#why is that so fucking hard for people. I don’t know these random transmascs & I don’t care to

[trans-androgyne]

I feel like I’m constantly being held responsible for the actions of random shitty transmascs just by having the commonalities of being transmasculine & talking abt the oppression I face as a result. Like I’m sorry you’ve run into a handful of shitty people. I’ve also run into shitty people but that doesn’t mean I stereotyped the entire group they came from about it.

[braidlottie]

give me a call if you ever get desperate.

pairing: mommy!lottie x transmasc!reader

summary: after a long day at the compound, lottie gives you a call to relieve some of her stress.

tags: smut, nsfw, 18+ (minors dni), phone sex!!!,,, mommy kink, vibrator, fingering, masturbation, the use of “mommy’s boy/good boy/little boy”, mommy!lottie bein soft as always :p

wc: 983

taglist: @antlerbf @deerlottie @theyellowjacketschewtoy @girltwinklater @kessellluvr @lotties-ashwagandha

title inspired by one of your girls by troye sivan

it was just any random night. you were on the couch, your feet kicked up, playing some video games. you were waiting for lottie to get home. which seemed like forever.

she said she would be late today, but you didn’t think “10 pm” late. your phone rang on the other side of the couch, and you stretched to grab it.

it was lottie. you smiled, pressing the green phone button and holding it up to your ear.

“hi, mommy.”

“hi, darling.” you knew she was smiling on the other side. “miss you.” you pouted, pausing your game. “i miss you too, my sweetheart. we’ve had some new people join the community and i’m completely swarmed with paperwork. that's why i had to come in so early this morning.”

“i’m sorry.”

“oh, don't be, darling. it’s not your fault. just, tell me about your day. i need to get my mind off of this for a little while.”

“i slept in and woke up at 12, then i ordered pizza, and i’ve been one the couch ever since. playing video games.” your eyes drifted to the pizza box on the coffee table, a few slices that you left for lottie in case she was hungry when she got back.

“well, that sounds fun. better than the day i’ve had.”

there was silence for a moment before lottie spoke again. “i bet you look so adorable right now. what are you wearing?” she questioned, her voice low and scratchy. you scoffed playfully, your cheeks burning. “uh, just a white tee and those new sweats you bought me. and some socks.”

“no underwear?”

you tipped your head back and groaned, smiling bashfully at the ceiling. “stopppp. you know what i mean.”

“i’m just messing, baby.” you heard some background noise on the phone before lottie spoke again. “you should take those pants off for me.”

“mommy...”

“do as mommy says, sweetheart.” the switch to her mommy voice was turned on now, and you knew it wasn’t turning off any time soon. raising your hips off the couch, you pulled down your sweats with your free hand, just to your ankles. “they’re off.”

“that’s my good boy.”

your briefs were getting a little too tight, sticking to your cunt as you got wetter (and harder) for your mommy. “i want you touch yourself for a little while. can you do that for mommy, sweetheart?”

“yeah..” you put lottie on speaker mode before you brought the pads of your fingers to the small tent in your briefs, rubbing the cloth-covered head in little circles. a shiver went down lottie’s spine when she heard you whine. your whines got louder and once your hands went into your boxers. “oh- fuck, mommy.”

“that’s it, such a good fucking boy. mommy’s boy.” she got up and locked her office door, feeling herself getting aroused by your sweet little moans. “why don’t you go get your new toy, hmm? that’ll get you to cum so hard for mommy.”

“mm.. okay, mommy.” you left the phone on the couch, taking off your the rest of your clothes before going to the bedroom and grabbing your vibrator and coming back to the living room, this time, laying back on the couch with your legs spread and stretched out. without even telling lottie you were back, you clicked on the buzzing toy and rested it on your t-dick, gasping at the feeling.

“keep making those pretty little noises for mommy.” lottie’s hand pulled her kaftan open, taking it off and hanging it on her chair, finally rubbing her throbbing, aching clit, letting out a desperate moan. “mommy?” you couldn’t believe she was touching herself at work.

