#who the fuck is gonna be yelling “black canary” and “green lantern” in a life-or-death situation??

[phantomskeep]

Sometimes I hate my brain cause it likes to tell me I'm not as funny as I think I am. Then I write gems like this and I am reminded that, at the very least, I think I'm funny.

The Red Hood growled, feeling around his headspace for the Pit Rage he knew lurked. Now would honestly be a great time for a tiny bit of an adrenaline boost, thank you very much. Jason got the feeling this criminal wouldn’t say such things if he didn’t mean it. “You wish, Cat Boy.”

“I am not a cat boy!” The boy wearing a cat skull protested.

“Then what are you, a discount Catwoman?” Jason asked as he prowled closer to the pouting thief.

“I don’t even know who that is!” Cat Boy continued to lie. “This,” he gestured to the bone-colored mask covering his face, Lazarus green eyes narrowing in distaste, “Is a fashion statement. Nothing more, nothing less, I just- I don’t even know why it’s a cat!”

[ellana-ravenwood]

The Talk - Bruce Wayne x Reader (eroticaish)

So I know I said I was away at some of my friends’ place, but everyone went to bed early because we’re suppose to wake up super early in the morning to go and visit Brussels and I have no self-control (or common sense apparently) so I’m on the internet while everyone sleep and..yeah basically I have time to write a fic, it’s silly and not great, wrote it in litteraly twenty minutes, but here we go, hope you’ll like it : 

IMPORTANT WARNING : THIS IS SUGGESTIVE ! THIS IS NOT FOR YOU IF YOU ARE UNDERAGED, I GODDAMN MEAN IT. Like there’s cute and sweet feelings in the mix, but also…smut, so if you’re not 18 or more, or if you’re not comfortable with that sort of things etc etc, this story ain’t for you. I have tons of other very SFW story, for averyone to read, and if you wanna check those out instead, it’s right here, on My masterlist blog : @ella-ravenwood-archives.

______________________________________________

When J’onn J’onzz, aka Martian Manhunter, asked where the Batman was, he wasn’t expecting to blush for the first time in his life. 

So that’s how it felt to be so embarassed that your face changed color...it wasn’t pleasant. It was a very human emotion. 

************

He came in the common room of the Watchtower looking for the bat because he had infos for him, infos he asked and said were highly important for one of his current case back in Gotham City.

J’onn scanned the room quickly. 

Aquaman was conversing with Green Arrow and Black Canary. Wonder Woman was arm wrestling Hawkgirl, AND Zatanna AND Green Lantern (not allowed to use his ring of course), and the amazon was clearly having a blast “fighting” them, not even a drop of sweat on her face. Flash was playing ping-pong against himself, under the gaze of Shazam who was trying to keep up

Superman was sitting on one of the couches, on his own, away from everyone (which was unusual), visibly grumpy.

...A lot of J’onn’s colleagues where there, the World being rather calm, but no trace of Batman, or his wife, or even his children. Mm.

Well, the next best thing to locate the bat,a after you and his kids, was to ask his best friend, Clark. 

J’onn went to him and sat down in front of him. 

-Hello Clark. 

Still frowning, and clearly not happy, Superman turned to give a sideway look at his fellow alien friend and said, a bit coldly : 

-J’onn.

There was a short and awkward silence, and Clark was definitely avoiding J’onn’s eyes, which made the martian question : 

-Have I done anything to offend you ?

Surprised, Superman finally turns his head fully toward his friend and, after a moment of confusion says : 

-What ? No. No no you’re fine, it’s not you the problem don’t worry. Sorry...

-You seem on edge, are you alright ?

-Yes, I’m okay. 

-I’m here to talk if you want to, and...

-I’m fine J’onn ! Just a bit...distracted and annoyed, that’s all.

-Why ?

-It’s none of your goddamn business. It’s annoying and there’s nothing you can do about it !

-It’s not like you to be so...harsh. You know you can tell me Clark. What is distracting you like so ?

