#why am i getting so fucked over on Court of the Corpse King

[cosmicplating]

Drawing ULTRAKILL things until I P-Rank every boss fight day 1

[thereallycoolmonsterithoughtup]

do u have any ocs ud like to tell me abt ... miauuu

heehee.., i have a

im putting this under a readmore

ok me amd my friemds made up a dunmeshi party and we have sorta ocs sorta self inserts ... mine isnt that much of a self insert though ☝️

so ok since marci lives in fantasy italy she lives there too but like closer to the coast . . marci's mom is a court mage so im pretty sure its ruled by a king and . so the monarchy is real

ghis is the best picture i have of her UUHH her name is jocelyn famuli 👍 shes a cat but she was born this way (lady gaga) because theres a coven of elves in the woods next 2 the village where she lives that basically do ancient magic in Secret and they help out the village people with things so that they dont . tell anyone lol

one time a lot of people were DYING so they made like 20 beastkin cause like "fuck im out of blood pass me the Big Cat" (this makes sense trust me) so then the beastkin . had children .. and now theres cat people in the village (this makes sense trust me)

ok so she went 2 join the army cause thats what tallmen do they go to war and they die and her one goal in life is to serve someone like she doesnt know what to do by herself so she needs someone she can have blind faith in and the king is right there! yay cant wait to die on the battlefield! but then she goes to her first Real Battle and she starts thinking wait why am i doing all this for the king he kinda sucks. what are we going to war over anyways? control over the coast? im out of here

so where does she run off to???? The Coven... In The Woods................... she stays there and learns ancient magic but why would she know that its illegal . i have lore about the coven but this post is kindof long ok. anyways at one point she leaves to go dungeon crawling i forgot why she left. she just joins and leaves parties cause she doesnt like them and kinda makes her way towards the island .. anyways she finds out about dungeon lords so she decides to look for a party leader that wants to be a dungeon lord cause thats someone you can have blind faith in ! and thats when she joins The Party With The Friends

they dont make it to the demon and i think they end up with the orcs later .. anyways uhh after the dungeon explodes im pretty sure she gets arrested Lol ! Xd !

um um the sword is living armor she stole from the corpse of a guy in a dungeon but she just thinks its cursed . it conducts mana well (cause theres a whole guy living in it wtf!) so she uses it as a staff (this makes sense trust me) also she made a fairy when she was in the coven but it doesnt work that well cause she gave it too much blood . and uh her specialty is necromancy but she learned NORMAL spells when she found out ancient magic was illegal

ueah 👍

[rainydaymiddleearthimagines]

What about Aragorn x witch reader? The night of Helms Deep battle she helps Aragorn put on his armor and get ready and she tells Aragorn she will keep him safe and assure him that they will survive? Aragorn was everyone's emotional support that night the man needs someone to do the same for him🥺

This request is so cool! Let’s do this!

You were a bit of an odd case amongst the court of Théoden. The man had been ill, years prior to everything that was going on now. You had saved his life with an unconventional remedy and the man started asking you for more assistance. Or at least this was the story everyone was told. Your days amongst his court were typically very pleasant though. This however was one of the worst days of your life. The man that you had spent multiple years helping had betrayed you and stuck you in the dungeons. 

You paced when you were bored and when your legs were too tired you sat. Éowyn was the only thing keeping you alive, you being too frail now to even function. Fucking Grima allowed Saruman to seep into Théoden’s mind, poisoning his boy and soul. 

You laid on the floor, clinging to the only crack of sunlight you could find, unaware that Gandalf was there now with the future heroes of Middle Earth. You coughed, sick from the lack of basic human needs and struggling to remain alive. In one last poor attempt to fight you said “help”. You weren’t expecting an answer.

Gandalf turned, looking around. “Is there something wrong Gandalf?” Legolas asked. “Do you have a wizard in your court?” Gandalf asked Théoden who was now well and alive. Théoden’s eyes widened and Éowyn took off in the direction of the dungeons. The group all followed her, finding you barely breathing. “My gods.” Théoden gaped at the sight of you chained to the wall, eyes tired, skin pale. “Get this woman some water!” Gandalf demanded. A guard ran over with a pitcher of water. “It’s Grima he let--” “We know...” “Saruman has betrayed us all” “We know.” Éowyn soothed, you leaning against her. “I’m so sorry Lady Y/n.” Théoden said. “I should apologize to you my king... I let you fall into the hands of Grima, I should have been more vigilant.” You muttered. Aragorn looked in your eyes, you meeting his gaze. You seemed exhausted just by the mere act of standing. 

“Sir Aragorn can you take her to the-” Aragorn needed no further instruction, lifting you up. He walked to the healers, you still in his arms. “I’ve seen you before.” you muttered, groggily. “I do not recall when we have met.” Aragorn said. “It was not a meeting... It was a vision.” You muttered. Aragorn tensed. “You are Isildur’s-” “No. You’re mistaken, my lady.” He halted. 

Hours passed before you joined everyone in the main hall again. “Lady Y/n, it is good to see you recovered.” Théoden said as you walked. Aragorn was shocked at the sight of you. No longer were you frail, no longer were you pale and close to death, you were beautiful. Your hair was pulled back but you were a dress similar to Éowyn but it was blue, reminding Aragorn of Arwen. You stood up straight, bowing to the king. “Now for a proper introduction. This is Lady Y/n L/n of Rohan. She is our court mage.” Theoden introduced. “I do not deserve such a warm welcome your majesty.” you said softly. “Nonsense. She’s more of a daughter to me than an assistant.” Théoden said. “You speak more kindly than I deserve.” You muttered. “Y/n, where is this coming from?” Eowyn asked. “I should’ve done more than what I did to keep Grima away from the both of you.” you muttered. Aragorn noticed your eyes, sad as they looked forward. “My dear girl, an army couldn’t have swayed my way once Saruman took control.” He said. 

You still seemed remorseful, looking down. “Lady Y/n, it is an honor to finally meet the lady of the lake.” Gandalf said, Legolas gaping. You turned. “You are the Lady of the Lake?” Legolas asked. “What has earned you that title I wonder?” Gimli asked. Aragorn was equally as confused as the dwarf on the title. “You know not of the lady of the lake--” “Shh!” You hushed. Footsteps came from behind the door before it opened, two terrified looking children stepping into the hall. “These two children rode in from a village in the west.” A guard said. You frowned. “Then we are in need of evacuation.” you said. You kept a stern face, Aragorn raising a brow until you looked the little girl in the eyes and kneeled to her level. 

“What is your name?” You asked, your voice soft and expression softening. “Freda- my name is Freda.” She whimpered. You brushed the hair from her face. “The children will remain with Lady Éowyn, my lord I request that we-” “We will send our citizens to Helm’s Deep.” Théoden said. You nodded. “You will help the citizens--” “No my lord.”  you halted. He rose a brow, as did Aragorn and Legolas. “I charge with the men, you need protection outside of a sword.” you stated. He sighed. “I cannot ask this of you. It is like letting my own child go out there.” He said. “Nor can I ask you to lead towards death, for it is like sending my father to his doom.” you said simply. He sighed, Aragorn looking at you. “Then you charge with us.” He said. You nodded, turning on your heel.

The next time Aragorn saw you, you were in armor, your hair pulled back out of your face. You seemed quiet, watching the new addition to the group in silence. You rode next to Aragorn, not speaking as you listened to Gimli’s rather odd tales of home. “So your title.” Aragorn started. You looked over, nodding. “You’re referring to this ‘lady of the lake’ business I suppose.” you shrugged. “What did earn you that name?” Gimli asked. You chuckled, looking ahead at Théoden as he rode. You glanced at your wrists for a moment, them being covered by your vambraces. 

“I was almost dead. Goblins had stormed my village and nearly took my life. They left me for dead in a lake not far from it.” You muttered. Theoden looked at you with a sad look. “Something in me wanted to keep fighting. It wanted to stay alive.” Aragorn noticed that look in your eyes, it being far off and pained. “So when they least expected it, when they were removing the sword from my brother’s corpse all they saw was a woman with glowing white eyes emerge from the waters before they were struck down and killed with my powers.” You explained. Aragorn looked at the sword on your side. “Was that your brother’s then?” He asked. “Yes.” you nodded. “How did you end up with Lord Theoden?” Gimli asked. You smiled kindly to the dwarf. “I went unconscious after using my abilities. He found me, asking if I wished to stay with his niece. I said no after first but not long after he found me he fell ill. My mother taught me the ways of medicine and I nursed him back to health. After helping him his villagers started coming to me. After two years, I agreed to help him.” You answered. “You seem happy here.” Aragorn said. You looked at Éowyn who was smiling at something a villager said. “I am.” you answered. 

Aragorn liked that smile. It was beautiful, it reminded him of home. “I know of an elven woman who is skilled with water magic.” Aragorn said. “I stayed with the woman you are speaking of.” You said. He blinked. “Arwen Undomiel is the woman you are speaking of, correct?” you asked. He nodded slowly, raising a brow. “Before I lived in the village I stayed with the elves. I spent most of my time in Lothlorien but I also spent some of my time in Rivendell, learning the art of healing from Elrond.” You said. “Why not stay with your family?” Gimli asked. “Power without control is a dangerous thing sir Gimli.” you said. “You trained with us?” Legolas asked. “Yes. I have indeed met your father. Great man. Stern. But great.” you said. Legolas seemed to tense up at the mention of his father. “There are many strange things about you Y/n.” Aragorn stated. “I know. But strange and mysterious is more fun that way, don’t you think?” You asked, clearly amused by the man’s confusion. He gave you a small smile, your heart doing a small backflip as you looked at him.

“Are you close with Lady Arwen?” you asked. “She is practically my sister.” He admitted. You looked over confused. “Elrond raised me.” he said. You rose a brow. “Then how have we never crossed paths if you were in the same places that I was.” you asked. “I am much older than I appear, my lady.” He said. You looked at the man confused. “I am 87.” He said, you blinking with surprise. “You have seen many winters my lord when I have only seen 25.” you said. “You are wise for a woman who is so young.” He said, smiling. Again your heart pounded in your ears. “I have seen many things in this world that provided me with wisdom.” you told him, smiling at him. He felt this strange feeling in his chest. 

You noticed a bird in the sky, sticking your arm out so it would perch. It landed, you looking at it as you fed it a cracker from your pack. “There are enemies nearby.” you said. Aragorn rose a brow. “You’ve kept a sentinel?” He asked. “Yes I have.” You answered before lifting your arm, the hawk flying away. You drew your sword, Theoden riding off to the side instructing the men to protect and fight as best as they could. You all rode away from the group, deterring the enemy away from the refugees. 

Aragorn immediately noticed you abandoning the horse you rode in on, sending it back to the group before you swung your sword, cutting down an orc. You fought hard, Aragorn noticing your skill. But the large thing he noticed was your habit of keeping close to Théoden. By no means was the man unskilled for battle, he was fighting very well. You though, had this raw energy of fighting that seemed untouchable. 

You stabbed an enemy close to you, noticing a warg hurdling towards Aragorn before you stuck out your hand, an invisible force knocking it back out of the way of him. It seemed annoyed by your intervention, standing back up. “Shit.” you breathed as it prepared to charge. It sprinted forward, readying your blade before someone blocked for you, attacking the warg before it could hit you. You looked at him, nodding as a thank you before another warg bit your arm, dragging you as it ran. Aragorn frowned, about to stab it before he realized that his boot had latched itself to the saddle that an orc rode on. “CUT IT FREE!” you yelled, smacking the warg to make it let go. It was in vain as Aragorn made one last attempt to do as he was told before the warg launched itself off of the cliff. 

You managed to get free, cutting the loose leather strap of the boot away, pulling Aragorn close. “What are you-” “Trust me” was the last thing Aragorn heard. 

Your bodies collided with the waters, it feeling like concrete when you landed. You both washed up on shore, you being a bit more lucid than Aragorn who was still unconscious. “Spirits -o nature hear nin plea. Help nin help nin núr. Help nin help hon núr (spirits of nature, hear my plea, please help me help my people. Help me help him)” You whispered, your voice traveling on the wind before you closed your eyes. You felt something hanging over you, you looking up at a horse… the horse you sent back to the group. You pulled yourself up by the reins, lifting Aragorn up. He groggily climbed onto the horse, you doing the same before it rode on. 

You chose to rest while riding, Aragorn slowly waking up. He was leaning against something. He leaned back, his vision slowly returning before seeing you, slightly hunched over as you slept. He was grateful for you. You had saved his life taking most of that fall and he had been much appreciative of that. He noticed that peaceful look on your face, your eyes closed, hair damp from the waters of the river and cheeks slightly rosy from the cold. He held you closer, providing his body heat to keep you warm and you tensed up at first. 

It wasn’t until dusk that you actually woke up, Aragorn holding the reins to the horse. You leaned up after realizing that you had fallen asleep against him. “You’re awake.” He noticed. “Yes….” you muttered before noticing something. You leaned forward, looking at the horizon and frowning. You took the reins from Aragorn, making the horse ride faster. “Y/n, What are you doing?” He asked. “There are forces coming from the west, we don’t have much time before they reach Helm’s Deep!” you said.

So you rode, clearly worried. Aragorn couldn’t stop looking at you, something was different about you. Maybe it was the fact that you were no longer a frail woman who needed assistance to even do so much as walk. Maybe it was the fact that you were so determined to save your people from a potentially hopeless battle. Aragorn found himself admiring you. 

You rode through the lands, encouraging your horse to go as fast as it could before arriving at the gates. Éowyn was overwhelmed when she saw you, her hugging you on sight. “You’re alive! I knew it!” She said. “Where is Lord Théoden?” you asked. “He is in the hall, Y/n I don’t think he--” “Forces are coming and fast. We must fight, we do not have a choice.” you said before walking past her. You shoved the doors open, walking into the hold. “Lady Y/n!” Théoden gasped, hugging you. “The people are in danger my lord, we must fight. We have no choice” You said. “We do not have the men-” “Then we must call for aid my lord, we have to do something!” you said, urging him to fight. “Y/n, you act as if we have resources to do so.” he said. “We do, we can ask for Gondor’s aid!” you said. “Gondor!?” “Yes my lord! If we call for aid-” “Calling Gondor would be useless.They will do nothing!” He said. “My lord if we fight with only our men we risk leaving them all to die.” You said. He let out a frustrated sigh. “If you do not wish to call for aid then I could-” “No.” He halted you. You frowned. “Sire, our people need protection, if you would just let me-” “I will not allow you to do that Y/n, do not press this any further.” Théoden halted. “Sire-” “I REFUSE Y/N, NOW STOP!” He yelled. You swallowed hard, Aragorn looking at you as you pushed past him and walked out. 