“oh baby, mommy just couldn’t help herself. you sound so sweet. it was driving me crazy.” she let out another moan that was a little higher than the last. she shut her eyes, just picturing the thought of you rocking your hips against that vibrator-

“mm- mommy, ’m gonna cum.” you turned the toy to the highest speed, your back arching off the couch. “wait for me baby. mommy’s so close.” you knew lottie’s panties were soaked, you could hear the squelching noise of her wetness as her fingered herself. “mommy, please…”

“oh, i know.. i know, baby boy. is it hard? is it so hard without mommy there to help you, huh?”

you whined, tears pricking in your eyes. you were nodding when you realized lottie couldn’t see your reply. “y-yes. i need you. i’m gonna- fuck.” your breathing was fast and sharp, letting lottie catch up to you. “hold it for me, darling, you’re doing so good. mommy’s getting so close.”

your poor little cock couldn’t take the feeling anymore, your brain getting so fuzzy and your stomach filled with butterflies. lottie’s moans made you even needier, wishing she was next to you instead of 30 minutes away at work.

“shit- i’m cumming, baby. cum with mommy.”

the two of you released simultaneously, your moans clashing together. it was music to your ears.

after the climax, it was silent expect you the sounds of heavy breathing. you threw the toy on the carpeted floor, turning over on your stomach. “you okay, baby?” lottie was trying to collect herself as well. you hummed, burying your head into a throw pillow.

“feeling sleepy?”

your eyes fluttered shut, smiling contently. lottie could read you like a book, even when she couldn’t see you. “nuh uh.”

“i know you are, my baby. i’ll leave the rest of this work for later.” you heard her gathering her things. “i need to see my little boy. think you’ll still be awake when i get back?”

you opened one eye to stare at the phone. “maybe not.” you slurred, lottie’s chuckle faint. “i love you, good boy.”

“love you too, mommy.” you mumbled sleepily, lottie hanging up so you could get some rest.

[vampelune]

kamukomahina gender/body headcanons

a bit of a ramble about my body, gender, and general appearance headcanons for them bcuz someone sent me a curiouscat prompting this 3k words of hyperfixation nonsense

Komaeda:

- He has a naturally lithe body, with a thin waist, broad shoulders and hips, which give him an hourglass. and a rather andrognyous body, which is "lucky" for him, because I hc him as nonbinary and gender non-conforming

- Gender-wise, as I said, I think he's nonbinary. Usually I do view Nagito as AMAB but I indulge in transmasc Nagito from time to time depending on my preference and how much I wish to uh, well, project, lol. But either way I think he would use he/they pronouns in a western sense. In japanese, however, they don't use third person pronouns that other people refer to them with, and in canon he uses the first person pronoun "boku", which is a "soft" masculine pronoun, in comparison to the "hard" masculine pronoun, “ore” (which Hajime uses btw!) which fits quite nicely, in my opinion! Also, in Japanese, you can be 'fluid' with your first person pronouns depending on the situation, so I think he could use more neutral or feminine pronouns should he desire it, too, to play on his gender non-conformity.

- Komaeda is very secure in his gender, regardless of being AMAB or AFAB. He does not care about stigma, or discrimination, he does not care about being "accepted" by broader society. Broader society is sort of meaningless to him, the average person and their ideas about gender and presentation and effeminity mean NOTHING to him. Whether or not a random person the street genders him correctly or treats him with respect is sort of, pointless? Because to him, most ordinary people are pointless nobodies. Their thoughts do not matter to him. I think he is still prone to insecurity, however, when around his "betters" but I just struggle to think he would degrade himself in regards to gender. to him, it's the least of his problems. what he cares about is hope and talent. He could dress femininely or wear makeup or straight up crossdress and not mind it, really. He thinks people would find a problem with it are the problem, because why does it even matter? It speaks to the way Komaeda is detached from societal norms & "normal" people, he did not grow up in normal circumstances, so he doesn't interact with the world normally by any means. he can mask and act normally to the best of his ability, often unintentionally?, but he simply does not fit into broader society and doesn't seek to.

- Komaeda loses weight really easily, and doesn't gain weight that well. This is mainly due to his many illnesses but also the medications he's been put on. He has a low appetite and burns weight rather easily, even though I headcanon that he eats like garbage (mainly junk food & takeout, since he obviously cannot cook). This makes him overall, health wise, not very healthy, and stick thin because of it. A stiff breeze could knock him over, tbh.

