#why isn't it enough i'm minimizing the harm to the body?

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

why's it always feel like everyone wants me to be something else than what I am

[freerangeranger]

<A Recording of the Foster Island Summer Camp presentations>

The auditorium is relatively quiet, save for a bit of murmuring and shushing. Honoria, dressed in her ranger uniform, is speaking to Ellisa on the edge of the stage. After a moment of readjusting her mic pack, she gets a thumbs up, striding to the centre of the stage as a spotlight clicks on and a small applause breaks out.

"Yes, hello. Hello!" Honey shields her eyes from the light for a moment - blinking as she adjusts. "Check, check, mic on? Mic working?" She gives a thumbs up to the sound box - having probably gotten one in response before turning on the students in the crowd.

"Nuisances! Problems! Menaces!" She picks out a handful of random students to point at, the grin on her face offsetting her accusations. "I'm sure most of you have encountered wild pokemon who might fit in such categories. There's a good reason you shouldn't go wandering about without a Poke-pal of your own. Pokemon are fantastic creatures who - for the most part- are more than happy to stick to their homes in the wilderness. But what happens if a pokemon decides that long grass isn't enough?"

She searches her pockets for the remote for her powerpoint... only to fish out Lamp the Sizzlipede coveting the remote, his body wrapped around the button. The crowd goes wild - Lamp was a hit last year and remains a popular face among the students. Honey pauses for a moment, examining her partner with scrutiny.

"You are the worst of them all."

Lamp seems unfazed, and presses the button on his own accord, causing the slideshow to start. The slide reads -

"Hazards and Rehabilitation of Nuisance Pokemon: When humans and Pokemon collide"

"So, some of you might be thinking - 'Honey, what is a nuisance pokemon?' Well, it is a problem pokemon that can cause harm to property, people or both. This is not necessarily because it is acting abnormally or 'problematic'. Wild pokemon often become problems when they begin to associate humans or human property with food. Sometimes pokemon who are highly territorial, and have large ranges clash with people as development takes over their home. In both these cases the overlap between human needs and pokemon needs is what causes the problem. Which is why rangers are so often called in to help. That is our job description after all."

"For the purposes of this presentation we actually aren't going to talk about wild pokemon. However, since you are all trainers or trainers-to-be I highly encourage you all to clean up your campsites thoroughly, and be very mindful of your impact on the areas you travel through. Wild pokemon can be relocated, rehabilitated or ever captured to prevent harm to them and people. But in the long run we would prefer that we have minimal impact on areas." Honey set Lamp on her forearm, and the little bug disappeared into her breast pocket with the remote - likely to continue his very important job out of sight.

"But! There are so many more situations where a pokemon needs help. Some of the most difficult situation are those of domestic pokemon becoming hazardous to their trainers or the public."

"I'm certain you all have some examples in mind. Of course, pokemon seized from evil teams and hoarding situations absolutely fit this scenario."

Honoria un-clips a pokeball from her waist, tossing it onto the stage in an arc. A flash of white light reveals an Ariados; strangely coloured with an abnormal abdomen. Despite this the spider pokemon chatters happily - stretching his limbs before bouncing happily to examine the students at the edge of the stage.

"Soleil was unfortunate enough to have come from a combination of both those situations. He and his siblings were seized in a raid on an evil team's base and taken in by the ranger union." Honey pats her leg and the spider returns to her, climbing up her back and resting his head on her shoulder like a needy puppy. "Sol has been rehabilitated - one of the options available to rangers and behaviourists when dealing with domestic 'mon". She rubs the spider's head affectionately. "But Sol was an easy case - he was very young when we adopted him. Let's have a look at some... less conventional cases."

The slide swaps to show a photo of a court room - a somewhat comical scene. The background was the usual proceedings of a court, with a persecutor interviewing a witness on the stand. A crest of the Swords of Justice are a give away that this is a Unovan court. But in the foreground... rather than a human in the defendant's seat, a fox-like creature many would recognize as a Kadabra plays with a rubric cube, while a lawyer looks on perturbed.

Honey's composure cracks a bit at the photo, a smile creeping onto her face for a moment before turning back to the crowd.

"This was a situation in Unova that rangers were called in to mediate over the past few months. A Kadabra was charged with Fraud and Invasion of Privacy after it was discovered to have been running a crypto-currency website, stealing millions and collecting sensitive personal information. Originally, the trainer of the Kadabra claimed ignorance to the situation and pokemon activist groups in Unova argued that the Kadabra had the right to a fair trial."

She paused to let the sitation sink in, before cracking another grin. "It's frankly... unexpected. This is a very odd case, but at its core it is an under stimulated pokemon becoming a hazard and nuisance to humans around it. While handling of the legal side isn't my jurisdiction I also... don't believe you can or should hold a pokemon accountable in a human court of law."

Honey paced the stage as she continued. "In this situation, regardless of the outcome of the trial it was determined that the Kadabra would be removed from it's trainer's care and re-homed to a centre or foster home that would provide it with enough mental stimulation to avoid such... incidents in the future. Unfortunately, this isn't all that uncommon. Psychic, dark and ghost types are high needs species and tend to make up a large percentage of domestic nuisance pokemon - especially if they were owned by younger trainers." She stopped off to the side, the spotlight lagging slightly as it followed her.

"Eventually, the trainer came forward and admitted their involvement in the scam - which allowed the rangers to confiscate the kadabra as the trial was swapped from one for a pokemon with little personal agency to a human - which is much more straightforward."

"But as you can imagine, there are nuisance pokemon where the situation is even more convoluted and morally grey."

The slide changes again to show the inside of what appears to be a hospital. Yet there are very few humans present - in fact, most of the patients seem to be pokemon! In the centre of the photo is a large tan creature - a Beehyem, which looks nervously away from the human who is attempting to get them to play solitaire.

"Mainframe the Beehyem was taken from its trainer for the safety of them and those around them. It was discovered it was acting as a 'unofficial' service pokemon. Unfortunately, because they were never trained to provide emotional or physical support to their trainer, their methods ended up being harmful."

"Beehyem are considered very alien pokemon, even by the standards of psychic types. While some say they can speak, this isn't technically true. Many psychic types alter the brain chemistry of those around them to communicate - and in Mainframe's case it chose to communicate by altering the past memories of its trainer to make it seem to them as if it had spoken."

Honey paused, staring out at the audience. "This might not seem terrible in theory, but in the long run it essentially functions as gas lighting - especially since Mainframe also took it upon themselves to help their trainer towards they 'goals' - erasing all memories they deemed unnecessary or harmful. Which - in this case - included friends and family reaching out to their trainer. '

A somewhat uncomfortable silence fell over the audience, and Honey waited for some of the murmuring to quiet down. "So, the question now is - is Mainframe dangerous?"

She let people consider for a moment before continuing. "Yes. They caused substantial harm to a human and their relationships. But - simply releasing this pokemon isn't going to solve anything - they are too human habituated. Euthanasia was also determined to be unethical. Mainframe has no ill will towards humans. In fact - it wants to be helpful. The problem is that Mainframe has no real enrichment - nor coping mechanisms to deal with boredom beyond speaking and altering human cognition. For the first few months of being in Ranger supervision it would simply deactivate and float aimlessly- refusing to engage with outside stimulus out of fear."

Honey smiled, somewhat sadly. "Mainframe now lives in a Union facility, with caretakers who are shielded from psychic influences. Unfortunately this has isolated it - they can no longer 'speak', but they are being taught new communication methods and exposed to new enrichment - such as algorithmic sorting and music composition. It's likely they won't ever be a civilian pokemon again but there is a good chance they can return to the care of a trainer or ranger who can provide them with resources to prevent such issues from reoccurring."

"Let Mainframe be a cautionary tale. Not all pokemon work for all trainers. Not all trainers are skilled enough to keep high needs pokemon. There is no shame in admitting you are out of your depth - in the long run it could harm you and your pokemon."

Soleil the Ariados switched shoulders and stared out at the crowd as Honoria gave her warning. "But! If you are interested in pokemon welfare there are also less complicated cases where a pokemon needs to be re-homed or simply be provided with a safe, comfortable place to recover." The slide associated with Honey's powerpoint is a QR code, which leads to a link for fostering Pokemon from shelters, and volunteering with the Ranger Union.

"For the vast majority of domestic nuisance pokemon, they just need positive reinforcement and to be provided with enrichment such as daily exercise, battle training, grooming, toys and new experiences such as travel. These are all great, and relatively simple ways to prevent negative behaviours in pokemon - and are also a way to better yourself at the same time."

A frankly comical photo of Sol as a Spinarak lying on the ground pouting in a harness flashes up on the screen, as current Soleil preens Honey's ponytail.

"Even if they don't necessarily want to."

With the laughter of the crowd, Honoria and Sol take a bow and Honey waves. "Thank you for taking time out of your day to come to this presentation. If you have any questions I will be around the stage for the next half-hour, and I will be on campus for the rest of the week!" Laughter morphed into applause, and Honey - after checking her pockets to make sure she didn't leave any pokemon on stage (again), hopped down out of the spotlight as the lights slowly come up.

<End Video>

Credits:

Art by @freerangeranger

Special thanks to @sneasedtomeetyou for help with brainstorming and letting me share Mainframe!

[thedragonagelesbian]

Hey…can you talk more about Cyrus not being able to die? How does that happen? When does the realization happen? How does that affect his views on his body and death?

hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii yes i can always say more about the headcanon plot armor/corporeal angst i made up for the specialist boy in thedas

cyrus not being able to die is an outgrowth of the innate healing he develops over the course of da2, which is the result of (a) longterm overexposure to anders' healing magic, such that it just kind of never goes away and lingers inside of him and (b) metaphysical kirkwall's possessiveness of him as its champion and unwillingness to see him fall. i often conceptualize it like how cole describes templars' ability to block magic: their bodies always want to connect to... something older. Bigger than they are. That's why they block magic. They reach for that other thing, and magic has no room to come in. cyrus' constant harm -> heal -> harm cycle creates more gaps in his body, but what he's connecting to instead isn't the titans but kirkwall itself.

subsequently, the innate healing (and the resistance to other forms of healing) begins to develop with the arishok fight: cyrus very nearly dies, and as he's bleeding out onto the floor of the keep, the twisted and lingering ancient tevinter magic at kirkwall's core accepts this as sacrifice and in exchange gives him the strength to finish the duel... at the cost of his body no longer being his own.

it's not something cyrus discovers until post-game, though. there's simply. too fucking much going on already. with the reaverisms and the heavy armor and the constant fight-or-fight instinct and the classic minimization/denial, it's just very hard to tell when or how badly cyrus is hurt, especially with his body healing minor injuries near instantaneously.

i'm not totally committed to the timeline of when cyrus realizes it, but the idea i've tossed around the most is that it happens after he, varric, and merrill have relocated to val royeaux, during the chevalier academy graduation ceremony of. slaughtering city elves. cyrus is in the val royeaux alieange trying to protect folks--no weapons or armor just his body--he isnt fast enough, a chevalier strikes him down......... and then he gets back up again.

and ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm it sure Does Not Help. cyrus is already so alienated from his body, already has episodes where it does not feel like it's real or his, already has periods where he can't tell where he begins and ends, and realizing this intensifies all of those feelings. he doesn't/can't fight much in the time between da2 and inq without drawing undue attention (which doesn't help the listlessness & depression of those years either), but when he does, he's even more reckless with himself, much to varric's chagrin. there's also a general loss of sensitivity to both pain and pleasure, which means cyrus becomes very prone to accidentally hurting himself...... and, on the absolute worst days, intentionally hurting himself just to try to feel something.

over the three years between da2 & inq, it's something cyrus learns to be more at peace with/careful about, seeking out less harmful forms of physical stimulation if not for his own sake then certainly for varric's. at the same time, it's also something he never expected could be or necessarily wanted to have fixed? because that would mean even more magic, even more tampering, even more alienation from his body. he lets merrill investigate it to a certain extent, but he prefers to try to live with it. some days, that feels like an agential choice he gets to make. some days, it feels like something fate forced upon him. but he keeps going anyway (and praying to the creators helps a lot too!)

it's also part of why his recovery from the fade takes so long-- breaking kirkwall's hold on him once and for all breaks this magic too, restoring him to mortality & fragility but also softness & vulnerability & gentleness.

