#why is it always the trigger happy disasters that get me like this

[amedetoiles]

i can’t believe i’m barely a third into this show and i’m already this ridiculously emotional. these recurrent snippets of his father forcibly burning away dfqc’s emotions while he’s screaming that he’d rather die aS A CHILD - the cruelty of it all??? dfqc looking at shangque swearing loyalty to him to the end of their days and not understanding it because he can’t. xiao lanhua’s ploy to escape but also saying i’m going to heal you! i’m never going to give up on you! his father told him emotions are weakness, a burden, but here he is choosing again and again to take off the ring and feel them anyway because it’s her! it’s her! what the fuck what the fuck

[themuseofaphrodite]

know that you and i shouldn’t feel like a crime ✧ OP81

summary: after viewing a series of viral tiktoks, you decide to partake in the “hear me out” cake trend with your very wary boyfriend.

trigger warnings: suggestive & mature content, swearing

word count: 1k

⊹₊ ˚‧︵‿₊୨୧₊‿︵‧ ˚ ₊⊹

One of your most surprising qualities was that you were a TikTok fiend, especially since you were usually down to earth and didn’t use your phone much in public — but for good reason. Your “For You” page was filled with some of the weirdest, wackiest things: dangerous extreme sport challenges, odd filters used on pets for a quick laugh… the list could go on. Each video was a perfect way to destroy your reputation as the effortlessly suave McLaren princess.

You slouched on the creaky recliner next to Oscar Piastri, your boyfriend of almost three years, and sighed loudly, garnering his attention immediately. He was perfectly attuned to your every movement and breath, which was why you liked him so much. Nothing was worse than a nonchalant man, and Oscar was anything but that.

“Hm, darling? Everything OK?” Oscar looked up at you from where he was sitting, pausing the television with a careless flick of his hand. “It’s getting late, maybe you’re tired? You did have a long day.”

You shrugged one shoulder, feigning coolness. “No, I’m fine, I’m not tired. I just have an idea.”

Oscar raised one eyebrow, already on alert. That last sentence always warned him that something was afoot, and nine times out of ten, it was never anything good. “Oh, no. What now?”

“There’s a trend going around” — this made Oscar visibly tense, a vein in his neck going taut as he waited for you to continue. He disliked the viral pranks and never laughed at any of them, to your dismay — “and I was hoping you’d be willing to participate in one of them with me?” You batted your eyelashes, giving him puppy dog eyes, a trick you knew he couldn’t resist.

“If my mates find out about this,” he warned you, waving a finger menacingly at you like a stereotypical villain. “No posting this like you did last time.” You stifled a laugh at the thought of the last prank you engaged in, and the way it had broken the Internet when you posted it on social media. Oscar had not forgiven you, and it had been almost a year.

You shook your head solemnly, extending your pinky finger out to him so he would interlock his own in an unspoken vow. “I promise you I won’t post it.”

“Good.” He pursed his lips, obviously remembering the media disaster that had unfolded last time. McLaren had not been happy with him in the slightest, to say the least. He was still making it up to them even now. “What’s the trend?”

You edged yourself closer to him, tilting your chin conspiratorially and speaking in a low whisper. “Hear me out.”

Oscar’s eyebrows furrowed, clueless. He scrolled through TikTok very rarely, mainly preferring to stick to television, and sometimes Instagram reels, so he had no idea what you were talking about. “Pardon?”

“So, basically,” you explained, your voice bright with mischief, “you have to think of a few characters, or people, that you think are attractive, although others might disagree with you. For example, hear me out,” you started, a moment’s pause between your response. “Bumblebee from Transformers.”

Oscar’s jaw dropped as the name clicked. “The robot? You want to tell me that you find a machine attractive?”

“He’s protective and sweet, and has really good music taste,” you defended, pouting.

“Goddamn, Y/N, starting off strong.” Oscar hummed under his breath, thinking. “Hear me out, Megan Fox but in Jennifer’s Body.”

You groaned loudly, annoyed. “That’s not a ‘hear me out’. Everyone agrees that Megan Fox in that film was beautiful. It has to be something unhinged, like, hear me out” — you clucked your tongue, pondering over the various choices floating around in your mind — “the Goldfish cracker on the front of the bag.”

Oscar made a distinct choking noise, his face flushing red. “An animal? God, Y/N. I should report you to the police so they can put you behind bars.”

You swatted him on the shoulder, barely missing him since his reflexes were superhuman. “Try again, Osc. Really shock me with this next one, please.”

“Hear me out…Belle from Beauty and the Beast.” Oscar waited for your approval, and you sighed, throwing your hands up in the air in surrender. “What? How was that not good? She’s a cartoon!”

“Everyone loves Belle! She’s fierce, intelligent, and stunning. All qualities that are conventionally attractive!” You shook your head. “Come on. Hear me out, a string bass.”

Oscar’s eyes widened to the size of saucers. “What the — Please tell me you’re joking, love. There’s no way you could find an instrument attractive.”

“A bass is tall, deep-pitched, and mysterious. Just what I like in a man.” You beamed up at him. “OK, Oscar. Don’t disappoint me.”

He side-eyed you, tapping his fingers on his lap as he thought. “I have one.” You watched him with bated breath, hoping that he would finally catch on. “Hear me out, Sydney Sweeney, in general.”

Oh, for fuck’s sake. “I give up, Oscar. I should’ve known that this wouldn’t have worked. Lando would be so much better to do this with… Let me ask him if he’s free.”

Oscar rolled his eyes, pulling you onto his lap before you could escape, and giving you a quick peck to your lips. “Sorry, darling. Better luck next time?”

You huffed. “Whatever, Oscar. I forgot you were an inadequate, basic white boy.”

Oscar nudged his nose against your jaw, whispering in a husky, deep voice. “Hear me out, my girlfriend, Y/N L/N. She might be batshit crazy sometimes, but she’s absolutely breathtaking. When she’s underneath me, begging for my cock like a good girl? It’s a fucking work of art.”

You suppressed a shiver, looping your arm and burying yourself against him, arousal dancing under your skin. “Fuck, OK. You win.”

He kissed you again, a smirk dancing on his lips. “Oh, I know. I always do. Future world champion, remember?”

“Arrogant prick,” you muttered, but your curses were swallowed up by a new wave of kisses Oscar pressed against your lips.

⊹₊ ˚‧︵‿₊୨୧₊‿︵‧ ˚ ₊⊹

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

the girl next door 7

Warnings: this fic will include elements, some dark, such as age gap, manipulation, chronic illness, noncon/dubcon, coercion, and other untagged triggers. Please take this into account before proceeding. It is up to curate your online consumption safely.

Summary: A new neighbour moves in and upends your already disarrayed life.

Author’s Note: Please feel free to leave some feedback, reblog, and jump into my asks. I’m always happy to discuss with you and riff on idea. As always, you are cherished and adored! Stay safe, be kind, and treat yourself.

This lewk but silverfox

Your body is stiff. You blame your late-night drawing session hunched over the folding table. You feel it in your neck and shoulder. You sit up and groan, rubbing your muscles as you try to loosen the knots. You roll your arms as you stand up, yawning as you rub your eyes. 

A dewy breeze flows in. The air feels like rain but the density has yet to break. You remember vaguely in the middle of the night cracking the window to cool off, your room stagnant and stale. 

You near the window in your baggy shirt, dampened slightly with your sweat. It’s caught under your chest as you bulge against the fabric. You pull it free as you stand in front of the pane and blanch as you see movement on the other side. Shoot. 

Your eyes meet Steve’s as he closes the window across from yours. He can feel the approaching storm too. He smiles and gives a two-fingered wave. You lift your hand weakly, barely extending your fingers before you tug shut the curtains. How much did he see? How much could he see? 

You go out to get the day started. The overhead light of kitchen blares yellow across the space and you put the coffee pot on to brew. As you wait, you tidy the table, once more cluttered with your mother’s forgotten distractions. The crossword book, several pens, a home magazine, and several wrappers. 

You slow the pour of coffee into your mug as you hear your mom’s bedroom door. You stare at the doorway until she appears. She limps to the table and sits heavily. You put the cup before her and grab another for yourself. She mutters and leans her head in her hand. She was home late last night. 

You go to grab her inhaler from the bathroom. Once more, it’s missing. You return and find it on the counter hidden beside a used plate. It's only then you notice the blackened frozen fries on the cookie sheet. What the heck? 

“Ugh, that man,” she croaks, letting it roll into a laugh, “he convinced me to have a little wine after the milkshake.” You put her inhaler in front of her. She raises her head and scowls. She rubs the furrow between her brows. “And then another. And another.” 

You don’t even remember her getting home. You were up until one in the morning drawing. She must have been much later. How hadn’t you heard her make all this mess? 

You sip your coffee around cleaning up. You wash the glass from the milkshake Steve brought over and set it aside. Your mother hacks and clears her throat. 

“Mm, he’s too nice,” she mutters, “told him you didn’t need that. Too much sugar. You don’t even like strawberry.” 

You hide your frown. You like strawberry. You’re not sure why she thinks otherwise. She’s never really asked. 

“I’ll bring the glass back--” 

“You remember your manners,” she girds before she hums into her coffee cup. She gulps through her wet lips noisily. “I don’t need you ruining this.” 

“I will, mom.” 

“Ugh,” she stands up with a groan, “I need my chair.” 

Her hand trembles and the cup with it. She spills a little over the sides but doesn’t pay attention to it. You dump the tray of burnt fries and put it in the sink. You just cleaned this place top to bottom. You don’t think you’re that messy but it’s always a disaster. 

You clean the rest of the dishes and put them away. Your mom hollers for more coffee and you bring the pot with you to refill her cup. She leans it on her chest and closes her eyes. 

“I’m going to take the glass back now, I guess.” 

“Mph, do whatever,” she utters irritably. 

You trod back to your room and change into real clothes; straight-legged jeans and a stripped jersey tee. You just want to get this over with. It’s so awkward. You would rather your mom just take it back the next time she goes over but she’s in rough shape. It must be the alcohol. She’s not really supposed to have any. 

You grab the glass and put on your shoes. As you come out, there’s a speckling of rain falling from the sky. You go up the walk and around the sidewalk, coming back down the pavement squares to Steve’s porch. You stop and look up at his front door. You climb the steps and drag your feet to the door. 

You tap the bell. It’s one of those ones with the camera built-in. You feel overly conscious as you stand before the lens. The door opens before you can prepare yourself. 

“Hey, sweetie,” Steve greets, “how are you?” 

“Erm. Okay. Here.” 

You hold out the glass. He doesn’t take it. He leans on the doorframe and smile. 

“Crummy day, huh? Supposed to thunderstorm soon,” he comments, “too bad, I was really wanting to get that pool going.” 

“Mm, yeah,” you keep the glass raised before you. 

“Oh well, guess I’ll have to figure out what to do all pent up. Maybe a movie night? With all this moving, I’m way behind.” 

You look at his chest, staring at the short-sleeved button up with chagrin. What is he talking about? Why is he talking so much? 

“You got any suggestions? You youngins always know what’s hip,” he shakes his head and laughs, “sorry, I sound old, don’t I?” 

“No,” you answer dully. 

“No what? No suggestions or no I don’t sound old?” He challenges. 

Your eyes go round and you look him in the face. “I don’t know.” 

“I’m teasing--” 

“Here,” you wiggle the glass at him. 

He takes it, his fingers brushing against yours. You let it go and recoil. You bare your teeth strangely and back away, “thanks, er. Bye.” 

You turn and cringe at the grey sky. You trudge off the porch and cut across the lawn, too mortified not to trod over his grass. You clamber up the front steps and quickly shut yourself inside the house. You hiss at yourself as you press your back to the door. 

“Don’t slam the goddamn door,” your mother sneers, “Jesus. No wonder this place is falling apart.” 

🏠

It’s one of those days where you’re just sad. You can’t pinpoint why. It’s just a vague malaise that won’t leave. Even as the sun beams and deepens to a soft evening hue, you can’t see a light among the dark. 

You don’t know how long you’ve been like that. Under your covers, crying for no good reason. It just hurts to be. You keep your arm folded over your pounding head. You just want to sleep and yet you can’t cross the barrier into unconscious. 