Clark pouts and crosses his arms, burrying himself deeper in the couch, and doesn’t seem to want to talk further, but after a moment finally says :

-It’s because of Bruce and (Y/N).

-Oh, Batman ? I was initially looking for him. What about them ? Are you jealous because you’re missing Lois and they...

-No, not jealous at all. And if you wanna see Bruce, you’re gonna have to wait ‘til he’s done. 

-Until he’s...Done ?

Clark shifts awkwardly in his seat and points to his head, meaning he gives J’onn the permission to look in his mind. And so the martian dives in. 

Screams. Skin hitting/slapping skin loudly.

The Martian Manhunter’s, famed and mighty superhero, first instinct is to rush toward the sound to save whoever is being attacked but...

Screams. Of pleasure. Moans. Loud ones. Groans of utter and total bliss. Wet sounds...Like something hard entering somewhere slick. Fingers tangling in hair. Nails breaking skin. Sounds of suction...

J’onn has enough and stops reading Superman’s mind. He gets it. So, that’s where Batman was. 

In you.

He feels his face tingling, his skin being warm, and looks at Clark then says :

-Oh.

The kryptonian nods and reddens a bit too, before saying :

-I know. And it’s like that every time there’s a calm moment in the World that doesn’t require our intervention. I hear them often. It’s worst when they haven’t seen each others for a while, like now. 

-Oh. Wow. Oh. Uh. Wow...

-Yes, that was my first reaction, now I’m kinda used to it...

-Do they...

A loud cheer from where Wonder Woman, Zatanna, Hawkgirl and Green Lantern were, distracts them from their current subject for a second. 

Diana just won the arm wresting, finally deciding to put her friedns out of their misery and end the humiliation of them not being able to even move her of one single inch. 

The rest of the League, of course, applauses...The rest of the League but Superman and Martian Manhunter, which attracts everyone’s attention on them. Usually, Clark would be the loudest to cheer his fellow super strengthed colleague ! And right now, J’onn and him looked flustered. Their friends had to get to the bottom of it, smelling the juicy gossip.

************

It’s not on purpose that Clark lets it out. 

He resist for a long time, agreeing with J’onn in his mind that they shouldn’t say anything. Batman wasn’t someone you wanted to piss off, and was quite a private guy. So talking about Superman being able to hear him and his beloved wife making passionate love...Yeah, no, not a good idea. 

So when, after yet another insisting question, Clark, already bothered by the sounds you and Bruce are STILL making, is unable to control himself and yells :

-I can hear Bruce and (Y/N) fucking !

Both him and J’onn freeze, and wait nervously for their friends’ reaction.

It’s not at all what they were expecting. 

They were waiting for some snickering, immature comments, stupid jokes being readied for when you and Batman would come back. 

But no. 

Diana is the first to speak after the revelation of why Superman and Martian Manhunter were acting weird :

-We ought to tell them something. 

-Make a rule about it, like “no sex in the watchtower” or something.

Added Dinah. 

Clark was a bit confused, until a very amused Flash explained things to him :

-Come on Sups, too bad for you that you can hear them, super awkward, but...I think all of us walked in on them doing it, or about to do it at some point in our League’s career. They scared Billy. They often go on missions separated so when they come back I guess they can’t keep off of each others and...

Diana cuts him off. 

-We don’t need details Barry ! But we should probably tell them to, if not stop, maybe tune it down a little and...

Flash, Aquaman and...Well, all the Leaguers present burst out in laughter. 

Oliver looks at the Amazon, tears falling down his cheeks, and says :

-You want to tell Bruce, the Batman, the scariest man around, and his intimidating wife, (Y/N), (Y/N) and her death glare, that can make us do whatever she wants you to do, you want us to...to tell them to stop having sex so often ? Diana I swear this is your funniest joke ! 

-Well maybe we can find a nice way to tell them ?!

