#who tf are YOU to say anything about my weight when you've also been skinny your whole life

[spikershoyo]

Dude shopping in the same clothing sites as my sis knowing I'll get like 10 years of my life shaved off because my sister is SKINNY and none of the clothes there will fit me

[ihaveissueslol]

LET'S FUCKING TALK

1st pic: freshman year of high school, when bulimia became a central aspect of my life bc I couldn't restrict. I was at a healthy weight and had muscle tone, but thought I was obese because the nurse told me so. My BMI put me in overweight because I was all muscle.

2nd pic: second semester of college, when I spent 4 hours at the gym every day but had no muscle tone, barely ate anything, and often threw up what I did eat.

It's been 4 and a half years since I took that second pic, and have since gained so much from depression, swing shift, an injury that left me bed bound. I also lost weight. Then gained, lost, again and again. I'm currently about 25lbs heavier than I was in the first pic, and trying to lose in a healthy way, but guys.

GUYS

I WAS SO FUCKING UNHEALTHY

I would make myself throw up and not be able to stand up for 10 minutes because my vision was black and my legs had no strength

I'd take breaks at the gym to "stretch" but really I was trying not to pass tf out

I constantly was in pain with my stomach

I have a heart condition and I almost always had palpitations, chest pain, shortness of breath, and severe dizziness because of this shit

My mental state was so clouded, it was so hard to focus, and I was always tired

I threw up blood

like y'all, this is an illness. This is a serious fucking condition. And the worst part? IT. NEVER. LEAVES. All I want is to look like those photos again, but to do that I'll have to become stupid unhealthy again. Being a nurse caring for others and a karate instructor teaching kids, I absolutely cannot do that. But it's. SO. EASY.

It's so hard to choose recovery and actively choose healthy eating/exercise options. It's fucking awful, and makes me feel like a worthless sack of garbage. But I Have To. Unless i want to end up dead or not being able to do a damn thing with my life.

You think you have control. You swear you can stop and get yourself under control. Bish lemme tell you, YOU CAN'T. This disease owns your dumb ass. You can't give it an inch, because it will take you six feet under.

I now suffer from God-awful heartburn and acid reflux. I need a scope to check for Barrett's esophagus. If I eat certain foods or bend over after eating, my body just regurgitates shit with no warning. THAT'S fun at parties.

I have to take vitamin D, iron, 3 types of acid reducers, a stool softener, and a probiotic regulator every day on top of my psych meds. That's just to get through the day without feeling nauseous, having severe stomach cramps and pain, and being able to shit semi-regularly. My dentist hated me because my teeth are fucked from years of stomach acid erosion.

I have hemorrhoids that bleed from years of depriving myself. If I get drunk or eat spicy shit, I uncontrollably vomit and more often than not, I throw up blood. I shake constantly and my entirely body hurts. All. The. Damn. Time. I bruise easily, it takes 3x longer than normal for a girl my age to heal from injury, and my bones/joints/tendons/muscles are ridiculously more susceptible to breaks or tears. You know why? Eating disorders during my development periods.

Please. If you've read this far, please take control. Please seek help. No, you are not in control. Yes, it really is that bad, or will be. No, it's not a diet. Yes, it will absolutely ruin your entire fucking life. If making this post helps even one person, or tips someone off to help another, then it's worth it. Please don't let this shit ruin your life.

If you're young and someone tells you you're overweight because of your BMI, LAUGH IN THEIR FACE AND GO EAT SOME CHICKEN AND RICE. Muscle weighs more than fat! BMI does not account for muscle! ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE SHORT. I'm 5'3" and y'all. Made physicals so fucking awful.

Please choose life. Choose health. Choose recovery. It's hard, I'll never say that it's easy. But it's 1000 times better than the alternative. Keep yourself in control, it takes SO much more strength to choose healthy eating habits and kick your ED's ass than it takes to restrict or purge. You are stronger than your disorder.

So much love to each and every one of y'all who struggle, don't think they're struggling, or are actively trying to recover. Love to all my young ones being bullied when they're a healthy weight. Love to all my athletes who can't wear super skinny jeans because of leg muscle. You guys are all so fucking beautiful You can do this.

Stay safe.