You give up and roll onto your back, pulling the blanket to your waist. You exhale and stare up at the ceiling. You’re head swims from the deluge of tears. You sop them up with the sheet and sit up. Your head is full and throbbing. 

You get up, bleary-eyed, and muddle your way through reality. You pull open your door and find the bathroom on instinct alone. You shut yourself in and blow your nose. The effort has you even more dizzy. You shake your head, trying to clear out the fog, and turn on the cold water. You throw it across your face, holding a wet palm to your forehead to try to ease the tension. 

Your ears tickle with a strange noise. A low drone. Like bass on the front television. Now and again, your mom will amp up the TV but it’s unexpectedly loud. You twist off the faucet and stand straight. You dry off and head back into the hall, peering down at the shifting light glaring from the living room doorway. 

“Woahhh,” the voice catches you unaware as someone collides with you from behind in the dim hallway. You stumble and turn to face Steve as popcorn scatters onto the floor, tumbling over the brim of the bowl. The smell tugs at your stomach, “sorry sweetie, I didn’t see you there.” 

You look at his silhouette, unable to make out any of his features. You didn’t even know he was there. Your mother didn’t even warn you. You suspect that may have been purposeful. 

“Sweetie?” 

“Sorry,” you back up, “didn’t mean... to get in the way.” 

You turn and shuffle back to your room. He follows, “your mom said you weren’t feeling good. Hope you get better soon, but if you’re interested, we’re watching a movie.” 

Your bedroom door is wide open. If you’d known, you would’ve been sure to shut it tight. 

“No, thank you,” you grab the handle and slowly shift the door behind you. 

“No problem,” he calls after you, “offer stands if you change your mind.” 

You click the door shut gently and stay on the other side, listening for his footsteps. He lingers, a bit too long, and it’s only as he walks away that you go back to your bed. There’s something strange about him. Or maybe it’s just you. 

[lazycats-stuff]

Could you do batman x son reader, where the reader struggles with an eating disorder. Maybe reader faints on a patrol or maybe he just trys to hide his Ed behaviors (like skipping meals, over exercising, purging, ect...) from the family, but one day the family just figures it out.

I completely understand if you don't feel comfortable writing this. You're writing is just really comforting to me so I thought I'd give it a shot. Have an awesome day. You're writing is amazing. Remember to take care of yourself first

Alright... I'm not uncomfortable, but I don't want anyone getting triggered by this or have someone relapse and fall back into the disorder. I had to be in the right mindset to write this so my apologies for the wait. Take care of yourselves everyone too.

Summary: (Y/N) is struggling with an eating disorder. The family figures it out.

Warnings: symptoms of eating disorder, EATING DISORDER, read with precaution and on your own risk!

(Y/N) has been struggling for a while now, but he made sure to hide it from his family. Nobody needed to know what he has been struggling with. (Y/N) went to the extreme lengths to make sure that his family didn't find out about his problem with food.

He knew that they would be all over him if they found out. He struggled with food for about a while now. He hated the way his body looked and he just wanted to have a perfect body.

It has started with over exercising. Even after everyone was done, (Y/N) would do it until he could barely walk back to his room. He did everyday and when just that didn't give the results that he needed, he started skipping meals. The skipped meals were normally dinners, saying that he was full from lunch.

He didn't do it often, he didn't want to raise any suspicions with his family. If he did anything that would raise suspicion, they would be all over him and they would probably bench him from the patrol. If that would to happen, then he wouldn't be happy.

If there was one thing holding him together, it would be patrol. The only thing.

He often found himself looking at the mirror, looking at his body. He noticed his hair and skin were dry beyond belief. He noticed that he got sicker more often, which didn't happen before. He always had strong immunity.

His teeth got sensitive and that was one of the reasons why he skipped meals sometimes. It has gotten to the point that he got dizzy whenever he stood up.

All of this was getting out of hand, but (Y/N) didn't see it. He has only one goal in mind and that is a perfect body. Something that doesn't exist. There is no such thing called a perfect body. There is no perfection either.

There is nothing in this world that is perfect. Nothing.

Other problem was the lack of concertation. He couldn't focus on anything for longer then 15 minutes before he just had to drop everything and just rest. It was difficult, considering that he is in a family full of detectives who solve cases daily.

Speaking of rest, he had problems too. Sure, being in a family that goes out every night to fight criminals and protect people of Gotham will mess up your schedule to a certain degree. But add an eating disorder to the mix and you have a recipe for disaster of a sleeping schedule.

Not to mention the control of his emotions. He found himself often having very extreme mood swings sometimes, but over time he learnt to control his emotions better. Somehow he managed to do it. But he didn't do certain things with his brothers and dad anymore.

He didn't have energy to do anything he used to do anymore. Only for patrol when adrenaline kicked in. Adrenaline is a hell of a drug when it came to patrol and some other things. But the fact is that adrenaline could only go so far.

Of course, there were close calls when it came to his family, but he managed to steer the attention away, keeping his disorder a secret for longer. If only (Y/N) knew what was going to happen soon.

Everything came to a head when all of them got back home from patrol. (Y/N) was freezing in his suit. Despite the suit being good at both heating and cooling, (Y/N) was shaking quietly. He could hear everyone talking, but he felt dizzy.

He blinked a few times before everything went black right before his eyes. Bruce has never turned around faster and Damian tried to catch him, but couldn't. Bruce ran over and quickly picked his son up, calling for Alfred to prepare the medical area.

Jason, Tim and Dick watched horrified from the side. As Bruce ran with him, he noted how light he was. Extremely lighter. Significantly. But that didn't matter now and Bruce didn't piece it together yet. Alfred watched as Bruce laid his grandson down.

Bruce had to step out to let Alfred do his thing. The boys were waiting patiently to hear what has happened to (Y/N).

" B, what's happening? " Jason asked and Bruce shook his head.

" I don't know. He just lost his consciousness out of nowhere. " Bruce explained to Jason and Damian just thought about certain things.

" Did anyone notice how often he worked out and for how long he did? " Damian asked and everyone got quiet for a moment. Dick nodded, snapping his fingers. " He does. He works out 2 hours after us too, just overworking himself. I thought it was stress. " Dick added to Damian's thought.

" And did anyone notice how often he skipped dinners? " Tim jumped in and Bruce had to think about it. He did skip dinners often.

" Or the fact that he doesn't do anything with us anymore? " Jason jumped in too and Bruce paled as he connected the dots.

" Also, his mood swings somethi- OH! " Dick said and Bruce sighed quietly.

" What are we thinking? "Jason asked and Bruce took a deep breath.

" I think that (Y/N) might have an eating disorder. " Bruce said quietly and everyone was shocked by it. But... it made sense.

" What do we do? " Tim asked and Bruce, probably for the first time in his life didn't know what to do.

" We tell him. We see how he reacts. And if he does have an eating disorder, then we are going to help him. One way or another. " Bruce declared and Dick quickly went to the Batcomputer to look into the symptoms quickly.

Just in case.

And to confirm their suspicions.

" How were we so stupid? " Jason asked and Bruce wondered the exact same thing. He did. He is his father, he is supposed to see when something is going on with his son. He is supposed to know it. If not know it, then sense it.

The dad sense! Bruce looked at the medical area where Alfred was making sure that his son and his grandson is okay.

" I was so blind. " Bruce muttered to himself as he rubbed his face.

" No B. " Dick said from the Batcomputer. There was a solemn look on his face now, eyes directed towards the medical area. " We were all so blind. But we can't stay on it now. We need to look for the ways to help (Y/N) if he does have an eating disorder and I think he does. " Dick said and Damian rubbed the back of his neck.

He couldn't help it and Jason had to sit down for a moment. Tim was just quiet. Dick looked down at the floor and Bruce just wanted to hug his son, but beat himself up at the same time.

His son has been suffering and yet they all were blind. Everyone moved to Alfred who exited and everyone was buzzing with excitement and sheer curiosity for their brother and son.

" He is skinny beyond belief. I can see his bones protruding and I nearly started crying right then and there. Oh I have been so blind. " Alfred said and the boys quickly brought him into a group hug. Bruce hesitated before joining in.

" We are going to help him. " Bruce said both to everyone and to himself. It is a promise and an oath. And does Bruce intend to make sure he fulfills it. No matter what.

[skzpvol]

. . . ⇢ ˗ˏˋ THE BRIGHTEST STAR - bang chan ࿐ྂ

pairing: nonidol!bang chan x gn!reader

genre: angst, no comfort (i warned you)

warning: mentions of suicide, cursing, the entire drabble is full of hurt

words: 0.8k

synopsis: Chan visits you again. What will you say to you this time?

a/n (1): this drabble is triggering, so please if you are sensitive to the warnings DO NOT read. Your health is my priority and remember that you are not alone, you will never be. If you need someone to talk to, I’m here. English is not my first language, so tell me if I made some mistakes.

«hi my love, i’ve missed you. Do you remember what day is it? It’s our anniversary and I really can’t believe that we’ve come this far. The younger me would be so proud to hear I’ve been with the love of my life for six years now. And I would do anything to spend this special day with you. Actually I don’t really want to celebrate. It would be useless if I’m alone. 

«I bought your favorite flowers today. Hope you will appreciate them. Do you remember the first time I bought you flowers? They were roses and you were so scared to tell me you were allergic. I felt guilty but when I saw you laughing I thought it was all worthy. Even tho I tried to kill you, hearing and seeing your laugh for the first time was like being transported to heaven. I immediately felt lighter and happier. You’ve always made me the happiest. It’s a shame that happiness is gone now. But it’s not your fault, if anything it’s mine. 

«the boys miss you too. You know, one week ago we met all together for the first time after the accident and I tried, I tried so hard to distract myself. I did everything I could, they did everything, but it was all pointless. I told them I was fine, that I felt like I was already moving on, but they were all lies. I can’t help it. I don’t want them to be worried. They’ve already suffered enough and I don’t to be another burden. 

«I wrote you a song. Yes, another one. It seems like you are still my biggest inspiration. I really want to sing it to you, but it’s not finished yet. You need to wait just a little more. I promise you, the next time I’ll come with the lyrics. Just wait for me. 

«why y/n? Why did you do this to me? Was I not enough? Did you feel like you couldn’t trust me? Why? Why did you not search for help? I would have been there. I would have listened to each of your worries. I would have stayed with you. I would have told you that everything was going to be okay, that you were not alone. So why did you never told me how you were really feeling? Fuck- why? I know that it’s anyone fault, but I feel like I’m the only culprit. I know that i should not be mad at you, but I am. I’m madly angry. I wanna scream, cry and at the same time let everything go. But you will still not come back to me. So why should I try anyway?

«I’ve always seen suicide like a way to die for cowards. I’ve always thought that people who chose it were selfish. But who am I to think about it like that now, if I wasn’t even capable of helping you? I’m the real selfish because in 6 fucking years I wasn’t be able to look into you, to look through you. You were suffering and I didn’t do anything. I tried to blame you when you told me you needed me, so who am I to fucking say you are the selfish one? I’m a mess. I’m a disaster. 

«the last time I saw you, you were happier. I remember that I even asked you why. You just told me “today is a beautiful day” and before I left you said “I love you, always will” for the last time. If I only knew. I read somewhere that a star burns brightest in its final moments and I get it now. Every time I look at the sky I always wonder if you are finally happy. When I look at the glowing stars I always think it’s your way to tell me that you are there. You are there and you are okay. You are protecting me. 

«I cry. A lot. Even now, I can’t stop crying. The guilt it’s really hard to bear. I can’t even look in the mirror without feeling disgust towards myself. And you would probably be disappointed too if you saw me like this. You want me to be happy, but I can’t. Not without you. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I didn’t look out for you when you needed me the most. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there when I was supposed to. I’m sorry that i was the worst boyfriend you could ever ask for. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. 

«will I ever be able to see you again? I really hope so. But I’ll make sure to look at the sky every single night and look out for the brightest star. Because you are there, aren’t you? 

«please wait for me, I still have to sing you a song. You will be proud of me, I promise.

a/n (2): hiii, how are you? I’m finally on school break! Sorry if I’m being inactive BUT, apart from school that is really stressing me out, I’m working on a bunch of things (a long ass fic and a smau :)) ). I probably already said this, BUT I’M GOING TO SEE MY STRAY KIDS IN JULY AFTER TWO YEARS, AND I’M THE HAPPIEST. I cannot really wait. Btw, thank you for reading and i hope you enjoyed it. I also ask you to like it and tell me your opinion about this to help me to improve. Have a good day / night 🫶🏻

[true-blue-sonic]

How would you describe Silver's personality?