[allwormdiet]

Tangle 6.6

Well hell, not a whole lot getting worse when one of you has a gun to their back

"Surrender." "No." is kind of the vibe, isn't it.

And yeah, fuck this was smart, but now the offensive has ground to a halt thanks to Armsmaster's interception

...Also it's cute that he fell for Tattetale's fib

Yeah exactly. Information control, an incredible asset

She's picking him apart, and his tools as well, but she either doesn't realize she's playing with fire or doesn't care

This is a fight, so I'm not gonna act like Armsmaster swinging on Tattletale is somehow a foul, but it does feel a little like a foul considering that's the only swing he makes for another while here

Are we sure Miss Militia is more likeable than Armsmaster? Bc Armsmaster isn't the one putting a bladed weapon at someone's neck, and I don't think you can "rubber bullets" your way out of a machete blow

Also the exchange between Grue and Regent is amusing

Hi again, Emma, hope you're having an awful time <3

Oh, that's why Tattletale was willing to risk the fucking sucker blow from Armsmaster; she knew that was gonna be the assist the others could use to get the score

God that's kinda great though. This business is about reputation and pageantry and they can use this stage, with an audience of rich and important people, to get a shitload of leverage against the heroes

Also the machete really is a bad look, like c'mon

And the reluctance to swap the machete out for a fucking baton or something doesn't look much better, why does Taylor still think she's cool at the end of this arc?

Fucking good job on Regent's part here. Outrageously gross, but it gets the job done.

And another really fucking clever maneuver. I dunno what Armsmaster is talking about, this was a fucking slick maneuver. Minimal harm taken and she gets to keep her bugs up, that's obviously the play

So this is actually a neat way to work around the whole "speedster" concept. Velocity's still good at what he does, but he's not the kind of low-key god that Flash is

Yeah, exactly, he doesn't need to hit hard to make this a problem, he just needs to hit enough

So Taylor is in fact gonna keep going for the eyes, got it

At least Velocity gets to keep his, last guy wasn't so lucky

Okay so first off, who the fuck at the Protectorate signed off on this man not wearing a cup? Extra mobility and reduced friction my ass, that's a sacrifice you make so your dick doesn't get punched clean off your body

Also Taylor, honey, I really don't know if there's something he'll ever accept as recompense for this, especially because I don't think the two of you are ever gonna work together outside of truce conditions. Even if you do manage to swing becoming a hero (which I think she does) there's no way they're having you work alongside someone you beat and humiliated this thoroughly

Yeah this man is not the local Protectorate boss for nothing, no kidding he's kicking ass like this

For all that I think Armsmaster has acted like a massive tool, his versatility and competence really can't be understated. I think there's still bad match-ups for him, even or especially in the Bay when you're looking at hitters like Purity, but I don't think that's really insurmountable for him. Hard, absolutely, but not insurmountable.

Tattletale getting desperate, I think. Obviously the hostages worked great against the Wards last time, no reason to think it wouldn't work against the Protectorate, except of course Armsmaster isn't going to allow a hostage to be taken

Bitch ilu

No for real, Bitch I love you

What an incredible display of defiance and trust. She doesn't bother with the head games, she's just like "oh you really don't want to turn your back on Skitter, she'll fuck you up like she did Lung"

Of course Skitter does kinda fumble on the pass but that's okay, she's learning

EDIT: also, of course her smile is unnerving Taylor, it’s a threat display, you know this about her

Haha, oh no

I wonder if this whole sequence would've gone differently if Emma wasn't there to fuel Skitter's rage and spite. Probably, right?

So, they're both idiots, is the thing

Skitter knew going into this that Armsmaster has an ego thing, that he soured on her between their first and second meetings because she tarnished the big win on his record. So far her team has defeated and embarrassed every Ward and Protectorate member in the building except for him, and as the leader of the latter and mentor of the former that already reflects poorly on him, setting aside the fact that villains crashed a fundraiser to lift morale and trust in the Protectorate/PRT. There was no way he was ever going to fold on this.

Meanwhile, Armsmaster has already completely written Skitter off as a loss. She cost him the glory of taking Lung down, she absolutely punked the Wards during the bank job (which again reflects on him as a mentor), and she's clearly in over her head as a rookie. But he could still pull her out of the villain life at this point, she's still got a hand outstretched even though their last meeting broke down (because he was having a fit over his tarnished glory) and all he has to do is meet her there. And he doesn't, because he can't compromise like that. Because it might reflect poorly on him. Because this apparently certain win against some upstart thieves is worth more than a hypothetical takedown of whoever is backing them.

And now Armsmaster has to eat seven hundred wasps for his trouble

Alright cool now get the fuck out of there

Taylor what are you fucking talking about, you could not be more bound to the Undersiders at this point

Current Thoughts

Armsmaster really put up the numbers on this chapter, man was fighting like eight-to-one for most of this sequence and it was a close fucking thing. It's a shame his personality sucks or else I'd almost be tempted to root for him in a way

Still thinking about how Miss Militia resorted to a machete to pin Regent down, like how is that one not a threat of lethal force

Velocity made a good showing, got some hits in, but. Nobody in their right mind should ever skip out on protecting the groin. Points deducted for an easily avoidable loss

And holy shit the Undersiders managed to pull this one together. They've still got Dauntless and an absolutely pissed Armsmaster to still deal with, but the worst kind of defeat is already cleared and even if they were to lose they'd have still dealt a massive blow to the heroes

...which is why I'm still a little stunned that between the mission and the conversation with Armsmaster Taylor still thinks she can walk away from this clean. Lil delusional on that one, hon.

[purgemarchlockdown]

New Apple

(Also Known as: Nott Broke, I am now writing the WKTD-Amane Cross Analysis. This is also the Trans Amane Momose Thesis)

(CWs: Cults, Child Abuse, Child Death, Body Horror, Homophobia, Transphobia.)

(Spoilers for We Know The Devil and Milgram.)

I am a unrepentant fan of the Visual Novel We Know The Devil. I love it dearly, I think it's one of the best Things ever made.

I am also a...fan, to say the least, of Amane Momose. I think about her every day. And as a result I've thought about these two things together a lot. I think there's a lot of thematically cohesion that can be derived from putting the two together.

Since this is Milgram Focused, I'm going to put an explanation for what the plot of WKTD is first before continuing.

WKTD is a 2015 VN about Three Bad Kids at a Christian Summer Camp who are sent to meet The Devil one day in a cabin in the woods. This game is about Queer Religious Horror and has great prose and you should play it-

Now, there are already comparisons that can be drawn to Amane's cult and the game's main premise, but let's discuss each of the three kids first.

No Prince For The Princesses

Starting with Jupiter. Jupiter is the tomboyish good kid of the bunch or, more accurately, tries her best to be the good kid to minimal success.

Laughing off a head injury isn't all that Jupiter's good at; she has the best grades in class, and coaches make her starter on whatever team has the most pressing need for someone who can do sports. She's a perfect role model, except for how she always misses the winning goal and she always blanks on the last question. She leads when no one else wants to, which is always.

Jupiter can keep up until right when it matters the most. It's here where I mention Jupiter snaps a hairband against her wrist, a common tactic used as an alternative to self-harm.

Her place in the dysfunctional group of problem kids becoming clear as her issues with being the perfect good kid and her immense self-hate and loathing start to seep through. Jupiter struggles under this weight of expectations and pleasing others but tries to pretend she an:

Neptune: ascetic monk at not giving a shit.

To her own detriment, she hangs out with the Worst Group in the Camp of Worst Kids just so she can get them to stay away from her. If they just like her enough then they won't bother her. Even if she personally dislikes them and how they act.

Not that she...enjoys acting like this. She's disgusted by the idea of the Counselor liking her. Because:

Jupiter: He likes people he can make a little uncomfortable and won't give any trouble about it.

Though as Venus says, that's exactly why he likes their group.

Jupiter is someone who's resigned to reality being like this. To being considered a bad kid even though she tried so hard. Sure it's unfair and people have tried a lot less than her but:

Jupiter: You can still get better at this, if you try, you know?

Even I can say "I'm sorry" Even I have hope I swear! I'm going to be a good girl now! That's it!

Anyway, Jupiter Kisses Girls. She Likes Women. She's a Lesbian. She has a Seven Minutes in Heaven Scene with Neptune where they Kiss-

That kiss having a lot of relevance to how (specifically) a t1 Amane attempts to approach certain taboo ideas and concepts.

Jupiter: It's not real if we don't say it out loud, right?

Amane tends to talk around things in T1. It's not immediately noticeable but it's prevalent in a lot of her speak. Specifically when taboo ideas come into play. Instead of saying anything directly she talks around it.

(Apostle and Death)

Amane: Okay! I’m kind, so I shall forgive you. That’s nice, isn’t it? If my parents were in my place, you would have been lectured for another hour.

This is my favorite example, as Amane is just calling her parents unkind here. But, Amane isn't really good at talking around things. In the same VD, when faced with the knoweldge that she's being underestimated she immdieatly talks about her genuine feelings about being treated like a child, and being talked down to because of it. Being very forward and open about her own emotions.

Outside of that we have instances of her showing interest in things that are believed to be taboo, or at least in things discouraged by her community.

(20/06/27, Amane’s Birthday)

Amane: I don’t need it. I’ll gratefully accept your well-wishes, but I don’t eat things like that. Also…… Shidou-san, I can’t say I’m especially fond of the way you assume that all children will love frivolous things like this. Shidou: ………… Is that so… I apologise. I’m sure everyone else will be happy to eat it, so don’t worry about it. Sorry for intruding. Amane: ………… ……cake……

She even disrespects the blue flag in Purge March, the flag representing "discarding vulgarity"

Considering both how a lot of the generally aesthetics of Magic and Purge March seem to be considered frivolous. And her being forbidden to go to an amusement park.

T1Q5:When you go to an amusement park, what do you like to ride? A: That is a place I should not go to.

I think we can infer that these things are consider vulgar and wanting them anyway. She wants something outside of what she has. Something that she tries to Hide in her interrogations. (Interrogations)

T1Q3: If you were allowed to do anything, what would you want to do? Nothing really. I am not lacking anything.

T1Q17: What would you do if the world ends tomorrow? If everything ends? Then, I might do all sorts of things I have never done before.

(Put a pin in these interros, we are Going to come back to them.)

It's wrong to want such a thing, she knows this well. That's why she doesn't say it out loud. It's not real until she does. No one can punish her for it if she doesn't say anything.