- He has a lot of faded scars, self-inflicted or not.

- Pre-despair (in HPA) he is fairly healthy but still lithe, and progressively his body deteriorates through his 2 years of hopes peak before the Tragedy begins.

- During the Tragedy itself, his body is at it's worst. he is almost nothing but bone at times, barely kept together by a need to live so he can see hope triumph. His weight fluctuates but he's very unhealthy. He's not anorexic or on death's door, but he's not well off, either.

- After being put into the neo world program, right after waking up, he's very, very thin and gaunt. he was in a pod on feeding tubs for an indiscernible but at least probably a month's worth of time? So he's just very weak, like he could collapse if he moves too quickly.

- But a while after waking, he goes into remission, and starts to gain more healthy habits due to being rehabilitated and cared for by Hinata, and gains some weight, finally at a healthy, normal weight. I still think he would struggle with putting on too much weight, but I am slightly fond of the idea that he gets a bit of healthy pudge after a while. To him, it's so foreign being healthy, that he honestly think something's wrong with him at first.

Hinata:

- Hinata has a very... average body, true to form. His hips and waist aren't too pronounced but he has a loosely "hourglass" shape, too, just not as exaggerated as Komaeda's in comparison.

- Gender-wise, I am EXTREMELY fond of transmasc Hinata. While I think I portray AMAB Hinata more than transmasc Hinata (in art and writing), I still firmly prefer transmasc Hinata. The reason I think portray otherwise more is just out of comfortability, but I've been getting better at comfortably portraying FTM Hinata. I have some reasons I prefer it and think you can extrapolate it from canon, but let's get into that

- Hinata, in my eyes, has an arc and story that fits perfectly into him just. Being trans. His desire to be someone else, someone better, someone he can proud of, and the way he overcompensates for himself and has an extreme inferiority complex would easily lend to him having similar feelings about his gender. To me, Hinata is a trans man who overperforms his masculinity out of insecurity and a need to pass. I see him as someone who would strictly use "he/him" in a western sense, which is lended to by his use of the "ore" pronoun in canon, which is almost hypermasculine.

- Even if he were AMAB, I think it still works, I think he's still someone who's insecure and tries to assert himself more strongly and therefore performs masculinity in a way to appear more confident than he is.

(side note: I actually read a bit about queerness in Japan and how it relates to gender performance and the use of pronouns, and read a bit about how queer women in japan tend to use "boku" and "ore" to perform masculinity, which I find neat. “Ore” was also sometimes used exclusively to show anger and dominance, which is why it's categorized as a "rough" pronoun. I think Japanese language, gender, and expression, and how those all relate to one another, are extremely interesting and if you get the time you should read about it lol)

- Body-wise, pre-despair, I think Hinata would. not have top surgery, obviously. I think he has a fairly average but leaning a little on the hefty side chest (pre-op) and binds it, hence the '91 cm' (but also he still has 91 cm post-op because bazongas). I also just think he leans on the "twunk" side of things at this point, not buff but not stick thin or without muscle, just kind of average with average strength and all, though I think Hinata would've tried to do sports and stuff to find his talent so he's in shape :)

- My personal, kind of amusing, but also kind of... thematical? Headcanon, is that during the Kamukura project, he also underwent gender transition. to be honest, while it may not make sense in modern Japan, I think we can suspend our disbelief for fiction, and also make the argument that Hinata's "transition" into Kamukura CAN be read, in some part, as relatable or at least familiar to the trans experience. Iit is not out of the realm of possibility, either, to assume that because many bits of society in Danganronpa are advanced (specifically science, is extremely ahead of our understanding, almost sci-fi like at times) certain attitudes about gender and sexuality can be smoothed over more in a Japanese context.

(side note: I also think that science-wise, we can suspend our disbelief, and assume that top surgery and bottom surgery are much more advanced in this universe, given the almost unbelievable levels of science in Danganronpa, such as memory wipe, mind control, completely realistic virtual simulation, um literally everything about Kamukura which is body modification and brain modification to an extreme, etc. I think it's kind of fitting within these to assume that... Hinata/Kamukura could just, gain a functioning penis, lol)

Kamukura:

- Kamukura would have a. "Perfect" body. it's stated, I'm pretty sure, that they modified not only his brain but his body, because he needs to be able to perform every talent under their belt with ease, and his strength, instincts, technique, are all superhuman. So it's clear to me he'd have a buff body. toned muscles and all. He wouldn't really feel a need to keep it up, though, but I think since they're very... artificial (basically fucking steroids?) they wouldn't fade from a lack of keep-up.

