him hitting her and her trying to deflect his hand with her own.

For Hannibal, it's literally,,gutting Will. Or any physical fight or holding each other at gun point or any murder attempt they had. In mizumono, Hannibal is visibly heartbroken by Will's decisions, maybe regretting the choices hes about to take. Maybe for once he felt some fear hurting another person, the person being Will, but he pushes through it, knowing it had to be done, to show Will how he made him feel. The physical contact in this chorus could represent the hug that they shared (the most heartbreaking hug in tv history). His feelings seem to contrast with the violence in that scene so much it makes me so fucking depressed

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Verse 2

"[...}She bruises, coughs, she splutters pistol shots Hold her down with soggy clothes and breezeblocks"

The words have a violent imagery to them, maybe to show the lover fighting back and still not agreeing to stay, maybe even trying to hurt him, her words feeling like pistol shots to him, or it could represent her drowning, trying to catch a breath. If that's what is happening, then he tries to remind himself of his point and to not help her, because she will run away - it's better to hold her down and make her stay.

Will's most common weapons is a gun or his hands and words, so i guess it fits his image quite well(not to mention the amounts of time he held Hannibal at gun point lol). These clearly never seemed to have affected Hannibal (until the last supper) and he continues through with his plan of taking everything away from Will, showing what he has lost by not staying by Hannibal's side.

"She’s morphine, queen of my vaccine My love, my love, love, love (La la la la)"

The protagonist compares her to morphine, a drug used to help with pain - clearly he is very dependent on her and uses her for emotional stability and support, losing that would make him insecure and breakdown, he can't lose her after the vulnerability he shared with her. This also fits with the expression "Love is a drug", which to him, her love is clearly like a drug, he has become obsessed, needing her love all the time, addicted to her, suggesting the intensity of emotions she makes him feel and just how obsessed he is - that's why he can't let her go.

The contrast between the dark, violent and destructive comparisons he makes of her, ignoring those destructive feelings and calling her his "love" really deepens the juxtaposition between aggression and affection the song potrays and shows just how blind the protagonist is.

I feel like this fits Hannibal's feelings about Will quite well, considering how obsessed he is with him, to the point of destruction and isolating him to have him all to himself (and also the fact that my man was CRYING after putting Will in prison, missing their therapy sessions. LIKE BITCH). He really puts Will high up on a pedestal, suggesting just how important and addictive Will is to him and how dependent he has become on Will after opening up to him, maybe even feeling like Will numbs his pain and loneliness of never being accepted for who he actually was.

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Verse 3

"[...]Germolene, disinfect the scene, my love, my love, love, love But please don't go, I love you so, my lovely"

This is the aftermath of the protagonist killing his lover. He realises that he killed her, getting an anticeptic(clearly unprepared for this and panicking, using some at-home antiseptic instead of something proper) to disinfect the scene off of his DNA. The realisation quickly hits him of what he has done, making him spiral into a breakdown as he realises that his actions didn't make her stay, they made her dead forever.

Hannibal clearly doesn't disinfect the scene in mizumono, he doesn't even wear his plastic suit or use the cloth that he always uses to not leave finger prints, there was no point in hiding anything anymore, Will helped FBI see through him, although we do see him "cleansing" himself off of the events by walking in the rain and trying to "comfort" Will, telling him to "wade into the quiet of the stream". I don't think these specific lyric apply to the situation much disinfection-wise, although it can represent Hannibal's state of mind, especially after realising everything he has done and the regret that came with it(does he feel guilty tho? i have no idea but the begging and love confessions in this line def represent his obsession and love for Will which left him very heartbroken after everything that was done)

also could represent Will........ him wanting to turn back, if he could only reverse time, undo the events so Abigail lives and everyone else lives..............ouch

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Refrain

"Please don't go, please don't go I love you so, I love you so Please don't go, please don't go I love you so, I love you so Please break my heart (Hey!) Please don't go, please don't go I love you so, I love you so Please don't go, please don't go I love you so, I love you so Please break my heart[...]"

the most beautiful part of the song in my opinion tbh. The layers, the build up, the overlapping vocals, it's all just so overwhelming and emotional and vulnerable.

the protagonist spirals, realising what he has done but not wanting it to be true, he's not ready yet to let go of his lover, slowly, he's losing self control and giving into his violent desires, he threatens cannibalism if she goes away(she can't really do anything my dude...) as he frantically confessse to her that he loves her. He just loves her so much and needs her so much, the desire is so strong that he will consume her if it means that she stays right beside him(or inside him), craving that impossible closeness, it's a way to forever remain with a loved one. This whole refrain is just so incredibly contradicting and depressing and desparate its insane

now, it's no secret that Hannibal doesn't want to let Will go and even consume him. He wants him to live but at the same time he wants to taste him, devour him. To love is to consume, but to consume is to devour and transform in reusable energy. He wants him as close as possible and for Will to accept his desires and give himself up, let him be his - but clearly that's not what Will wanted (yet).

...This one is so straightfoward especially considering Hannibal that I don't even know what to say really. The song itself just says it all perfectly.

in conclusion they are fucking insane for this and breezeblocks is the ultimate hannigram (specifically mizumono) song. 11/10

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additional notes:

was so excited for this one but i actually wrote less than i thought wow but maybe thats also cuz most of the song repeats. or im tired

idk if its cuz i literally dont know how to explain cannibalism as a metaphor of love or why but. at the same time the song just describes pretty well on its own

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my playlist

hope you enjoyed and thanks for reading<3

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softcitrus2345 · 1 year ago

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Hello! This may sound a bit weird, but do you have any advice or recommendations on getting into this niche? I've kind of been watching from afar on several blogs, and I really want to try and test the waters! But I'm not really sure how to go about it, and I'm super scared that I'll end up just talking to a brick wall, having my mutuals find out, or have people ridicule me :')

Thank you for any and all help - I love your art!! Been hanging around for a while now and the progress you've made is so cool

- Clueless Anon

Oh I totally getcha! That's not a weird question at all! /gen /pos

Starting out with this kinda thing is really difficult, I know from experience. It took me months to hype myself up enough to even create this blog, let alone start posting on it, and I had (and still kinda do) those same fears you expressed, they're all very valid but hopefully what I share can help a bit with making your experience more manageable :3

The information I'll share here consists of opinions based on my personal experience posting on this blog, and getting into the belly kink community in general

I'll break it up into steps from what I sorta did when I started out so it makes a bit more sense.

STRUCTURE YOUR BLOG - Make an introduction post with general information about what to expect from your blog, and some other information about yourself if you want to. I like to include a few other things like some of my hard boundaries and leave it as a PINNED POST so that anyone who comes across your account will see this information

BLOCK YOUR MUTUALS - I have the same exact fear of being "found out" by people im close to or just know outside of this space, so once you set up the bare essentials on your blog, look for your mutuals accounts and block them. If you think a mutual of yours might have a blog but you're not sure, ask them! (Something I did was I asked my mutuals to send me their blogs so I could check them out when in reality it was so I could do this exact thing) Don't see blocking as something inherently malicious or bad, it's just a protective measure and a way to curate your experience on the internet in a way that is comfortable for you!

INTERACT WITH YOUR FELLOW ARTISTS! - I know it may not seem like something super important, but interacting with other artists is a very good way to establish yourself in the community, reblogging, tagging and replying to posts you like with nice comments have the potential for others to check out your blog or interact with you as well! I got lucky enough that I found similar communities outside of Tumblr beforehand, but it's still an effective way to get yourself out there and seen!

START POSTING! - Besides my intro post, my first post was something that I wanted to curate in a way that would encourage conversation. I shared several of my ocs that I planned on posting here and some basic information about them, and opened up asks! It's always gonna be a pretty slow start, but as long as you put the time into your work and are passionate about what you want to share, people will find your stuff! It's hard sometimes, especially when comparing yourself to others is such a common thing for people to deal with (including myself sometimes) but everyone's gotta start somewhere!

Starting out anywhere is difficult in itself, but with things like this that are more sensitive subjects for people, I completely understand your uncertainty and nervousness about sharing this kind of content online. But as long as you're not hurting anyone or sharing harmful content, I don't see why people should be so stinky about others just trying to explore different parts of themselves and their interests.. Kinks shouldn't inherently be seen as something to be ashamed of just because someone doesn't understand it. I've been lucky enough to have close friends in this community who have helped me become more comfortable with myself and with sharing my chonky art, and I'm incredibly grateful for that.

I'm flattered you came to me for advice, I hope some of that can help you on your journey, and thank you for sticking around for so long, it means a lot to have your support ;;w;; 💖

I hope things go well for you! I'm cheering you on anon!!

#softcitrus asks #clueless anon #niche blog #rambles

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sunset-a-story · 5 months ago

Text

Get To Know Your Moots Writeblr Interview

Thank you to @ceph-the-ghost-writer who tagged me in this and you should def go read their post here! And thanks to @davycoquette for creating the event!

On the Tumblr Writing Community

How long have you had your writing Tumblr/Writeblr?

Since November 2022

What led you to create it?

After having a beyond shitty 2020-2021 and pulling away from social media in general, a friend suggested I give tumblr a shot. I was also desperately looking for beta readers for Sunset and wanted to get involved in a writer community.

What’s your favorite thing about the Writeblr community?

The people! Getting to connect with writers whose brains work like mine!! And getting to rotate their ocs in my head! I've made some incredible friendships through writeblr that I wouldn't trade for anything.

What’s one thing you’d like your mutuals to know about you?

I am as obsessed about Sunset as I seem (possibly more--let's not get into it) but I also love listening to people talk about the things they're obsessed with so I'm always up to exchange some excitement about our respective projects. Also, I'm hella dyslexic so if we chat, be warned you may get some word salad from me sometimes.

Is there anything you’d like to see more of on your dash?

I love seeing little quotes or snippets of info about OCs that help me become obsessed with them. And out of context lines/dialogue! Those are always a delight.

What tips/advice do you have for someone who made a Writeblr today?

Just put yourself out there! It took me a long time to be comfortable posting anything at all but that's the only way people can get a sense of your stories. Also, don't be scared to reach out to other writeblrs through asks and dms. We're a shy breed but once you corner us into a conversations, you've unleashed a flood of excitement.

WIP it Good

Which Works-in-Progress (WIPs) or writing projects are you noodling about, lately?

Sunset is my main project that I'm writing with my partner @touloserlautrec. It's a behemoth 2,000+ pages of converging plotlines and slow burn romance and intrigue and monster hunting. It's everything I love in a story wrapped up into one. Volume 1 (Sunrise) is out, Volume 2 (High Noon) is releasing weekly, and Volume 3 (Sunset) is probably 75% drafted. (Links in my intro if this somehow reaches someone who isn't already following me.) I've also been poking at a fluff side project to blow off steam for the first time in forever. It's a fluffy romance urban/fantasy with fae and a gay strip club. Just 'cause. I don't know that I'll ever post what I'm writing of this, but who knows?

How long have you been working on them?

Sunset for about 17 years, but seriously writing it for the past 8 years. Fluff Side Project? A month?

Do you remember what inspired them/what got you started?

I ran an in-person RPG back in college that led Tou and I to create the world of Sunset and the initial core cast (Reeve, Alex, Hannah, Gareth, Misha, Adler) and then it all spiraled out from there. Fluff Side Project comes from some characters we made just playing around in a world we created as a no-stress play zone. The problems are smaller. The stakes are nothing like the high tension world of Sunset. It's fun. It's gay as hell. It's fluffy. And July is my least favorite month so I decided, hey, why not write it down while I've got writer's block for Sunset?

How much time, in your best estimation, do you spend thinking about them?

Sunset: 28 hours a day. Fluff: I squeeze in 3 or 4 hours in the evening.

When someone asks the dreaded, “What do you write about,” question, what do you usually say?

I struggle to answer this question and it depends on who is asking. If it's on tumblr? I say I write science-fantasy slow build action with horror elements and lots of intrigue. IRL? I deflect.

What do you want to say (if it’s different from what you do say)?

I write about ruining Alex and Reeve's life.

Let’s Rotate Blorbos

Name any characters you created.

There. Are. Too. Many. My favorite babies from my head are Reeve, Penn, Marek, and Anise.

Who’s the most unhinged?

Hannah is my most unhinged trash-panda gremlin. My nudist sniper. Ace Queen. Never shave, never surrender.