You started taking off your arm braces, Aragorn walking after you. “Y/n, there may yet be hope.” He said. You shook your head. “So long as it is only our men that charge, there is no hope for survival sir Aragorn.” You breathed, braiding your hair. He frowned, putting a hand on your shoulder. “There is still hope Y/n, if you would trust me.” He said. You looked in his eyes, before looking down. “There is one last thing that we can do my lord…” you said with a sigh. You looked at your wrists, the markings of chains embedded on your skin. “What is that?” He asked. You looked at him and shook your head. “I am… Not what you believe me to be.” You told him. “What is it that you mean?” He asked. “My lord I am not in Théoden’s court as a healer or a sorceress.” you said. He raised a brow. “Then what are you there for?” He asked. “I am a weapon.” you answered. 

He looked at you. “I am not to use my abilities unless it is life or death for it may kill me.” You admitted. Aragorn frowned. “Then no, we will not use that.” He said. “We have no choice, if it is my life for hundreds then so be it.” you said. “I cannot lose you!” He said. “Why? Because you care for me!? I care too much for my people than to sacrifice their winning chance because you decided to feel something for me.” you snapped. He sighed, closing his eyes. “If we lose you, who’s to say that sacrifice would not be in vain?” He asked. You sighed. “I must try Aragorn. Even if it does kill me.” you said softly. He closed his eyes and you put a hand to his cheek.

“Im am sorrui an what cin lothron lose Aragorn. But know i whatever does happen. Im ceri- care an cin. (I am sorry for what you may lose Aragorn. But know that whatever does happen... I do care for you.)” You said softly. He opened his eyes, looking at you. “I should find the armory.” you said, clearing your throat and leaving.

Hours had past, the sun was falling on the horizon and war was creeping closer. You had remained in the armory, watching children who shouldn’t be prepping to die, prepare for death. You looked over, Aragorn putting on his armor in silence. You walked over, tightening a strap he couldn’t reach. He cleared his throat. “Are you really… going out there?” he asked. “Unless a miracle happens then I will make whatever sacrifice I have to.” you muttered. Aragorn looked down, clearly saddened by this. First he lost a woman who was practically his sister by sailing away to the Undying Lands. Now he was losing someone all over again. 

You heard a loud horn, looking up confused. “That is no orc horn.” Legolas noticed. You rushed off with Aragorn, walking out to see elves. You paused, looking at the sight in front of you. “Who… called for aid?” You asked, looking at the elven general. “I bring word from Elrond of Rivendell. An alliance once existed between elves and men. Long ago we fought and died together.” Haldir said. Aragorn smiled. “We come to honor that allegiance.” Haldir added. “Mae govannen, Haldir. (Welcome, Haldir)” Aragorn greeted. He hugged the man, earning a small smile from you. “You are most welcome!” Aragorn said clearly relieved by the man’s presence alone. 

Morale boosted greatly as you continued to prepare for war. Théoden found you putting on your breastplate. “Y/n… a word.” He said. You turned around. “Yes, my lord?” you asked. “I apologize for yelling at you earlier, it was wrong of me.” He said. He noticed you didn’t put on your vambraces. “Are you planning on using your abilities?” he asked. You swallowed. “...I saw those forces Théoden… There’s too many… We will lose.” you muttered. “...Do what you think is best.” He said after a long silence. You looked up. “Sire-” “you have always done what was best for our people. You’ve fought strongly and bravely and when I said you were like my daughter, I meant it.” Théoden said. “Sire… Do you think I should use my abilities?” you asked. “I think you should only use them in a moment you think it’s truly needed.” He said. You nodded before he walked out. 

You walked to the wall, standing next to Aragorn. “You seem a bit more confident.” you muttered, looking at the man as he adjusted his boot. “Indeed. We have more aid.” he said. “Aragorn I..” you sighed and shook your head, him raising a brow. “Y/n if you wish to say something I’d advise you to say it before we possibly die.” he said. You rolled your eyes. "Great job on boosting the morale sir Aragorn." You muttered. "Speak now or forever hold your peace." He said sarcastically. You sighed. "... You've been pleasant to be around. And I'm sorry for snapping at you earlier. I want you to know that whatever happens out there… I'm glad that I am fighting next to you. And I'm glad that I knew you." You said to him. Aragorn rose, looking at you. You faced the battlefield, trying to ignore the gaze of the man. 

Course that became more difficult to ignore when Aragorn pulled you into a kiss. You sunk into it, your heart beating in your ears as you nearly collapsed into the man's arms. "I am glad to have you with me." He said softly. You nodded slowly before he walked off to investigate the other groups on the walls. 

Rain poured around you as twilight finally set and you could see the forces approaching. Aragorn soon came back to a place on the wall, looking at you as you stared at the forces gathering and then the chain tattoo on your wrists. Aragorn looked at you before taking your hand. You looked at him and then turned back to the battlefield. You had a dagger in your freehand, you looking at your wrist and then the battlefield again. "....Aragorn?" You muttered. He looked over. "Hmm?" He asked. "Thank you for being here." You said softly. He smiled and you looked back at the battlefield. You slid the dagger back into your holster, looking at the orcish army before you.

Perhaps you would live to see another day.

[bitchfitch]

Conall woke to the smell of cinnamon and burning hair. His nose scrunched and his lips curled in a silent snarl he wasn't awake enough to suppress as he sat up in the bed he kept trying to escape. 

His every bone protested as he stood, and his muscles shook, with the aftermath of another full moon spent hunting through the woods like a common beast after being twisted into the shape of one by this stupid fucking curse. He managed to get his feet steady under him as he sought out the absolute bastard that kept dragging him back here. 

Arlo was where he always was, sat in front of the vanity in one of the bedrooms with his fingers combing through his stupidly long hair. He huffed as a greeting, not even bothering to look at Conall as he picked at a few strands and started the work of braiding it all into a manageable length. 

One of these days Conall was going to take a pair of shears to it all. Just to be cruel, just to stoop to Arlo's level.

"Why am I here," Conall demanded, "I left, I told you I had no interest in staying," 

"Yes well you see, I didn't bring you back here," Arlo retorted, "You crawled back all on your own, and collapsed on my doorstep like you do every damm month," 

"You know full well its your stupid curse that keeps brainwashing me back here," Conall stormed up to his side and was step away from grabbing him before that stupid curse twinged and forced any ideas of hurting the stupid unicorn out of his skull with a painful snap, 

"It's not a curse, Its not My curse, and there's nothing to do about it that I Haven't already done," 

"I'm sorry, do you just expect me to believe you have nothing to do with the curse that makes me want to protect you? That turns me into a dog everytime you are at your most powerful? You Truly believe I'm that stupid?"

"I believe you're that stupid, because you can't see that that's the truth, I didn't give you this blessing, I didn't make it. I didn't even know it was still kicking around until I Saved your sister from it," he spat,

"Fucking Explain it then, Explain why you are such a fucking liar," Conall had to swallow down bile as Arlo's hurt bumped up against the stupid curse.

"Im Not A Liar. And it's a long fucking story," Arlo snapped at him, 

"Then get fucking talking," Conall didn't care that he was scraping gouges in the wooden floor as he dragged a chair closer and dropped into it with a heavy huff. 

Arlo rolled his eyes and sneered as he started, his tone that of someone telling a bed time story to a brat they didn't particularly like, "Once upon a time, there was a queen who ruled an expansive and beautiful kingdom. She was perfect, and regal, and swelteringly kind, and most of all she was devoted to making sure her people Thrived no matter the cost.

So, one day, she gathered her kingdoms most powerful sorcerers, calling them each by name as she beheaded them and drained them of every drop of blood they had to give before rending the meat from their bones so that those may be used too.

When she was done she poured it all into her cauldron, and preyed and chanted and sang as she cut her own heart from her chest and dropped it into her brew.

The blood boiled around this offering so willingly and lovingly given, and the magic found her soul and bound it back together as the first of her children rose from the pot with her mounted on his back. 

He was a bull, white like the clouds above and as thick around the middle an entire chariot was wide, with golden hooves and single horn jutting from his forhead as he galloped and pranced with the reborn queen laughing on his back. 

The second was a similarly single horned war horse, white and gold but smaller than the bull that came before him. Still, he was stunning as he joined the joyful parade with blood clinging to his coat. 

The donkey was next, again with one horn growing from the center of his skull like a stake. Short and lean but powerful as he charged along with his brothers and their perfect mother. 

Then the deer burst forth, his single horn forked as he bounded so proudly around the room, leaping and prancing over the ruined remains of their imperfect fathers and other mothers. 

Finally a goat clambered out after them all, bleating and struggling to keep pace with his long legged family. He was the runt, the weakest, made from the dregs of the sorcerers' magic. 

The queen saw her runt and opened her arms to him and carried him on his brother's back. None of her children would ever be forgotten, or allowed to be trampled as long as she was there to protect them.

The family, complete and beautiful and perfect burst from the chamber and into their palace, the joyful cries of the people echoing through the halls at the sight of their reborn queen. They screamed and screamed as they welcomed her children into their court by offering up a feast of a first meal for their hungry mouths. 

The Queen's already prosperous land Flourished as though spring had finally hit after a year of winter. Her beloved and perfect and powerful children served their people with joy in their hearts. No one in the entire land ever went hungry, no field was ever blighted with rot, no wound left un-mended nor was even a single disease allowed to spread. The coffers were full and gold paved the streets, the water of their rivers and lakes ran crystal clear and sweet like honey.

The Perfect Queen and her Perfect children were worshiped by their people, but such beautiful perfection bred vile envy. 

A vile and selfish little human crept into the children's rooms one night. A lasso in one hand and a dagger in the other as it hunted through the corridors, looking for which one it would steal away from its family. 

But oh that silly little thing, weak and stupid as it was. It found the children curled up together with their mother watching over them. 

The Queen cought it before it could even take a single step, her wings beat as she dragged it out the window with her, her claws digging into its soft body threatening to destroy it completely. But in her divine mercy, she lifted it higher and higher and higher, twisting and bending its imperfect shape into something even more grotesque. 

She landed with it held in her arms and she called to her children, who of course always headed their mother's call.  

She laid the creature at their feet and told them that it would protect them now, that it was their pet and that they should look after it, that they should love it so that it would love them. 

That was the first werewolf, it stood guard over their rooms and when others like what it had been came close it would tear into them and spread its gift. They would turn too then, and join it in its guarding. 

Though, the children only ever loved the first of their precious dogs. The rest were too much fun to not play with. So, long as at least one lived, they could do whatever they pleased with the others. So they did. They tore them apart and painted their rooms in their blood and takes their hides with their brains and the children made their mother necklaces and crowns and bracelets and rings and every other little bobble they could from those precious wolves' bones.

The children loved their mother, so of course they wanted to lavish her with every gift they could. She had already given them so much, it was only fair.

The perfect family and their perfect pets weren't allowed to be happy forever though. A man, A king, their mother told the children to call him that, came into their home and soon their mother was heavy with his imperfect children. 

She assured her eldests that this was only a means to an end, that she needed an heir. Someone who would look after her perfect children when she was gone. She told them that while the children the king gave her would never be perfect, she would make them so. Just like she made herself perfect, just like she made all of them perfect, she would make these new lives perfect too.

To prove her devotion to the children born from the blood of her heart instead of the water of her womb, she gave the first of the king's imperfect offspring to them.

Oh how the king sobbed as they ripped it to shreds. Its awful little body not even worth being made into a gift for their mother.

The second was allowed to grow. Their mother would bring him to her perfect children every day and have each of them lay a blessing on him until he too was perfect. 

Only then did they welcome him as a brother. Only then did they begin to follow his orders like they did their mother's.

Oh how foolish those perfect children were.

Death came for their mother one night, her blood stained the long dead king's son's hands. 

Were he anyone else, they would have destroyed him just like they did that first child the king gave their mother. But their own blessings made him immune to their curses and their powerful bodies. Their mothers own blood protected him even when it hadn't protected her.

The Queen's perfect children cried and shrieked their mourning, and refused to lay their gifts on any of the cruel and selfish humans. It was their blood that ran in their littlest and most vile brother's veins, why should they serve any that would dare to share a history with him?

The new King did not have the patience for his perfect siblings. So he stole away their hounds and sent them to war, all but the one they loved, he killed that one in front of them and made them watch as it begged and suffered. 

Then, when they continued to refuse to obey him, he took everything they had. He took their hair and their eyes and their horns, and the skin off of their flesh, then the flesh off of their bones and then he took those too. And he took until there was nothing left and those perfect siblings of his were gone,"

Arlo looked back to his mirror his shoulders tense and his hands shaking with ancient grief, "Then, one day many years later, when the Perfect Queen and her perfect children were only whispered myths, a pair of witches gathered all of their magic and the corpse of their beloved sister. 

They went to the place that the Perfect Queen's castel had once stood and called on the fragments of her children, They pulled the goat, the weakest of his siblings from the aether and begged for him to revive their sister. 

He looked at the humans, and saw only their selfish ways. But he could not return to his rest. No, they held him there and demanded he do what they asked. Said they would never let him go if he didn't. Said they would damn all of his brothers to that horrid… inbetweenness of not being fully alive and not fully dead while being all to aware of it.

So, he looked them in the eye and made them a deal, Their sister's heart would beat and her body would walk again, but they must never attempt to summon his brothers. 

They were stupid, and agreed.

The goat took the dead sister's body as his. Her heart beat, and she walked and talked, but it was him who was in control.

He damned himself to this existence, knowing the witches had no way of killing him, nor did they have a way to summon his brothers while the body was being used. 