- Kamukura also rarely ever is injured, but when he does, his body heals rather fast and can care for himself adequately, because again, his body is modified to a point of almost inhumanity.

- Gender wise, Kamukura genuinely does not care. however, I am not one to think that Kamukura is "a different person" from Hinata, rather, he is separate from Hinata, but an extension of Hinata as well, proven that he experiences some of his emotions even if subconsciously and without understanding them. he isn't a different personality or person developed in Hinata's body, but a very traumatizing, repressed, and manipulated version of Hinata given a new name, with memories repressed. He's like Theseus's ship in human form---if you get rid of everything that makes someone themselves and replace it, bit by bit, is it the same person? Technically, yes, but... truly? Who knows. 

Because of this, I think Kamukura would have a leaning toward masculine gender performance (in canon, in fact, he uses the soft masculine pronoun "boku" in stead of "ore" like Hinata) BUT I think he is still very nonbinary. In a western sense, i think he would use he/they pronouns, but not really care if someone mistook him for a woman, I suppose.

- His appearance, unironically, is very nonbinary or "he/they" to me because he's wearing a suit, the archetypal form of masculinity, but has extremely long hair, which is considered feminine, and speaks softly (dully). Of course, the bishounen "pretty boy" appearance isn't uncommon or considered less masculine in japan, I think, but there is still a different between soft masculinity and rough masculinity in japan, which lends itself to being interpreted sort of gender non-conforming by western audiences :)

- Kamukura, due to his apathy, struggles with self-maintaining, but as we all probably know i am extremely attached to KamuKoma and thus headcanon that Servant helps him, sort of like a royal servant would royalty in the old days, take care of himself by bathing him, brushing his hair out, grooming him, etc. partially out of duty, partially out of appreciation for Kamukura's body, and partially out of maintaining his sort of "perfect" look since Kamukura, especially post-Junko death, is perceived widely by the public as the new leader of the ultimate despair, even if he is ambivalent to such a title.

Post-DR3 Hinata/Kamukura combined:

As I rambled on about previously, I don't think that Kamukura and Hinata are separate people or personality, I really dislike the interpretation that they are like a "split personality" or operate like DID, because they do not "form" like DID, but also in canon, are not portrayed as separate people.

In post-dr3, Hinata instead says that he is both of them, because he is. Kamukura is Hinata, always was, but had been given a new, false identity, had been stripped of his previous self, his memories, his personality, and crafted into something new. but that did not "split" his brain into two people. It simply repressed who he once was, and made him someone he now was. But when Kamukura regains his memories, his past self, through the means of the new world program by restoring his own memories after SDR2 concludes and he wakes up, as well as doing the same for everyone else, he decides to be "Hajime Hinata" who he always was, but carrying and shouldering the weight of what "Izuru Kamukura" had been, become, and done. Hinata *is* Kamukura, he answers for Kamukura's wrongdoings, his crimes, as something he had done as a different person who's mind operated differently, due to being artificially suppressed, modified, into an apathetic tool for the scientists who made him, and later and aimless, bored individual who simply sought meaning he did not have in the unknown of what despair would be at it's climax. And if hope could overcome it.

As such, I think, when Hinata's self is brought back into the mix, and he now deals with Kamukura's apathy and boredom in part, but much less consuming and much less often, I think hinata is less staunchly "masculine", does not overperform it anymore, and is trying to understand what his past means to him, what his present is, and what his future will be. I think that Hinata would still primarily use he/him (or still use "ore" in Japanese, as it's also a means of his personality, which is a bit rough around the edges and blunt), but be more ambivalent to rigid gender expression, still finding comfort and idealness in masculinity, but not be made dysphoric or feel frightened, uncomfortable, with non-comformity or anything like that. being boyish, masculine, is what he enjoys, but he's comfortable in it now, doesn't need to prove himself or overperform it. He can explore nonconformity without feeling like his gender or masculinity is at threat, even if it's not his preference outright.