Who comes the most naturally for you to write?

Reeve. And yes, that does worry me. (And my therapist.)

Do you ever cringe at them?

The #drag Reeve tag is a thing for a reason. (But really, I love him dearly and he doesn't truly deserve to be dragged as much as he is imo. It's a good bit tho)

How much control do you feel you have over your characters?

I can wrangle when I need to but they do feel like independent little critters in my head. Writing for me tends to be me transcribing the movie I'm watching in my head while muttering, "OHMYGOD Hannah are you seriously going to say that? What is wrong with you?" Or "Reeve. Reeve. REEVE NO."

Do you enjoy people asking questions about your characters?

OMFG YES. Please give me any excuse to talk about these guys.

On Writeblr Engagement

What makes you want to follow another Writeblr account?

If I jive with their WIP concepts or they have interesting OCs. Fantasy or sci-fi elements. Queerness. I'm more likely to follow if their intro has something about wanting to connect writers who are looking to hype each other up because that is what I am also looking for.

What makes you decide against following?

If their blog is full of hateful stuff or just super negative.

Do you interact with non-mutuals often?

Sure! I'm new enough to Tumblr that the lore of mutuals and non-mutuals hasn't rooted in my brain enough for me to super know which is which in my feed except for my small core group of moots I talk to regularly. So I interact with whatever posts catch my attention, moot or not.

Do your mutuals’ characters occupy space in your noodle?

OHMYGODYES. There is a little mobile of characters and animals (a fish and some frogs) that dangles over my little brain threatening to distract me at all times.

I'll no-pressure tag some of my beloved moots here that I haven't seen recently tagged with this: @scribe-of-stories @words-after-midnight @pandoras-comment-box @revenantlore

@void-botanist @covenscribe And of course, anyone else who wants to do it!

You can find the clean question template here

#writeblr interview game

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enricocha · 1 year ago

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✨Intro-Post✨

(last update 04/09/24)

u can call me Enrico/Enri/En/Enri'ch/Ench/Rico/Cocha/etc., whatever you want!:33

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¡Bright Warning!

pls remember, most of my works have very bright shadows, so before you watch them, lower the brightness (I'm so sorry if I burned out your eyes:(...)

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I don't take

commission

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Art Requests

4.09. 24

[Close now]

01. 08. 24

-allowed: your Ocs/Fandom character

-not allowed: ships (I can't draw it, please dont ask.) nsfw/gore/other bad messages too.

-you can request my art 2 times

-the request can include up to 2 persons maximum

-i can decline request if it is immoral

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about questions:

dont be shy and ask questions as much as you want or say something

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If you want to do art trade/collab with me, then write to me in DM

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Please don't repost my artwork without credits if want to use or repost it

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A some info about me:

I love every rose/pink colours >:3 (without sexism about this please-)

I madly adore cappuccino:33

i dunno Spanish (Did I just choose the male pseudonym, ok?)

i think its all what i want to tell about me. idk for this you, but why not? :D

oh, btw, I barely understand English colloquial abbreviations, so I'm sorry if it causes an incident, I'm bad at that too-

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Things I post:

just arts if i can call it like that-

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Have fun! I'm happy to share my joy with everyone through my artwork, draw or cheer up, if I can:)

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other my blogs on tumblr:

@gsfan

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¡(please DNI if you are)!: proshipper, rasist (don't mock someone because of nationality), pedos, groomer, fetishist, racist, NSFW fan, transphobe, sexist, immoral persons, lovers of controversial topics and etc. (all basic creterias*). i will block these people like you and persons who tries to flirt with me.

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✨my sona's ref:✨

(it's an ordinary person in a mask and an oversized hoodie)

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To be honest, I'm very bad at English grammar, so I use a translator.

Im creator of ⛰️MountainsTale⛰️ (unfinished now)

08.05.24

I'm still working on my au, but I'll be honest, I'm not able to write anything except fanfic yet (I'll probably never be happy with the plot I wrote myself) and I have a lot of unsuccessful designs for most of the characters, including Rudy (aka Gaster in this au). My inner tedious-self will never let me write a non-logical plot without explaining any details, unfortunately:>

01.08.24

I have the plot and less characters written there, such as: Rudy (Gaster), Sans, Chara, Papyrus, Frisk and the concepts of the rest.

Rudy, by the way, has a human name for a reason. And I'll be honest, I was partially inspired by Glichtale, but there is not and will not be a soul/trait of fear.

I'm also working on a fanon of monster/humans/magic now (it's a very long T_T).

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I btw.... when I gave my sona a name/nicname, I didn't know how her name was translated (I mean "Enrich" ). I actually didn't even know that the name Enri existed (I was 12 when I created she) and honestly just took and combined my real name with the name of my past gacha club sona. My English is still bad enough, but when I first started my blog here it was even worse :D (I didn't even know what mutuals, dnis and all that were, lol). I don't even understand how those with whom I communicated tolerated my stupidity:_)

i know that its male name, but auuuuuuuugh, i got used to this name, my sona has already been wearing it for 3 years (and not the first one)

AND THOSE PEOPLE WHO KNOW MY REAL NAME SOMEHOW, dont call me by my irl name, just dont. I dislike it and It destroys my own privacy, dont do it, okay?...

Now I'm trying to learn English and I don't come here often, but understand that I just don't have enough time for anything. And it is important to note that my knowledge of English is poor, because I started learning it not from an early age, but about 2-3 years ago, and now I am only able to translate a text into my native language without a translator.

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I also sometimes don't control my anxiety when communicating with anyone, so I'm sorry for that (I just get eaten up by my a sociaphobia sometimes-).

im introvert irl.

yes, I know I'm chatty and I'm always talking, but hey, why do I need a reason to hang out with someone here who want to yap with me too? I'm happy to chat with anyone if you also want to talk to me and don't fall under one of the criteria of DNI (written above)

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I'm not against criticism, on the contrary, I'm even for it, I'll be glad to read it to understand my mistakes^^

Please don't hit me with cursing words, I'm not an artist. Well, or at least I don't consider myself one-

I just draw arts in my spare time to relax from the stress of the day. I've been drawing for about 3-4 years. I tried to go to an art class (I studied there for 6.5 years), but I was expelled because I can't draw anything except "cartoons" (idk how they determined this:/ So, I very hate this school because it deprived me of self-esteem, bullied me and pretty gave me a burnout). This is probably not surprising, considering that I took a 5-month break from art class due to terrible emotional burnout ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (I came to this school and couldn't even pick up a pencil). Anyways, I really like to draw, and I sincerely love all my artwork (except maybe super old- ), no matter how bad and anatomically incorrect they may be. I cant deny they were right when said :"You never become to an artist, its not correctly, etc.", but aaaaaaaa, I love draw, cuz It lets my imagination run wild and allows me to relieve the stress and pain that people in my school cause me, so even if I'm not an artist, no one will stop me from drawing all sorts of garbage, I love it!

(p. s. I don't know how to draw traditional arrrrrrtttssssss its too difficult-)

To be honest, if I hadn't started a blog where I share my art to day, I probably would have given up drawing and wouldn't have improved it if I hadn't been inspired by the people I subscribe to here. I used to be very afraid to publish my work anywhere at a younger age (mostly because of the very aggressive community in which I was a member for some time). I really thought that I would face a barrage of criticism (non-constructive ofc) there, but here are very kind people here, really no kidding, most of you are such cool and pleasant guys💗!

oh- i reblog very rarely cuz I forget this very often :_)

eh. my memory is really very short, but somehow its not a persistent amnesia.

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Have a great day to everyone who has visited my blog or read this post! :D ... And.. I want to hug u🫂, srry if I embarrassed u with this (*´▽`*)

#my art #master-post #sona #info about my blog

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waterparksdrama · 2 years ago

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ok now do Greatest Hits

took me a while, sorry anon but i needed to be in a certain mood for it and i'm more willing to listen to this in full even if it's long.

greatest hits - as far as intro songs go i think this is a good one. i like the vocal effects and the way it builds into this stormy atmosphere before going quiet again. 8/10

fuzzy - FUCK YEAH FUZZY WOOOOOOO!!!!! this song is so chewy i don't know how to explain it. the song is about awsten's sleepless nights/sleep paralysis/nightmares but in a really fun way and there's no annoying lyrics here i literally cannot complain about this song the bassline is godly. 10/10

lowkey as hell - and from that hype we are brought back down. i was kinda meh about this song when this came out and i'm still like kinda meh about it lol. it's very much a waterparks song (big rock chorus, lyrics complaining about something stupid that no one else would really) but nothing that really makes it stands out. i think the lyrical sentiment of trying to be there for someone whether it be fans or friends despite your own problems is sweet though i will admit. 6/10

numb - when this first came out i was like "this just sounds like a fandom b side" and what do you know i was close enough. good song to hype up to live i will admit it's a lot better like that than studio recorded. another fucking song complaining how fans only like him when he's sad and more lyrics that were tweets he put in a song for some reason. which. eye roll. c'mon man. 6/10

violet! - i like the transition from numb to this it's fun. a more pop oriented song with it's 80s pop like guitars in the beginning before evolving into this sparkly chorus. lyrically it's about a supposed stalker fan awsten had and with some of these exaggerated lyrics it's hard to tell how real that is, but his own mindset on the situation is clearer than that. i like it. it's fun and tells a story regardless. 7/10

snow globe - when this came out i was listening to a lot of classical piano so i really dug the intro because it reminded me of this piece called la campanella. i like the cold atmosphere it builds with the heavy autotune and desolate synths. lyrically, this follows awsten's self doubts and experience living as a public figure, how he simultaneously experiences loneliness while thousands people know him (loose term) from his music to his online posts. one time i used one of those online mashup sites to create a mashup between this and frou frou foxes in midsummer fires by cocateau twins and it was godly. 7/10 but the remix i got for it gets 8/10 bc shoegaze.

just kidding - cmon man. a song about feeling like shit, what else is there to say. the song chronicles awsten's mental struggles of feeling hated with a touch of implications of using someone as a distraction from this while being passive aggressive to them at the same time. sonically, it rides a sort of chill emo rap wave you might hear as background music to a lofi anime beats youtube if awsten wasn't singing specifically during the chorus where this annoying vocal effect sort of sounds like it's mocking his own words (which i guess is the point? but still). the song is more annoying than sympathetic for me and i don't understand why de'wayne and travis rallied for this song so hard. 4/10

the secret life of me - okay we're back to decent songs again. the sparkly guitars and drums remind me of a classic sonic game soundtrack. the song follows awsten's disassociation after just kidding, where instead of being caught in throes of reality, he gets caught in a maladaptive daydream of better things. i do that too so i can't really bitch here. 8/10

american graffiti - titled after a george lucas movie that was made to "appeal to the mainstream", it's a song about becoming a spectacle of fan interest and dealing with those expectation (believe me you don't have to tell me the irony of me reviewing any of this rn). awsten said this song was supposed to be a "pop punk but make it good" sort of thing so essentially they just made a neck deep song. the song reprises and seems to twist the lyrics from lowkey as hell ("if you need me, i'm here now") showing how that while it is good he can be so accessible, he's so accessible to the point that it's kind of meaningless to the general public. 8/10

you'd be paranoid too (if everyone you knew was out to get you) - wow another self reference. who would've thought. it's another fucking song about anxiety and living as a public figure and at this point in the album when it's so long and repeated so much it's kinda just like "do you have other things to complain about or..." sonically it feels kinda basic with it's rock anthem feel. there's a weird dichotomy between the suicidal lyrics and the ones that try to be lighthearted and it's just. well it's a song. 5/10

fruit roll ups - i like the transition. not much i can say about other parts of this song. was the autotune always this grating. anyways this song follows awsten trying to use random shit he bought as an excuse for someone to try seeing him. instrumentally, it's a lot better but oh my god these vocals and lyrics. i'm not even that convinced he even likes this person that much. also i've had band nerds tell me the song is actually in 6/8 time which makes awsten's statement at the beginning a lie. 4/10