Let's see... There's a few aspects of Silver's personality that I think strongly characterise who he is as a person.

Silver is determined. He has a strong desire to protect the future, to the point where he's made multiple trips to the past to stop disasters from occurring there and ensure the safety of his own time in turn. Related to this, Silver has an optimistic attitude and generally doesn't lose hope easily, as conveyed in multiple bios such as his one from Generations. Notably, he shoots down Infinite's statements about how he'll show the rabble that "there is no hope" immediately, asking "Does anyone but you believe your lies?!". However, this is not infallible: in both Rivals 1 and 2 there's moments wherein Silver loses his hope ("No! I'm too late!" in Rivals 1 when Eggman Nega goes to space to take a picture of the whole planet; "It's too late. I knew there was way for me to change the future…" in Rivals 2 when the portal to the Ifrit's dimension opens despite his efforts). However, it also takes little for him to get this hope back again: the very instance there's the slightest indication things can turn around, he's back on it again. This is seen in both Rivals games and also '06, where Elise pointing out she feels Sonic's presence in the wind makes Silver give her a rousing speech with the idea she can use the Emeralds to bring Sonic back again.

Silver is sassy, rude, and blunt. In Colours DS, he's got a clear opinion on Eggman's Experience the Future ride that is conveyed in quite a sarcastic manner ("They think THAT is what the future is like? Please." and saying Sonic should give it a pass), and he similarly expresses rather abrasive statements about people who are not his allies. Notably, even Sonic remarked once that Silver is getting on his nerves (in Rivals 1). He mocks Sonic in '06 after their first battle ("Hmpf! Is this a joke? How could someone like you cause the destruction of our world?"), and immediately rudely regards Knuckles after getting the information he wants out of him in Rivals 1 ("Got no time to explain it to someone like you… See ya!" followed by "Like I said before, I don't have time to deal with you right now. See ya!"). In Forces, he bluntly tells Knuckles "Who cares what it's called?" about Operation Big Wave, stressing the fact that a good strategy is more important than a good name. Overall, Silver also has a temper: especially in the Rivals games, he quickly goes to throwing hands when someone expresses scepticism about his mission or makes fun of him as a person. It certainly doesn't seem like he is okay with letting people walk over him!

In an interesting contrast to the above point, Silver is also kind and cherishes his friends dearly. In '06, he puts his entire mission to defeat the Iblis Trigger on hold when deciding to help Amy find her person she was looking for first. I am not actually sure why he does so: I think the fact the past is so beautiful and the people are happy there helped inspire him to spread that kindness to the girl who's been kind to him in turn so far? But Silver clearly cares for his friends and allies: in '06, he is distraught by the fact he'll lose Blaze to save the world, he is similarly seen with a hurt expression when Sonic's alleged death is brought up in Forces, and in Rivals 2, he is genuinely grateful to Espio for the help Espio gave him in stopping the Ifrit from destroying the world.

Silver is honest, to the point of being blunt also... and this thus means that he is not always taken seriously. In a Sonic Channel story, he tells a group of Soleannan officials that he is from the future and gives that as reason why he knows calamity will befall a specific place in Soleanna; this is precisely why he is not believed. In Rivals 2, he is very clear about needing the Chao to save the world: Knuckles and Rouge promptly determine that this is something highly unlikely and that his psychic powers must have made Silver "a bit goofy", despite the fact Silver is entirely correct.

Silver is not always correct in his thinking, but it is difficult to change his mind. It also seems that once he gets encouragement that he is perchance doing the right thing, he goes right back to his earlier ideas: seen in '06 with Blaze's statements about what must be done to change the future, where it took an intervention by Shadow and a trip to the past to change Silver's mind about Sonic in full. However, Silver does show the ability to be introspective. After his fallout with Amy in '06, he is sitting quietly by himself, entirely unengaged with his mission to destroy the Iblis Trigger and instead wondering if hurting one person to help many others is "right". In Rivals 2 he is the one who figures that just endlessly fighting is actually against his goal of collecting Chao, and thus he turns that very goal around into a battle with Sonic wherein the victory conditions are to collect the most Chao. And in Colours DS, he is the one taking note of the fact it feels like he and Blaze have fought together before, after Sonic points out they were in perfect sync.

Silver seems to like fighting and has a bit of a Blood Knight mentality. In Generations, he expresses happiness at brawling with Sonic again in a rematch (stating that it should be fun), and in Colours DS he is intrigued to find out what the robots in Sonic's era can do (but unfortunately has to face Orbot and Cubot, making him lament that there was no challenge). Similarly, in the Triumph cutscene of mission 2-3 in Colours DS, he almost begins one-upping Blaze about how he could easily have handled the likes of Orbot and Cubot by himself, to Blaze's displeasure. He thus also seems confident in his own abilities, helped by the fact his powers are tremendously strong and can do amazing feats.

Silver is sharp and takes note of small, almost insignificant details to come to correct conclusions. In Rivals 1, he notices "Eggman" is actually Eggman Nega due to his speech and mannerisms, as well as a small slip of Nega about how there'd be nobody to stand in his way in the past and future. He is also only shown as gullible in '06: in Generations, he originally fights Sonic because he's not sure if the real deal is asking him for the Chaos Emerald (thus not blindly trusting that someone who looks like Sonic actually is Sonic), and in Team Sonic Racing he is right on top of Eggman's plans with the Ultimate Energy Engine. In Rivals 2, he immediately determines at the first appearance of "Eggman" that it is actually Eggman Nega trying to pull the same trick as before, where he is shown to be correct as well.

This got very long, and I am certain I am missing some (or perhaps even many) things. I've written multiple posts about parts of Silver's personality before, but leave it to Tumblr to not return those to me, haha. But I think these are some of the most important aspects of Silver's personality! Lastly, there's also some things that are not explicitly stated but that I think do fit his personality well:

Silver appreciates the small things, things that other people might not notice so easily. His favourite thing is noted to be the blue sky in the Mario & Sonic games which is also shown with him stating that "the sky [of the past] is gorgeous" in '06, he marvels at the desert area of that game (that Amy notably shows more disregard for, asking him "What? You mean this desert?"), and he is multiple times noted to have awareness of the happiness of a whole world: the above quote is followed with "and everyone's happy", and in Colours DS he says "The sky is blue, and everyone's got a smile". A blue sky and the fact the people of the world all have a smile are not extremely noteworthy things, but they're clearly important enough for Silver to mention them both in two games.

Silver doesn't care much about what others think of him. The only time I can recall wherein he reacted crabby to someone poking fun at him is in Rivals 2, where Knuckles calls him crazy for thinking the Chao will be necessary to stop the world from being destroyed (here Silver's response is "I'll show you how crazy I am"). What he is doing furthermore also directly relates to him wanting to save the world, which could explain his annoyance at Knuckles not believing him. The only time wherein Silver has gotten anything akin to flustered in the games is, at the top of my head, '06 wherein Amy gets the jump on him and doesn't let him get a word inbetween her spiel before she drags him off to go find Sonic.

[colourstreakgryffin]

I have a request to make. Yandere obanai vs yandere mitsuri vs yandere shinobu, with a darling reader with a pet anaconda (who is also quite the cuddle bug)also the anacondas name is noodle.

Happily will do this idea! It actually sounds somewhat cute so let’s find out what will happen with these three! A little short but that’s okay, I assume!

Lol. This picture is the only thing I can find for these three!

Yandere! Romantic! KNY Hashira Scenarios: Iguro Obanai vs Kanroji Mitsuri vs Kocho Shinobu

What a absolute disaster pitting these three together is. Obanai is hostile, Shinobu is dangerous and Mitsuri is passive-aggressive! So every scenario ends in a vicarious fight that could shake the ground

All three fall for you very close to one another, and find out each other’s feelings for you when they notice the lovestruck glares directed at you during one of the many Hashira gatherings. This triggers the Yandere corruption and it gets worse with the rivalry growing alongside it

Obanai is the first one to find out how about your pet. A big emerald-palette anaconda named “Noodle” by stalking you from your window. Mitsuri learns about Noodle by getting invited into your house and Shinobu learns about Noodle last when you ask for medicines useable on snakes

Obanai knows his snakes very well so he offers you snake care advice as Shinobu and Mitsuri angrily glare at him for winning over your attention so easily. He has the biggest advantage over the two girls, for his knowledge on snakes

Though, all three are very jealous of Noodle for the way you admire and love him. Why does that stupid serpent get your affection?! They are also very jealous of each other

All three love you dearly so they’d never try kill Noodle at all and will always run up to you to give whatever you want for Noodle or for yourself but they all wish they could get rid of Noodle without hurting your feelings

Overall. They argue and fight basically constantly over who can touch you and/or take care of Noodle for you. You do notice how bad it gets from behind closed doors, but you just hope it doesn’t have anything to do with you

Shinobu may or may not put coma-inducing serum in your beloved Noodle’s food to make you come to her for medical care. Mitsuri and Obanai get furious over the situation as they both know that Shinobu is the reason Noodle is hurt and she is hurting you for her own selfish infuriation

Mitsuri is a lot closer to you then she is to Noodle but she is very good at handling the heavy snake as if he weighs nothing to her. Obanai and Shinobu get jealous at the way you coo happily at her and Noodle cuddling

All three are very invasive and clingy, grabbing onto random parts of you whenever they can, bickering and swiping at each other so they’ll back off. It never ends until you get up and walk away, but that doesn’t mean they won’t follow you like a group of ravage fans to a Popstar

You having Noodle isn’t a favourite for Yandere Obanai, Mitsuri and Shinobu but your happiness is very important to them so they don’t really mind that much. Tho, the main problem is the rivalry the trio have against each other

All three are very manipulative, all emotionally. Shinobu tries to directly trick you into thinking the other two are liars, Obanai uses old fashion gaslighting until you think he is the only safe one whilst Mitsuri simply lies about what those two do with a few crocodile tears so you’ll sympathise with her

Won’t deny. Obanai would most likely work hard to invent a new form for Serpent Breathing, mimicking Noodle and other anacondas to try impress you

“Noodle’s a anaconda, my lov— Dokusha. He has very specific requirements for temperatures, try maintaining the cage in 60 to 70 percent humidity with periodic spikes near 100 percent— hm? Don’t thank me, we’re… friends”

“Heeeey! Dokusha! Look! Wanna see something cool! I’m gonna go play with Noodle! Are you ready— Oh! No, don’t worry! He isn’t heavy at all! He’s fine, I’d you want me to, I’ll gladly do it! Anything for you— because it’s fun!”

“Oh my, Dokusha. Noodle likes a bit tuckered out? What is the problem? He… he won’t wake up? Well, that sounds like a good thing— a simply horrible thing! I’ll try figure out what’s wrong, okay! You can rely on me”

[eusuntgratie]

what does your story tag mean? "Cuckolding, except really the reverse of that" what is the reverse of cuckolding? :) I don't understand

i had to dig around in my ao3 to figure out what this was talking about! i thought maybe it was my last rpf fic but it wasn't!

i am always happy to answer questions about my fics, triggers, etc, but some context would be helpful as i write a lot in a lot of different fandoms <3

this is a tag from voice note which is a taynick fic from the same universe as this could be a disaster.

that tag is probably not the best way to describe what is happening, to be honest! it makes sense to me but i get why its confusing. i will do my best to explain!

disaster (and voice note, set in the same universe) centers taylor and nick's relationship (more sexual than romantic but they're also friends) but taylor is in a relationship and has a partner before he meets nick.

cuckolding in this 'verse would be like... taylor and nick fucking and making taylor's partner watch. what happens in chapter 3 of voice note is taylor and his partner fucking and making nick watch. its not really cuckolding bc taylor and nick aren't together, but it's kind of... cuckolding in spirit. al;kdsjflaksdf. idk how else to explain. if you have more questions, if you're trying to figure out if you can read it, etc, please feel free to follow up, i'm always happy to spoil things, help people avoid triggers, etc.

i'll add that disaster-verse is very morally neutral about cheating. if you hate cheating or it makes you uncomfortable, this isn't the series for you. everyone is a fully consenting and willing participant in voice note... there is no dramatic cheating is bad lesson or any implication that taylor's partner wants him to stop fucking nick.