Years passed again, now with the goat alone in the palace he had shared with his perfect family. Unable to leave because if he did some other ungrateful and selfish human might try to take from him again. They might not care about destroying the body he wore like the witches did, and if the body was destroyed, the witches might try to summon and damn his brothers. 

So the goat lived in the buried castle and watched the world above through his mirror, and eventually he began talking to the witches, he was so dreadfully lonely that even their vile company held value. 

Other horrid little humans would stumble close sometimes. He'd kill them on sight, Or curse them until their blood boiled in their veins, or he'd give them something that looked like a blessing just so they would lead more to him. It was the only fun he could have without risking his physical body being known. 

But then the witches finally promised the goat a kindness. They told him that the wolves his mother had made for her perfect children still spread their blessings, but that with the unicorns dead and gone they had turned to vile beasts as they desperately searched for their charges. 

The goats heart ached but then it soared when the witches told him that there was one being brought to him.

A little girl, they told him it was, a child so young that if he loved and cared for it it would grow up to love and care for him in return. He remembered the precious wolf he shared with his brothers and Gladly accepted the offer for them to let him care for it.

Offering them a loc of his hair and blood from his veins. He knew how to not be selfish, unlike the humans, he knew that you always offer something in return.

They took what he gave, but when they brought him his pup, she was in the arms of a strange man. 

He collapsed onto his knees and begged for his sister to be cured tears staining his..."

Arlo hesitates, looking at Conall and picking his next words carefully, 

"His face, that the goat had initially found repulsive but no longer minds. The goat was about to kill the awful and pathetic creature, about to take his precious pup to show her to the room the goat had put together just for her. But then the man's words registered.

He wasn't begging, he wasn't asking to take. He was offering everything he had for the goat to save his sister from a perceived suffering. 

And the goat didn't see the witches making cruel demands and threats. He didn’t see that monster of a half brother demanding he and his perfect brothers work for the creature that killed their mother. 

He saw himself, and he saw his perfect brothers, and their mother. He saw his family always looking out and protecting eachother. 

The man asked for the goat to cure his sister of her blessing, and in return he would give everything he could. 

The goat's heart broke. He wanted, truly wanted, to help a human for the first time since his mother's passing. But he couldn't do what the man asked. His mother was far more powerful, and even now centuries after her death and many many generations removed, her blessing still held stronger than the goat could ever hope to be able t overpower. 

So he made the man, the pure and clever human who knew not to take without giving something in return, an offer. 

The goat couldn't destroy the blessing, but if the man could offer up another to take his sister's place, the goat could transfer it to them." 

Arlo looked back to his mirror, where he saw only Conall's reflection, as he finished the last braid, "I think you know the rest," 

A long moment passed as Conall tried to reconcile the story he was just told with the monster- no, the man, he sat across from.

"Were you really going to take care of Asena?" Conall asked, his voice low and quiet, as though speaking too loudly would break the careful peace between them, 

"I was going to raise her as though she were my own. I was so excited to teach her magic, and to give her all the blessings I could... I guess the witches are doing that now though," He leaned forward against the worn wood of his vanity and rested his chin on his folded arms, "I was going to have a family again," he wiped at his eyes before the tears could spill,

"I'm sorry, Conall," he sighed

"Why?" Conall tried not to sound surprised at such a genuine sounding apology,

"I know those weren't the answers you wanted. I know you wanted me to tell you that it had all been a trick and I could just snap my fingers and cure you of my mother's blessing," 

"No, those weren't the answers I wanted but..." Conall didn't know what to say next, so he said nothing and just settled a hand on one of Arlo's thin shoulders. He squeezed it softly as he felt Arlo go rigid under his touch for just a moment before practically melting beneath his palm. 

Conall had the sinking realization that this might very well be the first time anyone has touched Arlo since his entire family was killed. 

Conall had the sinking realization that the same might be true for himself.

"Please," Arlo whimpered burrying his face in the crook of his arm, "Please, I don't want you to feel trapped here, but please stay, I'll offer whatever I can, but Conall please stop leaving me alone here," 

"I..." he tried to swallow down the words before they could damn them both, but he was so much weaker than The Perfect Queen's blessing,

"Of course,"

[hasmashdoneanythingwrong]

Please! The Elder Scrolls lore!

Oh man bad wording on your part, we’re going to start from the beginning and I am going to have fun with this!

The literal blood sweat and tears of creation

So, like all good cosmologies, this one starts with a good old fashion “in the beginning, there was nothing”. And then, from this nothingness came two... let’s call them gods, that’s the closest term we have. Really, they’re more akin to the Greek Protogenoi In that they were closer to sapient forces of cosmic power than anything else. These two gods represented what many will call the great dichotomy: Anu, God of Stasis, and Padomay , God of Change. Another way to think of it is as order and chaos, but more in the sense of “things staying the same” and “things changing constantly”. These two just kind of sat around doing cosmic forces things...

When BAM! Another cosmic force (Likely representing the idea of creation) appeared. Her name was Nir, And she was so sexy that all two other people in creation at the time were like “Holy shit...!” And then Nir looked at Anu And was like “Holy Shit…!” So of course, the two of them immediately hit it off, got to work making worlds, and we’re really really happy together because they exist in the universe before “Being a shitty person to your spouse” was a concept. However, you know what was A concept? Murder and also maybe jealousy. Padomay Looked at the two of them being happy and was like “That should be me, those fuckers!” So he went up to Nir And was like hey you should ditch my stupid brother and go out with me instead we can make all sorts of cool shit. And Nir was like “What am I a cheater? Go away jerk”.

Padomay did not like this. So he went full Yandere and killed Nir and her 12 or so children/worlds.

Anu did not like this, because he helped make those and even in a timeless primordial void life was sacred.

So Anu was like “Stop! You violated the law! Pay the court a fine, or serve your sentence! Your stolen goods are now forfeit.” Padomay obviously said no and Anu was all like “Then pay with your blood!” And started fighting Padomay. However, unlike the average city guard that makes the exact same speech, Anu Was actually a powerful individual, and proceeded to rip Padomay So many new assholes that Padomay died. Then Anu was like “My wife... My Children... There’s only one thing left to do here...!”, took their shattered remains, and began piecing them together into something new. If this sounds weird and/or creepy to you, consider our own real world mythologies, and realize honestly, by creation myth standards, This is pretty tame and actually kind of nice.

But before Anu could really do anything...

Padomay: (DBZ teleport noise) Omae Wa Mou... Shindeiru.

Anu: Nani?!

(Both proceed to explode into massive puddles of blood and soul)

And from there, these massive pools of blood and soul (now named Sithis (Padomay’s Blood, The Primal “Is Not”) and Anui-El (Anu’s Blood, The Primal “Is”)) began to expand out infinitely. Where they touched created this weird sort of… Not order not chaos but also yes order and yes chaos area that we will simply call… The Aurbis.

Of course, truth is this is but one variation of How It’s Made Aurbis Edition. Some versions have snakes, some have Anu and Padomay simply eject their souls into Anui-El and Lorkhan/Sithis, who can say. All of them are technically true and false at the same time anyways. But more importantly, all of these variations are both canon, non-canon, and quasi-canon. Fun!

Hakuna Et’Ada

So in this bloody pit, The Aurbis was not the only thing to come out of this. From these three blood settings (Anu, Padomay, and Mixed) came the original spirits, which later peoples would call Et’Ada. Depending on who you ask, certain spirits originated from particular mixtures, But the reality is different spirits just sorta became different things regardless of which blood puddle they originated from. Some claim what would become the Daedra came only from Padomay’s blood, But if that were the case, then Jyggalag is hella weird since that would make him a Chaos God of Order. And Meridia was a Magna-Ge so... yeah. So for now, lets just assume every named Et’Ada that isn’t Lorkhan came from evenly intermingled blood.

Anyways, as all these spirits came to be they emerged to what is best described as a the metaphysical equivalent of a pyramid made of tesseract spirals colored RedOrangUrPinCyan but also YellOchErmilliFuchIte being formed into a pentagon. That is to say, hella interesting to watch. So the Et’Ada were kind of content to couch potato and watch the resulting three way of the 3rd, ith (as in the imaginary number), and -680th dimensions.

All but one. See, one Et’Ada was purely Padomayic/Sithic, and his name was Lorkhan. And being essentially the embodiment of Chaos and Change, Lorkhan was like “Man this isn’t exciting enough”. So he kept getting bored, until one “day” (day as a relative term since time didn’t exist yet) he got so bored he went to the edge of The Aurbis and saw it looked like a wheel with 8 spokes. He said “huh that’s weird” tilted his head to the side and immediately Understood(tm) because he beheld the letter and concept “I”. Except not really, because as an Et’Ada he could never Understand. But he understood he did not Understand, so he knew how other spirits could Understand. So he was like “I have an Idea” and left to tell/cajole/convince the other spirits to participate. Some didn’t like his idea, bust secretly they kind of did. So they fucked off and made their own worlds out of themselves while retaining all their power. The 13 most powerful became the Daedric Princes, and all together the spirits that did not participate in Lorkhan’s plan became known as the Daedra (An old word meaning “Not Our Ancestors, singular form Daedroth (not to be confused with the crocodile like Daedra)). Meanwhile, all the other spirits thought this totally sounded cool, especially the one who would become Kynareth/Kyne (note that many creation myths have her heavily associated with Lorkhan and/or his equivalent figures, like Shor). One of these Et’Ada, a mighty spirit of mostly Anui-El named Magnus, was of course chosen to be the Architect and planner, for he understood the concept of order and planning better than anyone save maybe Auri-El/Auriel/Akatosh, who was basically Anui-El’s equivalent to Lorkhan. And eventually, after many not-months and a whole lot of untime later, Magnus was like “It’s done, let’s put this bad boy together!”, and Lorkhan was like “It’s Just According To Keikaku”, and unfortunately he said this right as the spirits were in the middle of making Lorkhan’s Cool Thing and realized it was kiiiiind of killing them to do. Also unfortunately for Lorkhan, they all knew Keikaku means plan. So Magnus and his closest followers/diciples/apprentices were like “fuck this!” And tore holes into reality to escape to Aetherius, which is what surrounds the bubble of reality Lorkhan’s Cool Thing exists in. However, Lorkhan immediately said “It’s Just According to Keikaku” again because by doing that, Lorkhan’s Cool Thing was exposed to Magicka, and also that made the stars (with Magnus’s exit becoming The Sun).

Never let it be said Lorkhan didn’t know how plans worked.

After that the remaining gods decided to Convene upon Lorkan’s Cool Thing to decide on how to punish him for saying the old memes and also for nearly killing them. This meeting (called Convention) was held upon what would become Adamantine Tower, aka Ada-Mantia. Eventually, it was decided that Lorkhan was to be executed for being a massive tool who tricked the Et’Ada into sacrificing themselves for Lorkhan’s Cool Thing. They also decided to rename Lorkhan’s Cool Thing to Nirn as they realized that Lorkhan’s creation had sort of recreated Nir as she was before Padomay killed her (I forgot to mention his killing Nir kind of maimed the fuck out of her too) without really bringing her to life again. So eventually it was decided that Lorkhan was to be executed, but that didn’t work out as well since everything they tried to do to him just didn’t work. So Lorkhan once again said “It’s Just According To Keikaku” and Auri-El was like “Anu and Padomay dude what do you even mean by that?!”, to which Lorkhan explained:

“My Heart is the Heart of the World, for one was made to satisfy the other!” (By the way I’m 90% certain he actually said something like this.)

So hearing this, both Auri-El and a spirit named Trinimac proclaimed “If your heart is so satisfied by the world, then the world can have it!” (Not really, But it builds up to what they really did). Then, Trinimac tore Lorkhan in half and pulled the heart out before Lorkhan could be not torn in half, then gave it to Auri-El who fastened it upon an arrow and fired it from his bow.

You may know this bow, it takes a form mortals can use sometimes. Which bow? Think of Auri-El’s other names.

Anyways, as the heart was flying over what would become Tamriel, it’s blood flew all over the damn place. Most of the blood would become the metal Ebony, which is why it’s so powerful a metal as it’s essentially dried god’s blood. Other places, such as... oh, let’s throw out the middle of Cyrodiil for no reason, the blood would crystalize. Oh, and I lied because I threw out Cyrodiil for a reason and that reason is one crystalized blood lump would become the Chim-El-Adabal, and later the Amulet of Kings, a very important necklace.

Meanwhile, the other gods used Lorkhan’s halves to make the Moons, because what else would you do with dead god corpse parts?

Eventually, the Heart of Lorkhan would hit the ocean, where it would give rise to a massive volcano island people would later call Morrowind, and from this volcano Lorkhan’s heart would give one last “It’s Just According To Keikaku”, for this too was planned. For you see, by doing this Lorkhan subconsiously introduced the concept of a straight line to Auri-El, the spirit of time. And by doing that, it forced Time to go from one point to the other instead of doing what it wanted. The first two Towers were made, and Nirn was at last out of Beta and in Release Phase. Bugfixes and stability patches (more Towers) to follow later.

Realizing they could not live forever with their divinity drained into Nirn, the Et’Ada (now renamed Aedra, meaning “Our Ancestors”) began to have descendants, the Ehlnofey (Earthbones, aka Demi-Gods). These Ehlnofey were the creators of the laws of physics, so to speak, known as Truths. Some created gravity, others said “hey maybe all this magicka floating around should be usable” and invented magic, and so on and so forth. These became known as The Earthbones. That said, many Ehlnofey simply had children, what would become Mer (elves) and Men. Argonians, meanwhile, came about because a chunk of one of those old worlds Nir created landed on Nirn in the form of the Hist. And the Khajiit... uh... I have no clue actually, I’ll get back to you on that one. Something involving the moons I know that much.