Body-wise, I think it's safe to say he retains Kamukura's muscle and all, but Kamukura didn't put much effort into the everyday machinations of being a human being in general, and Hinata is much more fond of food than him now, eats more often, and I enjoy the idea that he gains a little pudge and has a kind of "dad bod" almost, post-DR3? lol.

Both for Hinata and Kamukura I don't see their bodies as “bara” or overly buff, masculine, but a kind of comfortable middle ground between twunk and hunk, lmao. I think they're also averagely hairy, not overly so, very lightly. kind of well groomed, and all. Hinata, pre-despair, put not so much effort into his appearance but still some, especially in trying to pass. (In fact I think his hair cut looks like a home job, all choppy and stuff, which fits him in my opinion, something done by his own hands even if messy and imperfect, he still prefers to be in control of it. also fits the trans headcanon tehe).

Izuru put very little if any effort into himself, only the bare minimum necessary to function, but servant helped him upkeep it to a perfect standard. Hinata, post-dr3 now, finds himself putting you know, an average amount of care into himself and his body, enough to be healthy, but not overly critical and conscious of himself.

Komaeda i have always seen as someone who takes a good deal of care about himself, merely if to alleviate the "disgust" of his appearance and body, by practically preening himself. He is someone who is good at cleaning and seems to appreciate clean and well kept spaces, so I think he would have a similar attitude toward himself. even if he is insecure, and of course, struggles with mental health and may slip at times in his routine in keeping himself well-kept, I think he still maintains an appearance for the most part, at least in his later years (teen to young adult). An argument can be made that he cared less in his adolescence because he had much more apathy about the world, but when he gave himself a purpose with hope and talent, I think he would care for himself a little better, even if his was spiralling mentally.

His hair is always washed, it is just very curly and prone to mess, so it often looks like perpetual bedhead, even when he combs and brushes it. His skin is soft even if a little worn by his tendency for accidents & injury, it's still soft and almost luckily so, and he takes pride in moisturizing and cleaning himself. His skin is a little sickly, still, and I think that despite having blemishes, scars, etc. Komaeda manages to look pretty in a strange way, not conventionally beautiful, but almost ethereal? He's just *pretty*, there's no way to explain it, he is nice to look at even with all his "flaws" and imperfections. Even when he's sickly and bony, even when his cheeks are gaunt or his hands shaky and weak, when his hair is a tangled mess or his clothes are dirty, he's nice to look at in a way that's nonconventional, and it's sort of mesmerizing.

Hinata I think is very average but also in a way that's nice to look at it. He's not ground-breaking hot or conventionally attractive, he has a good body, a nice face, and hair you could play with a little if you wanted. I think what's appealing about him is his normalcy, he's not trying too hard or "gifted" gene wise, but he's just kinda nice to look at, he's enjoyable to be around, an understanding person, or at least tries to be even when he fails, and despite having flaws, insecurities, blunt, he is someone you're drawn to because he's one of those people that's just, easy to talk to? An emotional anchor, almost. The kind of guy everyone kind of knows and has talked to at least once, even if you're not friends with him personally, not because he's cool or popular or anything, but because he's a normal dude who's easy to trust and talk to.

Kamukura, on the other hand, is intimidating, appearance wise and personality wise. he looks, strange, anything but normal, his eyes are red and his hair is this dark cloud that envelops him. His face may still be that plain one Hinata has but faces can be changed by the surrounding attributes as well as expression and such is true for him, with his apathetic and cold expression as well as otherwordly characteristics, he comes off as much more beautiful in a dark way, kind of? In a way that's intimidating or a little daunting, but he's still very beautiful. mesmerizing.

okay, thats my ramble. ty.

[yharnamsnewslug]

i go around on tumblr and send completely random people I don’t even know asks because my friends suck but I can’t believe how many times I have to tell them that either they stop saying trans rights or they stop sprouting “I hate men/kill all men.” one of them even insisted on saying some dumb shit like ‘this is why I specify cis straight men’ like it doesn’t make it any less shitty and transphobic? like that exact phrase isn’t used to attack trans women?? and then putting a bar between cis men and trans men using hatred is so fucked and it shouldn’t be a complicated concept to be like. “okay I’ll stop sprouting off hate with a rhetoric terfs used to harass trans people” (bc lets be real it stopped being about frustration with the patriarchy ages ago) but god I’m tired. I think I just need new friends

Hi, anon! I'm so sorry about your friends - I made a decision about a year ago to distance myself from a group of high school, close, old friends whom I'd spent a lot of time with. They were panphobic and exclusionary and very much performative in that way.