Except...they Do. Same with Jupiter, people who didn't try as hard to get into the "proper, good girl" summer scouts got in when Jupiter didn't. Amane studies so hard and yet she only gets a 83% when Kotoko is tutoring her.

(20/06/18)

Kotoko: There, I’ve finished marking. 83%. How do I put it… Even though you act like this, it’s not like you’re super brilliant at studying or anything, huh.

She just blanks at the last question.

Misses the winning goal.

Something about Her is...inherently holding them back from this illustrious standard of being a good girl. It's just, impossible for her to be one. She knows this herself.

Only if, only if, only if I could be a good girl

And even though she tries, she Can't do anything to change that. In the same way that no matter how hard Jupiter tries, people instinctively understand that she's something Other somehow. The both of them being harmed over and over again in an attempt to live up to ideals that they will...never be able to live up to.

The system of We Know The Devil works like this, you choose two kids and leave one behind each hour. Leave one behind enough and they become the devil. The worst kid out of all of them.

Jupiter does her best but her best is never going to be enough. So if she gets excluded enough times...

Even the best kid has the devil inside her.

Jupiter wants to touch, to hit, to pull.

Venus: I wish I could be meaner. I wish I could be so much meaner.

She's never going to be able to make up for this incessant greedy Want.

Her hairband snaps here, she can't keep the devil away for much longer, and she knows it.

Jupiter: You know, I actually liked when the captain talked about how heaven was on merit; as long as you do good things, maybe you can one day be good… Jupiter: But then they said we don’t believe that anymore and it’s only what’s in your heart that matters. Jupiter: Just when I think I got it right, they changed it. Jupiter: I can try hard, but I think… Jupiter: God knows my heart isn’t really in it. And that was my only shot, right?

Amane considers love a showcase of mercy,

T2Q9: What does love mean to you? A: To spread mercy with no limits.

And considers her punishments love.

T2Q2: Do you believe you were loved? A: Very much deeply.

I suppose when you think about it, trying to beat the devil out of someone is mercy.

But, you can't really do anything about it if someone does want the devil.

Jupiter: It's wrong to want such a thing, you know that, don't you? So don't do it. I still know that much.

In each color ending, the devil gets destroyed. The devil only getting one moment for whatever they wanted.

For revenge, for love, for "please take me back."

One Singular Moment to live as they are before having it burnt out of them.

...Someone had to have opened that door at the end of Purge March

(Milgram T1 Glitched Character Voicelines)

Amane: Ahh! I'm so sorry...! I'm sorry...! I'm sorry for breaking the rules!

Lukewarm, I Spit You Out

We have more bad kids to go through, so let's talk Neptune.

Neptune is, to be blunt, a self-proclaimed bitch. She doesn't act like she's supposed to belong her which is exactly why she belongs here. She uses profanities, sneaks alcohol into the camp, and the summary of this game calls her a mean girl. Though this meanness of hers betrays a certain amount of care and worry for her group, or, at least they like to think of it that way:

Neptune is very kind or possibly super mean and hates us. But that's okay. She's really funny.

This kindness of hers comes out in many ways. She's concerned for Jupiter, trying to get her to actually give a shit about herself, especially when she does so much work.

Neptune: I mean like, aren't you doing fine? Neptune: Aren't you trying harder than literally everyone else here? Neptune: You're so chill about everyone's bullshit it makes me so mad and then you won't extend even the slightest of that chill to yourself and that makes me EVEN SO MADDER. Neptune: Can't you just be a little less…good?

And wants Venus to get out of his egg, to let himself be a bit of a bitch, and stop apologizing for himself when he is doing nothing wrong.

Neptune: Wait, I got it. I dare you to not say sorry for the rest of the night. Jupiter: Oh my god. Venus: I can do that! Jupiter: …can he though? Neptune: No it's perfect. Neptune: It'll fix something annoying, and this will make everyone's life easier, and all of us win. Venus: Is it really annoying? Neptune: You shouldn't have to apologize for things you don't need to apologize for.

Neptune deeply cares about the people around her, it just comes out as harsh words and actions. She wants to make Jupiter's life a living hell so that she's forced to say that it hurts.

Neptune: People are supposed to get hurt by things. It's fucked up to not. It's not good for you.

Though, as Venus calls out, the way Neptune acts doesn't fully come from self-confidence.

Venus: ...your problem Neptune is. Venus: You think being mean is more honest. Venus: But you're just as bad as Jupiter. Venus: And me.

Neptune, like the other two, deeply hates herself. Like Jupiter she has a consistent "tell" that shows she's the devil. She throws up this black ichor-like substance. Poison really. The only thing she can say. She's a bad kid through and through.

Now, Amane is self-proclaimed annoying.

Es: Regardless of whether you’re a child or an adult… you are beyond annoying. Amane: Oh, my. I am honored by your praise. Es: As I said. Amane: (giggles)

She takes Real Pride in being, a little shit to people.

20/06/03

Fuuta: ……huh? What’s your problem? You’re just leaving all your meat? What a weird kid. Amane: You say that, but you’re not eating all of your food either. ……are you not able to eat your vegetables? Even though you’re an adult. Fuuta: Huh, what, so you’re just eating grass? What are you, a rabbit or something? Since you’re just a brat, you should be eating your meat properly. You won’t grow if you don’t. Amane: ……you make some really funny jokes, don’t you, Fuuta-san.

This behavior is mostly present in T1, mostly cause T1 is Amane's testing period. She's trying to see what she can get away with. These behaviors disappearing by T2 because she learns that she can't get away with much. Introducing us to a less playful, more angry and genuinely despairing Amane. (Of Blessedness and Punishment)

Amane: This is unforgivable! I won’t forgive you! (screams)

That isn't to say Amane doesn't genuinely want to help out though, even with her more aggressive attitude. In fact she goes out of her way to "help" Fuuta and responds to Yuno's questions and worries honestly and patiently.

(23/06/27, Amane’s Birthday)

Yuno: By the way, Amane. Have you ever wished you were never born? I’ve thankfully lived a pretty fun life so far, so haven’t really. But you seem to be struggling with something. So I kinda wondered if you thought like that. Amane: ……I don’t think that. Being born into this world is the first miracle any person experiences, and is something to celebrate. Even if after birth I was put through trial after trial, the value of that will never disappear.

Amane is kind, genuinely so. She helps the cat, she tries her best to "guide" people back to the better path. The problem is, is that her want to help gets tied up in her community and her worldview. Causing more harm than she would like, it's almost like she can only spit out doctrine when that isn't the case.

Amane: Hm. Is that so? Are the prisoners who weren’t forgiven feeling lost right now? Maybe they need our faith as well.

Outside of that, Amane is rather opinionated, she tries to keep it down but it seeps out anyway. She's expressed numerous times her frustration with being treated like a child (ie: being treated like she has no rights of her own.) And expresses that openly and bluntly.

(20/06/13)

Shidou: I…… I just don’t understand. If everything about MILGRAM is true…… why did a child like you have to become a murderer? Just imagining what sort of circumstances must have led to that, it makes me so sad…… Amane: ……*sigh*. Is that right. I don’t think I’m going to get along with you, Shidou-san.I don’t agree with the fact you refuse to acknowledge that I have my own free will, and that I should be held accountable for my actions, just because I’m a child. I may have only been alive for 12 years, but all the choices I’ve made, even if they weren’t the best ones, were entirely my own. What point is there in you getting sad when I have no regrets myself?

It's easy to call her annoying or petulant for this, especially when Shidou (seemingly) is just concerned for how how a child is in prison of murders. And again she Does act annoying on purpose.

But Shidou is being actively patronizing and forcing his view of Amane Onto her. When Amane rebukes this, instead of apologizing or reevaluating he dismisses what she says. Something that deeply frustrates her.

Neptune: I'm an evil bad slut right? I'm a bitch and a flirt. Neptune: I'm a bitch because I let people know when they walk over me. Neptune: I'm a flirt because boys keep talking at me. Neptune: And this is somehow my problem, because they can't get over themselves and leave me alone? Neptune: How is that fair? Why should I get hurt by that? It makes me so mad! Neptune: Why would I be anything but MAD about all this stupid obnoxious BULLSHIT.

You’re sorry? I don’t care! Please, go ahead and die already Remember MY cries, MY repents, MY words of “I’m sorry” that I said to you?

Amane cares a lot about being treated Properly, about the people around her being treated Properly. She can't really...accept injustice. She broke one of her cult's doctrines because she wanted wrap up what was probably a Small Wound at worst judging by the state of the cat. She's not going to waver just because the people around her believe otherwise.

Amane: ……I’m fine. I don’t know what you’ve done or what it is you’re worried about, but I think if there’s something you believe in, you should stay true to it. It’s not something that should waver just because other people said something. I personally don’t plan on changing my own beliefs even if I’m told I’m wrong either……

Amane believes in the idea that people can get better, and wants to see people get better even if she can't. She's going to help even if she has to be Violent to do so.

Neptune: You asked me to come out. So I'm coming out. The door opens and it's her but it's not her She grabs Venus and crushes him against the wall like he's a little doll.

Amane: Don’t you think it’s a good opportunity to be reborn? If, right now, you could shake off those around you trying to drag you down to depravity, and could change––

When Neptune's the devil she forcibly tries to turn the other two kids into the devil alongside with her. She knows this whole situation is a nightmare and wants to force the two into accepting who they really are, even if it meant hurting them.

Why should they be the ones to suffer when their trying so hard to be good? Why should they be suffering when they already ARE good?

Neptune: Doesn't it feel unfair? You're already good, so why do you have to try so hard to be good? It makes me mad. They want you to prove you're good. But you're already so good. What is that? Why do they do that?

We must not give into them, they are the ones that should be judged

Why does She need to prove that she's righteous when the people around her can break the same rules she does and get away with no consequences?

I don’t need it any more, if you’re going to break your vow Here and now, it’s my turn to tear you apart

It's just so Unfair. Why is she the one getting hurt for no good reason? Why was the cat the one who got hurt for something that wasn't even its fault? It's just not right. None of this is right.

Neptune: Does that kid look happy to you? Well I guess we have different opinions and you will have to stop me from making him into what he is trying very hard not to be.

Help Me God, I'm In Love

We have one more kid to go through.

Venus is known for being very much a doormat, and very easy to push around. A small detail when their sitting down to listen to the Bonfire Captain's story is that Venus tries his best not to take up space.

Venus sits with his legs crossed, taking up as little space as he can, which is at most not very much.

And As mentioned before he constantly apologizes for himself, even when it isn't even his fault. That dare Neptune gives him? He immdieatly fails it, the sorry is an instinct, he does it automatically.

Though even then, Venus is known to be...a bit of a little shit. Maybe even quite Mean. He has a bite to his words and can be extremely judgemental. Not that he seems to notice .

Jupiter: Do you think he notices how much of a jerk he is sometimes? Neptune: I wish.

Amane: An arts university, though…… Does that mean you’re good at drawing, then? It may be a bit rude to say, but that’s rather unexpected.

(I Love how Amane implies that she thought Mikoto was too boring to be an artist. Incredible.)

Not only that but he's strongly opinionated, often surprising the people around him with them and how pointed and critical he can be. The people around him being so used to how shy and docile he seems.

Jupiter: Why not you. You're safe. You're like a puppy. You're harmless. Venus: …did you lose your nerve? Jupiter: Except when you talk.

