#why did i not say anything in the tags when i queued this... ooc for me asdfg

[tvrningout]

we turn the page to a new chapter | mutuals meet rin ♡

" did i scare you? " her playful tone comes easily, yet rin's smile looks tired. coated in her own blood and more gold glittering in her green gaze than before, she looks tired. " you've never seen me come back before, have you? it must be a shock to watch. "

[razanartuk]

about me tag game thing

i was tagged by the wonderful @nothingunrealistic! thank you very much ily <3

under read more bc i was not capable of keeping my answers brief this time around

why did you choose your url?

this...was supposed to be a short explanation but it turned into quite a tale so strap in i guess because we are going on a ride. back in 2017 i was just getting into musical theatre rp and i was still feeling too shy to really talk to anyone ooc so i would just wait for people i wanted to interact with to post starter calls so i could just do things in character with them the easy way. So i did this with my friend cam, who posted a starter for me using a lyric from If I Could Tell Her. she linked the song so i could listen to it, so i did and i went ‘wait a minute, is that Ben Platt from Pitch Perfect?? (and other things too, but i only recognized his voice at the time bc of the acappella girl movies)’ and yes it certainly was.

i had zero idea what the plot of Dear Evan Hansen was about at that point, and for some reason based off Just That One Song and the poster art of who i assumed was Some Guy in a Polo Shirt i started to think it was about some jock guy who broke his arm and had an emo/goth friend who had either died or gone missing under mysterious circumstances. also i intuited that Evan had a crush on his friend’s sister but he couldn’t tell her that directly or his emo friend would kick his ass. so i was like mostly wrong, but a little bit right.

oh and i knew jared and alana were characters from the show bc cam said that they were i think?? but i had no idea what their role was. so after listening to if i could tell her, i listened to good for you and all i really got out of that was that evan the apparently not-jock guy had done...something... that really hurt jared and alana. and at that point i finally decided to go look up a plot synopsis and i found out i was waaay off base. but honestly this is why cast recordings should include scene dialogue in the songs bc otherwise you just get soundtracks like dear evan hansen where the songs have like. zero context. we really just go from waving through a window to for forever to sincerely me without like. any reason as to what is happening huh. It’s honestly not a surprise anymore that all those people on twitter had no idea the plot isn’t about gay teenagers.

anyways. cam was writing jared and she made a post at one point about wishing somebody would write alana and i was like ‘oh i could do that!’ (after i had actually Seen a bootleg and finally knew what the whole story was, of course) so i made a multimuse rp blog featuring alana beck, nabulungi hatimbi, chloe valentine and some other characters, and cam started sharing her headcanons with me that alana is trans, jared and alana were close friends when they were little kids but they sort of drifted apart as they got older and their priorities in life changed, jared was the first person alana came out to when she realized she’s trans, etc.

one night i started talking about wanting to pick a more theatre-relevant url for my blog and trans-[character name] urls were getting pretty popular, and at least 3 of the friends i made through rp had changed theirs to coordinating trans-[character name] and i think it was cam suggested i should make mine be trans-alana so i did. eventually i realized the unhyphenated version was available so i changed it to transalana with no hyphen and i have lived here ever since. sometimes i think about changing it but i feel like transalana has become a part of My Brand and i am not so great with coming up with cool names for things.

any side blogs? if you have them, name them and why you have them

in theory, i have sideblogs... i don’t really use them, but of the ones i do have, there is:

emsbookblog - this was supposed to be where i would post excerpts of the book that i’m working on, but i think i did that maybe one time roughly 2 years ago and then promptly forgot about it/got nervous about my writing and was scared to share anything else. the rest of the stuff that is there is assorted writing tips. i don’t really know what to do with it now. i probably should post all my little thoughts about em and anita and caleb there instead of infodumping on my main from time to time, but if i do that then i have to promo a sideblog and direct people over to it which is always annoying to me when i could just do it on this blog which is much easier

dearnovelhansen - this is basically no longer used, but was a sideblog i made specifically to talk/complain about the novel adaptation of Dear Evan Hansen which was about 3 years ago?? maybe? i can’t be trusted to understand the passage of time. but to summarize: i thought it was an honor just to have the story be made more accessible since many of us couldn’t see the stage performance, but i hated a lot of the creative liberties that were taken. my main grumbles are that everyone who isn’t evan or connor is done so dirty in the novel. connor’s still kind of done dirty in the book, but not as much as like. heidi, alana, jared, and zoe are.

horseisle3 - this one was meant to be a place where i could just enthusiastically post screenshots from hi3, but instead it turned into a blog where i occasionally reblog other players’ hi3 content and bitch about how bad the game admins are bc hi3 is the tumblr famous (infamous?) homophobic horse game. the game where it was once okay to call your club store the gulag bc according to their head of hr, ‘it’s just a russian word for prison’ but you can’t say ‘im gay’ without somebody accusing you of corrupting young children who play the game. unfortunately there aren’t very many good interactive horse games out there, so this one is still about as good as it gets. it’s either that or star stable and i don’t care about star stable.