LIKE IT - you guys know how much i love horrible music (i help run a waterparks blog after all) so when i heard this i was like "oh my god this is like modern the blue poptarts, my favorite terrible band." everything down to the rapping feels like a refined version of "it ain't easy being gangsta". again, it's another complaining song, but i think it works better than the other ones because it's not as tonally jarring and gets away with being bitchy by being so ridiculous instrumentally. i feel like he's like one line away from saying that old "cruisin down the street in my tight jeans" line (i learned that was an eazy e interpolation a couple years back isn't that weird). 8/10

gladiator (interlude) - i like the instrumental i don't like josh madden because he's another shill in the madden family and also one time someone said he looked like a thumb so now when i hear this i just think of that. either way his rambling about gladiators as an allegory for working in entertainment becomes very relevant to the next song 6/10

magnetic - the genius page may have rejected my annotations to this song but just remember i am always right. linked to gladiator, this song deals with awsten's internal battle between his public persona and his personal life, which bleed into each other and gets him lost in everything and nothing with things he hates. i love this song i can't lie. not only is this a pretty good lyrically, the electronic tinged guitars are so addictive and crunchy in all the right ways. god and the ending??? god it's so good. 9/10

crying over it all - a love song to someone that doesn't exist lol. a sweet song to someone that's supposed to stay behind once the band is gone and awsten exists outside of that. i really like zeph's backing vocals in this it really adds to this dreamy fantasy the song tries to build. 7/10

ice bath - the sister interlude to the intro title track. a song using the intro vocals and "wakes up" back into reality and awsten gets caught back into his materialism to cope with his mental struggles. 6/10

see you in the future - a song that essentially a chaotic ramble of awsten's life at that point that for the most part settles on focusing on the future (for better or for worse). a lot of these lyrics are probably just tweets awsten never sent amongst the random shit and attempts at insight in his life. it's. certainly a song but i can't lie the drums at the end are so primal and larger than life i remember screaming so hard when otto was doing that live. 6/10

in conclusion, a lot of this album is complaining about the same thing (i mean what waterparks album isn't that at it's core really), but it makes up for its (usually lyrical) faults in some songs with its out of this world, chaotic production. it is still a solid 3/5 stars in my book and this relisten made me realize it's been so long since i overplayed magnetic that i can enjoy it again so thanks for that sort of anon. greatest hits more like greatest shits *ba dum tss*

-iz

#track by track

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mynametido · 1 year ago

Text

Hola a todos!!

I wanted to make my first post on here about the desired reality that I'm currently focused on. This being my Hogwarts dr. Not Harry Potter, Hogwarts. We'll get to that in a minute. Just a note before we go any further as well, I took huge chunks out of my script when re-writing it here because it's quite lengthy, and all you guys need is the gist. Without further ado here is...

Hogwarts

[ a script ]

INTRO

“Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living, and, above all those who live without love,” - Albus Dumbledore. I am a 3rd year at Hogwarts School of Wizardry, and I have plans to become a dragon-keeper/dragonologist.

WHERE I ARRIVE

I am riding the Hogwarts express on my way to the Hogwarts School of Wizardry for my first day of year 3.

Our (Fred and I) train carriage smells distinctly like coffee and vanilla beans.

ABOUT ME

Things

- Name = OR name

- 15 years old

- Birthday = February 27th

- I am a full-blood.

- I am an optimistic extrovert.

Background

- Basically long story short my parents died in a house fire when I was 7 and I've been living with my adopted family ever since I was 9.

Appearance

- I don't have a face claim because I just script that I have my desired appearance and let my subconscious fill in the rest. But I guess some unique things that I've written down are:

Food doesn't affect my health or weight.

This just makes life so much easier. No second guessing that extra cookie or unnecessary guilt/shame for "unhealthy" cravings.

I am immune to any facial blemishes, acne, hyper pigmentation, large pores, blackheads, etc. My skin is flawless in every way and is always completely clear.

I'm a little bit of a perfectionist, guys, if you haven't already figured out, but only where it counts. I don't buy into the whole idea that you have to script in flaws for your dr to be "realistic" and meaningful. My motto is, "Even if the world is burning and crashing down around me, at least I'm hot."

(My nails) are indestructible, so they never break when I don't want them to.

Don't mind me, just taking out any minor inconvenience wherever I can. 🧍🏽‍♂️

Skills

- I can sing really well.

- I am fluent in 6 languages: English, Spanish, French, Korean, and Russian + ESL. I am immune to losing fluency in any of these languages.

- I can play chess well.

- My reading pace is 20 spp (seconds per page)

I completely just made that up btw, i don't think that spp is an actual thing. 💀

- I am an amazing artist. My style is so fun. I can easily draw anything and turn it into a masterpiece.

- I can play the piano really well. I am skilled at playing by ear.

You know essentially all of your default run of the mill dark academia associations. Piano playing, chess, speaking Russian, etc etc.

SCHOOL

Academia/status

So I'll just show the first few sentences of each bullet I created because the rest is just fluff.

I get 100%'s on all my tests, assignments, assessments, etc, without fail. I literally am incapable of getting less than perfection on everything. I always get homework and tests done fast with A++ accuracy. I am an excellent student. During a test, I could close my eyes and fill in random answers, and still get full marks on every question.

900 IQ groundbreaking big brain energy with this one everyone (being sarcastic obvi). Why should I work harder when I can...well damn not work at all right?

I am so popular. Everyone absolutely loves me. I am the main character. I live the most exciting teen dream filled life. My life is so interesting and fun, it's like a literal movie. My life is like that one part of the song Art Deco. I can live in the present easily and live each day moment to moment. Everything in my life is perfect. Everyday is an adventure.

I swear I have that song on loop in my head. Lana Del Rey is our lord and savior. 🙏 ❤️

As well as having a separate living area for each house, there is also a designated study space that is outside of the school for each house. The study space is open for students 24/7.

It's such bull that in the movies and books, they have a curfew. No one cares that I'm off doing my hot girl shit hitting them books at 12 am.

Schedule

(First class starts at 8:45 and last class ends at 2:30)

◗ 　1rst period - Core class: Potions

◗ 　2nd period - Core class: Herbology

◗ 　3rd period - All school year: Study Hall (45 minutes)

◗ 　4th period - Elective: Astronomy (1rst semester)

◗ 　4th period - Elective: Transfiguration of charms (2nd semester)

◗ 　5th period - All school year: Lunch

◗ 　6th period - Elective: Divination (1rst semester)

◗ 　6th period - Elective: Care of Magical Creatures (2nd semester)

◗ 　7th period - Core class: History of Magic

◗ 　8th period - Defense Against the Dark Arts

FRIENDS/FAMILY

Family

- Adam Rabon & Lowell Rabon: Adam and Lowell, 38 and 36, are my dads. My parents have been in a loving relationship since Adam was 22 and Lowell was 20. They are in a happy and healthy relationship with each other and will be with each other until death do them part. They are both full-bloods.

- Tobi Rabon: Tobi is my younger brother by 9 years. We have a really strong sibling bond, and my parents adopted him when he was 5 about a year ago.

- Natalie Rabon: Natalie is my aunt on Adam's side. She is a half-blood.

- Aaliyah Haughton: Aaliyah is my aunt on Lowell's side. She is a full-blood.

- 🧸 Fred Weasley: Me and Fred have been friends for 7 years. My family has been longtime customers to the Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes in Diagon Alley. We live very close to the Weasley house.

Friends/Other People

- *TB* Benjamin Wadsworth

- *TB* Someone from my OR

- (Mar) Marlon Wayans

SAFETY

- I am immune from any diseases, illnesses/sicknesses, or any other health impairments (such as lice, and etc.)

- My safeword to leave and go to my OR is "Jumanji", I can't forget this safeword.

- 1 second in or = 1 year in dr

- I have a high pain tolerance.

- I can only die from old age.

- I have an infinite amount of money to spend.

- Neither do Harry Potter or he who shall not be named exist in this reality.

They can both take their raggedy petty ass drama to another reality + (disclaimer: I am not talking about Daniel Radcliffe), Harry seems like he'd be super annoying irl. Anyways, side tangent over.

- I have all my desired clothes and accessories.

- Everything in my dr tastes, looks, feels, sounds, and smells 10x better than my or.

So that's the end of the blog. If you want me to go more in-depth about different parts of my script that I left out, pm me, and we'll talk! I'm still trying to figure out Tumblr, so I don't even know if pms are a thing on here. Okay okay I'm done for now. Happy shifting everyone! ☆☆☆

#Spotify #shifting #shifting realities #desired reality #hogwarts #harry potter #master shifter

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yuanvei · 4 months ago

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Long message 💌 Hello Yuan! This is 🍋 anon! I woke up this morning and saw that you finally posted xo lvl 2 right when I fell asleep lol seeing the 23k wc, I knew I was in for a long ride so I rushed to do my chores in order to read it right away!

Damn, this fic was darker than I thought it was gonna be. The intro got me so hooked, it was so so good. I can’t help but feel pity for the protagonist :( I’m so invested in this story and I really felt like crying whenever she struggled.

Minji is so kind, I’m worried what will happen to her. I have a theory about Minji but I could be wrong and just overthinking it. Also, I love Hee’s character! His conversation with the protagonist was kinda funny to me. When he stayed behind after Minji and Jungwon left, I already guessed what the poll was going to be about and DREADED it. This is so hard! What if we choose the wrong thing?? Also, I loved the song references you sneaked in there 👀

Iirc, you said back then you wouldn’t write for Enha anymore (maybe excluding Jungwon), but seeing your recent posts, I guess you changed your mind. You’re my fave writer fr. I love Jungwon so much and I’m thankful he’s your muse (⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠) Have you seen En-Drama? It’s how I imagined the members throughout the whole time reading. XO (and your works in general) would be a huge hit if it was a drama, you’re THAT good.

I also wanna say that your layout is immaculate. And please don’t ever doubt or downplay your writing because it’s beyond just amazing. Trust me. It’s so immersive and really draws you in. Magnetic, if I may say. I aspire and strive to be a writer as good as you are. You’re definitely gonna be a successful mangaka someday.

I’m already excited (and nervous!) for the upcoming levels even though we have to wait for a while. I know this fic took a long time to create and you said you’ll do your other film projects so I hope you get some good rest and good luck with your studies as well! Keep safe always, and we love you 💓

🍋 nonnie !! :(( i cried lol- u have no idea how my heart dropped when i saw this ask from my notifs cuz like i was rlly sad bc there's barely any anon ask beside yours, so i thought ys;xo flops bc no one is interested enough to talk about it.. but your ask RLLY MADE MY DAYY THANK YOUUU SM FOR THIS SWEET MESSAGE<33 im vv grateful for u for taking your time to write this 🫶🫶

i'm so glad you love the intro as much as i do!! and the fact that u feel sm for the protagonist too, she is prob one of my complex protagonists as of now. and it's only going to get rlly rlly dark w the upcoming levels.

you can tell me more bout your theories hehe but i won't be able to tell more bc no spoilers 🤫🤫 im glad hee's character was lovable bc i keep giggling as well while writing his scene w mc >< ALSO IM HAPPY U NOTICE THE SONG REFERENCES

oh about enha, yep tbh I've kind of lose interest in them n and jungwon was the only reason why im still around but i have to say this comeback w xo and brought the heat back is def my fav !! not to mention that jake is looking too good recently—very much influenced by a cantonese film i've watched recently. 🤭

and about en-drama — i don't rlly catch up w enha's updates apart from their mvs & comebacks, I've seen en-drama many times on my yt but it doesn't rlly catch my interest, however i might watch it one of these days to get an inspo for ys;xo :D BUT YOU'RE SO GOOD TO ME THANK YOUU ,, i'm very happy that u think so :((

i'm glad u like my layout btw !! 😭 and once again thank you thank you VERY MUCHHH for all these encouraging words, i appreciate it from the bottom of my heart 🫠🫶 it's so sweet of u to spend sm of your time writing this and it's making me emotional lol ,, and yes you're going to become an amazing writer too, maybe even more better than me ! >:)) it's going to be a journey, but fighting and ik u can do it !! 🫶 and the mangaka part PLS ill keep these words forever in my heart I WILL ALWAYS COME BACK TO THIS THANK UUU

you're very kind 😭😭 im so happy you're around 🍋 anonnie,, i'll make to sure deliver a more better story thru xo level 3 !! have a good rest too !! stay safe, and take care 🥹🫶

#💌: asks #(🎬); ys;xo

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captain-azoren · 3 years ago

Text

Aquaria and Alec

(CW/TW: Suicide)

On a whim, I decided to check out an old indie game I had played a very long time ago. It was one that, in retrospect, I think had a big influence on me.