He doesn't mean to be mean on purpose, he doesn't even like being mean, but it just comes out of him. He can't stop himself. He's so angry and bitter about certain things that his real feelings bleed out of him.

Neptune: Wow Venus I'm ALMOST impressed. Neptune: You are, deep down, kind of a little shit. Venus: I didn't mean it in a mean way. I wasn't teasing. Neptune: That's so much worse, Venus. Venus: I guess I just don't get it? Venus: I don't like being mean and I don't want to be mean so I try really hard not to be mean. Venus: I don't get any of the 'just kidding' because it's not just kidding.

But Venus is easy to pick on, he smiles weirdly, he tries his best to avoid causing too much conflict, and the idea that Venus is "not like the other boys" get floated around pretty early depending on what interactions you chose, and Jupiter and Neptune discuss this their 10AM interaction:

Neptune: Are you seriously worried about him? Jupiter: Maybe. A little. Jupiter: He's weird. Not in a bad way, necessarily? Jupiter: But maybe in a bad way, possibly. Jupiter: Sometimes I don't even know what he is.

Jackalope: That isn’t even really Amane Momose anymore. You’ve awakened something much bigger.

There's something....different about Venus, like Jupiter and Neptune before him. Everyone can tell, and thus treats him differently for it but he's just not exactly sure what that...Is.

And it's so Frustrating.

Venus: …I don't know what's wrong with me.

Venus: But I can't. Not when it comes to this. Jupiter: What is "this"? Venus: Whatever they want out of me that's not fixing radios. Venus: To be tougher? To grow up? To-what's that?

He's jealous, so deeply jealous of Jupiter and Neptune and he doesn't even know why.

Venus: I'm mad about a lot of things I guess. Jupiter: Liar Jupiter: You're not mad. Jupiter: You're jealous. Jupiter: Why are you so jealous. Jupiter: It's flattering. But it's weird. Venus: I don't know.

Muu: ……hey, are you listening to me? What are you staring at……? Amane: I’m not staring at anything. Muu: Liar, you definitely are……

Amane: ……cake……

He wants...something from them, he doesn't know what but it's something important to him. Something that would make him feel like he's himself and not...whatever he is. It's not even like he necessarily minds being different. He doesn't even think he can be anything else.

Venus: I know I'm bad at getting anyone to like me and I'm weird and everyone else can deal even though I can't, but I can't. Venus: I'm just going to be like this. I'm not going to be any different. Jupiter: You're asking to get beat up. Venus: I don't care.

T2Q20: How do you feel about you not being like everyone else? A: Nevertheless I was born as myself, so I'm happy.

This deep want appears in Everything he does. Everything he does is to somehow get that Thing he Wants the Most. He can attribute it to something else but everyone can tell he wants Something.

Neptune: Venus, your problem is that you are very nice. But you want something. And you think being nice is going to give it to you. But it never will. And until you figure out what it is you want. Every kindness of yours will be full of that want.

Amane: Ah, I am looking forward to it! Seeing whether your judgement will align with that of these higher standards! If that is the case, maybe Milgram would be the right world for us to live in, rather than the outside world!

Milgram relies on your judgement, isn’t that right? In that case, you could become the mediator for a far more righteous world!!

That isn't to say he Isn't afraid of being found out. Of having the kind of person he is being revealed. In a game of truth or dare he chooses dare because:

Venus: I mean, it's kinda like Jupiter said? Truth is embarrassing and dares could get you hurt. Getting hurt is way less scary.

But then the contradiction of this gets pointed out to him, people can be embarrassing with dares as well. It's easy to hurt and embarrass someone.

I've already mentioned that Amane hides...a lot, she tends to talk around things and use double meanings and what not. But she also doesn't want to seem frivolous or wasteful. She wants to stay seeming mature and smart and pure. Being immature is dangerous to her, another reason for people to view her as useless and weak. Another reason to get hurt.

She isn't that. She can prove it. She's not greedy or materialistic.

Venus: I don't want to be strong. I don't want to be that sort of person at all.

She doesn't want anything.

Venus: I want them within me and without me. All through and about me. I want feathers in my lungs and eyes on my skin. I want my heart to see and my lungs to fly.

Nothing at all.

T1Q17: What would you do if the world ends tomorrow? If everything ends? Then, I might do all sorts of things I have never done before.

This is when I reveal Venus is Trans.

Venus is Trans! She uses She/Her, I've been using He/Him for her previously to reveal she's trans like how the VN reveals she's trans.

Venus wants to reveal the truth, to be seen as she is, to have:

That wing to see the truth and that eye to lay it bare.

She wants to be honest and live as herself. To really Be Her. When she becomes the devil she says it's nobody's fault but hers. She wants this. She wants this so much.

She's not doing it cause she was forced or coerced she did it cause she Wanted To. She wanted to do it so badly. She does it with such glee it's honestly terrifying. She killed out of hate and duty and Enjoyed It.

The devil is lonely. We kicked out the devil and it must miss us. It keeps begging to be let back, to let it in.

And Amane Did.

Smoke and Honey

Amane Momose is undeniably monster-coded.

Jackalope: That isn’t even really Amane Momose anymore. You’ve awakened something much bigger.

Amane: Right now, I am both Amane Momose and I am not. I am speaking on behalf of our faith.

Amane: Yes. It is only natural for a person(/human) to apologize to another for breaking a promise. Es: … Amane: Why are you looking so doubtful? Are you not human?

This happy pinky promise hurts to break

There's so much to discuss that if I did do it in detail we would get so set off track very badly, but Amane Momose is Other. She's the Other, she's not human. She's never Been Human. Atleast not by the standards of her cult.

In the Milgram Cat Symbolism, Cats has been highly associated with sin. Yuno portrays her cat self as the most honest but also sinful version of herself. Kazui does the same. Amane being the cat, implicates her as a sinful force in the world. Something dangerous and terrifying that needs to be destroyed.

Amane Momose, somehow, is a threat to normal human existence (at least in the existence of the cult.) She's too opinionated, too dedicated, too Bad of a kid. Having her exist at all as she is, is a threat. She doesn't Want to stop being herself, she's supposed to want to stop. Humans aren't supposed to act like she acts. What if that stubbornness was directed at something against the cult?

Adults also hate perfect kids who love the world so much they can't stop themselves from saving it.

We Need to Destory The Devil No Matter What or Who it is. To choose someone to act as the scapegoat, the worst girl, the one kid too weird, too strange, too threatening.

What does Amane do? She's already a liability, just a child, useless and unhelpful. What if she was destructive? Better to teach her now to be better, right?

It's not like she isn't destructive, it's true. She does harm. Horrible harm actually. I completely understand wanting to restrain her for those reasons.

But, she had One Moment, and it was ripped away from her.

Jupiter: If I taste what it's like, I know, there's no way I'll be happy being human ever again.

I Wonder what else is left for her now.

[vvizardz]

I'm a self-taught artist working from home and I do not think myself over others but I do think a lot of other tts artists recreate the style in a sort of empty way. I'm not talking about newer artists I'm talking about those who have been doing it for a WHILE. Like it really needs some sort of energy to make it there and too many are so agonizingly close to the finish line but can't or choose to not make it because they're popular enough already so why bother. I really wish they would because it would be so much more beautiful and meaningful to themselves, the characters and especially OCs people are trying to portray.

Personally, I see a lot of like webpage bio feeling art ( which isn't a horrible thing ) rather than something that could feel like a true frame from a sequence of events where I can feel personality and emotion even in the most basic of situations. Lines too straight edged, faces with minimal expression no matter what, limited or no use of dynamic posing in favor of plainly facing the viewer for clarity n simplicity, contact that seems to have no weight or layering with other objects and characters, same face akin to Raps, no variations in body types, racial features ignored or never used, shapes not explored and pushed, etc. Which in my opinion is very unfortunate because a lot of these people seem to have a wonderful grasp on the style and make amazing designs but man that puppet isn't alive at all to me. The clothes can look amazing, but there is such a non spark about too many pieces that make me so disinterested and unable to understand. I feel terrible when it's about OCs too. Call me narcissistic, an asshole, whatever, but I'm not harming anyone and I never comment rudely or even give unsolicited criticism by name/to the source. If anything, I really do want more artists to grow because DUH I've been there and growth feels so good. Don't let yourself stagnate. Keep creating.



[not-that-blog]

I'm stubborn, angry, hurt and very heartbroken so the diary style posts will be continuing for a while.

Especially because irl I can't complain or work this stuff out without accidentally creating fucked up consequences for one of both of us and neither of us deserve to be punished socially for trying to heal from an amicable breakup that was just human flaws meets human nature and shit just ends.

Not dramatically or easily, but enough that it's an end and that hurts.

Anyway this is one of those dramatic diary style posts.

I have become stubbornly self care obsessed a little.

Learning how to love my body when I have hated it for two deca because I wasn't the 'beautiful child' to anyone and that was exploited by a child predator.

So I am now an adult working through trauma and trying to tell myself that every part of me is loveable just by existence.

And the parts of me that are hard to love are probably not what people expect.

I have no issues with the stretch marks or the scars (bio oil was amazing for the few faint self harm scars I had left and most people, let alone the people who've seen me naked in the last handful of years will never know where or what scars I once inflicted. I personally can see the slight discolouration in my skin, but no one else has ever seen or commented on it) and I have no issue with my stomach or thighs and the dysphoria from my boobs is minimal.

My actual self image issues are like my ass or the way my neck is floppy when I have seizures and that my joints never really fit in place and that I have anxiety about if I can see my ribcage because that was such a thing on eating disorder forums that the fear or seeing my own bones is real and the idea of someone tracing my collarbones and 'dipping their tongue into that well' makes me feel sick and weirded out (if you know the posts, you know what I mean).

And like; I don't actively think of those things often anymore. Usually just in mild rage or laughing at how we romanticised something so fucked up because accepting that we were dying an ugly and painful death was way too traumatic and we painted it as something else and were way to gothic romantic about it. I can't think of a worse way to die for honour, because it was sickening what we did to ourselves.

Being afraid of numbers and food, upping our mathematical ability while killing the brain cells needed to do it. Hiding secrets like we were doing something right for it, cheering each other on by tearing each other's bodies apart with insults and yelling praises at every bone and thigh gap.

White panties with pokadot hearts in red and a red ribbon, laying down and breathing in and feeling hip bones…

I didn't consider myself recovered until I had a layer of fat over every bone I had sent photos of in proana kiks; my hips especially.

And I am now obsessed with my oral hygiene for my own health and wellbeing, not to try and hide the effects of when my ed slipped into the other side and binge-purge became a thing.

And then just cycling between eating disorders for years.

And now I have a lot of fucked up health problems and a heartbreak that isn't being met by starvation but by actual looking after myself and trying not to hate my own guts.

It's kinda weird when self harm isn't your first instinct anymore. But it's kinda nice to when it starts to feel less familiar and less like home.

It's always there; but it's not the road most travelled anymore and choosing it wouldn't feel like strength it would feel like the ultimate failure.

It didn't feel like that at 16.

At 16 it felt like this fucked up hope.

Hope someone would love me, but not want me, that I would be so boring to fuck that no one would want to. I would be nothing.

And now as an adult, I don't care who wants to fuck me or why. I care about having a body that might actually function. I care about living past 35 and making a sustainable and loved life.

That's it. I just want to love life.

[doberbutts]

This. This! Exactly!

Please! Talk about how people who do not share your needs treat you poorly! It is an important conversation that we need to have in order to hold each other accountable!

