#why is it seemingly impossible for people to be critical of the way femininity is coercive

[harrowing-of-hell]

i'm so tired of lesbian identity discourse you mfers are making me soo fucking sick

[asharaks]

CRITICALLY UNACCLAIMED FAR CRY 5 MENTION???? how many letters in asharaks ATE!! it’s nice to see another fc5 lover in the wild. the grip that game has on me (it could be so good if it was good could be so ) if you ever feel like talking about it i would love to hear any thought you have 💛

i’m gonna be 100% honest with you boss i read this message and was like To Be Honest i think this one’s beyond redemption — the far cry games are fundamentally about killing people in increasingly horrifying ways and numbers, for such deserving crimes as: being Drugged; being Brainwashed; being Foreign; and being Over There. far cry 5 is a muddled mess of a game without a clear message or storyline, and clearly exists for ubisoft to show off their super sick combat mechanics, WHICH, it must be said, are super sick. i love you wingsuit.

then i thought. hey ash. aren’t you right neow in the process of writing a far cry 5 fic in which faith survives. isn’t it a core tenet of your playthroughs that faith survives. and the answer to that is a resounding Yes.

SO: my far cry 5 beautiful vision. first, as mentioned above, faith lives. we find out more about her, about the position of Faith Seed; her terror of joseph is explored, her past as a heroin addict, the transition from rachel jessop to faith seed. the scared girl who was groomed by these men into their weird fucked up babydoll toy, the feminine face of the apocalypse — why do the brothers need a Faith, why do they need to seemingly recruit vulnerable women into this position of simultaneous power and dependence? is rachel jessop still in there, and what would it take to bring her home? so, we keep faith; instead of gunning her down, we save her, we bring her out of the bliss and into a place where she is — if not safe, because no one here is safe — at least advocated for, looked after, part of a community.

second: the deputy. i love my dep; i am at all times rotating them in my mind palace. but i would give them more intentionality: this person is a sheriff’s deputy with a capacity for incredible violence, who doesn’t bat an eyelid at being told to gun down local citizens en masse. ten minutes into the game, you’re hurling dynamite from a moving car while driving down the road. i’d lean hard into the nonverbal protagonist aspect, make ‘em more fucked up: more nightmares, more depersonalisation. why are they so vulnerable to the cult’s brainwashing? well, that’s because they’re already fucked in the head; their boundaries are eroded to nothing almost right away, their capacity to see other humans as people, their us-vs-them mentality: i want to see all of this explored properly, with more personal quests, more ambient dialogue, more to root the deputy as a person who lived in this town before it all went to shit and to explain why their first instinct in any situation is murder. also how they do that thing with their bones (break every single one then get up and walk it off).

if i was doing a serious rewrite of the game, i’d want to see, more than anything, more focus. i want to see thematic resonance, the bones of which are there but completely missed in the original. the ideas about pack mentality, about depersonalisation, dehumanisation, weaponisation — all those good -ations — with the deputy, with the thousands of same-faced enemies in the same outfits with the same hair. i’d make that more intentional, too: make it clear that the deputy is not right in the head, that these people they’re gunning down are a product of their own worldview. maybe half of them aren’t even real; by the time jacob gets done fucking with you, who knows! lean into that sense of heavy paranoia, the gaslighting, the impossibility of knowing who’s a friend and who’s an enemy: i’d make it much much harder to tell where reality ends and the deputy’s bloodlust begins, give the player more consequences for killing civilians and non-combatants, and a lot more fucked up dream/bliss sequences.

also, let the deputy experience feelings about the way they’re used. they’re turned into a weapon, put through incredible torture, brainwashing, abuse: they’re drugged, tattooed, flayed, exploded, set on fire, made to kill their friends. all of this should take a toll, and i want to see more of that. make it harder to tell enemies from a distance, slap friendly npc’s faces on some of those hundreds of bodies you mow down: lean into the horror of it all, emphasise the scale of the violence that the deputy commits. acknowledge that the deputy does all this because they’re told to, not because they choose to: they’re made into a weapon of war, and turned against people who used to be their townspeople, who they should have protected. and yes, as a cop that’s a tenuous thread but let’s be real ubisoft aren’t doing acab here.

the themes i personally see most clearly in fc5 are like… yeah the depersonalisation of it all. the dehumanisation. jacob’s brainwashing literally has you fighting faceless opponents, people with bags over their heads; more of that, even outside the red rooms, even outside the bliss: eliminate any sense of safety or control, any faith you might have in your perception of reality.

also, in an ideal world, the companions would have more depth and development, and more personal quest stuff; at the risk of turning this action game into a story based rpg, i think it would have benefited from having more relationship mechanics. not romance, but, like… companions react to the things you do. i shouldn’t be able to shoot a civilian in the head and have my companions shrug it off. the plot of the game itself is pretty weak, but frankly, no-one’s here for the plot: i don’t really have much i’d change there, except the absolute bastard of a final battle with joseph — i don’t hate the endings, but they don’t have much resonance for me, as the culmination of a game that was largely about exploration and doing mass murder in inventive ways. i think the deputy should die at the end, is my hot take; that guy needs to be put down like a sick dog.

i'd keep the seed brothers being psychosexually obsessed w you, bc otherwise what are we even doing here; i still think you should get to kill them, ideally with your bare hands, just to make it gayer and hotter.

[mediapoliticsandcitizenship]

BLOG POST 2: TAYLOR SWIFT

This particular post was an Instagram story posted by Taylor Swift on her account a while back. It depicts the wording as so; “Are you registered to vote?” I've been so lucky to see so many of you guys at my US shows recently. I’ve heard you raise your voices, and I know how powerful they are. Make sure you’re ready to use them in our elections this year! Register to vote in less than 2 minutes at “VOTE.ORG/NVRD”.

The particular stance I want to make of this post is rather more on the cynical end, with some critical deliberation of why I feel like this is an interesting incorporation of politics by a well-known celebrity.

Celebrities in the media are having a rather more prevalent influence than ever before i must say. In one article posted by Newport Academy, they state “A survey found that 80 percent of teen girls compare themselves to images they see of celebrities. Almost half of those reported that celebrity images make them feel dissatisfied with the way they look.” In regards to mega superstar Taylor Swift, a lot of her audience consists of young teenage girls or rather more feminine-presenting people who resonate with her music and art as a whole. If we look at the plenty of imagery that makes up Taylor Swift’s discography, it mostly consists of seemingly harmless lyrics and content, mostly consisting of music and songs detailing heartbreak, relationships, and womanhood. All seemingly harmless stuff right? Yet this isn’t a critique of Taylor Swift’s discography, but rather the extent of the power over her “fandom” she has, and to what length.

Taylor Swift has been one of several celebrities who has been lumped in several “purple-washing” controversies; a term that has been tossed around in the media as meaning a type of “woke neo-liberal propaganda” used by the liberals to promote “feminism” - or something along the lines that your average Republican or Conservative politician would say. The term “purple-washing” can be defined in this article by Ishika Aggarwal as “colour washing the ‘not so feminist stuff’ by sugar coating things with feminist values. It is basic to hide one’s inherent anti-feminist and anti-women opinions with some other feminist values (because society likes inclusion and they want society’s support) (Aggarwal, 2023).” At times, many of Taylor Swift’s music comes off as a back-handed perspective and narrow minded view of a universal experience of womanhood and femininity as a whole piece; it seems her music is more so catered to “white feminists'' who mostly feel empowered by content that speaks to a rather dissonant image of their experiences. So it seems somewhat backhanded at times that she would want to venture into the world of politics as a whole. 

In terms of the voting process, was Miss Swift aware of such disadvantages to openly voting the party you want due to other factors? Gentrification? Gerrymandering, perhaps? Gerrymandering is a political tactic that is created due to something in the US political system known as “redistricting”; this can be seen as problematic for a number of reasons. The whole process can only be described as a way for a specific political party to gain more votes by using the redistribution of smaller districts towards their own registered areas, thus making it oftentimes impossible for a normal individual living in the United States to vote for the party they want. This is even harder for those in gentrified areas, where predominantly POC or minorities reside; in an article published by Brennan Center for Justice, it can only be defined as “rather than voters choosing their representatives, gerrymandering empowers politicians to choose their voters.  But of course, Miss Swift would probably not be aware of that, would she?

However, I will not want to leave the critique on a purely cynical route; Taylor Swift, I must admit, has been known for advocacy for women and the queer LGBT community. She also has been known for speaking against homophobia and sexism within and outside her fandom, which she should address as an artist. She, as a mega superstar, is at least using her voice to speak on issues that she feels attached towards, which many celebrities in the public refuse to do at times due to their own inclinations to stay out of political discussion without having their own opinions used against them. Here, Taylor Swift is obviously more on the liberal side of the discussion, with her extensive resume and record of donating towards notable charities and organizations. Her outspokenness on issues she is passionate about is at least something to be commended.

I would like to go back to the point I had made on Taylor Swift entering the political realm; in an article posted in Cosmopolitan, they had reinstated that “A 2021 survey from Pipslay, found that 63% of Americans said they believed celebrities made good politicians, with 58% saying they would support Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson or Matthew McConaughey if either actor decided to run for president (Hall, 2023).” This phenomenon of celebrities entering the political realm is reserved with the term, “celebrity politics.” Many notable celebrities such as Kanye West or Caitlynn Jenner have been known to have ventured into politics while having had the status of celebrity beforehand, although both the latter have had the notoriety for being openly Republican and Conservative in their opinions. On one hand it seems at times Taylor Swift’s oftentimes “tone-deaf liberalism” comes off as a barrier in recognizing her actual stance in this example of political product placement. On the contrary it is rather a good mechanism for her to be able to gain more respect from her fanbase, while also being able to introduce the process of voting to her younger generation of fans. In doing so creating a way for “most” of them to gain access; emphasis on those who can even have access to these resources.

[kyloren]

Why Reylos Are A Bright Spot In The STAR WARS Fandom

It’s impossible to parse all of this out or to really say who’s “right” or “wrong” or what “right” and “wrong” even mean in fandom spaces. From my vantage point, the Reylo community is one of the more forgiving and accepting out there. It’s comprised of not only women, but plenty of men and non-binary Star Wars fans, from different races and orientations and experiences. And that’s true of any shipping community. In a fandom as large as Star Wars, there should be room for all of us to express joy or grief or surprise or disinterest in our cultivated spaces. It’s how we all choose to cross-pollinate that could use some work.