That game was Aquaria. I hadn't played in it about a decade, but I still remembered what made it special; the music, the artwork, the sense of lonliness as you explored. It's a metroidvania that takes place underwater. I loved marine zoology, and you play as a mer person, so it was exactly what I wanted.

Now, I had been pretty ignorant of the two guys who created the game. the team known at Bit Blot. I never kept up with their work, but I do remember seeing their posts on the old developer forums. They were Derek Yu, who would go on to do Spelunky. I had heard of the game, but never realized he also did Aquaria. The other co-creator, the guy who came up with the idea... was Alec Holowka. I discovered he was one of the creators of Night in The Woods... and then I found out what happened to him, and the things he did.

I'll be blunt; Alec was mentally ill and abusive to others, and he took his own life when it all caught up to him. I can't defend his actions... but I'm still very, very sad that he wasn't able to be saved.

I tried playing Aquaria again, and I don't think I can without breaking down, not if I'm alone. The intro music alone is enough to make me tear up. The loneliness the game makes you feel as you wander the waters gets to me. I feel this game and I can't help but wonder if Alec felt that way, isolated and unable to connect with others in a healthy way.

Alec and Derek's game connected with me, and then I find out what a mess Alec was. I can only take some solace in the hope that Alec wasn't abusive until after he made Aquaria, but I don't know.

I feel so stupid for only finding out all this a year and a half after Alec's death. I've been trying to find out as much as I can about him and Aquaria and his other work... I don't know why. I guess out of guilt. I know it's nonsense, but part of me feels like if I had only kept up, this wouldn't have happened.

And I wonder if that could happen to me, if I'd be doomed to push others away, that I couldn't connect with people or feel loved, that I ultimately always will be an island. That every attempt I make to try to bond with the people I care about will result in me hurting them and driving them away. That loneliness and loss of hope is a fear that's always going to be with me.

I'm just very thankful I did find my soul mate. I want to be connected with her forever. I never want to take that for granted.

For a long time now, I wanted to create something special like Alec did, even something small. Something to communicate what I'm feeling, but that won't guarantee anything. I look back on my life and wonder how much of it I wasted.

Just to twist the knife further, I find out that the VA for Aquaria has some controversial political opinions as well, so there goes that. It feels like a lot of nostalgic stuff I used to take comfort in is slowly being taken away.

Maybe I just needed to vent. Maybe I can play Aquaria again. It's a beautiful game I don't want to be forgotten, so at least Alec can have some good lasting effect on the world.

#Aquaria #alec holowka #tw suicide

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b00t-s · 3 years ago

Text

We're all gossip-y bitches sometimes

this is part two

Janus xey/xem

Roman she/he

Patton he/him

Virgil he/him

See the character intros for more info

TW. Swearing, arguments, alcohol, drunk characters, the word v//mit is used once, characters being characters, past trauma mentioned, tiny tiny tiny sprinkle of angst but just a passing of it at end, and nothing to intense

Again, tell me if I'm being insensitive. Shout at me if I am.

Summary: Patton goes to talk to Janus about Roman. The group opens...'some' bottles. Virgil adds on some...interesting opinions.

Events occur few hours after this.

Janus just finished xeir nightly shift when Patton came bounding up to xem. Janus raised an eyebrow at how ecstatic he looked.

"Yes?" Xey managed out, forcing back the hundreds of snarky comments xey could of said right then.

"Can you hang out at My house later?" Patton practically beamed out.

"why would I want to 'hang out'? It's just a social construct created to give people a higher sense of being." Janus remarked, flipping to closed/open side to closed.

"So you'll be there?"

"hmm. Will doom-and-gloom be there?

"doom and---ohhh, Virge. Yeah, probably," Patton realised now that this was a bad mix of people to invite "probably-probably not for long though!"

"Fine" Janus replied, taking off xeir apron. Xey ignored the obvious lie. "I'll be there in an hour." Xey knew one way or another xey would end up there due to Patton's... effective persuading.

"Great!" Patton exclaimed "oh yeah, and...um...it's raining outside so..take my umbrella, kay?"

His tone more serious all of a sudden, Patton nodded to Janus' heavily made up face, so well done an ignorant bystander wouldn't of noticed the thick layers of foundation on xeir face.

Patton handed xem a translucent umbrella, patterned with cute frogs and flowers, to Janus. Ignoring the distasteful cartoons, Janus nodded and took the umbrella.

"See you soon, Jan!" Patton cheerily waved as he bounced off.

Janus folded xeir apron, opened Patton's umbrella and braved the outdoors.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Janus arrived at Patton's house exactly on time, bone dry, despite the heavily flowing rain. Patton expected nothing less of his friend. He invited xem inside, amazed as always by his friend's everyday fashion.

Jan was wearing a casual yellow shirt over a long sleeved black shirt. Fishnet gloves adorned xeir hands, and xeir ruffled hair was let lose.

Xeir fashionably messy hair was topped with a neatly placed black fedora, which of xey never took off. Xey even scarred persuaded Thomas to let xem wear it to work.

Patton offered xem a smile, and walked xem upstairs. "Hi Jan!" He grinned.

"Hello" xey replied mundanely.

Xey absent-mindedly glanced at Patton's outfit, which contained a violet cashmere sweater, bell bottomed jeans, circular silver glasses and a sunflower clip in his perfect curls.

It was a good look, xey had to admit.

When they both reached Patton's room, Janus stood still, taking in xeir surroundings.

Patton's room was covered with things from the 2000's; Tamagotchi's, stickers pressed up against the pastel wall, stuffed animals, wristbands, old CD's, care bears posters and butterfly clips littering the floor in a deadly trap.

A trans flag was pinned above the single bed with blue tack, right next to some inspirational and motivational quotes.

The whole place looked like it had been puked on by unicorns.

It hurt Janus' eyes.

Xey was a little overwhelmed by all the spiraling colours and nostalgia-inducing objects, so xey sat cross-legged in the middle of the pink carpet. The world slowed down.

Janus wondered, not for the first time, how a 29 year old could be this cheerful.

Or appear this cheerful.

"Jan?"

Janus gave a small twitch of xeir head, realising that xey had spaced out. "Hmm?" Xey replied.

"Hey, you were up with the clouds! I was just saying, I think Virge is here" Patton chirped.

"oh"

"he...might be staying for a little longer then i said"

"How wonderful." Janus muttered, knowing this would happen but hating it anyway.

"oh, don't be like that! I'm sure you guys could become friends!" Janus snorted. "Or...at least not kill at each other whenever you're in the same general area" Patton corrected.

"Anyway! I'm going to greet him at the door!" He suddenly proclaimed, skipping downstairs.

Janus was disgusted at how naïve this man was.

But that was a lie.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Patton slowed his happy skip to a casual walk. His grin slipped into a content smile as he reached the end of the stairs. Being so happy takes its toll on people, he thought. Soft tapping of the door interrupted his thoughts as he opened the door to reveal Virgil.

The first thing you notice about this man was his unfair tall-ness. He nearly had to duck to get inside; being too skinny didn't help. Virgil was wearing a plain black hoodie over a mcr top, completing the look with a short, pleated skirt and docs. His face was slathered in white foundation, accompanied with dark eyeshadow under his eyes.

"Virge!! I'm glad you could make it, even if you are late!!Again!" Patton hugged his friend, genuinely glad for his presence. The taller man patted Patton's curls awkwardly.

"Heyyyy Pat-" Virgil did the awkward pats on the back everyone does when they want to get out of a hug but don't want to say it in fear of hurting ones feelings. "Traffic-"

Patton withdrew from the hug and smiled. "okay! at least you're here safe! Can't control the traffic"

"Janus is waiting for us upstairs" Patton continued. He hurriedly carried on speaking before Virgil could spit out an insult about xem "say, you know what I hate about stairs? They're always up to something!" Patton laughed at his own joke, whilst Virgil pretended to face-palm, hiding a snigger.

"Alright, Alright dAd, didn't you say snake face was waiting for us?" Virgil mocked. Patton chuckled uncomfortably at the nickname, but nodded nonetheless.

"Yeah, we shouldn't leave xem waiting"

They both entered his room, having walked the short journey there in a comfortable silence. Patton noted Janus had not moved from were he left xem; xey had just shifted to read a book xey most likely found lying around. Janus looked up upon their arrival, xeir face immediately twisting into a mocking grimace upon seeing Virgil. "ah, you brought the racoon"

"Janus play nice--"

"you're one to talk, you participated in 2012 Tumblr" Virgil threw back

"must you be so wounding" Janus dramatically threw xeir hand against xeir forehead.

"okAY, that's enough guys." Patton firmly said. Janus pulled a face in reply, and Virgil returned the favour. Patton sighed. He just wanted them to get along, which was probably a high expectation by itself.

Perhaps he had booze leftover somewhere.

--------------------------------

Twelve near fist fights, two crying sessions and many, many, many bottles of alcohol later, it was nearing eleven pm and the group was drunker than a litter of catnip high kittens.

They all crowded into a close-knit circle on the bed, nearly falling off but not caring.

"ssso your telling me that flashy asss hhimbo sssssaid I wasss hot but then rude and that I wore too muchh makeup? What a *hic* bitchh" Janus hissed.

Patton giggled. "yeeeeee, be nice though! She was kindaaaa alllllllll over the place!" Patton continued bluntly, "But how would you feel if I set you guys up????~"

"oh pleassssse do, I would just love that" Janus may be trashed but xey still knew sarcasm. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending who you are, Patton did not.

"yayyy! This is gonna be great!!"

Virgil butted in then, waving around the bottle he was holding "hold on, just holllld on a minute there, you're planning to set up that" he vaugly gestured in Janus' direction "with Princy??? Xey've known her for what, 4 minutes? Life isn't a disney movie"

"Dare I detect a hint of jealousy there emo?" Janus purred "am I that lovable?" Xey hiccuped.

"ooooooooh" Patton leaned into the circle, loving the drunk drama.

"wouldn't you like to know weather boy" Virgil droned back, finishing off the bottle.

"Honey, I would dare ssay that was a yesss"

"nO"

"oooooo, you liiiiike meeeEe"

"you disgust me"

"kinky"

Patton shook his hands excitingly at them, nearly hitting Virgil, causing them to shut up. "I can't believe you're finally open to a relationship after what happened! With my best friend no least! Boy did I try to get you to go on more dat--" Patton suddenly clasped his hands over his mouth as if he just said something nasty.

Everyone went silent. Janus stared at Patron, xeir mouth slightly parted. Virgil laughed nervously to try and break the tension. It sounded strained.

Janus began to speak to stop Patton from starting to spout drunken apologies. "Well thatssss jusst a liee, I've dated pleeenty of people over..well...that...period..of time."

Everyone went silent again, not quite sure on what to say.

Virgil's anxiety was heightening due to the social awkwardness and the influence of the alcohol.

Patton was fidgeting in his lap.

It was Janus yet again who broke the uncomfortable atmosphere.

"Sssso, *hic* you ssaid you wanted me to go out with thisss idiot?"

----------------------------------

first-previous-next

updated masterpost

tag list: @arrowthenon-binaryroyalty, @spellingwillbethedeathofme,

ask if you want to be added or removed from tag list

and we meet our boi virgil

context is for losers

i could of probably cut out unnecessary things in that but y'know I'm new and I like it

these posts will be in chronological order, unless flashback, but it's not following a set-in-stone story line, so asks are, yet again, much appreciated.

I procrastinated too much during the making of this

#sanders sides #sanders sides fanfiction #sanders sides fic #janus sanders #genderfluid!janus #patton sanders #trans!patton #virgil sanders #alcohol mention #Janus what have you agreed to #hiss hiss bitch #this story is all over the place plz #roceit #platonic moxiety #This won't and never will be a moxiety fic I'm sorry #their father ans son relashionship #no hate on the ones who do ship it #it just isn't my cup of tea #Ok-ish

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eragonpaolini · 3 years ago

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ok I am interested in hearing about the mouse novel you started in 3rd grade

For anyone wondering what this is about, I mentioned this story a couple times in the tags, I don’t even remember on what posts lol. It took a minute to dig it up but I finally found it, wasn't even on my computer, it was on my backup drive lol. I’m gonna liveblog my reactions to it. Probably gonna be a long post, so

It's bad. It's very bad. I thought I started it in like 3rd or 4th grade or something but I found the earliest version in my 2009 folder which was 6th grade for me 😭. I don't think I was that bad at writing in 6th grade but it's really very bad. We're talking worse than My Immortal bad. It's possible I started it earlier and moved it to more recent folders over time (cause I took like 3 years to write like 6 pages lmao) but this is worrisome. I also found updated versions in my 2010 and 2011 folders which went up to 8 pages whoo! (But somehow only 2k words for the longest versions??) The "last modified" date is worthless cause I've moved it between like 3 computers and 5 flash drives/backups so all the versions say 2017.