But please do so *without* playing into other harmful mindsets and furthering other harmful statements.

The idea that sensory needs are about "comfort" and not about accessibility itself is harmful. It downplays the very real danger to those who have high sensory needs. Have we forgotten that Pokemon episode that gave all those little kids seizures? Bright, flashing lights are a known problem for people with TBIs and epilepsy! Just because we share that need with people that are seen as "less" disabled does not meant (general) you can just claim it's all about comfort. Being concerned that entering a building is going to provoke a life-threatening seizure IS a sensory need and also IS an accessibility concern.

I have a TBI! I have damaged ligaments in one of my eyes! I went grocery shopping today- once again the building is wheelchair accessible and I've proved it by entering while in a wheelchair when my knee was too fucked to walk on. Guess who has a splitting headache and feels feverish and dizzy and my eye is bulging out of my head and hurts so much that I had to create a makeshift eyepatch to get any relief because Grocery Stores Are Hell but also I needed to buy food. This is an access problem! I have to hurt myself in order to feed myself! I've been hiding in the dark for hours with very minimal improvement!

When people downplay sensory needs to dunk on ADDers, it hurts people like me who *also cannot go into these buildings*. Yes, my legs (usually) work well enough to place me inside of the building. But can I finish what I set out to do inside and will my body heavily punish me for it afterwards? Is it reallly accessible if I'm on one heck of a timer and if the buzzer goes off I'm incapable of speech and can't hold anything with my dominant hand and become a shivering shakey mess about to have a Very Loud Meltdown in a public place because it's Too Much Too Loud Too Bright Too Much Too Much Too Much and also I'm probably going to vomit and pass out and take a nice ambulance ride against my will that I get to pay out the nose for? Because like. That's literally happened. Before I understood my new limitations I would bang my head against this wall not understanding what was happening to me. Standing in the middle of the produce aisle never caused so much distress before. Why is it doing it now???

(general) You are hurting those you claim to want to protect. And you are hurting those that are already being hurt and abandoned by society. Who are you helping? This isn't a conversation anymore. You're just being needlessly cruel and covering that cruelty with excuses for why you feel it's okay to say those things.

My sensory needs are not about my comfort. My sensory needs are what I NEED in order to fucking survive. Over 30% of TBI survivors try to kill themselves and I have been through that specific hell and come out the other side with a stark understanding of just how aggressive this world is to people with brain damage and just how hard adjusting to the new person you become really is.

When (general) you spit in contempt at people with ADD complaining about something being distracting, you also hit the person with actual physical damage in their brain. Like it or not, we're more connected than you realize.

I don't support everything he has ever said, but you should understand that this is coming from decades of abuse. Cripple course didn't start this year. Or the last. MIABs have been sending us death threats for a very, very long time. They literally stole our terms, closed their communities to us, and demanded we thank them for it. They called my friends ableist for wanting our own spaces and drove them to suicide. Let me ask you this. How many PD only spaces have you found? Compared to the numerous MI only, or even Autistic Only spaces?

Is one angry cripple really the bad guy?

I gotta tell you in 30 years on this earth never once have I thought that any of the various things wrong with me were properly accomodated unless I was specifically in a space that was intentionally curated to accomodate my specific needs. Including in so-called "disability-friendly" spaces. Sometimes it was the neurological. Sometimes it was the physical. Sometimes it was the mental. But without shaping my life around my needs, I was never really supported.

And for the record I don't love labelling folks as acronyms. It always seems somewhat combattive to me.

But I'm seeing some pretty bad takes on my dash, including "people with such severe sensory issues that sensory devices don't help them are rare and don't really go on the internet" (um. Hi?) and "at least you can get in the door" (yes I can physically move my body to go in the building but then I will vomit everywhere and pass out on the floor in minutes and that means there's accomodations that are lacking here) and "neurodivergent people are always coddled" (lmao yes I was literally beaten by my second grade teacher for having add symptoms in class but go off I guess).

Maybe it's because I was raised by a disabled man who was born in a time where the world was so hostile to disability that he didn't even know he was deaf until he was in his 20s, he just thought he was genuinely stupid because he interpreted it as "can't understand" instead of "can't hear". Because I was raised by his wife who specialized in teaching disabled children. Because I was born with multiple disabilities and from a young age was taught to fight for my rights and advocate for myself.

But, honestly? I think attacking other disabled people is wrong. Shouldn't really come as a surprise considering I say this about everything else 🤷‍♂️ there are some otherwise able-bodied neurodivergent people who are shitheads to both the severely mentally ill and also to physically disabled people. There are some mentally ill people who are shitheads to neurodivergent and physically disabled people. There are physically disabled people who are shitheads to neurodivergent and mentally ill people. But here's the thing.

I just think they're all shitheads.

[sandificatedman]

DESPAIR X READER. DESPAIR X READER PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!!

HI OMG THIS TOOK,, LITERAL AGES IT WAS SUCH A BUSY WEEK SDMSND. Also this got SO LONG I'M SORRY-

OK THIS IS JUST GONNA BE A BUNCH OF MISC IDEAS. NO SPECIFIC PLOT OR THOUGHTLINE BC. I COULDN’T NARROW DOWN TO ONE CONCEPT I WANTED TO COVER-

You know she’s gonna be CHIN deep in denial until she’s forced to accept that she’s fallen for you.

She has a self-imposed rule to try to avoid getting attached to mortals. Meddling, sure. She adores meddling in human affairs, but getting attached creates a whole different series of problems.

There’s just,, not a good track record of relations between humans and Endless going well. I like to think she’s maybe 60% more self aware than her siblings SMDSMDNM yknow?

EMPHASIS ON 'TRY'

it's not like she meant for it to happen, for Nightmother's sake! She was just having a little peek at you, and,, you just looked so delicate. And she is meant to observe, isn't she? So what was the harm in observing you a little longer than most!

... Yeah you can see where this is going MSDNMSND One thing lead to another, and before she knew it she could barely focus on her responsibilities without missing your sweet face.

AND SHE FEELS SILLY FOR IT!! She's embarrassed of herself!! What is this nonsense, she isn't her sibling(s)!! Why is she fawning after a mortal, and worse, why does she adore doing it?

SHE DOESN'T CREEP FOR TOO LONG. Mostly because Desire won't let her. Sue them, they want their twin to be happy, and all her yearning is frankly,, a bit pathetic MSDMS

She'd never admit it aloud, but she's,,, a little petrified of making a bad impression? It's not like most mortal's are partial to,,, well,,, her.

IF THE FIRST INTERACTIONS GO WELL???? IF Y'ALL END UP,,,, BECOMING A PROPER THING???

You are almost definitely getting swept up into her realm sorry

JUST FOR A LITTLE BIT AT THE START, WHILE SHE WORKS OUT THE KINKS-

You think she’s taking any chances??

She had to witness her sibling’s various lovers get their lives (and,, bodies) turned inside out in innumerable ways. She knows, herself, that The Endless are far from being invincible.

Respectfully, lovingly, she’s not letting you out of her sight until she’s made it exceptionally clear to all relevant entities (siblings, elder gods, assorted mythical entities) exactly what the consequences will be if they try to harm you.

Thankfully,,, not many people are willing to go toe-to-toe with the literal architect of all Despair. so. that's a bonus MSNDMS

Is this necessarily going to 100% keep you from harm's way? No. Frankly, she could put you in a jar on her shelf, and that still wouldn’t keep you perfectly safe. It’s at least gonna to provide enough reassurance to not,, idk feel the need to Loom over your shoulder 24/7. It's mostly just for peace of mind.

and,, um,,

(don’t worry, she isn’t like her brother (derogatory but loving. Morpheus, go to therapy my love), if at any point you’re genuinely unhappy with your relationship she’ll know before you, and will retract from your life with,, relatively minimal fuss.)

(It’s also VERY possible she’ll leave with you with a boon of some sort, for your trouble, most likely her continued protection and/or exemption from her influence)

YOU’VE BASICALLY GOT YOURSELF A VERY CREEPY GUARDIAN ANGEL NOW HAVE FUNNNN SMDNSMN

Her primary role is as an observer, and she’s absolutely going to utilize this. She checks in on you as often as she can and just,, watches you go about your day-to-day life.

At first you have no idea when she’s got her eyes on you, but as time goes you begin to pick up on the Sensation (™) of her gaze?

It’s not just ‘feeling eyes on your back’, though that is a part of it.

It’s more,, like when you step outside early in the morning, and it’s super foggy out? Where every breath feels cold and damp, you can feel dew on your skin. It feels like her realm is seeping into wherever you are.

Sometimes you just,, absentmindedly lean your head and bonk your head on the wall, forgetting she is infact not sitting beside you MSNDSMN

At first it felt a little,, uncanny?? But now it’s become super comforting!! Like stepping outside for a breath of fresh air <333

it's,, kinda sweet,,, knowing that this cosmic entity is,, taking time out of her day to just,, keep an eye on you. wow <3333

I've. left out a billion things but this is already so long and rambly. Despair I love you I love you I love you I love you. mouah.

[xiyao-feels]

Finally got around to writing down some thoughts on the differences between Empathy and the original—per scene and then a general reflection.

Episode 10

(episode 10 differences)

Going through this chronologically, our first comparison is the captain encounter. Honestly I think NMJ was straight-up inventing most of this—even aside from the sheer absurdity of MY, what, smuggling XY out of prison, bringing him into the middle of everything (he runs into the Captain and friend AND WWX!), XY…just going back into prison…well, anyway, putting all that aside—the Captain's questions here seem like NMJ's preoccupations, not the Captain's. The Captain is hugely contemptuous of MY, but he's not, like, obsessed with his innermost heart, you know? "You're lying! I just saw that. You were talking. Tell me honestly. What's your ulterior motive?"—that's NMJ, not the Captain at all. Plus there's the way the Captain grabs MY basically the exact same way NMJ does. 

Next up there's MY telling NHS he's going to go check on XY—minor phrasing differences aside, one thing that's interesting is we don't get all of MY's reaction/decision before he tells NHS in Empathy, just the tail end:

Ahhhh, now, the bit where NMJ sees MY stab the captain! You can see here the beginning of a pattern of Empathy erasing the Wen. MY throwing himself in front of the blade to save NMJ is removed, of course, but so is NMJ fighting WZL, as he was before going to the prison in episode 10; in the Empathy he's just kind of standing there. And then sees MY, uh, creepily pick up a sword??? And follows him??? Instead of hearing that XY's escaped and running to the prison because of that, which is of course what happened in episode 10. (So XY is erased some in this scene, too; even when it comes to MY's excuses, he says It wasn't me, but we don't get to 'Xue Yang killed him', as we do in the original.)

Some other points of interest here… Of course the expression NMJ sees on MY as MY kills the captain is only shown in Empathy. Interestingly, also, while MY is quite clearly terrified at NMJ's approach in both, in episode 10 it's presented immediately, while in the Empathy he has a beat before he starts reacting that way.

The last scene—NMJ confronting MY and kicking him out of Qinghe. In the Empathy, we start with MY having been thrown onto the floor, rolling—but this isn't there in episode 10, and to be honest I think it probably didn't actually happen. First, while I can see NMJ throwing MY onto the floor, I don't actually think he'd throw him quite that hard at this point in time? And it's also got a lot of visual echoes of JGY rolling down the stairs; I think he's projecting backwards. Of course, it still takes MY longer to recover in episode 10; Empathy consistently minimizes the physical harm done to MY.