But Reylos aren’t deserving of the intense condemnation that comes from larger voices in the fandom. The ridicule feels specific and exclusionary, and rooted in gatekeeping sexism. Comparing them to the Fandom Menace is ridiculous. That group created blogs dedicated to roasting journalists, creators, and fans. Meanwhile, the Reylo community (along with Ben Solo fans) poured much of their frustration and sadness over The Rise of Skywalker into an act of good, by raising money for Adam Driver’s charity, Arts in the Armed Forces. How much money? As of this writing, over $76,000, more than double the charity’s fundraising goal for an entire fiscal year.

full article below the cut:

Why is romantic love such a controversial thing in fandom? It’s something I ask myself a lot, as a person who writes about shipping and who desires the kind of love that stories tell me might exist. I’ve spent most of my life in fandom spaces—participating in conversations or observing and examining them—and have witnessed firsthand how objectionable fictional romance can be, especially in fandoms that appeal to and target men. Why is this the case, and why is romance a thing we use to punish women looking for escapism in genre stories?

It’s hard to say, but it remains an endemic and undeniable strain. Shipping, which is fandom code for wanting two characters to be together, is often snickered at or seen as some frivolous element of appreciation. It can lead to shaming that feels personal and accusatory, as if your interest in a fictional relationship is a roadmap to your own intentions and experience. This attitude towards shippers is especially present in the Star Wars fandom, where the relationship between Rey and Kylo Ren is steeped in a seemingly never-ending controversy. There are fervent supporters of the romance between these characters, a plentiful contingent of opposers, and those who don’t really care one way or another but still seem fit to criticize.

Why has the “Reylo” ship created such a stir? Let’s dig into this subset of the Star Wars fandom: where it started, why it’s accumulated so much negativity, and why the Reylos don’t deserve the bad reputation they’ve acquired, especially in the wake of The Rise of Skywalker.

THE ORIGINS OF REYLO

The release of The Last Jedi was a rough time for a lot Star Wars fans. The film—the eighth in the Skywalker saga and the second in the Disney-era sequel trilogy—made a lot of bold storytelling choices, which divided the fandom into camps. Those who loved the meditations on the Force, Luke Skywalker’s troubled hero’s journey, the complicated characterization of Poe Dameron, Finn and Rose’s failed mission, and the strange developing bond between Rey and Kylo felt at odds with anyone who saw otherwise. Many disliked Luke’s arc, or the apparent sidelining of Poe and Finn, or the democratization of the Force. The disagreements spiraled into something bordering collective mania. It’s a debate that still rages today, and that seeped into the conversations we’re currently having about The Rise of Skywalker.

I loved the movie, but found the discourse numbing. Positive Twitter conversations were instantly marred by detractors, and every passionate argument was upended by accusatory nitpicks. I felt discouraged from participating in any of it, and I felt bitter towards the Star Wars community in general. Until I found the Reylos.

After stumbling on podcasts like What The Force?, Skytalkers, and Scavenger’s Hoard—all female-hosted programs—I realized there were plenty of encouraging conversations about The Last Jedi happening in fandom. I also realized most of them were Reylo-oriented. Suddenly, I was exposed to the exact conversations I always wanted to have about Star Wars: deep dives into mythology, redemption arcs, symbolism and dualism, religion, poetry. And all of that was encompassed in Reylo. All of these larger stories, focused through these characters joined by fate and purpose, who represented opposing ideologies of the Force.

There was so much to dig into. Rey and Kylo have a classic enemies-to-lovers storyline, a romantic trope seen in fairytales like Beauty and the Beast, classic literature like Pride and Prejudice, mythological stories like that of Hades and Persephone, even modern genre television like Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It’s typically used in women-oriented storytelling, as it affords duality and compassion to both parties; a distribution of power that makes the women as complicated, compromised, and interesting as their male counterparts. Rey’s interest in Kylo adds a layered intrigue to a character otherwise patently “good” and “pure,” words commonly associated with women, forcing them into palatable, antiquated gender roles.

Their relationship feeds a part of the fanbase who craves that kind of female protagonist. One who represents their own burgeoning lust, complicated compassion for the men they chose to care about, and temptation towards things we’re told to fear. Through the Reylo relationship, Rey took on another angle, one that finally made Star Wars feel like a story for me.

THE BACKLASH

I also learned right away what it meant to be a Reylo in the Star Wars fandom. The relationship between the light-sided Rey and dark-sided Kylo was riddled in turmoil. In The Force Awakens, a scene where he straps her down and interrogates her is considered by many to be abusive. The language Kylo uses to seduce Rey to his side in The Last Jedi is also seen as manipulative and problematic. He tells her that no one knows her like he does. In their opinion, he’s attempting to groom her to his standards, to turn her into what he wants against her own will. Those against the relationship will tell you that it’s a dangerous and negative message to send to young girls.

And here’s where I’ll say something potentially controversial amongst my fellow Reylos: I don’t think these people are “wrong.” Because everyone’s experience and perspective is their own thing to interrogate, and it’s not up to me to tell people how to feel about something–even if I disagree entirely. What I do take issue with, however, is the need to interrogate someone else’s preferences or fantasies. There is an infantilizing element to the backlash, as if those opposed think that Reylos haven’t reconciled with the themes presented to them, and are merely choosing to ignore them because they think Adam Driver is hot.

The way I see it, relationships like Reylo—power fantasies oriented on the feminine psyche, with an antagonistic male—fulfill two things I love in storytelling. They are pure escapism; the happy ending those of us drawn to the incurable are never afforded. And they are instructive, as they exemplify the patriarchal schism between men and women: that we are not equal, but that women love men anyway because of the compassion that comes naturally to balance that division. It shows how we can mend those gaps through patience and understanding. It’s archetypical and fantastical, sure, but that’s what Star Wars is: a fairy tale that wrestles with society and humanity in broad strokes.

That said, there are other reasons for dissent. Some fans ship Rey and Finn, and see their romance as a better avenue for a healthy relationship. Some have experienced personal trauma and can’t abide a romance that mimics and negates their pain. Others just don’t see the Reylo thing at all. Absolutely all of that is valid. Shipping should never be a competition or an authoritative moral stance on any side. Rey/Finn shippers are just as valid as Reylos because it speaks to what someone personally craves and desires. The shaming shouldn’t exist on any side—but because it does, the passionate defense comes in.

REYLOS DON’T DESERVE THE HATE

That knee-jerk self defense has drawn a lot of ire to the Reylo community in the aftermath of The Rise of Skywalker, the final film in the Star Wars sequel trilogy. On paper, the Reylos were given a lot of what they desire: Kylo Ren is redeemed and turns back into Ben Solo. Rey and Ben fight side by side and even share a kiss. But then Ben dies and Rey ends the movie alone, something that irked the shippers. They saw the ending as a grim conclusion for Ben and a way of punishing Rey for expressing her desires. To many, the ending feels hopeless and feeds into this stereotypical notion that for a woman to be strong, she must be single — as if romantic love weakens us.

There are other ways to read the ending, and many fans found power in it. That’s the beauty of film: that it’s entirely subjective. But in their profession of disappointment, the Reylos once again became a punching bag for the fandom at large. A recent BuzzFeed article compared the way Reylos reacted to The Rise of Skywalker to the way the Fandom Menace—a trolling, abusive, anti-Disney hate group—reacted to The Last Jedi. (Never mind that their “source” for this reaction was a tweet from a prominent member of the Fandom Menace, and that many of the complaints in question were either fabricated or from non-Reylo accounts.)

It’s impossible to parse all of this out or to really say who’s “right” or “wrong” or what “right” and “wrong” even mean in fandom spaces. From my vantage point, the Reylo community is one of the more forgiving and accepting out there. It’s comprised of not only women, but plenty of men and non-binary Star Wars fans, from different races and orientations and experiences. And that’s true of any shipping community. In a fandom as large as Star Wars, there should be room for all of us to express joy or grief or surprise or disinterest in our cultivated spaces. It’s how we all choose to cross-pollinate that could use some work.

But Reylos aren’t deserving of the intense condemnation that comes from larger voices in the fandom. The ridicule feels specific and exclusionary, and rooted in gatekeeping sexism. Comparing them to the Fandom Menace is ridiculous. That group created blogs dedicated to roasting journalists, creators, and fans. Meanwhile, the Reylo community (along with Ben Solo fans) poured much of their frustration and sadness over The Rise of Skywalker into an act of good, by raising money for Adam Driver’s charity, Arts in the Armed Forces. How much money? As of this writing, over $76,000, more than double the charity’s fundraising goal for an entire fiscal year.

I also know that the Reylos helped me find my way back to loving Star Wars, gave me endless professional and creative inspiration for the last two years, and deepened my interest and love of storytelling and mythology. I know I’m not alone, and I know that the Reylo shipping community has made Star Wars finally feel like a fandom they were allowed to love. That’s something I hope fans with different access points to the world of Star Wars might think about before they wag a finger or call Reylos fake fans or mock their interests and experience. Star Wars can and should be for everyone, and how we find our way into the galaxy far, far away is a unique, personal, and beautiful thing. Love is what it’s all about at the end of the day. Even romantic love.

by Lindsey Romain for Nerdist [find article HERE]

[jewishconvertthings]

Something I’ve noticed come up again and again in conversion-focused/prospective convert spaces is a fascination with orthodoxy. I think a lot of what drives this is the desire for universal recognition and to do things the “right” way. And, since Jews both inside and outside of orthodoxy tend to hold up orthodoxy as the gold standard for halacha and for conversion in particular, people who would never otherwise consider converting orthodox still end up seriously investigating the possibility and/or even attempting it. This becomes especially painful to watch when, for one reason or another (or several) the individual in question simply cannot convert orthodox without making life changes that are, frankly, not worth it or even impossible.

I say this as someone who absolutely, 100% went on this ride.

(This is a Very Long Post, so I’ve put it under a cut)

I am a queer non-binary person in a relationship with another queer non-binary person who is not Jewish and has no plans on converting. Now, at this point in my life, I present in a traditionally feminine way 98% of the time (and was assigned female at birth), the aspects of physical transition that I have accessed are not visible or are easily able to be masked, and for a number of extremely personal reasons I won’t get into here, I have also reached a point in my life where my ability to be attracted to cis men is not something that I automatically reject.

So on a pragmatic level, if I wanted to be orthodox I had two choices: (1) Stay with my partner who I love and have built a life and a home with, who supports my Jewish journey and observance 100%, who loves me no matter how I present myself gender-wise, and whose life experiences as a fellow queer non-binary person allow us to have a profound understanding of each other; or, (2) Leave my partner, and also most likely also make an effort to stamp out or at least conceal the queer and non-binary facets of myself.  

I think it’s pretty clear that I opted to not take path #2, which left me with the decision to either pursue a Conservative conversion or accept being a Noachide. Fortunately, I happened to already have a Conservative community that I really loved and three Conservative rabbis for my beit din, each of whom I tremendously respect. Therefore moving forward with a Conservative conversion did not cause me all that much cognitive dissonance. To be perfectly honest, all told, I think my theological framework fits better within Conservative halacha anyway and there is plenty of space for me to exist and be respected as a queer non-binary person with a non-Jewish spouse.