Towers, the Tacks of Reality

So, I’m sure you’re wondering, since I’ve mentioned the concept at least twice now, “hasmashdoneanythingwrong.com, What are The Towers in the metaphysical sense?”, To which I say… This is actually a very interesting concept. It’s best explained with The Map Metaphor. Imagine, if you will, Mundus (the pocket of reality Nirn resides in within the Aurbis) as a corkboard. Now, lay a map of Tamriel/Nirn over the corkboard. And now, take several pins and/or tacks and place them in areas roughly akin to the following areas:

High Rock’s Adamantine Tower

Morrowind’s Red Mountain/Red Tower

Summerset Isle’s Crystal Tower/Crystal-Like-Law

Cyrodiil’s White-Gold Tower/Imperial Palace

Yokuda’s Orchalc Tower (just imagine it somewhere in the ocean. You may notice a problem here, we’ll get to that soon...ish.)

The Dwemer’s Numidium/Walk-Brass/Brass Tower (pin this one pretty much anywhere on the Daggerfall region, basically somewhere in High Rock or Hammerfell). This one’s weird because it’s techincally in the future but active now. For best bets represent it with a tack made of transparent plastic.

Valenwood’s Green-Sap

Skyrim’s Snow-Throat/Throat of the World

Keep a few other pins on hand in case Bethesda reveals a tower in either Akavir, Pyandonea, or (unlikely but possible) Thras.

So, now you imagine the map, right? These pins, The Towers, hold Mundus/Nirn together and keep them from sinking into Oblivion.

So of course here’s where it all goes to fuck. Do the following:

Remove Red Mountain, Crystal Tower, White-Gold Tower, and Orichalc Tower.

Pull Snow-Throat half way out (while not deactivated it is “damaged” somehow.)

Not a whole lot of pins left, eh? But, one good piece of news: there is one more force holding Nirn/Mundus out of Oblivion.

Do the following:

Put a metric fuckton of gold tacks around the edge of the map, and imagine them being set up to automatically pull the Tower Pins out if they all get pulled out.

What tower is that? None! It is instead Talos, who is secretly holding the world together. Horrifyingly, this means killing the dude in Whiterun that preaches about Talos is bad, as Talos needs worshippers to maintain his power. Which means the Thalmor will unmake reality if they completely remove Talos Worship.

Don’t worry, they know and are banking on that happening. Why do you think that one Thalmor in the College of Winterhold questline was so excited about “the power to unmake the world at [his] fingertips”?

Wait, no. Do worry.

And somewhere, Akatosh is complaining about his neck and his back.

Time is a funny thing on Nirn. Turns out, making Time be based on making a single god know what a straight line is is very... unstable. Unstable enough that it’s possible to Break it. Yes, capital B. A Dragon Break is what they’re called. When a Dragon Break occurs, Time goes back to what it once was and becomes... fucky. Children birth their fathers, mothers divorce men they never met until five years from a prior divorce they never had, and dogs and cats decide now’s a good time to be friends. Fun! So when this happens, the Jills come out to Shout at Time until it bitches down and stops being broken, like a hoard of shitty therapists. If you’re wondering what a Jill is, basically it’s a female Dragon. Well, female by mortal standards. See, dragons’ genders are based on whether they want to fix thing or break things, and I am completely serious on that. So far, the most famous two Dragom Breaks occured:

When the Maruhkati Selectives, a rabidly Anti-Elf cult sect of an already pretty Anti-Elf group known as the Alessian Order, attempted to purge Auri-El from Akatosh because Auri-El was the aspect elves worshiped. As you can imagine, that went horribly.

The endings of Daggerfall, where at parallel points in different timelines several factions attempted to use Numidium all at once. The end result was the Warp In The West, Mannimarco becoming a God of Necromancy, Orcs getting rights, and the Illac Bay not being a massive clusterfuck (mostly). Numidium tends to do that, being the Dwemer’s walking middle finger to reality.

More Fun Facts about stuff available upon request, But for now I need to stop or I’ll make this too long for anyone.

[mysterioushedgehog]

Awesome close read of bookJaime/bookBrienne relationship.

https://www.reddit.com/r/asoiaf/comments/1dl37d/spoilers_all_brienne_and_jaime_an_indepth/

V. Knights in Shining Armor

The previous post in this series demonstrated how Brienne's relationship to Jaime subverts the typical male/female relationship in Westeros. Jaime gave Brienne a sword and a fight instead of roses and kisses. For Brienne, there's much symbolic importance in Jaime's gift of Oathkeeper. It represents a chance for her to redeem herself and Jaime's honor. More importantly, the sword grants her the ability be self-sufficient instead of relying on male gallantry to accomplish her goals (as most women are forced to do).

Another way their relationship subverts gender roles is that Brienne and Jaime have taken turns playing the rescuing knight and maiden to be rescued. At first, the references to traditional gender roles are mostly ironic:

Armed men lined both sides of the brook... “Well met, friends,” [Jaime] called to them amiably. “My pardons if I disturbed you. You caught me chastising my wife.”

“Seemed to me she was doing the chastising.” (ASOS 21/Jaime III)

Later:

After the second time he fell from the saddle, they bound him tight to Brienne of Tarth and made them share a horse again. One day...they bound them face-to-face. “The lovers,” Shagwell sighed loudly, “and what a lovely sight they are. ‘Twould be cruel to separate the good knight and his lady....Ah, but which one is the knight and which one is the lady?” (ASOS 31/Jaime IV)

And:

The eyelid was swollen, but Jaime found he could force it open halfway. Qyburn’s face loomed above. “How did you come by this one?” the maester asked.

“A wench’s gift.”

“Rough wooing, my lord?”

“This wench is bigger than me and uglier than you. You’d best see to her as well. She’s still limping on the leg I pricked when we fought.”

“I will ask after her. What is this woman to you?”

“My protector.” Jaime had to laugh, no matter how it hurt. (ASOS 31/Jaime IV)

Then Jaime does take on the chivalric role of male protector by preventing Brienne from being raped by the Bloody Mummers (ASOS 31/Jaime IV) and rescuing her from the bear in the pit (ASOS 44/Jaime VI). But what distinguishes Brienne and Jaime's relationship from the knight/maiden trope is that they are essentially equal. They've each in turn assumed the role of rescuer and rescued: Brienne saved Jaime from being recaptured by the Starks. Jaime prevented Brienne from being raped. Brienne kept Jaime's spirits up after he lost his hand. Jaime rescued Brienne from the bear pit. Brienne goes off to redeem Jaime's honor. This basic equality was evident when each (amuthingly) kept trying to protect the other in the bear pit:

“What are you doing here?”

“Something stupid. Get behind me.” He circled toward her, putting himself between Brienne and the bear.

“You get behind. I have the sword.”

“A sword with no point and no edge. Get behind me!” (ASOS 44/Jaime VI)

Afterwards, Jaime again ironically casts himself as Brienne's hero, but without the nasty edge:

“Her name is Brienne,” Jaime said. “Brienne, the maid of Tarth. You are still maiden, I hope?”

Her broad homely face turned red. “Yes.”

“Oh, good,” Jaime said. “I only rescue maidens.” (ASOS 44/Jaime VI)

There's always been some mockery mixed in with Jaime's 'flirting'. He behaved similarly to Catelyn Stark while he was a prisoner of war. But at a certain point, he starts to actually care about what Brienne thinks of him. Jaime became aroused in the Harrenhal baths when he saw Brienne naked, though he dismisses it as evidence that he's been celibate too long (ASOS 37/Jaime V). He then tells her his greatest secret though he's not sure why ("Why am I telling this absurd ugly child?" ASOS 37/Jaime V). After he tells Brienne about Aerys's plans to burn down King's Landing with wildfire:

The wench looked ridiculous, clutching her towel to her meager teats with her thick white legs sticking out beneath. “Has my tale turned you speechless? Come, curse me or kiss me or call me a liar. Something.” (ASOS 37/Jaime V)

After that moment of honesty and intimacy (Jaime bares pretty much everything to Brienne) in the bathhouse, he starts to suppress his urge to be mean to her (ASOS 44/Jaime VI). When Brienne learns about the Red Wedding, "She looked so miserable that Jaime almost found himself wanting to comfort her." (ASOS 62/Jaime VII). He even compliments her appearance at one point:

“Blue is a good color on you, my lady,” Jaime observed. “It goes well with your eyes.” She does have astonishing eyes. (ASOS 72/Jaime IX)

To be clear: this isn't simply a case of 'shipping Brienne and Jaime. I think their changing relationship is significant for their character development. Brienne's growing regard for Jaime, a disgraced knight, echoes her disillusionment with knighthood. Jaime's growing regard for Brienne, a naive idealist, has changed his attitude towards knighthood in a positive direction.

Just as he used to defend Cersei from rude remarks, he chivalrously defended Brienne from Ser Ronnet:

Jaime’s golden hand cracked him across the mouth so hard the other knight went stumbling down the steps. His lantern fell and smashed, and the oil spread out, burning. “You are speaking of a highborn lady, ser. Call her by her name. Call her Brienne.” (AFFC 27/Jaime III)

Jaime is so disgusted by Ser Ronnet that he "charged Red Ronnet with the task of delivering Wylis Manderly to Maidenpool, so he would not need to look on him henceforth" (AFFC 30/Jaime IV).

Contrast the above to the deterioration of Jaime's feelings toward Cersei. Back at the beginning of their journey, Jaime defended Cersei against Brienne ("'You will be courteous as concerns Cersei, wench,' he warned her" ASOS 1/Jaime I). But in the Harrenhal baths, Jaime compares her favorably to Cersei "Brienne caught him before he could fall. Her arm was all gooseflesh...but she was strong, and gentler than he would have thought. Gentler than Cersei," (ASOS 37/Jaime V). Unlike Cersei, Jaime can rely on Brienne, who is kinder and more selfless. Their relationship is far less one-sided.

VI. Warrior, Maid, Strangers

In AFFC, Jaime becomes increasingly disenchanted with his beautiful twin. He's still physically attracted to her, but realizes what a terrible person she is:

Of late, Cersei always seemed to have a flagon of wine to hand, she who had once scorned Robert Baratheon for his drinking. He misliked that, but these days he seemed to mislike everything his sister did (AFFC 16/Jaime II)

Besides comparing her unflatteringly to King Robert, he also compares her to King Aery when she watches the Tower of the Hand burn:

The green light of the wildfire had bathed the face of the watchers, so they looked like nothing so much as rotting corpses, a pack of gleeful ghouls, but some of the corpses were prettier than others. Even in the baleful glow, Cersei had been beautiful to look upon (AFFC 16/Jaime II)

And:

Cersei had never taken kindly to being balked, he knew that. Softer words might have swayed her, yet of late the very sight of her made him angry. (AFFC 27/Jaime III)

Maybe falling out of love with Cersei was inevitable. Jaime's journey with Brienne has changed him so much that even self-absorbed Cersei has noticed:

"...What did they do to you?”

“They cut off my hand.”

“No, it’s more, you’re changed.” (ASOS 62/Jaime VII)

Jaime himself feels like a different man. He's lost everything that made him who he is:

...Half the court no longer seemed to know him. I am a stranger in my own House. His son was dead, his father had disowned him, and his sister... she had not allowed him to be alone with her once, after that first day in the royal sept where Joffrey lay amongst the candles. (ASOS 67/Jaime)

The cooling of Jaime's relationship with Cersei is connected to the evolution of his relationship to Brienne. Her idealism about knighthood has actually rubbed off on the cynical Jaime--a change that irritates the hell out of Cersei, who is more interested in having a co-conspirator than a hero by her side:

[Jaime] Once a man puts on that cloak, it changes him.”

[Cersei] “It certainly changed you, and not for the better.” (AFFC 12/Cersei III)

The twins have become estranged from each other. Remember that Jaime joined the Kingsguard for Cersei, that he tried to kill an innocent child for Cersei. Now he is a stranger to her:

He was your twin, your shadow, your other half, ...Once, perhap...No longer. He has become a stranger to me. (AFFC 12/Cersei III)

And she has become a stranger to him:

I thought that I was the Warrior and Cersei was the Maid, but all the time she was the Stranger, hiding her true face from my gaze. (AFFC 30/Jaime IV)

Embracing knighthood has distanced Jaime not only from Cersei, but from his father as well. Jaime rejected Tywin's offer of Casterly Rock and Lady Margarey's hand in marriage. Astonishingly, the notorious oathbreaker and kingslayer asserted the priority of his vows as a knight and Lord Commander of the Kingsguard even over loyalty to his House:

“I am a knight of the Kingsguard. The Lord Commander of the Kingsguard! And that’s all I mean to be!” (ASOS 62/Jaime VII)

This is a significant change. When Roland Crakehall found Jaime standing over Aerys's body, "[h]e had not seemed surprised to find Aerys slain; Jaime had been Lord Tywin’s son long before he had been named to the Kingsguard" (ASOS 11/Jaime II). In AGOT, Jaime thought it was more important to avenge Tyrion than it was to remain at his post as kingsguard. Now Jaime prioritizes his duties as Kingsguard over his family duties.

Later, Cersei attempts to seduce him in the White Tower and he rebuffs her advances, telling her he won't have sex with her in that particular place (ASOS 72/Jaime IX). This is interesting since he had no problem violating the sanctity of a sept and his own son's wake in order to fuck his sister. Yet he refuses to do the same in the Lord Commander's apartment. Jaime is taking his position as Kingsguard very seriously.

(Continued in the comments)

[yllucsanad]

14 and 15 from the x files asks 😊

14. Favorite episode(s)? Why?

ok you didnt ask for nearly this much but ive always wanted to make this list anyways so here ya go!!

1x01 Pilot: I mean,,,, does this even need an explanation? 