So the conversation is interesting because it's really just two different conversations in the Empathy vs episode 10. In episode 10, MY leads with the Captain's abuse of him, and he's clear that it's habitual, ongoing, long-term. In Empathy, he leads with the Captain releasing XY, /adds in/ that the Captain wanted to kill him (that's not there in episode 10!), and absolutely skips over and minimizes the abuse: the beatings aren't mentioned, the credit-stealing isn't mentioned, the insulting and humiliating… even the 'Every time' is removed from before the 'he humiliated my mother', making it seem like this was a one-off provocation instead of habitual. NMJ's somewhat unhinged rant about MY's motives, including the would you have killed everyone at the cave if I hadn't helped you, is also Empathy-only (and then when MY starts to reply NMJ is like, Don't lie to me! and MY shuts up, suggesting perhaps that a denial would have been lying, which may be part of why people think this is a remotely reasonable assertion).

Some other interesting things—in episode 10, we see NMJ lift his sabre and then lower it, unable to go through with it; in Empathy, we don't see that at all—in general I think there's less of a sense that he's struggling with his decision, in Empathy, it's more just like He Is Doing The Righteous Justice. Fascinatingly we also don't see him put Baxia away in Empathy—I think he must because we see a scene where he already had, in episode 10, but we don't actually see it. We also don't see MY, injured, get up and thank NMJ and walk out, or indeed NMJ's conflicted gaze after him; the scene cuts off too soon.

Episode 22

(episode 22 differences)

There's only one scene for episode 22: the WRH, NMJ, and MY scene, inside Sun Palace. Right off the bat, we have the Wen erasure again; the episode 22 scene starts with WRH directly addressing NMJ and tormenting him and his Nie cultivators, whereas the Empathy one only starts when MY walks in. (Although interestingly MY addresses WRH as xiandu, while he doesn't seem to say anything with his bow in episode 22).

This one is an interesting scene because there's relatively little overlap? In the episode 10 scenes, you mostly saw different versions of the same events; in this one there's some of that, but there are also large chunks of time that are only in episode 22 or only in Empathy. Most of the MY-interacting-with-NMJ is only in Empathy, including, yes, the damn sabre touch. But we do have the beginning of MY talking to NMJ in both. MY's expression is different in Episode 22 vs Empathy—it's a little hard to capture in a still, but it's a lot more, mmm, simpering-mockery in the Empathy version?

Ah, one detail that's interesting—so, in CQL—which is to say in Empathy because we don't see this sequence at all in Episode 22—when that Nie cultivator calls the place 'a den of Wen' he uses 温/温氏, for Wen, and then when people are insulting MY in this scene they're using 走狗. But in MDZS all of those are actually 温狗, Wen-dog. Which is definitely more directly disrespectful to WRH than the 走狗 insults, but I feel like in general CQL doesn't use 温狗 a lot, while in MDZS it's all over the place—so while it's an interesting detail I'm not sure it's suggestive for Empathy in particular. Hmmm.

We return to things being shown in both Empathy and Episode 22 with NMJ shoving MY back. In Empathy, we only see MY stagger a little, while in episode 22 it's quite considerable—again, Empathy's tendency to minimize the physical damage MY suffers.

And then MY kicks NMJ in return! Okay this is actually fascinating, because in Empathy, it looks like this totally wipes NMJ out, and the scene stops here. But that isn't at all what happened! He's knocked onto his back, yes, BUT he recovers and comes up and shoves MY hard enough he goes flying: 

He gets up and goes to attack MY, and would probably have killed him if WRH hadn't interfered. Which, don't get me wrong, is entirely reasonable of him given his understanding of the situation but it is not at all the impression you'd get from Empathy. If anything NMJ's collapse in the Empathy after MY kicks him looks like the collapse he has after WRH finishes with him, in episode 22. And MY saying How dare you be so rude in front of Clan Leader Wen when he kicks NMJ is also removed—the whole sequence here is really another example of the removal of the Wen from the Empathy scenes. 

Incidentally, MY didn't actually kill all the Nie cultivators, in this scene. If you look while MY is flying back, at least one of them is still alive:

And then you can see all four are dead while NMJ's attacking WRH:

But MY has been on the floor recovering from NMJ's attack, so he definitely didn't kill the at least one and quite probably two who are still alive.

WRH asks MY if NMJ killed Wen Xu question; you have MY staying quite noticeably silent, which I think is still meant to be understood as MY saving NMJ's life. I guess they changed it because the MDZS version really doesn't work with the flow of events as happens in CQL? For the record, in MDZS MY answers yes, but then immediately suggests that they torture him instead of killing him immediately, and then once WRH isn't set on killing him immediately, kills WRH on the spot and starts lugging NMJ's unconscious body out of there. So there's no WWX for distraction, and Sunshot's army definitely isn't right outside, there's only LXC he sent a message to and who hasn't quite shown up yet—so in MDZS he's taking a bigger risk, and more unambiguously saving NMJ's life and winning them the war. Which is not, to be clear, to in any way minimize CQL MY's astonishing bravery and achievements.

Episode 23

(episode 23 differences)

So in both we start with LXC holding NMJ and looking down at him. In episode 23, when NMJ sees MY, we see LXC see and notice his reaction and /then/ look over at MY in concern, whereas in Empathy we don't get that moment—it just goes to both of them looking at MY.

NMJ demands his sabre back, and in both MY complies, though in the Empathy one he takes a beat longer and looks more worried about it. In the original, MY also has "Let me explain" which is dropped from the Empathy.

In both we have NMJ attacking MY with Baxia, and trying to get past Shuoyue—in the Empathy it's a bit shorter, though, and we also lose LXC asking NMJ what he's doing this for. I think that goes with cutting LXC seeing NMJ react before he looks over at MY, above; the effect is to make NMJ's response seem more obvious/natural, when in fact LXC is pretty baffled by it at the time.

"he became the Wen's underling and had been helping the tyrant at Nevernight!"—the language on 'became the Wen's underling' is actually different in episode 23 vs Empathy. In episode 23, you have 原来投靠了温氏; in Empathy, though, it's 原来是做了走狗. Note the 走狗 as earlier!

Okay, and now the big one: LXC giving NMJ reasons they should trust MY/not kill him. Empathy cuts most of this. It keeps that MY is the one who sent the map, but it drops: that the reason LXC is here today is because MY sent him a message; that MY was the one who schemed to get WRH's guard down, and then /killed him/; that MY was the one who saved LXC's life after CR burned; and that MY independently approached WRH to spy on him and has been sending LXC letters the whole time. /That's really not trivial. That's a lot to cut./

I wonder if this has any relation to the common idea that LXC did not in fact have a lot of very good reasons to trust JGY.

(Incidentally it's after the MY killed WRH reveal, in episode 23, that NMJ lowers his blade.)

...also. so. In episode 23 LXC asks MY, you know, didn't he already tell NMJ about all this (a question which makes a lot more sense in MDZS, where NMJ has already woken up before LXC joins them, but I just run with it), and MY says, you saw it ZWJ, even if I had he wouldn't have believed me. And NMJ—again it's kind of hard to capture in a still, but he pretty much reacts like he thinks that's ridiculous and MY is just making excuses/being manipulative?

And then of course that gets erased from the Empathy, as well as as just mentioned most of the reasons LXC actually gave. So. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Oh, this also means it cuts what I'm pretty sure is the first on-screen use of A-Yao—it does show up later in the Empathy version of this scene, so I don't think that's hugely significant, but just as a note.

Then there's MY kneeling in preparation for apology, which is in both Empathy and episode 23. The Empathy cuts make it seem like he kneels pretty much right after NMJ lowers his blade, though, and we don't get to see him making the deliberate choice to step out if LXC's protection to kneel—again, I think it makes LXC seem more understanding of NMJ than he actually is here.

The apology proper is only in Empathy; honestly it mostly seems fairly reasonable to me, although it does mean you only hear LXC saying "But I believe, when he was doing such things, deep in his heart he must have been…" after the version that cuts most of his reasons for believing that. In terms of actual changes, I wonder if LXC reacted more quickly/strongly to the bit where it looks like NMJ is actually going to kill MY? It's definitely more understated than his previous reactions, and it would fit with the other changes made.

Last scene: the oath. At this point I think it's fairly well-known that NMJ looking at JGY, and LXC turning his head to look at them both, is only in Empathy—there's also, maybe?, a small change to the text; in episode 23, "Both God and people will be furious with us" is 天人共怒, but in Empathy it's 天人共戮. I say maybe because—on the one hand, the subs definitely use a different character, and it's in both the YT subs and the Netflix subs even though those aren't always 100% identical, but while I'm not usually checking the audio for this I did here because it's just the one character and the audio pretty much sounds the same to me? (ep 23) (Empathy) Could just be my ear, or a mistake on the subs' part or the audio part, who knows.

Overview

Looking at all the changes together, a few patterns emerge.

First, people who are doing damage who aren't JGY—the Wen, XY—tend to get minimized or erased from the narrative. Similarly and to some extent as a result, the harm caused by JGY is exaggerated; also similarly, the good that JGY does is also minimized or erased. Meanwhile, the damage done /to/ JGY is minimized—both the environment of abuse he suffered at Qinghe, and the physical harm done to him, which he usually recovers from much more quickly in Empathy (even when the attack itself is made stronger as, unusually, it is in the confrontation where NMJ kicks MY out of Qinghe). Finally MY is made more manipulative than he necessarily is; while I'm not saying he's never being manipulative, NMJ understands his expressions of weakness as /purely/ manipulative and inherently false, when in fact the weakness MY expresses is very real, however calculated, or not!, its expression may be.

Honestly—in this JGY who does way more harm and way less good than he actually does, who is more powerful and experiences less damage than he actually does, who is never actually weak but only acting that way to manipulate people? I feel like I'm seeing a lot of where popular takes on JGY come from.

[guigz1-coldwar]

'Focus on one' : New chapter for "Redemption in a Spirit in a Cold War" is out !

"Focus on one"

Chapter Summary : Bell has recovered from her wounds and is ready with Park to their next mission.....

To read it on AO3, click here !

Words : +3500

Warning : little NSFW content !

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I was finally happy to see Park back to the safehouse after we saved her from Perseus but my mind were going crazy will all the revelations that I've been facing just in one night : How I wasn't able to see that I was with Freya in a romantic relationship right under Perseus's nose ? I could have say that it was obvious and that I should have seen this coming but no, I was never thinking of that one simple second since I had my first memory back where she's present. It was obvious....and I didn't think of it.

My relation with Park.....is the only thing right now I can count on, I really love her to the bones. I have put my life in order to save hers and now, I'm still convinced that my love for her is so real. Freya....I don't know if I can save her but if I can, I had to explain her everything that happened to me three years ago and frankly, my old relationship with her....I don't think that it can't be enabled again. I still feel that link between me & her but I realize that love isn't a part of it anymore.

After I was able to see Park again after that night, the others finally agreed to put me with her as we can finally rest together and hopefully, no one has discovered about our relationship because and somehow, it was Adler himself who covered for us and we asked to him in private why he did this, he explained that he was suddenly feeling bad for what he did and to excuse himself about the numerous degrading words that he used to describe us and our relationship. I accept those ones but he know well that he can't be excused on the other big things that happened to me.