But despite what I feel is an overall very good outcome to this problem, I still went through a whole grieving process for letting go of the idea of ever converting orthodox, and looking back I felt it was really important to interrogate why. I could of course take the easy way out and say that it was because I was sad to lose this particular shul as my primary community, but that’s not completely true. I still go there sometimes and enjoy it when I do, and also by the time it became clear to me that this was not a community I could convert through, it was no longer my primary shul. I’d already switched.

I could also say that it was because I deeply desired living and sharing community with a congregation where the majority of members took halacha very seriously and lived by those convictions. While I have deep love and appreciation for my Conservative community, the reality is that I am in the minority as someone who keeps a strictly kosher kitchen and one of a handful of people who make much of an effort to be shomer Shabbos. At the same time, I have found and built friendships with those who do take a more traditional approach to observance who also share other values of mine as well. So I have ultimately ended up in the exact kind of community I desired, even if it isn’t the numeric majority of the congregation as a whole.

There was also a very real period where I needed to sort out my understanding of what I believed about what Torah even is, and how I wanted to build my Jewish observance from that understanding. (Namely, that even though I can never say that I believed with perfect faith that the Torah was given directly to Moshe by G-d on Mt. Sinai in its entirety and in fact believe that most of the evidence points away from that understanding, I also felt it was important to essentially accept it as an underlying assumption for interpretive and halachic purposes. I have . . . evolved a bit since then, but honestly haven’t moved too far from that position.)

The point is that there were actual, real reasons other than just for the validity.

But if I’m being extremely honest with myself, while it was far from being the only reason or the “real” reason, it was nevertheless a not-insignificant reason for why I was disappointed and felt a loss. I understand the other pieces pretty well at this point, and so with the benefit of time and some emotional distance, I decided to examine this a bit more deeply.

I think the problem is two-fold. First, I think that the same intense beliefs and emotions that drive someone to do something as drastic as converting to Judaism to begin with also create a desire to do so in the most intensive way possible. Amongst myself and the many other conversion students and converts I’ve met, irrespective of our many differences, our passion for Judaism and our enthusiasm in Jewish engagement are near-universals. For better or worse, that tends to manifest as a desire for a high level of observance and for a community that shares that commitment.

Second, I think that converts of whatever background, but especially those of us who are marginalized in other ways, tend to be under a great deal of scrutiny from the rest of the Jewish community as to our motives and our processes for becoming Jewish. While I don’t doubt that this is painful for anyone, this can hit especially hard if you have experienced some other kind of serious invalidation, erasure, and/or rejection in other areas of your life.

So I think, after having sat with this a bit, part of that feeling of hurt and loss comes as a sort of echo trauma from having been erased and rejected as a queer non-binary person. The invalidation I’ve received both outside and inside the queer/trans community has been significant enough that the idea of stomaching more rejection, more invalidation, and more treatment as an interloper was a tough pill to swallow. Combine that with my genuine passion for Judaism and desire for an observant Jewish life and community, and you had a perfect storm of me reaching for a community that was, all told, not a good fit.

I eventually moved past that stage, and ended up quite happy in my Conservative community. So what’s the problem? Why am I bringing up such a painful topic if it turned out fine?

Here’s the thing: I’d seen other people ride this emotional rodeo before and so while I anticipated these feelings of rejection, I was afraid of experiencing them and tried to avoid doing so by being hyper-aware of the possibility. It didn’t work. Unfortunately, this was just something I had to figure out on my own. However, there was another effect I’d seen as well, namely that once people had processed the immediate sadness, there was usually a bit of backlash afterwards. I saw this especially with a particular friend who regularly expressed not just legitimate criticisms of orthodoxy, but lashed out angrily towards anyone who expressed an interest in orthodoxy or who happened to be orthodox and talk positively about their experiences. This was serious enough that it almost ruined our friendship.

I did manage to mostly avoid this latter effect because I actively built relationships within my orthodox community and maintained them even afterwards, and because I refused to make that rejection a personal thing. I also gave myself ample space from that community and have only engaged to the extent that I can do so in a healthy, comfortable way. But it’s worth noting that despite controlling my outer reaction, I definitely had to process and work my way through that same anger internally.

I raise all of this for the following reason:

I haven’t seen anyone talking about this much, and what I have seen has not been constructive or compassionate. While I don’t think reading about my seemingly typical (even cliché) experiences as someone who was not a good fit for orthodoxy trying to shoehorn myself into it for understandable (but ultimately futile) reasons will spare anyone the emotional ride of having that experience, nor do I think it will likely help anyone avoid having to experience it themselves to be sure, I do think that it may help with a couple issues. First, I think it may help outsiders who have observed this trope have a bit more compassion for those going through it and be able to offer some better responses than derision or telling folks to just get over it. Basically, realize that these are growing pains, and try to be kind and mature about it.

Second, I think it may help people who are on the verge of going through that experience and/or who are in the middle of it to understand that it is A Thing, that it is not an inherently bad thing, that they are not bad people for having to go on this emotional journey, that it is reasonable for them to have hard feelings about it, and that the only thing they really do need to be careful of is how they treat the people in their communities and not take this out on them. Ultimately, if you are unable to convert orthodox for reasons outside your control (or even just realize that you inherently don’t have the right worldview for orthodoxy/have an actual desire to live an orthodox lifestyle) there are usually other ways of meeting your community and observance-related needs and it is best to start exploring them sooner rather than later.

Collectively, I think I would challenge conversion students and liberal converts who are considering an orthodox conversion to seriously consider if there are other ways to meet your spiritual and community needs. If so, why pursue orthodoxy? You really do need an honest answer to that question, even if it takes a bit of soul-searching to get there. If it’s about universal recognition, you need to stop immediately and reconsider. (Understand that there basically is no such thing. Then understand that this means that you will have to build an internal Jewish identity that is unrelated to how random people without community decision-making power view you.) Finally, I’d ask that you try really hard to separate the larger trends and systems within orthodoxy from individual Orthodox Jews you happen to encounter.

And of course, I would challenge folks to leave passing judgment on any given conversion student’s process and motivations up to their sponsoring rabbi.

[popwasabi]

“Crazy Rich Asians” Review: Support This Movie So I Can Stop Being Angry

Directed by Jon M. Chu

Starring: Constance Wu, Henry Golding, Michelle Yeoh, Gemma Chan, Awkwafina

 “Crazy Rich Asians” might be the first film I’ve ever been nervous about seeing.

It wasn’t that I didn’t trust that director Jon M. Chu would properly represent Asian Americans in a way most Hollywood films don’t but I found myself worried not about whether I would like the movie but whether others would. You see, in the theater full of mostly Asian people I saw it with there was a row of five middle-aged white people right in front of me and my mind immediately went to the gutter thinking “will these people laugh at anything that isn’t a stereotype in this movie?”

(White people be all like: “Why do Asians all look the same?”)

Obviously that’s an unfair assumption to make but Hollywood makes it for them all the time. Rarely producing films that give being Asian any nuance or depth beyond being smart, martial arts masters or more infuriatingly submissive enablers of a white protagonist over their own stories.

A part of me didn’t care about enjoying it so long as it made an impression on Hollywood and larger film-going audiences; I needed this film to succeed because it could mean so much more for representation and inclusion down the line.

Luckily, from what it looks like, the film is trending well and in the end managed to warm my cold dead heart with its whimsical rom-com charm, even if parts of it devolved into the predictable.

Based on the bestselling book by Kevin Kwan, “Crazy Rich Asians” follows the story of Rachel Chu as she and her boyfriend Nicholas Young travel to visit his family in Singapore for his brother’s wedding. Unbeknownst to her, Nick hasn’t been completely forthcoming about his family’s lifestyle and as it turns out he is part of the richest family in Southeast Asia. Now Rachel finds herself in a battle to establish herself in front of his matriarchal mother and prove to her that she’s worth it to Nick.

In writing this review over the last few days it’s been very hard to convey how I’ve felt about this film without going on an angry tangent about Asian representation as a whole in popular cinema. It’s pretty much impossible for me not to talk about it so I’m going to try to talk about this as briefly as possible before I get into the film itself and where it stands personally for me.

(Me trying to avoid writing 10,000 words of pent up rage over the first couple drafts..)

There have definitely been better movies to come out, even in recent years, about the Asian/Asian American experience in the west and more than a few starring all Asian casts, writers and directors. Last year’s, much smaller film, “Gook” for instance gets much more personal about race and the ugliness of society.Even as far as comedies go “Seoul Searching” (which is on Netflix) is a funnier more relatable take on the issues and themes raised in this movie.

(Also, if you didn’t know already, Justin Chon is a GREAT actor and needs to be in more movies. Or at least directing them.)

But as many in the media have pointed out already, this is historic in that it’s the first MAJOR film of this kind since “Joy Luck Club” and to finally have a film featuring this type of cast, director and story with big corporate backing is huge for representation whether you find the film underwhelming or not.

Over the last couple years, whitewashing has become a more recognized topical issue in Hollywood than ever before as Asian American audiences are speaking up more loudly about problematic casting and writing choices that Hollywood and apologists find all kinds of excuses for. Despite plenty of evidence to support otherwise that “bankable” stars don’t guarantee box office draws and that Asian Americans are the largest movie-going demographic per-capita in the country, Hollywood still will place relatively unknown white actors in lead roles on huge box office productions (look at the history of Hollywood trying to make Armie Hammer a thing) while simultaneously telling people like myself that people who look like me can’t be mainstream draws.

If for nothing else, cast more Asian Americans because it’s the right thing to do. The representation and inclusion is waaay overdue and if I have to hear “Just make your own movie” or “People from (insert Asian country here) don’t care” one more God damn time I will tear my fucking hair out! Kevin Kwan had to FIGHT to keep the role of Rachel Chu in this movie Asian and Asians from the mainland and Asians in America, or more broadly in the West, don’t have the same lived in experiences. Not even close!

(Me failing often to maintain my decorum in polite company when these topics are brought up...)

One of the weirdest and most shocking revelations I had coming out of this film is that it was one of the only films I could recall seeing an Asian couple engaging with each other romantically in a Hollywood film for more than five minutes at a time ever. That’s. Fucking. Nuts!

I hope that with the commercial and critical success of this movie what’s left of the skeptics will come around finally (especially the ones in Hollywood) and stop with the dismissiveness. They probably won’t but hey maybe it’ll shut them up for a while at least…

(It gets me through this shit...)

Anyways, now that I’m (mostly) done ranting, as far as the movie goes this is a solid date-night romantic comedy that I’m sure everyone regardless of background can enjoy.