1x03 Squeeze: amazing MOTW, “do you think i’m spooky?”, “it seems you were acting very territorial” “of course i was” this is episode thREE PEOPLE, the gray/green alien conversation lmaoooo

1x24 The Erlenmeyer Flask: rip deep throat, iconic “trust no one”, the alien plot seriously begins the thicken here

2x01 Little Green Men: they have a secret meeting how cute, Mulder recording everything for Scully um hello someone is in love

2x08 One Breath: Mulder TEARING apart the hospital and screaming at people for Scully, coma hand holding and crying in his apartment, the return of her necklace, “mulder? i had the strengths of your beliefs” 

2x13 Irresistible: like obviously donnie pfaster makes me uncomf but the way mulder tips up scully’s chin and makes her look at him and then she breaks down and FINALLY lets mulder see her as something besides hard as a rock

2x17 End Game: Scully taking charge and saving Mulder’s life, Mulder trading “Samantha” for Scully

3x04 Clyde Bruckman’s Final Repose: this episode is very funny and i appreciate that in this dark x files universe, QUEEQUEG, “how do i die?” “you don’t”, “autoerotic asphyxiation” 

3x13 Syzygy: “sure fine whatever”, jealous scully, cigarette smoking scully, “shut up mulder”

3x17 Pusher: this ep is simply amazing in every way and we all know it

3x22 Quagmire: mulder hating the dog for no reason, RIP queequeg, the conversation on the rock

4x03 Home: this episode is gory and cool, the conversation on the bench, scully making noises to try to get the sheep to move lmao, mulder playing with the baseball and the tv and being sad that elvis died, and im a sucker for kevlar 

4x13 Never Again: Iconic is all i need to say

4x14 Memento Mori: yeah the cancer arc sucks and all but the msr is soo good in this like i can never get over it, the flowers

4x20 Small Potatoes: a great light hearted episode in which scully and “mulder” almost KISS

4x22 Elegy: this episode makes my list because it is so raw and emotional, because mulder gives scully no personal space ever, the bowling scene. scully’s session with the therapist

5x01/02 Redux & Redux II: “keep going fbi woman”, mulder never ceasing to cry about scully, “one sorry son of a bitch speaking”, all the kisses, the hand holding, mulder coming back “from the dead” because he had to see scully, the smile when he tells skinner her cancer is in remission

5x04 Detour: “kill me now”, the wine and cheese (poor scully she really tried), “i dont wanna wrestle”, “maybe if i rains sleeping bags you’ll get lucky”

5x05 The Post-Modern Prometheus: a happy motw ep is always great, b&w, the humor in this one is just golden, the dancing scene of course

5x10 Chinga: mulder without scully lmaooo, “marry me”, the pencils lmao

5x12 Bad Blood: do i even need to explain my love for this one?

5x19 Folie a Deux: a lot of people dont like this ep for some reason but i do, mulders split lip is Hawt, “one in five billion”, “folie a deux. a madness shared by two”

5x20 The End: fuck diana BUT uh, pic of mulder and scully hanging in the office, gibson impressing the fuck outta everyone, gibson exposing mulder about diana and scully, mulder fuckin up spender, the way scully holds mulder after the office fire

6x03 Triangle: the filming is so beautifully done, i love a good irl AU, the KISS i could write ESSAYS about this kiss, “i love you”

6x06 How the Ghosts Stole Christmas: mulder literally steals scully’s keys so she cant leave, they LITERALLY kill each other and then go exchange gifts after they said they wouldnt get each other anything i mean CMON

6x08 The Rain King: everyone assuming mulder and scully are a couple, “i do not gaze at scully”, scully’s speech to sheils

6x14 Monday: i just really really like this episode for some odd reason i cant put my finger on

6x15 Arcadia: again, another episode that i don’t feel the need to explain why i love it lol

6x18 Milagro: scully being fascinated by this guy, mulder being possessive jealous and worrisome, the hug when scully doesnt die, scully grabbing mulders arm, “in my book I’ve written that agent scully falls in love. but that’s obviously impossible. agent scully is already in love.”

6x19 The Unnatural: the ice cream thing, the ripping of the document, i do enjoy the story, fuckin mulder and his baseball obsession, the Scene (you know the one) hips before hands OO baby

6x21 Field Trip: a very cool episode, mulder telling scully that he ends up being right like 98.9% of the time and shes like o fuck, she thinks mulder is dead :’(, they literally trip together, the hand hold at the end

7x06 The Goldberg Variation: lots of good ol flirting, i enjoy the case, the sink lmaoooo, “i like baseball too”

7x14 Theef: “i’ll always keep you guessing”, mulder saving scully by pulling the pins out of the eyes, 

7x16 Chimera: “do you have a significant other?” “not in the widely understand definition of that term”, “mulder when you find me dead, my desiccated corpse propped up, staring lifelessly through the telescope at drunken frat boys peeing and vomiting in the gutter, just know that my last thoughts were of you, and how i’d like to kill you” “i’m sorry who is this”, and also mulder just being really great at his job seriously turns me on

7x17 all things: must i explain?

7x19 Hollywood A.D.: a Classic, scully showing tea leoni how to run i heels, mulder packs it to the left, skinman, bubble baths, the laughing and the hand holding at the end i am DECEASED

7x21 Je Souhaite: i def like the case in this one, scully’s entrance to the office in the beginning (hmm someones suspiciously happy), scully and her invisible body lol, mulders wish was fantastic, the whole last scene as well as “well i’m fairly happy. that’s something” atths ya know

7x22 Requiem: ok like even though its depressing as fuck in end i love this ep, scully visibly turned on by the fact that mulder assaulted someone, “let’s go waste some money”, “we could start sharing rooms”, mulder holding scully when she faints in the woods, mulder watching scully with the baby, the whole bed scene, the HUG cause mulder couldnt live without her if something happened, PERGNANt

and as far as season 8 goes….. every episode besides the ones with mulder are meh and lets pretend 9 didnt happen except i guess The Truth was good considering the circumstances

and i aint gon get into the revival ho boy

15. Favorite MSR moments?

most of them are listed above but other than those:

in firewalker when mulder holds scully’s face

when scully puts herself in contempt of court for mulder and then the HUG

BBQ SAUCE

in die hand when mulder rolls himself over scully when shots are firing

all the comfort and care in end game

they way scully cares for mulder when his father and mother die

haha mulders reaction when scully identifies the plane at the bottom of the water

the lace thing, the china pattern thing

scullys concern for mulder in paper hearts and the hug

mulders memoization of scully’s senior thesis

mulder showing off athletically for scully, scully enjoying it

in pine bluff variant when scully recognizes mulder by his bandaged fingers

in dreamland when scully says she would kiss mulder if he wasnt so ugly and the exchange of the sunflower seeds, also mulder knows her breakfast

jealous scully in alpha

the touchstone conversation

the millennium kiss

everytime mulder calls scully dana (beyond the sea, lazarus, the field where i died, trust no 1)

in tooms the first and only time scully calls mulder fox (i know he doesnt really like it but i still wish they did it again because it carries a big weight)

the decontamination shower

when scully cares for mulder when he is in shock

when scully shoots mulder and tends to his wound later

and we musnt forget fight the future and i want to believe

[zandyin]

Some DBH plot hole and general not fun rambling (spoilers)

OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD HE DID NOT JUST HAVE A BLACK PERSON GO “my people were made to feel bad too” HE’S GONE BEYOND SMACKING US IN THE FACE WITH A FRYING PAN AND TURNING OUR COLD CORPSE INTO A PILE OF MUSH WITH HIS HAMFISTEDNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was also talking to a friend earlier that it’s verrrryyy hmmmmmm that Kara and Alice are afraid of Luther at first, cause... well. Kara wasn’t afraid of CREEPY MURDER HOUSE ON A RAINY NIGHT, not at all creeped out by the guy who answered the door with the most villain name ever and BLUE BLOOD ON HIS HANDS (Zlatko? really?), but here comes Luther, just approaching them like anyone else, and the camera angle makes it a point to show you how Luther towers over the two of them. :/ Very unsubtle, Cage.

I’m beyond sick of how “do you get it? ze slavery!!” cage has been with his writing, I’ve kinda accepted the fact that androids have been serving as a representation of the working/lower class for a while, but this is just... too much. Someone pointed out that Luther could possibly be... a reference to... Martin “Luther” King and I’m. HNNNNNNNNN.

Also, Cage, y’know that police officer that asks to come in to see if there are androids? Do you know what a warrant is? I’m assuming laws are generally the same in the future, so any thing that cop found would be inadmissible in court anyways. No warrant? Fuck off! Bye! I guessss you could argue those characters present wouldn’t know about the law, but... it’s all so convenient, lol.

Ah, I’m jumping out of order but I’m writing this as it comes... so Markus? Infiltrating that building. He looked GREAT. Where did he get those new threads, tho? Am I supposed to assume he stole those too? Lol. ALSO... WHY HIS MOUTH MOVE WHEN THE RECEPTIONIST RIGHT THERE?? It was established androids can just link up mentally and communicate that way, how is hacking into a phone any different? Why can Markus hack so much, anyways? Will it be explained? I read some comments that say “not really, it’s just implied” and that’s cheap haha. We’ll see, tho. THE SCALING THE BUILDING SCENE PAST THE “RISE” SIGN... HHHHHUDDUSDFKJSDFLK CAGE PLS I’M ALREADY A BLOODY PULP FROM THIS MERCILESS BEATING OF OVERT SYMBOLISM. Why didn’t they just take the window washing scaffold thing? Who hid the uniform, btw... was it a human? AH JUMPING BACK TO KARA’S THING, how is there already an “underground railroad” when it seems deviancy is relatively new? Apparently the whole game takes place over the course of a week and now I’m even more B0 about it.

Speaking of that break in, why.... how... Simon and Josh? How did they just breeze thru security? How’d they get on that elevator, lol. Also North is just human at this point. Her little “ladies first” quip is... far too human. I don’t like how Markus and Kara got shafted into just BEING human after their first scene. Connor’s going a lil faster than I like, but he’s been more of an android than those two at this point. I heard Connor’s parts were the least touched by Cage, haha... Markus and Kara tho? Oh boy, you can tell he’s all over those. Yikes.

Someone pointed out it’s funny that Markus is the poster boy for the android rebellion cause he lived a (relatively) privileged life. I don’t think they ever touch on this? I think it’d be a cool thing to explore.

Ah, when Alice says “why do they hate US” i’m like... alright cage, we got the hint of him never reporting his daughter missing, so she’s probably an android you bought to abuse, huh? can androids not identify other androids? Or is it just Kara?

Y’all I’m just about androids who actually act uncanny valley and not like Markus and Kara. They are still cute, just... victims of a cage game, y’know? I can see why people draw/write them better stuff. It’s ALL better than their canon, lol.

In other news, we have talked about a android AU for Raidou/Dahn and the other problematic rarepair, so I’ll probably write something about that later.

[preservationandruin]

Oathbringer Liveblog Part Five, Chapters 114-116

This part is titled New Unity, which I can only hope is a positive sign. Our perspectives are, somehow, an EVEN LONGER LIST THAN LAST TIME: The Knights Radiant, which could include up to like seven people; Ash; Navani; Adolin; Taravangian; Yanagawn (better known as Gawx); Palona; Vyre; and Wit.

Yes, that is--of course--nine viewpoints. Wonderful. Nine, just coming up again and again. 

Dalinar meets the Mother and in the present-day starts gathering his resolve. Unfortunately, at precisely that moment in every single setting we’re near, everything goes directly to hell. 

Flashback, because god forbid we catch up on any of those tantalizing plot threads left dangling throughout the Interludes and the end of the last Part

Dalinar wakes up in a Stormwagon. He’s clearly just had a Vision--one of the first--but hasn’t really realized what’s going on. We get that one of Dalinar’s soldiers--Felt--actually had visited the Nightwatcher before. Apparently, the Nightwatcher didn’t actually come for Felt--she doesn’t visit everyone. You go in right after dark, alone, because she doesn’t like groups. We get a flock of “chickens”--black, size of a fist, seem like they’re close to being Starlings to me. 

The Nightwatcher lives in a valley that is exploding with plant life. All of it falls on top of itself, a wild overgrowth. 

Dalinar heads inward, once night falls. 

He could barely see in the darkness, but Felt had been right--trails revealed themselves as vines and branches bent away from him, allowing Dalinar entrance with the same reluctance as guards allowing an unfamiliar man into the presence of their king.  He had hoped for the Thrill to aid him here. This was a challenge, was it not? He felt nothing, not even a hint. 

GOOD. The Thrill is the last thing you want to be feeling, pretty much ever. 

Wait. What was that? A sound different from scurries in the underbrush or vines withdrawing. He stopped in place. It was... Weeping.  Oh, Almighty above. No. He heard a boy weeping, pleading for his life. It sounded like Adolin. Dalinar turned from the sound, searching the darkness. Other screams and pleas joined that one, people burning as they died. 

Of course, it wasn’t going to be that easy. Dalinar tries to run, but the undergrowth trips him; the voices grow and he panics, summoning Oathbringer and trying to clear space. 

Suddenly he saw himself in the Unclaimed Hills, fighting those traitorous parshmen. He saw himself killing, and hacking, and murdering. He saw his lust, eyes wide and teeth clenched in a dreadful grin. A skull’s grin.  He saw himself strangling Elhokar, who had never possessed his father’s poise or charm. Dalinar took the throne. It should have been his anyway.  His armies poured into Herdaz, then Jah Keved. He became a king of kings, a mighty conqueror whose accomplishments far overshadowed those of his brother. Dalinar forged a unified Vorin empire that covered half of Roshar. An unparalleled feat!  And he saw them burn.  Hundreds of villages. Thousands upon thousands of people. It was the only way. If town resisted, you burned it to the ground. You slaughtered any who fought back, and you left the corpses of their loved ones to feed the scavengers. You sent terror before you like a storm until your enemies surrendered. 

This is what he sees for himself if he escapes alcoholism. Holy shit. The epitome of “do you sacrifice people for something great.” And Dalinar--the great man in Dalinar, the one fighting the horrible man--knows that that’s not what he wants. 

And the Nightwatcher comes. 

Hello, human. You smell of desperation. The feminine voice was like a hundred overlapping whispers. The elongated figure moved among the trees ringing the clearing, stalking him like a predator. 

The Nightwatcher is a dark green mist, vaguely like a person crawling, long essence trailing behind her, distended limbs reaching out. The only detail is a face, vaguely feminine. Hands sprout from the mist that is her, thousands of them, holding Dalinar’s face. 

What is it you wish of me? the Nightwatcher asked. What boon drives you, Son of Honor? Son of Odium? 

That’s a very interesting way to refer to him. 

The boon he asks for is forgiveness. She pauses, asking if he wants various things, including “a blade that bleeds darkness and cannot be defeated.” 

Did...did she have Nightblood at some point? Because that sure sounds like Nightblood. 