For the first time since he exited Clark’s mind, J’onn found his voice and, not blushing anymore, says : 

-Maybe we can’t (or don’t dare to) stop them, but maybe we can...Talk ? Talk to them. About it. Maybe we can like...they can have a special room or something because poor Clark..They’re loud and...yes, maybe we should just talk about it ?

************

Bruce was helping you put your costume back on, running his fingers up your back lovingly...with a mischievous smile, you slap his hand away and gives him a look that means :”stop, we gotta go, we can’t do it again”. 

He kisses your neck, right where he left countless love bites (thanks the Gods for your superhero costume who covered your neck entirely), and you softly push him away, kissing his lips as you put his cowl back on. 

With a last tender kiss, he finally pulls away from you, reluctantly leaving the warmth of your arms, he says :

-I missed you.

-I noticed...

You say with a smile that makes him melt, and add :

-I missed you too. So much.

-Noticed too. I’ll make sure to not be shirtless around anyone, they’ll ask again about the scratches on my back.

He winks at you and you can’t help but smile, squeezing his bicep with your hand (who was too small to wrap itself around it). He smiles back, and it’s your turn to melt. 

-I love you (Y/N). 

-I love you too. 

He leans down to lay his forehead against yours. You take advantage of the few minutes left to enjoy each other’s touch. 

It was so rare for you and your Bruce to have calm moments. Even him with all the boys, you rarely had time just the two of you...So when you came back from missions after being separated, even you guys had to admit you had trouble not jumping on each others...You were just “too” in love !

But now, you had to go, you had so much work to do...And outside your privacy, you both disliked PDA. You’d sometimes look at each other, love shining in your eyes, or softly brush your fingers on the other’s arm when you walked by them, Sometimes daring to kiss if no one was watching.But no more, you were both private people. You only did PDA in front of your children, because you thought it was funny to gross them out. 

So, with a sigh of nostalgia, you both left the room you loved each others so passionately in, and went back to your duty...

************

You knew something was wrong when you heard Clark say : “they’re coming, I can hear them coming !” and when all your leaguer friends were aligned in front of the common room’s entrance. A bit worried you asked :

-What’s going on ?  

They awkwardly look at each other, and your worries fly away. Gods. What did they find this time to make fun of you and Bruce ? Didn’t they learn by now that it always turned against them ? That no matter what, you didn’t care about any mockeries ? 

Arthur clears his throat and finally says : 

-Well...you see...Hum...When a man and a woman love...

Diana cuts him off, rolling his eyes to the sky. 

-They don’t need a lecture about the bird and the bees Art’ ! They clearly know everything already and that’s not why we wanna talk. 

-Yeah well I didn’t know how to start the subject, if you’re so smart, do it !

The amazon blushes and says : 

-Actually, it’s not a problem to me. Barry ?

-Hey don’t look at me, J’onn started it, he said we should talk !

-What ? No but wait, I said that to help Clark, he’s the one that have the biggest problem with all this !

Everyone turns to the poor Superman who, though he’s the biggest of them all, feels very small and wished he could just be somewhere else. Like at Ma’s house, eating delicious cookies with her and Lois. 

He doesn’t dare to speak and finally, already a bit annoyed, Bruce says :

-Oh god what is it ? We don’t have all day we promised the boy a movie night before going on patrol in Gotham, so just spill the beans already Clark ! 

The mighty Superman looks terrified...And tries to leave, but Diana holds him back. Damn that woman and her incredible strength ! 

There’s a short struggle between the two, in front of an exasperated Batman, and a very confused you, until finally Clark stops fighting and turns to face you and your husband, boring a miserable expression on his face. It’s funny how, when you and Bruce aren’t there, he finds it easy to complain about you and all, but when you’re both in front of him...it’s another story. 

He feels like a child trying to tell his parents he just did something bad...

Weakly, he starts :

-Well...You see...With my super hearing I...Well...I...

You wished he could just say it. You know sometimes he gets awkward around Bruce, because he finds him intimidating and when you’re with him, it’s even worst as the two of you together seem just invincible (he also hates the  fact you seem to never care when he’s around and just start to make-out randomly...of course, you do it on purpose, just like with your children). But you were quite in a hurry, and you try to help him : 

-You can hear our heart beats ? 

