#why didn't shin grow up with kanna and why were his parents hiding that she existed?? what is up with that!!

[moonxq]

Thinking about Shin again but it's more of a brain dump of thoughts than an actual put-together essay with coherent sentence structure

I think it's likely that Shin already wasn't doing So Great mental-health wise before meeting Hiyori (his disappointment in himself and idolization of others is Concerning, but it seems to be something he's always struggled with). Then Hiyori comes along and encourages him, believes in his ability to become the person he wants to be, teaches him so much. If no one truly believed in him before, then of course Some Guy randomly coming along and giving him attention that's almost suffocating is. Kind of scary!! Then add onto that the fact that Hiyori is just intimidating without even needing to Do Anything (he stands with arms stiff at his sides leaning into your personal space while constantly staring into the depths of your soul).

Shin reads as someone who would much rather have faded into the background and avoided attention due to a lack of confidence. Then Hiyori proudly displays his photographs everywhere (a gesture that puts him directly into the spotlight, which would be incredibly uncomfortable if he wasn't used to something like that). Hiyori, this impressive and knowledable figure that Shin looked up to, saw something in him that he didn't see in himself.

It's worth noting for this scene below that when Hiyori says the first line, the cheerful/silly sound effect plays. It wasn't spoken as a threat, but as encouragement.

I think it's important that Hiyori doesn't say something like, he's going to just do everything for poor little helpless Shin (which would be pretty demeaning and more controlling). He makes a deal that puts them, more or less, on equal footing. He offers that Shin can do his own part, and even fulfill a wish of Hiyori's in exchange. It's a selfishly worded way to say that Shin isn't dead weight. That's an intimidating expectation to live up to for someone with little to no faith in himself!!

THEN. Hiyori just disappears out of nowhere and all of those memories get tainted by what was probably such a powerful feeling of abandonment. I wonder what Shin was feeling watching the data on the computer get erased before his eyes. Any hope of figuring out who Hiyori really was just. Slipping through his fingers and disappearing forever, practically a confirmation that whoever his friend was, he was wrapped up in something suspicious (maybe even dangerous). Maybe Hiyori was lying, and he didn't actually care at all, and he was just using him to some unknown end.

There's relief at that unwavering source of attention vanishing along with whatever suspicion and darkness that Hiyori was shrouded in. I don't think Shin was blind to the fact that something was up with Hiyori.

But he's lonely!! Shin goes from constant attention to Nothing. He misses Hiyori, desperately searches for him, wears his scarf without really understanding why (probably the only memoir he had of the man's existence). A symbol of strength and knowledge and intimidation and comfort and encouragement and whatever else he associated Hiyori with.

Also I think about this line all of the time. Shin WHAT did you get up to while trying to find Hiyori??

THEN he unexpectedly sees Hiyori on the laptop in the death game and he was probably feeling. So many things at once?? Like. This person you trusted and believed in but was kind of scary and suspicious who you haven't seen in years suddenly has a tie to this nightmare of a situation you've been dropped into. But he's described as a participant who died. And then it implies that he. Came back to life?? What are you supposed to do with that information but panic about those implications?? That this organization supposedly has power over life and death and your former friend was possibly a test subject for this?? That information is terrifying and absolutely no one would react to that Normally

And THEN. Shin sees him in person, a doll placed in a coffin, which is already. So messed up. Shin hasn't seen Hiyori in forever and now he's faced with what's essentially an unmoving corpse of a once lively friend. But THEN Hiyori GETS UP after playing a stupid prank and starts chatting cheerily with everyone just the way Shin remembers, like nothing is out of place at all, and he's a Floor Master treating their trauma as something fun/entertaining. So the bitterness and betrayal truly sets in.

This person you trusted and cared about and admired and feared and missed so much was preparing you for this from the beginning. And Shin has SO LITTLE time to process through this. Chapter 3 Shin is going through it So Bad he JUST watched Kanna die brutally after finally accepting and being prepared to die himself and then he's forced to live on and All Of This happens. Shin!!

Also I think about this exchange Constantly. Hiyori what's up with the hesitation here

Shin thinks, Hiyori only got close to him to hurt him. He was always going to hurt him and he never truly cared about him at all and it was all a lie (because it's easier to think that way. It's easier to think he's just a careless monster who used you for data and research. Ignore that he keeps a copy of your AI for himself and a keycard full of your smiling photos and a book full of memories containing poetry dedicated to you. Hiyori never cared, he couldn't have, because then why would he have put you through all of this?)

It's really no accident that their names compliment one another so well (sun/moon, truth/lies). In Shin's eyes, Hiyori really is the sun. His life orbited around Hiyori's, and Shin wanted to reflect that impressive talent himself (just like the moon reflects the sun's brilliance). Then, in Shin's eyes, Hiyori was a liar the entire time, and what Shin clings to and tries to convince the others of in the death game is the truth (it has to be the truth. It has to be, or you have to face the reality that the actions you took were not justifiable after all). Forget that Hiyori's actually the one who is quite truthful while Shin lies so skillfully.

The Sou Hiyori personality that Shin adopts isn't exactly the Sou Hiyori his old friend was. It's his idolization and bitterness and warped perception of the man from so much time spent apart mixed with his own jaded views of strength and weakness and the way the world operates. He turned Hiyori into a concept rather than a multifaceted person, into the embodiment of strength and intelligence and terror. Much like he does for Sara!!

I just feel like Shin's character is way more interesting considering all of this instead of treating him like he Only Suffered under Hiyori and saying that Hiyori controlled everything he did and that Hiyori was the source of all his problems. Shin is so much more complicated than that, and denying that denies his agency and intrigue as a character