mlaenie - i’ve had this url saved for i don’t even know how long. way way way back in the day when i wanted to escape from the clutches of the onceler fandom i abandoned my first blog where i basically had an alter ego i guess?? and i decided to just be myself on the new blog. i don’t fully remember who came up with it, but one of my sister’s mutuals suggested that if you scrambled the letters in your name you could come up with aesthetic-looking urls. so lauren’s url became lrauen, and to match with her mine became mlaenie, which i abandoned on tumblr after about a year or so? but have continued to use as my main username on twitter, reddit, youtube, xbox, steam, and discord. i barely ever use any of these accounts aside from twitter, steam, and xbox, but yeah. so i’ve decided to try and turn this empty sideblog into a place for video game thoughts maybe. we’ll see how long it lasts this time around.

how long have you been on tumblr?

i made my first tumblr account in december of 2010, but i didn’t understand how to use it at all or how to customize my theme to look cool and unique so i quickly abandoned it. i made a new account in september of 2011 after some kids at school and my sister told me i should and i have been trapped here with varying degrees of activity/inactivity ever since. i have witnessed the rise and fall of the lorax/onceler fandom, hyperfocused on lord of the rings, star wars and back to the future all at the same time, and for the past 4 years i’ve mostly been a musical theatre blog with assorted other fandom stuff mixed in. i feel i have seen everything and nothing, but mostly i’m just tired and bored.

do you have a queue tag?

no bc i don’t use a queue. i’ve tried using it in the past but i irrationally feel pressured to sustain a coherent theme to queued posts and my brain simply does not vibe with that so i just don’t use it at all anymore. Instead i instantly reblog or post several unrelated thoughts in succession and then don’t post again at all for 3 days. the way god intended

why did you start your blog in the first place?

my very first blog was intended to be a place for me to post all of my petz 5 animals’ profile info, but i didn’t have any understanding of how coding worked at all and i don’t think i really wanted to learn, either. so it just sat there, unused. my second attempt at blogging was as a classic rock fandom person, so as you can probably imagine i was pretty pretentious about ‘modern pop’ vs the beatles, the rolling stones, the who, the monkees, and so on. and then i slowly devolved into a lorax fandom blog and everything went to shit so i made a new blog for lord of the rings/the hobbit which later evolved to include star wars and back to the future blogging. and then for the past 4 years i’ve been mainly a musical theatre blog with other random stuff i like thrown haphazardly into the pot. wonderful.

why did you choose your icon/pfp?

because my url is transalana and two of my most prominent lgbt headcanons are that alana beck is trans and a lesbian. i gotta be shouting out @kinqmike though bc she’s the one i adopted the trans alana beck headcanon from in the first place!

why did you choose your header?

in 2017 i was hyperfixating on Dear Evan Hansen (and Be More Chill, but there weren’t many gif-able videos then considering it ran for a month in New Jersey in 2015 and there was only one yet-to-resurface 35 minute bootleg) so i just grabbed a random gif off of google. i really should get to replacing it with a new header of my own though. i just don’t know what i should do for it.

what’s your post with the most notes?

i have lost track of how many notes it has (i think it’s somewhere around 200 now?) but when Will Roland and George Salazar performed Two Player Game on Good Morning America, i posted a screencap of their Jeremy and Michael along with that one quiz answer meme that says stuff like ‘i want to see it grow up healthy’. i didn’t tag it with any ship names or anything because i was anxious about having it show up in the tags, but somebody who reblogged it from me did tag it as boyf riends and i firmly believe it took off because of that. i don’t think i make posts that are relevant enough to amass thousands of notes, even by accident. which is probably a good thing bc if i did i would have to block so many of them.

how many followers do you have?

on this blog? 175 according to the counter. how many of those are still real people and how many are bots and abandoned accounts? i have no idea.

how many people do you follow?

i try to keep it somewhere around 200. i think i’m sitting at 180 right now but i kind of need to go through and clear out the really inactive blogs.

have you made a shitpost?

let’s think about this for a second. i’ve been on tumblr for nearly 10 years. you might even be able to say i’ve made more than one. they’re just not what you would call...popular shitposts.

how do you feel about ‘you need to reblog this’ post?

that stuff makes me so incredibly anxious that i have to fight the urge to want to yeet my laptop or mobile device through the closest window whenever i read it, so i try very hard to avoid any sort of ‘if you don’t reblog this, i’m judging you’ posts. i find them very manipulative and not particularly helpful

do you like tag games?

yeah babey!! i just frequently forget to do them, but please know that if you have ever tagged me in a tag game i felt incredibly touched by the gesture and the @mention even if i completely forgot to do the thing afterward

do you like ask games?

i do! but also rip to literally anyone who has ever sent me an ask meme bc it takes me so long to answer them. i’m still working on a micro fic prompt from a few weeks ago. also, horrified to realized that it has in fact been a few weeks and not 3 days anymore.

which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

i don’t know that any are tumblr famous as a whole. but probably @neverheardnothing

do you have a crush on a mutual?