[macbeth-n-cheese]

Glowing Ones: Why and How

They look beautiful, don't they?

Lonely beacons of light in the darkness of the wasteland, those radiant guys were difficult to break down.

In definition, glowing ones —or "luminous necrotic post-humans" as the wiki states, despite them not being necrotic whatsoever— are said to be "ghouls who have absorbed so much radiation that they emit a strong, green glow," and I could've taken the easy approach and agreed, but then I continued reading the wiki, and they presented me with this:

"The distinctive luminescence that is the trademark of the glowing one can be best attributed to an unusually high amount of radioactive material that builds up in the bloodstream and muscle tissue of a typical ghoul. Sometimes, upon the transformation into a feral ghoul, the neurological systems of the body cease filtering these particles from the blood and tissue, instead of causing them to build a distinctive bio-luminescence that is a characteristic of the glowing ones. In daylight, they simply appear to be incredibly pale feral ghouls, but in the darkness, they glow with a vivid yellow-green hue, their opaque skeletons clearly visible as in an x-ray."

...And I felt like I had to intervene.

Disclaimer: I get the green glow allegory for radioactive stuff, and I know making those ghouls glow was a design choice more than anything, but I like speculating and applying medical knowledge to daily life. I could also be wrong in my assumptions, and am always happy to be corrected when needed.

First of all, it's really not the "neurological system" (nervous system, I assume, because there's no such thing as neurological system) that "filters the blood and tissue" :") it's the organs from our immune system, like the spleen, lymph nodes and other glands. And as for the "radioactive material build-up," if there were solid radioactive particles in your blood stream I think you'd have to have injected them with a needle lol, because simple exposure to radiation wouldn't cause solid particles to infiltrate the human body.

Radiation damage to tissue is caused by, wait for it, the radiation in itself, the invisible waves that are emitted by a solid like radium or uranium (or graphite...). Fabrics, rough cement and some types of wood catch a lot of particles because of their structure, and they 'become radioactive' because of that, but our skin is not as favourable to this and taking a good shower would be enough to decontaminate us in some cases.

(chunk of radioactive material^)

If a person has breathed in a significant amount of radioactive dust (the literal meaning of fallout), however, then there would be deposits of said dust inside the lungs, and the radiation emitted from it would destroy the nearby tissue. Also, if a bomb fell somewhat close to you and you survived, chances are you're completely peppered by radioactive shrapnel, so...

Now that that's dealt with, let's move on!

The first thing that comes to mind when considering their glow, besides cartoony radioactivity, is bioluminescence. This is a living being's ability to emit light, and it is present in many species of algae, bacteria, sea creatures and even insects like fireflies and other beetles. It's the result of the activity of a very specific enzyme, and knowledge surrounding it is complicated, so for convenience's sake I'll say it's a product of a cell's metabolism, that can be triggered by specific circumstances.

(Look up Aequorea victoria, aka crystal jellyfish, they're very pretty)

Nowadays, some species of bacteria have been found to thrive in radioactive environments, processing substances and essentially using radiation as fuel. This has huge potential in leak-prevention and management of disaster sites like Chernobyl and Fukushima.

Imagine now, if you will, that there exists a type of bacteria in the Fallout universe that feeds off of radiation and responds with bioluminescence, shining constantly as long as there's a stable source of fuel for them. This would pretty much explain the glowing as a biofilm (visible bacterial colonies that stick to stuff, plaque on teeth for example) of that specific bacteria feeding off of radiation, with the shinier patches being a thicker film that grew above radioactive material deposits, or just areas in the body with higher radiation. This material could be a piece of shrapnel from the bombs, a chunk of uranium, or any other solid and long-lasting irradiated thing that got lodged into the ghoul's body.

The relationship between the ghoul and the bacteria in this case would be symbiotic (cooperation of organisms from different species that can't survive when separated) to a point or even just mutualistic (cooperation of organisms from different species that can survive when separated), because they continue glowing even after the ghoul's death. For those ghouls to be as long-living while glowing all the way, though, this bacteria's feeding process would have to be extremely slow, so that could be tied to this.

Tldr: glowing ones have radiation-eating, bioluminescent bacteria infestations as an added bonus to their ghoulishness.

And that settles it : ) hope ya liked it!

(P.S.: I have some other posts in this same vibe, in case you're interested ^^)

[amyreadsandstresses]

AMY'S DALY FIC REC

Today, BBC Sherlock and Teen Wolf

*A Crack in the Stained Glass - SpaceAce281990

94k, 24/24, Sterek, Domestic Violence, Future Fic, No Supernatural Elements, Slow Burn, Therapy, Getting Together, Derek is a sweetheart, Trigger Warning for Abuse

Stiles has reached a breaking point in his life. He no longer knows how or why he is in his marriage or how it got to the point it has. Still in love with Derek, and tired of the constant pain and chaos, he begins to reminisce on how he got to this point. Speaking to Derek unlocks his emotions in ways he didn't think was possible before this night.

*Dustsceawung - flamiekitten

10k, 1/1, Open Ending, Sherlock Holmes & John Watson, Apocalypse

A near-unstoppable virus has wiped out most of humanity, and the only hope for Sherlock and John's survival lies in finding the secret location where the government has gone into hiding.

*Winter to Spring - standbygo

19k, 10/10, Johnlock, SO GOOD, Parenthood, Post-Nuclear War, Angst with a Happy Ending

Sherlock is babysitting Rosie when the ultimate disaster strikes London. There will be fear, there will be danger, there will be despair - but in the end, there will be love.

*The Boundries Of An Event Horizon - CaitlinFairchild

7k, 1/1, Grief/Mourning, Physical Abuse, Johnlock, Series 03, Smut, Angst

In a different time, a more naive time, Sherlock thought he was the star and John the satellite, circling him in worshipful orbit. He knows now that was never true. John was always the sun, bright and fierce, and Sherlock was the pale, cold moon, his only heat coming from the light he reflected.

*In Safe Hands - Hydroxyn

33k, 61/61, Johnlock and Sherlock/Original Male Character, BDSM done right and wrong respectively, Sub Sherlock, Dom John, TW: R/NC, Hurt/Comfort.

Sherlock thinks he's left his past behind, but just like food gone bad, as long as it's in you, it always comes back up. His feelings for John and the return of an old 'friend' send him into the arms of someone whom he thinks will give him what he needs.

*Bitter Nights Turned Sweet - Hyliare

4k, 1/1, Fluff, Cuddling, Sherlock Holmes & John Watson, Insomnia

Sherlock has always had trouble sleeping; he hasn't always had someone in his life willing to help.

*Colour Me In - LucyMayWrites

2k, 1/1, Johnlock, Hurt/Comfort, Sickfic

Sherlock and John are caught in an acid spill, that causes the two of them to pause and think about their relationship and what they want, moving forward.

*How Long? - camerasparing

23k, 6/6, Past Sherlock Holmes/Sebastian Wilkes, Johnlock, Divorce and Marriage, Emotional Abuse, Sherlock Centric, A touch of smut

Not long after meeting John, Sherlock receives an email from an old acquaintance. Unfortunately, Sherlock has neglected to tell anyone he was once married.

*Baker Street Courtship - Sadbhyl

4k, 1/1, Sherlock Holmes/John Watson/Sarah Sawyer, Getting Togather

Sarah knew that Sherlock would be part of any relationship she had with John. And she was all right with that. Surprisingly, so was Sherlock.

[zhongxia246]

The Magic of Suzume (Review with spoilers)

First of all, I’d like to apologize to Weathering with You because I’ve found my new favorite Makoto Shinkai movie. I can see why fans of the director and screenwriter may be divided on his newly imported film because it has several elements that have already been done in his previous ones, but I think that Suzume stands above the others for me due to the excellent execution. It offers a new glimpse into familiar themes such as recovering from grief and finding hope in your future, connecting with strangers, and combating huge forces of nature – usually in the form of natural disasters, but also fate.

Spoilers begin here!

The movie opens on a child running through fields, normal except for the vivid sprawl of blue and pink sky. We see the mysterious figure of a woman who hands her something and then our protagonist, Suzume, wakes up. It’s confirmed eventually that she was the child and that she sees the figure as her mother, who is dead (later on, we learn it was in a tsunami). 

Suzume has been taken in by her aunt, who sees her as her own daughter. I was afraid that this familial relationship and the tensions evident between the two at the beginning would get lost in the possible main relationship and the action of the movie, but I’m happy to say that the familial conflict was addressed.

On this particular day, Suzume meets a strange young man who asks her if she knows of any ruins in the area. They part ways but she remains fascinated by him (and it definitely helps that he looks a bit like Howl from Howl’s Moving Castle, just look at that hair!). She stumbles upon a mysterious door standing by itself when trying to find him, opens it, and sets off a series of cataclysmic disasters. An ancient creature called the worm, which is contained only by the closed doors and two keystones that hold gods, is temporarily released. The creature floats in the sky, unseen by everyone except those who have interacted with these special doors, but once it hits the ground, earthquakes and other natural disasters occur. Suzume not only opened the door but also released one of the keystones, which turns into a mischievous cat nicknamed Daijin that refuses to turn back into a keystone.

A quest begins as the young man named Satou and Suzume travel across Japan in an effort to close all the doors that were triggered by Suzume opening the first and to put Daijin back as a keystone. It’s made harder when Daijin curses Satou by putting his spirit into the three-legged child’s chair that Suzume’s mother left her. The cat-god-gremlin then runs off and the two kids are left trying to track him down through social media.

The magic of the show lies in how Suzume combines what is basically a road trip with the more magical bits. I found myself getting more invested as Suzume and Satou meet various folks as they close in on Daijin, only to have the cat-god escape them every time. For me, Shinkai movies shine by contrasting the more fantastical action scenes with the quiet and ordinary moments. For example, seeing Suzume babysitting and then helping out a bit at a bar grounds viewers in the world. When the worm escapes through a door Suzume and Satou must close time and time again, it feels tense every time. We get to know some of the characters that live in the area so there’s a personal investment in there as well as the fear of, y’know, tons of other people dying too.

Suzume running away though means her aunt, Takami, comes after her and it culminates in one of my favorite scenes where the two get into the car of Satou’s friend, Serizawa, who has no idea what’s going on. This part of the road trip in which Takami and Suzume don’t speak to each other and Serizawa’s personality and slight confusion at the family made me realize that Suzume would probably end up being one of my comfort movies. 

I’ve always thought that movies that blend magic with modernity like some Studio Ghibli movies or Shinkai’s films are comforting, especially ones that tackle huge disasters. Of course, Japan has its own history with natural disasters that definitely influenced Shinkai, and there’s something so hopeful in these movies in seeing the way life was before and after these disasters. The gravity of them also sinks into you as you watch these movies, seeing how a person’s sense of stability is ripped from them in seconds. 

There’s an ache that follows in seeing the effects of disasters, not only when the worm descends, but also in the abandoned and ruined places that have been discarded over time because of disasters or through sheer human indifference. An amusement park, a school, etc. To close the doors, Satou and Suzume must tap into the voices of those that inhabited these places once as well as those of the gods and then “lock” the door. This strong sense of community being expressed through both magical and realistic means is great thematically. 

Alongside communal loss, personal loss follows Suzume. When she opens the first door, she remembers seeing her mother in the space it leads her to but is told that the living can never enter it. She gives up but through Tamaki chasing after her and her stories about her mother here and there - sometimes drawn for us as flashbacks with scrawls at the edges like a kid’s drawing - we see her loss and longing for her mother. At the ferris wheel, Suzume is entranced and tempted by the idea of seeing her mother again and almost walks off the ledge to enter the door. Personal loss hits her again when Satou must become the new keystone and is sacrificed to keep the worm at bay. 

Instead of taking the sacrifice in stride and returning to her ordinary life, as Satou’s grandfather encourages her to do, she chases after Satou. Luckily, she has been through one of the doors before, which means she can go to the land he’s in if she goes through that door. Returning to it means returning to the home that was taken from her so violently when her mother died. Once this goal is realized, Suzume, Takami, and Serizawa set out in Serizawa’s hilariously cool on the surface but super broken convertible.