If you are a trans man, or transmasc, you are definitely not along in this feeling of utter exhaustion, and I have a lot of acquaintances and friends that know this is terf rethoric infiltration into mainstream feminism. I also know a lot of trans women who know this is terf rethoric. So first things first: you are not alone, most trans people know this is bullshit, and if you change your group of friends, know that you will always be able to find people who want to help you and understand you.

Cis people do not often examine the way they talk about gender, because to them, trans people are another gender entirely. Women is safe, men is dangerous - they do not examine the racist, xenophobic connotations of this, or even the misogynistic connotations of this philosophy, because they feel validated by other cis women who have promoted this belief into everyday speech.

Transphobia runs deep within media, within society, and it is very hard to teach people where it is rooted and from where it comes from.

Thinking men = bad is easier than saying "the patriarchy is a system that benefits only a select group of men who have the money, race, religion and neurotypicality that society deems as the best." As always intersectionality is often confused with "It's only about misogynoir", when we should listen to all people of color, to all the experiences of the disabled, of intersex people, of trans people, Muslim and Jewish and pagan and the like.

Gender essentialism is bad, however you want to look at it. And people do know this. So please, anon, do not despair, because when you decide to leave people for their bigotry, you will realize that there are lots of people who will cut it at the root and be willing to listen and learn from your lived, marginalized experiences.

Together we are stronger. Don't despair and find strength in the fact that we will overcome this as a community, as a movement. Your trans siblings will always be there.

[polyamorouspunk]

topic: transmasc lesbians? i see a lot of people online saying "you can't be transmasc and a lesbian" but i mean historically there's been a lot of overlap between butch lesbians and trans men and like if you've identified as a lesbian for 20 years before realizing you're actually transmasc it might feel weird to call yourself straight after that yknow? im just saying gender/sexuality is complex and they dont exist in a void and it makes me angry when ppl pretend they do

It is! Gender is fluid! Sexuality is fluid! And people will be like yeah yeah and then you say something like that and they’re like wait no-

There’s a right way to be queer-

And that ain’t it chief-

Which is bullshit you know.

People be like pronouns don’t equal gender and then if someone who IDs as a girl uses He/Him they’re like wait no that’s not the right was to be queer.

People will be like “I ID with two terms so I’m going to combine them” and people will be like that’s not how words work like ready? Because I just used the word “they’re” which is a combination of 2 words-

And like people will be like “Lesbian has always included nonbinary people” like some lesbians won’t dump their partner after they come out as nonbinary or trans... like that’s why terms like bi lesbian exist...

Also who cares? It really doesn’t effect you.

“If men think lesbians are attracted to women then they’ll use that as an excuse” no men are going to use any excuse whether or not it’s that and also stop blaming other women for shitty men.

“Your gender is why people don’t take my gender seriously” no it’s not? There are plenty of people who are accepting of trans without accepting things like “star gender” even within the queer community? Even some people in the community are transphobic and won’t accept your trans gender?

“These identities are harmful” people having fun with “made up genders” to call themselves similar to making up a nickname for yourself is harmful?

“You need to go outside no one in the real world is going to call you those things” and I’m not expecting them to?

I mean really if you explain to the random stranger on the street that you’re a transmasc lesbian they’re just going to be like okay? I don’t care? Or they’ll ask and you explain and they’re like okay cool and move on with their life. People are a lot more accepting than you would think, that, or they know how to keep their fucking mouths shut and not be fucking rude about it? Like normal people? Don’t bully others for kicks? Most people are naturally kind? I’m sorry that’s hard for exclusionists to understand because they always want to be the victim while also blaming other members of their community for the outside oppression they face (victims blaming).

People be like “stop using out words” and then we make our own and they call them fake and tell them that we just need to use their words for ease....