in any sort of romantic connotation? no. not that i’m aware of. there are mutuals that i have friend crushes on where i want to be friends with them but i get so anxious when it comes to meeting new people that usually nothing ever comes of it. i’m really not good at small talk or other casual conversation either which, as you may or may not be able to imagine, sucks. i just wanna skip over all of the awkward introductions and ‘hey how are you, how is life, what are you doing with yourself?’ stuff. not because i don’t care about it. i do, but i think most of my friends/the people i want to be my friends are also depressed and anxious so asking these basic questions about life tends to uh. make us all nervous. and i don’t do much with my life so i always have the most boring answers anyways.

i’m not tagging anyone officially bc the @ thing has just completely given up on me at this point, but if you want to do it, go for it. and then say i tagged you so i can read it c:

[edenslostwallflower]

well i figured out there's a tag limit so i'm gonna  repost that entire mess as it's own thing if anyone wants to read it. it's in response to the post i just reblogged. if anyone wants the 2 gil of a female OC

Saying this stuff is usually not gonna change anything, but speaking as a female OC on this site since 2012... it's nice to see when other people get it. I've been here for 8 years, you wanna know how many followers I have? About 53. I've never even gotten in the ballpark of 100. And only about the first page of those followers are active anymore. I can't even fathom people who have like 300 or more people following them. Cause I no longer believe more than a handful of people would ever be interested in me. And it's something I've learned to just settle with.

I'm gonna be passed over all the time. Back burnered. Especially if the other person’s blog is popular with hundreds of followers and always getting asks. That's just how it is. IDK if anyone's noticed but if you look at my blog for the past few months, it's mostly me talking to myself. Because if I don't keep myself entertained on here despite being mostly ignored, Leanna would have gone inactive back in 2013 and I wouldn't have touched her blog since. 

And it makes me super grateful to the people who do notice my blog, and actively interact with it. Like dang I'm being noticed, this is so nice. Even if it's just a like on some post I made, I'm just 'wow someone saw me on their dash and went 'yes, I like what this nerd is doing.'

Which feels great because I constantly feel like I’m doing something wrong and that’s why no one bothers with me. 

This character is 15 years of development (I wrote her for FF7: AC when it came out) and it feels amazing when other people notice it.

And I don't wanna be ungrateful but I do wish I could get more people interested. Like a constant group of people who are always there and actively interacting with my blog. Because I know I have so much to offer writing and OOC wise.. but it feels like no one else sees it.

But again.. I'm used to it. I have to be, otherwise I wouldn't be here.

And sometimes I can't even follow like.. other female OCs, especially if they get an abundance of attention cause I get SO salty. It's not their fault but I sit here being latched onto by the envy monster like 'what cheat code did u use to get people interested.' And I just feel like I'm stuck on the other side of this big playground by myself because no one's interested in what I have to offer 

I reblog my plotting call about 3 times a day, and those memes I reblog were actually from me sitting down weeks prior to when it posted and having it queued up to that specific day at that specific time. That usually takes a few hours to set up and schedule. And I do it because I hope someone will find something interesting in one of them and send it in. Because that one small action just makes my ENTIRE day. You might just be throwing a headcanon meme at me but on my end I'm reading it as someone who's interested or at least allowing me to talk about some aspect of Leanna I haven't gotten a chance to. 

Like be more attentive to female OC blogs. Don’t just say or reblog posts talking about stanning them if you don’t actually live up to it. If you find a blog and go down their dash for a little bit and see they’re just talking to themselves and all their posts have 0 notes and they’re reblogging memes constantly just......... actually interact with it. Pick a symbol and throw it at them cause it’ll make them so happy... Or maybe I’m just speaking from my own experience IDK. I get sad going down my blog and seeing all my posts I make that don’t get any recognition and my memes that never get sent in... it hurts and it’s really exhausting.

And even if I should have learned my lesson, every time someone follows me I like zero in on that number and go ‘Yay! A person who’s interested in writing with me!!’ and then they just turn into a silent follower like ‘hhhhhhhhhhhh ok i guess. i hope you at least enjoy my aesthetic posts or something.’

Some people have even messaged me telling me like 'oh I get what you're feeling but you should really try to reach out to people then and put yourself out there.' Like I’ve actually gotten anon people telling me this if I ever have the gall to complain about how my blog is treated. 

Ok, How, Susan? Please give me a step by step guide on ‘How To Put Yourself Out There’ cause I must be doing something wrong. And I'm just 'that sounds great but what do I do if I try say 50 times and get back burnered/pushed aside 46 of those times and the other 4 go inactive shortly after contacting. Do I just do that all over again? And if it repeats itself, am I expected to just keep trying over and over? Am I always expected to be the one busting my ass for a shred of interaction from people who aren’t giving me the time of day of their own accord? Is putting myself out there meaning I send in memes and like starter calls and plotting calls and never get anything returned? That I give and give and give so much and only hope for even an ounce in return? Every single time I come back from a break? Which I take like 15 times a year because no one is interacting with my blog (there’s a horrible cycle there innit) ..What if I'm...tired. And getting more tired every time the cycle starts over.'

Like.. I get tired. I get really... tired of trying so hard and getting next to nothing in return. But I log on every day and ignore all that so I can have a good time. At least for today. And then I go to bed and wake up tomorrow. And do it all over again.