The tension between Suzume and Takami is palpable during the ride, and it culminates in the two exploding at one another at a rest stop. Takami lays out all the things she’s sacrificed for Suzume, like her youth and dating prospects, and it’s one of the best emotional moments of the movie. At the end, Takami collapses, exhausted, and it’s revealed that one of the other keys, Sadaijin, has been released and was possessing her. This moment confused me but I assumed that the cat helped Takami vent her negative feelings so they could continue their quest and it makes sense even if Sadaijin’s appearance is pretty sudden.

Revealing that a rift was there between Suzume and Takami is what allows them to begin repairing their relationship. There’s a very important moment in which Takami apologizes but says that she did feel that way and Suzume accepts this, knowing that her aunt’s love for her is bigger than the resentment. The point is not to push down your negative feelings towards someone you love, but to set it aside and make peace with it, knowing that you will love and care for them more than all of that.

The door left by Suzume’s now torn-down childhood home leads her to a hellish landscape full of fire in which the worm is trying to escape again. With the help of Sadaijin and Daijin’s sacrifice, Suzume manages to reach out to Satou, connecting to him through the desire to live. Crying, she tells him, “I want to live more…I want to hear your voice. I don’t want to be alone.” Similar to the protagonist of Mamoru Hosoda’s Belle, Suzume’s character journey focuses on the pleasure of connecting with others and how that helps our protagonists develop a desire to live after deep familial loss. 

Suzume and Satou escape, trapping the worm, and they see Suzume’s past child self wandering the landscape. It’s a very Shinkai thing to do (demonstrating the past and present’s connectivity and circularity) and Suzume realizes that she never saw her mother as a child, but rather her future self. She tells her past self, “You’ll meet a lot of people you care for, and you’ll meet lots of people who’ll care for you, too.” Suzume hands the chair back to her past self and waves her goodbye. 

It’s a poignant moment and I love the twist that those words that probably helped Suzume survive all that grief came from some version of herself, not her mother. It feels more hopeful and symbolic of how we process our losses and move on, continuing towards our future selves. The magic of Suzume lies in its near-perfect combination of humor, fantasy, and the glimpses of living that ordinary people do every day. 

[patchun]

Can't get Cyberpunk Edgerunners out of my head so I'll try to share some thoughts. There will be major spoilers.

First of all, I hated the show. But to pinpoint *why*... is something I'm struggling with.

Probably the best place to start is the ending. The ending of this show filled me with a huge flurry of negative emotions. Not quite sadness, not quite anger, not quite disappointment... just a tangled mess. And shows that end and make me sad are some of my favorites. Obviously not everything has to have a happy ending. But I dunno, something about the execution just felt wrong.

I think a large part of it is the fact that the last 3-4 episodes, I was repulsed by our protagonist. Roided out David is so... boring. Like, I get it, he got mods and got the same body type as the previous dude, but with all of the horrible experiences David had had with cyberpsychosis at that point, you'd think that he would LEARN, and choose not to go down the same path, ya know?

Lucy mentions that he's "following" (previous dude's) dream now, but what the hell kind of dream was that? Was it just "have a gang, and split the proceeds equally"? I don't know, maybe that was it, and maybe it didn't need to be explicitly stated, but I had a hard time justifying David's actions with everything he had seen.

That said I guess it's not like people always learn the same way from what's happening. It was emphasized that David felt like he was special, but such a mentality I don't think was adequately reflected in part 2 (roided) David, who has more or less become a boring basic bitch of a man. He's solitary and mysterious, but oh Rebecca is into him ig because he has muscles now. Weird and a little gross.

It's just not at all the same as a Simon situation, where he grew from his grief and aged. Roided up David post timeskip is... just, in my opinion, a bad character.

If he was trying to get Lucy to the moon, we should have seen some kind of effort for that, maybe a little scene that shows him depositing some money into a savings account specifically for that. That would at least have given me a little reason to cheer for him, despite his means. But we don't see that. So we just end up with a boring muscly dude that, for some reason, Rebecca rides to her fucking death with.

I'm not even going to say I like Rebecca, I didn't get much from her, but she was at least the most tolerable character in the second act. So yeah, when she was killed by Adam Smasher, it pissed me off.

I like the idea of this big bad who outdoes David, who believed he was special, in every way. But we know nothing about Adam Smasher or why he's working with this megacorp. I'm guessing he's actually a character in the Cyberpunk games, so maybe I'd understand better if I had played that disaster, but nah fam. And then, speaking of megacorps, it just felt like David could have had loftier goals! He's got this incredible military machine... does he not want to break down the system a little bit in his blaze of glory? I mean, David is stupid, he's an idiot, so I guess he's not that self-aware, so whatever.

Which brings us to the last scene of Lucy on the moon, seeing non-roided David with her. I did cry. It was sad. But it was a sadness that was equally as angry. There are sad endings I like. But this was a sad ending I did not like. It just felt avoidable, it felt like Lucy and David could have been together if he wasn't an idiot, and it didn't make sense to me that she wasn't pushing him harder to back off from the implants.

All that said, I guess David is best looked at as an impulsive character who lived his way and died his way. Maybe that's what he would have wanted, maybe he went out exactly as he would have liked to. That's not a trait I have. So I can't really relate. Maybe that's why I didn't like it.

oh also trigger can't make any good shows ever and that's sadly just a fact.

[otter1962crystalball]

Growing Older as a Gay Man

June 27th, 2024

Happy Pride on the 27th day of the month. I’m 61 years old, soon to be 62 in December. It’s been on my mind a lot lately about aging, so here we go.

I’m not what I used to be. It’s hard not to judge my body and have body dysmorphia. Combine that with the feeling that I am becoming more and more invisible in my community and add a dash of regret at not having a relationship by now and you get my recipe for disaster… a time for a new outlook… dealing with death…? The questions could go on and on.

What is the best way to deal with a feeling of loss? Is it like losing a partner, a dad, etc.? I look at myself in the mirror and I see some issues on the right side of my body. I have an Achilles Tendon that has healed after being torn in two, but my calf is now smaller than the other. My right heel constantly cracks and needs constant care, along with my Achilles Tendon scar that juts out enough to cause some discomfort. My right foot has had toe nail fungus since my AC was torn - I can’t seem to get rid of it. Finally, my right pectoral muscle has separated from my sternum. It’s an odd injury as most pectoral injuries occur from the shoulder. Just looking at it makes me feel out of kilter. My right shoulder is often sore and feels out of sync with my other one. Granted both collar bones have arthritis spurs that require shots every six months and I’m waiting on surgery. I even had a cyst on my right eyelid that was removed a few weeks ago. A week ago, my right thumb starting clicking - trigger finger. I’ve had it before…

I can’t unsee these things - they are where my eyes go in the rare times that I stand in front of a mirror. Which brings up a few other things - my grey hair, my cheeks aren’t as full as they used to be. This is the time that the body dysmorphia hits me hard. Friends tell me that I am a handsome man and have a great body. Why can’t I always see that? I mean, I don’t think that I am ugly, I just don’t get the handsome part. I’ve kept my body in the best shape that I can - even though my chest isn’t anywhere near what it was - it’s now about 2/5 inches less in size.

This brings up the issue of others seeing it. I hate taking my shirt off in the changeroom at the gym. I worry about potential partners in bed and how they will see my chest - do they think I am a mutant, like I sometimes think I am?

I’ve written about this before in my blog - I even had a guy from Facebook read it and told me that I had no reason to feel what I was feeling. I know he was projecting his own issues onto me, but the last thing that I want is to sound like I am complaining. What I’m really trying to do is to find a solution to the dysmorphia.

There is an operation for my chest, but my doctor has not found someone willing to do it - so far. I know he has even been looking to the USA. My right calf could be a focus in my leg work out. I’d need a Personal Trainer more skilled than I. My toe nails could be removed and allowed to regrow (painful as that sounds) or I continue the nightly regiment of putting a treatment liquid on it. The eyelid cyst is gone and there doesn’t seem be scarring. My right shoulder could use some physiotherapy as well. Botox for my forehead? Forget it! Fillers for my cheeks - Yikes.

One option that I have - mainly around the chest issue is potentially resigning myself to living with it. The other things may or may not change. I am going to write something that I felt when this happened with my chest. I asked myself who would love a man who look like a mutant? I’ve come to realize that I am not a mutant - I’m just a 61 year old gay man who doesn’t fit the norm of the average younger gay man - buff, energetic, good looking and full of vitality. I’m not shallow either to believe that someone would not accept me for my chest injury. If they did, then clearly they are not worth having around.

I see the selfies on Facebook and Instagram of the hot, muscular, sexy guys. Hell, I used to take selfies like that myself. I stopped after my cancer because I did a ton of work on myself and came to realize that I don’t need that external validation. What I do need is self validation - accept myself for who I am at this moment in time and live my life. It makes sense! I’m fairly good at it - I’ve planned my retirement, planned my activities including travel and more. What I have done for the first time in my life is planning travel on my own. Sure, I’m off to Bear Week in Provincetown but I’ll be with my bestie, Seann. I’ll be going to Palm Springs Leather Pride and Gay Pride, but I’ll be with my other bestie, Gary. 

What’s different is my potential trip to Costa Rica. I plan on going by myself, except Finn will go with me. I’ll be gone a month. That’s a big step for me - travelling to somewhere I’ve never been… on my own.

I know I’ve shifted topics here, but they are related. I have this thought that I might be single for the rest of my life. On side of me says, oh well! Go live your life. The other side says, you’ve got to try harder to find a man. One side says to hell with all the injuries - they won’t prevent me from travelling. The other side says it may be the reason why I’ll be single because it is not just hard to find someone in the small town where I live. It’s doubly hard for an introvert who is just learning to get out there. Finally, that other side thinks that the injuries will prevent me from finding someone as well.

Writing this out is helping. If there is anyone reading this, please contact me and let me know your thoughts about body dysmorphia. I think that I can accept the fact that I am now a senior. I just got a discount at the local pharmacy- last Thursday of every month is 20% for anyone older than 55! Over all, I have a very positive outlook on who I am and where I am going. This one little piece of the puzzle is something that I need to work on.

For Pride, I am celebrating getting older! There are some really great bonuses to being my age. There are a few not so great - such as forgetting why I went upstairs the other day… I am also celebrating June 27 as the day that there was Royal Assent on a bill here in Canada that decriminalized homosexual acts. It came into force on August 26,1969. By the way, June 27, 1969 was one day before the Stonewall Riots took place in New York. Also, June 27, 2015  was when  the U.S. Supreme Court gave same-sex couples the right to marry.

Carpe diem, everyone.

[rosavulpes]

OOC : Been thinking about this all day , since I write Sonic , Shadow , Lilac , and Neera Li as being part of each other's connected worlds . Primarily , ( I wanna write shippy stuff tbh ) but Shadow dating / eventually tying the knot with Lilac , and then Sonic with Neera Li . Sonic was originally going to be with Carol but I thought it would make for a more interesting ship dynamic between them that they're not exactly made for one another but they overcome / reconcile those differences while still respecting that they both want different things out of their lives .

Shadow , and Lilac compliment one another pretty well ( as per how I write them ) which is why he ends up with her . Whereas with Sonic and Neera Li their differences are what ultimately help bring them together .

They're both headstrong , and stubborn in their own ways . Sonic is very much a free spirit , where as Neera Li is all about Law and Order . Upholding her responsibilities .

Sonic helps Neera Li better understand the feelings of freedom he enjoys by showing her more of his world , and when exploring Avalice with her . Neera Li , better helps Sonic to understand what it's like to really slow down , and appreciate the people around him , the things both big , and small that he misses by speeding by them . Living a somewhat solitary life style even if it's never really bothered him because he can visit his friends whenever he wants to even if it's not on a consistent basis .

They make compromises for one another to make it work , respect one another's positions , and help one another where / when they can . They put the work in to make one another happy . ( And this provide opportunities to get creative with how their dates work , how a family dynamic between them works , and all that stuff )

Now on to Silver . For my own headcanon , I consider Sonic , and Neera Li to be Silver's ancestors since he's from the far future . Not Shadow and Lilac . He doesn't have Sonic's signature speed due to that specific trait not being passed along to him over the generations but what he does inherit from Neera Li's genetics is that affinity for energy manipulation .