Nightwatcher keeps asking him, until something--speaking like Stormy does in ALL CAPITALS--interrupts her. 

Hesitant, Dalinar turned and found a woman with brown skin--the color of darkwood bark--standing at the edge of the clearing. She had a matronly build and wore a sweeping brown dress.  Mother? the Nightwatcher said. Mother, he came to me. I was going to bless him. 

SHE.

Dalinar walks with her into the forest, the Nightwatcher walking beside them; she says she lets the Nightwatcher hold court because it helps her understand humanity. She tells Dalinar to ask Honor for forgiveness; he answers that he couldn’t find it there. 

“I am doomed, then,” Dalinar whispered, stopping in place. He could still hear those voices. “They weep, Mother.”  She looked back at him. 

The first time she turns to look at him is when he calls her Mother. 

This woman...she was more than he could see. Vines from her dress curled into the earth, permeating everything. In that moment, he knew that he was not seeing her, but instead a fragment with which he could interact.  This woman extended into eternity. 

She says she will not make him into who he can become, although she will take his “compulsions”--his alcoholism, I assume. And she says she will provide a “pruning,” a careful excision to help him grow. Which is exactly what she did. And she warned him that the cost would be high. 

IT WILL DO ME WELL TO HAVE A PART OF YOU, EVEN IF YOU ULTIMATELY BECOME HIS. YOU WERE ALWAYS BOUND TO COME TO ME. I CONTROL ALL THINGS THAT CAN BE GROWN, NURTURED.  THAT INCLUDES THE THORNS. 

FUCK THAT PLAY ON THE NAME “BLACKTHORN” IS SO GOOD

Anyway. She warned him that she would take Evi from him as well--and Dalinar, realizing that he never deserved her, tells her to do it. 

And when he crawls out of the forest, he’s forgotten. He assumes Evi was killed by assassins, and that his breakdown was due only to grief at her death. And he asks to find a copy of the Way of Kings. 

Over to Dalinar in the present. This epigraph is from the Eila Stele, talking about the coming of humanity to Roshar. 

The Voidbringers are coming toward Thaylen City, heading in on the storm. It hangs in the air over Thaylen City. The Alethi start pouring out of the city to fight them--Amaram’s troops,  which doesn’t give me high hopes, but, you know, Amaram is good at killing people, so there’s that at least. 

“You know, Cultivation warned me that my memories would return. She said she was ‘pruning’ me. Do you know why she did that? Did I have to remember?”  I do not know. Is it relevant?  “That depends on the answer to a question,” Dalinar said. He carefully closed the book atop the dresser before the window, then felt the symbols on the cover. “What is the most important step a man can take?” 

Cut to Shadesmar. Shallan, Adolin, and Kaladin are uniformly worried, especially given that there’s a “large dark mass of living red light” is on the shore--probably the Everstorm. We haven’t seen it in here, yet. And then there’s six Fused. 

Pretty bullshit odds. Shallan is pretty close to despairing. Syl and Kaladin are determined to get through. We head over to Jasnah, who has realized that Thaylen City is--probably--lost. Ivory also says that there’s a traitor, which is what she’s been suspecting. 

Also, Jasnah in a scout’s tunic and trousers. 

Listen I’m just a hopeless bi living my life here.

OH FUCK

A spren rose from [Renarin’s] back, bright red, shimmering like the heat of a mirage. A crystalline structure, like a snowflake, though it dripped light upward toward the ceiling. In her pouch, she carried a sketch of the proper spren of the Truthwatchers.  And this was something different. 

NO NO NO NO NO JASNAH TARAVANGIAN’S THE TRAITOR NOT RENARIN NO

Also, he’s in Pailiah’Elin’s temple--she was the one who led the Truthwatchers, if I remember right. Awwwh, Ren...

Venli is noting that Odium is very ready to spend lives--listener and singer lives, not only human lives. Timbre is more solidly getting “she” pronouns, here. Venli’s on the battlefield as an interpreter. The singers are...not happy with fighting. Some of them are fishers. They don’t, necessarily, want vengeance. They just want somewhere to call home. 

The Fused says they have “the wrong Passion,” saying that the Alethi were much more willing to attack their own areas. 

And then the air around Venli fills with ghostly spren--the Fused who haven’t chosen a body. 

Most were twisted to the point that she barely recognized them as singers. Two were roughly the size of buildings. She could see these overlaid on the real world, but somehow knew they would be invisible to most.

And then Odium appears to her, as a white-and-gold Parshman. Because god forbid this pretentious asshole look normal. Still, the fact that he’s personally overseeing the battle...is bad. 

Over to Teft, who is hiding. He’s feeling like he lets everyone down, every time he destroys himself he destroys all the people around him. 

When he looked up, she was there. The woman made of light and air, with curls of hair that vanished into mist.  “Why are you following me?” Teft growled. “Go pick one of the others. Kelek! Pick anyone but me.” 

Teft, you might not have heard, but honorspren are really stubborn. 

OH FUCK THE VOIDBRINGERS USED THE OATHGATE TO KHOLINAR TO ATTACK URITHIRU. FUCK. WHY DIDN’T I THINK THAT MIGHT BE A POSSIBILITY?? HOW DID THEY OPEN IT--

--the honorblade. Fuck. 

I’m really hoping I’m wrong as we switch over to Navani. 

Navani is saying they’re more likely to do well than Feh thinks--because Amaram is a renowned tactician. I...have less faith in Amaram’s abilities. 

OH FUCK ME THERE ARE THUNDERCLASTS

Out in the field between the enemy troops and the Alethi ones, the ground shattered. Lines and cracks split the stone, and then an enormous stone arm pulled itself from the ground--the fractures having outlined its hand, forearm, elbow, and upper arm.  A monster easily thirty feet tall pulled itself from the stone, dropping chips and dust on the enemy below. 

AND THEN THERE’S AN EVEN STRONGER ONE IN THE WATER. FUCK THIS. You know how I mentioned Pacific Rim the first time a thunderclast showed up?? Yeah, getting those vibes again. 

Great time for half of your Radiants to be stuck in an alternate dimension and the other half to maybe be fighting each other. 

Odium recognizes the Fused and refers to them as old friends, although they call him ‘master,’ so it’s not a very equal friendship. 

OH FUCK THE THING IS COMING OUT OF THE OCEAN

Something came surging out. Something primeval, something Venli had felt but never truly known. Red mist. Ephemeral, like a shadow you see on a dark day and mistake for something real. Charging red horses, angry and galloping. The forms of men, killing and dying, shedding blood and reveling in it. Bones piled atop one another, making a hill upon which men struggled.  The red mist climbed up from the surging waves, rolling out onto an empty section of rock, northward along the rim of the water. It brought to her a lust for the battlefield. A beautiful focus, a Thrill for the fight. 

FUCK. 

Anyway, in Shadesmar, the “giant red spren”--so that was the Unmade, the thrill--vanishes, as do more and more of the army. Soon, the army is gone, leaving only the six fused. Kaladin thinks he can fight them as a distraction. 

“Passion,” Odium said. “There is great Passion here.”  Venli felt cold. “I’ve prepared these men for decades,” Odium said. “Men who want nothing so much as something to break, to gain vengeance against the one who killed their highprince. Let the singers watch and learn. I’ve prepared a different army to fight for us today.”  Ahead of them on the battlefield, the human ranks slumped, their banner wavering. A man in glittering Shardplate, sitting upon a white horse, led them.  Deep within his helm, something started glowing red. 

A) Fuck me, this was smart of him. Sadeas’s army hates the Kholins, they want vengeance, and the Thrill--which they’ve been culturally conditioned to like--just hit them like a hammer

B) the dude in shardplate...that’s Amaram, right? A voidspren has...bonded with Amaram? 

FINALLY, AN EXCUSE TO KILL HIM

A sketch of the Oathgate guardians. They’re incredible and I love them. 

Cutting this here, just to get this out. More will be coming soon. 

[wendynerdwrites]

Is it wrong that I keep writing fics where Jon returns to WF to find that 1) The lords of the Vale, North, and Trident have all named her Queen and 2) that she’s banging other people?

And he freaks the fuck out and acts all crazy-jealous and she (and her lover[s]) are all, “Um, you mad, Bro? She’s a grown woman and this is her kingdom. You have literally no business here. Why should you give a crap? We’re all consenting adults, she’s not even your real sister, she’s told you 100k times to stop trying to protect her (and let’s face it, you totally suck at that anyway. We have an Ice Dragon to deal with now thanks to the utter incompetence of you and your new queen. If you were really so concerned about her, you would have a) written to her more than once, b) listened to her about Cersei and c) warned her that your jackasses LEFT A DRAGON CORPSE WITH THE DEMON KING THAT REANIMATES CORPSES). She’s under a LOT OF STRESS and one of her few sources of relief are the orgasms I/We give her every night. And you’re banging that hot, dumb dragon queen anyways. Sansa isn’t throwing shit over that even though you LITERALLY TRIED TO GIVE HER COUNTRY TO THAT INCOMPETENT BITCH. She doesn’t because your bedchamber is none of her business and even if it was, she’s too busy evacuating  areas targeted for Ice Dragon attack, feeding and sheltering refugees, securing our borders, and trying to sustain our armies so we aren’t all turned into Ice Zombies. So why don’t you just fuck off? Don’t you have more important things to think about, like, say, fighting that ICE DRAGON DESTROYING EVERYTHING THAT IS KIND OF YOUR FAULT? OR THE FACT THAT YOU ARE THE RIGHTFUL HEIR TO IRON THRONE? OR THAT DRAGON HOTTIE YOU’RE BANGING? WHY ARE WE EVEN HAVING THIS CONVERSATION?”

And Jon is pushed and pushed until finally he explodes, “BECAUSE I AM MADLY IN LOVE WITH HER!” 

And Sansa and/or her lover(s) respond all, “Really? Well...You ignore her about Ramsay and you nearly get your army killed until she rides in and saves your ass. You take credit for her victory, let yourself be crowned, and use that as an excuse to ignore her, then accuse her of “undermining” you for speaking up at court, literally the only outlet she has to make her voice heard. Then in private you dismissed the idea of listening to her and accuse her of admiring the woman who ruined her life because Sansa said she was a threat. Then you pretended to listen to her, only to change your mind and not tell her before you announce it to the court. You leave the North and the defense against upcoming Undead to her, basically leaving her with all the responsibility of running a kingdom while you’re incommunicado for months, kept prisoner on Dragonstone (as she warned you), embarking on a suicide mission to secure a deal with Cersei (that she told your not to trust) and write to her that you’ve surrendered the country that she and so many others have fought and bled for to the daughter of the Mad King who murdered your uncle and grandfather, who roasted the Tarly’s alive, and left a dragon corpse with the Night’s King and didn’t tell anyone. Now you’re throwing a fit because the woman who is trying to clean up all of your messes seeks relief in the arms of a lover or three. Maybe you love her, Jon. but you’re really bad at it. If you want to become better at it, Jon, you should get into the habit of listening, instead of this back and forth you have between intruding and abandoning.”

...Okay, now I’ve had a few cups of wine...

And Jon has this spiritual awakening when he realizes what he’s done. He has to make amends and learns to accept all this and take responsibility for his mistakes. But even after he’s done this, he realizes that he doesn’t have any “Right” to her, and sees that Sansa’s lifestyle offers her the lone source of true relief in brilliantly leading her kingdom through winter and war. He notices that many of her lovers truly, truly love her and have been her strength throughout these horrible circumstances. That with them, Sansa for the first time doesn’t feel alone or unworthy or unfit. And he accepts this lifestyle and discovers relief and comfort for his own demons when he surrenders into his cousin’s harem. And he finds that not only is he in love with Sansa, he loves the others and finds true happiness with them/. But jealous Dany discovers this and is furious at first until Jon eases her into an encounter with two maids who eat her pussy like it’s a banquet placed before a starving man. After being so embraced by love and understanding Dany’s tyrannical impulses are banished and they all form a polyamorous powerzord of political power among them. And pansexual polyamorous powerzord defeats the Night’s King and Cersei with...

(of course it’s a bit more complicated than that, but the point is that everyone works and comes together because DATS DA POWER OF LOVE! Everyone gets over sexual hangups and Jon, Sansa, and their new lover (s) not only become the proud parents of the heirs to Winterfell and the Iron Throne, but a harem of healthy, consenting, willing adults who long for a place where they can be accepted for what they are.

Some of my harem lovers:

[clan-fuildarach]

marital tension

a quick look into rosa’s daily life and her relationship with atropa and corin. also foreshadowing for tomorrow’s Big Update ayy

~

Somewhere in the depths of the ramshackle city that had grown up outside fortress Dorchadas, a rooster crowed.

Rosa groaned, dragging a hand over her face to scrub away her sleep. Her hair was a greasy tangled nest around her head. When she opened her eyes there was a brief moment of Where am I? when she saw the bare rafters above her head. She was not in the royal suite, that was certain. Then the night before crashed into her like a physical force and she sat up.

Ember's hand fell off her chest. Rosa glanced back; Ember, a mercenary, was still asleep, her scarred limbs spread-eagled and her cropped hair sticking up at the back. Rosa reached out as if to nudge her awake, but at the last moment her hand faltered and fell to her side.

Instead, she slipped carefully out of bed and collected her commoner disguise from the floor. The plain cotton clothing grated against her skin, which felt hot and sensitive from the night before. She carefully caught up her hair and wound a headscarf around it, wincing a little as the rough cloth touched the bite marks that trailed under her ear and down the side of her neck.

Finally, she laced up her boots and headed for the door. This was no royal suite; Ember was lucky enough to have two rooms to live in. Her kitchen was crowded against the wall, close to the bed. It made entry and exit easy and mostly unimpeded.

As she pushed the front door open, there was a rustle from behind her.

“Wait,” Ember said, her sleepy voice thick with confusion. “Hey, where are you going?”

Rosa left.

Hunching her shoulders against the gazes of the dragons who crowded the street outside, she set off back towards the fortress. As she went she passed by a seedy inn, where her own bodyguard, Myra, had been staying the night. Her armour hidden by a long cloak, Myra clanked a little as she ran to greet Rosa.

