#whoops! way longer than i intended it to be! 💀

[xannerz]

ramble alert! 💿🤪💬🚨 

so my blaw$chool finally had both its ‘20/’21 graduation cermonies today and i just sort of feel very like, numb??? about it?? and then i yo-yo to feeling despondent, then i feel selfish or unfair because i should be like vocally happier for my friends?

i mean, i am. of course im happy! they’re passionate about it and they worked hard and i’m glad they made it to the finish line. i joke now, i can tell people that ill have my legal team on them if they give me any problems, and we laugh about it, but y’know... there’s still that feeling of being Unaccomplished or on the Outside. we hang out and there’s always that minimum 45 min window where they all talk about l@wyer things and im sitting there like “ : ) haha yeah! “

 though i know i don’t want to pursue that career path anymore, but like, y’know, it’s just this vague feeling of being the Not in the Group even though no one thinks of me as the Other/Dropout (i think??) lmfao

idk, like. 💿 4 years of college on a pre-law track and then a gap year to prep for the l$at and then 2 years of living on autopilot bc i thought this is what i had/wanted to do, it still sucks, and maybe i should be over it by now since i dropped out in spring 2019, but i never really had time to process everything??

2019 was rife with issues and my mom almost died then the global panorama happened as that was settling and i’m grateful i got a job at the start of it but y’know like (🧿) ... i think i’m just really starting to chew through the weird like grief/bitterness that i didnt - couldnt - process, even w having th3rapy peppered in throughout the last couple years.

idk. lost time! it’s a whole thing!

and the whole like “you cant wait for xyz good thing to happen you have to take it” platitude doesnt sit right with me because it’s like (hello!) that’s literally what i did. i worked ✨so✨ hard at my own expense and just seeing people sort of settle in to where they need to be now while i’m like silently flailing, oof. im happy for them because them getting to where they want to be should be the natural conclusion of their endeavors. i want that for my friends. but a childish voice in me is just like why couldnt that be me, too?

i was so confident that like, everything would have worked out by now. because i was working so hard. now i’m Tired and Frustrated and i feel like im like standing at the precipice of some breakthrough but it feels so fake?? lol?? 

idk like ive accepted where i am and know i have 0 interest in going back to any program Because of Reasons, but i dont like where i am, yk?? : | i wish i was brave enough to go into PR or art or something way before so i didnt have to deal w this overplayed angst now. 

(i wonder how much better my art would have been if i didnt have that weird spotty dry spell from 2016 thru 2019, too??) 

but, no lmfaoo i just like shoehorned myself into that career path and the only thing that made any of that worth it are the friends i made through that program.

ಥ_ಥ they’re just... so, so good and loving, and i appreciate them so much🧀

another friend msged me a couple days ago in a crisis bc he’s sure he failed the b a r for the 3rd time and he’s like “you’re the only other creative person who went to that school,” and saying how he didnt want to hear from our other friends how struggling has no bearing on XYZ and i’m like, i get it. i 10000% get it. and we had a long back and forth and i’m just... relieved>>>?? i helped him feel better at all??? it felt weird being the one to say it to someone, tho - saying that our friends love you, not l@wyer you. it feels childish jotting this down but idk! i just! have a lot of thoughts on this & i’m still processing it all 🗣🗣🗣

(& re: the grad -  duh, yeah , i’ve been avoiding $ocial m3dia but yknow, like, i still peeked once or twice and seeing like some of my closest friends or classmates huddled together... saw a pic w one of my favorite professors and that was bittersweet, too. uhh, i shouldnt have peeked lmao. i’ve been in a sore spot mentally anyway so that just... wasn’t wise LMFAO 🔬🧠)

but - im fine! i’m functional. i just dont know when or how i’ll get to bein like, good again. ive been thinking abt looking into becoming a st0ryboarder. idk! idk. i just feel so behind and understimulated but overwhelmed and i miss the energy i had before i grad’d college? just absolutely ambitious and wide-eyed and ready to throw myself into anything to just to get to where i needed to be and now i’m like “no. maybe... maybe tomorrow.”

ok this is a mess im gonna go wash my face now 🏃‍♀️💨💨💨