That being said, there is a very marked improvement in the writing quality over those 8 pages that I'm almost proud of. That last page is frankly perfectly readable as a novel written for 8-12 year olds, though the story structure still needs a ton of work.

Oh shit, I just dug into the file metadata and found out it was created in May 2007, so 4th grade! Whew! I have an excuse for how bad it is. The newest version was last modified in April 2011 so that totally explains why it's so much better towards the end. Huh, just noticed I actually updated the intro in the most recent version, which makes it slightly more palatable lmao.

Well now that I've finished liveblogging my detour down memory lane, what the hell's the story about?

A town called Miceville exists in the lowest sub-basement of a human apartment building. The main character (named Cheddar Squigee) gets himself into a predicament, lost in the wilderness due in part to his own bad decisions and in part because of his older brother's dumbassery. Hopelessly stranded with no hope for rescue while his family is worried sick looking for him, Cheddar goes on an adventure with ghost pirates to find some treasure and save them from their curse (because I’d just watched Pirates of the Caribbean), before eventually reuniting with his family. I only got as far as the “he got stranded” bit with the beginnings of lore for the ghost pirates.

Some highlights from the story:

I think the very idea of a mouse story came from me reading some Geronimo Stilton books around that time. Look them up if you haven’t heard of them, they’re great books in my memory from when I was like 10 so I’m sure they’ll hold up over a decade later /s

There’s an “I didn’t know you could read” reference to Harry Potter

The entire ghost pirates thing is obviously lifted from PotC which I think is just hilarious

There’s a Clip Art pic of a mouse on one of the pages :)

The entire thing is written in Comic Sans font except for two parts which are 1) The chapter titles which are in Impact (that meme font fyi) and 2) The main title which is in the old MS Office 2003 WordArt lmao

Some lowlights:

I was a Brand Shill™, for Lamborghini of all things

I made Cheddar’s brother a major dick and a dumbass, which absolutely was not at all inspired by my relationship with my IRL brother, not one bit. There is nothing for a therapist to unpack there.

I don’t know why I specified the mouse city was in the sub-basement of a human apartment. The humans were never supposed to make an appearance or have any impact to the story. I could just have easily made it a full mouse world like Redwall or whatever.

Everything happens so fast (what is pacing and plot structure?) so if I finished the story at the current pace I don’t think it would break 30k words, not even a novel.

Anyway, thank you so much for giving me an excuse to take a couple of hours looking at this crappy story I wrote over a decade ago. No, no one can read it it’s still very bad.

#sorry it took so long #I had to find out where it was saved which took a while #and then I wanted to set aside some time to do a proper retrospective #this was fun #thanks for the ask!#hashtag #asks #anonymous

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sanstropfremir · 4 years ago

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I absolutely LOVED reading your kingdom review. You gave me such an insight in things I never even considered, especially since our rankings are so different from each other. The Boyz was my favorite, the narrative was about RTK. How they felt bad for having to compete against their friends but eventually the groups only lifted each other up and it helped TBZ grow into the group they are now through the hardships and mental dilemma, falling into the next challenge right after they reached the top. It should have been more obvious though, I agree, it wasn't really visible for anyone who didn't know. I was wondering how you felt about the dancing in general? my reason for not ranking BTOB high was lack of choreo (and Peniel's verse), same goes for SF9. Mostly because I don't feel the hype when watching, it doesn't keep my focus on the stage. As a baby-performer myself, my goal is to make the viewer curious about what's next. is that the wrong way to look at it? that's what I've always been told, building the tension up and down to create focus. would love to hear your feedback on that! thank you so much for sharing, we need more reviews of people who actually know what they're talking about.

i'm glad that you got some insight from it! like i answered in the previous ask im here to hopefully bring some more depth and understanding for people that care and are curious!

you unintentionally proved my point about tbz’s performance: that is way too complicated! even the most talented solo dancers i can think of would have trouble distilling that down to something readable in 100 seconds, much less a group of like, a dozen people! the introductory stages are meant to show us the character of the group and their abilities in the most concise way possible, it's not the stage to do deep philosophical and emotional introspection. for a full stage? absolutely, go hog wild! but for this stage it was too ambitious and ultimately was ineffective to anyone that isn't a fan of them specifically.

by dancing in general do you mean like, every group? i put most of my opinions on the dancing where i had them in each of the individual rankings but honestly? unless there is something that really stands out positively or negatively, a lot of ‘average’ kpop dance looks the same to me. i know it’s not, obviously, and if pressed i probably could do a more serious breakdown, but dance is only one element of performance. it has equal weight with all the others in my mind, and therefore i notice when it is either

very good

does something unique

very bad, or

interferes with another element

which is the same as how i evaluate every element, if that makes sense.

hmmmm. i thought about this a lot in the shower and turns out i had more opinions that i expected so i'll put them under a cut.

firstly, i don't think lack of choreo should be penalized or considered an ‘incomplete’ performance. at the end of the day, these are bands, and a part of their brand/product they sell is the music. complex choreo does not need to be attached to that to make it a successful performance. also, btob did have choreo. any movement on stage is technically choreography. but this terminology can cause confusion so usually non-dance choreo is referred to as ‘blocking.’ but they also did include the song’s original point choreo at 1.41. the blocking in their performance was well thought out and suited the arrangement, by placing spatial emphasis on each part of the song that needed it. obviously it comes down to personal taste if the performance is ultimately ‘successful,’ because all art is subjective, but just because something isn't as visually complex as something else doesn’t mean it doesn't have the same level of thought. think of it like this: one is a super clean-lined post-post-modern grey/white living room, and the other is a kitsch goth basement. both share interior design principles and have obvious care put into the space, but they are vastly different styles that appeal to different tastes.

part of the job of production designer/AD is to decide what gets emphasis. a question you're always asking yourself is ‘is this important to the story that we’re trying to tell?’ and btob/their AD made a very smart choice with their introductory stage because it says a lot about them and their abilities in a short amount of time. that stage said ‘our foundation is strong, we have the training and experience and confidence to be up here and not rely on visual tricks.’ because they know they physically cannot do the things the 4th gen groups can; they're a decade older and they only have four members, it's just not feasible. something you learn with experience is the power that specific and pointed emphasis holds, which segues into my answer to your last question. i don't necessarily think that ‘building hype’ is the wrong way to perform something, but i do think it is a flawed way to approach creating a performance.

i think that ‘hype’ is flawed concept at its core, and one that focuses on the idea that there’s always being something more, something next, beyond the work itself. now there’s nothing wrong with playing with tension within the internal structure of a piece, that's exactly how constructing a narrative happens. however, the flaws come once we extrapolate beyond the boundaries of that individual work. the idea of ‘whats next’ implies that you have to constantly be promoting, have a sequel coming, building hype etc so people will keep engaged with your work. which is deeply capitalistic in nature and operates on the assumption that art exists purely as a product to be sold. and in order to keep selling you need to keep making a bigger and better and more spectacular product. and this is not the case at all. marketability is not the essence of art, it merely a factor of creating it under this insufferable system. kpop in particular suffers from this because the industry is specifically fabricated to produce capitol. we can have discussions all day about idols and their artistic integrity but at the end of that day, they are all cogs working with a system that was specifically made up by essentially one person to be culturally exported and to just print buckets of money. so in following that train of thought, there is a constant attitude of bigger and better because shock value (whether positive or negative) gets social media attention and therefore it sells. and it has become exponentially easier (and also seemingly required) to make things that are bigger and better than ever before. i remember being blown away by the projection floor at the sochi 2014 olympics because something of that scale and complexity would never have been possible without literally having the funding of the olympics. now that technology is easily accessible to anyone with an amazon account and the time to learn how isadora works. in comparison, it took 2400 YEARS for just the job of a ‘theatre designer’ to be even become a job at all.

because of kpop’s fan culture it is especially prone to ‘hype’ behaviour. in general with the accessibility of the internet and social media, everything has turned into a competition, and who can generate the most buzz ‘wins’. but ultimately that has taken away the general public’s ability to recognize that you can enjoy something quietly and you can enjoy something slowly. that the enjoyment of something doesn’t need to be all exclamation marks and keysmashes and trending hashtags on twitter. there is value in a work engaging in an emotion within you that is not just excitement. most of the artists and companies that i consume the work of i don’t do so because their work makes me excited, i do so because i liked the experience of engaging with that work. several years ago i saw the eternal tides by legend lin dance theatre, which you can watch a really short clip of here. that is not slow motion, that is actually how slow the dancers are moving. and 90% of the show is performed like that. and its two hours long. and it was one of the most incredible performances i've ever seen. if i ever get the chance I will go see another one of their shows again, not because i care about how they can top that experience i had, but because i know they can produce that experience, and that is enough to make me want to seek them out again. the speed of the internet has also loosened the general public’s understanding of just exactly how long creating a performance work can take. the lead dancer in the eternal tides was with the company for eight years before she and the piece were ready enough to be performed. large scale operas, musicals, and plays often have a year or more of pre-production before they even get to rehearsal. smaller theatre companies workshop new pieces for years at a time. performance is hard and it takes time. you can eliminate some of that with sheer amounts of money and people, which is what the kpop industry has done, but it speeds up the cycle of consumption to a degree that is not sustainable, especially for companies and creators who do not have that kind of access. performers and performance makers often don't put enough trust in their audiences. if they like what they see, they will come back. they dont need to be constantly bombarded with content at all times.

now that i’ve said a bit about why i think hype is a flawed concept, let's bring it back to kingdom. sf9 did something very interesting with their stage in that they actively chose to limit their dance time. and this plays very well off the performance film stage that taeyang did a couple of weeks ago. taeyang is talented and confident (for good reason), and his solo was incredible. but when it came to the intro stage, instead of trying to one-up the solo stage, the group instead said ‘well people are going to be looking at us because taeyang is insanely talented, so let's show them that we ALL have the confidence and the attitude to be up here.’ no need for flashy theatrics, they had the foresight to do something that would make them stand out from the rest of the groups. even if i was just casually watching the stages without doing any analysis on them (like i did for rtk), i would still be able to distinguish them because they had the stones to stand around for half their stage time. now i recognize them and would like to see what else they can do. same principle as what btob and also what ikon did. there is a fine line between anticipation and hype that gets equated in media consumption nowadays, but the two are not the same.

i think the tldr on this is that you dont need to ‘build hype’ or ‘go all out’ to make an interesting work. just focus on telling the narrative that you want to tell, and the people that recognize that will come. i could have a lot more things to say about peoples shrinking attention spans and the constant stream of information that we consume on a daily basis that devalues the labour done by artists in the eyes of the public and promotes hustle culture that is burning out and damaging creators at a rate that is both exponential and frightening, but that’s probably for another time, because this is SO LONG

#kingdom #kpop questions #this was a very interesting ask thank you anon!#the consumption and production of art is fascinating and also as an artist it gives me a fucking headache #many thoughts head too full #i hope this provided you with some more insight anon #none of your opinions are wrong i just have different ones and thats ok! i love discussions like this #Anonymous #kpop analysis #text #general design questions #kingdom review responses #answers #kingdom asks

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ladyhistorypod · 4 years ago

Text

Episode 4: Let’s Ms. Behave

Sources:

Charlotte Corday

The British Museum

Brooklyn Museum

Find A Grave

History Channel

UCL Art Museum

Encyclopedia Womannica (Podcast)

The Blonding of Charlotte Corday

Giulia Tofana

Wut. (Podcast)

History Collection

Historical Post

Medium

Mike Dash

Virginia Hill

The Mob Museum

Encyclopedia of Chicago

Alabama

Further reading/watching: The Damned Don’t Cry (1950 film), Bugsy's Baby: The Secret Life of Mob Queen Virginia Hill (eye roll from Alana), Virginia Hill (1974 film)

Click below for a full transcript of the episode!