I don't consider Neera Li to be a Panda since to me her aesthetic always rang as being a Polar Bear . For me , what she uses is cryokinesis , and since energy manipulation is more prevalently used among the people of Avalice than in Sonic's world it's more likely that Sonic's kids , grandkids , great grandkids would retain more of those abilities than his .

By time the Flames of Disaster Cataclysm comes around , since Avalice and Sonic's World have been closely interconnected with one another for hundreds of years , the Flames of Iblis spread to Avalice too . Destroying both worlds . What triggered them was lost to time . This allows for Silver to be more like his canon self in that he knows of both worlds since he's of a mixed heritage like many other people from his time , but the history of their worlds went up with the flames . So as far as he's concerned , he doesn't know that Sonic and Neera Li are his ancestors . He only knows them as the heroes of their time .

He uses what power remains of the nearly drained Kingdom Stone to go back in time since in 06' 'he was never able to find the Chaos Emeralds on his own . Mephilis is the one that gave him one if my memory of the game is right . Whereas the Kingdom Stone , which would have likely changed form due to the flames of Iblis , and what the people needed of it , would have been more readily available once Iblis chased down survivors of both worlds to near extinction .

[unoficialy-married-to-ace-austin]

If you're still taking yandere requests: #26 with Matt Jackson, and possibly some themes of him stalking the reader / having watched them for a very long time? 👀👀👀

Secrets are Made to Be Spilled

Summary: After years Matt was bound to slip up

Prompt: “It was uncomfortable to sleep last night? How do you think I felt? Not being able to touch you was absolute torture for me,”

Warnings: stalking, kidnapping, and just normal Yandere things. If that will trigger you please don’t read.

Taglist: @fiskers7136 @peachmango-kombucha @kcloveswrestling @bellalutionn @xkennyxomegax @tummyyummy @cuzimacomedian @auburnwrites

“I can’t believe I didn’t see it coming.” You mumbled, holding your face in your hands. Nick, your best friend, was sat on your left and his wife was on your right. Your boyfrien- ex boyfriend had kicked you out only an hour ago, simply shoving a few bags in your face and slamming the door.

“You couldn’t have. You guys seemed so happy.” Nicks wife tried, rubbing your back.

“Why do they always end like this? You asked no one in particular. It seemed like anytime you tried to get into a relationship it ended in the worse way possible, and you almost never got an explanation.

“Don’t do this to yourself y/n, he’s the one who lost the greatest partner ever.” Nick told you.

“I hate to ask-“ you started, and you were sure Nick knew what you were going to ask. You couldn’t count the number of times you have had to move in with the couple and there kids. Luckily it never took you more then a week to find some apartment to live in.

“Hey Nick? You have any extra creamer- oh. I didn’t know you had company.” You glanced up to see Nicks older brother. Matt never seemed to like you, and you couldn’t figure out why.

“Hey matt. I’ve got an extra bottle in the kitchen- Hey!” Nick shot up from his seat, startling you, his wife, and Matt. “Matt, y/n really needs somewhere to stay. Normally she would stay here, but Ellen’s parents are coming over. You’ve got an extra room, you mind if she stays with you?”

If Nick had turned to look at you, he would have seen your look begging him not to do this. It was awkward enough with Matt just being in the room, but you staying in his house? Without Nick? It would be a disaster!

“She will only be a few days. Come on, for me?” Matt sighed, and turned to look at you.

“You’ll look for somewhere else to live?”

“I already have an idea of an open apartment.” You answered.

“Fine.” He walked away, and you could hear him grab the creamer before leaving the house.

“Really?” Nick turned and looked at you, and innocent look on his face.

“What?”

“Don’t what me. You really think it’s going to be good for the two of us to be in a house without you being there? I’d rather sleep in my car.” You glared at him.

“Come on y/n, not only will you have more privacy but this could be a chance for two of my favorite people to finally get along.”

“Fine,” you rolled your eyes as you stood up. “But I highly doubt that if he’s hated me since high school he will suddenly stop now.”

——————

Just as you thought, Matt had basically ignored you from the moment you got here, simply showing you his guest room and leaving you alone.

Now you were tossing and turning in bed, trying to get some sleep. No matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t seem to get the feeling you were being watched to go away. A few times, you thought you could see something out of the corner of your eye, but you just told yourself it was your imagination. You were still worked up from the break up.

At around 3 in the morning you got up, throwing on some shorts and a sweatshirt before quietly making your way to the kitchen. You were planing on grabbing a glass of water, but apparently Matt kept his glasses higher then Nick because you were trying to grab it while on your tippy toes.

Your finger grazed it when you felt something behind you, and a different hand grabbed the cup. You quickly turned to see Matt standing there in only shorts, no shirt.

“Here.”

“Oh… thanks.” You quickly took the glass from him and slipped by to fill it up from the sink. You could feel his eyes on you as you took a drink of the water.

“Is that my brothers sweatshirt?”

“Oh! Um,” you looked down to see what sweatshirt you were wearing. “Ya, I think he gave it to me a while ago.” You continued to stand there, not sure about what to say next. Thankfully, Matt took the lead on the conversation.

“Trouble sleeping?”

“Ya, how did you know?” You asked, watching as he seemed to smirk to yourself.

“Sorry, I forgot to turn down the air. I know you like it warm when you sleep.” You started to nod, but stoped half way through. Why would he know that? You didn’t think even Nick knew that, you would have never asked him to make it warmer in his house for you.

“W-what?” You frowned. For a moment Matt looked like a dear caught in headlights, but he quickly got his confidence back.

“Guess it was bound to get out.” He chuckled, taking a few steps towards you to trap you between him and the counter. “Let me ask you something y/n. You think It was uncomfortable to sleep last night? How do you think I felt? Not being able to touch you was absolute torture for me. I knew you were laying in bed just a wall away, wearing almost nothing. I just wanted to come show you just who you belong to.” His hand lightly traced the ver your face, making you frown deeper.

“I don’t understand.”

“Oh y/n, you were mine the day your family moved across the street from us. At 16 I didn’t really know what I was feeling, but when I finally figured it out you had decided I hated you. I had to wait, and you kept finding yourself in stupid relationships with stupid people. Y/n, I had to watch you. To keep you safe.”

“I- um. Wait, you mean every time I was thrown to the curb by a guy, that was you?” You prayed you were miss understanding his words.

“All I did. was tell them I would tell you about their little secrets. Strip clubs, cheating, none of them treated you like you deserved.”

You both stared at each other for a moment before you shoved him away from you. “Are you insane?! You’ve stalked me, treated me like shit, and destroyed my relationships because you had a crush when we were teenagers? What the hell is wrong with you!?” You yelled. You started to stomp passed him, intending to leave the house, but Matt was quick to grab you.

He pushed you against the wall, and pushed his body against yours. “After all Ive done for you, this is how you treat me? I’ve saved you from empty relationships time and time again. What the hell do you want from me?”

“To let me leave.” You spit. As soon as the words left your mouth his face hardened. He didn’t say a word as he dragged you out of the kitchen and down the hall.

“Let go of me!” You yelled as he opened a door to what you could guess was his basement. He continued to drag you down the stairs as you yelled at him, trying to get away. The basement was like a finished apartment, and when he opened another door he shoved you to the ground of it.

You looked around, noticing it was a regular bedroom. When you looked back at Matt, he had a hard face. “You made me do this.” He turned and left the room. You jumped up and tried to open the door, but it was locked.

“Matthew!? Let me out! You can’t do this! People will wonder what happened! Let me out!” You screamed, banging on the door. After a few minutes you knew he wasn’t letting you out. You slid to the ground and laid back against the door. Your face sat between your legs as you sobbed. You never thought something like this would happen to you.

——————

“I can’t get a hold of her!” Matt watched as Nick all but slammed his phone down. “And your sure she was fine last night?”

“I told you Nick, she was fine last night. When I woke up this morning her car and stuff was gone.” Matt told him as Nick read over the message in his phone. A text from you saying you were leaving town for a while, that you needed a start over.

“I just don’t understand. She always bounced back, what was different now?”

“Just give her her space man. She will come back when she’s ready.” Matt promised. Nick stood up and gave his brother a hug.

“Your right, thanks.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

[riewritten]

31 SEMBLANCE

DUSK IN THE BRIGHTEST | chapter directory

erwin smith/fem!reader, erwin smith/you, no y/n | slow burn, angst, hurt/comfort, fluff & smut, mutual pining, canon AU, college/univ AU, professor erwin smith, commander erwin smith, non-linear narrative, manga spoilers

Trigger warning: canon-typical violence, graphic description, explicit sexual content, suicidal thoughts, mental health issues, trauma, implied/referenced sexual harassment, implied/referenced abuse, attempted murder, overdosing

Plot: It was always the nightmares, really. Entrapped with walls, human-eating giants, fighting through metal strings and swords – utterly violent, dreary, recurrent. But behind the blurry faces was a man with menacing blue eyes and vivid features; eventually appearing before you as your new reputable professor, Erwin Smith. Since then, the disaster had slipped beyond your subconscious. AO3

As you dwelled on your cries, the commander finally sat down again; his fingers continuously glided on your cheeks to soothe you somehow.

"How are they in that world?" He finally spoke again after a while.

"The two are living as Levi's siblings. Isabel, while a full-on brat, stuck to me since we were children. Furlan is very composed and he helps Levi in lots of things." You chuckled a bit despite the tears due to random memory. "You won't believe me when I say he used to hold me with affection and now he's having a happy crush on the current queen."

Indeed, that would be hard to imagine. Erwin had to register that with a small laugh as well. "The others?"

"I haven't met Miche, Hange, and the others yet but they're friends with you two. I hear them a lot from you and Levi."

"Miche… he's living a better life as well, I see." He pondered. For some reason, his voice was a mixture of relief and bitterness. "How am I in that world?"

"You became quite like your father despite having him for just a short time. You've been very gentle to everyone, especially to me, and helped me without hesitation because I was left behind for so long due to lots of things…" You bit your lip to suppress another wave of emotions. "And you also chose to remember everything in this world by dreams so you could pay for your debts. That's why our paths crossed again. You were my saving grace in that world. Having this vision was too tormenting for me until you came."

"It's good that I didn't end up too much of a bastard somehow." He finally withdrew his palm on your cheek and rested it on your hand instead. "Are you healthy enough in that world?"

"I am. I was poisoned with soup then stabbed but I think I'm fine in general."

"Soup?" Erwin repeated in surprise. "So all this time—"

"I quickly overcame my fear towards the dish when you repeatedly accompanied me while eating it." You clarified with a chuckle. "But that's why you're on the edge in that world as well. Despite some distinctions, you're completely the same cruel man."

"If I ever did murder the perpetrator in that world, would you be able to forgive me?"

"Of course, I would. I'm staying no matter what." You answered resolutely. "It doesn't need to clash with seeking accountability, after all."

Silence enveloped the whole room. You heard Erwin gulp after a while as if trying to articulate the next question. Then you realized he might be having a hard time voicing it out because he squeezed onto your hand.

"Was I able to give you all the love you deserve in that world?"

That's when you finally let the tears drip down again. It was silent weeping this time and you held onto his hand tightly as well. "You're a man full of teasing and banters but you also keep on telling me that I'll get everything I want in that world. That you'll make up for it somehow."

"Is that so," He weakly muttered and stayed still again. When you glanced at him, you almost sobbed out loud. He looks so sad and on a closer look, it's as if he's a lost child who's so conflicted about what to do. His eyes are glued on the hand he's holding and it's obvious that he's taking quite a while coming up with other things to say. Never in your life did you think you'd ever see this man so lost with his words.

"Do you want to go back?" He muttered.

Somehow, as the sight continuously burns your vision, you notice how he's trying to muster up the courage to finally let you go.

You weren't able to stop the sobs then. "I could live everywhere as long as you're alive."

"But the people dear to you are alive in that world. It's needless to say that you'll be happier there."

"You're the only reason I existed again. You strongly wished for me to exist, that's why I'm here even after using the power granted to me. Your existence is what matters to me the most."

"You say that I'm still the same man in that world… but do I actually have the ability to protect you with all my might?"

"You have. We could protect ourselves. There are no monsters in that world." You repeated what you had said back in Wall Maria.

His eyes widened then as if that remark ultimately concluded the whole bargain. Finally, his grip on your hand untightened.