Gender and sexuality aren’t a science they’re a social construct. They’re imaginary. You cannot hold them in your hand. It’s just not that hard to respect that people have different experiences? Like just because you don’t experience something and you can’t understand it doesn’t mean it isn’t real to someone else. Idk man. Stop blaming other people for your problems. Words are not perfect. Either people get mad because terms like “lesbian” are too broad and so we use them or they’re not broad enough and so we make more and they’re like no that’s too complicated now why can’t you just use lesbian. Also historical context? None.

Anyway this blog supports “contradictory” (not contradictory) identies like “bi lesbian” or “transmasc lesbian” or “nonbinary male” or “genderqueer guy” etc.

[pentanguine]

30) What does Genderqueer mean to you?

I love the word genderqueer because of its expansiveness. It lets me say what I am, not just what I’m not, but it doesn’t pin me down with precise, rigid language that ends up becoming prescriptive rather than descriptive. It lets me define myself without being defined, thereby satisfying my neurotic impulse to put everything into categories and my visceral aversion to be being oversimplified and palatable.

And it’s about so much more than gender, too. It’s about the worldview that comes out of my being (gender)queer, and the political ideals that I want to do a better job living up to. It’s about fucking with gender expression and gender narratives, like the “right” way to be trans. It’s absolutely a choice to identify this way, and that’s why I love it, because I know that anyone else who identifies as genderqueer in 2020 has deliberately chosen it in favor of nonbinary (or at least alongside it), and they’re my kind of people.

Nonbinary doesn’t appeal to me as much because it’s very…empty, I think, and clinical. It just says what you’re not, and it says it neatly in prefixes and suffixes that look organized and polite on drop-down menus. And in an ideal world, everyone would be nonbinary, wouldn’t they? Not in the sense that we’d destroy gender (gender is important to many people, including me), but in the sense that “man” and “woman” would just be two random genders amongst a whole nebulous cloud of them, and there’d be no binary to exist inside of anyway.

I think I’ve probably talked about this before in several of the other questions, but when I say that my identity is weird and unresolved, I mean that being weird and unresolved is my identity. I don’t feel like I’m moving closer toward an ultimate truth; I don’t think there’s an ultimate truth to uncover anyway, and even if there were I wouldn’t want to find it. I want to be at peace in the lack of resolution. Everything in life is composed of certainties and uncertainties, and I think I’m fine with my gender being an uncertainty. Genderqueer is a way of pointing to the uncertainty and claiming it as my gender without having to explain something inexplicable.  

Basically, I refuse to be made to cohere. It seems like everything always coheres with gender; in the end, everything’s always a category and there are qualifications and boxes to tick and linked chains of traits that you can follow, inevitably, toward order and cohesion. I don’t want any of my traits to imply any of my other traits. I don’t want people to look at my body and think woman; I don’t want people to hear they/them and think neutrality; I don’t want people to look at my masculine clothes and think power. I don’t want people to immediately Know what I am.

I do feel like I leaned pretty hard into the transmasc angle with these questions, which makes me feel a little over-explicated, but I wanted to, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Transmasculine is something that I am! It’s a word that makes me feel comfortable with all the nuances of myself, and more fully able to be otherwise contradicting and queer. It’s a word I want to be proud of and open about identifying with! As an afab person who is not physically transitioning, masculinity is what I have to work to get people to acknowledge in me, and claiming that on my own terms is very personally meaningful.

(As an aside, something that I never got around to mentioning any other place is that I’m a boy! Not male or a man, just a boy: boy as in “relating queerly to time,” boy as in “masculinity that holds no power,” boy as kind of a playful queer affectation. Maybe I’m an agender boy??* It’s something that I made up off the top of my head and am totally winging here.)

All of that being said, though, I’m still genderqueer, as in a mess, as in outside of gender, as in genderfucked, as in invert, as in weird and ideologically disturbing and no more a man than I am a woman. My gender is something that I get to create and name, and I choose to be queer.

 *I did not actually make up the idea of being an agender boy**, and I’m not saying this person did either, but they’re at least one of the other people who got there before me

**also I’m not actually agender?? I definitely have a gender, but I just always feel compelled to add “agender” before the “boy” for some reason. I guess because the way I use boy I don’t actually mean it as a gender. Like, my gender is queer and then boy is just something else I am, like I’m a Capricorn and a bookworm.