Lexi: A brief warning about the following episode of Lady History: this episode contains sensitive topics, such as suicide and murder. If you or someone you know needs help, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. To learn more, visit suicidepreventionhotline.org

Alana: I think my therapist is listening to our podcast.

Haley: Wait what really?

Alana: Yeah. Because I was looking at like our dem– like our listenership and it said a bunch of people in Arlington and I don't know that many people in Arlington. I know like my mom's... my parents’ like family friend from… my dad like went to high school with them and then they introduced my parents and we call her my Arlington mom and so I was like oh maybe it's her but that's too many people to just be her and I think my therapist lives in Arlington and I told her about this so shout out Dr. Sterman.

Haley: I would love–

Alana: If you’re listening.

Haley: –Your next session she's like ‘by the way I don't listen to your podcast’ even though... and just like out herself from… not super listening but also listening we just had…

Alana: I might bring it up. I'm seeing her on Tuesday, virtually obviously, but I’m seeing her on Tuesday.

Haley: ‘Just wondering, do you listen to my podcast?’

Alana: Well I'm going to talk about how like ‘oh I started my podcast and it's doing this this and this for my mental health’ and then be like… just see if she says she’s listening.

Haley: I feel like she wouldn’t though. I feel like she wouldn’t just to…

Alana: I don’t know if she would.

Lexi: Does that cross the like professional boundary?

Haley: Yeah…

Alana: Is that a HIPAA violation?

Lexi: Is it though? It’s only a podcast

Haley: Well none of us are in the medical field.

Lexi: No. We are not.

Alana: Let us know.

Haley: So we can’t have a definitive answer. But I can see someone–

Lexi: Hey if you're in the medical field or are a certified therapist please email us at [email protected] and let us know if listening to your patient’s podcast violates HIPAA.

(Alana laughing)

Lexi: Thank you. You can also email other stuff there. Don't, don't– you don't have to be a doctor to email us.

Alana: No. I also I have a– because you can do asks on Tumblr, and I have our ask page for the Tumblr– Lady History pod dot tumblr dot com– I have… you can suggest a lady.

Lexi: Please, suggest ladies.

Haley: I would love that.

Lexi: Please suggest ladies to us at Lady History pod dot tumblr dot com.

Alana: You can also DM us, and as previously mentioned if you DM the Instagram that's Lexi and if you DM the Twitter that's me and they're both at LadyHistoryPod. We're gonna plug that again at the end so it's just a constant cycle.

Haley: No one can slide into my DMs. I'll just use one of… if you want to slide into my DMs, use like, the Twitter and just be like this is for Sprinklebear McPuss-n-Boots and they’ll know it’s for me.

Lexi: Okay if you DM or email any of the accounts, if you need the message to go to Haley, please use that name only. Any messages directed to Haley will not be given to her.

Alana: We’ll be like ‘who’s Haley?’

Lexi: So go back–

Haley: I don’t even know what I said. I forgot.

Lexi: No, so go back–

Alana: Sprinklebear McPuss-n-Boots and I will never forget it.

Lexi: Just go back, listen to that however many times you need to to get it in your brain, and then use that when you address Haley in any of your communication to our general inbox.

Alana: Hang on, my light went away because I have to go change Haley’s contact info in my phone.

(Lexi and Alana laughing)

Haley: I really hate if like I am interviewed for a job and they’re like… ‘so… Twinklebear McPuss-n-Boots…

(Lexi laughing)

Alana: It was Sprinklebear

Lexi: You didn’t even get it right. She can’t even–

Alana: Sprinkle… Sprinklebear…

(Lexi laughing)

Haley: I used to have a crush on Puss-n-Boots when Shrek first came out.

[INTRO MUSIC]

Alana: Hello and welcome to Lady History, the good, the bad, and the ugly ladies you missed in history class. I’m the next best thing to being in the same room as Lexi. Lexi, what's the name of your favorite plant?

Lexi: My favorite plant is probably a pothos. Just really cute, a cute plant, a good plant, grows well, grows well in my climate, has not failed me, has not died, so that is why I love the pothos.

Alana: And also in the virtual studio is Haley. Haley, how’s the weather?

Haley: It's quite gloomy. I am in San Francisco so we're still dealing with the wildfires. But I think it's just Karl the fog today.

Alana: Karl the fog?

Haley: Yeah the San Francisco like fog that just like looms over this bay area is called Karl. He even has a Twitter, a whole kids’ picture book. Karl the fog.

Alana: That's giving me An Absolutely Remarkable Thing by Hank Green vibes.

Haley: And also, oh, the SF MOMA… the new building of it is Karl the fog. It doesn't– it looks kind of like a… like an old time steam iron, like on an ironing board. But it's like meant to be Karl the fog. Or like blend in. Karl just mushes his way through San Francisco.

Alana: Oh my god that's incredible.

Haley: Yes.

Alana: And I'm Alana and I theme my canvas tote bags based on event.

Lexi Nice. Solid.

Alana: Thank you.

Haley: So can I tickle your tastebuds with a fun fact?

Lexi: Oh… oh, tickle away.

Alana (whispering): Tickle your tastebuds…

Speaker 1: This is either going to be like the best thing I've ever created because like– let me just give you a side note: I thought of this joke while taking shower and was cracking up for ten minutes.

(Alana laughing)

Haley: It's either– it's probably gonna flop. But, with this fun fact– it’s kind of setting the mood for our crime theme and it's about the guillotine and the family of the guillotine, Dr. Joseph– I think his name’s like Ignace? It looks like Ignatio, but it’s like Ignace Guillotin– was so horrified that like their family member invented such like a horrible thing, and if you don't know what the guillotine is, it is basically a big sharp knife that comes down from a pulley, will slice your head off, used in many executions– that they appeal to the French government to change the name and the French government just took it to a step higher and was like no we won't change the name but we will make it one of like the official ways of executing people. more s– to the point that the last execution was like in the 1970s. And this is like across Europe and at least for France it was in 1977. So this is where it gets to my cringy joke because I've used this before. If you want a sick burn while your parents are talking about their childhood and they grew up in like the 60s, 70s, you can just go ‘Pft, the land and time of the guillotine. Such heathens.’ And I like this more than the… the burn that goes like ‘when the dinosaurs roamed’ because dinos just like didn't live when humans lived and it always made me so mad where it’s like I learned that the dinosaurs were born millions of years ago but we have this like iconic just… execution machine that was used for so so long and no one realizes that this was just used until the 70s as a humane way of execution, which like I won't even get into that whole argument. There's so much of a rabbit hole of whether the like guillotine was humane or not. But it's just– it's almost funnier because like it did happen this was an ironic like ‘oh you’re so old you’re like a dinosaur’ this is like ‘you were born when the guillotine was used!’

Alana: Because that's like a burn but it's also true.

Lexi: Yeah. That's the worst kind of burn, I– I mean the best kind of burn because it hurts the worst.

Haley: I once said it to my dad because he was like talking about something when he was like younger and I was like the guillotine just looked at me and was like ‘excuse me?’ I was like ‘you lived during the time of the guillotine, heathen.’ And he was like ‘well…”

Alana: It's true!

Haley: Because he was like ‘no that's like the Middle Ages’ and I was like ‘let me school you on some facts. And that actually is a great segue into my first gal.

Alana: Alright, let's go Haley.

Haley: Uh, so my gal, like Artemisia, we have another one with her own movie. It's an unfortunate movie because I couldn't find it anywhere, but who am I talking about… Charlotte Corday. And other names include… side note, I don’t speak French, I speak Spanish. Please don’t come after me, with my horrible horrible French pronunciations, I had my boyfriend, who speaks some French, pronounce them to me… probably didn't remember anything that he said to me. Her other names are Corday d’Armont, Marie-Anne Charlotte, and now her like more modern name is Charlotte Corday the Assassin. So I love Charlotte as a topic, because other podcasts, like crime, history, women's studies, have covered her to an extent. Like I– you'll see in the show notes I like I've even used her– thanks, Encyclopedia Womannica. But on the other hand, not many people know about her. And they don't even know like her influence with the French Revolution because I've been in like many discussions about like history of crime or what like– the world history that we had to take, and I asked like about her and my even like my history teachers like ‘I don't know who that is’ and everyone just gave me that blank face and it's like wait a minute, this is weird, why isn't this covered. So of course, I'm going to cover it. And let's crack this case wide open before we do a deep dive and go over just like some historical background and some of the people be talking about because I don't want you guys to be lost in this whole mumbo jumbo. So Charlotte was a Girondin sympathizer– again, my French is not good– she came from a family of impoverished aristocrats from a little town outside of Paris, France. And as a noble family she was given the opportunity to go to a formal education, but really this formal education came because her mother and one of her sisters died. And her father was just so grief-stricken and also just couldn't handle the now need to raise two daughters, so he sent them to a Roman Catholic convent so they could get a formal education. During this formal education of hers, she learned about French politics, history of France, and was able to mold her own theories and just ideas about the world around her. Thus, she became a French moderate Republican party member during 1791 and 1793 and this is during the French Revolution.

Alana: I'm guessing that moderate Republican back then doesn't mean the same thing that moderate Republican means now.

Haley: No, not at all. I'll explain more. So that's– this is exactly why I wanted to do our whole kind of let's see the players let's name some names and let's go over some history because just looking at her based on just the woman it's very hard to understand why she's one, seen as a hero; two, seen as a murderous assassin which both are correct in a way.

Lexi: I mean, goals. No I’m just kidding. I’m not condoning murder.

Haley: No so that's basically where she's at in the scope of where she grew up and what role she’ll play in the French Revolution, or what side she was on. And she's also mainly known for murdering Jordian Jean-Paul Marat, and he was on the other side he was Jordian so she was very opposed to his ideals. So again like Alana said is this kind of like what our U. S. politics is like? No, this isn't the Republican Party. However we have two extreme sides and people on one extreme, people on another extreme. That is very much similar. And he was an outspoken leader of the French Revolution to the point where he was the founder of a popular journal, deputy of Paris to the convention, opposed legislation that would hurt the other side, empower him and to Charlotte and other Girondan followers. So now that we cover the big picture ideas and we know the players and we know how extreme both these sides are, let's do our deep dive. She was committed to fighting the Girondist side of the revolution, posing the radical Jacobin faction. So this was right before the Reign of Terror, and why I mention this is because all her actions were to stop a civil war; and the Reign of Terror was a part of the French Revolution that kind of like started the first French Republic and culminated in a series of massacres and like many many public executions. So this is what she tried to stop from happening in French society. However, her whole story and what role she played in the revolution actually caused the Reign of Terror. So that's why for me as– in high school was like why aren't we talking about her and now we're gonna talk about her now. So, we come to the point where our victim Marat was continuing his train of like bloodshed, and was responsible for utter catastrophe, and putting a lot of lives in danger of like the French– like the French people were just terrified of him, to an extent. And that’s why Charlotte just hated him. He was seen as definitely one of the leaders of this one extreme side that had to be taken out. So that's exactly what she kind of planned to do. And she was not in Paris, she was still in another city outside of Paris, France. So, Charlotte stabbed him while he was taking a bath; and that's really the punch line of like her whole story. If you do like a quick Google search you'll get a lot of stuff for her and even in some textbooks that I tried to look at it was just like Charlotte Corday assassin… stabbed Marat in the heart. Really, she stabbed him in a planned assassin while he was taking a bath. I'm gonna just go through the accounts of this whole story because they're not really pieced together in one area and I'm going to piece them together now so you can understand why he was like in a bathtub, why she stabbed him, and so on. Because this just sounds so strange and it's really strange to see this as your history. So the planned assassin started because she wanted, like I said, to stop from a civil war happening in France, and she truly believed that to do this you have to kill one of the leaders; and also to an extent make the other side seem strong in that way. Like if you kill one of the leaders, you prove that the other side is just as strong or stronger. So she originally planned to kill him at a Bastille Day parade to make a huge show of it and this was on July 14th 1793. Unfortunately, or fortunately for her plans in a sense the event was just like it either didn't happen or it became apparent that Marat was not going to be at that public event. So she quickly had to say okay what else can I do, how can… what will be the next step to kill him. On July 13th, so the day before this event was supposed to happen, she was able to get a meet and greet with him or just gain access to him by saying and promising to betray her political side and give some insider secrets– like name names, basically become a traitor. And Marat was like cool you're definitely high up in the Girondin side of it, let you like, come into our area, we’ll hold– like we’ll basically keep you hostage, in a sense, like that's the feel I got… like Marat was also like come to our side because if anything happens you'll be on our turf; and she did. She was like cool, great. You don't know I'm gonna kill you, you think I'm gonna come and like give you all my secrets and then you'll protect me in a way. So Marat was having this meeting in the bathtub, but this was a very normal occurrence for him because he had a terrible skin disease or infection that he would just be in the bath all the time, like the water soothed him. So he was just very vulnerable, but that was his normal state– like nothing was wrong with him taking a meeting in the tub… so like she could be alone with him. It would be more weird if they were just walking around in the streets together. And instead of having this whole conversation that Charlotte said she would, she took this knife out of her bodice that she was just like hiding there and stabbed him in the chest.