“Crazy Rich Asians” is fairly predictable, albeit with some minor twists, but it still manages to tell a story we’re all pretty familiar with in a unique and often dazzling way.

The first thing that pops out immediately about this film is its visuals as the movie displays a wide array of hues and colors that make the cinematography and the literal richness of the plot truly pop. Its visual eye-candy in the best way, even if it comes across as shallow at times, and if nothing else will keep your eyes glued to the screen as the films moves through its lush scenery.

The soundtrack also helps highlight this between the pop songs and Cantonese renditions of them and director Jon Chu does a great job of splicing it all in together with this group of characters and making their performances even brighter through it.

The cast is the true strength of the film, of course, featuring multiple well-known Asian actors and actresses as well as a few newcomers, who I hope breakout in Hollywood through this film. Constance Wu is delightful, sassy and strong-willed as Rachel Chu and helps shed the stereotype of the meek and submissive Asian women in this story by standing up for herself and not hinging her existence on a man, even one she loves. On the other side of things Henry Golding looks every bit like a star in the making and is charming as Nick Young (even if he is a bit of a Gary Stu character) while also smashing stereotypes about asexuality and unattractiveness in Asian men himself. The two of them have great chemistry onscreen and make a very believable romantic couple and it’s hard, even for an eternal cynic like me, to not be like “Awwwww true wuuuuuv” while watching their romance play out.

(*sniff* It’s so extra yet it’s so beautiful ;_;... *sobs at the extra-ness of the romance*)

There’s a hilarious cast of characters who support Wu and Golding alongside them as well. The always enjoyable Awkwafina plays up her role as the funny best friend very well, the Daily Show’s Ronny Chiang gets in some nice quips and Ken Jeong plays the perverted weirdo perfectly.

The indomitable Michele Yeoh does a great job as the menacing matriarch Eleanor Young but manages to keep it from getting too cliché as the writing adds some nice shades of grey to the character. Her love, even if misguided, is well acted alongside Golding and the two make for an interesting mother/son dynamic that I’m sure plenty will be able to relate to.

The real surprise star, and honestly the most interesting part of the story, actually comes from English actress Gemma Chan who plays Nick’s cousin Astrid. The sub plot involving Astrid and her husband sets up a unique and powerful message about the give and take in relationships and its reflection upon femininity and masculinity. Chan puts in a short but nonetheless thoughtful and sincere performance here and I look forward to seeing more of her in the sequel and hopefully other major film productions.

(That look you give when someone tells you a film starring a dozen or so Asian actors and actresses can’t be a huge box office success)

The film doesn’t have many profound things to say otherwise, it’s again a fairly by the numbers rom-com with a heavy dosage of opulence porn and not to mention some problematic elements, but the one message I hope white audiences take from this film, other than everything I mentioned earlier *gets back on soapbox*, comes from Rachel’s mother at the very beginning of the film.

In the lead up to Nick and Rachel’s big Singapore trip Rachel’s mother warns her about what people of the mainland will think of her when they see her. She states that she may look Chinese and speak Cantonese but, pointing to her heart, they see her as American.

This speaks to a lot of what growing up in this country feels like sometimes for us Asian Americans. That despite many of us being three or four generations deep now in this country we’re seen as foreigners and people from “our country” see us the same way. It’s a deep struggle for our identities and the perpetual foreigner syndrome is a real issue for many of us. Yes, as adults it’s easier for us to shake these insults and micro aggressions but that doesn’t mean it’s still not fucking annoying. Hopefully when white film-goers see this scene they begin to understand that we are as much Americans as anyone else and that seemingly harmless but nonetheless insulting comments like “no, where are you really from” need to be done away with.

(”Where are you from?”---->”Oh I’m from LA.”----> “No, I mean where are you from?”---> “Uhhh California?”----> “No where are you really from?”----> “The United States?...”----> “No where are you REALLY from?”--->*me^*)

I won’t stand here and tell you that Asian Americans have had it worse in this country than other minorities but stereotypes and poor cultural representation, or lack thereof, does contribute to a wide array of issues for us and hopefully this film helps hammer away those regressive viewpoints.

TL;DR “Crazy Rich Asians” is a good date movie and, if nothing else, support this movie so I can go on less rants about Hollywood shitting on Asian Americans.

It may be, at least on the surface, a pretty straight forward romantic comedy but its little nuances and unique commentary on this demographic of people (Even if it talks about a small section of it) makes it a film worth supporting.

Hopefully in the future this film will feel pretty ordinary as representation and inclusion become more accessible things for not just Asian Americans but for people of all backgrounds but until then this is a nice, waaaay past-due, coming out party for Asians across this country and abroad.

 VERDICT:

4 out of 5

*Me awaiting the inevitable “Well actually...” comments that’ll come from this review*

[astrolocherry]

Through the cosmic kaleidoscope snapshot 

Aries:

Something in her nature is always preparing her for war. It could be with lovers, employers, teachers, or parents. It could be with herself and if she is staging to the world the woman she admires in herself. Her heels thunder through the hallways and she can raise her voice higher than the ceiling. When it comes to self expectation, her standards are quite high. She is not afraid of assertion, protecting her femininity, or defending herself against any force or feature. Every piece of herself that she has built has taken work. Libra may be the White Queen, and indelible charmer seemingly loved by the world. But the Red Queen in Aries is life and aliveness, choking at the excitement of everything, vivid, glorious, spirited, and… bonkers.

Taurus:

Taurus have a talent for beautifying everything they put their hands on, so you can almost imagine their paintbrushes stroking everything in tactile delight and leaving colours behind that nobody has seen before. Even her physical body is a canvas, she can be experimental with personal style, use meditation to create harmonics in her body, create gourmet cuisine and help flowers grow. It is her godly artistry, the substance of her inner world that gives rise to mosaics and masterpieces, the paintbrush hands that spindle thread into gold.

Gemini:

Gemini is rarely hesitant to hide her lack of fasciation or interest with certain people. She has a sophisticated social conduct but this deteriorates when she finds her company bland and tedious. She can abandon long term relationships and friendships without hesitation because she embraces the change of fresh perspectives. Her intellect cannot hide its need to ravage even greater thinkers, and it’s unapologetic in doing so. It’s always about ensuring the mind does not lapse into a mere moment of boredom, because this would mean that the Gemini is left with nothing but billions of thoughts, and they blow up like anxious butterflies.

Cancer:

The Mother Goddess in Cancer is a formidable figure of biological and spiritual activity, the waters that birth and cradle all life. But there is different sort of light or essence in Cancer, one that the inner child refuses to let go of. It is her intimacy with this internal child, the scarab, that gives her the anointed and sacred mother’s touch. The scarab was anciently regarded as a ‘very tiny cosmos’ as it symbolised entrance into the material universe. This ‘tiny cosmos’ is still active inside Cancer. It’s why she can believe that mermaids exist and immerse herself in make believe. It’s why she can enjoy simple pleasures like colouring in and eating cookie dough. Mother and Child divided and reunited by light itself. 

Leo:

The Leo can be so whipped by the crack of the ego that it can be absolutely impossible to accept criticism or failure. The Leo seeks out validation, because love and affection from other people act as a source of nourishment. She needs credit for playing her role with prestige, sometimes openly, and sometimes secretly. These words of acclaim liven her heart and energise her spirit. But this can be fleeting, and only for only a moment. The ego is always flocking close by, waiting to whisper its discouragement or dissatisfaction, hovering with poisonous thoughts that are sure to contaminate any sort of praise she received.

Virgo:

Nothing she ever accomplishes seems good enough for her mind, it slices through her like cutting criticism. The memory of every mistake that she’s ever made inundates her head and sounds like demons cackling. And this pursuit of perfection is ultimately altruistic, she only wants to be perfect so she can be perfect for others, so she can be recognised and praised, so she can hear something other than criticism. This relentless conditioning by her own mind causes her sensitive physical body to respond, she can become trapped in rituals and routine for which she sees no sense, it’s just like a compulsive ceremony to manage the onslaught.

Libra:

Libra is the ruler of the 7th house and the descendant as the sun sets. These shadows begin to dilute the personality, it requires all-consuming social needs and trepidation when faced with isolation. Libra is ultimately energised socially and activated in the pursuit of forming relationships, maintaining contracts, and upholding law. The Libra temperament can be quite unpredictable. They can experience sudden and confusing ruptures of energy that their airy mind is unable to interpret. This is when you see the shaky and tantrum energies of Libra rise from dissatisfied cardinal forces

Scorpio:

Deep down in the halls where Hades rules there is a throne glistening in sea and soul, the throne for the Princess who valiantly guards the threshold with ferocious winds and demons coursing through her hair. The blood of her fought battles tattooed into her skin, her eyes ablaze with the power and prestige of ruling the underworld. That’s no easy task for someone who thought she was a mere girl, the duty of taking souls on journeys and extracting lies and traumas like a psychic surgeon. She oozes magnetism and prowess, her presence is as noticeable as her absence, and in some way she is always watching, observing, and calculating. 

Sagittarius:

She safaris in tourist sites and ancient burial lands, the more I understand about the world she figures, the more I will understand about myself. She spots marks on atlases and sees her own heritage. She hears a language never spoken before but understands everything. She sees her own reflection in the Great Barrier Reef. She feels her heart rise with the sun. She adopts new cultures like her own. Change can be the Sagittarian’s only constant, and as the world spins she madly tries to keep up with it. She can be ravenous when her mind is hungry. She just wants to find her true self so it’s not so empty. 

Capricorn:

It was also Capricorn who is illustrated by the cloaked grim reaper, their melancholy is not romantic, but it carves out a wound in them that summons magnificent healing energy, an intimacy with pain and suffering that is pure wisdom at its core. For this, she has a unique rapport with death, and she hears the reminders of immortality louder than anyone. It’s this mutual understanding that she has established with death that generates her sorcerer’s knowledge, herbs, tonics, and angelic curatives, but also rituals. And this can be why the Capricorn repeatedly or compulsively carries out personal rituals, there is a calling in her being for return to the wind, trees, salt, and sun and once again become the crone.

Aquarius:

Aquarius is the sign of Blue Light Christ Consciousness, they are residents of the mental plane, the realisation of the inner light and kingdom, the awareness of truth and oneness with all beings. The jagged waves of their symbol represent light, not water, and electrical impulses that pass through one another other like telepathy. Aquarius contains this knowing in her jug of water, but she maintains physical form. Like a mermaid, she dwells in mysterious waters, but in true to her airy nature, her head remains in the clouds.

Pisces: 

She wrote a severe contract for earth before incarnating as Pisces. And God knows this, so her support system is rich and active. It’s ensured there are angels, guides, ancestors, and spiritual mentors always on call, this is why so many Pisces make natural spiritualists, healers, witches, and clairvoyants. The 6th sense is how she perceives, feels, knows, and understands the world. The ocean is vast and largely undiscovered, in a spiritual sense it symbolises everything. This is the experience for Pisces. The intensity of containing such spiritual mass is too harsh for a physical body. So the Pisces has many bodies she can swim into.