Despite the calm wistfulness, he looks more broken this time. You weren't able to take it so you gripped his hand again. "I'll stay here. You don't need to convince me anymore. I could live with you here. I would love to do so."

That's when Erwin finally smiled. It was the most poignant smile you've ever seen of him, in this world and the other one. He gently removed your grasp on him and shook his head. "You came here to save me and so your job here is done. That's more than enough for me."

"No. You said it, right? We can do the things we weren't able to do before. I would love to have that life. You told me I'd look good living inside the walls as well. Then live with me." You're the one doing the bargain this time. "It's not fake security anymore and I'd be able to live beside someone I love. We don't even have to quit at all. We just have to—"

You were cut off gently when Erwin leaned in for a kiss. He held on to your cheeks and languidly glided his lips to yours. It's slow, too slow that you just know he is savoring it for the last time. You let him melt down your sobs then.

He halted after a while with both of your lips barely touching and breathing in each other's air. "Isabel needs someone right now." He whispered.

"No. She has everyone to take care of her." You begged, completely setting aside the worries in pursuit of coaxing the man above you who had nothing in this life but pure suffering.

"Furlan is having a hard time. If a man as composed as him is having such difficulty keeping himself up then you really need to go back."

"Again, you just have to let me live with you. They have each other and we don't need to worry about them."

"How about me in that world? Who do I have there?" You were shot into silence then. Somehow, Erwin hoped you would be able to pitch in a name. Perhaps that'd make him reconsider his decision. When you didn't respond, he just smiled again and landed a chaste peck on the bridge of your nose.

"You need to come back and stop me from doing something irreversible or if I already did, you have to be there and forgive me." He landed another one on your forehead. "Because you're sweet like that, my dearest girl that's holding me with so much affection. You're the one who's been saving me all this time and I need another saving in that world right now."

"But I could just stay here, don't you want that? We could finally have good things together."

"The fact that there's a world where we could get that is more than enough for me. What you did in this world is more than enough for me." He said while hushing your tears away.

You start to feel as if you're being pulled away from your body, each second ticking until you disappear into thin air, until you leave the body that Erwin is holding so dearly.

No, just a moment. I'm not done yet. I need to have him realize that I'm meant to be here.

"You went through a lot as it is and I could finally stay beside you to get past our miseries. I was dead set on dying there but if I could have the chance to live with you here—" However, you realized that Erwin's words are to be heard as well because it's by his will that you're here. He's the one who vehemently desired to see you again even if it's just a glimpse. He's the one who begged for the parallel and had it full of glitches. "You won't let me go, would you?"

"I won't. I have you beyond worlds after all. See, you have this terrible man stuck on you for several lifetimes." It's as if the Erwin smiling in front of you also knows well that he had the final say as much as you do.

He lands another kiss as he finally decides to let you go, for this moment is the last one you'll ever have of him — the man who had tons of mistakes and sought to be forgiven, the one who died and still begged for you to save him, and the one who vehemently believed that seeing you again even just for a minute is more than he could ever wish for.

"Thank you for coming to me."

It’s as if your mind has been flying away inside an abyss since then. You could hear words but they’re just playing around in the air. What’s keeping you from breaking is that last moment playing inside your head so vividly on repeat. Despite not knowing how long you've been doing it, you're still more than thankful at the sight. There's no way you'd get sick of it when you're well aware that by the time it stops playing, you won't see nor feel the commander ever again.

On the day you finally got agency with your thoughts and body again, even for a short period, you woke up screaming. Your body reeked of sweat even though the temperature was not even high. The peaceful and well-cleaned room is spinning around your eye. Every corner of it is threatening you with death, kitchen knives, blood, scattered utensils, and broken plates. This wasn't even included with your worries until this very moment. There's a lump in your throat that makes it hard for you to breathe and it's more than enough to acknowledge that you're back for good. It's your body that's reacting to all of this, not your consciousness beyond this world.

Fortunately, everyone is inside the house today including Erwin. Kuchel’s household usually takes turns tending to you so everyone stopped in their tracks as soon as they heard you screaming in the room, from words like "mom" and "I'm sorry" up to painful cries about how you want to see your brother again. They stormed towards where you are. Everyone who'd go near you during these episodes could be perceived as a threat, that's why they have to be careful not to invade your space.

It was Kuchel who spoke first, gently and tranquil. The rest waited at the door. "It's okay, it's okay. Look at your surroundings. You're in a completely different place. No one's gonna hurt you here." Kuchel slowly walked.

You can't even hear her, not at all. "Mom, I don't–" You gripped your hair with both hands “I don’t remember. This isn't what I intended to create when I—" You cut yourself off with a shaky gasp as you clutched on your left stomach. "—it hurts. Oh, it hurts. I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" You felt how it's bleeding, how it'd spurt out the blood from you anytime soon, your organs gushing out along the way.

Furlan and Isabel can't even look at you anymore. Levi still had his composed face but his eyebrows were curled, perhaps in worry, anger, or both. Erwin's expression was grim, nearly unreadable, as he followed your every move. Despite Kuchel's completely composed demeanor, this is an utterly painful sight to see as there's no wound in your stomach anymore. Your mother's not holding a knife at you because she's dead. She can't hurt you anymore. No one could.

Nothing but the flashes of memories that'd stay in you for the rest of your life.

That's the cue for her then as the pain perceived by your brain would distract you from seeing someone walking as a threat. She tried a palm on your head at first to test, but you flinched and screamed so she pulled back. Kuchel then stayed half a meter away, knelt down to your level, and whispered things only audible to the both of you. Slowly but surely, her whispers subsided your panic down into sobs. You still had your eyes shot really wide but the mind hysteria decreased. Kuchel tried to touch you again, this time you were calmer; she took that as the cue and gently engulfed you in her embrace. As she caressed your head, you hugged your knees. The sobs weakened until they became mere huffs. She then laid you down, let you curl yourself up in a fetal position, and closed your eyes after a while. Breathing became steady then. You're sleeping again. Kuchel finally halted her hands. That's when those who'd like to go near you entered, Erwin first.

Upon sitting on the bed, Erwin placed a hand on your cheek to check something, "She's having a fever again.”

Isabel is crying this time but she didn't dare utter a word anymore. She walked out to get a towel and basin with water. Levi reached a hand on top of her head though, halting her for a while. "I know that face. Don't blame yourself again. She's already here."

Her bottled-up thoughts finally broke. "Why did you listen to me? I'm your stupid sister, a good-for-nothing brat. I didn't even dare go to college. Why did you? Both of you should've known better!" She also shot Furlan a glare.

The way she's shouting at Levi is a completely new sight to see. Indeed, she tends to shout a lot but this one’s completely angry and spiteful. Even Furlan is completely taken aback. Isabel's train of thought has been crippled since that evening. Not only you who got physically harmed would be scarred in the mind. The only time she stopped waking and throwing up in the middle of the night was when you finally woke up.

Levi ruffled her hair. "I told you she's here already. No one will blame you. Not even Mom blamed you when you finally told her." He then moved Isabel's head to turn it towards Kuchel's. The mother flashed an apologetic smile at her. "Not even the brat lying down beside her would blame you. You know that much by now, don't you? You're the one closest to her here."

Isabel gulped the lump down her throat. Everyone paused. After wiping her face, she walked away without a word. She's still shaking. Her fists are clenched just as usual, so hard that her hands are stained with red marks.

"I'll buy meds outside." Furlan quietly excused himself.

Kuchel walked towards the two and patted their shoulders to say something. "Her father won't be coming back. He cut all his connections off and I discovered the other day that he already has a new family overseas. Maybe the divorce was what pushed that woman to her limits. I don't even know about it. Not even their child got aware." Erwin then widened his eyes. He's the one who initiated the search for him after all. "That's pretty much it. She's got nothing but us now. Not that it made any difference. It's been like this ever since." Then walked away as if nothing happened. Her composure did not falter at all. It says a lot about how her eldest is the same.

Then Erwin and Levi were left alone. Levi started. "You're fortunate she killed herself first before you could."

Erwin folded his arms as he leaned on the door jamb, watched your now tranquil figure then clicked his tongue. "Fortunate, you say?"

"What do you think would happen if this girl finally came back to her senses and discovered you became a murderer instead?"

"She already knew that'd happen.” He blatantly uttered it to you after all. He’s just quite uncertain if you would actually remember. “And yet I'm too livid to care, I don't think I ever could."

Of course, Levi should know this much by now. He changed the topic then. "When you went to her that day, did you bring a weapon?"

“I'm the one who gave her the weapon, even asked her to kill me. I got nothing but words. Do you think I'm the one who led her into that?"

"Don't throw questions on me. Explain what happened instead."

Erwin silently walked toward you and sat on the bed. Before answering, he fixed the blanket so it'd cover you properly. He made sure your head would be the only thing visible as if recalling your humorous exchange way back at the balcony could help in toning down his grim thoughts. His demeanor stayed dark though, utterly dark. "Nothing dangerous. Just told her she's already dead and I'm giving her the chance to choose if she'd be the one to do the final act or me. If she chooses me then I'd do her some service like the good man I am. Something that'd take a whole day."

"You—" Levi shot his eyes wide. "Urged her to do that?"

Instead of answering, Erwin busied himself brushing his hand on your head. You squeaked and moved a bit but didn't wake up. When he gave Levi a look again, the latter had to register the sight. Erwin looked utterly perilous right now despite his tranquil touches. His face was flat as stone, not even a curl on his eyebrows nor a scowl. The menacing glint in his eyes is more than enough to remark how angry he is right now and how unremorseful of what he did. He might be willing to do more, even. Levi almost shuddered. Considering how Erwin holds you right now despite the face he's having, it seems like you're the only one safe in this space as of the moment.

Levi doesn't want to imagine what would become of him if you really died. "What the fuck is up with that face?"

"She's the one who ended her suffering. Did herself a favor and died. Who do you think is the more fortunate one here, Levi?"

"What have you done, exactly?"

"I do deadlines in my profession a lot so I tried having it to her as well. If this angel doesn't wake up in two weeks—" Then his caresses slid on your cheeks instead. "Perhaps a stab, or having the nails removed, hour after an hour, no drugs involved, let her blood dry out all over her house. Anything, really. I also visited her daily for gentle reminders; told her that the time is ticking and that I accept requests. Gave her intricate details of what I would do to her if the deadline came. She tried to stay from one place to another to avoid me but I always ended up bumping into her coincidentally. I think the setup in this world is pretty much in my favor, unlike the previous one."

The search warrant didn’t even last for more than 24 hours. She was quickly found dead.

Realization daunted Levi. “I thought you only went to her place once.”

"You think that'd suffice? I'm as good as dead might as well bring her down with me. Want me to get more detailed about it?" It's not even a question meant for Levi's approval. It was perhaps a mockery he intended to voice out in this world. He's making every dust in this space right now hear how low he went and how he'd go further if the conditions set upon the girl he's holding are way crueler than what just happened. "I might've done my words so well because every day I visited her, she'd end up screaming and sobbing. I didn't even need to soil my hands. Her deranged mind is way too easy to corrupt. I gave her some gifts, perhaps the last one was her breaking point. It was the portrait of her dead son in Paradis. How he looked, how healthy and happy he was thanks to his sister who loved him so well like the sweetest girl that she is. How precious my woman is because she ended up saving everyone's asses, including that wicked mother only if she knew better than to make her existence known to me."

If something's horrifying Levi, it wasn't what Erwin did, not at all, but rather the lack of guilt on his features. It's as if a completely different man is sitting on the bed because the thing that's been crippling Erwin all his life is the same one he's lacking right now.

"All this time your life revolved around remorse and now you'd shit on me at how you didn't feel that at all?"

"Paying debts. Bullshit. Completely stupid.” He spat sardonically. “This girl's the one who paid for it all this time. I thought so highly of myself."

Levi brought a hand to his temples, massaged them slightly then spoke again. "I'm not in the mood to ask anymore. Spill everything now or get your hands off her and walk out of this house."

"When she told you that she wasn't supposed to exist, it's not a bluff to save that woman. She's the one who instigated this world in exchange for her existence." And finally, Erwin's grimness subsided. It was replaced with dread. "I don't even know why she's lying down here as we speak. A moment ago I was fighting my other self for dear life because I want her here and now I can't comprehend what's happening anymore."

"How do you even know it wasn't a bluff?"