In terms of resting, we have spent 6 days in bed as I was also moving sometimes to get something as Park was still having her leg hurt and wrapped around a bandage. For me, it was my voice that was needing to rest so for myself, I had to not raise my voice too loud and talking too much as explained by the others because I could break it in no time if I did that and I didn't wanted to do it....meaning that I didn't talked to Park too much but at least, I was near her in case one of us had a problem.

During that 6 days, I didn't have big memories but it was better touching ones : a lot of them was about having dinner with Zasha & Dedov at their appartment while accompanied along the way with Beans that was mixing between stroking itself with me or the others. Others were minimal and very short like little flashbacks....and some were part of the fake ones I had in head thanks to Adler.

Tomorrow.... the 18th of April, we were finally able to go back to work but that's means that we had to spent a last night on those beds : my voice was finally back to normal and not sounding like an robot as Park's leg was healed at 100% and a final rest wasn't going to harm us.

I was walking in the snow in the middle of the night.....in the middle of a snow blizzard and by the looks of it, I was in the Urals Mountains, dressed in a black military suit with an little backpack behind. In my hands, I was using an PPsH-41, just keeping it around in case we're jumped by something but the only thing that could jump on me was Freya that was in front of me.

She was leading the way with an flashlight in her left hand, clearing our way to the path we were taking while in her other hand, she was keeping which I suppose to be an XM4. We were advancing slowly due to the strong blizzard until Freya stopped by herself.

"There !" She said loudly, aiming her flashlight in front of her, showing to me a cabin not so far from us. "Our place to hide !" She added before she started to continue walking more faster, meaning she was freezing and me too as we had nothing to cover our heads.

"Let's go inside before we froze to death." I admitted but she didn't hear me because of the wind that was very loud. I quickly followed her as we were finally arrived in front of the cabin that was big enough for the two of us. Freya opened the door, letting me enter before she closed the door behind me. "Ooof." I breathed, fully inside and putting my hands on my knees.

"That was quite an storm we faced !" Freya exclaimed, putting her gun on a nearby table.

"It wasn't that bad against the one we had last week." I scoffed, making her laugh as I redressed myself.

"Oh, yeah, last time, we lost our way to get here because you were the one to lead the way." She added, smirking at me. I rolled my eyes at hearing that..

"Maybe because my flashlight almost ran out of batteries." I shook my head, grinning at the same time as I was putting my own gun on the same table Freya put hers.

"Instead that we argue on last week, we should get ourselves well here." She exclaimed as she was removing her bulletproof vest and her holstler "Get the fireplace ready !" She ordered as she was finished with what she was doing "I'm gonna make some coffee."

Complying to her orders, I moved to get to the fireplace, removing my own equipment on the way and putting it on the couch. I took in hands some wood, that was inside a basket, inside the fireplace. Once it was ready withour forgetting fire starter between the wood, I take a lighter and I start the fire, giving to the room more heat.

Instead of going sit on the couch, I decided to stay next to the fireplace, sitting on a carpet to have more heat on me as I was still suffering from the cold from outside. I was slowly watching the fire, legs crossed in front of me before I take in hands the necklace, having now my look on it. It was the Perseus insignia and I wasn't looking happy to see it.

"Something's wrong ?" I didn't move my head as it was Freya arriving near me with our cups of coffee in hands.

"Yes, this...is wrong !" I replied, making the necklace visible for her as she was getting sit closely to me.

"Your necklace ?" She said, fully seated, giving in my free hand, my coffee.

"It's that insignia, I hate it so much." I then put my coffee away before with my both hands, I started to separate the insignia from the necklaca and after a few seconds, I was done. "I'm not fighting for his ideas, I'm fighting for me and my friends." I then threw the insignia into the fire without any regrets as Freya watched, not doing anything to stop me.

"How you're gonna explain that to him ?" She asked, sniffing before she took a sip from her coffee.

"I have nothing to explain, that's my choice, end of the story." I affirmed, looking at the insignia inside the fireplace before I looked at Freya. "I think I want to defect to the West, Freya."

"What ?" She said, shocked as she put her coffee down before she moved to face. "Are you actually meaning what you just said ?" She wasn't angry....just confused. I nodded.

"Back to the Lubyanka, I have discovered an CIA secret project in files I was sent by someone inside of their organizations & Perseus want to use it for his own benefits." I looked at her right in the eyes "They called it Greenlight."

"Greenlight ?" She repeated

"The americans....they have put nuclear bombs under multiples European cities, Perseus want to blow them up." I responded, giving her what I saw.....Greenlight...."As I saw in those files I decrypted with Zasha, they put them because they would like to counter an red invasion in case the US can't intervene quickly." I then start to breath more loudly "We wanted to burn those files with Zed but Perseus avoided us to do that, he saw it and took those files away."

"Calm down, Yiri !" She put her hands on my face as I was starting to panick in front of her.

"He's going to murder millions of innocents and it will be our fault because we decrypted those files."  I proclaimed, on the verge of crying as Freya was trying to calm me down "Zasha is fuckin' traumatized by that and they can't have a fucking sleep without thinking of it."

"Really ?"  Freya whispered

"They called me last night before our departure for the Yamantau, they said that they were crying in their bed each night and Dedov was shocked to see them like that." I replied, saying everything I had in mind. "Because of me, I put the entirety of Western Europe in danger."  I threw myself in her arms, finally crying.

"We can still stop him, you know ?" She tried to suggest but I know inside of myself that it's impossible to do.

"We can't..." I muttered in a low voice. "As I heard, everyone on top is for using Greenlight, no one will stop him....unless I defect."

"No, you can't do that !" She exclaimed, gently pulling me away to make me look at her. "I can't let you defect to the West."

"So, come with me, we can take Zasha, their...."

"No, Yirina, we can't !" She repeated, cutting me straight in my sentence. "It's too dangerous and if we did anyways, where will we go to and what do you think will happen to us ?" She asked, causing me to close my eyes to think.

"I don't know, maybe to the MI6.....or the BND.....or the SDECE." I replied at her first part, avoiding the second part on my own will. 'Since days, I've been facing an existential crisis and I hid it to you because I didn't want to see you in pain." She then grinned a little, getting our foreheads closer.

"I don't want to see you sad." She whispered, pulling me for a reconforting kiss on the lips. "I will never tell Perseus of your thoughts while we'll try to find a solution." Finally, I let myself going free, removing my sad thoughts out of me....but I was still feeling them in a part of my body. "Let me take care of you."

She then pulled me for a longer kiss as she started to remove my jacket and then my shirt to reveal my black bra. She redressed herself to slowly unzip her own combat suit, finding out that she wasn't wearing an bra at all..

"Freya...." I started, in a very low voice, seeing her perfect body getting visible to me until she was all naked on top and then, she put her index in front of my lips.

"Ssshhhh." She gave me some kiss to my neck going down with them before with her hands, she removed her pants too, revealing my black underwear that she put aside. "It's okay..." She said to me as she was positioned between my legs before she started to slowly lick my clint and slowly, I was getting filled with arousal and lust.....

"My god....Freya !"

"Yirina !" I could feel someone moving my shoulder slowly, trying to make me woke up and that what I did very slowly as my vision wasn't perfect at all. When I opened my eys widely, I realize that it was Park herself that was trying to awake me....and also realize what I was doing in my bed, my left hand under my shirt while the other was....under my pants, stroking my crotch. I quickly move to stop myself in fear.

"Shit, shit, shit !" I started to panick as I feared that she wasn't alone until I looked around to see she was the only one around, she then put her hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry..."

"Hey, calm down." She ordered me, sitting on my bed, moving her hands to join mine.

"I had a dream : it was my fault that Perseus knew about Greenlight !" I started to said, vaguely explaining my dream, worried. "I wanted to defect, Park !"

"Really ?" I nodded "Damnit, when was that dream ?" I shrugged my shoulders, meaning that I didn't have a date but I supposed in my head that it was maybe 1 or 2 months before the events of Trabzon.

"I can't tell." I finally replied, calming myself down. "To explain....I was explaining this to Freya herself....before she decide to have sex with me....I think that I was masturbating because of that..." I told her the truth, making the link of that dream and my actions in bed. She wasn't looking angry or even mad, understanding that my memories can be very random.

"It's okay : you can't control about what we will arrive in your head." She exclaimed before she start to get up from my bed. "Go take a shower and join me in the main room." She then moved to kiss me on the lips before she broke it a few seconds later with an smile "Love you, Yiri !"

"Love you too." I whispered as she finally walked away from the dorm, walking perfectly fine, meaning that her leg has recovered by a lot.

Without losing any seconds once Park left the dorm that I decided to prepare some new clothes and directly go to the bathroom, getting myself in the shower in no-time, not forgetting to remove the clothes I had on. I was happy to not have any bandages on me or dressings but there were still a little scar exactly where I was shot, marking me. Anyways, I started to shower myself as.....my thoughts were getting mixed between thinking of Park and thinking of Freya....Freya....Park....Freya....Park....Park....Park. It was getting confused in my head.

At one moment, it was Freya and at a other, it was Park. I could see them both when I closed my eyes in front of me and they couldn't go away, facing me with an blank stare until I reopened my eyes clearly but still thinking of them. I'm loving Park...I was loving Freya. Both were alike in everything and I was troubled about that.....I need to stop thinking....stop thinking, Yiri !....I took a deep breath, trying to remove that thinking off me and after some attempts, I managed to get it out...it's Park.....

Finally, I go out of the shower, getting dressed in my....well...Park's clothes before I cleaned up my hair, giving it a good look at me. I must say that I'm liking myself with red hair by a lot, it make me look good, I think. I make myself a ponytail before I headed out of the bathroom, taking my watch that I left on my nightstand next to my bed before I could go out of the dorm to join the others.

I arrived in the main room as everyone were gathered around Adler's desk including Park as they were talking about something that I couldn't hear well, they were looking to talk each at the same time.

"Yirina !" Sims was the first to react of my presence, making everyone looked at me. He was sounding good in his voice.

"You're ready for the good news ?" Woods asked, damn enthusiatic as he approached me to shook hands and that what we did.

"Good news ?" I said, curiously as I was starting to shook hands with Mason that was just behind Woods "We got something ?" I grinned and Adler nodded

"Two news to say !" He replied before he get from his chair to move at me, proposing himself to shook hands with me and I reluctantly agreed "Good to see you back on work, kid !" He added while we were doing it....I swore, Adler !.....

"Which one you all want to start ?" I suggested, looking at everyone before Adler looked at the dashboard, at the part where I could see something new : Harry Stone's picture with intels on him.

"We discovered that Stone is the real mastermind of Perseus arms trafficking : 'Bonnie Blue' was just an front for him." Park was the one to respond as she has learned of it minutes ago.

"And we finally got our others buyers !" Sims moved next to the dashboard where he pointed to two new pictures : the first one was an man in a suit "Say hello to Remy Duvall..." He started about that picture "And to Amram Rabalwi !" He pointed at the other, a man in a irakian general uniform.

"Our politician and our general !" Woods scoffed, crossing his arms to think about it.

"Can I have more details on those two ?" I questioned, wanting to know more about those guys.

"Remy Duvall is an politician that is presenting himself for the next US elections as the founder of his own party : America First Party. He is based in the New Orleans." Sims answered that question while walking towards the side where there were intels about Duvall before he put his eyes on Adler.

"Amram Rabalwi is an Irakian general that is trying to gain the upper hand on Iran....before trying to take power in his own country." Adler took the lead, getting next to the side where Rabalwi's intels were.