-C.

[wtfzodiacsigns]

Through The Cosmic Kaleidoscope Snapshot

Aries: Something in her nature is always preparing her for war. It could be with lovers, employers, teachers, or parents. It could be with herself and if she is staging to the world the woman she admires in herself. Her heels thunder through the hallways and she can raise her voice higher than the ceiling. When it comes to self expectation, her standards are quite high. She is not afraid of assertion, protecting her femininity, or defending herself against any force or feature. Every piece of herself that she has built has taken work. Libra may be the White Queen, and indelible charmer seemingly loved by the world. But the Red Queen in Aries is life and aliveness, choking at the excitement of everything, vivid, glorious, spirited, and… bonkers.

Taurus:

Taurus have a talent for beautifying everything they put their hands on, so you can almost imagine their paintbrushes stroking everything in tactile delight and leaving colours behind that nobody has seen before. Even her physical body is a canvas, she can be experimental with personal style, use meditation to create harmonics in her body, create gourmet cuisine and help flowers grow. It is her godly artistry, the substance of her inner world that gives rise to mosaics and masterpieces, the paintbrush hands that spindle thread into gold.

Gemini:

Gemini is rarely hesitant to hide her lack of fasciation or interest with certain people. She has a sophisticated social conduct but this deteriorates when she finds her company bland and tedious. She can abandon long term relationships and friendships without hesitation because she embraces the change of fresh perspectives. Her intellect cannot hide its need to ravage even greater thinkers, and it’s unapologetic in doing so. It’s always about ensuring the mind does not lapse into a mere moment of boredom, because this would mean that the Gemini is left with nothing but billions of thoughts, and they blow up like anxious butterflies.

Cancer:

The Mother Goddess in Cancer is a formidable figure of biological and spiritual activity, the waters that birth and cradle all life. But there is different sort of light or essence in Cancer, one that the inner child refuses to let go of. It is her intimacy with this internal child, the scarab, that gives her the anointed and sacred mother’s touch. The scarab was anciently regarded as a ‘very tiny cosmos’ as it symbolised entrance into the material universe. This ‘tiny cosmos’ is still active inside Cancer. It’s why she can believe that mermaids exist and immerse herself in make believe. It’s why she can enjoy simple pleasures like colouring in and eating cookie dough. Mother and Child divided and reunited by light itself.

Leo:

The Leo can be so whipped by the crack of the ego that it can be absolutely impossible to accept criticism or failure. The Leo seeks out validation, because love and affection from other people act as a source of nourishment. She needs credit for playing her role with prestige, sometimes openly, and sometimes secretly. These words of acclaim liven her heart and energise her spirit. But this can be fleeting, and only for only a moment. The ego is always flocking close by, waiting to whisper its discouragement or dissatisfaction, hovering with poisonous thoughts that are sure to contaminate any sort of praise she received.

Virgo:

Nothing she ever accomplishes seems good enough for her mind, it slices through her like cutting criticism. The memory of every mistake that she’s ever made inundates her head and sounds like demons cackling. And this pursuit of perfection is ultimately altruistic, she only wants to be perfect so she can be perfect for others, so she can be recognised and praised, so she can hear something other than criticism. This relentless conditioning by her own mind causes her sensitive physical body to respond, she can become trapped in rituals and routine for which she sees no sense, it’s just like a compulsive ceremony to manage the onslaught.

Libra:

Libra is the ruler of the 7th house and the descendant as the sun sets. These shadows begin to dilute the personality, it requires all-consuming social needs and trepidation when faced with isolation. Libra is ultimately energised socially and activated in the pursuit of forming relationships, maintaining contracts, and upholding law. The Libra temperament can be quite unpredictable. They can experience sudden and confusing ruptures of energy that their airy mind is unable to interpret. This is when you see the shaky and tantrum energies of Libra rise from dissatisfied cardinal forces

Scorpio:

Deep down in the halls where Hades rules there is a throne glistening in sea and soul, the throne for the Princess who valiantly guards the threshold with ferocious winds and demons coursing through her hair. The blood of her fought battles tattooed into her skin, her eyes ablaze with the power and prestige of ruling the underworld. That’s no easy task for someone who thought she was a mere girl, the duty of taking souls on journeys and extracting lies and traumas like a psychic surgeon. She oozes magnetism and prowess, her presence is as noticeable as her absence, and in some way she is always watching, observing, and calculating.

Sagittarius:

She safaris in tourist sites and ancient burial lands, the more I understand about the world she figures, the more I will understand about myself. She spots marks on atlases and sees her own heritage. She hears a language never spoken before but understands everything. She sees her own reflection in the Great Barrier Reef. She feels her heart rise with the sun. She adopts new cultures like her own. Change can be the Sagittarian’s only constant, and as the world spins she madly tries to keep up with it. She can be ravenous when her mind is hungry. She just wants to find her true self so it’s not so empty.

Capricorn:

It was also Capricorn who is illustrated by the cloaked grim reaper, their melancholy is not romantic, but it carves out a wound in them that summons magnificent healing energy, an intimacy with pain and suffering that is pure wisdom at its core. For this, she has a unique rapport with death, and she hears the reminders of immortality louder than anyone. It’s this mutual understanding that she has established with death that generates her sorcerer’s knowledge, herbs, tonics, and angelic curatives, but also rituals. And this can be why the Capricorn repeatedly or compulsively carries out personal rituals, there is a calling in her being for return to the wind, trees, salt, and sun and once again become the crone.

Aquarius:

Aquarius is the sign of Blue Light Christ Consciousness, they are residents of the mental plane, the realisation of the inner light and kingdom, the awareness of truth and oneness with all beings. The jagged waves of their symbol represent light, not water, and electrical impulses that pass through one another other like telepathy. Aquarius contains this knowing in her jug of water, but she maintains physical form. Like a mermaid, she dwells in mysterious waters, but in true to her airy nature, her head remains in the clouds.

Pisces:

She wrote a severe contract for earth before incarnating as Pisces. And God knows this, so her support system is rich and active. It’s ensured there are angels, guides, ancestors, and spiritual mentors always on call, this is why so many Pisces make natural spiritualists, healers, witches, and clairvoyants. The 6th sense is how she perceives, feels, knows, and understands the world. The ocean is vast and largely undiscovered, in a spiritual sense it symbolises everything. This is the experience for Pisces. The intensity of containing such spiritual mass is too harsh for a physical body. So the Pisces has many bodies she can swim into.

-C.

source: astrolocherry

[townnightwalk]

NOVEL SYNOPSIS

27/03/2017

- originally, the plan for this story was to be in a novel format. The first chapter was written, and others already planned. eventually however, it was reworked to become a visual novel video game with different endings for different choices-

WARNING, STORY SPOILERS

TOWN NIGHTWALK

Synopsis

Genre: Science fiction, mystery, thriller

Working title: Nightwalk

Concept statement: 3 young adults (Prue, Sybil and Jones) are runaways, driving to nowhere in a stolen car to escape their separate abusive parents. In the middle of nowhere, Prue crashes into something unknown, destroying their car and leaving them stranded. They find themselves on the outskirts of a closed off community that they nickname Nightwalk. When they crash however, Prue alone gets a glimpse of the inhuman creature they hit, and experiences something extremely strange; she feels like her stomach is being gored on the jagged metal of the car. But once she wakes up she finds no wounds to speak of.

When they reach the nearby town, they discover it is completely isolated, filled with strange and potentially dangerous locals. There is no transport available to leave, and so they decide to stay in a refurbished and empty church. This is offered to them by a very feminine and mysterious stranger, named Kit. She is helpful, welcoming and beautiful, a combination that excites some and creates distrust in others. The longer they stay, the more suffocated they become as they hide from the town and monster tormenting them. As they explore, argue and hide, it becomes clear they all have demons to face if they’re ever going to get out of Nightwalk alive. There is no hiding from the past; as visions of abuse, loss and their deepest insecurities force themselves to the surface with the help of a supernatural entity.

They are stuck with so many questions to answer; why is everyone so strange, how will they escape, where will they go, what is the huge monster that’s following them? And perhaps most of all, who is Kit, why is she helping them and what does she have to do with monster?

The story is told predominantly from the perspective of Prue, with short sections also narrated from Jones’s and Sybil’s perspective.

Chapter outline

Chapter 1: The Crash Prue, Jones and Sybil crash their car when they run into an indistinguishable creature. This creature seems to be capable of making people feel things without them actually happening. They are stranded and spot a distant town, but once they reach it they quickly discover it to be very abnormal.

Chapter 2: Town Nightwalk After deciding to call the nameless town Nightwalk, the group search for help around the town and are greeted by people who are clearly very isolated and not very trustworthy. They search for transport and find none. They search for connections to the outside world only to discover poor reception and almost archaic internet connection. The search seems fruitless until they run into someone that seems to genuinely want to help them.

Chapter 3: A new friend They discover Kit, a young feminine stranger around their age who wants to help them. She offers them a refurbished yet empty church to stay in, which they accept as there is seemingly nowhere else to go. Prue is taken aback by Kit, yet Sybil is sceptical and untrusting. As they discuss what the group should do next they are confronted by something absolutely supernatural.

Chapter 4: The Creature The creature from Prue’s hallucination reveals itself to the group, lurking outside the church and visible from the inside. They discuss what it is, why it’s here and exactly how dangerous it is. After spending the night and following day hiding from it, the group decides it won’t attack and that they should try to discover what it wants. After a few daring experiments their carelessness ends in disaster.

Chapter 5: Visions Prue, Sybil and Jones are confronted with intense visions of their fears, their pasts and their possible futures. The creature melds into their minds taking over their consciousness and memories, showcasing its power to make you feel and remember. The only vision they share is that of Prue’s older sister, who left a lasting impact for them all when she was killed a year ago. They are only saved when Kit surprisingly manages to take control of the creature, connecting with it in a way completely different to the rest of the group.

Chapter 6: Sybils Stupid Wrath Angry and upset by her visions and fearful of Kit, Sybil lashes out and attacks her after a heated argument. This fight leads to a horrific scene in which Kit is badly hurt, but also the discovery of something even more unbelievable. The group must struggle to keep Kit alive as they desperately search for someone who can fix her.