"She's the one who instigated this world, made me survive my demise, and ensured that I'd witness everything in Paradis until the end. That's why I was sure to kill her mother, Levi. Because I don't think I'd have her again. Back then, I just knew she was dead the moment I saw her in my subconscious, and the thought of that woman living in a world granted by the girl she almost killed repulsed me." Erwin just looks tired, even worse than what Levi used to see when they were younger. "And now that she chose to come back to this world only to suffer like this: completely unresponsive and broken, I feel nothing but regret that I actually did that woman a favor by not having her dead in my hands."

Levi finally calmed down and silence enveloped the room for a while. He understands, he really does, but still, "I doubt you'd be sputtering grim shit out of your mouth if this girl's actually in her right mind and could hear you." With that, Erwin's dreadful face was replaced with sheer lament as if what Levi said brought him back. The latter could finally see him again then, the Erwin that he and everyone knows well.

"She already knew what I would do if she remained unconscious in this world. That's what took her to come back here even, but still, I don't think I'd ever regret what I did even if she comes to despise me, and I also saw something right after that woman died."

"Are you gonna tell me her mother instigated something as well?"

Erwin nodded, "I saw her brother, the one she had in that world but didn't have here, approximately a week after. He's in the form of a young child who doesn't remember everything about him at all."

Levi's eyes widened again. "How sure are you that it's him? Let alone it's because of that woman's death?"

"Aside from the fact that he completely looks the same, he's got nothing of himself aside from his first name. When I asked the foster home, that boy came to them a day after that woman died. He appeared out of nowhere, with no traces of people associated with him. What explanation is there aside from that?"

Levi doesn't even know what to say anymore, no follow-up questions and utterances of possibilities. The revelation is quite too overwhelming for him as well and he needs to wind out for now. "Nonetheless, you better tell her in complete detail about what you've done to her mother, Erwin. No matter how everyone here wouldn't take what happened against you, she’s the only one who holds the final verdict because she lived." Levi then grabbed his things in the room so he could finally go out. "Just as you told me that night, I'm neither a soldier nor a thug. You must remember that in yourself too because the only time I'd tolerate that deranged face of yours again is when she's finally buried six feet below the ground." He's in the doorway now and before he finally disappeared at the man, he shot him a glare. "If you dare show it to me again, let alone to her or anyone in this house, might as well go back to where you came from. I wouldn't be able to see you as someone safe to be close with my family by then."

Erwin pondered in silence as he looked down at his palms. He understood it very well and that's the same reason why he feels like laughing at himself now. He always had blood in his hands just because of his mouth and the feeling’s way too normal for him already, too normal that he can’t bring himself to care.

Perhaps not only that woman who laid her hands on you got an inherently wicked existence. That's why he knew how to deal with it when he came for her. He's not any different. 

"You need to come back and stop me from doing something irreversible or if I already did, you have to be there and forgive me."

The bitter laugh was let out, then. Shameless. Utterly shameless. Poor you, to be associated with deranged beings even in this life. Even after sacrificing so much.

Moments after, Isabel finally entered and Erwin let her tend to you as she usually does. She cleaned your body first and after a while, woke you up to drink meds. You've been seated since then. After her task, she sat down on the chair beside your bed and faced Erwin.

She noticed how grim the man's expression is as if he was just mirroring your face. His eyes are only glued to you as well and Isabel can't grasp what he's thinking. He's been like this ever since that happened. It's just that his face is way milder now that your eyes finally opened— she can't even say you're back because you're not. Since you got conscious until this very moment, no one was able to hold a decent conversation with you. If you're not asleep, you’d just stare out of nowhere or mumble incoherent stuff. You could nod sometimes but your muscles aren’t that responsive. What happened earlier is not the first one as well and they're all too scared, too horrified that you'd stay this way forever — gone for good, crippled for the rest of your life.

And thus Isabel looked down at the floor, clenched her fists again, eyebrows curled, and lips pursed all because of worry. "Erwin, uhm, it's been days since you last visited and she's…" Talking to Erwin about you makes her terribly anxious as if she's completely indebted to this man for being negligent all this time. "…still as unresponsive." 

"Is that so," Erwin's gaze didn't leave you. You're staring at the wall with a face not moving at all, just as usual. He lifted your arm to see if you could hold it up this time but as soon as he released it, the limb fell down flatly as if it was dead. It's as if you're a breathing doll. Breathing but dead. "Have she eaten already?"

"Yeah. Recently, I'm able to make her smell the food and then urge her to open her mouth slightly. She could do that much now."

"She's improved a lot, then. Didn't she have any reactions to the utensils you used? Like what she did back at the hospital?"

"I used a plastic spoon this time. We realized she's particularly getting hysterical at the sight of metal spoons and bowls. Odd. She's not afraid of the soup itself. Only with the utensils." Erwin just nodded and didn't say more. He just blandly busied himself by randomly picking on your face to see if a reaction would be pulled out — pinching your cheeks, holding your breath by pinching your nose, gliding his fingers on your eyelids and pulling it up a bit — but nothing happened. Isabel clinched on her knees further. "Recently, Levi told me that you're actually the one who gave him a heads-up about this. When you came here for the first time years ago, you said that you saw a wounded girl buying bandages and disinfectants at the convenience store."

"Levi decided to tell you everything now, I see." He recalled the incident. "I rushed to the counter first to pay it on her behalf and even added some stuff but that's all I was able to do. She looked so out of it, though. It's as if she's in auto-pilot mode. She didn't flinch when the cashier crew said her stuff had already been paid and left without a word. Similar to this, but she was able to walk and grab things somehow."

Isabel gulped the lump forming up in her throat, "And apparently, that's when Levi told us that the wounds she's been getting ever since we're children aren't accidents unlike she claimed so. We tried to slowly gauge her to address the matter at hand but we realized she doesn't remember them at all. On our next attempts, she said she saw it happening in her dream instead." Erwin hummed to acknowledge the redhead's remark. Isabel still can't decipher the look on his face and that alone reverberated her anxiety. It didn't take long until she started crying. It was when Erwin finally looked at her. "I'm so sorry. I was afraid because her mother had custody over her and if my mom confronted her about it, she might take her away from us and we'd never see her again. That's why Mom never knew everything until this happened. My brothers listened to that stupid remark and agreed that we should just take care of her behind the curtains. Look where it got her."

He's already aware of what Isabel just said and if he's on his usual self, he would immediately sense her impending cries — enough to comfort her before she could let them out. However, he's utterly spent right now, too exhausted to channel his astuteness. "It's not your fault. You never wanted this to happen."

"It is. We should've just forced her out of there. I can't believe my brothers listened to such a stupid remark." She hit her head with a hand continuously and sobbed. "Why did they listen to me?"

"The wounds Levi claimed she usually gets aren't grave. It could be classified as some sort of corporal punishment and it's more likely that she'd get away from it as most parents would. She doesn't even remember it herself. I'm not saying that the way you didn't inform Kuchel was right and wise but your fear was valid." Erwin replied and after pondering, added. "And Levi's actions were valid too. All of you are the ones who always rush to her whenever she needs help but Levi still tends to find her primary guardians every time. They're the ones most aware of her medical records and had direct contact with her physicians. You guys did what you could."

"But still, we could've done so much more if…"

"I don't think she'd ever blame you for that. Levi's right. Your remorse will just make her feel worse. She'd think you wouldn't be crippled with guilt if she worked on not being a burden. You should know how her mind works by now." Erwin proceeded to massage your limbs, a habit most people in the house developed since you really don't move most of the time. "Besides, everyone will really end up living with that guilt had she died but she's here instead, and so the present is what we must dwell on. You wouldn't be able to tend to her properly if you're burdened with that, don't you think?" It took time for Isabel to respond and when she finally nodded, Erwin smiled. It's a small one, but the first time she saw it again after a while. "You're one of the greatest reasons why she came back here. Thank you for sticking to her until now."

Isabel almost felt herself crying again as if a thorn finally plucked out of her skin. Erwin wasn't angry at her. Not at all. "You don't have to thank me for that."

Even before Erwin could reply, however, they heard you talk. It's a weak one. He scooted nearer and urged you to repeat it.

"Erwin… Nightmares…"

Isabel shot the man a look but he was as taken aback as she was. You never mentioned anyone's name aside from your mother and brother since you woke up. She scooted nearer as well, "You're not having nightmares, and yeah, Erwin's here."

"It's okay, you don't need to…" You murmured again, your face still dead. "...nightmares about them while holding me." As if you're a robot.

Isabel turned to Erwin again. Despite the shock, he still managed to answer. "Your words are enough for now."

Your response almost made Isabel gasp; you smiled, a genuine one at that.

"Can you go outside first? I'll talk to her." Erwin said to Isabel without shooting her a look. She quickly nodded and excused herself.

You didn't say anything after that so Erwin called your name as if to test the water, "You're back now."

Your face went back to flatness again. "I'll stay here. You don't need to convince me anymore. I'd love to…" Then your words become too incoherent to comprehend.

"That's right. You're here. You're talking to me."

"We can do the things we weren't able to do before. I would love to have that life. Inside the walls." You murmured flatly again.

Never in his life had he imagined himself to be so utterly lost on what to do. What would wake you up? What'd snap you back, perhaps a cue that'd make your mind perceive where you really are? 

After a long while of pondering, he started. "Seems like you ran from Levi's place up to here. That tea helps a lot with relaxation—" He trailed and urged himself to recall more. What did he say to you that day? "…welcome to my class. You may sit wherever."

Slowly but surely, your eyes widened. You're suddenly scared and your breath hitched. He let you process that at first.

When you started calling out for Historia, that's when he cupped your face and turned you to him. "There, there. Finally realized what world you're in now?" You looked completely horrified as soon as your eyes landed on him though. You're on that day again — the first time you met him, the moment you saw the man in your nightmares up front.

He quickly recalled another fragment of conversation to calm you down somehow. He can't afford to make you faint. "…if I get to remember the fact that I charged soldiers to death even by dreams then I have to atone for it." Slowly and fortunately, your reaction changed again. You curled your eyebrows as if questioning what he just said. It was the same one you gave him when he calmed you down at the lantern. 

It's working. "I don’t think we’ll see each other die in this world somehow." He almost choked midway, maybe due to the bitter feeling that remark exuded. Still, he continued. "—perhaps we could take that instead?" Your expression still had a hint of doubt but more relief washed your face now. Just the same one he saw when he picked you up on the road that midnight.

Another one, then, perhaps the last one if fortunate enough. "Setting an equal ground with me will not happen in that room and I'm close to finishing that nightmare. I'm preparing you for it."

"Are you gonna leave me after that?" You suddenly huffed in disbelief. "You said you won't!"

There.

"Try to look around then. Did I leave you?"

Finally, for the first time since you woke up, you looked around your surroundings. He removed his palms on your cheeks and regained his seat to give you air.

Still not done. The grounding is the next one. He asked you to label stuff: five things to see, four things to feel, three things to hear, and more. He made you raise a hand up, and more things to check on your movements.

It took quite a while to finish but when you did everything he asked for, Erwin finally smiled — the first genuine smile he had for a long time. Slowly but surely, he was able to come to terms with his ponders again. Whether or not his existence is inherently wicked, you came back here to forgive him. Like the dearest girl that you are, holding him with so much importance, saving him with your unwavering affection every single time.

He sat on the bed, tipped your chin, and called your name. "You did so, so well. You've been such a strong girl for us. You don't need to worry anymore. Everything's okay now."

It took you a while to reply. When you finally realized everything, you shakily asked. "Really? It is?"

"It is." He went for a kiss, then. A completely gentle one that lasted for a moment, something that both of you thought was gone for good. "Thank you for coming to me again."

The one who started his life selfishly was the one to let go, while the other who embodied selflessness in his entirety clung desperately.

what you wish for the commander, above anything else, is that he'd be happy worlds beyond. if he finds someone in the world where you managed to save him then what is to be sad for? indeed, he knows it well just as he knows you. he did as you want. but then again, what is grief if not love persevering? no matter how able are them to take the world off his shoulders or turn the stormy cloud into a rainbow, there'll still be a glimpse of you lurking around his windows—or perhaps on his own reflection, on the sword, even on his emerald bolo tie—for your existence is a shredding light, always illuminating the dreariest of days.

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