"Two Perseus agents that is trying to take power in their respectives countries..." I start to think, putting my hand on my chin "Could be damn bad." I put my hands back around my waist, approaching the dashboard "If they both succeed, Perseus will have the upper hand."

"We are going to focus on those two as Stone is in the wild and impossible to locate."  Adler suggested, getting away back to his desk. "Our first target is Rabalwi and once we have dealed with him, we're focusing on Duvall !" He start to take his satellite phone in hand, wanting to make some calls until.....

"Wait !" I exclaimed, looking at the dashboard and pointing him with my right hand as I realized something "We can't only focus our attention on one of them." I proclaimed, turning around to face the others, looking at me with an weird look.

"Explain !" Mason raised an eyebrow, very curious

"If those two are linked, who tell that the other we will not have our focus will go into hiding after we have dealt with the first one ?" I looked at everyone's face, trying to found out if they were realizing the same, Park was the first one to see that.

"She's right !" She told everyone as she started to walk next to me "If we first kill Rabalwi, Duvall will flee and we will have no chances to have him for a long time."

"So, what do you propose ?" Woods asked

"I think....we should separate the team in two." I first replied, half-raising my hand with my lowered fingers. "Three of us will go to the New Orleans to take care of Duvall." I raised my right thumb, showing it with my other hand "The three other....is going to Irak to neutralize Rabalwi." I raised my right index finger, doing the same as before. Now, everyone realized what Park & me were saying and Adler was approving that idea.

"Sims ?" He raised his eyes to look at him

"Yeap, doc ?" Sims removed himself from the dashboard, called out by Adler

"You will go to the New Orleans with Yirina and Park !" Adler ordered, causing Sims to be kind of taken aback by it.....and me to be shocked as Adler finally said my name after more than 3 weeks in here.

"You're sure ?" Sims asked, biting his lips insecure. Adler nodded.

"I'm pretty sure of it, Sims." Adler answered as he took his satellite phone in hand. "You're the one in charge of the team to take care of Duvall. I will take care of Rabalwi with Woods & Mason." He gestured with his head, Sims's desk. "Time for you to prepare your mission and make some calls !" He then started to talk with his satellite phone as Woods & Mason go away to prepare their equipment as I was now with Sims & Park, near the dashboard, looking at Duvall's picture.

"So, I guess I don't have any choices...." Sims started, joking.

"At least, we have someone to take care off and you're the boss..." I exclaimed, almost joking as we were still focused on looking at Duvall's picture before Park looked at me with her right eye and winked at me, Sims not looking,

"Ready for an trip in the United States ?"

[smallerthanzer0]

okay okay okay so

i mean they do have a lot in common! they look like Tom Cruise they're action protagonists they're adrenaline junkies they're neurodivergent they're deeply traumatized and harbor intense guilt for parts of their past they can never go back to but i do see them all as mostly distinct brands of insane

the short version: so. say you give them the trolley problem with people they don't know. Mav's trying to jump the trolley off the tracks, because there are a couple ways to solve this but that's the coolest one. Ethan's bracing himself in front of it while Benji tries to hack into the control system or something because he doesn't care if he gets run over as long as the trolley doesn't hit anyone else. And Roy's picking his least favorite group of people, pulling the lever or not, and calling it a day.

long version below the cut:

i made a Venn diagram in preparation for this i'm so sorry

starting with Roy bc i know the least about him and he's also very much a caricature of Ethan:

we don't know a lot about his past tbh except that he got double crossed by his partner agent and is relatively chill about it, but solely from the conversations between him and - his handler? the head of the CIA? - he is so used to being used as a cog of a government machine that you could do literally anything to him and he's just go "oh :')" about it. case in point, June selling him out.

he's also. really fucking lonely? no tech guy. no informants. no loyalty from his superiors. his idyllic vacation spot is a deserted island. he has June and Simon, but for most of the movie they're not treated as his equals in any way as much as people he needs to take care of.

so it makes sense that he's kind of egotistical - not in a selfish way, but in a "i have very little control over my life so i'm going to pick a couple things that are Mine and protect the hell out of them" way. almost to a point that's really controlling, actually (vis a vis the drugging, my least favorite part of that movie), but that's fair considering that if he doesn't do a good enough job these people are dead. he imprints on Simon and June so fast and he takes care of his parents the best he can but if you're a random guy he will shoot you in the leg just to make his life a bit more convenient (sorry Rodney). thus the body count. and all the guns. so many guns.

and then we have Ethan, in contrast:

he's got the same depersonalized sense of being used and cast aside by his government so often (arguably more so, since we know exactly how many times he's been disavowed), but instead of picking people to protect he's settled into the loneliness. the last couple films especially are just. he wakes up in jail. he wakes up in a barren apartment. he wakes up on a cot with a gun but no blanket or pillow. he's standing in the shadows waiting for orders. man hasn't made a decision for his personal benefit since 2006 (and why isn't Roy like that? Roy didn't have a Julia to lose).

in lieu of choosing anything personal to protect he's just. so kind??? or scared. both of them. he wants to save everyone, mostly his friends but also any innocent he comes across. he's got a deep sense of justice and minimizing harm (in Fallout especially, but the fact that Lane knew he'd get Ethan's attention and keep it by killing someone he'd just met for the first time is pretty telling). he doesn't play favorites, he imprints on everyone.

and that ties back fairly neatly into his past! he had a team, he had friends, and they all died because he wasn't smart enough to see the trap forming around him. a lot of people get hurt if he's not smart enough. he's living on borrowed time, and he's got no one depending on him outside missions. everyone who's not actively causing harm deserves to live as much as he does, if not more.

but despite the fairly ascetic characterization there are people he trusts and keeps in his orbit, because he knows they're good enough to keep themselves safe most of the time. so he's not lonely, really, just... withdrawn. which frees him up to, you know. stop traffic cops from getting shot and jump out of planes.

and, speaking of planes - Mav:

hey this guy is haunted.

he's got the same "someone died and i could have stopped it if i'd been better and also i cannot stop returning to the scene of the crime because the work they got killed doing is my entire life" problems as Ethan, but where Ethan went on to get traumatized in new and exciting ways Mav's almost kind of paralyzed in the orbit of the Bradshaws and the Navy and Top Gun.

he's also got the same egotistical possessive instincts as Roy but a little less pronounced bc he doesn't live in an action comedy so he's not allowed to drug people (he did follow Charlie into a women's bathroom, though, so he's on thin ice).

he's also arguably the most normal of them! the calmest? no, that's Ethan. but he's the only one of the three with a social security number and property and belongings that don't all fit in a duffel bag.

oh, yeah, he also has a family, which gives him a whole different brand of insanity. Roy and Ethan's responsibility is a vague kind of "we have to protect the world" deal (although Roy does turn that into "i have to protect these two people and if something blows up along the way that's fine"), but Mav's world is smaller and more personal. he's not in the Navy because he's morally obligated to protect people, he just wants to fly. which means that sometimes he makes stupid decisions to protect that world, and ends up destroying it, and - yeah.

(also - take this with a grain of salt, bc i am picky to the point of irrational about characterization sometimes, but as much as i want to i'm never going to be able to write one of those "Mav and Ethan are the same person" fics bc my brain will not stop going "they're different people! if Ethan had a kid who needed him and a way to retire safely he would fully drop espionage and go work for the DOT for real. if Mav was in the Lane duology he and Ilsa would be in some kind of situationship by now and Walker would have been shot in the back in London. if he was in the Navy Ethan would bite the bullet and make his way up the ranks if only because he knows how having just a bit more control over a situation makes the difference between life and death. if Mav had to break someone out of prison he wouldn't drop the whole operation just to keep one stranger from dying" y'all who can figure out how to reconcile the two are so powerful.

...they would both jump off a building with barely any provocation, though. so there's that.)

(and now you give me your thoughts! also going to tag in @deanwinchestersfloralwallpaper, i feel like you'll have interesting things to say about this)

Gotta love how Roy Miller, Ethan Hunt and Pete Mitchell are all absolutely insane, yet each of them has a totally different vibe to it

[yesanothergalaxy]

I'm not even arguing most of the extra stuff, I don't condone what they did, but my point still stands because all you did was minimize and erase everything I said. It makes a big difference if you don't have dysphoria. This isn't about external shit that you are attributing it to and the fact that you down play it once again shows you don't give a fuck about what dysphoric trans people go through. But I guess you can't since you don't have it. It's very hard for privileged people to understand what underprivileged people have to go through. You are privileged because you don't have to go through the same mental anguish about your body point blank.

The fact that you minimize that once again makes you no better than a cis person. The fact that you don't understand the difference is exactly why this debate continues till this day. Imagine how upset you feel when straight people try to throw a straight pride parade, that's what you are doing to us. And I'm appealing to your emotion because I want you to know how you make other people feel. You can't say listen to me care about my feelings and experiences and then ignore and down play the feelings of people who are telling you that you are negatively effecting them.

This isn't about cis people, it's the entitlement of nondysphoric people trying demedicalize and change the way transgenderism is understood that does not take dysphoric trans people into account. I'm not saying the trumed community is great, a lot of them suck because they behave just as badly as folks from your side of the debate. Blut I'm telling you that you hurt people and you're telling me you don't care. It's the same way we try to explain white privilege to white people and they dismiss it because they are underprivileged in different ways. You are doing the same thing and using your experiences and identity to excuse it. As you've seen with the shitty trumeds, experiencing transphobia and racism does not absolve you of being a shitty human. You have a privilege over us, acknowledge it and make space for those who need it since you actually don't. It's that simple. You may face transphobia, I'm not disputing that, but you are still privileged because you don't have dysphoria and that gives you a freedom that dysphoric trans people don't get to have. It's like saying screw handicapped people I face transphobia and racism, don't appeal to my emotions to try to make me understand my privilege blah blah blah. The one thing privilege people need to do is stop using their voices to speak over others when they are trying to tell you that you are actively causing harm. Because although you face transphobia, your life is much easier than ours because you don't have to deal with the compounded effect of dysphoria and discrimination. If you experience transphobia, you already know how bad it is, so imagine that in addition to the mental anguish of the dysphoria that you cannot understand and continue to minimize because you are privileged enough not to have it. It's the only fundemental thing I want to deliver to nondysphoric people and I'm making that point here since you used every possible tag and this came across my dashboard. And I assume other nondysphorics follow you so even if you don't understand the harm that you are doing, someone else will.

“But ‘I’ didn’t call you a liar after I claimed you don’t know what oppression is like!” Wow! Great job! Do you want a cookie for doing the minimum to not be as (blatantly) racist as the others? Well you don’t get one because instead of just ‘apologizing’ for saying it or acknowledging how your words affect people of color like me who routinely get told that our oppression is in our heads (especially trans people of color), you wanna make excuses for accusing me of not being oppressed and focus on how Totally Not Racist™ you definitely are. Maybe stop telling people of color/poor/disabled/neurodivergent/homeless/lgbtq+/etc. that we don’t know what it’s like to be oppressed.

An example of an excuse is “But I meant trans specific oppression.”

No. Stop. Just stop saying it. Just apologize. Being turned down for jobs is trans specific oppression. Having to deny opportunities to advance my life due to my transness is trans specific oppression. Being unsafe in various neighborhoods and cities due to my transness is trans specific oppression. Even if you meant trans specific oppression, I👏🏽 still👏🏽 face👏🏽 that👏🏽