Chapter 7: The Maker, the Mother The group decides splitting up is the best course of action, as Sybil and Prue search for someone to help Kit while Jones stays to care for her. As Jones does, he is joined by the monster, which is seemingly peaceful for the time being and only focusing on Kit as she lays damaged. Sybil and Prue have time to themselves, and end up fighting and resolving some serious tension between them. Eventually they discover a scientist hidden away in the town, who appears to be the creator of Kit. Chapter 8: Answers Sybil and Prue demand answers from the woman, and tell her she must come to help Kit. The woman is surprised to hear her android has been broken, and the group undergoes a serious argument which ends in the scientist agreeing to come, help and tell them everything she knows. They learn that Kit was an attempt to communicate with the creature, that it is capable of channelling itself through her so that she can allow it to speak rather than just evoke emotions as it does in humans.

Chapter 9: Reunion and Revelations As the scientist brings Kit back to her former self, the group reunites. Sybil apologises for her actions, and Kit forgives her with the open minded-ness of a very young, naïve and caring android. They press the scientist for more answers, but soon learn that she intends to take Kit away. The group, now protective of their friend, refuse to let her condemn Kit to a life of servitude as a soulless robot. The scientist tries to take her by force, and is ultimately defeated by the very creature she’d been working to understand.

Chapter 10: Escape The group decides to use the scientists’ car in order to skip town together, and that Kit will come with them. They are faced with overcoming the town, and manage it with the help of their new companion, the very creature that had caused them to be stranded in the first place. As they leave without it, they decide to head back home to overcome the demons that lay behind them together.  

Character Profiles

Main characters:

Prue The Main character with the most focus, Prue is a 19 year old woman on the run from her abusive father. She is cunning, resourceful and brave but also self-righteous and judgemental. As the story unfolds Prue must struggle with her fear of her father, her relationships with her friends, her sexuality, coping with the loss of her sister and her internalised shame.

Sybil The loudest and most outgoing of the group, Sybil is an energetic, funny and adventurous risk taking 18 year old, who fights for attention and acts out to keep it. She is fiercely loyal towards her friends, pushing them to do what they need to and unwilling to give up on those she cares about. Her anger issues often get her in hot water, and her tendency to act self-absorbed is something many people dislike about her. She struggles with her self-esteem, her uncaring parents, her unrequited crush and her burning self-hatred.

Jones A quiet observer, Jones is the product of a fearful and sheltering mother who has made it almost impossible for him to find friendship in the world. At age 19 he was able to find people who changed him, and is in the process of learning who he is. Jones is insightful, kind-hearted and surprisingly wise. He struggles to find what he wants and works to understand his own identity and help others do the same. He must decide what healthy relationships are, what the future will bring him and help his new best friends as they help him in return.

Kit Living as an android, her existence is almost as mysterious as the creature with no face that haunts and follows her. Kit is programmed as a young adult, found in the town of Nightwalk with limited social skills and understanding of the world. As she learns from her new friends, Kit begins to understand more about herself and what it is to find friendship and love. She must learn just where she has come from, what she is meant to do and what the monster that follows them all means.

The Creature Described as only “the creature”, “the unknown” and “the monster” this thing with no name is the most prominent and physically terrifying part of the town. Its biology is unknown, its intentions are unknown and its numbers are unknown.

Minor characters

Prue’s father An abusive man, the very reason Prue had to run.

Prue’s sister A kind woman, who died in suspicious circumstances a year ago.

Sybil’s Parents Distant and never even named, they do not care about their daughter.

Jones’s mother Overbearing and critical, Jones ultimately runs from her control as well.

Kit’s creator/mother A scientist living in the town, trying to discover the town and creatures secrets whilst hiding underground.

Townspeople

Stari, Maggie, Ruth, Gregg, Arthur, Stevie, Rose

[zayrickyear2jh]

13/12/19 BA2a Research: Session 4 The nightmare city and the urban laboratory

Plot Summary: Chapter 3

We meet Dr Jekyll at last. A large, well made smooth-faced man of fifty, although

In this chapter - Jekyll reassures Utterson he can be free of Mr Hyde whenever he wants. He says it’s a private matter and he asks Utterson to let is sleep. He calls Dr Lanyon hide bound, meaning narrow minded.

Plot summary:The Carew Murder Case Chapter 4

Nearly a year passes peacefully.

The Hyde commits murder. HIs victim is Sir Danvers Carew, a respected member of parliament.

The events witnessed and somewhat strongly described

Consider the careful setup

Before the coming of the ever-present fog, the night was cloudless and brilliant lit by a full moon. Why might the full moon be important to mention?

Stevenson writes in rapturous terms:

The maid servant sat at her window and fell into a dream of musing.

Carew appears to her as an aged and beautiful gentleman with white hair and a very pretty manner of politeness

The moon shone on his face as he spoke

Such an innocent and old world

Hyde

A great flame of anger

Broke out of all bounds

Ape like fury

Why do you think Stevenson sets up the murder scene in such a romantic way? Its the contrast between the elements of good but evil. The scene represents tduality in action.

The association of Carew with innocent and beauty makes the violence more shocking by contrast.

It has the effect of turning Carew into a martyr-like figure. His death can be seen as symbolic.

Utterson exhibits his usual self-control (ego; reality principle)

He is ever the gentleman: refusing to draw hasty conclusions.

Uttterson travels through the chocolate-coloured fog towers Soho, accompanied by the police, to Mr Hyde’s lodgings the witness has identified him. It seems to Utterson like some city in a nightmare.

Mt Hyde has done a runner but the policeman is optimistic. Several thousand pound are found in Hyde’s bank account: surely the man will call to collect  it. All they have to do is lie in wait for him.

So the chapter ends on a cliff-hanger with a clear hook to chapter 5.

Carew ‘accosts’ Hyde with ‘a very pretty manner of politeness’

What might Stevenson be hinting at here?

Elaine Showalter calls the novella a fable of findesiecle homosexual panic. She notes that working class men of the ear were sometimes seen as erotic object by their aristatic superiors.

Hyde is classless rather than working class this itself would have been disturbing and bewildering.

‘Blackmaile’s Charter’

-Known as the Blackmailer’s Charter’s this was the piece of legislation that led to arrest of Oscar Wilde in 1895.

Urannian- The word homosexual wasn’t used in English til 1892 in a translation of a German sexology manual Psychopathia Sexualis. Victorian mainly used the word Uranian for them, this actually meant having a female psyche in a male body. Ironically the 1885 act helped create the concept of a homosexual identity.

The duality of Rober Louis Stevenson

Stevenson himself was a man of contradiction

Effeminate but straight

Wealthy but dressed down )stuffy with bad teeth)

Born to strictly religious parents but lived a bohemian life as an adult.

Played at being lower class but exploited upper class connection.

Not conventionally handsome, he was said to have mesmirizing eyes and drew many male admirers including folklorist Andrew Lang and novelist Henry James. Stevenson appeared to enjoy the attention of his male admirers. And, whether he intended it or not, Uranian men of the era did find sympathetic undertones in his work. To use mourned parlance, could this be a type of queer baiting?

There is no biographical evidence that Stevenson himself experienced any same sex attraction, but Claire Harman suggest.

Social Taboos in Gothic horror

Jekyll and Hyde: The Gothic revival.

Stiles notes the Gothic conventions of Stevenson’s novella: the nocturnal settling, the theme.

The birth of Gothic horror

Horace Walpole’s dream Castel of Qtranto

Place and time

Power/Sexual power

Note how Walple’s The castle of otranto was also inspired by dream.

Key features of the Gothic

Wild landscapes vs improsonment. The re-emergece of the past within the rest.

Fascination with obscene patriarchal figures figures

Explores the limits of what is is to be human: internal desires or forces outside your control.

full of perverse weird and dangerous kinds of sexuality.

The vulnerability of women in the 19th century

The Gothic genre had scope to explore the lives of the 19th century woman.

The genre often depicts the triumph of young women over seemingly impossible forces.

If you’ve your story female protagonist you may like to explore the tropes of Gothic horror in your critical analysis.

The Uncanny

Gothic horror is all od uncanny moments.

Figures that are not quite human such as dolls, waxworks, automat

Strange, mysterious, unsettling, unnerving, unearthy

Meaning Un heimlich means un-homely

Therefore we don’t feet at home with the uncanny or the home is somehow transformed or changed.

No one can ever quite describe Mr Hyde. A prolonged state of uncertainty.

J and H was fascinated with clockwork autumata. Could be a potential

Tip: If you’re writing a horror film, try making it personal: use your own fears and phobias to make the terror.

And harness the power of the uncanny by focusing on dread and apprehension rather than outright horror.

main it unhomely: unsettle the viewer with sinister hints a radio that turns on by itself a child’s toy that is not where you left it, a writhing maggot in a piece of fruit.

Make it un-secret: show us something that shouldn’t be shown.

Give the view time to feel the fear: You have to allow the sense of underlying unease to intensify over time.

Birth of the city/the urban Gothic

Jekyll and Hyde is seen as the first Urban Gothic novel.

In the mid 1800s huge numbers of people left the country for an excited new life in the city. But many had to live in slums with no sanitation. Disease was rife. Young children worked in factories or cleaning chimneys.

London was the largest city in the world, totalling 4 million inhabitants in the 1880s’. Stevenson chose it as the setting for his ‘urban gothic’ tale but some critics argue it’s real settling is Edinburgh, where Stevenson grew up.

The evil within..

In the tale 19thC Gothic novel the threat is no longer some external force. Instead the evil is sinuously curled around the very heart of the respectable middle-class norm’ This made it more frightening because it made the evil inescapable.

Middle-Class Victorian had a great fear that sexual depravity and other kinds of moral decay would pass from the nocturnal world to the safe space of the home.

Like a district id time city in a night mare ( The Carew Murder Case)

They grew less interested in the wild landscapes of traditional Gothic, and focused instead on the new landscape of the city: an equally appropriate source of desolation and menace.

By identifying and exploring that obsession through art and literature, they sought to control and contain it.

This fear is made visual in Jekyll and Hyde through symbolic use darkness and fog.

The urban labaratory and the strange science of the mind.

The primary figure at the heart of most Victorian fin de siecle texts is the scientist and during the fin de siecle what the scientist tends more and more to dabble.

Questioning boundaries: science, pseudo-science, and the occult.

The greatest pace of advance and change in the fields of science and medicine led Victorians to necessarily suspend disbelief: unlikely things might easily turn out to be true.

As a result the gap between science and the occult was much narrower in Victorian Britain than today.

The dual brain

we’ve already seen that hypnosis suggested the possibility of a hidden self. This concept was reinforced by the victorian theory.

Left brain is seat of logic and reason

Right brain is emotions

Women and savages were strong in the right brain. Hyde is describe as ape-like

Sergeant F: the uncanny quality of the double

In 1875 the Cornhill magazine published the case study of a brain damaged French soldier Soldier F.

Sergeant F was male, and his condition was caused by a wound the battlefield. But the dual or multiple personality was almost overwhelmingly a female condition and still is today its known as Dissociative Identity.