“Morning, Your Majesty,” she said, lowering her voice to a whisper. “You know, it would make my job a lot easier if you didn't disappear on me every night.”

“But you still found me,” Rosa said, beckoning.

Myra snorted, nodding. She was a large, no-nonsense sort of woman with a broadsword almost as long as Rosa was tall strapped to her back under her cloak. “One day I'll be waiting out here and you won't come back, and then I'll be out of a job.”

“Nonsense,” Rosa said, “any noble in the court would sacrifice a first-born to have you as their bodyguard.”

They approached the enormous fortress doors, which were currently held open to allow the flow of traders and handservants to enter the court for their morning rounds. Rosa and her escort blended in with the crowd. Myra eyed each passer-by with a practised look of suspicion.

“Who was the lucky lady last night, then?” she said.

“A wildclaw mercenary,” Rosa said quietly, her gaze set dead ahead. It felt as if her chest was slowly being crushed as she recalled the night before. She didn't want to go back to the court. She wanted to lie in Ember's arms all morning and have breakfast with her.

“Mercenaries, warriors, pit-fighters,” Myra said. “I'm sensing a pattern here, Your Majesty.”

Rosa simply nodded. She didn't want to explain why she tended to go for the rougher sort of woman when she could hardly walk down the street without spotting at least five girls she could imagine spending the rest of her life with. The trappings of femininity could be beautiful on someone else, but lately all they did was remind her of her own life, of the splendour of court, of everything she wanted to get away from.

Somehow, she'd thought that being queen would be different. She'd thought she'd have enough power, finally, to do whatever she wanted. But that was not what had happened. As soon as Corin was of age, she'd promised herself, it would be time for her to abdicate.

She and Myra made it back to the royal suite un-accosted. It was so early in the morning that there was no one of consequence around to see her slip back into her quarters; the nobles tended to sleep in.

Half an hour later she emerged from her room, dressed like a queen once again, cocooned in her finery. Her head held high, she joined her family in the breakfast room and took a seat, pushing her chair as far away from Atropa as she could. He didn't glance up as she entered, engrossed in some documents emblazoned with the Winterborn crest.

Corin didn't react much to her entrance, either, which was unusual for him. He poked at his breakfast, apparently deep in thought. There were dark rings under his eyes.

“Well, Corin,” Rosa said, trying to inject a bright tone into her voice, “what are you doing today? Meeting up with Prince Angelo again?”

Corin nodded. “Mm. Maybe.”

“You should invite him round for dinner one day,” Rosa said, with the fervent hope that no outside royalty would ever see what her home life was really like.

Atropa turned a page with a rustle, speaking without looking up. “You'd better not be neglecting your classes.”

Corin nodded again, then abruptly pushed back his chair and rose to his feet. “I have to meet my tutor now,” he said. “Can I be excused?”

“Fine,” Atropa said with a wave of the hand. “Remember to pay attention to him, this time. He told me yesterday that you weren't...” He trailed off with a short sigh. Corin was already gone.

Rosa no longer had any reason to stay; she'd already made a point of never being alone in a room with Atropa, a habit established well before her coronation. After marrying Adair, she'd gone to live in the Winterborn hold with all his adoptive brothers, including Atropa. When she'd finally left, incredibly relieved at the prospect of never ever having to interact with Atropa again, she had done her best to forget about what she had witnessed in the hold.

Zaer had known, of course, that she was massively uncomfortable around Atropa. Which was exactly why he'd been sent over to marry her after her coronation.

“You're too soft on him,” Atropa said, folding shut his documents.

“Forgive me,” Rosa said, her voice icy cold, “if I refuse to take parental advice from a beast.”

He sighed, as if she was simply being unreasonable. “You know I'm right,” he said, “and in five years when he can't handle his own responsibilities, you'll wish you had listened.”

She paused with her hand on the door handle. “My son will be a king,” she said, a touch of pride in her tone, “not a spineless, glorified merchant - nor a filthy excuse for a dragon, like you.”

“He's my son too,” Atropa said softly, meeting her eyes for the first time. “in fact, he's more mine than yours. Once he's older he'll see that there's more worth in the company than there is in this archaic monarchy business.”

She wrenched the door open. “I'm not wasting my time arguing with the likes of you. Go fuck a corpse or something, we’re done here.”

“One more thing,” Atropa said, as if the two of them had merely been arguing about a stain on the tablecloth. “It's about Corin's bodyguard.”

Rosa had to linger on the threshold. “What about him?” She could only sort of picture the bodyguard in question; brightly coloured and small for a guardian, but deadly with a rapier. He'd always seemed amiable enough.

“He's unsuitable for the job,” Atropa said, the first shred of annoyance entering his tone. “He didn't turn up for almost three days, and now he seems constantly on the verge of falling asleep. He's not vigilant enough to be a bodyguard.”

Rosa was torn for a moment, between her desire to oppose every single decision Atropa ever made, and her common sense telling her that this really was not appropriate bodyguard behaviour. She compromised; “Fine. I will find a new bodyguard for him. Myra will know someone.”

“Very good,” Atropa said, opening his document again and reaching for his teacup.

With a suppressed snarl, Rosa slammed the door shut in her wake.

[theowlsarenotwhattheyremembers]

Episode 1: Dragonstone

Right guys I know you’ll have already watched this but look I only just started this blog and I can’t miss the first episode off also you will benefit from my insights regardless. 

!!!! I have been in a state of extreme agitation all year and I can’t actually cope with the fact that it’s here. I am not emotionally prepared and do not know what I just saw. 

Scene 1: Did everyone else not realise that was Arya and think we were in a flashback? I am so overwhelmed I am just right there in the moment I have no idea what’s about to happen. Then all those ratface (rats are intelligent moral creatures but you know what I mean) Freys start coughing up their own lower organs!! When did Arya learn about poisons? Was her training montage long enough to justify this?? I guess it was! And I know the Freys have deathsentence hospitality karma but baking your sons in a pie and feeding it to you and then dressing up in your corpse and poisoning your entire family - is that an eye for an eye according to whichever god is keeping score in this case? I guess possibly! 

This recap blog is going to have an eye for History and Fable (matters which I know only very modest amounts about but there is google) and the sparknotes on Titus Andronicus on which the pie move is based indicates that it may lead to an ambivalent conclusion:

[After a succession of grisly heinous acts of reciprocal violence, Titus] tricks [Tamora, Queen of the Goths], captures her sons, kills them, and makes pie out of them. He feeds this pie to their mother in the final scene, after which he kills both Tamora and Lavinia, his own daughter. A rash of killings ensue; the only people left alive are Marcus [Titus’ brother], Lucius [Titus’ son], Young Lucius [his son], and Aaron [Tamora’s lover]. Lucius has the unrepentant Aaron buried alive, and Tamora's corpse thrown to the beasts. He becomes the new emperor of Rome.

This does not end well for the pie baker, though I suppose his kin are the ones who ultimately triumph. My male friends will often assume that I, a woman, feel empowered and liberated by the character of Arya, the traumatised magical child murderer. Not so, friends. My favourite liberated Game of Thrones #strongfemalecharacter is the lost unlamented Ros, sex worker from the north invented for TV for the purposes of the early sexposition-heavy plot who voyages down south with the Starks and whose illustrious sex spy career is wastefully cut short by Cunt Joffrey. Ros was working-class woman who fled the north before winter even came, whose talents were picked up by the farsighted Varys and who would have made an incredible Kings Landing player had it not been for the misogyny of Joffrey and the script writers and the twat fans who think the TV has to be like the crappy books which I have not read. Rest in Power Ros, this blog is dedicated to you. 

Anyway I haven’t really recapped anything yet and this blog is already overlong  so let’s get back to it. 

Scene 2: The army of the north are coming!! This is too terrifying, it’s hot outside but I am wrapped in a blanket. There are multiple ice zombie giants as we all knew there would be. Let’s remember that like one living giant almost successfully broke through the gate at Castle Black during the wildling battle ages ago; multiple zombie giants are going to make fucking matchsticks of it no magic required, though they probably also have loads of that, those dragons need to get here pronto. Also why haven’t they iceblocked up the gate like Jon said they should ages ago??

Scene 2.5 (s2 was a vision I guess) Commander Dolorous Edd opens the gate to Meera and Bran, and asks if they are wildlings. Why does it matter? Wildlings can all come in anyway, that’s very much the policy now. Also if anything Bran saying “you were at Hardhome” etc only makes him seem more like a wildling, and a scary one? Anyway, no-one cares / everyone is too spooked to stay outside for long and so thank god poor Meera in particular can have a massive eat and a sleep by the fire. She and her magic and fighting skills have been wasted on being a less effective Hodor / wheelchair substitute, I eagerly anticipate her being given a chance to shine now our kids are back to what passes for civilisation. 

Scene 3: Jon and Sansa are still holding court with the whole Northern gentry from last season. At least all those guys look warm in that nice hall toasting their feet on Winterfell’s famous underfloor heating! That awful bloke from the Vale *googles it* Yohn Royce makes an extremely unreasonable and tactics-free suggestion to demolish some of the last strongholds between them and the wall because of “justice” or whatever. Sansa points out that the castles themselves didn’t commit crimes (top-notch statecraft) but suggests they be given to loyal families to punish treason and reward loyalty. Jon makes a generous decision to let the young Karstarks and Umbers stay in their homes despite their twatty dads, making the good and frankly biblical point that the sons shouldn’t be punished for their fathers’ sins. Sansa is unhappy about this and she is probably a better king than Jon, or rather, I think they are both good kings but need to team up and respect each other, which she is really keen to do but unfortunately is also a woman so this makes things harder for everyone because they have to unlearn misogyny first.

Then she tells Littlefinger who barges in to their important conversation what would make her so happy was if he shut up and fucked off, and not to bother trying to get the last word, she’ll just assume it was clever. Which is a King’s Landing style burn! Please Jon, show that this queen is not wasted on the north. Also please Littlefinger, fuck off and die. 

Scene 4:  I collapsed a couple of bits into one there but I am aware that this is too long already because of my Titus Andronicus and Roslove detour, for which I am unrepentant, tune back in next post for more of the same. ANYWAY, here she is, best villain in GoT. She may be evil, but who wouldn’t be in her position? Cersei marches over a map of Westeros telling Jaime she is already 5 moves ahead of him and has an Armada on the way headed by a man who is desperate to impress her. Everyone thinks Jaime is going to kill her, but might she not kill Jaime? She absolutely has no further fucks to give whatsoever and just wants power and revenge and to die a fabulous drunk old evil empress with ten husbands each more devoted and militarily useful than the last. I hope she dies much sooner than that! I also think she will because she can’t be the one to win the game of thrones. Can she?? Could the alcoholic childless widow of the usurper king really win in the end? She could have more children if she could be bothered probably, if she was in a mood to consider dynastic matters. In this scene, she is not, and is just savouring the prospect of ruling the world asap and as bloodily as you like. 

Scene 5: And here he fucking is! They really did cut down every tree on the Iron Islands! How did they throw this fleet together so quickly! It does not look like they cut corners! Those boats are fucking terrifying!

Is this even scene 5? Cersei and Jaime are immediately there, standing on the balcony, watching Euron’s terrifying Armada approach. Everything is happening extremely fast. This is not like the midseasons when everyone was walking painfully slowly around the Riverlands. Why do they have to get it all over as quickly as possible? Have they run out of money? I am no less overwhelmed than ever.

Scene 6: Thesp Goth Euron woos Cersei by saying she’s the most beautiful woman in the world and promising to give her a priceless gift to get to her woman’s heart. This is very tacky but it kind of confirms her power as actual queen and is a highpoint so far since the nadir of the Walk of Shame. Do you think the wildfire explosion of all the King’s Landing gentry and the Sparrows was the highpoint? Maybe that was the violence highpoint, and this is the statecraft highpoint. Also Euron’s “gift” is going to be more violence, and he also offers up his “two good hands,” at which Jaime, on behalf of us all, recoils. 

Cersei seems likely to graciously accept the first gift before declining the second. Has her Sparrows experience taught her not to unleash forces against her enemies which she then cannot control and which then turn on her? Probably not!

I hate that sleazy prat Euron and can’t believe that Fantasizr drafted him into my Game of Game of Thrones league. Any points I get for him are a badge of shame (I got 15 for this scene). 

Scene 7: Sam stars in music video soup poop library montage! Sam during this is confirmed as the fat nerd with a goatee and slicked back hair avatar of the show’s condescending idea of what a GoT fan looks like, corroborating the theory that Sam is actually the narrator / the Perspective from which the story is seen. Sam nicks some useful books after Jim Broadbent tells him he believes but doesn’t care that the White Walkers and the Long Night are coming. There is science going on in the Citadel, medical science involving weighing organs. This science needs to be more applied. Incidentally everyone, Game of Thrones is not medieval, it is Early Modern:

What Martin actually gives us is a fantasy version of what the historian Alfred Crosby called the Post-Columbian exchange: the globalizing epoch of the 16th and 17th centuries. A world where merchants trade exotic drugs and spices between continents, where professional standing armies can number in the tens or hundreds of thousands, where scholars study the stars via telescopes, and proto-corporations like the Iron Bank of Braavos and the Spicers of Qarth control global trade. It’s also a world of slavery on a gigantic scale, and huge wars that disrupt daily life to an unprecedented degree.

[…] even the medieval aesthetics of the show owes a debt to the 16th and 17th centuries. As any scholar of the The Fairie Queene will tell you, Renaissance literature is replete with tales of chivalry, jousting, dragon-slaying, and magic. Writers from Spencer to Cervantes displayed and abiding fascination with these medieval tropes precisely because they were witnessing their demise. And our modern conception of the Middle Ages, which emerged out of the Victorians’ fascination with Neo-Gothic and Pre-Raphaelite aesthetics, was actually based upon these early modern retellings of medieval life.

So why, outside of dorky pedantry, does any of this matter? Because fantasy worlds are never just fantasy. They appeal to us because they refract our own histories and speak to contemporary interests. George R.R. Martin’s fantasy has grown to enormous popularity in part because of its modernity, not its “medieviality.”

