#why couldn't you have scolded me for being the selfish leech i am

[angeltism]

I don't even know what to think. I'm trying so fucking desperately to convince myself that I mattered, and yet, what happened didn't. I swear to god it's like I'm on my knees crying begging for another fucking chance to talk, to explain, when I realistically know nothing was going to change. I don't know what I want all I know is this fucking sucks. I want to convince myself I meant nothing, it's so easy to be angry that way and put the blame onto a single thing. It'd be so easy to just say I was never loved, never cared about anyways, and that's why it didn't work. That's why I had to hurt so much. But that's an accusation that would have no facts behind it. All the facts point to "you tried, you both did, nothing you can do" but that. That hurts. Plus, if I did mean something, why did most of my unhappiness have to happen anyways? If I mattered then it should have been enough, right? Then 50% of the pain I had would have not even existed, right? If I just. Mattered enough. But I don't. I never have. But then again, isn't it heartless to make such accusations? Just claiming that despite all the trying that was obviously done, it wasn't enough to make me feel loved? Then that kinda reverses this, so I'm no longer the person who "wasn't enough", and that isn't what I want to convey. I don't want others to feel that way. Ugh. Random words, provided by yours truly while I am shaking and trying not to cry because life is so fucking confusing. Yay!

I guess part of me just wants to know that it wasn't one-sided ?