Stles theories that small, puny, right brained Hyde has something of the victorian feminine about him: emotionally unstable.

Victorians also believed that your personality could be read in the shape of your skull.

The Victorian era saw a huge divide between rich and poor, and in essence these types of belief enabled upper class Victorians to feel okay about their unequal wealth.

Phrenology

Developed by Franz Joseph Gall in 1796, this pseudo-science made the claim that your personality and character could be recognised by the shape of your skull.

The Profession Sickist

In letter he described himself as a professional sickest. As a result, much of his work was written in bed.

Strange case of Jekyll and Hyde

The Lancet = medical journal

Jekyll is both physician and patient, call into question the legitimacy and objectivity of scaentific case studies.

As a professional sickest its likely the Steenson experienced it.

Film to watch - The burke and Hare murders

[talkaboutit]

10 Huge Mistakes women make

#TheGirl you DATE vs #TheWoman you MARRY

10 Huge Mistakes women make

#Thanks to everyone who has been following my post lately. Yesterday i based my write 📝 up on #Girls before becoming #Women with broken homes Today ill be blunt as ill be taking a nail on the WOMEN category. Let's not forget that been a GIRL or a WOMAN doesn't mean that the both are not into a relationship. You can be a WOMAN and still be in a relationship. Becoming a wife doesn't mean you have stepped into another stage. You'll still be a WOMAN because its the final stage of every female circle ⭕. So here they are in no particular order, the 10 Biggest Mistakes Women Make In Relationships:

1. You Don’t Know Your Own Value

This might be one of the most common areas where I work with my female clients. Do you chase after the bad boys who treat you poorly and only want them more? Are you attracted to all the unavailable guys? Are you afraid to ask for what you want? Do you put up with nonsense expecting that “one day” it will magically change? If so, welcome to the club — you are far from alone. You, my dear, do not know your value. The truth is that there are only two fears in the human condition: one is that you’re “not enough,” and two is that you won’t be loved. I’m sorry for being so blunt, but the truth will set you free — even if it makes you angry or defensive first. If that’s the case, don’t bother getting mad at me. I cared enough to level with you so you can actually have all the love you truly deserve.

2. You Over-Rely On Your Masculine Energy

Many of my clients are highly successful women and well known in their communities. They’re doctors, lawyers, executives and entrepreneurs, but they can’t attract — or keep — a man. Ironically, their success is oftentimes a result of the fact that deep inside, these women also have huge doubts about their self value. The problem only gets dramatically worse if they’re divorced or are single parents because in order to be the sole provider or protector, too, their entire day is spent living in their masculine, achiever energy. While that may be effective in paying the bills, when you spend too much time there, it’s nearly impossible to transition out of that and re-embrace your feminine energy again. The fact is, if you can do it all by yourself, a man will look at you and see no role for himself; unless, of course, he’s looking for a sugar mama. I definitely don’t recommend that arrangement either. If you think it doesn’t sound so bad, re-read item #1.

3. You Simply Don’t Get Or Understand Men

Women who understand how men work and appreciate them for their masculine gifts have a way of kissing frogs and turning them into princes. Likewise, women who are jaded, frustrated or have been burned too many times can kiss a good man and turn him into a frog. The fact is, women are far more complex and men are fairly simple creatures who actually are pre-wired to want to serve you.

4. You Try To Change Him Or Don’t Accept Him As He Is

There’s nothing that turns off a man like meeting a woman he’s trying to impress and then having her immediately try to turn him into her latest “project” that she’s going to fix. Maybe it’s criticizing the way he dresses, insulting his table manners, or ridiculing his appearance or grooming habits. Women have a way of doing that because they tend to be caretakers by nature but frankly, it usually doesn’t end well for either party, and it just feels bad all the way around. At best, unrequested suggestions are usually unwelcome. At worst, they’re insulting and emasculating. People want to be seen, heard and appreciated for who they are; if you feel the need to change him with your complaints, ridicule, teasing or even unrequested “helpful hints,” let me ask you a question. How would you like it if he did that to you? Enough said.

5. You Don’t Really Appreciate What Men Do For You

On the other extreme of women not knowing their value, are the self-centered women who seemingly believe they are “owed” something. They are not grateful that a man opted to spend his time, talent and treasure with her. In fact, they have an attitude of entitlement. You may be surprised how many women stay in relationships with men — or even multiple men — for the gifts and prizes. It’s also not unheard of for women to accept free dinners, order the most expensive things on the menu and then disappear or be busy when a man tries to ask them out again. If you think the term “gold digger” sounds bad, consider how it feels to be on the receiving end of that kind of behavior.

6. You Don’t Share Your Gifts

The gift of the masculine sex is his ability to protect and provide. In fact, he takes great pride in it and will oftentimes even willingly risk his health or life in order to do that effectively. In fact, elderly men who seemingly “lose their purpose” or ability to provide as effectively after retirement may spiral into depression, suffer anxiety or even die prematurely when they no longer feel “needed.” Those two things are that hard-wired into masculine energy that they are a matter of life and death. So what, you may ask, is the gift of the feminine sex? Funny....

7. You Create Drama Instead Of Memories

As I said earlier, men are relatively simple creatures who navigate the world via logic and reason — it just doesn’t make sense to be all worked up constantly. They love to prove their value by solving problems and making things easy. They tend to be laid back and easy-going when they’re not working, and they also typically hate to waste effort if they can’t see a potential upside. That’s why masculine energy quickly tires of the drama that arises when femininity gets caught up in emotion and upset. Just be aware that if you kind of like the attention you get when you stir things up, it just might turn into a very short-term gain, if you know what I mean.

8. You Either Didn’t Build Trust — Or You Broke It

If a man is going to consider a future with you, he has got to believe that you respect him and have his back while he has yours. Inside every little boy is a desire to grow up and be a hero and a good man who feels connected to you will give his all to be your hero. In fact, he may even give his life to protect you. His commitment is that deep. In return, he must be able to trust that you have his best interests in mind also. Men also tend to strongly resonate with the concept of honor which is the backbone of the military code. Bottom line, a good man has high standards and you’ll have to as well if you’re going to keep him.

9. You Tried To Tie Him Down Too Soon

This may be one of the biggest mistakes women make over and over again. After one date, one kiss, or even one intimate encounter, women often seem to think they’re now magically in a “relationship.” Actually, not so fast. First of all, that’s not the time to negotiate your terms, and masculine energy has a very different criteria for that designation. The truth is men have an almost primitive drive and preference for the concept of freedom that practically lies in their DNA. Add to that it’s basic human nature that as soon as you grab someone quickly, they instinctively and reflexively pull away. While that may sound like men have no interest in monogamy, that’s not exactly true. Masculine energy will absolutely commit and voluntarily give up their freedom, but only after they’re convinced that you offer something better. The key is — timing is everything. Let a man pursue you and never try to take his freedom; it can only be surrendered.

10. You Didn’t Inspire Him Enough To See A Future With You

Here’s the truth: dating is a competitive environment. Every one of us, men and women alike, wants to be with a partner that makes us feel like we definitely got the better part of the deal when it comes to our partner. In fact, it’s ideal when both partners have such a strong appreciation and gratitude for one another that they both feel blessed to have attracted their partner. Basically, it’s about finding someone who just “gets” you and resonates with you. Believe it or not, this isn’t as rare as it seems; you can learn how to get better at attracting this, and I help my clients dramatically increase their odds of finding this kind of partner.

#TheGirl you DATE vs #TheWoman you MARRY

#Anticipation 👏 👏 👏

[avahuang]

Life on the page

I. MARCH READS

I read a book of essays by a rock critic. I read three short story collections--Ben Greenfield, Otessa Moshfegh, Jhumpa Lahiri. I read a memoir on learning to write in a new language. I read a manifesto about translation. I read a manifesto about women and power. I read a book of essays about women and art. I let Noam Chomsky explain syntax to me. I revisited Philip Roth and Goodbye, Columbus. I read about future sex. I read a book that traced the paths of three marriages in Mumbai over the course of decades. I bought History of the Russian Revolution by Leon Trotsky after I watched The Death of Stalin but I haven’t finished it. I read two books by David Deutsch. I read Geek Love and Blood and Guts in High School and Fear of Flying which I think are vaguely in the same genre of messy bloody odd. I read Anais Nin’s letters with Henry Miller and then I read the portion of her unexpurgated diary that covered 1944-1947. I read about how she met her second husband in an elevator when he was 28 and she was 44 and she was still married to her first husband. She would go on to be secretly married to both at the same time for 11 years. I read Fun House by Alison Bechdel and was touched by the part where she reads Ulysses because it reminded me of the first time I read Ulysses. I read a short story by Han Kang in which a woman turns into a plant and bears fruit which her husband then plants, wondering if his wife will be reborn in them. I read Foucault on madness in the back of a car on my way home from Tahoe. I read a collection of essays by Marilynne Robinson but the way she wrote about God didn’t quite resonate. I can only understand the divine through absence: I reread Tractatus and highlighted the part when he says that God doesn’t reveal himself in the world. It makes sense to me that things are in the world have no connection with what is higher.

Language is innate within us. Chomsky’s Minimalist Program “appeals to the idea that the language ability in humans shows signs of being incorporated under an optimal design with exquisite organization.” We are born with everything we need and the rest is the process of realization. The rest is just a process of realization that the world is just words.

II. METAPHOR

An explanation for why every once in a while I try to write about what I read and it never turns out very well: good books and good ideas are always expansive and it’s hard to capture that sense of space on the page. When you write about a specific and personal feeling you are of course also writing about the universal feeling, which so many people before you have felt before. Echoes of echoes, concentric circles rippling outwards into the space of all possible actions. There’s implicit history in everything you have ever thought and felt. Broad patterns can be extrapolated from the slightest movement. The universal lies always in the particular. It’s so hard to do even justice to the smallest thing. It is impossible to be literal in any way: all of language is dead metaphor, which starts with analogies in the physical world (people chew over ideas, swallow information, gobble up books, etc) and then becomes more abstract over time. This applies not only to phrases but also to words themselves (transpire originally means to breathe through, discover means to un-cover, sarcastic means flesh-tearing). We look at the world and try to describe it the best we can and our descriptions gradually become fossilized bridges that compose the building blocks of how we speak.

IIi. NOTES

“What separates a language from a dialect is who has the army.”

The Latin noun homo (“man”)  is masculine, luna (“moon”) is feminine, Mare (“sea”) is neuter. Man, moon, sea. What a recipe.

Also Latin: agricola = farmer, nauta = seafarer.

In atmosphere, is the /s/ part of the second syllable or the third? It is not clear.

The most important thing to learn is that all categorizations leak.

Language is a system that makes infinite use of finite means.