Haley: He died almost immediately; and she actually waited for the police to come. She did not run away– she waited and confessed, essentially. She was proud of what she did, she wanted this assassination like the public assassin– assassination to still have some sort of effect on the public to show that her side did it to the other side, she is responsible for ma–Marat, and she did it as this political leader, in a sense. So at the trial, she allegedly proclaimed ‘I killed one man to save a hundred thousand’ and she kept reiterating that this was in fact a planned assassination, this wasn't out of passion. She took some thought, even wrote down like accounts and like had this whole… I saw like some people called it a journal or like statement– different written statements basically on her thoughts of an upcoming civil war and what she thought she was doing to help prevent that. She was also able, before the trial she was able to write down like write a letter and write her thoughts, feelings, concerns to her father. So her father was still alive and was able to get this kinda like last testimony of hers. And of course during this trial because she did essentially plead guilty… she was ordered to be executed via guillotine just four days after the murder; so July 17th 1793. And another quote from a lawyer from all this whole trial came from I think this was a man named Vergniaud, but I couldn't find this quote as in from like a reputable source as yes this was him, so could have been just another lawyer and not this guy. However, someone as a witness to this whole trial on this whole ordeal said ‘She is leading us to our death, but she is showing us how to die’ and it was because he, as a lawyer, saw this whole thing, saw her whole plan, and knew okay this is going to become a massive shit show. Like this won't end well. She is not preventing a civil war; she actually just started a whole other battle. However, she is showing us how to die with dignity, and showing how to like own up to the actions and just just die. Essentially die because a lot of people through the Reign of Terror did die. So you thought I'd be done– and I know this is gonna be my longest but this is such a great great story– because now we get into her overall death legacy, and we do know a lot of things, unlike Amelia Earhart where we just don't know what happened to her after death. A lot of this we still have artifacts and evidence of. She overall became this French savior, like the savior of French society in her circle. Months after her death, there are just so many portraits of her in different scenarios; short hair, long hair– like I needed to go back and make sure these were the same Charlotte Corday and if there could have been multiple Charlotte's just to make sure that these images looked so vastly different. And it was because people wanted to show that she was just this holy woman and ladies now weren't the ones who are supposed to be stuck in the kitchen with raising the kids. They had the power to do something in life and in society, but they also had a spin on it, so like– like I said, she was seen as a savior, this holy woman, goddess… like they even used her Christian name so Marie-Anne Charlotte, which she– to my knowledge, and to my research didn't necessarily go by that name. But there are definitely images of that name and her with very fair skin, white, brunette hair, looking very womanly and accentuating her womanly features. So that really pissed off the other side. Like all Marat’s supporters, they were absolutely flabbergasted that she was getting such a reputation. They thought this can't be happening; she just murdered one of our political leaders, and she was executed for it, why is everyone trying to kind of put this holy cap on her. And yes, that worked to an extent, like their outcry, because like yes she did murder someone. But it didn't help enough, and there were women in French society who did try to distance themselves from her and just for ideas of what women should be like. But, Charlotte did such a good job at like the legend of her as a woman, even before she died, that it didn't matter. Like I read an article about whether she had blonde hair or chestnut brown hair from a 2004 academic article; like this is still being discussed. And she had a part of her reputation– like she knew that whether it started a civil war or not she needed to form her own reputation. And there's even accounts that she witnessed the paintings and drawings of her that would be published and printed post-execution, and she gave comments. She was like no no no no, make me look more like a schoolgirl; or like make me more with curly hair. I don't really know the specifics but it was documented that she would give kind of suggestions on how she would look like. So while she did it, she tried so hard to like make herself look like this holy woman, and yes it did work. Marat, when he died, one of his very close friends, Jacques-Louis David painted the classic portrait or classic image, not portrait The Death of Marat, which is capturing the scene of his death and that is still considered like a classic image and the classic picture from– especially from the French Revolution. So I don't– I don't want to go as far as saying either Charlotte's portrayed as this holy one or this heinous, murderous, like scoundrel because both of them have lasted to this point in history that no one can make up their mind whether this was like a good thing that happened or a bad thing that happened. And I don’t even– I don’t even want to put out like in the universe whether we should have the discussion; if we should say like yes or no. I just wanna give you the facts and let you kind of like decide but that is Charlotte Corday.

Lexi: She is very interesting.

Alana: Yeah that's real cool. That's fun. That was a good transition for… from the guillotine to…

Lexi: Yes, good choice.

Alana: Charlotte Corday. I’m glad we let you go first.

Lexi: Alana hit us. Hit us with it. Don't hit us please don't hit me.

Alana: I won’t hit you. Okay so I will be talking about Giulia Tofana. Um.. Ooooh Haley's face, I'm so excited. I feel like– I hope I do this justice. Oh no. She is Giulia but it’s spelled G-I-U because she's Italian. Okay. So. I like to give credit as we've seen in the past like where I have first found out about my stories. And so I first found out about Ms. Tofana– I should I should call her Giulia not Ms. Tofana because there’s another Tofana, her mother’s name is also Tofana. I heard about this for the first time on Wut. W-U-T which is another great edutainment podcast by women. I'm gonna promo them without needing a sponsorship or a collab because women supporting women. So if you like us, go check them out. That was fun. They're not specifically women's history they're just kind of fun facts in general so not as niche as us but still pretty cool. And then I heard about that podcast from my friend Jesse on Twitter… I think we're friends I don't know I think we're friends… so shout out to Jesse. So Giulia Tofana, G-I-U because she's Italian, lived in the seventeenth century. Exact dates are kind of weird because she was a woman and not highborn. Best guess she was born in Palermo in Sicily. Her mother was executed for poisoning her father, possibly because he was abusive. This is a thing– like a running theme that we’ll see it later. Also later, Giulia's husband died mysteriously, probably also poisoned, probably also abusive. So she moved to Rome at some point in the 1630s-ish, probably, as a widow with her daughter to sell cosmetics and be apothecaries and poison people. Dun dun dun…

Alana: So women in the seventeenth century have so many options. They can be sex workers, they can be essentially auctioned off to almost always abuse of older men and then later if their husbands died become respected widows. Those are your options. So many! So many options! What– how are you going to pick, so many things.

Lexi: The amount of choices is staggering.

Alana: Paralyzed by choice, really. My sources call these women ‘aspiring windows’ as if they are gold diggers and not battered women with no escape. I love– I love that like my running theme is criticizing my sources. That's my thing. Giulia crafted essentially her own poison. Created her own poison, or what by all accounts… she was the one who came up with this. Between like her and her mother and her daughter they came up with this poison called aqua tofana, named after her. It's a combination of arsenic and belladonna and lead, which are things that are already in cosmetics at the time but not quite lethal, still have problems, but not lethal unless they're ingested. And so having these things on a vanity looks totally normal. And so Giulia, as someone who experienced abuse, who had watched her mother get executed for defending herself, essentially… I am not condoning murder, and I know it's never good to say something at the beginning of a sentence like ‘I'm not condoning murder’ and then doing ‘but’... I feel like… there are no options.

Lexi: Self defense.

Alana: Self defense.

Lexi: And it seems very clear– again, we don't know the whole situation but it seems very clear that she was in a bad situation.

Alana: A bad situation. Yeah

Lexi: We are not the judge, jury, or the executioner so we can't say.

Alana: So she, having probably been abused and having watched her mother probably been abused and watched her mother get executed for essentially defending herself… she's going to help these other women get out of their marriages in such a way that it can't be traced. Because this poisoning with this mixture of belladonna and arsenic and lead, it takes really long for someone to die. Really long is like two to three days, but it also looks like natural causes or another illness which always happened in the 1600s. People got sick and died and that was just normal. And it gave these men time to get their affairs in order and to confess their sins and in a very Catholic area at a very Catholic time you like automatically got into heaven as long as you confessed your sins. So since these people had time to confess their sins, our murderess wouldn't have to feel so guilty that she was condemning her husband to hell even though he was probably hurting her. It only takes four to six drops to kill someone, depending on their size and all of that other stuff. And another side fact, side fun fact: Mozart, who nobody knows how Mozart died, Mozart wholeheartedly believed that he was poisoned with aqua tofana, but nobody knows. I feel so good that Haley is just nodding fervently. I feel like I'm doing a good job. Thank you for that.

Haley: I've awkwardly read so much on arsenic poisoning. Just so much so, but yes you are correct. There are probably just so many people who died of arsenic poison in the 1600s because autopsies weren’t like what we have today where you can do a toxicology, so so many people would seem like they were getting ill, because a lot of the times it just looks like a common cold or flu-like symptoms, they just weren't feeling good. But then they would die so now people do toxicology because it's a thirty year old man with no pre-existing conditions. But when you're talking about it in the 1600s it's like ‘oh they got sick we don't have modern medicine to help out.’

Alana: Nobody knows what's happening, essentially. It's like ‘oh no another person got sick.’ So Giulia Tofana sold this with her daughter and some employees at this family business, essentially, which is a weird way to think about it– that the family business is murder. They operated like this for about fifty years, for decades. And… at least the estimated number is something like six hundred plus people died because she sold their wives poison. But she got caught, and legend has it– and there are so many foggy details but this seems way too specific so I think like somebody exaggerated but, one of her clients who had bought the aqua tofana to poison her husband had poisoned a bowl of soup but decided, ‘no, I can’t. I can’t kill someone’ and dramatically knocked it out of his hand. And that's where I am thinking this… somebody exaggerated. Somebody made this up because that's way too specific. But she stopped her husband from eating the soup and confessed her crimes and turned in Giulia Tofana and her daughter and their three employees at the business. And all of them were executed. Under torture, of course, it's the seventeenth century, she turned on a bunch of her clients as well. So a bunch of her clients were also executed. Some of them were not executed, because they claimed that they didn't know that it was poison and it was just ‘oh no, I spilled some of my lotion in my husband’s soup… Oops. Oopsie poopsies I’m only like fourteen I don't know any better.’ I made myself laugh with that one I’m sorry. But those people were spared. So there is something to… was Giulia a hero, was she a murderess, could both of those things be true…

Lexi: Was she an anti-hero?

Alana: She's kind of an anti-hero. I think that's what we’re going for.

Haley: I like that, I like anti-hero.

Alana: I think– I also think like–

Lexi: Like a Robin Hood, but murder.

Alana: Batman, but murder. Does Batman kill people?

Lexi: Robin Hood stole things, he didn't kill anyone. This is like the Robin Hood of murdering people.

Alana: Sure.

Lexi: It's like murder the rich, give to the wife?

Alana: Vigilante!

Lexi: I don't know. Vigilante murder, yeah.

Haley: So far we’re on the track of like ‘our criminals are good, question mark?’

(Alana laughing)

Lexi: Mine was definitely a criminal, but we'll get in that.

Alana: Well, I am done. So, Lexi let’s get into that.

Lexi: What a segue! Okay. So my lady, though definitely also had a lot of background trauma as it seems that a lot of these ladies had definitely did crime. So we'll just jump in. Have you guys ever heard of the queen of the mob?

Haley: Yes. I'm so excited that you're doing this one.

Alana: Maybe. You'll have to tell me her name.

Lexi: Okay.

Haley: This is truly like my favorite episodes so far, and I like hate when people like get really into criminals like some people, like for Jeffrey Dahmer, people love him, think he's like the most beautiful man, same with Ted Bundy, and that's not where my head is at.

Lexi: That’s creepy.