He shakes his head. Negative. That’s not it. 

-You can hear...hum...The boys fighting and it’s annoying ?

Another shake of the head. Nope. Not that either. 

-We’re too loud when we talk ? You want us to turn it a notch down ? 

-...Not when you “talk”. And yes. All of us do. But particularly me cause I can hear...everything.

You swear that “all of them” don’t, in fact, as some just look away, or raise their hands in the air as to say “I got nothing to do with this !”...And you start to understand. Given the fact that Bruce is stiffening next to you, he does too.

And when Clark starts to ramble about him being embarassed, and all of them seeing things they didn’t want to see (they’re liers, naked you and Bruce ? Super worth seeing)...Yes, you’re sure you’re right. 

-Oh. Oh. OooOOooooh. That’s...that’s....

Awkward, that’s the word you’re looking for, but you can’t find it, mortified that basically all of your friends reunited just to tell you to have less sex, or at least, to be less loud...You were so sure to use sound proof rooms...You’re about to apologize, to try and tell them you’ll calm down, when you feel Bruce grabbing your hand, turning you around to face him, and crashing his lips on yours. 

The kiss is already passionate, and you can’t resist him. You respond. And completely forget that you’re making out in front of the entire Justice League. 

When your husband pulls away, however, you realize it and blush like crazy, thanksful to the mask hiding most of your face, burying the visible parts in your husband’s chest, because damn this is awkward and embarassing. 

What got into your Bruce, to kiss you like that in front of them as they were just saying you two were too...Loud and stuffs ?

The answer comes fast, as Batman explains :

-Sorry to gross you out Clark, sorry to annoy all of you with my unability to stay away from her too long...Sorry to be so in love that I don’t even care. You guys all know me, I’m a private man, I dislike talking about my relationship with my wife, and (Y/N) doesn’t enjoy speaking about us either...And I’m not good with words but...I love her. To death. And all that cheesy things I probably shouldn’t say in public. But it’s true, I do. I love her to death. And when we both went to risk our life, just like all of you, to save an ungrateful world, well...I have to show her that I love her. Just in case I won’t get to see her again next time. I have to show her how much she means to me. I love her. To death. And there’s nothing I can change about that. So sorry to make you all uncomfortable, but I’ll never stop making love to my wife, the love of my life, to my sweet (Y/N), because I love her. To death. Here. Public apologies for all the next time you might hear or see us accidentaly. Because there’s no way I’ll ever stop, and you guys will just have to live with it. Avoid where we are if you must. Now on that note, we’re going home to see our sons. And this subject is now close. 

Bruce cannot stop himself from glaring at them (mostly because they dared making you feel awkward as Hell), and adds : 

-Forever. 

He takes your hand in his and, while you try to apologize to your friends with your eyes and whispering soft “sorry, sorry” to them, directs you to the nearest Zeta tubes. 

The last sight they all had of you that day, was him kissing you again...Definitely passionately. 

A heavy silence installed itself as you two disappeared, and after quite a while of stunned silence, Flash finally said : 

-Well...That went well !

************

Hours later, your children and Alfred were arriving to the Watchtower from zeta tubes, with their pyjamas and toothbrushes. When Clark, who was finally going home, asked them what they were doing, if they were on watch or something, they simply said that for some reasons, while they were having their famous family movie nighs, their parents sneaked out (things they never did except if something special happened), and they got...So loud, that they all decided to leave. 

With a blush, Clark rushed out of the watchtower and started to seriously think about earplugs made out of Kryptonite..

FIN. Hope you liked it, sorry I’m dead tired and didn’t proof read at all so if there’s lots of mistakes and it’s shit...Well sorry. Might erase it later, and re-write when less tired. I just wanted to write a quick thing before leaving again for a few days with friends, and so not logging in Tumblr for a while..:-) hope you still kinda liked it.