Scene 8: Back at Winterfell, we get to see Tormund’s brilliant face he puts on when he looks at Brienne:

To me this is adorable rather than creepy because though Tormund is a sex pest, it feels like this comes from a place of respect and genuine adoration. Also Brienne could dispatch him devastatingly before he knew what was happening and he absolutely knows it. 

Actually this scene is where Sansa delivers her burn to Littlefinger, but onwards!

Scene 9: The unforgivable casting and all-round existence of Ed Sheeran aside, this scene was bad because of the insufferably one-dimensional laid-on-thick Simple Honest Country Blokeness of the Lannister soldiers. Arya is obviously considering whether or not to kill them, do you think? But they are so Nice she reconsiders. 

The fact that she is still more than capable of affection, forming relationships, caring about people and so on, as also witnessed by that actor mother figure she befriended last season, indicates that despite ongoing trauma (actor murdered horribly in front of her, like all her friends) she is not the cold psycho she sometimes pretends she is. She is not Cersei (yet anyway). This is the point of this scene. Also to confirm that she is working through her list and Cersei is next. 

Scene 10: More redemption of traumatised killer characters! The Hound is riding with the Brotherhood Without Banners in a frozen bucolic twilight. What an adorable combo! Lines like “Why are you always in such a foul mood?” “Experience” and “There is no Divine Justice, you dumb cunt. If there was, you’d be dead” indicate that the BwB bring out the best in my bff @lasophus’ favourite character. They stop at the place where The Hound robbed those innocent country folk a few seasons back, as we were reminded of in the excitingly scored Previously sequence at the beginning. They have subsequently died of starvation-related causes as he and Arya predicted they would at the time. The Hound is now sorry and sees a vision in the flames of the Army of the Dead and buries the bodies of his victims and says some adorable words over them. The Hound’s redemption story is much more moving and interesting and spiritual than Jaime’s (a plotline I name “Choozy the Floozy” because of its Manichean orbit around his two love interests Evil Cersei and Good Brienne). But meanwhile the dramatic irony is killing us viewers at home! That poor little girl and her dad are going to rise as wights!! 

Scene 11: Sam fails to impress by finding out in the stolen restricted classified high-importance books that he was sent to the Citadel to read something that Stannis already told everyone but they ignored because he was too boring to listen to (what a merciful death that was at the hands of Can She Do No Wrong Brienne): Dragonstone needs to become an opencast Dragonglass mine asap. Which is a pity as Dragonstone is such an arresting work in the ‘dragon-brutalist’ style popular at the time of Aegon the Conquerer (which we will be admiring in the next scene but one). Sam fires off a raven to Jon which I hope will not be intercepted by some library rules-stickler maesters. 

Also it’s nice to see Gilly and Little Sam looking so well-dressed and -fed in this scene. Gilly, a sexual abuse survivor subaltern from a wintry hellhole with an evil father and who would otherwise have become an ice zombie by now, is far, far south, in a land where you can still get away with dressing lightly, inside a city which according to awoiaf “is surrounded by massive, thick, high stone walls.” Also their flat looks really nice.

Well done Gilly.

Scene 12: Jorah! Things have not gone well for you! Jorah is an obsessively lovelorn prisoner in a well-regulated, proto-humane leper colony. I guess actually that going to the seat of all worldly learning was a good move, but your terrible disease is going to need more than trolley gruel and a clean cell to be cured. Thankfully Our Sam is wearing gloves when Jorah does his unnecessarily dramatic Ghoul Grab. 

Scene 13: Our queen is coming home and everyone has put on eyeliner for the occasion! The general drift of the season’s wardrobe has been towards a kind of moody, shoulderpads-and-eyemakeup, subdued-charcoal-tones vibe. Everyone is looking great. Especially Cersei actually when she was receiving (at safe distance) Euron, and now Daenerys is looking wonderful too, with fine dragony detailing on her the tips of her shoulderpads. Actually Sansa had this look too, “Goth Military Queen” is clearly going to be massive this season. 

Daenerys has a moving moment with the Westerosi sand when she comes ashore. We have been waiting 6 seasons for this. Oh my god. 

I hope all the dragonglass mining won’t damage these amazing rock formations too much! 

This scene is mainly going to be recapped in screenshots.

A gorgeous example of Early Modern Dragon Brutalism.

Art throne

Fucking YES!

[preservationandruin]

Words of Radiance Part 2, Part 2

I swear to god I am not intentionally replicating Homestuck’s act structure with the parts here. 

Shallan gets serious, Kaladin fights someone else with his powers and falls off a horse, Sadeas is Sadeas, and Adolin starts losing friends. 

Continuing on with Part Two, the listener song epigraph mentions decayform, which “destroys the souls of dreams” and sounds horrifying. Needless to say, it’s one of the forms from the old gods. Anyway, Shallan is talking with Gaz, in part about why he deserted. She gets the details from ground-level about how the lighteyes started fighting not to win, but for sport. She also has started being witty around them, which is hilarious. Vathah still hates her, and she’s doing her best not to let it get to her. Also: 

“If you don’t mind me saying, Brightness. You have quite the clever tongue on you!” 

“I’ve never actually had someone’s tongue on me,” Shallan said, turning a page and not looking up, “clever or not. I’d hazard to consider it an unpleasant experience.” 

“It ain’t so bad,” Gaz said. 

They both looked at him.

“He shrugged. “Just saying. It ain’t...” 

GAZ. 

Also, Shallan thinks for a moment of trying to get Sadeas on her side, which uHHH SHALLAN NO. Pattern also mentions that Voidbringers have their own spren, from Odium. And we also get that Tyn assumes that Shallan is some nobody pulling a con, which...is wrong. Tyn’s assumptions about Shallan really come back to bite her. 

Smokeform is stated to be “though crafted of gods, it was by Unmade hand,” which implies a distinction. Also, Kaladin needs to get on a horse and is completely perplexed by this. He doesn’t trust horses, which...might be fair. I like Jenet, the stablemaster--she’s very frank about everything. And she reacts to Adolin showing up by throwing rocks at him. It gets him to go away and is also lowkey hysterical. Kaladin also just goes to the horse and is like, okay, neither of us want to do this, i understand that. 

Also, Adolin decides to taunt Kaladin again, pointing out a much more feisty horse, and Kaladin--knowing this is a bad idea--goes over to try to ride it. Unsurprisingly, he’s knocked on his ass. He’s very amused by all of it, actually. 

An interesting listener fragment, ending with “Our gods were not who shattered these plains.” Then who did? I still have a theory that it’s where Honor died. Also, confirmation that the plains were deliberately shattered. 

Over to Adolin, in a fight on the plateaus. Jakamav is there as well. I still only see that guy as a fratboy. Also, Eshonai is there, and Adolin wants to fight “him.” Eshonai instead tries to arrange a meeting with Dalinar--the one that ends up ill-fated when she takes stormform too soon. We also hear about when Renarin summoned his blade, him having one of his fits. Also also, Adolin comments that this plateau “almost looks man-made”--it probably is an old ruined building, covered in centuries of crem. Jakamav basically tells Adolin they’re not friends until Adolin’s reputation improves again, and Sureblood shows off a little to cheer Adolin up. Renarin also specifies that he didn’t have a fit, and Adolin notices that he’s not wearing his glasses. Renarin also says that he needs to be ready, because something is coming--Adolin accurately connects that to the numbers on the walls. 

More Shallan flashbacks. We get that Shallan’s homelife is getting worse and worse, and that she finds solace in the gardens. She wants to leave and find “a place away from the shouting.” Helaran keeps visiting and giving Shallan drawing supplies--does he know she’s a Radiant? Possibly. We also get that when she thinks of what happened, she goes blank again, staring at the wall for an indefinite amount of time. We also get how broken the family is--Jushu gambles and drinks, Balat sets fires, and Shallan dissociates whenever she thinks of what happened when she was eleven. 

Tyn and Shallan are talking in the present day, teaching Shallan accents and such. She also gives Shallan eyedrops that can darken your eyes--something Shallan might not need with her surgebinding, but still useful. Also, the boots scene. They’re so lucky Rock wasn’t one of the bridgemen they encountered--he would have seen through it in a second. The others are still skeptical. Still funny, but also still uncomfortable--another little way Shallan overlooks how she’s a lighteyes and the amount of clout and fear that connotes in darkeyes. 

“hopefully she wouldn’t run into those particular soldiers again” Oh, Shallan...

A Sadeas viewpoint. He’s still basically living on the Thrill alone. And he still doesn’t understand why Dalinar traded the Blade--he assumes it was to try to slow Sadeas down instead of, uh, being a decent human being and rewarding good men. The thing that gets me about Sadeas is that he just doesn’t get it. He notices that other soldiers are more competent than his men, gets irritated, and then puts no effort into positive reinforcement or into discipline. Also, we get that Parshendi used to try to surrender, but the first time they tried it Sadeas killed all of them, turning the war into a bloodbath. Thanks, Sadeas. 

Also, Sadeas still hasn’t realized anything about the bridgemen--he thinks they’re lying on the ground and sleeping while better men died, not, uh, being exhausted from being run like animals while malnourished. Also, Sadeas says that he knows Amaram is a ruthless bastard, which is true, and Amaram starts pulling his self-important horseshit. 

Sadeas is just so oblivious. He thinks everything works in one set way and doesn’t consider that people might have motivations he doesn’t understand. We also get some of the cause of his frustration--he’s getting old, he’s dying, he’s desperate for that to stop happening. Also, here we get the fact that contrary to what Dalinar believes, Sadeas doesn’t care about Elhokar--if Alethkar is going to be “strong” Elhokar’s going to have to die. 

...Eerie that that’s the same logic that almost wins Kaladin over, later. 

Also my brain just barfed “Sadeas voice: Make Alethkar Great Again” at me and I’m fucking dying. Also, we get that Sadeas can read Adolin well--it takes him a moment, but he notices that Adolin is faking not taking the duel seriously and letting himself take hits so that he can surprise people. Unfortunately for Sadeas, turns out later that he can’t read Adolin quite well enough. Also, Sadeas here admits that even if Dalinar was behaving the way Sadeas is--if Dalinar was what Sadeas in theory wants him to be--Sadeas would kill him anyway. That’s what gets it--this is the moment it becomes blatantly clear it’s not about Alethkar, it’s about power. 

Shallan is geeking out about plants. She also does a drawing for Gaz, drawing him as the people he saved saw him. A lie, but also not a lie. She’s getting good at this. One wonders what she’ll be able to do in the Alethi court proper--used right, she could be a great ally to Dalinar, if she can show the nobles what they would be like if they were united. Interestingly, she also draws a woman bringing down a hammer and chisel on a stone body’s face--she may have just drawn Shalash, despite knowing nothing of what she was doing. That’s very interesting. Tyn also says that Shallan needs a dose of realism. Tyn, just because Shallan blushes at the thought of lewd jokes doesn’t mean she hasn’t murdered multiple people before. We get this line: 

“How can you be so certain I’ve never done things like this?”  “Because you’re not broken.”  “Maybe I’m faking.” 

She is faking--faking so well she’s fooling herself, sometimes. Also, Tyn gives her some advice about the betrothal and how to make it work. 

Kaladin leads his troop of patrollers back and has stew, looking at the stars--there are moving stars called starspren, apparently, and I’m taking mental notes about the astronomy of Roshar--and Kaladin notes that something’s weird about the air. Also, we get Rock shooing away an ardent that’s probably Nazh. Back to Shallan, we get her and Tyn bantering more--including bringing up that sometimes Shallan might have to go with both hands bare for a con, which Shallan is scandalized by. We also get the news that Vedenar is in chaos because the king, his heir, and multiple highprinces were killed by Szeth. Thanks, Taravangian. 

Kaladin has another dream where he is the storm, and talks with the Stormfather, who accuses Kaladin of planning to kill Syl and “leave her corpse to wicked men”--the Shardblades. Kaladin denies it, but he’s already started. We also get “He comes for you, little traitor. I am sorry.” and a second storm rising made of red lightning--Odium is showing up. Kaladin is very spooked. 

Back to Shallan, where Pattern is freaking out too. This is the highstorm where some Parshendi bond stormspren, isn’t it. That would make sense for the amount of panic that is happening with people--and then Szeth shows up. Elhokar, understandably, is losing his shit. Dalinar is also upset-- “I’m not asleep at the table this time, you bastard. You’re not taking another one from me”--and he, Adolin, and Kaladin engage Szeth. Dalinar of course assumes Szeth was after Elhokar. Kaladin also realizes that Szeth has windrunner powers. 

And Kaladin gets stabbed by a Shardblade--and heals it later. Which is supposed to be impossible, and probably is, if you’re not a Radiant. Dalinar manages to barehanded catch a Shardblade--which is badass--and Kaladin tackles Szeth out a window and into a highstorm. The listener song implies that a listener might be able to surgebind--Radiant Eshonai please Brandon I will do anything--and Kaladin fights Szeth, telling Szeth he’s a windrunner. Szeth doesn’t believe him. We get Szeth’s breakdown--They named me Truthless--and he demands to know if all of “them” are back, to which Kaladin answers yes. Szeth runs, and Kaladin collapses. 

Kaladin also notices that Adolin noticed that Kaladin’s arm was stabbed, and fails to say that he’s a Surgebinder--is too much of a coward to say it in front of Elhokar and Adolin. 

Back to Shallan, she learns that Tyn was supposed to assassinate Jasnah Kholin. And the associate Tyn is talking to mentions Shallan and gives a description, meaning that Tyn now tries to kill Shallan. 

And Shallan stabs Tyn through the face with her Shardblade. “Difficult things. Yes, I believe I told you. I’ve learned that lesson already. Thank you.” And she also takes the conversation Tyn had, learns she worked for the Ghostbloods, and arranges a meeting with them. Again--the trip without Jasnah let Shallan come into her own a lot, and learn valuable con art skills. And that’s the end of Part Two! Adolin is suspicious of Kaladin (rightly), Shallan is almost at the Shattered Plains and has a meeting with the Ghostbloods arranged and also killed someone again, Kaladin has destroyed Szeth’s worldview, and Sadeas is scum.