Haley: I have a true fascination with the history of crime, death, medicine, and how our society perceives it now. When I say I love these people or I love these stories that is not where I'm going.

Lexi: You're not doing the whole crime fandom crush thing.

Haley: No.

Alana: I have seen people get like Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer's signatures tattooed on themselves.

Lexi: That’s creepy.

Haley: Yeah

Lexi: And I don't condone that.

Alana: No we don't like that.

Lexi: But you can be interested in crime especially because as someone who has taken courses in the forensic realm… and who likes bones, and likes that kind of thing, I think you can be interested in the human phenomenon.

Alana: As academics.

Haley: That’s where we’re at for me.

Alana: Not as fanatics.

Lexi: Yes, yes.

Haley: I was listening to like you guys speak and kind of like going back in my head like oh, I seem like such a psycho when I’m like ‘I love Charlotte’ like she is just a fascinating human.

(Alana laughing)

Lexi: Well now we’ve clarified which is good.

Haley: She assassinated someone. And assassinations aren’t swell.

Lexi: But like when you think about like what is interesting on TV, or like what is interesting in our fiction, it's because humans have a general interest. So–

Haley: I wanna write a whole paper on that. Just truly that whole concept.

Lexi: So the queen of the mob, Virginia Hill. You can learn about her at the Mob Museum, people are really really fascinated with her and her story is really interesting. And she was born on August 26, 1916 in a place called Lipscomb, Alabama. I might have said that wrong, you know general– general reminder I say things wrong sometimes. She was born on her father's horse farm. Her father was abusive and he actually beat her and her siblings when they were children and one day she got really fed up with him attacking her and her little siblings so she hit him with a hot skillet in self defense. At the age of fourteen, Virginia married a man named George and three years later the couple moved to Chicago. When they got there she dumped him because you realize the world is a lot bigger than her hometown in Alabama, and so seventeen year old Virginia wanted to start her life anew. At the time, the 1933 Chicago Century of Progress Exposition, which is a World's Fair style event, and it was conceived to bring hope in the wake of the Great Depression that was happening. So Virginia took a job dancing, like as a shimmy dancer, so she had a really unique–

Alana: What– what does shimmy dancer mean? Like a go-go dancer? Like a str– like what?

Lexi: I think you dance shimmy like you shake back and forth and you wear tassels, I believe.

Alana: Dream job.

Lexi: But someone feel free to correct me.

Haley: Yeah, I was thinking one of those 1920s cigarette girls.

Lexi: Yeah that could probably be it because this is a similar era.

Haley: Like they would have like the thing that went over them holding a plate platter like tray that they would just like walk around, dance around, and you can buy stuff from them.

Lexi: Yeah. It could possibly be akin to that. When the fair ended, Virginia became a waitress at one of Al Capone's old haunts the San Carlo Italian Village, which is a restaurant not a town. I had to Google that. Though Capone was at that time in prison, he went to prison in 1931, the community of criminals that he had built was still thriving, and it was– it was in this role as a waitress serving tables of America’s mobsters that Virginia met the man who would change her life. His name was Joe Epstein. He was an accountant and bookkeeper for Capone's crime family, and he took a liking to Virginia’s style, and that doesn't mean like her physical attractiveness… she had a certain style of a way that she talked to the mobsters, and she seemed to really have like a no-nonsense kind of ability to deal with the mobsters, which is really unique in a girl so young. So he felt he could trust her, and he took her on as a money launderer for his racketeering. She laundered the money by placing large bets on horses in Chicago's racetracks. She later moved into betting scams which is basically when she learned how from Joe to collect bets on fixed boxing matches. So the matches will be predetermined, but she would encourage people to bet the losing side. Virginia didn't just launder money. Joe taught her how to dress and act like a rich woman, and used her to cross state lines with stolen furs, jewels, and other items, because of course no one would suspect a nice, rich lady of stealing things and crossing state lines with them. The craziest part is that this all happened before Virginia even turned twenty. So by the age of twenty she was wearing really wealthy clothes, working really wealthy circles, and basically was a part of the mob. Over time, Hill became a trusted cash carrier, money launderer, and information gatherer for Joe and the rest of Capone's crew. She had many rich boyfriends and often used these relationships to benefit her mob family. In one instance she dated an oil tycoon named Major Riddle. No, you cannot make up this name, and yes, I wrote in my script to pause for insane laughter but no one is laughing. I think his name is hilarious.

Haley: I think that’s the best name ever.

Alana: We're on meat. We're on mute. Lexi that's why we're not laughing you didn't... they won’t be able to see the face that I made.

Lexi: Yeah. That's true. I forgot. Well anyway she dated this oil tycoon Mr. Riddle and she convinced him to give her money for investments that were like completely fake and she took that money back to her boy Joe. And Hill used her womanly charm, and by that I mean she seduced men. And through these methods she was able to obtain valuable information for her mob bros. Joe encourage Virginia to move out east to build connections between Chicago and New York crime syndicates. In New York, she laundered money and met many more men including a Mexican night club dancer named excuse my pronunciation, if this is wrong, Miguelito Valdez. At some point Virginia marriedValdez to help him maintain his residence in the United States. And then Virginia, at the same time as this marriage, had an on and off affair with Benjamin “Bugsy” Siegel who is a really famous leader in organized crime.The pair is well known to have real chemistry so this wasn't just considered to be a case of her seducing someone. They think that she genuinely liked him And unfortunately at the time Bugsy was married to another woman. In 1940, he was sent to jail on a murder charge. While Bugsy was in jail, Virginia tricked Valdez into signing divorce papers. And it was all very “90 day fiance” of her if you ask me. It is unclear if it was through her marriage or not but at some point Virginia had become very fluent in Spanish. She used her newfound language skills to begin trafficking drugs particularly heroin from Mexico to Chicago. In the 1940s, she attempted to start a career acting in Hollywood while transferring cash from New York to Chicago to LA. Meanwhile, Bugsy was setting up his new crime life in Las Vegas which he believed was the new up and coming resort destination for Americans and in hindsight he was probably right. He wanted Virginia to join him and she did but mainly only to spy on his activities and report back to her other mob leaders like Joe. Unfortunately, Bugsy’s biggest dreams were dashed when his resort project the “Flamingo” failed. He had drowned too much money into elabore improvements to the resort and lost cash when lucky winners struck it big in his casino. In a desperate attempt to save the business, he closed the casino and reopened the Flamingo as a hotel only, which sadly was unsuccessful, because we all know how Vegas went. Hill received orders to leave Las Vegas, so she did. 12 days later, someone shot Bugsy dead in their home. In 1950, Virginia went to a ski resort in Idaho, which I didn’t know you could ski in Idaho, but apparently you can. And she fell in love with an instructor named Hans Hauser. Again, very “90 Day Fiance” of her. Though she was still laundering money and Hauser was not a criminal, he still wanted to marry her. The couple eloped and had a son named Peter. Later that year, Virginia was subpoenaed to appear in a trial on organized crime which would be shown on National TV. She arrived like a star, dressed from head to toe in expensive clothing and jewelry. As a witness, she served her crime family well, evading details and giving vague, basic answers to in depth questions. She used creative lies to explain away all the cash she had laundered, explaining how she had bet money on horses to win her initial cash. She also insisted that most of her wealth came from gifts of suitors, or as we would probably call them today her sugar daddies. Now quick side note- this kinda gives me vibes of the musical Chicago and that song about the main character’s testimony, where she basically used her charm and virtue as a woman to get out of murder. “Well I can’t help it sir, I am just so beautiful men flock to me and give me free things.” On the stand, Virinigia denied that her male friends and lovers were racketeers. When the investigators caught her in her lies, she simply denied knowledge of the nature of their work. “But I never knew anything about their business” she would say. She denied her ability to have any financial knowledge, you know, because she was a lady, and ladies don’t do money things.

Alana: Ladies don’t money.

Lexi: Ladies never money.

Alana: Women be shopping but women don’t be money.

Haley: I love the comparison, like this whole story cuz this is so much like Charlotte. Both of these ladies are trying to be like, “Oh women do this, this is how women look, look how beautiful we are.

Lexi: That’s the vibe. That’s the vibe she was going for. The investigators were still suspicious, it did not work. Because, you know, it was about to be the sixties I mean it was the fifties but was about to be the sixties and so women were going to be liberated. As Virginia left the trial, she cursed out the press and she punched a reporter in the face. Then as she got her car she told reporters she hoped an atomic bomb would be dropped on them, which I think is a timely thing to say. This was right after World War II. That- That’s a big insult. That’s really mean. Virginia and Hans then realized that they needed to leave America so they moved to Europe. The IRS was still on Virginia's tail and she knew she could not return to the States ever again. She met up with her old boyfriends and colleagues while they were in Europe and it was clear she still received money from her life's consistent characters like Joe. In the nineteen sixties Virginia and her family settled in Austria and her mental health rapidly declined.

Viriginia had suffered with her mental health through most of her adult life, getting hooked on sleeping pills and almost dying from a sleeping pill overdose on at least one occasion. Her life was turbulent, her trauma was intense, and she survived at least three separate suicide attempts. On cold, winter’s day, March 24th, 1966, in Austria, Virginia took her own life. Pedestrians taking a walk along the water found her body, laying in the snow, along with a note stating the reason for her death, “I am tired of life”. Her husband Hans also took his own life, passing in 1974. Their son Peter, who would go on to become an American soldier and veterean of the Vietnam War, died in a car accident 20 years later. The family is buried together, in Salzburg, Austria. To this day, some crime enthusiasts believe Virginia may have been murdered, force fed pills as a method to hide a murder as suicide of someone with a history of mental illness. Though her apparent struggles with her mental health throughout her life really suggest this theory is unlikely. I think Virginia can teach us a lot, for starters I think the importance of mental health help is something her legacy can teach us. Virginia had a horrible childhood and instead of getting help she needed, she was married off and eventually she was convinced to do crime. She spent a lot of her life struggling, and it's possible some for mental health issues stem from that early trauma. I think Virginia can teach us a lot, for starters I think the importance of mental health help is something her legacy can teach us. Virginia had a horrible childhood, and instead of getting the help she needed, she was married off. She spent a lot of her life struggling, and it is possible some of her mental health issues stemmed from that early trauma. I think Virginia also teaches us that it took more than men to make the Mobs of early and mid century America function. Virginia was often called the mistress of the mob, but that’s not fair- she wasn’t a mistress of the mob, she was a member of the mob. Women, both those whose stories are recorded and those whose stories were forgotten, played central roles in organized crime. So maybe next time you think about famous figures like Al Capone, think of the women like Virginia Hill who supported the crimes too. And that’s why we cover the good, the bad, and the ugly of women’s history, because there are so many stories that go untold.

Alana: That was so beautiful.

Haley: That was mind blowing.

Lexi: Thank you! I am gonna leave in you guys calling it beautiful too!

Alana: That was incredible.

Lexi: I really thought about that really hard.

Alana: Holy shit!

Haley: I truly love that like all our stories had a moral like that the ending for Alana was also just like you have to face that you're a killer that's a no no and like Lexi here with mental health and then me being like it's not all black and white you’re both bad people!

Alana: Nuance and context is like my mantra these days.

Lexi: That’s academics.

Haley: Yes.

Alana: Nuance and context as academics.

Lexi As people who studied at a university. Oh my.

Alana: I have a bachelor's degree.

Lexi: Mhmm. Is this podcast just proof to your parents that you got a bachelor's degree?

Alana: No, they paid for it.

Lexi: They know.

Alana: They know.

Lexi: They suffered.

(Alana laughing)

Lexi: You can find this podcast on Twitter and Instagram at LadyHistoryPod. Our show notes and a transcript of this episode will be on lady history pod dot tumblr dot com. If you like the show, leave us a review or tell your friends, and if you don’t like the show, keep it to yourself.

Alana: Our logo is by Alexia Ibarra you can find her on Instagram and Twitter at LexiBDraws. Our theme music is by me, Garageband, and Amelia Earhart. Lexi is doing the editing. You will not see us, and we will not see you, but you will hear us, next time on Lady History.

[OUTRO MUSIC]

Haley: Next week on Lady History: we're going to be in the kitchen cooking up some great stories about famous women chefs and cooks alike.

Alana: WHERE WE BELONG.

Lexi: In the kitchen.

Alana: /s.

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