Lisa Halliday: “Casals, who also played the piano, by the way, once told a reporter when he was in his nineties that he had played the same Bach piano piece every day for the past eight-five years. When the reporter asked whether this didn’t get boring, Casals said, No, on the contrary, each playing was a new experience, a new act of discovery.”

Camus: ‘“Because,” Cormery went on, “when I was very young, very foolish, and very much alone . . . you paid attention to me and, without seeming to, you opened for me the door to everything I love in the world.”

Li-Young Lee: “in his mother's garden, magnolia, hibiscus, azalea, peony, pear, tulip, iris;

reading in another book their names he knows, and then the names from their secret lives;

lives alchemical, nautical, genital”

IV. ATTENTION

If you read a book per day you can read 25,550 books over the course of your life. Open on my laptop right now: Language and Mind. A Dictionary of Modern Usage. selected unpublished blogposts of a mexican panda express employee. A Timeless Way of Building. I don’t think I’ll read all of these books thoroughly because I’ll get distracted midway through and my mind will wander so in the end even if I finish the entire text I won’t have properly absorbed it. But who can absorb everything? Everything that I’ve ever forgotten comes back to haunt me. Ditto with everything I’ve ever decided to not pay attention to. If you want to learn, if you want to have good relationships, you have to pay attention. Attention without object is the supreme form of prayer. I’m trying to figure out the best way to learn. I read a book on that, too: Making Learning Whole. My friend said she learns best when presented with extreme granular detail. Personally I prefer abstraction. There are entire systems of rules that we’ve all internalized without ever consciously examining them. Like how to put together a sentence. Learning new systems as an adult is difficult but not impossible. The fact that everything is interrelated makes it easier. The fact that I can speak English makes it possible for me to learn Russian. Everything building upon everything else.

Loneliness comes from being unable to communicate things that seem important. I am overwhelmed by the impossibility of articulating the truth, knowing that the truth is subject to change, just as sounds in language shift gradually over time, eroded by usage itself, so that what was once correct is no longer correct. Fallibilism seems like the only tenable philosophical position. I still want to believe that anything that can be thought can be thought clearly. I want to think things through the best I can and write my observations down. I try to ask for help when I need it: the world makes more sense when parsed by multiple people. When everything seems unbearably precarious, structurally unstable, I remind myself not to panic the same way I remind myself not to panic when my backpack gapes open and everything spills out and I get on my knees to shove it back in. The antidote is slowing way down. The antidote is, quite simply, to pay more attention.

V. OVERCOMING

What does the Hegelian term aufheben mean? Varied (and seemingly contradictory) things: to lift, to abolish, to cancel, suspend, sublate. Walter Kaufmann: “It is what you do when something has fallen to the floor. Something may be picked up in order that it will no longer be there; on the other hand, I may also pick it up to keep it."

Hegel believed in the interaction of the thesis and the antithesis. To sublate is to transform something, to overcome, and then at the same time preserve. Nothing is lost but rather incorporated into a larger whole, like the spiral of a fern opening into infinity.

Living is a process of sublation: if you allow yourself to constantly be undone by the beauty of sentences, if you do not allow the topology of life to at any point of become familiar, if you resist predictability, value both movement and stillness, you will realize that the struggle of becoming is the becoming, that concepts that seem to negate each other are interdependent, that you have already arrived; the vast and implacable universe is within you, blooming impossibly tender, the constant presence of loss coexisting with the miracle that there are people who will stay to bear witness to the ways time will ravage your body and mind. You are the synthesis of what is there and what is necessarily absent, every iteration ambered in every new iteration. You are the overcoming.

VI. UBER TRIP

_______, blue-eyed, slight pulling on socks in the morning. We’ve only held hands in the car on the way from _____ to _____ the silent explosion of happiness in my chest like the air during Holi, bright colors smeared over all my organs, irrepressible. In the middle of the act he puts my hand over his throat the warm tender length of it I can’t contain my joy, feel like-- forget simile there’s just panic wonder panic silence great swaths of sound cliff and crest speech disintegrating because the emotion is simple and today simplicity undoes me.

VII. ? There was a door.  I entered without the least bit of reluctance.  Better forward than back.

[talkaboutit]

#TheGirl you DATE vs #TheWoman you MARRY #Repost from 2016 10 HUGE MISTAKES WOMEN MAKE #Thanks to everyone who has been following my post lately. Yesterday i based my write 📝 up on #Girls before becoming #Women with broken homes Today ill be blunt as ill be taking a nail on the WOMEN category. Let's not forget that been a GIRL or a WOMAN doesn't mean that the both are not into a relationship. You can be a WOMAN and still be in a relationship. Becoming a wife doesn't mean you have stepped into another stage. You'll still be a WOMAN because its the final stage of every female circle ⭕. So here they are in no particular order, the 10 Biggest Mistakes Women Make In Relationships: 1. You Don’t Know Your Own Value This might be one of the most common areas where I work with my female clients. Do you chase after the bad boys who treat you poorly and only want them more? Are you attracted to all the unavailable guys? Are you afraid to ask for what you want? Do you put up with nonsense expecting that “one day” it will magically change? If so, welcome to the club — you are far from alone. You, my dear, do not know your value. The truth is that there are only two fears in the human condition: one is that you’re “not enough,” and two is that you won’t be loved. I’m sorry for being so blunt, but the truth will set you free — even if it makes you angry or defensive first. If that’s the case, don’t bother getting mad at me. I cared enough to level with you so you can actually have all the love you truly deserve. 2. You Over-Rely On Your Masculine Energy Many of my clients are highly successful women and well known in their communities. They’re doctors, lawyers, executives and entrepreneurs, but they can’t attract — or keep — a man. Ironically, their success is oftentimes a result of the fact that deep inside, these women also have huge doubts about their self value. The problem only gets dramatically worse if they’re divorced or are single parents because in order to be the sole provider or protector, too, their entire day is spent living in their masculine, achiever energy. While that may be effective in paying the bills, when you spend too much time there, it’s nearly impossible to transition out of that and re-embrace your feminine energy again. The fact is, if you can do it all by yourself, a man will look at you and see no role for himself; unless, of course, he’s looking for a sugar mama. I definitely don’t recommend that arrangement either. If you think it doesn’t sound so bad, re-read item #1. 3. You Simply Don’t Get Or Understand Men Women who understand how men work and appreciate them for their masculine gifts have a way of kissing frogs and turning them into princes. Likewise, women who are jaded, frustrated or have been burned too many times can kiss a good man and turn him into a frog. The fact is, women are far more complex and men are fairly simple creatures who actually are pre-wired to want to serve you. 4. You Try To Change Him Or Don’t Accept Him As He Is There’s nothing that turns off a man like meeting a woman he’s trying to impress and then having her immediately try to turn him into her latest “project” that she’s going to fix. Maybe it’s criticizing the way he dresses, insulting his table manners, or ridiculing his appearance or grooming habits. Women have a way of doing that because they tend to be caretakers by nature but frankly, it usually doesn’t end well for either party, and it just feels bad all the way around. At best, unrequested suggestions are usually unwelcome. At worst, they’re insulting and emasculating. People want to be seen, heard and appreciated for who they are; if you feel the need to change him with your complaints, ridicule, teasing or even unrequested “helpful hints,” let me ask you a question. How would you like it if he did that to you? Enough said. 5. You Don’t Really Appreciate What Men Do For You On the other extreme of women not knowing their value, are the self-centered women who seemingly believe they are “owed” something. They are not grateful that a man opted to spend his time, talent and treasure with her. In fact, they have an attitude of entitlement. You may be surprised how many women stay in relationships with men — or even multiple men — for the gifts and prizes. It’s also not unheard of for women to accept free dinners, order the most expensive things on the menu and then disappear or be busy when a man tries to ask them out again. If you think the term “gold digger” sounds bad, consider how it feels to be on the receiving end of that kind of behavior. 6. You Don’t Share Your Gifts The gift of the masculine sex is his ability to protect and provide. In fact, he takes great pride in it and will oftentimes even willingly risk his health or life in order to do that effectively. In fact, elderly men who seemingly “lose their purpose” or ability to provide as effectively after retirement may spiral into depression, suffer anxiety or even die prematurely when they no longer feel “needed.” Those two things are that hard-wired into masculine energy that they are a matter of life and death. So what, you may ask, is the gift of the feminine sex? Funny.... 7. You Create Drama Instead Of Memories As I said earlier, men are relatively simple creatures who navigate the world via logic and reason — it just doesn’t make sense to be all worked up constantly. They love to prove their value by solving problems and making things easy. They tend to be laid back and easy-going when they’re not working, and they also typically hate to waste effort if they can’t see a potential upside. That’s why masculine energy quickly tires of the drama that arises when femininity gets caught up in emotion and upset. Just be aware that if you kind of like the attention you get when you stir things up, it just might turn into a very short-term gain, if you know what I mean. 8. You Either Didn’t Build Trust — Or You Broke It If a man is going to consider a future with you, he has got to believe that you respect him and have his back while he has yours. Inside every little boy is a desire to grow up and be a hero and a good man who feels connected to you will give his all to be your hero. In fact, he may even give his life to protect you. His commitment is that deep. In return, he must be able to trust that you have his best interests in mind also. Men also tend to strongly resonate with the concept of honor which is the backbone of the military code. Bottom line, a good man has high standards and you’ll have to as well if you’re going to keep him. 9. You Tried To Tie Him Down Too Soon This may be one of the biggest mistakes women make over and over again. After one date, one kiss, or even one intimate encounter, women often seem to think they’re now magically in a “relationship.” Actually, not so fast. First of all, that’s not the time to negotiate your terms, and masculine energy has a very different criteria for that designation. The truth is men have an almost primitive drive and preference for the concept of freedom that practically lies in their DNA. Add to that it’s basic human nature that as soon as you grab someone quickly, they instinctively and reflexively pull away. While that may sound like men have no interest in monogamy, that’s not exactly true. Masculine energy will absolutely commit and voluntarily give up their freedom, but only after they’re convinced that you offer something better. The key is — timing is everything. Let a man pursue you and never try to take his freedom; it can only be surrendered. 10. You Didn’t Inspire Him Enough To See A Future With You Here’s the truth: dating is a competitive environment. Every one of us, men and women alike, wants to be with a partner that makes us feel like we definitely got the better part of the deal when it comes to our partner. In fact, it’s ideal when both partners have such a strong appreciation and gratitude for one another that they both feel blessed to have attracted their partner. Basically, it’s about finding someone who just “gets” you and resonates with you. Believe it or not, this isn’t as rare as it seems; you can learn how to get better at attracting this, and I help my clients dramatically increase their odds of finding this kind of partner. #Hope it helps 😘 😘 😘 #GoodMorning 👍 👍 👍 #EnjoyYourWeek